Quick take: After a breakup or divorce, your life and finances are different, and you likely need to reconsider moving house. Many moms find that downsizing to a smaller, more affordable home that is also easy to maintain gives them the freedom and confidence they need to move forward with their new life. Plus: a feng-shui home makeover post-divorce or breakup is good for the soul, inviting in new, positive experiences and people.
Breaking up with someone you love: 5 stages of grief following a breakup or divorce
Many people are familiar with the five stages of grief from psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 1969 book, On Death and Dying. These apply to heartbreak, too:
- Denial — Belief he will come back, that you have the power to get him back, or that it really isn’t happening.
- Anger — Rage. Blame. Rage.
- Bargaining — Begging. Negotiating with him or God that if he comes back, then you will do X, Y or Z.
- Depression — It hurts and you feel the grief.
- Acceptance — It might still hurt, but you understand and accept the relationship is over, take responsibility for your part, and embrace a new future, and the possibilities that come with it.
Life after divorce for men vs women
A study of nearly 9,000 divorced men and women in Spain found that divorced moms are less likely to remarry that single dads, and single parents who live primarily with their kids are less likely to repartner with childless individuals, so single fathers more frequently form two‐parent stepfamilies than do mothers.
Men suffer from a higher rate of suicide after divorce, and are more prone to alcoholism, weight gain and mental health issues. This may be connected to the fact that men largely lose meaningful access to their children.
Single moms are poorer than single dads, and moms overall. Mothers overall suffer a pay gap of 29%, earning an average of 71 cents for every $1 earned by a dad — or an average of $16,000 less per year, according to the National Women’s Law Center.
According to Pew Research, single moms with a household of three earn just $26,000 per year on average, compared with $40,000 per year for single dads — a 35% difference.
My study of 2,279 single moms found that those with more equality in time-sharing correlates with higher income and more reports of feeling proud of their parenting.
A few survey highlights include:
- Moms with a 50/50 parenting schedule are 54% more likely to earn at least $100,000 annually than moms whose kids are with them most of the time (with “visits” with the dad).
- Moms with a 50/50 parenting schedule are more than three times (325%) more likely to earn $100,000 than single moms with 100% time with their kids.
- Moms with 50/50 parenting schedules are more than twice as likely to earn $65,000+ than those with majority time, and nearly three-times as likely to earn that sum than moms with 100% parenting time.
How do you get over a divorce? Divorce recovery tips
Whether you just got served divorce papers or you’ve been separated for years, happily separated, or still grieving the relationship — it’s time to take steps to cleanse your ex from your life and recover from your divorce!
Look at these changes as a divorce makeover.
Think of it: Now you can turn your bedroom into a cozy, overstuffed refuge rather than the minimalist grotto your now-ex insisted on. You can join (or quit!) a book club, cook the foods that you like, binge-watch your favorite Netflix shows —— all in the comforts of home that you now easily afford, and gleefully decorated yourself. #recovery
How do you get over a divorce?
Post-divorce counseling of course can help — whether this means working with your regular therapist, joining a post-divorce support group, or seeking out services like online therapy — sometimes just an objective, patient ear to listen can change your life.
Support groups for divorce can be powerful. I had an incredible experience with group therapy around the time of my own divorce, and connecting with other women going through a similar situation, as well as those who are both ahead of you, and following you in their divorce journeys, can be informative, healing and humbling.
I run a 100% Millionaire Single Moms support group for women on Facebook, where women share about all the joys, traumas and realities of parenting solo.
Post-divorce dating can be exhilarating — when you’re ready. The joys of connecting as a mature adult with other evolved people, dating and sex without the pressures of marriage or commitment, are some of the great surprises at this time of your life.
Eventually, if you want and when you are ready, you will join the countless other formerly heartbroken women and find love after divorce.
Word of warning: The pain that comes with the first breakup after divorce is a phenomenon that few talk about. Wealthysinglemommy founder Emma Johnson wrote about her first post-divorce breakup — and how she got over it.
It can also help to focus on positive co-parenting with your now-ex. This focuses on this new relationship, and visualize what the future looks like for your whole family. Read my tips in: Rules for co-parenting with even the most toxic ex.
The best way to move on after breakup?
Time. Patience with yourself. Self-reflection. Focus on thriving as a single woman while also being open to fun, dating, partnership, and being a good co-parent.
But to get there, you have to get rid of stuff: furniture, dishes, old photos, and sell that engagement ring already.
Another self-care option: going for a dramatic new look after divorce. Dye your hair! Sell that engagement ring, anniversary ring, diamond necklace, or push-present earrings and use the proceeds to get your nose pierced! Purge the super-basic wardrobe you somehow accumulated in the past decade! (Hint: Moms don’t have to wear mom jeans.)
A divorce makeover won’t happen overnight, unless you’re financially secure enough just to dump everything and start over. Take your time, make thoughtful decisions about what you will get rid of as you can afford them. Give yourself the time and permission to discover – and to meet – your own needs and desires, now.
Downsize after divorce?
But be honest: Is your current house barely — or not — affordable on your income alone? Are you even struggling with child support or alimony? If so, then they’re not affordable at all. Using most of your moola just to keep a roof over your head is shortsighted in the extreme, because personal finance isn’t just about covering the bills. You need an emergency fund. You need to save for retirement. And all women — not just single moms — need to invest and grow their wealth.
If you’ve got enough equity, you might be able to keep the house through a variety of options you may discuss with your attorney or banker. Educate yourself about your options, but remember that the best choice might be to move. You can look for a cheaper place in the same school district – but be prepared to start over in a different neighborhood altogether.
Sure, it’ll be a major disruption. But you know what else is disruptive? Getting evicted! Or even just having a mom who’s constantly freaked out about whether she can afford to pay for that unexpected car repair.
Finally, how much work do you want to do? In a condo or townhome, someone else mows the lawn or shovels the snow. (There’s zero shame in wanting to outsource household tasks.) In an apartment, it’s the landlord that deals with the Revolt of the Appliances. Once again: Moving might be the right choice, even if it isn’t an easy choice.
There is also the emotional equation of living your own home, that you can afford. In her book The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), Emma Johnson writes:
Ohio mom Wendy, together with her teenage daughters, moved out of a four-thousand-square foot spread with five bedrooms and four bathrooms and into a three-bedroom, one-bath rental that was one-third the size. She took very few things from her previous home, which had been largely decorated with gifts and heirlooms from her ex-husband’s parents.
“Starting from nothing was daunting, but it was also completely liberating. I didn’t have to ask anyone else their opinion. My choices were mine, and mine alone. It was a huge adjustment for my kids moving from a fancier home into a quite spare rental house. But it was a very valuable lesson in what actually makes a home: people, feelings, and memories, and not granite countertops and spiffy bathrooms. A year ago, I purchased a home just a few blocks from our rental house. We had grown to love our neighborhood and neighbors. Our new home is still small, and we still have only one bathroom, but the girls now regard this as their home.
“Their dad is now under contract with his latest girlfriend on a six-bedroom, five-bath stately Tudor on a very fancy street about a mile from us. The contrast between my house and that house could not be greater. And though I know we would all like more bathroom space, I have no doubt that this will continue to feel like my kids’ home, however spacious and upscale his new digs are.”
Feng shui after breakup
The Chinese practice of feng shui is designed to create harmony between you and your environment. The premise is that objects hold energy – energy can be positive, and sometimes = energy is super-negative. Feng shui has various fixes, which can include clearing clutter, growing houseplants, rearranging furniture, adding mirrors to specific places in the home, and purging any belongings associated with bad memories (like, say, having been married to a total jerk).
In some cities you can hire a professional to feng shui your living space. Books have been published on the topic, too. But start with this in-depth article on feng shui — whether you are moving into the house of your dreams, or a 1-bedroom apartment (or maybe the home of your dreams is a cozy 1-bedroom apartment!).
What is feng shui?
If you don’t know anything about feng shui, here are the basics:
Feng shui or fengshui, is a Chinese practice that recognizes energy forces attached to objects and places. The goal of feng shui is to harmonize a person with their surrounding environment. This can happen through the design of a home, placement of furniture and other objects in an environment, and arrange and purge possessions based on your own individual relationship to them.
Things hold energy. Your living space is full of energy. Some of it is evident — When you walked into my apartment, you had to navigate a cluster of heavy furniture and a scary swarm of flipflops, sneakers and pumps. That clumsy navigation is energy spent negatively — even if you didn’t realize it. A pile of unpaid bills on your counter stir up stress every time you pass by. Dirty windows are an eyesore that weigh you down.
But things also hold a lot of energy specific to their histories. Even if you don’t believe that the antique teak armoire in my bedroom brings with it the mojo of past owners (I’m not sure I buy that), I find it very easy to sign onto the notion that the sweet memories I attach to the Monte glider in which I rocked and nursed my kids are evoked when I sit in it today.
Laura urged me to get rid of things that represent old relationships and bad memories. “If you want to attract a new romantic relationship, you have get rid of objects that make you think of past loves,” she says. Right on. But in the case of a marriage — one that generated two kids — where do you draw the line?
Want to learn more about how to use feng shui in your life? Check out these online feng shui courses on Udemy.
5 divorce-specific issues in feng shui
1. Everything I own is from my marriage and I can’t afford to replace it all
When I split from my ex, 90 percent of the furniture and about 60 percent of the artwork was from my relationship. Seriously, Laura, I can’t afford to replace everything I own. (Unless we super-charge the ‘wealth’ center of my apartment. Stat.)
2. I like my stuff!
I’ve got a nice pad. I’m rather smitten with the cluster of paintings I arranged next to my bed when my ex moved out. But you don’t have to be an expert in detecting bad chi when it comes to a lovely water color from Santorini, Greece — purchased on the trip where we got engaged. Not to mention my favorite apple–green Le Cruiset dutch oven that he gave me for my 30th birthday and the Czech cut crystal stemware that were a moving-in-together gift from dear friends.
3. Some of the stuff from my marriage is valuable
Apparently, what you see when you walk into a home is critical. At my place, guests were met with a giant vintage German poster pimping tobacco, featuring a sinister man with Arian features, save for his white robe, head scarf and Arab-tan skin. Not only did Emmanuel and I find it funny and quirky, its acquisition had a great back story — and we didn’t mind shelling out some serious cash for it.
Long story short: I’m totally over that poster. But the burden of finding it a new home is a stress.
4. Lots of stuff is attached to good memories
Just because I’m ready to move on from past heartaches doesn’t mean I need to move on from great love. Does it? The folk painting bought on a favela tour in Rio on our honeymoon? What about the water buffalo carving from a riverboat trip in Laos? If I ditch everything I own as it relates to my ex, doesn’t this denigrate that relationship? Suggest that the whole thing was a failure? I don’t believe that. He’s just not my husband any more.
5. These are not just my memories — they are my kids’ history
All these objects I’ve been instructed to remove are touchstones for stories. Stories I am reminded of, or asked for by Helena and Lucas. They deserve to hear about where their parents met, or married, or funny travel adventures that led, ultimately, to their existences. Should I cleanse the house entirely of their dad, don’t I also erase their past?
Home makeover after divorce
While the urge to purge is understandable, pause and see if you can make cash from any post-divorce rejects methodically. Sell rather than give away furniture and other valuable items (including your wedding and/or engagement ring). The money from this continued cleansing will help pay for your post-breakup furniture and décor.
Move-out cleaning: How to get rid of stuff?
Junk removal services near you might be an answer. If your local charity won’t or can’t take your old household items and clothes, check out 1-800-Got-Junk‘s prices, and College Hunks Hauling Junk prices.
Sell your engagement ring gold jewelry, diamond rings, and wedding rings after a breakup or divorce
For gold, gemstone, diamonds, watches and branded jewelry like Tiffany, Bulgari, Cartier and David Yurman, online jewelry auction site Worthy.com is our recommendation. Learn more about Worthy in our review, including its an A+ BBB rating, mentions in the New York Times, Business insider, Bravo and others.
For gold jewelry and coins and diamond jewelry, CashforGoldUSA is a quality choice to sell your jewelry online, quickly, for the highest price. Be sure to first learn more about what your gold is worth, and how to sell it safely with CashforGoldUSA’s online gold calculator. CashforGoldUSA has an A+ Better Business Bureau rating, and pays within 24 hours.
If you’ve got the funds, engage a designer to help. Designers can see things you can’t — like your home’s potential.
Note: If you can’t pay cash as you go, throttle back a bit. Don’t go into debt for a makeover. Besides, easing into any changes is probably the smartest way to go. Do it slowly and intentionally and you’ll wind up with a look you truly love.
The first apartment after divorce
Maybe you decided to make a clean break from the marital house, condo or apartment. (Or maybe you couldn’t afford to keep it.) Jumping straight into a new home purchase isn’t always the best move.
You might still be raw from grief if the breakup was sprung on you, or wiped out by the divorce process even if you initiated it. Helping your kids cope with the new normal can be pretty migraine-inducing, too. So instead of rushing into homeownership, consider renting for a year to get your finances – and maybe your head – in order.
Women report renting out thier house for Airbnb income, while renting a smaller apartment, sharing a home with another single mom, or moving in with her parents to save money.
Best-case scenario: You find an affordable rental in the neighborhood and the kids don’t have to switch schools.
Or maybe the scenario isn’t best-case. Maybe it’s crap-case: There wasn’t much money to begin with so now you and your ex are both poorer, or there once was money before your ex made good on his threat to drag things out as long as possible.
And maybe, just maybe, your folks have been begging you to come home. On the face of it, moving back into your childhood bedroom is no one’s idea of successful adulting. Yet it could actually be a shrewd choice for the short term. (Assuming, of course, that you and your parents generally got along before you left home.)
Regardless, you may likely need to learn how to live alone — with or without children — maybe even for the first time of your life.
This can be challenging, lonely, heartbreaking. Living alone can also be freeing, healing and life-changing in important ways. In fact, living alone is one of the important things on our list of things every woman should do in her life.
Moving home after divorce
Before you say “OMG yes, thanks!” to the offer, make a game plan. First, figure out how much cash you’ll need to tidy up your finances and move back out. Next, do the math: Based on your current salary plus careful budgeting and maybe a side hustle, how long will it take to get those dollars?
Set some guidelines: You won’t be a pain in the ass and they won’t infantilize you. Is this a free flop or are you required to pay rent? How many chores will you be expected to do? Which nights will you cook?
Set some boundaries, too. Chief among them:
- Mom, not Grandma and Grandpa, will be in charge of raising the children.
- Mom is also in charge of her own life, and will not accept being chided for wearing bright-red lipstick or staying out late.
Talk these things over with your parents. Heck, print out your game plan and have them sign it. Should friction develop later on you’ll be able to say, “Hey, we agreed that…”
Remember: Your being there could be as good for them as it is for you. They get loads of grandbaby time, and you could take on some of the heavier chores – yard work, deep cleaning – that aren’t as easy for your folks as they used to be. (Or, again, you could outsource those chores.)
In return? You get a cheap (or free) place to stay as you power closer to your financial goals.
Still, it can be frustrating to be back where you started. So while you’re home, practice self-care with an eye toward improved health and beauty, rather than eating alllll the ice cream and bingeing on British TV mysteries. A new look after divorce might be just the thing you need to convince yourself that life does, in fact, go on.
Tips on how to move on after a breakup or divorce
Of course, all this relocation, redecorating, budgeting and purging is about cleansing your mind, heart and soul from the pain of your divorce or breakup.
Divorce can do a number on your mind, body and soul. Take charge.
If your insurance includes coverage for therapy, get yourself a counselor. It is so freeing to talk with someone with absolutely zero stake in your personal life. Relatives and friends can be judgy about your breakup; a counselor just wants to help you move past it.
(And if your insurance coverage doesn’t include therapy? Look for affordable – and maybe even free – help through online counseling services.)
Next, talk to your primary care physician. Explain what’s been going on in your life and get a full physical. It could turn out that your exhaustion is due to an underactive thyroid rather than breakup-related stress. Talk with the doc about any issues that concern you – weight, cholesterol, disease risk – and ask for help mapping out a healthy lifestyle.
Weight loss after breakup isn’t always an issue, of course. Some people are just naturally slim. Others have already lost weight due to the “relationship breakup diet” of stress and worry. But if you do decide to drop those extra pounds, the divorce weight loss transformation could do wonders for your self-confidence – and for your overall health, since you’ll be doing it through better eating and regular exercise.
Bonus: When you’re ready to date again, you’ll feel totally up to the challenge. The comedian Elayne Boosler once referred to post-breakup food and exercise as the “new people are going to see me naked diet.” She’s not wrong.
Nothing wrong with cultivating a “revenge body.” Let’s be honest: Doesn’t part of you really want your ex to hear about (or see) how great you’re doing – and how great you look?
Downsizing after divorce includes getting rid of unwanted possessions, downsizing or otherwise changing homes, losing weight or an unhealthy mindset (“What kind of awful mother am I to be putting my kids through all this?”). Take what’s worth keeping from your old life and use it to create a meaningful new life of your own design.