9 reasons dating is better as a single mom

Dating as a single mom is wonderful.

 


Through my circle of friends and single moms I meet through this blog, I often hear cries of horror about the thought of single mom dating. Especially if you have kids. What man in his right mind would date someone with so much baggage? single moms wonder. I can’t imagine getting out there again! My single-mom body is a wreck and I haven’t been on a date in 15 years!

These single mothers are missing out. Big time. I’ve spent the past three years dating as a single mom – including a year-long relationship—and let me tell you something: there is no better time than to date than as a single mom.

Here’s why:

Single moms already have their kids.

Now you can date for you. When I was dating in my twenties, I was looking for a husband with a healthy set of testicles with which to sire children. I have them now. Two awesome, healthy ones, in fact. I can check that off my life to-do list and look for a man for love or companionship or sex – or all three. The pressure is off as a single mom.

Single moms are kinder to themselves

…and that makes you a delight to be around. Divorce is a bummer. So many disappointments, self-blame, and broken hearts. To move on, you must forgive. Forgive yourself. Forgive your ex. Forgive the friends and in-laws who you felt deserted you. This kindness bleeds into your other relationships. Since becoming a single mother I have found that I am so much less judgmental of myself. I am also far less critical of other people, including men. And guess what? They seem to like me more for it! Imagine that.

Single mothers are a stronger, happier version of themselves

Being a single mom means that you have been through at least three life-altering experiences. 1) you became a parent, which will blow your mind, heart and life in incredible ways, and 2) you’ve found yourself single after a serious longterm relationship. 3) You’ve faced the reason-defying triumphs that are required of single motherhood. Whether the single part was by way of divorce, breakup, death or choice, it was a big deal, and that changed you. You survived that, and not only are you better for it – you’re sexier for it.

Single moms are sexier!

Confidence, a full heart, and life experience all equals being a richer, fuller person. People are attracted to these single-mom qualities in a real, meaningful way. Especially the people you want to attract, aka awesome men.

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Single mothers accept their bodies. 

You’ve carried and birthed and nursed a baby. You know what an amazing thing the female body is. Its imperfections? Who cares! Age and childbearing has allowed you to enjoy your body for all it has to offer. Including sex.

Sex as a single mom is better.

When you feel comfortable with your body, let go of past hang-ups, and are less critical of your partner – that’s when stuff gets good. Plus, there’s no pressure re: babymaking (see No. 1).

Single mothers have become the women they’re meant to be.

When I met my husband in my mid-twenties, I was still struggling to make my way professionally. My longest friendships were still forming, and I was still figuring out what was most important to me. Now, I have reached many milestones in my career, relationships, and inner life. I know who am, and what I want. Which makes dating about 1,000 times easier.

Single moms are not that annoying, needy girlfriend.

Women with kids have a whole lot of responsibilities. Our time is limited. How could we be clingy? When we do have time for boyfriends, we make the very most of it. Throw a fit because he didn’t text for 3 days? Please. I have lunches to make and doctor appointments to schedule.

Single mothers are less susceptible to wasting time on the wrong guy. 

Because you have less time. Busy single moms have fewer lonely nights to fill, fewer dinners eaten alone. There is less temptation to piddle away hours waiting on losers to commit just because you’re lonely (you will end up selling your engagement ring anyway with those guys). Time is precious, and efficient moms know that the best way to spend time with a man is truly enjoying a really, really great one.

 

dating after divorce



 

Related:

Dating as a single mom is the same as dating as a teenager

When single moms should come clean about dating

Dating coach: “Single moms are hot on the successful-men market”

61 thoughts on “9 reasons dating is better as a single mom

  1. What a supportive and motivating article for single moms. It is all too easy to be afraid of entering the dating world again, and your article is a very encouraging pick-me-up that highlights all the benefits of getting back in the game. I also really appreciated this quote, “To move on, you must forgive. Forgive yourself. Forgive your ex. Forgive the friends and in-laws who deserted you.” That is such great advice. Thank you for sharing!

    1. Wow! These have been my “excited happy divorce thoughts ” I’ve kept to my self as I am in midst of letigation . One shouldn’t be so at ease about the futureI am!Now the 30 year old desperate me-the girl who pitied my divorced diseased friends , She did not have the strong healthy mindset -that I have now. But I earned it! 4 years married to opiate addicted has-lf. Having control back is even more fulfilling. So ya I think I’m goood dude! I wont be that drunk annoying girl at the bar desperate for someone to provide for me! I can focus on qualities and having gone thru marriage. Now that the mystery of the magical marriage bliss-has been uunraveled-The Reality of Married Life Exposed. I won’t be so needy And hell if I’ll accept relationships with less than above average dude. Single moms achieve higher than excellent everyday to better their children. So only makes sense partner at that same level to keep up .

      1. This assumes that above-average dudes would want anything to do with you in the first place. Correction, above-average childfree dudes. Because, at the end of the day you have to ask yourself this: what do you, as a single mother, have to offer a single, childfree man that he couldn’t find in a single, childfree woman?

        You are all of the risk and none if the reward. Unless, of course, you’re talking about single fathers. Then by all means have at it. You’d be a perfect match for each other.

  2. The last part for me definitely rings true. I can spot red flags very quickly, I will call the other person out on those red flags and I’m so much more confident about what I truly want.

    The reverse has seemed to happen now that I have been a single mom for well over 5 years is that I’m up front and will spell it out early if there is no future. I also ask for that up front because it doesn’t make sense for anyone to waste anyone’s time.

    1. I think it is part of life, too — the more intense our experiences, the better we know yourselves (hopefully) and the better our instincts and intuition – which lead to better decisions.

  3. I married at 19. I’m fairly certain my dating social skills have fossilized at this point. Yes, I dread the thought of ever dating post divorce.

    1. Job – this is so interesting and I’ve been thinking of writing a post about how people get stuck thinking of themselves as the last time they were single – which in many cases was a long time ago. Stay tuned for a related post!

  4. I too enjoyed toihngt’s PBS adaptation. Mr. Knightley is very easy on the eyes. LOL– Can’t wait until next weeks episode. I will be ordering this version on DVD.Funny thing is Emma is the only JA book that is missing from my bookshelf. I too must order a copy.hugs-missy-

  5. Very true. This article is really motivating single moms. Most of the single moms afraid to attempt second dating due to having kids. But one of my friend spend few years on dating and finally married to a young guy. She has two children but that guy is willing to take care of them. Similarly one of my neighbor married to a widower after she had separated from her husband.
    Anyway it is completely depends on the women. There is no restrictions or limitations for dating single moms. The introduction of matchmaking programs improved the way of single parent dating. Companies like http://www.premierintroductions.ca are best for dating single moms.

  6. I agree with those and I certainly feel liberated this time around. However, dating has had its ups and downs. Most men I’ve dated since my divorce have been the kind that only wants fun in the now. I didn’t mind having fun, but the novelty wore off and it got tiresome. Younger men also tend to be too lazy or cheap to take you on real dates. The man I’m seeing now was my college crush from 23 years ago. The feelings were still there and came to the surface as soon as we met. He asked me why I stopped dating guys for a while and I said that I got tired of eating candy bars. I wanted the filet mignon dinner. It’s much more satisfying. And he is all that.

    1. Great story Sheila! Takeaway: Date on your own terms, as your mood and needs evolve. Some days all I want to do is eat Butterfingers. Others a salad hits the spot. Or, your steak dinner sounds pretty awesome right now. xx Congrats on the new love :)

  7. This is strange for me. I’m separated, 6 years, and just agreed to a divorce. I was never ever a dater and since 6 years not been intimate with anyone. Reading these dating tip seems a bit off for me because I never was one to begin with. I “dated” people I knew through sports, work, friends. Now I find myself single, jobless at 49 and the last thing I can think of is “dating”. I’m more worried about getting on my feet than dating. I’m a true believer in love and that it will always come when the time is right. I have confidence about my looks, my attitude and that sure one day when the time is right my soulmate will come along. At this moment it’s impossible for me to think of dating and honestly I feel like there’s so much emphasis on dating that it freaks me out. I suppose it’s on a lot of newly single women’s minds. This article is good but it’s nothing I don’t already think myself so in that, it’s a relief someone else thinks like me. But stop dreaming me out and make me feel like a bigger loser that I’m divorced, jobless and “single”. A man in my bed doesn’t make me whole but a soulmate in my life would be nice :).

    1. I’m going to write a whole post about the following:

      When you are first dating after divorce, DO NOT LOOK FOR YOUR SOULMATE. Go on dates. Just go out, practice being in the company of men, remember what it feels like to have a man flirt with you, pursue you, re-learn how to flirt and pursue men. If you expect every date is a potential life partner, you will only be devastated again and again.

      Get your training wheels on. Have fun. Keep it light and casual.

      Does that resonate?

  8. I’d love to hear from some older single mommies – wealthy or not (preferably not, so I can relate more easily) about dating after menopause – I sometimes wonder what the point is – men want sex- post menopausal women do too -sorta-after some time) but it’s really not the same – it requires a trust and a friendship first. How do those women who are dating, and not feeling sexual (but know they can with the right man) first find, and then attract a man? And my guess is that single moms of teens could be more “needy” than moms of young kids – for many reasons but not the least of which is: we don’t want to get old alone! Yet we don’t want to settle …. Personally I’m “off the market” till I figure this out – menopause sure throws a wrench into all of that awesome sexy dating stuff. (I know because I did that too- in fact it all ended as abruptly as the menopause came on! I now read your article and see we are on very different pages – and I do very much miss being on that sexy dating page!! I know it’s possible – I don’t see many folks like me talking about it (except for Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin!).

    1. These are great questions, Sandra … I think only you can find the ultimate answer for yourself, but I do hope some of your age peers chime in with their experience. However, I will say this: Why stay off the market to do your research? What about dating, casually, without sex (or with, should the mood strike), as you explore what you want, how that fits with men you’re meeting, and take it from there? Thoughts?

      1. I’m a single mom in my 30’s and love sex. But I’m not currently having sex with the men that I’m dating because of my faith beliefs. I’m not saying I’m a saint. I had a kid out of wedlock 7 years ago. Sex confuses everything anyways. I’ve committed to not having sex UNTIL I’m in a committed relationship. Dating is really fun right now even without sex! Otherwise, I’m happy being single and with my kid. What do you think?

        1. What do I think? As a single guy, I can tell you this: your 19th century puritanism is completely out of step with today’s reality. No man is going to enter a committed relationship without first determining sexual compatibility. Without a healthy sexual relationship, there is no relationship.

          You’re going to be alone for quite a while in your fantasy world if continue to think like that.

    2. I am a 49-year-old widowed single mom. My husband died July 4, 2004; so it has been 11 years. I had my first date on August 4, 2005. I found it was too soon. My mom got sick, I became a caretaker of both her and my young son (he was 4 when his dad died), and the years passed and so did my mother in 2006 and my mentally challenged sister (2010). At age 10, my son told me he wanted a stepfather, so I ventured into the dating scene again (and online dating at that). I found that it was just a lot of work getting to know new people and going to dinner. There aren’t a lot of options in my small rural town — just a lot of divorced men who seemed to blame all their issues on their former wives and their mothers. So, I have focused on just being happy with myself and giving my son the best life that I can as a single parent. My plan at this point is to wait until he graduates from high school and heads to college in August 2018 before dating again. I was happily married, and now I am happily single. I am hoping to one day again find another man with whom I am compatible to spend my middle 50s until forever loving.

      1. I really like your attitude — positive and patient. I am learning patience. Everything has its season and you seem to have a knack for leaning into each one of yours.

  9. I enjoyed this post! I felt guilty for the longest time that I was having a better time fating than I did when I was married! The awesome thing is – if you are tired of “eating candy bars” and the “novelty”, & prefer to just lay low for a while – go for it! Being single puts the power of choice back in your court. I know exactly what I want and do not want. I become tired of men who try to pressure me into having more kids!!! I have three!!! They say, “well you don’t look like it”…etc… I think – yeah! It was harder than hard to gain my body, confidence, and independence back… so back the hell away if you want that – er , uh, please find someone else’s uterus to occupy with your DNA. My babes are mine, and that is it! I welcome others’ kids with open arms, but my body IS DONE! Case in point ? I am excited to schedule my tubal next month! :D

    1. LOL “dating” rather than “fating” — although hey! That’d be cool if I did meet the exact guy by way of fate! :D

  10. For all the reasons listed above, it’s quite nice to date single moms. The confidence and lack of “bullshit” you bring doesn’t just benefit you. It creates a great space for two.

    And, I am sure that single parent or otherwise, we all have baggage. Don’t think you’re so special that only your baggage matters ;-)

    db

    1. Working on a post (in my mind): Why don’t we just expect every relationship to be a shit show? Thanks for chiming in and the supportive words !!

  11. i was quite scared to start dating after my divorce. My ex was abusive, my kids terrified of men and I had left my religion. Dating in the religion was easy, no sex before marriage so there were no expectations on dates etc. dating outside my religion scared me because I was so sheltered and naive from my upbringing.

    I have to say, loved it. It was so freeing compared to dating before. I know myself. I have confidence. I didn’t have time nor would I put up with dramas.

    I met my current partner when I least expected it. We were close friends first and the first male after my divirce my kids adored and weren’t scared of (abuse was so bad they couldn’t even go to the shops because if a male looked at them they got scared).

    He has done wonders for my daughters and I and funny thing is he was quite the single bachelor, travelling, partying etc before he moved in as a flat mate. Once he was in our house he realised this was what he wanted. No pressure though. I have my kids. I’ve been married and now what we have is relaxed and what we both want.

    Love your article.

  12. Oh, God. I’m going to die alone. This is as good as it will ever get. This involuntary celibate life sucks. Goddamn I hate humans.

  13. Emma, I commend you on taking your valley, (after divorce) and helping others through the ordeal! I am at the beginning stages of being a single mother of twins, not going to lie, I have moments of looking forward to dating again and moments of do I really want to. But I am enjoying my twins who are the blessings of my life and they are 2 years old, so time will provide all things necessary. Cheers to me for standing tall! Now where is the wine?

  14. This is all so true.

    The sex has NEVER been better and I’m not looking for a guy to take care of me financially or my kids or to make kids with me.

    As a result, I’m 43 and I am having sex with 21 year old guys (ok sometimes 18 years old) any weekend I want!

    I love my body and those young guys have the stamina to go for days. No blue pills needed. They get harder than dating scenes and are so eager to please.

    Nothing beats a young man with stamina just standing upright in the wind and awaiting your next command.

    They don’t nag you the next day or try to wife you and I certainly don’t nag them.

    My kids get a confident and loving mom all week and on the weekends a lot of young men get a ruthless lovemaking machine that can teach them what to do.

    It sure beats a 40 year old husband with a gut, wanting to watch a ballgame and needing to take a pill just to grace you with 3 minutes of sex on your birthday or anniversary.

    It’s been 3 years since my divorce and I’ve never felt more alive.

    I keep getting younger and these eager men are going to stay the same age.

    You go ladies!

    But get out of my way before I run you over. ;)

    1. No Kimberly, you don’t “keep getting younger”, you keep getting older. That you employ such nonsensical rationalization would suggest you are in deep denial and/or are terrified of the truth.

      As for the rest of your post, none of this surprises any single guy who has dated or had sex with single moms whatsoever -there is no shortage of single moms such as yourself who are possessed of such desperation (for a variety of reasons) that they are willing to debase themselves in ways scarcely imaginable; so desparate for self-validation that they are willing to tolerate just about any sexual deviancy you’d care to think of.

      Which is okay. There’s no problem with that. Just know at 43, your time for that is running out. Five years from now you’ll be on the doorstep of 50, and no 18 year-old is going to want to screw his mother-no matter how hot you *think* you are. Nor will a 25 year old, come to think of it. The only way you’ll be able to compete is to avail yourself to an ever-widening range of debauchery to offset your evaporating youth and figure. That will be the one card you have left to play.

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  16. 9 Reasons Why Single Guys Won’t Be Dating Single Moms

    1. You’ve got your kids. Few single men are interested in or up for the challenge of raising children that are not their own, with all of the attendant risks that go with it. But you already know that.

    2. You Care More About Yourself. Almost every blog post of this nature I’ve read, there is a near universal failure to ask a very important, self-reflective question: what can I offer a man who might be interested in me? If you can’t come up with the right answer, you are going to be alone for a very long time.

    3. You Are A Needier Version Of Yourself. When you were single and in your 20s, you had not a care in the world. You dated (and had sex with) whomever you chose. You had suitors, you called the shots. Now you’re older, divorced or out of your relationship and you’ve realized after a few years of this that you are lonely. You need to have someone in your life, and that is the kiss of death for a lot of single men. I’ll let you in on a secret: single men, they don’t want to be needed-they want to be desired. They don’t want to be the choice that you “settle” (Jesus, how I do loathe that word) for out of desperation or necessity to escape that ever-widening void in your life that screams louder with each passing day.

    4. You’re Not Sexier. Look, there is no easy way to say so I’ll just say it-childbirth forever mars a woman’s body, and with very few exceptions (and none that I have encountered personally). The more kids you’ve had, the more extensive the damage. Now a lot of single guys can get past that (I was able to), but what most single men will not accept is self-deception on your part. Imagine being a kid at Christmas and being told that gift you are about to unwrap contains the latest Xbox and instead finding out it’s a pair of socks. It’s kinda like that. Do yourself a favor-be honest about your physical condition. If it turns a guy off, so be it-ante up and try again, and you might get lucky. But what will guarantee to turn off all men sexually is them finding out you’ve lied about one of the most important aspects of who you are. A slight chance is better than no chance at all, but the reality is that given a choice, single men will choose a woman who hasn’t had kids for sex over one that has almost every time.

    5. You Accept Your Body-Most Guys Won’t. At least not long-term. Yeah I know, it’s a sh!t thing to be judged-get over it, it has happened to us all, me included. I’ve been rejected enough on physical grounds by women to have gotten used to it-and you had better get used to it to. Life is indeed cruel and unfair.

    6. Sex Might Be Better But It’s Not Enough. If you are still clinging to the idea that men can be enticed, entrapped by and subsequently manipulated and controlled with sex alone, you are living in the past. Men aren’t quite the simpletons in that regard you might think they are, and no amount of great sex is going to make up for a guy witnessing a screaming, meltdown argument between you and your teenaged kid because the kid’s pissed at seeing this interloper (meaning the single guy) sitting on the couch. Single guys can have hassle-free sex with single women, so why would they want to have it with you?

    7. You Will Always Be Who You Are Now. Which is a parent-that is one obligation that never, ever ends. And for an increasing number of single North American men, that is one burden they have no interest in taking on whatsoever. I just read an article the other day that stated that 32% of men 20-34 in the U.S. will NEVER get married. A sobering thought for you to ponder. With each passing year the odds are getting longer on you finding a partner again.

    8. You Are That Annoying, Needy Single Mom. And many single guys-the cold-blooded, manipulative mercenary types in particular-can smell it on you a mile away. They’ll use it to their advantage as well for whatever short-term satisfaction they can get, and then they’ll (perhaps not the best choice of words here) dispose of you. No guy, especially a single one, wants to feel stifled or repressed. No guy wants to feel his self-identity being crushed under the weight of circumstances he had no hand in creating.

    9. You Waste Guys’ Time With Your Games. Oddly enough, this last one was the one that rankled me the most, because it couldn’t be further from the truth. Just because single guys are single doesn’t mean that they aren’t looking to find someone to have a long-term relationship with. One of the main reasons that I’ve been with the woman (a single mom, I may add) I am right now for the past five years is that she was completely up front and honest about what she wanted, (“Wanting Safe Sex” was what her online profile was titled) and we took it from there. A big problem with single mothers is that are often not clear about what they want from the start, and they assume that if they are too upfront about things it might scare the prospective guy they are interested off. “No, my ex isn’t in the picture” when he is, or “I’m okay with something casual” when they aren’t. Yes, that’s a risk you take-be honest and maybe it will scare the guy off. Then you pick yourself up and try again. You’ll get no sympathy from me in that regard-I didn’t meet my partner until I was in my mid 40s. Be honest, suck it up if it fails and try again. You might get lucky-then again you might not.

    Have a nice day.

    1. Wondering why you care so much about single moms? In my experience, when men go on about the horrors of dating single moms, one has broken his heart recently.

  17. Good question. The one single mom I dated in the past 15 years is the one I have is the one have been with for the past five years, so that pretty much dispenses with that theory.

    To expand further, and related to a point I made on another thread, I’ll answer your question with another question: why does there seem to be a concerted effort on part of North American society to sell single, childfree men on the idea of entering into long-term relationships? Is it because there are so many if them? Is it an attempt to cajole or coax an increasing number of single men into marriage or long-term relationships? The original author of this is a prime example of this phenomenon-on another website she penned a piece that made it quite clear she was interested in single men with no children. As a single mother, why is that?

    I suppose that I see my interest from the perspective of providing some balance in this discussion. Usually reasonable male input is not welcome. If something that I have to say may give a woman some pause in how they approach this, then that’s a good thing.

    But hey, it’s your website. If you’d rather I say what I want to say elsewhere, not a problem.

  18. Great article! I can relate to it completely on both sides. Dating again is the best experience of my life! My personal growth is happening at an exponential rate! I am learning a new skill. ..the art of dating. …15 years later. …middle aged. …divorced. ..with kids. …to a man with the same set of skills. It’s crazy what an amazing opportunity we are being given for fun, growth, excitement, learning from past mistakes, exploring our sexuality and setting healthy boundaries. But the love and profoundly deep connection (that I didn’t know was possible again) is what makes “getting back out there again” completely worth doing! It does require confidence. Thank you for this confident boosting article!

      1. Emma am 23 years,male from kenya,name phellan and i would like to have date an old woman of any age but not above 60 for serious relationship,please help me get one..

  19. Who says that all single moms want to date single guys with no kids? Not this single mom. No, not all single moms are desperate for love and attention. The single men with no kids that pursue me are cordially dismissed as most of them are not serious anyway. I refuse to entertain such foolishness and would rather date a mature single guy with children.

  20. I’ve tried dating but have encountered too much negativity from men over my single parent status. My last date the guy was so rude I just got up and walked out. I know I’m the outlier here but I’m perfectly content to be alone. I’ll be an empty nester next year and in many ways I am looking forward to it.

  21. YES! I totally needed to read this…just starting to get back out there again (dating) post-divorce. Needed this encouragement.

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