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Finding a trustworthy and reliable babysitter for your kids can be daunting.

But when you do come across that perfect caregiver, it opens up a whole new world — for work, exercise, date nights, meeting friends for dinner, or even getting in some much-needed alone time. 

If you’re looking for a sitter, start by asking your friends and neighbors for recommendations. You can also hire local teenagers, college students, and older neighbors or offer to swap sitting with other parents in your neighborhood.

There are also plenty of babysitting sites and apps to help you find a babysitter in your area. These babysitting websites simplify the process, allowing you to book and pay for childcare services directly through their platforms. 

What are some of the best babysitting websites?

Here are some of the best babysitting websites:

• Babysits
• Bambino Sitters
• Care.com
• Seeking Sitters
• Sittercity
• Urban Sitter

How do I find a babysitter in my area?

• Facebook post
• Facebook groups
• Other moms
• YMCA and YWCA

(And tips and FAQs to help you find the right babysitter for your family.)

Babysitter website: Babysits.com

Is Babysits a legit site?

Babysits, which has been around since 2008, is a legit website and app that lets you search for babysitters in your area and filter results based on your needs. All you need to do is enter your zip code to see sitters in your area for free. 

As a premium member, you can communicate with sitters using Babysits’ secure messaging platform and book and pay for childcare directly through the website or app. 

When you click on a sitter’s profile, you can see their experience, skills, hourly rate, and availability. You can also check their reviews and references and see whether their profile has been verified. 

Babysits assigns a Supersitter designation to its top-rated and most active sitters. You can filter for Supersitters during your search.

Babysits doesn’t conduct full background checks, although babysitters can choose to complete a basic one through Babysits’ security partner. A babysitter will have a badge on their profile if they’ve cleared this basic background check, which traces their social security number and searches the national sex offender registry. Babysits recommends parents further screen a babysitter before hiring. 

Available for Apple and Android, the Babysits app has a 4.1 rating on iTunes and a 2.8 Google Play rating. 

For background checks, we recommend TruthFinder, which has an A+ rating with the Better Business Bureau and has searcheFor background checks, we recommend FreePeopleSearch or TruthFinder, which has an A+ rating with the Better Business Bureau and has searched hundreds of millions of criminal records.
 d hundreds of millions of criminal records.

Instant Checkmate reviews: Is it worth paying for?

Is Babysits free to use?

It’s free to create a profile and search for babysitters on Babysits, but you’ll need to sign up for a premium membership, which costs $19.99 per month, to book and pay for childcare.

Babysitter website: BambinoSitters.com

Is Bambino Sitters a legit site?

Yes. Bambino is a website and app that uses your Facebook account to suggest sitters your friends have used and recommend. Your friends must also be signed up for the Bambino app for you to see their recommended sitters. Once you download the app, you can connect your Facebook profile with your Bambino account and start looking through babysitters. 

If you don’t have a Facebook account or you’d prefer not to use it, you can still use the app and see sitters in your neighborhood by logging in with your cell phone number. 

You can search for sitters based on who you know or by location and check out detailed bios and babysitter reviews. You can also connect with other parents you know and ask for referrals. 

You can pick a few caregivers you’re interested in, and Bambino will text them to check their availability. If a sitter is available, you can book them directly through the app. You’ll be able to see the sitter’s hourly rate, and you can pay them through the app once the job is complete. 

Bambino has four levels of sitters, starting with Junior Sitters who are 13-15 years old and new to babysitting, all the way up to Elite Sitters, who are 18 years or older, background-checked, and have a lot of babysitting experience. 

The Bambino app is available for Apple and Android. It has a 4.9 rating on iTunes and 3.9 rating on Google Play. 

Does Bambino cost money?

It’s free to set up a Bambino account, download the Bambino app, and find local babysitters. There is a small booking fee when you hire someone through the app: $1.95 for Junior Sitters and $2.95 for Standard, Advanced, and Elite Sitters.  

Finding people online: 9 sites to use and 4 experts’ tips

Babysitter website: Care.com

Is Care.com a legitimate company?

Founded in 2006, Care.com is one of the most well-known online caregiver platforms. You can use this babysitting website or its corresponding app to book babysitters, nannies, pet sitters, and elder care, and to look for daycares and preschools in your area. 

You can search for caregivers for free by zip code and filter by hourly rate, years of experience, education level, and relevant keywords. You can also post a job to find a babysitter for free. 

You’ll need a premium Care.com membership to send direct messages to potential babysitters, run additional background checks on top of the free one Care.com performs on all caregivers, see recommendations from previous families, and securely pay caregivers. 

Care.com screens all caregivers with CareCheck background check software before they can join the platform and accept jobs. They also run CareCheck on all caregivers annually. 

CareCheck searches:  

• Social security number 
• National sex offender registry
• Multi-jurisdictional criminal database
• Federal and county criminal records search

Care.com recommends you also run your own background check and check references before hiring a babysitter or other type of caregiver. 

Care.com has a B rating from the Better Business Bureau (BBB) and a 1.03 out of 5-star customer rating. Most customer complaints are around poor customer support and difficulty canceling premium membership. Care.com also has a 1 out of 5-star rating on TrustPilot, with similar customer complaints. 

Available for Apple and Android, the Care.com app has a 4.6 rating on iTunes and 3.4 rating on Google Play. 

Is Care.com free to use?

Basic memberships are free and include the ability to set up your account, post a job, and search and view the profiles of local caregivers. 

Premium membership allows you to contact babysitters, reply to applications, and book childcare. You have three membership options: month-to-month for $38.95 per month, quarterly for $24.95 per month, or annual for $12.95 per month. 

Babysitter website: SeekingSitters.com

Is Seeking Sitters legitimate?

SeekingSitters is a national on-demand babysitter referral service that was launched in 2004. This babysitting website has local owners in different parts of the U.S. who will match you with a babysitter in your area. 

To join the website and book a sitter, you will need to fill out a membership form. SeekingSitters will review your application, and once approved, you can put in a request for a sitter. If you like the babysitter they match you with, you can request them again. 

SeekingSitters puts all potential caregivers through an in-depth background check performed by their in-house team of licensed investigators. This background check is included in the one-time fee you pay to join. 

The background check includes personal identification verification, social security number fraud alerts, national sex offender network checks, and civil and criminal record searches. 

In addition to background-checking all babysitters on the platform, SeekingSitters interviews each sitter in person, reviews their work history, and checks up to three references so you don’t have to do this yourself. 

All sitters are 18 years or older, have plenty of experience working with children, and have current CPR and first aid certifications. 

You can pay sitters through SeekingSitters’ online payment processing vendor, OBT Online. One-time, part-time, and full-time sitters are available. 

Is Seeking Sitters free to use?

Seeking Sitters has a one-time sign-up fee of $59.99. This fee is non-refundable. 

Babysitter website: Sittercity.com

Is Sittercity legitimate?

Sittercity is a legitimate babysitting website and app that’s been around since 2001. You can use the online platform to post a job, search for sitters near you, and filter based on location, schedule, and experience. 

With a premium membership, you can send potential sitters a message using Sittercity’s secure messaging system, buy a background check, and set up an interview before booking. You can also read reviews and check references from other families.

Sittercity doesn’t handle payments through their website, so it’s best to agree on terms before hiring a sitter. Popular payment options include cash, Venmo, Paypal, and Zelle.  

All Sittercity caregivers are screened through the Family Watchdog database (a free service to help locate registered sex offenders in your area). Sitters’ identities are also verified by Experian so you know you’re talking with a real person. 

Sittercity doesn’t conduct background checks on caregivers, so they recommend you purchase your own before hiring someone from their platform. You can request a background check directly from a sitter’s profile. Choose from a basic background check ($20), motor vehicle background check ($30), or enhanced background check ($60). 

Sittercity has an A+ rating from the BBB but only a 1.14/5-star customer rating. Most complaints are about difficulty canceling premium membership, poor customer service, and lack of qualified babysitters, particularly outside of big cities. 

The Sittercity app is available on Apple and Android. It has a 4.7 rating on iTunes and 2.5 rating on Google Play. 

How does Sittercity make money?

It’s free to set up an account with Sittercity, but to access advanced features, you’ll need to sign up for a premium membership. You have three membership options: month-to-month for $39 per month, quarterly for $25 per month, or annual for $12 per month.

Babysitter website: UrbanSitter.com

Is UrbanSitter legit?

Founded in 2011, UrbanSitter is a babysitting website and app that allows you to book occasional babysitters, full-time or part-time nannies, pet sitters, senior caregivers, and housekeepers. 

You can post jobs and search for local babysitters for free. You can also view sitters’ detailed profiles to see their hourly rate, experience, and skills. You’ll need to sign up for a premium membership to message a babysitter and book and pay for childcare. 

You can pay sitters online with a credit card through UrbanSitter’s website. You can also pay in cash, by check, or by payment platform app. 

All caregivers on UrbanSitter are required to be 18 years or older and have an active membership, completed profile, and cleared background check. UrbanSitter processes background checks via Chekr, a third-party safety platform. 

A Chekr screening includes county and national criminal searches, sex offender search, and global watchlist search. Babysitters must maintain a cleared status each year to remain on the platform. You can also pay for an upgraded background check for a sitter through UrbanSitter. 

UrbanSitter has a 2.5/5-star customer rating on TrustPilot. Complaints note poor customer service and limited pool of sitters to choose from. 

The Urbansitter app is available for Apple and Android. It has a 4.8 rating on iTunes and a 3.5 rating on Google Play. 

Is UrbanSitter free for parents?

It’s free to set up an account on UrbanSitter and browse local caregivers. To contact and book babysitters, you’ll need to sign up for a premium membership. You have three membership options: one-month access pass for $34.95, three-month access pass for $59.95, or quarterly plan for $64.95. 

How do I find a babysitter in my area?

Beyond searching babysitting websites, you can tap into your personal network to find a babysitter in your area. Getting a referral from someone you know is one of the best ways to find a reliable babysitter, whether you’re dating, interviewing for a new job, practicing some self care, or seeing a movie with friends. 

Facebook post

Post on Facebook to ask for referrals from your friends, relatives, and coworkers. Chances are, at least one of your Facebook friends has used a babysitter — and if they haven’t, they might still be able to put you in touch with someone else in their network who has. 

Facebook groups

Join Facebook groups for parents in your area to find a babysitter. Once you join, look through the posts in the groups to see who other parents have recommended, or make your own post asking for recommendations. You might find someone you never would’ve been able to otherwise. 

Other moms

One of the easiest ways to get a referral is to simply ask other moms you trust. Reach out to moms at your child’s school or any other moms whose opinions you value to find a responsible babysitter. 

YMCA and YWCA

You can also get referrals from local businesses and organizations. Call or stop by the YMCA or YWCA in your area. They may have a bulletin board with contact information for local babysitters. Other businesses you can try include daycare centers and libraries. 

Tips for finding and hiring a babysitter

Here’s how to find and hire a babysitter that’s reliable and trustworthy:

• Ask for referrals. Reach out to friends, relatives, co-workers, other moms, or local organizations for babysitter recommendations. The wider the net you cast, the more likely you’ll be able to find a good match.
• Join a babysitting website. Another way to find a babysitter is to sign up for a babysitting website. These sites often come with a membership fee, but they usually handle vetting and background checks and allow you to schedule babysitters and pay them directly through their platforms.
• Schedule an interview. Regardless of where you find your next babysitter, you’ll want to interview them before hiring. You can do this over the phone or Zoom or in person. Ask them about their childcare experience, what kind of certifications they have, what their rates are, and what their caregiving style is like to see if they’re a good fit.
• Conduct a background check. You can use an online public records search service, for a fee, for a comprehensive background check that includes criminal records, traffic citations, and sex offender status. 
• Call references. Even if your sitter clears a background check, you should still call a few references. Ask references whether the babysitter is reliable and professional, how well they follow instructions, and how they’ve handled problems or emergencies. 
• Make an offer. Once you’ve found a babysitter you like, it’s time to make them an offer and agree on payment terms. You may want to do a trial period of one or two weeks to make sure they’re a good fit. 
• Write a contract. It’s always a good idea to get things in writing. Spell out the terms of the arrangement, including job duties and expectations, payment, and hours. 
• Leave instructions. Jot down pertinent information, like what time your child eats and how much TV they can watch, and list out emergency contacts. Go over everything with the babysitter before you leave them with your child for the first time. 

FAQs about hiring a babysitter

Here are answers to common questions about how to find a babysitter. 

How much does a babysitter cost?

How much a babysitter costs depends on a variety of factors, including where you live and how many children you have. According to ZipRecruiter, the majority of babysitting jobs cost approximately $10 to $20 per hour for a single child. 

Expect to spend on the higher end of that spectrum if you live in a more expensive area (ZipRecruiter offers a breakdown of average babysitter salaries by state). And if you have more than one child, you’ll need to add $1 to $2 per child to the hourly rate. 

How do I do a background check on a babysitter?

The first step to running a background check on a babysitter is to get their permission and ask them for their full legal name, social security number, and a form of identification such as a driver’s license or passport. You’ll need this information to verify their identity and check records. 

These services pull data from multiple places and compile them into a report for you so you don’t have to search different records individually. Reports may include previous arrests, criminal convictions, traffic citations, sex offender status, and more. 

You’ll have to pay to view a report. Prices vary; some of these services require you to sign up for a monthly membership, which can range from $20 to $30 per month for unlimited reports.

Whether you can stand the idea of relinquishing control of your children to an ex you dislike, loathe or hate, you likely do not have a choice.

Shared parenting legislation was introduced in more than half of states last year, and as science, media and general common sense infiltrates family court and culture, there has been an incredibly positive movement towards it.

Even if the kids are with you a majority of the time, there is a lot you can do to promote a family culture of equality and harmony.

Emma’s quick take on these 31 co-parenting tips:

Working with a therapist (opposed to an expensive lawyer), can help. Online therapists specializing in mediation, divorce, coparenting or couples are a great option for coparents, as the process is very affordable, anonymous, convenient (you connect via video, phone or text), and you don’t have to be in the same room as your ex!

Continue reading our full list of 31 co-parenting tips to make shared custody successful. Here are the big themes to keep in mind when navigating co-parenting:

• Both parents have equal rights and equal responsibilities for parenting 
• Communication is key. If you can’t communicate well, just keep it to the bare minimum
• Get over old ideas that divorce, breakups and co-parenting have to be contentious
• You don’t have to be friends with your co-parent to be a successful co-parent. It is OK if you don’t like each other 
• Keep the kids out of the middle (you know that)

Out now from Sourcebooks:

The 50/50 Solution: The Surprisingly Simple Choice that Makes Moms, Dads, and Kids Happier and Healthier after a Split

by Emma Johnson

Featured in Newsweek, MSN, Slate.

Co-parenting tips: The basics

1. Establish co-parenting rules
2. Trust, not control your ex
3. Shared parenting is about gender equality
4. Even after divorce: coparent as a team
5. Recognize your own role in conflict
6. Protect the kids after divorce or separation
7. Choose carefully words you use for your kids’ homes, and their dad
8. Tell your kids happy stories about their dad
9. Keep coparenting communication open and frequent
10. Have family meetings with your ex
11. Set up a co parenting calendar — download an app
12. Consider co-parenting counseling
13. Consider co-parenting classes
14. Get your ex involved, if he isn’t
15. Invite your ex to birthday parties
16. Cooperate with your ex on holidays
17. Stay involved with your ex-in-laws
18. Support your ex’s new girlfriend or wife
19. Let him fail.
20. Celebrate the kids with him
21. Respect your co-parent
22. Support your kids’ dad’s parenting
23. Say yes more than you say no (if you can)
24. Please and thank you
25.  Don’t keep score of stuff
26. Let the kids see you speaking well of one another — to one another
27. Careful with your new boyfriend on social media
28. Move on after divorce
29. Always always be the bigger person.
30. Accept that you don’t have to force the relationship.
31. Be patient.

Co-parenting tips: The basics

1. Establish co-parenting rules

• Respect that each co-parent is equal.
• Both parents are equally responsible for the children, including 50-50 parenting schedules.
• Appreciate that both parents bring unique qualities, friends and family members to the child’s life and development.
• The nature or reason of the parents’ breakup or divorce is irrelevant to the co-parenting relationship.
• Each parent’s extended families are equally important.
• Both partners can manage their romantic lives as they prefer, without input from the coparent.

2. Trust, not control your ex

The big, overarching theme in successful, harmonious co-parenting is that both partners respect the other to be a safe, decent parent when the other is not around.

If you truly believe that your kids’ other parent is unsafe, then you need to take legal action to minimize contact. Otherwise, you are the controlling ex that your co-parent must navigate. Don’t be the controlling ex!

Which brings me to the big point about shared parenting: If a parent is deemed safe to be with the kids 10 percent of the time, they are then safe to be with them 30 or 50 or 80 or even 100 percent of the time.

That means that you do not try to control what happens at the other parent’s house.

Maybe he is the fun weekend dad, all the time, and you prefer children have structure, chores and downtime.

He is a strict vegan and never allows sugar, carbs or produce grown outside of the county. You think kids need animal protein and the occasional cookie.

You have to let that go.

Do not call all the time to check in on the kids, or chat with them. Do not ask to take the kids more in the name of doing something special with them. Honor that his scheduled time belongs to the kids.

The beauty of successful shared parenting is that once you trust each other and learn to communicate, you are more likely to peacefully negotiate differences for the sake of everyone’s best interests and stop being that toxic parent.

Says Elizabeth:

“My ex and I started to co-parent amazingly once I let go of trying to control the situation, let him parent the way he wants to parent, be understanding when he was late, and ignore the clothes never being returned. Once you take the pressure off, the tension eases and you can start to bond and connect better.”

3. Shared parenting is about gender equality

Accept that men and women are equal — including that mothers and fathers are equal parents.

Our culture does not support that idea. Women are told since birth that we are the superior parents, and that our greatest calling is to be a mother.

Men are told that their contribution to family life is as the breadwinner.

Family courts support this sexist culture, by overwhelmingly ruling that mothers have primary custody, and men pay child support.

This model perpetuates gender stereotypes.

By equally sharing parenting responsibilities, and the cost of raising children, you are not only doing what is best for your children, you also model healthy coparenting for others who are watching you, changing our culture, our world, and informing family courts for other families.

Healthy co-parenting is activism. Thank you for your work!

Learn more in 11 surprising facts about equal shared parenting

4. Even after divorce: coparent as a team

Focus on parenting as a team.

Ask his advice about behavior issues.

Do not allow the kids to pit one of you against the other, and never vie for the position as favorite parent.

As one member of my Millionaire Single Moms Facebook group said:

“In parenting, there is no good-cop / bad-cop. Sometimes we are both the bad cop.” 

I’ll add: And you both get to be the good cop!

This co-parenting rule includes: Do not ask children to weigh in on adult decisions. This includes time-sharing, resolving any disputes over holiday schedules, or other issues that are for parents. Over-empowering children to make adult decisions in divorced families is the hallmark of parental alienation, which is the most common reason a parent is no not involved with their child.

5. Recognize your own role in conflict

How do you respond when your ex irritates you? Are you always prompt in responding to your kids’ other parent? Do you bring up old fights? Try to resolve past hurts? Punish him?

Do you grill your kids about their visit when they return from their other parent’s home? Fish around for information about a new boyfriend or girlfriend? Internally, do you compare your new, post-divorce life to your ex’s? Measure who is “doing better?”

Do you — even once in a while, passive-aggressively — make negative comments about your kids’ mom/dad? Their other grandparents?

The good news is that you are not alone, and you are a normal human.

No co-parent is perfect, and if someone tells you that they are not guilty of at least a few transgressions, they are liars / in total denial.

The other good news is that you can heal the past wounds that have led you here. In fact, take these co-parenting mistakes as an opportunity to recognize where you may have room to grow.

You may be surprised to find that when you focus on your own part of any co-parenting conflict, the whole relationship changes. This may include changing your own behavior, as well as setting stronger co-parenting boundaries and not accepting the other person’s poor behavior.

You are powerful!

Positive Parenting Program review — is this online class worth it?

Co-parenting tips: Focus on the kids

6. Protect the kids after divorce or separation

If things are tense between you, keep the focus of any must-have interaction on the kids. 

If you are going through divorce now, consider low-conflict options like mediation, collaborative divorce, or file for divorce yourself online. There are a number of quality, online divorce services that will help you file for divorce online.

7. Choose carefully words you use for your kids’ homes, and their dad

The kids have two homes — use pronouns accordingly.

When communicating with him, use ‘your house’ and ‘my house’ … not ‘Home,’ as in ‘When will you bring the kids home?’

It doesn’t matter how much time each parent has with the kids, keep these pronouns neutral.

That goes for the language you use with your kids, too. “Daddy’s house” and “mommy’s house” — not “your dad’s house” and “home.”

Similarly, watch your mouth re: what you call your kids’ dad — even when speaking with other people.

From Maggie: “Change your own thinking by reframing what your relationship is with him in your head. ‘My child’s other parent,’ instead of ‘my ex.’”

8. Tell your kids happy stories about their dad

Share positive stories about the other parent with the kids.

Tell them about how you met, or trips you took, or positive qualities about their dad.

This communicates to your children something positive about a person they love, and reconditions you to think differently, and better about your ex.

This shift will infiltrate your energy, vibration, and interaction with him.

When she was 4, my daughter was obsessed with family stories. “Mommy, tell me a story about when I was a baby,” she’ll ask, and I’d tell her about how once, as a sleeping infant, her laugh broke the pin-drop silence of one of New York Public Library’s reading rooms, eliciting a symphony of chuckles. “Tell me a story about when you were a little girl,” she’d say. And I tell her about being 5 and cutting the acres of lawn on my grandparents’ farm with a riding mower.

I could see her putting together the pieces of my history, the family history, and how the elements come together to help her understand herself.

Then she took it up a notch: “Mommy, tell me a story about you and daddy before you were married.”

I took a deep breath. I spend a lot of energy on not being bitter about things. I pay attention to where I put my energy — I don’t want to be one of those women still grumbling about some argument with their ex, 30 years after the fact. Sometimes I worry I swing too far in the opposite direction and tuck away memories altogether, afraid that should I pull one — even a funny or sweet or tender one — all the bad ones will come bursting out in a flood of emotion.

But there are so, so many good memories. And I want my children to know those stories because they are also their stories. But more than that, I want them to have a sense of the love that brought their dad and me together, because that is also their love.

And so I told Helena about a road trip her dad and I took when we were dating. We drove from Phoenix to San Diego and on the way home decided it would be fun to play Name That Tune. The key was each of was to whistle a song, and the other would guess. The catch was that I can’t whistle. I’ve heard there is a genetic defect that makes this so, and I don’t know, but no whistling Dixie for me.

But that didn’t stop us, and so for most of the six-hour drive, we took turns whistling Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” or David Gray’s “The Other Side” or Ray Charles’s “I’ve Gotta Woman” and when it was my turn Emmanuel would listen very, verrrry carefully and try to guess as I earnestly huffed out a hollow whisper of a melody until we couldn’t take it anymore and would burst out laughing. And then we would start again.

Helena totally understood the hilarity of the story, and teased me about not being able to whistle (incidentally, she learned when she was 2). Then she sat back on the sofa with a satisfied look on her face, and I knew that she really got it — the whole big story is really about her, and that that story is indeed full of love.

Blending families? How to make a blended family work

Co-parenting tips: Communication

9. Keep coparenting communication open and frequent

Some basic rules:

• Stick to the facts.
• Respond promptly. You can respond to a text within 12 hours. If you need to think about something, do research or otherwise need to figure something out, let your kids’ other parent know that you are working on their request and when they can expect an answer.

Routinely involve him in decisions about the kids’ child care, school, health, activities — even if he doesn’t attend events and appointments, or pretend to care. Just share anyway.

Respond to his or her text right away. If you don’t have the answer to a question, still respond to confirm you received the request, and tell them when they can expect an answer.

Also: Include in any coparenting agreement a time limit for responding to schedule change requests and other communication, be it 24 or 72 hours. Include in the agreement that if there is no response, the requesting party will assume an affirmative response.

For example, if Jessica asks Omar if he will swap weekends, he will have 48 hours (or whatever their agreement states) to respond. If Omar does not respond, Jessica can safely assume that she is free to change the visitation schedule on the coparenting app or shared Google calendar.

10. Have family meetings with your ex

From Erin: “We still occasionally have family meetings. It benefits the kids to see that we are on the same page and then everyone gets everything out at once.”

A quality couples or family therapist can help facilitate the conversation, defuse conflict, and help establish co-parenting boundaries. Read our BetterHelp review to learn more about our No. 1 online therapy app.

11. Set up a co parenting calendar — download an app

You can do this with Google calendar, or as part of a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard, whose parent company Avirat Inc has an A+ rating from the Better Business Bureau. This can be a life-changing exercise to keep track of visitation schedules, kids’ activities, the millions of half-days off school, and to negotiate schedule changes. Check out my review of Our Family Wizard here.

For co-parenting schedules, expense sharing, and more co-parenting apps can be a handy, low-cost (or free!) way to make co-parenting easy, plus create a document to help resolve any conflict quickly.

Coparenting apps help all parties involved streamline the logistical issues that can create confusion and conflict:

• Create and share a single calendar
• Document cost-sharing
• Keep and share contact and other info (grandparents, pediatrician, and babysitter contacts, medical info) in one convenient place
• Creating systems for changing visits, coordinating extracurriculars, school days off and all the other complications (and joys!) of raising children
• Share all this info with other caregivers like relatives, neighbors, coaches, nannies and babysitters, and the kids themselves!

12. Consider co-parenting counseling

If you and your ex are having trouble getting along, consider co-parent counseling. This is just what it sounds like: getting a trained therapist to help the two of you become the best parents you can be — even if you’re not in a romantic relationship.

This is great for your kids, obviously. But it’s also good for the two of you. Life is too short to hang on to anger, or to grief. Counseling can help you move on.

Similar to family meetings, many parents who live separately find it helpful to meet with an objective, professional third-party to work though co-parenting challenges, as well as everyday parenting woes. Does your kid struggle with anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, social or academic challenges? Is your ex passive-aggressive, toxic, abusive or otherwise uncooperative?

Online therapy is a great option for coparents. These platforms are anonymous, much lower-cost than in-person counseling, and because you connect via phone, video, text or email, you don’t have to be in the same room as your ex!

13. Consider co-parenting classes

Your family courts system likely offers co-parenting classes for free or an affordable rate. Even if you are not required by your parenting plan or a judge to take a co-parenting course, an online class for parents dealing with divorce or high-conflict have reported enormous benefits to their relationship with each other, and better outcomes for their kids.

Positive Parenting Solutions offers very affordable online co-parenting classes, as well as those for families with kids and divorce, as well as high-conflict relationships.

Where to find parenting classes “near me”

7 benefits of parenting classes and where to find them

Co-parenting tips: Dealing with your ex

14. Get your ex involved, if he isn’t

If your ex isn’t currently involved in your child’s life and you’d like him to be, realize there’s a chance you may not be able to change his mind. But a good first step is to talk with him about why his involvement in your child’s life is important. 

Anandhi Narasimhan, a Los Angeles child and adult psychiatrist, suggests finding ways to facilitate interactions, like letting your ex know about upcoming recitals, games, or other activities. Meeting halfway if your ex lives far away can also encourage him to be more involved. 

“Ultimately though, there may also have to be some acceptance if the other parent does not engage repeatedly and does not express any interest in doing so,” she says. “Providing the child with other sources of support can be helpful to minimize hurt caused by an absentee parent.”

Check out our post for advice about how to successfully co-parent with an ex.

15. Invite your ex to birthday parties

Invite him to birthday or graduation parties you throw for the kids.

You can also ask him to participate in the planning, to bring the cake or otherwise be involved.

16. Cooperate with your ex on holidays

Buy him a holiday and birthday gift on behalf of the kids. Be generous with the holiday coparenting schedule.

17. Stay involved with your ex-in-laws

Stay connected to his family and friends.

Send them holiday cards and invite them to school, sports and birthday events.

Better yet, in the case of a dispute, just let him take the kids for the holiday.

18. Support your ex’s new girlfriend or wife

Be positive about any romantic partners in his life — both to the kids and to him.

It doesn’t matter if you like your kids’ new stepmom or whether she was the affair partner.

19. Let him fail.

There is a fine line between being supportive and co-dependent.

Ultimately, he is responsible for being the best father he can.

I have heard moms say they schedule fun activities for their kids’ dad to do with “because I love my kids and want them to have fun weekends.”

That is actually controlling and co-dependent and doesn’t work in a coparenting relationship.

20. Celebrate the kids with him

Share the kids’ successes with him: Screenshot good grades on homework or cute craft projects, and send him pics or videos from sports events he misses – and not in a passive-aggressive way to punish him for not being there.

Co-parenting tips: Advice for you

21. Respect your co-parent

When he makes a suggestion or request about parenting, listen and follow it unless you actually really object.

22. Support your kids’ dad’s parenting

Think about what you can do to help the other parent win at parenting.

These might include daily reminders, scheduling and planning emails, or follow-up phone calls.

Do it from a place of love and unity, and without being condescending!

However, this can be a fine line. If your other parent over-depends on you, establish those boundaries, inform your co-parent of what you are willing to do, and not do, and then stick to your word.

23. Say yes more than you say no (if you can)

Say ‘yes’ as very often as you possibly can when he asks for flexibility in the schedule. 

24. Please and thank you

Thank him when he is flexible with you, no matter how much more of the work you know you do.

25. Don’t keep score of stuff

Let go of the, ‘I bought those clothes so they stay at my house.’

If you’re running short on certain items, just ask that enough be returned when you are running low, and pay back that favor.

26. Let the kids see you speaking well of one another — to one another

Give him a compliment. Do it in front of the kids.

It is so important for your kids to hear nice things about YOU — if your ex is not the person, find someone who is:

In the past few weeks I had really sweet experiences with friends’ paying lovely compliments to me via my kids.

Like last night when my neighbors came for dinner with their new baby, and over stew and winter salad Helena complained how her mom (that would be me) yelled at her in the mornings. “Well,” my friend said. “When I see how bright and funny and well-behaved you and your brother are, I think what a great mom you and Lucas have.” Which shut my kid up real quick-like.

Or a few weeks ago, my oldest friend Amanda visited from St. Louis. While she, the kids and I ate banana apple muffins in the living room on Saturday morning, Amanda told my daughter what a great mom she has, how she has an interesting career and takes them on cool trips and  some other stuff I forget because I was just so touched and grateful for her friendship, but also that there was someone other than me pointing out my finer points to my kids. Marketing experts know that promotion is far more powerful when coming from a credible third party — in this case, someone who is not naggingly demanding respect and gratitude all the live-long day (that would be me).

Which brings up a big question for single moms: For all you do for your kids, who do you have in your life to point out those things to your kid? In a perfect world, each of us might have a spouse or partner who genuinely adores you, and organically displays that adoration through myriad words and gestures. In the absence of such a partner, who puts into perspective for your kids what a great cook, or hard worker, or loving parent you are?

Often, I feel like my kid’s don’t appreciate me as much as I think they should (what can I say, I have an ego — it needs stroking from those I love most!). But then I realize that they are listening all the time. I hear Helena telling her friends: “My mom is a VERY GOOD writer! And she has a radio show and is on TV!” I realize that she listens when my friends come over and we talk business, and she pays attention when I tell her about my day.

And Lucas goes beyond in his over-exaggerated way to be positive, will say: “Mommy, those muffins are looking GOOD!” or “Thank you for making movie night.” Maybe it his naturally sunny disposition, or my nightly drilling of gratitude practices or constant “What do you say …?” (Acceptable answers: a) Please, b) Thank-you). Or maybe I have nagged my kid into a gratitude stupor that extends to his mother.

27. Careful with your new boyfriend on social media

Refrain from posting social media pics of your new boyfriend with the kids, with the exception of when everyone is really getting along awesome and it truly is NBD.

Otherwise, that is not only counter-productive for co-parenting, but it is mean and targets his manhood on the most primal level. 

More thoughts on when to introduce your new boyfriend to the kids.

28. Move on after divorce

Co-parenting advice from single mom Laura: “Change your own mindset about the past/divorce/your heartache.”

LET IT GO.

You are coparents now, and it doesn’t matter how you got here, or whose fault it is. He’s your coparent and children’s dad first, opposed to focusing on the fact he is your ex.

His girlfriend or new wife is just that, not his mistress/affair partner. Learn to respect their relationship, even if you don’t like it, or it still hurts.

Staying in a positive mindset about the now is critical for healthy coparenting.

How to heal after divorce

29. Always always be the bigger person.

When you feel the rage coming on, STOP.

It’s not about you.

Save your energy for the battles that really matter in the long-term.

That said, learn some tactics for dealing with a narcissistic ex, including parallel parenting.

30. Accept that you don’t have to force the relationship.

You may not want to spend the holidays together or sit on the same bleachers at the kids’ volleyball match.

That is OK.

31. Be patient.

Take it from me: people change and grow and forgive and mellow. 

Over time, handoffs at the police station can cease and be replaced by shared holiday meals.

Explosive texting can stop and words of support and encouragement can reign. Life is long.

When should single moms or dads introduce a new partner to the kids?

Short answer: Whenever you want.

Growing up, my mom, who was divorced, dated a lot for a few years.

I loved it.

I loved watching her get dressed up to go out to dinner or dancing. I’d sit on her bed as she’d stand at the dresser and set her blond, permmed hair on rollers, apply makeup and a spritz of Norell, her signature fragrance. She was happy, looked like she felt pretty. Then the cool teenage babysitter arrived, and my brothers and I did everything we could do to contain our rambunctiousness before my mom left.

6 places to find a babysitter

This was back in the 1980s, and the guys she dated grew up in the ‘50s and ‘60s, and they would come to the house and pick her up. They often brought flowers — even on (especially?) first dates. My mom used these interactions as opportunities to teach her kids manners, and we learned about shaking hands, introducing one’s self and looking the other person in the eye when you spoke.

A few of these guys turned into relationships that lasted a few months, and in those cases, if they had kids, we’d all have outings. I remember a few times everyone sleeping over at our house.

The guys were nice, the kids were nice, my mom was happy around these men and it was all very normal.

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• How long should you wait before you introduce your boyfriend to your child?
• Hiding your boyfriend from your kids
• My new boyfriend had a sleepover with my kids home for the first time
• Why you may want to wait or not introduce your boyfriend to your kids
  1. You recently broke up with someone else.
  2. You’re afraid your new guy will be really awesome with the kids.
  3. You’re afraid he might not be so great with your kids.
  4. You want to prolong the courtship.
  5. You’re afraid your family life will make him run.
  6. You don’t want to signal to him it’s serious (yet). 
  7. You want him all to yourself.

How long should you wait before you introduce your boyfriend to your child?

Today, when I hear single parents talk about dating, the most common scenario is waiting until the magical six-month mark to introduce an amour to the kids. Divorced couples even mutually agree that the kids will not lay eyes on a romantic partner until half a year has passed. Some custody agreements even go as far as engagement.

This is nonsense. There is no reason that you can’t introduce your kids to someone you are dating any time at all. People pass through your children’s lives all the time:

• Beloved teachers are left behind every year
• Grandparents and other loved ones will die, guaranteed
• Trusted neighbors and best friends move away
• Etc.

Just because your kids meet someone you are dating doesn’t mean they will become attached to them — especially if they are introduced as someone you are dating. NOT your new husband / their new stepdad / a huge deal.

But first you must become comfortable with dating yourself. After all, if you are determined to find a new husband / stepdad for your children, they will assume that intensity and will try to bond and be heartbroken if / when it ends.

If you have a healthy attitude about dating, then it is healthy for your kids to know about that, too.

Hiding your boyfriend from your kids

I recently heard a really great story from a newly single mom that illustrates the importance of being open about your dating life with your children, and modeling healthy life-long romance, starting young.

Facing divorce, this mom of two’s own childhood loomed large as her point of reference. After all, her parents split when she was in preschool, and she was raised almost exclusively by her mother, who was a great role model in that she rose from a store clerk to a corporate executive during my friend’s childhood. It’s no surprise my friend has also become incredibly successful herself.

But, she never saw her mom date. At all.

Facing her own single status, she was terrified — assumed, even — that she also faced perpetual loneliness. Why wouldn’t she? That was her model: You divorce. You’re alone forever.

However, this new phase of life has opened a new chapter in my friend’s relationship with her mother, as these things tend to do. And it turns out that her understanding of her mom’s personal life was inaccurate.

“Oh I always had an active sex life,” the mom confessed recently. “I just kept that separate from my relationship with you.”

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My friend was stunned. This not only TNT’d her impression of her mom, but upturned her expectations for her own sexual and romantic life — which suddenly became so much brighter.

I love this story because it serves as such great evidence for why we should all be open about our dating lives with our children. I’ve said it once but it needs to be said a zillion times more:

There is nothing shameful about a mother dating. You are an adult woman who has romantic, emotional and sexual needs. Embracing this fact is great for you, and great for your kids.

Those needs do not conflict with your kids’ needs of you, or your relationship with your family. In fact, happily dating is the healthiest thing you can model for your children, both now — and in shaping their points of reference in adulthood. Being sexually fulfilled gives you the energy to parent to your greatest potential. Plus, a healthy romantic life — whatever that means for you — frees your children from their own natural sense that they must fill that void, now and in the future — which is prone to happen in single-parent families.

A sexually satisfied mom is a happier mom.

Now, you know all about age-appropriate information, so I won’t even go there. Because, again, you are an adult woman and you know better.

So, tell your kids you are going on a date. Let them meet the man you are seeing — even if you are not sure where the relationship is headed. The more you embrace your sexuality, the healthier it is, and the easier it will be to share with your kids in a way that doesn’t make anyone squirm.

Just ask my friend.

Which dating sites are best for single moms?

My new boyfriend had a sleepover with my kids home for the first time

Here is what happened when my boyfriend of three months stayed over:

My kids met him a couple times. He was sweet with them, and he tried to play it cool, though I can tell he was a little nervous about making a good impression on them (and on me, with them), which made him all the more irresistible.

In the spirit of being normal about mixing kids with dudes, I also tried to keep it cool. We’d planned for him to have dinner at my place with the kids last Thursday. Earlier in the week I texted: “Do you want to stay over?”

Sure, he said. I didn’t want to make it into a huge deal with the kids, but I also believe it is really disrespectful to sneak men into your bed, or simply wake up with a man laying next to you without any explanation. Kids aren’t morons.

So, I first mentioned to Lucas, then age 4: “He’s going to sleep over at our house Thursday.”

When his sister, 6, came home, Luke eagerly rushed up to her: “Helena! Helena! Guess WHAT! Mommy’s boyfriend is going to SLEEP at our HOUSE!”

Helena: “Where is he going to sleep?

Me: “My bed.”

Helena: “Where are you going to sleep?”

Me: “In my bed with him.”

Helena: “I think you wiggle too much at night. Maybe he should sleep on the couch.”

Lucas: “I know! I know! He can sleep in MY BED!”

Me: “Where are you going to sleep?”

Lucas: “With you.”

Me: “I’m going to sleep with him in my bed because he’s my boyfriend and I want to snuggle with him.”

Lucas: “What about OUR morning snuggles?”

Me: “We will still do that — there are plenty of mommy snuggles to go around.”

Helena: “I promise not to fart on his lap like I did with your last boyfriend. I think that’s why you broke up.”

Maybe that last bit about the boyfriend snuggles was TMI, but it is true and go to the heart of the kids’ confusion — this visitor is different than the many houseguests who frequent our couch. And it turned out to be completely accurate (read on).

The day of The Great Sleepover, I picked Helena at the bus stop and she giddily skipped along the sidewalk holding my hand.

“My mommy’s boyfriend is going to sleep at my house! My mommy’s boyfriend is going to sleep at my house! I told everyone at school — even my teachers! My mommy’s boyfriend is going to sleep at my house!” 

25 gift ideas for your boyfriend’s mom

The rest of the evening was pork chops and roasted cauliflower and cupcakes my boyfriend brought for the kids. He cleaned the kitchen (even the stovetop which I religiously leave for the housecleaner) while I got the kids into the bath and jammies. I read Helena one of those Madonna English Roses books and he read Lucas a Planes book. There were kisses all around, followed by yelling to get back into bed, and it couldn’t have been more normal or cozy.

And it was, at its core, a normal and cozy Thursday evening with the kids. I put on my long-sleeved pajamas, washed my face and slipped into bed next to him, my head resting in the crook of my arm and then on his chest. We turned off the light and talked about what I don’t remember. I wish I had a funny story about stifled howls of passion or a knocking headboard that awoke the kids, and while there were some steamy adult snuggles under the predawn covers, we crawled out of bed to make coffee and muffins and listen to NPR as I yelled at the kids to hurry up and get dressed already. And then the day had begun.

Why you may want to wait or not introduce your boyfriend to your kids

In response to the above essay, a mom wrote me:

As a single mom, it is a social stigma for me to date. Many feel that my life as a woman should have stopped when I had children. Someone even suggested that it’s okay for men to move on but I should solely dedicate my life to my children. 

That makes me want to bust out my nunchucks and beat the crap out of society. But you are safe here, and I’m here to tell you: Date! It’s normal — healthy! There will likely be heartbreak and missteps. You are human. But do not feel ashamed of your emotional, social or sexual needs. Embrace your womanhood in all its splendor. This is what a good mom does.

Maybe you and your boyfriend disagree on when and how to tell his kids or your kids when to introduce the other partner. Couples counseling can help—even if you’re not married.

And when you are ready, bring around your family. Yes, consider how you do this. Respect your kids’ reactions. Talk about it with them. But do not feel guilty. Let go of any shame. You are normal and this is healthy.

That said, there are plenty of good reasons to take your time introducing your kids to your new amore. Maybe you don’t ever introduce him at all.

1. You recently broke up with someone else.

Even though you may be over the rebounds and ready to move on, you’re not sure your kids are.

2. You’re afraid your new guy will be really awesome with the kids.

Which will make you totally love him even way, way more. Maybe you’re not ready for that kind of emotional intensity. It scares you. That’s cool. Take it slow.

When should a single mom tell a man she has kids?

3. You’re afraid he might not be so great with your kids.

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t date him — it means that he might not be part of your family life. Sometimes you just need a lover or someone to take you out to dinner now and again. Not all relationships are the giant, Brady Bunch, 24/7 kind. Maybe you’ll want that sort of partnership in another phase of your journey.

4. You want to prolong the courtship.

Face it: if he’s spending every Wednesday enjoying meatloaf and mashed potatoes with you and the kids,  he’s not taking you out of wild-boar-and-crimini-mushroom meatloaf and truffle-laced heirloom purple potato mash at that cute place downtown on Wednesdays. Family life is wonderful. But that shit’s not glamorous.

5. You’re afraid your family life will make him run.

Truth? It might. Especially if he doesn’t love you (yet). It’s hard to imagine that a man who did not sire your kids might actually like them and also want to fuck you. But it happens all the time. Maybe you want feel more secure in the relationship before you bring him home to the circus that is your life. Take your time!

6.  You don’t want to signal to him it’s serious (yet). 

You may accept that introducing a guy to your kids does not indicate that he’s your forever boo. But he may not see it that way — which is understandable because most people in our culture wouldn’t, either. If you’re playing it cool and not ready to jump in with your heart and soul, but worry he will think you’re eager and commitment-ready if you invite him to join your clan for Disney on Ice, wait.

7. You want him all to yourself.

This is not selfish. See #3. Not every relationship is meant for marriage or family. Having something casual or a friend with benefits that is separate from your daily life can be a fabulous arrangement. If that suits you, embrace it.