Mention the fatherless epidemic in the United States, and the arguments are polarizing. We hear things like “Father refuses to see child” or “Father not involved in child’s life.” These issues can be especially thorny during the holidays.
It’s easy to fall into stereotypes about deadbeat or indifferent dads, but I discovered the issue is quite complicated:
Father not involved in child’s life? A look into why fathers walk away after divorce
It is either:
- Men are irresponsible douchebags who abandon their children to mothers, who are left to raise the children with few resources, or …
- Women are conniving, malicious, entitled nut-jobs who alienate fathers from their children while taking all said fathers' money — all of which is supported by the family court system.
However, as we unpack in this article, the real reasons are more complicated, complex and human. Men after all, are marginalized as inferior or at least secondary parents, a fact that is codified in family court when mothers are nearly always granted primary time with children — a power position that means men and dads are officially a lesser parent.
Read: My advice to moms and dads whose other parent is not involved
Why do fathers give up?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children, for reasons including:
- Sexist culture that does not value or support dads, or prime boys to grow up to expect to be involved, meaningful parts of their children's lives
- Family and divorce courts that favor mothers=
- Parental alienation, in which one parent turns the kids against the other parent
- One dad's compelling story about why he doesn't see his kids (keep reading)
- Many dads don't believe the child is theirs or were tricked into fatherhood, or otherwise felt they did not decide to father the child.
853 reader comments and counting on this post tell a story about how prevelant fatherlessness is, how passionate people feel about its reasons and results — and how varied and nuanced those reasons can be.
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How can a father walk out on his child?
After studying this issue for the four years I've had this blog, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced. Men walk out on their child for many reasons, including:
- They never wanted to be a dad in the first place but were trapped
- They have been marginalized by our culture and court system to every-other-weekend parents, which is more painful than walking away and starting a new life that promises more joy
- Conflict with the child’s mother is too difficult to navigate
- They feel unworthy of parenthood, and feel like walking away is the best thing for the child
- The father never had a strong father figure, does not feel competent as a dad nor understand how important his role is.
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A father's experience with parental alienation
What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
These stories resonate with me, as they have challenged my earlier, blind admonishments that every parent has a moral obligation to fight for their children, no matter what.
I still believe this, but I also believe in empathy, and for recognizing each other's humanity.
Here is one story from a reader, John G:
Point of view from a dad who doesn't see his child
From my own experiences, I believe it's widespread for women to use children as a weapon to exact revenge against the ex during, and after, divorce proceedings.
During my lengthy divorce, my ex-wife claimed I was abusive, that she was ‘afraid for her safety,’ and tried to get ‘supervised visitation.’
None of it worked, because it wasn’t true, and because, as an educated professional I had enough money to spend six figures on an attorney.
However, it was still a waste of time and money. Even after the divorce, the games continued.
My son was being tutored on what to say to me (did you ever hear a 7-year-old respond ‘I’m not comfortable talking about that’ when asked a question?) and being instructed to call me by my first name and not ‘dad.’ I grew tired of making phone calls that weren’t answered, or of being put on hold and the child not coming to the phone, and of canceled visits.
It was heartbreaking seeing the child slip away from me, little by little.
I went to court on several occasions. There is the assumption that the man will just sit there and take the abuse because he does not want to lose the child.
She stuck by the letter of the law, and was able to severely limit my contact with my son by way of orders of protection and maintaining to the courts that he was a ‘danger.’
Related: This is the real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids
Orders of protection as divorce strategy
Of the divorced, professional men that I know, all of them had orders of protection against them by their wives.
This is even a problem that is recognized by the courts. Some attorneys go so far as to admit that the ‘afraid for my safety’ issue is part of the ‘gamesmanship of divorce.’ I went from the mindset of being a father to the child, to being reduced to the status of a ‘visiting uncle’ or a ‘Disneyland dad’ allied with thinking all the time like an attorney.
I was often worried what would happen if she started to make untrue claims that I had (for example) abused the child. When he fell over and scraped his arm when he was with me, I was advised by my attorney to go to all the trouble of going to the doctor, having the scrape bandaged and so on, just to legally cover myself in case she would claim that it had in fact been intentionally caused.
While on the lookout for anything that could be used against me, all the while constantly being told I was a bad person, a bad father, and all my involvement with my son was systematically stripped away. The whole process became a painful sham.
Where to find the best, affordable life insurance for single moms (no medical exam) in 2023
Father refuses to see his child? Not quite …
I eventually reached a crossroads with four paths. Some men commit suicide because they can’t handle the anguish. Others resort to violence and anger against the ex-wife. Others take the difficult road, and sacrifice years of their happiness, battling on a hopeless battle with the ex, just to maintain some sort of contact with the kids. The fourth way, is to simply give up, and decide that the cost to the child through seeing the conflict, and to oneself, is too high.
I considered all the above paths for a long time and was tempted by more than a few of them. In the end, I walked away from all contact with my child more than two years ago.
What to do when the non-custodial parent doesn't show up or cancels last minute
Mother keeping child away from father
After I had calmed down, I tried again and contacted the ex. I had hoped she would have calmed down and would be willing to work with me.
But no, she is still the same bitter and vengeful baggage that she always was. Rather than attempting to discuss things and put things on the right track, she is willing to communicate in writing only.
She refuses point blank to let me contact the child. Everything has to go through her.
Some people will say it would be the noblest thing to carry on fighting regardless. ‘I would do anything for my kids!’ they spout.
Frankly, I feel that’s very naive and is almost always a view propagated by women.
Any father here who has been generously granted a weekend every two weeks knows the feeling when you say goodbye.
You’re just getting used to having them around, and they are gone. It’s like having a wound that never heals. Like a band-aid being ripped off over and over. The pain never really went away.
During those days, I used to recall these lines from Shakespeare's King John:
Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;
Logically, I have to balance the damage to myself, my life and mental health, the possibility of the conflict damaging the child, against the damage done by my absence.
People who don’t know the situation raise their hands in horror, or pass judgment, assume that this is a choice that is taken lightly and easily. It is not.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. Sometimes I see children in shops that look like my child and find it hard not to break down.
Sometimes I can’t take my eyes away. Even the shoes are the same. I don’t like to watch movies with children of that age in them.
I had to remove all the photographs that I had of my child and every other item and put them in a box. And that’s where all those emotions are now.
In a box, held tightly under control, so that I can try and enjoy some semblance of a normal life. It usually works.
I spoke to my ex recently. She claims that the child is just fine. She doesn’t seem to think that I’m needed and believes that my seeing the child is a bad thing.
She told me that the gifts I had been sending postally were in a box and he never got them. What is the point of trying? Who am I to argue?
She lives with the kid and does the real parenting. All that I could do, once a month or less (she lives a long way from me) would be to visit for a shallow shared visit, a museum trip perhaps – that’s not parenting – that’s just being a Disneyland dad.
I am in despair that many people and the courts expect the impossible. They expect the man to be totally interested, committed, involved with his child’s life – and yet – they make it impossible for that involvement to happen.
How can you remain interested and involved when you are given no information about the child’s everyday life, when even the most basic contact is made difficult or impossible, when you are limited to four days a month contact time if you are lucky?
In far too many cases, the father is merely viewed as a source of income.
The mother is viewed as the ‘real parent’ who almost always gets physical custody of the child. And once she has the child, she is then almost entirely free of the threat of any consequences.
Related: What is parental alienation?
Impact on a child’s life when a father isn’t involved
This is a great shame for the children involved who will probably be involved in divorces of their own or be afraid of marriage because they have seen the consequences when they fail.
I shouldn’t be surprised if more and more men eschew marriage and traditional family values over the next century.
Personally, I refuse to be blackmailed by my better instincts. I refuse to be reduced to the level of a Disneyland dad by some judge, attorney, social worker or indeed his mother.
I refuse to beg for access, or beg for photographs, or ask permission when I can please take him on vacation.
No. They will have no more of me.
One day, I will be able to get in touch without going through her once the child is old enough. Until then, I intend to get on with my life.
Please listen to Terry Brennan, co-founder of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, explain why default every-other-weekend visitation leads to absentee fathers:
Note that in cases where ‘standard’ visitation is awarded — every-other-weekend — fathers become depressed and non-involved, and within 3 years, one study found, 40 percent of children in an unequal visitation arrangement had lost complete touch with their non-custodial parents, which are nearly always the father.
Have a listen:
Bottom line: Father not involved in child’s life? Try to make co-parenting work.
If you are tempted to turn your child against the other parent, or not sure what is the best kind of parenting time arrangement, keep it simple, and equal. In fact, there are now more than 60 studies that prove that equally shared parenting is best for children (and, moms and dads!).
While we're at it, have a read about why a simple, fair 50-50 shared parenting time with no child support is the best, fairest, and most feminist arrangement.
To prevent this kind of trauma, here are some tips to how to make co-parenting work:
- Accept that mothers and fathers are equal. This is a gender equality issue
- Accept that just because the other person doesn't parent like you do, that is not abuse.
- Let him fail, succeed and find his own parenting style. Many dads become better fathers after divorce because they have to.
- When communicating with him, use ‘your house' and ‘my house' … not ‘Home.' Same when you address the kids – “daddy's house” and “my house.” Both places are their homes..
- Keep him posted on matters large and small. Even if he doesn't show up for the teacher meetings, or make the doctors’ appointments, keep him abreast of what is happening with the kids.
- Buy him holiday and birthday presents on behalf of the kids.
But the bigger challenge is to change our culture, from one in which it is presumed that fathers are incompetent, and mothers are the default primary parent. Terry Brennan of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, and an equality activist. Listen to our podcast conversation:
For more on co-parenting communication, and reasons for better shared parenting, read: Co-parenting rules–even with a difficult ex
What do you think? Are you a dad who no longer sees his kids? Why? Please share in the comments …
Or, are you the mother of a child with an absentee father? What is your response?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children.
After studying this issue for years, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced, and there is plenty of legitimate room for both of these points of view. What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
I can fully relate to this article.. I moved to San Francisco during COVID in May of 2021 and met a girl in September and she got pregnant in February.. at the time I really was trying to work things out with this woman, who was 36 at the time and I was 34. I had never really lived in the city before and barely even experienced the social life and climate. Anyways, she got pregnant and we planned to move in together, unfortunately there were a lot of red flags with this relationship and I decided not to move in with her. So because she wasn’t from the SF Bay Area like I am she moved back to her home town with her parents in Tampa Flordia… where she had the kids and spent almost the next whole year in Florida. She eventually returned after about a year to CA for her job and tried using my parents for full time childcare. She also hired an attorney after the kids were born and forced me to sign a very unfair parental agreement, “supervisied vistation, no child support, she claims both on taxes, there twin boys, and I have to pay 50/50 for all childcare expenses”. My family at the time said its a good deal if you don’t have to pay child support, but in CA childcare is alot more than childsupport.. so anyways, I signed the paper because if I didn’t she threatened me with court and everything and told me she would leave the kids in Florida with her parents until the court issue was settled.. I hadnt seen the kids in months almost a year after the birth and I wanted to see them as did my family so I ended up signing it.
When she came back she tried using my parents for full time childcare and basically ran my mother into the ground almost causing a martial crisis.. I told her that I would be more than happy to watch the children together WITH HER while I teleworked but she looked for any excuse not to do that. And when I suggested that I could have them at my place she kept throwing the supervision in my face constantly. I literally did nothing to this woman, except not move in with her.
Eventually after about 2-3 months of my parents watching the kids FULL TIME while she was out living her best life, my mother finally stepped up and said NO MORE. They got into a brief dispute, and my ex ending up telling my mother that she will NEVER EVER see the kids again and she WILL NEVER EVER have a relationship with them. My mother was destroyed by that but my ex got exposed for what she truly was. I was always trying to explain to family and friends what kind of person she truly is but they never would listen to me until finally they got the same treatment from her, it was only a matter of time.
So now I barely see them because I can’t have them alone and she loves using the supervision as a way to control and manipulate the situation. I went down a very very dark path dealing with this whole situation at 34 years old, having children with this woman was probably the worst decision of my entire life and I honestly regret even meeting her. Sadly, my children will probably never really see me at all. and my folks told me that after a few years in CA and the high cost of living eventually she will flee back to Florida when her parents get old or whatever.
The thing about this whole situation is these kids have my last name, my grandfathers first name and my mothers maiden name. She doesn’t call them by those names though she made up 2 very different nicknames she says, but honestly I think shes creating a false identity to my children. It’s really sick.
I had to let go of this whole situation and leave it up to god, I realize now I am not a parent at all and will prob have to wait until there much older to ever have a relationship with them. I don’t know how I will be able to talk to them about what i had to go through but i do have some idea on how to approach it. The fact is that this woman had kids purposely, and she claimed she was a victim and i was this horrible monster. But in actuality she is the real demon here.
I
Hi, I just read your article.
To say the least, I agree 100%.. I myself raised 2 children from the ages of 5 and 2. We separated for reasons I won’t discuss. I didn’t want my children to suffer because their parents weren’t together..
I never sued him for child support and deffinetly never kept either child from him in any way.
We still did things as a family, and I even spent one Christmas with him and his family because my son didn’t want to if I wasn’t there..
Parents need to put their children first. We brought them into this world and I feel it’s our responsibility to them to make sure that their lives matter more than ours..
I see alot of mothers brain washing their kids against the father and I believe that is more than wrong!
When parents seperate and children are involved, those children will develop their own knowledge about each parent by themselves..
One of my brothers was married and had 2 daughters, when he divorced, his ex wife brainwashed the girls. Although he sent them birthday presents and money she kept that away from them. When they became adults, she told them she xi
Didnt know where he was.
He searched for his kids for many years.
He finally found them a few months before he died of cancer. He was so happy.
His oldest was 42 and has so much to say about her mom and how she was lied to all her life. She feels robbed because she never got to be around her dad and now,
She never will..
Superb article. Sat here having given up too. Close to bankruptcy almost homeless obligated under criminal penalty to pay 70% of income to my daughters’ mother who has alienated them, destroyed their childhood and eviserated any inheritance. The court system is a disgrace. It’s been 7 years now. Any failure by me is penalised, by their mother ignored. Before I believed in the system. Now I have faith only in myself. So, I leave the country for new life in the sunshine and walk away from the unremitting hell, the pain comes with me. Maybe as adults I see them again. I pray.
I met a young lady in the state of Georgia. After four months of dating I told her we weren’t met to be. A couple days later she told me she wanted to talk, I had a couple items in her apartment so I thought it would be the perfect time to gather them. Once I went over, she started with the crocodile tears and inform me to be understanding. To my surprise that’s when she told me she contracted the HIV virus a few months before she met me. The crazy part is I asked her about STDs and she initially denied that she had anything. I also gave her Plan B‘s which she never took. In the state of Georgia, it was a felony crime that she dead. There was no domestic violence on my part I think I was more shocked than anything. I fell into a great state of depression, thinking that I was infected. However, she was on the medication to block it, which is no excuse for her, not disclose in her information. Three days later she kept calling, and I would not answer so she sent me a text saying that she was pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. because I had given her Plan B so she told me she took it. However, she was really 6 1/2 weeks. She trapped me into this situation. And I did not want to have a child with her. But I started sending her mother money because kept calling me, begging me not to call the police on her. When the child was born, I had to stay outside the hospital because of Covid. After the child was 30 days old, she started giving me the child. And then a month later, she told me she couldn’t handle the child and she gave me the child. I had a child for nine months, flying back-and-forth the Georgia from New York just so she could see her and she never would really come over except for a hour or so every week. Finally, I couldn’t take it no more because she was getting benefits and not helping me with the child so I told her I’m taking her to court. I am a New York resident, so I thought signing the birth certificate was enough to have some form of legal rights. However, in Georgia there’s something called legitimization where the father hast to go to court to be recognized as the father. I went down there for Mother’s Day, and she didn’t show up so I told her enough is enough I’m taking her to court for full custody. I had put in the legitimization papers before I told her. However, she called the police and said I wasn’t legitimize, so the police threaten me with the arrest. Arrest on the terms of kidnapping even though I showed them that I wanted to take her to court and we had a court date. They said because the judge didn’t sign off I had to go through the channels. I was so depressed and hurt. I am mediately went out and got lawyers, which took eight months before I ever entered the court room costing me thousands of dollars. She invaded being served even though private investigators, called her, went to her home. By the time they finally serve her, we went to court and I was legitimized, but the case was left open. I thought the case was close by legitimize. I had a consent form to see the child for one month. After the consent expired a month later, she called me to give me back to child 54 days. I brought her back down to Georgia so so her mother could have time with her a month and a half later I want to pick the child up and put it into daycare because I asked her mother about it and it was determined that she would be better off in daycare with me. She was axing me for almost $3000 a month which was absurd. She requested that I bought the child back to Georgia for her birthday, but she kidnapped her with the police for her first birthday, and I felt that I deserved a second birthday. This is when she use the police again to call me and threaten me however, I was legitimized. So I went down to the New York courts in filed for. To my surprise, Georgia were still presiding over the case which they had jurisdiction to. Now I’m in another battle because the child hast to go back to Georgia. This female would get government benefits and never give me any of the benefits towards the child well-being. I just don’t believe in the system I think it’s created to destroy men.. My daughter at five months old came back with a slash on her face that could never be done by a small child and when I inquired about it, she told me to leave her alone the child scratched herself all the doctors that I brought the child so sad that is not a baby scratch. I’m so tired of paying lawyers that just milks my pockets that I’m ready to just give up. My daughter will grow and she’ll be broken, but I can’t let this girl have power over me because I have anxiety towards her mother. I am hurt, and I’m on high blood pressure pills from thinking too much. I have paid for everything for my daughter out of pocket with no assistance from the mother. And I just feel like I’ve been real rolled, and and I’m so tired of it. There are good men out there and I’m one of them. It’s like you turn to lawyers. Wow this female is going to court by herself or with a public defender and she’s winning just because she’s the mother. However, I just can’t let this girl have no more power over me. I asked her when I found out about the disease How does she feel when she contacted it? She stated that she was hurt and confused. And with those statements that she made that despised her because why would you put somebody else in that position. I think God that I don’t have anything, and my daughter was born with the virus. I just don’t know where to turn. I’m so depressed because I feel as if the lawyers just melt me because I care. I don’t have it in me anymore to pay another lawyer. Today I paid $5000 for a lawyer to represent me and Georgia and that’s it. I do not want visitation. I want to be the custodial parent because I know I do better for the child best interest. And just because she’s a woman, the system is against me. When she gave me the job, I let her back in by coming to my home and seeing the child and this is what she repeats me with. I cannot let her use my child as a weapon against me. I’m done. I don’t understand what judge can hear my story inside with this person. They say this custody battle is not about gender but it really is. I’m just confused. I regret not pressing charges on her because she calls the police on me so frivolously and use my daughter as a weapon they say hurt people hurt people and she’s heard of me, but I never heard of nobody and all I did was except my responsibilities and the system is killing me.
The first story from the “alienated” parent was triggering for me as it sounds exactly like what my ex could say about our situation, but it is an example of how the truth is easily manipulated and this leads to the abusive, toxic parent having more parenting time than is healthy for the children. The latest research in child development – and ask any child of divorce- is that kids don’t like being passed back and forth between homes – it is better for them to have a primary caregiver and every other weekend time with the other parent to maintain a relationship. It is also healthy for the primary caregiver to have time on their own to pursue their interests, new love, and career development, so this needs to be balanced. My ex could also claim that they never get to talk to our children – yet my ex calls our children’s flip phones, and most times they are busy with friends and activities and they are too young to check their voicemail regularly or maintain a schedule – their primary caregiver does that. Their other parent is unwilling to co-parent to coordinate times. My ex also asks them inappropriate questions about my life, and our kids have shared that it makes them feel uncomfortable – they have expressed not wanting to see this parent because the thought of being questioned causes them to feel anxiety. I have advised them to say, I don’t feel comfortable discussing that – seems like a reasonable, healthy way of dealing with an unhealthy parent who is trying to communicate with the other parent through the kids.
The statement regarding abuse makes me nauseous – people almost never make up abuse – and if this is being pursued in court, it is very likely true. In general, the larger, stronger human is the physically abusive one. Typically men can afford high-profile lawyers because they make more money and they can pay someone to twist the truth for them and get them more parenting time. I feel so sorry for children in a 50-50 situation with a toxic parent who doesn’t know how to support their needs.There are no easy solutions to this, except to raise your kids with love, humility and role model being a good human because our systems are so broken, but so are our families. Mandatory pre-nups!
So who wants to willingly. It’s in the child’s best interest but is a mother willing to give this up as well or just the father. Issue is not black and white. Who wants to willingly be a eow parent will mother willingly become that or will a father willingly become that. It’s not straight forward. Everyone is thinking what’s best for kids but at same time an eow parent becomes of little influence and impact on the kids lives which is not easy to become It’s horrible on a parents mental health as well. Most households both parents have jobs now so child rearing is actually done by both parents. The question becomes which parent loves they’re kid more to become an eow parent where father is usually shoved into that role but would a mother put her self in that role and accept it?
I am a mother, of whom never took out child support gave dad every chance in the world, never said he couldn’t see his son. Kept in contact with family and him through jail time son was 1-3 years old. When he got out ghosted now here it is around Father’s Day reaches out not to me or his family but a friend close to me who knows him and knows he’s not asked anything about how his son was doing or anything all this time. I kept lines of communication open was very considerate too. Offered to travel before and he made the decision to no longer be in his life, well now he asks to se him but for me to come to him states away. Am I in the wrong? He was abusive, was very aggressive, I ignored red flags and finally realized he would never change. knowing his family would happily bring him to me to see his son. I just don’t get it, he has had plenty of chances and it’s like now he just wants pictures of him and his son to boast that he’s a father. I have had open dialogue with him about how I feel about him staying in his life and he chose the leave. This is hard but am I in the wrong for seeing through his bs?!
I reckon that is the most succinct and accurate summary I have ever heard on this subject:
1. Men are irresponsible douchebags who abandon their children to mothers, who are left to raise the children with few resources, or …
2. Women are conniving, malicious, entitled nut-jobs who alienate fathers from their children while taking all said fathers’ money — all of which is supported by the family court system.
This is the most disgusting and misogynistic piece I’ve ever read in my life. This is all about this “Dad” – HIS feelings, HIS need to get on with his own life happily. Sorry “Dad” but when you become a parent, your own needs come second to that of your child. What a disgusting person and an awful piece of writing – I hope that enough research was conducted to prove that there was no abuse also.
All I heard reading this article was “me me me and my needs and feelings” from “Dad”. He’s right not to be in his boys life as he would be an awful and selfish parent.
I am also a father going through this sort of situation
My ex left me in September after I was doing everything for her I was working Monday to Friday and some times even Saturdays she eventually left me
And ever since iv been accused of all sorts of things.
I have been trying to keep in contact with my children
And I have been to the first hearing in court.
Where they are doing a section 7 report
But there is nothing on the court order saying I’m not allowed to see my children. Everything was going OK as I was seeing them every other weekend but my ex blocked me on everything Facebook tictok whatsapp and even blocked my number on the odd occasion she unblocks me for a hour or so then that evening I’m blocked again. I am at the Cross roads now and looking at the directions to take But not sure as yet what path to take.
I honestly been thinking constantly waking up in the morning just really letting myself go is the best option
I spent most of my life protecting others just to be treated like crap by the justice system just because I’m a man. Over here we have things like woman’s aid where a woman can go to for support for free to be put in a refuge but us as men have next to nothing of that sort unless we pay hundreds of pounds maybe even thousands to get any support. I am based in the uk and the system is just biased
The “forced out father” youth mental health crisis is identified here rather the stereo type “fatherless home”. You can read it in the news when the single parent mother who is parent alienation enabled by child custody chaos for cash uncivil family law tries to say they do not know what went wrong with thier child in the sad / bad news of the fatherless home. The mother of all child abuse is parent alienation and the fatherless home is more so the mother alienation home of cult culture like master manipulator issolating from love, care and share parent for their personal gain. The children must be issolated from dad so mom can play victim and get victim benifits in not only abusing her own children, but abusing child protection civil family laws. VAWA is the go to for mother parent alienation and many divorce child abusing mothers are out to ruin protection for our daughters if they ever truly need it. Worse are son’s may marry someone like parent alienation mom and then that mom and grandma will see how bad they were to their own children when their grandchildren are suffering the loss of a great dad.
My ex didn’t even try to stay near the kids. I had to pay his debts (some of which I, debt free, didn’t even know about), give him half my retirement savings. He left the country and sees the kids literally days per year (last year he took them to Disneyland). He lies about his income and doesnt pay sufficient child support. I don’t say anything bad about him to the kids, I make them zoom with him twice a week. He promises to see them then cancels. It’s heartbreaking for the kids. My older child, whom he used to be very close with, has severe anxiety and depression now.
I don’t think my ex is a douchebag, rather he seems to have some sort of inability to care about his children deeply or realize he impacts them, but also doesn’t realize that time passes and soon they won’t be kids and he’ll never be able to repair his negligence. It’s very sad for my children.
So this article didn’t reflect, in any way, my experience.
This article pisses me off. Just be there for your kid and quit thinking that the mom is some gatekeeper. You both should have equal access.
I’m a young father at the age of 22 going thru these problems, growing up I didn’t have a father figure in my life all I had was my mom to raise me and not having a father around it hurt real bad, u feel as if a part of u is missing and thinking about your child if u truly care about them u wouldn’t want them to experience that same feeling and that’s exactly wat I didn’t want to happen to my daughter, she’s 3 years old now and I only got to see her for a total of 4 months out all of those 3 years and it was when she was first born. My daughter mom been keeping my child from me for a very long time and being the kind of father I am that actually wanted to make a better life for his daughter and was always right there taking care of her, I mean I was letting my baby mama get vacations back to back even tho I was the only parent working I still stuck around for my baby, she was the only thing that made me realize I was worth something after growing up saying I wasn’t. Before my daughter was born with in 6 months of my baby mama pregnancy she cheated on me and I broke up wit her and even tho I hate her so much I still let her live wimme just so I could make sure her pregnancy would go well but none of that mattered after my daughter was born, she took my baby from me all because she was mad I didn’t wanna be wit her and that shit broke me in so many ways, I couldn’t even find da strength to get up out of bed da next day, all I could do was cry, punch walks, and try to kill myself even tho it wasn’t my fault still til this day I feel I failed to be a father. I tried going to court over and over to get more visitation wit my baby but no matter how much proof I had showing that I was being kept away from my daughter the court still took up for my baby mama, and I mean from her actions u can see she’s not fit to be a parent but the system just take up for women no matter how wrong they are, so wat the woman delivers the child? Without us men sliding in them they wouldn’t have the child so we have just as much rights to the child as the mom does.
$25,000 later (cash mind you), not including all previous court costs, I can happily say I don’t see my child by choice. I bet the kid feels extremely hurt, but this is what society wanted. Before realizing that no one actually cares about the child or the father, I’d beat myself up, feel guilty and a whole range of emotions. I even thought about transitioning to aquire some rights, but that’s when I realized I might as well just give up. I’d even thought of suicide, but that wouldn’t be fair and that’s what society, the courts and others want me to do. Don’t believe me? Just look at how society treats men and even treats children – it’s sad. At the end of the day, the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze.
This article will piss of parent alieantion mothers and those who do not believe in mothers who parent alieanate. Your right, there is a 4th Commandment not by a civil family law judge, but of the real judge whom uncivil family law judges ignore when mom is handed the kids with her made up story of dad for her victim play and personal gain which makes her power and control like master manipulator and cash cow for the child custody chaos uncivil family law network. That would make anyone one pissed off knowing this truth of mothers who parent alieanate abuse their own children for profit to the uncivil and unethical child custody chaos for cash network.
My child was used as a weapon to punish for divorce i was told i abused my wife when we pushed each other nothing more from argument which i had to attend year of anger management. Was told i could not see kid without supervised visits just total BS. The selfishness of my ex to present obstacles was just not worth what would have cost in courts and anguish on child i therefore avoided all contact and have lost contact. It hurts but i know its something i cant control. It hurts sometimes hoping one day can rectify
Sweet summer child, and while you’re at it, turn this lead to gold and solve world peace.
No they don’t. In my brothers case, he can do what he needs to and try to keep up with what he does in school, what doctors he sees, etc. but she likes to play games of changing things up on a dime and then informing him minutes before an appointment. The schedule he works is considerably tighter than hers will ever be. My own husband can’t keep up with changes and we’re happily married and I don’t play stupid games. My brother works a high risk job and he can’t check his time sensitive texts she sends at the very last minute while he’s on an active job site. If he misses those then he’s accused of not caring. It’s constant. It’s abusive. To see someone who loves and care for their child and who is trying their damnest to be involved get set up for failure for no other reason than she doesn’t personally like him. It shouldn’t be about her personal feelings. This is a child who shouldn’t have to be a pawn in her games.
As a woman, and a Feminist, I agree that the courts can be very bias against men. Any woman who uses a child as a weapon against their father is evil and can guarantee your child will grow to resent you. If a man or woman is abusive to themselves or others, they should have supervised visits or no rights at all, depending on the level of abuse, but outside of that reason a Men or Women should equal rights to their children. The child is the only one who will be hurt in the long run. Women, just because you gave birth to the child, that does not mean that the child belongs to you, and you are alone. If you are lucky enough to have man who wants to be involved in their children’s life, why would you try to interfere with that relationship. I also believe that if you a vindictive enough to interfere with that relationship you should not be entitled to getting any support. I don’t agree with the term that “someone trapped you” with a child, sex is for procreation and if you take part in it, you automatically consent to becoming a parent..Period. No form of birth control is 100% effective, so if you have sex be prepared to become a parent.
Is there anyone who can actually help when it comes to a man fighting? He’s complete hardest to even speak to his son. So many talking about these issues yet nothing changes. What is it actually going to take because it’s got to the point where they don’t even take the child’s interest into account
I’m a mother in the fathers position. I got divorced in 2018. The final year of my marriage had infidelity, my mom passed away of Alzheimer’s, my father had his leg amputated, so I started drinking. Alot. My ex husband filed for divorce while I was in rehab, so I missed my court dates. I was in inpatient rehab in another state, and everything defaulted. And now it’s 5 years later, and I’m an every other weekend mother whose been fighting for equal time with our kids, and I’ve been thrown everything from dv Accusations, drug accusations, to even getting an assault charge when my exes girlfriend attacked me. And now it’s been almost 2 months since he showed up to our meeting spot to do child pickup/drop off. And the dad in this article is right. It’s hard 5o say bye every other weekend after only 6 hours of time with our kids. And in at the giving up point because everyone is unhappy and it may be best for now.
A lady told me once, and she had no clue about my situation, “no matter how much love we have for your kids, sometimes we have to step back, and love them from a distance, for now. When they grow older, they’ll figure out on their own, whatever it is they need to figure out”
I’m 3 years in post divorce and trying to be involved in daughter’s life has brought me to bankruptcy and health issues to car accident and concussion to wanting to permanently check out. Daughter called her moms boyfriend and my daughter is losing interest in our 96 hours a month together.
My Ex with the full cooperation of Department of Health and Human resources ripped me to shreds in court. I never had a chance. Irresponsible accusations, baseless concerns. No due process. No supporting evidence. No burden of proof. Just a bunch of angry fingers pointing at me. Accusing me. Labels stabbed in my back. When Court was done, I had no rights, save supervised visits. Of course, to be supervised by my Ex, the same woman that abused me and my children for years. In the end, I was emotional, financially, mentally exhausted,. Tired of the abuse, I just walked away. It was the best decision I ever made. The more I fought for my children the more abuse I suffered. constant criticism, accusations. Neverending. The abuse only stopped AFTER I walked away from my children. I ache everyday for my children. But I did the right thing. Be very loud. Tell the Courts, your Ex,, you will be treated with fairness and respect When they refuse, as they will, WALK Away with head held high. Don’t let them abuse you. Just stand up and walk away. They don’t value you. They don’t respect you. They never will.
Going through this very thing, for the second time. I stupidly rekindled the relationship with my ex during a bereavement, when feelings became jumbled up and confusing. I loved being back in my kids lives, but I just didn’t want the relationship that came with them. Then things ended and I now find myself here again. My youngest now suddenly doesn’t want to even have a 2 minute conversation with me because, according to the ex, he thinks I’m the worst dad ever. I had three years of this crap when we first split up, but this time I simply don’t have any fight left in me. As I sit here writing this It’s been three days since I last spoke to any of my children. I know I probably won’t see them again and I’m hurting so bad I don’t know what to do with myself. I know it will get better though. I will get judged for giving up but this crap nearly killed me – I cannot put myself through it again.
This is one of the best articles I have come across. There are so many similarities. Illinois courts are maybe the worst that I can imagine. I spent all I had and lost jobs, relationships, mental health has deteriorated, and slowly that rare time with them went away completely. I was in court so many times
I lost count. Lawyers perpetuate the issue as well as the system. I cry daily. I’m in therapy again and have been when I can afford it for years. My biggest great now. And there have been many fears, as we have no rights, Is that they will still believe the same stories they have been told over and over by the ex and the mother in law. It’s complete alienation. I struggle daily not to off myself. Anyone who knows me knows that’s not who I am, but what I have become. I could write a 10k page book but that and therapy and Groundhog Day the movie becoming my life is all that’s left. My newest plan is to Thelma and Louise it or move to another state or Country but I know the memories will just be packed inside me. So…that’s that. I feel for every father or mother who have dealt with this. My life as I know it od long gone. Depression and sobriety are my only thought. It’s a viscous circle ⭕️ and the judge when I filed a motion for family counseling has not made a decision in 7 months while I am 100% in the dark. Illinois needs reform. This is exactly why when folks watch A&E and say, how did things go that bad? Now we
Know if r have a glimpse into how one parent can make a lifetime of decisions for the other without any regard for anyone but themselves. Men are checkbooks as
My ex says. Nothing. More. You think her new
Husband might notice that. But he’s under the same
Trance. I pray he doesn’t have to see her wrath if they separate. They reproduced. I. Got fixed. As they say. I pay one day for peace and joy in their lives and that one day of I’m still around get to see their beautiful faces and maybe one day have grandkids. That feels similar to winning the Powerball. And about the same odds. Fuck Illinois and wealthy narcissistic behavior. And finally. Fuck the system that profits controlling fathers lives from false information and actions.
I was babytrapped (the mother acknowledged she lied to get pregnant) and moved in state, bought a house to ensure I could raise my son but 3.5yrs of using my own child as a weapon against me to get what she wants at the expense of my life/goals/wants and constantly being falsely accused of cheating all these years while I see my son repeatedly getting hurt when he’s with her took a toll on me and I started being angry and verbally abusive whenever she behaves ugly towards me. I have had thoughts about suicide but I grit my teeth as it’s important for my son to be around me and doing what I can. I HATE the legal system and some of these brain dead/psychotic women.
Every other weekend plus a Wednesday overnight visit was what my ex (their father) had for a while. I liked having the time to myself and I used it to go back to school. But I also missed them a lot. Eventually, he stopped picking them up. For a while I tried to keep him involved. I drove them to his mothers house. I offered to meet him places. I gave him some money for car repairs. He always had reasons why he couldn’t pick them up when he was supposed to. So I stopped trying. Now I have the kids full time, haven’t gotten any cards or gifts, no phone calls or even a text message from him. I keep my same number just in case he ever wanted to get in touch. But he just doesn’t. It’s hard to explain to the kids. He never really paid child support but I don’t care about that because I stepped up to provide for them. If he could have kept up the every other weekend and Wednesday nights it would have been better for the kids. If a dad has shared custody like that he should show up for it. It’s not about what you want “I wanted to not feel the pain when it was time for them to leave” “I wanted to be a dad on my terms not a Disneyland dad.” You know what, be there in the time you can. See if you can get more. But don’t dip out based on what you want and didn’t get. It should be about the kids. I didn’t want to share them either but I did. Get a second job in that spare time and send your kids to college.
My boyfriend was separated and divorcing when we met. I knew that it would be a challenge and almost walked away because I just didn’t want to be bothered with the drama of a fresh divorce, especially since I was post divorce two years and have a great co-parenting relationship with my ex. But, I stuck it out and committed to be a partner in making things easier. Since the visitation order has been in place, every Sunday, she sees her dad on average…once a month. The ex would plan things fun for his daughter to do on the Sundays that he was supposed to get her. He just let it go. I tried to tell him to enforce it, but he didn’t want to rock the boat. It progressed to him going three months in a row without seeing her. I feel bad for him because I know he loves his kid and he is trying to be there for her, but a bitter mother will always make it hard and will use the child as a weapon.
This is one of the main reasons why I didn’t really want to get involved with someone going through this situation. Me and my kids got used to her visiting and now nothing. But, it seems like he has disassociated and just goes about his day like nothing is happening. I can’t fix the situation for him because it is not my fight. It takes a conscious effort to put animosity away and do what is best for the child. Definitely not easy..
I would rather eat a pound of broken glass than deal with the feminist whores and parasites in the Calofornia family court system again.
My partner is being alienated from his child for the last two years , as he has every second weekend , visitation. Mom routinely called him and said ” she doesn’t want you, she doesn’t need you”…. This man is crying himself to sleep fighting for his child in a court system that thinks he is inconsistent when in fact he’s not and its her that is.
Australian courts are the same. Even though he had written evidence of how abusive and toxic the mother is the queensland courts and police just side with her. whatever she says, without evidence, is accepted. Now after almost 3 years of fighting, financial ruin, lost jobs etc, my son says he has to give up.For his son’s sake because he is kept in the middle of the toxicity and with her saying she would rather see her son in foster care than with his dad and that she will keep fighting to see that happen and spend as much of his money as she can, my son feels if he steps away maybe things will be better for my grandson. And maybe my son will get a chance to heal. it is heartbreaking as my grandson wants to see and talk to his dad but she refuses to allow it and because he is only 5 he is not considered to have an opinion. The mother has also been blocking me and my family from talking to or seeing him. and the only way I can fix that is to go to court and we have no money left. So yes, my son cries daily and struggles bit we just cannot see what else to do.
I feel for all the dads that have to go through this. I have learned over the last few years just how biased the system is, how little support there are for dads and how courts help mothers destroy kid’s lives.
My marriage was toxic, some my fault, some because of, what I saw, was me being abused, who’s to say? I fought for my child, but every time I did it got worse and the accusations multiplied. Any conversation with my child was twisted into a fight. The courts “granted” me equal custody but it was never “allowed”. I was told by the lawyers that there was nothing i could do even though i was in the right. I chose to step back and let my child have a life and save the money that would have been wasted on a messed up legal system for my child’s life to be used when they could benefit from it. I was a good parent, all the things said about me were blown way out of context but who needs proof in the courts, right? I am a good parent to someone else’s children now but wish that my own could see through the lies and remember what type of parent I really am. I will always be here for them no matter what, I just hope they realize that soon. Life is too short for these stupid games or for using children because you are so petty. It is unfortunate but it is allowed. I love my child more than anything as that is how it should be, unfortunately for now that is shown through giving space. There is no “right” thing to do because it is all displayed as wrong, I still fear the abuse even after all these years. Hopefully some day the truth will win out.