I don’t run many guests posts, but happened upon Elliot Scott, a dating coach who had a lot of really smart things to say about men and women and how we can relate better. And he has a lot of experience coaching — not to mention dating! — single moms. I love, love, love his advice. Check it …
The majority of my clients are single moms. They often ask:
“Why the hell would a successful guy want to date a single mom?”
They’re often stunned at my answer:
Single moms who take responsibility for their families, who are awesome moms, and successful in their lives are extremely desirable to successful, attractive men.
That said, I can understand why mothers feel sub-par on the dating market. Single moms are indeed stigmatized in some dating circles. Whether it be their “mom bods,” drama from the exes, worry the child will be a hassle, or that these women are financially destitute, single moms can get stuck in negative thinking that holds them back from meeting men who are their educational, intellectual and social peers.
Here is the secret that most single moms miss: 97 percent of men’s interactions with women is driven by our fears.
Men closely relate their success and egos to whether they can win over a quality woman. It’s in our evolutionary makeup. When a man doesn’t win over women of high quality, he questions his self-worth.
In today’s culture, success is defined by looks, yes, but also the very qualities that are unique to single mothers: A single mom knows first-hand what responsibility is. She knows true love and has demonstrated emotional connection that childless women have not. A single mom is patient, open-minded, trustworthy, loyal, and selfless. She wants to better herself and others around her. She’s careful, sensitive, caring, loving, strong, and is on a goal of constant self-improvement. A single mom has meaning to her life. These are all qualities great guys are looking for.
Successful men don’t want women who run around, stay out every night, drink too much, have no control over themselves, and are unpredictable. We like women who are strong, stable, and are feminine — all the qualities of a successful single mom. After all, what is more truly feminine that a mother?
Despite this, so many single moms struggle with self-confidence in romance. I understand that it can be easy to buy into those single mom stigmas. I also understand that you’ve had your heart broken by not-so-great guys.
It’s time to get over it. Look at yourself and your life through the eyes of the type of man you desire. Appreciate how strong, loving and capable you are. You’ve already proven that you can handle so much, and move through hard times with grace. Embrace the fact you have all the traits to attract quality men and build a lasting, loving relationships.
Here’s how to attract and build a relationship with a successful man:
Own your single motherhood. Once you own those traits mentioned above, you automatically step into the role of a quality woman. But you have to OWN it first! By owning your traits, taking responsibility for your situation and actions, and having a positive outlook, you automatically raise your social proof and value. Confidence attracts confidence.
Don’t be afraid to show your success. Successful men don’t want a needy woman. Most single moms I know have their acts together. They have dynamic careers, are raising amazing children, and have full social lives. To a man who also has a great life, this is catnip. A successful single mom shows a man that his life, freedom and social status are not threatened.
Focus on the right guy. I often see successful single moms going after the wrong guys. These might be men who are not their professional or social peers — men who will indeed be threatened by her success. Or you might have your eyes on a younger man who doesn’t know what it’s like to have a family or is not ready to settle down. This guy is in a different stage in his life than you. Instead, focus on a man who is ready for a family and is truly open to your situation. This might mean you date single dads, or men who have been involved with single moms before.
Let him take care of you. When a woman starts to focus on pleasing the man, opposed to accepting his care, she ruins the natural mating cycle. The man’s job is to please and satisfy the woman. If it’s the other way around, he will start to focus on his needs and not yours. As long as he satisfies you and you let him know through gratitude, he will continue to help and love you.
Over-pleasing is a sign of seeking validation. This subconsciously tells a man you can’t take care of yourself. That is why we are turned off when someone repeatedly texts and calls, even when we don’t respond. When you have the confidence to allow a man to take care of you, he feels masculine, secure, and devoted to you.
With confidence, you already own everything you need to attract a quality man. Confidence is a choice in the moment. You create it. Don’t worry about your mom bod, child, financial situation, or ex. Just know that you have it covered. Then take action. The only life worth living is a life full of action! Once the man sees this, he’s going to be attracted to you. Attraction isn’t serendipitous. You create it.
I have dated just as many single moms as childless women. If a single mother has the qualities of a single mom as well as the confidence to own it, she is in a league of her own.
Elliot Scott is a women’s dating coach who lives in Seattle, Washington. If you want to learn more about his work and learn how to attract the perfect guy, check out his free 200 page ebook here.
What do you think? Do you find that single moms are attractive to really successful, great guys? Share in the comments!