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Are you a single mom? Single mom by choice? What advice do you give women thinking of having a baby on her own? 

Not a week goes by that I don't find myself in conversation with a childless woman in her 30s worried about whether to have kids, wondering if she should become a single mom by choice.

The typical scenario: She's not dating anyone she really likes, or is in a relationship she's not sure about, but really wants to be a mom.

She worries that:

1. She won't find the right partner.
2. If she does marry and they have a kid, it will end in divorce.
3. Having a baby on her own will turn out terribly because single motherhood is universally terrible.

She asks: How hard is it to be a single mom?

My advice is always the same to women thinking about being a single mom by choice:

Why women become single mothers by choice

How do I prepare to be a single mom by choice?

This is some advice single moms by choice shared on Reddit:

What you should know before becoming a single parent by choice

• What is the best age to get pregnant and have a baby biologically?
• Will you choose IVF and use a sperm donor?
• What about egg freezing for single moms?
• Harsh facts about egg freezing

Are there any single mother by choice regrets?

• Are single mothers by choice happy?

When deciding to be a single mom by choice, consider these facts

Bottom line: You're not getting any younger—don't wait for a husband before having a baby because you can be a single mom by choice

My advice is always the same to women thinking about being a single mom by choice:

Have a baby! You will never regret having a baby! Yeah, divorce is hard. Being a mom alone is hard. But it is not full of regret.

Having kids in a tough situation is way, way easier than denying the very thing that your body is biologically designed to do and is screaming at you to manifest. Some women's bodies do not scream that at them. Yours is. Listen to that! 

Do not live with regret. 

Regret is the worst. 

Have a baby!

Here's the thing with babies. You have no idea how much you will love them. I know one or two moms who will occasionally say they wish they didn't have kids. Or so many kids. I appreciate that. Totally human. But 99% of the moms I know will tell you:

Your love for your baby will blow your fucking mind. You think you have been in love with men. You think you love your family. You think you love Patrick Dempsey and Sephora.

You don't know shit.

Wait until you have a baby.

Mind = Blown.

What about waiting around to marry “the one,” or whatever? Read my How many divorce stories started with ‘I knew he was the one!' Your fertility is finite. The years you will have the energy to parent little kids are limited.

So go ahead and have a kid or three with your really nice boyfriend you're not 100% sure about because, listen — you have no idea how you will feel when you see him changing poopy pants, or when he steps in and takes over when you have crippling postpartum depression and your milk won't come in and you haven't washed your hair for 11 days and he spoons you in bed anyway.

And that man of your dreams you're waiting for with whom you just instantly connect? Well, he might just check out and not really be interested in family life or start spending long nights at the office with that really pretty colleague. In short, you have no way of knowing what life with that guy will be like.

And if there isn't a really nice guy on the scene, well, you are an adult woman and you know the ways you can have a baby.

Because life is about taking risks. Marriage is a risk. Having babies is a risk. There are no guarantees. The best things are hard. All cliches. All true.

Have the baby.

Then you will be a single mom. And that is scary, and you will be afraid of being poor and messing up your kids. But married moms worry about that, too. And half of married moms end up single moms.

And you have so many amazing opportunities as a woman to earn a great living and control your schedule and bring up awesome children and still find romantic love. So just do that. I'm here for you. And other moms, too.

Why women become single mothers by choice

Dr. Jennifer Roelands, an integrative medicine trained OB/GYN who runs a telehealth practice based in Los Angeles, says there are a lot of reasons a woman might choose to become a single mother:

1. She hasn’t found the right partner and wants to have a child (or children) before her fertility window ends.
2. She's invested a lot of money and time into a successful career.
3. She doesn’t want to devote effort into a relationship but wants to be a mother.
4. She never wants to get married but still wants to be a mother.
5. She had a bad relationship and feels like she’d prefer to parent alone.

How do I prepare to be a single mom by choice?

To prepare to be a single mom by choice, get advice from women who have already made the decision.

Mikki Morrissette is a publisher and editor at Minnesota Women’s Press and is the author of numerous books about becoming a single mom by choice, including Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman’s Guide. 

She says there is no perfect formula for deciding to be a single mom by choice, but you can ask yourself these questions to determine if it’s the right decision for you:

1. Can you afford it? 

Research the costs to conceive, adopt, and any other method you plan to explore. Consider the monthly budget you will need to raise the child, including child care, education, medical needs, clothing, and more.

2. Do you have support?

Morrissette says that no one can become a single mom by choice without a village, no matter how self-sufficient, strong, and excited they may be about the journey. Her advice? Begin to build your support system.

You can reach out to family and friends and seek help from professionals like doulas, nannies, and other child care professionals. Care.com is a great resource to find help.

3. Have you researched first-hand experiences?

Find other moms who have already become mothers by choice and get insight from:

• Reddit – The subreddits r/SingleMothersbyChoice and r/Parenting offer a forum where you can ask questions and read posts from single moms who decided to have children without a partner
• Facebook groups – Search Facebook groups for “single moms by choice”
• Apps – Friend apps like Meetup and Nextdoor can possibly connect you with single moms in your area
• YouTube – One mom, Alicia Latrice, shares her journey here about how she decided to become a single mother by choice:

Stats about single mothers in the United States.

Jennifer A. Salem, Esq., founder and owner of Origins Legal Group, LLC in Las Vegas, adopted her infant daughter at the age of 41.

She offers this advice for women preparing for single motherhood: 

• Find a job with a flexible schedule: Salem owns her own business so she can dictate her own hours. It helps if you can find a work-from-home job like bookkeeping, or a position with flexible hours.
• Seek help: Salem’s mom took care of her daughter when she first went back to work full time. Figure out a plan for child care before you have to scramble to find someone. 
• Go with the flow: Salem says she decided early on to have fun and go with the flow, knowing she wouldn’t always have a sitter and would have to bring her child along for errands and time with friends. 
• Consider adoption: Salem says some women think they cannot adopt if they are single, but she is proof that it’s possible.

Another single mom by choice offered this advice:

“Get a strong community together, and ask for help! Save money as a cushion. Before baby comes, food prep so it's easy to heat and serve. Make sure your car is in good working order, and get backup car seats and bases for your community. It’s really doable!”

Beth, SMBC of a 6-year-old

This is some advice single moms by choice shared on Reddit:

What you should know before becoming a single parent by choice

If you’re considering becoming a single parent by choice, Roelands says these are some questions to ask yourself first: 

1. How do you see your role as a parent?
2. How do you want to raise your child(ren)?
3. Are you emotionally and financially ready to take on the responsibilities of parenthood?
4. Do you have a support system to help?

Above all, Roelands says, “it is simply your choice.”

What is the best age to get pregnant and have a baby biologically?

When it comes to straight fertility, it is easiest to get pregnant in your late teens and early 20s, when fertility is at its highest, according to the Cleveland Clinic¹.

As women age, the risks of birth defects increase. Fertility declines starting at age 32, and starts to plummet starting at age 37, according to the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology².

The risk of birth abnormalities, including chromosomal abnormalities, increases as a mother ages.

Will you choose IVF and use a sperm donor?

In vitro fertilization or IVF involves collecting eggs from the mother and using sperm to fertilize them in a lab. The fertilized egg(s) are placed into the mother’s uterus or frozen for later use. 

A less expensive alternative to IVF is intrauterine insemination (IUI), where the sperm is injected into the uterus. Of the two fertility treatments, IVF has a higher success rate, according to the Cleveland Clinic³.

You can choose your sperm donor for IVF or IUI — either someone you know or a named or anonymous donor you don’t know.

Here are some factors to consider before choosing IVF vs IUI:

What about egg freezing for single moms?

For the last decade, feminists have been loving the new push for young, professional women to freeze their eggs to give them more flexibility in finding a romantic partner while prioritizing professional success with abandon.

Google, Apple and Facebook all offered this expensive procedure as an employee perk — one heralded as an excellent step towards gender equality in the workplace.

Harsh facts about egg freezing

However, the Washington Post⁶ published an extensive article broadcasting what fertility experts have long known: egg freezing is successful only a small percentages of the time, a fact that the burgeoning fertility industry keeps under wraps.

Taking care of elderly parents? 5 tips for the sandwich generation

Are there any single mother by choice regrets?

There are plenty of famous women who became single moms by choice: Sandra Bullock, Charlize Theron, and Mindy Kaling, to name a few. While Bullock and Theron both adopted their children, Kaling has two biological children and hasn’t revealed their father’s identity. 

Bullock told People after her daughter’s adoption in 2015 that there’s no doubt in her mind she was meant to adopt her children: “I can tell you absolutely, the exact right children came to me at the exact right time.”

Several women on Reddit have sought — and shared — advice about becoming a single mother by choice:

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Most had no regrets about their decision to become a single mom:

Are single mothers by choice happy?

Overwhelmingly, single moms on Reddit said they didn't regret their decision to become a single mom by choice. However, that doesn't mean single mothers by choice are always happy and never struggle:

Roelands says she had a patient who decided to undergo IVF to have a child. 

“She decided that she wanted a baby and was in her early 40s and did not want to miss the chance,” Roelands says.

The woman had supportive friends and her mother backing her up throughout the process. 

“She is a wonderful mother and happy with her choice,” Roelands says.

When deciding to be a single mom by choice, consider these facts

It is unfair that women have a devastatingly smaller fertility window than men. But the science is there. Embrace it. Inform your daughters and friends accordingly.

Support single moms and all women as we navigate these unprecedented waters, as we seek out fulfillment for ourselves and our families, and equality and choice for women everywhere.

Your uterus and ovaries take a turn for the worse at age 27. Age 35? Yours is officially a high-risk pregnancy. Come 40 — forget it. Your chances of having a baby without significant fertility treatments are slim. Women who find themselves facing those chances often also find themselves devastated and broke⁷.

These are facts. Not trends or social movements. You cannot change biology.

Other facts: humans find relationships with other humans to be the most important and enjoyable parts of their lives. Relationships with romantic partners. Relationships with children. Another force of biology.

And yet I once read with horror a New York Times Magazine article⁸ about college women and the hookup culture, which found:

1. Young women are so busy pursuing their careers that they don't have time for real boyfriends, and instead have “hookup buddies” and dole out copious numbers of blow jobs as the sole way they connect with men
2. Wome are not factoring in a husband or children into near-term goals.
3. College guys get what they want sexually because they are now the minority, and market economics dictates they have the power to get what they want sexually. And what they want are BJs.

This article made me a little sad, and a lot angry. If in your parenting you relegate family planning to an afterthought, you denigrate your children, their innate dreams and desires, and stunt their potential to truly achieve fulfillment in both work and family that we all strive for.

Yes, we have a lot of work to do on the front of gender equality at work. Yes it is fantastic that young women see a clear connection between their hard work and smarts and professional potential.

But this article quotes numerous college students and experts who say that pressure from parents and society is for young women to focus on professional achievement above all else — and far above marriage and children. A few quotes:

“I positioned myself in college in such a way that I can’t have a meaningful romantic relationship, because I’m always busy.”

“They envisioned their 20s as a period of unencumbered striving, when they might work at a bank in Hong Kong one year, then go to business school, then move to a corporate job in New York. The idea of lugging a relationship through all those transitions was hard for many to imagine.”

“Increasingly many privileged young people see college as a unique life stage in which they don’t — and shouldn’t — have obligations other than their own self-development.

“A. said that she did not want to settle down until she could choose a partner knowing that his goals and values were fixed.” 

“[The women] tried very hard to separate sex from emotion, because they believed that getting too attached to someone would interfere with their work. They saw a woman’s marrying young as either proof of a lack of ambition or a tragic mistake that would stunt her career.”

I admit that I have held that latter attitude. I was 28 when I married, 31 when I had my first child. People — and by “people,” I mean New York City liberals — often remark how young I was when I married, even though I was a full year older than the national average for women, and pushing my fertility luck when I got pregnant.

Once, when I was in my early 20s, my mom casually said: “You should have your kids by the time you're 30.” At the time that struck me as sexist and old-fashioned. Today, it sounds to me simply sensible and respectful of nature.

Don’t be a helicopter mom: Overprotective parents can hurt their kids

Which is exactly the message that I will impart on my daughter. It goes without saying that my daughter's intellectual interests and aptitude will be nurtured.

But what about her personal ones? The standard-issue advice for college-bound women is to establish a career first, then start a family. But the laws of fertility include a time limit. Career does not. 

The laws of the heart demand spontaneity and serendipity. Women need love — romantic love, maternal love. Career is but one part of a young woman's development. As a mother, it is my obligation to encourage my daughter to develop every part of herself.

What to tell your child when his father is not involved.

Bottom line: You're not getting any younger—don't wait for a husband before having a baby because you can be a single mom by choice

There are no guarantees. Even if you meet that great guy, there are still no guarantees.

Take the pressure off yourself to have a “perfect,” life. Embrace that that might not make you happy in the first place.

Embrace the power of your career, economic, and legal opportunities as a woman— which are unprecedented in history. Embrace the growing social acceptance of having a child outside of that Ozzie and Harriet fantasy. Embrace your choice.

At the end of the day, you cannot predict the future.

Life happens, and you have to take control when you can.

SOURCES

1. “What’s the Best Age To Get Pregnant?” January 21, 2022. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/best-age-to-get-pregnant/
2. “Having a Baby After Age 35: How Aging Affects Fertility and Pregnancy” February 2023. American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology. https://www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs/Having-a-Baby-After-Age-35-How-Aging-Affects-Fertility-and-Pregnancy?utm_source=redirect&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=otn
3. “What’s the Difference Between IVF and IUI?” January 31, 2022. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/iui-vs-ivf/
4. “IUI vs. IVF: Which Is Right for You?” June 13, 2022. GoodRx Health. https://www.goodrx.com/conditions/fertility/iui-intrauterine-insemination-vs-ivf-in-vitro-fertilization
5. “In vitro fertilization (IVF)” Sept. 10, 2021. Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/in-vitro-fertilization/about/pac-20384716
6. “The struggle to conceive with frozen eggs” January 27, 2018. Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/national/wp/2018/01/27/feature/she-championed-the-idea-that-freezing-your-eggs-would-free-your-career-but-things-didnt-quite-work-out/?utm_term=.73a6b96a1e1a
7. “Dear Fertility Doc: Should I Be Worried About My Biological Clock?” Jun 23, 2022. Forbes Health. https://www.forbes.com/health/family/biological-clock-impact-on-fertility/?ss=forbeswoman#304181a95d92
8. “Sex on Campus: She Can Play That Game, Too” July 12, 2013. New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/14/fashion/sex-on-campus-she-can-play-that-game-too.html?pagewanted=all

Most people who use a co-parenting app do so because a judge ordered them to or because they’ve agreed to do so in divorce negotiations or family court mediation.

While the app may have come into your life in a negative context, co-parenting apps can make communication, finance, scheduling and parenting in general a better experience for your whole family. 

OurFamilyWizard is our top choice co-parenting app for court-monitored communication. Why?

• Parent company Avirat has an A+ Better Business Bureau rating
• Great user experience and seamless (or close to it) interface
• Widely used and recognized by courts  
• Competitive cost, with military discount, financial assistance, and money-back guarantee / 30-day free trial

Here is what you need to know court-monitored communication:

What you need to know to prepare for court

Co-parenting apps for communication

• What are co-parenting apps and what do co-parenting apps do?

Why and how to use a co-parenting app for court-monitored-communication

• So how do co-parenting apps work for court-monitored communication?
• Court-monitored communication tips

Co-parenting app features

• Co-parent court-monitored communication 
• Co-parent and shared parenting plans  
• Co-parent and shared parenting schedules 
• Co-parent calendar

Frequently asked questions about Our Family Wizard and court-monitored communication

Court-monitored communication: What you need to know to protect yourself in court

Molly Rosenblum, owner and founding attorney of The Rosenblum Allen Law Firm in Las Vegas, says court-monitored communication provides a safeguard when you’re interacting with your former spouse. 

“Having all the communications in one place keeps it all there and avoids parents pointing fingers at each other,” Rosenblum says. 

She says using an app that both parties know is being monitored by a judge usually keeps everyone on their best behavior.

Co-parenting apps for court-monitored communication

Rosenblum says courts typically recommend co-parenting apps like Our Family Wizard and TalkingParents in high-conflict divorce cases. 

Judges and attorneys can access these apps to track communication between former spouses and use what was said in the event of a parental conflict. 

“We, as the attorneys, like that it keeps all communication in one place, which makes it easy to follow and eliminates a ton of wasted time trying to track down messages,” Rosenblum says. 

These are some other apps used for court-monitored communication: 

• Whatsapp
• coParenter
• Custody X Change
• 2Houses
• Cozi
• WeParent

Check out our full list of co-parenting apps here.

What are co-parenting apps and what do co-parenting apps do?

Co-parenting apps help you and your ex juggle the craziness that is parenthood: 

• Equally shared parenting schedule, including vacation and summer schedules
• Expenses
• Contacts for babysitters, grandparents, friends, the pediatrician, nanny, etc. 
• Extracurricular and random appointments, including dentist  appointments, school functions, sleepovers, music lessons, soccer games, parent-teacher conferences

Most apps for divorced parents to communicate are mobile-based, although some rely on website-based versions.

Why (and how) to use a co-parenting app for court-monitored communication

Rosenblum says there are a few reasons co-parenting apps are great for court-monitored communication: 

• Keeps all communication in one place
• Keeps track of communication threads about a particular subject
• Tone meter (available on some apps like OurFamilyWizard) let the writer know when their communication is pushing a bad or aggressive tone
• Eliminates “he said/she said”
• Keeps communication civil since both parties know the app is monitored by a judge

A definitive list of 7 co-parenting boundaries you need to know

So how do co-parenting apps work for court-monitored communication? 

Both parents download the specified co-parenting app and create connected accounts. Judges and attorneys involved in the co-parenting agreement also have accounts to access and monitor the parents’ communication.

Whether you are using a co-parenting app by choice, the recommendation of your lawyer, or a court mandate, the same rules apply.

Using an app for co-parent communication is not just to comply with a custody agreement, but to actually get along with your ex — or at least to model respectful adult behavior for your kids, and minimize drama and conflict. Separation and divorce are tough, even if you were the one who initiated the split. Sometimes even basic, necessary communication feels like walking through a minefield.

Court-monitored communication tips

1. Be consistent. Do not use your iPhone’s text function. Stick to always communicating with your co-parent within the app. Likewise with scheduling: Do not send your ex a calendar invite to change the schedule from your iCalendar, but use the agreed-upon co-parenting app’s functions. Make a habit of always documenting any child expenses immediately, including taking photos of receipts. 

2. If you use an app like Our Family Wizard with a vault feature, scan and store important information like:

• Birth certificate
• Passport (and, if need be, a letter authorizing you to travel abroad with the kids)
• Information on allergies or dietary issues/restrictions and any medications your children take
• Insurance card 

3. Be as helpful as you can and fill out contact information for people like coaches, doctors, teachers, school administrators, kids’ friends’ parents, babysitters and others — even if your co-parent does not reciprocate or thank you.

4. Do not add other people to the app without consulting with your other parent. For example, if you’d like to add your mom to the app to help with child care, but your ex and your mom have an ugly history, check with him first. Likewise, be practical and forgiving with your ex’s requests. 

5. Use the co-parenting app as a neutral tool — not a weapon. While most co-parenting apps allow you to download and export time-stamped communication, calendar and expense histories for court submission, do not threaten your ex with these consequences. Instead, focus on the benefits of using an app to reduce conflict, confusion and misunderstandings. Similarly, if things do get ugly, the facts will be on your side with minimum conflict. 

6. Respect your ex as an equal parent who’s just as responsible for your kids as you are. In other words, treat them the way you want to be treated: by staying in touch, and by sharing need-to-know info (“Kiddo had a fight with her best friend, so she might be feeling sad”).

7. Be nice. OurFamilyWizard's ToneMeter is a unique tool that points out that a text you just wrote (but have yet to send) may be nastier than you intended. Even if you are not using an app, keep language and tone neutral or positive. “Kids are due back at 7 o’clock – don’t be late again, dickhead,” should give way to, “See you guys at 7.”

Better yet, by using a co-parenting app consistently, you will no longer need to remind each other of schedules or appointments since you will each be accustomed to referencing the shared calendar first.

Co-parenting app features

Apps vary, of course. But some features are universal:

• Calendar 
• Communication / chat / text / messaging 
• Expense tracking and request feature 
• Requesting and tracking of schedule changes 
• Storage for sharing documents and contacts 

Co-parent court-monitored communication 

Communication is central to successful co-parenting. If you’re still feeling raw about the split it can be hard even to look at your ex, let along talk with them. Yet you know it’s best for the kids if their parents get along.

Can’t talk in person without wanting to cry or rage? The app lets you say what needs to be said, such as “Parent-teacher conferences are coming up” or “The kids need flu shots.”

But don't stop there. Try actual communication. For example, you could message, “Do you think our son is ready for sleepaway camp?” 

And if you’re making a serious effort to be the best co-parent ever, send a well-done-you! note: “Glad you took the kids sledding – they can’t stop talking about how much fun it was.” OurFamilyWizard allows you to share a pic.

These kinds of messages will get you in the habit of talking to your ex. They’ll also remind you that you’re no longer a couple but you are co-parents.

Co-parent and shared parenting plans  

Some couples set up a parenting plan through their lawyers, and some create their own. Depending on how your separation and divorce shook down, you might be required to have regular check-ins with your ex, or even to take co-parenting classes online or parenting classes near me.

Whether you share 50-50 parenting time, or a 3-3-4-4 days, 2-2-5-5, 2-2-3 days, or the old every-other-weekend special, you can plug these parenting schedules into any of the co-parenting apps.

Often, a judge will mandate you use a co-parenting app to work with your ex, including using one like Our Family Wizard that allows you to create a PDF of text exchanges, a record of on-time or missed visitations and expense sharing.

7 benefits of parenting classes and where to find them

Co-parent and shared parenting schedules 

Once your plans are in the app everything will be easy, right? Riiiight. Life happens, and sometimes the unexpected, or honest miscommunication wrecks your carefully organized co-parenting schedules.

The co-parenting app makes it easier to plan and adjust. Suppose your 20th high school reunion is announced. You check the app and sure enough, you’ll have the kids that weekend. Plenty of time for the two of you to arrange a trade.

Or maybe you have to head to an industry conference in three months. As soon as you have the dates, check the app to see if you need to switch days with your ex. Many co-parenting apps have a function within the calendar to request a swap or trade, with the times of request and response being documented for future references.

Co-parent calendar

Drop-off and pick-up times, field trips, music lessons, the school play – goof-ups are a lot less likely when everything’s in one place. Even the most well-intentioned parent sometimes flakes out on a PTA meeting. Joint-custody schedules can help. When it’s on the shared child custody calendar, you and your ex can either negotiate who has to go this time, or agree to attend together — whether you have a 50/50 custody schedule, or something else.

The calendars can often be synced with personal calendars like iCal or Google Calendar. Generally, they can be shared with other people, too. That way, Grandma won’t miss the piano recital, and your babysitter will know what nights your ex will be picking up the children.

You can share the calendar with your kids, too.

Frequently asked questions about Our Family Wizard and court-monitored communication

Here are some common questions about OurFamilyWizard, one of the top apps for court-monitored communication:

Is OurFamilyWizard monitored?

If the court requires you to use OurFamilyWizard as part of your co-parenting agreement, professionals involved in your case (i.e. lawyers, judge) may be able to monitor your OurFamilyWizard account. 

Is OurFamilyWizard admissible in court?

OurFamilyWizard can be used in court if needed. The app records communications between parents on the app and makes it easier to share a calendar, documents, and important information.

Does OurFamilyWizard record phone calls?

No. OurFamilyWizard only records communications made directly through the app. These include:

• Secure messaging 
• Shared family calendar
• Check-in journal
• Shared memories
• Expense log
• File sharing

Try Our Family Wizard free for 30 days >>

Stop calling your kid all the time when they are with their dad

There are plenty of memes going around Facebook giving Father's Day shout-outs to single moms who “do it all.”

Make your way down the card isle at any store, and you will come across a half-dozen Hallmark cards designed for moms on this day for dads.

Cards read:

“Happy Father's Day, Mom!”

“Mom: You're the best! Thanks for being both father and mother.”

“Happy Father's Day to all the single moms pulling double duty.”

It is not OK to wish single moms a Happy Father's Day.

Should you wish single moms a “Happy Father’s Day”?

• Why single moms are not fathers on Father's Day

What your kids hear when moms say they are the mother and the father

1. “Fathers are replaceable.”
2. “Men are irrelevant.”
3. “I am a martyr and you owe me.” 
4. “Your dad sucks.“
5. “Your dad will never be an important part of your life.“

Should you wish single moms a “Happy Father’s Day”?

In short: Moms never get to celebrate Father's Day. Don't wish any female-gendered person Happy Father's Day. It is absolutely uncool to every male, female, adult and child.

Overwhelmed and (often justifiably) resentful mothers who do not have a supportive co-parent (whether she is in a relationship or not) have long taken on the mantra: I am the mother and father.

Subtex: I do the work of the two parents that a child should have, because the asshole won't do his share. Sometimes, the backstory is less bitter and involves the death of the father.

I get it. I really get it. I get that you do all, or most of the work.

I get that he checked out and that is so, so, so wrong and absentee fathers hold men, women, fathers, mothers and most of all children back.

Absentee fathers is a big freaking problem in this country, as I have explored in numerous posts. What to tell your child when their father is not involved.

I am making it in my work a priority to address and remedy.

Why single moms are not fathers on Father's Day

First, no child is guaranteed two parents. In fact, through most of history in societies around the world, children were raised by whole clans. The idea of a two-parent nuclear household is an advent of the past 150 years.

Second, the problem of absentee fathers is not because men are inherently horrible, and do not care about their children. The reason so many kids suffer without a father — and mothers of those children struggle to raise them — is an institutionalized and complex social shitshow that is caused by both genders equally, hurts both genders equally. In summary:

Our society, culture and policy has institutionalized the patriarchial model that men are breadwinners, women are caretakers.

Countless articles bemoan that even educated, high-earning married women do far more child care and housework than their husbands. Why?

One possible explanation for this is that by outearning their husbands, wives worry that they are breaking norms on gender expectations. The same norms are at play for men in female-dominated occupations, such as nursing, who are more likely than other men to do more masculine types of housework like power-hosing the deck or mowing the lawn. Women in male-dominated occupations, such as law enforcement, tend to do more feminine tasks such as cooking and washing the dishes. These men and women are “correcting” for their jobs by asserting their masculinity and femininity through housework.

ALIYA HAMID RAO, in The Atlantic

Now, let's look at separated and divorced families. Only one state, Kentucky, as of 2019, has any laws that guarantee that both parents — mothers and fathers — are guaranteed a presumption of equality when it comes to parenting time. The rest of the states default to the decades' old mantra of best interest of the child which means that both parents are encouraged to fight tooth and nail to prove they are the better parent, the reward for which is majority custody and parenting time.

All the white, straight, rich men (who have benefited for centuries from unpaid at-home wives) overwhelming award mothers primary custody. Dads are relegated to every-other-weekend parttime visitors in their childres' lives — often with unaffordable child support requirements.

Conflict between parents ensues. The less parenting time fairness, and the more conflict, studies show, the less involved fathers are.

The men check out. Fatherlessness ensues. Inconsistent involvement from fathers is tied to every social ill: Emotional and academic delays, low employment, incarceration, addiction, and an increased likelihood of repeating these family patterns.

Are single-parent families whole?

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What your kids hear when moms say they are the mother and the father

By saying: I am taking credit for being a father, you tell your children:

1. “Fathers are replaceable.”

They are not.

It is heartbreaking that your kids' dad is not an equal parent, but that doesn't mean that his absence is irrelevant.

It's not.

It's a big deal, and your children deserve the honor of feeling sad, mourning the absence of a committed dad.

2. “Men are irrelevant.”

Men aren't irrelevant.

You don't die when you don't have a romantic partner, and your kids don't die when their dad isn't around.

But that does not make men irrelevant.

You have a son, or you have a daughter.

If we are going to teach our children to respect women, we must respect all genders equally.

3. “I am a martyr and you owe me.” 

First of all, no one owes you shit, no matter the day of the year.

Second, you kids don't owe you because you raise them.

The makeup of their family, the involvement of each parent, is on those parents.

You do you, raise your kids and stop asking them or the world for acknowledgment.

4. “Your dad sucks.” 

He might suck. You might be right.

But don't say that to your kids — directly or passively.

Trust me, I get the temptation.

I've been guilty of saying bad stuff about my kids' dad.

But it is not pretty and you will feel bad later.

26 reasons being a single mom is awesome

5. “Your dad will never be an important part of your life.”

That may be true, but it may not be.

There are many, many examples of parents who checked out of their kids' lives, but re-emerged to be meaningful fathers and mothers.

Maybe they finally get their priorities straight.

Or deal with mental health or financial issues that hold them back from being involved.

Other times, the vitriol of the divorce or breakup subside and make room for healthy co-parenting.

If you establish that Father's Day does not involve your kids' father, you close that door of hope.

Instead, you do what you can to raise those gorgeous children.

It may mean welcoming in other male figures (even if their dad is actively involved — it is impossible to have too much love for our kids!).

Related: When to introduce your boyfriends to your kids — or have him sleep over?

It may mean growing your community by way of friends and neighbors and other bonds that make life full and happy, and help your children know that life is abundant with love — as much love as they are willing and able to accept.

Even if the love does not come from the people whom you crave it from most, there is indeed more love than you, your kids, or even their dad, can fathom.

Your kids and you get to celebrate your love for each other in May. On Mother's Day. [Happy Mother's Day to you, you incredible single mama!]

Until then, I wish all the fathers — biological, surrogate, foster, step, unofficial, official, absent, part-time, incarcerated, and otherwise — a very happy Father's Day.

Maybe you are opening a power tool and crappy popsicle stick framed pic of your kid, and enjoying a regular ol' Sunday with them.

Or, not at all. But in some way you made a contribution, and if you are like a huge portion of dads in this country who do nowhere near your share:

I believe you can do better. I believe you will do better.

And whenever you're ready to step up, please, please do. It's never too late.

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