I meet most men that I date online.
If you decide you will be dating a man with kids, it's very common for guys with children to write in their dating profiles:
“My kids come first,”
or
“My daughter is the center of my world!”
Should a man put his girlfriend first?
If you ask me should a man put his girlfriend first, here’s my quick answer:
At first, no.
But once the relationship becomes a serious, long-term commitment, the relationship should come before the kids' every whim. However, child wellbeing is first.
More details on:
- Challenges of dating a single parent
- How to date a man with a child
- Great examples of couples putting their kids second
- Emma's takeaway on dating a man with kids
Hey single mom— Do you tell your son he’s the man of the house? 16 tips for raising sons
7 things to know when dating a man with kids
Do these statements ring true to you?
1. “My boyfriend puts his child before me”
This is so common and can be a tricky situation. Especially early in a new relationship with kids, when you crave more time with your man, he prioritizes his children, and you feel left out.
2. You may be introduced as “the new friend”
It’s hard to date when you have kids — it can be confusing and overwhelming, parents can feel guilty and ashamed (whether that is justified or not). Maybe you and your lover don’t really know what to call each other yet, or your boyfriend is worried that saying “girlfriend” will be confusing or overly committal.
Just talk about it ahead of time and be honest about your feelings. Also, be sensitive to how he is feeling and his confusion or overwhelm.
3. “Dating a man with kids and feeling left out”
Perhaps he wants to mostly keep his kids separate from his romantic life, or he is taking slower to blend his relationship with his home life. Or, maybe you expect more from the relationship than is healthy. Or, maybe you each want different things from the relationship.
Consider filling your own life with meaningful friendships, a career, hobbies and fitness. Perhaps your boyfriend will invite you into his homelife if you are less clingy. Or, you will each realize you want different things from the partnership and go your separate ways.
4. Sometimes you will not feel like a priority
When your boyfriend puts his kids first, it is natural to feel left out, and sometimes you will not feel like a priority. And maybe you’re not — after all, your relationship may be new, he may not be that serious about you or the relationship, or maybe he is just busy with things outside of his relationship.
Also: you may be especially vulnerable or needy for reasons that have nothing to do with him, and are issues that you bring to the relationship. Everyone is a human here.
5. “Boyfriend not bonding with my child”
There are so many reasons why a boyfriend/girlfriend does not bond with the other partner's child. These include:
- The child is jealous of the new partner
- The partner is jealous of the child
- Their personalities just don't jibe—just like two adults do not naturally get along, this can be true for a child-adult relationship, too.
Here are some tips:
- Be patient. Once both the partner and child realize there is enough love to go around, everyone may calm down and connect
- Find ways for your boyfriend or girlfriend to spend one-on-one time together. Focus on everyday tasks (rather than big special outings or treats), like a grocery store run, washing the car, or cooking together. Once you remove yourself, they have a chance to create their own bond
- Keep in mind that children go through phases they quickly grow out of, as do adults. Likewise, relationships have ups and downs and seasons.
- Seek outside perspectives. Ask your friends with blended families for advice, and ask them to watch how your new brood interacts — and be open to feedback. Consider therapy.
6. “My boyfriend's child is ruining our relationship”
Or, his kids start to manipulate him and have an upper hand in the family — and he lets them.
Men, just like moms, can feel the pressure to prioritize children above all else. Maybe he feels guilty that he is not with his child's mom, or that he left the relationship, or he wants to be a better father than his own dad.
Or, maybe he is using his child as an excuse not to get close to you. This may be a conscious decision — or it could be percolating at an unconscious level. We all have ways we sabotage relationships out of fear of intimacy, and we need to be aware of red flags when we are dating someone with kids.
7. Some women report feeling unimportant in a relationship
If a man makes a point of consistently prioritizing his children over you, you might feel like you don’t matter in comparison, and feelings of jealousy may start to arise.
Relationships are all about communication, and if you don’t feel like you are an important part of your partner’s life, tell him that — or evaluate whether this is the right relationship for you.
This Reddit user is the perfect example of someone who got into a relationship with a single father without realizing she wouldn’t always be the priority. People in the comments were quick to point out that she was the red flag — not her widowed boyfriend:
I hear that so many times from both women and men who are heartbroken, abused or otherwise disappointed that a relationship or marriage didn't work out. In hindsight, red flags were always there >>
Into older men? Do’s and don’ts for dating an older man
Check out this video of Adrienne Bailon from The Real talking about dating a man with a child:
Is it hard to date a man with kids? Challenges to be aware of:
Yes, it can be hard dating someone with a child because you have to contend with things like custody schedules, ex partners, and eventually meeting his kids. That being said, every single dad has different circumstances, and if you are willing to be flexible, you can have a meaningful relationship with a man who has kids.
When it comes to relationships, I'm fond of saying, “You never really know what goes on between people.”
But there are a few couples in my life who I look to as models of the kind of marriage I'd like one day.
People who really enjoy each other. Respect and support one another.
In these families, the parents put their relationship before the kids. They are the dynamic force around which the family's life orbits. And everyone thrives as a result.
There is lots of research to suggest that a happy marriage is the cornerstone of well-adjusted kids.
Celebrity sex therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., writes in her relationship guide, The Book of Love:
“No matter how sacrilegious it sounds, you need to put your relationship before your children. A strong relationship provides security for your children and demonstrates how a loving, respectful partnership should be. What could be more important?”
That's a tricky proposition for single parents. If you're not in a committed relationship, it is very easy to make your children the prominent focus of your life and tell partners: My kids come first.
After all, children can be so demanding — not to mention fulfilling.
Plus, if you've gone through a divorce or another crisis that landed you as a single parent, you are no doubt concerned about giving your kids extra care and a sense of security.
A few tips for dating single dads that may apply, though of course every dad is unique:
- Be respectful of his time with his kids.
- Be mindful that if he doesn’t have his kids 50% of the time, that may not be his choice.
- He’s the parent — not you.
Continue reading more tips here on dating a man with kids: The benefits of dating a single dad
Red flags when dating a man with kids
Some dating red flags include addiction, violent behavior, poor money management, infidelity, and other forms of undesirable behavior. Although no one is perfect, how your partner chooses to handle those problems is important.
Here’s how to spot red flags when dating a man with kids:
Non-existent or contradictory digital footprint
While not everyone is on social media, you should be able to find something online about him. If your Google search turns up nothing, it’s possible that it’s on purpose. He might be running from the law or not truthful about his identity.
Conversely, a quick check of socials could reveal tons of information that contradicts what he told you, such as:
- Being married or in a committed relationship
- Criminal activity
- Extreme political stances
- Co-parenting drama
Poor dating etiquette
If you decide to go on a first date, pay attention to his behavior. Any of these actions or reactions could be deal breakers:
- Being late or not showing with no explanation or apology
- Being rude to waitstaff
- Getting drunk
- Speaking negatively about his ex
- Starts talking about sex early in the date
- Doesn't ask questions or share his thoughts
- Being disrespectful of your boundaries
While a sick child or parental duties can impact plans, red flags shouldn’t be ignored. Pay attention to common red flags to ensure that you are walking into a healthy relationship and keep your eyes open for bad behavior as you progress and get to know him better.
Signs of narcissistic behavior
Narcissists are all about themselves. They often lack empathy for others, require and show excessive admiration, and see themselves as superior to others.
Here are some relationship red flags that you are dating a man with a narcissistic personality:
- He showers you with excessive gifts early in the relationship and may pressure you to return the favor
- He calls you names or lashes out at you if you don’t agree with his point of view
- He gaslights you — making you feel crazy for bringing up issues about you relationship that bother you
Even if he does not show these behaviors toward you, watch how he treats others, especially his children.
You can always do a background check on someone who seems shady:
Consumed with their past, their child, or themselves
Does he always talk about his ex? Does he only talk about his child? Maybe he makes it a point to talk only about himself, taking over any conversation you try to have. Be aware of how you communicate with each other. It can be a telltale sign that something is not right.
No access to family or friends
If you’re seriously dating but have never met his child, family, or friends, you should ask why. It can be normal to wait to introduce a new person, but if the timeframe is excessive (a year or more), there could be an issue.
Pros and cons of dating a man with kids
While dating can be a fulfilling experience, there are some pros and cons to consider when dating a man with kids:
Pros of dating a man with kids
- If you progress in your relationship you’ll get a chance to meet his kids. Getting to know them and being a part of their lives can be rewarding.
- You get to see how he treats his children and the mother of his children, so you know what you’re potentially getting into. Is he patient? Loving? Responsible? If so, he’ll probably make a great partner and parent if you eventually have kids.
- You’ll cherish the moments you spend together because time is often limited.
- As a girlfriend, the responsibility of raising children is not in your hands. But you get a real-world look at what life would be like if you had children of your own.
Cons of dating a man with kids
- His kids will come first. He can’t provide the kind of spontaneity you might crave. Even with planning, expect cancellations if his child isn’t feeling well or needs him at the last minute.
- His kids might not accept you at first. It’s nothing personal. Just be yourself and give them time to warm up to you.
- Eventually, you’ll probably have to interact with his kids’ mom. This can be stressful depending on the circumstances of the former relationship.
- If he has full physical custody and his children are young, it will be hard to have alone time with him.
Dating a man with kids FAQs
Is dating a man with a child worth it?
Emyli Lovz, dating coach for men and co-founder of emlovz, a matchmaking and coaching business, says dating a man with a child can absolutely be worth it.
“If he's a loving father, it shows that he has the capacity for deep love, that he can nurture others, and that he's responsible (hopefully),” she says. “It's best if the woman is also a mother so they can better understand one another and the priorities that come with being a parent.”
This single father on Reddit wanted to know what women thought about dating a man with a child:
These Reddit users shared their thoughts and experiences about dating a man with kids:
What about those who say never date a man with a child?
Never is a strong word. Lovz says we should be wary of people who use blanket statements about who you should and shouldn't date.
“It’s about the person, not the checklist,” Lovz says. “As a mother, if I was ever to become single, I would want to date someone who also understood parenthood.”
This Redditor agrees that it helps to have the common ground of parenthood when dating a man with kids:
Meanwhile, some have decided that never is the right word for how they feel about dating a man with children:
Ultimately, it will boil down to personal preferences, details, and experiences. Whether dating a single mom or a single father, you have to make sure that the choice is right for you and consider the benefits and consequences.
Should I be dating a man with a baby on the way?
When a baby is on the way, you need to consider whether dating is a good idea. Lovz says you might be involving yourself in an emotional tornado. However, it will all depend on the context.
“You might want to understand why he isn't in a relationship with the woman having his child,” she says.
Here’s what some Reddit users thought about dating a man with a baby on the way:
Bottom line: Emma’s final word on dating a man with kids
If you find yourself dating a man with kids, remember that he is juggling parenthood with his desire to date, he may or may not want more kids, and he may prioritize his kids over you — at least for now.
You may be hesitant to date a guy with children but find yourself surprised by this new relationship with both him and his children — or you may be satisfied with spending time alone with him during the time his kids are with their mom, and keeping that part of his life separate.
When dating a man with kids, be open to some magic, while also honoring your own dating goals and feelings — pretty much like every other relationship.
No. But once the relationship becomes a serious, long-term commitment, the relationship should come before the kids' every whim. However, child wellbeing is first.
There is a huge difference between a long-married couple putting their relationship first in a not-blended family, and a single parent who puts random online dates, hot weekends, and assorted romances ahead of the children he or she is parenting. It’s almost disingenuous, and in many ways unfair, to directly compare the two and suggest that kids in the second situation do just as well because there’s “more love to go around.”
Women are socially indoctrinated from early childhood to privilege romantic relationships and prioritize them above nearly everything else. As a result, when we’re single parents, we tend to make exactly the mistake you advocate in this post, putting our social and romantic lives ahead of the children for whom we’re responsible. I made that mistake, and my children suffered for it very much. Unfortunately, we don’t get do-overs and neither do our kids — so we’d damn well better get it right during the only chance we have.
If we don’t have their backs at all times, make them feel loved, secure, and safe, show up when it counts, be there when they need us, and give them the gift of our time, energy, and priority, who will? If they don’t learn from us that family comes first, where will they learn it? Not from the men propositioning us on Tinder, meeting us for one-coffee wonder dates, texting for midnight booty calls, or expecting us to drop everything because they want our time and attention *right now.*
Kids are not stupid. They know when they come in second, third, or last on Mom’s priority list. If some random guy with flowers and a penis ranks ahead of them, how does that make them feel? How is it going to make them feel as adults when they think about dating, marriage, and having children?
Family comes first.
THIS. People are comparing the marriages of their BIOLOGICAL parents to a stepparenting setup.
It is not the same.
My parents have been married almost 50 years and damned straight their marriage came first. But they raised us all together. We knew we had their love even when we got in trouble.
As a former single mom who married a single dad, it is NOT THE SAME. My kids have a dad. His kids have a mom. It takes years – psychologists say 7-12 for a stepfamily to “blend” if they ever do.
The marriage partnership has to be strong to get to that blended status.
You cannot put your DATING life before your kids. That’s insanity.
I couldn’t agree more with this! The part about the online dating especially struck a chord. Guys who post that kind of stuff creep me out. Mostly because it’s actually proven that entering a step-parent into a family almost always has a negative effect on the kids. Most children don’t want a stepparent and it usually takes them a long time to get adjusted to the new situation. By dating the parent is already putting the child behind their own wish, and that’s ok! Everyone deserves a shot at a new relationship and happiness! But the hypocrisy of then stating your kids come first irks me to no end. It always feels like they’re trying to say, I come first, I want you to be my partner but I’m going to use my kids as an excuse to not fulfill my duties to our relationship and you can’t complain because… The kids. That’s not fair.
Besides, why would you want to model such a “relationship” to your child? So your son grows up treating his wife like she’s replacable and your daughter grows up feeling like she’s supposed to be treated like some elevated household pet? I think putting your kids first when dating will seriously harm them in the long run so from my perspective, not putting them first IS putting them first. You just have to find the right balance.
Whyyyyyeee doo you talk like thaaat? A 14 year old adolescent?
Have you actually heard yourself speaking? It’s very annoying to listen to even though you have some valid things to say.
Adjust the way you talk and your opinions will be much more palatable for mature adults.
I think your own words judge you, Emma: “I meet *most* men that I date …” So, you’re a perpetual dater? You see? No man wants you for more than a date! No man wants an ongoing relationship with you. You’re clearly entirely absorbed with yourself. I doubt you even care about the guy on the other side of the table/bed.
Try putting your kids FIRST, not just ahead of your date or your boyfriend, but ahead of YOU! Clearly, you’re a miserable person. I would dump you the moment I found out that you didn’t put your children’s happiness and needs before your own, forget about my happiness and needs if I found myself with you.
By the way, I have four beautiful children and wouldn’t even talk to a woman that wanted me to put my kids last. If they don’t like it, they can get out.
You’re a wealthy mommy? Try to find a way to buy yourself a clue …
– David
Wait a minute. Why do you assume that my only goal – or the only goal for anyone – is to find a long-term relationship? Sounds like that is your goal (which is fine), and you are having trouble finding a partner. Perhaps be open to prioritizing your lover and yourself, and a wonderful woman can come into your family.
It saddens me that there is so much hurt and feelings of guilt circulating that parents aren’t allowing themselves the joys of love.
I personally feel and this is just my opinion, that when parents devote all their focus onto their children it is not out of love or concern however, a way for them to conceal looking at themselves and learning to truly love who they are.
Everyone deserves to be loved and feel loved. And showing love in actions is such a healthy way of teaching children to love as well. It’s really a beautiful thing. More good comes from loving yourself and knowing you are worthy of love and opening yourself to that vulnerable place.
I promise you it will be magical. Let the guards down and let love in. Your family will be much better for it!
Best of luck to all
I was a single mother and I met my fiance (been engaged for 2 weeks now and together for almost a year) on a dating site. You love your kids and you can love your partner both whole heartedly. It’s a different type of love. I love my daughter with ALL of my heart. I love my fiance with ALL of my heart. Just like you can totally love a chocolate milkshake from Mcdonalds but also love a strawberry milkshake from Burger King. Two different milkshakes but you love both equally it just depends on what restaurant you stop at that day. I agree with the fact that if you’re choosing to be in a relationship you have to be ready and willing to devote a good portion of your time to the other person. I still took care of my daughter and functioned as a capable adult but at the same time he had all of my attention. Even if it was just texting or talking on the phone. When he worked I gave him his space and when my daughter truly needed all of my attention she got it. Multitasking isn’t hard most people are pros at it. I want my daughter to look at my relationship as she grows up and see that he and I love each other dearly and we will always work through our problems like adults. I want her to see how a relationship should be. We are happy and she is happy. She even calls him daddy. It takes work. It’s totally possible and if you can’t understand that you truly do need to give the person you say you want in your life in that way the most attention you can then you don’t need to be in a relationship. Plain and simple.
I’m a little late but I just found your article. Why do people insist on making their life hell just because you had kids? Children should never be the center of your universe. Your family should be. If you have for some reason lost or divorced your kids father than your family has grown. He has his girlfriend you have your boyfriend and you guys have to learn to adjust as a family. That does not mean putting the children first. Everyone seems to think children are so fragile. They are not. When raised to be independent they are glorious to watch as they grow into a wonderful adults. But if we don’t show them that we can love someone and be committed to someone then they don’t know how to have a real relationship that works. Because children learn from watching you as their trainer an adult. Back in my grandmothers day people show to children that family comes first you had to work at your relationship to make it work. And my Mother’s Day divorce was a little more prevalent but people still made their relationships work. Now in our day children are used to saying if they don’t get along with their mothers partner then the mother makes the partner go away. This is also done with dad. When children notice that daddy can change girlfriends at the drop of a hat well then they learned that relationships are disposable. You do not need a relationship to function. But everybody needs a relationship. Someone to talk to and feel loved.
Thanks for this perspective: “Why do people insist on making their life hell just because you had kids? Children should never be the center of your universe. Your family should be. If you have for some reason lost or divorced your kids father than your family has grown.”
With mine ….. His son is 26 !!! And he still can’t cut the cord !!
Thank you. I’ve recently left a relationship because of this. I dated a single dad who put his daughter before me at every opportunity. It got to the point where I became ‘the other woman’ without even being that. When he had her for his 50% – He wouldn’t answer my calls until she was in bed at night, he would take her out to dinner dates in expensive restaurants and shopping dates (she’s 8) and ignore me. At first I tried to reason with myself that I had to be aware he had a child and was doing his best. Then came the ‘I cook for her whatever she wants and then I cook for myself later’ then there was the ‘I keep my facial hair- beard because my daughter would be upset if I cut it off even though you wouldn’t like kissing me with it’ then came the ‘my daughter has to come first because of the divorce’ then came the weekend where he tried to revert back on taking me out to a hotel for a night because he just couldn’t bear to leave his daughter with his sister because she would get upset not having her father round (he isn’t there when she is at her mum’s place) but reluctantly went and spent a night with me in a hotel and then decided to try and get rid of me before breakfast because he had plans with his daughter.
How did I feel? Betrayed, 2nd best, not good enough etc. I was willing to take on a relationship with a single dad and he just didn’t have his priorities straight.
I wanted and needed ‘us’ decisions.
LOL Emma! Your son is gonna see your internet babblings one day and he’s gonna grow up hating women and treating them like pieces of meat to be used and discarded.
I don’t have kids by my own but I’m a stepmom to two beautiful girls aged 21 & 24. They are both away bc of college but always stay with us on holidays.
When I married their dad they were teens and they stayed with him on weekends and he was always clear about who comes first (the girls) and tbh, I think he’s right. The girls call me mom and I don’t have any reasons to complain about my hubby’s priority because I have always known.
I chosed not to have children because we can’t always be optimistic, there’s always a chance that the marriage won’t work out and if I did had children, they’d be my top priority.
Marriages, affairs and relationships can end but your children will ALWAYS be your children!
The girls are intelligent, happy and kind and I can see how the “partnership” between my husband and I and their mom worked out.
You can be sure they wouldn’t learn no good if they read online their mom prefer a 15 years younger toyboy than her own children. You only have a chance to raise your children alright, so do it right. They don’t deserve to grow up thinking that putting a random man before then is normal.
That’s sick. You shouldn’t be allowed to have children. YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD ALWAYS COME FIRST. Stop being such a desperate cougar and go take care of them. I hope their dad get them because they shouldn’t think this is normal, this is the result of feminism and selfish women.
My man of 3 years is a wonderful step father & partner to my kids & I, Then he gets his 2 kids, which I also adore, but in those 2 36hour weekends, his contact with me is minimal, & his whole attitude towards me changes, he’s rude,short & gets plan nasty .i understand he wants to spend time with them, I just wish he didn’t take me off the pedestal ., Then they leave & we’re happy family again., it’s frustrating & I’m starting to dread their fortnightly visits.. Not because of the kids, because of him.
Not even sure how I ended up on this website or post; but its possible to love and spend time with more than one person. May that be kids , dates or friends. Im a single father, and because me and my ex have the rest our lives together and drama free ( health, Job, hobbies, goals ) taking care of our son even between dating, runs smoothly . All this drama come when single parents don’t have other life affairs in order, then the kids become an easy scapegoat or what our life revolves on. Kids grow up and move on, put it all in perspective.
Now there is an issue dating people without kids who don’t have similar “humbleness” or understanding of responsibility. Like if you grew up without any kind of hardships, and think the world revolves around you, yes I could see it not working. I had six brothers and sisters and was the oldest, by the time I had my own kid It felt business as usual . Work, take care of kids, move on to other aspects of my life. BUT some people, parents or not, make the biggest deal of kids. Like “OMG how am I going to change diapers, the crying, daycare, school blah blah.” There are many things in my life I take care of , are you not capable of the same ?
People in general create unnecessary drama and hardships. Take care of your responsibilities, do what makes you happy, have goals and hobbies, live life.
The attitude of some of these sanctimonious mommies and daddies is disturbing. They love to pretend there’s only two options; either revolve your world around your kids (ie use them as an excuse to never make an effort for your partner, while at the same time, narcissistically expecting your partner to make an effort for you) or abandon kids alone at home while you get drunk in bars and sleep around. That extreme black and white thinking is a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, and it’s disturbing to think these emotionally stunted whiners actually have kids. These “my kids come FURSSSTTTT!!!” whiners don’t seem to be the most intelligent people. Yet another reason to avoid them. And I’ve never known any parent to give themselves such sanctimonious airs about their parenthood who are anywhere near being the selfless, loving, angelic martyrs they’re so desperate for others to see them as. Genuinely good parents don’t go on the way these idiots do.
I think that single moms and dads need their adult time with adult people. I don’t think, however, that the kids should be involved unless its a serious relationship. Go have fun with someone who wants to have fun with you. Single parents can go out and have fun and still take care of their children well. In fact, I think single parents who have an outside adult life fare much better than those who don’t. But I would not gauge a dating relationship with a married relationship – two different things. Once there is a marriage involved, the marriage must come first. It is the best example you can give to your children, and believe me – as a mom with four children – three of them already gone and one more soon to fly – the deep intimate companionship a strong marriage provides will continue to be a great example to your children. Your kids need you single parent! They also need their extended family members, your friends, their friends, lots of opportunity to stretch, all within the boundaries set to keep feeling safe and cared for. It’s really not that hard.
Well said
Children are children. They are meant to be children and respected as such. Your partner is your partner. Naturally, I would think you place your priorities on your partner or with them, not your child. A loving, balanced partnership is 2 equals. Children, pets, belongings and everything else has no place in between. If either partner feels the need to argue or cause the other partner jealousy, at all, they need to be let go of. If you can’t see that for what it is, there should not be a relationship, at all. No way should anyone else or anything come in between a relationship.
Very well said, I totally agree!
I am a single woman which was dating a man with a 19 year old, which I just ended the relationship because I just could not take it anymore. There was a very bad divorce on his end which the ex wife wouldn’t let him see his son for 10 years. So the entire time I dated him no child was in the picture. He had so much pain over not seeing his son, I so wanted him to see his son. I had even gone to court and spoke in his behalf so he would see him ( bc of a RO). Well, he finally got to see him, the ex wife disowned the kid because of all this, and a lot of problems in the home, and suddenly this stranger came to live with us-full custody. I had heard through the courts bad stories of this kid, but I hoped was because of his ex wife. Well let me tell you my life turned into a nightmare, the kid was so disrespectful, bringing drugs into my home, wanting to drink ( at 18) and my BF because of the guilt, let him do whatever he wanted. I felt I was constantly number 2 about every situation, and in the end wasn’t really about the kid, was about what my BF allowed him to get away with. I felt I was just a freaking maid. What really killed me was how this son treats his father, so disrespectful, every week he was constantly asking for 150 bucks, you know for drugs, and if I said anything to my BF about trying to get him to control his son, he would just tell me off. He would say his son comes first, take or leave it. The final straw was, that I wanted to go on a trip, which he and i spoke of for so many years but he said, he didn’t want to spend…kid comes along and guess what???and they planned one without me. He said I need to spend time alone with my son. I’m not a spoiled princess but I also believe if a person is going to be in a relationship they should also consider their partner. I understand they need alone time and that is fine with me, I have friends and hobbies. I do not need to be the center 24/7 but also a partner should also make time for you. Do they realize putting a child first all the time, allowing them to be a spoiled brat and totally control their life, is making a monster that will not go away, and setting them up for a life of being difficult with EVERYONE. As a kid growing up, I never controlled my parents life. We moved one year 8 times, was horrible for me, but I was the child was not my choice to make..-I am seeing too many kids are our of control because their parents allow them to make their decisions, its crazy. If I spoke to my father the way this kid speaks to his father, let me tell you he wouldn’t of been buying me a brand new car. I just got tired of cooking dinners, cleaning all the time..having his son, take his food and leave it all over my house and not once did he ever have to clean up after himself. And neither his father or this kid appreciated what I did. Since they moved out, the son totally robbed his father, sold his stuff and he still gives him whatever he wants.
No, no, no, no and no. I am a single father and my kids will ALWAYS come first. If you can’t understand this, I don’t want a relationship with you. I’d rather be alone than be with a princess who thinks she’s the center of everything. You are an adult and my kids are children; they need me and you should be able to take care of yourself. Adios.
And what happens when the kids grow up?
The attitude of some of these sanctimonious mommies and daddies is disturbing. They love to pretend there’s only two options; either revolve your world around your kids (ie use them as an excuse to never make an effort for your partner, while at the same time, narcissistically expecting your partner to make an effort for you) or abandon kids alone at home while you get drunk in bars and sleep around. That extreme black and white thinking is a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, and it’s disturbing to think these emotionally stunted whiners actually have kids. These “my kids come FURSSSTTTT!!!” whiners don’t seem to be the most intelligent people. Yet another reason to avoid them. And I’ve never known any parent to give themselves such sanctimonious airs about their parenthood who are anywhere near being the selfless, loving, angelic martyrs they’re so desperate for others to see them as. Genuinely good parents don’t go on the way these idiots do.
JP,
That is funny, insightful and very well written!
I’m currently in a relationship where my partner puts his 19 y.o daughter first, even when she is throwing tantrums and being unreasonable. I have done nothing to her. She doesn’t approve of us so whenever she is in town, I am shunned. I have to get out of their way as his daughter doesn’t want to see me. We have a guest room in our house but my partner had to book her a separate apartment because she doesn’t want to be in the same house as me. So my partner goes out early in the day and back home late at night the entire time she is in town. I know he is meeting her, but it really does feel the same as if he is cheating on me or i’m sharing him with another woman. It hurts a lot and nobody deserves to experience this.
My point is, referencing some of the comments above, a single person without kids is giving you 100% of her heart and devotion. She is loyal to you and she puts you as her priority. However, she cannot expect the same in return if she is dating someone with kids (i say kids because a mature adult child will understand and want the best for her dad and would want him to be happy).
If you are a single person without kids, i would recommend that you find out if his kid is a reasonably sound minded person before getting involved. If he or she is, then everyone can get along and i’m sure there are success stories. However if his kid(s) are young/needy/unreasonable and he is enabling them, it probably is wise to just forget about it and find another fish in the sea.
Great article, I think everyone should read it, single parent or not. The partner/spouse should come first, this is the key to a happy, healthy, strong, and balanced relationship/marriage.
I’m a 25 y/o married woman. My husband and I are ready to start our own little family. :) I never dated or considered dating a man with kids as kids have always been a deal breaker for me. For multiple reasons: I want my own family instead of a ready-made one. I want to raise my own kids. I want to experience all the “firsts” with my husband: pregnancy, childbirth, parenthood. And last but not least: I don’t need baggage and drama. Oh, and I don’t find the fact that single dads have experience with kids “cute”.
Anna,
Plenty of men & women wanted that and wound up divorced. I know plenty of single women who had all of these “firsts ” but ended up the “first” wife instead. I think this blog is more focused on people struggling with the reality of divorce and single parenting. I am also not divorced & without children. I have met many childless self centered men as well. However, whomever puts me second is updateable period!
Single parents have the right to date and pursue relationships as much as anyone else. However, should they prioritize their new partner before their children? Unfortunately I’d say the answer to that is no. Parents had a chance to do this with each other while they were married (barring other more critical circumstances). Once that opportunity has passed, then please understand that a parent’s priorities have changed. Remember that the children have no choice in divorce. Unless there was abuse involved, kids of divorce are simply experiencing the consequences of their parent decisions whether they like it or not. That means both parents now are faced with the task of keeping the negative impact of these decisions to a minimum, which is nearly impossible the children aren’t first priority. That doesn’t mean parents can’t date, it just means that dating and relationships need to be compartmentalized for a while, happening on mom or dad’s time, not the kids’ time. People try to justify seeing the new partner during family time by claiming children want to see their parents happy. Well, this isn’t true in the way posters here seem to think. Kids are self centered by nature and they want themselves to be happy. If mom and dad can help out with this by being happy themselves, great. However, if mom and dad feel happy with their new relationship but are otherwise adding drama or disrupting the stability, then your kids aren’t happier. Parents need to get over themselves and get along even after divorce. They need to co parent effectively to keep as much stability in their kids lives as possible. How can you do this if you’re in a committed relationship with someone, especially someone who doesn’t have children? Relationships take time and commitment, both of which will be frequently interrupted by family demands for a while, and family demands are non negotiable. Parents should focus on improving themselves rather than finding fulfillment through romantic relationships for a while. Go back to school, build a career, go to a therapist, get divorce counseling (yes, it is a real thing). That’s setting a great example for your kids. Once you’ve accomplished getting your kids through the stress, you (and they) will be ready for that new relationship.
Marie, I agree with you 100%!!! Well said.
It is sad that many let the guilt and anger over divorce color their behavior towards their children. I have worked in various schools as a reading specialist, and I am at the age where my own kids are grown. I have seen many families both personally and professionally weather the divorce storm, and I survived it myself. The kids who thrived post-divorce had families that kept boundaries not dissimilar from the ones the kids grew up with prior to the divorce. The children were loved to bits, but were not permitted to become lords and ladies of the manor. If you had no trouble leaving a child with a trusted sitter to have dinner with your spouse, why should you have trouble doing the same with a new spouse or significant other. The kids may have fussed a bit at first, but then they got over the issue. The kids whose parents treated them like victims and ignored bad behavior, or were constantly trying to “make up” for things rarely had happy kids. People forget that the divorce in part often happened because something was wrong in the marriage that was not healthy for all involved, so it was better to part. Romantic adult love should be different and separate from parental love, so it seems each has their own space. If both spaces are respected, everyone can be fine. It worked for me.
I do not believe that children are more important than your chosen mate. If people would stop posting on facebook “my child has my whole heart” my child this blah blah and started posting stuff like that about their partner maybe there would not be so many broken homes. So those who do this realize, you have stated there is no room for your partner. Pretty black and white that is exactly what it says. Those of you that think you’re world is all about your children please stop dating and leave the innocent people who didn’t have children a chance to be the love of someone’s life. At the end of the day that is what everyone wants. To be the one true love. Right ? We are seeking it. Putting conditions and forcing others to bond with your children is selfish. The only person that is going to love that child as much as you is the other parent. So putting them first maybe you should work out your issues with them….don’t gripe you want them first you got it with the person you created them with. Shoyldnt matter how you’re treated these new partners are only second best so you should be ok with this in your youre loved and your children are put first the new partner gets what..someone elses kids..hurray? People who have children don’t see this because they are receiving their unconditional love from their children. How quickly people toss their chosen partner aside. We had kids now you’re dirt, wow where was the fine print on that? No one wants to live in the shadow of anyone, kids or adults. How can people expect others to invest their lives in them when at the end of the day the child will always be chosen over them. My value as a person does not decrease for anyone child or adult. Your partner may not think your child is great and doesn’t think it is wonderful that part of your ex comes over every other weekend and then reports your personal life back to the other parent. The ex is never ever gone. You can never move on because you share a child. BUT WAIT your partner should think those kids are the best thing in the world. O you know how great the reminder is that you loved someone else to marry them. The constant reminder that you were having sex with another woman or man and you still talk to them. Let us all line up for that. O please let us all be second best because you had children. ARE YOU CRAZY! This is so sad that people can’t see past their own butts.
I don’t see why this is the fault of the partner who happens to be a parent. If you make a choice to date a divorced parent then you need to be mature enough to handle it. Divorced people with kids must co parent and get along with the ex in order for their children to thrive. Why would you ever expect to be the top priority?
Once a person makes a choice to have kids, everything changes. They have offspring that shares their DNA with another person – they are family. Your significant other, if they are a decent human, should do everything in their power to see that their kids have a good, healthy childhood. New relationships need to fit into this picture, not the other way around. There is no room for an immature, self centered boyfriend or girlfriend in this equation, so please think before you date.
I experienced the opposite. My ex boyfriend had his 11 year old daughter during the week and his 19 year old son would come from college on the weekends (to see his girlfriend and bring her to his home all weekend). It seemed like I had to beg to be alone with him even when we lived together. His kids were rude and disrespectful and there was always an excuse to why they acted that way. I tried to put him first and create a good relationship, but it was overwhelming and intolerable. I eventually moved out after another disrespectful and rude act by both of his kids. I know he felt like he needed to support them due to his divorce from their mom, but I wasn’t in a win win relationship. I feel like some men don’t know how to acknowledge a GOOD woman when they have one.
I bet all of you have kids that sit in your dates face when your date comes by. If I go to my dates house for movie night that is what I expect. If your trying to get tl know a person keep your kids out of it. I bet y’all are still single and going to be single because you want to be a MOM all the time instead of a girlfriend….. Stay single and date your kids!!!!!!