3 things I wish I knew about dating after divorce and rebound relationships

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Eighteen months after my marriage ended, I jumped into a heady, sexually intense year-long relationship with a fellow writer and parent who was 20 years older than I was. In hindsight, it was no surprise it ended — his kids were grown, mine were tiny, our lives were at different points. But that did not make me love him any less, and did nothing to tamper the absolute devastation that pummeled me when we broke up.

Even months after we split, Sundays when my kids are with their dad and I would have otherwise spent with my ex-boyfriend, I instead engaged in unseemly behavior like walking around the streets of Manhattan while bawling uncontrollably, listening to John Legend on a loop, and reading the Wikipedia page on Carrie and Mr. Big.

I was a steaming-hot mess, deeply in a painful heartbreak like I’d never experienced — even more than what I endured in my divorce in many ways.

Not only was all this embarrassing, it was also incongruous with the events at hand. Something else was at play.

It took me more than five years of blogging about single mothers and connecting here and on social media with literally hundred of thousands of moms who are single by way of divorce, choice, separation, or other, to really understand what was happening to me.

Turns out, this pain is specific to that first post-divorce/relationship breakup, and it is universally brutal (but worth it).

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Here are three things I wish I knew about dating after divorce:

1. First thing 

That first big relationship after divorce is BIG, and DEEP and very sexually intense. 

2. Second thing 

The second lesson I learned about dating after divorce is that first relationship HURTS LIKE HELL when it ends. 

3. Third thing

Final big dating-after-divorce lesson: Dating is new and fresh and fun and exciting at this phase of life. You invent the rules! Try anything you like! 

Here’s what I wish I knew about first relationships after divorce:

Your first relationship after divorce

Does the first relationship after divorce last?

It seems to be a universal experience: When that first relationship after divorce ends it just kills. When that relationship ended, it hurt like a motherfucker! Holy shit did that hurt. Ouchie!! Owwie ow ow ow! Mommy! Make it stop! Please, ow ow owie ouchie ow I can’t take any more!!!

It took me a long time, and a lot of interaction with other, divorced people to figure out why post-divorce rebounds are akin to your body dripping with infected hangnails while, at the same time, a rusty scythe strikes your guts. Again. And again. And again.

Even more than an ending love, all that pain and torment is really about contending with unresolved heartbreak from divorce. You are likely as I was: needing to go through that rebound and the subsequent pain. It served as a critical point of reference through which I dealt with the dissolution of my marriage.

Divorce often robs us of the opportunity to mourn the romantic relationship itself because there is so much practical and logistical hell to contend with at the time of the split. Including:

Is the first relationship after divorce doomed?

No! Not all first relationships after divorce end. But most do. That’s OK!

5 tips for dating after divorce

First relationship and sex after divorce

After my post-divorce rebound, I needed another rebound relationship. I happened to be his first post-divorce rebound relationship. I couldn’t believe my good fortune, especially after fear that I would never find love after divorce.

My first serious relationship after divorce

Me: “I’ve been thinking about how the first time you sleep with someone, you’re not really sleeping with that person — you’re really sleeping with all the other people you’ve had sex with before them.”

Him: “That’s right. You’re really sleeping with your point of reference.”

In essence, before you get to know a new lover’s body and preferences — as well as how your own body and preferences fit with that person — each of us is really just sorting through all of the bodies and preferences that came before in order to truly enjoy current company.

Relationships are no different. And this analogy holds most true in a rebound relationship.

There has been plenty written on the perils of the rebound. The old maxim suggests that the recently heart-broken is too angry/vulnerable/hurt to be truly open to a new love. The rebounder is at risk of attaching too quickly to the wrong person, and those dating a rebounder are subject to wandering into the line of fire of scatter-shot devotion.

I’ve written exhaustively about my own post-marriage rebound with a man who was also recently divorced. It lasted a full year and was thrilling, wonderful and dysfunctional.

When that relationship ended, it hurt like a motherfucker! Holy shit did that hurt. Ochie!! Owwie ow ow ow! Mommy! Make it stop! Please, ow ow owie ouchie ow I can’t take any more!!! Even more than an ending love, all that pain and torment was really about contending with unresolved heartbreak from my divorce. But I needed to go through that rebound and the subsequent pain. It served as a critical point of reference through which I dealt with the dissolution of my marriage.

Divorce rates for second and third marriages

Falling in love too soon after divorce

But no matter how much I tried to stay true to my belief that anything is possible in love, there was no escaping that I am three years out of my marriage while he is a mere three weeks. This guy’s giddy openness about starting life anew reminded me of just how I felt at that juncture.

I also sensed a vulnerability and neediness that was woefully familiar — in this man I could see myself two years ago when I, too, first ventured into post-divorce dating. It evoked being on a third date with my own rebound boyfriend. Anxiously, across the table in a dimly lit West Village restaurant, I stammered: “Are you dating anyone else? Because I’m not.” My barely salvaged heart could barely stand the risk of being dinged yet again.

Today, I feel differently about emotional risk, heartbreak and dating. On the one hand, bring it on! You don’t get to the good stuff in relationships without putting yourself out there emotionally. But now I don’t feel quite as vulnerable and needy. I am feeling strong and free and optimistic about love in a different, more grounded way — one that allows me to see obvious love landmines before I enthusiastically dance on one. As such, I couldn’t figure out how to make my own phase of divorce jibe with that of my recent amour.

So in a breakup email exchange, I shared more or less what I said here. I added that I hoped we could stay connected in some way, keep open the possibility of finding each other in other phases of our journeys. What I got in response was one of the most touching compliments I’ve received in a very long time. It said:

“I can’t think of anyone I would rather have lost my divorce virginity to.”

What to know about dating while going through a divorce

Can you find true love after divorce?

Answer: Yes.

One data point: Me.

I separated from my husband when I was 33 and pregnant with a toddler. A year and a half later I started to date. I dated like a maniac and had a blast meeting all kinds of wonderful, mediocre and weird men. Tons of sex, fell in love once or twice, made some new friends and a bunch of stories. Three years ago I feel in love with a wonderful man who loves me, loves my kids, and wants to spend his life with me.

I’m not special. I’m a little fat, pretty loud, frequently grumpy and fickle.

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Should you get back together with an ex after a breakup?

Lots of people do, with a lot of success. Here are reasons not to get back together with an ex after breakup:

  • You want totally different things and you believe you will change him.
  • You want totally different things and you are ready to make major, soul-crushing compromises to make it work.
  • Abuse.
  • You know in your heart is wrong but you’re so lonely. Or horny.
  • You tell yourself you’ll just hook up with no feelings involved.
  • You’re miserable with him, if comfortable.

Is the first relationship after divorce always a rebound?

Rebound relationships are a real, and necessary thing. There has to be a first for everything — including post-divorce relationship!

I think what your asking is: Is the first relationship after a divorce doomed to end? Will my new relationship after my divorce last forever and ever?

Technically, the first relationship after your divorce is, in fact, a rebound relationship. Some rebound relationships end in flames, while others last for eternity. Keep reading for more …

Being the new girlfriend after divorce

If you are the first person your man dated after (or while!) his divorce, her are some unique challenges you may face:

  • Jealousy from his crazy-ass ex-wife
  • Jealousy from his understandably hurt ex-wife
  • Adjustments from his kids
  • Adjustments from his friends and extended family
  • Managing his own grief and baggage
  • Your own understandable insecurity — Is he on the rebound? Are you being used? Does he still love his wife? Will the kids hate you — and result in you being dumped?

Rebound relationship after divorce statistics

Divorcing people are also forced to face the loss of dreams of family life, and what the rest of your life will be like. And there is a ton of fear about all of it.

All this upheaval and stress can leave little room to deal with simple loss of love. When you are contending with a 360-degree life barf, there is scant space to sit quietly and feel the weighty grief of no longer spending nights with a person who you at least once — likely still — loved very much. Not just the absence of somebody. The absence of him.

Which is where the rebound breakup and all its gory hurt come in. If you’re like me, that relationship was just that. Someone who I cared very much about, knew my kids, but was a lover — no more. He was not my partner. We were emotionally, intellectually, sexually intertwined. But our lives were completely separate. We owned nothing together (though I’m still kind of annoyed with myself for never retrieving that La Perla nighty from his apartment, but I’ll live), and did not even share friends. When we broke up there was nothing to contend with but grief.

Which is another reason why we do not mourn the love for our husbands immediately after divorce. Divorce often comes after months and years of a really unhappy relationship. By the time the four-way lawyers meetings start, you’ve forgotten about the emotional, intellectual and sexual connection you once shared with that man. It was likely missing for a very long time — which is exactly why it is so intoxicating when we find that connection again in a rebound. And, if you’re like me, you consciously appreciate those mutual feelings so very much more — which only adds to the scythe bludgeoning once it falls.

As far as divorce rebound relationship success rates — I couldn’t find any statistics, but did find this about remarriages:

U.S. divorce rates:

  • 41-50% first marriages
  • 60-67% second marriages.
  • 73-74% for third marriages

“Nothing so easy as catching a heart on the rebound.”

— Mary Russell Mitford

Rebound relationship stages

Generally, there are two main phases of a rebound relationship:

1. Elation and infatuation.

In this first phase of rebound relationships, you likely feel so damned happy to feel a connection, be touched, have sex and be cared for. You had felt like you would never feel that spark, or that anyone would be attracted to you — and now both are actually happening! It is amazing! You were wrong about all the bad things and this gives you hope for everything you could ever imagine!

The glee can be so intense you feel like it is love. It could turn into love eventually — but it absolutely is not love right now. Trust me on this. You are not in love.

2. Constant comparison to your ex and your previous relationship — good and bad both.

Imagine that you ate rice and beans every single day for your whole life. The only food memory you have is of rice and beans, and because everyone you ever knew only ate R&B, and the only food available in your universe was rice and beans, to you, food was rice and beans. Maybe you loved rice and beans and were cool with this, but maybe you hated rice and beans and craved something else.

And then one day you eat a cantaloupe. All you would do was drool in wonder over this cantaloupe. Compare cantaloupe to rice and beans. Your mind is fucking blown. Cantaloupe, cantaloupe, cantaloupe. Sweet, juicy, pretty color, creamy texture.

But you’d also start to wonder if you were going to die because cantaloupe doesn’t have protein and you sorta missed rice and beans. It’s complicated. They’re both good. You like both (though cantaloupe is better) bit you get confused sometimes. Sometimes you are sure that your life is 1,000X better now that you have cantaloupe. But sometimes a bowl of R&B would be good — for old times. Rice and beans wasn’t so bad, right? Then you remember that one time with rice and beans and you’re not really sure.

3. Devastating heartbreak that feels like it will never fucking end.

Or, you stay together more or less happily with your new dude — though relationships are usually complicated, especially at this late stage now that everyone is so wounded.

4. Eventually, you get over the heartbreak and move on. It might seem impossible now, but you will feel better.

Read our reviews of popular dating sites:

Learn more about how to tell if you are in a toxic relationship.

Why do rebound relationships feel like love?

When you are in a breakup, you feel an intense romantic connection to your ex — but the energy is negative. You hate your ex.

When you find a rebound relationship, you also feel an intense romantic connection to your new lover — and the energy is so positive! In our culture, we describe an intense, positive romantic energy as love.

That is a fallacy.

Are rebound relationships good or bad?

Rebound relationships are necessary — someone has to be your first relationship and sex after a breakup or divorce, right?

Just don’t fuck up your life for this person, at least not for a good 3 years. Practice:

  • Birth control
  • Separate residences
  • No marriages or comingling finances
  • STD checks

Can rebound relationships work? How long does a relationship last?

100% absolutely people fall in real love, marry or otherwise spend many happy decades together with a rebound relationship — or even affair partner. But there is no reason to jump there. This may be a friend with benefit, short-term lover, hook-up or boyfriend for a few years.

No need to rush.

Why rebound relationships fail

Rebound relationships fail because one of you is a hot mess from the previous relationship, not healed, but hungry for emotional connection and likely sex. The new boyfriend or girlfriend got wrapped up by proxy in the intensity of that breakup, confusing it for a future, when instead it was just that: An intense romance.

How do I know if it’s a rebound relationship?

If one if you were in a relationship that ended relatively recently, or the person has not dated since the divorce or breakup, it is likely a rebound relationship. If the connection is white-hot and insane, it is definitely a rebound relationship.

Warning signs in a rebound relationship

First sign: Did you find this article by googling, “Warning signs it is a rebound relationship?”

Other red flags:

  1. One of you just broke up from a big relationship
  2. The newly broken up partner stalks his or her ex on social media
  3. Lots of mentions of the previous relationship
  4. No real physical intimacy like holding hands, cuddling and connection during sex
  5. Conversation is light and fun, but not about personal stories, or big goals or efforts to share or understand each other’s world view
  6. Bananas-crazy chemistry despite having little in common
  7. You worry this is a rebound

My personal experience — how I understood my rebound relationship and got over it

So I called my best friend. I’ve known Kirsten for 20 years, and even though she lives on the other side of the country, we remain very close and she knows all my shit. Kirsten did what a good friend does: she listened. As I talked and sobbed and blubbered and talked some more it all came out.

Besides the end of my relationship, my mom has been unwell. My mom, who adores my kids second only to their parents. As my children and their needs as people grow, it seems that our circle of people shrinks – and the pressures of being a single mother mount. I am just one person responsible for two human beings. It feels like too much.

“We’ve all watched you over the past few years be so strong and amazing,” Kirsten said. “But I said to myself, ‘I hope this girl can find time to process it all. Because sooner or later it will catch up with her.’”

It has caught up with me. When my husband fell off that cliff three years ago, I slipped into survival mode: I jutted my jaw, made sure the kids and my business and the money and the divorce and the house were all in order. Trust me, there were plenty of late night crying fits and trips to therapists and a wonderful support group for loved ones of brain injury victims. But I’m not sure I fully felt the gravity of my loss – our loss. The loss my whole family suffered.

Finally, I recognized that three years’ worth of grief had come knocking. For months after that conversation, I gave myself permission to mourn. Those sad Sundays were committed to indulging the emotion and grief and healing that had eluded me.

Funny thing, how empathy blooms. At bedtime after coming home from her dad’s on Sunday, I laid next to my then-4-year-old daughter in her twin bed. She was riled up after the transition, which is not unusual, but it spiraled into something else. “Why can’t our family be like other families?” she cried. I worry I dismiss the grief my kids might feel over the divorce. After all, Lucas wasn’t even born when we separated – Helena not yet 2. “It’s always Helena, Lucas, Daddy – and Mommy separate. Or Helena, Lucas, Mommy – Daddy separate. I want us to be like Eleanor’s family.”

I wasn’t sure what to say. So I held her head in the crook of my neck and listened and let her cry and cry. “Thank you for telling me how you feel,” I said. “It’s important to get it out. Because sooner or later it will catch up with you.”

Life after divorce — 3 things you can do now to move on

How about you? How did you get over your post-divorce rebound? What did you learn from the experience? Share in the comments!

Is the first relationship after divorce always a rebound?

Technically, the first relationship after your divorce is, in fact, a rebound relationship. Some rebound relationships end in flames, while others last for eternity.

Why do rebound relationships feel like love?

When you are in a breakup, you feel an intense romantic connection to your ex, but the energy is negative. You hate your ex. When you find a rebound relationship, you also feel an intense romantic connection to your new lover and the energy is so positive! In our culture, we describe an intense, positive romantic energy as love. That is a fallacy.

Can rebound relationships work?

100% absolutely people fall in real love, marry or otherwise spend many happy decades together with a rebound relationship or even affair partner. But there is no reason to jump there. This may be a friend with benefit, short-term lover, hook-up or boyfriend for a few years.

Can you find true love after divorce?

Yes. One data point: Me. Three years ago I feel in love with a wonderful man who loves me, loves my kids, and wants to spend his life with me.

Is the first relationship after divorce doomed?

Even more than an ending love, all that pain and torment is really about contending with unresolved heartbreak from divorce.

Wealthysinglemommy.com founder Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, activist, author and expert. A former Associated Press reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has appeared on CNBC, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, NPR, TIME, The Doctors, Elle, O, The Oprah Magazine. Winner of Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web” and a New York Observer “Most Eligible New Yorker," her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was a New York Post Must Read. As an expert on divorce and gender, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality and multiple state legislature hearings. More about Emma's credentials.

246 Comments

I have been with my husband for 13 yrs married for 5 with 4 kids together then this summer we argued and I asked him to leave shortly after so I regreted knew we could work on it but he moved on within a month was officially with a work colleague a single mum herself!
I have just spent my first Christmas alone with my kids and it was the worst year ever. I hope and pray that one day my ex who is yet to divorce me or even close our joint bank account will come back and I hope he is in a rebound! I am struggling to find anyone else because I have 4 kids and limited time/friends to go out with but I still hold hope that my ex is in a rebound and will return to me! I pray!

I have been a single mother for 5 years after my husband disappeared with his mistress in to the thin air. I have done all my possible best to get my husband back home but instead he filed for divorce.
The summary of it all is that Just last month my husband has gone to meet my parents with loads of apology, he has gone there like 15 times without my knowledge asking forgiveness. He has come back to his rightful sense and right now my family is on my tail demanding that I forgive him.

My husband left me for his ex wife, This was just 2 years of our marriage. The most painful thing as that I was pregnant with our second baby. I actually thought it was over that I lost it all until my best friend connected me to

My husband left me for his ex wife, This was just 2 years of our marriage. The most painful thing as that I was pregnant with our second baby. I actually thought it was over that I lost it all

I stupidly married my rebound after only dating a year (and met her only a few months after my divorce) and I’m now stuck in a marriage with a wife I do not love and am not compatible with at all. We are little more than housemates only two years into marriage. But I feel as though I would disappoint my mother to get divorced yet again so soon after my last divorce. I rushed into everything as I was feeling so low at the time and I feel completely trapped now. I’ve since met another woman who is everything I want and need as a partner and I would be very happy with her if I hadn’t been so quick to rush into another engagement. I’ve known this woman long enough to know that we are compatible and I’m in a much better place to view things objectively. I am not and will not cheat, despite how bad things are. But it is driving me mad to know I’ve finally found someone who ticks every box after decades of looking, but because I was so quick to marry the first ‘ok’ woman that came along (I did the same with my first wife), I have likely made it impossible to ever be happy now.

Uhmm, wow. I could have written this comment, with the exception I have not yet married that rebound. Thank you for giving me a glimpse into the future if I make the mistake. It is just that I was so lonely, and I felt like my life had been stolen from me by somebody who I thought I knew. I jumped into a relationship that is at that tipping point; break up or get engaged. Your comment was very important.
So, I am so sorry for your pain and feeling of loss. But you have helped someone gain perspective.

Hey sorry to hear that you are stuck in a bad situation. I was separated and I met someone else whom I fell deeply in love with. She was everything to me and I wanted to marry her. We talked about marriage and building a new life together. We both have kids from our previous marriage. She was single for 4 years and a serial dater. I was separated 2 years and still living under the same roof as my ex.
My new gf didn’t like that I was living with my ex. She even tried to help me move out. For one time I believed her and tried to leave. I realized I was a single income and I had to provide for my kids and family it was my duty. My new gf wanted our families to meet and have x-m’as dinner. She wanted our kids to play and become a family. All of this was in a span of 3 months of dating. We broke up and got back together a lot.
Finally my ex had what she needed to move out and she moved. I finally had my own place and think my new gf and I would have a great moments again. I was wrong my new gf at this point only found and pointed at things I did wrong. Constantly putting me down, to even telling me I’m not good at vocabulary, not an intellectual nerd and that my standard were too low. Yes she had standards and expectations that I tried to meet but it was always raised. I walked out of that relationship because I got depressed and I forgot who I was. I almost went back for me abuse. I realized I put up with a lot and lost my value. I’m glad I didn’t marry her.
Your story kinda helps me to see what my future would look like.
If I were you divorce again and be happy this time. You only have one life so why spend it with some you can’t stand. Don’t jump into your next relationship. Date yourself man. I’m single now and living fine on my own. I rather live with a gold fish and use my hand to pleasure me than to put up with a woman that just brings me down.

Is it just rose coloured glasses though Sam? It is easy to see the best in someone you are not in a relationship with. My thoughts are -you are not happy in your m=new marriage- that is clear- you need to make a change. But not into a new relationship because that would likely end badly. Perhaps some time alone, to really find you and deal with old wounds, once they are healed you may might just be in a perfect spot to meet that perfect lady.

Well is your current wife happy to be with you? Why are you allowing yourself to meet other women when you are married already?

I was a recently divorced and met an old flame from 15 years ago. He was just separated and new to the divorce scene. We had such an amazing connection, chemistry, late night conversations, many laughs and although we didn’t live in the same city we made work. It was like sunshine and rainbows! But as much as I enjoyed our conversations and fun times together I knew he wasn’t in the same place as I was and we parted ways. He thanked me for helping him though some difficult times. Maybe I was naive And I was his rebound but he made me feel beautiful, sexy and smart and we shared some pretty amazing experiences. I never regretted a thing. Our days are short. Life is all about lessons and each experience teaches us what we “don’t” want in a relationship. Never settle. You are in charge of your own happiness. Live the life you imagined!

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Thank you, your article has helped calm me somewhat as I’m going through a similar situation. I’ve been having a hard time getting over a rebound relationship that ended recently. It look a lot of effort and so much work to actually try again after my husband’s passing two years ago (he died relatively young). I suppose, besides the upside of feeling intensely connected, there were other problems with the rebound relationship. But the pain of moving on from it feels like it’s quadrupled compared to previous relationships.

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Has anyone realized that Emma left her Husband after he got hurt?

What ever happened to the Wedding Vows of;

“For Better or Worse, In SICKNESS and In Health”???

What a quitter.

I’m in post divorce relationship at the moment, have been for 2 years. It has been the most exhilarating and confusing two years. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the good side and sometimes I feel like “holy shit why am I here”. I say that because when I was married, I was the money maker, decision maker, strong (maybe forceful at times) to get shit done. Then this relationship I’m in now, this man handles everything and I feel like the meek and weak female. I still don’t know how to adjust and it pisses me off. Hell, last week I was so somber at work I thought I was going to get picked for a random drug screen. I am worn out of being in my damn head. I’m tired of beating myself up mentally. How the hell do I finally overcome this vail of being meek and weak?

Anyway, I appreciate your article. I’ve been looking for something like this for a long time. Thank you to everyone who has commented. I haven’t been able to read everything but plan to today.

Thank you for this. It gives a lot of insight to a situation I didn’t know was so common after divorce. This really made me feel a little better.

This article helped me to look st the breakup from a different perspective. I was married for 39 years to the only guy I had ever dated and then it fell apart. I felt discarded, rejected, ugly and alone. Then after the hardest year of my life, along comes this fascinating, intelligent, incredibly sexy guy. We dated for 8 intense weeks of great sex, long talks and romantic moments where he told me all the wonderful things he loved about me. And then it ended. It felt like being thrown away for a 2nd time and pushed me back a few steps in my recovery. This has given me such food for thought as to what REALLY hurt and what I was REALLY grieving. Thank you.

All thanks GREAT MUTABA that help me cast a love Spell that bring back my ex boyfriend to me, search on him on google he is a great love spell caster

My relationship was in a mess few months back, I kept on complaining and was panicking to know if my husband was cheating. Until my friend who is a cybersecurity expert at work referred me to this hacker cheatershacker1 AT gmail who is a friend of a friend . I got all the information i needed, I got total access to his phones, seeing all his phone activities. I am so glad I got a genuine hacker after toiling for months to get. You can also contact her if you need help

Nailed it! My post divorce breakup is 2 weeks fresh. In my attempt to find some kind of answer to this gut wrenching pain my google search lead me to your blog, in turn bringing much insight, along with uncontrollable rain drop sized tears and a few laughs. Much appreciated!

You can use cheatershacker1 AT gmail to get answers. He will get you answers that you need for every hacking purpose.

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