Do you feel guilty for divorcing a really nice guy?

 

Recently a mom emailed me:

“I feel so guilty for leaving my marriage. My husband is a really, really nice guy. He is a great dad, loves me a lot, has a good career. There was nothing really wrong with our marriage. I just didn't love him any more and wanted out. Now, our divorce is almost finalized, and we have all been so devastated — especially our kids. Now they have to schlep back and forth between two homes, go through the pain of having divorced parents, my ex is devastated, his parents and our friends are devastated, and we are both poorer having to support two homes. Even the dog looses since she stayed with me and misses her ‘dad'!

Listen to my Like a Mother episode on this topic:

Of course I am very sad about all of this, but I just could not be married to him any more. We are not intellectual or professional peers — I am growing a digital business I am passionate about, while he is 100% content in his middle-management corporate job with good benefits. I stopped being sexually attracted to him years ago, even though he is still a very handsome and fit man. Instead, I find myself fantasizing about and/or flirting with men in my professional circles who are mentally stimulating to me, understand my career and creative drive and ignite in me something I think I never experienced with my husband — deep, feminine PASSION (some of these guys are fat or old or not handsome — and I still find them so, so sexy!). These are men who jibe with my own growing social circle of equally driven and creative people — people who my husband never really connected with or felt comfortable around (even though, in all his decency and devotion to me, was always kind to and made an effort for).

I don't have any commitment to any of these men, but simply feeling that way around them made me realize that by staying in my marriage. I am missing out on something I deeply crave and long to nurture. Now, on the other side of my marriage, I see that I may not ever find that kind of romantic connection that I crave, and I may be lonely. I see those I love most suffering because of this decision, and I am left feeling selfish, guilty and all-around rotten.”

I have heard many similar stories, all of which resonate on some level. I am glad I am not married to my ex, even if he is a good guy. Lots and lots of reasons, including some mentioned above by my emailer. But there are times when we are getting along, when we are chatting like old friends at the kids' T-ball game, the kids are exhausted from schlepping back and forth between our apartments, I remember all his good qualities and all the benefits of marriage, and I think:

Can't we just be adults and make it work? Can't we just agree not to fight any more? Be in one home, be practical, get over this trite, adolescent notion of forever soulful romantic love, have no expectations your husband will fulfill you and just be realistic already – FOR THE KIDS' SAKE? 

Then he will blame me for my kid tripping in the hallway of my apartment and getting a bloody boo-boo on his head, or cancel a visit with the kids last-minute because he wants to see a concert and all those cozy notions are thrown out the window quicker than a Las Vegas divorce.

sell engagement ring

Maybe it means I'm selfish. Maybe it means I can't control my anger. Maybe it means I am a indulgent adolescent artist, but I don't want to be married to my ex-husband so I am not married to my ex-husband. We were great together in many ways, but we also bring out the worst in one another — something that neither of us are committed to overcoming. Also: I just don't want to be married to him.

Also, also: That is OK.

I want to explore my sexuality in a way that is impossible with him. I want to be with people who support my huge professional ambition and creative pursuits without competing — again, impossible with him. I want to be with someone who easily forgives, and easily laughs, and easily picks up his fucking dirty clothes and just puts them in the hamper.

I just don't want to be married to him.

And that is OK.

The end of that marriage was not my decision, though in hindsight I knew what I could have done to make him stay (beg), and I didn't. I never visit the idea of a reconciliation with him (I even sold my engagement ring to make a point of it). I'm done, and it is because I know I am so, so much happier outside that marriage.

Even if it means that I am not in a relationship.

Even if it means that we are both poorer.

Even if it means that things are much harder on the kids in many ways.

All this is OK because it is way, way, WAY better for me. I am happier than I could ever have been in that marriage. I am thriving professionally in a way that I was impossible for me in that partnership. I am creatively free and fulfilled, which could not have happened in that marriage. Dating at this stage of my life, I know, is part of a much greater plan for my life that of course could not have blossomed inside of a traditional marriage.

The end of that relationship was painful for so many people. And being divorced is hard for him, me and my kids in lots of practical ways.

But the net result for all involved is positive. I am thriving and my very best self now — and I, my kids and those in my orbit benefit. Is that selfish? Adolescent? A mentality of post-feminist, navel-gazing Gen X/Y/millennials?

Maybe?

I don't fucking care.

I am glad for it.

And I free you to be glad for it, too.

 

About Emma Johnson

Emma Johnson is a veteran money journalist, noted blogger, bestselling author and an host of the award-winning podcast, Like a Mother with Emma Johnson. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour, Oprah.com, U.S. News, Parenting, USA Today and others. Her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was named to the New York Post's ‘Must Read” list.Emma regularly comments on issues of modern families, gender equality, divorce, sex and motherhood for outlets like CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine and The Doctors. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and a “Most Eligible New Yorker” by New York Observer.A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Read more about Emma here.

220 Comments

  1. Forestsight on April 19, 2017 at 4:56 pm

    This is a wonderful article and comment section to show to young men, to never get married. Did you ladies know that men are no longer looking at single mothers because of this public display of disloyalty and soon to be regret. Hypergamy is real and you are all admitting to it like it’s cool. Men!, research MGTOW and how you can navigate life without being dragged into family court where you can lose your kids and half your stuff. Women don’t see us as human but a shovel or an ATM at best.

    • Noni on March 28, 2019 at 12:29 pm

      So male typical! Usually it’s men dragging women through divorces for many reasons but mainly cheating.
      But here we are.. always okay for a man to leave his family and his wife in a lurch because he let eyes wonder elsewhere or needed to find themselves.
      I don’t agree with divorce.. if you can save your marriage then do it.
      I don’t think that it’s healthy to project your own experiences onto someone elses life.
      Just saying!

  2. Fred on April 20, 2017 at 9:36 pm

    It will be interesting to see how these businesswomen who pulled the plug on their marriages react in a commercial situation, where getting out of a contract is not quite so easy.

  3. Yin Ding on April 24, 2017 at 4:22 pm

    Is the reason for the divorce — “I got bored”? How is this different from kids treating their new toys? They “love” the toys and then they discard them because they no longer “love” them. What is the “strength” in doing what kids do? Strength is to swallow our pride (and fix our own shortcomings) — Courage is to face the issue (and not run away). Power is to solve the problems. After doing all that, the reason for leaving is “I have an unlovable husband”, not that “I am bored” or “just don’t love him anymore”. The writer said she had no choice, so she is in a different situation. Other commenting here sounded like they do. The lesson a divorce teach kids is that there is no everlasting commitment, that as a matter of fact, all marriages are disposable (and therefore affairs and divorce are all fair game). Most divorced parents try their hardest to tell our kids everything will be alright after the divorce — in reality, that’s the worst lesson possible for them. A big part of them do not feel “alright”, but are told that these pains are “normal.” Pray that they will actually not listen to me and will actually hesitate before inflicting this pain on others when they grow up. My girls prayed each night for “a loving family together forever,” that’s truly what they wanted. My leaving because I am not in love with my spouse — am I really “Strong”? My leaving because I selfishly phrase the question as “stay and be unhappy” or “leave and be happy” — am I really “Courageous”? Am I showing my “Power” by wrecking the lives of everyone who loved me because I don’t want to compromise and want everything my way?

  4. Mario Rodgers on April 28, 2017 at 7:30 pm

    Anony Mouse and Lee’s comments just prove the men right. Selfish selfish selfish.

  5. DieSter on April 30, 2017 at 3:59 pm

    Being unhappy is the hardest thing to live with. I knew from the first time I met my ex husband that I will never be fulfilled but I ignored that little voice in my head. When I agreed to marrying him i was 24 years old and naive. I didn’t think about how all this will backfire.
    I love him, he is the nicest person I know. He had his flaws, all of us do but I never doubted his love for me.I felt guilty that I couldn’t return that amount of love and affection. I didn’t leave with a hope of greener pastures but it felt like that was the answer for the both of us to salvage a bit of happiness before it is too late.I have realized that the problem is me, I am not marriage material. I like my own space. The kids suffer the most. Mine are now 8 & 5. They haven’t asked heavy questions but i know the day will come.I regret the pain I have caused this man. I will have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life.

    • Yin Ding on May 3, 2017 at 4:45 pm

      Sorry to hear another family separated. You feel how you feel and there is no way to deny your feeling. We can try to change our attitude so that we find true joy where ever we are (as Victor Frankl wrote that even some in Nazi’s Death Camp were able to, but how many in the world can do that?) Love is much more than temporary passion and spontaneous affection, intoxicating and strong as those feelings may be. A read of this blog seems to suggest that some people think marriage is a magic bottle that can capture the passion and prolong the affection, and that a marriage “fails” because the passion and affection inevitably fade. – I tear up when I read you writing “I never doubted his love for me” — that is the most beautiful and lovable thing I can ever hope to be able to say about my spouse, the parent of my children. The commitment underscoring that unwavering love and the undeniable courage supporting that commitment … I find that precious and can’t help but feel the tremendous pain now that it has to be destroyed and erased. Pray that he doesn’t give up on true love and will find a special someone who would truly enjoy and treasure his form of sustained love. Pray that your young children will find strength and peace.

  6. Lila on June 28, 2017 at 5:55 pm

    I think the saddest thing here, is the disrespect between men and women in the comments I’ve read. I’m in the same situation as many of these women but I’ve stayed with a good man, after 38 years of marriage, because of doubts, it seems there is always something worth saving. I’m trying to be the happiest person I can be on my own, and while my husband and I sleep in separate rooms and don’t have an intimate relationship anymore, we are friends. We have memories in this home and this life that we’ve built together. I commend those of you who do what you think is right for you, but we are all different. To the men that point fingers at these women: One cannot explain here all the details of one’s life, so understand that you are judging someone over a few sentences. I am sorry you were hurt by women. It must be really horrible when someone leaves you for what seems to be “a sudden” decision. Having worked in the therapy world, and I can tell you that what may seem a surprise to you would have probably been building up for a long time, and possibly your wife/partner told you many times what she was feeling, but you really didn’t listen. It happens a lot just because man and women speak and listen differently.
    Again, I’m sorry you were hurt by women and that now your opinion of some of them is so negative. I hope you are able to find women that you can share your happiness with, I really do. Men also deserve happiness and love.
    And to this women, think 1,000 times before jumping off. Try not to compare your situation to others, not on this post, not anywhere else. Your life is unique, your situation is unique. Your heart will tell you what to do, but please do so after you’ve exhausted every single possibility to mend something that seems incompatible or broken. My mother stayed in a bad marriage for 53 years. She died at age 89 with a deep regret to not have done in life things she wanted to do because my father was so controlling. It broke me. I engaged myself in counseling and psychology because of this. Hope that at the end of our lives, if we have something worth saving, we can say we did everything in our power to keep it going, and that if it couldn’t be saved, we can also say that we had the courage to move on. To each its own. Let’s be kind and helpful instead of critical and demeaning. That’s my hope.

    • PatyA on July 17, 2018 at 3:00 am

      Oh, Lila…the most compassionate comment that I’ve read in all this. Each life is different and we all have problems and solutions and we learn to carry our own cross. And we should learn how no to carry regrets for decisions made.

  7. Jen on July 15, 2017 at 6:17 pm

    You know what makes me laugh? MGTOW. It means men going their own way. When a woman practices WGTOW the men get all upset. Screw you! I left I’m glad and I will never be in a relationship again! Happiest women I know r single. Raised my kids alone no AT either…..

    • Ano on October 24, 2017 at 4:04 pm

      They have, tell me feminism is younger than mgtow. We see marriage as unfair contract not upheld by family courts. There is nothing wrong with men not willing to enter it.

  8. JJ on July 19, 2017 at 5:46 am

    I think the problem is that our entire society tells women, “marriage will make you feel fulfilled. motherhood will give you meaning. you’ll reach the pinnacles of happiness if you get married.” and for most women, it’s not true. When they find themselves in the role of a wife and mother, the role itself feels constricting, so that even if they have a good husband and a happy family, simply HAVING a family, EXISTING in that role, makes them boxed in and they want to get divorced so they can start a podcast and have sex with other guys or travel the world and do an Eat Pray Love thing or whatever.

    If that’s what you want from life, then why didn’t you do some deep, solid introspection before you got married? Why didn’t you spend alone time seriously contemplating your goals and what you wanted from life, before you ensnared some poor guy in a marriage, made him commit his life to you, and then destroyed his heart when you realize that marriage wasn’t what you wanted? Why didn’t you just stay single?

    I’m less angry about women achieving their potential and dreams and happiness, and more angry about women waiting to realize that’s what they want, until they’ve created a family, which is kind of incompatible with having the most exciting sex life in the world or being free and responsible only to yourself. Having children and being married isn’t really entirely all about you, and your happiness. It’s partly about your happiness, and partly about theirs. So if you’re not willing to settle for anything less than ABSOLUTE happiness, then you’re not cut out to be a wife, and you’re not cut out to be a mother. And that’s OKAY! Not everyone has to be a wife and a mom. It’s not the end-all, be-all of existence. We have plenty of people on the planet already,

    The reason you guys all feel guilty for divorcing is because you really, truly are negatively impacting the most important people in your life, and that’s not something to gloss over or ignore. Your children aren’t better off watching you “succeed.” That’s not better for children than having a stable, secure family.

    I’m fine with you guys divorcing – do whatever you want. But I’m tired of the excuses about how it’s better for the kids, and I’m tired of hearing women gloss over their husband’s unhappiness, as if only the wife’s happiness matters.

  9. JJ on July 19, 2017 at 6:09 am

    If you are only going to stay in a relationship as long as you are utterly, deeply, completely fulfilled and ecstatic to be in that relationship, then commitment is not for you. It just isn’t.

    Don’t promise “to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.” when what you’re really thinking is, “I’ll stick with you as long as you fulfill every single one of my emotional, psychological and sexual needs as a human being, I never feel bored or constricted, or until someone better comes along.”

    Millions of women, all over planet, are telling men they value commitment, desire commitment, believe in commitment, but they really don’t. What they really mean, “I want to be in a relationship that sustains me and fulfills me, and if it stops doing that, I’m not going to work it out with you. I’m gonna bounce and start a podcast.” Which is….the opposite of commitment.

  10. Broken on October 20, 2017 at 5:01 pm

    Im in a similar situation where I have fallen out of love with my husband. We have been married 9 years and have 3 children, 8,5 and 2.
    He is very insecure and possesive but on the other hand he isnt a bad person, he doesnt drink, gamble or mess about with other women. Ive never felt happy as I find myself living his way of life for me. Im not allowed to dress the way I want, cant go out on my own to town or with friends anywhere. I cant even take the kids to the park or anywhere. I have tried supressing myself to keep him happy to keep the family atmosphere happy.
    I stay at home all the time and wish I could be myself just to experience what it feels like to be independent.
    I feel sorry for my children to be in this situation and hurt that I have put up with this for so long.
    I want a divorce but im scared I might hurt my children and regret what I have done.
    I have told him many times to let me live my life too but he doesnt seem to see where hes wrong. Hes happy to be this way. Over the years ive realised he doesnt really love me he is selfish and self absorbed. I mean nothing to him. He isnt romantic but expects sex whenever he wants. He gets annoyed if I dont do as he says or if I got against his rules.
    Im torn but I want out. Theres no love in me for him and I just cant be with him any longer. Just worried about how life will be after divorce and how will I be able to afford to live. We have bought a house but he hasnt even put my name on it and our marriage isnt even registerd as he didnt see a point in it aslong as we are religiously married.
    I just dont want to think the grass is greener on the other side and end up leaving the comfort me and the kids have

    • Frankie on March 9, 2018 at 2:34 pm

      Now this sounds like a lady that needs a good lawyer and a better man, I hope you can manage your situation “broken”, hopefully you can “scare him” into being a better man with the threat of divorce. He does not sound like the “good guy” we are all discussing here.

  11. Rusty on November 23, 2017 at 2:19 am

    There is one central theme in all of this and it shows the obvious personality type that someone will want to avoid marrying. Me, Myself and I, those are the people who are being considered when making the decision to get divorced.

    These people all sound like their relationship and marriage were like an addictive drug. First you loved it, then you still liked it but it carried burdens and became something that dominated your life and eventually you began to not even get enjoyment from it, so you decided to go through the pain of stopping it.

    The problem with that analogy is this, first, most addicts go through misery when they get off their drug of choice and then continue to feel awful for a long time until they readjust. While at the same time the people in the addicts life, usually family like parents or a spouse and also friends who want their old pal back.

    But in the case of a person who decides they want a divorce and the decision is not amicable, the result is the exact opposite. The person stops the marriage like an addict stops their addiction. Putting aside legal fees and hassles of child custody, the person who wanted the divorce is happier than ever. But, they crush the ones around them who love them. It’s the exact opposite effect on family and friends of an addict stopping drugs. And it’s for the exact opposite reason, an addict stops so they are no longer being hedonistic, a person gets a divorce (in circumstance(s) the writer of this article did) purely based on hedonism. They do no one good except for themselves. Family, specifically the spouse and children are drastically affected in a negative way.

    Friends also could be affected, in the case where couples would spend leisure time together and will no longer have that. Maybe the spouse who didn’t file the divorce papers had a friend who is married and that friend spent most his free time hanging out with the other because the wife/husband who did file the divorce papers was liked by that friend’s wife/husband. Sure that is minor in comparison to the affect on children and the former spouse, but still another person(s) affected in a significant way.

    But I guess that is what a lot of people are viewing marriage (and bearing children) as today, like a drug they enjoy using until it gets old and the they stop using it. Except it’s a lot easier to accomplish ad keep it that way. There are rarely relapses when it comes to divorce.

  12. Chris Matthews on January 7, 2018 at 4:19 am

    I feel Guilty and selfish for feeling the exact way you do, people think I’m crazy! I really needed this article! Thanks

    • Chris Matthews on January 7, 2018 at 4:20 am

      Female lol

  13. Teaky on January 11, 2018 at 7:26 am

    Thanks for the article. I need to be reminded that the institution of marriage is as meaningful as mail order art certificate. People say it’s easier to stay in a bad marriage than leave. They don’t feel passion for their spouse any more so it’s time to divorce and find someone new to have passion for. That is immature thinking and as someone said earlier very small minded. You are trying to justify and rationalize your selfish decisions by saying you are showing your children how to take care of themselves. Yikes! That is pretty twisted. Be honest with yourselves. People feel guilty because they did or are doing something wrong. Period.

  14. Jen on February 2, 2018 at 5:40 pm

    This website is equal parts inspirational and infuriating.

    My author’s original post and several of the supportive comments uplift me and give me hope that I can follow my own heart and free myself to live the life I want and deserve.

    However, the judgmental, hate-filled comments really confuse me and make me protective of the author (which I’m sure doesn’t need me to shield her!). If your own daughter realized that she was in a broken and unhappy marriage, would you really tell her that she has to stick with it no matter what? And how can you be so bold to call the author or other commenters ignorant and selfish? Sounds to me like some of you may be projecting and need to deal with your own emotional demons.

    But let’s end on a positive note. Thank you for writing this. I appreciate the concept that your happiness is enough to justify change. I keep feeling like I need to force fights just so I can feel comfortable with my decision. There will be pain, but I have hope that it will be short lived and that just like the author said, “the net result will be positive.”

    • Jen on February 2, 2018 at 5:40 pm

      I meant “the author” not mine… :)

  15. sz on February 22, 2018 at 2:50 pm

    This is your only life and you have one chance to live it. You are NOT a bad person for doing what’s right for you. I am in the same position, however I have been dealing with a stoned alcoholic who never pays the bills, cleans the house – who has a negative attitude and acts like a 15 year old. I’m ready to be happier. Regardless the guilt is killing me. I can’t even get the words out to tell him. Anyhow, I’m glad I found this article. Ignore the haters – as they do not know what your life is like behind closed doors.

  16. Another broken husband on February 25, 2018 at 10:50 am

    Sad. It’s really sad that there are so many women ready to break up their homes and crush their kids because they’re chasing their hormones.

    It is so selfish and cruel to leave just over a general sense of unhappiness. You are adults. Your kids depend on you. I really can’t understand how you justify breaking so many hearts.

    But of course you’re miserable because there is no room for selfishness in a marriage. You’re unhappy, I get it….but it scares me to no end to know that someday, no matter how good I am to you, no matter how loyal and faithful I was, no matter how much work and bullsh*t I dealt with, that youd take the most important thing away from me (my home and family) and destroy not just my heart, but those kids who want and deserve mommy and daddy.

    Though it really must be difficult for you to know that you’re doing this. I cannot feel sorry for you. Typically we feel guilty when we know what we did/are doing is wrong. Especially in the cases of these good men. Their hearts and souls are destroyed simply because they were guilty of truly loving your selfish a$$3$. Thier love for you has become a curse for them.

    I’m also a victim of a walk away wife who somehow switched up over the years and decided that our good life wasn’t good enough for her anymore and checked out without letting me know until it was too late.

    I feel sorry for any man who might fall in love and want to marry you in the future. You have NO clue what love and loyalty is. A wicked heart cannot delight in doing what’s right so of course you’re miserable.

    You are incapable of true love and I feel sorry for these men and your kids. I know it’s not an easy choice for you so maybe you’re not all bad. I know that I have to pick myself up and move forward with love and forgiveness, but this hurts so bad.

    It feels like betrayal to know that we dedicated our lives to you, sacrificed so much for you. Would have taken a bullet for you and gladly laid our lives down to protect you…only to have u walk away because we’re somehow not good enough. We’re not perfect, but neither were you and honestly, if anyone settled for less, it was us.

    But yet we still fight for u even though our hearts and souls are paying a huge price. You see we know that true love isn’t about me. We put our family ahead of us even when we aren’t feeling it. We aren’t miserable though we also sacrifice because it’s not just about ME.

    You guys have become the selfish antagonists that you used to hate on those old lifetime movies. SMH lol

  17. Amy on February 26, 2018 at 5:57 pm

    My ex and i were together for 10 years. Married for 1. 2 kids, a 9 year old and a 5 year old.
    I wont get into it… but towards the end i looked around and my 9yearoldson was so depressed, talking to my friends and neighbor parents why dad wont stop yelling at mom. Why dad wont stop making mom cry.
    My 5 year old daughter was there hugging me while im trying to push her outside while her dad is yelling. My son yelling at his sister in that same way my ex yells at me because thats what he knows.
    I didnt want that for my daughter to think thats an ok way to be treated by a man, i didnt want my son to think thats an ok way to treat any female ever in his life.
    So i packed everything and left when he went out of town for fathers day weekend last year.

    But when the fighting wasnt there, this guy is an alpha male. Funny, smart, handsome, amazing lover, amazing dad. He seriously is perfect in almost every way except when he gets mad. Every day after work was not tv time, it was time to be outside and hang out with the kids, with me. He loved us very much.
    But man, when he got mad, his word, he would rip you to shreads for hours and hours and hours. We once had an argument about my lack of cleaning the house(he was raise with a white glove inspection type of clean) that argument lasted 7 hours of him repeating how im a horrible mother, a hoarder, a slob, a pig. In the end of every fight i apologized for the billionth time, just for it to be finally over. I was drained. Completely drained.

    Thats how my son would scold his baby sister. Maybe not the length of it but he would hurt her heart in such a strong way.

    I feel so guilty. I cant get over it. Somedays i feel like i cant breath the whole day. Somedays my eyes constantly have tears streaming down. The worst is when my children beg me to go back that dad is nice again.

    My ex tells me he hates me now. That he cant stand the sight of me. That im an awful mother for doing this to our family. He tells the kids all about what their mother is doing to our family and how horrible of a decision shes made because its biblical.

    Hes turned into pure evil. But i cant get over this huge guilty feeling. It hurts. When i dont have my kids i dont want to live anymore. When i have my kids, its very special time spent together and it goes by way too fast. Im much happier without him but im now dying inside because i dont have my kids all the time.
    I cant live like this, not making it through the week without wanting to die, but then being completely happy on the days i have my kids.

    I just dont know what to do. Im lost. So so lost and just dont know what to do.

    • A Left Behind Husband on February 28, 2018 at 4:22 pm

      While I am a left behind husband, what you describe is ABUSE. Specifically it is verbal abuse. You do not have to put up with that behavior. Either he needs to get professional help with his anger issues, or you need to walk away from the relationship, guilt free. I do not say this lightly. I am totally against the author’s actions of this article “feeling guilty for leaving a NICE guy.” That does not seem to fit your situation based upon your description.

      No one deserves to be abused.

    • Frankie on March 9, 2018 at 2:48 pm

      If he was a great guy he would do whatever to make it right with you. I would give you a Taser and overtime when I got out of hand you could shock me back to my senses. I would do that to keep my family happy and intact :) Or some other strong bargaining chip.

  18. Kmd on March 30, 2018 at 1:08 pm

    I know this is old, but I just wanted to say this is one of the coldest things that I have ever read.
    I really hope that you never have to feel the way that your husband did when you ripped his heart out. No wait, actually I do. Then you may finnally realize the pain you have caused.
    My mom did the same thing to my dad. Fair warning… you’re children will resent you forever no matter how happy they appear to be.

  19. M on July 9, 2018 at 12:02 pm

    Thank you so much for this article. I married my husband in 2011, and even then I had a voice in my head saying something wasn’t right. I married him because he’s the most selfless, wonderful man I’ve ever met. Truly he is. But I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with him. Before I met him I fell in love with my best friend and the heartbreak from that relationship ending just about destroyed me. I convinced myself that the only men I feel a spark for are unavailable, emotionally or otherwise, and the challenge associated with those kinds of men. When I met my husband he was so nice to me, and really the first man I let take care of me. I wish I was passionate about him. I hate that I’m not, but pretending isn’t fair. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and he is the best father in the world. Most of the time I think I just need to suck it up for her. That’s the commitment you make when you have kids right? I’ve recently fallen in love with a man at work and while we haven’t cheated we talk about it. A part of me thinks he’s proof of my pattern – that I’m only into unavailable men and the challenge they provide, but the way I feel around this man, our connection, the thought of growing old with him and taking care of each other, of having another child with him are all so appealing. I lost my mom to cancer at 61 years old in August and losing a parent slaps you in the face with thoughts about your own mortality. Life is so very short. I want passion, sex, love, laughter, chemistry, intimacy. I’m just so scared I’ll regret leaving such a wonderful man.

    • J on January 31, 2019 at 1:11 am

      “I’ve recently fallen in love with a man at work and while we haven’t cheated we talk about it. A part of me thinks he’s proof of my pattern – that I’m only into unavailable men and the challenge they provide, but the way I feel around this man, our connection, the thought of growing old with him and taking care of each other, of having another child with him are all so appealing … Life is so very short. I want passion, sex, love, laughter, chemistry, intimacy. I’m just so scared I’ll regret leaving such a wonderful man.”

      Willing to bet a significant amount of money that you’d end up ultimately leaving that man at work, too. Passion, sparks, chemistry — those are igniters to a relationship, but they can’t sustain one because they never last. Also, “falling in love with a man at work” is really suspect. I doubt you really know him? You’re in love with the way he makes you feel, but you don’t really know him, so I wouldn’t trust that. It doesn’t mean you should stay with someone you don’t love, but nonetheless, I’d think hard about what “love” actually is, because it isn’t sparks, fireworks and all that — that’s what movies try to sell. Love is lot deeper than that. You’re describing infatuation more than you are love imo.

  20. Magic on July 28, 2018 at 5:58 pm

    Sounds like most of you used your husband as a sperm donor. Wanted committment, got it, got the baby, now want out. And it is easier to leave a marriage knowing most mothers get the kid. Most likely why women initiate 73% of divorces. Good luck to you all!

  21. J on January 31, 2019 at 1:00 am

    Did you ever stop to consider the fact that romantic partnerships all follow more or less the same trajectory? There are various names for each stage, but generally speaking: 1. Romance 2. Disillusionment 3. Misery and 4. Awakening. It really doesn’t matter who you’re with, you’ll eventually reach the latter stages if you stick with someone long enough, because we’re all humans and we have flaws and quirks. I’m not speaking to abuse, infidelity or other extreme situations, but rather the ebb and flow of any partnership. You can stay in stage 1, and leave when things progress to 2 or 3, but I think that says more about you than it does about your partner/s? Marriage does become work after a while, but you cycle back and forth, and you can get back to stage 1 if both partners invest in it. But ultimately, the grass is greener where you water it.

    It sounds like you’re just not into marriage based on your own words. If that’s the case, then that’s fine. By all means, do you. But there’s no point in getting married if you aren’t 100% committed to it being forever, with the obvious exceptions of abuse, infidelity, etc. etc. That’s the whole point of marriage.

  22. Emma's Fugly on February 10, 2019 at 4:13 am

    Horse Face, you did your husband a favor. You look like a man! I don’t think anyone in your office is getting excited by looking at you, it’s just your imagination running away with you.
    Try and find some better pictures of yourself to post online or else you’re going to be dusting cobwebs out of your C**T ! You probably already are because it’s been a few years since you wrote this you are older and uglier than you were back then.

    Single mothers like yourself are only good for one thing ( pretty ones, not you ) – Just took another look at your picture, Yup you are FUGLY both in looks and personality.

  23. Emma's Fugly on February 10, 2019 at 4:19 am

    Horse Face, you did your husband a favor. You look like a man! I don’t think anyone in your office is getting excited by looking at you, it’s just your imagination running away with you.
    Try and find some better pictures of yourself to post online or else you’re going to be dusting cobwebs out of your C**T ! You probably already are because it’s been a few years since you wrote this and you are older and uglier than you were back then.

    Single mothers like yourself are only good for one thing ( pretty ones, not you ) – Just took another look at your picture, Yup you are FUGLY both in looks and personality.

  24. JoAnn Smykalski Christensen on April 6, 2019 at 4:18 pm

    My husband left because he got excited by some other woman and decided he could not love me anymore. It is similar to what this woman felt with her coworkers. I have to say she crazy for leaving a good man. You can get the passion back but you don’t want to get it back. You are tapped out. Your next marriage you will reach a point where you are tapped out and have to seek more thrill and leave that husband. My therapist said these types are incapable of deep relationships. They keep moving on to the next thrill.

  25. AnotherAbandonedHusband on April 17, 2019 at 1:10 pm

    This article and the comments should be mandatory reading to all men out there considering starting a family, a long term relationship, or marriage.

    This is why the MGTOW movement is growing exponentially. Men are waking up to realize that long term commitments with women are just too risky a proposition. Attitudes and ideas like the ones expressed in the comments can destroy a man’s soul. The sad part is that I’m sure most of these women didn’t imagine they’d ever end up feeling like they had to leave their ‘good guy’ husbands and destroy their families over some ‘deeper unexplainable need’ or desire. Yet in the end, he loses access to his family, his home, and in many cases, large sums of his finances. Why does a woman’s happiness have to be paid for by the suffering and heartbreak for the family and most importantly, the children? Why couldn’t she be able to find it somewhere within her vows. We are living in one of the best times known to man as far as safety, comfort, technology, and access to opportunity to resources is concerned and yet, they still can’t find happiness in that space? There is a serious problem here.

    Today’s women are loyal only to themselves. Their vows, commitment, and family mean nothing. The sacrifices necessary to maintain a home is no longer a noble pursuit, but a burden and repressive. Their happiness is their primary commitment and that is an elusive target at best. I suspect they are oxytocin junkies, but that’s just a theory.

    THIS is why men should never commit, regardless of how well things seem to be going in the relationship at the time. THIS is why men should never fall in love, nor risk it by being faithful to just one woman. THIS is why increasingly more men feel pity for other men who commit just to one woman. THIS is why we cannot take her for her words when she says she loves you. Is it any wonder why it’s harder and harder to find a good man to commit? Then women have the nerve to wonder why so many men are ’emotionally unavailable’. THIS is why a man ‘falling in love’ and committing to one woman is seen as pathetic.

    Players already know the deal and good guys are waking up. We’re all starting to hear stories like this, if we haven’t experienced it ourselves. Perhaps Chris Brown was right when he said. “These hoes ain’t loyal.” I feel sorry for any man mistaking that ‘in love’ feeling she may express in the moment to mean loyalty and real love.

    Keep it player

    • AnotherAbandonedHusband on April 17, 2019 at 1:14 pm

      Remember gentlemen, she’s never yours, it’s just your turn.

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