I meet most men that I date online.
If you decide you will be dating a man with kids, it's very common for guys with children to write in their dating profiles:
“My kids come first,”
or
“My daughter is the center of my world!”
Should a man put his girlfriend first?
If you ask me should a man put his girlfriend first, hereโs my quick answer:
At first, no.
But once the relationship becomes a serious, long-term commitment, the relationship should come before the kids' every whim. However, child wellbeing is first.
More details on:
7 thing to know when dating a man with kids
- โMy boyfriend puts his child before meโ
- You may be introduced as โthe new friendโ
- โDating a man with kids and feeling left outโ
- Sometimes you will not feel like a priority
- โBoyfriend not bonding with my childโ
- โMy boyfriend's child is ruining our relationshipโ
- Some women report feeling unimportant in a relationship
How to date a man with a child
Red flags when dating a man with kids
- Non-existent or contradictory digital footprint
- Poor dating etiquette
- Signs of narcissistic behavior
- Consumed with their past, their child, or themselves
- No access to family or friends
Pros and cons of dating a man with kids
Emma's takeaway on dating a man with kids
Hey single momโ Do you tell your son heโs the man of the house? 16 tips for raising sons
7 things to know when dating a man with kids
Do these statements ring true to you?
1. โMy boyfriend puts his child before meโ
This is so common and can be a tricky situation. Especially early in a new relationship with kids, when you crave more time with your man, he prioritizes his children, and you feel left out.
2. You may be introduced as โthe new friendโ
Itโs hard to date when you have kids โ it can be confusing and overwhelming, parents can feel guilty and ashamed (whether that is justified or not). Maybe you and your lover donโt really know what to call each other yet, or your boyfriend is worried that saying โgirlfriendโ will be confusing or overly committal.
Just talk about it ahead of time and be honest about your feelings. Also, be sensitive to how he is feeling and his confusion or overwhelm.
3. โDating a man with kids and feeling left outโ
Perhaps he wants to mostly keep his kids separate from his romantic life, or he is taking slower to blend his relationship with his home life. Or, maybe you expect more from the relationship than is healthy. Or, maybe you each want different things from the relationship.
Consider filling your own life with meaningful friendships, a career, hobbies and fitness. Perhaps your boyfriend will invite you into his homelife if you are less clingy. Or, you will each realize you want different things from the partnership and go your separate ways.
4. Sometimes you will not feel like a priority
When your boyfriend puts his kids first, it is natural to feel left out, and sometimes you will not feel like a priority. And maybe youโre not โ after all, your relationship may be new, he may not be that serious about you or the relationship, or maybe he is just busy with things outside of his relationship.
Also: you may be especially vulnerable or needy for reasons that have nothing to do with him, and are issues that you bring to the relationship. Everyone is a human here.
5. โBoyfriend not bonding with my childโ
There are so many reasons why a boyfriend/girlfriend does not bond with the other partner's child. These include:
- The child is jealous of the new partner
- The partner is jealous of the child
- Their personalities just don't jibeโjust like two adults do not naturally get along, this can be true for a child-adult relationship, too.
Here are some tips:
- Be patient. Once both the partner and child realize there is enough love to go around, everyone may calm down and connect
- Find ways for your boyfriend or girlfriend to spend one-on-one time together. Focus on everyday tasks (rather than big special outings or treats), like a grocery store run, washing the car, or cooking together. Once you remove yourself, they have a chance to create their own bond
- Keep in mind that children go through phases they quickly grow out of, as do adults. Likewise, relationships have ups and downs and seasons.
- Seek outside perspectives. Ask your friends with blended families for advice, and ask them to watch how your new brood interacts โ and be open to feedback. Consider therapy.
6. โMy boyfriend's child is ruining our relationshipโ
Or, his kids start to manipulate him and have an upper hand in the family โ and he lets them.
Men, just like moms, can feel the pressure to prioritize children above all else. Maybe he feels guilty that he is not with his child's mom, or that he left the relationship, or he wants to be a better father than his own dad.
Or, maybe he is using his child as an excuse not to get close to you. This may be a conscious decision โ or it could be percolating at an unconscious level. We all have ways we sabotage relationships out of fear of intimacy, and we need to be aware of red flags when we are dating someone with kids.
7. Some women report feeling unimportant in a relationship
If a man makes a point of consistently prioritizing his children over you, you might feel like you donโt matter in comparison, and feelings of jealousy may start to arise.
Relationships are all about communication, and if you donโt feel like you are an important part of your partnerโs life, tell him that โ or evaluate whether this is the right relationship for you.
This Reddit user is the perfect example of someone who got into a relationship with a single father without realizing she wouldnโt always be the priority. People in the comments were quick to point out that she was the red flag โ not her widowed boyfriend:
My (33F) boyfriend (35M) always chooses his kids over me.
byu/THROWRA_baia711 inrelationship_advice
I hear that so many times from both women and men who are heartbroken, abused or otherwise disappointed that a relationship or marriage didn't work out. In hindsight, red flags were always there >>
Into older men? Doโs and donโts for dating an older man
Check out this video of Adrienne Bailon from The Real talking about dating a man with a child:
Is it hard to date a man with kids? Challenges to be aware of:
Yes, it can be hard dating someone with a child because you have to contend with things like custody schedules, ex partners, and eventually meeting his kids. That being said, every single dad has different circumstances, and if you are willing to be flexible, you can have a meaningful relationship with a man who has kids.
When it comes to relationships, I'm fond of saying, โYou never really know what goes on between people.โ
But there are a few couples in my life who I look to as models of the kind of marriage I'd like one day.
People who really enjoy each other. Respect and support one another.
In these families, the parents put their relationship before the kids. They are the dynamic force around which the family's life orbits. And everyone thrives as a result.
There is lots of research to suggest that a happy marriage is the cornerstone of well-adjusted kids.
Celebrity sex therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., writes in her relationship guide, The Book of Love:
โNo matter how sacrilegious it sounds, you need to put your relationship before your children. A strong relationship provides security for your children and demonstrates how a loving, respectful partnership should be. What could be more important?โ
That's a tricky proposition for single parents. If you're not in a committed relationship, it is very easy to make your children the prominent focus of your life and tell partners: My kids come first.
After all, children can be so demanding โ not to mention fulfilling.
Plus, if you've gone through a divorce or another crisis that landed you as a single parent, you are no doubt concerned about giving your kids extra care and a sense of security.
A few tips for dating single dads that may apply, though of course every dad is unique:
- Be respectful of his time with his kids.
- Be mindful that if he doesnโt have his kids 50% of the time, that may not be his choice.
- Heโs the parent โ not you.
Continue reading more tips here on dating a man with kids: The benefits of dating a single dad
Red flags when dating a man with kids
Some dating red flags include addiction, violent behavior, poor money management, infidelity, and other forms of undesirable behavior. Although no one is perfect, how your partner chooses to handle those problems is important.
Hereโs how to spot red flags when dating a man with kids:
Non-existent or contradictory digital footprint
While not everyone is on social media, you should be able to find something online about him. If your Google search turns up nothing, itโs possible that itโs on purpose. He might be running from the law or not truthful about his identity.
Conversely, a quick check of socials could reveal tons of information that contradicts what he told you, such as:
- Being married or in a committed relationship
- Criminal activity
- Extreme political stances
- Co-parenting drama
Poor dating etiquette
If you decide to go on a first date, pay attention to his behavior. Any of these actions or reactions could be deal breakers:
- Being late or not showing with no explanation or apology
- Being rude to waitstaff
- Getting drunk
- Speaking negatively about his ex
- Starts talking about sex early in the date
- Doesn't ask questions or share his thoughts
- Being disrespectful of your boundaries
While a sick child or parental duties can impact plans, red flags shouldnโt be ignored. Pay attention to common red flags to ensure that you are walking into a healthy relationship and keep your eyes open for bad behavior as you progress and get to know him better.
Signs of narcissistic behavior
Narcissists are all about themselves. They often lack empathy for others, require and show excessive admiration, and see themselves as superior to others.
Here are some relationship red flags that you are dating a man with a narcissistic personality:
- He showers you with excessive gifts early in the relationship and may pressure you to return the favor
- He calls you names or lashes out at you if you donโt agree with his point of view
- He gaslights you โ making you feel crazy for bringing up issues about you relationship that bother you
Even if he does not show these behaviors toward you, watch how he treats others, especially his children.
You can alwaysย do a background checkย on someone who seems shady.
Consumed with their past, their child, or themselves
Does he always talk about his ex? Does he only talk about his child? Maybe he makes it a point to talk only about himself, taking over any conversation you try to have. Be aware of how you communicate with each other. It can be a telltale sign that something is not right.
No access to family or friends
If youโre seriously dating but have never met his child, family, or friends, you should ask why. It can be normal to wait to introduce a new person, but if the timeframe is excessive (a year or more), there could be an issue.
Pros and cons of dating a man with kids
While dating can be a fulfilling experience, there are some pros and cons to consider when dating a man with kids:
Pros of dating a man with kids
- If you progress in your relationship youโll get a chance to meet his kids. Getting to know them and being a part of their lives can be rewarding.
- You get to see how he treats his children and the mother of his children, so you know what youโre potentially getting into. Is he patient? Loving? Responsible? If so, heโll probably make a great partner and parent if you eventually have kids.
- Youโll cherish the moments you spend together because time is often limited.
- As a girlfriend, the responsibility of raising children is not in your hands. But you get a real-world look at what life would be like if you had children of your own.
Cons of dating a man with kids
- His kids will come first. He canโt provide the kind of spontaneity you might crave. Even with planning, expect cancellations if his child isnโt feeling well or needs him at the last minute.
- His kids might not accept you at first. Itโs nothing personal. Just be yourself and give them time to warm up to you.
- Eventually, youโll probably have to interact with his kidsโ mom. This can be stressful depending on the circumstances of the former relationship.
- If he has full physical custody and his children are young, it will be hard to have alone time with him.
Dating a man with kids FAQs
Is dating a man with a child worth it?
Emyli Lovz, dating coach for men and co-founder of emlovz, a matchmaking and coaching business, says dating a man with a child can absolutely be worth it.
โIf he's a loving father, it shows that he has the capacity for deep love, that he can nurture others, and that he's responsible (hopefully),โ she says. โIt's best if the woman is also a mother so they can better understand one another and the priorities that come with being a parent.โ
These Reddit users shared their thoughts and experiences about dating a man with kids:
What about those who say never date a man with a child?
Never is a strong word. Lovz says we should be wary of people who use blanket statements about who you should and shouldn't date.
โItโs about the person, not the checklist,โ Lovz says. โAs a mother, if I was ever to become single, I would want to date someone who also understood parenthood.โ
This Redditor agrees that it helps to have the common ground of parenthood when dating a man with kids:
Ultimately, it will boil down to personal preferences, details, and experiences. Whether dating a single mom or a single father, you have to make sure that the choice is right for you and consider the benefits and consequences.
Should I be dating a man with a baby on the way?
When a baby is on the way, you need to consider whether dating is a good idea. Lovz says you might be involving yourself in an emotional tornado. However, it will all depend on the context.
โYou might want to understand why he isn't in a relationship with the woman having his child,โ she says.
Hereโs what some Reddit users thought about dating a man with a baby on the way:
Is dating a guy with a baby on the way a bad idea
byu/ThrowRA7838383k inrelationship_advice
People who date men: would you date a guy who had a child on the way?
byu/HeraBeara indatingoverthirty
Bottom line: Emmaโs final word on dating a man with kids
If you find yourself dating a man with kids, remember that he is juggling parenthood with his desire to date, he may or may not want more kids, and he may prioritize his kids over you โ at least for now.
You may be hesitant to date a guy with children but find yourself surprised by this new relationship with both him and his children โ or you may be satisfied with spending time alone with him during the time his kids are with their mom, and keeping that part of his life separate.
When dating a man with kids, be open to some magic, while also honoring your own dating goals and feelings โ pretty much like every other relationship.
No. But once the relationship becomes a serious, long-term commitment, the relationship should come before the kids' every whim. However, child wellbeing is first.
Everyone’s priorities are different, that’s a fact; another fact? My children have always been mine,PERIOD! They are adults now but I raised them on my own. Dating was not a priority to me but being a good mother to my children. I lost my mother at a young age and know first hand the importance of a loving parent in someone’s life. In my mother’s passing, I also learned my children were/are my greatest gift from life and not men. I have an AMAZING relationship with my boys, we are inseparable; they have become great men to society. Now, I can focus on me :) I’m engaged to be married. There are loser men as parents as well as women! This goes to the article writer ;-)
There is a very fine line here but you should never put your child second to anyone. This is your number one responsibility, PERIOD! Children grow up so fast and you only have one chance to raise them right. If you are a single parent with split custody, your child already lives out of a bag bouncing from house to house. They need all the positive influence their parents can give them and don’t need to feel like they come second to the newest partner in their parent life.
I think there can be a healthy balance for alone time with your partner since your are single and most likely have your child all the time. The examples the author gave I think are extreme circumstances that doesn’t reflect the majority of us in this situation. You can still make your relationship a priority without putting your kids second,
As the child of a divorced parents, I had a mother who put my brother and I first when it came to dating other people, and a father who put us second. And I have to tell you, realizing that my
Dad cared more about his relationship with some woman than he did about my brother and I was a very painful experience for a ten year old. He went through several relationships with women who actively made us feel unwanted, and while his relationship with these women always came before his children, the relationship never lasted more than a few years. On the other hand, when our mother dated she made it clear that she was a single mother whose children were her priority- and now, ten years later, we have a wonderful stepdad and 4 year old baby half brother. When you decide to bring life into this world, I think it’s important to put those kids first at least until they’re 18 and are their own adults. Children are sensitive and they’ll know when they’re second place- and it’s downright cruel to allow that to happen to kids who are totally dependent on you the way your children are. Your significant other is their own autonomous person; your children are a piece of you that still needs the nurturing to go out into the world.
What is being missed is children need to be a part of all kinds of loving relationships. Having parents/step that truly love one another is the healthiest place a child can be raised in, the only way for true live to to be possible is to be 100% committed to each other. Putting your spouse first doesn’t mean you neglect your child in any way or love them any less. It means that above all else your life long partners needs are heard and validadated and sometimes it may mean that little johnny didn’t get to go where he wanted or do what he wanted…. So oh my! We have taught that, yes! Sometimes it is not all about little Johnny’s wants, that other people matter and are important and mommy or daddy can love more than little johnny and all of that is normal! Little johnny learns dissapointment and also how to handle the negative emotions that that causes. Marriage and relationships are supposed to be lifelong….. Our jobs and responsibilities as parents are to raise our children to be well adjusted loving adults, to move on to start their own family 18 – 22 years goes by and then your lifelong partner is left. If that relationship has not been cultivated and nurtured just as a child’s life, the bond will never be strong enough to survive. It is healthy for children to know that the bond and love between parents is bigger than than they are, I believe it creates a much stronger unity which in turn give greater strength to the children. Children and teenagers who are put before spouses catch on pretty quick, it teaches them manipulation and gives them a false sense of security that the rest of the world will introduce them to as young adults and they will have no clue how to process the rejection or sense of betrayal for not being number one. I am the mother of 3, now grown….. I would step in front of a train to protect any of them, love all of them with every ounce of my being, but in order to have the unconditional love with my partner there has to be 100% trust in every area of the relationship (no talking jealousy trust) trust that i!/he feelings, thoughts, wants, needs, You have each others backs at all times that will not be possible if you are in fight mode trying to justify why johnny not wanting to be left with a sitter so you missed his company award dinner. Love, nurture, teach and protect our children YES, make them the center of our world…. Dangerous…… For everything ifalse it teaches them they will not have from 99.9 % of the people they will encounter in their life except from their life partner.
My girlfriend has two girls and i adore them but i feel as though my girlfriend does not know how to balance the kids and relationship. Some examples and you can tell me if I am crazy or not. Ill be talking to her on the phone and having a conversation. All of a sudden her kid will come up to her and instead of telling me to hold on or tell her kid to hold on until we are done speaking she will just put the phone down without saying a word and i keep talking to no one. Another example. When we are together she will be talking to her daughter 99% of the time we are together She will completely ignore me and just talk to her and act like she hasn’t seen her in weeks. Meanwhile she hasn’t seen me in week and i can’t even have a normal conversation with her. I feel as though i am just hanging out with myself. She lets the kids walk all over her and gives them whatever they want. which is why most of the time they act horrible and continue to act horrible. You don’t get rewarded for being bad but apparently in that household you do. I have told her that there needs to be a balance and i need attention too. yet nothing has changed. Im not being needy. Its not like I want all the attention but maybe some. As of right now I get none and feel like the outcast. I get the table scraps of attention.
I could not deal with that. Aside from teaching the children that it is okay to be rude, she is not being respectful. Move on, as it won’t get better.
The only person that should ever be first in someone’s life is if that person can supply all needs. Since we live in a world where people instinctively are selfish, including our children and/or spouses – the only real person, or entity, that can supply every need is God. So, I completely disagree with this article. I will never put a man before my children, nor my children before a man. I will put the Lord before everything and he will guide me through each situation on how to handle. Sometimes it is a lot deeper than setting a family example to children. Some children require a different kind of attention, and some spouses have different needs. We, ourselves, have different needs, wants AND problems – that unfortunately our children and spouses may have to deal with, as well. I agree with some of your responses Emma, I do think being healthy and making time for oneself is extremely important. I remind myself of this as a single mother. But, to say that having amazing sex is a good way to be happy, that is wrong, and that is a crude way to set a modernized example to women out there! Exercise, counseling, meeting with groups that help cope, reading, spending time with yourself (to figure out who you are and what you really want), and if you are religious, spending a lot of one on one time with God, is how you maintain a stress-free or manageable example for ones child. Make time for yourself and for your loved ones – yes, but don’t replace values for substance.
But to all those mums with spoilt brats who won’t go to bed until mummy does and insists on sleeping in her bed, at what point does the man say enough is enough, it’s a balance, of course you would expect a partners child to have priority but there also has to be respect for your own needs and the kids need to understand this,
I’m a single father, I have alternate weekend with my son and certain vacation time. I have joint legal custody, these are things that I fought to have the rights to see my child and have important bonding time with him for my and his development. So of the woman I date can’t accept the fact that one weekend is for me and my son and the other weekend is for her then she can kick bricks, BUT if she is willing to give time to get to know me and understand that one weekend is for her and the other is for my child then so be it. Women tend to want to rush things especially if they to have a child. I’m sorry I don’t want to meet your kid yet unless we are 6 months to a year into dating and I know we have an understanding on both parts. When it comes to a point of living together and my son comes over to visit that is when we can have an awesome family dynamic of half brothers/sisters and step mom or vice versa and my child feels as if they belong in the family and home.
There are many good points in this article. Yes, a relationship should be focused on the man and the woman, but at the same time each person needs to put their children first. If their children do not like the person their mother/father is going out with, then that opinion needs to come before the opinion of the parent. Otherwise the parent is being extremely selfish and only building resentment toward their parent. Also, if a parent ignores the child’s needs (using the example in this article) where the child had an altercation with the hockey coach, then the parent is subliminally telling the child that their life and needs come second. Finally I find this article fairly selfish, yes, a happy relationship between the adults is obviously a good thing and benefits everybody, but at the same time if that is all the parent is focused on, then their priorities should be reevaluated and their children are being neglected. As a child that is suffering from the divorce of my parents, and having one parent who is dating somebody none of us children like, putting the parents relationship first is the worst thing you can do.
This is a sad example of today’s worldly values. Marriage is for life as God intended. Sadly people in this world are all about Yolo! 25 years later my husband left for a child. He’s 46 she’s 30. Fine be a poor excuse but even worse he left his kids. Sees them maybe 2x week. No time for weekend visitation. He told them about the mistress early on and constantly brings her up but never introduces her. He implies she’s more important than them. As their only responsible parent I will assure you that my sexuality will be put on hold so my kids feel secure that I value them more than some instant gratification. That they learn those values so they can honor their future spouse. Your opinion is yours lady but I personally don’t agree with you. Thanks for sharing what not to do. And don’t date a divorced guy with kids and expect you’re more important than his children. That is the selfish attitude that so many entitled spouses leave their families in the first place!
Run run run , of your dating a man who overcompensates for being a divorced dad, I’m married to a man now of 4 yrs that takes his kids needs and feelings above mine, his kids are 29 and 25, when I first met the daughter she said his money is my money and will always be my money, why didn’t I run that was my first time meeting her, and he said nothing, I waited till I got him alone and asked why she thought what he worked for was hers, he said she was just playing I told hI’m that was disrespectful and that I promised him it wouldn’t happen again because I would put her in her place, his son just as bad has the mental capacity of a 12 yo can’t do anything without calling his dad they talk on the phone at least 8 times per day and he sees nothing wrong, if I walk Into the room conversation changes, im so tired and done, I’m preparing to get out of this marriage asap, if u can’t be a united front with ur husband u shouldn’t be married, but understand why he never let me around his kids when we dated makes sense now he was hiding a lot of dysfunction and the financial dependence they have with them, I would tell any woman dont get involved with a man who don’t have a functional relationship with his family the red flags were there I ignored them and I Regret ever meeting him, but it’s not over till its over, I will be in a healthy relationship again….The blessing is take what u learn and apply it to your next relationship and put God first…….peace and blessings.
So many grammar errors sorry….
Sometimes we just need a little time
Off from parenting…time to refresh and reboot ourselves. It’s nice to get away once In a great while. Nothing wrong with putting the kids in the back seat once and while. It’s not like we’re saying we don’t love our children but as adults we need time too. My fiancรฉ and I have kids of our own and we make time usually when the kids are with their father. And it’s important to to be able to get that alone time because if we don’t take time out for one another the relationship can become stale.
Oh.. Ok. Just make space for them if you want to date. That putting your children first isn’t taking the relationship seriously. So… Shoving the children off on sitters is the better answer? That’s healthier for them? Dating normally means going out as a whole unit. THAT is why it doesn’t happen, unless you are selfish enough to just tell your children, “Well I’m going out again this week. The sitter will make you something later and tuck you in.” This is HORRIBLE advice and, actually, arrogant. Smug. And by the way, My children need me more than I need a relationship. Because they’ve already experienced abandonment. And will not experience it twice because I feel like dating. They are (And despite what this arrogant article says) and SHOULD be my number one priority and relationship. In a Disney universe, sure. The “Perfect partner” will come along that doesn’t mind time split with my children. But the reality is much different. I’m a single father of two children with full physical and legal custody. So this isn’t just a “Mom” thing, which I’m really tired of hearing about too. Single fathers go through the same things and are just kind of… Dismissed. Anyone that puts another person ahead of their children is too selfish to be called a parent to begin with.
Hoping to get some insight from reading these post as I’ve been dating a man for the past six months with two beautiful girls….one 24 and one 16 and am starting to see major ‘red flags’. I am certainly mature enough to realize that there are times when the girls are a priority and times when I will be….the challenge for me (us) is that he and he only determines who, when,why and where the prioritys fall.
His relationship with his ex is so full of hate and anger and he is extremely bitter in regard to the divorce…most of his anger stems from the fact that he is retired military and lost half of his pension….more about lost $$$ than lost love. His own relationship with the girls has its major ups and downs and his tendency is to overcompensate when the times are good so that he can be ‘the cool parent…the fun parent’.
Believe me when I say the girls are very aware of how to ‘push’ their Dad’s buttons and have no problem with using him to get what they want and once they have it…go on their way. On many occassions he has made plans with them only to have them cancel minutes before or just not show up.
He has told me on more than one occassion that he’s in love with me and wants a future….he has also stated that until I can commit to a future…his children will always be his priority. Once I commit than I will then be his first priority and his children second. Why does there have to be a priority at all? It seems his love already has conditions and this is very worrisome.
When plans are made….he consults and makes plans with the children and then lets me know that of course I’m invited as well. For instance….Easter weekend is coming up and I was just informed that one of the girls wants to go out boating on Good Friday and the other on Saturday…. I’m invited to join…never once asked what plans I may have in mind.
Am I wrong to feel that perhaps I should have been included in some of this decision process or is this something I should just come to expect? Should I come to expect that his girls will always be first and foremost? It’s not like they are young children…the oldest one lives with her boyfriend and the youngest one barely spends time with him. Any advice would be very appreciated.
there are a lot of screwed up narcissistic idiots out there who use the ‘my kids come first’ excuse as a means to control their partner, and devalue them. Its not that their kids come first- its that they want to mistreat another person and use that as an excuse. Of course someones kids should come first, but if u were married to your wife or husband, wud u say that to them? these idiots are jerks usually. Really it should be an equality thing and everyone is important. guys or women who say “my kids come first” run from those losers
Jen, your awesome. I never thought that maybe his saying initially and consistently ” my kids come first” was an excuse and reason to mistreat the other person. Very powerful insight. Nice to hear this from someone else who has had this shared experience.
im tired of single parents who try to ‘date’- they dont want a partner, what they want is someone
to tell how much THAT person is going to be second to their kids, who they will spend ALL
their time with and ignore the other person. It’s not normal to just want to hang out with
your kids all the time. Normal people want a partner too. These idiot single parents
are mostly stupid people who need to stick to their kids and get out of the dating world
im not a mother, but if I was, you better damn well believe i’d be overwhelmed and lonely
and want a man. I would’t be like..well my kids come first and ur nothing. Most guys do
that to me. They don’t want a girlfriend or a date, they just want their kids
Lol @ the ignorance of this XD
I see my ex putting her kids 2nd and her lust 1st.
From my observation my ex’s poor little ones get so neglected, everywhere from hygiene, to being fed, healthy play time, medical, and much much more. I’ve had to watch this happen for a year and a half’ish now. The children are 10 months and 4 years old. The 10 month year old is my daughter.
I’ve watched time and time again her push her kids aside so she can do stuff with her bf, or play video games. It’s down right disgusting. So no she doesn’t need to be putting her bf and video games first before he kids. But hey its how her mother was while she was growing up, so its no wonder she doesn’t see the issues, she was raised to see no problem with such behavior.
To all people who are childless.Date are marry people who donot have kids.And for you people that have kids that are single.Stay away from us child free people.and date people with kids.
You might be a wealthy single mommy but you sound like an extremely anger and bitter one as well. I happen to know a single mommy who plowed her way out of her young children’s lives through several affairs and eventual divorce. Post-divorce, she put her kids second, as you suggest, and their school has had to get involved because that ‘second place’ treatment is not serving them so well in their young lives. She bought into this ‘it’a all about me’ self-obsessed newly single and free lifestyle and forgot she had kids, and when they plaintively reminded her, she took out her irritation on them. I also know a single mommy who recently shacked up with a single daddy and the looks on the kids faces are the most tragic part of it all. Single daddy and single mommy are playing the mega-watt smile Brady Bunch charade while the truth is to be found in the soul-less and sad looks in the kids eyes. Finally, I was on the child’s end myself of what it’s like to have a vapid shrew get irritated by another man’s children, adult ones, even existing. When a woman resents a man (or v.v.) putting their children first, they ought to move on. The kids were always there and will always be there. Deal with it like a graceful admirable mature woman or get your juvenile insecure mean girl ass out of there.
This is something I’ve been learning to cope with over the past 6 yrs. Providing my son with security and stability and protecting his heart after a couple failed relationships – my guilty conscious decided it was necessary to put his needs before mine, but unfortunately that wasn’t the answer either.
We want nothing more then for our kids to be happy and healthy and know they are loved, but I am a firm believer that they will have all that (and more) when our cup is overflowing… not when we are sacrificing our happiness, our wants, and our desires for what we think is in their best interest.
Wow, you can see simply by the length of this comment string, and the strong emotions expressed, that this is really a heavy-weight topic that clearly has no ready “success manual.” I am the child of divorced parents who both remarried and had additional children. As an adult, single, childless woman who has (unsuccessfully) tried to date divorced dads, I have noticed some very important things about this topic:
1) Divorced children will always be divorced children. It has been over thirty years since my parents’ divorce, and I still feel anger at having to split up my time between their two households and splitting myself up to maintain contact with them. They have not spoken in years, and with every holiday or special event, I get angst just thinking of who will get resentful because I “chose” one parent over the other. I firmly believe that the relationship between divorced parents is truly what makes the children of divorce “adjusted” or not. I have witnessed friends with divorced parents who have no trouble hanging out together and who encourage each other and have gotten over their animosity for the sake of the kids. These friends are far more successful, emotionally, in their lives than other friends who share a similar story to mine. If the children feel fulfilled and are not tugged from one side of the other, then each parent will also feel at ease and less anxious about dedicating all of their attention to them.
2) Like is like. Period. The most successful marriages come from a set of partners that have the most things in common with them, including life story, goals, morals, etc., including whether they have been divorced, or have children, or not. A single person dating a divorced person with children faces an incredible uphill battle. Within my social circle, this seems to be a true recipe for disaster, for many reasons. The few success stories in this example usually involve couples who eventually go on to have their own children together, and create their own family unit. Eventually, this family unit by its own nature develops beyond the original children. The children of the divorce (and this comes from first-person experience), need to develop their own independence and learn to grow beyond the divorce / remarriage / re-shifting and become their own people. This is the eternal burden the children of divorce carry, and what all parents need to understand: eventually children will have their own lives and are responsible for their own emotions. YOU DO NOT GET TO BLAME YOUR PARENTS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Lastly, I leave you with something my dad told me after I tearfully had to break with the love-of-my-life, divorced dad of two kids, because I was emotionally wrecked after endless fights involving his inability to schedule his time. I consider my dad the voice of wisdom because he weathered it all. He told me that the worst mistake a divorced parent can make is to dedicate all their decision-making to their children first. “Children,” he said, “grow up and leave. The one who sticks by you in your adult years, day after day, taking care of you, putting up with you, is your spouse. They’re the ones who really matter, in the end. Think about it.”
It is not fair for parents to end up alone because their children *could* grow up to harbor resentments towards them and society in general. Divorce sucks, period, but it should not EVER define you, parent or child.
My final comment is that truly whether a person has children or not is rarely ever the reason why a relationship fails. In both my relationships involving men with children, the relationships ended because: a) he had deep anger and drug issues, b) he was emotionally unavailable and had an inability to keep commitments not only with myself, but with his friends and family. It is easy to blame the children, just as it is easy to hide behind them. A true adult with firm convictions, a moral code, organized, and dedicated to their family (a solid individual), will rarely give you reason to head for the hills.
Very well written. Thank you!
Do you suggest that all single people without kids shouldn’t attempt to date others with children? Just curious because, I am a little confused as to how you feel about that.
Really great question .. https://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/14-tips-for-guys-interested-in-dating-single-moms/
Hello, I am reading this with fascination as a late thirties woman (no kids, but hopefully will try soon) in a one year relationship with a divorced dad.
I don’t think anyone yet has shared the perspective I had growing up. My mom raised us basically single, for good reasons. She ‘put us first’ to the point of never dating or re-marrying, though she had plenty of offers, by good men to. As an adult now, I look back and wish she had, because I had no male role model at all.
She didn’t do this for us. She got used to being alone and independent, and to this day, with all of us grown up, she is alone. Do you imagine how hard this is on the kids now? Since she doesn’t have someone to take care of her emotional or practical needs, guess who is on the hook? Guess who doesn’t feel now like she has time for OWN relationship? Guess who feels guilty for trying to build my own relationship with my man now and ‘abandoning’ her mother.
It is really dangerous to ‘put the kids first’ because if it continues, they, who didn’t choose to be ‘put first’, may be expected to put the parent first later (never having agreed to that deal). And they will be resented for breaking out of this expectation.
I feel sometimes that the only solution is to move to another city, but then I really WOULD be abandoning her and of course, my life, job and man are here. I love my mom, but it would be great if I could go a few days without visiting when things get really busy without a fight or guilt trip or being accused of leaving the family.
Just wanted to point out the dangers of making the kids your world. They may resent it later if you expect them to reciprocate (remember, the kids didn’t choose that, you did).
Amber – thanks for this. This is my experience, too, and I have written about it some. Thanks for sharing your story, very important.
That is incredibly insightful and well written. Maybe, you should start your own blog on the subject:)
I have a rather difficult situation and at times embarrassing(Like Right Now!) :-( Any HELP would be appreciated 1000% over…So i have been dating a woman that has 2 children for 7 years now and we are engaged also..she does not have custody of the children 100% , she can see them whenever she wants any what not …The problem i have and i think the next man would have as well is that she spends the night at her ex-husbands house to sometimes watch the kids! Or at least that what she tells me , i really have no idea what happens there but i do know that im really not OK with it at all…I don’t think its correct and i think she is definitely crossing a line that should never be crossed …we’ve had a rough relationship throughout the years…we’ve had our share of issues (alot of issues) mostly coming from her being unfaithful to me in the past and lies a lot and i mean a lot, like everything you could possibly think of she has told a lie…Its really hard to trust her on a daily basis…i find myself not wanting to ever leave her for the fear of being alone until i find another soul mate , IF i find another soul mate…and its f^%$ing hard for me to deal with the fact that she is at her ex husbands house at least once a week spending time with the kids, but like i said i don’t trust her 100% …nd i think if i was in that situation what would i do? And i come to the conclusion that i would chances are …probably have sexual relations with my ex if i were at her house in that situation…so why would she do anything different? now lately in the past idk 3 or 4 years she’s been by my side every step of the way nd shes has been faithful or at least i think? But the lies are still being told on a daily basis..i cant handle it anymore, im about to break , my heart is about to break ..ive done everything for my fiance and still do anything for her to this day…but the things she does hurts bad …real bad…someone if you could give a bit of advice…please im begging you…ui do not know if im right for thinking the way i do or wrong for thinking the way i do???? She over time has made me feel like im always wrong about everything! Please what should i do…im desperate!!!!!! And im not talking to her again until i get some feedback on my situation.. Any advice is welcome even the tell her to “kick rocks” advice as long as there’s a reasonable explanation! HELP>>>HELP :-(
And oh, i forgot to mention about VALENTINES DAY! I told him in advance ( 2 mths ago ) that i needed some alone time with him on that, in which we never have!! Did i get that? NOOO! Instead, he picked up his grandson because his son wanted him over. And when I mentioned that was suppose to be our day alone, he went left and took his grandson home and acted as if I didn’t want his grandson there at all! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HELP!! HELP!!!
I been with my ( Single Father ) bf going on 6yrs. We’ve been living, or shall i say, shacking up together for since the beginning. That was number 1 mistake I now see. His son is 14 and has been living with us for 5yrs of our relationship, and it’s been nothing but Pure Hell!! His ex-wife passed away in 2011 and his son has been with us (HIM) every since. Not only am i having problems with his over protecting relationship with his son but also with the way it seems they team up on me when i speak up, i was also having problems with him Friending random attractive women on FB and leaving flirty comments, and tells me that i’m over reacting and being very immature! The FB issue i no longer care or worry about anymore because it goes through one ear out of the other when i tell him how much it hurts. But the issue with his son is something i can no longer except!! Like i mentioned in the beginning that he lost his ex-wife and he did go through some grieving times and so did his son. The more i tried to be understanding and sympathetic towards his son the more i got rejected, so now i just speak and keep a distance. I tried to explain to his son that i would never try to take his mothers place, but if he ever needed me or to talk, i’m here. His father also told me, right infront of his son that I could never take his mothers place.. (wow)! IDK, It’s such a long story and YES he even told me infront of his son once again that HIS SON COMES FIRST! He just told me the other day that i wasn’t running sh-t INFRONT OF HIS SON, once again in our house because i was getting on bf about still allowing his son to sleep on the livingroom sofa and junk up our living room that i try my best to keep clean! BTW, his son never cleans his room even when his dad tells him to. I try not to talk down on the kid because of what happened in his life, but yess he is very spoiled and disrespectful towards his dad and I. I had to Demand his father to make him speak when he enter that house instead of walking pass me like I don’t exist!!! Look, I’m 43 yrs old with no children of my own and I heard that your 40th years are suppose to be the best years of your life, and from reading all the post and my own story, I’m planning on enjoying my life without him (bf), cause from what i’ve read, it gets no better!! Pray for me!