Dating coach: “Single moms are hot on the successful-men market”

single moms are hot

I don't run many guests posts, but happened upon Elliot Scott, a dating coach who had a lot of really smart things to say about men and women and how we can relate better. And he has a lot of experience coaching — not to mention dating! — single moms. I love, love,  love his advice, and it resonates 100% with my own experience dating a zillion men since becoming a single mom.


Check it out …

The majority of my clients are single moms. They often ask:

“Why the hell would a successful guy want to date a single mom?”

They're often stunned at my answer:

Single moms who take responsibility for their families, who are awesome moms, and successful in their lives are extremely desirable to successful, attractive men.

Date single parents on Elite Singles >>

That said, I can understand why mothers feel sub-par on the dating market.

Single moms are indeed stigmatized in some dating circles.

Whether it be their “mom bods,” drama from the exes, worry the child will be a hassle, or that these women are financially destitute, single moms can get stuck in negative thinking that holds them back from meeting men who are their educational, intellectual and social peers.

Here is what you need to know about this subject:

5 things to remember as a single mom in the dating world

Here is the secret that most single moms miss:

97% of men’s interactions with women is driven by fear.

Men closely relate their success and egos to whether they can win over a quality woman. It’s in our evolutionary makeup.

When a man doesn’t win over women of high quality, he questions his self-worth.

Single moms have their shit together

In today's culture, success is defined by looks, yes, but also the very qualities that are unique to single mothers:  A single mom knows first-hand what responsibility is.

She knows true love and has demonstrated an emotional connection that childless women have not.

A single mom is patient, open-minded, trustworthy, loyal, and selfless.

She wants to better herself and others around her.

She’s careful, sensitive, caring, loving, strong, and is on a goal of constant self-improvement.

A single mom has meaning to her life.

These are all qualities great guys are looking for.

Successful men don’t want women who run around, stay out every night, drink too much, have no control over themselves, and are unpredictable.

We like women who are strong, stable, and are feminine — all the qualities of a successful single mom.

After all, what is more truly feminine that a mother?

[Best dating apps and sites for single moms]

Despite this, so many single moms struggle with self-confidence in romance.

I understand that it can be easy to buy into those single mom stigmas.

I also understand that you've had your heart broken by not-so-great guys.

It's time to get over it. Look at yourself and your life through the eyes of the type of man you desire.

Appreciate how strong, loving and capable you are.

You've already proven that you can handle so much, and move through hard times with grace.

Embrace the fact you have all the traits to attract quality men and build a lasting, loving relationship.

Here's how to attract and build a relationship with a successful man:

Be proud of your single motherhood

Once you own those traits mentioned above, you automatically step into the role of a quality woman.

But you have to OWN it first! By owning your traits, taking responsibility for your situation and actions, and having a positive outlook, you automatically raise your social proof and value.

Confidence attracts confidence.

Don't be afraid to show your success

Successful men don't want a needy woman.

Most single moms I know have their acts together.

They have dynamic careers, are raising amazing children, and have full social lives.

To a man who also has a great life, this is catnip.

A successful single mom shows a man that his life, freedom and social status are not threatened and that makes single moms hot.

Focus on the right guy

I often see successful single moms going after the wrong guys.

These might be men who are not their professional or social peers — men who will indeed be threatened by her success.

Or you might have your eyes on a younger man who doesn’t know what it’s like to have a family or is not ready to settle down.

This guy is in a different stage in his life than you. Instead, focus on a man who is ready for a family and is truly open to your situation.

This might mean you date single dads, or men who have been involved with single moms before.

Find great guys near you on Elite Singles or consider a matchmaking service like It's Just Lunch.

Let him take care of you

When a woman starts to focus on pleasing the man, opposed to accepting his care, she ruins the natural mating cycle.

The man’s job is to please and satisfy the woman.

If it’s the other way around, he will start to focus on his needs and not yours.

As long as he satisfies you and you let him know through gratitude, he will continue to help and love you.

Over-pleasing is a sign of seeking validation.

This subconsciously tells a man you can’t take care of yourself.

That is why we are turned off when someone repeatedly texts and calls, even when we don’t respond.

When you have the confidence to allow a man to take care of you, he feels masculine, secure, and devoted to you.

With confidence, you already own everything you need to attract a quality man.

Confidence is a choice in the moment. You create it. Don’t worry about your mom bod, child, financial situation, or ex.

Just know that you have it covered. Then take action. The only life worth living is a life full of action!

Once the man sees this, he’s going to be attracted to you.

Attraction isn’t serendipitous. You create it.

I have dated just as many single moms as childless women.

[Single moms and younger men: Cougar report]

If a single mother has the qualities of a single mom as well as the confidence to own it, she is in a league of her own.

successful men date single moms
Elliot Scott is a women’s dating coach who lives in Seattle, Washington.

All about finding a quality man who appreciates your motherhood


Thinking of dating again as a single mom, but not sure where to start?

Dating sites for single moms

Check out a dating app. This is the easiest, cheapest way to get your mojo back, and get a feel for what is happening out there. All you need to do is connect with one cute guy or girl to get that spark going again. 

Here is my list of the best dating sites and apps for single moms.

EliteSingles is especially geared towards people who are educated professionals, looking for serious relationships, with features like:

  • A deep personality survey to make highly compatible matches
  • Profiles verified by Customer Care
  • 82% of the members have a college education
  • Over 90% of members aged 30+

Online dating course

Unsure of how dating works in 2019 — with apps, texting, sexting, dick pics?

Worried about flaunting your new mom bod on the market?

That is why I developed the bestselling video course, Get Back Into Dating AGAIN for Single Moms.

This video course takes you step-by-step to work through your fears, hopes, create a dating site and get your sexy on.

Guaranteed to get you on one quality, positive date! 

Matchmaker sites for single parents

There is a reason matchmakers have been in use since the dawn of human sexuality — they work!

Matchmakers tend to be very expensive, with no guarantees. It's Just Lunch is different.

I did a lot of research on It's Just Lunch, and went through the onboarding process, which you can listen to in audio, and read the transcript. I am so impressed — if I weren't in a serious relationship, I'd 100% use this service.

Here is a deep review of It's Just Lunch, which is the largest matchmaking service in the world, and searches its network of literally millions of singles to find you quality dates. Here is what I like about it:

  • Guaranteed number of dates. They quote you a custom price that includes a fixed number of dates over a certain period of time (you can pause your engagement with penalty for any reason — including finding love 😍).
  • Both parties pay and invest in the service — so everyone is equally invested in finding a quality relationship (and can afford the service)
  • 2 free one-on-one personal dating coaching sessions
  • Daters tend to be in their 40s and older, so lots of successful men who have kids and are open to moms with kids and successful careers
  • You are assigned a designated matchmaker who goes through rigorous training, and has years of experience — so their intuition is high!
  • It's Just Lunch is 28 years old, reports 3 million first dates (!) and thousands of relationships and marriages

In this post I lay out the pros and cons of matchmaking experiences, and you can hear for yourself as I go through what you can expect in your first experience with an It's Just Lunch dating specialist.

About Emma Johnson

Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, noted blogger, and bestselling author. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour, Oprah.com, U.S. News, Parenting, USA Today and others. Her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was named to the New York Post's ‘Must Read” list.Emma regularly comments on issues of modern families, gender equality, divorce, sex and motherhood for outlets like CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine and The Doctors. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and a “Most Eligible New Yorker” by New York Observer.A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Read more about Emma here.  Find out Emma's top Single Mom Resources here.

33 Comments

  1. Paul Stewart on September 29, 2019 at 12:36 am

    I have to disagree with this. As a childfree man (I am now married) I of course didn’t see myself having anything serious in dating a woman with kids. My wife feels the same way and understands how I feel. At least, I would mention to such a woman who had kids that we are in no way a match, instead of giving her false hope just to get you know what.

  2. Anon on February 21, 2019 at 6:38 pm

    Just because a woman is childless/childfree doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have her life together. Nor does it mean that she’s running around, drinking too much, or being irresponsibly.

    Not all single mothers have their lives together either. Some are very irresponsible, do drugs or drink too much, abuse and/or neglect their children, etc.

    Every woman is different. What matters most is finding one that is compatible with you, whether she has children or not.

  3. Bernie on January 12, 2019 at 9:28 am

    Speaking honestly as a man who would typically never date a single mother who was divorced, I would give serious consideration to the possibility of having a relationship with a widow. It would not be an ideal dating situation, to be clear. But I, and many many other men like me, who stay away from single mothers like the plague, do make an exception in theory for a widow.
    I cannot even explain why, because I am not sure why. I just do not put you in the same basket as single divorced women. I do not see you as used up or worthless. I also do not automatically question your virtue or loyalty.
    Single divorced mothers, on the other hand, I would never have anything to do with.
    Ever.

    • Jennifer on August 9, 2019 at 7:38 pm

      Thanks a lot!! I’m not divorced because I wanted to be!! I’m divorced because my ex wanted a young pretty girl.

  4. Jacqueline Dayton on June 26, 2018 at 7:55 pm

    This article is amazing! Thank you so much for writing it. I have first hand experience dating a successful man who did not have children himself. It wasn’t right for me in the long-term and I was scared to break up in fear of never finding another man of his caliber again (due to being a single mother). This article was exactly what I needed to read before dating again. Of course there are men who don’t want to date women with children, but men with a good head on their shoulders that are open to the idea of a committed relationship with a single mom are the cream of the crop. If you are single mom reading the negative comments, don’t despair. I have plenty of single mom friends who have married incredible men. And don’t forget that Princess Mette-Marit of Norway was a single mom who married the Prince of Norway. The world is what we make of it and I’m going to use these words to build my confidence to find my prince – whether or not he has kids, what is important is that he is kind, loving to my children and knows how lucky he is to have us all in his life.

    • Bilkisu B. M. on July 27, 2019 at 7:46 am

      Just to correct my write up. Few Men came but I’m not interested, Wait patiently for my choice. However I wasn’t divorce but rather I divorced. That’s I went to court to end up the marriage. Thank you

    • Sara on August 6, 2019 at 9:06 pm

      Oy, I’m just getting into dating again. But I was a stay at home mom. Worked very part time around the kids schedule. I did ALL of the emotional labor. Now I’m finding myself under educated and under employed. This is where my insecurities lie. Especially since I seem to be attracting successful men. I am taking steps to get more education and working more (I’m a massage therapist) . My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. Didn’t support me going back to school etc… but then call me uneducated etc… so I am really trying to reframe my thinking on how I am worthy!! I think once I’m more financially independent I’ll feel more secure.

  5. Karla Sierra on June 1, 2018 at 9:21 am

    I started dating again after my husband left me and found that I have plenty to choose from. Its okay to take a leap of faith no matter how many haters are out there. Truth is that single moms are well seasoned in all kinds of ways and good men notice. Sorry for those people that are salty of the fact that single moms are hot. Times are changing and everyone circumstances are different. Don’t let anyone’s opinion keep you from being happy. Let the world know your awesome!!

    • Emma on June 1, 2018 at 10:48 am

      Yes! My experience!!! Thank you for sharing!

  6. Catherine on April 7, 2018 at 5:31 pm

    Thank you for sharing. It’s very inspiring. I have been successful being a single mom but it’s hard to find a successful and quality man out there.

  7. Kiki on February 18, 2018 at 11:59 pm

    My eyes rolled back too but not quite the same reason but it was similar. I will gladly accept a guy to take care of me, but ONLY if I’m allowed to return the actions. Both sides need to be taken care of. No one sided relationship lasts bc like they say, if you put someone on a pedestal, they can only look down upon you.
    I agree tho, this advice is straight b.s.

    • Rach on September 4, 2019 at 1:25 pm

      Kiki it was super refreshing to read your comments even though they were last year.
      I’m a single mum and have been exactly where you were. In fact I could have written your statement word for word.
      I’m just having fun now and I don’t need anyone to validate me.

  8. Kiki on February 18, 2018 at 11:57 pm

    I am a single mom and honestly the comments on here sound like a bunch of whiny children on both sides. Would I like to be in a relationship? Maybe, someday. Am I desperate for it? Hell no!! I survived a terrible marriage and tried to keep it functioning, zombie style, bc I wanted a stable family for my kids. But I made the decision to leave bc I didn’t want my children to model their father in how they acted or expected in a man.

    When I go on dates, I disclose immediately that I have children. If they aren’t interested, fine, less wasted time. It’s not the end of the world. I am fine with waiting to find someone, bc I went thru hell to get out.

    If I don’t, that’s ok too. Ill just travel the world with my kids and enjoy life to the fullest. Not get hung up on whether I can “find a man to take car of me” Pshh… I can take care of myself. I would love a companion, but I’m also not ever lowering myself to those depths again. What kind of role model am I being for my children to emulate if I did?

    I will spoil the hell out of a guy, but if he doesn’t return the effort, he’s out the door. I know my self worth, I had to fight tooth and nail to get that back. I don’t feel entitled to this type of attitude tho… “When a woman starts to focus on pleasing the man, opposed to accepting his care, she ruins the natural mating cycle. The man’s job is to please and satisfy the woman. If it’s the other way around, he will start to focus on his needs and not yours.”
    Bunch of B.S. my eyes glazed over and rolled to the back of my head.

    Life does suck sometimes as a single mom, but you know what sucks more? Being in an abusive relationship with someone that’s suppose to be your partner and protector. For those that are searching desperately for love as a single mom, yall need to get it together. The desperation is what is preventing you from it. Maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t. But you have your life and your wonderful children to take care of. Be happy and grateful for that. Live YOUR life and worry about the other crap less.

    • Kiki on February 19, 2018 at 12:06 am

      And let me clarify, a neglectful relationship is just as bad as an abusive one. Its just a different type of damage. If you are in a physically abusive, mentally abusive, or sexually abusive relationship, GET OUT NOW!! Your kids will grow up thinking it is normal and there’s a chance they will model it in their adult lives! Being a dysfunctional family but together can definitely be worse for kids than just separating and them growing up like that. I am a living breathing example of this and also am example of repeating the cycle. I broke mine bc I will not let my kids think it’s ok.

      Sorry for the soapbox rant but re-reading some (specifically one) of the replies made me want to clarify this.

      • Justine on March 23, 2018 at 7:51 pm

        kiki
        You are my inspiration! As much as I want to have a great guy as a championship , the reality is that, it may or may not happen. I rather be mentally well and pull the plug even though it hurts like hell and be single for the rest of my life, than to be with a narc. For my children’s well-being and sanity, it’s worthy of the temporary pain and suffering. I don’t care if I feel lonely. I don’t care if I am broke. I don’t need a looser to justify my worth. To the looser, I ‘m a supply to be used and abused. I am a human GODDAMIT! This also goes out to the men out there, who has been in a bad relationship too.

    • CAF on March 9, 2018 at 11:34 pm

      THIS RIGHT HERE!!!!!!

    • charmain stanley on June 18, 2019 at 5:59 pm

      Such a refreshing read and exactly my story! Thank you for sharing your experience. Here’s to loving ourselves until we find love xx

    • Bilkisu B. M. on July 27, 2019 at 7:53 am

      Thanks for sharing, I love this energy.

  9. Queenie on January 31, 2017 at 9:46 pm

    Why are you reading this post if you are not a single mom? The dating world is falling down at your feet.

  10. Haute mom in Mpls on August 20, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    Great article – I have recently started dating again and this is exactly what I needed to read . Sometimes us single moms forget how fabulous we are – thanks for the reminder!

    • Emma on August 22, 2015 at 8:18 am

      I love what he says!

  11. Stefanie @ The Broke and Beautiful Life on August 10, 2015 at 8:14 am

    I completely agree with his reasoning – (good) moms (or dads) are masters of some of the most attractive qualities in a person/partner.

    • Emma on August 10, 2015 at 8:43 am

      Agreed!

    • Elliot Scott Dating on August 10, 2015 at 4:50 pm

      double agreed!

    • Bilkisu B. M. on July 27, 2019 at 7:56 am

      Seriously agreed with you, since I get these quality compliments in the neighborhood, I’m happy.

  12. Eve in Silver Spring on August 10, 2015 at 8:09 am

    I like the reminder to let him take care of you, rather than trying to please him in order to get his affirmation. Thanks for the insightful posting!

    • Emma on August 10, 2015 at 8:43 am

      Note to self: Do that!

    • Elliot Scott Dating on August 10, 2015 at 4:50 pm

      Thank you. It’s the biggest misconception people have with relationships. A man’s ego is based off how well he attracts and satisfies quality women. If you are satisfied and let him know, he’s going to keep doing it because that’s what satisfies him.

  13. Elliot Scott Dating on August 10, 2015 at 4:10 am

    Emma,

    Thanks for the opportunity. You’re an amazing woman to work with and hope to do more with you in the future. For her readers: believe me when I say men want single moms! They are a true blessing. Focus on YOU and quality men will come.

    Elliot

    • Emma on August 10, 2015 at 4:56 am

      *LIKE*

    • Katherine on May 1, 2016 at 4:28 pm

      Thanks for sharing this perspective. It made me realized that I need to be more proud of myself.

    • Sheila on October 14, 2016 at 10:17 pm

      Thanks for that, Elliot– you made my day! Cheers to connections!

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