The idea of dating after a divorce can be paralyzing for so many people — men and women alike. Here are my tips for dating after divorce:
Have more concerns? Here are some common questions.
5 tips for dating after divorce
1. Have fun
I understand why you are looking for a new husband — you likely were used to being married, you feel left out because everyone around you seems to be happily married (trust me, they're not). The idea of dating casually may be new, or foreign, or just scary. After all, the very real threat of a post-divorce rebound breakup looms large. I get it.
That said, try to lighten up. Have fun. Go out with people you don't really want to be serious with — older guys, younger guys, guys outside of your demo, women, dads with kids, people without kids. Try online dating (Read our roundup of best online dating apps for single parents).
Hook up, and try friends with benefits. Have fun. Though the heartbreak will come no matter what, but try to have fun until then.
2. Don't rush into a serious relationship!
Divorce rates for second and third marriages are very high. Just saying.
3. Take your time
There is no rush to getting into a relationship, to starting to date again, or any other landmarks. Give yourself a year to be a hot, post-divorce mess.
4. Be positive about dating, men and relationships
No one wants a girlfriend who hates men, is cynical about relationships or otherwise is a drag about the very gender she is spending time with! I get that you are wounded and lonely and this mess is confusing. Spend time with positive people, even if it means making new friends. Fill your life with joyful activities and otherwise lean into being a single mom.
5. Divorce counseling: Why you should consider post-divorce therapy
Post-divorce counseling can be an excellent way to help you understand the patterns of your marriage, your dating patterns now, understand and process the grief of your breakup, and help you envision and seek out a healthy, happy new relationship. But first, you have to lean into being single.
LeNaya Smith Crawford, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, said that therapy is critical to help you find a healthy new relationship.
“Understanding what went wrong in your marriage, the role you played, and making peace with your ex are all part of the inner work needed to find a healthy relationship,” Crawfor says. “Dating from a place of hurt and negatively will affect your new relationship and can cause history to repeat itself. Don’t skip the counseling — it will help your next relationship be happier and healthier!”
“Remember that your kids want you to be happy too (even if on the surface they are crying for you to stay home). You need a life and a partner; having that will make you be a better mom, not a worse one,” said Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, a relationship counselor at the Baltimore Therapy Center in Baltimore, Md.
I’m not the first person who has suggested to you therapy at this stage of life. Therapy is not a silver bullet of personal growth and healing for everyone, but studies find that quality counseling will help you recognize unhealthy patterns, grieve a loss, and move through trauma.
It can be very helpful to work through your grief and insecurities before dipping your toe into dating too soon, which can only deepen old wounds.
Learn more about the Top online therapy apps.
How long should you wait to date after divorce?
The general rule of thumb for doing anything major after divorce is: Wait a year. But nothing magical happens after a year. Also: Dating is not major, unless you make it major.
It is fine if you want to date casually, get laid, have fun. But for the love of god don’t do any committing — no moving in with a man, no getting pregnant or buying real estate together!
Read this post: After divorce you get a year to be a hot mess
Also, the answer to this question depends on where you live. For example, in many places where you can easily get divorced within 30 days, it is taboo to date while legally married. However, in New York where I live, everyone dates while they are separated, but legally married, because it takes FOREVER to get the paperwork finalized.
Is it hard to meet someone after divorce?
This is a common question, which really cloaks your fear that you are unlovable. Millions of people date, fall in love, fall in lust, get into relationships and even marry after breakups and divorce. Many of them have kids, all of them are wounded, human and lovable. Many divorced people prefer to date other divorced people — you get each other!
How do I start dating after divorce at 30, 40, or 50?
Once I the divorce fog lifted, the post-divorce breakup wound healed, I started dating like crazy. I probably went on more than 100 or 200 first-dates in five years, before I met my wonder now-boyfriend.
Warning: You will receive all kinds of toxic messages about your chances of meeting someone after divorce. Messages like:
There are no good guys out there at this stage.
All the great men are already taken.
No one wants a divorced, single mom. Used goods!
If you believe these messages they will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You manifest what you think.
Fact: There are just as many divorced, heartbroken, single dads as there are single moms. Men are humans, and they also want deep connection, or fun, or commitment, depending on the phase of their journey — just like you!
Here is my advice, which is also informed by thousands of moms who have shared their experiences with the joys and horrors of dating at this phase of life:
- First, set some guidelines for yourself and understand that an immediate spark over mojitos after work does not mean you should make a serious commitment to anyone, anytime soon! Dating is not about finding a husband. It is about meeting new people, exploring romantic possibilities and learning about yourself. Hopefully, it also includes some fun and good sex.
- If you’re looking for men to meet, ask friends to set you up, consider online dating or go ahead and ask out that guy at the coffee shop you’ve been crushing on.
- Pay attention to how you feel. This is a process, and you will be working through a lot of feelings and baggage. Are you really angry at all the men you meet? Feel so vulnerable every time someone pays you attention? Terrified of being left (again)? All normal!
- Pay attention to how men react to you. Do any themes emerge? Do they tend to find you clingy, or angry at men overall? Are you stand-offish, or prickly? Don’t dismiss the entire gender, but instead use this as an opportunity to discover things about yourself that will help you heal and attract the type of relationship you are looking for.
- Be open to different types of men. Again, this is not a marriage hunt, but dating! Date against type, both in terms of profession and physical characteristics you tend to attract. Heck, date against political party!
- Be open to new sexual experiences.
- Safe sex, ladies.
- Don’t expect immediate chemistry — or for a lightning bolt to hit you when you meet the one. We’re not in a Disney movie, after all. And how many divorce started with “I knew he was the one!” ?
Out of practice? Have a hard time climaxing? Or maybe you’re in a relationship or have a sexual partner, and one or both of you are struggling with impotence, dryness, difficulty reaching orgasm, or any other number of sexual challenges.
Why is dating after divorce so hard?
First, you are traumatized by your divorce, no matter how wanted or amicable it was. Divorce is a big fucking deal, and it can take a long time to get over. Totally normal.
Second, you are afraid of getting hurt. You are licking your wounds from your breakup, and are very timid about making yourself vulnerable to that again. 100% healthy.
Third, you likely have not dated for a long time — decades even. You worry you are unattractive, unsexy, fat and out-of-touch with the dating world. Online dating? WHAT?! Getting naked with a man at this stage of life? HUH!? There are so many toxic messages about dating after divorce, or dating later in life, it is no wonder you are hesitant.
In reality, you are just out of practice.
Fourth, you don’t trust yourself. Your picker was off when you committed to your husband, you likely stayed through some horrible behavior, maybe cheating, and you don’t trust your own instincts — especially when it comes to men.
Advice from a 90-year-old single mom on dating after divorce
Last week, my kids and I visited my mom at her Milwaukee condo, the complex of which is occupied mostly by senior citizens. While lounging by the pool where my kids caused a ruckus, mildly amused and mostly annoyed by the very loud woman who went on and on and ON about how she could not believe the restaurant charged her $2.75 to swap the picadillo peppers for onions, I was delighted when a very elegant, spry older woman sat down next to me, put on her wire-rimmed bifocals and dug into her Danielle Steel paperback.
“I’d like to jump in there, too, but I’m going to be 90 this month and probably shouldn’t get into a swimsuit,” was her opening line. That, of course, was cue for me to tell her a) she looks fabulous for her age (true), b) who cares what you look like (truer still), c) engage with her. I’m so glad I did. There were some gems of advice from my new, brilliant friend, and I must share them with you.
First, a quick bio: This beautiful woman grew up in a small, rural midwestern town and became a PhD psychologist. She married her college sweetheart very young. At age 26 after recently giving birth to her only child, a son, her husband unceremoniously “sued me for divorce.”
“He was a heavy smoker, and two years later he was dead,” she said with a shrug. “My parents said, ‘Honey, what do you want to do?’ I said, ‘I want to play the field,’ so they suggested I see the family doctor.’” She had her tubes tied. “I never regretted it for a second,” she told me.
For the past 37 years she has been married to “the love of my life” — a building contractor who just celebrated his 100th birthday. Here are some genius single-mom nuggets from this hot momma:
Always have your own money.
When her love rang in his centennial birthday, his grubby daughter sent real estate brokers over to the condo to assess its value, intending to sell it. Joke was on her! “When we married, I had money saved from my practice and bought the place I wanted in cash. The house in my maiden name. Always make sure you take care of yourself.”
Marry for love.
“Mr. Goldstein is the love of my life,” she says. Before him, she dated a prominent lawyer for 12 years until he passed away. “But no one loved me like Mr. Goldstein.”
Marry your financial and professional peer.
“But Mr. Goldstein was doing very well for himself. Honey, you need someone who respects your career, and you respect his. Don’t settle! And make sure you have your own money, in your own name.”
Enjoy your body.
“Honey, you’re still young. You look great. Play the field.”
But be careful.
“That’s great you’re dating. But honey, be sure to protect yourself. Don’t get pregnant.”
P.S. Enjoy your body.
“When I went for my annual exam, the doctor said, ‘You look like a young girl on the inside! You could still be having active sex!’
When I asked her if she and her husband still had sex she said: “Oh no. Not any more.” Did she miss it? “Sometimes. Honey, play the field.”
Don’t stop playing the field.
“The other day I was in Pick ‘N’ Save and I ran into a doctor I knew 40 years ago. He told his daughter, ‘I knew her years ago, and when her husband dies I’m going to marry her!’”
The general rule of thumb for doing anything major after divorce is: Wait a year.
Is it hard to meet someone after divorce?
This is a common question, which really cloaks your fear that you are unlovable. Millions of people date, fall in love, fall in lust, get into relationships and even marry after breakups and divorce.
Why is dating after divorce so hard?
First, you are traumatized by your divorce, no matter how wanted or amicable it was. Second, you are afraid of getting hurt. Third, you likely have not dated for a long time.