Here is the good and bad news: It is possible to co-parent with a narcissist.
The good news is that there are tools you can use to ensure your kid has a relationship with both parents, equally, which is what research finds is what is best for kids — and moms and dads.
The negative side of this is that you have to co-parent with a narcissist. This is hard, frustrating and seemingly impossible — yet it can be done.
Maybe he or she has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, or perhaps they have a more-than-normal dose of narcissism. Either way, you are stuck co-parenting with your kids’ other parent, and it is possible.
Perhaps you have to resign yourself to parallel parenting, in which you do not interact much at all, but instead allow each other to parent as you see fit when the child is in each of your care.
Or you learn to ‘grey rock’ your ex — not react to any inflammatory texts, calls or messages sent through the kids. Co-parenting couples therapy can help.
We recommend the High Conflict Co-Parenting and Parenting Without Conflict courses from OnlineParentingPrograms.com. Ranging from 6 to 16 hours, these courses will help you parents boundaries, manage emotions, and help children of divorce and separation transition and thrive. Use coupon code WSM20 for a $20 discount on any class.
Yes, people co-parent with narcissists every day! However, many parents who share parenting with a narcissist find that parallel parenting works best. Parallel parenting is a brand of co-parenting in which each parent more or less parents how they prefer during their parenting time, with minimum collaboration between mom and dad. In fact, all parenting has some element of parallel parenting, as each parent has their own style, rules and personality.
If the usual co-parenting tips do not apply to your high-conflict situation, keep reading on information on how to successfully navigate common co-parenting problems.
2. “My ex is trying to prevent me from introducing my boyfriend to the kids.” or “I’m upset my kids’ dad introduced them to his new girlfriend right away.” Here are the rules.
If there is a history of domestic violence, you likely have an order of protection, drop-offs and pickups at public places, as well as supervised visits for the children. This is a difficult situation, and it may not get better. Using a co-parenting app can help (especially if it is court-mandated) because any text communication is documented and can be submitted to the court or authorities.
Parallel parenting is likely the best strategy when co-parenting with an abuser.
How to co-parent with a passive-aggressive, toxic, controlling ex
If your child’s mother or father is very difficult, uncooperative, or otherwise a pain in the ass, stick to the advice above, and keep in mind on how to co-parent with a controlling or toxic ex:
They likely won’t change
Accept your part of the relationship. How do you respond to nasty messages or manipulative behavior?
Practice the “grey rock” method, and do not respond to any aggressive behavior. Do not give your coparent the satisfaction of seeing you get mad or defensive. Do a lot of ignoring.
Heal yourself. The relationship was likely hurtful. Heal from that hurt. Forgive (hard as it is!). Surround yourself and your kids with positive, healthy people. Recondition yourself to expect and express joy and cooperation.
Stick to your instincts about what is right and wrong.
When they go low, you go high.
Focus on the facts, and get all agreements in writing.
How to coparent with an alcoholic
Millions of parents are addicts, and it is very hard to trust that a parent who abuses alcohol, illegal drugs, marijuana, prescription drugs — not to mention sex, food, gambling, and drama!
If your ex is actively using, you likely have supervised visits. If you do not, and you have not been successful in securing a limited visitation schedule through the courts, is there a way to coordinate visits with a family member, friend or leader in your religious community to keep the kids safe?
Seek professional support, but keep this advice in mind:
Support their recovery efforts.
Recognize and work on any codependency on your part. Al-anon.
If you have an amicable relationship, create an agreement that addresses restrictions on driving, increased communication between you and the addicted parent, and repercussions if they use when they are with the children. This Psychology Today article gives good advice on co-parenting with an addict.
How to co-parent with someone you hate
My post-divorce road with my ex has been rocky. We’re six years into this co-parenting business, and we’re far from hitting a permanent groove. In the early days, aside from screaming matches in front of the kids and neighbors alike, there were in fact calls to police and a restraining order. Weeks would go by without seeing him, and last-minute cancellations were commonplace.
Whatever nasty thing you can imagine saying to another person were in fact said. I’m guilty.
It seems inconceivable that our relationship would be anything other than an East Coast version of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.
Every day I hear from people in the midst of coparenting hell: Dads who check out, moms who block visitation, parents who cancel visits while the kids are waiting by the door, parents who call police when the other is one minute past the court-ordered time, screaming matches and one or the other spending nights in jail — for no good reason.
Fast-forward to today, and my ex and I hardly have it figured all out, and ups-and-downs ensue. What I could not have imagined has come to pass: More or less regular visits and smooth communication. Spontaneous meals together with the kids, whether at my place or restaurants. Rides shared in one or the other’s Subaru to soccer games. Gifts exchanged on behalf of the kids to the other parent on birthdays and holidays. Chit chats and the occasional hug after a big argument or birthday party co-hosted successfully at the local bowling alley.
As I told him recently in a co-parenting counseling session: I love him. I’ve known him for more than 15 years and have two kids with him. He’s a good person. I’m a good person. We both love the kids. At some point everything more or less calmed down, the divorce was finalized and life moved forward. Battles picked. The immediate trauma of divorce subsided.
I wish I could say we are perfectly civilized like the lovely Brandie Weikle, my friend who heads the excellent blog and podcast TheNewFamily.com, and who lives next door to her ex and his new wife, and are the shining model for what a healthy coparenting relationship can look like — but that would be a lie (though we did discuss vacationing together — until we got into a fight about it, but nevermind.)
Instead, I am here to tell you that it can get better. That one day while you’re both at the soccer game expecting the usual arctic glacier to stand between you on either side of the sidelines, you will find that you need help passing out rice crispy treats for the team in order to make it to the team manager meeting for your other kid across the park. And you will say, ‘Hey, can you handle this for me?’ and he will be so glad to thaw the boreal tension that he will chirp, ‘Sure!’ and suddenly there is a bit of a rapport, a hint of cozy relations that suggest the potential for more of good vibes and less of teeth-grinding hostility, and it feels good.
It feels good to you, and it feels good to him, too. And after a while you forget why you were so freaking angry at him all the time, because being angry just sucks and being nice and getting along is so much better. Even if it isn’t fair or logical, you let go. You forgive. He forgives. You see this has been hard for him, too. You see that he does love the kids, and that is a lot. You offer him a ride home. He offers to help you replace your windshield wiper blade.
You get on with it. Steel yourself not for friendship or even a sense of family. At least not yet. Instead, you open yourself to a relationship that you have not yet defined, but will explore. And everything is better.
That, I want you to know — need you to know — is possible.
Can you co-parent with a narcissist?
Yes, people co-parent with narcissists every day! However, many parents who share parenting with a narcissist find that parallel parenting works best. Parallel parenting is a brand of co-parenting in which each parent more or less parents how they prefer during their parenting time, with minimum collaboration between mom and dad.
Covid and economic-related stresses contributed to higher 2020 divorce rates, with U.S. numbers jumping 34% and newlywed separations doubling to 10%, according to a Daily Mail report.
While divorce rates overall have been falling to record lows over the past decade, overall marriage rates are lower, with younger generations preferring to delay marriage — or forgo marriage altogether.
Thinking of divorce? How to make that very tough decision.
Perhaps you are worried that your spouse senses your eagerness to leave the marriage — or you are contemplating leaving the relationship. Here are signs that the marriage is ready to end.
1. You stop arguing.
Each of you is totally over this relationship, is no longer interested in fighting to keep it alive — and therefore stop actually fighting. The fire is gone.
2. You prefer to spend more time with your friends or family than your husband or wife.
Humans need companionship, community and connection. If you don’t get those relationships from your partner you will seek them out from other people who love and care for.
3. You stop making future plans — whether with your spouse, or in your own mind you stop envisioning a future.
If your heart is not in a future with your partner, you stop making plans for the future — travel, home improvement, retirement.
4. You regret getting married.
If you feel like this person ruined your life, or your life would otherwise have been better if you had not chosen your husband or wife, there is not a lot that can turn that sentiment around.
5. You have reason to be secretive about your phone.
Flirting with an ex or co-worker? Communicating with a divorce attorney or real estate agent in coordinating a new house or apartment? Sharing your plans to leave your marriage with your brother or BFF?
Of course you would be shy about your spouse seeing these texts hinting at the end of the marriage.
6. You start worrying about money in the event you find yourself single.
Fact: Everyone is poorer after divorce. Whether you worry that leaving your breadwinner husband or wife will leave you broke — or that you will face hefty child support or alimony bills, money is a big and real worry for those contemplating divorce. Dividing retirement funds, selling the family home, supporting now two households and other expenses are stressful — and expensive. Learn more about total costs of divorce.
7. Your spouse is showing signs he or she is ready for divorce.
We elaborate on these signs of divorce in this post (which more or less mirror what you may be feeling).
Divorce is necessary if your spouse is abusive to you, your children, pets or anyone else. This includes physical, sexual, verbal, emotional and financial abuse.
You have to get divorced if your spouse wants to get divorced. You very likely can’t change his or her mind — and even if you could get him to stay, that rarely works out long-term.
Marriage breakdown that he or she refuses to address or work on. It’s over!
If you have a reasonably low-conflict divorce, you can file your own divorce papers quickly and online. Read our reviews of the best online divorce paper services.
Should I leave my husband / wife and get a divorce?
In addition to the emotional questions listed above, there are many other parts of divorce outside of the relationship itself. As you make your decision, ask these questions:
What will your life look like after the divorce? While you may be poorer short-term after a breakup, most people do financially recover, or at least become stable. Many people stay in miserable marriages because they believe that the immediate lower lifestyle is not worth it. But many people report that leaving an unhappy union is worth the financial struggle.
Are you prepared to be away from your children for half the time — or more? While equally shared parenting is becoming the norm, it is still common for one parent to be legally allowed to see the kids for a minority of the time.
Are you prepared to have the kids all the time? It is not uncommon for one parent who is granted minority time with the kids (the father, usually), to move away or otherwise not see the children. This leaves the time, logistical, financial and emotional responsibility on the remaining parent. Are you ready for that to be you?
Are you ready to co-parent with this person? The marriage may end, but you are in it for the rest of your lives if you have children with your husband or wife. This means that you may not be able to move to another location, must continue to compromise on parenting issues and otherwise negotiate with your spouse.
To get a sense of the divorce process, get this free w0rksheet:
Regardless of your path, make sure you get the support you need and deserve. You may find that with your current family and friends, your divorce lawyers, a new tribe of strong single women friends, or a trusted therapist. Connect with a certified mental health professional through BetterHelp.com. Read our review.
You, your kids, and your husband are all best served by seeking out an amicable, low-conflict, collaborative, mediated or uncontested divorce if at all possible.
Divorcing a narcissist husband
Rebecca Zung, top-rated divorce attorney and divorced mom herself, has a whole video course on how to divorce a narcissist, which I review in How to Negotiate With a Narcissist. Her tips include:
Have a plan ready to execute before you tell your husband or wife you want a divorce:
Prepare a new place to live
Have your own cash money saved
Hire a divorce attorney
Decide what parenting plan you want
Take your time to learn how to negotiate with a narcissist and win — to save yourself countless dollars, untold sums of stress and the potential to lose everything.
Tell them in person that you are divorcing them as you walk out the door, or pack up in the middle of the night or while they are out of town, and have them served with divorce papers the next day. Do not give them a chance to manipulate you.
If your husband is an alcoholic or addict and is either actively using, or is in recovery but you worry will relapse, first, accept that it is not your job to save him. You are not responsible for his wellbeing, and in fact, were likely a co-dependent enabler. No more!
Take steps to protect you and your kids financially, physically and emotionally. It is OK and even healthy to be hopeful that you will one day have an amicable co-parenting relationship if and when he is sober, but until then you must work with your attorney to secure the wellbeing of you and the kids.
Divorcing your bipolar husband
Similar to addicts, living with and divorcing a bipolar spouse is very stressful, unpredictable and possibly dangerous for you, your kids, and your spouse. You are not responsible for their behavior and can only protect yourself and your kids.
Divorcing a husband who won’t work
If your husband refuses to work, you may find yourself paying child support or alimony — at least for a short time. Judges are increasingly intolerant of divorced people who try to live off of payments from their exes, and yours may be ordered to work. Because our culture is a sexist one, there is less tolerance for men who do not work and live off of women’s income.
What are the advantages if I should ended up getting a divorce?
Divorce of course gives unhappily married people the opportunity to leave a miserable marriage. Divorce also allows people in abusive relationships to leave.
Many people are much happier after divorce.
Benefits include:
More control over your home and life. If your spouse’s bad money habits were a source of contention, now you can have control of how much you spend and save. If they were a slob or neat-freak, now you can control how messy or clean your home is.
What are the disadvantages if I should ended up getting a divorce?
Both parties are almost always poorer after divorce. It takes more money to support two homes than one, after all.
While the effects of divorce on children is misunderstood, it is hard on children when their parents live in two separate homes — especially when the parenting schedule is lop-sided.
Stress on extended family and friends. People who know and love both of you may feel torn to choose one side, or otherwise suffer a stressed relationship with one or both partners.
Regardless of your path, make sure you get the support you need and deserve. You may find that with your current family and friends, a new tribe of strong single women friends, or a trusted therapist.
I wrote this a few years ago, and revisit each holiday season for both myself and readers. I admit that the holidays are hard for me personally — so much pressure to make them memorable, spend more than I’m inclined to, and be cheerful when I often feel lonely and overwhelmed.
Fast-forward to 2025 and I am giving advice on co-parenting during the holidays on ABC:
November, 2016: This is one of the years my kids are with their dad for Christmas, something I advocated for as part of my effort to create a more equal parenting relationship with my children’s dad. I am mostly OK with it, thanks to the fact I am not very sentimental, but did fret about what I would do on Christmas Eve. I made a couple calls, and was warmly invited to an old friend’s dinner party in a pretty part of Brooklyn in her beautiful brownstone apartment. She is an excellent cook, hilarious with a filthy mouth, and her friends are fabulous. I had an amazing time!
Here’s my rulebook for muscling through the tough parts and making the most of this time of year. What would you add? What is the hardest part of the holidays for you? The best?
I will not try to recreate holidays of years past. Those are from another time in my life, and I will celebrate this holiday, this year, in a way that makes sense for this moment as a single woman.
I will create at least one new holiday tradition for my family that is allll ours.
I will not resent that I either actually am or feel like the only single parent at the school holiday events.
I will not spear or fantasize about spearing with a sharpened candy cane the stay-at-home Pinterest mommies in the neighborhood.
I will shop within my budget.
I will not over-spend on my kids out of guilt because their family does not look like said mommies’ Pinterest boards.
I will not argue with the ex this holiday. I will remind myself that my children will not remember that they did not wake up on actual Christmas morning at mommy or daddy’s house, but they will remember that mommy and daddy screamed at each other on the snowy front porch on Christmas morning.
I will give others the benefit of the doubt. The Fox News republican cousin, the manipulative ex, the passive-aggressive mother — if some iteration of these characters are in your life, you will remember that poor behavior stems from human suffering, and thou shall be gracious, kind and patient.
If I am apart from my kids on the holiday, I will not be depressed. I will grieve what I previously hoped the holidays would be, what my family would look like, and I will accept that it is different now. I will visit a friend, go to a movie, soak in the bath, call a male escort, spend time with people in a nursing home, work on my dream career, or attend two yoga classes back-to-back. Love Actually, come to Mama.
I will remember that the holidays are at least a little crappy for most people.
I will give thanks, and give back. Especially if I am feeling poor — financially, emotionally, socially or spiritually — thou shall find a way to give time, money or energy to others who need it. Because we all need it at some time or another.
I will prioritize experiences over things — for myself and my children.
I will recognize community. Whether attending a religious service, an office, neighborhood, friend or family party, giving a shout-out in a Facebook group like our Millionaire Single Moms, delivering holiday cards to service people (crossing guard, barber, grocery store clerk, mail carrier) who are part of the fabric of my life, I will recognize how vast and rich my circle. 7 friends every single mom needs — and how to find them
I will ensure my kids give me a gift. It’s not all about them.
I will not use the holiday or my current situation as an excuse to eat and drink like a sow.
I will enjoy good food and good, good drink.
I will remember: It really is just another day.
For single moms and divorced families, the holidays can come with some unique challenges: visitation schedules must be negotiated, you may find yourself focused on how the season falls short of your dreams and expectations. Lots of times the financial crunch of these months is especially tough.
But all is not lost. Keep reading for practical solutions to annoying single-mom holiday problems …
8 things single moms can do to not just get through Christmas— but to make it awesome.
1. Know that you’re not alone
The holidays are a tough time of year for a lot of people, especially parents, and especially single moms. The American Psychological Association reports that nearly 70% of parents experience significant stress1 during the holiday season, and studies have shown that single mothers experience higher levels of stress2 compared to those in two-parent households. This stress, obviously!, can intensify during the holidays.
2. Plan ahead for Christmas gifts
Moms frequently get very stressed because they feel they can’t afford Christmas presents, they are facing the fact that — perhaps for the first time — they are a single mom at Christmas with no help.
If you’re like me and avoid stressful tasks, I forgive you. Now, I call on you to make plans to afford Christmas on a tight budget. Briefly:
Kids under age 4 don’t notice if they don’t get gifts
Tell the adults in your life you are opting out of gift-giving for reasons of budget and that you care about the planet
Set expectations early with kids who you will gift
Start saving early.
Set up a budget. If you have a budget, don’t blow it on the holidays. Remember: the greatest gift you can give your kids is stability, and that requires financial stability.
3. Buy your ex a gift
If your kids are little you will sign it from them. Or maybe it will be directly from you. It will be heartfelt — nothing passive aggressive like, say, socks if his holey footwear was a point of marital contention. Just a sincere present, expecting nothing in return, and putting behind you any child support he owes, or apologies not granted or the share of his IRA you’re entitled to.
Remember: years from now the kids won’t remember whether they missed your cousin’s annual sing-along. But they will remember you screaming at their dad on Christmas.
Standard child custody holiday schedule examples include:
Alternate holidays every-other year. For example, mom gets kids on Christmas even years, and Thanksgiving odd years. Dad gets kids on Christmas odd years, and Thanksgiving even years.
Split up holidays each year. So, perhaps mom gets kids Christmas Eve and dad gets Christmas day, swap the following year.
Divvy up holidays according to each parent’s preferences. For example, maybe one parent celebrities Eid and the other Chanukah, so the schedule can reflect those traditions.
Create a standard holiday visitation schedule that works for your family, get it in writing, play fair and do your best to enjoy the damn holidays!
5. Start a new Christmas or other holiday tradition
If you are a single mom, your holiday celebration likely does not exactly match what you had in mind when you were a kid dreaming of life as an adult. You’re working with Plan B. While you might find meaning in introducing your children to your own childhood family traditions, or those that their dad helped initiate — introduce a ritual that will be yours alone.
At my house we I launched some new traditions: a chili-and-tree-trimming party in December, and monkey bread on Christmas morning. Give gag gifts (fake poop, squirting lapel flowers) on New Year’s Eve, or new pajamas for everyone on the night before Christmas. How about a Pictionary death match? This is your new life. You need new habits and celebrations.
6. Make the holidays simple
Maybe you have fond memories of elaborate childhood Christmases you aim to replicate. Or maybe holidays were especially stressful growing up — and you vowed to do better by your kids. In any case, keep it real. Just because William Sonoma catalogs and your annoying cousin with her perfectly holiday-coiffed center-hall Colonial suggest that you should be cooking and decorating and shopping like a freak doesn’t mean you actually have to.
So keep it within your budget. Do what is meaningful and fun, and hire a cleaning person and snow removal person and babysitter. Order in the Christmas dinner, or bring store-bought cookies to the party. Just because you’re not married doesn’t mean you have to kill yourself.
7. Make a plan for when the kids are with their dad
You may find yourself lonely or depressed if you have nowhere to go on one of the special days, when you’d prefer to be with your children. Instead, make plans. This might include:
Go for sushi on Christmas day with your Jewish friends
Volunteer at a nursing home, hospital or shelter.
Book an Airbnb for a few nights.
Go on a date. I went on a very nice Christmas Eve first date a few years ago. It was fun, non-traditional, and reminded me that plenty of other nice people don’t have plans on the holiday!
Cliche but useful: The end of the year is a fantastic time to look back at what you have accomplished this year. Sure, assess your bank account, and review your professional resume.
Also, look at your family. The kid’s grades and trophies are important. But examine the other stuff. Acknowledge the stresses you managed. The tricky situations you maneuvered without committing homicide. The new friends you made, relationships mended or strengthened. Recognize the fact that you are all thriving despite all odds.
Ask yourself: Do my kids feel loved? If you can answer yes, you did good, woman. You did good.
How to get the support you need as a single mom this Christmas
“It’s important to not be afraid to reach out for support,” says Emily Zeller, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Pennsylvania. “So many mothers, especially single mothers, feel like they need to do it all on their own — unsurprisingly, considering that they literally have had to do a lot of things on their own. But there is support out there if you reach out, and you deserve support, especially around the holidays. There is no shame in that.”
“Taking the first step to connect and reach out for support takes a lot of courage,” acknowledges Zeller. “When you’re feeling overwhelmed and lonely, it can be difficult to figure out where to start. But remember, you are not alone and there are resources out there.”
Emotional support
“This is the time to lean on your people,” says Dr. Lilit Ayrapetyan, Psy.D., a psychotherapist in Pasadena, California. “Friends, family, and fellow moms can be lifesavers. Whether it’s getting help with childcare, having someone bring a dish to a holiday meal, or just venting over coffee, remember you’re not in this alone. Let others step in and give you some breathing room.”
Zeller agrees, saying, “Your loved ones probably want to help but don’t know how. Be specific about what you need, whether it’s babysitting, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to enjoy a cup of coffee with. Parenting can be really isolating—let the people in your life know you need support.”
If you’re struggling emotionally, Dr. Ayrapetyan recommends checking out the nonprofit Single Parent Advocate for practical support and guidance for single parents. Also, she recommends Open Path Collective for affordable therapy services.
Community & practical support
Leaning on friends and family sounds great, but if you’re really feeling alone, it’s not always an option. It truly is easier than you think to find some support right in your community. “During the holidays, community centers often offer free events and meals which can be a great opportunity for single moms to celebrate without financial stress,” advises Kristie Tse, a psychotherapist and founder of Uncover Mental Health Counseling in New York. “Churches or nonprofit organizations might also have programs that single moms can tap into, providing everything from children’s gifts to holiday meals,” says Tse.
Tapping into resources in your local community could mean engaging in church/ or religious activities, looking up local community centers in your area, or finding the closest YMCA/YWCA, says Zeller. “All of these places can connect you with support systems or other parents, and many of them also have events, classes, and activities for both parents and kids.”
Make a call to your town’s community center and ask them to point you in the direction of any holiday resources they know of. It’s worth Googling for local churches and other community organizations near you, or, Zeller recommends, “search for single mom or parent groups on websites like Meetup.com.”
Also, don’t sleep on your local library as a place to find free entertainment and company—it’s also a potential source for even more resources. “Libraries frequently hold festive storytelling events that are both free and enriching for children,” says Tse. “As a psychotherapist, I’ve seen how local support groups not only offer a space to share experiences, but they also often bring along resources or recommendations for accessing holiday help.”
Why I find the Christmas holidays so stressful as a single mom— and what I do about it
Last week marked the second annual Helena and Mommy Day when we played hookey during a weekday to go ice skating. This year we started off our venture in typical style for a 4 1/2 year-old: me holding her up by her armpits, then with Helena scooting along the rail.
I’d glanced away for a moment only to then find she had made her way out to the middle of the thoroughfare, determinedly wobbling and moving along with the other skaters. Without any urging from me, she found the best way to learn to skate was on her own.
I’m not sure I’ve felt the same breed of maternal pride before. There was something in her understated confidence, the practicality of it, and her desire to be free. But a time or two she caught a glimpse of me beaming at her, and she’d reach out to hold my hand again. Those were the times when she’d twist and fall and revel in the cute skate guards who’d miraculously swoop in from nowhere and pop her back onto her little skates.
“No,” I’d tell her when she’d extend a hand. “No, you do much better when you rely on yourself.”
That may be true for amateur skating, but is that what I want to teach her about life?
This holiday was an unusually stressful one. The family traditions that I’ve relied on my whole life have ended, and for the first time I’ve decided not to travel back to see my family in Illinois. I felt this enormous pressure to create — out of thin air, on my own — a set of rituals that would define my little family, and shape my children’s memories and identities. How could I make it all meaningful – without thrusting stress on everyone around me to make it oh-so-meaningful? How can I do that by myself?
As today, Christmas Eve, approached, I met it with a mix of dread and relief. First the good news: my mom decided to join us in New York, where my brother Josh and sister-in-law Susan also live. The holiday cards and party invites started to arrive. Friends agreed to join us for a party at my house on Christmas day.
But the day was still rife with anxiety, as holidays often are. Coordinating holiday schedules with ex-husbands can be difficult, and in our case we have a brain injury to contend with. We argued about a visitation, I worried about him spending his holiday alone. I worried about my mom, who is also struggling with health issues. Unwell loved ones are always a source of worry, but the holidays heighten the fear of what life might be like without them.
I didn’t realize how on-edge I had been until the kids and I returned from a trip to the playground this afternoon. We came home to packages of baked goods neighbors had dropped off. We opened the mail to find a stack of new Christmas cards, just as my brother in Chicago texted to arrange a Skype chat. A friend sent a note saying gifts were on the way, and my iPhone chimed with messages and voicemails of greetings.
We were still standing at the dining table, wearing our coats and hats, marveling at the generosity. “People care for us,” Helena said in that perfect way she has.
I spun around to face the wall, clapped my hands over my face so the kids couldn’t see, and let out a single, silent sob. It let out just enough grief and stress, and made room instead for all that love and care around us.
And then we went on with our day — our new holiday. Josh and I made a new version of oyster stew to honor our late Grandpa Ernie who loved the stuff and died last year. And Helena, a puzzle savant just like her Great-Grandma Shirley, received two 300-piecers. Even more neighbors dropped by with gifts and treats. Tonight, when Helena and Lucas are in bed, my mom will sneak into the living room and fill up their stockings with little goodies she’s lovingly collected, just as she did for me and my brothers well into our adulthoods.
When the kids were in the bath and I was cleaning the kitchen, I took the liberty to switch the “White Christmas” channel on Pandora to Babel Gilberto, who always makes me think of my ex-husband. I thought about all the friends and acquaintances he brought into our lives when we were together, and how families and emotional resources can multiply through marriage. And when he had his accident it was all that love that came up around us when our life fell apart. Everyone said what a strong person I was, and maybe that was true. But if it was, it was only so because I had all of that.
And then the kids ran out naked and we looked at the snow falling outside and they were amazed. And I thought tomorrow morning when they will dig gleefully into their stockings just like I did, and we will sit down to our new Christmas morning breakfast of bagels and lox and then our friends will bring wine and appetizers. That will be our new Christmas tradition, and it will happen because people care about us, just like Helena said.
And somehow that makes me strong enough to be alone. Maybe because each of us never really is.
How to manage being alone at Christmas after divorce
Those first holidays after a breakup, after divorce, or as a single mom can be so tough.
There are feelings like:
I am such a failure. Now I have a broken family, and holidays will never be what they should.
My kids won’t ever know the kind of magical Christmases I had as a child.
I am so disappointed that my kids will miss the big, extended-family traditions because of co-parenting.
I really miss my in-laws, and traditions in their family.
I lost my family.
I hate being alone.
Is it possible to celebrate Christmas alone?
All of these feelings are normal — and common.
In addition to the suggestions for how to party solo during the holidays (including how to find other humans to enjoy!), you may find that you could use some professional help.
Good news is that online therapy is widely available, very affordable, and so convenient. Counseling apps like BetterHelp, which has an A+ Better Business Bureau rating, lets you choose from thousands of certified, licensed therapists, for fees starting at $65/week for unlimited messaging and weekly live sessions. Read about my experience with BetterHelp.
Open letter berating myself about my holiday nonsense
I wrote this single mom holiday letter to myself last year and I am very proud to say that nearly all my shopping is done and the Christmas cards did not require a rush-fee! Also: there are five bottles of wine (and a couple six-packs of decent beer) still awaiting their fate as hostess gifts, and I’m proud to report that I’m feeling more festive and much less stressed than I have in years!
Dear Emma,
Each and every year the holidays are a stressful mess. It’s getting a little embarrassing- I mean, it’s the same shit show each and every year. Would you get your act together for 2014? Please? Pretty please? Let’s recap what you did not learn this year — the fact I’m writing this list now — a full week before Christmas — says something about the severity of the situation. Come on already and get your act together!
Buy 10 bottles of decent wine Nov. 20. You will need them to entertain guests and when attending parties. Stop going to the effing liquor stores a million times. This is an annoying, stupid waste of time.
Likewise — stock up ingredients for your signature holiday dish (bacon-wrapped dates, since you ask. If you live in the NYC tri-state area and know me, I forbid you from making these. This is my jam. Ok?)
The little packet of spare Christmas tree lights? Tape them to the inside flap of the ornament box. This location is now documented in this post. You don’t have to remember it.
The day after Thanksgiving dig into your stash of gifts and wrapping paper. Figure out what you already have. You hate waste and crap laying around the house. So do something about it.
List. Make a freaking list of gifts already. Just make the list, then buy that stuff the first week of December. Be done with it. You hate shopping and malls and crowds. What is it with all this self-punishing, last-minute shopping? You’re ridiculous.
Order the goddamn picture holiday cards well in advance. I mean, really, Emma — how many times do you have to learn this painful, stressful lesson which sets you back an unnecessary $30 for rush shipping?
New Year’s resolution: Cease your endless year-round cursing of the tacky dollar stores populating your neighborhood because without them you would be screwed during the holidays.
Stop stressing over inane crap. You fancy yourself an expert on managing overwhelm, for crying out loud. Why the freak-out over whether the holiday cards fit perfectly inside your client gifts? Who cares?! Lighten up!
Next year, come Nov. 1, pull up this letter. Read it. Follow your own advice. And get it together for once.
Love you!
Emma
P.S. Read the Single Mom Holiday Manifesto every Nov. 1 for the rest of your life.
“Even a joyous holiday season can cause stress for most Americans,” American Psychological Association press release. November 30, 2023. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2023/11/holiday-season-stress
“Stressors and coping strategies among single mothers during the COVID-19 pandemic,” byWakai H, Nawa N, Yamaoka Y, Fujiwara T., PLoS One. March 8,2023. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9994735/
Whether you are in a legal battle with a narcissist, divorcing a narcissist, or have a family member, friend, boss, parent, child or sibling who has strong narcissistic tendencies, it can be maddening to negotiate or otherwise deal with them — even if you love them.
This post will help you understand the narcissistic personality, and how to stay sane, ethical and calm when one is in your life:
If you’re divorcing a narcissist, here is what you really want to know …
Can you negotiate with a narcissist?
It is very difficult, if not impossible, to negotiate with someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. An attorney skilled in negotiation with such a person may be in order.
Top 3 things to keep in mind when divorcing:
1. Aim for is a quick divorce. While this may not be possible if you are divorcing a narcissist, learn more about the divorce laws in your state:
3. Make sure you have the most overlooked item in a divorce settlement agreement: insurance.
What is a narcissist?
“Narcissism” has become the go-to word when describing the personality types that are characterized by selfishness, entitlement, validation-seeking, and lack of empathy. In today’s society, we hear the words ‘Narcissist’ or ‘Narcissism’ tossed around casually to describe the people whom we find obnoxiously pompous and arrogant. Although these descriptions may be accurate, these individuals might actually be living with what clinicians have identified as Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Definition of narcissism
In order for an individual to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder as defined by the DSM-5, he or she must meet the following criterion:
Characteristics of a narcissist
1. One must have a significant impairment in personality functioning:
a) Identity functioning
OR
b) Self-direction functioning
AND
2. One must have a significant impairment in interpersonal functioning:
a) Empathy
OR
b) Intimacy
In addition to the above traits, one must also exhibit:
Antagonizm through either:
a) Grandiosity
OR
b) Attention seeking
Not only must these traits remain stable throughout time but also across various environments.
This person’s behavior mustn’t be understood as normal by his or her surrounding community and/or culture and mustn’t be caused by a medical condition and/or drug use/abuse.
Although most narcissists never actually get diagnosed by a mental health professional with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, one can usually figure out if someone they know is a narcissist if the individual exhibits at least a few of these characteristics — relationship red flags:
Delusions of grandeur
The need for constant praise and admiration
Sense of entitlement leading to arrogance and haughty behaviors/attitudes
Exploits others without feeling shame and/or guilt
Devalues others in a plethora of ways
Lacks empathy
Envies others
Now, you’re probably thinking how awful it must be to be in direct contact with someone that exhibits the above characteristics; however, the worst is yet to come.
There are those too who exhibit displays of both Narcissism and Antisocial Personality Disorder. We call these individuals Narcissistic Sociopaths.
Clinically, one must meet all the DSM-5 criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder in addition to all of the criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder in order to be diagnosed as a Narcissistic Sociopath.
The DSM-5 criteria for Anti-Social Personality is as follows:
An individual must exhibit a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others.
AND
Must show at least 3 of the of the following behaviors/traits:
Repeated failure to follow social norms resulting in grounds for arrest
Engaging in deceitfulness (lying, using aliases, etc)
Impulsivity and not planning ahead; moving around constantly
Irritability and aggressiveness
Reckless disregard/concern for the safety of other people
Chronic irresponsibility reflected by a continued failure to maintain a job, finish school, stay on top of financial commitments
Lack of remorse about hurting others (indifferent/rationalizes)
AND
One must be 18 years or older and have had evidence of conduct disorder by age 15.
Similarly to narcissists, most narcissistic sociopaths never actually get diagnosed with either of the above disorders. So, we have gathered a list of characteristics that compile the Prototypical Narcissistic Sociopath so that you can steer clear of them:
They often have criminal records or have engaged in criminal activity yet believe they are exempt from the moral code
They are often climbing the corporate ladder
They are nearly always on the quest for acquiring positions of power
They are often hard to spot because they are often:
Polished, Well-dressed, Charming, & Successful
Taking part in philanthropy/charity (solely for the validation it gives them)
They can be physically and/or emotionally aggressive/abusive
They nearly always exhibit validation seeking behaviors
They rarely apologize and even more rarely feel guilty or remorseful
They believe they are invincible and behave accordingly
They are always self-serving
They try to control everything and everyone around them
What percentage of the population is narcissistic?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is present in 0.5% of the U.S. population and in 2-16% of those who seek help from a mental health professional. NPD is found in 6% of the forensic population, in 20% of the military population (the actual disorder as well as narcissistic traits), and in 17% of first-year medical students.
Married to a narcissist husband or wife?
A large aspect of the conversation about narcissism is in response to the consequences caused by involving oneself in a romantic relationship or marriage to a narcissist. Although most narcissists exhibit similar qualities, there are some gender differences when it comes to Narcissism in relationships.
Excessive care for one’s physical appearance is found in nearly all narcissists; however, narcissistic women usually use their appearance to gain superiority and often adjust their physicality through plastic surgery to do this. Although, to an extent, this is true for men as well, males usually use their appearance as a way to manipulate a situation to gain a specific desired outcome. Both men and women will use their appearance to threaten infidelity in relationships.
Narcissistic men vs. narcissistic women
While both men and women use seduction tactics as a means of obtaining control and narcissistic supply, narcissistic men typically use charm to seduce a potential partner while women use their bodies and sexualites to do so. Women often use sex and withholding sex in relationships as a way to devalue their partners while men are seen engaging in sexually abusive behaviors (as listed above) more often.
Another difference you might find between narcissistic men and women in relationships is when dealing with money. While narcissistic men are often found striving to gain and keep an endless amount of money and power, narcissistic women will be found enjoying excessive spending. In relationships, narcissistic men are more often found controlling their partner’s access to money while narcissistic women might be found financially abusing their partner through maxing out credit cards, depleting funds, etc.
You will usually find narcissistic men exhibiting more aggressive behaviors in relationships while women are found using more covert devaluing tactics. Of course, there are exceptions.
What are the effects of being married to a narcissist?
Healthline outlines 12 signs of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, which include:
Feeling isolated
Feeling helpless and freezing
Trouble making decisions
Feeling like you always are doing the wrong thing
Feelings of anxiety, depression and being unsettled
“It is actually highly unlikely that your narcissistic partner is even capable of real love, let alone feels it towards you past the beginning of your relationship. People with narcissistic personality disorder are not equipped to experience and show love in the sense that most of us mean it. The narcissists that I know lack the capacity to deeply appreciate the authentic self of another human being.
They do not really care about their mate’s happiness or welfare except as it affects their own. And, they are rarely willing to sacrifice anything in order to make their mate happy. The only happiness that they are really concerned about is their own.”
Are you getting ready to divorce a narcissist? Divorcing is difficult regardless of whether there is the presence of a personality disorder, but when you are divorcing a narcissist or any high-conflict personality, you are in for an all-out war. When you’re divorcing a narcissist, you are either for them or against, so once the divorce starts, you are the enemy.
The narcissist will have a plan — and it’s not what your plan is. Your plan will be a reasonable outcome that takes as little time as possible, where you’ve spent as little on attorneys as possible. The divorcing husband or wife’s plan is to smear you, make you squirm, use the court system as a sword, and take you down.
Can you divorce a narcissist?
Yes, people divorce narcissists every day. In fact, with the right support and tools, it is possible to divorce a narcissist without losing your money, kids or mind. You will wish you had these tools when you were married to the narcissist!
Divorcing a narcissist is almost always more complicated, expensive and painful than a typical uncontested divorce, in which you can easily settle outside of court, with minimal cost and time. Similar for collaborative or mediated divorce options.
Especially if the other party initiated the divorce, a narcissistic husband or wife will feel out-of-control, powerless — and enraged. This is when someone with narcissistic tendencies will really start manipulating, trying to control and otherwise destroy the other party.
Here is how to successfully divorce a narcissist, according to divorce attorney Rebecca Zung:
Have a plan ready to execute before you tell your husband or wife you want a divorce:
Prepare a new place to live
Have your own cash money saved
Hire a divorce attorney
Decide what parenting plan you want
Take your time to learn how to negotiate with a narcissist and win — to save yourself countless dollars, untold sums of stress and the potential to lose everything.
Tell them in person that you are divorcing them as you walk out the door, or pack up in the middle of the night or while they are out of town, and have them served with divorce papers the next day. Do not give them a chance to manipulate you.
S stands for developing a super strong STRATEGY. This means having a clear plan that you will stick to with the support of your attorney, therapist and loved ones. (Connect with a certified mental health professional through BetterHelp.com. Read our review.) With a strategy, you are less tempted to fall into the controlling behavior of your ex.
L stands for the invincible LEVERAGE you will need to create which will ultimately motivate and incentivize the narcissist to want to resolve the case.
A stands for how you will ANTICIPATE what the narcissist is going to do and be two steps ahead of them. Narcissists are a dime a dozen, and by reading books, taking this course, speaking with experts and those who have gone through divorce with a narcissist, you will know exactly what to anticipate, and devise and stick to your strategy.
Y stands for focussing on YOU and your case. The narcissist will try to make the divorce about THEM — their feelings, their financial situation, their relationship with the kids, their career.
Agreeing to equal parenting time and no child support can quickly diffuse much of the debate.
Narcissistic family
A larger part of the global conversation happening surrounding narcissism, is how they act in romantic relationships; however, narcissistic family members can do just as much damage as romantic partners- especially since they are often harder to escape from!
Narcissistic parents
The below characteristics are often exhibit by narcissistic parents:
Parents use children to live vicariously through: parents might use children to make own hopes dreams come true
Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes. If a parent can be a Narcissist, then surely a child can as well. Due to the close proximity, siblings often find themselves being the target of their narcissistic brother or sister. The behavior in this dynamic looks no different than in other relationships, as Narcissists exhibit similar behaviors across their different environments.
Siblings of narcissists often find themselves being subjected to emotional, verbal, physical, and sometimes even sexul abuse. Due to the Narcissist’s need for validation and admiration, parents are often manipulated by the narcissist so that their abusive behavior is never caught on to – leaving the sibling victim even further isolated and devalued.
Due to the complexity of family dynamics to begin with, having a Narcissist as a family member can often create a deeper sense of trauma to the individual that is being exploited by the Narcissist.
Signs of narcissism: How to tell if someone is narcissistic
In addition to meeting some or all of the above characteristics that make up Narcissists and/or Narcissistic Sociopaths, common narcissistic behaviors are as follows:
Conversation hogs, talking about all of their achievements, etc.
They don’t have any/many long term friends
They think they are right about everything
They panic if you try to leave/break up with them
They lash out if you do leave/break up with them
If someone you know exhibits some or all of these behaviors, you are more likely than not dealing with a narcissist.
Narcissism personality test/quiz
Outside of the DSM-5, there are other diagnostic tests one can take in order to see where on the spectrum one might fall in regards to narcissism. Some of these tests might be given by a mental health professional in order to properly diagnose while others are less clinical and more readily accessible to the public.
In addition to spotting the behaviors and characteristics of a Narcissist, there are several Narcissistic Personality Tests out there so that you can see where on that spectrum an individual might fall. Here are just some of them:
Narcissistic Spectrum Scale
Narcissistic Personality Inventory
Personality Diagnostic Questionnaire-4
International Personality Disorder Examination
Living with a narcissist? Tips for dealing with a narcissist
Living with a narcissist, whether it be a family member, romantic partner, roommate, or if you are married to a narcissist, is incredibly exhausting and painful. Narcissists do not change so the best way to free yourself from the pain associated with dealing with one is to get out. For good. If you are unable to do so at the moment, here are some tips to hopefully help ease your pain when dealing with a narcissist on an intimate, daily basis:
Remain calm and unemotional in front of the narcissist
Communicate with them as little as possible
Feed their ego (even if it’s the last thing you want to do), this will keep them calm and hopefully will keep them from acting out
Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: 8 signs you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse
If you have or are still experiencing any of the below symptoms, there’s a good chance you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse.
Dissociation
Walking on eggshells
Sacrificing own basic needs to satisfy the narcissist’s
Health issues/chronic pain
Feeling like you can’t trust anyone or anything
Depression and isolation
Self-Sabotaging behaviors
You protect the narcissist’s image
If you think you might have Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, it is important that you seek legal and psychological help as soon as possible and get the support you need to leave your relationship. You are not alone.
Narcissistic abuse
Often, the above behaviors evolve into what we call Narcissistic Abuse. Most narcissists actually end up abusing the people in their lives as they continue their never-ending quest for what we call narcissistic supply.
The most common forms of narcissistic abuse are:
Devaluing: Common devaluing tactics listed above
Sexual Abuse (typically found in stages)
Early Stage: Characterized by Narcissist testing his or her partner’s limits and gaining control of partner
Verbal assaults
Jealousy rages
Coercion tactics
Threatening infidelity
Pushy Stage: Where you begin to see how nothing is ever enough for the narcissist
Inciting fear
Selfish appeals
Sexual withdrawal as a form of manipulation
Destroying partner’s principles and boundaries
Violent Stage
Rape
Degrading acts
Sadistic sex
Exit/discard stage
Financial Abuse
Withhold access to funds
Stealing from you and your family/friends
Fraud
Prevent you from acquiring assets
Coerce you into selling/signing over financial assets
Cancelling insurance without your knowledge
Forcing you to give them access to your personal funds
Put all bills/credit in your name
Max out credit cards and ruin your credit rating
Shame you for how you spend your money
The above examples of narcissistic abuse are just a peek into the types of behaviors that one night use when abusing the people in his or her life. Narcissists will find every possible way to use and abuse their victims.
Am I a narcissist?
In addition to assessing the personality traits outlined above, Health.com says you may be a narcissist if you have these qualities:
You like to be the center of attention
You tend to give unsolicited advice
You get frustrated with slow service or otherwise have a sense that you deserve special treatment
You are very ambitious
You are extremely competitive
You can turn on the charm and work a room
You hold grudges and seek revenge
You take advantage of people — your relationships tend to be transactional
You have an addiction — drugs/alcohol, shopping, gambling, sex, social media, video games
.
What is a narcissist?
Narcissism has become the go-to word when describing the personality types that are characterized by selfishness, entitlement, validation-seeking, and lack of empathy. Although these descriptions may be accurate, these individuals might actually be living with what clinicians have identified as Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Am I a narcissist?
In addition to assessing the personality traits outlined above, Health.com says you may be a narcissist if you have these qualities: you like to be the center of attention; you tend to give unsolicited advice; you get frustrated with slow service; among several other qualities.
How does a narcissist feel and act after divorce?
Especially if the other party initiated the divorce, a narcissistic husband or wife will feel out-of-control, powerless and enraged. This is when someone with narcissistic tendencies will really start manipulating, trying to control and otherwise destroy the other party.
Can you divorce a narcissist?
Yes, happens every day. In fact, with the right support and tools, you can divorce a narcissist without losing your money, kids or mind. You will wish you had these tools when you were married to the narcissist!
Can you negotiate with a narcissist?
It is very difficult, if not impossible, to negotiate with someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. An attorney skilled in negotiation with such a person may be in order.
After divorce, you get a year. A free pass for 12 months to be a freaky weirdo. Drink too much after the kids go to bed. Smoke a few cigarettes at break time with your colleagues. Sleep with a bunch of people. Let the house go, let the dishes pile up in the sink.
It’s all part of the emotional recovery process from which you’ll emerge, mind-blowingly successful and stronger than ever.
If you or someone you know is recovering from divorce, here are some tips to move forward:
Follow these steps, and I promise you’ll come out a better version of yourself.
Recovering from divorce: What should I do the first year after divorce?
The first year after divorce is a period of transition and discovering who you are as a single person. This is my advice to help you get through it:
1. Practice introducing yourself as a divorced person
First, practice introducing yourself as a divorced person. Do not submit to the temptation to, when meeting a new person, say, another mom on the playground, to unload a 400-word soliloquy about how-he-cheated-and-is-an-alcoholic-narcissist-and-left-you-with-a-baby.
Instead, should the matter come up at all, just say: “I’m divorced.” The rest really is none of their business. Or, you could say, “I’m not married.” It is true, plain, appropriate and mysterious all at the same time.
Meet new people and friends through the best friend apps that we researched.
2. Learn how to coparent with your ex
You might not reach Gwyneth Paltrow-level co-parenting (vacation with your ex is not for everyone, after all), but you can aim to be civil, fair, positive about him when speaking to the kids (and others — otherwise you start to sound bitter. Not a good look).
Merriam Saunders, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) and certified custody divorce mediator, counsels clients during and after divorce.
She says taking a proactive approach when you’re setting up a parenting can help with co-parenting down the road. This process can also be supported by guidance from Child Custody Lawyers, helping parents create clear arrangements that reduce misunderstandings later on.
“The more you consider upfront and create a shared language around how you want to deal with those situations, the less conflict is likely to happen later,” Saunders says.
For parents dealing with custody disputes or changes to existing parenting arrangements, legal guidance can help clarify their rights and responsibilities. Those living in Michigan may consider consulting a child custody lawyer in Macomb County to better understand their options.
After divorce, Saunder advises the following tips to successfully co-parent:
Think of your kids’ needs first — Children need access to both parents. It allows them to grow into well-adjusted, fully-functioning adults. Never withhold your child from their other parent (as long as there isn’t a legitimate concern for their safety or wellbeing) or use your child as a pawn to get back at your ex.
Shield them from parental conflict — Be careful how you talk about the other parent in front of your children and avoid fighting in their presence.
Have an open mind about your relationship — You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship with your ex anymore, but recognize the value in being in a partnership. Think of them as a business partner with a common goal of taking care of your children.
Keep your emotions in check — Work on letting go of what went wrong and focus on how to communicate respectfully. If you can’t talk in a civil way, use text messages and email. Ask a trusted friend to look over a message before you send it to make sure the tone is business like and straightforward.
Be sensitive to transitions — Especially with younger children, going back and forth between homes can be stressful. Give your child a chance to adjust as they process emotions just like you.
As you navigate co-parenting, you may not always agree, but it’s important not to get caught up in who is right or wrong.
“You can be right or you can be a good co-parent, “ Saunders says. “You can’t have both. And being right isn’t going to help your child.”
A co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard can help, with features like:
Shared calendar
Closed messaging
Financial record keeping
Information vault to keep track of contacts and medical and school information
Many women have an intense reaction to living alone for the first time after divorce. On one hand, it can feel amazing to have your very own space, no one’ mess to clean up, decorate as you like, and otherwise be at peace in your own home.
On the other hand, it can feel lonely and even scary to be home alone without another adult there. All these feelings are normal and healthy!
This may be an opportunity to invest in a home security system, create a closer community with your neighbors, or otherwise start socializing and entertaining in your home.
4. Consider post-divorce therapy
If you’re struggling with your emotions after divorce, there’s no shame in getting professional help.
Saunders says therapy itself is like an accountability partner, especially in the beginning of the post-divorce lifestyle.
“It sets you both on track and makes sure you’re parenting with intentionality,” she says. “It also relieves you of the burden of holding the other person accountable — you don’t have to parent their parenting. Somebody else can keep them in check.”
If you are considering therapy, but wondering how you will keep the in-person appointments, keep in mind that you don’t even need to see a therapist IRL anymore, thanks to the plethora of self-care apps out there. Online therapy sites connect you with a licensed professional right from home. Find a certified mental health professional through BetterHelp.com. Read our review.
On the flipside, Saunders says, if you’re not struggling, don’t feel pressured to go to therapy.
If you had an amicable breakup, are adjusting to life after divorce well, and successfully co-parenting, it may not be necessary to seek therapy. However, if your emotions are running high and you are constantly facing conflict with your ex, post-divorce therapy can help you sort things out.
5. Join a divorce support group for women
Support groups for divorce can be powerful. I had an incredible experience with group therapy around the time of my own divorce, and connecting with other women going through a similar situation, as well as those who are both ahead of you, and following you in their divorce journeys, can be informative, healing and humbling.
The benefits of group therapy include feeling normal, getting feedback from your peers, accountability and seeing your own growth — or need for growth — through your peers in the therapy group.
How to get through a divorce: Facing your one-year divorce anniversary
But at month 13? Time to tidy up business. Your Post-Divorce Hot Mess Pass has expired. Hit the reset button with these four tips:
1. Focus on self-care
Drinking a glass of wine at the end of a long day isn’t self-care. A proper self-care routine includes activities you do daily to invest in your mental and physical health. Try these self-care ideas:
Take care of yourself physically. When people talk about self-care, they usually only address the emotional aspect of it, but it’s just as important to care for your body. Exercise, eat healthy foods, stay properly hydrated with an electrolyte drink powder to support energy and recovery, take a warm bath to relax your muscles, treat yourself to a massage (if you can afford it — debt is not self care!), and get 8+ hours of sleep each night.
Put your phone away. Endlessly scrolling through Facebook and Instagram can be detrimental to your mental health. Take regular breaks from your phone and set guidelines on social media use. Try an app that limits screen time, like Space.
Try or continue therapy. Therapy can help you continue to rebuild, achieve a healthy outlook, and help you remain accountable to moving forward.
Science shows yoga and meditation are incredible stress-relievers and mood-boosters. Here’s how to add yoga or meditation to your routine:
Start your day with a morning meditation. Take advantage of the quiet you have before the bustle of the day begins. Even just five minutes of meditation in the A.M. can make a difference in your mood.
Download a meditation app. There are lots of free meditation apps out there. Some of the best include Headspace, Calm, and The Mindfulness App.
Read meditation books. Yep, pick up a good ol’ fashioned paper book to learn the ins and outs of meditation. A break from devices is an added bonus. Meditation Made Easy, Practicing Mindfulness, and Mindfulness Made Simple offer easy-to-understand meditation tips to help you master your practice.
Follow yoga videos. Can’t make it to a studio? No problem. You can still get your Ohm on by taking an online yoga class. Tune into Yoga With Adriene for straightforward yoga classes with none of the woo-woo.
3. Get your financial act together
Financial wellbeing plays a huge role in how well you feel physically and mentally. Follow this advice for getting your finances in order:
Make a financial plan. Use a tool like the ones offered by the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission to get focused on your goals. This site offers info on investing, financial calculators, tips to protect your investments, and more.
Improve your credit. This will allow you to apply for a mortgage, get a business or student loan, and more. Start by applying for a balance transfer credit card. You can also boost your credit score immediately by an average of 13 points by using Experian Boost, a free tool that also gives you a credit score and FICO report (all free!).
Set up a budget. Once you budget your money, slash your spending. See what monthly memberships you can cancel or scale back on to save dough: cable, that fancy gym you belong to, all those random subscriptions to services you don’t use.
Selling the items that remind you of our spouse and former life can help in your healing journey. For example, you might want to sell your wedding jewelry.
That post also gives step-by-step instructions on how to sell a diamond ring.
Top reasons to sell your engagement ring, wedding ring, and other sentimental jewelry include:
You don’t use it, so get rid of it.
Your engagement ring or other jewelry likely has bad memories and energy attached to it, so best to set that free — open your life up to new and better experiences.
The money you earn from selling your jewelry can be invested in positive things, like retirement, buying a home or car, a vacation, or starting that home-based business you’ve been thinking about.
CashforGoldUSA and sister site DiamondsUSA are my recommendation, as they pay within 24 hours, have a BBB rating of A+ and guarantee the highest price.
How long does it take to emotionally recover from a divorce?
Every person recovers on their own timeline, says Dr. Elizabeth Campbell, a licensed psychologist and marriage and family therapist, who owns Life Directions Counseling, LLC in Spokane, Wash.
“The emotional recovery from a divorce varies greatly for each individual and depends on multiple factors such as the length of the marriage, the level of conflict, and the support network available,” says Campbell, who notes it can take anywhere from several months to several years to fully heal.
Campbell suggests patience, self-care, and professional help to navigate the stages of life after divorce, which may include grief, self-reflection, and rebuilding a new identity.
Rebecca Kangwa, a licensed mental health counselor in New York City and owner of Kangwa Psychotherapy, works with people going through divorce and navigating post-divorce recovery. She agrees with Campbell that every situation is different.
“Regardless, two people are experiencing loss,” Kangwa says. “When children are involved, it adds more layers to the situation.”
Children also navigate emotional challenges since a divorce impacts1:
Time spent with each parent
Economic and emotional security
Level of social and psychological maturity
How they view sex
Outlook on faith and religion
Performance in school
Overall health and well-being
Do you ever fully recover from a divorce?
To answer this question, Kangwa suggests defining what recovery looks like to you.
These are some questions she asks her clients to consider:
Does being recovered mean you don’t love your partner anymore?
Does it mean you are no longer crying about the situation?
Does it mean you can emotionally and romantically move on into another relationship?
Are you content with being single?
“By having people define their own growth and recovery, it can take away the pressure of expectations and empower them on their healing journey,” Kangwa says.
Research found that divorcing couples under 50 years old often experience a period of crisis that lasts about two years post-divorce.
For some, this period of mental and emotional strain can last indefinitely — people just learn to live with the feelings2.
Does the pain of divorce ever go away?
“Pain can go away, but it can also come back,” says Kangwa, who suggests couples often navigate the five stages of grief, also known as the Kubler-Ross model:
Denial
Anger
Depression
Bargaining
Acceptance
“You will not always move through grief in this order, and it can reappear at any time in your life,” Kangwa says. “It’s less about moving on and more about moving with the emotions.”
Campbell says that while the pain of divorce may not ever disappear, it can diminish over time and with healing.
“Healing involves processing emotions, developing resilience, and creating a new life,” Campbell says. “With support from a therapist, you can learn effective coping strategies, gain insight into your experience, and find new sources of happiness and fulfillment.”
Bottom line: Recovering from divorce is not linear
The good news: there is life after divorce.
Campbell says that while it is not a linear process, you can expect to experience a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and confusion.
“However, as time goes on, these emotions gradually give way to acceptance, healing, and the possibility of new beginnings,” Campbell says. “By embracing self-care, seeking support, and staying open to new possibilities, you can create a fulfilling and joyful life beyond divorce.”
Recovery after divorce takes time. There will be ups and downs and lots of emotions. Use the tips in this post to cope and move forward.
Looking for like-minded women focused on building their careers and finances? Join the Millionaire Single Moms group on Facebook.
Did you lose it during your divorce? Thoroughly embarrass yourself? Go on … share in the comments!
SOURCES
“The impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce” The Linacre Quarterly, November 2014. National Library of Medicine https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4240051/
“Depressive Symptoms Following Later-life Marital Dissolution and Subsequent Repartnering” Journal of Health and Social Behavior, June 2019. National Library of Medicine https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6565490/
As a single mom, and for so many moms I know, the most stressful part of your day is dinner. And breakfast. And lunch.
Shopping, stocking, prepping, baking, warming, and cleaning (or not …) is weighed down with the pressure to make sure your kids are not getting [at least some marginal sum of] nutritional value and you are more or less enjoying some quality time together.
Quick meal planning tips for single moms:
Focus on batch and freezer cooking
Experiment with meal delivery services
Is grocery shopping your own personal hell? Amazon Fresh is our recommended grocery delivery service. Save $25 on your first order of $100+ plus free delivery
Luckily, there are many meal planning strategies to streamline this process, save money, and make your week a whole helluva lot less stressful when it comes time to sit at the dinner table and being that perfect family of Instagram.
Thinking of meal planning? Keep reading to learn more strategies for streamlining and outsourcing meal planning, as well as a great new resource for selling your unwanted kitchen gear:
I know that batching and meal planning sounds like a giant pain in the ass. It is, and it isn’t. Once you get over the overwhelming idea of taking a little time to strategize, and then make giant heaps of food, you will come to appreciate how much time and money these strategies save you. If you’re skeptical, start with breakfast planning — the dozens of healthy muffins and breakfast sandwiches in my freezer have literally made my mornings so much smoother than I no longer hate my kids. It is that powerful.
In order to meal plan, you have to think of what you eat in terms of recipes, not individual ingredients. So, you’re not going to the grocery store and blindly putting chicken breasts in your cart without knowing how you’re going to use them. Instead, everything you buy has a specific purpose as a part of your meal plan.
One of the best ways to make meal planning easier is to batch your food in large quantities. Batching means that you make giant quantities of food, divvy them up into individual or family-sized portions, and then freeze them for later consumption. Some of the best recipes to batch are things like red beans and rice, homemade spaghetti sauce, and soups and chili. All of these meals are inexpensive and freeze well. For soups and broths in particular, using a quality bone broth base from Best of the Bone can add depth of flavour and a nutritional boost to batched meals with very little extra effort.
Batching flavor boosts can make plain meals feel special with zero extra effort. A countertop infuser can automate herb‑infused butters, oils, and broths while you wrangle homework or bath time—set it and walk away. Make a quart of garlic‑parsley olive oil for sheet‑pan veggies, cinnamon‑vanilla butter for toast and waffles, or veggie stock for quick soups, then freeze in silicone cubes. If you’re curious, check out more about this countertop infuser to see how it blends, heats, and strains in one pitcher, plus cleanup and capacity details, so weeknight cooking stays fast and cheap.
Keep an eye on your weekly fliers, and buy the ingredients for these meals whenever they’re on sale. Always make double or triple batches of these items. It makes dinner planning incredibly easy, and you can always eat leftover soup another night, which is exactly the kind of practical habit registered dietitians at JM Nutrition can help you build into a balanced family meal plan.
If the thought of looking up recipes and deciding what meals to have overwhelms you, not to worry. There are services to help you with this too. For example, a service called The Dinner Daily will help you plan meals around your grocery store’s weekly flyer for a small monthly fee. There is also a meal planning service called $5 Meal Plan, which promises to give you recipes without random, expensive ingredients.
Single mom recipes
Here are some favorite things I’ve cooked recently, and their recipes:
When you’re a single mom, it can be hard to find time to go to the grocery store alone. However, the first tip for making this process seamless is to shop by yourself. So, if your children are school age, make it a point to go every week while they are in class, or with their dad. If your children participate in sports, dance, or gymnastics, try to make a grocery run while they are at practice. You are not obliged to stalk your kids 24/7. Let another adult (coach, teacher, instructor) stalk them once in a while. That is what you pay for!
Kids can be very distracting in a grocery store, and marketers know this. Fact: this is why all the colorful cereal is on a lower shelf. So, beat those horrible food conglomerates at own game and try to take a short, focused shopping trip by yourself. This will save you time and money in the long run. The bonus? No tantrums in the bread aisle.
In addition to going to the store alone, bring a list. n fact, if you can take just a few minutes to jot down what you want to buy, it can save you lots of time in the store because you won’t have to backtrack.
If you shop in the same store all the time, organize your list by aisle. Start with the fresh produce and make your way throughout the store. It might seem like overkill, but time is money! If you don’t have to backtrack to buy an onion you forgot to grab, that’s time you’ve saved. Make a list of each aisle or each section of the grocery store, and write down what you need to buy in each area.
The easiest way to save money while grocery shopping is to sign up for your grocery store’s rewards program. Most grocery stores have this option, and it usually only takes a minute to put your information in and get a rewards card. Sometimes the rewards cards can double as gas savings cards at some grocery stores, so do some research to find out if you can receive double the rewards. This varies by region and store.
In the past, I’ve argued against couponing, because the old-fashioned way of clipping actual stupid paper coupons was way, way more work than it netted in savings. HOWEVER, times have changed and technology is a beautiful thing. Now, you can often load digital coupons onto your card and they will deduct automatically when you check out. There are also printable coupons at Coupons.com. If you’re not interested in taking the extra step of couponing, your card will still give you savings every week as long as you scan it at the register.
Another tip to manage your grocery spending is to bring cash to the grocery store. Science has found that you’ll be much less likely to put cookies in your cart if you know you only have a $100 bill to spend. Carrying cash keeps you beholden to your budget.
Also, don’t forget other common tips, like shopping for in-season produce and stocking up on basic ingredients like flour and sugar when they’re on sale.
Use grocery grocery delivery and curbside services
If you’re reading this and thinking of how much you loathe the grocery store, there are solutions for you. In fact, a grocery delivery service is a great way to save time. There are two ways you can do this: get curbside grocery pickup or use a service to have your groceries delivered directly to your door.
Either way, when you order your groceries online or use curbside pickup, you don’t have to worry about impulse buys or a Snickers bar accidentally falling into your shopping cart. Even though there may be delivery fees or pick-up fees, you will likely find savings because you have to be intentional with every item you put in your digital cart. Plus, the websites highlight discounts in one place, so it is easier to identify deals and stock up.
Meal delivery services for one: reviews
If you decide you want a more comprehensive service to help with your meal planning, consider a meal kit delivery service.
The companies below all ship fresh, individually portioned ingredients to your house with detailed menus and instructions on how to make each recipe. Many of them offer meal kits for one for specialized diets, like paleo, vegetarian, vegan and gluten-free diets. What I like best about meal delivery services is that they are usually pretty healthy, and they force me to cook recipes outside of my normal repertoire, which can get boring, fast. Plus, they tend to be really, really tasty — for both adults and kids. No complaints at my house. Except from the kids. But that is another issue.
Out of all the meal planning tips mentioned here, these services are the most expensive because they check all the boxes: meal planning, ingredient selection, recipes, and delivery to your door.
HOWEVER, time is money! You might be spending a little more here, but ultimately, investing the saved time into other parts of your life. Plus, usually, these companies offer different promotional offers where you can try them for a week for a lower price.
Amazon Fresh
Amazon Fresh is our number one recommended grocery delivery and meal planning service. But in addition to offering grocery delivery, Amazon Fresh also offers meal kits (called Amazon Meal Kits).
Meals are designed to be cooked in about 30 minutes, with most of the prep work (cleaning, chopping, etc.) done in advance. The meal kits come with two servings each, and there are currently 14 recipes available. Prices vary from recipe to recipe, but typically come in between $8 and $10 per serving.
Unlike other meal kit services, with Amazon Meal Kits you are not signing up for a subscription; instead, you simply add a meal kit to your Amazon Fresh order whenever you want one. This makes it great for when you want to try something new, but don’t necessarily want another subscription.
Amazon Meal Kits are available in any market served by Amazon Fresh. The service is free for anyone with an Amazon Prime membership.
HelloFresh provides ingredients straight from farms and has small, sustainable packaging that fits easily in your refrigerator. Prices start at $7.49 per serving, for four servings per meal. A- Better Business Bureau rating. Flexible meal planning to accommodate different tastes and diets — including meal kits for one.
Blue Apron
With Blue Apron, you can choose a 2-person or a family plan, which were perfect for my two kids and me when they were little, and now perfect for my boyfriend and me when my kids are with their dad. Are you cooking for just yourself? The leftovers make for a great lunch or dinner the next day, or can be frozen for later. You’ll be cooking from scratch with ingredients they deliver. All meat they provide has no hormones added.
Home Chef
With Home Chef, you can mix and match your meal preferences, rather than only get a pre-set meal list each week. Have dietary restrictions or just want to avoid certain foods? You can indicate that when signing up. The standard meal plan is designed for meals to be completed within 30 minutes, though the company also offers recipes designed to be cooked in 15 minutes or less. You can choose to receive boxes designed to feed between 2 and 6 people.
Green Chef
Green Chef has very comprehensive menus that fit all diets. Right now they have a paleo menu, a keto menu, a vegan menu, a vegetarian menu, and a “balanced” menu. You can select to receive meal kits for just one person, or for 2, 4, or 6 people.
Sun Basket
Sun Basket uses organic and sustainable ingredients in their food. They currently offer ten different meal plans designed to cater to individuals following different diets, including Paleo, vegetarian, pescatarian, gluten-free, carb-conscious, and diabetes-friendly options, among others. You can choose to receive meals for 2 or 4 people.
Daily Harvest
Daily Harvest provides smoothies, overnight oats, soups, sundaes, and chia parfaits all with exceptional ingredients. Meals are designed to be ready in minutes, and feature organic produce without dairy, gluten, or other fillers. Because meals are frozen, you can order either 9, 14, or 24 items at a time and use them as needed.
Purple Carrot
Purple Carrot only provides plant-based recipes, so it’s just for the vegetarians out there. You can choose to receive 2 or 4 servings of their dinner items, 4 servings for their breakfast items, and 2 servings for their lunch items.
Blix (formerly GreenBlender)
Blix offers meal plans specifically for smoothies. In order to sign up for their meals, you will need to purchase their kwiX smart blender, which also comes as a part of their starter bundle.
Ultimately, finding a way to make fresh, quick meals for a growing family can be a challenge. Luckily, thanks to the wonders of technology, there are many different ways to make meal planning for single moms much easier.
As a single mom, it’s alway great to finding extra sources of income. A new platform called Kitchen Switchen has emerged as the “Poshmark for your kitchen,” offering an easy way to buy and sell your unused or gently used cookware and kitchen items online. This website allows you to list your pots, pans, bakeware, and cutlery for sale, potentially turning your unused kitchen gear into cash.
How it works:
Sign up for free: Kitchen Switchen offers free listings and low commissions.
List your items: Take photos of your kitchen items and create listings on the platform.
Wait for a sale: When an item sells, you’ll receive a prepaid shipping label.
Get paid: Within four business days of delivery, you’ll receive payment via wire transfer, PayPal, or Venmo.
What you can sell:
Kitchen Switchen accepts a wide range of kitchen items, including:
Pots and pans
Bakeware
Cutlery
Dinnerware
Food storage containers
Kitchen tools and gadgets
You can list both new and gently used items. For example, a “slightly used” All-Clad frying pan was recently listed on the platform for $30, compared to its original price of $190.
Tips for successful selling:
Take clear, well-lit photos of your items.
Provide accurate descriptions, including any signs of wear.
Price your items competitively by checking similar listings.
Be responsive to potential buyers’ questions.
The bottom line on meal planning
Whether you plan your meals yourself or outsource the task, you’ll be well on your way to having more control of the meals in your home. Even if some of these options cost a subscription upfront, meal planning will save you money over time because it means less ordering pizza last-minute and more nutritious meals made from ingredients right in your home.
With enough organization and planning, you can absolutely find a way to make dinner time a little bit easier with some of the tips and tricks mentioned above. So, start with making a list and head to your nearest grocery store by yourself to do your shopping. Then, after a few weeks of that, if you find you need more help at dinner time, a grocery delivery service or a meal delivery service could also be a great option for you.
But the time-crunch struggle is real. So if you can afford Amazon Fresh meals all month long, why not give yourself permission to skip all the shopping and prepping? Get $25 off Amazon Fresh now.
You could use those extra hours to hang out with your kids, get ready for a date, take an online class, read a book – or just enjoy that glass of wine.
