Breakups are hard. You invest so much time and energy into another person, only to cut them out of your life completely.
If you have a somewhat amicable breakup, it might be tempting to try to stay friends with an ex. But is that a really good idea?
We spoke to experts and people who’ve been there to find out:
- Is being friends with an ex a good idea?
- Why an ex would want to be friends
- Why you might want to make a clean break
- When can you stay friends with an ex?
Is being friends with an ex a good idea?
Being friends with an ex is a largely personal decision, and there are also varying levels of friendship.
A study in the Journal of the International Association of Relationship Research1 found that people usually want to stay friends with an ex-partner for four main reasons:
- Security
- Practicality
- Civility
- Unresolved romantic desires
The study found that people who remained friends with an ex for reasons of security and practicality were more likely to form a successful friendship.
Below are some of the pros and cons of continuing a friendship with your ex:
Should you be friends with an ex? Some say yes
Lisa Lawless is a clinical psychotherapist based in Bend, Ore., with more than 20 years of experience in clinical psychology, relationship therapy, and sexual health. She says exes can form a friendship if they are able to provide emotional support with healthy boundaries.
“Because they are familiar with you, an ex can offer insights and communicate with you in a way that enriches your life,” Lawless says. Shared friends and interests are another reason you might want to stay connected.
Lawless says these circumstances can make a successful transition from dating to friendship more likely:
- Breakup was mutual
- You were friends before you were involved romantically
- You have both given yourselves time and space to heal and have closure
Emily Taffel-Cohen, a publicist from Pompano Beach, Fla., says staying friends with her ex has been a positive experience. After she and her partner dated for three years, they were able to transition into a friendship, which has lasted for 10 years.
“You have a level of intimacy that can make for a stronger friendship,” she says. “You also don’t lose all the personal jokes and shared memories like you usually do when breaking up.”
These people on Reddit shared their positive experiences of being friends with an ex:
Should you be friends with an ex? Others say no
Lawless says there are also cases where you shouldn’t try to remain friends with an ex — for instance when you know you’ll be bringing emotional baggage to the friendship.
“Lingering feelings, jealousy, or unresolved issues from your past romantic ties can make it challenging to maintain a healthy friendship and keep you from moving on and fully healing,” she says.
Plus, staying friends with an ex might put unnecessary strain on future romantic relationships and contribute to jealousy by a new partner or mixed feelings from you or your ex.
She says these are two signs you shouldn’t try to form a friendship:
- Either of you has unresolved feelings
- There was emotional or physical abuse or unhealthy dynamics such as manipulation or codependency
If your motive for staying friends with an ex is the hope that you’ll get back together in the future, you should reconsider being friends, says Robert Mack of Santa Monica, Calif., who served as a Celebrity Love Coach on shows like “Famously Single” on the E! Network and “Mind Your Business” on the OWN Network.
“It’s preventing both of you from getting out into the world and exploring other romantic relationships or other relationships of any kind,” Mack says.
Take Rina Patel, an artist from Issaquah, Wash., tried to stay friends with her ex but eventually realized it was too hard to relinquish her feelings.
“It was my idea to stay friends because I was just not ready to give him up completely, especially after sharing some of my most intimate experiences with him,” Patel says.
However, it did not work out when she realized she couldn’t watch him have a relationship with his new girlfriend. Read more about Patel’s story below.
These people on Reddit shared the reasons they couldn’t continue being friends with an ex:
Buzzfeed put together a video that shows the expectations vs. realities of dating an ex:
Why would an ex want to be friends?
Cutting the cord with someone you shared intimate and fun memories with is hard — and it’s part of why staying friends with an ex is so appealing.
Lawless says these are some reasons you might want to stay friends with an ex:
- Shared history and emotional support
- Interconnected social circles (friends and/or families)
- Common interests
- Shared children and pets
- Business ventures
- Shared hobbies
- Unique compatibility
If there are kids involved in the relationship — whether you share a child with your ex or your ex was close with your children — becoming friends after your breakup or divorce might seem like the best way to create a stable and supportive environment.
However, being friends with an ex isn’t the only way to successfully co-parent. For instance, you can have an amicable co-parenting relationship but not necessarily maintain a friendship with your ex. You can also consider a parallel parenting plan if you and your ex can’t get along.
Dr. Masica Jordan, a licensed counseling psychologist based in Mitchellville, Md., says being friends with a co-parent can sometimes help you avoid unnecessary conflict and tension.
“It is important to note, however, that maintaining a friendship with an ex-partner in these situations should still involve setting clear boundaries and communicating openly,” Jordan says.
Check out our list of co-parenting boundaries you need to know.
My ex wants to be friends. What should I do?
The first step is to evaluate whether or not you want to be friends, and to what extent. If you don’t want to be friends, do not feel pressured into maintaining a friendship.
If you are considering a friendship, Lawless recommends taking a period of time to grieve the loss of your romantic relationship.
“It is vital that you allow one another space and privacy to prevent lingering feelings or unresolved issues that may interfere with your new friendship,” she says.
Lawless also offers this advice for being friends with an ex:
- Keep things platonic: Steer clear of behavior that confuses your friendship, such as reminiscing about your romantic connection, flirting, or discussing intimate details of a new partnership. Blurring the lines of friendship will only cause challenges in current romantic relationships for you both or, at the very least, keep you from moving forward.
- Aim for clear communication: Be honest with one another about your feelings, intentions, and concerns to establish healthy boundaries and create trust in your friendship going forward.
- Focus on mutual interests: Your friendship should be based on mutual interests rather than your past relationship. This focus will help you lay down a platonic foundation for your new friendship.
- Be supportive of new partners: Be respectful of additional new boundaries if your ex starts dating someone new and be prepared that your friendship may end if the new partner does not support your friendship.
- Decrease intimacy and sharing: Don't expect your ex to share as much with you as they did in the past.
- Make sure you have proper closure: Avoid casting blame, guilt, and shame onto one another, and let go of any past resentments. Once you have processed those issues and forgiven one another, you can move forward to build a supportive friendship.
Lawless says it’s also important to constantly evaluate your friendship as dynamics change and new people come into your lives. Just because an ex can remain friends with you at one point in your life does not mean they will always be able to fill that role.
“You may find that you both drift apart and go down different paths based on your individual needs,” Lawless says.
She says you should keep checking in with yourself — and your ex — to determine if this friendship is the right choice for you.
If you determine that being friends with an ex is not a good idea, she offers this advice to help you move on:
- Stay away from your ex's social media
- Avoid isolating yourself, which can lead to loneliness and depression
- Engage in things that make you happy with friends and family who love you
- Avoid focusing on your past and replaying it in your mind
“Remember, the present is a gift, and you don't want to miss it by spending time living in thoughts that may elicit feelings of regret, sadness, and resentment,” Lawless says.
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Why one woman decided to make a clean break from her ex
Rinal Patel, 38, broke things off with her ex of two years due to long distance.
“I never stopped loving him, but there was no point dragging out the process since the distance between us would eventually cause us to break up,” Patel says.
She at first suggested they stay friends because she wasn’t ready to give up on their relationship.
“There was no way I could ever simply just walk past him in the street without saying anything to him, and I knew I couldn’t bear him ignoring me completely,” she says.
For the first two weeks, Patel and her ex constantly talked, as if they were still together. But, slowly, he began distancing himself.
A few years later, she and her ex spent some time together when she was back in town, and she realized she still had feelings for him. Once her ex had a new girlfriend, Patel realized she could no longer continue with a friendship.
“It became increasingly difficult to watch him look at [his girlfriend] in the same way he used to look at me,” Patel says.
She saw no point in staying close, when she still had feelings for him that he wasn’t reciprocating.
“As an optimist, I believe in seeing the best in every situation,” Patel says. “Though I will strongly advise against being friends with an ex, I will advise those who try to set boundaries.”
Being friends with an ex FAQs
Thinking about dating an ex? Experts answer your most asked questions:
Is it a red flag to be friends with an ex?
Not necessarily, Lawless says. “In fact, it can be a sign of high emotional intelligence, depending on the dynamics.”
However, if there are unresolved feelings, poor boundaries, jealousy, toxicity, or ulterior motives in a friendship with an ex, that is a red flag.
This is what people on Reddit had to say:
Should I call my ex?
If you’re thinking about calling your ex, Lawless says you should ask yourself if it will cause a conflict of interest for you in your life.
“Determining if it will inhibit your personal growth, cause problems with a new partner, or foster an unhealthy dynamic where there is jealousy or the friendship is one-sided is essential,” she says.
How do I respond when my ex blocked me on everything?
It’s hurtful to have someone you once loved block you from communication, and unfortunately, there’s not much you can do.
“If someone’s blocked you, that’s as good an indication as any that they don’t want to talk with you,” Mack says.
If that happens, the best thing you can do is to honor their boundaries and try to move on.
Is it hard getting over an ex?
Yes, it can be hard to get over an ex. Having an emotional attachment to a partner, especially if it is long-term or intense, can be challenging to let go, Lawless says.
“Breakups impact our routines, making us feel lost even doing small things in our daily life,” she says. Plus, it is quite common to reflect on a relationship with rose-colored glasses — remembering only the good times and glossing over the difficulties — which can make it difficult to move on and cause people to hope for reconciliation.
Lawless says when someone breaks up with us, it can heavily weigh on our sense of self-worth and make it difficult to feel we can move on or be of interest to someone new. It can be just as challenging when we break up with someone, since we may feel guilt and sadness for our ex-partner and miss aspects of the relationship.
Lawless says shared social circles affected by the breakup can compound those feelings of loss and loneliness.
If you are trying to help a friend through a breakup or divorce, we put together some helpful things to say.
When can you stay friends with an ex?
Staying friends with an ex is a personal decision that will depend on your circumstances, as well as emotional maturity.
Lawless says you may be able to stay friends with an ex if your breakup was mutual, you were friends before you dated, and you have both had time and space to move on from the relationship.
People on Reddit claim these things need to be true for a successful transition into friendship:
- You are both completely “over” the relationship (i.e. neither of you is hoping to get back together)
- You are able to respect and maintain boundaries with your ex/not continue treating them like a partner
- You can handle your ex dating someone else/respect the new relationship
SOURCES
- “Staying friends with ex-romantic partners: Predictors, reasons, and outcomes,” June 30, 2017. Journal of the International Association of Relationship Research. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/pere.12197
Being friends with an ex is a largely personal decision, and there are also varying levels of friendship.
Cutting the cord with someone you shared intimate and fun memories with is hard — and it’s part of why staying friends with an ex is so appealing.
Staying friends with an ex is a personal decision that will depend on your circumstances, as well as emotional maturity.
