Is your spouse distant? Depressed? Are you worried your husband or wife is having an affair?
It is important to know the clues and be on the lookout for signs that your husband or wife wants to leave you.
This article outlines 15 signs your marriage will end in divorce. Here is how to tell if your husband or wants divorce or signs your wife wants to leave you and what you should do if you spot some of the signs:
What are the first signs of divorce?
These are some of the first signs of divorce — according to experts:
1. Sex stops, or sex starts to suck
If you’re still having sex, but the other partner stops caring about your pleasure, or intimate connection, they are checked out emotionally, and a divorce may be next. (Though I did report on weird cases where that chemistry outlives the marriage. Rare, weird but possible!)
What to do now: Pray. Focus on your own wellbeing. They're done.
2. They stop arguing with you
If you’ve been bickering (or screaming) for years about certain issues, and they suddenly stop, they may very well have thrown in the towel.
What to do now: Get online therapy for yourself. Read about my experience with BetterHelp for therapy.
3. He or she spends more time with their own friends or family members than before — and less with you
You may have been your husband or wife’s primary comfort and friend, but now you have been replaced with other people (or a lover, for that matter).
What to do now: See above. Shore up your support system.
4. General contempt and disrespect
If your spouse overall is rude, dismissive and annoyed by you, they may be emotionally done beyond repair.
5. Your husband becomes evasive or stops caring about future plans, whether planning vacations, holidays, home repairs — all now irrelevant because they are out of there
What to do now: Find a divorce lawyer. Many attorneys offer free phone consultations. Find someone who promotes collaborative divorce or mediation, when appropriate.
Learn more about the pros and cons of amicable and uncontested divorce, and see if you qualify for an online divorce:
Financial signs of divorce
6. They are suddenly interested in the family finances, after leaving the money management to the other spouse
From the Wall Street Journal:
“Michael Stutman, past president of the New York state chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says one red flag could come from the spouse who shows new interest in credit-card offers. The spouse could be trying to build up credit in his or her name or be concerned about maintaining access to liquidity during the divorce, he says.”
What to do now: Research all your accounts, collect documents for bank, savings, investments, real estate, debt, loans. Open accounts in your own name to build and maintain credit.
7. Using assets or credit in ways you hadn’t discussed
Say, taking out large sums from a home equity line, unusually high spending on a joint credit card (or worse, one in the other spouse’s name), or withdrawal from investment accounts.
The opening of new accounts or credit cards in their name only is another sign. Or, unusually large cash withdrawals from accounts is another red flag, as is if a spouse stops contributing to investment accounts (because those funds may be stashed away as an exit strategy instead).
What to do now: Shit is now serious. Retain an attorney and move to freeze accounts. Half of this money is likely yours. Keep lots of records.
8. Intercept of financial or legal documents
For example, if tax or investment documents were always mailed to both of you, and suddenly they stopped, your spouse may have signed up to receive them electronically — or snagged them from the USPS, or change account passwords without telling you.
What to do now: Educate yourself about investing and saving if you feel behind. Read: How to start investing to build wealth
9. Lots of talk about how poorly their business is doing
He or she might be planting notions that he has fewer assets and income than in actuality.
What to do now: Focus on your own earning.
If you are under-employed, start searching for a new job or side gig. Read: Top jobs for single moms
Assume you are entitled to alimony as a stay-at-home mom — or terrified you have to pay it? Educate yourself about alimony law, and also understand the negatives of relying on alimony income from an ex.
Also, as women become more successful, more and more moms are paying child support and alimony.
10. Refusal of a stay-at-home parent to get a job, or a lesser-earning spouse to take a higher-paying position
She may be ensuring higher child support or spousal maintenance.
What to do now: Call that lawyer.
11. On the flip side, a spouse may turn down a promotion or overtime to lessen their financial responsibility post-breakup
The less income they report now, the less they have to pay in child support or alimony.
12. You might find strange documents about apartments, or relocation offers around your home
They are looking for a new place to live.
What to do now: Read How is property divided in a divorce and who gets the house?
Other changes in behavior that could be signs of divorce
13. They suddenly focus on their appearance
This might include plastic surgery, major weight-loss, new wardrobe all may be signs of a new lease on life — without you.
What to do now: They are spending frivolously on their future. You need to secure yourself financially. Sock away all the cash you can in an online savings account in your name only. Make sure you have life insurance policies for both of you, as well as estate plans.
14. Sudden interest in the kids
If they are thinking of leaving, and want to make sure they secure their share of custody time with the children, they show uncharacteristic interest in sports, religious, school and other activities, as well as ensure the children spend lots of time with their side of the family.
What to do now: Embrace a 50-50 custody arrangement. You’ll thank me later, no matter how scary or sad that may seem now.
15. They act secretive about their phone messages, texts, mail, and emails. Or: You catch them cheating
There may be an affair at play, or they may be waiting for a call from their lawyer, accountant, real estate agent, or spending time researching alimony law.
Bottom line: What to do if you see signs your spouse is planning to leave
Seeing one or more of these signs? Or maybe your spouse has even gone so far as to file for divorce behind your back.
When one spouse files for divorce, the other can feel blindsided —until weeks and months later, they look back and see all the red flags they were missing, or ignoring, or repeatedly turned down for sex. For years.
In my case, my ex-threatened to leave for months. I was pregnant, and couldn’t believe it — until he left his wedding ring on a shelf where he knew I’d see it. No subtlety there!
“There are often many indications of a pending divorce, but people don’t want to see them or acknowledge that their marriage may be in danger,” says Gretchen Cliburn, a financial planner and certified divorce financial analyst in Springfield, Mo., in Wall Street Journal.
2. If your spouse has filed for divorce, read What to ask for in a divorce to prepare for divorce negotiations and get through this as quickly as possible. Read up on the why and How to divorce like a feminist.
3. Prepare for life as a co-parent: All about healthy co-parenting for the rest of your life
4. Take time to get your finances in order.