Should wives stay thin for their husbands?

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He says:

She says:

They ask:

He says: “My wife got fat.”

A few months ago I heard from a reader who felt guilty because he wasn't attracted to his after she gained weight. 

“I used to think guys were assholes who cheated on their wives and blamed their weight as the reasons. Well, my was really fit and hot for the first 5 years of our relationship.

“But she wife pigged out like crazy when she was pregnant with our twins, and would tell everyone that she was ‘treating' herself. Well, now the kids are 5 years old, and she doesn't work, the kids are in kindergarten all day, she has tons of free time, and has made no effort to get back into shape. I go the gym or jog 4-5 days per week, and have offered to help her find a routine (with me taking care of the kids, etc.) so she can go to the gym, but she ignores me. I've taken over cooking so we all eat healthier, but she eats chips and ice cream all evening. 

“I am in good shape, and I see that women check me out. She is overweight by at least 30 lbs and does not otherwise care for her appearance. When we do have sex, it is hard for me to really be into it. I'll be honest: I feel like is unfair that she gets to have sex with someone who goes to the gym, and I don't.

“There is a woman at work who is my age, also has kids, and takes care of herself. She is not even my type, but I find myself so attracted to her, her body, and fantasizing about her all the time. I feel guilty, that this superficial thing makes me feel like such a bad dad and husband. 

“But at the end of the day, I feel like I give my wife the gift of my own health and attractiveness, and she does not return the favor.” 

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“My wife is gaining weight on purpose.”

A man emailed me recently: “My wife found out that I’d had an affair, and even though we are working through our marriage in therapy and I have broken off the relationship and am very committed to the relationship, I feel like my wife is intentionally packing on the pounds to punish me. It’s as if she is exploiting my guilt and excessive promises to never leave her by intentionally making herself unattractive to me — almost daring me to leave her.”

I think this guy’s read on his marriage is spot-on: His wife wants out of the marriage, but wants him to be the one to leave her for what many will consider a petty and selfish reason: Her weight gain.

She says: “I feel too fat for my husband.”

We all want to be with someone we are attracted to both in and out of bed, and who we are proud to be seen with. Weight, fashion and other variants vary by person. This is not wrong.

Can you talk to your husband about how you feel? Do you want to take extra care of your health and appearance? Get your free 14-day Noom trial now >>

How to feel sexy and confident when you feel old, gross and fat

Personal story about weight and marriage:

My husband was mostly fit, though he put on a few pounds after we married, which bothered him, and made him worry it bothered me. It didn't (though his self-consciousness did). I have always taken care of myself, though I could stand to lose a good 10-15 lbs. People often remark that I always look nice and wear makeup every day, even though I almost always work from home. During one marriage counseling session, in a plea for more appreciation, I mentioned that I freshened up my makeup before my husband came home. “Wow, that is really something—women hardly ever do that,” the therapist said (cue my gloating).

On the other hand, my current boyfriend has a really killer body. Seriously, I cannot get enough of his broad shoulders and muscular ass. We recently went to the theater and I spent the whole two hours clawing at his huge arms. His back is so rock-solid I sometimes wonder if I'm not sleeping with David, looted from Florence. His physique is not the main attraction, but it is an important one. As our relationship develops—and our bodies deteriorate as bodies are prone to do—I would hope that our intellectual and emotional rapport would deepen, and replace to a degree my focus on being ravished by his man-body. But, of course, if in years to come, the socks-on-the-floor and other minor and major grievances mushroom into serious relationship friction, I can imagine piling onto the list a flabby tummy or swinging triceps. In other words: If the relationship is solid, bodies matter less. But when things go south—drooping boobs and a sagging ass seem that much more egregious—especially if we're talking about something within the person's control, like weight gain.

But this all comes down to expectations from the very beginning. I can imagine my boyfriend's inevitable physical decline bugging me more than my ex-husband's because his is better to start with. His bod plays a larger role in our story, and—should things head that way—the expectations for the long-term. Marriage, after all, is an agreement and a business deal based on current expectations. You expect going forward what you sign up for today. It's not reasonable for a man to be be surprised his wife doesn't acquire a string-bikini-worthy body 20 years into their relationship if she was plump when they met.

How to decide whether to get divorced

“My husband says my weight is a problem.”

Listen to him. He wants you to be attractive — and healthy. If you are unhealthy, that affects the activities and lifestyle you two can enjoy together. It also shows that you care about not being a burden and dependent on him if your health fails.

Now, if you do live a healthy lifestyle, and maintain a healthy weight, the problem may be him and his ego. If he is mean about sharing this concern, he is otherwise unhappy in the relationship and/or an asshole. There are other issues in this relationship you need to address.

“My husband is not attracted to me because I gained weight.”

Often, the issue is not just the weight. It is that you stopped caring about your health and appearance. It may be that the emotional or intellectual connect is no longer there — or was never there in the first place. Weight and appearance are important — but usually part of a more complex picture of your relationship.

Signs of a toxic relationship

“My husband left me because I gained weight.”

Does your divorce story start and end with, “My husband left me because I got fat”?

Maybe a boyfriend broke up with you because you gained weight. 

Maybe he had an affair with a thinner woman, or started dating a smaller girlfriend shortly after you divorced. Maybe he told you: “I'm not attracted to you anymore because you are overweight, and I want a divorce.”

I imagine that hurts like hell. After all my own, related shame around my body in romantic relationships hurt really badly, even though it was not a full marriage at stake. 

But I am not going to let you off that easily. Two big points:

1. It takes two people to make a marriage work, and it takes two people to end it. If your weight were the single deal-breaker in keeping the marriage together (which it never is, keep reading), then why wouldn't you just lose the weight? 

2. It is never just about the weight. Fat people stay happily married all the time. So do couples in which one is fit and the other is not. Weight is like money in a marriage: It does not help or hurt a  marriage in and of itself. What the thing does is highlight other, deeper, more human parts of the people involved, and the inner workings of the relationship itself. 

As psychiatrist Gail Saltz told the Today Show:

“Your turned-off feelings likely have to do with a lot more than weight. I suspect there are other issues that are harder to pinpoint: You are angry at your wife, you feel awkward being honest with her, you have let your lives become dominated by workday things, you have trouble communicating.

“I’m not saying that having an overweight spouse has no impact on your sex life. Sure, your wife might be less attractive to you in the physical sense. And being overweight sends a negative message — that your wife doesn’t care enough about herself, the marriage or whether you have sex. Now, you fear saying anything and she feels you are pulling away, so you are wary around each other, setting off a vicious circle of avoidance and annoyance.”

What to do when your husband or wife says they're done

They ask:

“Why do wives get fat?”

The reasons wives get fat are the same reasons everyone else gets fat: 

  • Not prioritizing health
  • Too little time to exercise and/or cook healthy foods 
  • Childbirth and nursing tend to be connected with weight gain 
  • Emotional issues involving food, self-image and connection to our physical selves, which can stem from deep and old wounds 
  • She is pushing him away. Whether consciously or consciously, she may really be unhappy in the marriage, and knows that her weight is an easy way for him to blame her for the end of the relationships—and for her to label him a superficial jerk for not loving her no matter what. 
  • People are complicated and complex.
  • Marriages are complicated and complex. 

This Cornell University study found some interesting takeaways about marriage and weight gain:

  • Married people are heavier than single people
  • Obese women are happier than other women in their marriages. Researchers suspect this is because they appreciate that their value on the singles market is low, and therefore are contented with their marriages than thinner women. 
  • Obese men were less happy with their wives than other men, because, the paper proposes, their wives nag them about their weight, which causes marital conflict, and because men do not internalize societal fat-shaming as much as women.

“Will losing weight help my marriage?”

It might. Any effort to take care of and love yourself will improve your self-confidence, which improves relationships in your life — including your marriage. This new dynamic also may highlight other flaws in your relationship that have nothing to do with your weight. Get your free 14-day Noom trial now >>

Here’s what a friend of said:

A friend was telling me of her new diet and plans to lose 20 lbs. “I told Jack (her husband of 10 years), ‘I'm so sorry I got fat since we married!'” From everything I can tell, their relationship is thriving, but my friend has a deep-rooted sense that she has an obligation to make efforts in her appearance and weight.

This is no 50s housewife. This is a progressive, fabulous professional woman who enjoyed an adventurous love life for years before marrying a wonderful (also progressive and fabulous) man. I admit I was a bit taken aback by her commitment to maintaining her figure for her husband. The partyline progressive and feminist (is that redundant?) stance is that it doesn't matter what you look like! He should love you/be committed no matter what! Conforming appearances for your partner's sexual desire is degrading! It's what's inside that matters.

Like many progressive and feminist issues, this one does not take into account the very human nature of dudes and chicks. There is no arguing with the fact that men are more visually inclined. Sure, there have been a couple of recent studies that challenge this stereotype, but suffice it to say that an MSNBC poll a few years ago revealed that half of men would dump his female partner if she got fat (just 20 percent of women said the same of their husbands and boyfriends). According to my own scientific research (dating a bunch of divorced guys), I can tell you that if his wife got fat, it bugged him. Even the really progressive and feminist guys. And, I might add, especially the professionally successful ones.

“Should we try relationship/marriage counseling when a husband or wife gets fat?”

A skilled couples therapist—whether you are married or not—can be instrumental in helping your communicate your needs and stresses in the relationship. A good relationship counselor will also help you and your husband or wife uncover the deeper reasons that you are not connecting any more—and help you realign once again.

Couples counseling can be very challenging for reasons that include practical ones:

  • It is hard to schedule a time that works for both of you—including location and driving to and from the session
  • Cost, since insurance rarely pays for therapy any more 
  • Finding a couples counselor that you both like, which is especially hard in smaller communities that have fewer mental health professionals 

Online therapy platforms are a great option. BetterHelp has an A+ Better Business Bureau rating, and allows you to choose from thousands of certified and licensed therapists. With prices starting at $65 per week for unlimited messaging and weekly live sessions, BetterHelp is extremely convenient and efficient. Financial assistance is available. Check out BetterHelp now >>

Or, research reviews of the top online therapy sites to find the help you need, now.

“Is weight gain a reason for divorce?”

Weight gain is really never the reason for divorce. The weight symbolizes a lack of effort to maintain the relationship, lack of sexual connection, failure to prioritize health or simply a growing apart.

Plus, people have divorced for far, far less.

15 signs your husband or wife wants a divorce

“What do you do if your spouse or significant other gains weight and you want to leave him/her?”

First of all, just be honest with your partner. Maybe you sit down and tell them:

“I really love you, and I want desperately to make this relationship to work. For me, that includes each of us taking care of our health and physical appearance. That includes weight.”

If things have gotten this far without this level of honesty (which is likely a sign of your kindness!), then bring in a professional. 

If your marriage or relationship is really headed for divorce, be smart and start planning. Here is what every mom should ask for in divorce negotiations.

This post was originally published Nov. 9, 2014. 

Will losing weight help my marriage?

It might. Any effort to take care of and love yourself will improve your self-confidence, which improves relationships in your life, including your marriage. This new dynamic also may highlight other flaws in your relationship that have nothing to do with your weight.

Is weight gain a reason for divorce?

Weight gain is really never the reason for divorce. The weight symbolizes a lack of effort to maintain the relationship, lack of sexual connection, failure to prioritize health or simply a growing apart.

Why do wives get fat?

The reasons wives get fat are the same reasons everyone else gets fat: not prioritizing health, too little time to exercise, and many more.

Wealthysinglemommy.com founder Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, activist, author and expert. A former Associated Press reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has appeared on CNBC, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, NPR, TIME, The Doctors, Elle, O, The Oprah Magazine. Winner of Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web” and a New York Observer “Most Eligible New Yorker," her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was a New York Post Must Read. As an expert on divorce and gender, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality and multiple state legislature hearings. More about Emma's credentials.

99 Comments

Women have a lot of nerve. They will divorce their husbands for not living up to a tv personality. Or for not being a work horse to support her shopping addiction.

This is my exact problem, except my husband is fat. He was always chubby in college when we were dating which I didn’t like, but it was only 20-40 lbs over weight. I told him throughout the 5 years we dated that I thought he needed to lose weight, to which he’d agree and then say it’d be so much easier to lose weight once we got married and were living together so I could cook for him. I’m a dietician and Pilates instructor. When he proposed, he was 300 lbs at 6’0”. I told him I wouldn’t marry him unless he was 200 lbs or less. In a year, he lost the weight and swore it’d be easy for him to maintain once we were married. I really should’ve known that was a lie looking back now, but love really is blind. I took it to mean he was serious about me and serious about our future together and making a life together, so we got married at 25 years old. Within the first year of marriage, he gained 110 lbs. By our 5th wedding anniversary and 2 kids later, he was up to 350 lbs. Our sex life has never been stellar. When we were dating, I attributed it and my anorgasmia to my strict religious upbringing. But now that we’ve been married 10 years and together/sexually active for 15 years (& now that I’ve experienced my first orgasm several years ago), I know why our sex life has always sucked for me: I’m not physically/sexually attracted to my fat husband. He puts no effort into himself or trying to make himself look good or trying to impress me. He’s stuck between stage 2 and stage 3 of the Stage Of Change in regards to him losing weight: he’s all talk and no long-term action. If we didn’t have 3 kids together, I’d have left him years ago. I’ve told him this. I’m been very blunt with him. He simply doesn’t give a f and that hurts so much. What really hurts is known that I’ll never have a hot passionate sex and romantic life with someone who cares about me as much as I care about them.

I guess I have a different problem. My wife is fat, but I have never once claimed she was unattractive due to being overweight. So the problem is her low self esteem and inability to convince herself she is not disgusting to me. And in addition, that I have no right to desire her physically…and if I do, I’m a perv. She needs help emotionally, not physically. I need her physically, as the marriage is deteriorating. HELP!

As the fat insecure girlfriend who has birthed 4 awesome kids. When I’m insecure it’s not my image of myself. Its the way I think others view me. BEACUSE SOCIETY HAS TAUGHT ME I NEED TO BE ROCH THIN GOOD LOOKING FILTRTED 24 7 THESE MEN OUT HERE ARE GETTING BONERS OFF A FILTERED ANIMAL FACES AHAHAHAHAHAH My spouse is handsome talented the boss at work and kind ….sometimes overly kind to the ladies at work that’s when I get insecure. OR if hes said something about my appearances to get at me in a fight recently. Insecurities usually come from situations. NOT appearances. Stop doing shady stuff and be more loving Genuinely not over kill….IM SOMETIMES MORE INSECURE WITH HIM THAN I AM ALONE. When I’m alone I get attention I see men checking me out
I’m still hot.
It’s like an x bf once told me. Girls dont get dolled up for their man they get dolled up for other girls aka competition lol. I’ll never forget that

One thing that has never been brought up in this blogpost is that people may face certain diseases and hormonal problems that also have weight gain as a side effect. That is the case of my wife, who have been trying to lose weight for the last 6 years now and it breaks my heart to see her eating healthy, exercising and trying so hard to no avail.

With that said, it upsets me how most comments here are based off remorse, hate and polarized binary opinions. Both “love her no matter what or else you’re superficial” and “fat = divorce” are highly dysfunctional and problematic ways to think of it and if you disagree I highly suggest you go to therapy for your and your marriage’s own good. Therapy is for everyone and it makes miracles, believe me.

Now to speak of the elephant in the room, if you’ve read all the way down here you probably noticed how different men and women approach the problem. Of course people are always different in their personalities, but biologically, different genders have different ways to feel sexually attracted and satisfied. While men tend to be more visual (teased by looks), women tend to be more physical (teased by touch), which sets the stage for uttered disaster when both try to get their point across. Your boyfriend not touching you the way he used to might upset you similarly to you not being as visual appealing as when you and your boyfriend met might upset him.

This brings me to the point of why my search engine brought me here when trying to find a solution to my situation. I know visual appearance is not the only thing that makes a marriage, but it plays a big part on sex, that in turn makes a big part of a couple chemistry and therefore affects marriage. My wife and I are working out our issues, mostly originated from our lives previous to meeting each other and how they affect our relationship (google schemas therapy). It might be because I was bullied for being too fat at school, because society imposes a high fit standard or something else I’m not aware of, but I was never attracted to fat women. I’m sure there’s a lot of guys who like it, specially in some cultures, but that’s just not me. Same for other traits like curly hair, it’s only my personal preference. The situation is my wife have both polycystic ovary syndrome and hyperinsulinism and both makes people prone to gain weight. I never knew that, but she was on a ridiculous diet and sports lifestyle before we met and that was the only way she managed to stay somewhat fit back in the days. She had an amazing body, but I fell in love with her even before knowing when we used to chat online. Unfortunately over the course of years she has gained about 60lbs and it has affected my sexual desire towards her. We still have sex now and then, but definitely not as much as before and not as fulfilling as before. She got so upset when I brought that up that I never touched the subject ever again. I feel terrible for us not being able to have the same sex as before because of a standard of mine, but I cannot change what I like.

Bottom line, thanks for the article. It missed the other biological aspects of why people gain weight, but it was great. I was already getting back to exercising more and eating healthier, but it inspired me even more to keep going and invite my wife into this new life if she wants to. I feel ready to put up the effort with her. Hopefully that’ll bring us back the joy of great intimacy.

Sorry about the long text. Have a great holiday!

This is one of the best articles I’ve read on the subject. As a man, there is an important but rarely mentioned reason why men can feel badly when their wives don’t care about their appearance. We can interpret this attitude as our wife’s dissinterest in being attractive to us and in how we feel – even if were not bothered by the weight gain in itself. People can spew the politically correct stuff about appearance and major weight gain being irrelevant all they want, but 2 points – obesity is bad for you, and a spouse of either gender should care for that reason; and the reasons why a man may be upset with his wife’s indifference to her appearance are often deeper than the simple aesthetic of fat vs thin.

The article is not the whole story… consider physical injury, work schedules, hormonal changes, etc.
For some people no matter what they do with food and exercise they will not look thin and fit.
For some people they had a physical injury or illness that makes it difficult to exercise they way they would like (arthritis, car accident, cancer, surgery, etc.)
For some people weight gain happens due to hormonal changes and age.
For some people it is a handful of many things not so easy and “black or white” that they may have gained some pounds.
Please do not assume all one needs to do is exercise and eat better will make some one shed some pounds. It also is not okay to say a women doesn’t care about their appearance if they gain some weight. I know plenty of over weight women who have confidence and work hard to take care of their appearance with their clothes, make-up, nails, etc. If a spouse is upset or looses interest with the other spouse for weight gain than the relationship has other issues that need to be addressed.

This is such trash, putting an onus on wives to stay thin (or husbands, which was obviously written as a CYA). Simply put, if you’re not attracted to your spouse because they gained weight, you’re a superficial, shallow person. Bodies fluctuate over time. They get old. Lifestyles change. As long as he person is at the core who they were before, that’s what love is about. Love is not about whether or not you’re thin. I’m super disappointed to read this, but I think it just speaks to how bad the conditioning of women to think they have to stay thin has gotten – we’re even writing blog posts about it now. We’re better than this, ladies.

This is exactly what is wrong with the world: letting your worth be dictated by how you look. I’m horrified to read how women are thought of in this article. You should attack the companies that made food so addictive, that for many people it has become the go to way to relieve stress and emotional pain. It is a lot more complex than simply “letting yourself go”. The guy who trashes his wife for gaining weight after carrying twins for him, is a superficial a*hole. You can’t lose your ego jogging. I hope your wife has people in her life that appreciate her for who she is and what makes her beautiful! For all the women out there: you’re not here to look good for others. In stead of wasting time beating yourself into the shape you think is acceptable to the outside world, try focusing on self-love and acceptance in stead. The healthy weight will follow if you care Aboutaleb yourself enough. It all starts with love.

People don’t have control over what is physically attractive to them. If obese women happen to turn the husband off, and the wife doesn’t address the issue, the marriage will suffer. The guy has no control over that. No attraction = no sex = unfulfilled needs (for both) = divorce, or miserable marriage. Nothing wrong with communicating the issue with your spouse. The fat lady can still chose her ice cream.

I simply couldn’t have sex with an obese women. I have a friend who is a lesbian, she wouldn’t have sex with a man because she’s not attracted to men.

I’m married, she became obese right after the wedding, we stopped having sex, about two years after we were married because she gained so much weight, I just couldn’t. She doesn’t seem to care.

While she seems content to be celibate (21 years now!!! ) I’m miserable, been miserable for decades now.
I wanted a family, can’t have children without sex. I don’t believe in divorce and I love my wife, I just feel like she simply doesn’t care about me as much as she cares about eating constantly and not exercising at all.

I feel like I’ve been robbed of my life by her and I’m becoming resentful, I don’t want to hate my wife, but every time I see her eat junk , it’s like she’s hurting me deliberately.

I work 59+ hours a week, exercise everyday and try to eat well, I tried to get her to join me , but she’s just lazy and wouldn’t eat a vegetable to save my life. She works part time as a receptionist, I do most of the housework including cooking, often I’ll make something health and she will pick at it, then order door dash McDonald’s after I go to bed.

It’s made me miserable and depressed to the point where I’m suicidal. Why does she love potato chips more than her husband?

I think it’s crazy women on here complaining about how “superficial” men are and complain that guys go after fit women’ but at the same time women go after rich guys! How can they point their fingers at men saying their superficial when the ball swings both ways!

I gauruntee you can get a guy who is in shape and works hard but you wouldn’t look twice at him if you saw what he made vs another guy who was loaded with money.

It’s so hypocritical and insane. How about instead of complaining we all try to humble ourselves and stop judging?

I am about 50 lbs overweight. I have tried everything, keto, vlcd, lipo, b12 injections, etc. I barely eat 500 calories a day, I do cardio 5 days a week, weights 3 days a week, drink 100 oz of water daily but I can’t get the weight off and my husband is not sexually attracted to me. It’s ruining our marriage and I don’t know what to do.

That can’t be right – according to the established science, under 1200 calories you are being malnourished, with effects like the women’s reproductive system temporarily shutting down. In any case, most diets cause the body to think it’s being starved, and it lowers the metabolism to try to cope. That doesn’t happen with intermittent fasting. It’s what Adelle did. Although I believe keto should work also, so perhaps you weren’t committed enough.

Intuitive eating. Listen to your bodys natural hunger cues and how good it feels to eat healthy, and dont binge until your stomach hurts or restrict yourself until youre sick.
Also dump his shallow ass

The first step is to stop lying to yourself. You are not eating “barely” 500 calories a day. Seriously. You can lie to yourself as much as you want but your body shows the truth. You are eating and drinking more than your body needs. Check out the loseit forum on reddit. Buy a food scale, track your calories on a free app (try the loseit app).

Hi, I sympathize with your struggle. From what I’ve seen, you might consider upping your calorie intake to a minimum of 1,200 daily. If our bodies don’t get enough calories, they go into starvation mode, and your metabolism can drop as your body tries to store everything because it thinks it’s in a famine of sorts. The 500 calories a day could be a part of what is keeping you from losing weight. For your health, please eat at least 1,200 calories a day.

Okay, so here is the deal, and most won’t find this surprising but to the ones who do, read up. First about me, I make a 6 figure salary, but even before that had more than a few women chasing me so I know I am not the worst looking guy. Feminism has lied you you. I need to tell you I love woman power, and have a daughter that is 18 now, and I love that women can do what they want in life for the most part. The problem comes when you start taking an unhealthy lifestyle without consideration for the person you are with. Another guy gave an example of a guy mildly letting himself go, but we can take a more extreme case where there is a guy hooked on drugs…. would you stick around…. nope, and if you would I would question you sanity. So here is my point to the women out there looking to land or keep a good successful guy, guys are simple, we don’t need a supermodel, but we want someone who takes care of themselves, loves themselves, and then loves us. We don’t need a woman with money (I am very well off now and truthfully I really don’t care about money, never did, but it is a byproduct of working as hard as I do) As long as we have a bed to sleep in and a person who cares the world is good.

I’ve ended ALL my serious relationships (5) and about to file for a divorce, all because of excessive weight gain. I make health and fitness a priority, and women admit they find me physically attractive because of it. Im 6 feet tall and 165 at 12% body fat. Yet they all gain weight once they get comfortable in the relationship. It really pisses me off because I have to keep breaking up with people over this issue. I don’t even have high standards. I can still be attracted to an extra 30 lbs if it’s carried well. But women just like to blow up on me, and none of them has kids. Just laziness and terrible eating habits. My first wife pigged out on cheese fries and coke and went from 145 to 285 lbs in three years. My current wife went from 130 to 225 lbs in two years because she constantly stuffs her face with doughnuts and 2000 calorie milkshakes. That’s just unacceptable. It’s so aggravating to watch them take pride in being seen with me but then not try to look respectable themselves. All the relationships die out the same way too. The sex becomes nonexistent at some point and they know it’s the weight gain. But instead of losing weight, they’ll start trying to sabotage me, like making me cookies and putting ice cream in refrigerator and buying me chocolate — all my vices. It feels great to be a healthy weight. And it looks attractive. Just being honest here when I say that there are fat people everywhere the days and it’s really disgusting.

Since the type of sickness that makes women gain that kinda weight that quickly is obviously releasing serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine, aren’t these gargantuan women like drug addicts

The frustration and resentment I am reading in all these comments, seem to me like crys for help.

I read a man or women writing about how their partner let them selves go and how this is affecting their relationship, and how what they would like their partner to do to fix it.

Here are my thoughts and beliefs on this matter.

– Obesity, gaining a few pounds and or just basically giving up on feeling and looking your best (Whatever that best is for you) is tragic and sad.

– Not taking responsibility for how we look and feel by blaming weight gain on outside forces and circumstances, is just a method of justification.

– People need to take responsibility for their actions. PERIOD!

– There are consequences to everything we do and don’t do.

Example: A couple meets and gets married with certian expectations. The wife expects the husband to work and strive for a better life for her and their kids, assuming they are blessed to have them. The wife selected her mate because of his strong desire to be that best he could be at his chosen career and his desire to always take care to look and feel his best.

Fast forward 10 years into the marriage the husband has slowly lost interest in taking care of himself and his career. He is now been unemployed on and off for about 1 yr. He doesn’t do anything to work out or eat right and he spends most of his time watching sports and drinking beer. This change has affected the whole family and he doesn’t seem to want to change.

His wife has pleaded with him to seek counseling and or maybe a career change. His wife is pushing him to improve his circumstances and by doing so, helping the whole family do better. This husband is physically and mentally able and capable to make these changes but simply has lost any interest in doing so.

How long does anyone think this marriage will last. Maybe a long time if the wife has the same attitudes. But if not, then she is going to leave him.

So, why is it that when men ask their wives to take care of themselves, it all of a sudden is an offensive.

Enough with trying to normalize unhealthy habits, unhealthy bodies and unhealthy thinking. Fat is not good and it should be looked at as acceptable. Our own bodies tell us it is not normal when it try’s to kill us for being so lazy and uncaring with it.

Final thought:

If you are making the conscious decision to be fat then you are also making the conscious decision to accept the consequences to you, your marriage and any other side effects. Stop blaming everything and everyone else other than the person in the mirror.

Into 30 years of marriage, my wife, one of the hottest in her early 20’s, blew up during child bearing but typically got back down after each, has nearly DOUBLED her wedding weight the last 10 years. That’s 40Kg+. I have stayed constant, and in the last two years even lost 5Kg and put on muscle mass. Like others here, She gets a fit man that she could never hope to attract, while I get a whale that I would never give the time of day to. I understand that people change, but this beyond reasonable. I could take 5-7Kg’s and be perfectly happy, but she cannot even get on top any more, forget doing outdoor activities together, its only a matter of time before some serious health issue or a knee breaks down, then she is couch ridden. My athleticism at 7 years older will continue, and it is only a matter of time before I meet someone who takes care of themselves……Why do women let themselves go so bad, why don’t they realize they are hurting their family, their health and futures? I have tried getting books, we fasted together and she seemed to like it, and has not wanted to do it any more. Seems like I am at a dead end, get to watch my significant other die a painful, couch ridden early death. Telling the Truth, if I find someone else I will not feel bad cheating on her, financially if the other women is well off, I would probably leave her because our kids are well off and I don’t see a pleasant future. Funny thing, I would bet she would fast her way back to reasonable if I leave and it would probably be for the best, to make her healthy again. Any thoughts?

My wife and I haven’t been eating out since the pandemic started. She is still packing on weight like crazy. I love her and it saddens me greatly. It affects our sex life, when we go hiking, or any physical activity. I was a personal trainer for 7 years and I still take care of myself. Mostly for myself, but I do like being in shape and the attention I get as well. No lies there. We work out together, but it’s not enough. I buy salad, she buys cheese. I have one serving she eats 3. She hides food in the house and I fast. It’s a problem. It affects our sex life and makes me sad. I do believe it is unhealthy and obesity is the root cause to most health problems in the US. So what do I do. If I say something she plays the how dare you card, if I don’t then I’m sitting back watching my wife gorge her self. I’m so fucked. I always wonder if it’s something I’m doing. What can I do? I’m either an asshole for saying ” I love you, but I don’t support this and I want it to change. You’re gaining too much weight and it’s a problem.” , or I just sit back and watch her blow up to the point of no return and secretly resent her for not being able to control herself in hopes she reals it back in some day. For most people that day will never happen. I love her more than anything, and have thought about the idea of a sexless marriage. It can be done. The sound of her laugh is changing as she puts on weight. Her voice is changing. I have to pretend I’m not staring at her stomach. I have to pretend like it doesn’t bother me she’s having and extra serving. It’s a bull shit standard. How long do you wait before enough is enough. Because if I wait to long then I’m just kicking her when she’s down. At some point it’s going to be too much. I’m not perfect by far and am not claiming that. I think for me being overweight is a health problem period. It’s one most people have control over as well. I don’t think any should ever be shamed and she be loved for who they are. At the same time it is a health issue that needs to be addressed. I found out later that she was making herself vomit before we got together. So she’s never had healthy habits, and she did what it took to loop me in. Bait and switch in a way I guess. Or just person with some other issues they need to address before they’ll ever be able to control themselves.

I love my wife with everything that I am. We’ve been married and best friends for over 30 years. 5 years ago she had a hysterectomy and it’s been tough on her physically and emotionally. She’s gained maybe 45lbs in the past 4 years. She was always health conscious and was a Jazzercise instructor for many years. I will never break her heart, abandon her or betray her. We love to travel, camp, and do many things together. The problem is, I’ve never had an attraction to heavier women. I’ve tried having sex multiple times but I can’t maintain my enthusiasm if you catch my drift. There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m fully capable. I blame it on myself and tell her maybe I need to see my doctor. I guess I’m a coward in that sense, it would break her heart if she knew the truth. It’s the only secret that I keep from her and it sucks! I can hold her hand, cuddle, and kiss on her all day long, but when it comes to sexual desire, I don’t have any. I’ve read other people say that if I truly love her then it shouldn’t matter. That’s a bunch of crap. I love a lot of things in life, wholeheartedly, I don’t want to have sex with them. We used to have fantastic sex, now it’s a huge empty place in our relationship. I don’t know what to do or how to bring it up. It sucks

I can’t believe how harsh some of the comments and excerpts are from this article and I can’t believe I read though it as far as I did.. Man, once I hit my goal weight I’m not giving ANY men the time of day- I don’t think I’ll ever want to date men ever again. Human beings are genuinely fucking awful but damn especially most men. I’m sorry not all women stay in your perfect weight range. Some of us fluctuate. Not all of us can be ideal our whole lives. Sometimes we put on weight because of stress or trauma. I’m not saying that’s an excuse to not take care of yourself I’m just telling y’all that’s what happens. You should all get a life and maybe look a little deeper at your partners because this is honestly just sad. Yes, encourage your partner to want to take better care of themselves- but Jesus dude- this is WRONG.

Yeah. Some of you sound so bitter and unhappy. My boyfriend and I have both gained some weight since being together, however only a small amount. We’ve both gained around 10 pounds, but I’ve been losing weight as of late. I don’t even feel that I need to because I’m still in the healthy range for me weight, but I’m doing it for myself. I’m sharing this information because he’s actually told me “please don’t get too skinny!” He tried to get me to gain some weight when we first got together, so I suppose I’m actually at an ideal weight for him at this point. I won’t lie, I rather like his little belly he’s developed. I guess I’m sharing this to say find someone like that! Someone that you can gain or lose weight with, someone that doesn’t put so much focus on something so trivial. I understand being obese isn’t trivial, but wow it seems a lot of people are commenting about relatively minor weight gain, which is so superficial! Most people don’t even notice weight gain until it’s 15% of your body mass anyway.. I love that my man accepts me, and I’m sure he appreciates the same from me. I’d never be so shallow as to leave someone because of their weight (unless it was very severe) because he is the same person! He looks the same! The only difference is a little pouch on his belly that makes cuddling so nice! I don’t know.. I guess you know you’ve found the one when you can both no longer be perfect, but still feel that you are in each other’s eyes.

No offense, but men like your husband are typically phyiscally unnatractive men and men with LOW to NO options on the dating market. He is just happy to finally have a woman. Most women don’t want to date bottom of the barrell. They want men with more looks, height, career, businesses, money, status, etc. and these men have MORE OPTIONS and are more AMBITIOUS and have more EXPECTATIONS of themselves and OTHERS they choose to surround themselves with. Those expectations include not LETTING YOURSELF GO. If they wanted a fat spouse they would have dated a fat spouse to begin with. — Basically what you are telling women is to find a man that has LESS OPTIONS and has less going on for himself which is tied to having less expectations for himself and thus his spouse. Women aren’t shooting for snagging losers just so they have zero standards to live up to in a relationship. If women wanted to get as fat as possible they would get a fat man, but they didn’t because like the men they had “higher standards” but then want to have their cake and eat it to.

Women can justify however they like, but we have an overall obesity problem in the USA. When I personally look at all the overweight women it saddens me, so much sugar and carbs being consumed make for a quickly unhealth, and unattractive physical appearance that doesn’t need to be.

Most men will put up with a bit of chubbiness for a short time, but in the long run thinner, leaner, and healthier women are much more attractive to be with.

Men also consider, if they are smart the long game of a fat woman, she’s most likely going to have many more health issues than a women that is lean. Extra fat strangles all of our organs from the inside, not to mention carries tons of toxic waste as well.

In conclusion, women can choose to be as fat as they like, just as long as they are their own breadwinners, because fat is ugly no matter how many women come together, or MSM tries to justify that it’s ok to be fat. I would want someone to tell me the truth, but it seems so many women these days want to be lied to, and actually believe the BS they are being told; this is also very unhealthy mentally.

Regards,

Rob

This is horrible advice. Yes, it takes 2 people. If your husband is telling you that your weight is making him not want to have sex with you than I feel like you should do something about it. I’m sick of women using the excuse of having a baby for being fat. My sister gained 110lbs. She ate like an athlete but didn’t play sports anymore. She physically looked like a different person so much so when I walked in her hospital room I said I had the wrong room. Women are not being real. Looks are important bc that’s what attracted you in the first place. Funny how I hear women speak of that in the beginning but then expect a man to want to have sex with her when she looks totally different. My male best friend said this best- we are going to look saggy, bald, wrinkly and old for a better part of our life so while we have the chance – 50 and under, I want someone who cares about her skin & body.
The weight gain isn’t just about looks either and as a woman, I’ve seen it first hand with my sister and best friend. It completely changes who they were. Both no longer wanted to go to the beach, their eating habits were atrocious and made them tired. Bc of their habits, they no longer were active and they became super insecure. Their insecurity became longer times to get ready, the dread of going out and worse: jealousy. My maw friends all seems to kick up their health routines at 35.
Love is not unconditional. It’s very much conditional and any woman or therapist that says otherwise is delusional. We choose mates based on our wants so there’s conditions. I married a man who was active, who eats healthy, who loves to go outside and play with me. If he gets fat & refuses to do something about it, the list of things I sought for in a man no longer exists. My hubs biggest strengths is that he challenges hisself which turns me on. So if he were to become fat and lazy, that part of him is non-existent.
Women, stop using unconditional love and popping out a kid- which by the way, 90% of women can do and there’s not much required, as an excuse to let yourself go. Yes, he will start watching more porn, look at other women, and secretly resent you for forcing the idea of unconditional love.

Some men have fixated ideas of how women should look like. They won’t settle or appreciate the person as a person, values and character.
Fair enough “over weight”what’s your defining of overweight?? 1kg, 10kg or 20kgs?
Weight can be circumstantial during and post pregnancy.
Furthermore, do men realise that they also get fat and ugly over time. Stinky farts, smelly feet, and untidy? Seriously….? Do they feel entitled to have their very own Miranda Kerr or KK?
Jokes…. man don’t go through hormonal roller coasters each month, bloating, society and social media standards and measurements.
Constantly being criticised and implicitly told that you should look like this or like that. Being objectified and dehumanised.
Isn’t that the resurrection of a modern patriarchal society?
Every woman like to be beautiful and to feel beautiful. Is natural female behaviour to dress up to show off to other women. Not man!
On the other hand men exercise to feed their egos and to compete with other males. The alpha male behaviour.
Man feel less man if they don’t have big muscles or chest. Have you ever seen them working out at the gym?? Indulging with their own image in the mirror?
Real love, unconditional love should not be measured in kgs. Next thing you know the partner gets sick and they will also walk away.
When couples have real deep soul connection, it transcends and love grows stronger over time no matter what.

So basically women should continue to prefer tall, handsome, financially successfull men to protect and provide, and those women should be held to no standard and provide nothing in return but their “presence.” Alright lets give the men the same advice, quit your jobs men and play video games, stop fulfilling your gender role, your wife should love you unconditionally, if she leaves she never “really loved you.”

Most women today have little motivation to keep in good shape, compared with women in the past. Sure, they’d like to hook up with a more attractive or successful man, but they can do with less attractive, or without one whatsoever – because they are independent, and self-sufficient, and mainly need men for sex, if that. Or the way some women say it – a woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle. Look at the black community in America – 80% of adult females, are overweight, or obese, and it’s getting worse. And they still get sex, if they want it! The educational, and professional disparity between black females, and males is huge, with the women earning far more than the men, with numerous consequences, like the fact, that they have little respect for their counterparts on the sexual marketplace (because in most cases a 250 pound woman with PhD can’t love, and respect a blue-collar worker). And 3 out of 4 black women would never be married in their life. It’s a societal issue, and it’s gonna get worse, before it gets better.

Women who say plenty of men like fat women are delusional. The problem is the majority of women are fat and getting fatter. So men are having to settle for fat women and many have just outright given up women. I actually went through a phase where I would go to online dating sites when I needed to get laid and I would zero in on the chubby girls because they were easy and I could handle a couple of hours of sex but no way in hell could I commit to that. Gross. And I learned from listening to them that literally ALL the men they were dating were doing the same thing — find a chubby and one-night stand them. And these women actually thought their chubbiness was attractive and was the reason they were getting laid so often. They were too stupid to realize they were being used because the men had little respect for them and saw them as easy targets. So eventually I stopped this and now find fat women even more revolting than before. Being with so many chubby and fat women almost made men think women in general were disgusting. Remembering that experience honestly is like a nightmare. I’m much happier now just jerking off and falling asleep at night. Occasionally I’ll find a real woman who is attractive and takes care of herself and has a career and hobbies. But usually one of us lives too far away or will be moving soon for job reasons. I’m content with being single forever now and feel no need to settle for a fat pig with a vagina. Being single is actually very liberating and women are extremely overrated. I suppose women eventually feel the same about men when they reach a certain age. I think when we’re young we are too beholden to our sex drives and fear of being alone due to our cultural upbringing. But eventually many of us realize it was all nonsense that drive many of us into terrible life decisions like settling for partners who are fat, irresponsible, unintelligent, rude, and not ambitious, even having children with them.

I now find my husband repulsive. He started to lose weight two years ago only to find out he was trying to impress a married woman two years younger than me who was married. She talked him into buying around $4000 worth of crap for her. I am overweight, but he has got me beat by leaps and bounds, but I never brought it up. Maybe I should. We worked through our problem and the other little piglet is looking for other money targets now. He loses breath during sex and no matter what I try he eventually goes soft or sounds like he is having a heart attack. So I stop. I tried several attempts to get him to go to the gym with me as a couple. We both have memberships, and his membership is going to waste. He snorts food down and barely chews. He said it is from his military days that he learned to eat that fast..yes..and ..no..he was honorably discharged and only served for three years in the navy and it was 33 years ago. I am eleven years younger than him..leaving him at age 53. Should I speak up?

I agree, the same women who ruined marriage with terrible divorce laws, have approved themselves of bad unhealthy habits, gotten fat and lazy and the men be damned. They don’t care about anyone but themselves, and now they are braying about how men won’t marry them any more. My own son, I have to tell him that it is downright dangerous marrying today with the women sided courts that take EVERYTHING from the men, their family, their wealth, their home, their kids and future income…and the numbers are truly not equal for men, >50% divorce, ~70% started by the woman, if professional ~90% initiated by the woman. So if you’re a man, why invite the law into you relationship that can destroy you on a whim! Much easier to be unmarried and trading them in when they get fat, angry or old for the younger ones. At least go into your 40’s with this approach in mind its a win win for the man, the women have screwed themselves, and they are now destined to be cat raising old maids. How is that feminism thing working for ya? My $250K/year. >6’1″ son is out of your reach and you can all go and pound sand. He has his pick, then will discard them if they say one wrong thing, what about marriage, you should do this, we should spend your money on trips, nice cars, bullshit…..now the answer is “pack your bags and hit the road”. Oh and because living together might be construed as marriage, he kicks them out during work nights….LOL!
Want to change it back to a fair system, no alimony, share the kids 50%, eliminate divorce court….(look to Scandinavia laws) otherwise no future and women get the responsibility for destroying the culture!

The couple should stay fit together is what I say. I would be considered a progressive feminist middle aged man, physically fit, in a long term marriage, and my wife’s weight has been a real big issue for me.

There is a lot that is really good in our marriage, we have wonderful twin teenage daughters, and we have the same values as far as parenting. My wife is very supportive of a lot of my goals in life. Still, her weight gain and lack of exercise has made me a lot less happy than I otherwise would be for a couple reasons.

Assuming it’s mutual, the ultimate way to express strong attraction to someone is to have sex with them. This is an important role sex plays in our lives. When my wife was much thinner, right after our daughters were born, I was intensely attracted to her, and it made sex that much more wonderful. I miss that very much. The rush of seeing a beautiful naked woman, also feeling the same strong attraction for you, eager to get it on.

Then there’s the issue of us being active together as we age. There’s travel adventures we’ve talked about, some involve significant physical activity. I worry about whether we’ll be as able to do them.

Having said all that, I don’t know how some of these men get away with being heavy and having fit, beautiful wives. Seems like the ultimate unfair, patriarchal arrangement. My wife and daughters keep telling me men can somehow be interesting/attractive in this culture by having certain personalities, achievements, and even facial expressions. I understand that to a point, certainly a woman who has an uninteresting persona is less attractive than she otherwise might be and vice-versa, but I still have trouble accepting men being overweight/unfit in relationships with fit, thin women. Of the many behaviors of President Trump I find appalling is the way he gets to criticize women’s bodies and be nearly obese, and it hardly receives any comment !!!!????!!!

That’s because you are a beta male and masculine men upset you. Like you said in your own words, you are a feminine male feminist. Most women do not want any part of a male feminist. Being married with kids is most likely the only reason why she hasn’t left you.

Maybe because they spend hours upon hours at a job/business they hate to bankroll the fit womans lifestyle which many would say allows them to have an expectation to get SOMETHING in return like an attractive spouse? Many would say the providing financially is a lot more work than just going to the gym 3-4 times a week for an hour, and not pigging out everyday. Guys like Trump spend 40-70 hours a week of doing something unpleasant (going to a job to provide for a woman) vs. the expectation of fit wives who need to spend 3-4 hours a week doing something unpleasant (exercising). I think the woman is the woman getting the good deal.

sometimes it’s simple: she’s lazy, eats too much, and hopes that he doesn’t have the balls to say anything about it.

yes virginia, the empress is buck naked…

Should wives stay thin for their husbands? In one word? No. They should stay thin for themselves if that’s what they want. Also, PLENTY of men want more to love, and it’s not some fringe fetish only a handful of people have. It’s a legit preference. So, if you’re trying to stay thin for your husband and he doesn’t even like thin women, why bother? Wouldn’t you rather just enjoy yourself?

Why would you think that “enjoying yourself” meaning eating like a pig? My girlfriend and I enjoy ourselves just fine in the gym, hiking, mountain climbing and swimming.

If she got fat, she knows I would leave in a heartbeat. I got with her because she was energetic, fit and super hot. If she completely changed that about herself, she would be a different person to me.

You know what’s funny? When a woman leaves a man for losing his high paying job, we completely understand and accept that, but when a guy dumps his girl for becoming obese he’s just a shallow jerk. Why? Men need to get aroused in order for something to happen in the bedroom. That’s simple biology. We can’t just slap some lube on it and go for the gold like women can.

To me, any man who doesn’t leave his wife after she gains a significant amount of weight is just a person who cannot afford to get anyone better. Plain and simple.

“When a woman leaves a man for losing his high paying job, we completely understand and accept that…” clearly, that’s a worry for you. How sad I feel for you, to think that you are only worth your paychecks. Of course you should leave your woman “if she got fat…in a heartbeat” because she would certainly leave you just as quickly the moment you stopped being able to afford her.

“When a woman leaves a man for losing his high paying job, we completely understand and accept that” Truer words have never been said. You’ll notice this author only dated fit, handsome, killer body men. Women have financial AND physical demands for men, they just don’t want those demands for themselves.

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