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In a perfect world, blending families would be as simple as “The Brady Bunch” made it seem (maybe with a few less bell bottoms and backyard sack races). 

The reality? Blending families can be critically difficult, no matter how well everyone gets along before the wedding. In fact, the presence of children from existing relationships is one of the reasons cited for the exceptionally high divorce rates for second and third marriages. 

If you’re entering into a new marriage or relationship with kids — either yours, your partner’s, or both — know that creating a new family unit won’t happen overnight. It will take work, it will be hard, and you’ll probably make some mistakes along the way.

Ron Deal, a licensed marriage and family therapist, has written more than 20 books and resources on blended families and single parenthood. He says it’s not unusual for families to spend the first five to 10 years of a new family arrangement trying to figure out its rules, roles, and general rhythm. 

“Couples in blended families have to lead their family through this unknown, unclear territory so that family members can ultimately define themselves as family with one another,” he says. 

We recently spoke with Deal and other experts to get their blended family advice. Here’s what they had to say:

Advice from an expert on blending families

Advice from Emma Johnson on blending families

9 steps to making a blended family work

1. Clearly define parenting roles and expectations. 
2. Decide who will handle discipline. 
3. Make sure children’s needs are met.
4. Communicate openly and intentionally.
5. Expect that things will be messy. 
6. Lower your expectations. 
7. Be patient. 
8. Work as a team.
9. Don’t lose yourself in the relationship. 

How to fix a broken blended family

1. Call a “time out” to avoid disrespectful communication.  
2. Keep your marital love alive. 
3. Refrain from criticism. 
4. Seek help through family counseling. 

Examples of successful blended families

• Examples of successful blended families with teenagers

Examples of dysfunctional blended families

FAQs about blended families

Blending families: Experts weigh in

Deal, who is also the director of the FamilyLife Blended podcast and president of Smart Stepfamilies, an online resource for stepfamilies and stepfamily ministries, says to successfully create a blended family, couples have to “get smart” to navigate the uncharted territory of stepfamily living — and get comfortable being uncomfortable.

“You will step on each other’s toes a little — not intentionally, of course — but you will,” Deal says. “And each of those relational missteps will give you a chance to further define your expectations of each other, what you need, and the logistics of life.”

He says this “live-and-learn” aspect of blending families cannot be avoided and is ultimately beneficial. 

“I believe it’s a necessary evil that ultimately helps bring definition to ambiguous relationships and over time helps to create rituals and traditions that form family identity,” Deal says. 

Co-parenting tips for blending families, from Emma Johnson

Blending families is a struggle, no matter how wonderful all parties are. But there are some general guidelines for melding step- and blended families after a divorce or single parenthood:

• Parents make the rules and lead, not children.
• Take it slow. No need to rush.
• Children’s feelings and concerns should be listened to, addressed and prioritized. But that does not mean that kids are in charge.
• In a healthy family involving two parents in the household (of course healthy families can consist of any configuration), the romantic couple puts each other first, before kids.
• Keep communication open with your co-parent and his new partner, if possible.

How to make a blended family work in 9 steps 

The reality is, there’s no “one-size-fits-all” approach to making a blended family work. Deal says what is helpful for a stepfamily preceded by death might not be helpful for one preceded by divorce (or two divorces). 

“Grief is universal in blended families, but the substance of things grieved over by children, for example, varies widely based on circumstances,” he says. 

Stepparents have different expectations depending on whether they:

• Have biological children of their own 
• Serve as a part-time or full-time caregiver to their step-children
• Are step-parenting children whose other parent is still living or deceased
• Whether or not the kids’ other parent is involved — and how involved?

However, there are steps you can take in most circumstances to give your family a better chance at blending successfully:

1. Clearly define parenting roles and expectations. 

Kendall Rose (her pen name), author of The Stepmoms’ Club (Sourcebooks) says the most important part of establishing parental expectations is to be on the same page as your partner. 

Depending on your family, that might include conversations about chores, meals, bedtime routines, family time, and discipline (which we’ll talk about more in Step 2).  

“Understanding what’s important to them — the parent who has the child or children — and you yourself coming into the blended family, how do you want to work as a unit?”

She says blended families should tread slowly, as you would in any new relationship, to learn what each person needs. 

“It’s kind of like putting your toe into a cold pool,” Rose says. “You’re not just going to jump in, right? You need to allow the relationship to develop.”

She says the way you approach blending families will also depend on the age of the children.

“If a family has older children, that’s going to be very different than if you’re coming into a blended family when they’re young,” Rose says. 

Valerie Mummert of Phoenix, Ariz., has been married for 30 years with a blended family of seven children, most of whom are now adults. She says parents need to decide in advance the non-negotiables in their families and the areas they are willing to compromise.  

“You may have different personalities and ways of dealing with conflict, but you need to have the same goals,” she says.

Mummert says it’s important to remember that you are now one family, not a compound sentence, so you have to build your new family identity together.

2. Decide who will handle discipline. 

Deciding how to discipline children is a major part of forming a blended family, one that often leads to conflict, Rose says. She recommends families sit down and discuss how involved or uninvolved each parent will be and communicate expectations with the children. 

“If one parent is home and the other isn’t, somebody needs to enforce rules within your household,” Rose says. 

For example, if a child comes home from school and makes a mess in the kitchen, they should know it’s their responsibility to clean it up. The stepparent shouldn’t have to wait until the biological parent returns to make sure they do.

“If you and your partner are not on the same page, it’s not going to work,” Rose says. 

If the kids’ other parents are involved, the ideal situation would be a group discussion about consistent discipline between biological parents and stepparents. But Rose says in most cases, that’s not realistic. 

“If it is contentious and there’s not an opportunity to do that, then you need to create the rules in your own household,” Rose says.

Mother of three Christy posted on Facebook that she sometimes feels torn between being loyal to her son and supporting her husband. Her son recently messed up their yard with his truck, and his lack of initiative in fixing the damage has caused friction in the family.

“My significant other has higher expectations of responsibility for him than I do,” Christy says. “It is especially hard when I know my significant other is correct and my son should take the initiative to fix our yard.”

She says that until her son matures, she thinks there will continue to be strain between him and her partner.

Tabatha Pittman, a mom of three from Metro Detroit, Michigan, says her family actually benefited from her and her husband’s differing parenting styles.     

“I am more the disciplinarian versus my husband who is more talkative,” Pittman says. “Incorporating my husband helped my son talk through frustrations, and I learned a different approach to help my son learn from his mistakes.”

Advice from a single mom who blended families:

“Communicate with all parties at the same time to go over rules about other spouses’ children, like moms meet moms and fathers meet fathers if this is possible. Usually, there will be a communication error along the line that will turn ugly. The kids need to listen because they’re kids, but all parents should be on same page.” — Latoya

3. Make sure children’s needs are met. 

Andrea Blindt, a registered nurse and holistic health practitioner from Los Angeles, grew up in a blended family and formed her own blended family with her second husband, her two sons, and their shared twins.

She says that in any family, children have basic needs of feeling safe, loved, and emotionally connected to their caregivers. She believes blending families is an opportunity to create relationships that can last a lifetime if handled correctly. 

“This looks like honoring each child where they are,” Blindt says. 

For example, a toddler might be more receptive to playing and bonding with someone new than a teenager. 

“Set expectations that are realistic to each child and their unique needs,” she says. “Family routines and special activities also increase success for blended families and help children feel secure in knowing what to expect (family meal times, chores, movie nights, parent date nights, church, etc.).”

Consider taking your kids on a solo road trip to ensure they’re getting quality time with their biological parent.

Advice from a single mom who blended families:

“Listen, discuss, and act accordingly when your child feels you spend more time/care about/love their step siblings more. You may feel like you aren’t, and maybe that is true. But it is a real feeling that should not be ignored or negated and rather treated with empathy, love, and increased attention.” — Cheryll

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4. Communicate openly and intentionally.

Deal says couples must be proactive in their family communication to gauge each family member’s level of openness and constantly reevaluate to see if anything has changed. 

He offers this as a positive example to set expectations and boundaries: 

“Imagine a stepdad saying, ‘It’s OK that there’s some things you want to talk to your mom about and not me. I get that. Just know I’m cool with it when you are.’”

Deal says proactively defining the boundaries of your relationships lets everyone know where they stand and what to expect, and gives some clarity in the midst of uncertainty.

Grace Baena, mom and director of brands at furniture resale site Kaiyo, says parents shouldn’t underestimate their children’s ability to be a part of the blended family conversation. 

“Many people think it will be way too hard for children to accept a new family, so they keep things from them in order to protect them,” Baena says. 

She suggests communicating with children about family goals and expectations to make the transition into a blended family a more smooth and positive experience.

5. Expect that things will be messy. 

Deal says there’s ultimately no way to avoid the pain of the past when you’re forming a blended family, so it’s best to embrace and learn from it.

A sense of family identity — what Deal calls “familyness” — does not happen right at the wedding. 

“It comes after surviving the trials, after bringing clarity to family ambiguity,” he says. “Those days are full of confusing questions. But when it finally comes, it’s good.”

Rose says it’s normal and OK for each relationship in the home to be different. 

“You might not blend with all of the kids, and your partner might not blend with all of your kids because each kid has a different personality,” she says. 

Her advice? Let relationships develop at their own pace.

9 toxic parenting signs you should know

6. Lower your expectations. 

Couples attempting to blend their families often do so with unrealistic expectations, Deal says. 

“For example, assuming that because you love your spouse and want your family members to ‘blend,’ that the children want that equally as much,” he says. “They generally do not, at least not at first.”

Advice from a single mom who blended families:

“Our kids are older (19, 20 & 21), but one of the lessons I have learned is to have no expectations because you really cannot prepare for what to expect. I also learned to be kind to myself. I am doing my best! Try to see it from the kids’ perspective and be open to their thoughts and feelings. I have to remember that no one is perfect, and no family is perfect. The goal is to be present, be there whenever we need each other and for each kid to know they will always have a place to call home.” — Christy

7. Be patient. 

Deal equates blending a family with cooking in a crockpot.  

“What’s happening inside the pot is that the ingredients are slowly warming, softening, and then choosing to share themselves with other ingredients,” Deal says. 

8. Work as a team.

At the helm of a blended family are the two people in the relationship. Deal says that becoming a marital team is critical to helping your family through the uncertainty of merging. 

“Work toward supporting one another, listening carefully to your perspectives, and strive to be a well-oiled parental team,” he says. 

9. Don’t lose yourself in the relationship. 

Rose says that too often, stepparents (stepmothers especially), get caught up in trying to create a cohesive blended family and trying to fix issues within the family. 

“You stop seeing your friends; you don’t work out; you don’t get your hair done; you don’t go through your daily walks; you get sucked in,” Rose says. “We call it the stepmom’s vortex, and you lose who you were.”

She cautions stepparents to remember who they were before and when they fell in love with their partner. The blended family aspect was just a byproduct of that relationship.

“Don’t change who you are because you’re now in this blended family,” Rose says. “You can adapt, but still have your friend time, still have your workout time, still go do the things and be the person you were before the blended family.”

How to fix a broken blended family

Nancy Landrum, author of Stepping TwoGether: Building a Strong Stepfamily, says stepfamilies often have more sources of stress than a nuclear or first family, which can lead to more conflicts. These conflicts can threaten a blended family’s foundation.

Because the success of the stepfamily is largely dependent on the success of the marriage, Landrum offers these suggestions to fix a broken blended family: 

1. Call a “time out” to avoid disrespectful communication.  

Disrespectful language is anything that feels attacking to your partner, usually beginning with the word, “You.” Instead, speak from your own point of view, ie., “When ___ happens, I feel ____.” 

2. Keep your marital love alive. 

Take time to regularly have fun couple dates to recall why you fell in love and to keep the love alive during the difficult days of stepfamily adjustments. The rule is that nothing controversial is allowed to come up on a fun date.

3. Refrain from criticism. 

Stop yourself from criticizing your partner’s parenting style or from criticizing your partner’s child. Criticism will only trigger defensiveness. Be in charge of parenting your own child, and allow your partner to be fully in charge of parenting his/her child, unless you agree on a different arrangement.

4. Seek help through family counseling. 

Jessica Latin, a licensed professional counselor with JL Counseling in Shreveport, La., says blended family issues are one of the top reasons families seek counseling.

“Family counseling provides a safe space with an unbiased mediator for families to discuss their thoughts and feelings and find solutions to their problems, as well as improve their communication with each other so that they can live more harmoniously,” Latin says.  

She says family counseling allows everyone in the family the opportunity to be heard, which may be difficult in the home setting.

“The goal of the family therapist is to not take sides but to let everyone see their role in the family and how they can do the best in their role to help the family ‘win’ as a team,” Latin says.  

Check out our review of BetterHelp online therapy. 

Examples of successful blended families

When she met her second husband, Blindt was a single mother of two young children (2 years and 5 months) who had recently separated from her first husband.

“I didn’t have the desire to date or even remarry again at the time, but the universe had other plans,” Blindt says. “He had a beautiful heart and was beautiful with my children.” 

Her new partner had never been married before and didn’t have children of his own but had always wanted to be a father. Blindt thought she was unable to have more children and communicated that early on in the relationship. 

“After contemplating what was right for him, he told me that he felt honored to be able to play the role of stepdad to my two children,” Blindt says. 

Because they were so young at the time, Blindt says her children took to her new partner easily and welcomed him as another father figure in their lives. 

Blindt unexpectedly became pregnant with twins while they were dating, though the pregnancy was high risk and her babies had to spend 106 days in the hospital.  

“During that time, my now husband cared for my two children at home, brought them to visit me daily in the hospital and loved them as though they were his blood children,” Blindt says. 

The pair married shortly after, bought a house together, and navigated raising 3-year-old, 2-year-old, and newborn twins. 

“There have been many gifts in our blended family journey, but also many challenges,” Blindt says. “With each adversity, we grow stronger and more connected to one another.”

She offers this advice for creating a successful blended family: 

1. Ensure all kids feel included, seen, heard, and valued as members of the family. She makes a point to spend individual time with each child. 
2. Remember you are a team, so do your best to be a united front. Kids are smart and often push against their parents. By joining forces as a team, children know their boundaries and are better able to build respectful relationships. 
3. Get along with your partner’s ex whenever possible. This will make your life smoother and help your children establish secure relationships with both families. 
4. Communicate expectations and roles of each family member in age-appropriate ways to reduce the anxiety associated with the unknown. That can mean going over manners, rules, and ways to show respect to one another. 
5. Give children the time and space to hear them out, and affirm their positive behaviors. A big argument can be avoided by simply being still and listening to the child instead of assuming you know what is happening and disciplining them. Having open conversations about feelings, changes and goals is also important to do regularly. 

“Having parents set aside their own feelings in order to do what’s best for the children is critical,” Blindt says. “This doesn’t always happen, and it really shakes a child’s sense of security, self- worth, and confidence.

She urges people to remember that blended families bring more people into a child’s life who are able to share love. 

Pittman says her family made a point to nurture new relationships within the family. She says doing fun things as a group, like going to an amusement park or Chuck E. Cheese, helped the family bond. Pittman also made a point to allow her children to spend quality one-on-one time with her boyfriend (now husband of 10 years).   

“An example for me was going to class in the evening and leaving my then-7-year-old with my boyfriend for short periods or allowing them to go to the barbershop without me,” Pittman says. “These things cultivated bonding time.”

You can find more examples of successful blended families on Reddit: 

Does anyone have a really GREAT blended family?
byu/sleeplessinco instepparents

Comment
byu/Party-Pizza-2071 from discussion
instepparents

Examples of successful blended families with teenagers

Landrum has her own experience forming a successful blended family. But unlike Blindt, her family didn’t immediately become a cohesive unit. 

Landrum and her late husband, Jim, agreed to separately parent the teens they each brought to the marriage but wanted to co-parent his 8-year-old son. She believes this arrangement lowered the teens’ resistance to their new step-parent.

“Any arguments our children had were targeted at their birth parent, not the step-parent,” Landrum says. 

However, when it came to the 8-year-old, they quickly realized their co-parenting arrangement wasn’t working. After talking to a professional who taught them effective anger management and respectful speaking skills, Landrum and her husband decided he would go back to parenting all of his children, which completely changed their family’s trajectory.

“We thought we were terrible failures to have to resort to this strategy, but a few years later, learned that this is the method recommended by step-family experts whenever there is conflict over parenting,” she says.

Landrum says her teen sons eventually developed great relationships with her husband, and she still treasures the friendship she has with his three children.  

“A general rule of thumb that we learned about later was that it often takes roughly twice the age of a child at the time the stepfamily was formed before they are fully integrated and accepting of the new family,” she says. “We found that statistic to be amazingly accurate.”

A definitive list of 7 co-parenting boundaries you need to know

Examples of dysfunctional blended families

There are unfortunately plenty of examples of dysfunctional blended families on Reddit. Here are just a few from the r/blendedfamilies subreddit. 

When to give up
byu/repete inblendedfamilies

Having a parent choose their spouse over you
by inblendedfamilies

Help please. Fixing ganging up on one child when all the kids are mixed.
byu/Inafray19 inblendedfamilies

FAQs about blended families

Why is a blended family so hard?

Blending families is hard because there are so many moving parts, different personalities, and family dynamics to contend with. These are some of the many reasons blended families struggle, according to real stepfamilies: 

• Step-parents are asked to parent kids that are not their own
• Step-parents can feel sidelined when the bio parent and kids have a long history as one unit
• Step-parents can be unsure how to fit in in a co-parenting arrangement 
• Uncertainty about who has the final say in parenting decisions 
• Different parenting styles trying to meld, with children of varying ages who need different things
• Bio parents struggling to shift from focusing on children to focusing on new spouse as primary bond
• Complications with the other co-parent and his/her new partner/kids, like parenting with a narcissist.
• Differing behavioral expectations between households, and the children going back and forth
• Dealing with court orders, custody arrangements, court-ordered communication, and child support 

Deal says the hardest part about forming a blended family is the uncertainty. 

In his most recent book, Preparing to Blend, Deal shares this analogy: 

“When the pandemic hit, no one really knew how the world should respond. All we were told was to pull back and lock down with those we know and trust the most. We then had to figure out how to do life from home and gradually moved through various strategies for managing closeness and distance in society.”

Deal says you will make mistakes and learn from them. 

“You will feel discouraged and perhaps disillusioned about how quickly you’re moving forward,” Deal says. But each step is progress; you must be patient with the progress.”

What is considered a blended family?

The most basic criteria for a blended family is that one or both partners have their own child or children that they’re bringing to a new union. 

Partners in a blended family might be divorced, widowed, single with children, or single without children (entering into a partnership with someone who has them).

Who comes first in a blended family?

While married couples in biological families put one another “first” for a lifetime, they often spend the majority of their childrearing years investing in their children. Deal says the same is true in blended families, except that new partners and children often feel in competition with each other. 

“A stepmom, for example, might wonder if she’s valued by her husband if he spends a Saturday afternoon with his children (just like he did for years before she came into the picture),” Deal says.  

In a biological family, both parents would likely be spending this time together with their children or see the value in their partner’s individual time with the children. Step-parents don’t often share this mutual investment in their partner’s children, so they compete for affection and time. 

“Marriage, by nature, requires an exclusive allegiance to your spouse,” Deal says. “At the same time, children are to be valued, loved, and invested in. Both are important.”

Balancing the time and energy between marital and parental love is the tricky part.

Deal suggests couples clearly articulate their love for each other, privately and in ways that let children know of their loyalty to one another. That includes spending exclusive date time together and honoring one another above all else within the home. 

“At the same time, make sacrifices for the children, cheerlead them through life, and pour into their lives,” Deal says.  

Don’t be a helicopter mom: Overprotective parents can hurt their kids

What is the success rate of blended families?

The divorce rate has been widely publicized at 40-50% for single marriages, 60-67% for second marriages, and 73-74% for third marriages, though there is no legitimate reported data that backs up these statistics. Nor do they specifically address whether those marriages involved children from previous relationships. 

“In the end, I estimate the divorce rate for blended family couples to be 45-50%, but I believe that 80% of smart step couples can not only go the distance, but thrive in their family,” Deal says.

Why do blended families fail?

Deal says some of the most common pitfalls of blended families are: 

• Not helping children cope with loss
• A stepparent who tries to “erase and replace” the biological parent
• Biological parents who are paralyzed by guilt over the past
• Combining holiday and special day traditions and rituals, etc. 

He says smart couples learn about these pitfalls and get smart about how to manage them.

Ever since he was a tiny boy, my son has been a little dude. By this, I mean he takes on typically masculine roles. Even when he was 3 years old, he would make sure his older sister and I stood behind the orange safety line while waiting for the subway train — maneuvering his stout little body like an Australian Shepherd herding dog.

Since that age, while teaching my kids to partner dance in the kitchen to Motown, he somehow knew that he was the one who was supposed to spin me — and never the other way around.

When both he and his sister recoiled in terror when faced with immunizations at the pediatrician’s office, it was Luke who did an about-face, calmed himself, then volunteered to hop onto the exam table where he yanked up his T-shirt sleeve, facing the shot — a clear exertion of bravery on his face.

Despite my efforts to never instruct either of my kids on gender-specific behavior, and certainly never suggest that anyone but me is the boss of the house, seeing my son exert these typical “manly” qualities made me wonder: Is this just how he is? Or am I somehow informing that he is the ‘man of the house??

What does it mean to be the man of the house?

How and why single moms destroy their sons

Tips for single moms raising boys: How can a single mom raise a boy?

Tips for single moms raising teenage sons: Can a single mom raise a good son?

• Male role models for sons

Books for mothers raising sons

What does it mean to be the man of the house?

I know plenty of men who were raised by single moms, and were told by these women and other people in the kid’s orbit that because there wasn’t a dad around, he was the man of the house. 

The message is:

Every house needs a man.

Women need protecting.

Your gender renders you the boss. 

You do not have a boss or childhood.

You are an adult now because there is no man around.

You have responsibilities of a man. 

That is all so messed up. Wrong.

Yes, children benefit from the influence of positive adult women and men in their lives. Both genders is ideal. In a perfect world, all children would have competent, involved mothers and fathers in their lives at least weekly, if not daily.

That is not the case for most families.

Single parents without a co-parent can raise healthy, dynamic members of society, and you are, every single day! Mothers can and do thrive without a man in the house.

But these are the kids who know when they are the kid, and they have adults in their lives on whom they can count. These are children whose adult loved ones cultivate authority in their families and homes, and that makes children feel safe. Clear power lines in a family are what give children the foundation to grow into adult men and women who then thrive in relationships and communities. Men who are taught to respect the role of his mother (and other women in his life) grow up to respect women as their equals — not incomplete beings requiring male supplementation.

When you tell a child he is the “man of the house,” you tell him: It is your responsibility to take care of this house and family.

That is terrifying to that child, because he can’t take care of the family.

He can’t earn money to pay the bills.

He can’t keep his family safe.

He can’t pay taxes, run family members to school and activities, or make sure everyone is healthy.

So not only are you giving him responsibilities he is not developmentally able to process, you are telling him he is repressible for things he has no control over.

It’s like if I told you it is your responsibility to turn around global warming, and every time a polar bear died, you faced 5 years in jail.

Don’t be a helicopter mom: Overprotective parents can hurt their kids

How and why single moms destroy their sons

It’s a fascinating exercise to raise both a son and a daughter. The experience of having both male and female children gives me so much insight into the genders, my own issues and relationships with each, and myself. I find that I write a lot more about my daughter Helena, 6, than my son, Lucas, 4. Maybe I spend more time thinking about the female role model I want her to have. And it is only natural that I see so much of myself in her, being that we are not only both females but also happen to share a lot of personality traits (assertive, curious, prone to emotional extremes, and love of storytelling in all its forms).

I also, of course, love Lucas just as much. And I am just as important of a parent to him as I am to his sister. It is also important I also be a strong, female role model for him — for all the reasons you should, too. That he will one day choose to surround himself with other smart, strong women. That he will expect for women to be his equal. And because, well, that is just what is going on in our house, so get used to it, kid!

What to tell your child when his father is not involved.

But with boys, something else is at play. Both Helena and Lucas see a mom who “does it all” — work, family, home. He doesn’t see a man doing that every day. This is the story for millions of boys.

That is not to say that Lucas doesn’t have a lot of great men in his life. He has awesome uncles, soccer coaches, my boyfriend, male teachers. But not the all-day, everyday, every-part-of-life stuff. There’s a difference. There just is.

He has a loving and caring dad who teaches him all kinds of important life skills (shoe laces, speaking multiple languages, soccer playing). But his father chooses to be a weekend dad.

As a mom and primary, residential parent, there are lots of challenges in general that come with parenting without a full-time, live-in romantic partner. My kids don’t organically learn what it means to be in a romantic partnership. They don’t have the benefits of two parents supporting each other — thus making more space and energy for good things to happen in a family.

Boys do benefit from their fathers, and fatherlessness is associated with every social ill: addiction, dropout rates, incarceration, early sexual activity and teen pregnancy, poor academics, aggression and violence.

Warren Farrell, an early leader of National Organization of Women, and now a leading activist on behalf of boys, shared this on the Institute for Family Studies blog, about how single moms of boys can help their sons thrive:

Single moms are among society’s most devoted, giving people. So for their sons to often have so many problems is heart-breaking. Here’s why it is not the fault of the mom, but there is something crucial moms can do.

A boy looks at his dad and sees the man he could become. If his dad is minimally present, that doesn’t give him much hope that marriage with children will lead to him having the emotional satisfaction of being a fully involved dad. Some dad-deprived boys see their dad living in a small apartment after divorce, and having to fight in court to be more involved with them, even as their dads are working a job they don’t like to pay for the children they can’t see as much as they’d like. That reinforces their purpose void and an abyss of hopelessness.

The solution is for a mom to become a pioneer in understanding what dads contribute, and why their more-frequent propensities toward rough-housing, tough-love, boundary enforcement, and letting boys work it out on their own often seem like insensitive parenting when in fact they are a crucial balance to a mom’s contribution to children’s development in general, and to boys’ development in particular. The Boy Crisis gives a lot more detail, but I hope this gives a clue.

Therapy can be a helpful tool for moms, teens and whole families. Online therapy is a powerful tool used by millions of Americans, and can be very cost-effective, convenient, and give you access to a wide variety of experts and specialists, no matter where you live. Learn more about the top online therapy sites for 2023.

But when a child doesn’t have a same-sex role model for life, does that relay the message that life doesn’t need him?

It’s a slippery slope, but single moms raising boys — especially those who handle the vast bulk of responsibility — can raise empowered men:

Tips for single moms raising boys: How can a single mom raise a boy?

If you have found your family slipping into “You’re the man of the house,” here is what you can do:

• Stop trying to do it all, because no one can do it all. People are not meant to be autonomous robotrons. If you haven’t already, build a community. This might be an old group of friends you see often. Maybe a new group of friends you know through your kids’ school and activities. If you are lucky enough to have a great extended family nearby — celebrate it! For me, my immediate community is a combination of friends and neighbors who live in the area, plus my brother and sister-in-law who live in my building. This grows and changes as our lives change, and extends to family and friends who live afar. Let your children see that you are human, vulnerable and require support. Let them see you ask for support. That is not only OK, it is good — because that support comes in the form of loving people who are now a part of your kids’ lives, too.
• Careful with the pride. On one hand I feel very proud of the life I’ve created for my family. I’m proud of my kids, my business, our community and the life we live. It is not easy, and in fact it is downright rotten with difficulty some days. Express gratitude for your riches, but check your ego and avoid espousing that you do it all (even though you’re likely are doing most of it!).
• Emphasize the positive qualities your son shares with other men in their lives. Especially their dads. The other day Helena was upset at bedtime, owing to some scratches she acquired rolling down a hill. Lucas got out of bed, fetched her favorite Jessie doll and quietly brought it to his big sister. “You are such a sweet and thoughtful boy,” I said to him. “You know who else is sweet like that? Daddy.”
• Work on your issues with men. Do you kinda secretly hate men? Say generalizing, negative things about the male sex? Your kids pick up on that. Work through it. Heal yourself.
• Date. Not every week or every day, if you don’t want to. But make it clear to your son that a romantic partner is an important part of a family. Even if you are not yet ready to date, or burnt out on dating, let your kids know you believe life would improve with the right guy in your lives — all your lives.
• Tell your children — all of them — that they are enough.
• Make it clear that you are the parent, and they are the kids. That is the rule, no exceptions. That means that you make the decisions on important matters, and you will protect them in times of trouble.
• Point out the other loving adults in your lives — especially the men. Uncles, neighbors, grandparents, friends, teachers, coaches. Express gratitude for the wide net of love, care and support that benefits your whole family.
• Be cognizant of chores you assign. Girls can take out stinky garbage, wield power tools  and clean gutters just as well as boys. And boys can learn to hem jeans, bake pastries and babysit younger siblings just as well as girls.
• Take on “male” chores around the house. If you’re not inclined to mow, repair, build, make it a family project to learn. Home Depot and community colleges offer courses on basic car repair, electrical and pluming and woodworking.
• Recognize that boys and girls need different things. Boys, for example, tend to have more energy to burn — consider a Bouncy Castle Hire Bridgend.
• Advocate for equally shared parenting in your relationship, and all relationships. When parenting is shared equally in separated families, fathers are far less likely to drop out of their kids’ lives. Even if 50-50 parenting is not at play in your family now, push for it. Work on your co-parenting arrangement and skills. If that is not possible, support lawmakers and advocates who fight for shared parenting time, and encourage people you know to equally split physical custody with their child’s other parent.
• Call out anyone who tries to “You’re the man of the house” your son, right there in front of your son. Even when a well-intentioned person says such nonsense, reply with: “He is a child and I am the adult. We don’t say that in our house.”

And that’s the end of that. Because you’re the adult.

Related: A father explains why he doesn’t see his child

Tips for single moms raising teenage sons: Can a single mom raise a good son?

Liz Jane, 40, is a physician and single mom of a 12-year-old daughter and 15-year-old son. Even without a consistent male figure in his life, Jane says her son started taking on household responsibilities around the age of 12. At just 15, he is currently enrolled in college.

This is her advice for raising teenage sons:

• When her son needs time away from his mom and sister, she gives him the space. 
• During school breaks, she lets her son stay with his uncles so he can spend time around men.
• She consults her son whenever she wants to make household decisions.

Grace Alvarez of Deland, Fla., is the chief editor at Best LLC Services, and single mother of a now 22-year-old son, whom she raised on her own since he was 10. Like Jane, Alvarez believes in the value of giving teenage sons their space. 

“Teenagers need to figure out lots of things about themselves,” Alvarez says.

At the same time, she made a point when her son was growing up to spend quality time together doing simple things like playing games and going out to eat. 

“That’s how I made a bond with my teen and helped us understand each other,” Alvarez says. 

She says she didn’t expect her son to be the man of the house but instead encouraged him to be responsible for himself.

Male role models for sons

Books for mothers raising sons

Raising Boys to Be Good Men: A Parent’s Guide to Bringing up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity – June 16, 2020

by Aaron Gouveia  

Mother to Son: Letters to a Black Boy on Identity and Hope – March 24, 2020

by Jasmine L. Holmes  (Author), Jackie Hill Perry (Foreword)

Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men – April 7, 2015

by Meg Meeker

Mother and Son: The Respect Effect – April 5, 2016

by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs