Running a background check on a potential nanny, babysitter or caregiver hire is a must to ensure youโre leaving your children with a safe and reliable person. There is a lot of public information that you can use, plus in some states, you can ask applicants to sign a consent that gives you permission to check driving records, arrest records, and more. We cover all of that in this post, which includes 11 steps to DIY your own nanny background check.
If youโre looking to run a background check on a nanny, these are some ways you can do it.
How do you screen a nanny? 11 steps to run a background check for caregivers
#1. Google search potential babysitters
The simplest way to run a background check when you're hiring a nanny or hiring a babysitter is to Google the personโs name. Get more specific results by searching โ[name] nannyโ or โ[name] city/state.โ Or put the name in quotation marks to cut down on the volume of your results.
#2. Social media search
Research for potential nannies on social media sites such as:
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
Linkedin
Almost every social media platform has an internal search function where you can search for someone by name, email, or phone number (though you may need to create an account yourself to do so).
If the personโs profile is public, the content on their page may give you a peek into their lifestyle and professionalism.
#3. Check identification
Ask for the nannyโs driverโs license or other photo ID (such as a passport, or a government or military ID). A real ID should have:
A smooth surface
A solid feel (not flimsy)
An unaltered image
Text that is not blurry or smeared
Make sure the applicant's ID has not expired. Don't accept copies. The applicant should allow you to make a copy of their ID, which you can use to conduct a professional background check.
The free site eForms offers background check authorization form templates that you can download and use, depending on your local and state laws. It may be easier to use a professional service (see #11 for more details).
#4. Schedule first interview
Set up an initial interview with the candidate youโre considering. Some families choose to host the interview in their home and let the nanny meet their children; others opt for a public place such as a coffee shop. Whatever youโre most comfortable with is fine.
Ask the nanny questions such as:
How long have you worked with children, and what settings or environments have you worked in? What ages have you cared for?
What are your best qualities?
Where have you lived in the last 10 years and for how long?
Do you have references? (both personal and professional)
Are you willing to drive the children places as needed? How is your driving record?
Do you have a college degree? Is it related to childcare? Have you ever taken classes in childcare?
Where did you grow up? Are you close with your family?
Do you have certifications in CPR, first responder training, and first aid? If not, are you willing to get them? What would be your plan in an emergency situation?
Why do you want this job?
You should also ask questions that are specific to your child or childrenโs current age. For example, ask if the nanny is comfortable caring for a newborn; potty training a toddler; or assisting a middle schooler with homework help.
If you have pets, ask about the nannyโs experience caring for animals and potential allergies. Any medical needs or behavioral challenges relevant to your family should also be discussed.
#5. Schedule second, working interview
It can be helpful to set up a working interview to see how the nanny interacts with your children. This might look like a normal weekday afternoon after school; a Friday evening date night; or even a weekend trip depending on your comfort level.
Whatever the case, pay the nanny their usual rate. Then ask your children how things went. If this working interview is simple and short, you may choose to stay present in the house while the nanny interacts with your kids.
#6. Interview past employers
Ask the nanny to provide references and contact information so you can speak with their past employers. While the questions you ask might vary depending on the nature of the job, you can ask questions like:
How long did [name] work for you?
Why did they leave the job?
Were they on time and honest?
Were you pleased with their overall performance?
Are there any concerns youโd have about this person?
#7. Interview family and friends
Ask for personal references, such as the nannyโs family members, friends, or anyone who knows them outside of work. You can speak with these people to get an idea of the candidateโs personality and character.
While personal references are obviously more biased, itโs still good to see that a person has people who are willing to vouch for them.
#8. Verify education records
If a candidate says they went to a certain school, make sure they completed the program they claim. Ask for details about their high school, college, or vocational school, such as what they studied and when they graduated. Youโll need to have them fill out a Form I-9 to verify their identity and employment authorization.
Next, use a third-party education verification service, or reach out to the school(s) yourself to verify the nannyโs graduation status.
#9. Check sex offender registry
All 50 states and the District of Columbia have sex offender registries that are open to the public. You can run a search for somebodyโs name on the National Sex Offender website run by the U.S. Department of Justice.
#10. Check driving record
Ensure your childrenโs safety in the car by checking the nannyโs driving record. You can do this by requesting the nannyโs driving record from your local DMV. Depending on your state, youโll likely need their:
Name
Birthday
Driverโs license number
A notarized authorization form releasing the record to you
#11. Use a background check website thatโs FCRA compliant
If you decide to use a background check website, itโs important to select one thatโs compliant with the Fair Credit Reporting Act (FCRA). The FCRA helps consumers by regulating how their information can be used and accessed.
As an employer (even for a nanny), you are required to follow the FCRA when conducting a background check to avoid a potential lawsuit.
Best background check websites for nannies, babysitters and caregivers
Choose from these nanny background check websites that comply with the FCRA:
Care.com
If the nanny youโre considering has a caregiver profile on Care.com (an online marketplace to find child care, elder care, and other services), they will have already completed a CareCheck conducted by the website. This includes:
Social Security number trace
National Sex Offender Public Website search
Multi-jurisdictional criminal database search
Federal and county criminal records search
You can also request a background check on a caregiver. Care.com has a B rating (not accredited) from the Better Business Bureau.
eNannySource is another option to run a background check on a nanny and make sure youโre complying with the FCRA. Multiple pricing tiers are available. The most comprehensive check covers:
Over 650 million national criminal records, including sex offender registries
Social Security number trace
County court records search for most recent county lived in
Additional county court records search for prior county lived in
Driving record report
National alias search
Other ways to find people online and check someone's background
Hiring a nanny is a big decision. This individual will be entering your home and spending time alone with your children. Thatโs why you need to make 100% sure that a nanny is who they claim โ that theyโre safe, trustworthy, and dependable. A background check will give you peace of mind that youโre hiring the right person.
If youโre hiring a nanny, it also doesnโt hurt to see what they might find out about you. You can follow many of the steps outlined in this article or use a FCRA compliant background check site.
If youโre not able to find enough information about your prospective nanny, check out our post on finding people online or consider using a private investigator (PI), who can conduct extensive background checks on your behalf. He or she may also run surveillance to make sure the person youโre considering is safe.
Check out this video for some insight into a private investigatorโs background check process:
If you have children and are considering divorce โ or if you recently divorced your spouse โ you may be in the midst of figuring out custody schedules and determining how youโll raise your children in separate households.
If you and your ex-spouse will each actively parent your children, youโll be co-parenting, regardless of whether you get along well or never want to be in the same room again. In either scenario, studies find that children fare best when both parents are involved โ as equally as possible.
โThe benefits of co-parenting are that each parent can still have an active role in their childโs life, and have the ability to communicate their concerns and work together with the other parent to compromise,โ says Dr. Jaclyn Gulotta, a licensed mental health counselor and qualified mental health supervisor.
How much or how little you collaborate with your ex-spouse depends on how civil your relationship is and whether you agree on how to raise your kids.
Gulotta says having a positive co-parenting relationship allows children to observe their parents modeling healthy relationship dynamics, including positive communication and respectful problem resolution.
In this post, Iโll give you all the resources and information you need to figure out a co-parenting plan that works for you and your family:
The definition of co-parenting is the practice of two parents working together to parent the kids. While married or coupled parents can and should certainly co-parent collaboratively, the term is usually used when navigating divorced and separated families where parents live apart.
So, what does co-parenting mean? Ideally, co-parenting moms and dads work together in the raising of children, including big decisions like medical and religious practices, as well as daily routines, discipline, schedules and values.
Co-parenting and shared parenting are separate, but closely related terms.
Shared parenting is the term used for time-sharing in the event of separation or divorce in which the kids split the hours and days approximately equally between both parentsโ homes.
Other terms include shared physical custody, equally shared parenting time, equal co-parenting, and equally shared parenting responsibility.
A review of 60 peer-reviewed and published studies on shared parenting found that children fare better when separated, and divorced co-parents share parenting time and decisions approximately equally (courts and academics consider at least 40 percent time with each parent to be considered shared parenting, a.k.a. equal co-parenting).
Ideally, both parents are actively involved in the childโs day-to-day life, communicate amicably (though you donโt have to be friends with an ex to be good co-parents), share the physical, financial, logistical and emotional responsibilities and joys of parenting, and encourage your children to have a warm relationship with the other parent, and their extended family and friends.
Co-parenting also requires that the parents communicate respectfully when challenges arise, and work together in the best interest of the child. Co-parenting mothers and fathers should allow each parent to express their own rules and parenting style when spending time with the child.
What are the types of co-parenting?
There is no one-size-fits-all co-parenting plan. Depending on how well you and your ex get along, you can choose a co-parenting plan with as much or as little interaction/communication as you can manage.
These are a few of the different types of co-parenting:
Parallel parenting
Parallel parenting involves co-parenting your children with minimal collaboration and communication. Each parent in a parallel parenting agreement raises their children how they choose when the children are in their custody.
Parallel parenting is usually used in high-conflict divorce cases where the parents simply canโt agree on how to raise their children and want to avoid communicating with one another.
If you are attempting to co-parent with an ex but canโt agree on how to raise your kids โ or youโre dealing with a narcissistic ex โ conflicts can arise. One parent may try to persuade the other parent that their way of parenting is best, and the children may be confused about which set of rules they should follow.
โCo-parenting with an ex who does not respect boundaries and is not acting in a child's best interest is absolutely terrible for the child and parents,โ says Jenifer Foley, co-founder of Alter, Wolff & Foley LLP, a New York-based law firm that specializes in family legal services.
Cooperative co-parenting
If you and your ex have a low-conflict relationship, you can attempt cooperative co-parenting, meaning you make decisions together in the best interests of your children.
Cooperative co-parenting is based on mutual respect and trust that the other parent will raise your kids with the same values and expectations you agreed upon.
What do you do when you canโt or donโt want to co-parent?
Not all separated or divorced parents can co-parent amicably. When youโre in a high-conflict situation, sometimes itโs best for each parent to set their own rules and expectations.
Foley says most parents want to do what is best for their children, they just disagree on what is โbest.โ
โA neutral expert telling both parents that this inconsistency is not healthy and/or that it is creating stress/anxiety for a child is often received in a more productive manner,โ Foley says.
What is the difference between co-parenting compared to joint custody?
Co-parenting can technically describe any parents who work together collaboratively, and peacefully raise children together.
Joint custody, on the other hand, is a legal term that can describe one of two things:
Joint legal custody means both parents have equal rights to make major decisions that affect their children, including health care, education, religion, and where the kids live.
Joint physical custody refers to equal time sharing, which is also called 50/50 parenting, or equally shared parenting.
Parents who cannot communicate well, or have extremely toxic and high-conflict relationships can parallel parent, which means they have a time-sharing arrangement, but each parents in their own way without input from the other parent during their time with the kids.
In a co-parenting relationship, a mother and father (or two dads, or two moms, etc.) are able to mostly overcome their differences and communicate and agree on most matters involving the children. Whether you can agree or not, you may benefit from a co-parenting app.
Arenโt women naturally better parents?
No. Science proves kids need both parents equally.
According to research published in the Review of General Psychology, having a loving and nurturing father is as crucial to a childโs well-being and success as having a loving and nurturing mother.
Yale psychiatrist Kyle Pruett asserts in his book Fatherneed that a fatherโs more active play style and slower response to child frustration allows children to learn problem-solving skills and independence.
Making medical, religious, and education decisions for your children
Attending a childโs parent-teacher conference with your ex
Going to your childโs soccer game together
Sharing milestones with your ex on a co-parenting app
Going on family vacations โ even if you stay in different accommodations
Having minimal contact with your ex but keeping interactions civil for the sake of your children
What are the benefits of co-parenting?
Dr. Sarah Kendrick, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with Thriveworks in San Francisco, says there are several benefits of a co-parenting relationship:
Co-parenting benefits for parents
Parents who co-parent successfully may experience less stress since they can rely on the other parent to uphold the same parenting expectations.
For children, co-parenting provides stability, since they often have a consistent schedule and experience the same set of rules/parenting style from both parents.
Co-parenting FAQs
What co-parenting apps are there?
There are numerous co-parenting apps to help parents with communication, schedules, activities, and more.
A 50-50 custody schedule is where both parents split the time they spend with their children equally. One of the simplest 50-50 custody schedules is an alternating weeks schedule, where the parents each take the children for a week at a time and switch off every other week. This custody arrangement also reduces the amount of time the parents have to interact.
Gulotta says choosing a custody schedule really depends on what works best for each individual family. She says some other parents have a 2-2-3 schedule, where each parent has two days in a row and then every other weekend.
Is it difficult co-parenting with your ex?
Kendrick says that depends on the relationship between the parents and how much theyโre willing to cooperate with one another.
โYouโre in control of your decisions and deciding what your life is, and even if something is not a direct and immediate choice for you, you can choose how you react,โ she says.
โWhen co-parenting with your ex, it may be difficult if one partner still has feelings and is not emotionally ready to transition into this new role,โ Gulotta says.
But she says co-parenting does not have to be hard.
โParents just need to work together to focus on what is beneficial to their children long term and to work on compromise,โ she says. โParents should remember not to compare what other co-parents do and to focus on what works best in their situation.โ
How do you co-parent while blending families?
Kendrick says the greatest challenge in blending families is often communication (between the former spouse, new partner, and all children, with each person needing individualized messages).
โThere may be hesitation to communicate with someone, but thatโs OK, and itโs better to communicate more frequently than not,โ Kendrick says.
She suggests leaving space open for questions from kids and regularly checking in on them to help with the transition.
What should I do when co-parenting doesnโt work?
Kendrick says to start by focusing on whatโs best for your kids.
โIf you are finding that your co-parent is being challenging or resistant, that makes it more challenging for you,โ she says. โThere may be reasons you donโt know about that are bringing these difficulties up; youโre only in control of how you react.โ
Kendrickโs advice?
โChoose to react in the best way that you can, at least for your kids.โ
She says if all else fails, focus on your custody agreement and adhere to it.
You can also enroll in an online parenting course like Online Parenting Programs, which offers court-approved programs on:
Co-parenting and divorce
High-conflict co-parenting
Basic parenting skills
Thrive class in which parents and children attend together
Bottom line: What is co-parenting? Whatever you make of it.
Co-parenting with an ex can be hard, but ultimately, you are in control of your co-parenting experience.
If you are struggling to co-parent with an ex, you can utilize apps like Our Family Wizard to improve your communication or enroll in an online parenting class like the ones offered by Online Parenting Programs.
The definition of co-parenting is the practice of two parents working together to parent the kids. While married or coupled parents can and should certainly co-parent amicably, and collaboratively, the term is usually used when navigating divorced and separated families where parents live apart.
What does co-parenting mean?
Ideally, both parents are actively involved in the childโs day-to-day life, communicate amicably (though you donโt have to be friends to be good co-parents), share the physical, financial, logistical and emotional responsibilities and joys of parenting, and encourage your children to have a warm relationship with the other parent, and their extended family and friends.
What are the types of co-parenting?
There is no one-size-fits-all co-parenting plan. Depending on how well you and your ex get along, you can choose a co-parenting plan with as much or as little interaction/communication as you can manage. These are a few of the different types of co-parenting: parallel parenting, conflicted co-parenting, and cooperative co-parenting.
What is cooperative co-parenting?
If you and your ex have a low-conflict relationship, you can attempt cooperative co-parenting, meaning you make decisions together in the best interests of your children.
What is the difference between co-parenting compared to joint custody?
Co-parenting can technically describe any parents who work together collaboratively, and peacefully raise children together.
One of single momsโ most common frustrations โ and by frustrations, I mean ENRAGEMENTS โ is dads who donโt stick to visitation schedules. This might mean they fail to show up for scheduled visits, cancel at the last minute โ or show up unannounced, or ask for last-minute visits, messing up your life and plans.
Corrie Sirkin, a family law attorney, mediator, and divorced mom from Manassas, Va., says she frequently deals with fathers who show up late or simply donโt show up at all.
โAs a single mom myself, I know how frustrating these issues can be,โ Sirkin says. โWe have to continue to put our children first and foremost and try to make their lives as conflict free as possible.โ
So, what do you do when there is a change in visitation?
There are plenty of good, common reasons for last-minute visitation change: a medical emergency, parents who agree to be flexible with each other regarding work schedules, or other mutually respected explanations. However, mothers often complain that fathers keep canceling visits, and dads often say that primary-custody moms deny them visits.
Parent cancels visits
In a solid co-parenting relationship, if one parent needs some backup, they may be able to ask the other parent if they can step in and help, and/or switch up the schedule.
However, many co-parents have too contentious of a relationship, and one parent may just not show up โ or cancels the visit and refuses to see the child. Alternatively, the custodial parent may cancel the visit, prohibiting the other parent from using their visitation time.
In either case, the advice is to document the cancellation. This can be useful if you choose to pursue your custody case in court.
The real fall-out in these situations is for the kids, who are caught in the middle of their parentsโ dispute. Kids can feel confused about their schedule, hurt and abandoned by the non-custodial parent (regardless of who is at fault for the missed visit), and otherwise not benefit from two parents who love and are committed to them.
Dr. Sarah Kendrick, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with Thriveworks in San Francisco, says frequent schedule changes can be difficult for the child, since children need some level of stability. However, the best approach is to speak to children in ways theyโll understand โ and donโt throw your ex under the bus.
โYouโre only in control of how you react,โ Kendrick says. โChoose to react in the best way that you can, at least for your kids. Simply tell them there is a change in the schedule and the new schedule for now looks like X.โ
Sirkin says if a parent regularly doesnโt show up, the court can order that both parents use a co-parenting app that uses location services on iPhone or Android and has check-ins to prove whether someone is on time.
Once you have documentation of the issue, you can ask the court to modify the parenting time and child support orders to reflect actual parenting time and increase child support.
โSometimes fathers will request more parenting time simply to reduce their child support obligation rather than really wanting to spend more time with their children,โ Sirkin says.
She says even if the father isnโt purposely blowing off visits โ for example, if heโs absent minded or irresponsible โ heโs still causing problems for the mother, who is relying on a consistent schedule and has to make alternate arrangements when he doesnโt show up.
โIf someone consistently doesn't show up, you can also ask the court to change the agreement so he is responsible for the costs of a babysitter or similar childcare costs,โ Sirkin says.
Late for visitation: How to handle
Ultimately, it is not your responsibility to teach him how to be a good dad or manipulate him into showing up. He is an adult, a parent, and that is his responsibility. But see what you can do to facilitate visits, even if it means doing more than you already are (which is no doubt a lot).
Parent late for visitation
When the other parent is late for visitation, Sirkin says you should send a message to the parent stating:
“It is now 6:30 P.M., you have not arrived yet. When are you going to arrive?”
She recommends keeping a paper calendar specifically for parenting time that documents cancellations or late arrivals, including when you were notified.
For example:
October 1: 6:30 P.M. scheduled time, arrived at 7:14 P.M., notified at 7:05 P.M.
October 15: no show no call
Visitation schedule manipulation: What to do
If your ex doesnโt respect the schedule youโve put into place and shows up at will, there are steps you can take โ sometimes uncomfortable ones โ to ensure he plays by the rules.
Kendrick recommends first trying to communicate your concerns and needs to your ex, without involving the courts.
If that doesnโt work? This is what you should do:
Parent shows up unannounced
If he shows up on, say, Saturday evening and asks to take the kids for ice cream, even though his visit is not until Wednesday, answer the door. Try not to let the kids see, but accept that they might. Tell him that this is the last time you are opening the door for a time that is outside of his visitation.
Let him leave. The end. See ya Wednesday!
If he doesnโt leave?
Be prepared to call the police. Then call your lawyer โ or find one via a friend.
I do not say that lightly. Early in my divorce, I had to call the police. I think there are lots of times people call the police during divorces that are unwarranted. Just because youโre really angry doesnโt mean that the cops need to be called.
However, sometimes the other party just doesnโt understand that because he used to live in the house that is now yours, that he canโt just be there when he wants โ and will not leave your apartment. Or, just because children with whom he shares joint custody live in a building, that he isnโt allowed to have keys to that building. In my case, I couldnโt make the other person understand those basic concepts. But a couple of giant, burly officersโ presence did make him understand.
So: Be prepared to call the police, and file a report.
If you threaten to call the police, then you must call the police. He already doesnโt respect you. Empty threats will make that worse.
If things get to this point, then you do need to document this unstable behavior.
Police and courts will likely escalate things, at least temporarily. But they can and do get better. In my case, things got much, much better. But it took outside agencies to impose the rules. It is ugly and embarrassing. For me, a low point. But it had to happen.
Sirkin says if the other parent is not dangerous and circumstances allow, let the children speak with them on the porch or in the yard.
โAdvise him that you have plans and that you will need to leave with the children by a set time, and then leave,โ she says.
Ex constantly changing visitation schedule
Occasional and justified visitation change requests are to be expected โ for example, if your ex wants to take your kids to visit an in-town relative or has to cancel a visit for a doctor's appointment.
However, if youโre dealing with an ex who is constantly canceling or trying to reschedule visits, you may need to get the courts involved.
Hereโs what to do:
Document everything. Keep a calendar and note all the times he is late, doesnโt show, cancels less than 3 days in advance, or cancels for reasons that are not reasonable โ he has a date, is tired, not in the mood, had a fight with his boss, wants to go out, has a friend visiting. Our Family Wizard is the most popular, and most-often court-ordered co-parenting app, in which you can share calendars and document communication and missed or late visits.
Go to court and get his visitations reduced. Bring your documentation, explain the effects this has on the kids and your own life, and ask the judge to reduce the number of times each week or month you have to be disappointed and your life upturned.
You may need to call your lawyer โ or find one via a friend. Online legal services are also affordable ways lots of people can get quality advice.
Make him work for visitation: If he wants to see his kids, it can work to make him fight for it (as it stands, he takes visits for granted. Switch it up). It might seem counterintuitive, or passive-aggressive, but as it stands, he takes his time with the kids for granted, and approaches it with a sense of entitlement. Change that up. I tried this, and it worked.
Be open to or even ask the judge for therapeutic visits. This means the court orders the dad, the kids, and maybe even you go to therapy.
If the non-custodial parent is often not showing up for visitation, sees the kids inconsistently, cancels last minute, or shows up unannounced, this is what you do:
1. Document your visitation schedule
Make sure you have a visitation schedule, and have it authorized through family court. Even if you were never married, you need to get this legally formalized.
Pull it out, make a copy, hand it to him, and tell him that that is the schedule. If he wants to change it, he is welcome to go to court and have it amended. Be polite, but firm. Say: โIt is best for everyone if we all stick to a schedule. If it goes well for six months, we can start to be flexible when we need to be.โ
Give him the benefit of doubt. Remember: You are changing the dynamic. Change is hard. He thought he could control you, but you are letting him know he canโt. He wonโt like this. Give him an opportunity to step in line.
2. Examine the situation
Get honest with yourself: Do you contribute to the situation? You and I might make sure we see our kids, no matter what asshole tries to get involved. But, ask yourself:
Do you help create drama at pick-up or drop-off that might discourage your ex from showing up?
Do you try to micro-manage his time with the kids, creating a situation in which itโs very stressful for him to parent?
Do you otherwise not support him in his parenting? Remember, especially if you have the kids the majority of the time, it can be really hard for even the best-intentioned dads to find a parenting groove, and confidence.
3. Consider changing the visitation schedule
While it may not be fair or ideal, one parent may just not be up for the current schedule, and the other parent and the kids deserve consistency
Sometimes, a parent struggles with mental health or addiction issues and needs some support before they can get back to a regular visitation schedule
Occasionally, a parent is unsafe with the kids
Often, a parentโs work schedule prohibits them from maintaining the same schedule, or a regular schedule, and requests some flexibility. However, it can be argued that parenting time is a responsibility and the parent should be required to arrange for child care should work conflict arise.
What to do if you donโt have a visitation agreement?
Go to family court this week, and request a hearing to get one. I also recommend hiring an attorney if you can at all afford one. A DIY online divorce service can be a great, affordable tool to get you the documents and advice you need โ whether you were married or not.
You are very vulnerable without a custody and visitation agreement, regardless of whether you were married to your kidsโ ex, live in the same state or country, whether you seek/get child support, whether or not he ever sees those kids.
Caveats: OK, maybe you have one of those Gweneth Paltrow dreamy divorces where you both blow in and out of each otherโs homes unprompted, are BFFs with the otherโs new significant other, and vacation together with your collective broods to the Maldives. Yay you.
Dads, if you donโt follow the visitation schedule, this is why this is totally, absolutely unacceptable:
Your co-parent is not a 24-hour bodega. She and your kids are entitled to a schedule, the ability to plan, and to count on a routine.
Parenting is not optional. You have a responsibility to your kids, and blowing them off is irresponsible, unethical, and just generally crappy.
It breaks your childrenโs hearts when you donโt show. They will remember.
Being lackadaisical about seeing your children sets a horrible example for your kids, and any other children in your life (e.g., your new girlfriendโs kids, or children you now have with another woman).
Even last-minute cancellations are horrible. This lets down your children, and shows a total lack of respect for their mother, who is doing the majority of your work in raising them. You are 50 percent responsible for your kids. Every minute more than 50 percent that their mother takes is a favor to you, since you cannot or will not step up. Blowing off your time with your kids is so disrespectful of this service she is already providing for you. When you donโt show up, that means that she has to cancel her plans โ including a quiet evening alone with a nice, uninterrupted meal, her shows, and the dog by her side. Or, a date, because she is an adult and she is no longer your wife or girlfriend. Or a workout, or work. Her time is valuable, and you are messing with it and that is wrong.
Question for you, dude: Are you trying to control your kidโs mom by creating chaos in her schedule? Are you jealous of her new man, or otherwise trying to punish her?
Everyone needs a schedule. Kids thrive on schedules. Moms need schedules so they can organize their lives. You need a schedule. Dude, you need a schedule. I understand that your work may be unpredictable and harried. But work with your kidsโ mom. She probably wants you to be involved.
If you do have to miss a visit, IMMEDIATELY offer to reschedule. YOU suggest the new time. Your ex is not your secretary. Say: โIโm really sorry but work called me in this weekend and I canโt see the kids. What do you say that I take them Wednesday through Friday instead? Or, is there another time that works for you?โ That shows her that you are serious about your children, that you recognize the value of your time with them โ and the impact of missing a visit.
How about you? Does your ex do this? DID he do it? How did you manage it?
What if a parent is late for visitation?
Ultimately, it is not your responsibility to teach him how to be a good dad or manipulate him into showing up. He is an adult, a parent, and that is his responsibility. But see what you can do to facilitate visits, even if it means doing more than you already are (which is no doubt a lot). And document everything.
What if the parent doesnโt show for visitation or shows up unannounced?
If the non-custodial parent fails to see the kids consistently or cancels last minute, this is what you do: Make sure you have a visitation schedule, and have it authorized through family court.
It is not divorce or separation that harms children โ but conflict between parents, no matter if they are married or divorced, studies find.
Dr. Jaclyn Gulotta, a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in parenting, blended families, child development, families, marriage, and divorce, says successful co-parents work together to focus on what is beneficial for their children in the long term, which includes providing stability and structure.
She recommends parents:
Communicate openly with their children
Focus on compromise
Avoid talking negatively about the other parent
โParents should also remember not to compare what other co-parents do and to focus on what works best in their situation,โ Gulotta says.
If youโre currently trying to establish a successful co-parenting relationship, we recommend enrolling in an online co-parenting course.
Our top choice for court-approved parenting classes is OnlineParentingPrograms.com, which offers classes on:
Co-parenting and divorce
High-conflict co-parenting
Basic parenting skills
Thrive class in which parents and children attend together
What does a healthy co-parenting relationship look like?
Anandhi Narasimhan, a Los Angeles child and adult psychiatrist, says healthy co-parenting is about both parents being able to communicate effectively and respectfully to raise their children.
That means not putting the other parent down in front of the children and working together to help them navigate the transition to a new family dynamic.
โValidating the child's emotions and discussing with the other parent how to best support the child is important,โ says Narasimhan, who recently published a book to help parents understand and form meaningful connections with their children. She says healthy co-parenting also involves both parents actively participating in things like health care, academics, and other key aspects of their childrenโs lives.
Sarah Levin Allen, a pediatric neuropsychologist from New Jersey, says successful co-parents put their kidsโ needs above their own emotional reactions.
โIt's about modeling healthy communication and emotional management,โ says Allen, founder of Brain Behavior Bridge. โHealthy co-parenting is identifying your child's needs and pushing that to the forefront of every decision.โ
If youโre looking for a guide to navigate co-parenting with an ex, check out Mashonda Tifrereโs Blend, The Secret to Co-Parenting and Creating a Balanced Family. Tifrere shares a 4-year-old son with her ex, music producer Swizz Beatz, and his wife, singer/songwriter Alicia Keys.
How to set up co-parenting boundaries with your ex
IGNORE when he gets pissy.
DO NOT ENGAGE.
Emilyโs tactic:
โIt took me a while to release the angry texting habit I adopted once he moved out, criticizing him every time he was late, or his stories sounded fishy about a plan change.
Now I say to myself: โAnd that is why I divorced him,โ and breathe an actual sigh of relief.
I text โOK thanks,โ like a robot and get on with my life.โ
Our Family Wizard co-parenting app has a ToneMeter that flags any inflammatory words or phrases that you type โ so you can delete before you send!
Healthy co-parenting boundaries
Writes Billy Flynn Gadbois, B.S, J.D.:
With co-parenting it is important to focus on the things you can control, and that starts at home. Maintaining a happy and stable environment comes first, and that includes prioritizing your romantic relationships sometimes, as selfish as that may sound. If Mom and Dad are happy, the kids are going to be happy. Trickle-down economics may not work, but trickle-down happiness does. Prioritizing the nest is ultimately the basis of good co-parenting.
Prioritize your nest, every time. You donโt have to be unreasonable or rigid with it. Its simply calculating a balance with a priority in mind. If the issue will negatively impact the people in your nest in a valid way, the answer is no. If the impact is neutral or the pros outweigh the cons or if it is outright positive for the kids or the coparenting relationship and everyone is comfortable with it, then sure, do it up.
The basic advice about communicating and establishing healthy boundaries with a co-parent โ especially in a high-conflict relationship โ includes:
Stick to practical matters
Do not dig up past hurts or arguments
Conduct co-parenting communication by text, email or within a co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard, which has a unique ToneMeter feature to flag any language that will start a fight
If it makes practical sense, invite into the group chat or co-parenting app step-parents, grandparents, nannies and friends. The goal is to share information, ease communication and share the joys and responsibilities of child-rearing!
What does inappropriate co-parenting look like?
Ineffective co-parenting can include any number of dysfunctional dynamics, including:
One parent controlling how the other spends time with the child
Undermining the other parentโs authority with the kids, e.g. telling the children they donโt have to follow the other parentโs rules
Manipulating the kids to gain their favor over the other parent, to be the โfavoriteโ parent
Attempts to undermine the other parentโs new romantic relationship
How to co-parent with a narcissist
To successfully co-parent with a narcissist, you have to set firm co-parenting boundaries about responsibilities and communication, plus have clear consequences when expectations arenโt met, says Jameca Woody Cooper, psychologist and clinical director of Emergence Psychological Services in St. Louis.
Itโs also a good idea to put in place a no tolerance policy for shaming or guilting the children or pitting them against one another, she says.
โNarcissist parents have a tendency to use these tactics as a way of manipulating their children,โ says Woody Cooper, who has also navigated her own divorce and co-parenting relationship.
Narasimhan says narcissists like to push buttons and make the other parent feel wounded with devaluing statements and passive-aggressive approaches.
โA narcissist often does not have empathy for the challenges and suffering of others โ even their own children โ so everyone around them suffers psychologically,โ she says.
Narasimhan suggests keeping interactions transactional and not expressing vulnerability when youโre co-parenting with a narcissist.
โWhen you feel the narcissist is attacking you and putting you down, engaging or arguing just escalates the behavior,โ she says. Instead, minimize interactions and seek help from a therapist to heal old wounds. Connect with a certified mental health professional through BetterHelp.com. Read our review.
Allen says itโs important to be able to identify and label common narcissistic behaviors like gaslighting so you can avoid their emotional power. For reference, gaslighting is a technique narcissists and abusers use to control others by distorting their sense of reality (like picking a fight then making the other person believe they started it).
Because you canโt fix a narcissist, Allen says the best response is to arm yourself with knowledge about your legal rights, set boundaries based on those rights, and continue to advocate for your children. That means taking a supportive role and helping them process whatโs happening at an age-appropriate level.
โTry to identify inappropriate behavior without devaluing the other parent's love. For example, you can say, โThis behavior isn't OK. Your parent loves you, but they did not make a good choice. Your parent should not have behaved that way,โโ she says. She also suggests using those moments to teach children about loving behaviors and boundaries.
Like dealing with a narcissist, co-parenting with a controlling or toxic ex is about setting and maintaining boundaries, Woody Cooper says.
โEarly on, it is necessary to set the standard that you cannot be controlled and show that efforts to control you as the parent will be met with distance and less communication,โ she says.
She suggests that when the conversation isn't acceptable, reduce or cut it off (if possible) or communicate only through email.
โIt's much harder to try to control another person via email,โ she says.
Allen recognizes that it can be difficult to separate your emotions from whatโs best for your children. Thatโs why she recommends having a strong support system in place.
โGet a dream team of support like a therapist, good friends, or a mom group so you have an outlet for your emotional responses as well as a checkpoint to make sure your responses are appropriate and unemotional,โ she says.
In his book, Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing, Dr. Richard A. Warshak challenges the conventional advice that you shouldnโt fight fire with fire. โโInstead, he teaches parents how to effectively combat an ex who is constantly trying to portray them in a negative light. His strategies help parents preserve and rebuild relationships damaged by a manipulative ex.
How to co-parent with a toxic ex
Co-parenting with a toxic ex means learning to let go, Allen says. Itโs about recognizing that you canโt keep your kids from being put in the middle or being used as pawns in your relationship.
โYou need to allow your children to have their own relationship with the co-parent,โ she says. โBy recognizing that there are things you canโt control, you are better able to support your children and separate yourself emotionally.โ
Taking this approach allows children to find their own voice and develop skills to stand up for themselves.
โLook at the pandemic. We couldn't save our children from experiencing that, but we can be there to give them resources and model emotion management and coping skills,โ Allen says. โPut the experiences your kids will have with your co-parent in this category. Support their emotions and reactions instead of adding to them with your own emotional responses.โFor more advice on repairing a strained parent-child relationship caused by a toxic ex, check out this book: Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You.
Even if you have a healthy relationship with your ex, you need a solid co-parenting agreement to address how youโll make decisions about your children and to work out the details of your parenting arrangement.
If you are divorced, legally separated, or have filed a parenting plan with courts, you likely have a legally binding parenting agreement as part of the proceedings. If you are going through a breakup or divorce now, you may ask your ex, and/or his attorney, for a co-parenting agreement.
A co-parenting agreement is simply a contract that binds you both to certain items as they pertain to how you will behave towards each other and the children for the sake of raising healthy kids. This may also be called a custody agreement, parenting plan, or a custody and visitation agreement.
You and your other parent may create a co-parenting agreement at any time. You can do this without attorneys, and may choose to file in the courts, or it can serve as a friendly outline of behaviors, schedules and protocol for raising children together.
What is included in a co-parenting agreement?
For purposes of filing for divorce or custody, a court may require the following issues to be agreed upon (or a judge may mandate the following):
Payment of childrenโs health insurance and other medical expenses
Payment of child care, camp and extracurricular activities
Keeping each parent informed about medical, education and other important issues
Restrictions on how far parents can live from one another
Sharing decisions about religious education
Other items that you may choose to add to a co-parenting agreement can include anything you agree on, including:
First rights of refusal
Access to grandparents and other relatives
Use of a shared calendar and/or a specific co-parenting app
Protocol for requesting and negotiating schedule changes
The requirement of responsibility for scheduled visitation time. In other words, a parent cannot simply cancel their scheduled time with a child, but must make appropriate child care arrangements in the event of a schedule change
Transportation โ which parent is responsible for transporting kids from one home to the other
Communication โ number of hours or days each parent has to respond to an email or text
Communication about parent-teacher conferences
Time-sharing for birthdays and other life events
You know what you and your ex fight about or will likely fight about โ get it in writing now!
Co-parenting is a type of relationship, but not a romantic one!
Should co-parents spend time together?
Ideally, co-parents should be able to attend their childrenโs events without causing the kids anxiety by being friendly, saying hello, and possibly standing or sitting near one another.
Co-parents ideally should be able to attend school meetings, counseling sessions and even family meetings or dinners occasionally to discuss issues, celebrate birthdays and events and show the kids that you are on the same team.
This really depends on the two of you, and more frequent communication is called for when there is an infant in play, or there is a medical or other high-intensity situation in which both parents want to know what is going on โ and are entitled to daily updates. When children are very young, or the separation or divorce is very new it can be helpful to communicate more often. If there is a difficult period โ a family illness, a child going through a difficult time, a relocation or other big life change โ more frequent communication may naturally happen, or be useful or necessary.
But there is usually no reason to mandate daily communication between co-parents otherwise.
How should co-parents communicate?
If yours is a high-conflict relationship, keep co-parenting communication to text, messages within a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard, or email. However, it can be very, very helpful to speak face-to-face or by phone to work through difficult child situations, share about your personal struggles that may interfere with co-parenting or otherwise check in.
Hiring a mediator, therapist or even inviting a mutual friend to moderate the conversation is perfectly fine.
Bottom line: For the sake of the kids, learn how to co-parent successfully with your ex
No matter how you feel about your ex, itโs important for the sake of the kids to maintain a cordial co-parenting relationship. That includes communicating effectively and setting healthy co-parenting boundaries.
If youโre struggling to co-parent with your ex or you just want to build a healthy co-parenting relationship, we recommend enrolling in a court-approved class from Online Parenting Programs.
You can also use a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard to keep communication in one place and to share important info.
What is co-parenting?
The definition of co-parenting is the practice of two parents working together to parent the kids. While married or coupled parents can and should certainly co-parent amicably, and collaboratively, the term is usually used when navigating divorced and separated families where parents live apart.
What does it mean to co-parent?
Ideally, both parents are actively involved in the child's day-to-day life, communicate amicably (though you don't have to be friends to be good co-parents), share the physical, financial, logistical and emotional responsibilities and joys of parenting, and encourage your children to have a warm relationship with the other parent, and their extended family and friends.
What does inappropriate co-parenting look like?
Ineffective co-parenting can include any number of dysfunctional dynamics, including: one parent controlling how the other spends time with the child; undermining the other parent's authority with the kids; and more.
Should co-parents talk everyday?
This really depends on the two of you, and more frequent communication is called for when there is an infant in play, or there is a medical or other high-intensity situation in which both parents want to know what is going on and are entitled to daily updates.
How should co-parents communicate?
If yours is a high-conflict relationship, keep co-parenting communication to text, messages within a co-parenting app, or email. However, it can be very, very helpful to speak face-to-face or by phone to work though difficult child situations, share about your personal struggles that may interfere with co-parenting or otherwise check in.
What does healthy co-parenting look like?
Anandhi Narasimhan, a Los Angeles child and adult psychiatrist, says healthy co-parenting is about both parents being able to communicate effectively and respectfully to raise their children.ย That means not putting the other parent down in front of the children and working together to help them navigate the transition to a new family dynamic.
Scrap yards are places that buy scrap metal from individuals and businesses. They help the environment by keeping scrap metals out of landfills, recycling them for reuse.
Scrap yards collect items like:
Large appliances (washing machines, deep freezers, etc.)
Old electronics (cellphones, desktop computer systems, VCRs)
Vehicles (cars, vans, pickups, SUVs)
Building materials from renovations like copper pipes and aluminum siding
Old aluminum, copper, or cast iron cookware
If you have junk cluttering your home, inside or out, you could actually have a small fortune on your hands โ if you know where to take it. Worst-case scenario, a scrap yard can help you get rid of big items you donโt need, and help the environment by recycling them.
Keep reading to learn where you can recycle scrap metal in person and by mail.
Start in your own community. A quick Google search of โscrap yards near meโ will return a list of nearby businesses that accept scrap:
If youโre scrapping metal, ask which metals and items they accept.
Many yards accept metals like:
Aluminum
Iron
Brass
Copper
Stainless steel
Some may also take items that contain metal, such as:
Door handles
Copper pipes or wiring
Microwaves
Desktop computers
Washing machines
Contact your local scrap yard directly or visit their website to learn which types of scrap they accept and their payouts.
Alternatively, you can use an app like iScrap to locate local scrap yards. The app also provides real-time scrap metal prices to help you know which offers to accept.
If you've never been to a scrap yard, here's what you can expect:
Alternatives to local scrap yards:
If you donโt want to load up your car and drive to a local scrap yard, you can reach out to companies who come to you or provide free shipping to their facility.
Check out these top scrap yard alternatives:
1-800-GOT-JUNK? review
1-800-GOT-JUNK? is a licensed and insured accredited Better Business Bureau business with an A+ rating. You can contact them to get rid of of junk as long as it is not toxic or hazardous material, vehicles, or items that two people canโt safely lift.
Unlike the previous businesses on this list, 1-800-GOT-JUNK does not pay you for your unwanted items. Rather, you pay them a fee to pick up your unwanted items from your home. Itโs a good resource for removing items you canโt sell.
Types of junk they accept:
Appliances like refrigerators, stoves, and deep freezers
Large items like hot tubs, furniture, pool tables, and pianos
Bulky items like carpeting, exercise equipment, and mattresses
Garbage, yard trash, glass, tires, and construction waste
They also accept electronic scrap such as computers, TVs, and radios.
1-800-GOT-JUNK? will also remove scrap metals from your home, including:
Aluminum
Brass
Cast iron
Copper
Steel
Tin
Lead
Zinc
Nickel
To get started, you can request a no-obligation on-site estimate online or by phone. The 1-800-GOT-JUNK? team will come to your home or business and give you an estimate for junk removal.
Pricing is based on how much junk you have and how much space it will take up in the truck, vertically or horizontally. Each truck is divided into portions: โ ยผ, ยฝ, ยพ, and one full load. They also provide pricing for single-item removals.
CJ Environmental review
CJ Environmental provides metal refining for businesses and individuals looking to turn scrap into extra money. The company has an A+ rating and is accredited with the Better Business Bureau. The business is also a member of the INC 500 โ an elite group of businesses considered the fastest growing in the United States.
CJ Environmental has three divisions that handle scrap:
Dental โ Takes dental scrap like crowns and bridges that contain metals like gold, silver, palladium, or platinum. They do not accept silver-colored scrap or amalgam fillings.
Electronics โ Recycles computers, laptops, cell phones, smartphones, and parts like circuit boards. These items are refined because they often contain gold and other precious metals.
CJ Environmental and its subsidiaries offer complimentary shipping. You can get a quote for your items before you sell.
Once they receive and appraise your items โ and if you accept their offer โ you will receive a paper check by mail or an electronic payment from PayPal. Most payments are processed within 24 hours of receipt.
Boardsort.com accepts and refines electronic scrap or e-scrap such as circuit boards, RAM, computer chips, cell phones, hard drives, and laptops. They are A+ rated with the BBB.
To use Boardsort, you must register for a free account. They do not offer free shipping. You can either ship your items to Boardsortโs Ohio processing center or contact them for their drop-off address in Ohio.
Boardsort offers a list of acceptable items and the price they pay per pound. Categories include:
Circuit boards ($0.20โ$40.00/lb)
RAM/Memory ($2.00โ$20.50/lb)
CPU and chips ($2.00โ$175.00/lb)
Cell phones and tablets ($0.25โ$5.25/lb)
Batteries ($0.00โ$0.10/lb)
Whole systems ($0.10โ$1.35/lb)
Hardware ($0.05โ$11.00/lb)
Teardown ($0.05โ$0.55/lb)
Metal ($0.05โ$3.25/lb)
You can also request an instant quote online for your electronic scrap. Additionally, Boardsort offers detailed shipping guidance and videos on how to pack and send your things to avoid payment delays.
Boardsort processes e-scrap from the previous week every Wednesday. They pay every Thursday. Payouts come by check or PayPal.
This business has an active Facebook community, is very responsive via email or phone, and offers an on-site forum to ask questions on Boardsort.com.
Peddle.com
Austin, Texas-based Peddle.com trades cars for cash. The BBB-accredited business is A+ rated and was founded in 2004. Whether your car is in good or bad shape, Peddle will offer you a price that you can accept or reject within seven days. Just create a free account and request a free quote online.
Peddle will walk you through questions to determine the year, make, model, and condition of your vehicle. Within minutes, youโll get an offer.
If you accept, you can schedule a pickup at a time thatโs convenient for you. A Peddle towing partner will come to remove your car and pay you by cash or check.
Peddle is available in all 50 states. They buy cars, trucks, SUVs, and vans. There are no hidden fees to use this service. And if you have a question about how to handle your title, use the Peddle title guide for state-specific instructions.
Scrap yard prices? What a scrap yard might pay for scrap metal:
If you have scrap metal sitting around, you can recycle it for money fairly quickly. Scrap yards that pay for items will generally give you a price on the spot, but research current scrap prices to make sure youโre getting a fair payout.
Here are some average prices for popular scrap metals listed on the iScrap app as of August 2022:
Gold: $27,200.00/lb
Platinum: $13,720.00/lb
Stainless steel: $0.35/lb
Copper scrap: $2.44/lb
Aluminum scrap: $0.50/lb
Silver: $307.00/lb
Iron scrap: $155.00/ton
To get real-time pricing for metals, you can use resources like:
iScrap โ An app that shows current metal prices by the pound. You can also see nearby scrap yards and contact information so you can ask any questions you have.
Scrap Monster โ A one-stop online resource for scrap metal pricing and scrap yards. You can post buy/sell scrap offers in the marketplace and ask questions on the forum, an area on their website where you can post questions and read about scrap metal topics.
Scrap Register โ A site that posts scrap metal prices by region. For the most up-to-date pricing, youโll need to sign up for a paid membership. Yearly plans start at $99.
PriceofScrapMetals.com โ A website dedicated to showing the latest scrap metal prices per pound in the United States and internationally.
How do scrap yards work? What to expect when you visit a nearby scrap yard
When you take metal to a scrap yard, the first thing they'll do is weigh it. Depending on the size of your haul, they may use a small or large scale. If you have a few items in your trunk, youโll probably be directed to a small weighing area. If you have a truckload, they might have you drive the entire truck onto a large scale.
Your payout is determined by the type of metal and its weight. It helps to know what kind of metal you are scrapping, but if you donโt, the workers at the scrap yard will sort through your metal to determine the type.
After sorting and weighing, youโll be offered a price based on the current market for each type of metal. Youโll usually be given a ticket that you can take to a cashier to cash out.
Prices can vary by region and demand, so itโs wise to call ahead and ask about current pricing before you make the trip. Also, ask about what they accept to avoid wasting time and money transporting your scrap to your local scrap yard.
Scrap yard FAQs
What do scrap yards pay the most for?
Some of the most valuable items include:
Scrap metals like aluminum, copper, brass, lead, stainless steel, and iron
Fine jewelry made of gold, platinum, or silver
Large appliances like stoves, washers, dryers, and refrigerators
Old tools (value increases when you clean them before scrapping)
Electronic scrap such as computer systems, cables, circuit boards, and wires
Vehicles (any condition) and their parts
What are the latest scrap metal prices?
Prices can fluctuate daily. To get the latest prices, you can use an app like iScrap or contact your local scrap yard directly.
How do scrap yards work?
When you take metal to a scrap yard, the first thing they'll do is weigh it. Depending on the size of your haul, they may use a small or large scale. Your payout is determined by the type of metal and its weight. It helps to know what kind of metal you are scrapping, but if you donโt, the workers at the scrap yard will sort through your metal to determine the type.
What do scrap yards pay the most for?
Some of the most valuable items include: metals like aluminum, copper, brass, lead, stainless steel, and iron.
A few years ago, I went out a couple of times with a divorced dad whose daughter happens to be the same age as mine. We spent our first date talking about our kids and the challenges of parenting โ and realizing we have a lot in common.
For example, we both feel perfectly satisfied having spent our upbringings attending mediocre public schools, running around the neighborhood on weekends, and watching TV on school nights. Yet we stress about getting our kids into the right kindergarten and constantly schlep our unappreciative preschoolers to museums and They Might Be Giants concerts.
โWhatโs up with that?โ we both wondered aloud. I liked this guy. But when he started in on his daughterโs former ballet career, I was a goner. โThat class was the best hour of my entire week,โ he said, glowing. โI could not get enough of these 3-year-old girls trying so hard to be little ballerinas. It was the cutest thing in the world.โ Awkward silence. It was my turn to speak, but instead I was staring. I was staring not at his gym-toned shoulders or adorable, open smile. I was staring at him.
Hereโs what you should know about dating a single dad:
Check out a dating app. This is the easiest, cheapest way to get your mojo back, and get a feel for what is happening out there. All you need to do is connect with one cute guy to get that spark going again.
Online dating is one of the best things in the world for single moms โ time and money efficient, and you can even do a background check a guy before you go out with him!
Are you hanging out at the playground? Maybe the local pool, or on the sidelines of soccer practice and choir concerts? In other words โ youโre spending time being a parent. And where there are parents, there are other parents. And where there are parents, there are single parents. And where there are single parents, there are divorced dads. And some of them are hot.
Iโve noticed a steep spike in the number of good-looking, interesting-seeming fathers without wedding rings at all of the above locations in my neighborhood and the soccer league my kids play in. Part of this scene is that the older kids get, the older marriages are. And statistically, that means more divorce.
Sad? Yes.
A delicious constant supply of fresh meat to your single-mom dating pool? You betcha!
As for me, not gonna lie: Iโve found myself flirting with dads from time to time. The next time you decide โ in an effort to stay awake during your sonโs flute recital โ to peruse the auditorium and spot a cute dude, by himself, with a naked left-ring finger, hereโs what to do:
1. Hang out nearby. I mean, donโt be weird. But find a reason to get up in that. Say, encourage your kid to ride the same merry-go-round, or belly up to the same doughnut-and-coffee table after the play. Remember: If you feel awkward as a single parent in a married-parent world, he does, too. Youโre doing him a favor.
2. Be friendly. But normal. Donโt be aggressive โ dudes hate that. Try smiling. Seriously, that is huge. Just smile at him.
3. Say something about the kids. After all, that is the only thing you definitely have in common at this point. Itโs OK if itโs boring. Face it, most talk about kids is mind-numbing. Try: โWhereโs your kid go to daycare?โ or โDo you rent or own your flute?โ 5 tips for dating after divorce
4. Let him know youโre single. After all, at this point youโre not 100% sure he is, too. The most natural way is to talk to your kids about daddyโs house. Kids with married parents donโt have a daddyโs house. โDaddyโs houseโ is golden code for: โIโm divorced, and I really, really, really hope you are, too.โ
Try: โNope, no ice cream. Youโre going to eat dinner soon at daddyโs house,โ or โWhen youโre at daddyโs house I am going to be spending long days in bed with โ sorry, what was your name again? โ right, with this nice man, Chad.โ
5. Embrace the moment. Ok, youโve established youโre both single parents. AWESOME! Seize on this moment. Within a single second you have confirmed youโre both members of the same secret club with its own language, horrors and, well, more horrors. Itโs like you are instantaneous war buddies. Except better, because you didnโt kill anyone and itโs perfectly legal for you to have sex with each other during wartime.
6. Keep smiling. So now youโre having a really fantastic conversation about retainer fees and visitation schedules that no one else by the swingset could possibly understand. Thatโs nice. But smiling means flirting. Do that.
7. Stop smiling. The part where he starts to tear up talking about how much he misses his kids? Act sad at those parts.
8. Time to go! You leave first. Old-fashioned, throw-back to The Rules of the 90s. Trust me on this one.
9. Be cool, but direct. โWe should hang out sometime.โ Smile. But not weird. Exchange phone numbers.
10. Collect your kids. Get out of there before they act like assholes and undo all your handiwork.
Ready to try online dating? Read why you should try eharmony.
Is it hard for single dads to date?
Since the majority of single dads have their kids the minority of time, it is easier from a scheduling point of view for many single dads to date. That said, some will argue that their high child support obligations mean they have fewer dollars and less time because they have to work so much to pay support.
Most of the men I date are dads, and that is by design. Of course, itโs practical to date other parents. Everyoneโs lifestyle is similar. Because moms and dads tend to be less cool than the general population, there are lower expectations to carry on a conversation about indy film, the hottest dumpling joint or world travel.
But mostly I gravitate toward men who are fathers because of just that โ theyโve gone through that colossal metamorphosis that only parenthood induces. There is a warmth and wholeness that men without children rarely possess.
Good news is that a lot of men want to date single moms (if youโre one of them, here is my advice to you).
If youโre a mom looking to meet quality men for a relationship, love and marriage (and how to get over your ex already), here is my advice to you.
How do single dads cope with dating? What to expect dating a single dad
Elliott Katz, single dad of two daughters in Toronto, and author of Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man:
As a single dad, I look for someone who will be supportive of my parenting efforts and doesnโt see my commitment to my children as taking attention away from her.
I also look for someone who is self-supporting. Few single dads I know are looking for more dependents. I also look for someone who doesnโt badmouth her ex. That negativity is a downer.
What a single dad wants in a relationship
David Bakke, single dad of one son in Atlanta, and an online entrepreneur, says:
I donโt want to be rushed, as in Iโm not dying to get in the sack with a woman and Iโd very much like to get to know you first (this is quite a departure from my younger days, but itโs true).
You having kids would be nice because it would make the interactions with myself and my child that much easier if my kid had someone to bond with, but itโs not a requirement. If you donโt have kids, you need to be able to be comfortable around them.
Finally, I need complete honesty, as in I donโt care if your past is checkered, I just need to know about it. And if you have any extreme thoughts on anything important, whether it be politics, religion, or anything else, a heads up would be much appreciated.
If you're a single mom โ and even if you aren't โ there are a lot of benefits of dating a single dad:
There are no surprises when it comes to single dads dating
Another perk: you know what youโre getting. A manโs parenting profile is about as transparent of a resume as youโll find. We can spend all day scrutinizing the way a guy dresses, how he orders his food or how long it takes him to text us after sleeping with us for the first time. But the best measure of his character, personality and partnership potential is who he is as a father.
Iโve met many men whose displays of parenting were aphrodisiacal. One divorced dad charmed me with tales of co-writing childrenโs books with his tween daughter with whom he regularly makes sushi, while another โ an artist who took me to his latest exhibit โ proudly showed me spots on canvas where heโd invited his son to take liberty with the paintbrush.
Divorced dads do amazing things for their kids โ and thatโs hot
I went out a couple times with a guy struggling with his troubled teenage son who suddenly came to live with him full-time after a decade of being an out-of-state parent. He was reluctant to share details, but I was touched by the glimpse of a tenderhearted man doing his best in an impossible parenting conundrum โ alone.
Itโs these mentions of parental self-doubt, or fighting with exes for shared custody, or pride in a kidโs candid insights that showcase what kind of man a guy is โ and what it might like to be with him.
While out for dinner with one adoring father a few months back, I confessed that I am a wimp at bedtime, often caving to my kidsโ stalling antics.
โNot me,โ he said. โI say good night, and thatโs it. I donโt care how much they cry.โ Impressed, I asked where that steel came from. โI donโt give a FUCK,โ he said. โThatโs my time, and they need to go to bed.โ Again, I was speechless. I may have uncrossed, then recrossed my legs.
A guy who makes his kids his priority may not have all the time in the world for you โ and since you already have a full life, that can be a great thing. Nothing worse than a bored, needy man demanding all your time and attention.
When a happy single dads makes time for you, you know that will be quality time that he carved out of his dynamic life โ a life you can benefit from in countless ways.
Single dads are more likely not to want any more kids
If that is also your goal, then these single dads can be a great fit for single moms.
Benefits of dating a single dad, from real single moms:
“They plan activities that include the kids.”
“They understand the responsibilities and schedule constraints of being a single parent. It's also good because you can parent vent to them and they understand.”
“They understand the unpredictability of raising kids so if something comes up unexpectedly, they donโt get all bent outta shape if you have to reschedule or cancel.”
“They have the same single parent dilemmas.”
“They are more mature, responsible, and usually more accepting of your personal priorities such as kids/work. They often crave more stable relationships and know how to balance family responsibilities along with the rest of their lives.”
“They can relate to the responsibilities of parenting!”
“If youโre on the same or a similar custody schedule, you can truly devote your time to each other on your off time to really get to know each other, and heโll understand when youโre busy during custody time. And then you can slowly introduce your kids to each other when you both feel itโs appropriate. He should also be more understanding when family circumstances arise out of the blue and you need to pivot.”
“They don't want all of your time – they have their own commitments and responsibilities and (the good ones) are great about understanding and respecting yours, as well.”
“They are presumably busy with kids, job, and extracurriculars so they wonโt smother you too soon.”
“I think it is more likely they will be your people. Like have very similar wants and needs as a single mother. You go into a relationship wanting compatibility and generally if you are similar-it is more likely to happen.”
“I was actually set against dating anymore single dads due to parenting differences, custody schedules and conflicts etc. and then I met the guy Iโm currently dating. Single dad, he is so kind, patient, considerate and helpful. Iโm thankful for all the shitheads I had to go through to get to this one because I appreciate him so much. He is the epitome of teamwork and I couldnโt ask for a better partner.”
Challenges of dating single dads
They have kids, so might not have as much time as you may desire
There may be drama with his ex
Kids are expensive โ so he may not have a lot of extra money
He may want to take the relationship slow โ not a bad thing!
Because single dads typically have minority time with their kids, they can feel like that time is so precious, and are inflexible about the weekends or days they have parenting time.
PSA: Dads are just like other dudes, except that they have kids that they actually know about!
A few tips for dating single dads that may apply, though of course every dad is unique:
Be respectful of his time with his kids. He may be happy to hire a sitter to see you, or he may covet that time with his kids, and you have to work around it. Defer to him.
Be mindful that if he doesnโt have his kids 50% of the time, that may not be his choice. Family courts arenโt fair.
Heโs the parent โ not you. If and when you were to blend families, then you can have discussions on parenting styles and compromises. Until then, he decides how the kids will be punished, etc.
That said, it is OK for you to respectfully express your feelings about how your time together is managed, and anything in the new family dynamic that bothers you. In other words: He doesnโt get any more say in the relationship than you do just because he has kids.
Final tip for dating single dads: Have fun!
Is it hard for single dads to date?
Since the majority of single dads have their kids the minority of time, it is easier from a scheduling point of view for many single dads to date. That said, some will argue that their high child support obligations mean they have fewer dollars and less time because they have to work so much to pay support.
Why date a divorced dad?
It's practical to date other parents. Everyone's lifestyle is similar. Because moms and dads tend to be less cool than the general population, there are lower expectations to carry on a conversation about indy film, the hottest dumpling joint or world travel.
Is it hard for a single dad to date?
Since the majority of single dads have their kids the minority of time, it is easier from a scheduling point of view for many single dads to date.
