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My kids are halfway through a 2.5 week trip to Europe with their dad, visiting his family there. This is by far the longest we’ve been away from each other, and I was worried they would miss me — and me them. So far, so good. It sounds like a lot of days at the beach with their little cousins and family dinners of chicken, potatoes and other Greek food. I can easily envision them in the home I visited many times during my marriage, eating the awesome home Greek cooking of my ex’s stepmom and enjoying the Mediterranean sun.

Despite my initial plans to call every few days, we have spoken only twice. On Thursday I had fun telling them that our cat caught a mouse (and laid it at the foot of my chair in the dining room), hearing from Lucas about the airplane ride, and getting silly with Helena, surmising what kind of bathing suit our cat would wear at the beach (Would it be a bikini, or a tankini? Duh – a CATkini!).

But — true parenting confession here — I only really started to miss them when I hung up the phone. Until then — and mostly since — I have been enjoying my kid-free time, meeting up with friends, accomplishing work and household tasks that otherwise went unattended to, and spending time with someone new I’m dating (more on that later this week, ladies).

I realized: If frequent calls and check-ins make me miss my kids, it probably makes them miss me and home. So if they’re having a great time focused on their environs in Greece, why would I want to refocus them to their mom and New York life — especially if they’re not asking for me?

“I miss my son/daughter when they’re with their dad.”

Being separated from your child: What do you do when you miss your son or daughter?

Communication guidelines for different co-parenting schedules

• Child custody and phone calls
• How often should a non-custodial parent call? How often should the custodial parent call when the kids are with their dad?

Co-parenting tips and successful co-parenting strategies

• Co-parenting schedules
• Co-parenting agreement
• Co-parenting apps
• Co-parenting classes
• Co-parenting therapy

Bottom line: Limit those calls when your kids are with their dad

“I miss my son/daughter when they’re with their dad.”

Do you talk to your kids every day when they are with their dad? Why?

If you’re having a hard time getting over your divorce, and over-relying on your kids for emotional support, I feel you! But you need to sort that out rather than stalk your kids.

Therapy can be a great option, including online therapy. Connect with a certified mental health professional through BetterHelp.com. Read our review.

Being separated from your child: What do you do when you miss your son or daughter?

First, remember that the time with the other parent is really what is best for your child. Second, find ways to grow your own life and wellbeing. Stay busy! Ideas include:

• Grow your career — a survey of 2,300 single moms found that those with equal parenting time were more likely to earn more and be happier 
• Date — Best dating apps and sites for single parents
• Spend time with friends 
• Focus on self-care
• Educate about toxic parenting habits

General no-nos in co-parenting include constantly texting or calling your child while he or she is with the other parent (or any other time for that matter!), assuming that the child misses you constantly, or needs you, or you try to get information about your co-parent or otherwise control that parenting time.

Keep reading for more about healthy communication with your kid while co-parenting.

Communication guidelines for different co-parenting schedules

A divorced friend shares equal 50-50 custody with her ex who expects pictures and updates every few hours when the kids are with her — and nightly Facetime. She enjoys the occasional cute pic in return, but sees no point in the dozens of mundane images of her offspring the dad sends every week — especially since there is rarely a time when the kids go more than two or three days without seeing either parent. “It feels intrusive and controlling, but he says he misses them so much — so how can I deny him?” she complained.

Co-parenting apps can be helpful in keeping track of communication and schedules — including pre-agreed-upon FaceTime.

Our Family Wizard is a Better Business Bureau accredited app and site used by tens of thousands of divorced and separated families. 30-day free trial, plus step-parents, grandparents and kids can be added for free. Read our review of Our Family Wizard.

Child custody and phone calls

That’s the thing: he misses them. No one asked what is good for the kids. These parents make it about them, and what they are missing out on. The kids just want to live their lives, be engaged in the people and activities around them and not be interrupted by forced reportage to the absent parent – especially if they can get that parent up-to-date on their shenanigans within 48 hours.

How often should a non-custodial parent call? How often should the custodial parent call when the kids are with their dad?

If you're wondering how often a non-custodial or custodial parent should call, a general rule of thumb that kids are perfectly fine away from their parents for extended periods of time — even weeks or months, assuming that they trust those parents are committed to them.

If parenting is 50-50 or close to it, a good rule of thumb is that contact can be more frequent when kids are very young, about once per week for kids ages 5-12 and never or whenever when they're teens. A kid who is sick, or going through a rough period, or has a milestone you want to celebrate of course comes with a call or text or unscheduled visit that both parents agree to.

Keep in mind that children have forever attended summer camp for a FULL SUMMER starting at age 7 without so much as a text message from their parents, and many of these kids grow up to cherish this parent-free time as their most precious childhood memories.

I understand that a lot is lost when you do not see your kids every day. But that is the price that is paid for the luxury of divorce. You don’t have to be married to the other party, but you also get to spend less time with your children. You also get to spend less time with your kids. Remember how wonderful it is when children go back to school at the end of summer, or winter break? That. Keep that in mind.

But I do not think that loss is so horrific. If it were, people would stop getting divorced in such high numbers. In fact, the idea that you do not know your kids or otherwise are an inferior parent because they do not hear your voice every single day before they turn 18 is a product of the over-parenting trend that stems from the elevation of mother to saint-like status. It puts too much pressure on parents to be intimately involved in every aspect of their kids’ lives. Every day.

[Why you don’t have to tell your ex that your kids met your new boyfriend]

Which is where a caveat is in order: In instances when one parent lives afar, or is on an extended trip that requires they be apart from the kid for weeks on end, well then of course calls and video chats are wonderful tools for staying connected. In fact, we rely on video chat to stay close some family and friends who live in other parts of the country.

Co-parenting tips and successful co-parenting strategies

While the amazing technology that allows us connect with the world via stream-of-conscious sharing of tweets and posts, researchers increasingly find that technology that connects us also makes us anxious and depressed. In fact, I suggest that the same mentality that compels us to share our every thought on Facebook and Twitter is the same one that drives us to be in constant contact with our kids.

All this connectivity has proven to shorten our attention spans, heighten anxiety and weaken relationships. Even a few years ago phone calls were expensive (who remembers a mass of relatives piling on a single phone line to talk over each other to a far-away relative in effort to save on long distant charges?) and the idea of instant sharing of pictures and video chats was the stuff of fantasy.

And yet we survived. Even thrived. And kids of divorce still bonded with both parents, and divorce wasn’t so bad that it deterred people from divorcing en masse. Not to romanticize divorce of years of yore, but we stand to learn from ways our parents messed that up, but also see what worked. Which is that kids don’t need their parents as much as we may think they do.

Instead of impulsively jumping on text or a call to your kids or their other parent when you are apart, here are some rules for healthy co-parenting — and parenting!

Co-parenting schedules

Set a time sharing or custody schedule and stick to it. Whether you are on a 50-50 shared parenting schedule, or the old-fashioned every-other-weekend-with-dad routine, get it in writing, submit it to the courts if you must, create a shared Google calendar, print out that calendar so everyone in your household can see and follow it — then stick to it! 

Co-parenting agreement

Create a co-parenting agreement, which outlines not just the schedule, but how to manage schedule changes, medical, education and religious decisions, modes of communication, and financial matters.

Include a clause about contact with the other parent during parenting time. Limit this to once daily for very young children, and less frequently as children get older.

This should also include a clause that each parent makes the day-to-day decisions for the child during their parenting time.

Co-parenting apps

If Google Calendar does not work for you, consider one of the many co-parenting apps. These include:

• Our Family Wizard
• 2Houses
• Coparently
• Cozi
• TalkingParents

Co-parenting classes

Many judges now require both parenting and co-parenting classes for families making their way through the court system. Almost all local courts will connect you with a local, in-person co-parenting class, or you can find an online co-parenting course to take by yourself, or in collaboration with your kids’ other parent.

Typically these classes are affordable and last a few hours.

Co-parenting therapy

Just as there is couples therapy, many divorced or separated parents chose to go to ongoing therapy to ensure open communication about the children and the whole family’s wellbeing. You may chose to go to co-parenting counseling weekly for six months during and after a breakup, or ongoing monthly until the children are grown.

A local therapist may be found through your attorney, or a referral from a trusted friend or health care worker. Or, online therapy may be more convenient, affordable, and allow you to enjoy the benefits of counseling by conducting the text, phone or video sessions in a different location from your ex!

Time apart as a divorced family makes for better conversations and stories

I pick my kids up at the airport in a few days after three weeks apart — them in Crete with their dad, me in Copenhagen where I’ve been hanging out, working and having a pretty amazing time. I was so sad for the first days apart, and have missed them so much. As I wrote here, their dad and I agreed that I wouldn’t speak to them often since I realized last year that constant communication only makes us all miss each other, and prevents them and their dad from getting into their own groove.

We did chat on the phone a couple of times, and I was struck by what interested, curious children I have. When I told Lucas, 5, that I had spent the day touring my city by bike, exploring the neighborhoods and many canals, he asked: “Did you go over any draw bridges?” Is that a great question or what?

And after I told Helena, 7, about my day full of museums, food shopping and dinner with a new friend, she asked: “But what are you doing TECHNICALLY?” which, it turns out, meant, What kind of coffee pot did I use to make my morning brew? What did the restaurant look like? What did I wear that day? What do Danish people wear? What did my friend do for work? What did we eat?

Don’t be a helicopter mom: Overprotective parents can hurt their kids

I am so proud at what the curious minds of my kids, and appreciate how this time apart can bring us closer, since we will have so much to talk about when we see each other Friday, and how good it will feel to squeeze the crap out of them when I see them, and wake up in the morning when they will cuddle into me in the bed, and we fall into our old routines again.

But in the long view of divorced families, we are constantly re-discovering each other and stitching together two lives that our kids must straddle. It is often an exhausting exercise to re-acquaint ourselves with our children (and vice versa) and constantly re-establish routines — one of the struggles of single motherhood.

The upside is that I see this creating children who are fantastic conversationalists. Through the details of my life outside of mothering them, my kids see me as a person with a full life, and not just a mom. While there is indeed a sweet and deep intimacy that comes with the constant (unrelenting, grinding) care of children, a life of fulltime motherhood simply is not mine. This is my life, and it is your life too. And the details of it can be pretty sweet.

What to do when a parent cancels visits last-minute

Bottom line: Limit those calls when your kids are with their dad

Healthy co-parenting means accepting that as with any relationship, it is healthy that the kids and I get a break from each other and miss one another. Missing and longing are a healthy part of life. If we deny our kids that, we rob them of the ability to learn patience, memory (which studies find is collectively challenged thanks to Google), storytelling and the satisfaction of seeing someone after missing them.

Learn more co-parenting tips.

Originally published in 2015.

Whatever your single-mom related questions, issues, joys or challenges are, there is a single mom book for it.

In fact, I wrote a book for you, too! Here is my list of vetted titles of books for single mothers, designed for you in whatever state of your journey, in no particular order… *cough*

Note that Amazon Prime offers a 50% discount for memberships for those who qualify! 

Featured book for single moms: The 50/50 Solution

How to get just about any audiobook for free

Featured book for single mothers: The Kickass Single Mom

Single parenting books

• The Whole-Brain Child
• No Bad Kids
• Year of Yes

Books for single moms raising sons

• Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men
• Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men

More single mom books

• Inspirational and motivational books for single moms
• Daring Greatly
• Big Magic
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
• Rising Strong
• The Slight Edge
• Eat Pray Love
• You Are a Badass

Sex, romance and relationship books

• Pussy: A Reclamation
• The 5 Love Languages
• Money and business books
• From Passion to Profit
• Power of Transparency
• You Are a Badass at Making Money
• Secrets of Six-Figure Women

Divorce books

• The D Word: Making the Ultimate Decision about Your Marriage
• How to Talk to your Kids About Your Divorce
• The Co-Parenting Handbook
• Divorce Poison
• Happy Divorce
• Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Kids Books About Divorce

• Two Homes
• Dinosaurs Divorce
• Llama Llama Series

Featured book for single moms: The 50/50 Solution

Out March 26, 2024, you can pre-order now, The 50/50 Solution: The Surprisingly Simple Choice that Makes Moms, Dads, and Kids Happier and Healthier after a Split (Sourcebooks).

One part deep dive on social research about what helps kids and parents thrive, one part manifesto about what is fair and just, I wrote this book to help make equal parenting the social and legal norm.

In The 50/50 Solution, creator of the Wealthy Single Mommy community Emma Johnson showcases the robust research proving that, in the vast majority of cases, equal timesharing is the best outcome for everyone in a family where the adults no longer live together. The 50/50 Solution will show you that equal parenting time leads to:

• Better physical, emotional, and mental health for children of divorce
• Higher career earnings for single mothers
• Fathers who are more engaged and whose rights as parents are preserved
• Far less parental and legal conflict
• A progressive, forward-thinking cultural norm that promotes gender and racial equality for all families, regardless of their configuration

Featured book for single mothers: The Kickass Single Mom

This is my baby.

The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), is my #1 bestseller, and I am so proud of it. It is all about my own experience becoming a single mom, the details about how much pain I went though, how I got back on my feet financially, thrived professionally and in my motherhood, and came to enjoy dating, sex and romance.

It includes lots of incredible stories from other, kickass single moms, research, and tips from incredible moms and experts. Hundreds of readers have told me it changed their lives in incredible ways, and it was endorsed by the NYT, The Doctors, Fox & Friends, Oprah.com and dozens of other media.

Also, check out our list of TV shows and movies about single parenthood.

Single parenting books

The Whole-Brain Child

It doesn’t take a neurologist to tell you that kids’ brains don’t finish developing until their early adult lives. But knowing exactly what to do with that information is key. Cue neuroscientist Daniel J. Siegel and parenting expert Tina Payne Bryson, whose book, The Whole-Brain Child helps parents understand differences in children’s brain development patterns and use this knowledge to raise calmer, happier kids.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Their crystal-clear explanations and age-appropriate strategies will help you teach your kiddos important life skills in ways they’ll understand now. This New York Times bestseller is a must-read for moms looking to corral their kids with compassion.

26 reasons being a single mom is awesome

No Bad Kids

Janet Lansbury, author of No Bad Kids, is a four-leaf clover among other professional parenting and family relationship experts. She studied under one of the first and greatest child specialists, Magda Gerber, which means her advice and techniques aren’t the product of formal studies and research trials; she’s got actual hands-on experience helping parents and toddlers.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

The book addresses solutions for the common issues of punishment, cooperation, boundaries, disobedience, testing, tantrums, hitting, and more. Moms, if you’re at your wits’ end and your toddlers are testing your limits, this book is definitely for you.

Year of Yes

If the name Shonda Rhimes sounds familiar, that’s because she is the executive producer of How to Get Away with Murder, Scandal, and Grey’s Anatomy. In her New York Times bestselling book, Year of Yes, learn how saying “YES” changed her life. For as bold as Rhimes’s TV shows are, it’s pretty shocking to learn how much of an introvert Rhimes is. So, for one whole year, she decided to say “YES!” to everything that scared her.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

In this part-memoir-part-inspirational book, see how drastically her life became once she started opening herself up to new opportunities, shutting down self-doubt and self-sabotage, and exploring her newly empowered self. By the end of this book, you’ll be putting on your shoes and getting out to try something new, ASAP!

Books for single moms raising sons

Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men

Strong Mothers, Strong Sons is a must-read for any parent, or anyone who loves boys who today face unique challenges and pressures that put them at high risk for many serious issues. This book offers a road map to help mothers be more confident, bold and affection towards their sons — including for single mothers faced with filling in the void of father figures in their son's life. This book sets you up for success as a parent of a son today, and going forward through the rest of your adult relationship.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Single moms of sons (raising my hand!) can feel overwhelmed and incompetent when it comes to bringing up a male child. This book, while for all mothers, gives tactical tools for connecting with your son and helping you give him what he needs.

Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men

Boys and men are in an under-discussed crisis, and as parents we have an opportunity to identify and support our sons into success. This book helps the reader understand

By Leonard Sax, MD, PhD, Boys Adrift explores studies that find that boys today are less resilient and less ambitious than twenty years ago. The gender gap in college attendance and graduation rates has widened dramatically, and social, cultural, and biological factors have created an environment that is literally toxic to boys.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

 This book presents practical solutions, sharing strategies which educators have found effective in re-engaging these boys at school, as well as tips for parents about everything from homework, to videogames, to medication.

Do you make your son the man of the house? Avoid this single-mom pitfall

More single mom books

Inspirational and motivational books for single moms

Read my thoughts about self-fulfilling stereotypes for single moms, then check out these titles: 

Daring Greatly

#1 New York Times Bestselling author Brene Brown is a social scientist who has built her platform by sparking conversations about love, courage, creativity, self-acceptance, and joy. In her book, Daring Greatly, she helps her readers understand one of the least-valued traits: vulnerability.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Brown explains that vulnerability and the willingness to trust without guarantee of success, is the key to living a brave and meaningful life. Through countless interviews with people of all walks of life, she helps us make the connection between allowing ourselves to fall, get uncomfortable, gain footing again and rise with more identity, truth, and an appreciation for the process.

Big Magic

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love, is no stranger to inspiration, as proven by Big Magic. In this book, she digs down into her own creative process and reveals her unique perspective on the art of inspiration – managing it, growing it, and embracing it.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

I love her explanation of creativity as “strange jewels” that are inside each of us, which we each have to uncover for ourselves. Whether you’re looking to start a business, write a book, advance at work, or simply find a higher level of inspired existence and passion, this book is just what you need.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

Just when you thought this self-help book list was getting too woo-woo and fuzzy – BAM! In comes Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck. This has to be one of the most refreshing and unexpected books to hit the inspirational book circuit in quite a while, and it’s 100% worth the read.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Manson himself is a blogger, but his approach to “living the good life” isn’t covered with Instagram filters and emojis. Instead, his book teaches that being positive all the damn time isn’t really helping us become better, happier people. His raw, real, and honest perspective is the opposite of coddling – he wants us to stop running from painful truths, fears and limitations and start seeking the honesty, responsibility, curiosity and strength we need to build the lives we want.

Rising Strong

It’s not a true self-help book list for single moms if Brene Brown isn’t in here at least twice! In Rising Strong, she discusses the importance of resetting yourself in order to live, love, parent and lead more effectively. She empowers her readers to allow themselves to transform into whatever they want to be, and to embrace their process.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

This is a perfect book for divorced single moms, or anyone trying to get back on the horse. Brene’s ability to be comforting and encouraging while also being influential and motivating is a true gift to those of us who need a little grace, a little self-acceptance, and a whole lot of healing.

The Slight Edge

The Slight Edge, by Jeff Olson, is a life-changing book. It’s about processing information and about thinking in a way that leads to a happier, more successful life. It’s incredibly impactful for something that sounds so simple: tweak your daily habits and activities and create powerful results that ripple throughout your life.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

The book includes insight into how we process information and think about things on a basic level, and what impact those little actions and thoughts have on our interpretation of absolutely everything in life. If you’re into hacking into your psychology to make small changes that really make the difference, this is your kind of book.

Eat Pray Love

Sure, Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love is about divorce and separation, but more importantly, it’s about the journey that happens after divorce – the inspiration, self-actualization, raw vulnerability, acceptance, and humility – the empowerment. Gilbert’s autobiography of coming to terms with her desire to leave her marriage, her journey over one year in Italy, India and Indonesia, and her exploration of love after marriage are all relatable, beautiful and full of hope.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

This book is amazing and bright, whether you’re divorced or not. But it takes on a much fuller meaning and comes alive with so much more color if you’ve gone through it. Eat Pray Love is a perfect pick-me-up for a girlfriend who’s going through divorce. 

You Are a Badass

Lots of single mom books in the self-help genre claim to be able to help you “live your best life.” But few are as effective and memorable as Jen Sincero’s blunt how-to guide, You Are a Badass. This book has rocketed in popularity since it was released, and it’s all because of the bestselling author, speaker, and world-travelling success coach’s refreshing tough love approach.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

If you ever find yourself too busy to get anywhere in a book (hello, raise your hand, single mamas!), this one’s for you. Sincero’s 27 snackable chapters are chock-full of inspirational, gut-bustingly funny stories, sincere insights, easy exercises, and – my fave – gratuitous swearing. 

Sex, romance and relationship books

You’re single. You are a sexual woman. This is an incredible new journey for you! 

All about why and how dating is so great as a single mom.

Pussy: A Reclamation

If you listen to my podcast, you’ll already know I’m a huge fan of my friend’s book, Pussy: A Reclamation. Mama Gena lays it all there for us, ladies. From helping your daughters to nurture their own femininity and sensuality, to what the word “pussy” (really) means to us, it’s all there. No holds barred.

Check out the podcast, hear what Regena has to say on the magical topic of pussy, and learn to embrace what makes us, well… us.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Mama Gena was divorced with a small daughter who built a seven-figure business while enjoying her body and relationships

The 5 Love Languages

This one is just a staple for every woman (and man) to read. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts is such an impactful book because it shows us how we can all give love, and receive love, in the most powerful way unique to us. You think you know someone, and what makes them tick?

You may want to think again. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the 5 Love Languages, puts love and relationships into a whole new perspective, one which might just flip your world on its head.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Chances are you are, as a single mom, many of your relationships are in flux: romatic, familial, friendships — and getting to know your growing child. If you’re anything like me, expect more than one “Aha!” moment as you learn about love languages, as a way to understand and connect with those around you.

This #1 bestseller for the NYTimes is here to stay. Make sure the people you care about are, too, and learn their language.

Money and business books

Single moms have unique money and personal finance needs. All about how to set up a budget, pay off debt (even on a low income), and invest to build wealth as a single mom.

From Passion to Profit

It’s never been easier to start a business, and yet, getting all of your ducks in a row is a seemingly daunting task at times. From Passion to Profit takes youtakesyou step-by-step through starting a profitable online enterprise in less than six weeks.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Creative mamas and makers of all sorts swear by this book for its no-nonsense tips and advice for everything from developing your products and services to branding yourself and getting traffic to your online store.

Power of Transparency

Are you a mom struggling with work-life balance? Who isn’t?! Lisa Liberatore gets it, and her book, Power of Transparency, offers a solution: creating transparency in all you do. Her sections on navigating life’s obstacles, staying on track with goals, and communicating openly are hugely empowering in a world focused on Instagram images, sound bites and other faux-perfect mesasging.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Learn how to find meaning and clarity in both personal and professional life, manage expectations, and GET FOCUSED. This book’s impact cannot be stressed enough!

You Are a Badass at Making Money

#1 New York Times bestselling author Jen Sincero’s You Are a Badass at Making Money has quickly become a cult favorite – and for good reason! Her story is incredible: she transformed her life from broke to bountiful over just a few years.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Using her balls, wit, and real-world solutions, she helps readers unleash their earning potential, see money in a new light, and uncover what’s been holding them back from making money. Her bite-sized concepts and strategies make this book truly memorable and, more importantly, actionable.

Secrets of Six-Figure Women

Dig this: in 1998, the average woman earned less than $25,000 annually. As of 2018, over 15 million women make $100,000 or more – and that number is growing at a faster pace than men!

What makes these women able to pull these incomes, even in varied industries? Barbara Stanny was curious, and her research became Secrets of Six-Figure Women, an Amazon best-selling book. What she found is that, though these women came from different backgrounds and have vastly different careers and work experiences, certain characteristics remain the same.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

This book will help single moms work through the poverty mindset and focus on earning and growing their wealth.

Divorce books

Maybe you’re deciding whether to get divorced, or learning about the divorce process. There is a book for that.  

How to Talk to your Kids About Your Divorce

Dr. Samantha Rodman, author of How to Talk to Your Kids About Your Divorce, knows there’s no easy way to discuss the tricky subject of divorce with your kids.

But whether you’re breaking the initial news, or helping your children cope with their changing environment following yourseparation, it’s totally possible to have open and effective communication with them.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Dr. Rodman teaches moms how to help kids express their thoughts about the divorce and validate their concerns and emotions. Her sections on answering questions in age-appropriate ways is a big favorite for a lot of moms, and the expertise in both psychology and relationships is obvious after reading only a few pages.

The Co-Parenting Handbook

Anyone who reads my blog, listens to my podcast, follows me on YouTube, or knows me in general, knows that I’m a HUGE proponent of co-parenting. However, it’s still a largely debated matter for many families. Karen Bonnell’s book, The Co-Parenting Handbook, is a buoy in the sea of questions about exactly what “co-parenting” means and how to make it happen.

The book addresses practical and logistical questions of how shared parenting works, plus strategies for parents and children that help make this method work for your own family unit.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Shared parenting is critical for women, as involved co-parents, both inside and outside of marriage, mean women have far more support at home, which allows us to thrive as parents, professionals and earners. After all, we can’t be equals at work, if men are not equals at home!

Divorce Poison

Parental alienation is real, mamas. It’s a subject I’ve written about in the past and one I’m particularly passionate about. Richard A. Warshak discusses this form of abusive behavior in depth in his book, Divorce Poison.

Warshak explains how to deal when your ex-spouse bad-mouths you to your kids, portrays you in a negative light, and/or attempts to turn your children against you.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

You’ll learn powerful strategies to preserve and rebuild your relationships with your kids, and what to do from legal and mental health standpoints to prevent longer-term repercussions of these negative situations.

How to co-parent with a toxic ex

Happy Divorce

With a two-part approach, Rossana Condoleo’s Happy Divorce shows readers how to turn their divorce into the most empowering and transformative opportunity of a lifetime. Part One offers support and comfort for women coping with the stress and pain of separation and divorce. From there, she moves into helping uncover and embrace the readers’ visions, true Self, dreams, and purpose, setting goals along the way.

Part Two is very practical advice for everything from managing social life post-divorce, helping children cope and understand the shifts, taking care of a home on your own, choosing and dealing with divorce lawyers, and many more guides.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Anyone looking for a one-two-punch of compassion and advice in the wake of a divorce should grab a copy ASAP!

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Mira Kirschenbaum’s book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, is the perfect book for anyone who finds themselves wondering, “Should I get a divorce?” As an international bestseller and well-respected therapist, her years of relationship counseling make her well-equipped to answer this troubling question.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Kirschenbaum’s techniques and questions are meant to promote self-analysis and get to the root of relationship and marital issues, which she follows with no-BS, practical advice for relationships – new or old – delivered in a clear manner.

Kids Books About Divorce

Two Homes

Kids books about divorce can be a little tricky to come by. Claire Masurel’s book, Two Homes, handles the often-sensitive topic of divorce with the perfect measure of optimism and sensitivity. The book describes main character Alex’s favorite elements of life at both parents’ homes – “At Mommy’s house, Alex has a soft chair. At Daddy’s house, Alex has a rocking chair.”

Why I like this book for single moms: 

The words are simple, positive, and reassuring, and Alex’s place is firmly established in both homes with loving detail. A simple book for small kids — and their parents.

Dinosaurs Divorce

Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown has been a learning and coping tool for families for over 25 years. Through basic storylines and lovable dinosaur characters, it helps young children understand basic concepts like divorce words and what they mean and why parents divorce, plus what to expect after divorce, like telling friends, meeting parents’ new friends, and living with stepparents and step-siblings.

Why I like this book for single moms: 

It even helps kids know how things will change once divorce takes place, such as celebrating holidays and special occasions. Knowing why divorce happens and what to expect has made so many kids feel more comforted and secure, and I highly recommend helping them learn with an age-appropriate book like this one.

Llama Llama Series

Moms love this Llama Llama series by Anna Dewdney in part because seemingly-solo Mama Llama is so freaking relatable! She teeters on the edge of blowing her stack as her little Llama Llama gets grumpy during holiday shopping, refuses to share with his playmates, takes all his frustrations out on the poor woman, and will not stay in bed already. She’s also sweet and giving and rounds out a whole, real mom in a way so few children’s books do. Stay strong, Mama Llama!

Why I like this book for single moms: 

Llama Llama books are beloved classics, and I love the realistic and fun way that the single mom is the quiet hero in them all.

What are your favorite single mom books? Let us know in the comments!

I have written extensively on the importance of the movement towards shared parenting. A review of 60-peer reviewed studies found that shared parenting is best for children in separated and divorced families — when time is split approximately equally between homes — including in high-conflict situations.

Very closely related is the recognition by courts and mental health experts of parental alienation, or the psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent. Parental alienation is increasingly recognized as child abuse, and the result of mental illness in the alienating parent.

This post aims to serve as a clearinghouse of useful information for parents who feel they have been alienated, as well as children who are victims of parental alienation. This article does not address estrangement that is justified as a result of abuse or neglect. Parental alienation specifically focuses on the unjustified dislike or mistrust of one parent (the targeted parent), due to the deliberate actions of the other parent (the alienating parent).

If your children have been alienated from you — or you fear they might be — I recommend starting with the book Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak, PhD, widely recognized as a leading expert on parental alienation.

From Amazon about Divorce Poison:

Your ex-spouse is bad-mouthing you to your children, perhaps even trying to turn them against you. If you handle the situation ineffectively, your relationship with your children could suffer. You could lose their respect, lose their affection, and even, in extreme cases, lose all contact with them.

This groundbreaking work gives parents powerful strategies to preserve and rebuild loving relationships with their children and provides legal and mental health professionals with practical advice to help their clients and ensure the welfare of children.

Divorce Poison offers advice on how to:

• Recognize early warning signs of trouble
• React if your children refuse to see you
• Respond to rude and hateful behavior
• Avoid the seven common errors made by rejected parents

Divorce Poison on Amazon >>

I write about parental alienation in my new book: The 50/50 Solution: The Surprisingly Simple Solution that Makes Moms, Dads and Kids Happier When Parents Split (Sourcebooks, March 26, 2024)

What is parental alienation?

3 types of parental alienation

• Mild parental alienation
• Moderate parental alienation
• Severe parental alienation

What are the signs of parental alienation?

1. Badmouthing
2. Limiting contact
3. Interfering with communication
4. Interfering with symbolic communication
5. Withdrawal of love
6. Telling the child that the targeted parent is dangerous
7. Forcing the child to choose
8. Telling the child that the targeted parent does not love him or her
9. Confiding in the child
10. Forcing child to reject the targeted parent
11. Asking the child to spy on the targeted parent
12. Asking the child to keep secrets from the targeted parent
13. Referring to the targeted parent by first name
14. Referring to a step­ parent as  “Mom” or “Dad” and encouraging child to do the same
15. Withholding medical, academic, and other important information from targeted parent/keeping targeted parent's name off medical, academic, and other relevant documents
16. Changing child's name to remove association with targeted parent
17. Cultivating dependency/undermining the authority of the targeted parent
18. Child’s polarized views of their parents

How to prove parental alienation

How to disprove parental alienation

How to deal with parental alienation

Parental alienation FAQs

Recommended reading on parental alienation

Podcasts about parental alienation

What is parental alienation?

Parental alienation is a form of child abuse in which the toxic actions of one parent intentionally harm the relationship the child has with the other parent. In these cases, the child rejects the alienated parent based on flimsy reasoning. Parental alienation occurs almost exclusively in cases of separated and divorced families, and one study found that parental alienation was an issue in 13.4 percent of divorced families, with nearly half being severe.

According to Vanderbilt University psychiatrist and parental alienation expert Dr. William Bernet:

“Almost every mental health professional who works with children of divorced parents acknowledges that Parental Alienation—as we define it—affects thousands of families and causes enormous pain and hardship.”

Beware of these 18 sneaky divorce tactics so you can overcome them

3 types of parental alienation

Psychologists have identified three degrees of parental alienation: 

Mild parental alienation

Child may resist visits with the other parent, but then enjoy their time when they are along with their mom and dad, and away from the alienated parent. 

Moderate parental alienation

These kids resist time with the alienated parent, and remain resentful during their time together. 

Severe parental alienation

Severely alienated children not only resist time with the other parent, but also actively run away or otherwise act fearfully to not be around that parent.

• A campaign of denigration against the targeted parent
• The child’s lack of guilty feelings for rejecting the target parent
• When asked, the child gives irrational and frivolous reasons for the criticisms of the targeted parent
• The child paints the parents in black and white — one parent can do no wrong, while everything the second parent does is horrible.
• A knee-jerk defensiveness of everything about the favored parent
• A child who parrots the favored parent's words, often using phrases of an adult to describe the rejected parent, or citing scenarios that he or she heard the favored parent speak about, but did not himself experience.
• Spread of the child’s animosity toward the target parent’s extended family or friends.
• A child suffering from parental alienation often insists that his feelings are entirely his own. The child might call his father to say: “I don’t want to come to your house anymore. Mom had nothing to do with this decision, I made it all on my own.” The alienating parent is quick to protect the child’s “right” to choose whether he wants to visit his parent.
• Children may show warmth and affection towards the targeted parent when alone with them, but then speak poorly of them to others, including the alienating parent.

What are the signs of parental alienation?

In her book Working With Alienated Children and Families Amy J. L. Baker, author of Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex, identifies these 18 toxic signs that a parent aims to alienate:

For more tips on co-parenting with an ex, read Co-parenting rules—even with a difficult ex

1. Badmouthing

Alienating parent uses toxic verbal and non-verbal communications that convey to the child that the targeted parent is unloving, unsafe, and unavailable. Existing flaws are exaggerated and non-existent flaws are manufactured.

2. Limiting contact

The alienating parent violates parenting plans and/or takes advantage of ambiguities in the plan to maximize time with the child. The targeted parent has fewer opportunities to counter the toxic, badmouthing message, leading to the attenuation of the parent-child attachment relationship. The child acclimates to spending less time with the targeted parent.

3. Interfering with communication

The alienating parent demands constant access to the child when the child is with the targeted parent but does not reciprocate when the child is with him/her. Phones are not answered, email messages are blocked, and messages are not forwarded. The targeted parent has fewer opportunities to be a part of the child's daily world and share with the child the small moments that make up a child's life.

4. Interfering with symbolic communication

Thinking about, talking about, and looking at pictures of a parent while away can help a child feel close and connected to an absent parent. The alienating parent creates a toxic environment in which the child does not feel free to engage in these activities with respect to the targeted parent.

5. Withdrawal of love

Alienating parents make their approval of paramount importance to the child; so much so that the child would do anything to avoid the loss of love that is experienced when the child has disappointed or angered that parent. Typically what angers and hurts the alienating parent most is the child's love and affection for the targeted parent.

Thus, in order to secure the love of one parent, the child must relinquish the love of the other. Although this is not something likely to be explicit to the child, it will be apparent to the targeted parent that the child lives in fear of losing the alienating parent's love and approval.

6. Telling the child that the targeted parent is dangerous

This involves creating the impression in the child that the targeted parent is or has been dangerous. Toxic stories might be told about ways in which the targeted parent has tried to harm the child, about which the child has no memory but will believe to be true nonetheless, especially if the story is told often enough.

7. Forcing the child to choose

The alienating parent will exploit ambiguities in the parenting plan and create toxic opportunities to seduce/compel the child away from the targeted parent by scheduling competing activities and promising valued items and privileges. If both parents are present at the same even/location the child will favor the alienating parent and ignore or be rude to the targeted parent.

8. Telling the child that the targeted parent does not love him or her

Another specific form of badmouthing occurs when the alienating parent allows or encourages the child to conclude that the targeted parent does not love him or her.

The alienating parent might make toxic statements that conflate the end of the marriage with the end of the parent's love of the child (i.e. daddy left us, or mommy doesn't love us anymore). The alienating parent will foster the belief in the child that she is being rejected by the targeted parent and distort every situation to make it appear as if that is the case.

9. Confiding in the child

The alienating parent will involve the child in discussions about legal matters and share with the child personal and private information about the targeted parent that the child has no need to know. The alienating parent will portray him/herself as the victim of the targeted parent, inducing the child to feel pity for and protective of the alienating parent, and anger and hurt toward the targeted parent.

10. Forcing child to reject the targeted parent

Alienating parents create situations in which the child actively rejects the targeted parent, such as calling the targeted parent to cancel upcoming parenting time or request that the targeted parent not attend an important school or athletic event. Not only is the targeted parent being denied something that s/he truly desires but s/he is being delivered the news by the child, leading to feelings of hurt and frustration. The targeted parent may respond by lashing out at the child, further damaging their already fragile relationship. Further, once children have hurt a parent, the alienation will become entrenched as the child justifies his/her toxic behavior by devaluing the targeted parent.

11. Asking the child to spy on the targeted parent

The targeted parent may have information in their files, desk, or computer that is of interest to the alienating parent, such as pay stubs, receipts, legal documents, medical reports, and so forth. An alienating parent might suggest directly to a child or hint that the targeted parent has information that s/he is not sharing with the alienating parent. The alienating parent will likely create the impetus in the child by linking the information to the child’s desires (i.e., if we knew whether Daddy got a raise we could ask for more money and buy a new dog for you). Once children betray a parent by spying on them, they will likely feel guilty and uncomfortable being around that parent, thus furthering the alienation.

12. Asking the child to keep secrets from the targeted parent

The alienating parent will ask or hint that certain information should be withheld from the targeted parent in order to protect the child's interests.

Such as, “If Mommy knew that we were planning on taking a trip she would take me to court and try to stop it. Let's not tell her until Saturday, when it will be too late for her to interfere.” Like spying, keeping secrets creates a toxic parenting psychological distance between the targeted parent and the child, who may feel guilty and uncomfortable with the targeted parent.

13. Referring to the targeted parent by first name

Rather than saying “Mommy/Daddy” or “Your mommy/Your daddy” the alienating parent will use the first name of the targeted parent when talking about that parent to the child. This may result in the child referring to the targeted parent by first name as well.

The message to the child is that the targeted parent is no longer someone whom the alienating parent respects as an authority figure for the child and no longer someone who has a special bond with the child.

14. Referring to a step­ parent as  “Mom” or “Dad” and encouraging child to do the same

Once the alienating parent is remarried, s/he will speak of the new partner as if that parent were the only mother/father of the child. This parent will be introduced to others (teachers, coaches, parents of friends) as the “mother/father” rather than as the step-parent.

15. Withholding medical, academic, and other important information from targeted parent/keeping targeted parent's name off medical, academic, and other relevant documents

All important forms from school, sports, religious education, and so forth ask for information about the child's mother and father. The toxic parent will not provide information about the targeted parent in the appropriate place on the form and may not include the information at all.

16. Changing child's name to remove association with targeted parent

If the alienating parent is the mother, she may revert to using her maiden name after the divorce and will institute a practice of using that name for her children as well.

If the alienating parent is a mother and she remarries, she will assume the surname of her new husband and will institute a practice of using that new surname for her children as well.

If the alienating parent is the father, he may start referring to the child with a new nickname (convincing the child that s/he has always been called by this name) and in this toxic way forge a new identity for the child in which the alienating parent is the most important parent.

17. Cultivating dependency/undermining the authority of the targeted parent

Alienating children often speak of the alienating parent as if that parent's dependency/undermining were perfect, exceptional, and in every way above reproach. They also behave as if they are dependent on that parent in a way that is not necessary or appropriate given their age and life experience. Alienating parents are able to develop dependency in their children rather than (as is typical of non-alienating parents) help their children develop self-sufficiency, critical thinking, autonomy, and independence. At the same time, they will undermine the authority of the targeted parents in order to ensure that the child is loyal to only one parent. Examples include instituting rules that the child must follow even when with the targeted parent, and mocking or overwriting the rules of the targeted parents.

18. Child’s polarized views of their parents

Richard Warshak, PhD., another leading expert on parental alienation and is author of the bestselling Divorce Poison, How To Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing. 

Warshak writes on his website of these behaviors in children suffering from parental alienation:

“Severely alienated children express extremely polarized views of their parents; they have little if anything positive to say about the rejected parent and often rewrite the history of their relationship to obscure positive elements …Severely alienated children treat the rejected parent with extreme hostility, disobedience, defiance, and withdrawal … These children harbor strong and irrational aversion toward a parent with whom they formerly enjoyed a close relationship. The aversion may take the form of fear, hatred, or both.

Alienated children’s thoughts about their parents become highly skewed and polarized. They seem unable to summon up positive memories or perceptions about the rejected parent, and have difficulty reporting negative aspects or experiences with the favored parent. They rewrite the history of their relationship with the rejected parent to erase pleasant moments.

With children who are severely and irrationally alienated, critical thinking about parents is nowhere in evidence. Instead the children demonstrate knee-jerk support of the favored parent’s position in any situation where the parents disagree.”

Learn more about parental alienation, and solutions for reuniting estranged parents and children in the documentary Erasing Family, a film by Ginger Gentile:

How to prove parental alienation

Unfortunately, parental alienation is hard to prove, whether to a therapist, to the victim, friends, family, as well as lawyers and judges.

If you suspect your child is being alienated against you:

1. Document everything you observe, in a journal, your calendar, or a co-parenting app. Also document all your visits, so you can counter should the other parent accuse you of missing scheduled visits. Also keep track of requests or remarks made by the other parent. One of the first, and widely used, co-parenting apps is OurFamilyWizard. This app features chat, information storage (like pediatrician and teacher contact info, prescriptions, etc.), and financial record-keeping. They offer a 30-day free trial, discounts for military families, and a program to provide OurFamilyWizard free to low-income families. Try OurFamilyWizard for free for 30 days now >>
2. Stick to, and enforce your visitation schedule. Either party skipping or interfering with scheduled visits is something that most courts will recognize as egregious at face value. Documenting any violations can help with future alienation court cases.
3. Foster an open relationship with your child, so they feel comfortable talking about everything — including any alienating behavior (“Daddy told me not to tell you …”) or abuse. If you suspect abuse of any kind, take the child to a professional, opposed to addressing the issue with the other parent.
4. Seek legal advice. Find a family attorney experienced with parental alienation cases, and seek their advice. This may include filing a court filing against your child's other parent, deposing them as well as any family therapists, relatives or people familiar with your family dynamic. Parental alienation court cases are almost always lengthy, expensive, and hard to prove.

How to disprove parental alienation

This article in the New York Bar Association’s Family Law Review by Ashish Joshi is a great overview of the legal process of disproving parental alienation.

How to deal with parental alienation

• You may not be able to manage the situation, but you can care for yourself. Therapy can help. Connect with a certified mental health professional through BetterHelp.com. Read our review.
• Blog and resource center of leading researcher and bestselling author Richard Warshak. Topics include mistakes alienated parents make, success stories of reunification, co-parenting advice, what courts can do about parental alienation.
• Craig Childress is a California psychologist and parental alienation expert whose site has a long list of academic and practical information on parental alienation.
• Ginger Gentile is director and producer of the documentary Erasing Family, about parental alienation. Her excellent Facebook page is a wealth of live videos around related topics.
• Read this post, A dad explains: “Why I don’t see my son.”, this post The real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids, and this post What to tell your kid when their dad is not involved

Parental alienation FAQs

What changes are needed for parental alienation laws?

Parental alienation affects millions of families, with one third of children whose parents divorce or separate losing all contact with one parent. But parental alienation goes beyond missing out on a relationship with one parent. Parental alienation means lost relationships with siblings, extended family and friends. The reasons for this human rights travesty are complex, and unfair court systems, as well as unstable, angry parents can be blamed.

To stem parental alienation requires a drastic paradigm shift in this country: one that stops celebrating mothers as the default better parent, and gets away from outdated and sexist assumptions that in times of separation, it is best for kids to have one primary home (with the mom), and occasional visit the other parent (the dad, who pays the mom). On all fronts, science has time and again obliterated these notions:

Whether you like it or not, shared parenting — which receives a 70 percent public popularity rating, split equally among men and women, conservatives and progressives, democrats and republics — is quickly being adopted by courts.

Why is child support so unfair to fathers? A case for needed reform

Since 2012, Arizona, Kentucky and Arkansas have passed shared-parenting laws that start custody negotiations with the presumption of equal time. This year, 25 states are considering bills that would do the same. 

In other words: The world is changing, and if you’re not on board with shared parenting, and recognizing the systematic atrocity that is parental alienation, it is time to get over it. Because faced with it in your own life, you are likely to lose in the face of a court, and if not, by a  judging society.

Ginger Gentile produced and directed Erasing Dad, a similar project in Argentina, and herself is the victim of parental resulting from her  parents’ divorce.

You can learn more about Erasing Family here, and support this important project.

Is parental alienation a crime?

While social science concludes that parental alienation is traumatic and abuse towards both the child and targeted parent, there is little legal precedent to position it as a punishable crime, primarily because it is nearly always dealt with in family court — not criminal court.

How prevalent is parental alienation against mother? How common is parental alienation against father?

There is an assumption — prompoted often by family violence advocates — that fathers use parental alienation to abuse their ex-partners.

Social science finds otherwise.

Jennifer Harman, a Colorado State University social psychologist who studies parental alienation and its consequences, in 2020 published in the Journal of Family Violence, findings that mothers and fathers use different tactics in alienating tactics, with mothers using indirect methods such as spreading rumors, while fathers used both indirect and direct methods, like badmouthing the mother to the child. Harman found that 14% of fathers, and 20% of mothers in the sample used equal amounts of both forms of aggression.

This article outlines many studies over the past three decades that have found that generally, parental alienation is used against fathers more often than against mothers.

Recommended reading on parental alienation :

‘Parental alienation’: What it means and why it matters at TheConversation.com

Lost Parents: When High Conflict Divorce Leads to Parental Alienation on Huffington Post

Detroit Free Press article about a various reunification programs specifically for alienated families

Expert Richard Warshak's breakdown of leading program Family Bridges

Legal Dictionary on Parental Alienation

Edward Kruk, PhD, is a leading researcher on parental alienation and co-parenting, and his thoughtful posts on PsychologyToday.com are a great read.

Podcasts about parental alienation

With co-founder of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, Terry Brannen:

On this Like a Mother episode I interview film maker Ginger Gentile, whose latest project is Erasing Family, a documentary about parental alienation. Award-winning documentarian and herself a victim of parental alienation, Gentile's work focuses on the now-adult children who grew up without knowing a parent, siblings, or extended family thanks to the wishes of another parent — and a court system designed to promote conflict between separated families.