Itching to get out of the 9-5 workforce and spend more time with your kids? Or, perhaps you’re thinking of getting pregnant and want to know how to stay home full-time with your kids.
I share why you cannot risk quitting your career, but you can still maximize time with your family and other personal priorities.
What does that mean for you? If you’re looking for a new job or starting a business you can do from home, now is a prime time to find one — or to ask your current employer if you can do some or all of your work from home.
In this post, I’ll show you:
- “I want to be a stay-at-home mom but we can’t afford it”
- How you can afford to be a stay-at-home mom
- Ways to make money for stay-at-home moms
“I want to be a stay-at-home mom but we can’t afford it”
The argument is over: You absolutely, positively cannot afford to be a full-time stay-at-home mom.
No need to delve into arguments about personal choice or what is good for children or families. That’s all been hashed out in the mommy wars. It’s not about those issues. This is about money.
You. Cannot. Afford. To. Be. A. Fulltime. Stay-at-home-mom. You just can’t.
What’s that you say? Your husband is a banker? And your family is rich? Your spouse adores you? Doesn’t matter. It makes no financial sense for any of those 5.1 million women in the United States who are stay-at-home moms.1 That is about one-in-five married-couple families who have decided to put their family’s futures in jeopardy.
Don’t just take it from me. I recently interviewed Joanne Cleaver, a career consultant and author of The Career Lattice.
“Stepping off the career track completely is career suicide,” Cleaver told me. “Don’t do it.”
Her reason? You will no doubt lose the momentum you’ve built, the network you accumulated, the credibility you’ve earned. But these longtime truths are accelerated in today’s tech-driven world – no matter what industry you’re in.
“If you completely leave the workforce, when you return you’ll have to completely reinvent yourself with new skills, new credentials and a new portfolio,” Cleaver said. “You might as well start in a new career.”
These challenges translate into a tougher time getting a new gig when you want one. And once you do, you’ll earn less than if you had kept a foot in the workforce while caring for your kids.
Researchers at the University of California Los Angeles and Oxford University found that when professional women leave the workforce for three or more years, they suffer a compensation hit of 41%.2 Other research finds that stay-at-home moms are more depressed, anxious and socially isolated.3
The good news, however, is that despite the cultural and social pressure to commit endless hours to our children, kids actually don't benefit from all those hours of helicopter parenting — and instead do best with working mothers.
However, if you plan ahead and keep a hand in the game, things might turn out differently. Of course, things don’t always happen as planned.
What happens if your husband leaves or asks for a divorce? You’ll have no income. In this post, I talk about what happens if you want to get divorced as a stay-at-home mom.
How can I afford to be a stay at home mom?
1. Budget — track spending (and cut expenses)
The first step, says Doug Carey, is to create a budget. Carey is a Chartered Financial Analyst and president and owner of WealthTrace, a consumer retirement and financial planning software company in Zionsville, In.
Carey offers the following tips:
- Use a budgeting app to track your spending. It’ll help you gauge the impact of a salary loss. It will also give you concrete data on how much money you need versus how much you want.
- Figure out how much you'll save by staying at home. Expenses like gas money, babysitting, and clothing are likely to decrease. However, there could be new expenses such as health insurance.
- Cut back on luxury items and dining out.
- Think about downsizing your home or moving to an area with a lower cost of living.
- Think about starting a home garden to save money on groceries. Even if you live in an apartment, you can have a container garden on your balcony.
“In addition to having a budget, it could be a very good idea to hire a financial coaching or planning service to keep you on track,” Carey advises. “By seeing how your finances look in the future, it will help you get your arms around the situation better.”
In short, create a tight budget, crunch the numbers, and be realistic about what you can afford. If the numbers don’t support your decision to be a stay-at-home mom, make a plan to get there by exploring new opportunities to earn extra income.
After all, spending quality time with your children is worth the fight to make this happen.
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2. Start a flexible career you can work at home
Ask yourself: How can you keep a foot – toe, knuckle, nail – in your industry while still giving your children the time you feel they deserve? Brainstorm, ask colleagues and mentors for advice, and get creative to make sure you remain relevant. You can’t afford not to.
Start here:
20 of the best jobs for stay-at-home moms for 2023
29 jobs for single moms: Best high-paying jobs in 2023
Do not aim just to pay the bills and get by, but focus on a longer-term career, advancement and the education and skills you need to get there.
There are countless ways moms can earn a high income, from home, with legitimate, flexible careers — many of which earn $100,000 or more.
Our Top 2, highly paid work at-home careers, without degrees are:
Proofreader. If you’re great with words, detail and grammar, you may also be interested in a proofreading career, which can pay $15-$30 hour from home, on your schedule.
Bookkeepers. Bookkeepers can earn a salary, or build a business earning $75+/ hour, which can be more than $100,000 per year. Entry-level bookkeeper jobs can pay $20/hour.
Bookkeeper Launch is the top-rated online video course to help you start and run a successful, 6-figure bookkeeping business.
3. Ask for a raise – and then bank it
The fastest, surest way to make more money is to ask for a raise and/or promotion. But make sure you have a plan for that extra money ahead of time. More money often leads to more spending if you’re not committed to a strict budget.
One easy way to save is to open a savings account and set up an automatic withdrawal from your checking to your savings. Once you calculate your after-tax raise, send that amount directly to a savings account and don’t touch it. You can also invest it and build wealth.
You might be surprised how fast it adds up. You can use the money for an emergency fund if you don’t already have one.
Here is expert advice (with videos!) about asking for that raise.
4. Find ways to save money
Living within your budget — even a reduced budget — will help you feel less stressed and more focused on making wise investments in your career and time:
Shop around for insurance rates
Compare rates among different companies for auto insurance, homeowner’s insurance, and other insurance products you buy.
Refinance your car
If you have a decent credit score, you may be able to refinance your car for a lower payment, and skip payments for 90 days.
Can't afford your car payment? See if you qualify to refinance for a lower payment.
Auto Credit Express is A+ rated with the Better Business Bureau:
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- Vehicle Criteria: Under 10 Years/150K Miles
Get a refi quote from Auto Credit Express in 30 seconds >>
Transfer your debt to 0% credit card
Be sure to keep an eye on your credit score. If you carry a credit card balance, see if you qualify for a 0% balance transfer credit card, and save thousands of dollars in interest each year — or at leaset transfer to a lower-interest loan and pay off your debt.
Meal plan
One easy way to overspend is to avoid meal planning — and rely on take-out, restaurants and prepared meals at the grocery store. These are less healthy, and more expensive than cooking from scratch. Get some ideas for meal kits, meal planning and other ways to save on food for your family.
How to make money as a stay-at-home mom
No matter how much income you bring in every month, most moms feel they could use a little more cash. Or, a LOT more cash. Most of us could use more spending money, you have investing goals or college tuition to save for.
One of the best things about being alive today, is there are more ways to make money than ever these days. The internet is a treasure trove when it comes to making money.
Here are ways stay at home moms make money:
Sell things you don't need
Instead of going straight to MLM programs, sell items you already have (think old clothes, electronics, household items) online through craigslist.com, eBay.com, or Facebook Marketplace.
Online resale and consignment sites like Mercari and Poshmark and ebay make it easy to turn this concept into a business.
Check out 10 business ideas for moms.
Sell services
You can also earn money selling your talents and abilities in the form of a service. You could mow lawns, clean houses, help people with bookkeeping, or teach piano lessons, for example.
Freelance and online businesses
Selling your skills is one of the most sustainable ways to make money online, and can grow into a full-time career, or even a scalable business. This is how Wealthysinglemommy.com founder Emma Johnson started — by freelance writing, and then by starting a blog.
One of the best ways to start growing an online service-based business is with freelancing gigs.
The benefits of freelancing, opposed to having a j-o-b, is that rather than following someone else’s rules as an employee, you have control over your schedule and the work you do.
Popular freelance gigs and careers include freelance copywriting, grant writing, and virtual bookkeeping.
Most types of freelancing don’t require any formal education. You don’t need an English degree to be a successful freelance writer. And if you can answer emails, manage social media, or do other administrative tasks, the role of virtual assistant could be perfect for you.
There are also excellent online courses that can help you learn the basic skills to launch your new career, plus support for finding clients. Bookkeeper Business Launch is a popular first step for many successful freelance, work-at-home bookkeepers who can earn multiple six-figures.
Coding, or programming, is a high-demand, highly paid industry that is especially short of female workers. This work can be done remotely, online.
Don’t panic if you can’t write code. There are many online resources for how to get started, as well as online communities of other coders from whom you can learn.
Earn money quickly
If your goal is making money in a hurry, you need to find ways that don’t require long waiting periods or a bunch of hoops to jump through. Here are some of the best ways to earn money in a hurry:
If you need to earn more money than you’re making now, you may face an even bigger challenge than many working moms: How can you possibly increase your earnings when you have so little free time already?
Start a side hustle today to make more money
Finally, don’t forget the prospect of starting a side hustle — or a temporary job you can take on in addition to your full-time work. Side hustles look different for everyone, but they can include concepts like driving for Uber or Lyft, babysitting kids, painting houses, mowing lawns, and more.
Online side hustles include some of the ideas we’ve mentioned already — jobs like tutoring or finding online freelance bookkeeping work.
Some side hustles you can do from home also overlap; for example, you can work as a virtual assistant or freelance writer online and from your couch, just like you can write freelance articles anywhere with an internet connection.
Maybe you need a little extra cash (or a lot – hello, savings account!), maybe you’re bored with your current career, or you want to safeguard yourself against a recession or an industry crash by having a fall-back plan. Or maybe you’re interested in pursuing your passion project, but you’re not quite ready to make the leap into full-time business ownership. Whatever your reason is, you NEED a side hustle.
The good news is there are many jobs you can do from home. Many of them can be done with just a laptop and an internet connection. If you need job training, you can find free and affordable courses online through sites like Udemy and Coursera.
Bottom line: Being a stay-at-home mom will require you to work
The fact that the majority of moms today will be an unpartnered mother, and divorce rates still stand at around 50%, only underscores why all women must prioritize their careers, earnings and future investments.
Many stay-at-home moms take on a part-time job or side gig to keep cash flowing and to keep a foot in the professional world.
If you have no income (or not enough income), apply for recession-proof jobs to establish financial stability initially. Long-term, it’s important to keep your eyes open for jobs that align with your interests so you can build a fulfilling career on your own terms.
If you already have a full-time job, be open to working outside of your home until you can establish financial stability, but give thought to lucrative side hustles that could turn into a full-time business — giving you the necessary cash flow to stay at home.
SOURCES
- “Stay-at-home moms and dads account for about one-in-five U.S. parents,” by Gretch Livingston, Pew Resarch Center, Sept. 24, 2018 https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2018/09/24/stay-at-home-moms-and-dads-account-for-about-one-in-five-u-s-parents
- Kahn, J.R., García-Manglano, J. and Bianchi, S.M. (2014), The Motherhood Penalty at Midlife: Long-Term Effects of Children on Women's Careers. Fam Relat, 76: 56-72. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12086
- “Stay-at-Home Moms Report More Depression, Sadness, Anger,” by Elizabeth Mendes, Lydia Saad and Kyley McGeeney, Gallup May 18, 2012 https://news.gallup.com/poll/154685/stay-home-moms-report-depression-sadness-anger.aspx
One of the best things about being alive today, is there are more ways to make money than ever these days. The internet is a treasure trove when it comes to finding side hustles or new ways to sell your product or service, and there are money-making apps you can use as well.
The first step, says Doug Carey, a Chartered Financial Analyst, is to create a budget.
Start by taking a detailed look at your finances, and identify your short-term and long-term financial goals.
While some stay-at-home moms can survive off of their spouse’s earnings, it’s important for stay-at-home moms to retain some financial independence in the event of: death, divorce, or spousal job loss. That's why many stay-at-home moms take on a part-time job or side gig to keep cash flowing and to keep a foot in the professional world.
Perhaps the only way to bring about change that supports the family concept, is that stay at home Dad’s (with no life training, as they probably didn’t have a Dad/husband in their home, consistantly) will see the view from the other side? If just women protest nothing happens. Now, if we could only have the MEN capable of going the WHOLE nine yards of being the ones to be pregnant, and all THAT entails, we might see a shift? That is like asking a chimp to be a swan. Don’t see it happening.
I get very disturbed when visiting sites like Shrinkmen. The hate for women, (not understanding of their differences) is running rampant. Virtually all benefits for women have been ignored, removed or shirked (men just stop being men) in any sense other than as a gender title.
This makes this old woman very sad indeed. It is how they protest what equalizers generations of lobbying finally obtained for women and their PRIMARY roles in society. I am all for CHOICE, but the hate and terms like Golden Uterus, have only recently been so “accepted” by all that to see someone actually go public with such bad mouthing, and talk of putting “spendthrift” (really the MAIN family consumer, ie women who buy for EVERYONE) women are to blame for men’s total irresponsible behavior towards women and children and just how important those ROLES are, Virtually ANY woman can and are now called such women hating terms as “gold diggers, golden womb num nuts etc.
This is CLEARLY not a step forward in, what I am sure, were the expectations of women who fought for equality for the differences in the sexes. Equal pay for equal work, adequate and regulated child care, or more workplace childcare. Non discriminating against women and their natural differences as the carriers of the future. Benefits that insured women and children were cared for by society laws in marriages that did break up. Rampant divorices, as “no one” is ever at fault. Children being told to “love” Daddy’s that replaced them too, with “newer” or more accomadating models. This is NOT progress, when several people in a family ALL have different last names. What have we allowed to happen?
I see far far too many of these men, totally hating and misunderstanding what women are “about” still. I NEVER saw this hate early in my experiences as a woman. I never saw such lazy, irresponsible and accepted behavior in men, either.
This is how we gain “equality”? Now we have women, also BASHING the female experience, and many who are finding out, (as you only would if in the trenches) how they have been sold a bill of goods by todays “standard” expectations and work load handed to women, and frankly how generations of men, have gotten meaner and lazier in protest, and how THEY and their likes, with the support of many women too young to know (who think they are gonna be the exceptions to this hate) who think a JOB is going to offer them protection from the persecution toward our sex and it reproducing capabilities.
I see tale after tale of men who “dumped” women of a certain age or the minute they do reproduce and how they KNOW THEY CAN STILL THREATEN, the economic viability of the “dumped” and still go forth and multiply, just to repeat that with ANOTHER woman who “better mind him” and how ALL women are put in a “no win” and are so busy bickering at each other, work vs don’t work, that NO one is really paying attention to the harmful effects such “think” has on ALL women and children.
If I didn’t know better I would think we have regressed to the 1800’s were women and children are property, not to be cherished, and supported, well, at least until something less “problematic” comes along.
I do not wish to offend but frankly am very saddened, that with women (and children) far out numbering men, we haven’t accomplished much but go backwards. Once again, women have been “put on notice” and frankly none of them seem too happy with the forced lifestyles, these attitudes are bringing about.
Please, we need to wake up here, ladies. Anyone can become a mom, and be threatened, anyone can work for peanuts and no benefits to accomadate children, and anyone can be labled negatively. I see generations of young women totally FEARFUL to even THINK about reproducing, getting married, and otherwise in a “no win” of “no choice” and hurt so badly are the children. Our society needs a WAKE up call, just how damaging this “woman” hate is to all women and children. We KNOW it is there, and yet we in fight with each other, and dance around the reasons WHY it is there.
Wow, some real food for thought here. Unfortunately, women and CHILDREN both get the shaft in our society. Women that buy into the you can work too, are the women whose children I cover for when, 1. they are locked out and mom didn’t think to hide a key or give one to the trusted neighbor 2. they are locked out AND hungry and no one will be home for hours so I have ANOTHER kid, not mine, to care for and mom is furious with the KID, not taking any responsibility herself and I have to witness this poor kid take the blame for what the ADULT should have been responsible for 3. Their kids ie the parents, are NEVER taking their turn on the list of carpooling to school, school activities, parties, or are frequently sending their kids without what they need for the day. 4. my family members who are teachers, cannot “conference” with these parents (at work not taking calls) or get them to pick up their SICK kids, which lead to number 5. These “working moms” who can’t miss work or lose their jobs are sending sick kids to school or leaving the home alone all day. (and they get bored and push their way into MY home, under the guise of playing with MY kids and are SICK and hungry and feeling like NO one cares, and frankly can easily eat me out of house and home in the process 6. these working mom’s cause the cost of everything to got sky high and now THREE people working isn’t adequate for anyone to live on 7. they often “flirt” with our husbands and frequently start affairs at the workplace…and we, SAHM’s, look kinda shabby, while trying to live within the means of one income, so we can RESPONSIBLY raise our children. 8. Every day you read about how competent day care worker “oops” forget a poor kid and his brains are fried on the day care bus in 100 degree plus heat. Most day cares and day care workers have NO training or uniform certification. 9. your working woman “voice” has guarenteed generations of women before you who CHOOSE to stay at home and thereby making an investment in HOME, and husbands career will get legally screwed out of their alimony (which is division of shared earnings) and I expect child support payments to soon follow. 10, and most importantly, contributed to an entire nation of “lazy men” who expect to be taken care of like teenagers (who take NO responsibility to shop, clean, maintain or take care of business but play video games all day) by these working women.
That being said, the best option seems to be NOT getting married, not having children, and never giving up your job for anyone for any reason..
It is the only way no one “gets hurt” or overworked.
What women should be doing for each other is not “mommy wars” but defending the procreating aspects of our sex, and fighting for compensation for those that see the rationale of if your are going to procreate you should be present and accounted for in your own childs/childrens lives. Not convincing women they are men. Women don’t have wives, to pick up the slack. So we should be fighting not only for CHOICE, but support for our choices and some “benefits” for doing this all important SUPPORT job, and recognizing that sometimes working actually COSTS us and society more than we make. .
I know many working women that did NOT benefit in divorice because they worked, but rather they LOST pensions, homes and children too. Working is no guarentee of smooth sailing. Just ask the men. Planning well for a better outcome for all women, just might. We have widened the gap of the sexes not shrunk it. I know many a “working woman” and that didn’t stop their hubby from leaving and giving them and their kids the shaft. The inequities will ALWAYS exist, including the fact that men don’t give BIRTH, and are NOT and you can’t make them, the responsibile primary caretakers of those children.
. As long as that fact exists there will always be “penalities’ to women. We need to to embrace and accomadate this difference, and make our children (the future) important not expendable to the “money wars”. So much needs to be done but women, rather than seeking equality (which would require men to get pregnant to KNOW the experience and how “nature” truly does “handicap” our earning potential ) and get back some of the equalizing benefits, whether divoriced or not. Whether chosing to work or not.
Many workplaces STILL see hiring a women as a liability, not an asset. It is nature more that experience that handicaps our potential. Now we have successfully removed the equalizers to that, and have only proven we are willing to have NO equal pay or compensation for our sex and its differences. Sold a bill of goods, hon. And MEN love it, and now feel empowered to just sit back and take advantage? This is NOT progress.
Yes, you may fare ok, but will your kids in a society where they don’t REALLY matter as much as a dollar? How do they FEEL, knowing these men don’t want to support them, or see them and have left mom (very stressed mom I will add) to do it all. This is good for society HOW? And worse, what example is this for these boy children to see. Maybe that is why men are so lazy and non protective….they don’t KNOW DADS roles anymore, and no one is teaching them. Ya think?
Money, should not be what widens the divide of the sexes, but the differences accounted for. All working women have done is REMOVE what benefits women did get, for their “nurturing roles”, which every woman may encounter, should she reproduce. We are getting closer, but so far off the mark. The only way to dissolve a man’s world, and male privledge is to equal woman’s privledge as women, not psudo men. Working for equal pay is still a long way away. We need to address those inequities, and restore the intact family by abolishing no fault divorice. What is good for families is good for society.
You make incredibly good points. You definitely validate the need for SAHM moms. Society has taken a real hit due to moms leaving the homes and having children basically raise themselves when mom’s away at work.
Parents definitely need to find flexible work schedules that allow for much needed parental involvement. My advice is to find those flexible employment options and work your butt of to gain the skills, education and experience to get there.
It’s not an excuse to neglect your kids needs’ just because you have to work. There are many employment opportunities that parents should endeavor to get qualified for.
Please advise… I presently HATE my job… and technically, we don’t need the income to support our current lifestyle. I am happily married with one 4 y.o son. I would like nothing more than to tell my employer FU and stay at home and have another baby. But somehow, the rational part of my says that is foolish and unwise. I am looking for a job with a more flexible schedule, but all that interview me seem to think I’m overqualified or pay sh*t. What to do? I am salaried plus bonus, but our bonuses are paid out 4+ months after the quarter ends, if at all… and there are a myriad of other things at work. It is a really unhealthy environment, ESPECIALLY for a mother, trying to look out for the best interests of her son, and her family. And I grew up in a poor/financially-disadvantaged family. I never want that for my son. So which is worse? Sacrificing time/sanity, or income/resume cred? I am literally a week away from telling everyone where they can go.. not in a good way. I need some sane advice. Family, or career? I’d like to attain another position (again, work/life balance), but there doesn’t seem to be a lot of opportunities in my field.
After our son was born, I took about 12 months off to stay at home, then took a part-time job as a fitness instructor, where I set my own hours, took our son to work… quite happy and satisfied. However, I’m not sure that is financially responsible or relevant, given the economy and our two mortgages now (we bought pre-crash in another state, moved, and have managed to meet payments, keep on keepin’ on despite the loss). Our current mortgage is considerably less than the cost of rent, so yes, the second purchase was not made on a whim. I would just love my “old life” back… is this realistic? I have plenty of other skills (BS Marketing, significant events planning experience, administrative/clerical/AP), but…?
Jacqueline – I agree – kids can and should pay for at least part if not all of their college educations. And clearly many families — whether by choice or circumstance – live on one income. Zero arguments there.
But, uh, did you read my post? My point is that while this scenario is fine for the moment, it gives zero consideration for the very real likelihood that a second income will be needed — whether the 50% chance you will divorce, or your husband becomes disabled, unemployed, or dies. It is a giant financial risk to abandon your career — not necessarily for the moment but the future.
Yeah? And maybe you’ll need a THIRD income someday. Shit happens. Try to be prepared, of course, but to say that it’s silly to choose to spend time with your children over making more money – just wow.
There’s risk almost everything about life except for recieving the love and forgivness of Christ. No one is totally in control.
Perhaps for someone who values their career and/or job more than they value spending as much time as possible with their children this post rings true. However for someone who would be seriously unhappy having to choose work over their children, this whole post sounds like a load of materialistic hogwash. I could care less about how much money I have in the bank, or where I am on the workforce ladder, or where I’ll be 20 years from now. I’m very, very happy staying home with both of my kids and being able to give them a stress-free mommy who has time to colour, play with blocks and scrape her knee trying out her son’s skateboard. (He is much better at it than I’ll ever be!)
You are free to write what you wish, of course, but please remember that what’s good for one person is not necessarily good for another.
I absolutely cannot afford to miss out on as much time with my kids as possible, and I’m happier than some who have 10x the amount of money I do.
I really admire you. That’s what I hate about working 40 hours a week. I work at a Veterans hospital as an LPN and it is very rewarding , but my toddlers and 8 year old also need me. I feel I have missed out on a lot. Now I’m pregnant with my fourth and I’m just too tired after work to do crafts and games with them. I can barely even read a book without falling asleep. It takes a lot of effort just to cook dinner every day and I have been failing at that too. I’ve found that I can’t do it all. Work gets 40 or more hours of my time and my home and kids suffer for it. We were broke a lot on my dad’s teachers salary but I always have great memories of my mom taking us to do things and baking, reading, and doing crafts with us. She also homeschooled us full time. I wish I could do those things with my kids.
Duly noted. You can either spend time with them now or have to spend time with them later. It’s no fun having to baby your adult child because of the lack of time you gave to them when they were younger. I think more people need to realize the monetary benefit of parent’s ensuring a healthy and nurturing environment with lots of parental involvement. One would only need to look at the statistics to see how leaving kids to raise themselves negatively affects society. This is often why single parent homes get so much flack. It’s because children are often left to raise themselves when the only parent they have is busy working.
However, what I take from this article and what parents should try to focus on is creating a balance, whether it be through flexible and part-time work or through home-based endeavors, in order to provide and benefit the family as a whole.
All.over.your.blog.tonight…
Things definitely arrive on your screen at the right time.
Currently mid divorce, gave up a very lucrative career to follow my soulmate around the world. We lived all over, raising two kids, traveling and homeschooling and then he hits 50 and is apparently not happy …
A year later, two houses, plus him in a Miami beachfront condo, one child not speaking to him, divorce proceedings just starting after 20 years together … and reinventing a website that I used for fun because it was not good for our taxes for me to ‘earn’ … regrouping. Massively.
sigh. One lives and learns.
LOVE your blog.
Thanks for chiming in — you have a lot going on and it sounds like taking steps to reinvent yourself. You will find happiness again. Hang in, reach out if I can help.
Hi Jasmine,
I’m really glad you commented – thank you. I am sorry you are having such a hard time – I have known people who are hearing impaired and I seen how hard it is for them to develop careers. I am so sorry for your struggles.
To the point of this post, it sounds like you may need to take even more seriously the importance of financial solvency and independence. Your career choices are limited, but they are not non-existent. Would you like to email me directly so we can figure out a way for you to pursue your dream and/or a career?
emma@emma-johnson.
Happy to help,
Emma
Do you try to walk in a stay at home mothers shoes and look at their points of view on why they stay home instead of working. All I get is negative judgement for being a stay at home mom before people even know the reasons behind my choice to be a stay at home mom. I was born completely deaf in my right ear and minor loss in my left ear but I can still hear out of my left ear. I struggled with school due to having a learning disability. Life has been a struggle can’t find the help I need because people are so ignorant they think people who are deaf and hard of hearing don’t want things out of life either. For the passed eight years because I have to live with my left ear being able to hear one minute to being completely deaf the next. Try being told that by the time you turn thirty you may face being completely deaf, that’s three years from now and having a toddler who won’t understand when mommy can’t hear she’s not ignoring you she just can’t hear you. I had dreams to have a successful career, go into fashion designing, one day own my own clothing line. I have lost jobs because my ear has gone out and the companies unwilling to help accommodate me.
Thank you Emma, I’ll keep you updated. Your blog helps me think that everything’s going to be ok :)
It will! Feel free to reach out here or privately if you need anything. You’re strong and awesome, and writing is amazingly cathartic!
Lana – thanks for sharing your sorry. Sadly, your tale illustrates so many women’s situations. Money and earning potential = power = choices. Keep us posted on your journey!
Hi Emma,
I wasn’t a SAHM but I did give up a great career to support my husband’s dream. A couple of years ago I discovered that he was unfaithful. I wish I could have left that night but he made it very clear that he would make the business we had grown together worthless if I left. I feel so foolish for not having my own income stream to be able to support myself and my children. I’m making secret career plans but I’ll struggle to find work at the grade I left a few years ago.
Great article– the grist, for me and really all who want to safeguard the future for their kiddos, is that you just don’t know what the future will bring. I woke up on my 36th birthday needing change. A few years previous, I stepped out of the workforce with my first child but continued to consult, which was great until the jobs dried up. For months I looked for work to no avail. My husband lost his job, found a job, lost the job. It was an unsteady time. All the while, 2 beautiful beautiful boys. However, I could not stagnate anymore and without work prospects sensed I should switch careers. I applied to grad school, got in took classes immediately (despite not knowing how/ if we could really afford it) which led to work within 2 months–quid pro quo. Within my first week of work, I find out I’m pregnant -WOW did I cry and was surprised!. Dear sweet husband on rebound from previous work crisis with sales swagger returned– encourages me to quit job to be home again. He encourages me to just be happy, work because I want to not because I need to. I choose work, I will not feel helpless like before. We adjust, he steps up in every possible way at home (long commute for me, still taking class), things are hard but beautiful. He dies 2 weeks before our third child was born, another beautiful boy. What can I say? I am so grateful for the nudge I got that led me back to work, I cannot imagine where the boys and I would be. Parents basement, likely. Sorry for the length on a comment, but my point is: in life there are no guarantees…build in the parachute, have options.
Mathilde – I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing, your story (sadly) illustrates why it is so important to have some measure of financial independence — not just in times of crisis, but for the ups and downs of life, not to mention for everyone’s sense of fulfillment and mental health.
Yep — though I think the fulfillment piece is personal, but survival is not. SAHM’s need to think about life’s curve balls and be prepared. In my town I call what happened to us the “scared straight” plan. Everyone is on it now. Life insurance, people. Living will. Have the hard conversations. Have a plan. Don’t wait.
Good for you, Kate! Best wishes in your new endeavor !
I have been a SAHM on and off over a period of 16 yrs, doing various different jobs from time to time,i have three gorgeous children but have been through turmoil as one of my daughters has very severe allergies and thyroid problems to name but a few! I have been married 17 yrs
I know that if my daughter was well i would of managed to hold down a permanent job. However i loved constantly being there for each of my children but i have now been offered a job in an office and yes it will be tough for me to adapt from being a SAHM for so long but i have been given this opportunity so am hoping i will be able to do it well, We have lived of one wage for so long now that hopefully we will reap the rewards!
This is a great article. As a twenty-something who is going through a divorce after just a year and a half of marriage (no kids), who never thought it would happen to her, I thank you for putting this out there. This has nothing to do with trust or love or anything. Do not ever put yourself completely at the mercy of another person. We have no control over other people, and no matter how well you think you know someone, people change. People do crazy things. My soon to be ex-husband has severe depression and decided after we were married that he didn’t want children, even though I did and made that clear before we were married. After a year and a half of taking care of him and enduring him quitting his job without telling me (luckily he had savings and so this didn’t affect me financially), he decided that he didn’t ever want children and we both need to move on. Which is fine–I am heartbroken, but I have a good job and health insurance and I can take care of myself. I’m grateful that he figured this out before I facing this children. Although I didn’t give myself over to him completely or stay home, I’m glad I’m learning this now before I did. Depend on yourself and take care of yourself.
Thanks Caitlin – it is so true that you never know what life will throw at you. Your story and mine are unusual, yet it is so common for people to find they require two incomes, whether because of divorce, illness, accidents, unemployment, random financial blows, etc. It is simply silly to think you can afford for two people (plus kids) to survive on one income.
I find this whole thread to be so depressing. Having a college savings fund is not a requirement to have children, nor are any of the other laundry list of items you mention. My children can earn their way through college, as that is how they will learn to appreciate what they have. Our society has raised an army of children who have everything handed to them because their parents have worked hard to provide these comfy lives and thus….they appreciate nothing. I have ten brother/sister-in laws that are all SAHM/one-income families with multiple children and they do not use a lick of government assistance. Life happens, stuff comes up. But really, stuff comes up while you’re working, too!! DUH! So your comment that it is “simply silly to think you can afford two people (plus kids) to survive on one income” is not only grossly inaccurate, but simply silly.
I’ll bet your future self would thank you if you prioritized your life.
On that note, I am 25 years old…have my BS in business management and entrepreneurship, my MBA in finance, I’ve worked 3 years for a Fortune 500 company, own my own company (www.thevakshack.com), published a 200 page memoir on losing my mom to cancer when I was ten years old (The Woman of the House), got married, bought a nice suburby house, and I have a six month old daughter. I am also going to sit down and write a book about how to become a stay at home mom and live on one income.
I do make side money here and there with my business and other fun, entrepreneurial things I like to do (like write). But at the end of the day I am with my daughter full-time and my 26 year old husband brings in the steady paycheck. And…guess what…wait for it…we’re happy!
Thank you! Your response is so perfect, Amanda! I’m not a SAHM yet but we are planning on it as soon as possible. We will be homeschooling so being a SAHM would very beneficial. I have an MA in Counseling Psychology, btw. I know many SAHM’s and many who aspire to be SAHMs. It’s a valid choice. I even know some SAH Dad’s as well. I think it is incredible for the kids if a family can do it financially. PS I would totally read your book.
Well, fantastic for you, but that is definitely not everyone’s’ outcome. Realize the fact you got lucky, feel blessed for that, and take your time to help those who are struggling.
I am … by giving free advice to readers like you!
I am a SAHM (out of the workforce for 4 years now) who has just finalized my divorce. I’ll be going back to start a one year grad business program this summer. Because when I do go back, I’m not just going to settle for whatever job I can get based on previous experience that is now 4 years old. I’m going to go back and kick ass!
I agree with you now about being a SAHM, hindsight being 20/20 and all that. Though actually I will never regret staying with my kids and getting to spend this time with them, I should have at least more seriously looked at part time work. More so to maintain my individuality and maybe for the mental challenge than for the money.
The problem is I didn’t make the decision based on finances or future career prospects. And I definitely didn’t think I needed a plan B. After all, I was going to be one of the 50% that was together forever of course! I made it to attempt to make the quality of life for the family as a whole better. And I’m not talking about just spending time with the kids, I’m talking about all the nitty gritty chores, errands, cooking, etc. Which, yes, I could have started outsourcing some of if I worked, you’re right. But I think that when you have kids someones career (usually the woman) takes at least a bit of a backseat for a while, even if you do both work. And actually, I’d already sacrificed my career when I agreed to move to this smallish town with my husband and that was before kids. I thought that for the family, for the relationship, compromises should be made on both sides and that I would find other things (volunteering, or other types of fulfilling work that may not pay much) to fulfill me besides a “career”. Unfortunately, it turned out I was the only one making sacrifices and he couldn’t even keep his basic marriage vows. So, here I am.
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This would be my main concern, too. It’s just so risky. Who knows what could happen to your partner, your skills… and what about the lost earning potential/retirement savings?
eemusings: So true. Women (and men) often ignore the long-term ramifications of staying home with kids. The decision need to be more than just whether you can pay the bills those years.
Yup. I was out for 10 years. I’ve had dozens of interviews but no one wants to hire me. I wish I’d read this ten year ago.
I would add, as someone happily married: if both spouses are working, it is a bad idea to get used to living on both spouses’ incomes. Use one income to qualify for the mortgage, not both. Use the fact of two incomes to contribute to retirement and college savings. Here’s why: things happen. My husband was unemployed for a while, leaving me the primary support for our family. I was able to make the mortgage because we had a mortgage that only needed one income. We had to cut back on some luxuries, and everyone got new coats for Christmas instead of more frivolous presents, but we did fine.
Thanks Annie – your scenario is a classic example of what happens to families all the time — and yours is a dual-income professional urban family. Shit happens. Get real and plan ahead!
I was talking with an economist this weekend who told me for every year a woman delays having children her lifetime earnings go up 10%.
Spousal support laws need to be changed to take into account the terrible financial hit the primary caregiver in a couple takes over a lifetime. Unfortunately they’ve moved in the opposite direction, putting short deadlines on any support received.
Yes it is true that womens earnings go up the longer they wait. Have you conciser the costs of IUIs? Or IVF? They are STAGGERING! A lot of women who “did things right” are cleaned out after fertility treaments (95% are not covered by any insurance)
This is a very important point. Fertility decreases quickly after your late 20’s – this is biological fact. Infertility treatments are very expensive, and their effectiveness decreases sharply with age. If you choose to put off having children in order to make more money, you may well end up with no children at all. But at least you’ll have your money.
Very well said. Time is ticking, ladies!
Very true. I would not have made the transition to being a stay at home mom if I didn’t have a plan to transition my career home as well. Even with my husband having a decent job it would have been too hard to make ends meet, and I wouldn’t put 4 young sons in that position. And, it’s just not me to NOT write or work professionally, I would have been very unhappy. I think I need to remember more to add the “working” in my new title when speaking with other Moms. I know that many resent that I have quit my job or wonder “how can they afford it?” But, it took many years of planning.
Hi Emma, I love this advice and since my own marriage breakup have tried to remind family and friends to plan for the worst case as I’m proof that it can happen to you. I was able to leave my marriage, provide for my child and for the most part be financially unscathed by my marriage breakup because I returned to my full time job after my son was born. Had I not done this – I dread to think where I would be right now.
BTW, I enjoy your site and I investigated a laundry service this afternoon to do away with the grind of weekly washing. Thanks for the good advice.
My favorite part of your comment? About the laundry! Let us know how it turns out
Amen, awesome advice… I am all for changing your life structure to do what you can to spend time with your kid(s) which I’ve done in my own life but you can never, ever lose site of your own career path. Life as a single mom becomes an amazingly creative business but it certainly is easier when you have your own career already. The tough thing with your advice is that the people who need to read it aren’t reading this site yet:). You can never, ever depend on someone else for your financial and emotional support. A backup plan is always key!
What didn’t make it into this post is the story of a woman I interviewed recently: she was married for 15 years to a very wealthy banker — all the while she abandoned her career all together. She thought she was made in the shade, even after the divorce as she got such a hefty settlement. Then her husband lost his job and continued to struggle — he tried opening a hot dog franchise, but it failed. She is making due with a little child support and is building a craft franchise, but her lifestyle is TOTALLY different and she is really struggling.
Ugh, the middle-class assumption that all 5.1 million of those women left fulfilling careers with growth potential to have children. What about those of us who had jobs, not careers? What about all of us who, if we returned to our pre-baby jobs would not even be able to cover the childcare costs to replace ourselves? Not all of us were lawyers or marketing executives or academics in our past lives. I think this advice only makes sense for a minority of women
Sarah, I disagree. Even jobs — opposed to careers — get stagnated by time off. You miss out on raises, promotions and new skills every time you step out of the workforce, no matter if it is a white- or blue-collar job.
Emma
That really depends on the job. There are plenty of jobs (retail, cleaning, etc.), that offer no promotions and no raises (and no new skills). This includes my job. For some, a different line of work may be in order, if it’s doable.
I agree! Yes anytime off can put you behind. The reality is that with the costs of childcare staying at home is a better option for our family while I am still going to school.
Why didn’t you get an education and cultivate a career prior to having a a baby? So you could use that you “only had a low-wage job” and no options? Get in the game girl, this is REAL life!
YEP!!!
That is the most bigoted, mis-guided comment I have ever heard. There are various circumstances and situations that lead people to make differing life choices from yours. you cannot put out a blanket statement and expect it to fit the mold for everyone’s life. I agree that you should plan for your future and family planning plays a huge part in that. But to accuse someone they way you did is counter productive and in fact the very reason so many women feel that they have no options. Try being a little more open minded.
Thank you Jamie.I thought the same thing. Well, my thoughts were filled with a bit of profanity but still, same sentiment. :-)
Jamie, its one thing to be open minded. Its another thing to be soft headed. And some choices are dumb. Period. Like driving on a freeway with your eyes shut. Maybe we should be open minded enough to respect that choice too. Doesn’t change that someone doing that could kill themself and other people doing it.
“you cannot put out a blanket statement and expect it to fit the mold for everyone’s life.”
Yes, actually, she can. The blanket statement here being, “If YOU are not in control of your finances, YOU are screwing yourself over.” There’s no income limit to that sentiment. It is what it is. YOU need to make sure that you can take care of yourself (and any dependents) at all times, regardless of what job/career you take.
Yep!
What a great point. When I got married, I dropped out of college thinking I didn’t need it anymore. Shortly before my husband decided to leave, I enrolled back in school and finished my degree with a baby on the way. Now, I’m on to my master’s.
My advice as someone who has been there and got the T-shirt, find a flexible career path and gain the skills to train for it. Time goes by so quickly and gaining those skills is a LOT easier when kids are younger. There are plenty of flexible career paths that provide high wage, part -time employment (accounting, teaching, social work, speech therapy, nursing).
Agree 100%, thanks for chiming in.
Wow. Why didn’t you read that before you posted it? That was very insulting. I didn’t go to college for a four year degree because I COULDN’T AFFORD IT. And I’m glad I didn’t take out 60k in loans to “afford it” that way either. Everyone makes their own choices in life and have to live with them. No need to belittle her because she’s not living your version of “real” life.
I can not afford to be a sahm but I couldn’t afford to go back to work either. I tried to build a career, but I left my country at age 20 and moved abroad. I did not speak English and I used all my money to pay for my fare. I looked after kids as an au-pair for two years and studied for a year after that. I left home as a qualified bookkeeper / administrator, but foreign qualifications don’t matter much. I couldn’t afford uni, but I am smart, quick to learn on the job and hard worker. I landed a job as a sales assistant and was there for two years as I was under the impression that I could become manager. That was used to keep me there, so I left and worked in admin after that. In this job I was always asking for pay rise (got it every time) and more responsibilities, but it became obvious to me that they did not want me to get any more ahead (my manager got told off when I was doing some of her work) and even with all the pay rise I had, I was still the lowest earner there. Me and hubby were both saving up as much as we could, but still couldn’t dream of getting on the property ladder. After I had my lo, I decided not to return to work, as with my hours I was away from home 8-19, and we couldn’t afford child care. Three years on I am looking to return to work part-time. Most of our saving is gone, but I will never regret staying home with my child. I did not give birth to her just to hand her over to someone else. Parenting is the most important, under-appreciated, difficult and rewarding jobs anyone could ever do. I have payed for everything from my own pocket since I was 14 and life was never easy for me, but I refuse to give up. Sadly we can’t afford to give lo a sibling, that is the only regret for me. Oh and we have no family to fall back on on either side, and no one to help to look after lo.
I agree, and though I understand to a point what Emma is trying to say below, I don’t think she honestly understands.
This is such a valuable article! I am the owner of three coworking spaces (franchising 200 in 5 years) and have a lot of members that are also mothers! The rise of the independent workforce is reshaping the way we view/do work and the possibilities of part-time, consulting, freelance work are vast and growing. Our research shows that currently 30% of U.S. knowledge-based workers are independent (freelancers, consultants, entrepreneurs). This figure is projected to reach 60% by 2020 (MBO Partners – State of Independence Report), I encourage all of our members (especially moms) to keep working, build their experience, and take their career into their own hands through freelancing. Love this blog! Great job Emma!
Felena – we are of mind meld! Great on you for the work you’re doing!