FWB is, in theory, very straight-forward: You are emotionally platonic friends, but physically, you are sexual.
However, just because this dynamic is simple on paper doesn’t mean that it’s uncomplicated in real life. If you’re contemplating starting a FWB relationship, you likely have pressing questions.
Let's get down to business. Here is what you need to know about FWB:
How long does friends with benefits usually last?
- Understand what a lover is.
- Your kids, friends and family do not meet your FWB.
- No sneaking men into the house when your kids are asleep.
- A friend-with-benefits is not your support system.
- Relationship rules do not apply to a FWB.
- Have fun.
- Accept your friends with benefits relationship for what it is.
- Just hooking up? Leave the door open to more.
- Be safe.
How to ask a guy to be friends with benefits
How to end a friends with benefits situation
Where to find a friend with benefits?
Sometimes, you’ll have existing friends with whom FWB can develop. However, oftentimes, finding a FWB means making a new friend altogether.
A great place to start is with online dating sites. As you start searching for potential hookup buddies online, make sure you connect with people who want the same type of relationship you do, rather than a committed relationship.
Some online dating sites will be better tailored to your needs than others. For example, sites like eharmony focus on building serious relationships, while apps like Tinder and AdultFriendFinder.com cater to users who are seeking hookups and/or casual dating.
Reddit user ecish found a successful FWB dynamic through online dating:
Of course, online dating isn’t the only way to meet a FWB. You might also meet someone at work, through friends, recreational clubs and activities, or out and about in your neighborhood.
Some people also consider being FWB with an ex, which Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. and certified sex therapist, doesn't recommend in most cases.
“The emotional baggage, past memories, and potential for confusion often make it more of a challenge than a benefit for both involved,” Moore says.
Katie Schubert, certified sex therapist and LMHT, says to make this kind of arrangement work, “[it] would mean dealing with the baggage so it doesn't reappear as triggers in the new FWB relationship.”
What do friends with benefits do together?
A FWB is called a FWB for a reason: you share a friendship in addition to your sexual relationship. That means there are no set rules over what you can and can’t do together.
Maybe common interests and activities are the basis of your friendship. That’s great! Whether you share a love of football, food, or theater, you can hang out and enjoy things together, just like friends do. Then, of course, the main benefit: you can have sex.
You are not allowed to fall in love.
(Good luck with that.)
How long does friends with benefits usually last?
There’s no set timeline on how long a FWB can last. Just like any relationship, the two of you set your own pace. What matters most is that you communicate and check in with each other on a regular basis to make sure that the dynamic is still serving you both.
One potential pitfall of FWB is that, if you don’t communicate, your expectations and needs can change and you could both get stuck in a limbo state, preventing one or both of you from moving on to a committed romantic relationship — together or with someone else.
It’s totally normal for needs and feelings to change with time: Maybe you want more. Maybe the relationship just isn’t serving you anymore. Maybe you want to instill a new boundary. Whatever your need is, check in with yourself, communicate, and then respect your FWB’s response.
Is FWB a good idea?
FWB can be an excellent way for you — and your FWB — to get your needs met. However, the dynamic is inherently precarious and can become complicated (just like any other relationship between two people!).
Mature adults who are respectful to one another may be able to successfully navigate this better than others.
If you notice you are experiencing feelings of jealousy, anxiety, or a yearning for commitment, then FWB may not be a good idea for you personally.
This might be a sign that you actually want a serious relationship.
Friends with benefits? 9 rules to follow
“Always value the “F” in FWB,” Moore says. “Even in a laid-back relationship, respect and kindness should be at the forefront.”
To help you make the most of your FWB situation, here are eight guidelines:
1. Understand relationship limits and boundaries.
“At the core, this relationship is about physical closeness. But emotions can be complex,” Moore says.
Before diving in, she suggests discussing the potential future of the relationship,” She offered these questions to think over — on your own and together — to help you get started:
- How do I truly feel about this relationship?
- What do I hope to get out of it?
- Could it evolve into something romantic, or is it strictly casual?
- Am I open to the idea of romance, or do I want to keep things strictly physical?
Reddit user tastethegoodlife says they learned this the hard way:
2. Respect privacy.
A FWB is not a public relationship. This means your kids, friends, and family do not meet your FWB — and neither do your Instagram or Facebook followers.
Moore says in today's digital age, privacy is paramount. It’s also something that needs to be discussed and agreed to from the start.
“Are you both OK with others knowing about your relationship, or is discretion preferred?” Moore says. She recommends asking yourself, “How public or private do I want this relationship to be?”
Privacy is important even beyond the realm of our social networks. Moore recommends that FWB avoid sending intimate photos, ensuring that trust — and privacy — remain intact.
3. Keep your FWB separate from your kids.
If you’re a single parent, it’s important to set strict boundaries around when and where you see your FWB. This means no sneaking your FWB into the house when your kids are sleeping! Kids are perceptive, and doing this teaches children to distrust their instincts and feel unsafe in their home.
If you do end up seriously dating, learn when to introduce your boyfriend to your kids
4. Know that a friend-with-benefits is not your support system.
Remember, a FWB is not your significant other or a potential spouse. There are stricter limits and parameters around your relationship. Your arrangement is built upon mutual enjoyment — not a long-term commitment. To healthily sustain this, Moore recommends regular check-ins.
“The closeness in a FWB can sometimes blur lines,” Moore says. “Always try to remember the casual nature of your arrangement and not get carried away.”
When lines get blurred, you risk things getting messy. “One person might invest more time and effort into the arrangement, leading to feelings of imbalance,” Moore says. “This could cause strain as one person might feel they're putting in more than they're getting out.”
5. Address the subject of monogamy.
In committed relationships, we have expectations around how our partner will behave: we might want a text the next day after we see them, or expect them to remember birthdays and other special occasions. If we’re monogamous, we expect that we are their only sexual partner.
However, FWB is inherently different. The same “rules” do not apply. Moore says that even if you have a FWB, you can still be in the dating scene, free to meet other people. The flipside is that your “friend” has this right, too.
Moore provides tips on how to make this as simple possible, starting with an emphasis on boundaries around sexual health.
“If the friends aren't monogamous, they need some sort of agreement around with whom condoms/other forms of protection are used and how often they receive STI screenings,” she says. “On that note, they should also discuss boundaries around monogamy — do they plan to be monogamous or have other partners?”
Having these conversations are paramount to a healthy FWB relationship and your health in general.
6. Have fun!
Don’t get bogged down by all the do’s and don’ts! Remember, the basis of FWB is shared enjoyment and fun.
“It can be a space where you explore your desires and understand your preferences in a trusted environment,” Moore says. “This can be liberating for those who aren't looking for anything serious.”
7. Accept your friends-with-benefits relationship for what it is.
Once you have had your exploratory conversations and decided on what boundaries look like for you in your own FWB relationship, it’s important to accept and respect the relationship’s set parameters.
You mutually chose this arrangement for any number of reasons: you have sexual chemistry but do not fit into one another's lives. Or, you need one another's companionship but are both otherwise not interested in a serious commitment.
Whatever the reason, you chose casual rather than commitment. This means it is not appropriate to try to manipulate your FWB into a serious relationship.
If your needs or desires change, check-in with your FWB.
Read our Tinder review — just for hooking up?
8. Leave the door in your heart open to more.
The only constant in life is change! Be open to the possibility of developing a deeper connection with your FWB — especially if you’re using FWB to avoid your fear of commitment and/or emotional intimacy.
Who knows! Your FWB could be the start of a love story.
“Sometimes, sparks fly when least expected,” Moore says. “Over time, the bond might deepen, and what started as a fun arrangement could blossom into a full-blown romance.”
The key is knowing if your FWB is on the same page — which is why regular communication is vital.
9. Be safe.
Regular common-sense rules of dating apply.
Are you worried the guy you are dating is cheating, married or you just want to check him out before you meet up IRL? You can always do a paid background check or use one of these other free or inexpensive ways to find people online.
How to ask someone to be friends with benefits
As with any budding relationship, it’s important to be upfront about what you’re looking for from the start. As you begin chatting and spending time with someone, be clear that you are looking for a casual relationship.
You’ll want to explore your connection with them before initiating the conversation. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
- Do I have fun when I am with this person?
- Do we share sexual chemistry?
- Are my needs getting met?
- Is this person looking for the same thing, or do they want more?
Then, it’s time to get candid. Share what you want and see if it’s mutual.
How to end a friends-with-benefits situation
“FWB setups don't always last,” Moore says. “Know that it might end and that it's OK to possibly just go back to being friends.”
If your feelings have changed, communicate them to your FWB. Just because you aren’t in a committed relationship doesn't mean ghosting your FWB is appropriate. Just as you communicate your needs and expectations at the beginning of your arrangement, share what has changed with your FWB.
If you are having doubts, read our 26 relationship red flags.
How to run a background check on your date
FWB dating FAQs
Here's what else you might be wondering about FWB.
Do friends with benefits work?
“Constantly navigating the dynamics of an FWB relationship, especially when boundaries aren't clear, can be mentally and emotionally taxing,” Moore says. “The effort to maintain the balance might sometimes feel draining.”
However, that doesn’t mean that putting in the effort isn’t worth it. Friends with benefits are just like any human relationship: It can be a source of joy or of pain. It all depends upon how you communicate and set boundaries and expectations. Only you will know what works for you!
Reddit user JaxJim reports his FWB success:
How do you tell if your friend with benefits wants more?
“Some people find it challenging to keep close moments separate from deep romantic feelings,” Moore says.
This could be true for your FWB. “Relationships evolve, and feelings can shift,” she says. The best way to tell if your FWB wants more is by having check-ins. Schubert says it's important to feel you can speak openly to your friend about feelings and concerns if they come up in the course of your relationship.
Can friends with benefits fall in love?
We don’t choose who we fall in love with. Love surprises us time and time again. It’s completely possible for you and your FWB to fall in love — you already share a friendship and powerful sexual connection!
Start with online dating sites and local hookup apps.
So, you can hang out, drink, travel, go to dinner, watch sports, shop, go to theater, and have sex.
FWB can last a lifetime, for one evening, or anywhere in between.
Friends with benefits can be very excellent, meeting both partner's needs. But it can quickly become messy. After all, humans with emotions are involved.
Friends with benefits are just like any human relationship: It is can be beautiful and perfect until it's not. The key is to set boundaries, communicate, and be realistic.
