Single mom holiday manifesto

 

I wrote this a couple of years ago, and revisit each holiday season for both myself and readers. I admit that the holidays are hard for me personally — so much pressure to make them memorable, spend more than I’m inclined to, and be cheerful when I often feel lonely and overwhelmed. Last year was first time my kids will not be with me on the actual holiday (we celebrate Christmas), something I advocated for as part of my effort to create a more equal parenting relationship with my children’s dad. I am mostly OK with it, thanks to the fact I am not very sentimental, but did fret about what I would do on Christmas Eve. I made a couple calls, and was warmly invited to an old friend’s dinner party in a pretty part of Brooklyn in her beautiful brownstone apartment. She is an excellent cook, hilarious with a filthy mouth, and her friends are fabulous. I had an amazing time!

Related posts about being a single mom during Christmas and other holidays:

Open letter to myself about holiday nonsense 

Facing Christmas for the first time without a family homestead

Building a Christmas tradition alone for the first time. But not really.

Dammit, I’m going to have a fun holiday (and how a live lobster delivery 30 years ago ruined Christmases to come)

Here’s my rulebook for muscling through the tough parts and making the most of this time of year. (Each item used to start with “Thou shall not” but that was annoying, so I changed it). What would you add? What is the hardest part of the holidays for you? The best? Share in the comments!

Single mom holiday manifesto

  • I will not try to recreate holidays of years past. Those are from another time in my life, and I will celebrate this holiday, this year, in a way that makes sense for this moment.
  • I will create at least one new holiday tradition for my family that is allll ours.
  • I will not resent that I either actually am or feel like the only single parent at the school holiday events.
  • I will not spear or fantasize about spearing with a sharpened candy cane the stay-at-home Pinterest mommies in the neighborhood.
  • I will shop within my budget.
  • I will not over-spend on my kids out of guilt because their family does not look like said mommies’ Pinterest boards.
  • I will not argue with the ex this holiday. I will remind myself that my children will not remember that they did not wake up on actual Christmas morning at mommy or daddy’s house, but they will remember that mommy and daddy screamed at each other on the snowy front porch on Christmas morning.
  • I will give others the benefit of the doubt. The Fox News republican cousin, the manipulative ex, the passive-aggressive mother — if some iteration of these characters are in your life, you will remember that poor behavior stems from human suffering, and thou shall be gracious, kind and patient.
  • If I am apart from my kids on the holiday, I will not be depressed. I will grieve what I previously hoped the holidays would be, what my family would look like, and I will accept that it is different now. I will visit a friend, go to a movie, soak in the bath, call a male escort, spend time with people in a nursing home, work on my dream career, or attend two yoga classes back-to-back. Love Actually, come to Mama.
  • I will remember that the holidays are at least a little crappy for most people.
  • I will give thanks, and give back. Especially if I am feeling poor — financially, emotionally, socially or spiritually — thou shall find a way to give time, money or energy to others who need it. Because we all need it at some time or another.
  • I will prioritize experiences over things — for myself and my children.
  • I will recognize community. Whether attending a religious service, an office, neighborhood, friend or family party, giving a shout-out in a Facebook community that is valuable to me, delivering holiday cards to service people (crossing guard, barber, grocery store clerk, mail carrier) who are part of the fabric of my life, I will recognize how vast and rich my circle.
  • I will ensure my kids give me a gift. It’s not all about them.
  • I will not use the holiday or my current situation as an excuse to eat and drink like a sow.
  • I will enjoy good food and good, good drink.
  • I will remember: It really is just another day.

For single moms and divorced families, the holidays can come with some unique challenges: visitation schedules must be negotiated, you may find yourself focused on how the season falls short of your dreams and expectations. Lots of times the financial crunch of these months is especially tough.

But all is not lost.

Here are 6 things single moms can do to not just get through Christmas— but to make it awesome.

1. Buy your ex a gift.

If your kids are little you will sign it from them. Or maybe it will be directly from you. It will be heartfelt — nothing passive aggressive like, say, socks if his holey footwear was a point of marital contention. Just a sincere present, expecting nothing in return, and putting behind you any child support he owes, or apologies not granted or the share of his IRA you’re entitled to.

2. Be flexible about the visitation schedule.

Remember: years from now the kids won’t remember whether they missed your cousin’s annual sing-along. But they will remember you screaming at their dad on Christmas.

3. Start a new Christmas or other holiday tradition.

If you are a single mom, your holiday celebration likely does not exactly match what you had in mind when you were a kid dreaming of life as an adult. You’re working with Plan B. While you might find meaning in introducing your children to your own childhood family traditions, or those that their dad helped initiate — introduce a ritual that will be yours alone. At my house we I launched some new traditions: a chili-and-tree-trimming party in December, and monkey bread on Christmas morning. Give gag gifts (fake poop, squirting lapel flowers) on New Year’s Eve, or new pajamas for everyone on the night before Christmas. How about a Pictionary death match? This is your new life. You need new habits and celebrations.

4. Make the holidays simple.

Maybe you have fond memories of elaborate childhood Christmases you aim to replicate. Or maybe holidays were especially stressful growing up — and you vowed to do better by your kids. In any case, keep it real. Just because William Sonoma catalogs and your annoying cousin with her perfectly holiday-coiffed center-hall Colonial suggest that you should be cooking and decorating and shopping like a freak doesn’t mean you actually have to. So keep it within your budget. Do what is meaningful and fun, and hire a cleaning person and snow removal person and babysitter. Order in the Christmas dinner, or bring store-bought cookies to the party. Just because you’re not married doesn’t mean you have to kill yourself.

5. Make a plan for when the kids are with their dad.

You may find yourself lonely or depressed if you have nowhere to go on one of the special days, when you’d prefer to be with your children. Instead, make plans. Ask around and get invited to a party. Make a date with yourself to see a movie, hit yoga or masturbate in the tub. Go for sushi on Christmas day with your Jewish friends. Or, volunteer at a nursing home, hospital or shelter. In fact, I think I may do that on Christmas Day myself.

6. Take stock.

Cliche but useful: The end of the year is a fantastic time to look back at what you have accomplished this year. Sure, assess your bank account, and review your professional resume. But also look at your family. The kid’s grades and trophies are important. But examine the other stuff. Acknowledge the stresses you managed. The tricky situations you maneuvered without committing homicide. The new friends you made, relationships mended or strengthened. Recognize the fact that you are all thriving despite all odds. Ask yourself: Do my kids feel loved? If you can answer yes, you did good, woman. You did good.

What are you most excited about this holiday? What are you most stressed or sad about? Share your single mom holiday tips in the comments!


Are you part of my Facebook group, Millionaire Single Moms? No income requirement, though BIG GOALS and a POSITIVE MINDSET required! Join now and share about your single-mom holiday experience! 

 

 

Emma Johnson

Emma Johnson is a veteran money journalist, noted blogger, bestselling author and an host of the award-winning podcast, Like a Mother with Emma Johnson. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour, Oprah.com, U.S. News, Parenting, USA Today and others. Her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was named to the New York Post’s ‘Must Read” list.

Emma regularly comments on issues of modern families, gender equality, divorce, sex and motherhood for outlets like CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine and The Doctors. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and a “Most Eligible New Yorker” by New York Observer.

A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Read more about Emma here.

About Emma Johnson

Emma Johnson is a veteran money journalist, noted blogger, bestselling author and an host of the award-winning podcast, Like a Mother with Emma Johnson. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour, Oprah.com, U.S. News, Parenting, USA Today and others. Her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was named to the New York Post's ‘Must Read” list. Emma regularly comments on issues of modern families, gender equality, divorce, sex and motherhood for outlets like CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine and The Doctors. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and a “Most Eligible New Yorker” by New York Observer. A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Read more about Emma here.

26 Comments

  1. Jodi on December 22, 2015 at 9:58 am

    This year is difficult as a single Mom. Divorced for 5 years now, my Daughter is age 7. I am also without my dog who I had for 12 years and had to put down last December, the end of a 3 year relationship with a guy that I was dating and engaged to for the past 3 years, and most of all without my Daughter on Christmas Day because it is her (manipulative) Father’s and his wife (the other Woman) year for the holiday. So yeah it sucks! However, the way I am doing Christmas this year is by celebrating the small moments with my Daughter; baking and cooking together, honoring the Elf on the Shelf, opening the nativity windows on our Advent Calendar, as well as volunteering at church during one of the Christmas eve services, continuing my Yoga practice, spending Christmas Day with friends, hosting Christmas dinner (Paleo style) at my place the day after Christmas. It is a wonderful and magical time of year, but I too have the ups and downs of emotion. I have accepted the place where I am so I can be at peace even thought this is not the way I wanted it to be for my Daughter.

    • Emma on December 22, 2015 at 4:48 pm

      Hi Jodi – glad you can focus on the positive of the season. For 2016, maybe we can work on not being bitter overall?

  2. Gabby vaughan on December 22, 2015 at 10:09 am

    Emma you just know how to shed the light on a topic.
    Things we all think to ourselves yet may not say outloud or even properly admit to ourselves.
    Loved the comments on self talk… And the final comment that it is actually just another day. The strict rules not to compare etc are so clever… . The back to back yoga class just to pass the time struck a cord as did the kids remembering the fighting or lack of not what house they wake up at.
    You are like a comedian the way you see simple thought processes and articulate what we all experience.
    So clever. Keep writing for us all xxx and a big Ol happy Christmas to you from down under in oz xxx

    • Emma on December 22, 2015 at 4:47 pm

      Hi Gabby – thanks so much for these words, just what I needed today! xxx

  3. Bobbi-Jo Romanishan on December 22, 2015 at 10:21 am

    Thank you, Emma! Great words to live by. My sons are with their father this year on Christmas Day and through the weekend. My personal manifesto and Christmas plan is…

    Thou shalt go to Bermuda and luxuriate in the splendor of the spa and enjoy blissful solitude.

    Merry Christmas!

    • Emma on December 22, 2015 at 11:32 am

      loooooovvvveee it!!! xox safe travels!

  4. Laura on December 22, 2015 at 10:35 am

    “call a male escort”- bahahaha! But really, it’s all fantastic.

    • Emma on December 22, 2015 at 11:32 am

      ;) no judgement

  5. Dejah Hobbs on December 22, 2015 at 11:43 am

    I could have used this two weeks ago. My son went to his Dad’s for the first time and I missed him so bad! He is back now and I appreciate him so much! I will keep these wonderful thoughts with me for the rest of the holiday season. First and foremost stop eating like a sow to bury my grief! Thanks!

    • Emma on December 22, 2015 at 4:46 pm

      Hi Dejah – just remember that you are not alone!

  6. Sugar Jones on December 22, 2015 at 1:39 pm

    I was having a tough night last night. Not only is it Christmas week, this is also the week of both of our kids’ birthdays. And with my ex holding back any support, it’s especially difficult. Then this morning, I got this in my in-box. It was just what I needed to read at just the right moment. Thanks so much!

    • Emma on December 22, 2015 at 4:46 pm

      :) so glad to hear that!

  7. Henry Motyka on December 22, 2015 at 2:23 pm

    I have always said that if I give as much as possible to others all year and especially during the Holiday season, I will have the nicest Christmas. And that is even if I am down and out. And sure enough, I have done that and the nicest thing happened to me today. I call it a Christmas Miracle but really it is giving to others.

    • Emma on December 22, 2015 at 4:46 pm

      That’s awesome – care to share, Henry?

  8. Pilar on December 23, 2015 at 6:27 am

    This year I am excited about doing all of what you wrote. I even feel as if I wrote it. I thought it would be sad to have to build a life again but it really has not been. I am keeping what I liked from the past, removing what I hated and adding new things, those I always wanted and could not do and those I never even imagine I would do. Eg. I kept going as a family to get our Christmas three and decorate my home right after thanksgiving. I got that from my ex sister in law, who by the way, was not the best sister in law, but I don’t think about that. I already moved on from that shit. The point is I liked the tradition so I kept it. I kept doing my Mexican Christmas celebration but I dont fight to have the exact day with kids I just use one of my weekends with kids. They don’t care when the party is. They care having a party with friends and pinata. I removed fights, I removed the insane number of toys that Santa brings. Kids are learning that mom asked Santa to bring only one bigger present and few smaller in their stockings. That is because we are a minimalist family who believes that less is more. They have to think 3 things they want and they will only get one. We also value experiences over things so Santa brings tickets to a show or a small week end trip to an ammesument park or lIke that. We are also Santa helpers so deliver toys to kids who are alone. We adding praying and church time which we did not do before because dad was not religious. Kids love it. I added awesome things for me when kids are with dad. First, forgiveness to his family. I am happy now kids are with his family. I realized that before it was hard for me so it is awesome that kids get to go and I don’t have to :)
    I added time with friends, a fancy diner with someone to celebrate – a excuse to dress up. A date or two while I am alone and sex is that turns to be an option ha ha.

  9. Lisa on December 23, 2015 at 10:20 am

    My divorce was final in Oct. my ex has the kids 5 yo & 9 yo from Christmas Eve noon to Christmas Day noon.

    Creating new traditions dosen’t work. My kids tell their Daddy what I’m doing & then he just copies me!

    I haven’t really seen it yet but what is your advice on your mom still in your ex husbands life? There is no reason for it. They aren’t related and he isn’t even her landlord any more.

    He is a narsatist and while the advice for me is to not engage, focus on the kids etc how can I do that when my mom treats him the same as always i.e. accepting gifts from him, talking to him like nothing ever happened etc.

    • Emma on December 23, 2015 at 11:39 am

      Sounds like your mom’s loyalty lies with him. That is painful, but not much you can do about it except express to her your feelings and accept it.

  10. Rachel on December 23, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    Call a male escort. XD Yes!

    This Hannakwansmas, I am broker than MC Hammer because I’m about to close on my condo right after I got hit with the expenses of making v2.0 of my business that is launching after New Year’s. Super exciting? Hell yes. But also kinda scary. So in lieu of presents and buying drinks, I told my loved ones I’d pet my toad for them for luck while she wears a Santa hat. It was a hit! She seems to have brought me a little luck too with new gigs. Yay!

    The holidays can also just be a depressing time of year with the manufactured cheer and uggghh PINTEREST. But you can always flip the script and make your own new traditions that buck the old ones or what most people do. It felt really awesome to avoid the stores in person and online this year. Then that last point is so spot on, it’s just another day. Lots of people have to work on Christmas and growing up in a mixed-faith household I can say that, hey, it’s not a be-all end-all for everyone.

    • Emma on December 24, 2015 at 6:36 am

      Rachel, we need to hang out.

      • Rachel on December 24, 2015 at 2:15 pm

        I’m merely a boro away! :) I’d love to get your insight on various entrepreneurial stuff!

        • Emma on December 25, 2015 at 11:11 am

          where?! ejohnson76@yahoo.com – let’s do this

          • Rachel on December 25, 2015 at 11:05 pm

            The boogie down Bx! Just emailed :)
            Happy Hannakwansmas!

            • Emma on December 27, 2015 at 6:00 pm

              Didn’t get it!! Try again?



            • Rachel on December 27, 2015 at 11:30 pm

              Gmail gremlin! I tried from my other addy– try hitting me up at info AT sonictoad dot com if the message still didn’t come in. :)



  11. Nicole on December 24, 2015 at 7:28 pm

    I keep re reading this as I spend the first Christmas eve ever without my kids. Normally I have them Christmas eve but this year we switched. I’m okay with it but this post is so powerful to remind me that I’m in the best place I can be right now and not to compare my experience with others and the Christmas’ of the past.

    • Emma on December 27, 2015 at 6:00 pm

      xoxoxo

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