5 tips for recovering from divorce in the first year

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You get a year. A free pass for 12 months to be a freaky weirdo. Drink too much after the kids go to bed. Smoke a few cigarettes at break time with your colleagues. Let the house go, let the dishes pile up in the sink. Hell, might as well preemptively cancel the gym memberships, because you’re not going. Be stinky and oily, and let your pubes hang out of your swimsuit on a public beach in the midwest. Sleep with a bunch of completely inappropriate people and wear things that no one at your age with your body should ever even think about wearing in public. Stay up all night stalking your college boyfriend on Facebook.

You’re good. No judgment here!

Am I describing your friend or sister? Let her have at it, hang it all out. It’s part of the process from which she will emerge, mind-blowingly successful and stronger than ever.

5 tips for dating after divorce

1. “I am divorced.”

First, practice introducing yourself as a divorced person. Do not submit to the temptation to, when meeting a new person, say, another mom on the playground, to unload a 400-word soliloquy about how-he-cheated-and-is-an-alcoholic-narcissist-and-left-you-with-a-baby.

Instead, should the matter come up at all, just say: “I’m divorced.” The rest really is none of their business. Or, you could say, “I’m not married.” It is true, plain, appropriate and mysterious all at the same time.

2. Learn how to coparent with your ex

You might not reach Gwyneth Paltrow-level co-parenting (vacation with your ex is not for everyone, after all), but you can aim to be civil, fair, positive about him when speaking to the kids (and others — otherwise you start to sound bitter. Not a good look). 

A co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard can help with features like a shared calendar, closed messaging and text, financial record keeping, an information vault for keeping track of contacts and medical and school information, as well as a way to download and submit records to courts.

The list of best and free co-parenting apps for 2021

More tips and advice on how to co-parent with even the most toxic and narcissistic of exes.

3. Living alone after divorce

Many women have an intense reaction to living alone for the first time after divorce. On one hand, it can feel amazing to have your very own space, no one’ mess to clean up, decorate as you like and otherwise be at peace in your own home.

On the other hand, it can feel lonely and even scary to be home alone without another adult there. This may be an opportunity to invest in a home security system, create a closer community with your neighbors, or otherwise start socializing and entertaining in your home.

All these feels are normal and healthy!

How to cleanse energy and feng shui your home after divorce

4. Divorce counseling: Why you should consider post-divorce therapy

There’s no shame in getting professional help. You don’t even need to see a therapist IRL anymore, thanks to the plethora of self-care apps out there. Online therapy apps connect you with a licensed professional right from home.

5. Join a divorce support group for women

Support groups for divorce can be powerful. I had an incredible experience with group therapy around the time of my own divorce, and connecting with other women going through a similar situation, as well as those who are both ahead of you, and following you in their divorce journeys, can be informative, healing and humbling. The benefits of group therapy include feeling normal, getting feedback from your peers, accountability and seeing your own growth — or need for growth — through your peers in the therapy group.

I run a 100% Millionaire Single Moms support group for women on Facebook, where women share about all the joys, traumas and realities of parenting solo.

Divorce anniversary: What about the one-year anniversary after divorce?

But at month 13? Time to tidy up business. Your Post-Divorce Hot Mess Pass has expired. Hit the reset button with these three tips:

1. Practice self-care

Drinking a glass of wine at the end of a long day isn’t self-care. A proper self-care routine includes activities you do daily to invest in your mental and physical health. Try these self-care ideas:

  • Take care of yourself physically. When people talk about self-care, they usually only address the emotional aspect of it, but it’s just as important to care for your body. So exercise, eat healthy foods, take a warm bath to relax your muscles, treat yourself to a massage (if you can afford it — debt is not self care!), and get 8+ hours of sleep each night. (Add this lavender bath tea to your tub to calm your mind while you soak.) If you need to lose weight, people swear by noom, the weight loss app that promises to change the way you think and feel about food.
  • Put your phone away. Endlessly scrolling through Facebook and Instagram can be detrimental to your mental health. Take regular breaks from your phone and set guidelines on social media use. Try an app that limits screen time, like Space
  • Therapy

2. Practice yoga and meditation

Science shows yoga and meditation are incredible stress-relievers and mood-boosters. Here’s how to add them to your routine:

  • Start your day with a morning meditation. Take advantage of the quiet you have before the bustle of the day begins. Even just five minutes of meditation in the A.M. can make a difference in your mood. 
  • Download a meditation app. There are lots of free meditation apps out there. Some of the best include Headspace, Calm, and The Mindfulness App
  • Read meditation books. Yep, pick up a good ol’ fashioned paper book to learn the ins and outs of meditation. A break from devices is an added bonus.  Meditation Made Easy, Practicing Mindfulness, and Mindfulness Made Simple offer easy-to-understand meditation tips to help you master your practice. 
  • Follow yoga videos. Can’t make it to a studio? No problem. You can still get your Ohm on by taking an online yoga class. Tune into Yoga With Adriene for straightforward yoga classes with none of the woo-woo. 

3. Get your financial act together. 

Financial wellbeing plays a huge role in how well you feel physically and mentally. Follow this advice for getting your finances in order: 

  • Make a financial plan. Use a tool like Ellevest to get focused on your goals. This investment platform — designed specifically for women — helps you create a financial plan starting at $1/month, with access to human advisors for an additional fee. Learn more at our Ellevest review, or get your free financial plan at Ellevest now >>
  • Work on improving your credit. This will allow you to apply for a mortgage, get a business or student loan, and more. Start by applying for a balance transfer credit card. You can also boost your credit score immediately by an average of 13 points by using Experian Boost, a free tool that also gives you a credit score and FICO report (all free!). 
  • Create a budget. Once you budget your money, slash your spending. See what monthly memberships you can cancel or scale back on to save dough: cable, that fancy gym you belong to, all those random subscriptions to services you don’t use.

Here are even more tips for getting your financial act together this year.

4. Sell your engagement ring and wedding ring

I wrote about why I decided to sell my diamond ring, and how to do it safely. That post also gives step-by-step instructions on how to sell a diamond ring.

Top reasons to sell your engagement ring, wedding ring, and other sentimental jewelry include:

  1. You don’t use it, so get rid of it.
  2. Your engagement ring or other jewelry likely has bad memories and energy attached to it, so best to set that free — open your life up to new and better experiences.
  3. The money you earn from selling your jewelry can be invested in positive things, like retirement, buying a home or car, a vacation, or starting that home-based business you’ve been thinking about.

For most jewelry, CashforGoldUSA is my recommendation, as they pay within 24 hours, have a BBB rating of A+ and guarantee the highest price.

For jewelry that will sell for more than $1,000, Worthy.com is also an excellent choice with its online auction platform and insurance up to $100,000.

I have personally used both online jewelry buyers.

Read my Worthy review.

Learn more about selling gold jewelry.

Educate yourself about your diamond’s value.

Why sell your engagement ring?

I am a huge fan of selling your engagement ring in the event that your relationship ends, and I did so myself about five years ago.

I only received a fraction of what my now ex-husband and I paid for it, but I felt I got a fair price and used the proceeds to fund a trip my kids took to Europe with their dad to visit family — which, again, I felt good about.

 The real value in selling bridal jewelry, or other jewelry you don’t wear, is that it frees up all that negative energy attached to the item, stewing indefinitely in your jewelry box.

Even if you loved the ring, loved your ex, loved being married (yes, yes, yes for me), it is time to move on and free the mental energy attached to the ring — not to mention the money!

Time to stop fretting about what to do with it, sell it, and move on already!

The bottom line is that I sold an engagement ring that I didn’t use, no longer wanted, and kept me holding on to a relationship that I was no longer in.

Plus, I got some cash that I needed at the time.

I don’t think it was insignificant that same month I started my first significant relationship in two years.

I also think that selling those diamond and gold rings has something to do with the fact that my ex and I have been getting along better than since before our split.

In ways I don’t fully understand, I was freed.

How to be a successful single mother

Books to help you recover from  divorce

Can't afford a therapist right now? Here are workbooks you could try to DIY:

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook

Retrain Your Brain (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks: A Workbook for Managing Depression and Anxiety)

The Kickass Single Mom: Be Financially Independent, Discover Your Sexiest Self, and Raise Fabulous, Happy Children

Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Creating a New Life

Didn't See That Coming: Putting Life Back Together When Your World Falls Apart

You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life

Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse

Did you lose it during your divorce? Thoroughly embarrass yourself? Go on … share in the comments! 

Are single-parent families whole?

Wealthysinglemommy.com founder Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, activist, author and expert. A former Associated Press reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has appeared on CNBC, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, NPR, TIME, The Doctors, Elle, O, The Oprah Magazine. Winner of Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web” and a New York Observer “Most Eligible New Yorker," her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was a New York Post Must Read. As an expert on divorce and gender, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality and multiple state legislature hearings. More about Emma's credentials.

23 Comments

Maybe I am a freaky weirdo, but I feel like I’m doing amazing. I asked for the divorce, it was a long time coming. But I feel like I’ve regained who I lost over the years of being a mom and a wife, and being treated as such. I kind of lost myself after my first son was born 10.5 years ago. I had to take all my body jewelry out for my surgery, and I just never put any of it back in. After he moved out, I put what jewelry I could, back in, which accounted for 13 piercings. This was in December. Since then I’ve added 16 piercings and 4 tattoos. To many people who know me, have only known me for that last 6 years or less, so it looks like i’ve lost my mind in dealing with my divorce, but really, this is who I am. It’s who I’ve always been, its who he squashed. I’m working on regaining my voice, I am dating again. But I am also making sure I have fun, i do drink to much sometimes, i do make bad decisions, and maybe that’s the trauma speaking, but I feel happier now, I feel healthier now, than I have in a lot of years.

Today was a hot mess day. I’m heading into month 3, and despite getting a job and setting up my new dwelling, I am not feeling very successful. Thanks for writing about what I’ve been feeling!

That wasnt me. I am still working on getting money fot my divorce. Me and my ex have been seperated for almost 3 years with an order of protection. It was hard to become a single mom but i have managed to keep a roof over our heads and other things we need.

I was never married to him but I felt like I was, I felt like I put years of my life on pause for him. Now that he’s out I’m finally able to start it and I just feel so free. Of course now I have my two kids along with me and that’s okay because we will learn to grow together.
But sometimes it feels like there’s never an easy day.

Well that wasn’t me. At least the first 8 months. I guess I was in total denial. Survival mode. It s starting to hit me now and it’s scary.

As much as i wish i could have, i was unable to. I had separated from my husband and then spent a year taking on the care of 3 of my sisters kids which left me with 7 kids on my own. Had to keep my head straight for them.

Not me! I got divorced, moved out, and got my shit together. My apartment is bright & clean! And decorated cute af. HE, on the other hand, is a mess. Giant. Mess. Sometimes I help clean up when I visit. I feel bad for him but wish he would at least clean more, for our kids sake. If I let myself be a hot mess, I would spiral into a deep depression. For me though, divorce has been so nice! I got out! I have my own place, my own space.

After me and my ex-husband deside to divorce i ended up “dating” this guy for a few weeks. Till i found out i was pregnant. Mind you i was living in my RV in my friends driveway still waiting on divorce paperwork so i could buy a house! And now i have another tiny human im gonna have to take care of! I had also just bought a motorcycle, was enjoying my new found freedom. Needless to say, i became really depressed and stayed that way till i had my baby. But everything is working out really well. I have my own home, and great job, and started college. Not to mention i have one of the bast babies in the world. Never cries, and sleeps all night. Lets mommy do ger homework, and clean the house.

Year one was tough! The breakup was mercifully violent and irrational that I didn’t feel the need to ask my partner to change their mind and take me back – but not seeing our kids or knowing where they were taken to live was hell….a hell that went for 2 years and 10 months before finding and holding them again. I regrouped, found work, found a lawyer, took stock and did all I could to keep the communication channels open with the ex so as to speak to our two kids on the phone. The court process is rolling into its second year and the only solid thing I know for sure is that our children are healthy, love each other and their parents and that to have them and lose them is better than to not have had them at all. I have been blessed….twice.

It’s only been 9months and I must say it’s tuff but I know i’ll get through this.I thank God I found out about you Emma and your books, you’ve made this journey easier.God bless you.

My marriage is probably not going to last much longer. We’ve only been married a couple of years, and have no children. My wife wants to separate temporarily and work toward getting back together.

I agree with Wendy. I think it’s unhealthy to shave and wax pubic hair; it increases chances of STDs and ingrown hair. I didn’t appreciate the image being associated with a woman’s responsibility / mental health.

Some people can’t help focusing on minutia and completely miss the big picture message, which wasn’t about pubic hair, it was about friendship. Get past it.

If you actually CARE about someone, you notice when they aren’t acting like themselves. The only one being judgemental here is you.

I did everything you described Emma! Definitely a very hard year to get through. 3 years in and I’m loving life and feel happy again. It’s so good to let every woman know that it’s 100% normal but that you do need to set a time limit on how long you can let it all go.

Yes. This resonated so deeply. I just hit the official year-since-he-moved-out mark in June and a year since I filed on the 26th of September. I was such a mess. My daughter ate a lot of canned soup while I lived on Triscuits and Mozzerella. I was so numb to my own emotional health that I took a stress test to see how I was feeling. I’m liberated now, my life is my own and I am working with my ex to coparent. We’re not perfect, but we’re much happier apart and after dating several of the very wrong guys, I’m finding out that I’m pretty damn happy by myself! Of course the second I decided that I met someone outstanding. I didn’t realize that I could be this emotionally healthy after what a mess I was last year.

Yes I was letting the kids have extra sweets when I normally wouldn’t. And I wasn’t even eating. And when I did I was taste testing food I had made for the kids. I think my love off of food for the most part was bagged popcorn.

I was a hot mess that first year. I dated like a little hurricane but was NOT taking care of myself. I was an emotional wreck, consuming more calories in wine than anything else. I lost a ton of weight and was weak in all ways; couldn’t eat, emaciated, couldn’t be alone, couldn’t put down the wine glass. I finally got sick of myself and knew I needed to change. I sat down and picked three areas to change, found one thing to do in each area to make the improvement, and set to work. It’s been 3 years now and I’m doing awesome! It’s a tough road but so worth every painful step.

The first paragraph made me laugh. Oh man I remember my first year. What a mess. I remember serving macaroni and cheese to my son right on the dining room table because there wasn’t a clean bowl or plate or even Tupperware lid in the house. I also spent my last $100 on a clearanced cashmere sweater one month instead of paying my phone bill. No room to judge here.

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