How to find a divorce lawyer or mediator that you’ll like and trust

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If you’ve made up your mind and there’s no alternative but divorce, talking to at least a few lawyers is always a good idea. The first consultation is sometimes free, so you’ve got nothing to lose. And you can gain a lot of information during divorce lawyer interviews if you head into the conversation armed with the right questions.

Beyond information about the divorce process and perspective on your specific case, these consultations can give you excellent insight into the lawyer’s communication style and personality so you can get a good sense of whether you’ll be a fit. Divorce isn’t an easy process. You’ll be spending a lot of time with the lawyer you ultimately choose and sharing some of the most intimate details of your life with them – so it’s critical that you find a lawyer that you actually like. Even if you join the majority of divorcing couples and go for an uncontested divorce, an attorney’s expertise is useful.

If you can settle your divorce without going to court or spending tens of thousands of dollars, consider a quality online divorce platform.

If yours is an amicable divorce, consider working out the details between you and your spouse, and filing online. This post outlines the pros and cons of DIY divorce, as well as the best online divorce paper companies for free and cheap resources.

How do I choose a good divorce lawyer?

If you and your spouse are at deep odds, and are set on fighting over custody and money, you likely have to invest in a family lawyer.

A lawyer is also necessary when:

  • Your to-be ex is very abusive
  • A spouse has a severe addiction or mental health issue, and children are involved
  • There are complicated legal and financial matters, including large sums of money, family business, QDROs
  • You have considerable assets, and/or a jointly owned business
  • You have significant shared debt you need help separating
  • Your ex is fighting for primary or custody
  • There is a real risk your ex will abduct the children out of the county, state or country
  • You have agreed on all terms with your spouse, but need an attorney to review the terms, as well as help with the actual filing, and/or technical matters such as a QDRO.

Otherwise, a good divorce lawyer is one who is honest, transparent, and will help guide you during one of the most stressful times of your life. The best divorce lawyer for you is not necessarily one that will do what you want, but instead offer their expert advice based on what will help you thrive going forward, as well work effectively with your ex’s divorce attorney, as well as any judge, therapist, mediator or evaluator involved in your case.

Unsure of whether to pursue divorce? Pros and cons of divorce, and how to ask your husband or wife for a separation or divorce.

To find a good divorce attorney:

  • Ask around to people you trust and share sensibilities. Look for a divorce lawyer who is good at keeping costs and conflict low.
  • Google ‘divorce lawyer near me.’ Yelp and other reviews may be helpful.
  • Call around. Most attorneys will give you a free phone consultation — this gives you a sense of their personality and strategy and help you choose the best divorce attorney for you. Plus, these calls will educate you about the divorce process in the community in which you live. Also: it is free legal advice!

How to file for divorce 101 — the basics

Mediated divorce

Divorce mediation is a process that allows couples to meet with a specially-trained, neutral third-party to work through all the issues related to dissolving the marriage, dividing assets, and the time, financial and logistical ways of co-parenting of any children.

By keeping conflict low now, mediated divorce can help facilitate a healthy co-parenting relationship long-term.

Divorce mediation can be conducted by a specially trained therapist or counselor, a family attorney who has gone through special education, or a professional, certified mediator.

The benefits of meditation include lower stress, lower cost, and faster time period than involving multiple lawyers and court proceedings.

If you work with a mediator who is not also a family lawyer, you may want to or need to also hire an attorney to review and file the papers. Some affordable online divorce services can work well in this situation.

Mediation is a good choice for couples who:

  • Realize they have issues to work through before they can come to a settlement agreement, and are not capable of doing that without support
  • Are generally healthy people committed to amicably resolving their divorce
  • Are committed to staying out of court

Related: Should you sell your engagement ring (or wedding band)?

Are divorce mediators lawyers?

A divorce mediator can be a lawyer, but a law degree or license is not required for an individual to practice divorce mediation. Family lawyers, family therapists, counselors, and financial planners or advisors can all act as divorce mediators. If your divorce mediator is not a lawyer, that’s fine! 

How long does it take to get divorced with a mediator?

Just as no two marriages are 100% alike, every divorce is unique in its own ways. Couples with a lot of assets to divide or who have a hard time agreeing on child custody may find that mediation takes longer than couples with simpler finances, or who are splitting on friendlier terms.

That being said, in simpler cases, mediation can often be accomplished over the course of three to six sessions, which are typically spread out over about a month. 

How much do divorce mediators make?

Divorce mediator fees vary by a number of factors, including location and experience, but typically fall in the ballpark of $100 and $300 per hour. It’s possible to pay for half-day or full-day sessions, which can be less expensive compared to paying hourly for a mediator.

Do I need a divorce mediator?

Whether or not you work with a divorce mediator — vs hiring an attorney, or working it out between the two of you — is a personal decision. 

Sometimes a judge or court may order you to go through mediation (called court-ordered mediation). If you fail to comply with court-ordered mediation you can be found in contempt of court, at which point you may face a court fine and even potentially detention. 

Can I refuse divorce mediation?

Yes. If your spouse wants a mediated divorce but you don’t, you can refuse mediation. The only time that mediation is required is if it is court-ordered. 

What happens if my spouse refuses mediation?

The whole point behind divorce mediation is to allow you and your spouse to come to an agreement about the terms of the divorce so that you don’t need to involve the courts. But you can only reach an agreement if both of you are committed to finding common ground. If your spouse refused mediation, pursuing a collaborative divorce may be another, lower-conflict option. 

Is divorce mediation a good idea?

If both you and your spouse are committed to finding common ground, then divorce mediation can be an excellent means of divorcing. But divorce mediation doesn’t always work. It’s important to understand that mediation can fail, at which point you will need to contact a divorce attorney. 

5 tips for a quick divorce

Pros and cons of divorce mediation

The pros of devorce mediation include:

  • Quicker resolution (usually)
  • Lower costs
  • Less stress because you are making a conscious decision to work together — and not leaving your future up to a judge
  • A better post-divorce relationship with your soon-to-be-ex spouse, which can be especially helpful if you have children
  • More privacy, as divorce mediation is private, while court is public

Potential cons of divorce mediation include:

  • If negotiations fail, then mediation can end up being a waste of money and time
  • Divorce mediators cannot give you legal advice, as a divorce lawyer can
  • If your spouse is hiding assets from you, a mediator has no way of uncovering these assets
  • Issues of domestic violence or abuse are typically not suited to mediation
  • Mediation does not guarantee a fair outcome; it just helps you and your spouse come to an agreement

How to co-parent peacefully with even the most toxic ex

Collaborative divorce

Collaborative divorce is a relatively new practice, that is gaining popularity.

In a collaborative divorce, each party has their own attorney. It is critical to choose a divorce lawyer who is specially trained in collaborative divorce. In collaborative divorce, both the spouses as well as their divorce attorneys sign an agreement that commits them to the collaborative process. This includes:

  • All parties are committed to resolving the divorce without going to court
  • Spouses are forthcoming with documents and information, including income, tax and investments
  • Should either spouse choose to move the case to court, the attorneys cannot continue working on the case.

These rules of collaborative divorce incentivize all parties to play fair, negotiate and stay away from the expense and stress of litigation.

Similar to a mediated divorce, collaborative divorce can help both parties understand one another, set a healthy stage for positive co-parenting into the future.

One of the first co-parenting apps, and widely used app, OurFamilyWizard, which features chat, information storage (like pediatrician and teacher contact info, prescriptions, etc.), and financial record-keeping. 30-day free trial,  discounts for military families, and a program to provide OurFamilyWizard free to low-income families. Each parent can add unlimited numbers of other people for free, including children, grandparents, step and bonus parents, as well as attorneys.

Try OurFamilyWizard for free for 30 days now >>

Read OurFamilyWizard review on >>

Collaborative divorce vs. mediation: What is the difference?

Both collaborative divorce and mediated divorce are lower-conflict, amicable ways  spouses can come to an agreement on the terms of a divorce without going to court. The primary difference is that a mediated divorce is handled by a single third-party mediator, who guides the discussion in order to facilitate an agreement, while a collaborative divorce involves both spouses hiring divorce attorneys, who negotiate for their client under an agreement that the case will not go to court. If either party does decide to go to court, both spouses must hire new new attorneys — which adds considerable cost and time to the case.

The mediator is concerned with helping both spouses come to an agreement. Collaborative  lawyers’ goal is to help you achieve fair terms of your divorce without going to court.  

How much does it cost for a collaborative divorce?

The price of a collaborative divorce is typically lower than going to court, but more expensive than a mediator (since there are two attorneys, opposed to one mediator, who tend to charge less than a lawyer). How quickly you and your spouse come to an agreement, the individual rates of each of your divorce lawyers, and whether or not you need to bring in other professionals (such as a family counselor, child specialist, financial professionals, etc.) can all affect the final cost. That being said, by some estimates, a collaborative divorce can cost around quarter to half of what you might expect to pay for a traditional litigated divorce.

This video from HelloDivorce‘s Erine Levine offers helpful insights:

If you decide to look for a divorce attorney, here are some questions to consider:

Questions to ask prospective divorce lawyers before you hire one

1. What is your approach to the divorce process?

Each divorce lawyer you speak to should have a slightly different answer to this. Sure, the divorce process is the same, in terms of paperwork, but your lawyer’s approach will differ. This open-ended question will give you some insight into the strategies they might employ to get you to the finish line. Some lawyers run to court for every little thing in a divorce. The best divorce attorneys will keep you out of court — or minimize court time if your ex keeps filing.

If that does/doesn’t feel right to you, ask how often they typically find themselves in court during the divorce process. Are you anticipating a heated child custody battle, a big argument over property, or something else? Ask your lawyer how they’ve helped clients reach an acceptable outcome when they’ve worked in similar situations in the past. This article, This is why you need a strategy for your divorce, might also help prepare you for this conversation.

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2. Can you describe your ideal client?

This question will help you understand what you can do to be a great client. Not that you wouldn’t be, but look – you don’t know what you don’t know unless you ask. This is likely your first divorce. Getting insights from a prospective lawyer about what makes a good client is a great way to get clued in about when to sit tight and relax and trust the process. And, understanding what qualities each attorney likes in their favorite type of client will help you see whether you’d be a good fit to work with them, or not.

3. How often should I expect to hear from your office, and what’s the best way for me to reach you when I have questions?

The best way to find out how frequently your lawyer connects with their clients is to ask. If you’re an e-mail junkie and detest interaction by phone (or vice versa), make that clear. If you want regular face-to-face meetings to discuss your case, a video conference, or messaging through a platform that is extra secure, make that clear.

Lay out your expectations for communication up front. Remember: this is your divorce. You get to be picky about who helps you through it and how often you check in with your legal help.

4. How will I be updated on the status of my case?

Many lawyers are incorporating technology into their practices – which is a good thing for you. It keeps the process more transparent, letting you follow along at each step. As you interview attorneys, ask if their office uses technology like Clio, MyCase, or other case management software that you can also use to message your attorney, review your filed documents and track the status of your case.

5. Now that you know the details of my case, do you see any red flags? Any areas where my case could go off track?

This is a good chance to get help thinking ten steps ahead. After you’ve laid out the path that led you to pursue divorce and shared the outcome you’re hoping to achieve after your divorce is final, ask the lawyer where they’ve seen things going off the rails in similar cases they’ve worked on.

What red flags did your story raise for them? What questions is the lawyer asking you about your situation? This question is your chance to 1) make sure they’ve been hearing you and 2) get insights that could help keep your divorce process moving along without surprises, 3) choose the best divorce attorney for you.

6. How much does it cost to retain a divorce attorney?

Depending on where you live, the experience of the attorney, and other factors, expect to pay in the range of $150 to $500 per hour. Most attorneys require you pay a retainer — or a sum of money up-front against which their hourly rate is billed. Depending on the complexity of your case, and the individual attorney’s own policies, a retainer can range from $2,000 to $30,000 or more.

This question is especially important if you’re concerned about your financial situation. It will be helpful to know whether there are options, such as monthly payments or a payment up-front and at the end. If you’re not sure you can afford the lawyer you like, ask about their process of helping clients pay divorce lawyer fees out of the marital estate, rather than just out of your pocket. A lawyer who wants to work with you will help you find a way to afford their services and might offer options – like working more closely with a paralegal during the bulk of the process – to help you keep costs down.

Money-saving tip: Find out if your lawyer has staff (preferably a trained paralegal). You can cut down significantly on fees by forming a relationship with team members who bill at a lower hourly rate.

Taking all of this into account, I want you to remember one thing: this is your divorce. You get to choose who helps you through it. That’s why I highly recommend interviewing at least two to three divorce lawyers before selecting one. Don’t let anyone pressure you into working with them, either. This process is going to get harder before it gets easier, so it’s important that the lawyer by your side – the lawyer who is going to be learning a lot about the inner workings of your marriage, your finances, and more – is someone that you trust, respect, and actually like.

If you’re in the market for legal assistance but want to save money, consider an online lawyer, or company like Rocket Lawyer.

17 things to ask for in a divorce

Questions to ask prospective divorce mediators before you hire one

Don’t be shy about interviewing any professional you hire to help with your divorce. If you are considering hiring a divorce mediator, here are some questions to ask …

What is your background and education? Do you have special certifications in mediation?

Formal training is just one indication of a mediator’s ability — or whether they are a fit for your family. It may be important that you work with an attorney, or may find that a counselor is a more natural fit for your style. Perhaps you prioritize lots of formal training, or not at all. You may be impressed by mediators who have advocated for mediation requirements in local courts, or perform pro bono legal work in their field.

Some trained mediators may not be attorneys but work closely with divorce lawyers who can fill in tasks like writing a divorce agreement and filing the paperwork.

How much will divorce mediation cost?

Mediators typically charge by the hour. Ask about up-front costs, any retainers, what filing fees or any other expenses, so you are not caught off-guard. Ask what the average total cost of mediating a divorce is at the firm.

How much experience do you have?

If your divorce is simple and amicable, extensive experience may not be a requirement for hiring a divorce mediator. However, you may feel more comfortable if your mediator has a long track record, or works in tandem with a senior mediator who can support a more junior mediator.

How do you typically work with clients? What is your mediation strategy?

As with the other questions, these answers will give you a sense of whether this mediator is a good fit for you, and what you might expect working with you. Look for someone who is patient in explaining their methodology, puts you at ease, is helpful in answering your questions, and expresses genuine interest in helping your family move through this difficult time with ease.

How did you come to be a mediator? Why did you choose this work?

This is the professional’s chance to express their passion and commitment for helping families, advocating for better courts and divorces, and telling you about themselves as people.

How successful are you in keeping couples out of court?

This might be the greatest sign of success!

Divorce mediators vs. divorce lawyers

In general, a divorce mediator is committed to resolving the end of your marriage quickly, affordably, and with low drama. This is a great option for most couples.

Divorce attorneys are necessary in cases where one or both parties are committed to fighting, cases in where a spouse or children are in danger at the hands of abuse, addiction or severe mental illness.

A mediator or divorce lawyer can be helpful in conjunction with an online divorce you do yourself.


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Do you feel guilty for divorcing a nice guy? founder Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, activist and author. A former Associated Press reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has appeared on CNBC, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, NPR, TIME, The Doctors, Elle, O, The Oprah Magazine. Winner of Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web” and a New York Observer “Most Eligible New Yorker," her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was a New York Post Must Read. A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Emma's Top Single Mom Resources.


Emma, I really appreciate your tips for choosing a reputable divorce attorney. My best friend is going through a divorce right now and wants to hire the best attorney for her case. I love how you recommend telling the lawyer about your communication expectations right away to make sure they can work with your needs. I will be sure to pass these tips along to my friend.

Thanks for mentioning that speaking to a few lawyers is a good idea if you and your spouse have decided that divorce is the only alternative. My sister is thinking of hiring a divorce attorney because she’s considering separating from her husband due to irreconcilable differences. It seems like a good idea to consider hiring a reputable professional that can help with the divorce process so it can go as smoothly as possible.

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