Dating as a single mom is the same as dating as a teenager

Sunday morning I had brunch with my brother Josh and sister-in-law Susan. They’re in their early 30s, don’t have kids, stay out late, and sleep in on weekends. In other words: They’re normal. Susan grilled me about my date from the night before while my little brother pretended he’d lost his hearing.

“We went for Ethiopian food in the Village and then he drove me home,” I said.

“Why didn’t you invite him up?” Susan asked.

“Are you crazy? The kids and the babysitter were there.”

“So what, he got to second base in the car and then you were home by midnight?”

“Basically, yes!”

“Oh my God. That is so funny. And that’s so early!”

I felt a little defensive about my single mommy lifestyle. Because, really, what can you do? But then I realized that dating as a single parent is kind of horrible and awesome in the same way that being a teenager is horrible and awesome. In fact, while necking in his four-door sedan (car seats in back) my single-dad love interest and I were laughing about all the ways that dating as a parent is the same as dating in high school: It can be tricky to find alone time, everyone’s finances are limited, and you often have to answer to the scrutiny of parental figures. After all, had I ushered my date upstairs Saturday, I’d have had to face Karen, our beloved long-time babysitter who serves as a surrogate grandmother to my kids and me. What would she think?

My friend Sarah is a professional single mom whose ex lives out of state — drastically limiting her child-free hours, and forcing her to turn to babysitting from her mother in order to get laid. Tapping her inner teenager, Sarah always lies to her mom about her whereabouts when she goes out with men, lest she get “the third degree about whether he’d make a good father.”

“I don’t want to lie, but I also don’t want to deal with the judgement,” Sarah told me. And so she obeys her mom’s rules–or else she pays the price. “I told one guy I went out with that we’d be skipping dinner and going straight to sex because I had to be home by 11:30,” she said. In my case, I was acutely aware that every minute spent making out in that car also came at a price — the cold, hard hourly rate paid to Karen.

The upside of all this finagling and sneaking and financing is that it collectively mounts the lusty, torturous tension lacking in readily-available sex. Like, for example, in marriage. In other words, sex as a single mom can be unbelievably hot. Which was probably not the case when we were in high school.

But Sarah and I agreed that sex isn’t the only part of dating that makes us feel like we’re in 10th grade again. I nearly didn’t publish this post. I mean, what if my date reads it and feels betrayed or embarrassed and doesn’t call me again? I mean, OMG, I would totally DIE, cuz I like totally like him! But like, would it be my fault? I mean, he knows I blog about my life or whatever, so, like, whatever!?

10 Reasons to Date a Single Parent -Reason #2 (kellerdating.com)
7 Things I don’t give a $#!T about since becoming a single mom (wealthysinglemommy.com)
Connie Britton: Why I Adopted as a Single Mom (celebritybabies.people.com)
The benefits of dating single dads (wealthysinglemommy.com)
5 Ways I’ll Date Smarter In 2013 As A Single Mom (howaboutwe.com)
Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper: Newly Single Nominees Share a Similar Love (celebs.gather.com)
Single Mom Seeking Design Contest (cardstore.com)
Quentin Tarantino told NPR that his mom dated Wilt Chamberlain (offthebench.nbcsports.com)
The Carrie Diaries: Finding A Voice Might Be Fun (gooddaysacramento.cbslocal.com)
Happy birthday to my SMILF BFF (and why every single mom should play pool) (wealthysinglemommy.com)

Categories: Dating, Essays, Money, Parenting

Really?
Reply
03-08-2013
A fascinating read, but… Does the premise really hold up on examination? Only if your audience consists mostly of starving artists (which is quite plausible).

If you and your friends are truly modern “professional” women in your 30s or 40s, then you’d have no worries about building an “extra” $100 or so (which I assume still buys 4 hours of babysitting nowadays – ample time for an un-hurried traditional conclusion to a successful date, even allowing for travel time between his place and yours) into your nightly date budget.

As in many other areas of life, having a little money makes a big difference in the quality of one’s experience. I didn’t read your other post about “you’re stupid if you do your own laundry”, but I surmise that one conveyed a similar message as what I just gave; rather the opposite of the current post, with its reference to Sarah saving a few bucks by depending on her mom to baby-sit (and structuring her own love-life with that constraint in mind).

I don’t mean to be critical… after all, this was an entertaining and well-written post. And I do get the idea (and the irony) that sex is hotter when you must “work” for it. Still, thinking back to my own mind-set when I was single, I would have been much more understanding if a date had explained time constraints or de facto curfews by citing the needs of her CHILD (“he sometimes wakes up at night and cries if mommy isn’t there”) … rather than the sensibilities of some (paid) “surrogate grandmother.”
Emma
Reply
03-08-2013
Sure, I could come up with the cash required for more babysitting hours to get some booty, but it’s not that simple. If you don’t live in the same neighborhood as your lover (which is always my case), then we’re talking long commutes and finding a child-free home. If both sets of kids are home babysitters, you’re stuck going to a hotel – it all gets complicated far beyond basic personal finances.

But we always make it work.
Sparkle Ra'on
Reply
03-31-2013
I love this! It’s so true though. You definitely have a knack with words Emma!
- Emma
  Reply
  03-31-2013
  ha, thanks Sparkle!
joan mooney
Reply
04-28-2013
Isn’t your child old enough to allow you sleep in on a
weekend? Remember I went through the very same
situation as you but without any family to back me up.