Recently a mom emailed me:
I feel so guilty for leaving my marriage. My husband is a really, really nice guy. He is a great dad, loves me a lot, has a good career. There was nothing really wrong with our marriage. I just didn't love him any more and wanted out.
Now, our divorce is almost finalized, and we have all been so devastated — especially our kids. Now they have to schlep back and forth between two homes, go through the pain of having divorced parents, my ex is devastated, his parents and our friends are devastated, and we are both poorer having to support two homes. Even the dog looses since she stayed with me and misses her ‘dad'!
Of course I am very sad about all of this, but I just could not be married to him any more. We are not intellectual or professional peers — I am growing a digital business I am passionate about, while he is 100% content in his middle-management corporate job with good benefits.
I stopped being sexually attracted to him years ago, even though he is still a very handsome and fit man. Instead, I find myself fantasizing about and/or flirting with men in my professional circles who are mentally stimulating to me, understand my career and creative drive and ignite in me something I think I never experienced with my husband — deep, feminine PASSION (some of these guys are fat or old or not handsome — and I still find them so, so sexy!). These are men who jibe with my own growing social circle of equally driven and creative people — people who my husband never really connected with or felt comfortable around (even though, in all his decency and devotion to me, was always kind to and made an effort for).
I don't have any commitment to any of these men, but simply feeling that way around them made me realize that by staying in my marriage. I am missing out on something I deeply crave and long to nurture. Now, on the other side of my marriage, I see that I may not ever find that kind of romantic connection that I crave, and I may be lonely. I see those I love most suffering because of this decision, and I am left feeling selfish, guilty and all-around rotten.
In short: I wanted the divorce — so why do I feel so sad?
Listen to my Like a Mother episode on this topic:
I have heard many similar stories, all of which resonate on some level. I am glad I am not married to my ex, even if he is a good guy. Lots and lots of reasons, including some mentioned above by my emailer. But there are times when we are getting along, when we are chatting like old friends at the kids' T-ball game, the kids are exhausted from schlepping back and forth between our apartments, I remember all his good qualities and all the benefits of marriage, and I think:
Can't we just be adults and make it work? Can't we just agree not to fight any more? Be in one home, be practical, get over this trite, adolescent notion of forever soulful romantic love, have no expectations your husband will fulfill you and just be realistic already – FOR THE KIDS' SAKE?
Then he will blame me for my kid tripping in the hallway of my apartment and getting a bloody boo-boo on his head, or cancel a visit with the kids last-minute because he wants to see a concert and all those cozy notions are thrown out the window quicker than a Las Vegas divorce.
Maybe it means I'm selfish. Maybe it means I can't control my anger. Maybe it means I am a indulgent adolescent artist, but I don't want to be married to my ex-husband so I am not married to my ex-husband. We were great together in many ways, but we also bring out the worst in one another — something that neither of us are committed to overcoming. Also: I just don't want to be married to him.
Also, also: That is OK.
All these feelings are totally normal, even if they are conflicting. Sit with them all, and feel them all. They are all part of the grieving and healing and celebrating process that is a breakup or divorce.
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However, I see women get stuck on the divorce that they very much wanted and see the value in. Explicitly or implicitly, they feel guilty and that guilt holds them back?
“I want to divorce my husband but I feel guilty,” or “I wanted the divorce why am I sad?”
Is this you? Here is the answer:
You feel bad / guilty / ashamed because one or all of these:
- You ended a relationship that you committed to (broke your commitment), and the reasons are likely your own happiness
- Women are taught that our highest calling is to sacrifice for family and children. In other words, we are taught early on that our happiness is frivolous and selfish.
- We are told from all sides that children in single-mom homes suffer and are being punished for their parents inability to keep a marriage together. Mothers always take the blame for this nonsense.
- Wives are instructed to be the glue in a marriage — a straying husband, or unhappy husband, or frayed marriage is pegged on her letting herself go / not being attentive enough / being a bitch and nag / not good enough.
- You are legit grieving a relationship that once brought you great joy and comfort.
- You are legit grieving a relationship / dream / family that you very much wanted, that was part of a dream and a plan and an assumption about what your life would be — and no longer is.
- Even if on an unconscious level, you take on the sexist shaming of moms' sexuality. Any desire you may have to date, find romance, get laid, test the dating waters, poke around on a dating site — or be public with a man you are deeply in love with (and maybe cheated on with) — is met with a bountiful dose of society's madonna-whore complex when it comes to mothers: We are told that good mothers are virgins, and our children will shrivel in horror should they be subject to their mothers' expression of womanhood.
Again, all of this is normal. Work through your rotten feelings, and understand where they come from.
How divorce guilt holds moms back
Where feelings of guilt related to your divorce get messy, is when you hold yourself back in implicit and explicit ways. You stay stuck. Here are common ways women's divorce guilt keep them stuck.
Divorce guilt means you don't date / act weird about dating
PSA: Moms are women. Women are sexual, mature adults who need companionship, sex, and romance. Maybe you simply are not ready to date yet, and that is ok.
But are you not dating because of guilt? Do you feel like you don't deserve to be in love?
Do you feel weird to have a sex life with someone who is not your kids' dad?
Do your friends and family lay on the guilt about taking time away from the kids to date? Or worse — do they pressure you to hurry up and get married again while you are still young — and create a “real” family again for the sake of the kids?
Maybe you are dating, or even have a partner — but hide this part of yourself from your kids, shrouding that whole, very important part of yourself in shame — which I promise you: your kids pick up on this whether you think they do or not.
Here is what you will do:
- If you are not sure where to start, consider my video dating course How to Get Back Into Dating for Single Moms. I help you unpack all your crap around dating, and give you step-by-step instructions on getting back in the saddle — guilt-free.
- Poke around a online dating site. I'm also a fan of matchmaking services, especially for busy moms.
- Just get laid. Post-divorce sex is often mind-blowing. This is my experience, as well as that of thousands of women I have connected with. Dating apps are great for this. Or wink at that cute guy in your building — or ask a local mom for a referral. Trust me: good sex is not hard to find.
- Therapy can help (I'm a huge fan of online therapy, which comes with all the same benefits of regular therapy, but for a fraction of the price, and with the convenience of text, email, phone or video connection).
- Hang out with the right people. Maybe spend time with the funny gay guys at the gym, or join my closed Facebook group Millionaire Single Moms, where single mothers chat openly about allllll kinds of sexy things without an ounce of shame (the threads on anal sex always leave my jaw dropped), while also supporting moms struggling through guild and shame.
Divorce guilt means you hold on to a house you can't afford
Women can be weird about real estate, and there is a good reason why. We are conditioned to be the matron of the home, positioned to be responsible for creating a cozy home in which memories are created and stored for generations.
That is beautiful and possible for some people.
More likely, a house is a money pit that becomes a big-ass mistake in a divorce.
Ask any divorce attorney: Women fight tooth-and-nail to keep homes they cannot afford when they divorce.
A house is likely your biggest financial asset, and should be treated as such. When you divorce, and if you owned a home with your husband or partner, any equity in the home is likely communal property, and is to be split 50/50, typically with a sale. I'm a fan of HomeBay, a site that easily helps you sell your home for a tiny fraction of the typical 6% broker fee.
Instead, I see moms holding on to properties they can't afford in the name of:
- Shielding their children from the stress of moving house (fact: research finds that financial stress / poverty is the #1 biggest risk factor in divorce)
- Maintaining a lifestyle she believes she is entitled to / the couple sought while married (fact: you're not married to him! You need a new dream now!)
My advice in 95% of these situations: Take that money run!
- If you can't easily afford the house, you have no business being in it. You are now 100% responsible for your lifestyle and financial security. This is an incredible opportunity to set big goals and find success that you could not previously imagine. That is really hard if you struggle to pay a mortgage, taxes and utilities on your house.
- Cut ties to that old life. No matter your feelings about your relationship, and the end of it, it is imperative to accept that that relationship is over, and you owe it to yourself and your children to live in reality, and move forward to a new, hopefully more fulfilling life. New scenery is in order.
This article will help you decide whether to keep the house, or sell
Divorce guilt means you hold on to keepsakes you don't use
Legally, anything considered a gift in marriage is the property of the gifted — including any jewelry. I hear so many women who are really broke, or otherwise struggling to move on from divorce, also holding on to household items, furniture, an engagement ring or other things they do no use or enjoy for the sake of posterity.
My general rule: If you are not using it, it does not bring you joy, or otherwise serves as a dark reminder of unhappy times — get rid of it. And no: Your kids do not want your engagement ring. It represents a failed marriage, and likely heartache for them. They don't want that shit!
What do you do with this extra, guilt-free cash? Invest in making your life better!
- Invest any proceeds in a new home — one that is efficient, easy to care for, frees you up to build and enjoy other parts of your life.
- Invest in your retirement
- Invest in a new career or side gig. Read: Top paying 13 work-at-home careers for moms
- Or pay off debt. After all, bankruptcy in divorce is common.
How do you cope and get over guilt of divorce?
The best revenge is living your best life — and sometimes you need to take revenge on yourself.
What I mean is this: Today you feel all kinds of shame and guilt for wanting to leave your relationship. Fast-forward to next year and your life is incredible: You are in shape, feel great, dating a great guy (or dating a lot of guys), thriving in your career, your finances are shaping up and your kids are doing AMAZING.
All your fear and guilt around your divorce now have to contend with the facts. The fact is that you and your family are better since you divorced.
Stop arguing with yourself!
I have been divorced for close to 10 years now. Holy shit is my life a thousand times better than when I was married. I shudder at what my life would have looked like had we stayed together.
I want to explore my sexuality in a way that is impossible with him — and oh yeah I did.
I want to be with people who support my huge professional ambition and creative pursuits without competing — again, impossible with him.
I want to be with a man who easily forgives, and easily laughs, and easily picks up his dirty fucking clothes and just puts them in the hamper. Score!
I am thriving professionally in a way that I was impossible for me in that partnership. I am creatively free and fulfilled, which could not have happened in that marriage.
I just don't want to be married to him. End of story. I don't have to explain myself to anyone — including me!
The end of that relationship was painful for so many people. And being divorced is hard for him, me and my kids in lots of practical ways.
But the net result for all involved is positive. I am thriving and my very best self now — and I, my kids and those in my orbit benefit. Is that selfish? Adolescent? A mentality of post-feminist, navel-gazing Gen X/Y/millennials?
I don't fucking care.
I am glad for it.
And I free you to be glad for it, too.
Not quite there yet? Do these things now:
- Consider therapy with a company like BetterHelp. Read: BetterHelp online therapy review
- Focus on your own self-care.
- Hang out with people who get it, get you, and see happiness in you when you don't have the courage to see it yourself. Again: Millionaire Single Moms on Facebook.
- Decide that tomorrow you will wake up, the guilt will be less than the day before, and that it may take a long time for it to be 100% gone. That's cool.
- Find success stories about other thriving single moms. I have a bunch in my book, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin).
- Pay attention to how you identify yourself. You know those women who have been divorced for 30 years, and in the first 2 minutes of meeting someone new they unload that their husband left them for another woman / abused her / was living a double life / etc.? Don't be that woman. She has one identity: A victim of divorce. You are not her. You are an adult with full control of who you are and your happiness. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise: YOUR HAPPINESS IS CRITICAL.
Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, noted blogger, and bestselling author. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour, Oprah.com, U.S. News, Parenting, USA Today and others. Her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was named to the New York Post's ‘Must Read” list.
Emma regularly comments on issues of modern families, gender equality, divorce, sex and motherhood for outlets like CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine and The Doctors. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and a “Most Eligible New Yorker” by New York Observer.