Is your spouse distant? Depressed? Are you worried your husband or wife is having an affair?
It is important to know the clues and be on the lookout for signs that your husband or wife wants to leave you.
When one spouse files for divorce, the other can feel blindsided —until weeks and months later, they look back and see all the red flags they were missing, or ignoring, or repeatedly turned down for sex. For years.
In my case, my ex-threatened to leave for months. I was pregnant, and couldn’t believe it — until he left his wedding ring on a shelf where he knew I’d see it. No subtlety there!
“There are often many indications of a pending divorce, but people don’t want to see them or acknowledge that their marriage may be in danger,”
Gretchen Cliburn, a financial planner and certified divorce financial analyst in Springfield, Mo., in Wall Street Journal.
This article outlines 15 telltale signs your husband or wife is planning to leave you:
1. They stop arguing with you.
If you’ve been bickering (or screaming) for years about certain issues, and they suddenly stop, they may very well have thrown in the towel.
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2. He or she spends more time with their own friends or family members than before — and less with you.
You may have been your husband or wife’s primary comfort and friend, but now you have been replaced with other people (or a lover, for that matter).
What to do now: See above. Shore up your support system.
3. Your husband becomes evasive or stops caring about future plans, whether planning vacations, holidays, home repairs — all now irrelevant because they are out of there.
4. They suddenly focus on their appearance.
This might include plastic surgery, major weight-loss, new wardrobe all may be signs of a new lease on life — without you.
What to do now: They are spending frivolously on their future. You need to secure yourself financially. Sock away all the cash you can in an online savings account in your name only. Make sure you have life insurance policies for both of you, as well as estate plans.
Bestow, which offers coverage from one of the largest life insurance companies in the country, has an A+ BBB rating, offers term life insurance starting at $10/month for up to $1.5 million, and guaranteed no medical or lab exam.
5. They act secretive about their phone messages, texts, mail, and emails.
There may be an affair at play, or they may be waiting for a call from their lawyer, accountant, real estate agent, or spending time researching alimony law.
What to do now: Did you know divorce and separation are some of the top times in life when your identity and credit will be stolen? Keep up with your credit.
6. They are suddenly interested in the family finances, after leaving the money management to the other spouse.
From the Wall Street Journal:
“Michael Stutman, past president of the New York state chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says one red flag could come from the spouse who shows new interest in credit-card offers. The spouse could be trying to build up credit in his or her name or be concerned about maintaining access to liquidity during the divorce, he says.”
What to do now: Research all your accounts, collect documents for bank, savings, investments, real estate, debt, loans. Open accounts in your own name to build and maintain credit. Call a lawyer or divorce mediator.
7. Rejiggering of assets or credit
Say, taking out large sums from a home equity line, unusually high spending on a joint credit card (or worse, one in the other spouse’s name), or withdrawal from investment accounts. The opening of new accounts or credit cards in their name only is another sign. Or, unusually large cash withdrawals from accounts is another red flag, as is if a spouse stops contributing to investment accounts (because those funds may be stashed away as an exit strategy instead).
What to do now: Shit is now serious. Retain an attorney and move to freeze accounts. Half of this money is likely yours. Keep lots of records.
8. Intercept of financial or legal documents.
For example, if tax or investment documents were always mailed to both of you, and suddenly they stopped, your spouse may have signed up to receive them electronically — or snagged them from the USPS, or change account passwords without telling you.
What to do now: Educate yourself about investing and saving if you feel behind. Read: How to start investing for women
9. Lots of talk about how poorly their business is doing.
He or she might be planting notions that he has fewer assets and income than in actuality.
What to do now: Focus on your own earning.
If you are under-employed, start searching for a new job or side gig. Read: Top companies for work-at-home jobs for single moms
Assume you are entitled to alimony as a stay-at-home mom — or terrified you have to pay it? Educate yourself about alimony law, and also understand the negatives of relying on alimony income from an ex.
Also, as women become more successful, more and more moms are paying child support and alimony.
10. You might find strange documents about apartments, or relocation offers around your home.
They are looking for a new place to live.
What to do now: Read How is property divided in a divorce and who gets the house?
11. Refusal of a stay-at-home parent to get a job, or a lesser-earning spouse to take a higher-paying position
She may be ensuring higher child support or spousal maintenance.
What to do now: Call that lawyer.
12. On the flip side, a spouse may turn down a promotion or overtime to lessen their financial responsibility post-breakup.
The less income they report now, the less they have to pay in child support or alimony.
What to do now: Read How to negotiate a pay raise or promotion
13. Sudden interest in the kids
If they are thinking of leaving, and want to make sure they secure their share of custody time with the children, they show uncharacteristic interest in sports, religious, school and other activities, as well as ensure the children spend lots of time with their side of the family.
What to do now: Read: 29 ways to co-parent like a pro, and embrace a 50-50 custody arrangement. You’ll thank me later, no matter how scary or sad that may seem now.
14. An aggressive insistence to relocate to be near their extended family.
What to do now: Attorney, now.
15. Sex stops, or sex starts to suck.
If you’re still having sex, but the other partner stops caring about your pleasure, or intimate connection, they are checked out emotionally, and a divorce may be next. (Though I did report on weird cases where that chemistry outlives the marriage. Rare, weird but possible!)
What to do now: Pray. Focus on your own wellbeing. They're done.
When your husband or wife says they're done