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7 things you need to know before dating a man with kids in 2024

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I meet most men that I date online. 

If you decide you will be dating a man with kids, it's very common for guys with children to write in their dating profiles:

“My kids come first,”

or

“My daughter is the center of my world!”

Should a man put his girlfriend first?

If you ask me should a man put his girlfriend first, here’s my quick answer:

At first, no.

But once the relationship becomes a serious, long-term commitment, the relationship should come before the kids' every whim. However, child wellbeing is first.

More details on:

Hey single mom— Do you tell your son he’s the man of the house? 16 tips for raising sons

7 things to know when dating a man with kids

Do these statements ring true to you?

1. “My boyfriend puts his child before me”

This is so common and can be a tricky situation. Especially early in a new relationship with kids, when you crave more time with your man, he prioritizes his children, and you feel left out.

2. You may be introduced as “the new friend”

It’s hard to date when you have kids — it can be confusing and overwhelming, parents can feel guilty and ashamed (whether that is justified or not). Maybe you and your lover don’t really know what to call each other yet, or your boyfriend is worried that saying “girlfriend” will be confusing or overly committal. 

Just talk about it ahead of time and be honest about your feelings. Also, be sensitive to how he is feeling and his confusion or overwhelm.

3. “Dating a man with kids and feeling left out”

Perhaps he wants to mostly keep his kids separate from his romantic life, or he is taking slower to blend his relationship with his home life. Or, maybe you expect more from the relationship than is healthy. Or, maybe you each want different things from the relationship.

Consider filling your own life with meaningful friendships, a career, hobbies and fitness. Perhaps your boyfriend will invite you into his homelife if you are less clingy. Or, you will each realize you want different things from the partnership and go your separate ways.

4. Sometimes you will not feel like a priority

When your boyfriend puts his kids first, it is natural to feel left out, and sometimes you will not feel like a priority. And maybe you’re not — after all, your relationship may be new, he may not be that serious about you or the relationship, or maybe he is just busy with things outside of his relationship. 

Also: you may be especially vulnerable or needy for reasons that have nothing to do with him, and are issues that you bring to the relationship. Everyone is a human here. 

5. “Boyfriend not bonding with my child”

There are so many reasons why a boyfriend/girlfriend does not bond with the other partner's child. These include:

  • The child is jealous of the new partner
  • The partner is jealous of the child
  • Their personalities just don't jibe—just like two adults do not naturally get along, this can be true for a child-adult relationship, too.

Here are some tips:

  • Be patient. Once both the partner and child realize there is enough love to go around, everyone may calm down and connect
  • Find ways for your boyfriend or girlfriend to spend one-on-one time together. Focus on everyday tasks (rather than big special outings or treats), like a grocery store run, washing the car, or cooking together. Once you remove yourself, they have a chance to create their own bond
  • Keep in mind that children go through phases they quickly grow out of, as do adults. Likewise, relationships have ups and downs and seasons.
  • Seek outside perspectives. Ask your friends with blended families for advice, and ask them to watch how your new brood interacts — and be open to feedback. Consider therapy.

6. “My boyfriend's child is ruining our relationship”

Or, his kids start to manipulate him and have an upper hand in the family — and he lets them.

Men, just like moms, can feel the pressure to prioritize children above all else. Maybe he feels guilty that he is not with his child's mom, or that he left the relationship, or he wants to be a better father than his own dad.

Or, maybe he is using his child as an excuse not to get close to you. This may be a conscious decision — or it could be percolating at an unconscious level. We all have ways we sabotage relationships out of fear of intimacy, and we need to be aware of red flags when we are dating someone with kids.

7. Some women report feeling unimportant in a relationship

If a man makes a point of consistently prioritizing his children over you, you might feel like you don’t matter in comparison, and feelings of jealousy may start to arise.

Relationships are all about communication, and if you don’t feel like you are an important part of your partner’s life, tell him that — or evaluate whether this is the right relationship for you. 

This Reddit user is the perfect example of someone who got into a relationship with a single father without realizing she wouldn’t always be the priority. People in the comments were quick to point out that she was the red flag — not her widowed boyfriend: 


I hear that so many times from both women and men who are heartbroken, abused or otherwise disappointed that a relationship or marriage didn't work out. In hindsight, red flags were always there >>

Relationship experts say these are the most common red flags in dating and relationships.

Into older men? Do’s and don’ts for dating an older man

Check out this video of Adrienne Bailon from The Real talking about dating a man with a child:

Is it hard to date a man with kids? Challenges to be aware of:

Yes, it can be hard dating someone with a child because you have to contend with things like custody schedules, ex partners, and eventually meeting his kids. That being said, every single dad has different circumstances, and if you are willing to be flexible, you can have a meaningful relationship with a man who has kids. 

When it comes to relationships, I'm fond of saying, “You never really know what goes on between people.” 

But there are a few couples in my life who I look to as models of the kind of marriage I'd like one day.

People who really enjoy each other. Respect and support one another.

In these families, the parents put their relationship before the kids. They are the dynamic force around which the family's life orbits. And everyone thrives as a result.

There is lots of research to suggest that a happy marriage is the cornerstone of well-adjusted kids.

Celebrity sex therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., writes in her relationship guide, The Book of Love:

“No matter how sacrilegious it sounds, you need to put your relationship before your children. A strong relationship provides security for your children and demonstrates how a loving, respectful partnership should be. What could be more important?”

That's a tricky proposition for single parents. If you're not in a committed relationship, it is very easy to make your children the prominent focus of your life and tell partners: My kids come first.

After all, children can be so demanding — not to mention fulfilling.

Plus, if you've gone through a divorce or another crisis that landed you as a single parent, you are no doubt concerned about giving your kids extra care and a sense of security.

A few tips for dating single dads that may apply, though of course every dad is unique:

  • Be respectful of his time with his kids. 
  • Be mindful that if he doesn’t have his kids 50% of the time, that may not be his choice.
  • He’s the parent — not you.

Continue reading more tips here on dating a man with kids: The benefits of dating a single dad

Red flags when dating a man with kids

Some dating red flags include addiction, violent behavior, poor money management, infidelity, and other forms of undesirable behavior. Although no one is perfect, how your partner chooses to handle those problems is important.

Here’s how to spot red flags when dating a man with kids:

Non-existent or contradictory digital footprint

While not everyone is on social media, you should be able to find something online about him. If your Google search turns up nothing, it’s possible that it’s on purpose. He might be running from the law or not truthful about his identity. 

Conversely, a quick check of socials could reveal tons of information that contradicts what he told you, such as:

  • Being married or in a committed relationship
  • Criminal activity
  • Extreme political stances
  • Co-parenting drama

Poor dating etiquette

If you decide to go on a first date, pay attention to his behavior. Any of these actions or reactions could be deal breakers:

  • Being late or not showing with no explanation or apology
  • Being rude to waitstaff
  • Getting drunk
  • Speaking negatively about his ex
  • Starts talking about sex early in the date
  • Doesn't ask questions or share his thoughts
  • Being disrespectful of your boundaries

While a sick child or parental duties can impact plans, red flags shouldn’t be ignored. Pay attention to common red flags to ensure that you are walking into a healthy relationship and keep your eyes open for bad behavior as you progress and get to know him better.

Signs of narcissistic behavior

Narcissists are all about themselves. They often lack empathy for others, require and show excessive admiration, and see themselves as superior to others. 

Here are some relationship red flags that you are dating a man with a narcissistic personality:

  • He showers you with excessive gifts early in the relationship and may pressure you to return the favor
  • He calls you names or lashes out at you if you don’t agree with his point of view
  • He gaslights you — making you feel crazy for bringing up issues about you relationship that bother you

Even if he does not show these behaviors toward you, watch how he treats others, especially his children.

You can always do a background check on someone who seems shady:

Consumed with their past, their child, or themselves

Does he always talk about his ex? Does he only talk about his child? Maybe he makes it a point to talk only about himself, taking over any conversation you try to have. Be aware of how you communicate with each other. It can be a telltale sign that something is not right.

No access to family or friends

If you’re seriously dating but have never met his child, family, or friends, you should ask why. It can be normal to wait to introduce a new person, but if the timeframe is excessive (a year or more), there could be an issue.

Pros and cons of dating a man with kids

While dating can be a fulfilling experience, there are some pros and cons to consider when dating a man with kids:

Pros of dating a man with kids 

  • If you progress in your relationship you’ll get a chance to meet his kids. Getting to know them and being a part of their lives can be rewarding.
  • You get to see how he treats his children and the mother of his children, so you know what you’re potentially getting into. Is he patient? Loving? Responsible? If so, he’ll probably make a great partner and parent if you eventually have kids.
  • You’ll cherish the moments you spend together because time is often limited.
  • As a girlfriend, the responsibility of raising children is not in your hands. But you get a real-world look at what life would be like if you had children of your own.

Cons of dating a man with kids

  • His kids will come first. He can’t provide the kind of spontaneity you might crave. Even with planning, expect cancellations if his child isn’t feeling well or needs him at the last minute. 
  • His kids might not accept you at first. It’s nothing personal. Just be yourself and give them time to warm up to you.
  • Eventually, you’ll probably have to interact with his kids’ mom. This can be stressful depending on the circumstances of the former relationship. 
  • If he has full physical custody and his children are young, it will be hard to have alone time with him.

Dating a man with kids FAQs

Is dating a man with a child worth it?

Emyli Lovz, dating coach for men and co-founder of emlovz, a matchmaking and coaching business, says dating a man with a child can absolutely be worth it.

“If he's a loving father, it shows that he has the capacity for deep love, that he can nurture others, and that he's responsible (hopefully),” she says. “It's best if the woman is also a mother so they can better understand one another and the priorities that come with being a parent.”

This single father on Reddit wanted to know what women thought about dating a man with a child:

These Reddit users shared their thoughts and experiences about dating a man with kids:

Reddit users share opinions on dating a man with kids.
Reddit user talks about the struggles of dating a man with kids.
Reddit user shares a positive experience about dating a man with kids.
Reddit user talks about the hard part of dating a man with kids.

What about those who say never date a man with a child?

Never is a strong word. Lovz says we should be wary of people who use blanket statements about who you should and shouldn't date. 

“It’s about the person, not the checklist,” Lovz says. “As a mother, if I was ever to become single, I would want to date someone who also understood parenthood.”

This Redditor agrees that it helps to have the common ground of parenthood when dating a man with kids:

Reddit user shares thoughts about why common ground matters when dating a man with kids.

Meanwhile, some have decided that never is the right word for how they feel about dating a man with children:

Ultimately, it will boil down to personal preferences, details, and experiences. Whether dating a single mom or a single father, you have to make sure that the choice is right for you and consider the benefits and consequences.

Should I be dating a man with a baby on the way?

When a baby is on the way, you need to consider whether dating is a good idea. Lovz says you might be involving yourself in an emotional tornado. However, it will all depend on the context.

“You might want to understand why he isn't in a relationship with the woman having his child,” she says.

Here’s what some Reddit users thought about dating a man with a baby on the way:

Bottom line: Emma’s final word on dating a man with kids

If you find yourself dating a man with kids, remember that he is juggling parenthood with his desire to date, he may or may not want more kids, and he may prioritize his kids over you — at least for now.

You may be hesitant to date a guy with children but find yourself surprised by this new relationship with both him and his children — or you may be satisfied with spending time alone with him during the time his kids are with their mom, and keeping that part of his life separate.

When dating a man with kids, be open to some magic, while also honoring your own dating goals and feelings — pretty much like every other relationship.

Should a man put his girlfriend first?

No. But once the relationship becomes a serious, long-term commitment, the relationship should come before the kids' every whim. However, child wellbeing is first.

815 Comments

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Obviously my ex husband believes in this policy. He has chosen to not see our children on Christmas Day nor to spend any school holiday time with younger child in order to be with new Ukrainian girlfriend, who will be introduced to his family and friends and taken on holiday. This is a perfect example of putting partner ahead of children. I guess he wants to establish his relationship with her first. I have no choice but to accept it and according to this article, it is normal. I see it as the selfish behaviour of a midlife crisis and nobody cares about what he does or how it impacts others, except me, the now single mother.

So interesting! Your comment is spot on… what a ridiculous article. Divorce, although not uncommon, still remains a most difficult situation and transition for children. Of course a loving respectful relationship can be the most solid of foundations for a family but, if there is divorce, there is no loving solid foundation, perhaps there never was. Putting yourself, dates, and current or future partners on a priority level higher than your children is most certainly not in the best interest of your children. If you cannot respect a father or mother’s need to run to the aid of their child, regardless of how petty you feel the issue might be, then you need to definitely move on to your next choice of dates, If your children live with you most of the time, count yourself lucky and enjoy it, they will be out of your house sooner than you think, you will then be free to do as you like. If your children live with your ex the majority of the time and you just can’t seem to prioritize their needs over your date’s, lover’s, new partner’s, etc., that’s plain pitiful and probably indicative of why you are divorced in the first place.

I am currently in a 5 year relationship. I have 2 kids that live with us full time. He has 3 kids, 2 of them are the same age as my youngest. Sometimes we are on opposite weekends When this happens we literally have kids every weekend. I am fine with it as I know what I signed up for, just like he knows what he signed up for with me.
My kids went to spend a week with my family. His kids asked to come over for the week because they didn’t want to go to daycare. They do spend a lot of time at daycare, more then the average kid.
This week i asked if they could come later in the week. I wanted some down time. As the female all cooking falls on me and his daughter needs help washing her hair.

For the last month I have taken off a lot of time from work to be him during a family emergency.
During this week I was hoping to get caught up at work.

Am I being selfish? Did I make him choose between me and his kids?

I was a single parent working two jobs ,left my daughter father when she was 4 month as he would had killed me and most likely her.When she was nine I was going to get married when I told her she flipped out hitting me sreaming.We lived together for a year he asked her If he could be her dad she never answered him but did everything to destroy our relationship she could and it worked.He eventually left.I was 22 by the way .I put us both in counseling she refused to talk.She continued to break up any relationship I had.By the time she finished high school I had serious back problems from working 16 hour shifts all my adult life.Never got a cent child support,I was to scared of him he kidnapped me and beat me many times.I just wanted him to stay away.Plus he was in jail several times once he almost killed his father.My daughter wouldn’t go to college or trade school unless I paid 100 precent.I couldn’t work more then I already was as I was going to the pain clinic every month by now.She moved out after trying to hit me and telling me she didn’t have to f—— listen to me anymore.All because I asked her what time she was coming home.I furnished her apt.brought her food several times and always was there if she needed me.By the time she was 23 she got married called me on mothers day and disowned me.A year later she had a son I wasn’t allowed to see two years later she left her husband because she said she could do better.A year or two later not really sure she had another son by 2016 she had 5 children got married again and I haven’t seen her for around 13 years.Out of the blue she calls me says she sorry ,but she has told stranger so many lies about me.How my mother raised her and I never worked and was on drugs.I saw this on her facebook but never said nothing as it was the only way I could see what my grand children looked like.She doesn’t know I know this I’ve been disabled for 5 years now.I don’t trust her at all.I love her but I don’t like her.I did get married around 6 years after she disowned me.But I’m in pain everyday of my life.My spinal cord is enlarged,I have 4 pinched nerves and two disc compression my spinal cord.Partial feeling in my feet and nerve damage.All of this by the time I was 49 years old from working all the double shifts and 2nd jobs to raise her.She went to private school for 12 years.Was it worth it putting your child first.This is what you get back.You would think now that she is grown 34 years old.Her 2nd husband was accepted by her first son.That she would understand that her life would have been better if I wasn’t forced to be a single parent all her life as she got involved with someone real quick after leaving her husband,but she doesn’t.She says I tried to force people on her.I don’t know where we stand and I’m unsure what I even want with her,I gave this child everything her kids don’t have much at all and she seems fine with that.

Most normal think being a parent requires sacrfice. This belief involves putting the family first, as the family is already established, the foreginer is late to the party and needs to be compatible or else there will be nothing but fights.

“I love my husband more than I love my children.” The defense of this statement doesn’t stand with me, in fact, now I just feel less interested in single mothers. That is not challanging the auidence with a new, striking way of thinking, as if she was a lone intellectual facing perscution.

That is just a mother who is trying to justfy going out more.

I am currently in a relationship and my fiance had a 20 yr old and 24 yr old who does not help out, wont clean up, make messes for someone else to clean, room looks like a tornado went through it, just started working but would play video games all day, and sleep the rest of the day. Still will not pay a bill. My fiance makes sure she gets up extra early to make sure he gets to the bus stop for work. Mind you, this is only 5 min walk. She makes sure his lunch is made every day. She would make sure she got his hair cut when he wasnt working, paid his cellphone bill and put money in his pockets.. the oldest one is an alcoholic and she often bails out of jail and he doesnt pay her back and constantly needing money or needs her. When they both have money and jobs and girlfriends, u dont hear from them. She was in the hospital, she didnt hear from them..she was in jail for a.few days(wrongfully accused) they didnt ask about her..here I am cant get a lunch, all we do is argue about them not keeping the house clean or his room cleaned or even flushing the toilet. Despite how I feel and what I say she still puts those adult kids first and it is a strain on our almost 15 year relationship. I thought once they were grown it would be different but worse.

lol try to understand a child for life they may grew up, get married even have children of their own it makes the fruit better because then grandma now gets to spoil and baby sit the grand kids, you see children never really leave, divorces happen but you will need your children one day.

I do not even know the way I finished up here, but I assumed this submit was once great.
I do not understand who you are but definitely you are going to a
well-known blogger when you aren’t already. Cheers!

Sometimes the partner will use the child as an excuse not to be a decent partner.

My last relationship ended with a guy who told me even though he had summer off that he couldn’t make special plans with me on a weekend because he had to get all of his errands done so all of his fun quality time went with daughter the week later. No Joke. He had the next week off. Was childfree that weekend.

I told him I did not understand. He said we aren’t compatible then and I said I totally 100 percent agree.

As far as I am can concerned you are a single parent you better show me you are darn capable of being a great parent and a great partner. You better be darn considerate of the sacrifices that will come along with your child.

Thanks for sharing this. Single parents who completely resolve their lives around their children should not date. That is selfish and unfair to the other person. I’m glad that relationship ended.

As a single mother, I have endured dating. I personally believe that time should be split equally. No parent should put their spouse above their children and the children shouldn’t be above the spouse. I think it takes two people to make a relationship work. I have always been really good with kids, to a point where I think independence is a good thing. I value their opinion and I respect it. I may not agree with it or even go along with it, but the truth is children are little people who will grow up to be big people, and when you are dealing with them you have to teach them what to expect as they age and one of those is realistically they will come across someone with kids. If you can show them that they can be loved and involved as well in the relationship too then that’s good, but you also have to teach them that mommies and daddies need time for themselves. There is no shame in that. Your child should understand that no matter where you are or who you are with you will value and respect them as people. They are just as important to you as you are to them. They have to grow out of that egocentric thinking. Children are naturally that way. One of the hardest things is teaching them to share. When their parents are loving and welcoming they become that way. When their parents are selfish and egocentric they become that way. A child is still a little person who will become an adult and as adults there are things better learned through childhood. Unconditional love and Sharing are two of those things. I love my kids dearly but never would I accept their mistreatment or harshness to my guy. Nor would I allow my guy to disrespect them. Be civilized, humane.

I was a single mother with a child. I didn’t date a lot because I had other priorities. When I did find someone I thought was suitable, he had kids. He, as I had always done, expected me to expect any “date” we had would be a family function. He always put his kids first just as I had always put mine first. I would never have continued to date him if I suspected he put me above his children because nobody would have ever come before mine. We have been together for over a decade and we love each other hard; we love our family hard.

However, I will tell you what it means when single parents date and put that partner before their children. From my perspective, it means their children end up abused/neglected. It means those children who needed parents to love, support, and guide them into adulthood have ended up homeless because a parent’s partner came before them. It means these children have ended up at mine and my husband’s door, broken and homeless. It means that all these so-called adults around me have chosen a piece of ass over their own flesh and blood.

My husband and I have found housing and resources for more than a few older children put on the streets because there wasn’t enough room for them and whatever partner their parents had put first. We have accepted two into our home. My husband, the man who put his children first, has built a loving relationship and home with me, a woman who put her child first. Somehow we manage to even value other people’s children more than these people value their own children. Funny thing is that these parents still haven’t quite figured out how to have meaningful relationships even with their children cast away. Maybe it is selfishness. After all, there is no place for selfishness in a solid relationship and desiring to be number one over somebody’s children is really fucking selfish.

Valuing and investing in children has never meant we weren’t able to achieve the best relationship of our lives. I truly feel valued by my partner and I do everything I can to make sure he feels valued as well. He is my best friend and our family is our best thing. The heart is big enough to love many people; you can have a great relationship if you have kids while continuing to put them first. You have to ask yourself this: do you really want to build a life and potentially have children with somebody who could easily put those children, your children, aside? If you are fine with that, you don’t need kids and neither does the person brushing off their own.

I know this is an old post, but thank you. As a mid 30 something childless woman this has been a major challenge and after two disappointments I am not willing to go down the dating a single dad road again. If I can make you my priority, I have every right to deserve the same. If you can’t give that to me then there is absolutely no point in us dating. I have had many men get downright get angry and insult me for this view, but whatever. I am not wasting my time on a situation where 9 times out of ten I will not get the relationship I desire.

My son was five when I divorced his father. I was was 34. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t have dated, been in serious relationships, or married until my son was off to college.

The main abuser of children is partners that are not parents of the child. Which is to say: mom’s dirtbag boyfriend or dad’s golddigger girlfriend. So often, the kids would be better off being made wards of the state than living with a de-facto stepparent.

Never forget that your child is just someone else’s kid to every man in the world except for one.

I have to agree! For instance I’m with this guy for 5 and 1/2 years. I am divorced with tow daughters, 20 and 14 yrs old. Great kids and a little messy. My boyfriend is leaving me because my older daughter apparently used his razor to shave her legs. She says she didn’t use it and he insists she did. He hates lies and is leaving us for that. I am lost because I don’t know how to feel about this whole thing:( I guess my exhusband wouldn’t care or make a big deal over something like this.

He is leaving because he wants to , if its that easy lets him go, it means he has always seen your kids as a burden.

LOGIC IN 2018:

I’m a strong independent single career mom! I put my kids first!
(No, you can’t do that. If you don’t look after yourself, you can’t be the best mom you can be!)
Oh, okay, You’re right! I deserve a relationship so I can be happy, so I’ll do that first.
(Good thinking! And don’t forget your social life! You have to be happy, right?!)
Great! So I can take care of career, my social life AND my relationship and not feel guilty!
(Exactly!)
And by doing that, I’m really putting my KIDS FIRST!
(Told ya! They were right… you really CAN have it all!)

Guys: Let these strong independent mommies stay strong and stay independent.
When they leave you, they’re just going to say you held them back anyways.
Oh, and you probably will resent paying child support for some tatoo’d stud’s kids.

Welcome to the 21st century where adults feel threatened by children when it comes to their own intimate relationship. Wow. What a selfish person, to expect their partner to put their own child aside because they feel like they need the attention more. I don’t even have kids yet and I am one to get a little annoyed about how parents coddle their children but never in my life would I expect a boyfriend to push their own kid aside regardless of what it is about because I need more attention. YOU ARE AN ADULT. F***ing act like one.

Wow. This post appalls me. The adage of parents coming first applies to intact families; a child never feels threatened or jealous of his own parent, who also loves him deeply.

But hey, go right ahead and put who you are dating first if you are a single parent. My mom did that and my brother killed himself in August, after years of coming 2nd to her new husband.

Children are a lifelong commitment. Part of that commitment is sacrifice. Boyfriends and girlfriends may come and go, but children are forever. Putting your relationship first is selfish. It’s not all about you and your happiness. If you or your significant other are to be put above everything else, you really should ask yourself why you had kids. I wish that people had to pass a test to be parents like they do to be doctors, lawyers, etc. Too many people who have kids shouldn’t do it. What is called a right should indeed be a privilege.

Ridiculous and sad. Heartless and gross. The only thing more atrocious than your opinion is that people agree with you.
Children always come first. They depend on you and you brought them into this world. Nothing is more important than a child, not a booty call, not a date, and certainly not the gym! What is this world coming to!

Well the gym is often necessary for health. So some working out is good for the kids (healthy mommy and Daddy). In everything there is balance. There are couples who put everything in the child and ignore each other. Than the relationship breaks down and that’s hardly good for the child.

It’s all about balance. A boyfriend and a girlfriend should not be more important than one’s child. Children have needs and require sacrifice. If anything one should be looking to see if the new significant other is understanding of the needs of children. And the significant other should look at and see what kind of father/mother the person is now to the children they already have.

However I do believe that children shouldn’t be taught world revolves around them and yes sometimes mom and dad go on a trip (once in awhile) or go on a date night.

You misunderstood the article. A healthy relationship is the best for kids. When a single parent put a child first and revolves around the child, that parent is very likely to rely on the child for emotional support as the child is growing up. That is not healthy for either. “You love your children, but you are not in love with them!”

SBeen a little over a yr his son is 35 lives with him with his granddaughter, He babysits granddaughter every day plus Saturday, I just want time . Not sure if I am gonna keep doing this. Son does nothing grand dad wakes child up takes her to school he expects nothing but for him to work but not be totally responsible for his child grrrr, tired.

I don’t think children should be taught that they are number one or the world revolves around them. However I don’t expect to be more of a priority than my boyfriend’s daughter. She’s six year’s old. She gets limited time with him. Every other weekend is such a small amount of time. So no date nights shouldn’t be around that time. Date nights should be when he doesn’t have her. And if she calls her dad on the phone when she’s older I’m certainly not going to scream and complain. I guess I would like to eventually be put first in a relationship but in reality its not a competition. I would never ever want to come between my boyfriend and his little one. Never.

Look, I have no children and I’m fully aware the potential of step parenting can be hard. But years ago this woman decided to marry a man with 3 kids. And while I’m sure there at times when she was on the unhappy Stepparent list. I can tell you for a fact that she’s awfully glad that she has us in her life. The marriage did not last but the three of still love and adore our Stepmom.

Honestly I think in reality families all should be taught to consider and factor in EACH other’s needs. Parents should respect children’s time and feelings. Children should respect parents. Crazy mutual respect must be learned.

I think majority of the people commenting clearly did not understand the article. The author is not just saying that a parent’s partner should come before the children, but parents wants and needs should not be neglected simply because they have children. You’re not just defined by your children, you’re identity is not solely a parent, you have a whole other identy that does not involve your children. The love you get from your children is not the same love you receive from a partner, and if it’s something you need and it’s something that is missing, no one should ever be made to feel terrible just because they put their identity as a parent on pause once in a while. Yes, this can be done, and it’s ok. For the people saying once you have children, then your whole life revolves around them and that’s it, everything else is secondary- well I feel sorry those people, and furthermore you make parenting sound terrible, you make it sound like it’s a chore. If you’re not happy and not addressing your needs, you’re no good to anybody else anyway, everyone deserves to have what makes them happy and having children doesn’t negate that.

Whoever wrote this article is a sickening selfish cu*t. Kids should always come first because if you were selfish enough to bring them into this world. They didn’t ask to be born. Lowlife

I’m not sure who can help me with this, but I’m reaching out. I would like to preface with, I haven’t met the kids… and not being parent myself, I personally feel it’s too soon, or was too soon… not sure where I stand right now. We’ve only seen each other since the beginning of September… officially the 10, I’d say… I’m hoping to get some insight from a single dad.

I’ve started a casual relationship with a single dad who was no only completely enamored and smitten with me, but super forward and came on EXTREMELY strong in the beginning – looking into all sorts of signs like how he plays roller hockey and my 9 yo nephew is an ice hockey goalie, how Ray Bourque was a favorite hockey player and he had the posters up in his living room, Star Wars (seriously, I’m a ridiculous fan and it was refreshing to discuss it with someone how knows what you’re talking about), the way I sighed when we first kissed (I was in denial with that connection), how strong of a physical connection we had, adamant about breaking down my wall (he said things like “cracked away at the bottom (I know, LOL), now cracking away at the top”), etc…. The first few weeks were awesome… and then we started talking about me liking him… and then he remembered all the crap I said in the first 2 weeks of us seeing each other. I told him in those 2 weeks, of which I was still pining for my ex, that I would drop whomever I’m with if he came back. He said how could I say such a thing and I would destroy lives if that happened after a few years… what I didn’t explain, until later, was that I was under the impression I would be in a series of short, casual relationships, so no harm, no fowl. He also brought up raising children, since I’ve never had any of my own (I’m 40, he’s 47 with a 4 year old daughter and a 9 year old son), thanks to my ex (yeah, I’m partially at fault, as well, I know…), and apparently I told him (wondering if I was stupid drunk and ridiculously high) that I wouldn’t want to raise anyone else’s children, since I couldn’t have my own. Those things were enough to be stuck in the back of his head. Again, feelings I had in the beginning of the casual relationship. And I honestly felt the first couple of weeks talking about serious things like children in a casual relationship you have with someone was way too soon, but I’m not a parent and my sister couldn’t answer, considering she’s happily married, but feels she wouldn’t have asked so soon herself, but we’re all different, men and women, etc. Anyway, I started to like him. I certainly wasn’t expecting to EVER get over my ex, wasn’t expecting to ever like anyone, let alone someone with kids, which I’ve never had a relationship with before. Of course now things are weird… we discussed me liking him, which he apparently discussed with his bff (female, which I’m fine with, she can bring a female perspective to this… BUT loves those kids like they were her own, which is great, but can work to my disadvantage if she thinks anything worse than who, or what I am), and because I said what I said about dropping anyone for my ex, he did a 180, and told me I straightened him out, so back to the casual relationship thinking thing… His texts became somewhat infrequent and less cute/flirty, and I told him it was weird and he admitted it was, but felt we could move past it. When I next saw him, which was the next day after that text, things were great, but then I suddenly gave in to my anxieties about not being sure if he was open to this going anywhere, or not, and said if I liked him, I wasn’t sure I could do this pretending I dont’ feel the way I felt.. so I ended up leaving, but talked to him when I got home, thinking he understood where I was coming from and that I actually didn’t want to discontinue our relationship… I also opened up raw to him, stating things like I want the whole package (he kept telling me all the things I said he couldn’t get out of the back of his head and he’s a package deal, which I was aware and understood). He knows how I am with my sister’s children and I’m sure that was what also drew him to me… and I know he still feels SOMETHING for me… so since then, I”ve been trying to do control damage. I haven’t seen him in two weeks, but we still text. I tried to see if we could get together 2 weeks ago, but he had just gotten a new puppy for the kids (early Christmas gift) and his son wanted to spend more time with the puppy, which I totally understood, and then he had to train new guys at work. our schedules conflict, so the only times we were able to see one another was Sundays around 7:30pm and Tuesdays and/or Wednesdays, around the same time… his work schedule blows, but i’m beyond patient and understanding. This week didn’t fair any better, as his son was over Sunday with the puppy (seriously don’t blame him… I would want to smother the puppy myself 24/7), and then the poor kid ended up with the stomach and out until Friday… so he’s had him since last Friday. I thought I broke through the tension Sunday when I sent him a picture asking if we could “play”, to which he was all for, but again, son was at the house, would have to wait until Monday, then the kid ended up sick.

I finally asked him yesterday if he was still interested (for the record, I’ve apologized and explained and shown a lot of interest since my stupid, immature moment, but there is only so much of that anyone can do, so I’ve just tried to move past it by being flirty and showing interest). He said he finds himself conflicted due to what happened the last time we had seen each other. I’ve been overly anxious over all of this, which is something I’ve been dealing with for 3.5 years of trying to get my ex back (that’s another story…). He was well aware of the mess I was in the beginning, as well… which he admitted… I’m just wondering if I blew it with this guy. I know parents have a lot on their plates between work (especially him being a manager and on top of that having a sick kid in his office this week), so I don’t want to pester him with this stuff, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m smitten with him… he’s my unicorn (which I only figured out AFTER my dramatic bs… wasn’t super dramatic, I just cried and said I didn’t think I could stuff my feelings while we maintained a casual facade)… I just want to fix this, but I totally understand where he’s coming from and his position.

Please don’t berate me… I have enough anxiety, guilt, remorse and regret for my actions and words… believe me… I keep hoping I didn’t ruin what could’ve been a potentially great thing. Everyone I talk to says I haven’t, but his actions speak louder than their words. I’m still pretending like nothing happened, ask about his son (he’s doing better, thankfully), and sending flirty texts.

I’m sorry this is so long…

I could not disagree more. It disgusts me how many children are hurt because their parent put a new man or woman first. This is only true if you are with the parent that it is healthy for children to see this. I am happy if my children are happy. Parents remarry only to have money that should be spent on their children spent or even taken by the new person. Every day you read about steps abusing even killing children. I would not risk it. You do not have to make it all about your children, but once you have them you give up your right to put your or anybody else’s happiness first. This article makes me sick.

Totally agree with you. If you end up a single parent you OWE it to your kids to put them, not your sex life, first. Get them launched as adults and then you can bring as much drama into your life as you want. Honestly, this article really bothers me!

I completely disagree with everything stated in this article. I believe the only one that should be first in one’s life is God. Once that’s done, the rest will fall into place.

I don’t believe in “dating” in the secular sense. Those types of relationships are casual at best, and thus should not take precedence over one’s children. That’s absolutely ridiculous and an appalling expectation, I think, for anyone to have. I had a mother who did this. She had me when she was still rather young (parents never married) and so I ended up spending the majority of my early childhood and pre-adolescent years with my grandmother (her mother) while she went to university. I mainly saw my parents on weekends (mum had one weekend, dad had another, rinse…repeat). So I was always trying to “connect” with them and get to know them, but never got the opportunity to do so because 90% of the weekend visits also included whomever they were dating at the time, and I mostly was sat aside. My mother was the main offender. And most of the male company she chose to entertain were substance-abusing wankers with violent tempers and colourful criminal histories. They all made me uncomfortable, and no matter how much I expressed this to my mum, I was ignored, and she chose to put her time spent with them over her (already limited) time spent with me.

When she finally finished school, I went to go live with her and the behaviour became even worse. I might as well have been a roommate, that’s how little we connected emotionally. I also struggled with depression as a child, that I’m certain was only amplified by her emotional neglect and insistence on keeping whatever man she was talking to as priority one. There was also physical, verbal and emotional abuse going on with me at her (and my dad’s) hand, and I ended up feeling so abandoned by both of my parents that I sought emotional support from men myself in the most unhealthy ways possible. Eventually, I ended up getting pregnant, ironically at the same age my mum got pregnant with me. The father (who was also abusive) thought I was joking and blew me off. That relationship ended rather violently, also.

I don’t date. I actually refuse to do so. And still, to this day, I struggle with feelings of abandonment and worthlessness. I don’t speak to my father at all. The last conversation we had was a curt phone call 7 years ago. And the relationship I currently have with my mum is a bloody nightmare. We literally cannot hold a conversation without it turning into an argument. It’s awful. And it’s mostly because we never got a chance to connect. I never really got to build a relationship with her because A) most of my childhood I was with my grandmother, B) when I was with my mum, there was always some bloke in the way. I just know that I wouldn’t want my child to experience what I experienced. I would never put a man before my child, if I ever chose to “date.” That wouldn’t be fair to my child, and would surely put a strain on our relationship in the future. If I’m with someone who can’t grasp that concept, then I don’t know what to tell them. Honestly, sounds like a personal problem, if you ask me. Either get over it, or leave me and my child to our own device, I say.

Thanks for this article Emma! I have been dating a single man for 1 year. He has one adult child and one teen. I have one adult child out of the home. I agree with Dr. Laura about putting the marriage first. A happy marriage is a lasting marriage. Too many marriages fail due to lack of intimacy due to the kids always coming first. Just because we become parents does not mean we have to give up our identities and our needs. I would think it would be difficult being a good parent when we are miserable. Can you all honestly say that you can stay single and not be in a serious relationship for the next 15 years because your kids will “always come first”? And can you truly date someone knowing that you are not their priority and never will be? It is our human nature to need love and attention just as much as our children. It makes us happy and fulfilled and yes, a better parent. I am not saying that we should ignore our children’s needs, but we would be failure as parents to allow them to dictate our lives and our happiness.

The person I am dating has his children 50% of the time. The week he does not have his kids is our week. Yes, his kids have tried to interfere in that by trying to plan activities with him during his off week and making him feel guilty for not obliging. However, we both agreed that in order for this relationship to succeed, we need to put ourselves first. When it is his week to have his kids, he spends quality time with them. I still come over once in awhile during his week so that they can feel comfortable with me being around.

I’ve read most of these remarks about how “my kids always come first” and “my life is messed up because mommy didn’t give me any attention” and I have this to say: If you really think your marriage/relationship is going to last putting your marriage/relationship second, you’re kidding yourselves. To the ones that say you have a great marriage and you put your kids first among everything, are in denial. If your spouse is not getting attention from you, it’s a matter of time before they get it someplace else.
If you say your life is messed up because “mommy or daddy didn’t give me enough attention”, your issues are deeper than that. Seek therapy.

I hear complaints that this generation is what is failing our kids and I have to agree. I think this generation is having children for the wrong reasons. Think back why you (if not an oops) you and your spouse decided to start a family and be honest with yourself. Were you feeling empty inside? Was your life getting stagnant? Was your marriage on the brink of ending and you thought maybe having kids would be the “glue” to hold it together? Or were you so satisfied and fulfilled that you wanted to extend your happiness by building on your stable foundation? Something to think about.

So well said, K. My relationship with my long term boyfriend is on the brink of breaking up exactly because the question you asked: And “can you truly date someone knowing that you are not their priority and never will be?” That answer is NO to me now. I love my boyfriend and his daughter, but he said he could not put me or our relationship first before his daughter and he also told me I was jealous of his daughter. It hurts when he said that.

K. YOU COULDNT HAVE SAID IT BETTER!!! I get the “concept” of yea kids come first, but it’ll never work. People need to wake up and face the music.

So I assume you love him more than your own child? wow. unbelievable how easy it is for parents to love new strangers above/more than their own children. If my mother did that to me I’d never want anything to do with her again. I would feel so broken hearted knowing she loved a new man MORE over the strong bond I had with her.

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