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There is a better-than-average chance that your family doesn’t look like the Cleavers. Our survey of 2,279 single moms found that the majority of single moms are primary or sole caregivers for their kids, the majority support shared parenting and most struggle financially.

What is a single parent household?

What are the disadvantages of a single parent family?

What effect does a single parent household have on a child?

Traditional family vs. non-traditional family

Benefits of non-traditional families

Arguments against marriage

My single mom family definition

What is a single parent household?

Single-parent family definition: What is a single parent family called?

This one is equally controversial. In a bout of the misery Olympics, women forever bitterly debate the right to call themselves a “single mom.” Some people believe this title is not allowed for any parent who has an active co-parent, or receives child support, or has a live-in romantic partner or new husband, or any romantic partner at all (because, by definition, she is no longer single).

29 rules for co-parenting with even the most toxic ex

The Census Bureau defines as a single-parent household any family in which the primary adult in a home including children is not married. These and other statistics deduce that a single-mother household automatically means that the children are fatherless. This is not always the case. A child raised by a single mother can have an actively involved dad whom he or she sees regularly, a step-father, or biological parents who live together in a committed relationship, but are not married. There are countless other ways that children are raised by both mothers and fathers that census efforts do not accurately measure.

I define a single-parent household as any person who chooses to call themselves a single parent, except for overwhelmed married mothers who are angry at their husbands for not helping enough, or travel a lot for work. Those women need to go away.

More on federal and global statistics about single motherhood

What are the disadvantages of a single parent family? What is the effect of a “broken family”?

Statistically, single-parent households are more likely to experience poverty, and children who live with just one parent, especially if the other parent is not equally involved, are more likely to struggle academically, emotionally, in health and with long-term issues. 

What effect does a single parent household have on a child?

Do children of single parents have more problems?

“Children growing up with a single mother are exposed to more family instability and complexity, they have more behavior problems, and they are less likely to finish high school or attend college than children raised by both of their parents.

On the other hand, these differences in children’s behavior and success might well be traceable to differences that would exist even if the biological father were present.”

Sara McLanahan is professor of sociology and public affairs at Princeton University. Christopher Jencks is professor of social policy at the Harvard Kennedy School.

Traditional family vs. non-traditional family

Today, two-parent, monogamous, heterosexual traditional families (by definition) are the weirdos. Statistically, they are a 49 percent minority — a figure poised to plummet in our lifetimes. After all, of the 10.9 million single parent households, 80% are headed by a single woman (according to 2022 U.S. Census Bureau data), marriage rates are at a record low in the United States — and around the globe. LGBTQ, multi-generation and other household configurations are on the rise. 

Traditional family definition

For reference: the definition of a Nuclear family is a family unit consisting only of parents and their children, though it is understood to be straight, married parents, a.k.a. a “traditional family.”

Non-traditional family definitions

There are any number of other family configurations, but here are some of the most common:

Broken family definition

This is a dated term, and I urge you in my quest to phase it out. “Broken family” refers to divorced or separated families, or single-parent families. It implies (strongly) that there is something wrong, something very broken, because it does not fit into the traditional family mould.

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Modern family definition

‘Modern family,’ or “alternative family” is a general description of any family outside of that traditional, nuclear model, and can include step-parents, grandparents, gay parents, adoptive and foster families, single-parents by choice, collective groups of people who find creative ways to live together or raise children, or otherwise create community.

However, academics and historians broaden the scope of this discussion to point out that until the past 100 to 150 years, family was focused on economic survival (via family-owned land, farms and business), gender roles (today women and men share child and economic labor much more equally than in the past), religious and academic education (which has been outsourced to churches and state-run schools), as well as social units, as class, friendships and marriages today are considered to be individual endeavors, opposed to closely tied to one’s family of origin. 

Blended family definition

Blended families typically refer to step-families, or households where the parents each have children from previous marriages or relationships, and may have children together as well. The children in a blended family may have step-siblings and half-siblings from both their mother and father.

What is the success rate of blended families?

According to the U.S. Census Bureau and the 20-year Virginia Longitudinal Study of Divorce and Remarriage conducted by E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Virginia, more than 60 percent and up to 73 percent of all marriages involving children from a previous relationship ultimately fail.

Research from the United Kingdom found that kids from homes with different types of family structures were equally successful academically because of their family stability, not their family type. 

How can a blended family be successful?

Single mom by choice definition

Single mothers by choice typically are considered unpartnered women who actively seek out sperm by way of a friend or sperm bank, and have a child without a romantic partner. You can also become a single mom by choice by way of adoption, or foster parenting.

It can be argued that you are a single mom by choice if you got pregnant outside of a relationship, the biological father chose not to be involved, and you chose not to abort or put the baby up for adoption.

Benefits of non-traditional families

As I personally see fewer and fewer marriages that I aspire to, and more and more happy thriving people in all kinds of configurations outside of June and Ward Cleaver, my own assumption about what my romantic and family life should look like has settled into more than acceptance of the status quo, but rather a thrill in enjoying the life I have created. In other words:

My family is complete, and yours is, too.

I urge you to accept this, not only for the political benefit of all families, everywhere, but also for your own well being. Saying your family is whole does not mean there is no room for more people, or that you are closed off to romantic love and partnership — far from it. It means you accept your family for what it is, now, as complete. If you go through life with the sense of a gaping hole in your heart, life and family, a hole that can only be filled with a man, you are indeed likely to fill that hole with a man — and the wrong one. And if you go through life believing that your family is incomplete, this informs your parenting, which you do from a place of shame and with a sense of scarcity, opposed to acceptance and pride.

While absentee fathers is a big issue, that creates many documented issues for children and society, there are many benefits to raising children in non-traditional families. These include:

  • If your modern family includes loving step-parents and their step-grandparents, as well as a healthy mix of new siblings, this can mean more emotional, logistical and financial support for the children. Plus, more people who love the kids, and more people for them to love.
  • Studies conclude that kids raised by gay parents fare just as well in school as those raised in “traditional,” straight families.
  • Studies found that kids raised in step-families receive just as much parental involvement as those raised in homes headed by the biological mother and father.
  • Many adults who were raised in non-traditional families say that their childhood family structure gave them the confidence that they had to power to create a family that works for them — and not default to societal norms.

Hey single mom— Do you tell your son he’s the man of the house? 16 tips for raising sons

Arguments against marriage

Science, I love you. But, also, speaking off the cuff: It is hard to find a reason to marry. I’ll skip the history of marriage, its 10,000-year history of matching powerless women with men for everyone’s economic and political security, and the mere 150-year history of love marriage, which, citing the above divorce rates, has proven to be a disaster.

I’ll go straight to summing up our lives today: Very few things you or I do every day has anything to do with any tradition. You likely work in an industry that has been invented in the past 10 years, or completely changed in that time. The fact that you are a female and have equal rights to attend university, earn, open a bank account, vote and own property are facts in their blissful springtime. The way you eat, socialize, raise your kids, your sexual politics, all have nothing to do with any tradition at all. So, why, especially after finding yourself an unmarried mom, would you be excited to wear a white (huh?) dress and a man’s 2.5 month’s salary and try to shoehorn yourself into a box that is rooted in another century — or millennium?

9 reasons dating is better as a single mom

I am all for you doing you. I really am. But let’s think about this for a minute.

I was pleasantly surprised that the Millionaire moms were over it. Most of them happily so. It is tough to live outside that box and forge your own way. I know I have received lots of pressure from well-meaning family, neighbors, and men I’ve been involved with to have a “real family” — you know, with a man. A man I’m married to. Living in the same house.

I try to give them the benefit of doubt, understand that this is simply an uncreative way of approaching life, one limited to simply what one knows — something we are all guilty of at some time or another (I still cannot shake the advice my mom gave me 30 years ago: “Never wear open-toe shoes without your toenails painted!” Or the rule that a meal is incomplete if it does not feature meat, a vegetable, starch (ha!), and dairy). But when faced with facts, and given the freedom to live one’s own life in such unprecedented freedom, it becomes irresponsible to lazily follow the herd on to the marriage train. Again.

When I was at the height of my family drama a few years ago, my mom – also a single mother for most of my life – comforted me. “You and Helena and Lucas are a whole family,” she assured. I was a little surprised. That we weren’t never occurred me. But I could see that had been a struggle for her. After all,  she was part of that crush of divorces in the 70s and 80s that followed her own very 50s nuclear-family upbringing. Raising children alone didn’t look a thing like what she had known “family” to be.

An upside of being raised by a single mom is that once you become one yourself, it’s less of a shock to your paradigm. I was chatting with a single dad friend who said he’s struggled so with single parenthood because family is so important to him. That shook me a little – I mean, family is important to me, too. My family just looks different than a J.Crew catalog. And I’m pretty cool with that.

26 reasons being a single mom is awesome — according to other single moms!

Just yesterday Helena and I were talking about families, and how each one is different. Some kids live with a mom and a dad, others with their grandparents. If her dad remarries, she’d have a stepmom – or if I do, a stepdad. When our friend Matthew goes on dates, he goes with other men (to which she noted: “And some families have two daddies. And then they put their penises together to make a girl baby.” Oh. Good to know.).

“I’m slowly accepting that the kids, my ex and I are still a family,” my friend said. I’m not sure I agree 100 percent. Of course many of us are involved with our exes, and as Helena so sagely noted, family can mean anything we can imagine. I hope to be closer with my own ex for lots of reasons including what that might tech our kids, and also to maintain a relationship that has been part of my life for a long time. But the reality is that when we divorce, we start new families – those that includes our respective exes less than before. We build new lives that are separate from our former husbands – in different romantic relationships, different homes and separate time spent with the kids.

That doesn’t make it any easier for all parties involved. Helena has sometimes disparagingly compared our’s to other families. And while we all want to feel normal and accepted, the reality is: life sometimes stinks. And then it goes on. And then we find a new normal, which will ultimately be upturned sooner or later. And each time, we pull ourselves together, gather our loved ones close, and find that we are still — remarkably — whole.

My single mom family definition

Last month, as part of our big Midwestern single parent family roadtrip, my kids and I stayed for 10 days in a gorgeous five-bedroom turn-of-the-century lake house in northern Michigan, a home swap with the older couple who live there and, in turn, stayed at my apartment in Queens.

The kids and I drove more than six hours from Niagra Falls that day, still fresh road warriors a mere few days into the adventure. As we cruised by Toronto and up through the fields of Michigan, I thought a lot about a good friend whose mother recently passed away. There was a line in her obituary that got me:

“They lived in Biloxi, M.S., Fulda, Germany, and Rapid City, S.D. In October, 1968, they returned to Illinois to continue to build their life and family together.”

Build their life. 

Together. 

A lot of the time I am happy in my single-mom life. The kids and I have a good thing going, they’re turning into great people. I am building my business, and as a family we have friendships and family relationships that grow. But a whole lot of my time and energy is spent dating guys who are not part of my family. People who pass through. While they might be fun or interesting or help me figure my stuff out, I am not building anything with anyone. Much of the time, I feel I am just passing through motherhood and family. Doing a fine job keeping the ship afloat. But building not much.

At our Michigan destination, the Subaru cruised into the beautiful resort town just as the son was setting over Lake Michigan, and pulled into the driveway of our temporary home. It was 9 p.m., we were all hungry, but ran through the rooms of the this giant house, which was far lovelier than the online pictures. Being from the Midwest, I have known many big old homes, and this was an excellent one, the kind with solid walls and surrounded by giant Sycamore trees, both of which leave the house cooler inside than outside in the summer.

Scattered throughout the house were many family pictures of the hosts, Harry and Nancy, in their 70s, and glowing and smiling alongside four of five grown, blond children with their handsome spouses and a mess of blond grandkids of all ages who appeared to excel in nautical sport.

The home was so lovely, filled with very good antiques and lots of floral bedspreads that coordinate perfectly with drapes and rugs without being stuffy — but rather call to be featured in Traditional Home magazine.

This is a real family home, I thought. I imagined this couple must have known each other since college. That she must have stayed home with the kids and devoted herself to this beautiful place and her beautiful blond children and her smiling, committed husband with whom she is nuzzled in the silver-framed photo on the walnut dresser in the giant master suite that I now occupied. This is why women stay home. To create all this wonderfulness. 

While my own kids ran through the rooms, turning on all the lights and deciding which rooms would be theirs (sharing a room in our apartment, they opted to sleep in the same queen bed all week), I hit the kitchen, outfitted with an enormous assortment of good china, endless baking tools and a second refrigerator in the adjoining pantry where Nancy, clearly a prolific cook, kept an overflow of excellent cheese, beer and condiments.

I could hear the kids squabbling upstairs, and in the kitchen I, too, felt exhausted and ornery. The car would need to be unpacked, towels located. But first I had to feed my kids. My children were hungry. 

I wasn’t at my quickest. Not sure what foods might be rude to use from the kitchen. What would be quick and tasty to cook. The assortment of bottles and cans and boxes and pans and utensils was so vast, so overwhelming. Harry and Nancy were so perfect. I was such a mess. I couldn’t even feed my children in that moment, much less build a life for them. I am a failure in this moment. And I am a failure in life! I thought, and a giant, desperate sob overtook me before I was able to collect myself and boil some expensive, imported pasta in a shape I had never seen before.

The next day I called a contact Nancy had left for me, and the lovely woman who contributes to the local magazine came by to chat about kids and writing. I asked what she might tell me about my hosts. “Oh Nancy was a divorced mom, too — for many years,” she said. “Her first husband was a terrible alcoholic, and she was a successful real estate agent here.”

I laughed. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Because, really Nancy. Oh Nancy! I had told myself so many stories about who you are, and they had nothing to do with anything at all except for my own bullshit. My own bullshit about not being or doing enough. That everyone has it better than me. That out there, somewhere, there is a perfect family in a perfect big house on the lake that a stay-at-home mom decorated and bakes all the live-long day so that her gorgeous, functional extended family can come together for weekends and drama-free holidays.

When I got done laughing, I started to see. I saw that yes, Nancy, you have some lovely traditional oil paintings that coordinated perfectly in your rooms that are indeed traditional, but also so graciously laid out and in colors like bright apricot or the palest of lime green that are quite modern and sophisticated. Your art collection was not what it first appears, but includes sly folk pieces, like a painting featuring a 3D papier-mâché woman with the hand written words: “She looked in the mirror to find her youth had disappeared. The bitch never even bothered to say goodbye.”

Your books throughout the house — a wall in one of the sitting rooms, on end tables, not to mention the cookbook collection spilling from the kitchen to the breakfast room — say a lot about a person. But in the master bedroom, between two windows opposite the king-sized bed, is that narrow shelf of titles that I could not help but imagine are your favorite. Carson McCullers, Memoirs of a Geisha, biographies of Hillary Clinton and female Muslim activist Ayaan Hirsi Ali. Nancy, you are smart, and you are edgy. Complex. You’ve been through it, just like everyone. Just like me.

Struggling with single mom guilt? Worried that you are failing your kids? Read: How to overcome 9 stereotypes keeping you broke

What is a single parent household?

The Census Bureau defines as a single-parent household any family in which the primary adult in a home including children is not married.

What are the disadvantages of a single parent family?

Statistically, single-parent households are more likely to experience poverty, and children who live with just one parent, especially if the other parent is not equally involved, are more likely to struggle academically, emotionally, in health and with long-term issues.

Is your spouse distant? Depressed? Are you worried your husband or wife is having an affair?

It is important to know the clues and be on the lookout for signs that your husband or wife wants to leave you.

This article outlines 15 signs your marriage will end in divorce. Here is how to tell if your husband or wants divorce or signs your wife wants to leave you and what you should do if you spot some of the signs:

What are the first signs of divorce

1. Sex stops, or sex starts to suck

2. They stop arguing with you

3. He or she spends more time with their own friends or family members than before — and less with you

4. General contempt and disrespect

5. Your husband becomes evasive or stops caring about future plans, whether planning vacations, holidays, home repairs — all now irrelevant because they are out of there

Financial signs of divorce

6. They are suddenly interested in the family finances, after leaving the money management to the other spouse

7. Using assets or credit in ways you hadn’t discussed

8. Intercept of financial or legal documents

9. Lots of talk about how poorly their business is doing

10. Refusal of a stay-at-home parent to get a job, or a lesser-earning spouse to take a higher-paying position

11. On the flip side, a spouse may turn down a promotion or overtime to lessen their financial responsibility post-breakup

12. You might find strange documents about apartments, or relocation offers around your home

Other changes in behavior that could be signs of divorce

13. They suddenly focus on their appearance

14. Sudden interest in the kids

15. They act secretive about their phone messages, texts, mail, and emails. Or: You catch them cheating

Bottom line: What to do if you see signs your spouse is planning to leave

What are the first signs of divorce?

It’s important to pay attention to your partner but also take note of how you feel and act. There are always signs leading up to a decision to divorce.

“When you see the sign, then you must identify what you want,” says Marley Howard, a Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist based in San Francisco. “For example, you want to be in a relationship, or you want to leave. Once you find your answer, then communicate.”

Howard, who is also an expert contributor to PsycheMag.com, a website dedicated to connecting people with mental and physical health professionals, says that married couples should try to communicate without hostility.

“You must discuss with your partner what you want, why they want to leave, and if there is any valid reason to consider, and you must mutually decide how to proceed,” she says.

So, if you are seeing one of the following signs in your partner, it may be time to talk to each other about what you want for the future of your relationship:

1. Sex stops, or sex starts to suck

If you’re still having sex, but the other partner stops caring about your pleasure, or intimate connection, they are checked out emotionally, and a divorce may be next. 

“When one of the partners in a marriage stops putting effort into sex, it can signal a lack of interest and willingness to be connected to the other partner,” says Callisto Adams, Ph.D.. “It’s a subconscious way of sabotaging the relationship.”

Adams is a member of the American Association of Sexualty Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), has a CME certification from the Harvard Medical School Treating Couples course, and is the founder of HeTexted, a relationship and dating blog.

She says that the lack of sexual effort shows a sense of surrender to the self-destruction of the marital connection.“In a way, your partner is choosing to let things fall apart instead of trying to work things out with you,” she says.

What to do now: Pray. Focus on your own wellbeing. They're done.

Read more about the research on sexless marriages and divorce, and other common causes of divorce.

2. They stop arguing with you

The married couple is upset and ignoring each other. If your spouse stops arguing with you even if you're bickering about certain issues, it can be a sign that he/she is ready for divorce.

If you’ve been bickering (or screaming) for years about certain issues, and they suddenly stop, they may very well have thrown in the towel.

“Most humans act out behaviorally because we lack the words to discuss what we want and need,” David Helfland, Psy.D. “Children do this all of the time.” 

As a licensed psychologist specializing in couple therapy retreats, neurofeedback and brain mapping, he says that the difference between an adult tantrum and a child tantrum is that adults have more financial means and the ability to act independently.

“If a child could throw a tantrum by leaving the house, flying to Vegas, and getting drunk, they most definitely would,” he says.

Helfland suggests that signs such as tantrums or even lack of care show that the marriage is in trouble and hopefully can be repaired with professional help. They don't mean a divorce is certain.

3. He or she spends more time with their own friends or family members than before — and less with you

You may have been your husband or wife’s primary comfort and friend, but now you have been replaced with other people (or a lover, for that matter).

Caleb Birkhoff, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in San Francisco, says that some partners may feel frustration or dread at the thought of spending more time together.

“A change in job, schedule, or a blending of activity/responsibilities isn’t welcomed with enthusiasm and excitement,” he says. 

Birkfhoff says that if each partner becomes accustomed to having their own time, the idea of giving that time to the other person becomes unbearable.

What to do now: Shore up your support system.

4. General contempt and disrespect

If your spouse overall is rude, dismissive and annoyed by you, they may be emotionally done beyond repair.

5. Your husband becomes evasive or stops caring about future plans, whether planning vacations, holidays, home repairs — all now irrelevant because they are out of there

Family therapist Lauren Cook-McKay from Manchester, Conn., says marriage is a commitment, and having a shared vision of the future is a foundational element of a lasting relationship. The vision provides structure and stability and shows that you’re willing to grow with each other and stay together despite challenges.

“A spouse who doesn’t care about your plans, be it a minor home repair or a

vacation with your kids, is losing that commitment,” she says. “It shows that they

don’t want to spend time with you, and hanging out with you feels like a

chore.”

She suggests working things out with compromise and conversation. And to try to do activities you both enjoy. If you involve your spouse in planning or let them lead the way, it could reignite the spark you once had.

However, if your partner is not open to any of these things, it could be a sign that they are ready to end the relationship.

What to do now: Find a divorce lawyer. Many attorneys offer free phone consultations. Find someone who promotes collaborative divorce or mediation, when appropriate.

Learn more about the pros and cons of amicable and uncontested divorce, and see if you qualify for an online divorce.

DivorceNet offers a free 30-minute divorce mediation consultation.

Financial signs of divorce

6. They are suddenly interested in the family finances, after leaving the money management to the other spouse

From the Wall Street Journal:

“Michael Stutman, past president of the New York state chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says one red flag could come from the spouse who shows new interest in credit-card offers. The spouse could be trying to build up credit in his or her name or be concerned about maintaining access to liquidity during the divorce, he says.”

In some cases, they may even revisit your prenuptial agreement, looking for loopholes or clarifications that would benefit them in a split.

What to do now: Research all your accounts, collect documents for bank, savings, investments, real estate, debt, loans. Open accounts in your own name to build and maintain credit.

7. Using assets or credit in ways you hadn’t discussed

Say, taking out large sums from a home equity line, unusually high spending on a joint credit card (or worse, one in the other spouse’s name), or withdrawal from investment accounts.

The opening of new accounts or credit cards in their name only is another sign. Or, unusually large cash withdrawals from accounts is another red flag, as is if a spouse stops contributing to investment accounts (because those funds may be stashed away as an exit strategy instead).

What to do now: Shit is now serious. Retain an attorney and move to freeze accounts. Half of this money is likely yours. Keep lots of records.

For example, if tax or investment documents were always mailed to both of you, and suddenly they stopped, your spouse may have signed up to receive them electronically — or snagged them from the USPS, or change account passwords without telling you.

What to do now: Educate yourself about investing and saving if you feel behind. Read: How to start investing to build wealth

9. Lots of talk about how poorly their business is doing

He or she might be planting notions that he has fewer assets and income than in actuality.

What to do now: Focus on your own earning.

If you are under-employed, start searching for a new job or side gig. Read: Top jobs for single moms

Assume you are entitled to alimony as a stay-at-home mom — or terrified you have to pay it? Educate yourself about alimony law, and also understand the negatives of relying on alimony income from an ex.

Also, as women become more successful, more and more moms are paying child support and alimony.

10. Refusal of a stay-at-home parent to get a job, or a lesser-earning spouse to take a higher-paying position

She may be ensuring higher child support or spousal maintenance.

What to do now: Call that lawyer.

11. On the flip side, a spouse may turn down a promotion or overtime to lessen their financial responsibility post-breakup

The less income they report now, the less they have to pay in child support or alimony.

12. You might find strange documents about apartments, or relocation offers around your home

They are looking for a new place to live.

Other changes in behavior that could be signs of divorce

13. They suddenly focus on their appearance

This might include plastic surgery, major weight-loss, or a new wardrobe. All may be signs of a new lease on life — without you.

What to do now: They are spending frivolously on their future. You need to secure yourself financially. Sock away all the cash you can in an online savings account in your name only. Make sure you have life insurance policies for both of you, as well as estate plans.

Should wives stay thin for their husbands?

14. Sudden interest in the kids

If they are thinking of leaving, and want to make sure they secure their share of custody time with the children, they show uncharacteristic interest in sports, religious, school and other activities, as well as ensure the children spend lots of time with their side of the family.

What to do now: Embrace a 50-50 custody arrangement. You’ll thank me later, no matter how scary or sad that may seem now.

15. They act secretive about their phone messages, texts, mail, and emails. Or: You catch them cheating

There may be an affair at play, or they may be waiting for a call from their lawyer, accountant, real estate agent, or spending time researching alimony law.

Bottom line: What to do if you see signs your spouse is planning to leave

Seeing one or more of these signs? Or maybe your spouse has even gone so far as to file for divorce behind your back.

When one spouse files for divorce, the other can feel blindsided —until weeks and months later, they look back and see all the red flags they were missing, or ignoring, or repeatedly turned down for sex. For years.

In my case, my ex-threatened to leave for months. I was pregnant, and couldn’t believe it — until he left his wedding ring on a shelf where he knew I’d see it. No subtlety there!

“There are often many indications of a pending divorce, but people don’t want to see them or acknowledge that their marriage may be in danger,” says Gretchen Cliburn, a financial planner and certified divorce financial analyst in Springfield, Mo., in Wall Street Journal.

Next steps: 

1. If your spouse hasn’t filed yet, read: How to leave your husband or wife or How to ask for a divorce

2. If your spouse has filed for divorce, read What to ask for in a divorce to prepare for divorce negotiations and get through this as quickly as possible.

3. Prepare for life as a co-parent: All about healthy co-parenting for the rest of your life

4. Take time to get your finances in order.

Sell the engagement ring for $$

5. Finally, you get a chance to start over after divorce and a one-year pass to be a hot mess.

How about you? What signs did you show that you were ready to leave you? What did your ex do to signal he was ready for divorce? Share in the comments …

How do you define a single mom vs. solo mom?

Increasingly, it is moms who pay their exes child support and alimony, and their vitriol about the matter is often far more acute than when payer and payee fall along traditional gender lines.

According to a survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 54% of attorneys report an increase in the number of mothers paying child support during the past three years, and 45% have also seen a rise in women being responsible for alimony.  “While men have almost always expected to pay alimony, many women still have a very difficult time accepting that this financial obligation might fall to them,” said Madeline Marzano-Lesnevich, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

Do women pay child support?

How child support works

How is child support calculated?

How does child support work if the father or mother has no job?

15 ways to deal when you’re paying for child support

Do women pay child support?

Yes, women pay child support, contrary to popular (and sexist) beliefs. Child support law and calculators are different in every state, but typically, the lower-earning parent is entitled to child support payments from the higher-earning parent. 

Many moms report they successfully negotiated out of paying child support and alimony by way of a mediated divorce, or out-of-court negotiations. Working out the agreement between the two of you, in the most low-conflict way possible, is highly advised. Not only will this save you untold thousands of dollars, heartache, time and anxiety, but less drama now means lower stress long-term, and a better co-parenting relationship for the duration.

Hiring a skilled family lawyer can be one way to go. Other families successfully negotiate and file their own divorce and family court settlements, sometimes with the help of online divorce products. Or, you can learn more about filing your own court papers for divorce online, as well our review of the most trustworthy companies.

How child support works

Each state has a child support calculator or a formula applied to one or both parents’ incomes, and the number of children they share. Household income can be considered (including if there is a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, grandparents or roommates) living in one of the homes. 

Child support calculators can be adjusted if the paying parent has children with another parent.

There is often an income cap for one or both parents combined. For example, in Texas, the noncustodial parent’s income is capped at $8,550 per month, though a judge can order additional child support based on the parents’ income and the child’s needs.

If you are the mother and want to take the child's father to court for support, you may have to prove paternity. You can buy a home DNA paternity test online through Walgreens or CVS.

What child support covers

Typically, child support payments are intended to cover the basic living expenses of the child. These include:

  • Housing 
  • Food 
  • Clothes 
  • Utilities

What is not covered by child support

Usually, family courts separate these basic living expenses, with “extras” for which another calculator applies, to make payment of these expenses more equitable, based on a percentage of each parent’s income (the higher-earning parent paying a larger share).

In some states, these expenses are lumped together with the basic child support payment. In other states, these are calculated separately, or the parents are expected to work between themselves to track, divide and pay for these items.

Extra expenses might include:

  • Childcare — daycare, nanny, after-school care
  • Medical/health insurance
  • Out-of-pocket medical expenses (doctor and hospital co-pays)
  • Therapy
  • Extracurricular activities like sports, theater, music, art classes and teams
  • Camp
  • School fees, including private school tuition

How is child support calculated?

Again, every state’s child support calculations are different and often include the discretion of the judge.

If you can settle your child support payments outside of court, either through an attorney or directly with your child’s father, the negotiating parties can decide whatever sums they please.

However, child support guidelines of the state in which you reside are usually a starting point in any discussions, inside or outside of court.

Child support payments nearly always are paid from the greater-earning spouse who does not have primary residence, to a lower-earning spouse who has the children the majority of the time, also referred to as “primary custody.”

Typically, these delineations fall along gender lines:

The higher-earning father has the children every-other-weekend, and the mom has the children the rest of the time.

Think that is sexist and uncool? You’ll enjoy my manifesto calling for 50-50 shared parenting and no child support.

There are many places around the United States where child support payments are tied to the amount of time spent with the children. In other words, if time-sharing is equal, no one pays any child support. Or, (using gender stereotypical roles here) the father chooses to spend more time with the kids, he is then ordered to pay less support, on a sliding scale.

Other states, like New York, require a higher-earning parent to pay more to the lower-earning parent, no matter how parenting time is divided.

Here is an example of how one New York family’s child support payments were calculated, even though they have the same income.

Sarah and Omar have four children.

Sarah, the custodial parent, and Omar, the non-custodial parent, have identical annual incomes of $67,500.

Their combined annual income is $135,000.

Per the state guidelines for four children (detailed above), Omar and Sarah multiply their combined income by .31 (31%). The result shows their basic child support obligation is $41,850 annually.

Sarah’s income is 50 percent of the combined parental income.

The amount she is expected to pay as the non-custodial parent is calculated by multiplying the combined child support obligation of $41,850 by .50 (50%).

Sarah must pay Omar $20,925 annually or $1,743.75 per month in child support.

Child support calculator

You can find your’s state child support calculator here.

As one example, here is New York’s child support guideline calculator:

  • 1 child: 17% of combined income
  • 2 children: 25% of combined income
  • 3 children: 29% of combined income
  • 4 children: 31% of combined income
  • 5 or more children: at least 35% of combined income

In New York, when the combined parental income exceeds $148,000, the court does not have to apply the child support formula to the entire amount. In these cases, the court usually follows the formula for the first $148,000 of income, then adds additional support based on the custodial parent’s ability to provide for the children.

Child support payments and enforcement

In every state, you can have child support paid through a central payment center, or child support enforcement services. This is advised in most cases, as it documents all the payments from one parent to the next, keeps tally on arrears, and can be set up to automate payments from a bank account or paycheck. Benefits include documentation and ease of use. Also if you choose to pursue unpaid child support, your state’s child support enforcement bureau can use this system to withhold funds from paychecks, tax returns and be used to revoke a driver’s license or even enforce jail time.

Some parents are able to work out child support payments amongst themselves. They may choose to transfer money between their bank accounts or through a paper check mailed or handed to the other parent in cash.

Even if you use child support enforcement to receive or pay regular child support, out-of-pocket expenses like medical care, extracurricular activities and childcare may need to be reimbursed for regularly.

Often, parents track these expenses through a co-parenting app, email or Google docs.

What you need to know about uncontested divorce

Is child support taxable income?

Child support is not considered income for the recipient. In other words, the child support payor pays regular income and other taxes on their income, and then pays a portion to the other parent.

What single moms and dads need to know about tax returns

If I have my child 50% of the time, do I pay child support?

In every state, the child support calculator applies to separated and divorced families, with the higher-paying parent typically paying the lower-paying parent support, and/or a higher percentage of out-of-pocket add-ons like child care, health insurance and extracurricular activities. In some states, the parent with the lesser sum of parenting time pays child support, regardless of who earns more, and in some states child support is a sliding scale based on income as well as number of overnights monthly.

Typically, even when parents share parenting time equally, a court will still apply the child support calculator. However, increasingly, parents are choosing to forego child support en lieu of a more equitable, amicable co-parenting relationship.

How does child support work if the father or mother has no job?

Most states require a non-custodial parent to pay even a minimum child support sum, regardless of income. Often, based on a parent's education and past work experience, an income is imputed, or estimated, based on what that mom or dad should be expected to earn.

Imputed income in a divorce: How does a judge impute income for child support or spousal support?

A parent's earning capacity is determined by the following factors, which a judge can use to impute a parent's income for purposes of child support or alimony:

  • Age
  • Ability/health
  • Education
  • Work history/resume
  • Income history
  • Child care responsibilities

Sometimes, other sources of income are also imputed in family lawy. These factors outside of the child support calculator can include:

  • Income of new boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, who is contributing to the household expenses.
  • Financial support from other relatives
  • Pensions and retirement plans
  • Social Security benefits
  • Unemployment benefits
  • Veteran's benefits
  • Interest on investments
  • Rents from real estate properties

Note that both spouses'/parents' income can be imputed for purposes of child support and alimony. Divorce and family court judges know that it benefits the payor and payee to make their income appear as low as possible to either minimize or maximize payments ordered.

How to decide whether or not to get divorced — pros, cons and how to tell your wife or husband you want a divorce.

15 ways to deal with resentment if you are a mom who pays child support or alimony

Come to peace with paying your ex alimony

Tell yourself: “Within one year I will have accepted that I must pay him, and have adjusted my mindset, budget and career goals to make this work for me.” Then, write down actions steps how you will do this.

The more you earn may mean you pay him more, but also that you will earn more! This will not only mean more money, but also that you will achieve career goals, take on more interesting and high-profile projects, interact with more successful and high-profile colleagues and fulfill your potential, living within your power, and not mired in resentment.

Are you stuck? Not sure how to break the cycle of bad habits, negative thoughts, beating yourself up? You’re not alone! Therapy can be a big help, and if cash and time are in short supply, consider online therapy.

9 signs of toxic parenting

Stop talking about it.

Women paying alimony to men is a controversial and compelling topic, and your friends, family, nosey neighbors and prying colleagues will be enthralled. They will have all kinds of nasty things to say about your ex, and many of them will be very sexist— if not completely satisfying to hear in the face of your own likely anger.

While understandably satiating for a time, shut this cycle of complaining and validation down ASAP. Move on.

Minimize interaction with your ex

At a very minimum, automate any payments via automatic bank transfer so that you do not have to physically write and hand him a check, and you do not have to manually sending him the monthly sum. Offer to pay future support in a lump sum by way of equity in a home, investment accounts, or a single cash payment. One single resent-ridden payment is ultimately less painful and incites less hostility between co-parents than payments made bi-weekly.

In her mediated divorce, Sasha, a music executive, and her ex, a sculptor, calculated how much she would owe him in alimony and child support payments for the 10 years, when their three kids are scheduled to graduate college. That sum totaled her approximate equity in the home they shared, which she relinquished en lieu of painful monthly payments. “Sometimes I get really angry about it, especially since my family gave us the down payment for that house,” she says. “Even though I have to start over in my retirement savings and currently live in a small apartment, I am so happy to be out of that marriage.”

Don’t perpetuate the family court drama story

Family and divorce attorneys love child support and alimony. Why? Money is the No. 1 reason parents return to court time and again. This doesn’t benefit parents (fact, per Census: the average sum of child support ordered by family courts is $400, and less than 40% of what is ordered is actually paid).

Maintaining the tension with your ex by way of bitterness and arguing over money does not serve you, your kids’ father, or your children. Also: your friends and family are sick of hearing about all the drama.

Lawyers, however, pay their mortgages, car payments and vacations by way of all this drama.

Aim for low-conflict, even if paying seems unfair (and I believe you! It likely really is unfair!).

Accept that alimony/child support is the price you had to pay to get out of a bad relationship

Whether the split was your ideas or his, it matters not in the eyes of the court. What does matter is that it wasn’t working for you as a couple, and now you are free to pursue a life and relationship that does work. Good things often come at a price. In your case, this is a financial price. As one divorce attorney told me: “I often have men come into my office, having saved wads of cash for years in a box in the back of the closet in order to be able to finance a divorce. It’s like saving for a boat or retirement home on the beach.”

Related: 19 reasons why alimony is unfair and hurts gender equality

Ask your ex to fund the kids’ college savings plans.

Part of Jessica’s agreement with her ex is that she pay him 28 percent of her annual bonus. He agreed this payment goes into their two children’s college 529 savings plan.

If you truly cannot afford your current lifestyle while making these payments, downgrade your lifestyle. Yes, it may seem unfair, but accept that this is your situation, at least temporarily, and embrace it. Focus on the fact that that a smaller house is easier to clean, has a smaller impact on the environment, and teaches your children about materialism and your values. Replace resort vacations with road trips to spend time with family and friends, and appreciate how these relationships are deepened because of it.

Remember that alimony and child support were huge, wonderful feminist coups.

How would you feel about a situation like yours if the gender roles were reversed? While alimony reform is ripe for reform, our current laws were designed to protect women and children who really had few other financial options. As the system slowly evolves to reflect current opportunities for both genders, there is a middle, gap generation that must pay the price. Just as in any revolution. You are a revolutionary for this cause, a model for other women on how to divorce like a feminist.

Focus on how your kids benefit from this payment — and how you benefit by default.

Anne, who owns a seven-figure-per-year public relations firm, today successfully co-parents with the father of their two-small children, whom her ex had stayed home with full-time for four years. Before that, he worked in restaurants as a chef, earning barely above minimum wage.

Anne happily pays rent on her ex’s two-bedroom apartment, as well as monthly maintenance to him directly. “I see it as an investment in my children’s quality of life, as well as my own,” she says. “If I didn’t pay him, he’d be making $20,000 per year as a line cook, and my kids would be staying in squalor when they’re with him. This way, he continues to be very involved in their lives, which is great for them, and helps me enormously as I run my demanding business.”

Who gets what in divorce? What each of you are legally entitled to

Peel away the layers of resentment, which are rooted in what happened during the relationship.

Jessica recognizes that her ex had little motivation to build his writing career because she never demanded he be financially responsible to the family, including take over child care duties when he was between jobs. Resentment towards others is nearly always rooted in resentment for ourselves, and the role you played in co-creating the situation.

If are bitter about paying your ex, explore why and how the situation came to be, and own any part you played in it. Did you enable your ex’s lack of motivation? Did you co-create a situation in which you felt more powerful because you earned the money, or had the higher-profile career? Did you dream of saving your low-earning spouse from a flailing business? These are all common and very normal scenarios.

Aim to understand the root of what happened. Forgive yourself. And aim to forgive him, too — even if he cheated.

Then, find ways to move on. Sell your engagement ring. Learn to enjoy your alone time. Start dating again.

Find the advocates for alimony reform in your state, and get involved

If you truly believe you are paying too much, weigh carefully the costs of revisiting the issue legally, and do your best to approach this as a practical process, and not an emotional one. Ask yourself: Am I seeking reduced payments because I believe legally that is the right thing to do? Or am I really trying to punish him for being such a dickhead?

Likely, you truly believe that child support and alimony are sexist ways that have legislated women being financially dependent on men. You are an outlier that illustrates how messed up that is.

Find ways to be an activist for family court reform. Share your experience with other divorcing moms and dads and attorneys. Be part of the change you want to see.

Life after divorce — 3 things you can do now to move on

Don’t linger in family court.

If it is a matter of returning to family court to amend child support payments because your ex’s income has increased, or yours has decreased, or one of your kids has aged out of your agreement, make hasty work of the process, and calculate the time, energy, likely conflict with your ex and other negatives before launching a campaign for revisions. Likewise, if you are seeking to reduce alimony, consider the likely large legal fees and related time and stress in your future against the likelihood that payments will be reduced. In other words, apply the time / money / energy equation with a level head.

Never tie time with your children to payments.

In some states, child support payments are calculated based on how much time the kids spend with one or the other payment. That system is rife with issues, including that paying parents often fight for more time with their kids in order to owe less in support, but then fail to see their kids as ordered by the court agreement. The result is not only disappointed kids, the frustrated other parent, and a clogged family court. This system reduces kids to collateral. Do not be part of the problem.

Hard as it, do not threaten to stop paying your ex.

As you co-parent, there will be lots of reasons to fight. You may never completely rid yourself of resentment about paying him, and that is very human. But try your very, very hardest not to threaten not to pay him. There are likely serious legal ramifications if you do not. And there are definitely negative consequences to your relationships. In otherwise: Try your damnedest not to threaten.

Refocus your rage into fuel for earning more.

Vanessa was stunned to learn that after her ex left her for a much younger neighbor, she had to pay him nearly $70,000 per year in alimony and child support.

“During all the years of marriage, I always tried to support his tech business, encouraged him to invest my income in getting it off the ground, even paid his student loan debt. I eventually realized he had a really crappy work ethic, and was taking advantage. The kids were in full-time, very expensive daycare, and he didn’t do his share around the house. How is it fair that I supported him all those years and I still have to support him! Doesn’t he have any sense of being a man, and taking care of his family?”

Shortly after the separation, Vanessa was offered a promotion and is considering turning it down. “While this would be a huge career move for me, one that I’ve been working towards for a long time, it would also mean a lot more travel, which would be hard on all of us. Plus, the more I earn, the more I’d have to pay him, and that just makes me so furious!”

If you are a single mom who pays child support or alimony, it is very important that you never, ever hold yourself back professionally or financially to spite your ex with lower payments. Never illegally hide income (because committing crime is stressful, as is jail time, no matter how flattering orange may be on you!), or stall your career goals in order to be ordered to pay him less.

If you intentionally earn less to lower your child support or alimony payments, you live a smaller life rooted in anger by handing your power over to your ex. The world misses out on your talents, and you set a lesser example for your children. In the short-term, money may be tight as you support two households, but in the long-term, focusing on the big picture of growing your career and income will pay dividends in every single facet of your life, including your relationship with your ex.

In most states, child support and alimony payments are capped. When it comes to how much you can earn, the sky is the limit. I have seen so many fabulous cases of people who harnessed financial stress after becoming single moms to gloriously successful professional lives.

Make this your story. Earn and invest and build wealth with abandon.

After all, you likely have little control over how much you have to pay. But you have 100 percent control over how much you can earn.

Remember: Everything is temporary.

You could lose your job or ability to earn, and the financial tables could turn at any time. Kids age out of child support, and exes become far more successful than you thought he was capable of. Acceptance tempered with hope and kindness are your BFFs.

Rachel for a time received child support from her ex, but when she started earning more, and he lost his job, she was obliged by the courts to pay him support. She chooses to pay him more than required, even though the years when he paid were riddled with skipped payments, and snide comments about how his obligation was too much:

I pay more than what the state has mandated, and wrote it as such in my modified custody order. I also buy more things on top of that because that is my child, and I want her to have a certain quality of life. I can say without a doubt that going through this modification has set aside a lot of the resentment between my daughter’s dad and me. He understands how expensive it is to raise a child, and that support doesn’t go far. I have no issues about it at all and I am very happy to give more when I can. I think my ex also appreciates what it was like for me when I was struggling financially. Now that we traded places we have a much better and very flexible co-parenting relationship. And my daughter is so much happier because there is less hostility between us.

What do you think? Are you a mom who pays child support or alimony? How do you come to peace with it? Share in the comments.

Do women pay child support?

Yes, women pay child support, contrary to popular (and sexist) beliefs. Child support law and calculators are different in every state, but typically, the lower-earning parent is entitled to child support payments from the higher-earning parent.

How is child support calculated?

Child support payments nearly always are paid from the greater-earning spouse who does not have primary residence, to a lower-earning spouse who has the children the majority of the time, also referred to as ‘primary custody.'

How does child support work if the father or mother has no job?

Most states require a non-custodial parent to pay even a minimum child support sum, regardless of income. Often, based on a parent's education and past work experience, an income is imputed, or estimated, based on what that mom or dad should be expected to earn.

If I have my child 50% of the time, do I pay child support?

In every state, the child support calculator applies to separated and divorced families, with the higher-paying parent typically paying the lower-paying parent support, and/or a higher percentage of out-of-pocket add-ons like child care, health insurance and extracurricular activities.

He says:

She says:

They ask:

Should wives stay thin for their husbands?

The woman measures her waistline with a measuring tape.
Mikhail Nilov

He says: “My wife got fat.”

A few months ago I heard from a reader who felt guilty because he wasn't attracted to his after she gained weight. 

“I used to think guys were assholes who cheated on their wives and blamed their weight as the reasons. Well, my wife was really fit and hot for the first 5 years of our relationship.

“But she wife pigged out like crazy when she was pregnant with our twins, and would tell everyone that she was ‘treating' herself. Well, now the kids are 5 years old, and she doesn't work, the kids are in kindergarten all day, she has tons of free time, and has made no effort to get back into shape. I go the gym or jog 4-5 days per week, and have offered to help her find a routine (with me taking care of the kids, etc.) so she can go to the gym, but she ignores me. I've taken over cooking so we all eat healthier, but she eats chips and ice cream all evening. 

“I am in good shape, and I see that women check me out. She is overweight by at least 30 lbs and does not otherwise care for her appearance. When we do have sex, it is hard for me to really be into it. I'll be honest: I feel like is unfair that she gets to have sex with someone who goes to the gym, and I don't.

“There is a woman at work who is my age, also has kids, and takes care of herself. She is not even my type, but I find myself so attracted to her, her body, and fantasizing about her all the time. I feel guilty, that this superficial thing makes me feel like such a bad dad and husband. 

“But at the end of the day, I feel like I give my wife the gift of my own health and attractiveness, and she does not return the favor.”

For couples facing similar challenges, seeking practical solutions can be beneficial. If overall health has become a concern, Liposet's Premium Health Supplement Bundles may be a great option to support your wellness journey.

“My wife is gaining weight on purpose.”

A man emailed me recently: “My wife found out that I’d had an affair, and even though we are working through our marriage in therapy and I have broken off the relationship and am very committed to the relationship, I feel like my wife is intentionally packing on the pounds to punish me. It’s as if she is exploiting my guilt and excessive promises to never leave her by intentionally making herself unattractive to me — almost daring me to leave her.”

I think this guy’s read on his marriage is spot-on: His wife wants out of the marriage, but wants him to be the one to leave her for what many will consider a petty and selfish reason: Her weight gain.

She says: “I feel too fat for my husband.”

We all want to be with someone we are attracted to both in and out of bed, and who we are proud to be seen with. Weight, fashion and other variants vary by person. This is not wrong.

Can you talk to your husband about how you feel?

How to feel sexy and confident when you feel old, gross and fat

Personal story about weight and marriage:

My husband was mostly fit, though he put on a few pounds after we married, which bothered him, and made him worry it bothered me. It didn't (though his self-consciousness did). I have always taken care of myself, though I could stand to lose a good 10-15 lbs. People often remark that I always look nice and wear makeup every day, even though I almost always work from home. During one counseling session, in a plea for more appreciation, I mentioned that I freshened up my makeup before my husband came home. “Wow, that is really something—women hardly ever do that,” the therapist said (cue my gloating).

On the other hand, my current boyfriend has a really killer body. Seriously, I cannot get enough of his broad shoulders and muscular ass. We recently went to the theater and I spent the whole two hours clawing at his huge arms. His back is so rock-solid I sometimes wonder if I'm not sleeping with David, looted from Florence. His physique is not the main attraction, but it is an important one. As our relationship develops—and our bodies deteriorate as bodies are prone to do—I would hope that our intellectual and emotional rapport would deepen, and replace to a degree my focus on being ravished by his man-body. But, of course, if in years to come, the socks-on-the-floor and other minor and major grievances mushroom into serious relationship friction, I can imagine piling onto the list a flabby tummy or swinging triceps. In other words: If the relationship is solid, bodies matter less. But when things go south—drooping boobs and a sagging ass seem that much more egregious—especially if we're talking about something within the person's control, like weight gain.

But this all comes down to expectations from the very beginning. I can imagine my boyfriend's inevitable physical decline bugging me more than my ex-husband's because his is better to start with. His bod plays a larger role in our story, and—should things head that way—the expectations for the long-term. Marriage, after all, is an agreement and a business deal based on current expectations. You expect going forward what you sign up for today. It's not reasonable for a man to be be surprised his wife doesn't acquire a string-bikini-worthy body 20 years into their relationship if she was plump when they met.

How to decide whether to get divorced

“My husband says my weight is a problem.”

Listen to him. He wants you to be attractive — and healthy. If you are unhealthy, that affects the activities and lifestyle you two can enjoy together. It also shows that you care about not being a burden and dependent on him if your health fails.

Now, if you do live a healthy lifestyle, and maintain a healthy weight, the problem may be him and his ego. If he is mean about sharing this concern, he is otherwise unhappy in the relationship and/or an asshole. There are other issues in this relationship you need to address.

“My husband is not attracted to me because I gained weight.”

Often, the issue is not just the weight. It is that you stopped caring about your health and appearance. It may be that the emotional or intellectual connect is no longer there — or was never there in the first place. Weight and appearance are important — but usually part of a more complex picture of your relationship.

Signs of a toxic relationship

“My husband left me because I gained weight.”

Does your divorce story start and end with, “My husband left me because I got fat”?

Maybe a boyfriend broke up with you because you gained weight. 

Maybe he had an affair with a thinner woman, or started dating a smaller girlfriend shortly after you divorced. Maybe he told you: “I'm not attracted to you anymore because you are overweight, and I want a divorce.”

I imagine that hurts like hell. After all my own, related shame around my body in romantic relationships hurt really badly, even though it was not a full marriage at stake. 

But I am not going to let you off that easily. Two big points:

1. It takes two people to make a marriage work, and it takes two people to end it. If your weight were the single deal-breaker in keeping the marriage together (which it never is, keep reading), then why wouldn't you just lose the weight? 

2. It is never just about the weight. Fat people stay happily married all the time. So do couples in which one is fit and the other is not. Weight is like money in a marriage: It does not help or hurt a  marriage in and of itself. What the thing does is highlight other, deeper, more human parts of the people involved, and the inner workings of the relationship itself.

As psychiatrist Gail Saltz told the Today Show:

“Your turned-off feelings likely have to do with a lot more than weight. I suspect there are other issues that are harder to pinpoint: You are angry at your wife, you feel awkward being honest with her, you have let your lives become dominated by workday things, you have trouble communicating.

“I’m not saying that having an overweight spouse has no impact on your sex life. Sure, your wife might be less attractive to you in the physical sense. And being overweight sends a negative message — that your wife doesn’t care enough about herself, the marriage or whether you have sex. Now, you fear saying anything and she feels you are pulling away, so you are wary around each other, setting off a vicious circle of avoidance and annoyance.”

What to do when your husband or wife says they're done

They ask:

“Why do wives get fat?”

The reasons wives get fat are the same reasons everyone else gets fat: 

  • Not prioritizing health
  • Too little time to exercise and/or cook healthy foods 
  • Childbirth and nursing tend to be connected with weight gain 
  • Emotional issues involving food, self-image and connection to our physical selves, which can stem from deep and old wounds 
  • She is pushing him away. Whether consciously or consciously, she may really be unhappy in the marriage, and knows that her weight is an easy way for him to blame her for the end of the relationships—and for her to label him a superficial jerk for not loving her no matter what. 
  • People are complicated and complex.
  • Marriages are complicated and complex. 

This Cornell University study found some interesting takeaways about marriage and weight gain:

  • Married people are heavier than single people
  • Obese women are happier than other women in their marriages. Researchers suspect this is because they appreciate that their value on the singles market is low, and therefore are contented with their marriages than thinner women. 
  • Obese men were less happy with their wives than other men, because, the paper proposes, their wives nag them about their weight, which causes marital conflict, and because men do not internalize societal fat-shaming as much as women.

“Will losing weight help my marriage?”

It might. Any effort to take care of and love yourself will improve your self-confidence, which improves relationships in your life — including your marriage. This new dynamic also may highlight other flaws in your relationship that have nothing to do with your weight.

Here’s what a friend of said:

A friend was telling me of her new diet and plans to lose 20 lbs. “I told Jack (her husband of 10 years), ‘I'm so sorry I got fat since we married!'” From everything I can tell, their relationship is thriving, but my friend has a deep-rooted sense that she has an obligation to make efforts in her appearance and weight.

This is no 50s housewife. This is a progressive, fabulous professional woman who enjoyed an adventurous love life for years before marrying a wonderful (also progressive and fabulous) man. I admit I was a bit taken aback by her commitment to maintaining her figure for her husband. The partyline progressive and feminist (is that redundant?) stance is that it doesn't matter what you look like! He should love you/be committed no matter what! Conforming appearances for your partner's sexual desire is degrading! It's what's inside that matters.

Like many progressive and feminist issues, this one does not take into account the very human nature of dudes and chicks. There is no arguing with the fact that men are more visually inclined. Sure, there have been a couple of recent studies that challenge this stereotype, but suffice it to say that an MSNBC poll a few years ago revealed that half of men would dump his female partner if she got fat (just 20 percent of women said the same of their husbands and boyfriends). According to my own scientific research (dating a bunch of divorced guys), I can tell you that if his wife got fat, it bugged him. Even the really progressive and feminist guys. And, I might add, especially the professionally successful ones.

“Should we try relationship/marriage counseling when a husband or wife gets fat?”

A skilled couples therapist—whether you are married or not—can be instrumental in helping your communicate your needs and stresses in the relationship. A good relationship counselor will also help you and your husband or wife uncover the deeper reasons that you are not connecting any more—and help you realign once again.

Couples counseling can be very challenging for reasons that include practical ones:

  • It is hard to schedule a time that works for both of you—including location and driving to and from the session
  • Cost, since insurance rarely pays for therapy any more 
  • Finding a couples counselor that you both like, which is especially hard in smaller communities that have fewer mental health professionals 

Online therapy platforms are a great option. BetterHelp has an A+ Better Business Bureau rating, and allows you to choose from thousands of certified and licensed therapists. With prices starting at $60 per week for unlimited messaging and weekly live sessions, BetterHelp is extremely convenient and efficient. Financial assistance is available. Read about my experience with BetterHelp.

Or, research reviews of the top online therapy sites to find the help you need, now.

“Is weight gain a reason for divorce?”

Weight gain is really never the reason for divorce. The weight symbolizes a lack of effort to maintain the relationship, lack of sexual connection, failure to prioritize health or simply a growing apart.

Plus, people have divorced for far, far less.

15 signs your husband or wife wants a divorce

“What do you do if your spouse or significant other gains weight and you want to leave him/her?”

First of all, just be honest with your partner. Maybe you sit down and tell them:

“I really love you, and I want desperately to make this relationship to work. For me, that includes each of us taking care of our health and physical appearance. That includes weight.”

If things have gotten this far without this level of honesty (which is likely a sign of your kindness!), then bring in a professional. 

If your marriage or relationship is really headed for divorce, be smart and start planning. Here is what every mom should ask for in divorce negotiations.

This post was originally published Nov. 9, 2014. 

Will losing weight help my marriage?

It might. Any effort to take care of and love yourself will improve your self-confidence, which improves relationships in your life, including your marriage. This new dynamic also may highlight other flaws in your relationship that have nothing to do with your weight.

Is weight gain a reason for divorce?

Weight gain is really never the reason for divorce. The weight symbolizes a lack of effort to maintain the relationship, lack of sexual connection, failure to prioritize health or simply a growing apart.

Why do wives get fat?

The reasons wives get fat are the same reasons everyone else gets fat: not prioritizing health, too little time to exercise, and many more.

Itching to get out of the house? Ready to travel? Maybe you’re a new single mom trying to figure it all out. Single mom travel with kids is a thing.

Even as a newly single mom with very little extra income, and a huge sense of overwhelm, I have still been able to take at least two trips each year—sometimes with my kids, other times with a man or a girlfriend, and often (my favorite), alone.

Here you will find tales of past summer road trips, and all my advice about single mom road tripping, and why you absolutely must travel with your kids. It is one of the most empowering things you can do.

Single moms, here’s why you should schedule a road trip with your kids

12 road trip essentials for kids

  1. Plan ahead for your travel
  2. Create traditions
  3. Create an affordable budget — and stick to it
  4. Team up with other adults 
  5. Pack snacks—but not too many
  6. Don’t rely on gadgets
  7. Bring family road trip games
  8. Find ways to exercise
  9. Remember: Everything is a big deal when you’re little
  10. Take the slow road
  11. Start by searching for “road trips near me”
  12. Just do it 

Emma's experience with road trips as a single mom:

Bottom line: Yes, single moms do travel! Here’s how:

Single moms, here’s why you should schedule a road trip with your kids

Tomorrow morning I leave on a 10-day road trip with my kids, ages 3 and 5.

I thought of cooking up a clever intro to this post, but the bare-bone facts seem to be plenty compelling to anyone to whom I mention this adventure.

The trip — New York to Chicago, Milwaukee, rural Illinois and back — will be long, yes. And — mark my words — it will be fun! Even for me.

We could have flown. I have flown many times with my kids, and I have to say that they are awesome flyers. Airports are exciting, and they get into the protocol of check-in, boarding, ordering whatever you want to drink from the attendant. Dollar-for-dollar, flying and driving come out about equal — gas, hotel, restaurant meals considered.

But I believe driving will be better. Here is why:

Driving is more freeing

My family's life is so structured. We have a schedule, each and every day. As a divorced family, we have even more than others: the weekdays are built around work and school, evenings and weekends split between my house and my ex's. Rushing to catch planes is just one more time-sensitive task that I am compelled to avoid. So I am.

Best co-parenting apps

I want to reconnect with my kids.

If we flew, we would be going from our crazy New York life to the home of friends and relatives. Sure, I would spend plenty of time with each of my children over a week and a half.

But when it is just the three of us on four wheels for days on end, we will get into the groove of it being just the three of us. Otherwise, I can get into the groove of either being without my kids, or looking to the hours when I am without my kids. I want it to be different.

Positive Parenting Solutions review: Is it worth it?

Kids need to learn how to just be, and not be entertained

My neighbor Jen, now in her early 50s, has very fond memories of annual month-long roadtrips starting when she was aged 3 and her brother 5. Her parents took the backseat out of their VW Bug and the kids would play, nap and snack as they cruised leisurely across time zones. For weeks on end, people.

True: I am bringing my iPad loaded with two movies: Charlotte's Web and Night at the Museum (I figured out how to mount the device between the front seats with a bungee cord). I downloaded the audio recording of Stuart Little. Then we will pass the time by counting silos and sing 99 Bottles of Beer, just like I did as a kid. Except it will be fun.

I want to prove I can do it

I want to feed my ego and thumb my nose at all the people who tell me I am crazy and that I will do a U-ie on Rt. 80 when my kids are pooping in their booster seats and throw half-gnawed organic yogurt-covered pretzels at the back of my head like confetti.

Because a) my angels never act like that, and b) if they do, I will just crank up the Feist and continue on with cruise control until the next rest stop. Where I will bind them to their seats with the bungee cord.

I want to learn how to indulge my kids

This is something that is hard for me to do, and I want to get better at it. Do special things, spoil them a little. I don't believe in buying lots of stuff — for adults or kids. My children have never tasted fast food. But we will be stopping at McDonald's PlayPlaces and it better blow their goddamned minds.

This scene is rich for material

I am opting not to video record / seek endorsements / take copious notes on this trip, despite what my colleagues urge, en lieu of taking a proper vacation. You know, a vacation? Like, days and weeks when you do not work? That.

In fact, I just turned down a big radio interview, even though I could have figured out how to make sure I was in decent cell service off the freeway in Pennsylvania at 3 p.m. Eastern tomorrow, but that would be stressful. And a radio interview, as fun as it is, is classified under work — not vacation.

Instead, I think something even better will come of focusing on my kids. Like living stories to write about. Stories that will make me rich and famous. And so check back here over the next couple of weeks.

I don't have many plans, so I can't tell you what you will find. But you may just get reportage from the field. Field of happy vacationing. In a 1999 red Subaru Forester named Rosie. With two kids. And a mom. Whose blood pressure is actually lower than when she departed.

12 road trip essentials for kids

After returning from a 2-week road trip with my kids, this is my perspective:

Why was everyone I know warning me not to make the trek from New York City to rural Illinois with my two children? Maybe it’s because the kids are ages 3 and 5. Or perhaps they worried my sanity would be tested by the fact that this journey happened by car. Or was it that I did it alone, with no other adult along for the good times?

Despite friends’ and acquaintances’ dire predictions of highway meltdowns and sleepless nights in hotels, I was thrilled to find how fun and relaxing the trip was. Lucas and Helena were remarkably well behaved, and I enjoyed the whole experience far more than I predicted—and despite the naysayers’ shrill warnings, I predicted it would be fun!

I had never done a trip like this with Helena and Lucas, and I learned a few things about traveling with little kids. If you plan on taking a similar trip, here’s what you need to know:

1. Plan ahead for your travel

Whether it is a vacation destination (think Disney or an Antarctica cruise for adventurous families), or even visiting relatives, find a few fun things to research, discuss as a family, and look forward to. On our list this year includes meeting a new niece, visiting a lighthouse with my mom, and listening to audiobooks on the road (titles TBD — any recommendations?).

Also, we’re excited to stay connected throughout our trip with Holafly travel eSIM, making sure we don’t miss out on any important updates or moments while exploring new places.

2. Create traditions

One mom I know gives her sons little boxes of Froot Loops when they hit the road, and the kids gnaw on the florescent cereal “like it’s crack, since road trips are the only time they are allowed that treat.”

My kids and I decided that white chocolate–covered pretzels (my favorite) and gummy bears (theirs) will be our special road trip snack. Besides food, pick an album or two to sing along with—over and over. Make it music that the family will always associate with the trip.

Here are some traditions we started for road trips: White chocolate covered pretzels, gummie bears, I pack the kids a special hot breakfast to go on the morning we launch, listen to an audiobook for Stuart Little and let the kids fall asleep watching cable TV (which we don't have at home).

For quiet downtime before bed at the hotel, we also like bringing personalized superhero books for kids, which let them imagine themselves as the hero of their own adventure while traveling.

Another tradition that keeps kids excited without screens: let them be the hero of the trip. Pack a personalized bedtime read for each stop, or create a “vacation library” featuring custom children's books that use your child’s name and likeness. Read a chapter in the hotel each night, then jot a few lines inside about that day’s adventures. You’ll get quiet, connective moments in the car and before lights out, and your kids will wake up eager for the next “chapter” of their own story. Bonus: those books become the sweetest souvenirs when you’re back home. 

3. Create an affordable budget — and stick to it

Vacations are supposed to be fun. Nothing fun about stressing about blowing your bank account! This year, funds are tight for me. I'm excited to drive my new car with extended warranty coverage, which gets better milage than my old one, and we're staying every night with friends or relatives (thanks in advance guys – feel free to kick us out when we get on your nerves. Or … don't?).

I've written about a few trips I've taken with my single-mom friend Morghan. It's more affordable, less work and more fun to partner up.

4. Team up with other adults 

You don't need to tell me you love your kids. I know you do. But kids can be really, really boring (not to mention annoying). Build in time with other adults.

I have traveled with another single mom friend, and I always build in visits with friends or family wherever I go. Don't be shy about asking if you can be a houseguest, make a point of calling old friends or even acquaintances in the area you're visiting, or, before leaving for your destination, put out a call on social media for contacts and connections who live in your destination.

And when you land, never be shy about chatting with other families at the beach, museum or campground. You never know what magic might happen.

I’ve also found that having a UK eSIM, or something similar, when abroad makes it easy to stay in touch with friends, coordinate meetups, or simply look up where to go next, without having to deal with local SIM cards

25 apps to make friends and meet new people

5. Pack snacks—but not too many

Of course, kids (and adults!) need calories to stave off the grumpies while on the road. But don’t rely on sugary or greasy treats to occupy bored minds; instead, try fruits, nuts, and beef jerky sticks for the road. 

Try to keep the munchies few and relatively healthy. Instead, stop for a sit-down meal, which will likely be healthier than fast food and provide a great way to take a break. Sitting face-to-face as a family will allow you to track maps with your kids, look at guidebooks and brainstorm your next stop.

Easy, affordable meal planning tips for single moms

6. Don’t rely on gadgets

Many parents suggested their favorite Pixar films as ways to sedate restless little road warriors, and I loaded up my iPad with a few. But only on the very last leg home did I bust out Babe and Kung Fu Panda. Research finds that extensive video game playing and small-screen viewing will actually rev kids up, not calm them down.

Instead, try to keep them occupied with audio books. We listen every year to E.B. White’s Stuart Little, read by Julie Harris. Also, get into the sing-along songs. Our family loves old country-western, and we belted out June Carter and Johnny Cash’s Jackson more times than I can count.

Insider tip: If you do go for the iPad, stretch a bungee cord between the headrests of the front two seats and drape the tablet’s cover over for backseat viewing.

7. Bring family road trip games

Nothing can bond your family — and bring out the belly laughs — like a good old-fashioned family game. My family loves Telestrations — basically a combo of pictionary and telephone — where you start by drawing a picture and pass it around for others to guess, usually ending in a truly hilarious “result.”

Don’t forget to bring a simple deck of cards! Classic card games like Solitaire are perfect for quiet moments in the car or winding down at the hotel. You can even challenge each other to see who can solve a game the fastest. Prefer digital play? You can enjoy hundreds of variations of Solitaire online for free on sites like Solitaire Bliss, which offer daily challenges, stat tracking, and themed decks for extra fun.

Some other favorites are Apples to Apples (available in Junior for younger kids) and Head’s Up, which you can also download as an app on your phone. 

When you’re actually in the car, consider old standbys like “I Spy” or the Alphabet Game, where you have to name things in alphabetical order for a specific category (think animals, foods, movies, etc.). 

If you want something even more interactive, prepare a DIY scavenger hunt for kids by listing common roadside sights like a red barn, a wind turbine, or a specific license plate to keep them engaged with the world outside their window.

If your kids are a little older, you can also play the Celebrity Name game, where you have to name a celebrity that starts with the first letter of the previous celebrity’s last name (i.e. Tom Hanks, Heather Lochlear, Lance Bass — you get the idea). Naming a celebrity with the same letter first and last name reverses the list back to the previous person. If you can't come up with a celebrity, you're out!

You can also buy a set of car bingo cards to allow your kids to mark off sites they see along the way.

8. Find ways to exercise

I'm used to exercising 5 or 6 days per week. I get grumpy when I don't. Everyone is happier when momma exercises! Tips: do a few laps in the hotel pool while the kids splash at the shallow end; yoga or a workout in the morning while they watch cartoons; or take a jog around your houseguests' neighborhood.

And get the kids in it! For our road trip I pack a soccer ball and frisbee for a rest stop spaz-burn.

9. Remember: Everything is a big deal when you’re little

The fact that my children are so small made it easy to impress them. Staying in a hotel was totally glamorous. (My daughter and I had a bit of a verbal tussle when she insisted that our ’80s conference center digs were “the most beautiful in the world” and I politely disagreed. Hey, it’s my duty as her mother to teach her taste!).

They giddily opted for “special beds,” which were made of folded quilts on relatives’ floors, over an actual bed and marveled at the salad bar at a truck stop. Who needs expensive amusement parks?

10. Take the slow road

The main reason I opted to drive rather than fly on this vacation was my desire to get off our strict schedule and just chill. Even though we mostly stuck to the highways (as opposed to the more interesting local routes), I made a point of taking it easy.

If you’re heading to the UAE, think through wheels early: I like rent-to-own cars from Renty—flexible monthly terms that feel like “your” car without a giant upfront bill. Book a family sedan or crossover, add car seats and full insurance, and pick up at Dubai or Abu Dhabi airport. For single-mom travel, that control over naps, snacks and detours is everything.

When someone wanted to stop to pee, we pulled over and took a break — even if we’d just lunched an hour earlier (save for the moment when, stuck in standstill Chicago traffic, my 3-year-old son awoke from a nap, screaming for a toilet. (Suffice it to say, I was grateful to have an empty water bottle on hand.)

At the last minute, I decided to drive straight from Illinois to New York and skip our plans to stay over at a hotel. The payoffs were plentiful: A giant rainbow met us as we rounded the bend in the Pennsylvania Pocono Mountains just before dusk. And when the sun set, my city kids marveled at the galaxies of fireflies swarming roadside. “I like driving in the car,” my daughter said.

There are so many ways you can control every aspect of your trip – book every meal at a restaurant, detail a daily itinerary. Schedule in some spontaneity. Har har, no oxymoron intended. In my case, we have a schedule around where we will sleep, but leave the days open to coordinate around our loved ones — and take in their suggestions of what to do in their cities.

11. Start by searching for “road trips near me”

If you haven't taken a single mom road trip with kids before, it might be best to start with a short weekend getaway. Search for “road trips near me” or ask in a local Facebook moms group for suggestions of fun and easy trips with kids.

Think nearby beaches (lake or ocean), historic sites, and camping destinations. Once you get your feet wet and build your road-tripping confidence, you can plan for longer trips to further away destinations.

12. Just do it 

I know how overwhelming traveling alone with kids can be. It can also be lonely. Hell, I remember feeling so triumphant very early in my single motherhood when I successfully walked 8 blocks to a neighborhood playground with my newborn and toddler.

But remember: You are living in a time of unbelievable abundance — as a person, as a woman, and as a mother. Yes, your Instagram #familyvacation pics will not look like you may have dreamed. But that does not mean you cannot do this.

It is a vacation, for crying out loud. Not brain surgery on your second grader. Go. Have fun. Embrace the challenge. Even more importantly: Relish the good times, the memories you are making on your own terms, with your own, wonderful and complete family.

Emma's experience with road trips as a single mom:

For the record, every year my kids and I go on this trip (they are now 5 and 7). We have a small Subaru Impreza hatchback, don't bring a tablet, and spend our many hours on the road listening to audiobooks (Stuart Little is a tradition – great travel story!), podcasts, singing along with the radio and talking.

Oh, and being silent. I didn't realize that I am an anomaly in this regard until the Wall Street Journal last year interviewed me about my renegade no-iPad road trip practice.

I realize most people think I am a renegade, and by renegade, they really mean a total moron, for traveling alone for so many hours with children. I'm no moron, and I'm also no hero.

All this feigned “admiration” and quizzing/judging only speaks to the general over-parenting/coddling trend that complicates parenting and stresses out adults and children alike. I mean, read Little House on the Prairie. The Engels and their gaggle of girls were on the road for MONTHS. WITHOUT AN iPAD.

And while I suspect that Mary and Laura probably took turns beating the crap out of each other with a plastic hairbrush for 15 minutes just like my kids did last night, everyone lived to have bestselling memoirs and a prime-time spin-off created in their likeliness about how normal they all were.

The other point: Everyone assumes that single motherhood is so prohibitively impossible that a meager American rite of passage (the great road trip) is beyond their ability.

To which I say: Eff that.

This trip, just five days in, reminds me how much I love traveling with my kids. How they are really on their best behavior when on the road. With so much to entertain and engage them, with so much of my undivided attention and with a break from our usual (often grueling) routine, they are a delight, hairbrush pummeling aside.

In other words, people are full of crap. They tell you that you are crazy for traveling alone with your kids because they don't think they can do it. Don't let others define what you are capable of. You're raising children alone for crying out loud.

You've been through a hell of a lot worse than grumpy children whining for McDonalds while a sign reading ‘Next rest stop 40 miles' whizzes by. Let's put things in perspective. Personally, touring around the beautiful upper United States in summer with two of my favorite people is a hell of a lot easier than being cooped up in a Queens apartment with those same people. But that is just me.

This year we started off in the Catskills with my single mom BFF Morghan and her parents rented a lake house and invited us. Despite the perpetual rain, the kids had a great time fishing, beating the crap out of each other and playing board games while Morghan and I caught up on work news, men news and drinking.

The kids are like cousins, having grown up knowing each other while their single moms, who are like sisters, got their acts together, and it was a great sendoff for the rest of our voyage. Thanks guys!

Five hours later: Niagara Falls, bitches! Inside scoop: Stay on the Canadian side, which is about 5,000x nicer, cleaner and prettier than the New York side. We did the whole scene in about 18 hours: takeout eaten on a picnic blanket at Victoria Park, taking in the falls, a dip in the hotel pool, an hour of Canadian Broadcast kids' TV, bed. Then breakfast at the hotel, a Hornblower falls boat tour, lunch at Canadian fav Tim Hortons and on the road again.

Single mom insider tip: Make sure you get your ex to sign a travel consent form, or else the very cute, ripped, blond Canadian border agent will grill you and make you wish you had. Take it from me. For international travel you may need a SIM card, including for eSIM for UK, Mexico, Thailand  or Simify eSIM Japan and other countries.

Last night we landed in Charlevoix, Michigan, where we are staying for nine days in a giant, 5-bedroom historic house for free, thanks to my new obsession, HomeExchange.com, which connects travelers who want to swap homes. For free. So the lovely couple whose house we are trying not to destroy is staying in my New York City apartment and (presumably) feeding our cat and watering the plants. More on this arrangement later.

Two weeks ago I posted about my impending road trip with my kids. I had a hunch that despite the naysayers we would have a great time. Guess what? I was right.

TrustedHouseSitters Reviews: Who’s the house-sitting service good for?

Bottom line: Yes, single moms do travel! Here’s how:

I am writing this from a plane with my kids on the way from our NYC home to Chicago, where we will spend two weeks visiting friends and family, and the places where I grew up in a small town in Northern Illinois. 

This pilgrimage has become an annual tradition. It started out as a road trip — a mode of transport inspired mostly by my budget, but turned into an incredible adventure defying all naysayers who said I was insane for being on the road, alone, with a 3- and 5-year-old for two weeks. 

Here are my tips on how to enjoy a family road trip on a budget:

  1. Make a plan and start saving. Here are my tips for saving up for a vacation (or anything else you want!).
  2. Hunt for deals, be flexible, and build a vacation around cheap airline tickets or other bargains. I love NextVacay, Secret Travel and The Flight Deal, which you can set to send you emails about travel deals departing from your city. This is how I found $400 roundtrip tickets from NYC to Ho Chi Minh City, and took my kids to Vietnam for 13 days for $2,000 total.
  3. Roundtrip, baby! Map out friends and family who will welcome you for 2 or three days, bring a nice gift (I like a board game, and a photo book from your home city), and make your rounds. Fill in gaps with camping, cheap motels, or free nights bought with travel credit card or other travel points.
  4. Travel points! I'm not a huge point hoarder, but instead prefer to focus on just one airline (Delta for me, as they fly to cities I frequent like Chicago, where I have family), and one credit card which has a rewards program that works for me (bonuses for business-related purchases, and a 25% bonus for travel redemption). I recently found myself with a few extra days at the end of a roadtrip to Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island, and booked two free points nights at an adorable oceanside cottage in Maine — much better than being crammed in a 2-bedroom NYC apartment in July with two kids as a single mom!
  5. Home swap. One of the best tips I can share about single mom travel is to check out HomeExchange, a house-swapping platform that has saved me thousands of dollars and afforded my kids and myself incredible experiences.

If you’ve been cheated on by your husband, you’ll probably relate to these things my readers have said over the years:

We're negotiating our divorce settlement, and I believe I should be compensated for losing the family I wanted. My husband cheated, decided to leave, and I now miss my kids half the time and don't have a real family.

I am so pissed I have to pay alimony! He was unfaithful — how is that fair!?

He moved in with his girlfriend — the one he had the affair with. I will never be nice to her and do not want my kids exposed to her. She is a horrible person!

I make sure I don't get a raise so he will have to keep paying alimony. That way, he doesn't get off the hook — my husband cheated, went on to make way more money than I do. He needs to be punished.

For the record, my ex-husband didn't cheat on me. He did announce to all his guy friends (some of whom told me) that the minute he moved out he had a number of hotties he planned to ask out, which, in the depths of my pregnant self, hurt like a mother. 

So, how do you get past the hurt, get over your cheating husband, and divorce him? By looking at the facts (he cheated), making a plan to move on (find peace), understanding divorce law, and knowing your rights.

How does infidelity affect divorce?

How to find peace after being cheated on

  1. Put your husband’s cheating into perspective with therapy
  2. Make it your goal to forgive the infidelity, heal and thrive
  3. Take responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage and forgive yourself
  4. Realize that worse things have happened to people (no matter how much this hurts)
  5. Invest time, self-care and perhaps therapy to rebuild your self-confidence, and remember that you are a lovable woman.
  6. Recognize that repeating and focusing on the story of his unfaithful acts ultimately hurts you, and holds you back.
  7. Focus on rebuilding your own incredible life post-divorce.

Understand divorce law re: cheating husbands 

What are my rights in a divorce if my husband cheated on me?

Does a cheating spouse affect child custody?

Should I divorce my cheating husband?

How does infidelity affect divorce?

Ask any divorce lawyer, and they will tell you: When there is infidelity, settlements are all but impossible, rationale goes out the window, and contention runs higher than in other matrimonial dissolutions.

“That betrayal colors every single part of the divorce process, and makes it so much harder for the cheated-on spouse to be reasonable,” said New York City family attorney Morghan Richardson.

It is understandable why cheated-on spouses go so bananas with rage. You had a deal. You would sleep with and only love each other. You and your family came first, no matter what. That is the deal in marriage today, and you signed up and stuck it out, and he didn't. That isn't fair and it sucks so freaking bad.

Also: Trust. You trusted him. You trusted you were his only lover. You trusted him when he said he was working late, or having a beer with his friends or at the office during business hours and not running around in the back of his car or at her house where her kids played in the next room.

This was not the man you knew and love (yes, currently. You probably still love him, at least a little. Or a lot). If he had a secret life, untoward agenda about his romantic life, can you trust him to be the father you thought he was? What else is he lying about? Money? Accounts?

These are tell-tale signs of a cheating husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend.

How to divorce your husband after cheating.

How to find peace after being cheated on

Not all infidelity ends in divorce, but for many, cheating does make it difficult to trust again or repair a marriage. Here is some advice to consider when navigating an extramarital affair and moving forward with divorce:

  1. Put your husband’s cheating into perspective with therapy.
  2. Forgive your ex.
  3. Take responsibility for your share of the breakdown of the relationship.
  4. Realize that worse things have happened to people.
  5. Invest time, self-care and perhaps therapy to rebuild your self-confidence..
  6. Don’t  focus on his unfaithful acts. It ultimately hurts you, and holds you back.
  7. Focus on rebuilding your own incredible life post-divorce.

1. Put your husband’s cheating into perspective with therapy

Look, people cheat every single day, and have since the dawn of humanity. It hurts, yes it does, and those feelings are real and valid. But ever-after, fantasy love and lifelong marriage based on romantic feelings? Never proven sustainable, and face it: You know it.

You know that is a fact now as you read this, and you knew it when you got married, and before that, too. You know half of marriages don’t last. And you know plenty of married people who have affairs. I’m not passing judgment on this fact one way or the other. But it is a fact, and if you thought you were immune from it, well… now you know you were naive and wrong. I’m sorry for your pain, but that has nothing to do with what happens next.

Shit happens. Shit happens in business, in the economy. The natural world is full of shit happening, the government is a mess and your friends will inevitably let you down. Do you wallow in it? Or do you own your feelings, sort out your part of the mess, and push forward into a brighter future?

Consider a support group, counseling, including online therapy, which can be much more affordable, and convenient than traditional, in-person counseling (you can do text, phone, video or email therapy from anywhere, any place — no need to hire a sitter or spend time commuting!).

Read our BetterHelp review for more details.

2. Make it your goal to forgive the infidelity, heal and thrive

This is the part where you get to blame him. For a minute.

Ask any divorce lawyer. Family court judge, therapist or best friend of a divorced person: The people who thrive after a split are those who get on with it already. No matter the circumstances, they forgive, focus on what they can control (not him, for crying out loud! YOURSELF. Your life, feelings, actions. YOU!).

Don’t take it out on your ex in divorce proceedings

Moms who thrive after divorce don’t drag the ex to court every other week, or get into text pissing matches, blaming the other party for “ruining our family.” They accept their kids’ new step-parents and ex’s romantic partners, because, what is the other choice? To badmouth the person to your kids for eternity? Spew vitriol across the aisle at your kids’ wedding, or confirmation or bat mitzvah? Wallow in the pain and contrived victimhood of your divorce? Not a good look.

It may take time to actually, authentically feel better and whole and strong again. Until then, fake it till you make it. Be civil and focus on getting through the horrors of the divorce process.

Focus on getting past your divorce

I’ve been through a divorce, and let me give you the best piece of advice I can: GET OUT OF THAT PLACE ASAP! Clench your jaw and get to the other side as graciously and maturely as possible. Help your kids acclimate to their new living arrangements. Be at the very least civil and non-violent to his new (or maybe not-so-new?) girlfriend. Bite the shit out of that tongue. Just bite it and smile.

Instead, focus on building your career, your finances, enjoying your kids. when you are ready, dip your toe in dating. Here is my guild to surprising joys of dating after divorce. And if you’re ready for a committed, long-term relationship, eHarmony is the go-to, No. 1 best site for finding a partner.

Read more about eharmony, including cost, app and success rates with our eharmony review.

This is what I want for you: A happy, STD-free future, full of forgiveness and peace. You got this. But it is on you.

My advice:

Get all up and messy with that pain. Yes, you were betrayed, lied to and manipulated. Perhaps you took your wedding vows seriously, or simply trusted him. That is serious and you must acknowledge it, work it through with your therapist and understand why it happened and how it affected you. The wedding ring needs to go, it will make you feel better to be rid of it.

Read: After a divorce, you get one year to be a hot mess. Sorry, but you don’t get extra time after an affair than other people going through a divorce.

One pitfall to look out for:

When your single status or divorce comes up with friends, colleagues or new people you meet, resist the urge to mention that your ex had an affair. That puts the blame on him 100%, paints you as a self-loathing victim, and otherwise enlists pity. Plus, it keeps that narrative alive and strong, and prolongs the pain of getting over an affair.

3. Take responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage and forgive yourself

This is where it gets really hard. But this step is necessary:

Take responsibility for the end of the marriage.

This does NOT mean that you are responsible for his actions, or that his affair is because you gained weight, or that it is women’s responsibility to keep the family together.

No. He is an adult responsible for his actions and his relationships. So are you. It takes two people to make a marriage thrive, and it takes two to end it.

You may not get there right away. It will likely take a long time, a lot of couples therapy, tears and inner work to get to this spot.

But don’t rob yourself of this opportunity to learn about yourself, grow, and pave the way for a better relationship in the future—whatever that looks like for you.

Vow right now to take your share of the responsibility for the end of your relationship—and to forgive yourself.

And yes, there is therapy for cheating, marriage counseling can help after an affair, and infidelity counseling is a thing — as is therapy for sex addiction. Maybe it works, and maybe it doesn’t — but very few people ever regret going to therapy.

4. Realize that worse things have happened to people (no matter how much this hurts)

Otherwise loving partners lie and cheat every day of the week. It does happen. That is not to dismiss your hurt, anger or grief. But worse things do happen — and people do get over infidelity.

5. Invest time, self-care and perhaps therapy to rebuild your self-confidence, and remember that you are a lovable woman.

Read our post about how to feel confident and sexy. Flirt with a stranger (innocently). Spend time with people who love and appreciate you. Remind yourself: You will get through this.

6. Recognize that repeating and focusing on the story of his unfaithful acts ultimately hurts you, and holds you back.

You've heard it before, but: Holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

Talking excessively about the affair, or bringing it up right away with new people you meet, or in arguments with your husband (or ex-husband) serves no one — most especially not you.

7. Focus on rebuilding your own incredible life post-divorce.

The best revenge is living well! After divorce you get one year to be a hot mess.

Understand divorce law re: cheating husbands 

No-fault divorce is standard in every state, meaning a couple can divorce without showing blame or fault.

Judges could care less. They’ve heard it all before, and it matters none how many people he fucked, whether the mistress was your best friend, neighbor, sister or cousin. Don’t care! Doesn’t affect how much money each party gets, and infidelity does not affect his ability to parent.

You don’t get alimony because your feelings are hurt.

[How to coparent with an ex]

Those judges are right, and they are correct. If you understand what the law says about divorce, it will help guide your negotiations. Whether you mediate or each retain attorneys, the goal is usually to avoid trial, and therefore apply to any discussions what a judge would typically rule.

Hopefully, you have a great lawyer who will guide you through a slit that is as low-conflict as possible. Listen to her. And she will tell you: No one in the legal world cares a bit that he cheated. Remember that!

10 signs of toxic parenting

What are my rights in a divorce if my husband cheated on me?

There are no special rights allotted to forsaken women. In some cases, if you suspect your husband spent large sums of money on his mistress or affair partner, that may be factored into financial settlement calculations.

Instead of trying to take revenge through the legal process, focus on the task at hand: Divorcing amicably, with a focus on low-conflict and stability for the kids.

In a best-case scenario, you could file for divorce yourselves, online. Here is our list of the best, cheapest and most thorough online divorce services.

There are no reparations in divorce

No financial compensation for your broken heart, and no parental upper hand because you loved him more than he loved you. Sure, you can blackmail a bigger financial settlement in exchange for not telling his super-religious mom about the prostitutes, but she probably already knows.

And if not, who cares? He’s not your husband anymore, he can’t give you an STD any longer, can’t spend your money any longer, and it is over. Plus, no one likes a tattletale. All you can do is move on. The closest you will get is to sell your diamond ring he gave you and feel good about it. Instead, focus on what you can control, and ask for the right things in divorce.

Does a cheating spouse affect child custody?

Technically, no, child support is not affected by infidelity since there is no-fault divorce in every state.

However, these things are often subject to a judge’s arbitrary ruling, so infidelity may be factored into a divorce trial. As more and more courts defer to equally shared parenting, this is less likely each day.

Can my husband get custody if I cheated?

The same rules and trends apply to whether a man or woman cheated. However, it is well documented that society, and therefore judges, too, judge women and mothers who are unfaithful in their marriages than men. On the other hand, women are presumed to be the primary caretakers of children far more than men, so that might be a consideration, too.

Again, as society evolves to view men and women as more equal, custody arrangements also evolve.

However, no matter who cheated, or whose fault you believe the divorce to be, I urge you to focus on equally shared parenting and an amicable divorce. This is so important not only for the sake of the kids, but both parties’ ability to heal and move forward afterward.

Here are more tips on how to be a successful co-parent after divorce.

[A guide to when to consider couple’s counseling]

Should I divorce my cheating husband?

Maybe yes, maybe no. Ultimately, the decision is your choice. You need to decide if the broken trust can be repaired. 

Was it a single fling, that is now over, in an otherwise monogamous, stable relationship? Then you may be able to forgive him, understand what was broken in your marriage, work together to fix it, and move on.

Are one or both of you craving an open, polyamorous relationship? Then it might be worked out.

Did the affair bring to light deeper chasms in the relationship? Are you willing to work on those shortcomings? Do you feel the marriage was already unhappy? The answer may be no, and that is OK. Then the marriage is over.

Did the affair happen a long time ago, and is clearly over? Then focus on forgiveness and mend your marriage.

Is he a perpetual, chronic cheater, and liar? Is this not ok with you? You may have to end the marriage.

If your husband has cheated on you, end things amicably and move forward.

Did your ex cheat? What did you say to a cheating man? How did that affect your divorce? How did you get over it? Share in the comments!

How does infidelity affect divorce?

Ask any divorce lawyer, and they will tell you: When there is infidelity, settlements are all but impossible, rationale goes out the window, and contention runs higher than in other matrimonial dissolutions.

What are my rights in a divorce if my husband cheated on me?

There are no special rights allotted to forsaken women. In some cases, if you suspect your husband spent large sums of money on his mistress or affair partner, that may be factored into financial settlement calculations.

Does a cheating spouse affect child custody?

Technically, no, child support is not affected by infidelity since there is no-fault divorce in every state.

Should I divorce my cheating husband?

Maybe yes, maybe no. Ultimately, the decision is your choice. You need to decide if the broken trust can be repaired.

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