I often hear from moms who:
- Say that their ex freaked out in jealousy when he found out she was dating, and how should she deal with him?
- Ask how she should tell her ex about her new boyfriend.
- Are livid her kids met her ex’s new woman.
- Insist on meeting the kids’ dad’s new girlfriend before the children do
To all of these scenarios, I say: It is none of his or your business.
That is right: Your romantic life is none of your ex’s business. Nor is his yours.
(On the other hand, if you struggle about telling her new boyfriend about your divorce — that is another issue. He should absolutely know your marital status, and the general facts, but may not want to be mired in the minutia of the proceedings).
Now, you may follow Gwyneth Paltrow and the pat divorce advice that informs you to constantly communicate with your ex and involve them in all decisions that involve the kids, which you can do with a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard (especially if you and your ex don’t always get along). Some people have really beautiful relationships with their exes, or friendly or civilized relationships. That’s great. As in any relationship — platonic, romantic, familial, professional — you conduct yourself with dignity and according to the understanding of disclosure with the other party.
But that is an agreement — implicit or explicit — with that person. That is not the law of co-parenting for every family.[29 rules for successful co-parenting]
In other words, if you and your ex have a nice relationship and chat freely and often about the goings-on in your lives, and you start dating someone and have been telling everyone else in your life about this special new person, then it would be really weird and suspicious if you didn’t tell your ex.
Not that many people have that kind of relationship. Pretending you do, when you don’t, only creates problems.
As I’ve written about extensively, dating is normal and healthy regardless of your parental status. Kids seeing their mother or father spend time with nice people, people who may be casually involved in the children’s lives or become lifelong step-parents, does not need a security clearance from the other parent.
Because you are no longer romantically entwined and, as such, you are each free to date as each of you see fit.
Also: Parents dating is not a big deal.
Hear more about intro’ing your new guy to the kids, and whether you should tell their dad in this Like a Mother episode:
If it feels like a big deal that the other parent is dating around the kids, there are several possible explanations:
- The upset parent is jealous or otherwise not emotionally over the relationship.
- The upset parent is hyper-controlling (which is basically the same as above).
- The upset parent has an unhealthy attitude about dating overall, and thinks it is a toxic, dirty thing children must be protected from.
Further, if you know your ex will be upset about the new person, but tell them anyway, there are some not-great reasons for this, too:
- You’re trying to make him jealous.
- You are living in a fantasy world in which you have a happy co-parenting relationship in which sharing about your romantic life is organic and normal, ignoring your reality that proves you have anything but.
- You’re flaunting your newfound independence and his inability to control you.
- You know he will get all crazy and jealous and make a scene in front of your new boyfriend, who you suspect will then get jealous and crazy and you get off on the sword fight (or some other similar crazy-making ain’t nobody got time for).
When to tell ex about your new relationship
Are you worried that:
Your ex-husband is or will be mad about your new boyfriend.
Your ex-husband is jealous of new boyfriend.
Telling ex wife about a new relationship will upset your co-parenting.
These are all legitimate concerns. Sometimes people become violent, difficult or unreasonable when their exes start new relationships. A few guidelines:
- You are not obligated to share details about your romantic life with your ex. It is none of their business.
- If you have a decent relationship with your ex, and you have kids together, it can be both kind and practical to tell him or her that you have a new partner that will be spending a lot of time with the kids.
- If your motivation in telling your ex about a new love interest is to make him or her jealous, or otherwise manipulate them, don’t.
How to tell your ex you’re seeing someone
When communicating with your kid’s other parent, communication is key. Whether by text, phone or in-person:
- Stick to the facts, and information he needs to know
- Don’t get emotional
- Don’t lecture him
- Respond promptly
- Communicate as you hope he would communicate with you
- Don’t respond if he gets angry/ lectures / threatens / gets emotional
Meeting your ex’s new partner?
Michael Ceely, a licensed marriage and family therapist in the San
Francisco Bay Area, offers these tips for meeting your ex's new boyfriend or girlfriend:
- Remember that it doesn't matter if you like the new partner. “If your ex’s new boyfriend or girlfriend seems unstable or unsavory, it might be better to stay out of the picture. In the eyes of your children, you meeting the new partner could be interpreted as a stamp of approval,” Ceely says. “You may not approve of your ex's new partner, and that's okay.”
- Be open to being pleasantly surprised by genuinely liking the person.
- Check your jealousy. “It's natural to be jealous about your ex’s new partner. But for the sake of your kids, keep your jealousy in check,” Ceely says. “Showing jealousy could create a rift between you and your kids, especially if they like your ex’s new partner. Be cordial and professional and don't embarrass your children by being jealous.”
Rules for introducing the kids to your new partner
- You decide within yourself what your values are, and conduct yourself consistently within these values. Everything comes back to this. Be consistent. Your commitment to your own values will inform your ex how he can expect you to behave, and what is expected of him. This teaches your children the meaning of values overall, and evokes their respect and sense of security (because they know their mom is a strong and just leader). It also does men you date a favor. They are likely unsure about the kids-dating-mom rules, and look to you for what is what.
- For you, is dating or having a boyfriend and telling your kids about this man an earth-moving occasion requiring a NATO summit of your children’s closest inner circle? If yes, then draft a written letter informing your ex that the man you have been on six dates with will be joining you and the kids for Taco Tuesday three weeks from the following Tuesday, have the letter notarized and sent via your lawyer to his lawyer.
- If you don’t think it’s a big deal to intro your new boyfriend to the kids, then just introduce your boyfriend to the kids when you feel like it. Remember: The longer you wait, the bigger a deal this becomes, the more pressure mounts on him, you, the kids, and the relationship.
- If you have a nice, friendly and open relationship with your ex, then share your dating status with him in a way that is consistent with the rest of your dealings.
If you don’t think dating is a big deal, but know your ex will go ballistic if he finds out a man who is not him spent time in the same minivan as his children, then you should tell him. The reason is this: If you know he will go bananas about the kids meeting a man, then your kids one some level know their dad will go bananas about them meeting your man. That creates a giant tension in the family, and your kids will be inclined to chose sides, lie and protect you, their dad, and most of all, themselves.
How to co-parent while dating
Co-parenting and setting boundaries with your ex when in a new relationship
That is why I say in this situation: Tell your ex. Do not ask him. Tell him, and do not care one tiny bit about his response. You do not introduce the men to each other (yet, at least), or make any moves at all that suggest you are looking for his approval. A text that says: “I wanted you to hear it from me and not the kids: I am dating, and sometimes the guys I see meet the kids.”
It’s not up for debate, or discussion. This is your romantic life, and your court-ordered time with the kids. If your ex argues this is harming the kids, let him take you to court for inviting a nice man along with you to Applebee’s. Otherwise, ignore his tantrum.
And if you are the mom going bananas because you heard from your kids / the ex / his cousin / Facebook that his new girlfriend about whom everyone has more or less nice things to say has been staying over at his place, check yourself. Because this is just the reality of a two-household family. He is the kids’ father, and legally he has a right to parent as he sees fit. You might not like her, or agree with his decisions, but abuse aside, you have no legal or moral right right to try to stop that.
In fact, the more you try to control his life and his time with the kids, the worse life will be for the whole family. Including for you.
In fact, if this is you, I urge you to revisit your values. Because the more supportive you are of your ex’s new relationship or romantic life, the more supported your kids feel, and the more cooperative your ex will perceive you to be.
Coparenting tips for blending families
Blending families is a struggle, no matter how wonderful all parties are. But there are some general guidelines for melding step- and blended families after a divorce or single parenthood:
- Parents make the rules and lead, not children
- Take it slow. No need to rush.
- Children’s feelings and concerns should be listened to, addressed and prioritized. But that does not mean that kids are in charge.
- In a healthy family involving two parents in the household (of course healthy families can consist of any configuration), the romantic couple puts each other first, before kids.
- Keep communication open with your co-parent and his new partner, if possible.
- Consider co-parenting counseling, or co-parenting classes
[Benefits of dating single dads, and where to find single dads to date]
Co-parenting and a jealous boyfriend
You may also consider therapy — either for yourself, your kids or for you and your ex. Learn about the top online therapy apps for 2021.
FAQs about dating and your ex
Can your ex control who you date?
No, and trying to do so is unacceptable unless there is a clear reason that person is a threat to your kids.
Can you stop your ex from introducing a new partner?
It is common for parenting agreements to include a clause about how long the relationship must last before the kids are introduce, as well as that the other parent must first meet the new partner.
These clauses are bullshit.
For one, they are not enforceable in court. Let’s say your divorce agreement states that you and your ex must wait 6 months before the kids meet a new partner, but your ex violates that. Are you going to haul him to court? And if so, what do you hope the judge will do?
Most likely the judge will be pissed that you are wasting her time with your control issues.
Two, this business of controlling the other parent’s dating life is messy. What if your ex starts dating a long-time neighbor the kids have known for years? Do they have to stop waving hello in the driveway until 6 months-from-the-day-they-first-had-romantic feelings? Who has time for all this minutae.
Plus, that six-month rule is somehow supposed to increase chances that the relationship is secure before the kids are brought into the mix. Of course, there are zero guarantees about relationship stability, most especially after divorce.
Three, let’s say you do meet the new girlfriend before the kids do, and you don’t like her. Then what? You have no more control over how that situation progresses than your ex has over your new boyfriend.
Let it all go, and focus on things you can control!