I meet most men that I date online.
If you decide you will be dating a man with kids, it's very common for guys with children to write in their dating profiles:
“My kids come first,”
or
“My daughter is the center of my world!”
Should a man put his girlfriend first?
If you ask me should a man put his girlfriend first, here’s my quick answer:
At first, no.
But once the relationship becomes a serious, long-term commitment, the relationship should come before the kids' every whim. However, child wellbeing is first.
More details on:
- Challenges of dating a single parent
- How to date a man with a child
- Great examples of couples putting their kids second
- Emma's takeaway on dating a man with kids
Hey single mom— Do you tell your son he’s the man of the house? 16 tips for raising sons
7 things to know when dating a man with kids
Do these statements ring true to you?
1. “My boyfriend puts his child before me”
This is so common and can be a tricky situation. Especially early in a new relationship with kids, when you crave more time with your man, he prioritizes his children, and you feel left out.
2. You may be introduced as “the new friend”
It’s hard to date when you have kids — it can be confusing and overwhelming, parents can feel guilty and ashamed (whether that is justified or not). Maybe you and your lover don’t really know what to call each other yet, or your boyfriend is worried that saying “girlfriend” will be confusing or overly committal.
Just talk about it ahead of time and be honest about your feelings. Also, be sensitive to how he is feeling and his confusion or overwhelm.
3. “Dating a man with kids and feeling left out”
Perhaps he wants to mostly keep his kids separate from his romantic life, or he is taking slower to blend his relationship with his home life. Or, maybe you expect more from the relationship than is healthy. Or, maybe you each want different things from the relationship.
Consider filling your own life with meaningful friendships, a career, hobbies and fitness. Perhaps your boyfriend will invite you into his homelife if you are less clingy. Or, you will each realize you want different things from the partnership and go your separate ways.
4. Sometimes you will not feel like a priority
When your boyfriend puts his kids first, it is natural to feel left out, and sometimes you will not feel like a priority. And maybe you’re not — after all, your relationship may be new, he may not be that serious about you or the relationship, or maybe he is just busy with things outside of his relationship.
Also: you may be especially vulnerable or needy for reasons that have nothing to do with him, and are issues that you bring to the relationship. Everyone is a human here.
5. “Boyfriend not bonding with my child”
There are so many reasons why a boyfriend/girlfriend does not bond with the other partner's child. These include:
- The child is jealous of the new partner
- The partner is jealous of the child
- Their personalities just don't jibe—just like two adults do not naturally get along, this can be true for a child-adult relationship, too.
Here are some tips:
- Be patient. Once both the partner and child realize there is enough love to go around, everyone may calm down and connect
- Find ways for your boyfriend or girlfriend to spend one-on-one time together. Focus on everyday tasks (rather than big special outings or treats), like a grocery store run, washing the car, or cooking together. Once you remove yourself, they have a chance to create their own bond
- Keep in mind that children go through phases they quickly grow out of, as do adults. Likewise, relationships have ups and downs and seasons.
- Seek outside perspectives. Ask your friends with blended families for advice, and ask them to watch how your new brood interacts — and be open to feedback. Consider therapy.
6. “My boyfriend's child is ruining our relationship”
Or, his kids start to manipulate him and have an upper hand in the family — and he lets them.
Men, just like moms, can feel the pressure to prioritize children above all else. Maybe he feels guilty that he is not with his child's mom, or that he left the relationship, or he wants to be a better father than his own dad.
Or, maybe he is using his child as an excuse not to get close to you. This may be a conscious decision — or it could be percolating at an unconscious level. We all have ways we sabotage relationships out of fear of intimacy, and we need to be aware of red flags when we are dating someone with kids.
7. Some women report feeling unimportant in a relationship
If a man makes a point of consistently prioritizing his children over you, you might feel like you don’t matter in comparison, and feelings of jealousy may start to arise.
Relationships are all about communication, and if you don’t feel like you are an important part of your partner’s life, tell him that — or evaluate whether this is the right relationship for you.
This Reddit user is the perfect example of someone who got into a relationship with a single father without realizing she wouldn’t always be the priority. People in the comments were quick to point out that she was the red flag — not her widowed boyfriend:
I hear that so many times from both women and men who are heartbroken, abused or otherwise disappointed that a relationship or marriage didn't work out. In hindsight, red flags were always there >>
Into older men? Do’s and don’ts for dating an older man
Check out this video of Adrienne Bailon from The Real talking about dating a man with a child:
Is it hard to date a man with kids? Challenges to be aware of:
Yes, it can be hard dating someone with a child because you have to contend with things like custody schedules, ex partners, and eventually meeting his kids. That being said, every single dad has different circumstances, and if you are willing to be flexible, you can have a meaningful relationship with a man who has kids.
When it comes to relationships, I'm fond of saying, “You never really know what goes on between people.”
But there are a few couples in my life who I look to as models of the kind of marriage I'd like one day.
People who really enjoy each other. Respect and support one another.
In these families, the parents put their relationship before the kids. They are the dynamic force around which the family's life orbits. And everyone thrives as a result.
There is lots of research to suggest that a happy marriage is the cornerstone of well-adjusted kids.
Celebrity sex therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., writes in her relationship guide, The Book of Love:
“No matter how sacrilegious it sounds, you need to put your relationship before your children. A strong relationship provides security for your children and demonstrates how a loving, respectful partnership should be. What could be more important?”
That's a tricky proposition for single parents. If you're not in a committed relationship, it is very easy to make your children the prominent focus of your life and tell partners: My kids come first.
After all, children can be so demanding — not to mention fulfilling.
Plus, if you've gone through a divorce or another crisis that landed you as a single parent, you are no doubt concerned about giving your kids extra care and a sense of security.
A few tips for dating single dads that may apply, though of course every dad is unique:
- Be respectful of his time with his kids.
- Be mindful that if he doesn’t have his kids 50% of the time, that may not be his choice.
- He’s the parent — not you.
Continue reading more tips here on dating a man with kids: The benefits of dating a single dad
Red flags when dating a man with kids
Some dating red flags include addiction, violent behavior, poor money management, infidelity, and other forms of undesirable behavior. Although no one is perfect, how your partner chooses to handle those problems is important.
Here’s how to spot red flags when dating a man with kids:
Non-existent or contradictory digital footprint
While not everyone is on social media, you should be able to find something online about him. If your Google search turns up nothing, it’s possible that it’s on purpose. He might be running from the law or not truthful about his identity.
Conversely, a quick check of socials could reveal tons of information that contradicts what he told you, such as:
- Being married or in a committed relationship
- Criminal activity
- Extreme political stances
- Co-parenting drama
Poor dating etiquette
If you decide to go on a first date, pay attention to his behavior. Any of these actions or reactions could be deal breakers:
- Being late or not showing with no explanation or apology
- Being rude to waitstaff
- Getting drunk
- Speaking negatively about his ex
- Starts talking about sex early in the date
- Doesn't ask questions or share his thoughts
- Being disrespectful of your boundaries
While a sick child or parental duties can impact plans, red flags shouldn’t be ignored. Pay attention to common red flags to ensure that you are walking into a healthy relationship and keep your eyes open for bad behavior as you progress and get to know him better.
Signs of narcissistic behavior
Narcissists are all about themselves. They often lack empathy for others, require and show excessive admiration, and see themselves as superior to others.
Here are some relationship red flags that you are dating a man with a narcissistic personality:
- He showers you with excessive gifts early in the relationship and may pressure you to return the favor
- He calls you names or lashes out at you if you don’t agree with his point of view
- He gaslights you — making you feel crazy for bringing up issues about you relationship that bother you
Even if he does not show these behaviors toward you, watch how he treats others, especially his children.
You can always do a background check on someone who seems shady:
Consumed with their past, their child, or themselves
Does he always talk about his ex? Does he only talk about his child? Maybe he makes it a point to talk only about himself, taking over any conversation you try to have. Be aware of how you communicate with each other. It can be a telltale sign that something is not right.
No access to family or friends
If you’re seriously dating but have never met his child, family, or friends, you should ask why. It can be normal to wait to introduce a new person, but if the timeframe is excessive (a year or more), there could be an issue.
Pros and cons of dating a man with kids
While dating can be a fulfilling experience, there are some pros and cons to consider when dating a man with kids:
Pros of dating a man with kids
- If you progress in your relationship you’ll get a chance to meet his kids. Getting to know them and being a part of their lives can be rewarding.
- You get to see how he treats his children and the mother of his children, so you know what you’re potentially getting into. Is he patient? Loving? Responsible? If so, he’ll probably make a great partner and parent if you eventually have kids.
- You’ll cherish the moments you spend together because time is often limited.
- As a girlfriend, the responsibility of raising children is not in your hands. But you get a real-world look at what life would be like if you had children of your own.
Cons of dating a man with kids
- His kids will come first. He can’t provide the kind of spontaneity you might crave. Even with planning, expect cancellations if his child isn’t feeling well or needs him at the last minute.
- His kids might not accept you at first. It’s nothing personal. Just be yourself and give them time to warm up to you.
- Eventually, you’ll probably have to interact with his kids’ mom. This can be stressful depending on the circumstances of the former relationship.
- If he has full physical custody and his children are young, it will be hard to have alone time with him.
Dating a man with kids FAQs
Is dating a man with a child worth it?
Emyli Lovz, dating coach for men and co-founder of emlovz, a matchmaking and coaching business, says dating a man with a child can absolutely be worth it.
“If he's a loving father, it shows that he has the capacity for deep love, that he can nurture others, and that he's responsible (hopefully),” she says. “It's best if the woman is also a mother so they can better understand one another and the priorities that come with being a parent.”
This single father on Reddit wanted to know what women thought about dating a man with a child:
These Reddit users shared their thoughts and experiences about dating a man with kids:
What about those who say never date a man with a child?
Never is a strong word. Lovz says we should be wary of people who use blanket statements about who you should and shouldn't date.
“It’s about the person, not the checklist,” Lovz says. “As a mother, if I was ever to become single, I would want to date someone who also understood parenthood.”
This Redditor agrees that it helps to have the common ground of parenthood when dating a man with kids:
Meanwhile, some have decided that never is the right word for how they feel about dating a man with children:
Ultimately, it will boil down to personal preferences, details, and experiences. Whether dating a single mom or a single father, you have to make sure that the choice is right for you and consider the benefits and consequences.
Should I be dating a man with a baby on the way?
When a baby is on the way, you need to consider whether dating is a good idea. Lovz says you might be involving yourself in an emotional tornado. However, it will all depend on the context.
“You might want to understand why he isn't in a relationship with the woman having his child,” she says.
Here’s what some Reddit users thought about dating a man with a baby on the way:
Bottom line: Emma’s final word on dating a man with kids
If you find yourself dating a man with kids, remember that he is juggling parenthood with his desire to date, he may or may not want more kids, and he may prioritize his kids over you — at least for now.
You may be hesitant to date a guy with children but find yourself surprised by this new relationship with both him and his children — or you may be satisfied with spending time alone with him during the time his kids are with their mom, and keeping that part of his life separate.
When dating a man with kids, be open to some magic, while also honoring your own dating goals and feelings — pretty much like every other relationship.
No. But once the relationship becomes a serious, long-term commitment, the relationship should come before the kids' every whim. However, child wellbeing is first.
I actually don’t agree with anything you’re saying. You should never put your spouse before your kids. If my spouse promised me the world when we got married and then three years later did a complete 180 and did the exact opposite. Turned into a violent, drunken idiot, beating my kids every night, I would break every bone in their body if they laid a finger on my kids.
Exactly! Or if you known your kids longer than your second or third husband why should a new spouse come before the history you had with your kids you bore out of your own body? if you knew your daughter 35 years longer than the new husband why should he get everything when you die when you were only married to him for 3 years? and then he turns around and leaves everything to his own kids. If it did not work out the first time and then why does the second lover get to be first over your children? this article makes no sense to me, the marriage which bore the children didn’t work out the first time yet the mother chooses to put a new man above her kids? Spouses can cheat and fall out of love naturally, and want out, but your kids are your kids biologically you cannot divorce your child you can a spouse
Email: dr_mack@yahoo. com, He is the truth…. He can…turn your heartbreak to joy…. contact him if you want your Ex-lover back.
Man I hate to burst your oh so Don’t you dare sit there typing on your computers that because my mom was a parent she couldn’t date. Don’t give me that BS pain that kids experience when her partner is adult authority. After what my mom went through she has the ultimate right to date and marry whenever and whoever she pleases. My mom doesn’t owe me $hit. As a kid I got my a$$ wooped if I was out of line. I wasnt too bad of a kid but as anyone I did a lot of stupid $h!t. So don’t you ever say that my mom can’t have a slice of the pie. My mom comes before I do because of everything she has done for me. Her and her husband are a couple and I greet them as such. I want her husband to know I have respect and that I value marriage. I’m not perfect but ill be damned if I step in the way of someone else’s happiness. I never felt victimized because my mother had a significant other. I wish I had stricter parents growing up..maybe I would not have made the mistakes I made. Quit backing people in a corner like they can’t ever go out and have a life…parents don’t just fall over and weakly lay down to rest their brital bones once they have kids. I don’t need to go to lunch with my mom everyday and I’m not all bent out of shape about it but I will help my them if I have a necessary resource that is handy by all means it theirs.
I think that as a single parent, the best relationship will be with another single parent. NOT with one that doesn’t have children. I myself found a guy without children and I myself don’t have children. Perfect match! And we can make our own without all that drama involved if one of us had children.
The man who has asked me to marry him is overly devoted to his adult son. When he first told me his ex wife hated his son(she was not the maternal mom). I thought how terrible she was. Now, I understand what she went through. His life revolves around his son. In order for him to make a decision, he must ask his son. If he wants to make a purchase, his son must accompany him. It’s getting to the point where I believe HE put his son between the ex wife and the son. His son is constantly in need of money, and we’re not talking hundreds, but thousands and dad gives into him no matter what. I’ve talked to him very gently but if course, he denies that he caused the dislike between them. My fear is that soon I will feel the same resentment once I say, “I do!”
Why do you want to marry someone you fear will put you in 2nd? If you already fear it, it won’t be better. Sometimes I don’t understand some women…
Good question! Thanks for the warning, Pop!
Hi Emma,
Thank you for this article. This is so critically important. I’m shocked at all the naysayers here! I am post-divorce and this is something I really struggle with, particularly with my family. I am making the time for myself and they volunteer to “help” but it comes with strings attached. If they offer to babysit, and my planned activity involves a date, I know I’ll be hearing about how I’m “harming my kids”. Oh please, as if I’m supposed to become a born-again virgin?! Stop being a person? So now, I’m actually working with my ex more on co-parenting and hiring babysitters. I don’t want “free” help that comes with the judgment of 30 Yiddish grandmothers!
My job is to raise my children into responsible, independent adults. This cannot be accomplished by being in their faces 24 hours a day. It’s accomplished by me modeling to them how happy, independent adults live. By giving them time and space to be with other people, to learn to do things for themselves! I LOVE your take on this and wholeheartedly agree!
Well said and totally agree, Katrina!
I think most single parents will always put their kids first when they just start dating you, This is completely normal and it doesn’t mean that the single parent you are dating doesn’t care about you. However, if this continues after three months of dating it is a sign that you two should have a conversation. In other words, give the single parent you are dating some time to adjust to the fact that since you both are dating you are becoming as important as his or her kids.
It is hard to be in love with someone who always puts you in the second spot even though you already dated for the last several months.
Well said, totally agree. Thanks!
I’m not for or against this article. But after reading a few of the comments, I will say if you aren’t in a position to put someone you’re considering to marry first in your life, you probably shouldn’t waste everyone’s time. I’m a single mom myself & haven’t remarried. I’m not against it, but if I can’t be a complete wife & loving mother then I don’t need to lead anyone on to believe I can. So go ahead & coddle your kids. Make sure they understand just how special & all consuming they are just because their parents divorced. But don’t complain when those kids are grown & miserable because no one else on their world will ever treat them that way. Bad things happen in life. Divorce is horrible for all involved. Sometimes it’s necessary, sometimes not. But you’re not helping your kids out in life by making them the center of anyone’s universe. That’s not reality & it’s best they deal with that whether their parents are still married or divorced.
Yay for you Melody! I am in complete agreement! This idea that children must be the center of the universe is damaging to us as adults and to them and their future development as people. Children must learn they are NOT the center of our, or anyone else’s universe. Their happiness should be something they learn to create themselves, not rely on others for.
If our children are safe, fed, clothed, and have a stable place to lay their heads, we are succeeding!!
Thank you, Katrina/Melody! Kids as primary focus?? That just isn’t possible, otherwise the biological parents would still be together under the same roof being loving and “incredible” parents with just the right recipe for raising a “perfect” child, they would never run their errands with the kids in the car (because that certainly isn’t making the kid their #1 priority), they wouldn’t go work (doing a job they love) and just play with the kids and answer to their needs only, etc. It doesn’t exist and if it is like that… you aren’t doing your kids any favors. And even more damaging to tell kids they are the #1 priority. They will possibly resent and distrust you if you do anything for you! It won’t make sense to them. And What does #1 priority actually even mean? What are you going to tell your new partner – sorry your needs come always come second to my kids. Why would anyone want to be in that relationship? You got a divorce, and other people are involved. If you do want that.. it sounds like either you are dating your kids or your 8 year old is calling the shots. An 8 year old should not be calling the shots of your adult life. Not to mention an 8 year old has no problem telling you what their needs are, you should have no problem discussing your needs as well – and working together to find a solution that works for everyone in the world you are living in today…. not yesterday of what used to be or the world you feel sorry didn’t work out. Join today and make it great. Or if you do want to make your kids the only priority, I am imagine the only partner will to accept that someone who considers second to everything in life…. and then ask yourself…. what is that type of personality teaching your kids? Do you want your kids to either model after someone who treats themselves as second or it is okay to treat other people as less important?
Well said, Katrina/Melody/Ash!
I must agree with the author I was a single mother and I knew how to balance raising my child ensuring that he had all the things needed to be safe stable and Loved and just have all the other necessities and then some that you need in life to be productive. that was my role of being his mother but on the other hand I had a life too so I knew how to balance between taking care of my child making sure he’s happy safe and healthy but that does not control 100% of my life if my child needed urgent care of course that’s top priority but if I am out on a date and my child just wants me to come home just because then he can forget about it and wait until I return. I think making your kids believe they are the end all be all it’s really a disservice to them especially as they get older. You never know where your situation will end up and should your grown children control and be top priority The as well? my child is 24 years old now and he’s fine he never felt neglected or not loved or anything but I maintained relationships outside of him so dating men that put their kids before me all the time won’t work I understand there are some instances but all the time hex no! if a man cannot balance how he manages time with his kids then he just needs to be with his kids and not pursue any dating outside of that unless the woman is comfortable with that. most men I date now still have younger children because I was a young mother and the funny thing is some of these men would not date me with a child as being a young mother but now that I am 40 and my child is 24 some of the same men who are probably in divorced relationships or broken up with girlfriends and have children now they think that I am supposed to accept their children and their time schedules and what they want to do when they did not want to do that for me when my child was young. I even had an ex ask could I do his daughter’s hair…WTF?!? so I say you have to have a healthy balance or just focus on your kids and get to a point where you’re ready to devote some time to your mate as simple as that!
Hi all. I read the post and a few comments. This helps me a single father of 5 kids to set my principle in my relationship with my girlfriend who is a single mom of 2 adorable Kids! . I agree mainly witj Eric Javier Sarah & Bruce with the following “nuance”. I apply a priority to my kids with a progressive increasing importance to my Love partner and her kids. This is a process, not a binary on/off decision. I make sure to set romantic periods with exclusive focus to my woman. I do the sames with the kids with some occasional “group” activities with all “family” members involved. This is an exciting process! Believe me :-)
I date a man and somehow his daughter has moved in with me. I pick her up, I take her home and she lives with me. I have NO time with him. I work two jobs and am caregiver to my mom so there is no intimacy. He’s always too tired when he gets home at night and in fact has begun going home with his son who now lives with him at about 6:30.
This morning his daughter called me. She never calls me until it’s the weekend. She wanted to know if she could bring her friend over. Where I work the cell phone doesn’t ring and there is no reception. I normally don’t pay much attention to it. I didn’t get her call so he called me to tell me that her friend was coming over. They never ask I just get her and whoever every weekend and he goes home and goes to bed.
I just told him that his kids come first and always will do whatever he wanted to so he is taking them all to his house. He thinks I’m jealous but I’m not. I’m just tired of everyone assuming it’s OK to come over every single weekend. My mom is sick and has dementia. Kids screaming and cursing all the time is upsetting to her and some weekends I just want it quiet for her. I guess this is my weekend. But at what cost.
Hi, Gwen, thanks for sharing. I’m in similar situation, dating a guy with a kid. I ended up being the nanny while I also work a full-time job and care for an aging mother. He comes home often very tired due to his job and we have no intimacy or hardly any date night. When I tried to communicate to him about my frustration, he told me I’m jealous of his kid, with whom I have spent much energy, time and money. Now I’m thinking the same: But at what cost?!
I am currently dating a divorced woman with a 3 year old daughter.
I got involved with my girlfriend knowing that her daughter is her number 1 priority. I would not expect it to be any other way.
I do think there is a difference between being a priority and being the only priority. Making a child believe that they are the be all and end all of a parents existence does them no favours at all. The priority (in my mind) is to make sure they feel loved, safe and secure. This is all totally possible while still maintaining a healthy, adult relationship. It just takes a lot of patience, understanding and communication.
Little ones need to learn what a healthy relationship is. I feel responsible for showing my ladies daughter how a man treats a woman so it is an important aspect of life that she is being exposed to. To turn around and dismiss relationships all together would be sending the wrong message.
So I guess what I am trying to say here is that its not about making any particular people a priority but rather about prioritizing your priorities in a healthy way. i.e. balance.
Very well said, and I agree Bruce.
Well said, Bruce!
Wow, no. It was your choice to have a child, and then become single. Your love life comes second to your children, especially when they are too young to understand. Being a child that was constantly put in harms way because of a selfish mother who thought exactly like this, I couldn’t disagree more with you. Narcassism is strong with this article.
Why is it whenever the moment a woman is thinking for herself, she is being labeled “selfish”? This is not the 19th century. Go read Kate Chopin’s “Awakening”. The writer of this article is a professional single mom. You can disagree but this has nothing to with narcissism. Instead, it has everything to do with self-care, self-love, and self-esteem.
No, no, no, and no. A million times no. I will never put anyone or anything in front of my kids. Especially a selfish woman who demands to be first. I got rid of one selfish bitch – no way I’ll let another infect my life.
So glad guys like you will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER have a chance to have any meaningful loving relationship and connection again with women.
Mr. John, Please stay in your cave with your offspring and away from women. We appreciate you let it out here. Bravo!
I wrote a message earlier. I put a very good case across why children should come first. You rejected it for publishing on your site despite my filling in the correct fields. I guess I hit a nerve and rubbished your case. Nevermind. I pity your children and the other selfish lady who admits in writing she loves her husband more than her kids. Who says things like that? Shame on you both.
I do not agree that a person after divorcing the father or mother of their children should put their new partner first….I do believe to be a good thing when it’s the parents of the kids (staying married). I think the problem now a days is exactly this!! Putting focus on the new partner instead of focusing on themselves & the kids. Today a lor of people believe that is finding someone that makes them feel great is happiness, but it is NOT!!! If a person is not happy with themselves, NO other person will make then happy!!
Again, I’m not saying to leave your date or your new partner hanging every time your kid/s break a nail or something small….I’m talking about the important things that will impact your child when he/she grows up!
I haven’t read all the comments as there are a lot but I have read enough to feel I would like to express my views. I think Emma misses the point of being a parent in the first place. I understand life happens and everyone deserves to be happy (I am a divorced mum of two amazing kids and I am now engaged to an amazing man). Yes of course it’s hard work integrating a new person into an established family with children but most things worth having don’t come easy. To me, the point of being a parent is providing a stable, loving home, ensuring that your children know how important they are and that their needs are seen as a priority. How a child is treated in their childhood sets them up for life. Children that feel important and loved will no doubt grow up feeling secure and have good self esteem and that is the job you take on as parent. It’s the most important job a person can have in their life, being responsible for the how another person will feel about themselves throughout the rest of their life. It should not be taken lightly. It is not a lifestyle choice it’s is a huge responsibility. My children are shared equally between their dad and I and the children enjoy two stable loving households with two sets of loving parents. My partner does not have children of his own at the moment but he loves me and makes the biggest effort he can with the children. in turn they love him and he loves them. it’s not always easy but family life isn’t anyway. MY partner knows how much I love him but he knows and accepts I have to put the kids needs first as does he. We have time together when the kids are with their dad and put the kids at the centre of our world when we have them. My partner sometimes does boy stuff with my son and I spend time with my daughter. Children should come first. Any decent parent would think that. Emma, if you are just dating people they certainly do not deserve to come before your children. You are putting yourself first there. I think if everyone put the kids needs so that mums and dads got equal access, then step families would be easier too. I know this is not always possible but a selfless attitude towards kids should always be the priority to me. Taking the decision to have children is a massive responsibility and the least a parent can do is ensure they are given the best childhood possible to give them the best start in life. Yes the kids will put their partners first as an adult but that’s totally different. Parents make sacrifices not children. That’s how it works. ALl I want is for my kids to grow up stable and happy. I want them to find a loving partner and enjoy life. I have the capacity and maturity to love both my children and partner and show them this. We try our best to be a family. Anyone who tries to justify being a selfish parent should look at the outcome of their work in twenty, thirty, forty years. If their children are functional and happy people, then great. Its fine to put your kids second. But you won’t know until it’s too late. Is it really works the risk?? To fail at the most important and precious job given to you in life? I don’t think so.
I haven’t read all the comments as there are a lot but I have read enough to feel I would like to express my views. I think Emma misses the point of being a parent in the first place. I understand life happens and everyone deserves to be happy (I am a divorced mum of two amazing kids and I am now engaged to an amazing man). Yes of course it’s hard work integrating a new person into an established family with children but most things worth having don’t come easy. To me, the point of being a parent is providing a stable, loving home, ensuring that your children know how important they are and that their needs are seen as a priority. How a child is treated in their childhood sets them up for life. Children that feel important and loved will no doubt grow up feeling secure and have good self esteem and that is the job you take on as parent. It’s the most important job a person can have in their life, being responsible for the how another person will feel about themselves throughout the rest of their life. It should not be taken lightly. It is not a lifestyle choice it’s is a huge responsibility. My children are shared equally between their dad and I and the children enjoy two stable loving households with two sets of loving parents. My partner does not have children of his own at the moment but he loves me and makes the biggest effort he can with the children. in turn they love him and he loves them. it’s not always easy but family life isn’t anyway. MY partner knows how much I love him but he knows and accepts I have to put the kids needs first as does he. We have time together when the kids are with their dad and put the kids at the centre of our world when we have them. My partner sometimes does boy stuff with my son and I spend time with my daughter. Children should come first. Any decent parent would think that. Emma, if you are just dating people they certainly do not deserve to come before your children. You are putting yourself first there. I think if everyone put the kids needs so that mums and dads got equal access, then step families would be easier too. I know this is not always possible but a selfless attitude towards kids should always be the priority to me. Taking the decision to have children is a massive responsibility and the least a parent can do is ensure they are given the best childhood possible to give them the best start in life. Yes the kids will put their partners first as an adult but that’s totally different. Parents make sacrifices not children. That’s how it works. ALl I want is for my kids to grow up stable and happy. I want them to find a loving partner and enjoy life. I have the capacity and maturity to love both my children and partner and show them this. We try our best to be a family. Anyone who tries to justify being a selfish parent should look at the outcome of their work in twenty, thirty, forty years. If their children are functional and happy people, then great. Its fine to put your kids second. But you won’t know until it’s too late. Is it really works the risk?? To fail at the most important and precious job given to you in life? I don’t think so.
This article is frightening to me. What I have read is that you have had bad experiences dating men that are in and of themselves not good examples of what fathers and men should be. I myself have dated women who would ditch their children in a minute for a man and expect that man to do the same for them. They have also expected me to fill my every thought with them and take every available moment to spend it with them as well. No matter what you say this is not reality.
The authors and articles you reference, you are taking out of context to sell your article. They are referring to relationships where the husband and wife are the biological parents of the children. In this case, the husband and wife come first. They were together before the children and that relationship comes first! This is also the foundation for every example of a relationship your children will learn. Joining 2 different families together with their own history (hurts and memories) does not put you or any other person at the top of the list above the children. One day over time, emotional growth and trust will allow someone to become close to the same level as ones own children. There are unique situations such as the death of a spouse that requires a different and careful approach.
You as a women chose to give birth to these children, with that choice comes a responsibility! The same goes for the father! All this article promotes is the narcissistic society that we currently live in.
With all that being said, I agree there needs to be balance. There does need to be personal and adult time. However, as a single father I have found many ways to take physical care of myself, perform as expected in my career, and have a personal life without making my kids feel like I am running out the door to fill a personal void.
For 2 years after my divorce, I put my kids before myself. When my ex got remarried (after 21 girlfriends and yes, we counted), I took back a former “date” that had been in rehab. My adult, already moved out of the house, kids, took serious exception to this and are now not speaking to me. Worse, they are tainting the one that still lives at home. This man has been nothing but good and decent to me. In spite of the fact that one of the ones not speaking to me has been to rehab. they have become judge, jury, and executioner to this man. Their ultimatium to me is that if I don’t dump this man, they will never again speak to me or allow me to see my grandchildren. I’m caught in the middle and they won’t even talk to this guy so they don’t even know him. Worse, these kids told me I shouldn’t ever date or go out with anyone ever again and that if I live with someone or remarry they will have nothing to do with me. Oddly, they already aren’t having anything to do with me except to lecture me about the man I am with. I still spend quality time with my daughter who is at home and stay in contact with one of the children that has moved out on a regular basis. The other 2 won’t speak to me at all. Talk about a dilemma. I’m to be single forever?
No, forget about your adult children and start to live your own life now, please!
Forget the kids? What a beautiful piece of advice (but not) what an example of a mother you would be (but not)
Heck, I have a girlfriend that not only puts her kids first, but her ex husband as well. We dated for years and being where her kids can see their dad is more important than being with me. I have kids myself and have offered to move to where she is. But she doesn’t want to get married, even though she says she loves me. I feel she’s trying to look good in his eyes because of what’s happen in their failed marriage. I was the reason she finally left him. But there were other major problems before I was involved. I think she’s trying to make things up by sacrificing her happiness for him because she blames herself still for her situation. She has so much to offer and is a wonderful girl. But will not commit. I keep holding on hoping she will change her mind. She sacrifices for her ex and I sacrifice and wait for her. When we are together it’s amazing. When we are apart I get doubt and insecurity and Jealousy from her because she believes I’m talking to other girls. Which is the fartherest from the truth. It’s a vicious cycle. And of course I’m in Love which blinds me to a certain extent. She’s not living her life to her full potential and neither am I.
I was in a similar situation before. LEAVE. Find somebody or live alone to live a full life!
You were a woman’s lover and you think you have the right to demand something? What is this, the pole pissing on the dog
And what prevents them from dating after they are old?
I understand putting your spouse first if you are still married to the mom/dad of the child. However, the dynamics change if you are single. It’s one thing to take care of yourself, going to the gym, eating well, regular dentist visits, etc, but to put a stranger (someone you’re dating) first is not ok. That is how you get those stories about kids getting molested or killed by a parent’s significant other and wondered why the parent would allow such horror to happen to their children.
There are also plenty of stories that step parents nurture, care, love and raise their partners’ kids. Stop the stereotypical bias towards step parents!
Another note, many single parents who center their lives, especially emotionally, around their children end up damaging both theiir children and themselves in the end. Many such single parents also feel lonely and depressed when they are older, regretting not having a new life partner for the sake of kids. My own mom was an example. I love her, but she in the end confessed to me, and both my brother and I wished she had remarried after my dad passed away.
Once you have kids they come before you and anyone else. If you don’t believe that you’re a peice of shit. I’d expect this attitude from someone who doesn’t have kids but coming from someone who has them? Fuck you. The author of this article is trash.
The way you write makes you dis-qualified for commenting. I feel sad for your kids if you have any and I hope your kids will not grow up like you.
If you’re going to date while having children, do your best to keep the kids out of it. Date behind their backs on the nights you drop them off with the sitter or with their friends. And if you know if its not going to work out well (like your marriage), then you probably shouldn’t let those influences affect your home life in the first place, if you know you aren’t emotionally equipt to handl
. I’ve seen my mom go into depressions because of her relationship problems with her boyfriend, and I don’t think its ever fair for the child who already has to deal with a divorce, and a father who they can’t live with, to then deal with another breakup, their fatherish-figure no longer being around, and their only sense of security and stability (their main parent) no longer being completely there due to their emotional turmoil.
No you shouldn’t live “for” your kids, but pretending that they’re just furniture in your house, and aren’t affected by your breakups and whoever you bring into your home, is obsessively narcissistic and inconsiderate. Don’t think for a second it isn’t messing with their sense of stability, security or who they can trust. When you have kids, you are obligated to them. Period. Just like any commitment in life. You can’t put yourself before two undeveloped persons you brought into the world, who are in the most sensitive phase of their entire life.
The subsequent time I learn a weblog, I hope that it doesnt fpfoggd disappoint me as a lot as this one. I imply, I do know it was my choice to read, but I actually thought youd have something fascinating to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could fix if you happen to werent too busy on the lookout for attention.
You have to find the right fit. Thats the point of dating, don’t take it personal. If a girl dumps me for leaving to go handle my fatherly duties well, good because she wasn’t right for me. Its all a test, just stand back and watch what happens. Now that same girlfriend could be loving and understanding, appreciate a good man, father, and take note that he is being responsible.
Making a spouse a top priority is very, very different than making the chick you just met on Tinder a top priority. All the examples you gave of a dad losing relationships because he put his kids first are great examples of the dad willing to let go of relationships that would interfere with his kids. Reading that he got up and left in the middle of the date because his son called upset actually made me admire this guy.
Single parents just don’t have the same amount of time or attention to give to someone they are dating that someone who doesn’t have kids will have. Dating single parents is not for everyone. If you can’t handle the lack of attention, don’t date single parents. Really, though. I know it sucks because there are a lot of awesome single parents who you can have great connections with, but it’s just not fair to either person in these situations. It’s not fair to the person who feels neglected, forgotten, and unimportant, and it’s not fair to the person who is being pressured to change their relationship with their child for someone else’s benefit, and its CERTAINLY not fair to the CHILD. Can you imagine if your relationship with your parent was so unpredictable because it depended on whatever the person they were dating at that time wanted?
I was a single mom when I started dating my boyfriend, who was a single dad. Neither of us had much time to spend with the other. Both of us were parents first, and we both respected that about the other person. Honestly, though, if I hadn’t been so busy with my own child, I think the lack of attention and quality time with my boyfriend would have really bothered me. I’m pretty sure the only reason it worked is because we were both busy with our kids. Neither of us were sitting at home just wishing the other would make time for us. Our relationship progressed very slowly, but it progressed steadily and our kids had plenty of time to adapt to the slowing changing dynamics.