Dating coach: “Single moms are hot on the successful-men market”

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I don’t run many guests posts, but happened upon Elliot Scott, a dating coach who had a lot of really smart things to say about men and women and how we can relate better. And he has a lot of experience coaching — not to mention dating! — single moms. I love, love,  love his advice, and it resonates 100% with my own experience dating a zillion men since becoming a single mom.


Check it out …

The majority of my clients are single moms. They often ask:

“Why the hell would a successful guy want to date a single mom?”

They’re often stunned at my answer:

Single moms who take responsibility for their families, who are awesome moms, and successful in their lives are extremely desirable to successful, attractive men.

Date single parents for serious, long-term relationships on eHarmony. Start for free >>

That said, I can understand why mothers feel sub-par on the dating market.

Single moms are indeed stigmatized in some dating circles.

Whether it be their “mom bods,” drama from the exes, worry the child will be a hassle, or that these women are financially destitute, single moms can get stuck in negative thinking that holds them back from meeting men who are their educational, intellectual and social peers.

Here is what you need to know about this subject:

5 things to remember as a single mom in the dating world

Here is the secret that most single moms miss:

97% of men’s interactions with women is driven by fear.

Men closely relate their success and egos to whether they can win over a quality woman. It’s in our evolutionary makeup.

When a man doesn’t win over women of high quality, he questions his self-worth.

Single moms have their shit together

In today’s culture, success is defined by looks, yes, but also the very qualities that are unique to single mothers:  A single mom knows first-hand what responsibility is.

She knows true love and has demonstrated an emotional connection that childless women have not.

A single mom is patient, open-minded, trustworthy, loyal, and selfless.

She wants to better herself and others around her.

She’s careful, sensitive, caring, loving, strong, and is on a goal of constant self-improvement.

A single mom has meaning to her life.

These are all qualities great guys are looking for.

Successful men don’t want women who run around, stay out every night, drink too much, have no control over themselves, and are unpredictable.

We like women who are strong, stable, and are feminine — all the qualities of a successful single mom.

After all, what is more truly feminine that a mother?

[Best dating apps and sites for single moms]

Despite this, so many single moms struggle with self-confidence in romance.

I understand that it can be easy to buy into those single mom stigmas.

I also understand that you’ve had your heart broken by not-so-great guys.

It’s time to get over it. Look at yourself and your life through the eyes of the type of man you desire.

Appreciate how strong, loving and capable you are.

You’ve already proven that you can handle so much, and move through hard times with grace.

Embrace the fact you have all the traits to attract quality men and build a lasting, loving relationship.

Here’s how to attract and build a relationship with a successful man:

Be proud of your single motherhood

Once you own those traits mentioned above, you automatically step into the role of a quality woman.

But you have to OWN it first! By owning your traits, taking responsibility for your situation and actions, and having a positive outlook, you automatically raise your social proof and value.

Confidence attracts confidence.

Don’t be afraid to show your success

Successful men don’t want a needy woman.

Most single moms I know have their acts together.

They have dynamic careers, are raising amazing children, and have full social lives.

To a man who also has a great life, this is catnip.

A successful single mom shows a man that his life, freedom and social status are not threatened and that makes single moms hot.

These insights were really eye-opening to me. I’ve had a really great time over the past six years dating like a maniac in New York City, a place teeming with interesting, successful men — many of whom were married to stay-at-home wives whom they are now paying a lot of alimony and child support. I’ve found that these dudes really, really appreciate a woman who makes her own money, and love when women will commiserate with them when they complain that:

  • He did not agree for her to quit her career, but by the time they split up it was too late, or …
  • She couldn’t keep a job, or pursued a career that was not lucrative, but felt entitled to maintain the lifestyle his career had afforded her, or …
  • She refused to get a job, or chose low-paying, part-time work to qualify for more money from him — none of the above of which are the same as both partners mutually agreeing one would forgo their earning potential for the sake of the family, which is what alimony is designed for.

That said, there were a few men in my recent history who clearly didn’t really get what it means to be a single mom who has a career and big goals. They didn’t get me, and these men didn’t understand women, either.

Take, for example, the movie set designer, who made a lot of money, judging by the $10,000 he paid his ex monthly, his flashy Upper West Side apartment, and the fact that he told me all the time he made a lot of money. This guy was in his early 50s, and after a year-long affair with a hot 25-year-old blonde who worked retail that ended his 20-year marriage, he’d dated a stream of hot 25-year-old blondes who worked retail, according to his Instagram feed. We went out for a few months, and I appreciated that he was creatively brilliant and a basically good guy, and he did treat me well. But we never gelled.

I always felt that while we connected intellectually, I was a good 30 lbs too fat for him, and frankly, too independent. I’d imagine that he’d tell his therapist about me, and because she’d urge him to pursue someone age- and professionally appropriate like, say, me, he stuck it out for a while, even if my flabby ass and full bush didn’t really do it for him. He did, however, really appreciate that unlike his other, less hard-knocked-life honies, I understood his divorce woes. But, because he had for 20 years a wife who did not have a career, who had their kid 80 percent of the month, he did not understand me.

The designer’d often suggest we go out to loud clubs populated with hot 25-year-olds and guys in their 50s in expensive suits during the week, at like 10 p.m. Finally, after the half-dozenth invitation, I said: “You know, I can get a sitter from time to time, but weeknights aren’t my thing. I have kids at home, you know!”

Him: [Blank stare. Blink. Blink.]

And after the 100th bitter rant about what he saw as his lazy, entitled ex-wife who refused to work full-time, I said: “I appreciate that being a mom to one teenager is not a full-time job, and your ex-wife needs to stop being so entitled, but your career did benefit from having her home taking care of your kid all those years.”

Him: [Blank stare. Blink. Blink.]

I have said it before, and it stands saying a million times: The power of pussy is real. The life you lead is a force for activism, or not. You inform others around you how to treat you, and also how to treat others. The way you manage your romantic life — whether in casual dating, or in a long-term marriage — affects those around you, directly and indirectly, which trickles into politics and policy, near and far. When you demand respect for “women’s work” at home by presuming it is shared, you, by default, are demanding respect for “women’s work” in the rest of the world.

Focus on the right guy

I often see successful single moms going after the wrong guys.

These might be men who are not their professional or social peers — men who will indeed be threatened by her success.

Or you might have your eyes on a younger man who doesn’t know what it’s like to have a family or is not ready to settle down.

This guy is in a different stage in his life than you. Instead, focus on a man who is ready for a family and is truly open to your situation.

This might mean you date single dads, or men who have been involved with single moms before.

Find great guys near you on eHarmony or consider a matchmaking service like It’s Just Lunch.

Let him take care of you

When a woman starts to focus on pleasing the man, opposed to accepting his care, she ruins the natural mating cycle.

The man’s job is to please and satisfy the woman.

If it’s the other way around, he will start to focus on his needs and not yours.

As long as he satisfies you and you let him know through gratitude, he will continue to help and love you.

Over-pleasing is a sign of seeking validation.

This subconsciously tells a man you can’t take care of yourself.

That is why we are turned off when someone repeatedly texts and calls, even when we don’t respond.

When you have the confidence to allow a man to take care of you, he feels masculine, secure, and devoted to you.

With confidence, you already own everything you need to attract a quality man.

Confidence is a choice in the moment. You create it. Don’t worry about your mom bod, child, financial situation, or ex.

Just know that you have it covered. Then take action. The only life worth living is a life full of action!

Once the man sees this, he’s going to be attracted to you.

Attraction isn’t serendipitous. You create it.

I have dated just as many single moms as childless women.

[Single moms and younger men: Cougar report]

If a single mother has the qualities of a single mom as well as the confidence to own it, she is in a league of her own.

successful men date single moms
Elliot Scott is a women’s dating coach who lives in Seattle, Washington.

All about finding a quality man who appreciates your motherhood

Thinking of dating again as a single mom, but not sure where to start?

Dating sites for single moms

Check out a dating app. This is the easiest, cheapest way to get your mojo back, and get a feel for what is happening out there. All you need to do is connect with one cute guy or girl to get that spark going again. 

Here is my list of the best dating sites and apps for single moms.

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As of February 2021, eharmony’s price with the discount is:

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Wealthysinglemommy.com founder Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, activist and author. A former Associated Press reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has appeared on CNBC, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, NPR, TIME, The Doctors, Elle, O, The Oprah Magazine. Winner of Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web” and a New York Observer “Most Eligible New Yorker," her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was a New York Post Must Read. A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Emma's Top Single Mom Resources.

91 Comments

If I were single (I’m not, because I make my marriage work), I’d pay for a date with this woman if only to hear gems such as this:
“Men closely relate their success and egos to whether they can win over a quality woman. It’s in our evolutionary makeup.”

This is a woman who doesn’t understand men at all. Nearly everything she just said is wrong. It’s a projection of what drives herself and what she wants men to be driven by. She thinks men exist to “win” women over and that’s what pleases men. Imagine the man you divorced who thought you enjoyed cleaning and handling dirty diapers as something women “enjoy” doing.

Although there are ego driven men like what she describes, these men want to “win over” lots of women to sleep with, notch their bedpost, and move on. Emma gets a free dinner out of it though. But “quality” men who respect themselves and are successful are not going to be driven by other people validating their choice of mate. That’s what women such as Emma live by. Quality men (and I consider myself one) who remain married to our spouses and love them because of the lovely kids they made with us, are proud of them on our arm because we love them and those who look down upon them, well, I couldn’t care less what they think.

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/22/1d/33/221d332bb2d193296530340270de435a.jpg

And that circles back (if I may quote Jen Psaki) to why Emma and other such women are single in the first place: She’s focused on her needs and demands and the world around her validating her self-importance with the man as an accessory. Like a designer bag. Or if he’s lucky, an ATM or unpaid handyman. She brags about her independence as if he should find that attractive, but it’s not an asset she offers him. It doesn’t mean she’s going to pick up the check. It doesn’t mean that she’ll stick with him for better or worse (her ex-husband probably knows about that!) Her feminism means she has all the negative traits of men (power hungry, ambitious) and women (needy in the form of men buying her stuff) without any of the assets and this is what she calls “equality”.

Sure, there are men who want her. Even some financially but emotionally insecure men she can bully around. But how long will they either put up, or survive, her endless sh*t tests and childish demands? Imagine a sadistic teacher looking to fail you probing for your weakest performance and saying “I’m just trying to make you a better person, tee hee!” and then they kick you out of school as a “learning experience.” Heck, the world is full of “nice guys” like this wandering the earth as sort of zombies after they were married or had kids with women such as Emma. If they decide to marry another woman just like her, what kind of pathetic glutton for punishment is that? Us men have little sympathy for SIMPs. You feed the beast, don’t feel sorry for us if you get eaten by it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8Y10qx3liE

Oh, before you say it ladies, “who hurt you?”, the answer is: nobody. I red-pilled myself 35 years ago and got what I wanted out of relationships with women and if they didn’t measure up to MY demands, I kicked them to the curb. Aside from my first girlfriend who dumped me (and my childhood friends inform me she became and remains a single mom, big surprise), the rest would take me back in a second. It’s awkward but amusing to reject facebook friend requests from them since my wife uses my facebook feed. Besides, I don’t want them pestering me to borrow money.

So how does Emma get away with this wildly delusional worldview? The answer is that at a young age, in a chivarlous/feminist society, she could. She has a hundred thirsty men chasing after her for sex at least. How do we know she can’t RETAIN a high quality man? Well, she’s single isn’t she? The older she gets, the odds are statistically higher that she’ll either remain single or she’ll SETTLE for a loser and then try to save face that she has some romantic narrative to justify it (which she could have done decades ago.) What sane single mother or any woman for that matter wants to take dating advice from her at face value?

Guess what; I tell my wife NO all the time. She doesn’t like it, but she sticks around because she wants a man whose decent, responsible, and does care for her. I’ll say “yes” when it’s reasonable. And I EXPECT her to live up to “equality” and provide me with something back of value. Emma’s feminist “equality” is about giving men stuff that she doesn’t mind throwing out, like going to a store and asking for a new designer handbag and saying you have junk in your basement you’ll give them in exchange.

Let’s address the point she made where she told a successful guy how he owed his ex alimony for the “benefits” to the marriage by staying at home. It’s amazing his ex-wife didn’t get a Nobel peace prize for being married to a rich guy and going out partying, ordering nannies and maids around, and spending his money at the store. Yeah, Mother Teresa, MOVE OVER! A biological clock ticking gal I met told me on the 4th date (guess what we did on the third, wink), she she expected me to start earning more to provide for her “sacrifice” to stay at home and quit the job she didn’t want to do anymore. Oh, and she was “worth” me blowing a few thousand on some bling to impress her friends. I argued with her about it, but dumped her about a week later. I unplugged my phone (long time ago) and sent her to “voicemail” where she drunkenly threatened to kill my cat. She left me alone when I told her I could call the police. That was that. My 70 year old women friends from a different generation laughed at the cluelessness of modern women.

Are there single mothers worth marrying? Well, sure, just like there are broke, ugly guys worth marrying (I was!): They work hard, improve themselves, take the initiative to find someone, and basically have to live on their A game all the time. I, and they, live like we’re in the top pick of the NBA lineup but without the glamour or reward aside from knowing it’s just something we go to do. You know:

Man up.

When I reached my early 30’s and had achieved personal, physical, and financial max value, I could have dated a nice single mother who perhaps meant well marrying at 18 and having a kid with a guy who turned out to not be able to hold a job, but by then, I had my pick. I was no alpha but I had choice. So I married a pretty, childless woman who was 10 years younger than me. In theory, I suppose, if the single mother had approached me at a coffee shop and asked me for directions to the pet store and she charmingly struck up a conversation and asked me to have coffee with her, I may have decided to wife her up, throw a diamonique ring on her (a woman worthy of me can lie to her friends), and helped raise her kids and take her on lavish vacations around the world. Well, instead I provide those now for my wife and (biological) daughter. Twice a year I fly her for a week to a beach and to visit international friends.

But hey, other guys, if you want some feminist, but traditional, gal then there’s a lot of Emmas out there for you. They’re all yours!

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