Do these 9 things to feel confident and sexy when you feel old, fat and gross

 

Recently a mom on one of our boards posted:

 I feel  frustrated by a theme that keeps coming up: Love yourself first and foremost and then love will be drawn into your life. HOW EXACTLY does one, who has highly developed neuro pathways of “not good enough” transition to the “I love myself” place? I feel like I’ve tried everything, and it just doesn’t seem to stick. I still look in the mirror and see the cellulite and the “not good enough” features of my body. Worse, I’m still dealing with the deep childhood imprinting of not being wanted or unconditionally love. I’d like some actual technical advice on this matter! It’s getting old just hearing “love yourself” “have confidence,” etc. without any tangible how-tos that follow.

Such a common challenge, and I appreciate how frustrating it is when all you’re offered are vague platitudes about self-love. No one’s life has ever been turned around by an inspirational Facebook sticker!

Listen to my Like a Mother episode on this:

So, if you’re struggling with feeling hot and sexy, here are 9 things you will do to feel confident:

 

    1. Give yourself a compliment on your appearance. Every. Single. Day. Every morning when you’re getting ready, note one thing that is awesome about your appearance: Your pretty teeth. Long eyelashes. Shiny hair. Round booty. Lovely toes. Great style. Perfectly arched eyebrows.
    2. Give yourself a compliment on YOURSELF every single day. That you’re a fun mom. You killed the presentation. A good listener. A friendly neighbor. A thoughtful friend. A funny lunch companion. Make a mean roast chicken. Have an eye for color in home decor.
    3. Read my Feel too fat to find great sex? Shut up and read these 3 things …
    4. Dress up and look your best every single day. This should not take you less than 20 minutes, but will include pretty hair, makeup and clothes you feel great in. If it takes more than 20 minutes, get a new hair style and check out some videos on quick makeup.
    5. Fake it till you make it. Literally pretend that you feel sexy and confident until you actually do. Make eye contact with an attractive man, even if inside you are absolutely going to die a thousands painful deaths. Strut into a meeting in which you are intimidated with your shoulders back and head held high. Call a meeting with someone who scares the crap out of you. Ask for the promotion as if you know you’ll get it. Reach out to a guy on Match, ignoring any nasty murmurs in your mind that suggest he is out of your league, or will reject you.  Just go about your life as if you are the confident, sexy woman you want to be.
    6. Note someone in your life who walks about as if they are confident and sexy all the time. Fact: They are faking it at least some of the time, too.
    7. When I was in college and finding my own sexuality, I read a book in the cafe/bookstore where I worked about ‘How to Make Man Crazy In Bed” or somesuch. In the forward, the author recounted how when her circle of girlfriends went out, one woman always got all the attention from men when. The other women couldn’t figure it out — after all, their friend was heavy and not particularly pretty. So they asked her secret. “I know I’m not a natural beauty,” the woman said. “But before I walk into a bar or club, I tell myself: ‘You are the hottest woman in there.’ I believe it, and men then do, too.”
    8. Have sex with yourself all the time. At least twice per week, masturbate. Maybe you invest in a toy or two, check out some porn or erotica. Learn what turns you on. Get your sexy hormones flowing through your veins, and sexy thoughts flowing through your mind.
    9. Think to times you adored another person’s body, in all its human splendor, because you adored him. His flubby tummy. Bald head. Love handles. Limp dick. Pock-marked skin. You and your human body are just as lovable, too.

What do you do to feel sexy and confident? Share in the comments!! 

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16 thoughts on “Do these 9 things to feel confident and sexy when you feel old, fat and gross

  1. Emma,
    All great points! I’d like to add few things that I tell my clients:
    1. There’s no such thing as perfect. Perfect is subjective and an ever-moving target that only serves to demoralize. Focus instead on your life goals and how your visual message says who you are and where you’re going. Your “story” is what attracts what/who you want in your life.
    2. Studies show that women respond more deeply and enduringly to negative feedback than men. Once we are conscious of this, we can learn to let go of it. It’s one of those times where “think like a man” comes in handy.
    3. Strong is the new sexy! Eat healthier foods, take supplements, and exercise to strengthen your body. Meditate or pray to strengthen your spirit. Read books or take classes to strengthen your mind. By attending to all three areas of our being, perceived flaws diminish and true beauty shines through.

    1. Yes to all, especially exercise! Get the blood pumping, get those endorphins flowing. Working out is good for the mind, as well as the body. Find something you enjoy, whether it be lifting, Zumba, or even pole-dancing. You can make it as fun as you want. Enjoy the “me” time it gives you to just focus on you, and start toning your body in the process.

  2. I don’t think this works if you want to CHANGE your physical appearance. If your happy with yourself, you won’t change. This article is for people who are not interested in changing their weight or health. If we really want change, we must admit the bad stuff. Self-nagging DOES work. There is something to be said about admitting somethings wrong to spark a new you. It’s a downward spiral to lie to yourself that you’re fat when you are especially when it slowly escalates to dangerous levels. The ones who lie to themselves one day look in the mirror and say: “My God! How did I get this big!” And no one who really cares about themselves, wants that.

    1. I disagree. Sometimes you are struggling. Already fighting inner demons as well as outer one’s. But sometimes you spend so much time fighting the demons and taking care bof every one else and their.needs. add in an accident or illness and bsm.

  3. Excellent question posed by your reader and fantastic list to get her started.

    As a recovering self-loathing addict I can certainly speak to her questions as well. Emma, you’re right! You’ve got to speak to yourself, think to yourself, feel about yourself good things every single day. It doesn’t happen overnight either. It’s taken me years of practice and some days I still struggle. Clearly, no savant here.

    I agree with your other readers that exercise and self care can be crucial to FEELING the way you want to feel. Yes, I said FEELING, not thinking, which is where the problem starts and ends. @daniellelaporte is a great source for teaching you to start with “How do you want to feel?” and then figuring out the steps that will help you achieve that. Any doing first starts with feeling and a particular intention. Do you want to lose 15lbs or feel better in your clothes?!

    Ultimately, I agree with @GrittyBittySheWolf too. The true source of self love is deep within us. The outside doesn’t ultimately affect that. This internal self love is also cultivated through daily practice. It’s like a garden—you can’t water and seed it once a month or it will wither up and die. Sound familiar? The daily practice soon become habitual and as familiar and easy as brushing your teeth. The results are profound! There’s a wonderful book by Tal Ben Shahar called, “Happier” and it completely changed my perspective on my quest for self love.

    One other quick note: one thing I do to stop that inner mean girl loop running inside your head…talk to myself as I would speak to my children. I have two daughters and I am constantly filling them up with compliments, inspiration and love for themselves and their gifts. Do I point out their cellulite and acne and mis-shapen nose? NO! I encourage them to see all that’s beautiful about them inside and out.

    To self love! It is attainable.
    xo

  4. I love numbers 5 & 7. For me I have found it really does all start in the head, the thoughts/beliefs must come before the feelings. It is probably different for each person but for me the feelings come after I have re-routed my thoughts and acted on their lead, even if it’s blind trust. It blows my mind how people respond to this.. Powerful stuff.

  5. Exercise. Get into the gym and lift the heaviest weights you can. Muscle burns more calories at a resting weight than fat does. As we age, we need to work harder to be beautiful and have a good body. I am 56 and 5’6″ and lift heavier weights than most women at my gym. I have a bikini photo posted in online dating… in one week, two thirty-somethings asked me to marry them in their first message! (yeah, I know, I know, but I get compliments like this all the time, and it makes me feel great!) Now, if I ate fast food and didn’t stop by the gym on my way home, I would not be getting these compliments and would not feel as good about myself.

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