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Increasingly, it is moms who pay their exes child support and alimony, and their vitriol about the matter is often far more acute than when payer and payee fall along traditional gender lines.

According to a survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 54% of attorneys report an increase in the number of mothers paying child support during the past three years, and 45% have also seen a rise in women being responsible for alimony.  “While men have almost always expected to pay alimony, many women still have a very difficult time accepting that this financial obligation might fall to them,” said Madeline Marzano-Lesnevich, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

Do women pay child support?

How child support works

How is child support calculated?

How does child support work if the father or mother has no job?

15 ways to deal when you’re paying for child support

Do women pay child support?

Yes, women pay child support, contrary to popular (and sexist) beliefs. Child support law and calculators are different in every state, but typically, the lower-earning parent is entitled to child support payments from the higher-earning parent. 

Many moms report they successfully negotiated out of paying child support and alimony by way of a mediated divorce, or out-of-court negotiations. Working out the agreement between the two of you, in the most low-conflict way possible, is highly advised. Not only will this save you untold thousands of dollars, heartache, time and anxiety, but less drama now means lower stress long-term, and a better co-parenting relationship for the duration.

Hiring a skilled family lawyer can be one way to go. Other families successfully negotiate and file their own divorce and family court settlements, sometimes with the help of online divorce products. Or, you can learn more about filing your own court papers for divorce online, as well our review of the most trustworthy companies.

How child support works

Each state has a child support calculator or a formula applied to one or both parents’ incomes, and the number of children they share. Household income can be considered (including if there is a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, grandparents or roommates) living in one of the homes. 

Child support calculators can be adjusted if the paying parent has children with another parent.

There is often an income cap for one or both parents combined. For example, in Texas, the noncustodial parent’s income is capped at $8,550 per month, though a judge can order additional child support based on the parents’ income and the child’s needs.

If you are the mother and want to take the child’s father to court for support, you may have to prove paternity. You can buy a home DNA paternity test online through Walgreens or CVS.

What child support covers

Typically, child support payments are intended to cover the basic living expenses of the child. These include:

  • Housing 
  • Food 
  • Clothes 
  • Utilities

What is not covered by child support

Usually, family courts separate these basic living expenses, with “extras” for which another calculator applies, to make payment of these expenses more equitable, based on a percentage of each parent’s income (the higher-earning parent paying a larger share).

In some states, these expenses are lumped together with the basic child support payment. In other states, these are calculated separately, or the parents are expected to work between themselves to track, divide and pay for these items.

Extra expenses might include:

  • Childcare — daycare, nanny, after-school care
  • Medical/health insurance
  • Out-of-pocket medical expenses (doctor and hospital co-pays)
  • Therapy
  • Extracurricular activities like sports, theater, music, art classes and teams
  • Camp
  • School fees, including private school tuition

How is child support calculated?

Again, every state’s child support calculations are different and often include the discretion of the judge.

If you can settle your child support payments outside of court, either through an attorney or directly with your child’s father, the negotiating parties can decide whatever sums they please.

However, child support guidelines of the state in which you reside are usually a starting point in any discussions, inside or outside of court.

Child support payments nearly always are paid from the greater-earning spouse who does not have primary residence, to a lower-earning spouse who has the children the majority of the time, also referred to as “primary custody.”

Typically, these delineations fall along gender lines:

The higher-earning father has the children every-other-weekend, and the mom has the children the rest of the time.

Think that is sexist and uncool? You’ll enjoy my manifesto calling for 50-50 shared parenting and no child support.

There are many places around the United States where child support payments are tied to the amount of time spent with the children. In other words, if time-sharing is equal, no one pays any child support. Or, (using gender stereotypical roles here) the father chooses to spend more time with the kids, he is then ordered to pay less support, on a sliding scale.

Other states, like New York, require a higher-earning parent to pay more to the lower-earning parent, no matter how parenting time is divided.

Here is an example of how one New York family’s child support payments were calculated, even though they have the same income.

Sarah and Omar have four children.

Sarah, the custodial parent, and Omar, the non-custodial parent, have identical annual incomes of $67,500.

Their combined annual income is $135,000.

Per the state guidelines for four children (detailed above), Omar and Sarah multiply their combined income by .31 (31%). The result shows their basic child support obligation is $41,850 annually.

Sarah’s income is 50 percent of the combined parental income.

The amount she is expected to pay as the non-custodial parent is calculated by multiplying the combined child support obligation of $41,850 by .50 (50%).

Sarah must pay Omar $20,925 annually or $1,743.75 per month in child support.

Child support calculator

You can find your’s state child support calculator here.

As one example, here is New York’s child support guideline calculator:

  • 1 child: 17% of combined income
  • 2 children: 25% of combined income
  • 3 children: 29% of combined income
  • 4 children: 31% of combined income
  • 5 or more children: at least 35% of combined income

In New York, when the combined parental income exceeds $148,000, the court does not have to apply the child support formula to the entire amount. In these cases, the court usually follows the formula for the first $148,000 of income, then adds additional support based on the custodial parent’s ability to provide for the children.

Child support payments and enforcement

In every state, you can have child support paid through a central payment center, or child support enforcement services. This is advised in most cases, as it documents all the payments from one parent to the next, keeps tally on arrears, and can be set up to automate payments from a bank account or paycheck. Benefits include documentation and ease of use. Also if you choose to pursue unpaid child support, your state’s child support enforcement bureau can use this system to withhold funds from paychecks, tax returns and be used to revoke a driver’s license or even enforce jail time.

Some parents are able to work out child support payments amongst themselves. They may choose to transfer money between their bank accounts or through a paper check mailed or handed to the other parent in cash.

Even if you use child support enforcement to receive or pay regular child support, out-of-pocket expenses like medical care, extracurricular activities and childcare may need to be reimbursed for regularly.

Often, parents track these expenses through a co-parenting app, email or Google docs.

What you need to know about uncontested divorce

Is child support taxable income?

Child support is not considered income for the recipient. In other words, the child support payor pays regular income and other taxes on their income, and then pays a portion to the other parent.

What single moms and dads need to know about tax returns

If I have my child 50% of the time, do I pay child support?

In every state, the child support calculator applies to separated and divorced families, with the higher-paying parent typically paying the lower-paying parent support, and/or a higher percentage of out-of-pocket add-ons like child care, health insurance and extracurricular activities. In some states, the parent with the lesser sum of parenting time pays child support, regardless of who earns more, and in some states child support is a sliding scale based on income as well as number of overnights monthly.

Typically, even when parents share parenting time equally, a court will still apply the child support calculator. However, increasingly, parents are choosing to forego child support en lieu of a more equitable, amicable co-parenting relationship.

How does child support work if the father or mother has no job?

Most states require a non-custodial parent to pay even a minimum child support sum, regardless of income. Often, based on a parent’s education and past work experience, an income is imputed, or estimated, based on what that mom or dad should be expected to earn.

Imputed income in a divorce: How does a judge impute income for child support or spousal support?

A parent’s earning capacity is determined by the following factors, which a judge can use to impute a parent’s income for purposes of child support or alimony:

  • Age
  • Ability/health
  • Education
  • Work history/resume
  • Income history
  • Child care responsibilities

Sometimes, other sources of income are also imputed in family lawy. These factors outside of the child support calculator can include:

  • Income of new boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, who is contributing to the household expenses.
  • Financial support from other relatives
  • Pensions and retirement plans
  • Social Security benefits
  • Unemployment benefits
  • Veteran’s benefits
  • Interest on investments
  • Rents from real estate properties

Note that both spouses’/parents’ income can be imputed for purposes of child support and alimony. Divorce and family court judges know that it benefits the payor and payee to make their income appear as low as possible to either minimize or maximize payments ordered.

How to decide whether or not to get divorced — pros, cons and how to tell your wife or husband you want a divorce.

15 ways to deal with resentment if you are a mom who pays child support or alimony

Come to peace with paying your ex alimony

Tell yourself: “Within one year I will have accepted that I must pay him, and have adjusted my mindset, budget and career goals to make this work for me.” Then, write down actions steps how you will do this.

The more you earn may mean you pay him more, but also that you will earn more! This will not only mean more money, but also that you will achieve career goals, take on more interesting and high-profile projects, interact with more successful and high-profile colleagues and fulfill your potential, living within your power, and not mired in resentment.

Are you stuck? Not sure how to break the cycle of bad habits, negative thoughts, beating yourself up? You’re not alone! Therapy can be a big help, and if cash and time are in short supply, consider online therapy.

9 signs of toxic parenting

Stop talking about it.

Women paying alimony to men is a controversial and compelling topic, and your friends, family, nosey neighbors and prying colleagues will be enthralled. They will have all kinds of nasty things to say about your ex, and many of them will be very sexist— if not completely satisfying to hear in the face of your own likely anger.

While understandably satiating for a time, shut this cycle of complaining and validation down ASAP. Move on.

Minimize interaction with your ex

At a very minimum, automate any payments via automatic bank transfer so that you do not have to physically write and hand him a check, and you do not have to manually sending him the monthly sum. Offer to pay future support in a lump sum by way of equity in a home, investment accounts, or a single cash payment. One single resent-ridden payment is ultimately less painful and incites less hostility between co-parents than payments made bi-weekly.

In her mediated divorce, Sasha, a music executive, and her ex, a sculptor, calculated how much she would owe him in alimony and child support payments for the 10 years, when their three kids are scheduled to graduate college. That sum totaled her approximate equity in the home they shared, which she relinquished en lieu of painful monthly payments. “Sometimes I get really angry about it, especially since my family gave us the down payment for that house,” she says. “Even though I have to start over in my retirement savings and currently live in a small apartment, I am so happy to be out of that marriage.”

Don’t perpetuate the family court drama story

Family and divorce attorneys love child support and alimony. Why? Money is the No. 1 reason parents return to court time and again. This doesn’t benefit parents (fact, per Census: the average sum of child support ordered by family courts is $400, and less than 40% of what is ordered is actually paid).

Maintaining the tension with your ex by way of bitterness and arguing over money does not serve you, your kids’ father, or your children. Also: your friends and family are sick of hearing about all the drama.

Lawyers, however, pay their mortgages, car payments and vacations by way of all this drama.

Aim for low-conflict, even if paying seems unfair (and I believe you! It likely really is unfair!).

Accept that alimony/child support is the price you had to pay to get out of a bad relationship

Whether the split was your ideas or his, it matters not in the eyes of the court. What does matter is that it wasn’t working for you as a couple, and now you are free to pursue a life and relationship that does work. Good things often come at a price. In your case, this is a financial price. As one divorce attorney told me: “I often have men come into my office, having saved wads of cash for years in a box in the back of the closet in order to be able to finance a divorce. It’s like saving for a boat or retirement home on the beach.”

Related: 19 reasons why alimony is unfair and hurts gender equality

Ask your ex to fund the kids’ college savings plans.

Part of Jessica’s agreement with her ex is that she pay him 28 percent of her annual bonus. He agreed this payment goes into their two children’s college 529 savings plan.

If you truly cannot afford your current lifestyle while making these payments, downgrade your lifestyle. Yes, it may seem unfair, but accept that this is your situation, at least temporarily, and embrace it. Focus on the fact that that a smaller house is easier to clean, has a smaller impact on the environment, and teaches your children about materialism and your values. Replace resort vacations with road trips to spend time with family and friends, and appreciate how these relationships are deepened because of it.

Remember that alimony and child support were huge, wonderful feminist coups.

How would you feel about a situation like yours if the gender roles were reversed? While alimony reform is ripe for reform, our current laws were designed to protect women and children who really had few other financial options. As the system slowly evolves to reflect current opportunities for both genders, there is a middle, gap generation that must pay the price. Just as in any revolution. You are a revolutionary for this cause, a model for other women on how to divorce like a feminist.

Focus on how your kids benefit from this payment — and how you benefit by default.

Anne, who owns a seven-figure-per-year public relations firm, today successfully co-parents with the father of their two-small children, whom her ex had stayed home with full-time for four years. Before that, he worked in restaurants as a chef, earning barely above minimum wage.

Anne happily pays rent on her ex’s two-bedroom apartment, as well as monthly maintenance to him directly. “I see it as an investment in my children’s quality of life, as well as my own,” she says. “If I didn’t pay him, he’d be making $20,000 per year as a line cook, and my kids would be staying in squalor when they’re with him. This way, he continues to be very involved in their lives, which is great for them, and helps me enormously as I run my demanding business.”

Who gets what in divorce? What each of you are legally entitled to

Peel away the layers of resentment, which are rooted in what happened during the relationship.

Jessica recognizes that her ex had little motivation to build his writing career because she never demanded he be financially responsible to the family, including take over child care duties when he was between jobs. Resentment towards others is nearly always rooted in resentment for ourselves, and the role you played in co-creating the situation.

If are bitter about paying your ex, explore why and how the situation came to be, and own any part you played in it. Did you enable your ex’s lack of motivation? Did you co-create a situation in which you felt more powerful because you earned the money, or had the higher-profile career? Did you dream of saving your low-earning spouse from a flailing business? These are all common and very normal scenarios.

Aim to understand the root of what happened. Forgive yourself. And aim to forgive him, too — even if he cheated.

Then, find ways to move on. Sell your engagement ring. Learn to enjoy your alone time. Start dating again.

Find the advocates for alimony reform in your state, and get involved

If you truly believe you are paying too much, weigh carefully the costs of revisiting the issue legally, and do your best to approach this as a practical process, and not an emotional one. Ask yourself: Am I seeking reduced payments because I believe legally that is the right thing to do? Or am I really trying to punish him for being such a dickhead?

Likely, you truly believe that child support and alimony are sexist ways that have legislated women being financially dependent on men. You are an outlier that illustrates how messed up that is.

Find ways to be an activist for family court reform. Share your experience with other divorcing moms and dads and attorneys. Be part of the change you want to see.

Life after divorce — 3 things you can do now to move on

Don’t linger in family court.

If it is a matter of returning to family court to amend child support payments because your ex’s income has increased, or yours has decreased, or one of your kids has aged out of your agreement, make hasty work of the process, and calculate the time, energy, likely conflict with your ex and other negatives before launching a campaign for revisions. Likewise, if you are seeking to reduce alimony, consider the likely large legal fees and related time and stress in your future against the likelihood that payments will be reduced. In other words, apply the time / money / energy equation with a level head.

Never tie time with your children to payments.

In some states, child support payments are calculated based on how much time the kids spend with one or the other payment. That system is rife with issues, including that paying parents often fight for more time with their kids in order to owe less in support, but then fail to see their kids as ordered by the court agreement. The result is not only disappointed kids, the frustrated other parent, and a clogged family court. This system reduces kids to collateral. Do not be part of the problem.

Hard as it, do not threaten to stop paying your ex.

As you co-parent, there will be lots of reasons to fight. You may never completely rid yourself of resentment about paying him, and that is very human. But try your very, very hardest not to threaten not to pay him. There are likely serious legal ramifications if you do not. And there are definitely negative consequences to your relationships. In otherwise: Try your damnedest not to threaten.

Refocus your rage into fuel for earning more.

Vanessa was stunned to learn that after her ex left her for a much younger neighbor, she had to pay him nearly $70,000 per year in alimony and child support.

“During all the years of marriage, I always tried to support his tech business, encouraged him to invest my income in getting it off the ground, even paid his student loan debt. I eventually realized he had a really crappy work ethic, and was taking advantage. The kids were in full-time, very expensive daycare, and he didn’t do his share around the house. How is it fair that I supported him all those years and I still have to support him! Doesn’t he have any sense of being a man, and taking care of his family?”

Shortly after the separation, Vanessa was offered a promotion and is considering turning it down. “While this would be a huge career move for me, one that I’ve been working towards for a long time, it would also mean a lot more travel, which would be hard on all of us. Plus, the more I earn, the more I’d have to pay him, and that just makes me so furious!”

If you are a single mom who pays child support or alimony, it is very important that you never, ever hold yourself back professionally or financially to spite your ex with lower payments. Never illegally hide income (because committing crime is stressful, as is jail time, no matter how flattering orange may be on you!), or stall your career goals in order to be ordered to pay him less.

If you intentionally earn less to lower your child support or alimony payments, you live a smaller life rooted in anger by handing your power over to your ex. The world misses out on your talents, and you set a lesser example for your children. In the short-term, money may be tight as you support two households, but in the long-term, focusing on the big picture of growing your career and income will pay dividends in every single facet of your life, including your relationship with your ex.

In most states, child support and alimony payments are capped. When it comes to how much you can earn, the sky is the limit. I have seen so many fabulous cases of people who harnessed financial stress after becoming single moms to gloriously successful professional lives.

Make this your story. Earn and invest and build wealth with abandon.

After all, you likely have little control over how much you have to pay. But you have 100 percent control over how much you can earn.

Remember: Everything is temporary.

You could lose your job or ability to earn, and the financial tables could turn at any time. Kids age out of child support, and exes become far more successful than you thought he was capable of. Acceptance tempered with hope and kindness are your BFFs.

Rachel for a time received child support from her ex, but when she started earning more, and he lost his job, she was obliged by the courts to pay him support. She chooses to pay him more than required, even though the years when he paid were riddled with skipped payments, and snide comments about how his obligation was too much:

I pay more than what the state has mandated, and wrote it as such in my modified custody order. I also buy more things on top of that because that is my child, and I want her to have a certain quality of life. I can say without a doubt that going through this modification has set aside a lot of the resentment between my daughter’s dad and me. He understands how expensive it is to raise a child, and that support doesn’t go far. I have no issues about it at all and I am very happy to give more when I can. I think my ex also appreciates what it was like for me when I was struggling financially. Now that we traded places we have a much better and very flexible co-parenting relationship. And my daughter is so much happier because there is less hostility between us.

What do you think? Are you a mom who pays child support or alimony? How do you come to peace with it? Share in the comments.

Do women pay child support?

Yes, women pay child support, contrary to popular (and sexist) beliefs. Child support law and calculators are different in every state, but typically, the lower-earning parent is entitled to child support payments from the higher-earning parent.

How is child support calculated?

Child support payments nearly always are paid from the greater-earning spouse who does not have primary residence, to a lower-earning spouse who has the children the majority of the time, also referred to as ‘primary custody.’

How does child support work if the father or mother has no job?

Most states require a non-custodial parent to pay even a minimum child support sum, regardless of income. Often, based on a parent’s education and past work experience, an income is imputed, or estimated, based on what that mom or dad should be expected to earn.

If I have my child 50% of the time, do I pay child support?

In every state, the child support calculator applies to separated and divorced families, with the higher-paying parent typically paying the lower-paying parent support, and/or a higher percentage of out-of-pocket add-ons like child care, health insurance and extracurricular activities.

He says:

She says:

They ask:

Should wives stay thin for their husbands?

The woman measures her waistline with a measuring tape.
Mikhail Nilov

He says: “My wife got fat.”

A few months ago I heard from a reader who felt guilty because he wasn’t attracted to his after she gained weight. 

“I used to think guys were assholes who cheated on their wives and blamed their weight as the reasons. Well, my wife was really fit and hot for the first 5 years of our relationship.

“But she wife pigged out like crazy when she was pregnant with our twins, and would tell everyone that she was ‘treating’ herself. Well, now the kids are 5 years old, and she doesn’t work, the kids are in kindergarten all day, she has tons of free time, and has made no effort to get back into shape. I go the gym or jog 4-5 days per week, and have offered to help her find a routine (with me taking care of the kids, etc.) so she can go to the gym, but she ignores me. I’ve taken over cooking so we all eat healthier, but she eats chips and ice cream all evening. 

“I am in good shape, and I see that women check me out. She is overweight by at least 30 lbs and does not otherwise care for her appearance. When we do have sex, it is hard for me to really be into it. I’ll be honest: I feel like is unfair that she gets to have sex with someone who goes to the gym, and I don’t.

“There is a woman at work who is my age, also has kids, and takes care of herself. She is not even my type, but I find myself so attracted to her, her body, and fantasizing about her all the time. I feel guilty, that this superficial thing makes me feel like such a bad dad and husband. 

“But at the end of the day, I feel like I give my wife the gift of my own health and attractiveness, and she does not return the favor.”

For couples facing similar challenges, seeking practical solutions can be beneficial. If overall health has become a concern, Liposet’s Premium Health Supplement Bundles may be a great option to support your wellness journey.

“My wife is gaining weight on purpose.”

A man emailed me recently: “My wife found out that I’d had an affair, and even though we are working through our marriage in therapy and I have broken off the relationship and am very committed to the relationship, I feel like my wife is intentionally packing on the pounds to punish me. It’s as if she is exploiting my guilt and excessive promises to never leave her by intentionally making herself unattractive to me — almost daring me to leave her.”

I think this guy’s read on his marriage is spot-on: His wife wants out of the marriage, but wants him to be the one to leave her for what many will consider a petty and selfish reason: Her weight gain.

She says: “I feel too fat for my husband.”

We all want to be with someone we are attracted to both in and out of bed, and who we are proud to be seen with. Weight, fashion and other variants vary by person. This is not wrong.

Can you talk to your husband about how you feel?

How to feel sexy and confident when you feel old, gross and fat

Personal story about weight and marriage:

My husband was mostly fit, though he put on a few pounds after we married, which bothered him, and made him worry it bothered me. It didn’t (though his self-consciousness did). I have always taken care of myself, though I could stand to lose a good 10-15 lbs. People often remark that I always look nice and wear makeup every day, even though I almost always work from home. During one counseling session, in a plea for more appreciation, I mentioned that I freshened up my makeup before my husband came home. “Wow, that is really something—women hardly ever do that,” the therapist said (cue my gloating).

On the other hand, my current boyfriend has a really killer body. Seriously, I cannot get enough of his broad shoulders and muscular ass. We recently went to the theater and I spent the whole two hours clawing at his huge arms. His back is so rock-solid I sometimes wonder if I’m not sleeping with David, looted from Florence. His physique is not the main attraction, but it is an important one. As our relationship develops—and our bodies deteriorate as bodies are prone to do—I would hope that our intellectual and emotional rapport would deepen, and replace to a degree my focus on being ravished by his man-body. But, of course, if in years to come, the socks-on-the-floor and other minor and major grievances mushroom into serious relationship friction, I can imagine piling onto the list a flabby tummy or swinging triceps. In other words: If the relationship is solid, bodies matter less. But when things go south—drooping boobs and a sagging ass seem that much more egregious—especially if we’re talking about something within the person’s control, like weight gain.

But this all comes down to expectations from the very beginning. I can imagine my boyfriend’s inevitable physical decline bugging me more than my ex-husband’s because his is better to start with. His bod plays a larger role in our story, and—should things head that way—the expectations for the long-term. Marriage, after all, is an agreement and a business deal based on current expectations. You expect going forward what you sign up for today. It’s not reasonable for a man to be be surprised his wife doesn’t acquire a string-bikini-worthy body 20 years into their relationship if she was plump when they met.

How to decide whether to get divorced

“My husband says my weight is a problem.”

Listen to him. He wants you to be attractive — and healthy. If you are unhealthy, that affects the activities and lifestyle you two can enjoy together. It also shows that you care about not being a burden and dependent on him if your health fails.

Now, if you do live a healthy lifestyle, and maintain a healthy weight, the problem may be him and his ego. If he is mean about sharing this concern, he is otherwise unhappy in the relationship and/or an asshole. There are other issues in this relationship you need to address.

“My husband is not attracted to me because I gained weight.”

Often, the issue is not just the weight. It is that you stopped caring about your health and appearance. It may be that the emotional or intellectual connect is no longer there — or was never there in the first place. Weight and appearance are important — but usually part of a more complex picture of your relationship.

Signs of a toxic relationship

“My husband left me because I gained weight.”

Does your divorce story start and end with, “My husband left me because I got fat”?

Maybe a boyfriend broke up with you because you gained weight. 

Maybe he had an affair with a thinner woman, or started dating a smaller girlfriend shortly after you divorced. Maybe he told you: “I’m not attracted to you anymore because you are overweight, and I want a divorce.”

I imagine that hurts like hell. After all my own, related shame around my body in romantic relationships hurt really badly, even though it was not a full marriage at stake. 

But I am not going to let you off that easily. Two big points:

1. It takes two people to make a marriage work, and it takes two people to end it. If your weight were the single deal-breaker in keeping the marriage together (which it never is, keep reading), then why wouldn’t you just lose the weight? 

2. It is never just about the weight. Fat people stay happily married all the time. So do couples in which one is fit and the other is not. Weight is like money in a marriage: It does not help or hurt a  marriage in and of itself. What the thing does is highlight other, deeper, more human parts of the people involved, and the inner workings of the relationship itself.

As psychiatrist Gail Saltz told the Today Show:

“Your turned-off feelings likely have to do with a lot more than weight. I suspect there are other issues that are harder to pinpoint: You are angry at your wife, you feel awkward being honest with her, you have let your lives become dominated by workday things, you have trouble communicating.

“I’m not saying that having an overweight spouse has no impact on your sex life. Sure, your wife might be less attractive to you in the physical sense. And being overweight sends a negative message — that your wife doesn’t care enough about herself, the marriage or whether you have sex. Now, you fear saying anything and she feels you are pulling away, so you are wary around each other, setting off a vicious circle of avoidance and annoyance.”

What to do when your husband or wife says they’re done

They ask:

“Why do wives get fat?”

The reasons wives get fat are the same reasons everyone else gets fat: 

  • Not prioritizing health
  • Too little time to exercise and/or cook healthy foods 
  • Childbirth and nursing tend to be connected with weight gain 
  • Emotional issues involving food, self-image and connection to our physical selves, which can stem from deep and old wounds 
  • She is pushing him away. Whether consciously or consciously, she may really be unhappy in the marriage, and knows that her weight is an easy way for him to blame her for the end of the relationships—and for her to label him a superficial jerk for not loving her no matter what. 
  • People are complicated and complex.
  • Marriages are complicated and complex. 

This Cornell University study found some interesting takeaways about marriage and weight gain:

  • Married people are heavier than single people
  • Obese women are happier than other women in their marriages. Researchers suspect this is because they appreciate that their value on the singles market is low, and therefore are contented with their marriages than thinner women. 
  • Obese men were less happy with their wives than other men, because, the paper proposes, their wives nag them about their weight, which causes marital conflict, and because men do not internalize societal fat-shaming as much as women.

“Will losing weight help my marriage?”

It might. Any effort to take care of and love yourself will improve your self-confidence, which improves relationships in your life — including your marriage. This new dynamic also may highlight other flaws in your relationship that have nothing to do with your weight.

Here’s what a friend of said:

A friend was telling me of her new diet and plans to lose 20 lbs. “I told Jack (her husband of 10 years), ‘I’m so sorry I got fat since we married!’” From everything I can tell, their relationship is thriving, but my friend has a deep-rooted sense that she has an obligation to make efforts in her appearance and weight.

This is no 50s housewife. This is a progressive, fabulous professional woman who enjoyed an adventurous love life for years before marrying a wonderful (also progressive and fabulous) man. I admit I was a bit taken aback by her commitment to maintaining her figure for her husband. The partyline progressive and feminist (is that redundant?) stance is that it doesn’t matter what you look like! He should love you/be committed no matter what! Conforming appearances for your partner’s sexual desire is degrading! It’s what’s inside that matters.

Like many progressive and feminist issues, this one does not take into account the very human nature of dudes and chicks. There is no arguing with the fact that men are more visually inclined. Sure, there have been a couple of recent studies that challenge this stereotype, but suffice it to say that an MSNBC poll a few years ago revealed that half of men would dump his female partner if she got fat (just 20 percent of women said the same of their husbands and boyfriends). According to my own scientific research (dating a bunch of divorced guys), I can tell you that if his wife got fat, it bugged him. Even the really progressive and feminist guys. And, I might add, especially the professionally successful ones.

“Should we try relationship/marriage counseling when a husband or wife gets fat?”

A skilled couples therapist—whether you are married or not—can be instrumental in helping your communicate your needs and stresses in the relationship. A good relationship counselor will also help you and your husband or wife uncover the deeper reasons that you are not connecting any more—and help you realign once again.

Couples counseling can be very challenging for reasons that include practical ones:

  • It is hard to schedule a time that works for both of you—including location and driving to and from the session
  • Cost, since insurance rarely pays for therapy any more 
  • Finding a couples counselor that you both like, which is especially hard in smaller communities that have fewer mental health professionals 

Online therapy platforms are a great option. BetterHelp has an A+ Better Business Bureau rating, and allows you to choose from thousands of certified and licensed therapists. With prices starting at $60 per week for unlimited messaging and weekly live sessions, BetterHelp is extremely convenient and efficient. Financial assistance is available. Read about my experience with BetterHelp.

Or, research reviews of the top online therapy sites to find the help you need, now.

“Is weight gain a reason for divorce?”

Weight gain is really never the reason for divorce. The weight symbolizes a lack of effort to maintain the relationship, lack of sexual connection, failure to prioritize health or simply a growing apart.

Plus, people have divorced for far, far less.

15 signs your husband or wife wants a divorce

“What do you do if your spouse or significant other gains weight and you want to leave him/her?”

First of all, just be honest with your partner. Maybe you sit down and tell them:

“I really love you, and I want desperately to make this relationship to work. For me, that includes each of us taking care of our health and physical appearance. That includes weight.”

If things have gotten this far without this level of honesty (which is likely a sign of your kindness!), then bring in a professional. 

If your marriage or relationship is really headed for divorce, be smart and start planning. Here is what every mom should ask for in divorce negotiations.

This post was originally published Nov. 9, 2014. 

Will losing weight help my marriage?

It might. Any effort to take care of and love yourself will improve your self-confidence, which improves relationships in your life, including your marriage. This new dynamic also may highlight other flaws in your relationship that have nothing to do with your weight.

Is weight gain a reason for divorce?

Weight gain is really never the reason for divorce. The weight symbolizes a lack of effort to maintain the relationship, lack of sexual connection, failure to prioritize health or simply a growing apart.

Why do wives get fat?

The reasons wives get fat are the same reasons everyone else gets fat: not prioritizing health, too little time to exercise, and many more.

Itching to get out of the house? Ready to travel? Maybe you’re a new single mom trying to figure it all out. Single mom travel with kids is a thing.

Even as a newly single mom with very little extra income, and a huge sense of overwhelm, I have still been able to take at least two trips each year—sometimes with my kids, other times with a man or a girlfriend, and often (my favorite), alone.

Here you will find tales of past summer road trips, and all my advice about single mom road tripping, and why you absolutely must travel with your kids. It is one of the most empowering things you can do.

Single moms, here’s why you should schedule a road trip with your kids

12 road trip essentials for kids

  1. Plan ahead for your travel
  2. Create traditions
  3. Create an affordable budget — and stick to it
  4. Team up with other adults 
  5. Pack snacks—but not too many
  6. Don’t rely on gadgets
  7. Bring family road trip games
  8. Find ways to exercise
  9. Remember: Everything is a big deal when you’re little
  10. Take the slow road
  11. Start by searching for “road trips near me”
  12. Just do it 

Emma’s experience with road trips as a single mom:

Bottom line: Yes, single moms do travel! Here’s how:

Single moms, here’s why you should schedule a road trip with your kids

Tomorrow morning I leave on a 10-day road trip with my kids, ages 3 and 5.

I thought of cooking up a clever intro to this post, but the bare-bone facts seem to be plenty compelling to anyone to whom I mention this adventure.

The trip — New York to Chicago, Milwaukee, rural Illinois and back — will be long, yes. And — mark my words — it will be fun! Even for me.

We could have flown. I have flown many times with my kids, and I have to say that they are awesome flyers. Airports are exciting, and they get into the protocol of check-in, boarding, ordering whatever you want to drink from the attendant. Dollar-for-dollar, flying and driving come out about equal — gas, hotel, restaurant meals considered.

But I believe driving will be better. Here is why:

Driving is more freeing

My family’s life is so structured. We have a schedule, each and every day. As a divorced family, we have even more than others: the weekdays are built around work and school, evenings and weekends split between my house and my ex’s. Rushing to catch planes is just one more time-sensitive task that I am compelled to avoid. So I am.

Best co-parenting apps

I want to reconnect with my kids.

If we flew, we would be going from our crazy New York life to the home of friends and relatives. Sure, I would spend plenty of time with each of my children over a week and a half.

But when it is just the three of us on four wheels for days on end, we will get into the groove of it being just the three of us. Otherwise, I can get into the groove of either being without my kids, or looking to the hours when I am without my kids. I want it to be different.

Positive Parenting Solutions review: Is it worth it?

Kids need to learn how to just be, and not be entertained

My neighbor Jen, now in her early 50s, has very fond memories of annual month-long roadtrips starting when she was aged 3 and her brother 5. Her parents took the backseat out of their VW Bug and the kids would play, nap and snack as they cruised leisurely across time zones. For weeks on end, people.

True: I am bringing my iPad loaded with two movies: Charlotte’s Web and Night at the Museum (I figured out how to mount the device between the front seats with a bungee cord). I downloaded the audio recording of Stuart Little. Then we will pass the time by counting silos and sing 99 Bottles of Beer, just like I did as a kid. Except it will be fun.

I want to prove I can do it

I want to feed my ego and thumb my nose at all the people who tell me I am crazy and that I will do a U-ie on Rt. 80 when my kids are pooping in their booster seats and throw half-gnawed organic yogurt-covered pretzels at the back of my head like confetti.

Because a) my angels never act like that, and b) if they do, I will just crank up the Feist and continue on with cruise control until the next rest stop. Where I will bind them to their seats with the bungee cord.

I want to learn how to indulge my kids

This is something that is hard for me to do, and I want to get better at it. Do special things, spoil them a little. I don’t believe in buying lots of stuff — for adults or kids. My children have never tasted fast food. But we will be stopping at McDonald’s PlayPlaces and it better blow their goddamned minds.

This scene is rich for material

I am opting not to video record / seek endorsements / take copious notes on this trip, despite what my colleagues urge, en lieu of taking a proper vacation. You know, a vacation? Like, days and weeks when you do not work? That.

In fact, I just turned down a big radio interview, even though I could have figured out how to make sure I was in decent cell service off the freeway in Pennsylvania at 3 p.m. Eastern tomorrow, but that would be stressful. And a radio interview, as fun as it is, is classified under work — not vacation.

Instead, I think something even better will come of focusing on my kids. Like living stories to write about. Stories that will make me rich and famous. And so check back here over the next couple of weeks.

I don’t have many plans, so I can’t tell you what you will find. But you may just get reportage from the field. Field of happy vacationing. In a 1999 red Subaru Forester named Rosie. With two kids. And a mom. Whose blood pressure is actually lower than when she departed.

12 road trip essentials for kids

After returning from a 2-week road trip with my kids, this is my perspective:

Why was everyone I know warning me not to make the trek from New York City to rural Illinois with my two children? Maybe it’s because the kids are ages 3 and 5. Or perhaps they worried my sanity would be tested by the fact that this journey happened by car. Or was it that I did it alone, with no other adult along for the good times?

Despite friends’ and acquaintances’ dire predictions of highway meltdowns and sleepless nights in hotels, I was thrilled to find how fun and relaxing the trip was. Lucas and Helena were remarkably well behaved, and I enjoyed the whole experience far more than I predicted—and despite the naysayers’ shrill warnings, I predicted it would be fun!

I had never done a trip like this with Helena and Lucas, and I learned a few things about traveling with little kids. If you plan on taking a similar trip, here’s what you need to know:

1. Plan ahead for your travel

Whether it is a vacation destination (think Disney or an Antarctica cruise for adventurous families), or even visiting relatives, find a few fun things to research, discuss as a family, and look forward to. On our list this year includes meeting a new niece, visiting a lighthouse with my mom, and listening to audiobooks on the road (titles TBD — any recommendations?).

For families planning to fly into their starting point and drive from there, services like East Coast Car Rentals offer flexible vehicle options that make it easy to hit the road on your own schedule without being tied to public transport. Also, we’re excited to stay connected throughout our trip with Holafly travel eSIM, making sure we don’t miss out on any important updates or moments while exploring new places.

2. Create traditions

One mom I know gives her sons little boxes of Froot Loops when they hit the road, and the kids gnaw on the florescent cereal “like it’s crack, since road trips are the only time they are allowed that treat.”

My kids and I decided that white chocolate–covered pretzels (my favorite) and gummy bears (theirs) will be our special road trip snack. Besides food, pick an album or two to sing along with—over and over. Make it music that the family will always associate with the trip.

Here are some traditions we started for road trips: White chocolate covered pretzels, gummie bears, I pack the kids a special hot breakfast to go on the morning we launch, listen to an audiobook for Stuart Little and let the kids fall asleep watching cable TV (which we don’t have at home).

For quiet downtime before bed at the hotel, we also like bringing personalized superhero books for kids, which let them imagine themselves as the hero of their own adventure while traveling.

Another tradition that keeps kids excited without screens: let them be the hero of the trip. Pack a personalized bedtime read for each stop, or create a “vacation library” featuring custom children’s books that use your child’s name and likeness. Read a chapter in the hotel each night, then jot a few lines inside about that day’s adventures. You’ll get quiet, connective moments in the car and before lights out, and your kids will wake up eager for the next “chapter” of their own story. Bonus: those books become the sweetest souvenirs when you’re back home. 

3. Create an affordable budget — and stick to it

Vacations are supposed to be fun. Nothing fun about stressing about blowing your bank account! This year, funds are tight for me. I’m excited to drive my new car with extended warranty coverage, which gets better milage than my old one, and we’re staying every night with friends or relatives (thanks in advance guys – feel free to kick us out when we get on your nerves. Or … don’t?).

I’ve written about a few trips I’ve taken with my single-mom friend Morghan. It’s more affordable, less work and more fun to partner up.

4. Team up with other adults 

You don’t need to tell me you love your kids. I know you do. But kids can be really, really boring (not to mention annoying). Build in time with other adults.

I have traveled with another single mom friend, and I always build in visits with friends or family wherever I go. Don’t be shy about asking if you can be a houseguest, make a point of calling old friends or even acquaintances in the area you’re visiting, or, before leaving for your destination, put out a call on social media for contacts and connections who live in your destination.

And when you land, never be shy about chatting with other families at the beach, museum or campground. You never know what magic might happen.

I’ve also found that having a UK eSIM, or something similar, when abroad makes it easy to stay in touch with friends, coordinate meetups, or simply look up where to go next, without having to deal with local SIM cards

25 apps to make friends and meet new people

5. Pack snacks—but not too many

Of course, kids (and adults!) need calories to stave off the grumpies while on the road. But don’t rely on sugary or greasy treats to occupy bored minds; instead, try fruits, nuts, and beef jerky sticks for the road. 

Try to keep the munchies few and relatively healthy. Instead, stop for a sit-down meal, which will likely be healthier than fast food and provide a great way to take a break. Sitting face-to-face as a family will allow you to track maps with your kids, look at guidebooks and brainstorm your next stop.

On longer days, consider a compact 12V camping fridge/freezer instead of a cooler. Unlike ice chests, these maintain a set temperature, so yogurt, berries and sandwiches stay fresh, and there’s no soggy mess. Browse the BCF fridge freezers collection for size guides, power draw, and single- vs dual-zone models that let you chill drinks while keeping popsicles or ice packs frozen. Plug into your car’s 12V outlet or a battery pack and you’re picnic-ready anywhere.

Easy, affordable meal planning tips for single moms

6. Don’t rely on gadgets

Many parents suggested their favorite Pixar films as ways to sedate restless little road warriors, and I loaded up my iPad with a few. But only on the very last leg home did I bust out Babe and Kung Fu Panda. Research finds that extensive video game playing and small-screen viewing will actually rev kids up, not calm them down.

Instead, try to keep them occupied with audio books. We listen every year to E.B. White’s Stuart Little, read by Julie Harris. Also, get into the sing-along songs. Our family loves old country-western, and we belted out June Carter and Johnny Cash’s Jackson more times than I can count.

Insider tip: If you do go for the iPad, stretch a bungee cord between the headrests of the front two seats and drape the tablet’s cover over for backseat viewing.

7. Bring family road trip games

Nothing can bond your family — and bring out the belly laughs — like a good old-fashioned family game. My family loves Telestrations — basically a combo of pictionary and telephone — where you start by drawing a picture and pass it around for others to guess, usually ending in a truly hilarious “result.”

Don’t forget to bring a simple deck of cards! Classic card games like Solitaire are perfect for quiet moments in the car or winding down at the hotel. You can even challenge each other to see who can solve a game the fastest. Prefer digital play? You can enjoy hundreds of variations of Solitaire online for free on sites like Solitaire Bliss, which offer daily challenges, stat tracking, and themed decks for extra fun.

Some other favorites are Apples to Apples (available in Junior for younger kids) and Head’s Up, which you can also download as an app on your phone. 

When you’re actually in the car, consider old standbys like “I Spy” or the Alphabet Game, where you have to name things in alphabetical order for a specific category (think animals, foods, movies, etc.). 

If you want something even more interactive, prepare a DIY scavenger hunt for kids by listing common roadside sights like a red barn, a wind turbine, or a specific license plate to keep them engaged with the world outside their window.

If your kids are a little older, you can also play the Celebrity Name game, where you have to name a celebrity that starts with the first letter of the previous celebrity’s last name (i.e. Tom Hanks, Heather Lochlear, Lance Bass — you get the idea). Naming a celebrity with the same letter first and last name reverses the list back to the previous person. If you can’t come up with a celebrity, you’re out!

You can also buy a set of car bingo cards to allow your kids to mark off sites they see along the way.

8. Find ways to exercise

I’m used to exercising 5 or 6 days per week. I get grumpy when I don’t. Everyone is happier when momma exercises! Tips: do a few laps in the hotel pool while the kids splash at the shallow end; yoga or a workout in the morning while they watch cartoons; or take a jog around your houseguests’ neighborhood.

And get the kids in it! For our road trip I pack a soccer ball and frisbee for a rest stop spaz-burn.

9. Remember: Everything is a big deal when you’re little

The fact that my children are so small made it easy to impress them. Staying in a hotel was totally glamorous. (My daughter and I had a bit of a verbal tussle when she insisted that our ’80s conference center digs were “the most beautiful in the world” and I politely disagreed. Hey, it’s my duty as her mother to teach her taste!).

They giddily opted for “special beds,” which were made of folded quilts on relatives’ floors, over an actual bed and marveled at the salad bar at a truck stop. Who needs expensive amusement parks?

10. Take the slow road

The main reason I opted to drive rather than fly on this vacation was my desire to get off our strict schedule and just chill. Even though we mostly stuck to the highways (as opposed to the more interesting local routes), I made a point of taking it easy.

If you’re heading to the UAE, think through wheels early: I like rent-to-own cars from Renty—flexible monthly terms that feel like “your” car without a giant upfront bill. Book a family sedan or crossover, add car seats and full insurance, and pick up at Dubai or Abu Dhabi airport. For single-mom travel, that control over naps, snacks and detours is everything.

When someone wanted to stop to pee, we pulled over and took a break — even if we’d just lunched an hour earlier (save for the moment when, stuck in standstill Chicago traffic, my 3-year-old son awoke from a nap, screaming for a toilet. (Suffice it to say, I was grateful to have an empty water bottle on hand.)

At the last minute, I decided to drive straight from Illinois to New York and skip our plans to stay over at a hotel. The payoffs were plentiful: A giant rainbow met us as we rounded the bend in the Pennsylvania Pocono Mountains just before dusk. And when the sun set, my city kids marveled at the galaxies of fireflies swarming roadside. “I like driving in the car,” my daughter said.

There are so many ways you can control every aspect of your trip – book every meal at a restaurant, detail a daily itinerary. Schedule in some spontaneity. Har har, no oxymoron intended. In my case, we have a schedule around where we will sleep, but leave the days open to coordinate around our loved ones — and take in their suggestions of what to do in their cities.

11. Start by searching for “road trips near me”

If you haven’t taken a single mom road trip with kids before, it might be best to start with a short weekend getaway. Search for “road trips near me” or ask in a local Facebook moms group for suggestions of fun and easy trips with kids.

Think nearby beaches (lake or ocean), historic sites, and camping destinations. For a gentle introduction to road tripping with kids, options like Scotts Head cabins and camping offer a relaxed coastal setting that is easy to manage without the pressure of a long haul journey. Once you get your feet wet and build your road-tripping confidence, you can plan for longer trips to further away destinations.

12. Just do it 

I know how overwhelming traveling alone with kids can be. It can also be lonely. Hell, I remember feeling so triumphant very early in my single motherhood when I successfully walked 8 blocks to a neighborhood playground with my newborn and toddler.

But remember: You are living in a time of unbelievable abundance — as a person, as a woman, and as a mother. Yes, your Instagram #familyvacation pics will not look like you may have dreamed. But that does not mean you cannot do this.

It is a vacation, for crying out loud. Not brain surgery on your second grader. Go. Have fun. Embrace the challenge. Even more importantly: Relish the good times, the memories you are making on your own terms, with your own, wonderful and complete family.

Emma’s experience with road trips as a single mom:

For the record, every year my kids and I go on this trip (they are now 5 and 7). We have a small Subaru Impreza hatchback, don’t bring a tablet, and spend our many hours on the road listening to audiobooks (Stuart Little is a tradition – great travel story!), podcasts, singing along with the radio and talking.

Oh, and being silent. I didn’t realize that I am an anomaly in this regard until the Wall Street Journal last year interviewed me about my renegade no-iPad road trip practice.

I realize most people think I am a renegade, and by renegade, they really mean a total moron, for traveling alone for so many hours with children. I’m no moron, and I’m also no hero.

All this feigned “admiration” and quizzing/judging only speaks to the general over-parenting/coddling trend that complicates parenting and stresses out adults and children alike. I mean, read Little House on the Prairie. The Engels and their gaggle of girls were on the road for MONTHS. WITHOUT AN iPAD.

And while I suspect that Mary and Laura probably took turns beating the crap out of each other with a plastic hairbrush for 15 minutes just like my kids did last night, everyone lived to have bestselling memoirs and a prime-time spin-off created in their likeliness about how normal they all were.

The other point: Everyone assumes that single motherhood is so prohibitively impossible that a meager American rite of passage (the great road trip) is beyond their ability.

To which I say: Eff that.

This trip, just five days in, reminds me how much I love traveling with my kids. How they are really on their best behavior when on the road. With so much to entertain and engage them, with so much of my undivided attention and with a break from our usual (often grueling) routine, they are a delight, hairbrush pummeling aside.

In other words, people are full of crap. They tell you that you are crazy for traveling alone with your kids because they don’t think they can do it. Don’t let others define what you are capable of. You’re raising children alone for crying out loud.

You’ve been through a hell of a lot worse than grumpy children whining for McDonalds while a sign reading ‘Next rest stop 40 miles’ whizzes by. Let’s put things in perspective. Personally, touring around the beautiful upper United States in summer with two of my favorite people is a hell of a lot easier than being cooped up in a Queens apartment with those same people. But that is just me.

This year we started off in the Catskills with my single mom BFF Morghan and her parents rented a lake house and invited us. Despite the perpetual rain, the kids had a great time fishing, beating the crap out of each other and playing board games while Morghan and I caught up on work news, men news and drinking.

The kids are like cousins, having grown up knowing each other while their single moms, who are like sisters, got their acts together, and it was a great sendoff for the rest of our voyage. Thanks guys!

Five hours later: Niagara Falls, bitches! Inside scoop: Stay on the Canadian side, which is about 5,000x nicer, cleaner and prettier than the New York side. We did the whole scene in about 18 hours: takeout eaten on a picnic blanket at Victoria Park, taking in the falls, a dip in the hotel pool, an hour of Canadian Broadcast kids’ TV, bed. Then breakfast at the hotel, a Hornblower falls boat tour, lunch at Canadian fav Tim Hortons and on the road again.

Single mom insider tip: Make sure you get your ex to sign a travel consent form, or else the very cute, ripped, blond Canadian border agent will grill you and make you wish you had. Take it from me. For international travel you may need a SIM card, including for eSIM for UK, Mexico, Thailand  or Simify eSIM Japan and other countries.

Last night we landed in Charlevoix, Michigan, where we are staying for nine days in a giant, 5-bedroom historic house for free, thanks to my new obsession, HomeExchange.com, which connects travelers who want to swap homes. For free. So the lovely couple whose house we are trying not to destroy is staying in my New York City apartment and (presumably) feeding our cat and watering the plants. More on this arrangement later.

Two weeks ago I posted about my impending road trip with my kids. I had a hunch that despite the naysayers we would have a great time. Guess what? I was right.

TrustedHouseSitters Reviews: Who’s the house-sitting service good for?

Bottom line: Yes, single moms do travel! Here’s how:

I am writing this from a plane with my kids on the way from our NYC home to Chicago, where we will spend two weeks visiting friends and family, and the places where I grew up in a small town in Northern Illinois. 

This pilgrimage has become an annual tradition. It started out as a road trip — a mode of transport inspired mostly by my budget, but turned into an incredible adventure defying all naysayers who said I was insane for being on the road, alone, with a 3- and 5-year-old for two weeks. 

Here are my tips on how to enjoy a family road trip on a budget:

  1. Make a plan and start saving. Here are my tips for saving up for a vacation (or anything else you want!).
  2. Hunt for deals, be flexible, and build a vacation around cheap airline tickets or other bargains. I love NextVacay, Secret Travel and The Flight Deal, which you can set to send you emails about travel deals departing from your city. This is how I found $400 roundtrip tickets from NYC to Ho Chi Minh City, and took my kids to Vietnam for 13 days for $2,000 total.
  3. Roundtrip, baby! Map out friends and family who will welcome you for 2 or three days, bring a nice gift (I like a board game, and a photo book from your home city), and make your rounds. Fill in gaps with camping, cheap motels, or free nights bought with travel credit card or other travel points.
  4. Travel points! I’m not a huge point hoarder, but instead prefer to focus on just one airline (Delta for me, as they fly to cities I frequent like Chicago, where I have family), and one credit card which has a rewards program that works for me (bonuses for business-related purchases, and a 25% bonus for travel redemption). I recently found myself with a few extra days at the end of a roadtrip to Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island, and booked two free points nights at an adorable oceanside cottage in Maine — much better than being crammed in a 2-bedroom NYC apartment in July with two kids as a single mom!
  5. Home swap. One of the best tips I can share about single mom travel is to check out HomeExchange, a house-swapping platform that has saved me thousands of dollars and afforded my kids and myself incredible experiences.

If you’ve been cheated on by your husband, you’ll probably relate to these things my readers have said over the years:

We’re negotiating our divorce settlement, and I believe I should be compensated for losing the family I wanted. My husband cheated, decided to leave, and I now miss my kids half the time and don’t have a real family.

I am so pissed I have to pay alimony! He was unfaithful — how is that fair!?

He moved in with his girlfriend — the one he had the affair with. I will never be nice to her and do not want my kids exposed to her. She is a horrible person!

I make sure I don’t get a raise so he will have to keep paying alimony. That way, he doesn’t get off the hook — my husband cheated, went on to make way more money than I do. He needs to be punished.

For the record, my ex-husband didn’t cheat on me. He did announce to all his guy friends (some of whom told me) that the minute he moved out he had a number of hotties he planned to ask out, which, in the depths of my pregnant self, hurt like a mother. 

So, how do you get past the hurt, get over your cheating husband, and divorce him? By looking at the facts (he cheated), making a plan to move on (find peace), understanding divorce law, and knowing your rights.

How does infidelity affect divorce?

How to find peace after being cheated on

  1. Put your husband’s cheating into perspective with therapy
  2. Make it your goal to forgive the infidelity, heal and thrive
  3. Take responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage and forgive yourself
  4. Realize that worse things have happened to people (no matter how much this hurts)
  5. Invest time, self-care and perhaps therapy to rebuild your self-confidence, and remember that you are a lovable woman.
  6. Recognize that repeating and focusing on the story of his unfaithful acts ultimately hurts you, and holds you back.
  7. Focus on rebuilding your own incredible life post-divorce.

Understand divorce law re: cheating husbands 

What are my rights in a divorce if my husband cheated on me?

Does a cheating spouse affect child custody?

Should I divorce my cheating husband?

How does infidelity affect divorce?

Ask any divorce lawyer, and they will tell you: When there is infidelity, settlements are all but impossible, rationale goes out the window, and contention runs higher than in other matrimonial dissolutions.

“That betrayal colors every single part of the divorce process, and makes it so much harder for the cheated-on spouse to be reasonable,” said New York City family attorney Morghan Richardson.

It is understandable why cheated-on spouses go so bananas with rage. You had a deal. You would sleep with and only love each other. You and your family came first, no matter what. That is the deal in marriage today, and you signed up and stuck it out, and he didn’t. That isn’t fair and it sucks so freaking bad.

Also: Trust. You trusted him. You trusted you were his only lover. You trusted him when he said he was working late, or having a beer with his friends or at the office during business hours and not running around in the back of his car or at her house where her kids played in the next room.

This was not the man you knew and love (yes, currently. You probably still love him, at least a little. Or a lot). If he had a secret life, untoward agenda about his romantic life, can you trust him to be the father you thought he was? What else is he lying about? Money? Accounts?

These are tell-tale signs of a cheating husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend.

How to divorce your husband after cheating.

How to find peace after being cheated on

Not all infidelity ends in divorce, but for many, cheating does make it difficult to trust again or repair a marriage. Here is some advice to consider when navigating an extramarital affair and moving forward with divorce:

  1. Put your husband’s cheating into perspective with therapy.
  2. Forgive your ex.
  3. Take responsibility for your share of the breakdown of the relationship.
  4. Realize that worse things have happened to people.
  5. Invest time, self-care and perhaps therapy to rebuild your self-confidence..
  6. Don’t  focus on his unfaithful acts. It ultimately hurts you, and holds you back.
  7. Focus on rebuilding your own incredible life post-divorce.

1. Put your husband’s cheating into perspective with therapy

Look, people cheat every single day, and have since the dawn of humanity. It hurts, yes it does, and those feelings are real and valid. But ever-after, fantasy love and lifelong marriage based on romantic feelings? Never proven sustainable, and face it: You know it.

You know that is a fact now as you read this, and you knew it when you got married, and before that, too. You know half of marriages don’t last. And you know plenty of married people who have affairs. I’m not passing judgment on this fact one way or the other. But it is a fact, and if you thought you were immune from it, well… now you know you were naive and wrong. I’m sorry for your pain, but that has nothing to do with what happens next.

Shit happens. Shit happens in business, in the economy. The natural world is full of shit happening, the government is a mess and your friends will inevitably let you down. Do you wallow in it? Or do you own your feelings, sort out your part of the mess, and push forward into a brighter future?

Consider a support group, counseling, including online therapy, which can be much more affordable, and convenient than traditional, in-person counseling (you can do text, phone, video or email therapy from anywhere, any place — no need to hire a sitter or spend time commuting!).

Read our BetterHelp review for more details.

2. Make it your goal to forgive the infidelity, heal and thrive

This is the part where you get to blame him. For a minute.

Ask any divorce lawyer. Family court judge, therapist or best friend of a divorced person: The people who thrive after a split are those who get on with it already. No matter the circumstances, they forgive, focus on what they can control (not him, for crying out loud! YOURSELF. Your life, feelings, actions. YOU!).

Don’t take it out on your ex in divorce proceedings

Moms who thrive after divorce don’t drag the ex to court every other week, or get into text pissing matches, blaming the other party for “ruining our family.” They accept their kids’ new step-parents and ex’s romantic partners, because, what is the other choice? To badmouth the person to your kids for eternity? Spew vitriol across the aisle at your kids’ wedding, or confirmation or bat mitzvah? Wallow in the pain and contrived victimhood of your divorce? Not a good look.

It may take time to actually, authentically feel better and whole and strong again. Until then, fake it till you make it. Be civil and focus on getting through the horrors of the divorce process.

Focus on getting past your divorce

I’ve been through a divorce, and let me give you the best piece of advice I can: GET OUT OF THAT PLACE ASAP! Clench your jaw and get to the other side as graciously and maturely as possible. Help your kids acclimate to their new living arrangements. Be at the very least civil and non-violent to his new (or maybe not-so-new?) girlfriend. Bite the shit out of that tongue. Just bite it and smile.

Instead, focus on building your career, your finances, enjoying your kids. when you are ready, dip your toe in dating. Here is my guild to surprising joys of dating after divorce. And if you’re ready for a committed, long-term relationship, eHarmony is the go-to, No. 1 best site for finding a partner.

Read more about eharmony, including cost, app and success rates with our eharmony review.

This is what I want for you: A happy, STD-free future, full of forgiveness and peace. You got this. But it is on you.

My advice:

Get all up and messy with that pain. Yes, you were betrayed, lied to and manipulated. Perhaps you took your wedding vows seriously, or simply trusted him. That is serious and you must acknowledge it, work it through with your therapist and understand why it happened and how it affected you. The wedding ring needs to go, it will make you feel better to be rid of it.

Read: After a divorce, you get one year to be a hot mess. Sorry, but you don’t get extra time after an affair than other people going through a divorce.

One pitfall to look out for:

When your single status or divorce comes up with friends, colleagues or new people you meet, resist the urge to mention that your ex had an affair. That puts the blame on him 100%, paints you as a self-loathing victim, and otherwise enlists pity. Plus, it keeps that narrative alive and strong, and prolongs the pain of getting over an affair.

3. Take responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage and forgive yourself

This is where it gets really hard. But this step is necessary:

Take responsibility for the end of the marriage.

This does NOT mean that you are responsible for his actions, or that his affair is because you gained weight, or that it is women’s responsibility to keep the family together.

No. He is an adult responsible for his actions and his relationships. So are you. It takes two people to make a marriage thrive, and it takes two to end it.

You may not get there right away. It will likely take a long time, a lot of couples therapy, tears and inner work to get to this spot.

But don’t rob yourself of this opportunity to learn about yourself, grow, and pave the way for a better relationship in the future—whatever that looks like for you.

Vow right now to take your share of the responsibility for the end of your relationship—and to forgive yourself.

And yes, there is therapy for cheating, marriage counseling can help after an affair, and infidelity counseling is a thing — as is therapy for sex addiction. Maybe it works, and maybe it doesn’t — but very few people ever regret going to therapy.

4. Realize that worse things have happened to people (no matter how much this hurts)

Otherwise loving partners lie and cheat every day of the week. It does happen. That is not to dismiss your hurt, anger or grief. But worse things do happen — and people do get over infidelity.

5. Invest time, self-care and perhaps therapy to rebuild your self-confidence, and remember that you are a lovable woman.

Read our post about how to feel confident and sexy. Flirt with a stranger (innocently). Spend time with people who love and appreciate you. Remind yourself: You will get through this.

6. Recognize that repeating and focusing on the story of his unfaithful acts ultimately hurts you, and holds you back.

You’ve heard it before, but: Holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

Talking excessively about the affair, or bringing it up right away with new people you meet, or in arguments with your husband (or ex-husband) serves no one — most especially not you.

7. Focus on rebuilding your own incredible life post-divorce.

The best revenge is living well! After divorce you get one year to be a hot mess.

Understand divorce law re: cheating husbands 

No-fault divorce is standard in every state, meaning a couple can divorce without showing blame or fault.

Judges could care less. They’ve heard it all before, and it matters none how many people he fucked, whether the mistress was your best friend, neighbor, sister or cousin. Don’t care! Doesn’t affect how much money each party gets, and infidelity does not affect his ability to parent.

You don’t get alimony because your feelings are hurt.

[How to coparent with an ex]

Those judges are right, and they are correct. If you understand what the law says about divorce, it will help guide your negotiations. Whether you mediate or each retain attorneys, the goal is usually to avoid trial, and therefore apply to any discussions what a judge would typically rule.

Hopefully, you have a great lawyer who will guide you through a slit that is as low-conflict as possible. Listen to her. And she will tell you: No one in the legal world cares a bit that he cheated. Remember that!

10 signs of toxic parenting

What are my rights in a divorce if my husband cheated on me?

There are no special rights allotted to forsaken women. In some cases, if you suspect your husband spent large sums of money on his mistress or affair partner, that may be factored into financial settlement calculations.

Instead of trying to take revenge through the legal process, focus on the task at hand: Divorcing amicably, with a focus on low-conflict and stability for the kids.

In a best-case scenario, you could file for divorce yourselves, online. Here is our list of the best, cheapest and most thorough online divorce services.

There are no reparations in divorce

No financial compensation for your broken heart, and no parental upper hand because you loved him more than he loved you. Sure, you can blackmail a bigger financial settlement in exchange for not telling his super-religious mom about the prostitutes, but she probably already knows.

And if not, who cares? He’s not your husband anymore, he can’t give you an STD any longer, can’t spend your money any longer, and it is over. Plus, no one likes a tattletale. All you can do is move on. The closest you will get is to sell your diamond ring he gave you and feel good about it. Instead, focus on what you can control, and ask for the right things in divorce.

Does a cheating spouse affect child custody?

Technically, no, child support is not affected by infidelity since there is no-fault divorce in every state.

However, these things are often subject to a judge’s arbitrary ruling, so infidelity may be factored into a divorce trial. As more and more courts defer to equally shared parenting, this is less likely each day.

Can my husband get custody if I cheated?

The same rules and trends apply to whether a man or woman cheated. However, it is well documented that society, and therefore judges, too, judge women and mothers who are unfaithful in their marriages than men. On the other hand, women are presumed to be the primary caretakers of children far more than men, so that might be a consideration, too.

Again, as society evolves to view men and women as more equal, custody arrangements also evolve.

However, no matter who cheated, or whose fault you believe the divorce to be, I urge you to focus on equally shared parenting and an amicable divorce. This is so important not only for the sake of the kids, but both parties’ ability to heal and move forward afterward.

Here are more tips on how to be a successful co-parent after divorce.

[A guide to when to consider couple’s counseling]

Should I divorce my cheating husband?

Maybe yes, maybe no. Ultimately, the decision is your choice. You need to decide if the broken trust can be repaired. 

Was it a single fling, that is now over, in an otherwise monogamous, stable relationship? Then you may be able to forgive him, understand what was broken in your marriage, work together to fix it, and move on.

Are one or both of you craving an open, polyamorous relationship? Then it might be worked out.

Did the affair bring to light deeper chasms in the relationship? Are you willing to work on those shortcomings? Do you feel the marriage was already unhappy? The answer may be no, and that is OK. Then the marriage is over.

Did the affair happen a long time ago, and is clearly over? Then focus on forgiveness and mend your marriage.

Is he a perpetual, chronic cheater, and liar? Is this not ok with you? You may have to end the marriage.

If your husband has cheated on you, end things amicably and move forward.

Did your ex cheat? What did you say to a cheating man? How did that affect your divorce? How did you get over it? Share in the comments!

How does infidelity affect divorce?

Ask any divorce lawyer, and they will tell you: When there is infidelity, settlements are all but impossible, rationale goes out the window, and contention runs higher than in other matrimonial dissolutions.

What are my rights in a divorce if my husband cheated on me?

There are no special rights allotted to forsaken women. In some cases, if you suspect your husband spent large sums of money on his mistress or affair partner, that may be factored into financial settlement calculations.

Does a cheating spouse affect child custody?

Technically, no, child support is not affected by infidelity since there is no-fault divorce in every state.

Should I divorce my cheating husband?

Maybe yes, maybe no. Ultimately, the decision is your choice. You need to decide if the broken trust can be repaired.

Where to start on Wealthysinglemommy.com

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15 signs your husband or wife is ready to leave

Should I get a divorce? Signs you should consider divorce or a legal separation

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What to read first in DATING

Why kids don’t always come first when dating as a single parent

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Online dating apps: The ultimate guide for single moms

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Co-parenting rules: How to coparent with an ex

Best co-parenting apps

What to tell your kid when their dad is not involved

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Wealthysinglemommy.com founder Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, activist, author and expert. A former Associated Press reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has appeared on CNBC, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, NPR, TIME, The Doctors, Elle, O, The Oprah Magazine.

Winner of Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web” and a New York Observer “Most Eligible New Yorker,” her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was a New York Post ‘Must Read.’ As an expert on divorce and gender, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality and multiple state legislature hearings. Her next book, The 50-50 Solution, was published by Sourcebooks in March. 


More about Emma’s credentials.

Divorce guilt is simply feeling bad because you chose to leave your spouse, initiate divorce, or otherwise believe your actions caused the end of your marriage. 

It is normal to feel guilty or question your decision, especially when you think about the potential impact it can have on your family or others around you. Guilt is a reason to stay married, but it is not one that will inspire either of you to truly work on making the relationship a thriving, committed, connected one.

I see women get stuck on the divorce that they very much wanted and see the value in. Explicitly or implicitly, they feel guilty and that guilt holds them back.

Many women feel guilt about divorce. Divorce guilt lasts as long as you choose to, though it does take time to get over a big breakup. A good solid year is a generous measure of time to grieve.

If you’re wondering if it is normal to feel guilty about divorce, here’s what you should know:

Why do we feel sad or guilty about divorce?

  1. You feel you are breaking your commitment
  2. You may listen to society’s pressures or standards
  3. You are dealing with grief

If you are feeling guilty for wanting a divorce

How divorce guilt holds moms back

How to cope and get over divorce guilt

Struggling with horrible guilt after filing for divorce? Consider finding a therapist online using a therapy platform like BetterHelp. Read about my experience with BetterHelp.

Recently a mom emailed me:

“I want to divorce my husband but I feel guilty.”

I feel so guilty for leaving my marriage. My husband is a really, really nice guy. He is a great dad, loves me a lot, has a good career. There was nothing really wrong with our marriage. I just didn’t love him any more and wanted out. 

Now, our divorce is almost finalized, and we have all been so devastated — especially our kids. Now they have to schlep back and forth between two homes, go through the pain of having divorced parents, my ex is devastated, his parents and our friends are devastated, and we are both poorer having to support two homes. Even the dog loses since she stayed with me and misses her ‘dad’!

Of course I am very sad about all of this, but I just could not be married to him any more. We are not intellectual or professional peers — I am growing a digital business I am passionate about, while he is 100% content in his middle-management corporate job with good benefits.

I stopped being sexually attracted to him years ago, even though he is still a very handsome and fit man. Instead, I find myself fantasizing about and/or flirting with men in my professional circles who are mentally stimulating to me, understand my career and creative drive and ignite in me something I think I never experienced with my husband — deep, feminine PASSION (some of these guys are fat or old or not handsome — and I still find them so, so sexy!). These are men who jibe with my own growing social circle of equally driven and creative people — people who my husband never really connected with or felt comfortable around (even though, in all his decency and devotion to me, was always kind to and made an effort for).

I don’t have any commitment to any of these men, but simply feeling that way around them made me realize that by staying in my marriage, I am missing out on something I deeply crave and long to nurture.

Now, on the other side of my marriage, I see that I may not ever find that kind of romantic connection that I crave, and I may be lonely. I see those I love most suffering because of this decision, and I am left feeling selfish, guilty and all-around rotten.

Life after divorce — 11 things you can do now to move on

In short: I wanted the divorce — so why do I feel so sad?

“Remember that just because one feels guilt, doesn’t mean they are guilty,” says Michelle Pargman, a Jacksonville, Fla., licensed mental health counselor.

“Guilt is energy that can be used to further explore what one can do differently in the future. Grief is helpful to identify as a byproduct of divorce — whether the loss comes from the relationship itself, or the lost expectation of what was the original vision for the marriage. Once we acknowledge these feelings, we can address them — whether through individual counseling, group support, or identifying mentors, religious/spiritual leaders, or friends.”

I have heard many similar stories, all of which resonate on some level. I am glad I am not married to my ex, even if he is a good guy. Lots and lots of reasons, including some mentioned above by my emailer. But there are times when we are getting along, when we are chatting like old friends at the kids’ T-ball game, the kids are exhausted from schlepping back and forth between our apartments, I remember all his good qualities and all the benefits of marriage, and I think:

Can’t we just be adults and make it work? Can’t we just agree not to fight any more? Be in one home, be practical, get over this trite, adolescent notion of forever soulful romantic love, have no expectations your husband will fulfill you and just be realistic already – FOR THE KIDS’ SAKE? 

Then he will blame me for my kid tripping in the hallway of my apartment and getting a bloody boo-boo on his head, or cancel a visit with the kids last-minute because he wants to see a concert and all those cozy notions are thrown out the window quicker than a Las Vegas divorce.

Maybe it means I’m selfish. Maybe it means I can’t control my anger. Maybe it means I am an indulgent adolescent artist, but I don’t want to be married to my ex-husband, so I am not married to my ex-husband. We were great together in many ways, but we also bring out the worst in one another — something that neither of us are committed to overcoming. Also: I just don’t want to be married to him.

Also, also: That is OK.

All these feelings are totally normal, even if they are conflicting. Sit with them all, and feel them all. They are all part of the grieving and healing and celebrating process that is a breakup or divorce.

Going through a divorce now? What to ask for in negotiations, so you land on your feet

“I regret divorcing a good man.”

Sometimes, women regret divorcing a good guy. I know of one couple who split up because she felt like he cared too much about his career, and she was lonely. He was a good guy, her life was fine, but she wanted more. She fell in love with her gay fitness instructor (who, needless to say, did not return her sentiments), ended the marriage and when her ex went on to marry a much younger woman, have two babies and grow his restaurant business into a venture netting in the hundred-million-dollar range, she regretted her decision.

You likely will not, but just get on with it. Find the value in your experience, forge a new journey and land in a new and different — possibly better — place.

Why do we feel sad or guilty about divorce?

You may feel sad, guilty, or ashamed about getting a divorce because one or all of these:

  • You loved him, and now you don’t and you are grieving that loss.
  • You hurt him and you feel guilty about that. He’s a good guy!
  • You upset your entire family, hurt your kids and upended your life. That is a lot of responsibility for one person to take on.
  • You are worried your kids will hate you for the rest of your life.
  • You took a risk and are worried that you will regret it later.
  • You already regret your decision to divorce.
  • Everything in your life is changing and that is always hard.
  • Your original plan, your dream of how your life would look and what you thought you wanted didn’t work out, and you are working on letting that go.

1. You feel you are breaking your commitment

You ended a relationship that you committed to (broke your commitment), and the reasons are likely your own happiness.

2. You may listen to society’s pressures or standards

Women are taught that our highest calling is to sacrifice for family and children. In other words, we are taught early on that our happiness is frivolous and selfish.

We are told from all sides that children in single-mom homes suffer and are being punished for their parents’ inability to keep an unhappy marriage together. Mothers always take the blame for this nonsense.

Wives are instructed to be the glue in a marriage — a straying husband, or unhappy husband, or frayed marriage is pegged on her letting herself go / not being attentive enough / being a bitch and nag / not good enough.

Even if on an unconscious level, you take on the sexist shaming of moms’ sexuality. Any desire you may have to date, find romance, get laid, test the dating waters, poke around on a dating site — or be public with a man you are deeply in love with (and maybe cheated on with) — is met with a bountiful dose of society’s madonna-whore complex when it comes to mothers: We are told that good mothers are virgins, and our children will shrivel in horror should they be subject to their mothers’ expression of womanhood.

3. You are dealing with grief

You are legit grieving a relationship that once brought you great joy and comfort.

You are also legit grieving a relationship / dream / family that you very much wanted, that was part of a dream and a plan and an assumption about what your life would be — and no longer is.

Again, all of this is normal. Work through your rotten feelings, and understand where they come from.

While I am here to tell you that it takes two people to make a relationship work, and both parties have a responsibility for a relationship not working out, there can be some overt actions society tells us are wrong that place the responsibility on one spouse, such as: 

  • Cheating
  • Battling an addiction
  • Physical or emotional abuse
  • Managing finances poorly — including racking up debt, overspending, and inability to keep a job / refusal to work
  • Lack of sex
  • Simply wanting to leave to live your own life

If you are feeling guilty for wanting a divorce

If you feel guilty for leaving a marriage, and you are really beating yourself up, here are a few things to consider:

  • Be honest: Is your husband really working on this relationship? Or has he passively given up, too.
  • Is he happy? Be honest.
  • Do you worry that if you leave, he will hurt himself, or otherwise be miserable? (Co-dependent alert!).
  • Do all your friends and family think this marriage is really bad for you and urge you to leave? Listen to them. We are often our own worst judges.

See where I am going here? I get that you feel bad, but our society has established it as women’s jobs to keep our men happy, fed, laid and our marriages intact.

In reality, you are a woman with needs and desires and since we can now earn our own money, vote, and own land in our own damn names, marriages mainly serve as a source of emotional and sexual fulfillment. Once that is gone, there isn’t a whole lot of reason to stay.

Where to find the best, affordable life insurance for single moms (no medical exam)

How divorce guilt holds moms back

Where feelings of guilt related to your divorce get messy, is when you hold yourself back in implicit and explicit ways. You stay stuck. Here are common ways women’s divorce guilt keep them stuck.

Divorce guilt can make divorce more expensive and painful

If you are just starting out on your divorce journey, regret or guilt can manifest in all kinds of toxic ways that make the divorce process that much more painful for all parties involved — including hiring litigious attorneys, playing dirty and costing everyone money and heartache. (Read: Our guide for how to prepare for divorce)

If this touches a nerve, take a deep breath. Ask your higher power for grace, kindness, and forgiveness — of him, and yourself. Seek out the lowest-conflict divorce you can. This might mean working with a mediator or filing yourself for divorce online.

Divorce guilt can hurt your co-parenting relationship

No matter how you feel about your ex, or your marriage, or the end of that relationship, if you have kids together, here are the facts:

He will be in your life forever. The sooner you figure out how to co-parent amicably, the better. Read these rules for successful co-parenting — no matter how toxic your ex.

You may find that he is a better dad post-divorce, and now that you don’t fight with him any more, and have the kids half the time, you are a better mom.

You might like him again (it has happened).

Read our review of OurFamilyWizard, one of the first co-parenting apps

Divorce guilt keeps you from dating and finding love (and fun!)

PSA: Moms are women. Women are sexual, mature adults who need companionship, sex, and romance. Maybe you simply are not ready to date yet, and that is ok.

But are you not dating because of guilt? Do you feel like you don’t deserve to be in love?

Do you feel weird to have a sex life with someone who is not your kids’ dad?

Do your friends and family lay on the guilt about taking time away from the kids to date? Or worse — do they pressure you to hurry up and get married again while you are still young — and create a “real” family again for the sake of the kids?

Maybe you are dating, or even have a partner — but hide this part of yourself from your kids, shrouding that whole, very important part of yourself in shame — which I promise you: your kids pick up on this whether you think they do or not.

Here is what you should do:

  1. Poke around an online dating site, like eHarmony. I’m also a fan of matchmaking services, especially for busy moms. 
  2. Get laid. Post-divorce sex is often mind-blowing. Trust me: good sex is not hard to find.
  3. Therapy can help. Learn about all the top online therapy sites, which can be more affordable and convenient than regular therapy.
  4. Hang out with the right people. Maybe spend time with the funny gay guys at the gym, or join my closed Facebook group Millionaire Single Moms, where single mothers chat openly, while also supporting moms struggling through guilt and shame.
  5. Make some new mom friends. Single motherhood takes a freaking village, and having a group of friends to support you and make you laugh can make the hard days a little less hard. We reviewed a bunch of friendship apps to help you make connections in your area.

Divorce guilt means you hold on to a house you can’t afford

I see moms holding on to properties they can’t afford in the name of:

  • Shielding their children from the stress of moving house (fact: research finds that financial stress / poverty is the #1 biggest risk factor in divorce)
  • Maintaining a lifestyle she believes she is entitled to / the couple sought while married (fact: you’re not married to him! You need a new dream now!)

My advice in 95% of these situations: Take that money and run!

If you can’t easily afford the house, you have no business being in it. You also owe it to yourself to move forward to a new, hopefully more fulfilling life. New scenery is in order. This article will help you decide whether to keep the house, or sell.

Divorce guilt means you hold on to keepsakes you don’t use

My general rule: If you are not using it, it does not bring you joy, or otherwise serves as a dark reminder of unhappy times — get rid of it. And no: Your kids do not want your engagement ring. It represents a failed marriage, and likely heartache for them. They don’t want that shit!

What do you do with this extra, guilt-free cash? Invest in making your life better!

  • Invest any proceeds in a new home — one that is efficient, easy to care for, frees you up to build and enjoy other parts of your life.
  • Invest in your retirement
  • Invest in a new career or side gig. Read: Top-paying careers for moms

Or pay off debt.

How to cope and get over divorce guilt

Here are ways to get over your divorce guilt: 

  1. Consider therapy with a company like BetterHelp.
  2. Focus on your own self-care.
  3. Hang out with people who get it, get you, and see happiness in you when you don’t have the courage to see it yourself. Again: Millionaire Single Moms on Facebook.
  4. Decide that tomorrow you will wake up, the guilt will be less than the day before, and that it may take a long time for it to be 100% gone. That’s cool.
  5. Find success stories about other thriving single moms. I have a bunch in my book, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin).
  6. Pay attention to how you identify yourself. You know those women who have been divorced for 30 years, and in the first 2 minutes of meeting someone new they unload that their husband left them for another woman / abused her / was living a double life / etc.? Don’t be that woman. She has one identity: A victim of divorce. You are not her. You are an adult with full control of who you are and your happiness. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise: YOUR HAPPINESS IS CRITICAL.

The best revenge is living your best life — and sometimes you need to take revenge on yourself.

What I mean is this: Today you feel all kinds of shame and guilt for wanting to leave your relationship. Fast-forward to next year and your life is incredible: You are in shape, feel great, dating a great guy (or dating a lot of guys), thriving in your career, your finances are shaping up and your kids are doing AMAZING.

She regrets it
byu/ferociouskuma inDivorce

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