I don't run many guests posts, but happened upon Elliot Scott, a dating coach who had a lot of really smart things to say about men and women and how we can relate better. And he has a lot of experience coaching — not to mention dating! — single moms. I love, love, love his advice, and it resonates 100% with my own experience dating a zillion men since becoming a single mom.
Check it out …
The majority of my clients are single moms. They often ask:
“Why the hell would a successful guy want to date a single mom?”
They're often stunned at my answer:
That said, I can understand why mothers feel sub-par on the dating market.
Single moms are indeed stigmatized in some dating circles.
Whether it be their “mom bods,” drama from the exes, worry the child will be a hassle, or that these women are financially destitute, single moms can get stuck in negative thinking that holds them back from meeting men who are their educational, intellectual and social peers.
Here is what you need to know about this subject:
- 5 things to remember as a single mom in the dating world
- Single moms have their shit together
- Be proud of your single motherhood
- Don't be afraid to show your success
- Focus on the right guy
- Let him take care of you
- Thinking of dating again as a single mom, but not sure where to start?
- Matchmaker sites for single parents
5 things to remember as a single mom in the dating world
Here is the secret that most single moms miss:
97% of men’s interactions with women is driven by fear.
Men closely relate their success and egos to whether they can win over a quality woman. It’s in our evolutionary makeup.
When a man doesn’t win over women of high quality, he questions his self-worth.
Single moms have their shit together
In today's culture, success is defined by looks, yes, but also the very qualities that are unique to single mothers: A single mom knows first-hand what responsibility is.
She knows true love and has demonstrated an emotional connection that childless women have not.
A single mom is patient, open-minded, trustworthy, loyal, and selfless.
She wants to better herself and others around her.
She’s careful, sensitive, caring, loving, strong, and is on a goal of constant self-improvement.
A single mom has meaning to her life.
These are all qualities great guys are looking for.
Successful men don’t want women who run around, stay out every night, drink too much, have no control over themselves, and are unpredictable.
We like women who are strong, stable, and are feminine — all the qualities of a successful single mom.
After all, what is more truly feminine that a mother?
Despite this, so many single moms struggle with self-confidence in romance.
I understand that it can be easy to buy into those single mom stigmas.
I also understand that you've had your heart broken by not-so-great guys.
It's time to get over it. Look at yourself and your life through the eyes of the type of man you desire.
Appreciate how strong, loving and capable you are.
You've already proven that you can handle so much, and move through hard times with grace.
Embrace the fact you have all the traits to attract quality men and build a lasting, loving relationship.
Here's how to attract and build a relationship with a successful man:
Be proud of your single motherhood
Once you own those traits mentioned above, you automatically step into the role of a quality woman.
But you have to OWN it first! By owning your traits, taking responsibility for your situation and actions, and having a positive outlook, you automatically raise your social proof and value.
Don't be afraid to show your success
Successful men don't want a needy woman.
Most single moms I know have their acts together.
They have dynamic careers, are raising amazing children, and have full social lives.
To a man who also has a great life, this is catnip.
A successful single mom shows a man that his life, freedom and social status are not threatened and that makes single moms hot.
These insights were really eye-opening to me. I've had a really great time over the past six years dating like a maniac in New York City, a place teeming with interesting, successful men — many of whom were married to stay-at-home wives whom they are now paying a lot of alimony and child support. I've found that these dudes really, really appreciate a woman who makes her own money, and love when women will commiserate with them when they complain that:
- He did not agree for her to quit her career, but by the time they split up it was too late, or …
- She couldn't keep a job, or pursued a career that was not lucrative, but felt entitled to maintain the lifestyle his career had afforded her, or …
- She refused to get a job, or chose low-paying, part-time work to qualify for more money from him — none of the above of which are the same as both partners mutually agreeing one would forgo their earning potential for the sake of the family, which is what alimony is designed for.
That said, there were a few men in my recent history who clearly didn't really get what it means to be a single mom who has a career and big goals. They didn't get me, and these men didn't understand women, either.
Take, for example, the movie set designer, who made a lot of money, judging by the $10,000 he paid his ex monthly, his flashy Upper West Side apartment, and the fact that he told me all the time he made a lot of money. This guy was in his early 50s, and after a year-long affair with a hot 25-year-old blonde who worked retail that ended his 20-year marriage, he'd dated a stream of hot 25-year-old blondes who worked retail, according to his Instagram feed. We went out for a few months, and I appreciated that he was creatively brilliant and a basically good guy, and he did treat me well. But we never gelled.
I always felt that while we connected intellectually, I was a good 30 lbs too fat for him, and frankly, too independent. I'd imagine that he'd tell his therapist about me, and because she'd urge him to pursue someone age- and professionally appropriate like, say, me, he stuck it out for a while, even if my flabby ass and full bush didn't really do it for him. He did, however, really appreciate that unlike his other, less hard-knocked-life honies, I understood his divorce woes. But, because he had for 20 years a wife who did not have a career, who had their kid 80 percent of the month, he did not understand me.
The designer'd often suggest we go out to loud clubs populated with hot 25-year-olds and guys in their 50s in expensive suits during the week, at like 10 p.m. Finally, after the half-dozenth invitation, I said: “You know, I can get a sitter from time to time, but weeknights aren't my thing. I have kids at home, you know!”
Him: [Blank stare. Blink. Blink.]
And after the 100th bitter rant about what he saw as his lazy, entitled ex-wife who refused to work full-time, I said: “I appreciate that being a mom to one teenager is not a full-time job, and your ex-wife needs to stop being so entitled, but your career did benefit from having her home taking care of your kid all those years.”
Him: [Blank stare. Blink. Blink.]
I have said it before, and it stands saying a million times: The power of pussy is real. The life you lead is a force for activism, or not. You inform others around you how to treat you, and also how to treat others. The way you manage your romantic life — whether in casual dating, or in a long-term marriage — affects those around you, directly and indirectly, which trickles into politics and policy, near and far. When you demand respect for “women's work” at home by presuming it is shared, you, by default, are demanding respect for “women's work” in the rest of the world.
Focus on the right guy
I often see successful single moms going after the wrong guys.
These might be men who are not their professional or social peers — men who will indeed be threatened by her success.
Or you might have your eyes on a younger man who doesn’t know what it’s like to have a family or is not ready to settle down.
This guy is in a different stage in his life than you. Instead, focus on a man who is ready for a family and is truly open to your situation.
This might mean you date single dads, or men who have been involved with single moms before.
Let him take care of you
When a woman starts to focus on pleasing the man, opposed to accepting his care, she ruins the natural mating cycle.
The man’s job is to please and satisfy the woman.
If it’s the other way around, he will start to focus on his needs and not yours.
As long as he satisfies you and you let him know through gratitude, he will continue to help and love you.
Over-pleasing is a sign of seeking validation.
This subconsciously tells a man you can’t take care of yourself.
That is why we are turned off when someone repeatedly texts and calls, even when we don’t respond.
When you have the confidence to allow a man to take care of you, he feels masculine, secure, and devoted to you.
With confidence, you already own everything you need to attract a quality man.
Confidence is a choice in the moment. You create it. Don’t worry about your mom bod, child, financial situation, or ex.
Just know that you have it covered. Then take action. The only life worth living is a life full of action!
Once the man sees this, he’s going to be attracted to you.
Attraction isn’t serendipitous. You create it.
I have dated just as many single moms as childless women.
If a single mother has the qualities of a single mom as well as the confidence to own it, she is in a league of her own.
Thinking of dating again as a single mom, but not sure where to start?
Dating sites for single moms
Check out a dating app. This is the easiest, cheapest way to get your mojo back, and get a feel for what is happening out there. All you need to do is connect with one cute guy or girl to get that spark going again.
EliteSingles is especially geared towards people who are educated professionals, looking for serious relationships, with features like:
- A deep personality survey to make highly compatible matches
- Profiles verified by Customer Care
- 82% of the members have a college education
- Over 90% of members aged 30+
Matchmaker sites for single parents
There is a reason matchmakers have been in use since the dawn of human sexuality — they work!
Matchmakers tend to be very expensive, with no guarantees. It's Just Lunch is different.
I did a lot of research on It's Just Lunch, and went through the onboarding process, which you can listen to in audio, and read the transcript. I am so impressed — if I weren't in a serious relationship, I'd 100% use this service.
Here is a deep review of It's Just Lunch, which is the largest matchmaking service in the world, and searches its network of literally millions of singles to find you quality dates. Here is what I like about it:
- Guaranteed number of dates. They quote you a custom price that includes a fixed number of dates over a certain period of time (you can pause your engagement with penalty for any reason — including finding love 😍).
- Both parties pay and invest in the service — so everyone is equally invested in finding a quality relationship (and can afford the service)
- 2 free one-on-one personal dating coaching sessions
- Daters tend to be in their 40s and older, so lots of successful men who have kids and are open to moms with kids and successful careers
- You are assigned a designated matchmaker who goes through rigorous training, and has years of experience — so their intuition is high!
- It's Just Lunch is 28 years old, reports 3 million first dates (!) and thousands of relationships and marriages
In this post I lay out the pros and cons of matchmaking experiences, and you can hear for yourself as I go through what you can expect in your first experience with an It's Just Lunch dating specialist.
Wealthysinglemommy.com founder Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, activist and author. A former Associated Press reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has appeared on CNBC, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, NPR, TIME, The Doctors, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine. Winner of Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web” and a New York Observer “Most Eligible New Yorker,” her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was a New York Post Must Read. A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Emma's Top Single Mom Resources.