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If you have a background in writing or journalism and researching companies and initiatives is your idea of fun, a career in grant writing could be for you.

You may be able to work in this field part-time, on the side, without quitting other work you love, and many grant writers even work in a freelance role. Since the tools for this job are limited to your own skill, a computer, and an internet connection, this job can be completed from anywhere as well — perhaps even from your home.

One of the best perks of grant-writing? Your work can help change lives and make the world better.

Keep reading to learn:

How to become a grant writer in 3 steps

What degree is needed for grant writing?

What is a grant writer?

What kind of tasks do grant writers do?

What skills do you need to become a grant writer?

Are grant writers in demand?

How much do grant writers make?

How do you find grantwriter jobs?

The bottom line

How to become a grant writer in 3 steps

If you think you want to become a grant writer but aren’t exactly sure where to start, these basic steps can help you lay the groundwork:

Step 1 (maybe): Take an online grant writing course or grantwriting class

Often, grant writers who work for individual clients get their start with a bachelor’s degree in English or a related field. The exact field you earned a degree in doesn’t matter so much, however, provided you have excellent writing skills and enough attention to detail to get the job done.

Beyond brushing up on your writing skills, you can also take an online grant writing class online to learn the art of grant writing, and how to build a grant-writing business. Fortunately, the internet is home to all sorts of free and inexpensive resources that can help. Some colleges and universities offer courses in grant writing online. There are also certificate programs you can earn in this field, which may be a good idea to bolster your resume.

American Grant Writers’ Association online grant writing class

American Grant Writers’ Association offers online courses in grant proposal writing and grant consulting as well as a certificate program.

The American Grant Writers’ Association is a national professional organization for professional grant writers and grant administrators. 

Membership grants individuals access to a number of valuable resources:

  • Access to the association’s Members Only area 
  • Listing in their online membership directory
  • Opportunity to join special interest groups within the association, which are tailored to specific industries within the profession

When you pay for a grant writing online course, you automatically get an annual membership to the American Grant Writers’ Association, which otherwise costs $119 per year.

The American Grant Writers’ Association offers a number of online grant writing courses for project grants, as well as research grants. These include:

  • Grant Writing for Government Grants
  • Program Development and Proposal Writing
  • Grant Writing for Non-Profit Organizations
  • Certified Grant Writer® Series
  • Evaluation Plans for Project Grants (Advanced Course)
  • Preparing Applications for Research Grants
  • Grant Management
  • Starting a Grant Consulting Business

Completing the entire Certified Grant Writer® Series is the only way for an individual to earn the certification required to use the Certified Grant Writer® trademark. Completion also grants you free membership to the association, which normally costs $119. 

The curriculum consists of a grant-writing online course—Program Development and Proposal Writing (PDPW)—followed by a review course and examination. The course covers grantseeking and program development to proposal writing for nonprofit and for-profit institutions to ethics, and more. 

The association claims most students find that they are able to complete the 8-course assignments in about 50 hours over the course of one month. However, you have up to 90 days from date of purchase to complete all assignments. If necessary, you can buy a 90-day extension for $100. 

Upon completion of the course, students must select an available date to take the exam, which is currently conducted in-person. (Though the association is in the process of shifting to an online exam.) The test consists of true or false and multiple-choice questions, supplemented with a writing portion.

NonprofitReady free online grant writing classes

These are basic, free online courses from NonProfitReady.org to help you get started with basic grant writing skills. The site offers a free grant writing certificate that will teach you:

  • How to find the right grants for your nonprofit
  • Write great grant proposals
  • Build strong relationships with your grantors

Udemy grant writing classes

Udemy offers several dozen quick grant writing courses for fees of less than $20. These will get you started with basic skills.

Step 2. Consider grant writing certification

If you’re interested in becoming a grant writer, completing an online grant writing course or earning your grant writer certification can jump-start your career. Not only does earning your certification teach you what you need to know to do the job well, but it will also give you a valuable credential that you can use to strengthen your resume, stand out from your competition, and charge more for your services.

While there are a number of services and organizations which offer grant writing certification, our favorite is the Certified Grant Writer® Series from the American Grant Writers’ Association. This curriculum provides students with the skills needed to become a grant writer, while also allowing you to use the Certified Grant Writer® trademark in your resume, website, LinkedIn profile and marketing material. 

Step 3: Gain some experience.

Next up you’ll want to gain some experience, and this may just be the hardest part. After all, how do you gain experience writing grants when nobody has hired you yet?

The best step to take here is to look for volunteer or internship opportunities. A good place to start is the American Grant Writers’ Association since they partner with numerous organizations that work with and hire professionals to craft grant proposals. The AGWA also sponsors a Grant Conference for grant writers who want to stay on top of industry trends or meet other grant writers in their niche.

On Indeed.com, there are usually some openings for grant writing internships. At the moment, there are several available, including opportunities for contract grant writing work and full-time trial positions. FlexJobs.com also offers some unpaid grant writing internship opportunities on their website as well as links to paid jobs.

You can also try your hand at networking with other grant writers. They may know about entry-level opportunities you could explore or be willing to show you the ropes. Attending conferences like the AGWA Grant Conference or the annual conference sponsored by the Grant Professionals Association can also help you get your foot in the door. Also, check out Facebook groups for grant writers. There are several that can be easily found online, including one for “professional grant writers.” You can probably learn a lot from people already working in this career, and it can’t hurt to join and see what these groups are all about.

Finally, keep in mind that your prior work experience could lead to a paid job as a grant writer, particularly if you worked for a nonprofit. The more you know about a specific industry, the more attractive you will be when being considered for other positions in that industry. If you worked in healthcare in your previous career, for example, you may have a leg up when it comes to finding work writing grants in the healthcare niche. If you have worked in a field where grants are awarded regularly, you may already have contacts you could reach out to for advice.

What degree is needed for grant writing?

Again, there is no formal education requirement for being a grantwriter, though many in the field come from a writing background — English major, journalism, marketing. Others enter the field through their experience in non-profits or government jobs. 

But, who hires grant writers? And what do grant writers do? Most of the time, businesses and nonprofits that need help to secure funding for various projects through grants hire these professionals to seek out and apply for money from organizations that give out these funds.

What is a grant writer?

To understand what kind of work a grant writer does, you need to understand how grants work in the first place. Grants are funds gifted to companies and organizations by public and private foundations. These funds are typically awarded to help the organization reach a specific objective, such as conducting research or developing a new product. An example would be a research lab that seeks out grants to do its research on thyroid cancer.  A grant is a gift, but it is only given for a specific purpose that is usually aimed at a philanthropic goal.

Grant writers are the professionals who put together the proposals for companies and organizations that are seeking grants. Many grant writers work for a single organization with the goal of helping them qualify for as many grants as possible, while others take on freelance grant writing projects.

Thanks to technology, it’s easier than ever to work as a grant writer from home, although you’ll need to build up some experience on your resume before you’ll be able to secure clients. Thankfully, there are many opportunities to get that kind of marketable experience (read on!).

What kind of tasks do grant writers do?

The tasks that grant writers complete can vary slightly depending on the position they work in. A grant writer who works for a single client may spend some of their time researching grants to apply for, whereas a freelance grant writer mostly focuses mostly on creating the grant paperwork required for grants their clients wish to apply for.

Other tasks grant writers complete include:

  • Grant writers research grants to ensure the client’s project fits with the goal of the grant. Since grants require money and resources to pursue, grant writers need to devote time to figuring out which grants are worth going after.
  • Grant writers read over grant guidelines. Before a grant writer can get started with their work, they have to read over information about specific grants to ensure they follow listed rules when drafting their proposal.
  • Grant writers create proposals. Grant writers use their time, expertise and creativity to write compelling grant proposals that explain why a client’s project is important. They often include stories that explain the company’s commitment to specific causes — such as the environment or children. Grant proposals need to be factual and informational, but they also need to be motivational and interesting enough to stand out.
  • Grant writers work with clients and donors. Not only do grant writers need to be able to communicate with their clients and answer their questions, but they may also speak with prospective donors regularly. That’s why excellent communication skills are required for this job, even if you work from home.

What skills do you need to become a grant writer?

To work as a grant writer, you need to have excellent writing skills as well as the ability to write persuasively. You are asking for money, so you need to explain why your client needs the money and why they deserve it over all the other people who apply. You also need to have attention to detail and solid proofreading skills since you may or may not have someone available to edit your work.

Having organizational and multitasking skills is also important since you may be juggling several clients and grant proposals at once. Finally, you need to be great at research to work successfully as a grant writer since you’ll need to research plenty before you start each proposal as well as during the process.

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Are grant writers in demand?

Here is what expert grant writers say about the market for these jobs:

Career stability and demand for grant writers/managers from r/grantwriting

How much do grant writers make?

Pay in this field can vary widely since some grant writers work for companies and others are self-employed. The good news is, you have the potential to earn a lot more than your peers if you can handle a large workload and keep your clients happy.

Grant writer’s salary

You may work as a salaried grant writer, being employed full-time at a non-profit, university, or other non-profit organization that depends on grants.

Salary.com reports that grant writers were paid an average of up to $76,457 as of July.

Your pay will depend on a wide range of factors including your experience, education, certifications, and even where you live.

Freelance grant writing

Many grant writers work as freelance consultants, writing grant proposals for multiple clients.

Freelance grant writers can earn $100 per hour or more, although that’s usually only if they have a lot of experience and the ability to research and write quickly — and get results for their clients (grants!). Most newbie grant writers will earn closer to $40 or $50 per hour.

Pros and cons of becoming a grant writer

Consider these pros and cons before you look for work as a grant writer:

Advantages of working as a grant writer

  • There’s a strong possibility you can work from home
  • High income potential, since you will control your time and how much you charge
  • You can use your skills and expertise to help causes you care about
  • The work can be interesting, and you can meet inspiring people
  • You will likely be self-employed.

Disadvantages of working as a grant writer

  • It may be challenging to gain grant writing and industry experience at first
  • Self-employed grant writers need to pay their own benefits and take care of their own taxes
  • You may need to spend some time finding and securing clients
  • You will likely be self-employed. This can mean freedom, power, and independence, but for some moms the instability and lack of benefits like health and disability insurance are negatives.

You need disability insurance more than life insurance. Those who do not have disability insurance through a job, including the self-employed, can find individual coverage through reputable companies for an affordable price.

How do you find grantwriter jobs?

When it comes to finding grant writing jobs, there are several options to consider. You can seek out traditional employment or you can try to build a freelance grant writing career. Some tips that can help include:

  • Create a portfolio online. To market yourself to potential clients, it is important to have attractive social media accounts, as well as a simple website that showcases who you are, and what you offer.
  • Check the big online job boards such as ZipRecruiter.com, Indeed.com and CareerBuilder. Even googling “grant writing jobs” can help you find job boards with positions listed in your area.
  • Reach out to local nonprofits and organizations that are likely to qualify for grants. Offer to help them pro bono, then leverage your experience for your portfolio and resume.
  • Set up an account on Fiverr.com noting your writing experience and grant writing abilities. You may be able to find entry-level freelance work writing grants for companies.
  • Update your LinkedIn profile to show you have grant writing experience and a renewed focus on this career path.

How to prepare your grant writer resume

Hiring a professional resume writer or resume editor is a huge advantage in creating a grant-writer resume that stands out. A quality resume service will help you not only create a professional resume, but also help you frame your experience and goals in a way that you cannot do on your own. It always helps to have a second set of trusted eyes when it comes to important career moves.

The bottom line

A career in grant writing may be challenging, but you have the potential to work with companies who are making positive changes in the world.

Do not to let a lack of experience get in your way. If you have a background in writing or a way with words, you may have more applicable skills for this job than you realize. Take the time to build up your portfolio and your resume, and you could be writing grant proposals from home in no time.

Writing not your style? If you have an eagle-eye, you might consider proofreading instead. Read:

How to be a work-at-home proofreader

Proofread Anywhere reviews: Is it worth it?

Or if you’re more of a numbers person, consider one of these careers:

How do you become a grant writer?

Take an online grant writing course or grant writing class. Consider grant writing certification. Gain experience.

How much do grant writers make?

Pay in this field can vary widely since some grant writers work for companies and others are self-employed. The good news is, you have the potential to earn a lot more than your peers if you can handle a large workload and keep your clients happy. Salary.com reports that grant writers were paid an average of up to $76,457 as of July 2021.

Virtual assistants are in hot demand — and a very popular work-at-home option, especially for parents. Benefits include:

  • Good pay. Depending on skill level, you can earn $20 to $75 within the first year.
  • Extreme flexibility. Work anywhere in the world you like, often any hours you prefer
  • Very high demand. Every industry and business requires some support, and it is easier and more cost-effective to hire a remote worker
  • Interesting work. The types of tasks required of virtual assistants are wide, varied and changing. You can pick and choose what you want to specialize in
  • Easy to get started. If you can type, do basic skills on a computer, run social media, you are ready to start your virtual assistant business.

Ready to become a virtual assistant? Here are things you need to know:

How to become a virtual assistant with no experience

  1. Market relevant experience differently
  2. Take an online course to learn how to become a virtual assistant: 10kVA course reviews
  3. Work under a successful VA

What is a virtual assistant?

What kinds of tasks do virtual assistants do?

How does a virtual assistant work?

What skills do you need to be a VA?

How much do virtual assistants earn?

How do you find virtual assistant jobs?

Virtual assistant services: What services does a virtual assistant offer?

Virtual assistant service: Managing social media

How to create virtual assistant packages

Pros and cons of being a VA

How to become a virtual assistant with no experience

Here’s how to get started:

1. Market relevant experience differently

If you already have job experience as an administrative assistant, office manager, secretary or with a specific job title such as marketing manager, social media manager or copywriter, market yourself as a virtual assistant.

2. Take an online course to learn how to become a virtual assistant: 10kVA course reviews

If you’re curious about this career path, it’s important to know that you don’t have to do this alone. There are a handful of helpful virtual assistant courses online out there, like $10K VA. Also, consider becoming a bookkeeper or bookkeeper assistant, which can be a six-figure work-at-home career you can launch in less than a year. Our No. 1 recommended course is Bookkeeper Launch, which we review.

3. Work under a successful VA

Increasingly, successful virtual assistants either hire sub-contractors under them to serve their clients, or work as agents matching clients with virtual assistants.

What is a virtual assistant?

Virtual assistants are exactly what they sound like they would be — assistants that work virtually (online) instead of in a physical office.

While many virtual assistants are self-employed freelance workers, some virtual assistants work for an agency or for one employer.

Kayla Sloan earns $10,000 or more each month as a virtual assistant. Her 10KVA course has helped hundreds of people — mostly moms, all working from home — replicate the same success. Check it out:

Virtual assistants provide online support to a wide range of professionals who need help managing their online businesses.

People who employ VAs run the gamut from bloggers to online entrepreneurs, podcast hosts, online colleges, and pretty much any business owner who needs a support staff — but that support staff does not need to be in their physical office.

Why would someone hire a virtual assistant? In many cases, people who hire VAs work virtually as well so they don’t want to bring someone into a brick-and-mortar office.

If everyone on a team can work from home from wherever they live, businesses can save money on overhead by not paying for office space, and also get the benefit of happy, loyal employees.

What kinds of tasks do virtual assistants do?

At this point, you want to know:

What does a virtual assistant do?

While the answer to this question varies widely, most VA duties are similar to those conducted in any traditional office.

A virtual assistant who works for a blog or major website may perform tasks such as reading and responding to emails, helping their employer add people to their mailing list, create documents, manage a client’s calendar, schedule and create social media posts and more.

Proofreaders are also in big demand, with competitive pay. Learn more about being a proofreader from home.

Also, learn more about becoming a bookkeeping assistant.

They may also create virtual images to be shared online, and they may even perform basic social media management.

Other tasks that are performed by VAs include:

  • Update documents with new data
  • Create spreadsheets to track performance
  • Input or documenting payments
  • Send invoices to clients
  • Set up interviews
  • Respond to media or informational requests
  • Basic data entry
  • Schedule appointments
  • Writing
  • Ghostwriting
  • Project management
  • Pinterest, Facebook and other social media management (more details on this below) 
  • Customer service
  • Real estate agents and brokerage assistance with administrative tasks

This is not an all-inclusive list since VAs in a specific niche may perform additional tasks. However, it’s important to note that the bulk of your work will take place on your computer and online.

Legitimate work from home jobs for single moms

While these may seem so obvious they are a scam, there are many jobs that require the following skills — even for large companies like Amazon and Google:

  • Work from home on a computer
  • Work from home typing jobs
  • Work from home data entry jobs
  • Work from home customer service jobs
  • Work from home chat jobs
  • Work from home medical jobs
  • Work from home transcription jobs

Learn more about FlexJobs, a site that connects job-seekers with career-level work-at-home positions

How does a virtual assistant work?

In short: A virtual assistant is just like a traditional, in-person, or in-office assistant — but VAs work remotely. Often a virtual assistant communicates with clients via regular phone or Skype meetings, email, text, or a project management system like Trello, Asana or Basecamp, but that all depends on the agreements between the VA and their clients.

Most virtual assistants work on a contract basis. You may choose to charge an hourly rate, with a package based on a minimum number of hours. Your clients may assign you a list of tasks to be completed over a week or month or quarter — or you may respond to their requests as they send them throughout the day.

It is up to you as the business owner, the types of tasks you agree to handle, the way in which you are paid, the hours you work, and deadlines you feel comfortable with.

What skills do you need to be a VA?

Since your entire VA career will be spent in front of your computer, it’s natural to wonder if you have all the skills required for the job. Fortunately, you do not need a ton of technical skill to find work in this profession.

Kayla Sloan, a six-figure virtual assistant and the founder of $10K VA, even says that you don’t even need a formal education to get started. You mostly need a very basic set of online skills, attention to detail, an aptitude for excellence.

While the skills and knowledge you’ll need can vary depending on the specific type of VA work you do, basic skills to get started likely include:

  • Strong communication skills — ability to understand exactly what the client needs, and express what you need to the client
  • Highly organized
  • Ability to use Microsoft Office products, specifically Microsoft Word and Excel
  • Google Docs
  • Software editing programs
  • Organization and scheduling software such as Basecamp, Asana, Evernote, or Trello
  • Excellent reading comprehension and writing skills
  • The ability to proofread your own work
  • Accounting and bookkeeping knowledge, including QuickBooks
  • Experience with social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest
  • Extreme attention to detail

If you haven’t mastered these skills yet or have never heard of some of these programs, don’t stress! There are many skills you can learn as you go, and there are even virtual assistant training programs that can get you started off on the right foot and with the knowledge you need.

Build basic cybersecurity into your workflow. Use a password manager and 2FA on client accounts, and connect through a fast VPN/proxy whenever you’re on public or shared networks. The encryption protects files, client logins, and project tools, and can also help you access geo‑restricted resources while traveling. This keeps your online activity private and delivers a secure browsing experience for you and your clients.

None of the skills required to be a VA are overly complex or technical, and you will usually do some learning as you go. That’s totally normal.

In addition to the main skills you need, however, you also need an excellent work ethic since you will be working from home. You need the drive to get up and do the work every day even if you don’t want to — and without a boss to motivate you. For many people, this is the hardest part about working as a virtual assistant or in any other work-at-home job.

Finally, you need to be a somewhat organized person with excellent time management skills. While most virtual assistants are paid by the hour, they need to be efficient with their time if they want to keep their employers happy. Remember that people who hire VAs are doing so to save both time and money. If you’re not efficient or you’re terrible at managing your time, you won’t be a “good deal” to anyone who might hire you.

How much do virtual assistants earn?

Now on to the question we’re all here for: How much do VAs earn? This is another topic that is up for debate because it really depends on:

  • Salary or part-time / self-employed (self-employed earn a higher rate, typically)
  • Experience level
  • Type of services provided. Data entry will command a much lower rate than organizing meetings of C-suite executives for the oil and gas industry
  • Industry. Clients in financial services, medicine, law and other fields that require high levels of service and have big budgets can pay more than serving an individual influencer or small business owner (though not necessarily)

How much do virtual assistants make, by job type

Virtual assistant salary (full-time)

Just as there is a remote version of every type of job (including surgeons, who can now perform operations remotely via robots!), any assistant job can now be applied to the VA category. In this case, some assistants doing very beginner tasks may earn a flat rate of $20,000 per year salary, an executive level assistant supporting the full schedule of a Fortune 500 CEO can earn $150,000 or more.

Virtual assistant full-time jobs may come with benefits like health insurance, retirement, paid time off, equipment like a computer, phone and desk, and/or rental on office space or a community office like WeWork. This is true for VAs working for large businesses, as well as solopreuneuers.

Virtual assistant part-time jobs

If you’re a self-employed freelance virtual assistant with multiple clients, you can typically charge a lot more than virtual assistants who work for agencies of a single employer.

13 jobs that pay well and do not require a degree

How do you find virtual assistant jobs?

Virtual assistant work is in more demand than ever, but that doesn’t always mean the jobs are easy to find. For the most part, the *first* job you find as a VA is the most difficult to secure. From there, you can usually get more VA work via referrals. That’s why many virtual assistants start out with an agency at first.

Virtual assistant jobs for beginners

If you are just getting started, there are countless ways to find VA gigs to build your skills and resume.

To market yourself to potential clients, it is important to have attractive social media accounts, as well as a simple website that showcases who you are, and what you offer.

  • Fiverr is a marketplace where creative professionals promote their services — including designers, writers and virtual assistants. Keep in mind that marketplace is global, so you are competing with people in places like Thailand and El Salvador where wages are lower.
  • FlexJobs is an incredible resource for those seeking telecommute and other flexible and work-at-home jobs. There are hundreds of virtual assistant positions on FlexJobs, which does charge a fee to access its database of highly vetted companies. In other words: These are only quality positions at quality companies.
  • ZipRecruiter is a job search site you can use to find all kinds of jobs, including part time, full time, and remote work.
  • Ask around. Talk to friends and family who own small business, as well as work at corporations. Hiring remote workers on a contract basis is very common now. Offer to provide data entry, social media management, or any other services.
  • Networking events in your town
  • Conferences
  • Facebook groups and other online communities. There are a number of Facebook communities specifically for VAs, which can be useful in connecting with others in your new field to brainstorm business-building, as well as make new friends who might refer business. Also seek out communities of professionals where you specialize. For example, if you have experience supporting a dental practice, find an online community of dental practice managers.

These sources may sound really vague, but these are the best places to find VA work and VA jobs. You have to remember that, as a virtual assistant, part of your job really is finding and keeping clients. Fortunately, highly-skilled virtual assistants with plenty of knowledge and great communication skills tend to have no problem finding and retaining work. Happy clients will be thrilled to refer you to their colleagues and friends.

Remember: If you are successful in helping your clients’ business grow, they are happy to help you grow you business — with increased fees and hours on their payroll, as well as recommendations to their friends and colleagues.

How much do virtual assistants charge per hour?

If you work for an agency or full-time for one employer, you’ll take a cut in pay in exchange for help finding clients. VAs that work for an agency or single employer typically make between $10 and $20 per hour.

Some self-employed VAs who are highly trained and skilled charge upwards of $75 per hour and remain in demand, but the majority of freelance VAs earn in the $20 to $40 per hour range. Of course, there is a downside that comes with being a freelance VA — for the most part, you’ll in be charge of finding all your own work.

While earning on the low end of the scale may not be ideal, it’s important to keep in mind that you can charge more as you learn new skills and become better at your job. If you start out as a VA with an agency and become proficient enough to run your own client base, you could even double or triple your starting income within a few years.

Virtual assistant services: What services does a virtual assistant offer?

A virtual assistant can offer nearly any service remotely to assist a business owner. Here is a sampling of common VA tasks:

  1. Customer service through email, chat, social media or phone
  2. Email management 
  3. Blog, social media and online community comment management 
  4. Live webinar assistance
  5. Calendar and appointment management 
  6. Data entry
  7. PowerPoint presentations
  8. Order fulfillment
  9. Ordering supplies
  10. Scheduling interviews for podcast or YouTube guests
  11. Re-purposing content (Example: turn a video into a written blog post or a blog post into a social media post)
  12. Taking meeting notes
  13. Managing blog editorial calendars
  14. Photo editing 
  15. Graphic design 
  16. Bookkeeping
  17. Client onboarding and management: Setting up contracts, payment, invoicing and paperwork
  18. Vendor onboarding, maintenance and payment 
  19. Travel arrangements
  20. Managing online communities
  21. Assisting with webinars and Zoom meetings 
  22. WordPress blog post management
  23. Project management
  24. Event planning — online or IRL
  25. Online marketing and promotion, including giveaways, promoting ebooks or courses
  26. Organizing files on the cloud / Google Drive
  27. Training new team members
  28. Personal shopping and appointment management 
  29. Translation

Virtual assistant service: Writing

Some writing-related tasks for a VA:

  1. Writing blog posts
  2. Writing ebooks, books, newsletters, emails
  3. Writing or editing audio or video transcriptions
  4. Writing and scheduling social media posts for LinkedIn, YouTube Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram
  5. Creating pins and managing Pinterest
  6. Managing social media comments and DMs
  7. Press releases
  8. Editing blog posts, books, websites, newsletters, recipes, etc.
  9. Website and sales page copywriting
  10. Write product descriptions for online shops like Shopify or Etsy
  11.   Grant proposals
  12. Collecting/editing testimonials
  13.  Podcast or YouTube scripts or promos

Virtual assistant service: Managing social media

Many virtual assistants perform social media management services for their clients. Sometimes these job titles overlap, or are used interchangeably as social media becomes increasingly important to businesses of all sizes.

While businesses once relied on major media to advertise their products or services, the internet ushered in a new era that changed how marketing works.

Instead of paying for radio and print newspaper or magazine ads as the bulk of their strategy, most businesses today turn to social media to get the word out. And really, why wouldn’t they? Not everyone listens to the radio anymore, and print media is going the way of the dinosaur at lightning speed.

Many businesses — including individual bloggers, influencers and small businesses — hire social media managers — a specific type of worker that handles all forms of social media outreach and engagement.

Keep reading to find out more:

What is a social media manager?

Think of any business you know that has an online presence, from your local grocery store to your doctor’s office, to your favorite food blogger.

If that business is on social media sharing information, creating buzz about events, or simply letting people know they exist, there’s a good chance they employ a social media manager to take care of those details.

While social media management jobs vary, these workers are charged with understanding how major social platforms like Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, and Snapchat work. They effectively “run” the social media accounts for the business that hires them so the business owner can spend their time doing other things.

While many social media managers work as freelancers and juggle more than one client, some find full-time jobs managing social media for major corporations or businesses.

Read more: Best work-from-home jobs for single moms

What kind of tasks do social media managers do?

If you look at your own social media pages and find businesses that have an online presence, it’s not that hard to figure out what social media managers do. For the most part, they craft the communications their bosses want their followers to see.

That could mean writing a Facebook post with an image that talks about an upcoming sale or promotion, or it might mean sharing news about a local event. It can also include fielding customer questions, comments, and even complaints as a virtual customer service rep of sorts. Or, it can simply involve interacting with a brand or business’s social media followers in a meaningful way.

Different businesses may use different social media platforms as well, and most businesses do not use them all.

For example, a grocery store brand may get lots of traction on Facebook and Twitter but avoid Instagram and Snapchat because they don’t find their target audience there. On the flip side, a business that caters to younger consumers — like a fast food chain or fashion brand — may focus only on Instagram and Snapchat because that’s where their customers live.

While the tasks completed by social media managers can vary from day to day, the main tasks usually include:

  • Scheduling social media posts for clients
  • Communicating with clients to find out what they want to promote and the style in which they want to promote it
  • Responding to customer inquiries on social media
  • Creating special emails or social media promotions or schedules
  • Creating images to be used on social media
  • Curating and sharing relevant content social media followers will love
  • Tracking and analyzing stats on each platform to monitor growth
  • Optimizing platforms to best represent the business
  • Staying on top of the ever-changing social media platforms’ industry news
  • Planning an editorial calendar

Keep in mind that this list is not all-inclusive. Most social media managers spend time on certain networks and not much at all on others, and some social media managers may also create and edit videos for their clients to share on platforms like Instagram.

At the end of the day, the scope of the job depends a lot on who you work for, the social media networks they focus on, and the company’s goals.

Some details on what it is like to work as a social media manager:

What skills do you need to be a social media manager?

If you are on Facebook or Twitter all the time already, you may think you have what it takes to become a social media manager without any formal training.

While it’s true having social media experience helps, believe us when we say you have a lot to learn before you can offer social media management services to clients.

There must be purpose and strategy behind every move you make on social media as a business.

The first thing to remember is that professional social media management is not to be taken lightly. Unlike your personal social media accounts, this job is less about sharing pictures of your dinner and new selfies and more about creating advertising campaigns that help your clients meet their goals.

With that in mind, skills you’ll need to work as a social media manager include:

  • Proficiency in all the major social media networks
  • Knowledge of apps that help with social media scheduling, such as Tailwind
  • Experience or knowledge of Facebook Ads and how to use them
  • Marketing experience
  • Excellent reading comprehension and writing skills
  • Copywriting skills
  • Excellent customer service skills
  • Attention to detail
  • Bookkeeping

In addition to these skills, you also need to be able to effectively communicate with clients. You need to be able to understand what it is they want out of social media and how to translate that information into effective social media campaigns and engagement. The majority of the time, you will learn the bulk of these skills through experience, trial, and error.

How much do social media managers earn?

While social media management is hard work, these professionals are typically rewarded handsomely for their knowledge, time, and expertise. However, it’s important to note that social media managers are paid in many different ways.

For example, a social media manager employed by a specific company can usually expect to earn $40,000 to $75,000 per year depending on their level of skill and who they work for. That’s a broad range indeed, but it just goes to show how much wiggle room you may have when it comes to negotiating salary.

Social media managers who are self-employed typically charge their clients a monthly retainer fee in lieu of an hourly rate. This could be anywhere from $500 to $3,000 per month per client depending on the time and scope of the social media involved.

I personally know several social media managers who juggle 6-7 clients per month with each paying a retainer of $500 – $1,000 per month. If you’re earning $500 per client each month and have 6 clients, you’d obviously be earning $3,000 per month or $36,000 per year. If you got each of those clients to pay you a $1,000 retainer each month, on the other hand, your salary would surge to $72,000. That’s obviously a huge difference!

Pros and cons of being a social media manager

While the income potential shared above may be exciting, this is also one of the downsides of being a social media manager. Unless you find a full-time social media management job with a single employer, your income may be highly variable depending on how many clients you have and how much they are willing to pay.

You’ll also need to brace yourself for the fact that you’ll lose clients from time to time. When money is tight, social media managers (and other non-essential services and employees) are often the first to go.

Still, there’s plenty to love about social media management as a career. Before you give this job any more thought, consider these pros and cons:

Advantages of being a social media manager:

  • Work from home and often with flexible hours
  • Spend your time on social media instead of in an office
  • Put your creative side to work
  • Nearly unlimited income potential
  • Low expenses if you’re a freelancer
  • Learn new skills all the time as social media trends change

Disadvantages of being a social media manager:

  • Your income depends on your clients and their budgets
  • If you’re self-employed, you will need to find clients on your own
  • If you’re a freelancer, you won’t receive benefits such as access to a 401(k) plan or health insurance
  • You will have to manage your own invoices and taxes
  • You’ll need to spend time finding new clients each time you lose one

How do you find social media management jobs?

Social media management jobs are all over the place, but that doesn’t mean they’re advertised in plain sight. You may need to do a little digging to find the right social media management position or clients that will give you a chance when you’re first starting out.

To market yourself to potential clients, it is important to have attractive social media accounts, as well as a simple website that showcases who you are, and what you offer.

Some places to look for social media management work include:

  • Online job boards
  • Networking events and conferences
  • Blogging conferences
  • Contacting local businesses and entrepreneurs with an online presence
  • Online business and entrepreneurship Facebook groups

Some social media managers also have success contacting local businesses without a social media presence to see if they need help. Many businesses want to be on social media but don’t have the time or manpower to get the ball rolling.

In many cases, they don’t even know they could hire someone to handle this aspect of their business. By showing them you have the knowledge and skill to help, you can secure work for yourself while also helping businesses create a presence where their customers are — online and on social media.

How to become a social media manager?

To become a social media manager, you need to be proficient in all the major social media networks. You also must have an eye for creativity, a certain level of professionalism, and the ability to work remotely and without any supervision.

Most of the skills social media managers need can be learned online and from home, but you may also want to explore the idea of taking an online course for social media managers or virtual assistants to get started.

Once you find a client that’s willing to give you a chance, it becomes much easier to find subsequent clients and build out your work week to earn a full-time income.

When it comes to beginning a career as a social media manager, you’ll need to learn a lot on your own and be willing to adapt right along with technology. But since there is no such thing as a college degree in social media management, you may want to seek out special training that can help.

If you have the skill and the drive to succeed, this job could be your full-time gig in less time than you think.

How to create virtual assistant packages

Often, a VA will charge per package, or a set fee for a fixed number of hours. This is a benefit to both the client and the VA — clients know they are paying a fixed fee for work that they are incentivized to use. They are also more likely to get organized to work with their virtual assistant in a meaningful way that gets the most accomplished in the fewest number of hours.

Creating a package benefits the VA: You now can budget both your time and money, instead of hoping work comes in each day — and then having to scramble to tackle it.

To incentivize clients to buy a package, offer a discount for bulk hours billed. Here is an example:

“My rate is $40 per hour, with a minimum of 10 hours per month. These packages are discounted:

  • 10 hours/mo. = $350 (13% discount)
  • 20 hours/mo. = $680 (15% discount)
  • 40 hours/mo. = $1,280 (20% discount)

Pros and cons of being a VA

Working from home can be absolutely amazing, but the fact remains that no job is perfect. Virtual assistants face many of the same struggles as individuals in any regular job, and even a few more. Before you decide to become a virtual assistant, consider some of the pros and cons:

Advantages of being a virtual assistant:

  • Work from home or anywhere with an internet connection
  • You can usually work the hours you want with a flexible schedule
  • You can earn fair wages for your work with the potential to earn more as you improve your skills
  • You have the option to “be your own boss”
  • You can often work as many hours as you want, including part-time
  • You can plan your work around your family and personal schedules

Disadvantages of being a virtual assistant:

  • It can be difficult to find new clients at first if you’re not employed with an agency
  • You will need to learn new skills and perfect them to earn the highest VA rates
  • If you are self-employed as a VA, you will need to spend some time on bookkeeping including sending and tracking your own invoices and payments
  • You will likely need to pay quarterly taxes if you’re employed as a freelance VA and self-employed (a tax preparer can help)
  • Since many VA jobs are for independent contractors, they typically do not come with vacation or other benefits like insurance
  • You may face a learning curve when you first start out
What is a virtual assistant?

Virtual assistants are exactly what they sound like they would be: assistants that work virtually (online) instead of in a physical office. While many virtual assistants are self-employed freelance workers, some virtual assistants work for an agency or for one employer.

What does a virtual assistant do?

While the answer to this question varies widely, most VA duties are similar to those conducted in any traditional office. A virtual assistant who works for a blog or major website may perform tasks such as reading and responding to emails, helping their employer add people to their mailing list, create documents, manage a client’s calendar, schedule and create social media posts and more.

How much do virtual assistants earn?

Now on to the question we’re all here for: How much do VAs earn? This is another topic that is up for debate because it really depends on: full-time or part-time employment, experience level, services provided, and industry.

When it comes to the best money-saving tips for single parents, my advice is simple:

  • Shop less
  • Focus on maximizing time vs. money
  • Focus on quality over quantity — this is true for products you buy, as well as life experiences. I prefer three weeks in Vietnam with my kids over three days at Disney. The former is less expensive, more adventure, more memories and life lessons.

How can I achieve financial freedom as a single mom?

Here are actionable tips you can take today that can help you save money and achieve financial freedom:

1. Create a monthly budget

2. Stop spending money

3. Stop around your insurance rates

4. Pay off high-interest debt

5. Refinance your debt

6. Eliminate bank fees

7. Automate your finances

8. Shop online

9. Save money on food

10. Cut non-essentials

11. Find free or cheap things to do

12. Shop intentionally

Bottom line: How can a single parent save?

1. Create a monthly budget

Are you thinking: Budget my money? What money!? When you’re barely getting by, the thought of creating a budget might seem ridiculous.

However, creating a budget is important no matter how much you earn. A budget is nothing more than a “spending plan” you can use to dictate where your money goes each month. In that sense, a budget helps you be proactive about your finances versus just letting the chips fall where they may.

Once you track your spending from the last few months, create a budget that sets limits for your spending for the upcoming month. Include all your fixed bills like rent or mortgage payments, utility bills, and insurance, and create spending caps for categories where you have some wiggle room. Ideally, you’ll be able to set aside some money in your budget for savings right away — even if it’s a small amount.

If you own your home and are looking for flexible ways to cover renovations or consolidate debt, you could explore options to apply for HELOC as part of your long-term budgeting strategy. It can be a practical tool for single moms aiming to make the most of their home’s value while staying financially organized.

You Need a Budget, or YNAB, is our recommended tool to help you collect all your accounts and debt in one spreadsheet, set goals and tackle them, easily.

Track your expenses and make a budget with these free printable budget worksheets.

2. Stop spending money — here’s how

Here is a page from my book, 30-Day Kickass Single Mom Money Makeover:

Day 6: Buy Nothing Month

Today is all about not buying shit. Our culture is hyper-focused on shopping for, consuming, and owning stuff. If you’re not happy with your money situation, you’re likely out of alignment with your values. If you always wish you had more or other things–a new wardrobe, a different/better/bigger house, a nicer car, better furniture—your thoughts and energy are engaged in a poverty mentality. You are focused on things, when deep down you know it’s people and experiences that bring you joy and love. You become focused on what you do not have. You put little energy in being grateful and full with what you do have. Which, if you’re reading this on a smartphone or laptop, then you already have a lot.

A personal shopping ban requires not just curbing the buying, but putting a stop to the shopping. No more browsing your favorite stores “just to look.” No longer skimming online retailers “just to see what they have.” No more careering from Target’s grocery section to the home goods section “in case there are good deals.” The point is to recondition yourself from seeing shopping as an innocuous hobby, and instead focus on how much you do have and appreciate that it’s more than enough.

Today, I invite you to join me on my no-shopping month. I am right there with you. I know we are a few days into our challenge, but let’s support each other for the rest of this month to buy nothing. No new clothes. No toys or crap for your kids. Make a goal to eat through everything in your pantry, cupboards, fridge, freezer—including the granola bars in the glove compartment, but not necessarily all the booze in the liquor cabinet (I leave that to your discretion).

Here’s another tip from a Redditor:

3. Shop around for better insurance rates

If you’ve been with the same insurance company for several years, it may be time to get a new quote for all your insurance products.

  • Call your car insurance carrier and update the value of your vehicle, and ask for any savings for safe drivers, your new age and other discounts.
  • Call your current car / renters / homeowners insurance company and ask if you can bundle it with another policy.

4. Pay off high-interest debt

If you have credit card debt or personal loans, it may be ruining your chances of saving money. The average credit card interest rate is 18%, according to CreditCards.com, and you may be paying more than that!

You can pay off debt. The first step is getting real with yourself, and you can read the other steps to paying off debt (even on a low income).

The more high-interest debt you pay off, the more money you’ll have to spend and save each month. By lowering your monthly interest rates, you can pay down debt faster. A good way to do this is to refinance your debt.

How to prepare for a recession and survive

5. Refinance your debt

You may be able to sign up for a balance transfer card that gives you 0% APR for up to 21 months. Keep in mind, however, that some cards that offer 0% APR for a limited amount of time also charge a balance transfer fee of 3% to 5%.

If your credit is low, and you don’t qualify for a personal loan or credit card, work to fix your credit. Read: How to repair a low credit score — fast!

6. Eliminate bank fees

Eliminating fees is another way to save money every month. Fees you could be paying include banking fees, ATM fees, debit card fees, credit card fees, and more. Look at your bank and credit card statements to see what fees you’re paying and if there’s a feasible way to cut them.

7. Automate your finances

This can include:

  • Auto-deposit your pay check and other income
  • Aut0pay bills
  • Stagger your bills so that there is enough money in your accounts to cover the bills. For example: Don’t autopay all your bills for the first of the month if you get paid every two weeks.
  • Automatically send a portion of your paycheck to your savings account — either through your employer or from your checking account.

The key is to pay yourself first, and understand the basics of investing to build wealth. Also, check out our tips from millionaire moms on building wealth.

Personal check cashing “near me:” 19 places to go

8. Shop online

To save money, you need to step away from the mall. Shopping for fun or “retail therapy” won’t save money. Think about it.

If you absolutely need something, shop online. Not only can you usually score the best price and free shipping through websites like Amazon.com, but you avoid window shopping and buying stuff you don’t need. Before you check out, it’s worth searching a coupon site like GangaCoupons for a working promo code.

Of course, the key is to buy only what you need when you shop online and nothing else.

9. Save money on food

Get your groceries delivered

Getting your groceries delivered via a company like Peapod or Instacart may sound like the ultimate indulgence, but it can also save you money. Sure, you’ll pay slightly higher prices, plus a delivery fee, but you won’t wind up throwing lots of “extras” into your cart.

The best way to benefit from grocery delivery is to do it strategically with a planned menu in mind. When you only buy what you need and get it delivered, you get to skip time and energy schlepping the kids to the store and avoid wasting cash on snacks and other food you don’t really need.

Plan meals ahead of time

Whether you get your groceries delivered or not, you can save money by planning meals ahead of time. Doing so ensures you buy the ingredients you need for big, healthy meals (plus leftovers) while avoiding buying extra ingredients that will just expire in your pantry.

Let’s say you plan to make chicken enchiladas on Monday, vegetable soup on Wednesday, and tacos on Friday night, then eat leftovers or inexpensive take-out the other nights of the week. Of course, you know you also need ingredients for breakfast (cereal, eggs, bagels) and ingredients for lunch (sandwiches, fruit, snacks). In that case, write out the ingredients for each of those meals ahead of time and use it as your core grocery shopping list.

Cook in batches

Cooking in batches is a great way to save some cash provided you don’t mind some meals doing double-duty. By making more food than you need on the nights you actually cook, you can use them as leftovers in the next day’s lunch or dinner. If you cook a lot more than you need, you could also freeze individual portions for future meals.

Clean out your pantry once per month

Last but not least, one of the easiest ways to save money on food is to eliminate food waste.

Each month, clean out your pantry, fridge and freezer. Identify which items are soon to expire, and focus on those first. Get creative, and see what you can throw together to make a healthy, tasty meal. You might surprise yourself and your family — in a good way! Make it a fun game to see how little food you can throw out each week.

10. Cut non-essentials

Cable

If you’re paying out the nose for cable television and don’t watch it enough to justify the cost, it’s time to dial down your package or drop cable altogether. With a Roku Box and Netflix or Hulu, you can get streaming television for less than $20 per month. Check your Amazon subscription and phone plan to see what free streaming services are included.

Limit restaurant meals

Instead of dining out 3-4 times per week, set a goal of once or twice. Tell your kids (over and over) that eating out is a special treat — not something you do on a whim in the middle of the week.

11. Find cheap or free things to do

Finding cheap or free things to do can be a huge money-saver. Look for free museum days, free entry to water parks, and free events put on by your city or local businesses.

Hiking, picnics, hikes, family bike rides and beach days are all free, create great memories and are healthy ways to appreciate the outdoors and each other’s company.

12. Be intentional with what you buy

Whatever your kids need for fun, buy it used. If they’re into video games, buy their game consoles and games second-hand from stores like GameStop or local sellers through Facebook groups, Craigslist, or sites like Craigslist. If your kids are into sports, buy used gear online or through their peers.

“Buy used” is the most generic advice out there when it comes to saving on clothes, but it’s also the best and most feasible tip to follow. Clothes depreciate in value at rapid speed, and that means you can save a lot (often more than 60 – 70 percent off) by buying used clothes for yourself and your kids.

You don’t have to go to garage sales though. You can buy used clothing online through websites like ThredUp.com, Poshmark, through neighborhood Facebook groups, or from people you know.

Hit up consignment stores

Consignment stores offer some of the best and highest quality used clothing you can find, but the prices are usually pretty low. Check local consignment shops for business attire, work out clothes, or fancy dresses you won’t wear often. Meanwhile, teen-focused consignment stores can help you afford the best brands for your kids – at a discount.

Sell what you don’t wear

While buying from consignment stores is a smart idea, so it selling clothes you and your kids no longer wear. When you sell your clothing or take a payout to consign them, you can turn around and spend that cash on new clothes you’ll actually put to use.

Choose quality

While it’s tempting to buy cheap clothes from China online or shop only at discount clothing stores, cheaply-made clothing doesn’t tend to last long. This is a lot more important for you than your kids, as they grow out of clothes in about a minute (as you know). You’ll be better off if you buy high quality pieces that will stand the test of time, specifically if you buy them second-hand.

Buy timeless pieces and avoid trends

Since fashion is often fleeting, you’ll save a bundle if you avoid most of the trends and purchase timeless pieces instead. Remember when Juicy Couture tracksuits were in style? Or when head-to-toe denim was actually a thing? Yeah, me neither.

Bottom line: How can a single parent save?

You may find your situation immensely frustrating, but it’s important to know you’re not alone. A recent survey from CNBC2 noted that 58 percent of American workers are living paycheck-to-paycheck — meaning most of us are struggling to keep up with bills or save money each month. The survey also found roughly 70% said they feel stressed about their finances, mostly due to inflation, economic uncertainty and rising interest rates.

The best way to be more financially comfortable is to focus on earning more.

Thanks to technology (like your phone!), and growing company demand for smart, hard workers, flexible, at-home jobs are readily available in every industry — including traditional fields like nursing, teaching, engineering, project management, bookkeeping, proofreading and more. 

For more, check out our list of career-level jobs that are great for moms.


SOURCES

  1. “Food Prices and Spending, 2021” https://www.ers.usda.gov/data-products/ag-and-food-statistics-charting-the-essentials/food-prices-and-spending/?topicId=2b168260-a717-4708-a264-cb354e815c67
  2. “With inflation stubbornly high, 58% of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck: CNBC survey,” April 11, 2023 https://www.cnbc.com/2023/04/11/58percent-of-americans-are-living-paycheck-to-paycheck-cnbc-survey-reveals.html

The world tells single moms that there are no good men available to us, and we are destined to be lonely. Not true. Here is how to attract a quality man, find love, a boyfriend and even a husband, and enjoy a healthy relationship.

When I was growing up, my divorced mom dated a lot, but she drilled into me her mantra: A good man is hard to find.

My mom was angry at herself — and still is, 40 years after her divorce! — for choosing her now-ex-husband, my dad. This colored how I dated, and married, and then dated again after my own divorce.

Throughout my life I have been involved with really wonderful men. Today I am very happily celebrating a three-year relationship with a divorced, single dad who is hot, smart, successful, great lover, adores my kids and me to pieces, and is very interested in commitment and marriage.

But the early, negative messages I received about men, dating, marriage, and love have plagued me throughout my life. I see so many women held back by similar messages, and negative experiences with men.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of negative messages about single moms on the dating scene, and dating after a marriage ended. The common messages include:

“There are no good men out there at this stage of the game.”

“All the good men are taken at our age.”

“Good guys are not interested in dating women with kids.”

In my experience, single dads are very keen on dating single moms (and can be great partners who get it), and this dating coach insists that good and successful men are interested in women with children.

In this post, we will explore:

How to get over your ex

  1. Unfollow him on all social media. 
  2. “Does my husband miss me?”
  3. Good men exist. 
  4. Grieve. 
  5. Stay busy. 
  6. Focus on the kids. 
  7. Get laid. 
  8. Forgive your ex.

How to find love

What should you do if you want a boyfriend

Ready to move on? Where to find a boyfriend

How to get over your ex

There is a difference between feeling lonely, desiring a romantic partnership, and trying to get over a divorce or breakup.

You can be very happy with a full social life and crave a boyfriend.

You can be lonely and have lots of friends.

You can be grieving a boyfriend or husband, and not want to date or have a boyfriend.

It’s all good!

If you are trying to get over a divorce or breakup, you may find yourself stalking his Facebook and Instagram, seeing if any cute new female followers are hearting his posts, and seeing if your ex-boyfriend is in a rebound relationship.

Here are steps to getting over your ex:

1. Unfollow him on all social media. 

Do not look at any of his accounts, or that of any women you think he is dating or interested in. 

2. “Does my husband miss me?” 

Do not ask mutual friends ‘Does my ex miss me?’ It doesn’t matter if he misses you.

3. Good men exist. 

Say that over and over. Start to believe. Accept that the relationship is over, and that there are good men out there worthy of your love, body, time and life. In other words: He is not the last man on Earth.

4. Grieve. 

I wrote this about why my first, post-divorce breakup was so painful and hard to get over. It is important to sit with the pain, understand it, and work through it. Therapy can help. Time alone is important, especially if you have never been single, or not been single for a long time.

5. Stay busy. 

Schedule positive activities, including spending time with positive people, caring for your health, fitness and wellness, hobbies, and building your career.

6. Focus on the kids. 

If you have kids with your ex, focus on positive co-parenting — and not on your broken relationship.

7. Hook up with someone. 

Sex and dating when you trying to get over an ex is a slippery slope — some fun and sex can be a great distraction and help you move on, but without some controls and restraint it can be easy to slip into patterns you are trying to break — like dating assholes.

8. Forgive your ex. 

Ever feel like your beef with someone – maybe with an ex, or even a friend or a boss – is getting to your head? Maybe you feel the negative effects of a grudge sending you spinning, weighing you down.

I’ll admit it. I have a very active mental life, emotional life, creative life, and one of the things I’m really bad at is letting things go. But I know, and you know, that thoughts are energy, and energy manifests in your life. So, I have developed a way to change this negative pattern.

In this episode, I’ll show you how you can start cultivating more positivity in your life with just one simple trick.

Because, although your anger and resentment is for someone else, it’s affecting you and your loved ones. You deserve to clear your mind, once and for all.

What to know about dating while going through a divorce

Stuck being angry at your ex? Try this easy trick …

Emma: You know what? One of my many shortcomings is that I have a very active mental life, emotional life, creative life, but one of the things I’m really bad at is letting things go. I find myself having arguments with people that I have had beef with, in my head, over and over. I know, and you know, that thoughts are energy, and energy manifests in your life. I have developed a tool and a trick to change this.

I want you to think about this. If you have an ex, especially an ex-husband or partner, who is the father of your kids, this is so critical. It might also apply if you’re angry if your mom, or your boss, or past boss, friend you’re having a fight with or had a fight with five years ago that you can’t let go of, those are the worst. I have been there, and I’m so guilty of that.

This is what I want you to do right now. You might do it out loud, or you might write it down, but I want you to come up with a list of ten positive things about your ex. Ten positive things. I’m going to do mine in a minute. I’m in a good place with my ex, but trust me, I’ve not always been there at all. Things have been really ugly over the years here and there. I’m going to share a list of ten because once you start doing it, it feels so good you could go on forever.

The value of this is to get you out of that spiraling negativity and start to focus on the positive. That’s kind of the obvious. You’ve probably already figured that one out. When you start to focus on the positive, you’ve already been focusing on the negative things you hate about this person, all of their shortcomings, all a sudden you start to see this person as a person, a fallible human being, just like you and just like me. Really, this is a process of healing and forgiveness.

When you are seeing the bad and good in someone, you are able to see the bad and good in yourself and everybody else around you. This is how humans are. There is not one single being on this planet that is not both negative and positive, that does not have shortcomings but also many wonderful qualities. I am here to tell you, every single person does.

Why saying positive things about someone changes your whole life:

When you start reframing this person, you start reframing your relationship with them. Face it, you chose that person. You chose them to marry, you chose them to hook up with, to have a baby with. There was choice.

Then, suddenly you start to see that all that anger is really maybe not at that person. Maybe you’re really angry at yourself for choosing that person. Maybe you’re angry at yourself for the relationship not working out. Or you’re angry with yourself because you can’t come to a place of peace with them right now. It really is an act of forgiveness and humanity towards yourself.

Maybe you miss the other person. No matter how bad things were in the marriage, ex-husbands miss their wives, and ex-wives do miss their husbands.

All a sudden, there’s a very, very interesting byproduct of this. That is, when you organically start to work out some of your stuff in the relationship with this person, this translates into how you talk about your ex, or your kid’s dad, and other people in your life. All a sudden, it does not become this black and white, good and bad, angel and devil. That’s not real. That’s a fake, weird, perspective on life. That is not human.

Why forgiving your ex makes you a better mom

Now you are more easily able to share positive memories with your kids. You’re able to point out the positive qualities that their dad has. Or maybe this is their grandparents or a friend that’s in your lives, or your neighbor. All the sudden, you are communicating with your kid that you love all of them. You love all of your child. You love the parts of your child that remind him of you, and you love the parts of your child that remind your child of his dad. It’s also telling your child that you really love your child. When you paint people as black and white, they are either in or out. Your child knows that he has some shortcomings and not great qualities, and it makes your child more confident in your love because now you are expressing that you are able to love all of your child, the good, and the bad, and the ugly. That’s very hard to communicate when you paint somebody else important in your child’s life as purely bad.

I want you to try it. Communicate with yourself first and see how this translates into other relationships in your life, by listing ten things that you love, loved, or appreciate about your ex. I will be part of this too. I will go first.

My list of positive things about my ex:

  • My ex is super funny. To this day, he can crack me up.
  • He is politically very progressive.
  • I like that he is interesting and does very interesting things in the world. He volunteers. He takes classes.
  • He’s a good dad. He is there for his kids. He teaches his kids stuff. He’s strict with them in a way that I don’t find easy to be.
  • Many times, he has supported me when I’ve had challenges with my kids. Not too long ago when he was dropping them off, right in front of the kids, I was like, “You know what? We have a problem in our house with the kids back-talking to me all the time.” Right then and there, he gave them a talking to about respecting their mom and being grateful that they have good parents. Man, I will tell you what, it changed my household. I am very grateful to him for that.
  • My ex has good taste. He buys the kids clothes all the time. He buys them much nicer clothes than I would ever buy, and they look cute, and that’s because of him.
  • He’s very talented in his career. He works in video and he’s very competent.
  • He has a great work ethic, which I hope that my children acquire.
  • My ex just adores the kids. He adores and loves them in a way that I would hope any child could benefit from.
  • He’s smart. He’s smart in ways that I’m not, like a facility with languages, and a visual intelligence and a physical intelligence that I don’t possess.
  • He’s a good person. He really is a good person.

How to deal when your ex cheated

How to deal when you are a mom who pays child support or alimony

How to find love

When we talk about how to find love, most people assume we’re talking about romantic love — how to find a boyfriend, a lover, a husband or wife or partner.

Here is what many people don’t talk about: Loving people attract love. There is one love, and it manifests in many different forms, including platonic love friendships, love we have for our children and families, love for your communities and country, passion you bring to a job you love, as well as love for pets, community service and a spiritual practice.

All love comes from the same, divine source, but manifests in different ways and forms.

But all love shares the same essence, including romantic love for a man:

Open-mindedness: You see men as your equals, who are equally capable of goodness, kindness and love. You do not presume men are bumbling fools, incapable parents, sloppy, or that men always cheat.

Forgiveness: You don’t punish new men you meet for bad things that men did to you in the past. Each new person you meet is an individual worthy of consideration.

Healthy boundaries: You love yourself enough to disallow poor treatment from others. You also have a deep sense of your self-worth, and do not expect another person to fulfill you, be your one true love, or otherwise have unreasonable expectations of the person or relationship.

Accept responsibility for the relationship: When things don’t feel good, or don’t go how you’d hoped, or you get your ass dumped, seek to understand what you brought to the situation. It always takes two, equally.

A good man is hard to find — right?

When I was newly single, with an infant and toddler, I ran into a neighbor I’m friends with in the elevator. “He’s moving out,” I said, barely holding back tears, the baby whimpering on my chest in a carrier, my daughter in the stroller between the middle-aged woman and me.

“That’s too bad,” she said. “It will be hard for you to find someone else.”

She was not being cruel. She was stating her belief, neutrally.

We are about the same height. I locked eyes with hers. Did not flinch. My face was neutral, too.

“Fuck you,” I said.

*Ding.* The elevator hopped to a stop. It was my floor. I pushed my little family out. Said nothing more.

I’d like to say I forgot those words, but I didn’t. I thought about that elevator scene. I worried she was right, that my single-mother status was a lifelong sentence of loneliness. After all, there are literally no positive and realistic models for adult women who have kids dating and enjoying romance and sex in a positive way.

Instead, women are inundated with very sexist and negative messages about dating … Messages like:

There are no good guys out there at this stage … and the few that are left don’t want to date a woman with kids.

Dating sets a bad example for your kids. 

Dating steals quality time from your kids.

It’s too much work / takes too much time. You should be focused on your career (and, of course, the kids).

Men like young, skinny women — not mom bods.

You’ll only get hurt.

If you involved with a man and it ends, your kids will get hurt. And you’d be responsible. 

And on and on.

I told myself each and every one of those negative messages (even when my horrible neighbor wasn’t drilling them into me).

But after a while of healing from my divorce, and being incredibly lonely (not to mention horny), I dipped my toe into dating. Then I found a wonderful boyfriend. When that ended, I started dating. A lot. And in the past few years I’ve had so much fun and learned so much through my romantic life.

I hear from women like you every day who tell me they often think about dating, but don’t. Women who, like every other human, get lonely. You see happy couples and would also like to sit across the table at a nice restaurant from a good man. To talk about your day with someone who cares. Maybe you just want to go for a beer and dance. Or to walk in the street and hold a man’s hand, and feel like a woman.

What you believe becomes reality.

Fact: Many women find that dating after marriage ended, or otherwise dating as a single mom, is the best time to date. One of the reasons (I can attest to this) is that the men are older, wise and better at this stage of life.

However, what you believe can easily be influenced by what you hear, and what you surround yourself with.

If you hang out in certain crowds, like many divorced women, women who are single but would prefer to have boyfriends or husbands, women who suffered trauma at the hands of men, etc., you will hear these messages:

All men cheat.

Men are spoiled children.

Men don’t do their share at home.

Men suck.

If you believe these generalizations, you are likely to experience sucky men. This is because:

  • Humans like to be right. We seek out experiences that validate our current expectations.
  • If you hate men, or otherwise have a poor opinion of the entire masculine gender, good men will not be attracted to you. Because good men love themselves, they love women, and they love women who love men. However, negative men are attracted to negative women. There are plenty of both in the world. There are also lots of wonderful, good men — who are looking for positive women who love men.

Life after divorce — 3 things you can do now to move on

When women bash men, what I really hear is fear. Fear of getting your heart broken. Fear of being hurt again. Fear of being vulnerable and trusting, and having that trust broken.

When women say there are no good men out there, what you are really saying is:

I am afraid I will never find love.

I worry I am not worthy of a good man.

I am afraid of being alone.

How soon after a marriage ended to start dating

Quick answer: You can start dating again any time you want. The thrill of being desired by new men, the excitement of tasting the new life ahead of you may be exactly what you need after a big, nasty breakup.

Long answer: Dating and seeking a relationship are different things, and when you are a steaming hot mess after a divorce, it can be very hard to tell the difference. It is easy to get swept into a big relationship that is all wrong.

Give yourself the gift of time. Time to heal. Time to explore. Time to play and have fun. Time to get to know yourself better, and understand what truly makes you happy. Lots of moms find they prefer living alone, or staying single, or cohabiting with friends, or living on the road, or any number of other arrangements they would never have imagined, but found, haphazardly, after a marriage ended, or as a single mom.

If you’re hung up on finding the one, or connecting with your soulmate, or otherwise desperately figuring out how long after a marriage ended you can remarry, I urge you to pause. Keep in mind that you likely believed your now-ex was the one. And if marriage was so great in and of itself, why are the divorce rates for remarriage so high — and why are you divorced?

There is nothing wrong with seeking a serious, loving, committed relationship, including marriage. But let’s collectively work together to debunk the myth of the Disney Princess soulmate, and the notion that marriage is the answer to human happiness.

What should you do if you want a boyfriend as a single mom

For about six years after my divorce (I took a year off from men before I started dating), I had every type of romantic entanglement: a zillion first dates, many second dates, a whole bunch of hook-ups, a long-distance love affair with a single dad in Denmark, a couple boyfriends of a year or less, and a ton of online flirting, waiting for texts that may or may not have arrived, and a lot of other experiences I’ve blocked out.

It was all wonderful, interesting, sometimes heartbreaking, prone to personal development, too much money spent on waxes, and otherwise a great experience to have in my 30s, that many women do not get to enjoy because they are busying being married.

Finally, I’d had enough dating. I decided I wanted a serious boyfriend.

What does having a boyfriend mean?

In general, having a boyfriend means:

You and the man decided that you are committed to each other, and a relationship with one another. This typically means a monogamous relationship, but can mean other arrangements that you mutually agree to. Unlike a lover, or friend with benefits, a boyfriend is part of your life, and is invited to meet your friends, family, and children — if you’re a single mom or dad.

In a boyfriend-girlfriend partnership, the relationship is an entity requiring care. You have regular talks about how each of you feel in the relationship, what the relationship needs, the boundaries and future of the partnership. Each of you is committed to working to make sure the other person is cared for, as well as that the relationship is cared for. A boyfriend makes you a priority, and you make him a priority — sometimes even above your children.

In other words, a boyfriend is someone with whom you share relationship goals.

Relationship goals

#relationshipgoals is a funny Instagram, Twitter and Facebook hashtag, that people attach to memes, pics and phrases that summarize things they want in their own relationship — whether a relationship you are currently in, or a relationship you hope for.

Example of a relationship goal:

find boyfriend relationship goals

Relationship goals can include everything from silly things like (for me) the fact that my boyfriend knows that unloading the dishwasher is my least-favorite kitchen cleanup activity, and always takes over this chore when we spend time together.

I posted this pic of me squatting my boyfriend, and someone commented with #relationship goals:

Good relationship goals might not include finding a 200-lb man willing to let you squat him, or expecting your partner to fly across an ocean and continent to watch reality TV when you have the blues. Good relationship goals can include abstract things like feeling validated (unloading the dishwasher for-real makes me feel validated), commitment to the relationship, financial security, honesty, fun, and a 10.″

Ways to set relationship goals start with you, but should be flexible. Write down all the things that you do want in a relationship.

Get out there. Assess and reassess as you date. When you find yourself in a serious relationship with a boyfriend, bring up relationship goals you can set together. But don’t lose sight of your own goals — which may or may not be met in your relationship, which will help you know whether your boyfriend is the right one for you, long-term.

How to comfort a friend going through divorce or breakup

How do I get a boyfriend?

Before I share with you tips and tricks for finding men who want a serious relationship, I have some tough love for you:

Work on yourself first.

Let’s get real: None of us will ever truly understand ourselves, or be rid of our baggage 100%, or work through our neuroses. I’m still working through lingering daddy issues, and still get really fucking mad at my ex-husband, and have to remind myself sometimes that my boyfriend really does love me for who I am (and not just my killer BJs ;) )

Time is a great healer. Learning to enjoy your own company is a great way to grow, and be an attractive partner.

I believe that spending time with people who are either happily single, or in a relationship that you really respect are great ways to absorb healthy relationship attitudes and vibes.

Of course, therapy is a wonderful way to work out your issues — as well as feel assured that you are not losing your mind, but in fact are a perfectly normal, lovable woman.

Online therapy sites are a great option because they are affordable, convenient, and offer thousands of counselors to choose from. This is my list of the best online therapy sites. BetterHelp offers plans starting at $65/week for unlimited messaging and weekly live sessions.

What do you want in a boyfriend?

I’m not asking you to commit to this list. This is not a final step, but the very first, beginner step in finding a relationship that will work for you.

Make a list of all the qualities you want in a man. These can include his personality, lifestyle (whether he smokes or drinks takes care of his physical health), spirituality, religion, sexual compatibility, career, income, financial habits, whether or not he ever wants to live together or wants to get married or not (because you may actually prefer dating a guy who never gets married).

Again, this is just to get started. Write down all the things you crave in a boyfriend.

Write down how being with this man makes you feel.

Next, write down why this man will bring value to your life.

Add why YOU deserve this man, and what you bring into his life.

Struggling with self-confidence? I wrote How to feel confident and sexy when you feel old, fat and gross.

I repeated this manifestation exercise every day for months. In short: It works.

Ready to move on? Where to find a boyfriend

Of course, you can meet a good man anywhere: Your kids’ school, the playground, a bar, work, through friends, on the street. You can meet a good man in a bookstore, at the beach, your local coffee shop, and of course through an online dating app.

Whether you are looking for a regular person to go for dinner and sex, or you want to know how to find a man who wants to get married, I am a huge fan of online dating for single parents.

Online dating apps and sites allow you to browse and connect with hundreds of men in a single evening — from home, with no need to hire a babysitter or buy a new top — making dating sites the most time and money efficient ways to find a boyfriend.

Here is a roundup of the best dating apps and sites for single parents.

For finding a serious relationship, a boyfriend or a husband, eharmony is the leader:

  • Free 150-point personality report
  • 100% of members are proven to be real (no catfishing or married people!)
  • Free version
  • For paid memberships, eharmony has one of the lowest prices.
  • A+ Better Business Bureau rating
  • Video dating

There is a better-than-average chance that your family doesn’t look like the Cleavers. Our survey of 2,279 single moms found that the majority of single moms are primary or sole caregivers for their kids, the majority support shared parenting and most struggle financially.

What is a single parent household?

What are the disadvantages of a single parent family?

What effect does a single parent household have on a child?

Traditional family vs. non-traditional family

Benefits of non-traditional families

Arguments against marriage

My single mom family definition

What is a single parent household?

Single-parent family definition: What is a single parent family called?

This one is equally controversial. In a bout of the misery Olympics, women forever bitterly debate the right to call themselves a “single mom.” Some people believe this title is not allowed for any parent who has an active co-parent, or receives child support, or has a live-in romantic partner or new husband, or any romantic partner at all (because, by definition, she is no longer single).

29 rules for co-parenting with even the most toxic ex

The Census Bureau defines as a single-parent household any family in which the primary adult in a home including children is not married. These and other statistics deduce that a single-mother household automatically means that the children are fatherless. This is not always the case. A child raised by a single mother can have an actively involved dad whom he or she sees regularly, a step-father, or biological parents who live together in a committed relationship, but are not married. There are countless other ways that children are raised by both mothers and fathers that census efforts do not accurately measure.

I define a single-parent household as any person who chooses to call themselves a single parent, except for overwhelmed married mothers who are angry at their husbands for not helping enough, or travel a lot for work. Those women need to go away.

More on federal and global statistics about single motherhood

What are the disadvantages of a single parent family? What is the effect of a “broken family”?

Statistically, single-parent households are more likely to experience poverty, and children who live with just one parent, especially if the other parent is not equally involved, are more likely to struggle academically, emotionally, in health and with long-term issues. 

What effect does a single parent household have on a child?

Do children of single parents have more problems?

“Children growing up with a single mother are exposed to more family instability and complexity, they have more behavior problems, and they are less likely to finish high school or attend college than children raised by both of their parents.

On the other hand, these differences in children’s behavior and success might well be traceable to differences that would exist even if the biological father were present.”

Sara McLanahan is professor of sociology and public affairs at Princeton University. Christopher Jencks is professor of social policy at the Harvard Kennedy School.

Traditional family vs. non-traditional family

Today, two-parent, monogamous, heterosexual traditional families (by definition) are the weirdos. Statistically, they are a 49 percent minority — a figure poised to plummet in our lifetimes. After all, of the 10.9 million single parent households, 80% are headed by a single woman (according to 2022 U.S. Census Bureau data), marriage rates are at a record low in the United States — and around the globe. LGBTQ, multi-generation and other household configurations are on the rise. 

Traditional family definition

For reference: the definition of a Nuclear family is a family unit consisting only of parents and their children, though it is understood to be straight, married parents, a.k.a. a “traditional family.”

Non-traditional family definitions

There are any number of other family configurations, but here are some of the most common:

Broken family definition

This is a dated term, and I urge you in my quest to phase it out. “Broken family” refers to divorced or separated families, or single-parent families. It implies (strongly) that there is something wrong, something very broken, because it does not fit into the traditional family mould.

Where to find affordable life insurance for single moms (no medical exam)

Modern family definition

‘Modern family,’ or “alternative family” is a general description of any family outside of that traditional, nuclear model, and can include step-parents, grandparents, gay parents, adoptive and foster families, single-parents by choice, collective groups of people who find creative ways to live together or raise children, or otherwise create community.

However, academics and historians broaden the scope of this discussion to point out that until the past 100 to 150 years, family was focused on economic survival (via family-owned land, farms and business), gender roles (today women and men share child and economic labor much more equally than in the past), religious and academic education (which has been outsourced to churches and state-run schools), as well as social units, as class, friendships and marriages today are considered to be individual endeavors, opposed to closely tied to one’s family of origin. 

Blended family definition

Blended families typically refer to step-families, or households where the parents each have children from previous marriages or relationships, and may have children together as well. The children in a blended family may have step-siblings and half-siblings from both their mother and father.

What is the success rate of blended families?

According to the U.S. Census Bureau and the 20-year Virginia Longitudinal Study of Divorce and Remarriage conducted by E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Virginia, more than 60 percent and up to 73 percent of all marriages involving children from a previous relationship ultimately fail.

Research from the United Kingdom found that kids from homes with different types of family structures were equally successful academically because of their family stability, not their family type. 

How can a blended family be successful?

Single mom by choice definition

Single mothers by choice typically are considered unpartnered women who actively seek out sperm by way of a friend or sperm bank, and have a child without a romantic partner. You can also become a single mom by choice by way of adoption, or foster parenting.

It can be argued that you are a single mom by choice if you got pregnant outside of a relationship, the biological father chose not to be involved, and you chose not to abort or put the baby up for adoption.

Benefits of non-traditional families

As I personally see fewer and fewer marriages that I aspire to, and more and more happy thriving people in all kinds of configurations outside of June and Ward Cleaver, my own assumption about what my romantic and family life should look like has settled into more than acceptance of the status quo, but rather a thrill in enjoying the life I have created. In other words:

My family is complete, and yours is, too.

I urge you to accept this, not only for the political benefit of all families, everywhere, but also for your own well being. Saying your family is whole does not mean there is no room for more people, or that you are closed off to romantic love and partnership — far from it. It means you accept your family for what it is, now, as complete. If you go through life with the sense of a gaping hole in your heart, life and family, a hole that can only be filled with a man, you are indeed likely to fill that hole with a man — and the wrong one. And if you go through life believing that your family is incomplete, this informs your parenting, which you do from a place of shame and with a sense of scarcity, opposed to acceptance and pride.

While absentee fathers is a big issue, that creates many documented issues for children and society, there are many benefits to raising children in non-traditional families. These include:

  • If your modern family includes loving step-parents and their step-grandparents, as well as a healthy mix of new siblings, this can mean more emotional, logistical and financial support for the children. Plus, more people who love the kids, and more people for them to love.
  • Studies conclude that kids raised by gay parents fare just as well in school as those raised in “traditional,” straight families.
  • Studies found that kids raised in step-families receive just as much parental involvement as those raised in homes headed by the biological mother and father.
  • Many adults who were raised in non-traditional families say that their childhood family structure gave them the confidence that they had to power to create a family that works for them — and not default to societal norms.

Hey single mom— Do you tell your son he’s the man of the house? 16 tips for raising sons

Arguments against marriage

Science, I love you. But, also, speaking off the cuff: It is hard to find a reason to marry. I’ll skip the history of marriage, its 10,000-year history of matching powerless women with men for everyone’s economic and political security, and the mere 150-year history of love marriage, which, citing the above divorce rates, has proven to be a disaster.

I’ll go straight to summing up our lives today: Very few things you or I do every day has anything to do with any tradition. You likely work in an industry that has been invented in the past 10 years, or completely changed in that time. The fact that you are a female and have equal rights to attend university, earn, open a bank account, vote and own property are facts in their blissful springtime. The way you eat, socialize, raise your kids, your sexual politics, all have nothing to do with any tradition at all. So, why, especially after finding yourself an unmarried mom, would you be excited to wear a white (huh?) dress and a man’s 2.5 month’s salary and try to shoehorn yourself into a box that is rooted in another century — or millennium?

9 reasons dating is better as a single mom

I am all for you doing you. I really am. But let’s think about this for a minute.

I was pleasantly surprised that the Millionaire moms were over it. Most of them happily so. It is tough to live outside that box and forge your own way. I know I have received lots of pressure from well-meaning family, neighbors, and men I’ve been involved with to have a “real family” — you know, with a man. A man I’m married to. Living in the same house.

I try to give them the benefit of doubt, understand that this is simply an uncreative way of approaching life, one limited to simply what one knows — something we are all guilty of at some time or another (I still cannot shake the advice my mom gave me 30 years ago: “Never wear open-toe shoes without your toenails painted!” Or the rule that a meal is incomplete if it does not feature meat, a vegetable, starch (ha!), and dairy). But when faced with facts, and given the freedom to live one’s own life in such unprecedented freedom, it becomes irresponsible to lazily follow the herd on to the marriage train. Again.

When I was at the height of my family drama a few years ago, my mom – also a single mother for most of my life – comforted me. “You and Helena and Lucas are a whole family,” she assured. I was a little surprised. That we weren’t never occurred me. But I could see that had been a struggle for her. After all,  she was part of that crush of divorces in the 70s and 80s that followed her own very 50s nuclear-family upbringing. Raising children alone didn’t look a thing like what she had known “family” to be.

An upside of being raised by a single mom is that once you become one yourself, it’s less of a shock to your paradigm. I was chatting with a single dad friend who said he’s struggled so with single parenthood because family is so important to him. That shook me a little – I mean, family is important to me, too. My family just looks different than a J.Crew catalog. And I’m pretty cool with that.

26 reasons being a single mom is awesome — according to other single moms!

Just yesterday Helena and I were talking about families, and how each one is different. Some kids live with a mom and a dad, others with their grandparents. If her dad remarries, she’d have a stepmom – or if I do, a stepdad. When our friend Matthew goes on dates, he goes with other men (to which she noted: “And some families have two daddies. And then they put their penises together to make a girl baby.” Oh. Good to know.).

“I’m slowly accepting that the kids, my ex and I are still a family,” my friend said. I’m not sure I agree 100 percent. Of course many of us are involved with our exes, and as Helena so sagely noted, family can mean anything we can imagine. I hope to be closer with my own ex for lots of reasons including what that might tech our kids, and also to maintain a relationship that has been part of my life for a long time. But the reality is that when we divorce, we start new families – those that includes our respective exes less than before. We build new lives that are separate from our former husbands – in different romantic relationships, different homes and separate time spent with the kids.

That doesn’t make it any easier for all parties involved. Helena has sometimes disparagingly compared our’s to other families. And while we all want to feel normal and accepted, the reality is: life sometimes stinks. And then it goes on. And then we find a new normal, which will ultimately be upturned sooner or later. And each time, we pull ourselves together, gather our loved ones close, and find that we are still — remarkably — whole.

My single mom family definition

Last month, as part of our big Midwestern single parent family roadtrip, my kids and I stayed for 10 days in a gorgeous five-bedroom turn-of-the-century lake house in northern Michigan, a home swap with the older couple who live there and, in turn, stayed at my apartment in Queens.

The kids and I drove more than six hours from Niagra Falls that day, still fresh road warriors a mere few days into the adventure. As we cruised by Toronto and up through the fields of Michigan, I thought a lot about a good friend whose mother recently passed away. There was a line in her obituary that got me:

“They lived in Biloxi, M.S., Fulda, Germany, and Rapid City, S.D. In October, 1968, they returned to Illinois to continue to build their life and family together.”

Build their life. 

Together. 

A lot of the time I am happy in my single-mom life. The kids and I have a good thing going, they’re turning into great people. I am building my business, and as a family we have friendships and family relationships that grow. But a whole lot of my time and energy is spent dating guys who are not part of my family. People who pass through. While they might be fun or interesting or help me figure my stuff out, I am not building anything with anyone. Much of the time, I feel I am just passing through motherhood and family. Doing a fine job keeping the ship afloat. But building not much.

At our Michigan destination, the Subaru cruised into the beautiful resort town just as the son was setting over Lake Michigan, and pulled into the driveway of our temporary home. It was 9 p.m., we were all hungry, but ran through the rooms of the this giant house, which was far lovelier than the online pictures. Being from the Midwest, I have known many big old homes, and this was an excellent one, the kind with solid walls and surrounded by giant Sycamore trees, both of which leave the house cooler inside than outside in the summer.

Scattered throughout the house were many family pictures of the hosts, Harry and Nancy, in their 70s, and glowing and smiling alongside four of five grown, blond children with their handsome spouses and a mess of blond grandkids of all ages who appeared to excel in nautical sport.

The home was so lovely, filled with very good antiques and lots of floral bedspreads that coordinate perfectly with drapes and rugs without being stuffy — but rather call to be featured in Traditional Home magazine.

This is a real family home, I thought. I imagined this couple must have known each other since college. That she must have stayed home with the kids and devoted herself to this beautiful place and her beautiful blond children and her smiling, committed husband with whom she is nuzzled in the silver-framed photo on the walnut dresser in the giant master suite that I now occupied. This is why women stay home. To create all this wonderfulness. 

While my own kids ran through the rooms, turning on all the lights and deciding which rooms would be theirs (sharing a room in our apartment, they opted to sleep in the same queen bed all week), I hit the kitchen, outfitted with an enormous assortment of good china, endless baking tools and a second refrigerator in the adjoining pantry where Nancy, clearly a prolific cook, kept an overflow of excellent cheese, beer and condiments.

I could hear the kids squabbling upstairs, and in the kitchen I, too, felt exhausted and ornery. The car would need to be unpacked, towels located. But first I had to feed my kids. My children were hungry. 

I wasn’t at my quickest. Not sure what foods might be rude to use from the kitchen. What would be quick and tasty to cook. The assortment of bottles and cans and boxes and pans and utensils was so vast, so overwhelming. Harry and Nancy were so perfect. I was such a mess. I couldn’t even feed my children in that moment, much less build a life for them. I am a failure in this moment. And I am a failure in life! I thought, and a giant, desperate sob overtook me before I was able to collect myself and boil some expensive, imported pasta in a shape I had never seen before.

The next day I called a contact Nancy had left for me, and the lovely woman who contributes to the local magazine came by to chat about kids and writing. I asked what she might tell me about my hosts. “Oh Nancy was a divorced mom, too — for many years,” she said. “Her first husband was a terrible alcoholic, and she was a successful real estate agent here.”

I laughed. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Because, really Nancy. Oh Nancy! I had told myself so many stories about who you are, and they had nothing to do with anything at all except for my own bullshit. My own bullshit about not being or doing enough. That everyone has it better than me. That out there, somewhere, there is a perfect family in a perfect big house on the lake that a stay-at-home mom decorated and bakes all the live-long day so that her gorgeous, functional extended family can come together for weekends and drama-free holidays.

When I got done laughing, I started to see. I saw that yes, Nancy, you have some lovely traditional oil paintings that coordinated perfectly in your rooms that are indeed traditional, but also so graciously laid out and in colors like bright apricot or the palest of lime green that are quite modern and sophisticated. Your art collection was not what it first appears, but includes sly folk pieces, like a painting featuring a 3D papier-mâché woman with the hand written words: “She looked in the mirror to find her youth had disappeared. The bitch never even bothered to say goodbye.”

Your books throughout the house — a wall in one of the sitting rooms, on end tables, not to mention the cookbook collection spilling from the kitchen to the breakfast room — say a lot about a person. But in the master bedroom, between two windows opposite the king-sized bed, is that narrow shelf of titles that I could not help but imagine are your favorite. Carson McCullers, Memoirs of a Geisha, biographies of Hillary Clinton and female Muslim activist Ayaan Hirsi Ali. Nancy, you are smart, and you are edgy. Complex. You’ve been through it, just like everyone. Just like me.

Struggling with single mom guilt? Worried that you are failing your kids? Read: How to overcome 9 stereotypes keeping you broke

What is a single parent household?

The Census Bureau defines as a single-parent household any family in which the primary adult in a home including children is not married.

What are the disadvantages of a single parent family?

Statistically, single-parent households are more likely to experience poverty, and children who live with just one parent, especially if the other parent is not equally involved, are more likely to struggle academically, emotionally, in health and with long-term issues.

Is your spouse distant? Depressed? Are you worried your husband or wife is having an affair?

It is important to know the clues and be on the lookout for signs that your husband or wife wants to leave you.

This article outlines 15 signs your marriage will end in divorce. Here is how to tell if your husband or wants divorce or signs your wife wants to leave you and what you should do if you spot some of the signs:

What are the first signs of divorce

1. Sex stops, or sex starts to suck

2. They stop arguing with you

3. He or she spends more time with their own friends or family members than before — and less with you

4. General contempt and disrespect

5. Your husband becomes evasive or stops caring about future plans, whether planning vacations, holidays, home repairs — all now irrelevant because they are out of there

Financial signs of divorce

6. They are suddenly interested in the family finances, after leaving the money management to the other spouse

7. Using assets or credit in ways you hadn’t discussed

8. Intercept of financial or legal documents

9. Lots of talk about how poorly their business is doing

10. Refusal of a stay-at-home parent to get a job, or a lesser-earning spouse to take a higher-paying position

11. On the flip side, a spouse may turn down a promotion or overtime to lessen their financial responsibility post-breakup

12. You might find strange documents about apartments, or relocation offers around your home

Other changes in behavior that could be signs of divorce

13. They suddenly focus on their appearance

14. Sudden interest in the kids

15. They act secretive about their phone messages, texts, mail, and emails. Or: You catch them cheating

Bottom line: What to do if you see signs your spouse is planning to leave

What are the first signs of divorce?

It’s important to pay attention to your partner but also take note of how you feel and act. There are always signs leading up to a decision to divorce.

“When you see the sign, then you must identify what you want,” says Marley Howard, a Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist based in San Francisco. “For example, you want to be in a relationship, or you want to leave. Once you find your answer, then communicate.”

Howard, who is also an expert contributor to PsycheMag.com, a website dedicated to connecting people with mental and physical health professionals, says that married couples should try to communicate without hostility.

“You must discuss with your partner what you want, why they want to leave, and if there is any valid reason to consider, and you must mutually decide how to proceed,” she says.

So, if you are seeing one of the following signs in your partner, it may be time to talk to each other about what you want for the future of your relationship:

1. Sex stops, or sex starts to suck

If you’re still having sex, but the other partner stops caring about your pleasure, or intimate connection, they are checked out emotionally, and a divorce may be next. 

“When one of the partners in a marriage stops putting effort into sex, it can signal a lack of interest and willingness to be connected to the other partner,” says Callisto Adams, Ph.D.. “It’s a subconscious way of sabotaging the relationship.”

Adams is a member of the American Association of Sexualty Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), has a CME certification from the Harvard Medical School Treating Couples course, and is the founder of HeTexted, a relationship and dating blog.

She says that the lack of sexual effort shows a sense of surrender to the self-destruction of the marital connection.“In a way, your partner is choosing to let things fall apart instead of trying to work things out with you,” she says.

What to do now: Pray. Focus on your own wellbeing. They’re done.

Read more about the research on sexless marriages and divorce, and other common causes of divorce.

2. They stop arguing with you

The married couple is upset and ignoring each other. If your spouse stops arguing with you even if you're bickering about certain issues, it can be a sign that he/she is ready for divorce.

If you’ve been bickering (or screaming) for years about certain issues, and they suddenly stop, they may very well have thrown in the towel.

“Most humans act out behaviorally because we lack the words to discuss what we want and need,” David Helfland, Psy.D. “Children do this all of the time.” 

As a licensed psychologist specializing in couple therapy retreats, neurofeedback and brain mapping, he says that the difference between an adult tantrum and a child tantrum is that adults have more financial means and the ability to act independently.

“If a child could throw a tantrum by leaving the house, flying to Vegas, and getting drunk, they most definitely would,” he says.

Helfland suggests that signs such as tantrums or even lack of care show that the marriage is in trouble and hopefully can be repaired with professional help. They don’t mean a divorce is certain.

3. He or she spends more time with their own friends or family members than before — and less with you

You may have been your husband or wife’s primary comfort and friend, but now you have been replaced with other people (or a lover, for that matter).

Caleb Birkhoff, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in San Francisco, says that some partners may feel frustration or dread at the thought of spending more time together.

“A change in job, schedule, or a blending of activity/responsibilities isn’t welcomed with enthusiasm and excitement,” he says. 

Birkfhoff says that if each partner becomes accustomed to having their own time, the idea of giving that time to the other person becomes unbearable.

What to do now: Shore up your support system.

4. General contempt and disrespect

If your spouse overall is rude, dismissive and annoyed by you, they may be emotionally done beyond repair.

5. Your husband becomes evasive or stops caring about future plans, whether planning vacations, holidays, home repairs — all now irrelevant because they are out of there

Family therapist Lauren Cook-McKay from Manchester, Conn., says marriage is a commitment, and having a shared vision of the future is a foundational element of a lasting relationship. The vision provides structure and stability and shows that you’re willing to grow with each other and stay together despite challenges.

“A spouse who doesn’t care about your plans, be it a minor home repair or a

vacation with your kids, is losing that commitment,” she says. “It shows that they

don’t want to spend time with you, and hanging out with you feels like a

chore.”

She suggests working things out with compromise and conversation. And to try to do activities you both enjoy. If you involve your spouse in planning or let them lead the way, it could reignite the spark you once had.

However, if your partner is not open to any of these things, it could be a sign that they are ready to end the relationship.

What to do now: Find a divorce lawyer. Many attorneys offer free phone consultations. Find someone who promotes collaborative divorce or mediation, when appropriate.

Learn more about the pros and cons of amicable and uncontested divorce, and see if you qualify for an online divorce.

Financial signs of divorce

6. They are suddenly interested in the family finances, after leaving the money management to the other spouse

From the Wall Street Journal:

“Michael Stutman, past president of the New York state chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says one red flag could come from the spouse who shows new interest in credit-card offers. The spouse could be trying to build up credit in his or her name or be concerned about maintaining access to liquidity during the divorce, he says.”

In some cases, they may even revisit your prenuptial agreement, looking for loopholes or clarifications that would benefit them in a split.

What to do now: Research all your accounts, collect documents for bank, savings, investments, real estate, debt, loans. Open accounts in your own name to build and maintain credit.

7. Using assets or credit in ways you hadn’t discussed

Say, taking out large sums from a home equity line, unusually high spending on a joint credit card (or worse, one in the other spouse’s name), or withdrawal from investment accounts.

The opening of new accounts or credit cards in their name only is another sign. Or, unusually large cash withdrawals from accounts is another red flag, as is if a spouse stops contributing to investment accounts (because those funds may be stashed away as an exit strategy instead).

What to do now: Shit is now serious. Retain an attorney and move to freeze accounts. Half of this money is likely yours. Keep lots of records.

For example, if tax or investment documents were always mailed to both of you, and suddenly they stopped, your spouse may have signed up to receive them electronically — or snagged them from the USPS, or change account passwords without telling you.

What to do now: Educate yourself about investing and saving if you feel behind. Read: How to start investing to build wealth

9. Lots of talk about how poorly their business is doing

He or she might be planting notions that he has fewer assets and income than in actuality.

What to do now: Focus on your own earning.

If you are under-employed, start searching for a new job or side gig. Read: Top jobs for single moms

Assume you are entitled to alimony as a stay-at-home mom — or terrified you have to pay it? Educate yourself about alimony law, and also understand the negatives of relying on alimony income from an ex.

Also, as women become more successful, more and more moms are paying child support and alimony.

10. Refusal of a stay-at-home parent to get a job, or a lesser-earning spouse to take a higher-paying position

She may be ensuring higher child support or spousal maintenance.

What to do now: Call that lawyer.

11. On the flip side, a spouse may turn down a promotion or overtime to lessen their financial responsibility post-breakup

The less income they report now, the less they have to pay in child support or alimony.

What to do now: If you’re in Georgia, get clear on paying alimony — how it’s calculated, the role of fault, modification, and enforcement—so you can plan your income, negotiate smartly, and avoid costly mistakes.

12. You might find strange documents about apartments, or relocation offers around your home

They are looking for a new place to live.

Other changes in behavior that could be signs of divorce

13. They suddenly focus on their appearance

This might include plastic surgery, major weight-loss, or a new wardrobe. All may be signs of a new lease on life — without you.

What to do now: They are spending frivolously on their future. You need to secure yourself financially. Sock away all the cash you can in an online savings account in your name only. Make sure you have life insurance policies for both of you, as well as estate plans.

Should wives stay thin for their husbands?

14. Sudden interest in the kids

If they are thinking of leaving, and want to make sure they secure their share of custody time with the children, they show uncharacteristic interest in sports, religious, school and other activities, as well as ensure the children spend lots of time with their side of the family.

What to do now: Embrace a 50-50 custody arrangement. You’ll thank me later, no matter how scary or sad that may seem now.

15. They act secretive about their phone messages, texts, mail, and emails. Or: You catch them cheating

There may be an affair at play, or they may be waiting for a call from their lawyer, accountant, real estate agent, or spending time researching alimony law.




Bottom line: What to do if you see signs your spouse is planning to leave

Seeing one or more of these signs? Or maybe your spouse has even gone so far as to file for divorce behind your back.

When one spouse files for divorce, the other can feel blindsided —until weeks and months later, they look back and see all the red flags they were missing, or ignoring, or repeatedly turned down for sex. For years.

In my case, my ex-threatened to leave for months. I was pregnant, and couldn’t believe it — until he left his wedding ring on a shelf where he knew I’d see it. No subtlety there!

“There are often many indications of a pending divorce, but people don’t want to see them or acknowledge that their marriage may be in danger,” says Gretchen Cliburn, a financial planner and certified divorce financial analyst in Springfield, Mo., in Wall Street Journal.

Next steps: 

1. If your spouse hasn’t filed yet, read: How to leave your husband or wife or How to ask for a divorce

2. If your spouse has filed for divorce, read What to ask for in a divorce to prepare for divorce negotiations and get through this as quickly as possible.

3. Prepare for life as a co-parent: All about healthy co-parenting for the rest of your life

4. Take time to get your finances in order.

Sell the engagement ring for $$

5. Finally, you get a chance to start over after divorce and a one-year pass to be a hot mess.

How about you? What signs did you show that you were ready to leave you? What did your ex do to signal he was ready for divorce? Share in the comments …

How do you define a single mom vs. solo mom?