Are all single moms destined for poverty, loneliness and effed-up kids?
Quick answer: NO.
Being a single mom is no one’s Plan A.
But being a single mom does not mean you’re destined for the welfare line, free school lunches for your kids, or living in your parents’ basement.
The first step is to convince yourself that your new life will be one that is full, joyous and financially rich.
Love it or hate it, your finances are one of the biggest parts of your life. That’s why you should consider trying (for FREE!) a budgeting tool like YNAB. Get started with YNAB now, free for 34 days >>
Unfortunately, there are millions and millions of single moms out there that are not giving their finances the attention that the moms deserve. They tell themselves things like:
“Money isn’t that important.”
“The desire to be financially secure is selfish and greedy.”
“I should sacrifice my career and financial security to spend more time with my kids.”
“I’m just bad with money 🤷.”
“The only way to get out of this pay-check-to-paycheck mess is to find a man / make my ex pay more child support.”
“Money is too complicated.”
Keep reading for details on how to build an amazing life, find love and raise happy kids as a single mother, including my own journey to building a business, income, savings, investments and wealth.
Learn more about getting rid of credit card debt.
How to survive financially as a single mom: 13 financial steps to go from broke single mom to living a rich life
Everything is harder when you’re broke, and that includes being a single mom. The good news is that there are things you can do to get control over your finances, stop living paycheck to paycheck, and build wealth — and stop stressing over money.
Some of these steps are about logistics: Opening a bank account, simplifying your budget, checking your credit score, consolidating your debt, making more money.
Some are about changing your mindset: Embracing your new reality as a single mom, letting go of past assumptions, setting goals.
And others are about learning how to take care of everything you’re working to build by practicing financial self-care. But all of them will bring you one step closer to living the life that you want for yourself and your family.
Here are my steps to living a rich single mom life:
1. Open a bank account
If you don’t have a bank account of your own, your very first step should be to open one. Why? Because it makes pretty much everything else in this list a whole lot easier to accomplish.
It also just makes the logistics of life a lot easier, giving you somewhere to cash your checks, transfer money, and get a money order—while making it less likely that you’ll need to rely on a payday loan to make ends meet.
What bank account should you have?
Most people should actually have multiple different kinds of bank accounts. A note: As of 2021, interest rates that you can earn on these accounts are low for all bank accounts — lower than 1.5%, and typically below 1%. This trend is bad news for savings, but good news if you are financing a home or car, since the interest rates you will pay in those products will be lower than in years past.
A checking account gives you a place to put money that you need to spend in the short term, protecting it from loss or theft. Typically, you’d access this money by using a debit card, checkbook, or by making a withdrawal at the bank. Checking accounts pay interest, but it’s usually pretty low—lower than a savings account or MMA.
A savings account, on the other hand, is designed for money that you really don’t plan on spending in the short term. These accounts typically pay more in interest than a checking account does, which can help your money grow a bit while you save. Still, the interest rates aren’t great, and money in your savings account is harder to access than in a checking account.
A money market account is kind of like a hybrid between a checking and savings account.
An MMA typically pays a higher interest rate than either savings accounts or checking accounts, but also makes it easier for you to access your money. If you’re only going to open one account, this is the one that I recommend. At 0.50%, CIT’s money market account has one the highest rates on the market (as of February 5, 2021). Open a CIT account now >>
What do you need to open a bank account?
Opening a bank account is usually pretty easy and straightforward. Exactly what you need to open an account can vary slightly from bank to bank, but usually includes:
- An application form, whether online or paper.
- Personal information, including your name, Social Security Number, date of birth, address, phone number, and other contact information
- Proof of address, typically in the form of a letter or bill in your name sent to you
- At least one form of ID like a driver’s license, passport, social security card, or birth certificate. Some banks will require two forms of ID.
Additionally, some banks may require a minimum deposit to open certain types of accounts.
You can cash a check in a lot of places, but by far the easiest and cheapest place to do so will be at the bank where you have an account, since that is typically free.
Where to cash a personal check
If you don’t have a bank, then you may need to get creative in cashing your checks. Some options include:
- Retailers like Walmart, for a fee that typically ranges between $1 and $5 per $1,000 cashed. For example, grocery store Kroger charges an average of $4 to cash a $1,000 check, while Kmart charges $1 to cash a $500 check.
- The bank that issued the check. For example, if the person who wrote the check has an account at Wells Fargo, you can cash that check at a Wells Fargo. Most banks will charge non-account holders a fee to cash these checks, often between $5 and $10.
- A check cashing service or payday lender, which tend to charge some of the highest fees, usually as a percentage of the amount cashed. For example, by law check cashers in Connecticut are allowed to charge up to 2% of the face value of a check cashed.
Walmart check cashing
Walmart and many other retail stores will cash a check—for a fee. Walmart will cash checks up to $1,000 for a maximum fee of $4, or checks between $1,000 and $5,000 for a maximum fee of $8. To cash a check at Walmart, you need to physically visit the store with your check and a valid ID.
A money transfer, or ACH, is a way to electronically move money from one bank account to another. You can transfer money from your Chase checking account in Virginia to your sister’s Bank of America checking account in Oregon.
How to transfer money
If you don’t have a bank account, then you’ll need to turn to a money transferring service like MoneyGram or Western Union to send your money transfer. Both of these services charge a fee based on the amount of money being sent and where it is being sent. For example, if you’re sending a $1,000 money order within the U.S., MoneyGram estimates a $30 transfer fee, while Western Union estimates a $20 transfer fee.
If you do have a bank account, then transferring money through your bank will usually be the cheaper option. Some banks don’t charge fees for any money transfer initiated by an account holder, while others will charge a fee only for transfers being made between banks. Even when your bank does charge a fee, it will often be less than what you’d pay using a service like MoneyGram or Western Union.
How long it takes for a money transfer to go through will depend. If the account that you’re transferring money to is held at the same bank as your account, the transfer can be nearly instant. If the account is with a different bank, it can take between three and five business days for the money to clear.
A money order is a lot like a check. The key difference is that you pre-pay the money order when you purchase one, which means it can’t bounce when whoever you’re paying goes to cash it. It’s for exactly that reason that some businesses require payments are made by money order instead of personal check.
Money orders can also be helpful when you’re sending a payment by mail. Obviously, you don’t want to mail cash, because a.) you won’t have any proof that the person you’re paying actually received the cash and b.) it can be stolen. But you also might not want to send a personal check, which carries your personal account information that could be stolen and used to steal your identity. A money order gets around both of those problems.
How to get a money order
You can get a money order from your bank or credit union, the post office, a check cashing service, a local bodega, or even a major store like Walmart. Of all of these options, your bank is likely to offer the lowest fees; some banks will waive fees entirely depending on the type of account you have with them.
Wherever you get your money order, you’ll need to fill out a form and pay both the amount that you will be sending and whatever fee the issuer charges, often between $1 and $10.
Money order near me?
If you’re looking for a money order near you, your best bets would be:
- The local branch at your bank
- Your local U.S. Postal Office
- A supermarket like Walmart
- Some convenience stores
- A check cashing service
Cashing in coins
If you’re finally ready to cash in all of that loose change that you’ve collected over the years your own bank is the best bet.
Most banks don’t charge a fee to cash coins for their clients. Some banks require you to roll your coins before they’ll accept them.
Banks often charge non-customers a fee to cash in coins.
Whatever you do, try to stay away from kiosks like Coinstar machines, which can claim as much as 12 percent of your haul just to exchange coins for paper cash.
According to the Pew Charitable Trusts, approximately 12 million Americans borrow payday loans each year. The majority of those borrowers are unmarried women between 25 and 44 years old. Research has also shown that a person is more likely to turn to a payday loan if they’re unbanked, or don’t have access to a bank account.
The problem with this is that payday loans are some of the most expensive forms of debt out there, far surpassing the interest rates charged by credit cards. While some states place a maximum limit on what this interest rate can be, the average payday loan carries an interest rate of 398%! That means that if you borrow $1,000, you ultimately end up paying close to $4,000 in interest and fees.
Need a payday advance?
If you really need money before you get paid, a payday loan should be your last option. Some alternatives to payday loans include:
- Asking your boss for an advance on your paycheck
- Asking to set up a payment plan with whoever you need to pay
- Asking friends, family, or church for help
- Selling old, broken, or unwanted jewelry
- Turning to savings, if you’ve got them
Payday loan near me?
If you’re dead set on borrowing a payday loan, first google “payday loans bad.” Payday loans have long lived in a grey area of the financial services industry: On one hand they are typically legal entities, but increasingly highly scrutinized since they charge exorbitant interest rates, and are notoriously misleading in their marketing and disclosures. Payday loan operations are located disproportionately in low-income neighborhoods with high numbers of people of color.
In other words: Payday loan companies target poor people with insanely high interest loans.
I do not recommend payday loans, and endorse laws that restrict predatory lending.
How to avoid payday loans
If you’re stuck in a cycle of relying on payday loans to get by, step one to getting off this ride is to open a bank account where you can start building up a buffer of cash. But once you’ve got that account, you’ll need to get creative to start filling it, which will require you to take a closer look at your budget.
2. Simplify your budget
If you are stressed about money, chances are that you are also financially unorganized. Do you fail to stick to a budget (or maybe you don’t have a budget? You’re not alone!)? Don’t reach your saving or investing goals? Are your debt and credit scores a mess?
In fact, a deep clean of your finances can do a couple, critical things:
- Face the facts. No more ignoring what has made you uncomfortable.
- Save time and energy.
Open all your bills and use a budgeting app
If you’re not clear on your money situation, chances are you’re avoiding it.
This may include failing to open bills, ignoring due dates, missing payments and looking the other way, or humming and tapping your foot when friends bring up investing.
First things first: Get real with yourself. This means opening all your bills as they arrive. No ignoring them. This is adulthood!
Second, plug all your accounts into a third-party app like You Need A Budget.
YNAB is an app and website that helps you create budgets and meet your financial goals — including paying off debt, saving for an emergency, car, house or education. Free 34-day trial.
The point is to get a single, clear picture of all your money, in one spot.
Once you understand where your money is going, time to cut the dead wood. You know the usuals: gym memberships you don’t use (get real with yourself, sister! Plus: plenty of free ways to work out.), Hulu, restaurant meals, etc.
One favorite tool is using a bill negotiation service to cut spending. I use TrueBill’s ‘Lower My Bill’ service, which haggles bills on your behalf. I used this a few months ago, and TrueBill saved me $16 off my monthly AT&T bill while also getting me a bigger data plan, and $23.20 from my TimeWarner / Spectrum Internet bill! Boom!
TrueBill monitors spending (for free) using your bank and credit card accounts, and highlights recurring subscriptions — then will cancel for you any that you want to stop. These include:
- Cell phone service
- Gym memberships
- Time Warner Cable
- Car insurance and other insurances
Use a co-parenting app to track expenses
Even if you and your child’s other parent are not court-mandated to use a co-parenting app, a program like Our Family Wizard can help not only keep track of kid expenses, and whether they were reimbursed by you or your ex, they can also help you maintain a co-parenting schedule, improve co-parenting communication and share information like contact and medical info.
Our Family Wizard is used by tens of thousands of families, costs $99/year per parent, has a 30-day free trial, as well as military discounts and assistance for low-income families. Check out Our Family Wizard now >>
Set one due date and automate all bills
There is no reason to write paper checks to pay your bills. Perhaps your landlord requires this ancient form of currency, or your kid’s daycare, in which case there is not much you can do.
For everything else, go online or call the utility, insurer, bank or service and set up automatic payments. Many places will give you a buck or two discount each month for making your own life easier!
The next step is to set the due date for as many bills as possible to the first of the month. Perhaps your cash flow does not allow for all your bills to clear at once, but that means that you are spending a lot of mental energy and stress worrying that paychecks will clear before bills hit.
Set up a free online checking account or high-interest online savings account.
Go on a shopping diet
No more trips to the mall or Amazon.com to browse.
No more retail therapy.
No more “treating yourself” to meals out you can’t afford, clothes that break your budget, or gifts for your kids that are outside of your financial goals. Easy, affordable meal planning for single moms.
If you are broke, shopping is not a hobby you can afford! Financial stress is not a treat — it is self-punishment!
While you’re at it:
Eat through your pantry and freezer.
Use up all the shampoo, soap, toothpaste and mascara in your house before you buy more.
Use up all the cleaning supplies and paper products en lieu of picking some up, blindly, at the market.
Make a strict list before stepping foot in Target and do not stray into the cosmetics departments for a “treat” – and I don’t care how great of a deal you find!
By making each purchase a conscious one, you will feel empowered and confident about your money.
3. Make more money
You can cut costs like Netflix and restaurants, raise the thermostat, cut coupons, and negotiate your insurance, and other tasks that do help your bottom line, but keep you focused on surviving financially as a single mom, and how to afford to live.
But there is only so much you can slash.
And super-budget thinking is small thinking.
However, if you focus on earning more, growing wealth, and thriving, the sky is the limit!
Decide today to increase your income, your credit, your bottom line. Recalibrate your energy into a wealth zone.
Some ideas for making more money:
- Take a mentor out for lunch to learn about opportunities in your profession.
- Research going back to school.
- Consider starting your own business.
- Join a local or national networking group.
- Hell, attend just one networking event!
- Talk to your boss about telecommuting and other life-balance arrangements.
Thanks to the Internet, it’s never been easier to make some extra money on the side.
There are hundreds of ways single moms can make money from home, in your spare time without having to wait tables on the weekend.
My favorite 57 tools for work-at-home workers, including social media graphics, business contracts and incorporation, tools to build a website, and more. Plus, three online tools you need: Bookkeeping, accounting and payroll >>
4. Embrace that you are now financially independent as a single mom
Fights about money are one of the biggest reasons single moms are not romantically involved with their kids’ dads in the first place.
The fact that you are now financially free to make good, sound money decisions is one of the most positive, powerful changes in your life.
So is your newly encumbered ability to work and earn more money. You don’t have to play to anyone’s ego anymore.
Embrace this independence and all the freedom and power that comes with it.
Do not start to dream and strategize about how the next man will be your meal ticket to a better financial future.
Maybe one day you’ll couple with a man who is at least if not more successful for you, and than you, which will bolster your financial security. Even then, you need to take care of yourself, and your finances, and build a life and wealth as an independent adult woman. Because you are, and you can.
Yes, you may receive child support and/or alimony. But remember this: That money could go away any time.
He could lose his job, skip town, become disabled or pass away at any moment.
You cannot control that. But you can control how much money you earn.
And you can earn far more than a judge may order you be paid.
Plus: It is critical to your ability to move on emotionally in this phase of life if you are not connected to your ex and your former life through bi-weekly payments.
5. Let go of assumptions about what is possible as a single mom
Your family, media, friends, and colleagues likely give you messages — subtle and not-so-much — about your urge to get married “while you’re still young and cute,” settle for a low-paying, but steady job, and how statistically, your kids are destined for juvie and a life of otherwise underperformance.
Ignore those people, and contend with those messages in your own mind (I’ve had them, trust me! Worries about living out of a car that I didn’t even own, visions of constantly struggling). Instead, surround yourself with successful, positive people. Identify successful single moms in your own life, or in the world. Cocoon in messages of what is possible. You absorb it by osmosis.
Single moms are statistically poorer and more stressed out with kids who don’t do so great when compared with other families. That is not a sentence for your life. You can do whatever you want, but you have to do it through the lens of a person, a professional, a woman.
Were you offered a promotion of your dreams, but consider not taking it because the travel will permanently damage your kids? Has any man ever in the history of mankind ever had that thought?! Take the freaking promotion, hire a wonderful babysitter to help you out, get a housekeeper for crying out loud, and show your kids — and the world! — how shit is done.
Living your greatest potential is the best gift any mother can give her children and the world.
6. Check your credit score for free—regularly
Your credit score is probably something that you don’t think about.
I go into the reasons why in my post here.
Let’s be honest, most people don’t spend a lot of time thinking about their score, but that could be a huge mistake.
Your credit score plays a huge role in several areas of your life.
It can be the difference in getting approved for a loan or mortgage.
It is going to also to impact the rates that you get on loans.
If you’re a renter, there is a chance that a bad credit score will get you declined for an apartment.
Also, when you apply for a job, your employer might check your credit score when you apply.
Having a poor credit score could keep you from getting the dream job or that new apartment.
7. Consolidate your credit cards and manage debt
Are you struggling with debt, or otherwise balancing different credit cards and other bills? Have a lousy credit score? This is a complicated, time-consuming juggle that you need to deal with ASAP!
An important first step is to apply for a 0% balance transfer credit card — which can dramatically speed up your debt payoff process by saving you thousands of dollars in interest and fees.
The answer likely includes a combination of a strict budget, debt pay-off plan, and credit repair. The Credit People is an affordable credit-repair company that assigns a single customer service rep to improve your credit score quickly and affordably. It costs just $9 to get started repairing your credit >>
8. Set short- and long-term financial goals
According to one New York University study, on average single mothers possess only 4 percent of the wealth of single fathers: single moms have $1,000 saved compared to the $25,300 that single fathers have. The study found that black and Latino single mom have a median wealth of zero, while white single moms report $6,000.
Compare this to the 64 percent of successful retirees (those who claimed to be comfortable in their retirement) who saved and invested during their 20s and 30s — prime baby-making and raising years! A recent Allianz survey of professional families found that the average traditional, two-parent family has saved $264,000 for retirement while single-parent families had just $171,000 in savings.
This disparity does not have to be your story.
But you must set some goals to buck the single-mom trap.
Short-term goals might be to pay off a credit card bill, build an emergency savings account, or save up for a vacation.
Invest with a robo-advisor
Long-term goals include buying a home, starting a business, remodeling the kitchen, saving for your kids’ college, or investing for retirement.
The last thing you want is a complicated investment strategy — or a high-fee broker who you may or not trust.
I’m a big fan of Betterment, which has a really cool and free goal setter on their beautiful website, founded by Wall Street legend Sally Krawcheck.
Plug in your info and goals, and in 10 minutes this free financial planning tool will outline what it takes to reach your financial goals.
One mistake moms often make is that they park their money in a savings account or checking account with a low- or 0% APR. Be sure to invest in the stock market, especially robo-advisor managed funds. Betterment is a robo-advisor, which means that sophisticated computers manage and grow your money for you — the benefits of which are very low fees, as well as much higher returns when compared to what you get when humans manage money, studies find.
Betterment is one of the oldest and largest robo-advisors, with $22 billion under management. Benefits of Betterment include:
- $0 minimum
- Fees starting at .25%
- Tax loss harvesting
- Better Business Bureau A+
- Get a free financial plan
- Access to human advisors
- New member promo: Up to 1 year managed free
- Socially responsible investing funds
- Betterment savings and checking accounts
If you haven’t dipped your toes into the investment waters, you might be nervous about building a portfolio or opening a brokerage account. Learn about investing basics in this post.
Save and pay off debt at the same time
Your financial goals likely include both building an emergency fund and paying off your credit card debt.
Which should you do first: pay off debt or build savings?
Answer: Both! Split extra funds between paying off debt and boosting that emergency savings and/or investments.
Don’t make money decisions ‘as a single mom’
Were you offered the promotion of your dreams, but consider not taking it because the travel will permanently damage your kids? Has any many ever in the history of mankind ever had that thought?! Go after that promotion, hire a wonderful babysitter to help you out, get someone to clean your house for crying out loud, and show your kids — and the world! — how shit is done. Living your greatest potential is the best gift any mother can give her children, and the world.
One of the biggest mistakes single moms make is they prioritize saving for their kids’ college over their own financial futures.
Nearly half (47 percent) of single moms say that saving for their children’s education is their No. 1 greatest motivation for developing a long-term financial plan — above saving for retirement. Compare that with just 26 percent of other modern families who say the same, according to an Allianz survey.
I suspect that single moms feel guilty for being a “broken family” and attempt to make up for any pain a breakup caused their children by financing their educations. The reason may also be that the moms themselves have struggled financially, and hope to lessen that struggle for their kids.
No matter how benevolent the reasons, don’t do this.
Your kid can get loans for school, you can’t get loans for retirement. Financial pros will tell you that retirement savings trump college on all fronts: more tax benefits, longer vestment periods and a higher priority overall. Plus, your kids will be super irritated if they have to support you when you’re old and you could have made better decisions.
9. Understand your new tax situation as a single parent
There is a huge difference in filing your taxes single compared to filing as a married person.
I don’t expect you to understand all of the tax rules, but it’s also important you understand the consequences of filing your taxes properly.
10. Protect your family with life insurance and disability insurance
Life insurance for single moms
Life insurance can be insanely affordable, easy to get, and just plain smart.
Read more about single moms and life insurance in this post.
Life insurance is one of the most important decisions that you’ll ever make for your loved ones, especially as a single mom.
Nobody wants to think about tragedy striking their family, but not planning for the worst could be one of the worst mistakes that you could make.
One reason that people don’t buy life insurance is because they assume that it’s going to be too expensive, but in most cases, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Bestow offers term life insurance with a quick and simple quote process. Bestow promises no medical exam or lab tests, an A+ Better Business Bureau rating, and prices start at $10/month for up to $1.5 million coverage.
Bestow’s policies are provided by one of the largest life insurance companies in the nation, and rated A+ (Superior).
Disability insurance for those who are self-employed
Disability insurance is just what it sounds like: a policy meant to replace a portion of your income if illness or injury leaves you unable to work. Each insurance company has its own limits, but typically disability insurance covers up to 60% of your pre-tax salary.
You need disability insurance. Those who do not have disability insurance through a job, including the self-employed, can find individual coverage through reputable companies for an affordable price. Breeze disability insurance plans start at $9/month for people aged 18 to 60 years old, with monthly benefits ranging from $500 to $20,000.
Disability insurance is a common workplace benefit, often partially or completely paid for by the employer. But disability insurance for the self-employed is a different matter, because there’s no employer to arrange it.
No one likes to think about becoming disabled. Yet according to the Social Security Administration, a little more than 25% of today’s 20-year-old workers will become disabled before retirement.
According to data collected by the nonprofit Council for Disability Awareness, the top five reasons for long-term disability claims are:
- Musculoskeletal disorders (29%)
- Cancer (15%)
- Pregnancy (9.4%)
- Mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety (9.1%)
- Injuries such as sprains, fractures, and strains of muscles and ligaments (9%)
Workers’ Compensation only covers injuries and illnesses that are directly caused by the workplace. Social Security Disability Insurance is another benefit source, but only about 1 in 3 applicants qualify, the average processing time is more than 18 months, and the average SSDI benefit is $1,197 per month.
If illness or injury strikes, you can file a claim for disability benefits with supporting documents from your doctor. After the “elimination” (waiting) period ends, your monthly payments begin. Breeze offers policies beginning at just $9 per month, and you can apply online in minutes.
11. Spend money in ways that make you money
Time is money.
If you spend all your free time on housework and errands, you will never break free from your financial challenges and build something new.
There is a reason the wealthy — and even the financially comfortable people — hire out cleaning, yardwork, and other chores: Their time is too valuable doing what they do not enjoy, and they can hire out to an expert, instead.
Pay for yard service, and use that time saved to build a business.
Invest in a dishwasher and spend that extra time studying for a degree that will earn you more money.
Send out your laundry and devote those hours to fun family time.
Put money into advancing your career, learning a new skill or building your business.
12. Practice financial self-care
Create a money self-care practice
Just as everyone needs a fitness routine and can benefit from mindfulness or spiritual practice, so, too, is the case with money. Creating an action-based plan for staying conscious and actively involved with your money habits and attitudes is the essence of financial self-care.
Examples of items in your self-care practice might include:
- Daily money gratitude writings
- Weekly check-in with financial support group/friend
- Weekly review of all expenses
- Monthly assessment of financial goals
- Twice-yearly meeting with financial advisor / CPA / banker
- Monthly charity donation
Of course, your self-care practice will be your own. As you commit to and tweak your own wellness practice, you will find that it can feel so powerfully positive that — not unlike a great exercise habit — your whole being will crave it when you miss a day or week. That is when you know true change is underway.
Here are other parts of financial self-care:
Face facts about your money
Money still carries heavy taboos, and talking about it with anyone but your partner is still considered rude in many circles. This shadow over money carries over into our own feelings and management of our personal finances, which are easily ignored.
Do you tend to leave bills and financial statements unopened? Do you know exactly how much debt you have — and at what interest rates? How close are you to healthy retirement savings?
If you can’t answer these basic questions, it’s time to get really honest with yourself. Face all the facts about your money.
One of my favorite tips is to use free online tools to easily pull in all of your financial accounts into one place, tallying all your income, debt, investments and credit cards. Simply looking at these numbers in one spot is often life-changing.
You may be pleasantly surprised — one single mom who undertook this step at my advice told me she was stunned and thrilled to learn that she had six-figures in assets. You may be less pleased with what you see, and that is OK. Be kind to yourself, and appreciate the bravery involved in taking this first, hard step — which growth depends upon.
Identify the root of your relationship with money
To start a new, better relationship with your finances, dig into where your current relationship started. Think about your earliest money memories and write them down.
What lessons did your parents teach you about earning, spending and saving? Did your parents fight about money? Were finances a source of stress or joy in your home? Was money revered as a very important source of status? A means to control others? Or simply a currency to help achieve comfort?
Just like it can take decades to decode any other life challenges, money issues are complicated and nuanced, and your insights will evolve over time. But honoring the very real early influences on your money relationship can help you take control of a new, better path.
Surrounding yourself with others who are on a positive, self-care journey with their money is critical to your success in this part of your life. Studies find time and again that the people you surround yourself with have a huge impact on your habits.
For example, teenagers whose friends smoke are also likely to smoke. Same, too, with personal finance habits.
If your friends are all swimming in debt, love to shop when they can’t afford it and care little about their investments, it is time to find a new tribe.
This might include joining a Facebook group of like-minded women, forming a support group in your neighborhood or house of worship, or reaching out to a friend who lives far away and scheduling monthly accountability calls to keep each other on track.
Getting the financial support you need also likely includes working with professionals. A good accountant or tax preparer, financial advisor, bookkeeper (if you own a business), debt counselor and a banker might all be part of your financial team.
These experts will not only provide money- and time-saving services, but will also hold you accountable to your goals. Plus, simply reaching out and creating a professional relationship is a positive action step that will make you feel empowered.
Join my Facebook group, Millionaire Single Moms, where positive, evolved women support one another in building careers, businesses, wealth, relationships and more!
13. Dream really, scary big
Single moms might get out of rock-bottom poverty mode, but they often fail to truly break free from mindsets that hold them back from their true potential. I often see single moms who blame their exes for their financial limits, complaining that failure to pay child support means they can’t go back to school to earn a higher degree, and therefore make more money.
Others say that the lack of their ex’s involvement means that they work the hours required to qualify for a promotion. Others blame their family status for not taking on big risks like starting a new business, taking a demanding new job, or otherwise stretching their professional or financial comfort zone, citing needing to be home more, or lack of support as the reason.
I get all of these and have felt them myself. But when I am about to kill my ex for not honoring his visitation schedule, which means I have to scramble to find a sitter last-minute or cancel a media opportunity, I have learned to pause, reach out to my network of sitters, family and friends, and hire that child care, work after the kids are asleep, or otherwise do whatever it takes to make it work. Otherwise, I am giving my power to others — my ex, my family status, or society who I may fear judges me and my parenting.
Do not give your power to others. Do not live in fear, anger or otherwise mute your brilliance. Instead, put the pedal to the metal. Set giant, scary, ridiculous goals. Hire the child care you need, and make parenting about quantity over quality time. After all, if you are stressed over money, resentful over unfulfilled dreams and goals, you are a far, far lesser mom and woman than one who spends a few less hours with her kids, but is living her full potential, and serving as a far poorer role model for her children.
Go for it. You got this.
This is my story.
I was pregnant with a toddler when my ex left. He made all the money and his job provided insurance and other benefits.
I was terrified. I would lay in bed at night figuring out how the kids and I would live in my 1999 red Subaru Forester. Today, I run a business with revenue of hundreds of thousands of dollars each year. My hot boyfriend of three years is a wonderful partner. I enjoy at least four vacations each year — often internationally, and sometimes with the kids, others with my boyfriend, a girlfriend, or solo. My investments are in awesome shape for retirement, as well as short-term goals. And best of all— my kids are thriving and happy.
In this post, I share how I got over my own mindset blocks that had me stuck. These include:
1. Live frugally and simply. Even though I could easily afford a different home, my kids and I enjoy our two-bedroom NYC co-op. We only buy what we need, or what will give us true pleasure, and are mindful of the environmental impact of our purchases. My 2013, banged-up Subaru Impreza hatchback is paid-off and fuel-efficient.
2. Invest in myself first. Every year for the past five years I have maxed out my tax-advantaged retirement accounts (401k and Roth IRA), which are especially rich because I am self-employed (did you know you can shelter up to $56,000 in a 401k if you are self employed?).
Other investments include a cash emergency fund, and life insurance and disability insurance. Yes, these investments are wise and advisable, but the greatest advantage is they make me feel safe and secure. Knowing that the chances of my family’s future is secure has freed me from untold stress, and graced me with a confidence that informs so many of my decisions.
3. I live debt-free. Early in my life, I struggled with student loans and credit card debt — did the monthly minimum payment mambo, and tossed balances around to different 0% balance transfer credit cards and other shenanigans. Fast-forward to today and a debt-free life (except a mortgage, with a very low, tax-advantaged interest rate).
4. I am grateful. It is very easy to slip into assuming society’s damnation of single motherhood, and buy into the mantra that as an unmarried mom, I am a hot, struggling mess.
My secret weapon against the single-mom blues is finding a gratitude exercise. The more you focus on what you DO have, and what you CAN accomplish, and HAVE ALREADY accomplished, the more likely it is that you minimize your focus on what you lost, or what your friends have (that you don’t), and free yourself to step into all the possibility of your future.
A gratitude exercise can include writing in a pretty notebook each morning all the things you are grateful, or creating a family ritual in which each member shares three things they are grateful for before a meal or at bedtime, or simply taking a moment during a stressful spot to remind yourself of all you have. Here are just a few things that I am grateful for:
- I live in a time of peace, in a place and time where there are unprecedented opportunities for women — including unmarried mothers.
- My children are healthy, bright, kind and funny people.
- I have all the love I am capable of receiving.
- I have skills to pay the bills.
- So much privilege
5. I give back. Once you embrace all your blessings, big and small, and step into a sense of true gratitude, the resulting humility precludes you from serving others. This may mean giving to a charity or house of worship. It can include volunteering your time, being a listener, or bringing a casserole, shoveling the driveway or other favor to a friend or family member for those in your life who need a hand, or other selfless acts.
My service includes giving at least 10% of my net income each year to charity; buying extra food with my kids each time we go to Costco each month and give it to a local food pantry; and giving free consulting services to people, organizations and businesses that align with my principles. Recently, I launched Moms for Shared Parenting, an activist organization to which I am giving my time, money and skills for zero pay.
Have emotional money blocks that you can’t seem to get over on your own? I break these all down in How to break out of the broke single mom mindset — and thrive.
Need medical help, or prescriptions from home? Learn about online medical care and pharmacies.
Example of how to be a single mom with no help
This truth bomb from Jessica Mraz, 50, St. Paul, Minnesota, who let go of child support, changed her life for the better, and changed the world:
“Life lesson learned yesterday. I was struggling to figure out how to pay for my son’s health insurance and medical bills since the premiums went up and my deductible changed as well as sports and guitar lessons. I got into a big argument with my ex because he refuses to pay for any of it since he gives me some child support and thinks that should cover everything. Suddenly a light went off in my head and I thought:
“Why are you wrestling with this piggy ? You are just covering yourself up with mud. You will never get him to agree with you. So woman, you are just going to have to make all the money you need to pay for everything that your son needs and you need to have a great life. Stop thinking in this limited way. Now raise yourself up and walk away from this struggle.
“I was angry and felt like blowing off some important things I had to do. But I didn’t. I turned that anger into energy. Then I walked into the recording studio where I do voiceover and knocked it out of the park. One of the most empowering moments of my life. I am grateful to Emma and the Millionaire Single Moms (Facebook group, join here!) for helping me get to this place of awareness and dignity.”
Jessica is a professional translator, one of the career paths that pay very well and many moms do from home — learn how to get into this lucrative, flexible field and 12 others in this post about work-at-home high-paying careers.
Kickass Single Mom money manifesto
This is my mission statement for this platform, myself, and for single moms everywhere. It is from my #1 Bestselling book, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), which the New York Post called a “Smart, must read” and was featured on The Doctors, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Jenny McCarthy Show, O, Oprah Magazine, MONEY magazine and more than 150 other outlets:
I will set big, giant scary goals for myself and family, regardless of what my family looks like, or what other people think I am capable of.
I appreciate every single day that I live in a time of unprecedented wealth and opportunity for women, and it is my duty to achieve both to honor the people who fought for me to have these opportunities, as well as for those who come after me.
I accept responsibility for my own financial well-being.
I might not have it all figured out right now, but I am taking steps to be debt free, financially independent, and with a financial plan for the future.
I will never chose to under-earn in order to maximize receipt of child support, alimony or public benefits.
I will never under-earn to minimize paying child support or alimony.
I will take steps to minimize working mom guilt, instead deferring to extensive research that finds that after age 3, the number of hours moms spend with their kids does not impact their development, and actively thwart peer pressure that assumes that the stay-at-home mom is the better mom, because all science finds to the contrary.
I will take big and calculated (and some not-so-calculated) risk. Because that is the only way to grow and change — financially, professionally and personally.
I will seek without guilt or shame work that is exciting, creative and fulfilling.
I will never minimize my professional success — in actuality or perception — in order to appear attractive to men.
I relish that I am role model of earning and professional success for my children. Also, for other women and moms.
I give back. Even — especially — when I feel like I don’t have any more to give, I remember that I can give to others, and that gives me strength.
I accept help. I’m just one woman, I am vulnerable, and I can’t do everything on my own (that would be insane).
I will stumble, fail, eff stuff up in the worst way. Then get back up and go for it again.
I’m never, ever, ever, ever, ever entitled. Ever!
I am capable of so, so much more than I limit myself to. I open myself up to the amazing and impossible.
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Disclaimer: The opinions and ideas expressed in the article are those of the author(s) and are not promoted or endorsed by Bestow or North American Company for Life and Health Insurance®.