One of the most common and heartbreaking topics I’m asked about is dealing with fathers who don’t see their kids regularly. A mom shared a typically devastating situation:
“My ex-husband doesn’t see his child”
The woman’s 11-year-old daughter’s father would go months without seeing the girl, and instead spent all his time with his new girlfriend. When the mom asked him why he didn’t return the daughter’s phone calls, he replied: “I don’t have anything to say.”
I gave her some ideas about taking the issue to family court, and managing both the daughter’s and her own expectations (stop trying to control him — you can’t). But the advice the mom told me that was most surprising and helpful was this:
Be empathetic.
- Reasons a dad does not fight to be involved
- How long can a father not see his child?
- Absent father? How moms can support fathers
- Can you force a dad to see his child?
- How to get dads involved
“Biological father refuses to see his child.” 5 reasons a dad does not fight to be involved
I’m working on that brand of empathy as both a divorced parent and a child of divorce. My own dad was not involved in most of my life — and that devastated me in ways I don’t yet fully understand, but I have harbored a lot of anger about it and so, I have thought deeply about why do fathers abandon their child.
When you recognize that your child needs you — and you are valuable to them — you show up. You take parenting as a responsibility — not an extracurricular activity. Unfortunately, our culture dismisses fathers, and fatherhood. Think about the typical TV dad: Homer Simpson, or Al Bundy, Ray Romano. Nice guys, but bumbling idiots, and as parents, clearly inferior to mothers.
Divorce and family courts reinforce this stereotype, defaulting to visitation and custody schedules in which dads are relegated to every-other-weekend “visitors” with their own children, and told their greatest value to their children is as a breadwinner (the other side of this coin is that women are shoehorned into the primary caregiver role, and forced to be financially dependent on men. More on this in: Why is child support so unfair to fathers? A case for needed reform
Ex feels there is too much drama with kids’ mom
On the surface, “too much baby mama drama” is a petty reason not to have a relationship with your children.
But dig deeper, and you will find many men explain a history of police involvement, restraining orders, and mothers screaming at them in front of the kids. “I worried that all the conflict was hurting the kids more than if I didn’t see them, so I stepped away,” one man told me.
Of course, that is just one side of the story. You, the mom, certainly have your version of events. But consider his. Just consider it.
Here, a dad explains: “Why I don’t see my son.”
Ex did not choose to be a father in the first place
Until June 24, 2022, when the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, women in the United States have a legal, constitutional right to abortions. That means that women in the United States have a legal, constitutional right to decide if she wants to be a mother or not. While conservatives slash away at that right by closing abortion clinics, state by state, women’s access to abortion is dramatically reduced, in practicality.
However, men have virtually no reproductive rights. If a woman gets pregnant, she can choose to carry the baby to full-term, put a man’s name on the birth certificate (or not — her choice), and take him to family court for child support and visitation. The father in these cases has no rights whatsoever about deciding whether or not he wants to be a father. He can be criminally charged if he does not pay court-mandated child support.
While there is no legal repercussions for a non-custodial parent abandoning their child, it is unjust to expect any person, of any gender, to take responsibility for a person they did not choose to bring to this world.
What to do when a parent cancels visits last-minute
Ex feels incapable as a father
The world tells men they are incompetent, bumbling parents. Think of Homer Simpson, Al Bundy, Ray Ramon — even good-hearted Dre on Blackish are all fumbling, lesser parents compared with their competent wives.
This is not surprising in a time when we still herald the stay-at-home mom as martyr-saint, and defer to women as the primary parent in every family — married, separated, divorced or otherwise.
If you were the primary parent during the relationship, and your ex now has just a few days per month with the kids, it is unreasonable to expect him to get into a groove as a father, understand his kids needs and wants, and understand and grow as a dad. In fact, men often report being much better parents after divorce for all these reasons.
Malicious mother syndrome
Malicious mother syndrome is a real medical condition in which one parent is revengeful towards the other, especially in cases of divorce. Parental alienation is a key example, though any display of revengefulness that makes a relationship with the children can be a symptom of this disorder.
Ex is a deadbeat dad
I have been reading the research on this topic, and interacting with single moms and single dads for nearly a decade. There are very few fathers who actively choose to bring a child into this world, and then choose to abandon that child without any good reason.
There are many men who want to be involved, loving fathers who cannot afford to pay the child support sum ordered by the courts. That does not make him a deadbeat, or a bad father who should not be allowed to see his children. Unfortunately, those two functions are often connected: Men who cannot afford to pay child support and are at risk of being arrested for arrears. That dad is not likely to go to family court to fight for more time with his children, out of fear of jailtime for child support arrears.
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How long can a father not see his child?
If there is a custody order in place, both parents must adhere to the visitation schedule outlined in the order.
Parents who do not follow these orders risk losing custody and facing jail time.
How long can a mother keep a child from seeing his or her father?
Child custody orders typically include rules for whether one parent can move away from the other parent without consent, or travel abroad or out of state without permission from the other parent.
Withholding visitation time can quickly put you in bad standing with the court, and put you at risk for losing custody as well as jail time.
Even if there is no custody order in place, a court will likely look unfavorably on a parent who keeps a child from his or her other biological or adoptive parent or guardian. “Friendly parent factor” is an increasingly common term written into state laws, as well as practiced by family court judges, which means that courts look favorably on parents who encourage a positive relationship with the other parent.
How much time must pass of a father not seeing his child before his parental rights are relinquished?
Biological parents have the legal and fundamental right to physical custody of their child, as well as the right to make important legal decisions on behalf of their child, regardless of involvement with the child.
If a parent is absent from a child's life, whether by choice or incarceration, they will generally still be recognized by courts as having parental rights.
However, if a custodial parent dies, goes to jail or otherwise is unable or unwilling to care for their children, then the non-custodial parent, or another relative or loved one may petition the court for primary custody. Otherwise, the state will appoint a guardian, which may include foster care.
On the other hand, if a non-custodial parent does not see his or her child for an extended period, which varies by state, nothing will legally happen. However, if the custodial parent chooses to seek to have that parent's parental rights terminated, he or she may initiate that process.
The other biological parent, a legal custodian or the state would need to take a court action to terminate the absent parent’s rights.
A state views an absent parent as someone who has abandoned their child by failing to make an effort to see or bond with their child for several months or years. Each state has its own laws in this regard.
What to do when the non-custodial parent doesn't show up or cancels last minute
Absent father? How moms can support fathers
First, let’s address the fact that the “deadbeat dad” stereotype is just that: A a trope, for which the history and explanation is complicated. Edward Kruk, PhD, a shared-parenting advocate, and divorce expert, writes in Psychology Today:
Despite President Obama’s 2011 Father’s Day lament on the irresponsibility of “deadbeat fathers” footloose and fancy-free from taking responsibility for their children, in fact the two major structural threats to fathers’ presence in children’s lives are divorce and non-marital childbearing. More often than not, fathers are involuntarily relegated by family courts to the role of “accessory parents,” instead of active caregivers.
This view persists among many, despite the fact that fathers in two-parent families, before divorce, typically share with mothers at least some of the responsibility for the care of their children. This is both because fathers have taken up some of the slack while mothers work longer hours outside the home, and because many fathers are no longer content to play a secondary role as parents. Most fathers today are keen to experience both the joys and challenges of parenthood, derive satisfaction from their parental role, and consider active and involved fatherhood to be a core component of their self-identity.
Whereas parents in general are not supported as parents by our social institutions, divorced fathers in particular are often devalued, disparaged, and forcefully disengaged from their children’s lives. Researchers have found that for children, the results are nothing short of disastrous.
Father Absence, Father Deficit, Father Hunger
The vital importance of paternal presence in children’s lives. Psychology Today
Kids who miss their fathers is just a surface symptom of deep psychological and societal issue that results when one parent is missing completely or partly from a child’s life. It is not just that the father (in the majority of cases) is not present to be involved, teach, care for and share in financial responsibility.
That child for their entire lives is plagued with the question: Why doesn’t my father love me?
Princeton University scholars’ meta-review of 47 studies, The Causal Effects of Father Absence, found that children raised without regular father involvement suffered:
- Increased behavioral problems
- Greater likelihood of smoking, drug use and underage drinking
- Lower chances of graduating high school, or attaining college educations
- Less likelihood of working as an adult, and adult who were raised without the involvement of their father had lower job statuses than those who had involved fathers
More research on fatherless daughters and sons finds:
- Daughters raised without an involved father are 71% more likely to have children as teenagers
- Researchers believe that a lack of father involvement affects a child’s brain social and cognitive development
- Troves of research link father absence to childhood obesity, increased risk of gang involvement, incarceration, mental illness, poverty and homelessness
What can moms do about fatherlessness?
The biggest change that must take place before fathers will be equally involved is to change our laws and culture to respect men as equal parents to mothers.
This will not happen overnight, but changes inside of individual families contribute to informing those around us, the courts, the judges and attorneys and mediators with whom we interact, and friends and family members who observe how we behave in our co-parenting relationships. This can include:
- Aim for a low-conflict / separation. Divorce and family courts are designed to make attorneys rich by incentivizing all parties to fight to win. If possible, opt for an amicable breakup, in which everyone walks away with a fair deal, and equal time and responsibility for the children. There are several quality online divorce services that we explain and review.
- Aim to be financially independent of your ex. Money exchanged between parents increases conflict between co-parents. Studies find the more conflict between parents, the more likely the father is to check out of the children’s lives.
- Stop trying to micro-manage your ex’s parenting. If you are in a relationship with him, let him take full responsibility for caring for the kids when it is his turn — he may not do it your way, fail, screw up and try again — just like any parent. If you are separated or divorced, don’t call the kids all the time when they are with him, or otherwise control his parenting.
- Focus on mutual respect and truly equal, shared co-parenting. Stick to the rules of healthy co-parenting, and if you need help with a shared calendar, splitting expenses and tracking communication, try a co-parenting app.
Consider this excerpt from The Kickass Single Mom, my bestselling book with Penguin:
There are many ways you can do this, but in Valerie’s case, she actively reached out to her ex and explicitly supported him in being a better father. It worked:
The best advice after my divorce was from a counselor. I was complaining about the burden of having my kids most of the time because my ex (going through a period of self-loathing, pity, and guilt) was not taking the time to be with them.
She told me that my kids needed me to be 100 percent of the mom I could be to them, but being 150 percent of the mom they needed would not compensate for their dad being anything less than 100 percent of the dad they needed. I would be better off investing that extra 50 percent helping him be a better dad.
Something clicked in me and really shifted my perspective. It began with a discussion I had with their dad: “Our kids need more time with you. Our kids need you more involved in the day-to-day of their lives. Our kids need you to be 100 percent of the dad you can be. How can I help you?”
And I kept asking. Finally, one day he asked me to help him move furniture into his apartment so he could make it more of a home for them. I packed up some toys and clothes (and even dishes and cups the kids liked using) and took them to his apartment. I encouraged him to coach our son’s baseball team and I helped with its administration. I encouraged him to take one of the kids to dinner to spend time one-on-one with them while I kept the other two. He became more confident as a parent. Once I started to give, he started to give.
That was more than five years ago. Our co-parenting relationship is balanced and in a very good place. It has been for a long time now—sometimes I forget it wasn’t always.
My ex is an awesome father, but there was a time when he was not as reliable as I would have hoped, related to what I wrote about a little bit here. Over the past several years I have let go of a lot of the rage I harbored for my ex over all kinds of things.
I see now that when he is not there for the kids, it is because forces bigger and darker than him are at play. And those things prevent him from being the parent he wants desperately to be — and enjoy his children as much as he otherwise might. Recognizing that allows me to be kinder to him, spend less toxic mental energy managing the situation. I’m a happier person and better mom because of all of the above.
There is also incredible work being done in the realm of shared parenting, in which courts presume that both parents are equally competent in the face of separation and divorce, and therefore presume that both parents should share in parenting time equally. There are now 60 peer-reviewed studies that prove that shared parenting is what is best for children — including in high-conflict cases (and I know of none that have found in favor of unequal time to either parent).
What to tell your kid when their dad is not involved
The literature finds very clearly that in cases where there is conflict between the separated parents, and when parenting time is heavily weighted in favor of one parent over the other (such as the every-other-weekend, Wednesday night arrangement, which constitutes 14 percent of hours in a month), the parent with the lesser time with the child has a very high chance of checking out of the kid’s life. Argue with whether or not that is fair or ethical. That has been happening for decades or more.
Shared parenting work in both the legal and mental health realms go hand-in-hand with work on parental alienation. A study found that 11 to 13 percent of divorce cases involve parental alienation, in which one parent systematically programs a child to reject the other parent, for no good reason. This is recognized as child abuse, and a symptom of mental illness on the part of alienating parent.
These facts are important to mention here in this post about fatherlessness. The research is there: When one parent is marginalized in their children’s lives, they tend to check out. As mothers — which are granted primary custody in 80 percent of cases that go to court — we can influence these things in powerful and positive ways. When you promote equally shared parenting with your kid’s other parent, that trickles into our culture, our expectations of one another, and that influences policy and court rulings.
When co-parenting fails: Can you force a dad to see his child?
In short: It is impossible to make a non-custodial parent take responsibility for his or her child. That said, when equal parenting time is promoted through courts and culture, men are more likely to use their parenting time, and even advocate for more equal parenting schedules.
29 ways to co-parent like a pro—even when your ex is a crazy narcissist
When your heart breaks because he stood your son up again, are enraged at his disregard for your time at yet another last-minute cancelation, or your daughter knows her dad is on vacation with the new girlfriend but says he can’t afford to see her, you are 100% entitled to be livid. Because that is bullshit.
It is also a sign of a broken person. And a sign of a broken culture and parenting expectations that go far beyond just your family.
Practice forgiveness. Practice empathy. Get therapy. And activism. Read Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You, By: by Amy J. L. Baker, PhD and Paul R Fine, LCSW
Bottom line: Get dads involved
Please listen to Terry Brennan, co-founder of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, explain why default every-other-weekend visitation leads to absentee fathers:
Note that in cases where ‘standard’ visitation is awarded — every-other-weekend — fathers become depressed and non-involved, and within 3 years, one study found, 40 percent of children in an unequal visitation arrangement had lost complete touch with their non-custodial parents, which are nearly always the father. Have a listen:
One of the most important things you can do to support your kids’ father’s parenting is just that: Allow him to parent. Presuming he has not been legally proven to be an unfit parent, you must operate from the premise that he is capable of keeping the kids alive and is allowed to make all decisions when they are in his care. If you eventually have a great co-parenting relationship, you may find ways to cooperate on special diets, bedtimes, and discipline. Otherwise, he is allowed to be whatever kind of father he likes during his visits. This includes feeding them fast food, letting them stay up late, and letting them spend the night at his sister’s house even though you hate her so much about that thing that happened at your wedding.
Do not call or text him or the kids frequently during their visits. Except for unusually long visits—which could be more than three or four days for very young children, or more than several weeks for older kids—do not call, FaceTime, text, or otherwise ask to engage with the kids. You must allow their dad to get into his own groove of parenting without your interference, and your kids should be allowed to get into the groove of life at their dad’s house.
Advice for mothers raising sons alone
I understand that you may miss them and worry they are having experiences that you will not share. I appreciate that this can be sad. But this is part of separated family life, and the sooner you embrace the wonderful benefit of having an actively involved, loving dad and fill your kid-free time in a meaningful way, the sooner these absences will stop being sad, and all parties involved can relax and flourish in the rhythms of your life. Plus, your children will sense if your calls stem from your own broken heart, and feel a need to care for you. That is not children’s job.
Ready to take action? Join MomsForSharedParenting.org — an activist org devoted to changing policy, law, culture and attitudes around parenthood. Time for 50/50 default parenting!
And report in the comments how it’s going.
Movies and books on single motherhood, divorce and co-parenting:
Recommended shared parenting documentary: Divorce Corp
Kickass Single Mom, Be Financially Independent, Discover Your Sexiest Self, and Raise Fabulous, Happy Children, By: Emma Johnson
Blend, The Secret to Co-Parenting and Creating a Balanced Family, By: Mashonda Tifrere
Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing, By: Dr. Richard A. Warshak
It is impossible to make a non-custodial parent take responsibility for his or her child.
If there is a custody order in place, both parents must adhere to the visitation schedule outlined in the order. Parents who do not follow these orders risk losing custody and facing jail time.
As a friend to a single dad, I watched him have to have the awful realization about many father’s he had hoped to help when he started his support group for fathers going through a divorce involving child custody. He thought he could show them how to protect their rights and understand what it took to get shared or sole custody of their kids. What he learned was most didn’t even file for joint custody let alone sole custody. They would use the excuse that it wouldn’t matter if they tried for it when, really, they didn’t actually want the responsibility of caring for kids. How could they get out and find a new woman if they had kids to look after? What they hoped he could show them was how to get around paying child support. So many just buy into the evil ex wife and unfair courts narrate because it’s easy. The new GF of course wants to believe the guy blameless, isn’t hearing the full story, and often doesn’t really want the kids around either.
We need more father’s who don’t see child care as an emasculating burden.
Ugh, I hate reading this, but know it is true. What do you suggest as the solution?
I wish my husband would see our daughter. I really have kept a very amicable relationship with him, but he always has some reason to not talk to us or see us. Really it’s the reason the divorce was filed to begin with. There is no new boyfriend, I allow him to stay with us when he visits as he lives far away. I wish I knew how to make him want to be her father.
Sorry. Alot of women are such jealous and vindictive creatures. My husbands ex wife is sooooo difficult since him and I met after their divorce. She makes every time we have to pick him up so difficult, for instance…she wants us to drive to her house hours away, because she wants several weeks notice or else she has “plans” otherwise. She always has something to “talk about” even when things are fine. Every time things are not going well in her life or stalks my FB page, she is emailing him about non sense (he cut her off bc of her psychotic behavior from talking to him directly about their son). If not, she is taking him to court to get more,ones or make his life difficult, one of the two. I am so sick of it all.
That’s what he tells you. It’s the same pattern of behaviour with men she was probably abandoned by him. He’s then met you and obviously not going to tell you the truth! Always 2 sides to a story he was probably no angel but your love struck ATM with him I hope he doesn’t go on to do the same to you one day. As for him and his child with her this is now none of your business, their child together their business.
Seriously, a bunch of hens in here. Yep I said it. Let’s talk about some perspective shall we? Would love to see that paradigm shift where the kids would stay with the man automatically without some major fight, and the woman could be relegated to two weekends a month, and a check. Grow some tits, would ya. Yea, if a man ghosts, don’t blame him. Everything will be fine for the kids, the mom. Life goes on.
10 million kids haven’t seen there fathers in over a year. Question of the day. Who is raising the deadbeats? I’ve got news for the mothers here, particularly those with boys. The odds are very good that you will see through your own child how he is forced out of the lives of his children. You at that point will feel just as helpless as him…unless you do something now!
Boy, what I would of done to have had a wife that didn’t want to engage in trafficking my children to their new boyfriend and out of my life. Yes, 2 divorces…my children have been kept from me every time including a separation midway of the 2nd marriage. Lawyers said I couldn’t win every time I was faced with this denial of access to my children. I was discouraged to seek a meaningful relationship. That’s what it is when a lawyer tells you that. One of them is a judge now. I’m one of the lucky few. I survived the malicious domestic violence charges x2 (one each ex)…I survived being made homeless…I survived social service investigations. I survived a society that discouraged my involvement with my children and made it very clear that all they were interested in is my money. I’m lucky in that the truth came out…many are not that fortunate but all are discouraged from day one. I saw 1st hand the benefits of my children maintaining meaningful relationships with both parents. The oldest daughter is a senior in college and lives with me. The youngest daughter is a senior in high school and enjoys both her parents equally.
I am really sorry you went through this. Not everyone is so evil, truly. You are a good man to fight for your children.
I’ve read many of these posts and I get the feeling that every situation is different. But I do see some truth in Emma’s post about low self worth being a factor in not seeing the kids sometimes for myself. I’m up late at night wrestling with this issue and I don’t see a situation like the one I’m in so here’s a slightly different perspective. I’m a Dad of a five year old boy, I was never married to his mother, we dated briefly and she got pregnant. She didn’t want to try to make it work with me despite the fact that I was willing. In fact she wanted me to disappear and blamed me for ruining her life in many different ways by getting her pregnant, her body would be ruined, she will lose wages and position in her career, and no man will want her. Her entire pregnancy passed refusing to see me despite my best efforts. She expressed that she was going to raise the child alone and didn’t want or need any help from me. Yes she is a “strong” independent career woman. However, she agreed to see me a couple weeks before she was due and told me she was expecting a boy and his name would be “boy”. Then I got a call saying that the child was born and I could see him in a week if I wanted, this was four days after he was born. Over the course of the pregnancy I wrestled with the idea of not being in the child’s life. At the same time I investigated legal options to be a part of the child’s life if she was going to contest it. This was a stressful time. I decided to go see him. It took a lot of courage but I went to see him, and continued to see him at her house twice a week for the first two years. It was very difficult at first as she was very cold but I went out of my way to be helpful around her house and spend quality time with the boy and make the best of the situation. The child and I have built as close to a normal father son relationship that is possible under the circumstances. I have sent more than the guideline child support never missing a month, without a legal agreement or even being asked, or having it acknowledged by her. I always hoped that his mom and I would get together and we would be a happy family because that was the only happy outcome I could imagine, and for a short period we were trying to make it work, I think only because I was so nice she felt obligated. But it was not to be. There was too many trust issues and I won’t get in to the lies and deception too much, but I did find out she was with somebody else while she was pregnant and the first 2 years of the boys life. I should have seen that! (He looks exactly like me so I don’t question if I’m the father.) A few months after my illusion of having a normal family was gone she started dating another person and that is when my struggles started again. I found it difficult to separate my anger with her, from my relationship with my son. I missed a few visits here and there, and the visits I had with him were strained. I know this was not fair to him but I couldn’t control it and fake a happy attitude all the time. Over the past year I’ve struggled with this and missed some more visits periodically and actually contemplated not seeing my son any more since she recently moved in with this other man and his kids. We were never really together but I had enough of a relationship with her that I felt a part of my sons entire life for the first 3 years of his life. Since she’s completely moved on she says that if I want to know something then I can ask and she will answer but she is not going to make any special effort to talk to me because she has a busy life. This is very hard for me because I live 1.5 hours drive away and only see him once a week. I miss him so much all week and the visit is too short. It’s a painful weekly cycle and I know I can’t cut off contact with him but it seems like a way out of the pain sometimes and if I’m struggling I want to spare him my frustration. I’ve never dated anyone else since he was born because I’ve been afraid of being pulled away from him. So yes it is about self worth in a big way in my case because I feel worthless sometimes. Even though she has always been accommodating about seeing him and doesn’t directly cause me any grief, everything else she does says I don’t have any value. I know I shouldn’t count on this from her, I should just look at my sons face and listen to positive words from my friends and family. But I often think that if she made an effort to talk to me about our sons life and included me in decisions a little bit I could be a better father. I hope I will never break contact with him, but it is difficult, especially when I’ve always been a fringe player in his life. I know it will get easier to contact him directly as he gets older, and if I can move to his city I can be a bigger part of his life. I’m even starting to think that I should move on to another relationship with the right person, as long as they don’t try to take me away from my son.
What about when it is the mother. She has a new boyfriend but is in a tight spot, or sick, or can’t get better working schedule. I am the 11 year old child’s dad’s girlfriend who lives and has taken care of h I’m since he was 7. Everytime he sees her he comeshome crying and upset and lists her excuses. (Which he believes every word she says). We never say anything negative about her to him but it makes me so livid. His father had a widow maker heart attack Jan of 2016 . We are in a tight spot but take care of him everyday. We ask her for nothing but to see him. She pays nothing. Provides no transportation when she does agree to see him and part of the b time provide food for him when he is there. My kids are grown and raised them mostly alone and had back surgery ect ect but still took care of my kids. I do not understand and not sure what to do anymore. I am so over watching his heart getting broken repeatedly.
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Interesting reading! Heartbreaking comments here. I’m convinced that one day it will be illegal for a man to fail to give his time to his children just as it is now illegal (here in the UK at least) for him to fail to pay maintenance for those children. Currently, we just accept that a man will often break contact and not be involved with his children after he and the mother break up. We just accept it! I receive no money from my ex (he doesn’t earn enough) and I pay all my own bills by working from home through the night after my little one is in bed and on a couple of mornings when she’s in nursery. I look after her pretty much full time All th rest of my time. Meanwhile her father is free to work full time and do whatever he likes in the evenings and at weekends. He lives in the NEXT STREET from us! How is this right? I’m not wasting my energy to pursue him but my heart is breakng for my daughter.
As you can tell, I couldn’t give a fxxx about sympathising with the fact that the father might be a broken man, with low self esteem issues. Grow some balls and step up,to your responsibilities! There is no excuse for failing to be involved in your children’s lives and failing to co-parent.
Valid point.
I used to think they were deadbeats too…until they tried to beat me dead by refusing contact…really sad society doesn’t want to help those fathers
I really appreciate this, thank you.
My son’s father sucks and I honestly don’t care that he doesnt spend much time with his son. I’m so tired of hearing “I don’t want another man around my son”. He disrespects my boyfriend terribly. He’s so worried about someone else being around his child and the fact that I’m with someone new. He doesn’t even give me the child support payments like he’s supposed to. I’m trying not to get it court ordered. He comes to my job tryingto start trouble (my boyfriend works there too). I feel like this is gonna be my life forever. He comes in my househouse without invitation and doesn’t want to leave. That’s why I hate when he comes to my door. I think I need a restraining order. Banding on my door in the middle of the night. I can’t take it anymore.
You need a restraining order ASAP.
Sometimes a restraining is necessary like in cases of violence, stalking, sexual assault etc. Most judges do not arbitrarily hand out restraining orders with out any evidence of the above mentioned occurances. She still allowed to be upset with her ex as to why he created the environment that prevents him from being around his children.
Evidence is saying he did it. Boom! Restaining order! Ask me how I know. Sadness is seeing her charged with filing malicious charges while sitting on the witness stand and not even getting so much as a fine.
I’ve got a situation for anyone who cares to give some perspective or insight. When my ex left me, I moved back near family a couple hours away (I understand I created some distance here), and my ex agreed to the move and took every other weekend, half of holidays, etc. At first he would do 1 overnight instead of 2 when my daughter was young then the mother of his first child complained (I guess he cut back time with his first too) and he started taking her for both nights.
He’s been pretty religious about taking her every other weekend, occasionally he will try to cancel Fri at the last minute and want me to change my plans around to accomodate taking her halfway Saturday instead and I tell him he needs to be a parent and find a sitter then (if he didn’t request it last minute it would be a diff story).
Anyhow, recently we worked out holiday time and he was going to pass on thanksgiving time at all again (he did this last year also) and I had to talk him into taking thanksgiving at all (he’s taking 2 nights, I’m taking 2 nights). Then a couple weeks ago he complained that daughter wasn’t calling him anymore (she’s 2), and I told him: she wasn’t asking for it, he wasn’t asking for it, why doesn’t he set it up to call her if he wants to talk? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a grown man to own his own relationship with his daughter. But anyhow he pretty much ignored and come the day after my weekend when I usually had her call him, still no attempts at a call, so I had her call him before bed. No answer. I don’t get his deal. Daughter seems a lower priority than a few other things in his life, he seems uninterested in time with her, but then he makes a complaint, and I come through (and have her call him) and then doesn’t answer. What’s the point of that? Is that a broken person like your article said or am I missing something?
All I see is bitter comments from bitter women.
You should be questioning your selves for sleeping with that man.
Not all men are the same, I got a girl pregnant and didn’t know. She then cheated on me and started a relationship with that guy.
I contacted he plenty of times asking if the child could possibly be mine. She always said no it was the other guys.
Well after he got put in a federal prison for seventeen years, it was a different story. She then had a different side and story. She wanted me in the kids life.
Unfortunately, I moved on and got over the hurt of never seeing my kid before the guy she wanted in her life screwed up and got locked away in jail.
So when the other guy got sentenced to 17 years, my kid was already a year and half old. I have no feeling towards the kid what so ever because I wasn’t their when it mattered and I personally don’t ever want to be there.
Does me not wanting to be in my kids life make me a bad person? No, it makes me someone that moved on from a situation I never wanted part of. Even though I tried before the kid was born, the mother to this day cannot understand why I don’t want to be in the kids life, it has done nothing but make her a bitter and bad mother.
Yes I feel bad about some situations women are in because they truly did get hurt by a bad guy. Except holding on to your bitterness about how he treated you and your kid or kids will never fix anything and quite frankly makes you a bad mother for not showing your kid or kids the mature way to move on and make your life better.
Some women quite frankly use the system to try and have power over a guy they lost. If women really wanted the man in the kids life, try not making him a slave to the system and treating him like human. The man is no longer in your life, there for you have no say or control what he does in his or his kids life.
I am a absent father of my child and I will never be in her life. Quite frankly I’m not a dead beat father, I pay my child support, that’s my part, if women or the mother of my child can’t accept that then maybe they should have petite red them selves from having hose kids with that boy or man.
Seems like a pretty jaded opinion everyone has… how about from a man’s point of view?
I was kicked out of the home by the woman who was cheating.. she seemed to enjoy slutting it up with just about any guy that came near her. I gave her everything – walked away from the home, and all belongings but that wasn’t good enough. Half… she ended up also with half my paychecks. Child support isn’t just “10% of a paycheck”, those deductions are before taxes so you get hit twice as hard.
Then the court costs… I spent over $15k initially since she wanted even more than half. Every time she lied about something to keep me from seeing the kids, it was an easy $1k or more wasted to defend the lies.
Currently, I’m about $35k wasted on trying to see the kids, trying to see them – hell, she won’t even let them call me, nor does she encourage them to call me. She bans them from facebook (under their real names, I’ve managed to find them under fake names) so I’m not in touch with them. Gifts always “go missing/lost in the mail” (even though successfully delivered).
So, I’ve pretty much given up on the attempt to see the kids… is it a self worth issue – not one bit. It’s where I’ve had to draw the line between me moving on and enjoying the rest of my life vs throwing every ounce of energy and resources (including financial) into fighting this greedy ignorant woman.
Your article is pretty jaded and one sided. Do some research with the fathers that have had their children taken away all for the purpose of the women getting a free paycheck.
My ex and I finally separated after 27 years and four children, HE moved out because I still had hope that he would seek professional advice for his emotional detachment. This was difficult for me to accept as even though it was hard I believed him to be a stronger peson than to just walk away. There wasn’t anyone involved in the separation. And as far as I know it is still that way.
However, he does not make time to see our daughter who is 2 and a half. He’s too busy, tired etc etc etc, but not too tired to go away for the weekend or a few days abroad, or just sit a watch tv for an evening. He has turned up 8pm/ 9pm AFTER his ritual evening sauna because he ‘needed’ to see her. I’ve tired to maintain a civil relationship with him but he tries my patience and is rude and offensive towards me. He doesn’t answer calls, which aren’t very many, or reply to the odd text regarding our other children. He does not communicate with our twenty year old who still lives with me. My daughter adores her daddy, she wakes up at night calling him and misses him dreadfully. She is very bright and loving but I see his time with her as he is addressing his needs and not hers.
I truly feel sorry for the fathers who cannot see their children and cannot imagine what it must be like for them. But this guy…….as my mother says ….. should be shot with a ball of his own s…t. I just don’t get it, we are over, I accept that, but to behave in a way that damages your child’s right to form secure attachments is so bloody wrong.
Maybe it’s not the man. maybe it’s the nagging women. See, men know if they come and see there kid, odds are they have to see their lame A** Ex as well. And she’ll most likely talk about problems and concerns. I.e Well why aren’t you paying child support? Your not sending enough child support? I need you to do this? I need you to do that? You are coward for running off and leaving us! Etc,. Also what about the family courts there are only in the benefit of making money and not actually helping families and fathers have a equal right in the matter? ( It needs reform)!
Why not address the issue of men who are alienated and not provided an opportunity to equally be involved in the child’s life?
The court system doesn’t provide for the dad’s who want to be highly involved equitably included.
30% court mandated visitation isn’t parenting a child.
I cant speak for the men who don’t want inclusion, but what about equality for those of us that do?
Very true. It isn’t right.
Hahahahahaha!! None of you “women” deserve a decent man!! The reason most dads don’t see their kids is because of spiteful vindictive child abusing mothers… Parental Alienation IS CHILD ABUSE!! Women who don’t allow the father to see their kids (89% of separated mothers) DONT DESERVE THE NEXT MAN THEY TRY TO EXPLOIT TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING!! Y’all are just grave digging Black Widows!! Then you wonder why your child has abandonment issues, feelings of rejection and low sense of self worth… It’s a good thing courts are starting to jail vile blood sucking scum like yourselves for child abuse then awarding custody to the alienated fathers lol you all deserve it, you cut off half your child’s family tree. That is fathers, grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins. If you abuse your child in this way, you obviously really hate the man who was one day good enough to have kids with, now with your post natal depression, not only do you think it’s ok to murder your baby (when a baby is murdered by a parent 71% of the time it was the mother who committed the murder) but you obviously think it’s ok for you to commit spousal abuse as well by denying access -you might get away with that one too just like you get away with murdering your baby…But you won’t get away with abusing your child much longer (haha) more and more countries are jailing the alienators…Time for some of that feminist “equality” to work against you…as a woman’s idea of “equality” is “special treatment for me” …If you women actually fought for equality you would fight for equal prison sentencing for women (instead of getting a sixteenth of the prison sentence a man gets FOR THE EXACT SAME CRIME) …Ha! You self entitled women are truly unbelievable and incredible…how about: #MakeLawsGenderNeutral #EqualPrisonSentencingForWomen #JailFalseAccusers #NotYourRight #EndFemalePrivilege #EndSexism #FeminismIsSexism #EndFeminism #HumanRightsNotWomensRights #Misandry #MGTOW #21fathers #MaleLivesMatter #MenArePeopleToo
I’m sorry about your experience, it’s obvious that you are so very angry about it. Not all women are like the one(s) who have left you this angry. People seem to forget it is the children who end up the victims in all of this.
All these haggles back and forth of fathers, in pain and mothers, feeling justified in what they do. My only question is, If roles/positions were switched right from the beginning of the divorce and every single attitude, behavior, action done from one parent to the other, is switched around, will those, especially the mothers, like to be treated exactly the same way they have treated the fathers? Would they be happy? If the children were taken away, their paychecks garnished, now made a visitor to your own children, badmouthed, alienated, efforts to be a parent blocked/frustrated, never see them again, missed every holiday, birthday, school day..Would they feel resentment, brokenness, anger at the other parent?
Of course yes,…. That should tell you who and what kind of humanoid you are.
Amen. It’s humilating to have to come and see my kids in the house I paid for which was ripped away from me by my ex together with all my accounts, car and possessions. It’s such a thrill to go over there to visit them. Hey maybe I will even get to see the new guy she cheated on me with. NOT!
It’s women who initiate the vast number of divorces for cash and prizes ripping the family apart in the process. I never wanted a divorce and fought hard for a couple of years trying just about everything. She never lifted a finger or even cared. She was in a position to get everything after I worked for many years to build our family nest egg to a sizable level. We had a dream life with wonderful kids. No abuse. She started flirting on social media, getting back in touch with past classmates. One thing led to the another and she was suddenly dealing with several different guy “friends”. Told me she wasnt in love anymore and staying just for the kids. That was it. Out the door I went. She tried for 2 years after that to use the kids in every way possible to manipluate me. I finally told her I was done talking with her forever as I was sick and tired of being used and drained further after a gut wretching divorce which I am still trying to recover from. It is truly awful. If I had known that the aftermath of a divorce would be so awful I truly would never have married or had kids. It wasnt worth it. Divorce is devasting. And I’m sorry. In this day and age women can’t be trust.
I advise all men to never marry and go MGTOW. Protect yourself. Sadly many men’s stories are similar to mine. I’ve talked with literally hundreds of guys around the world. The stories are amazing. We were good husbands and good fathers. It is a tradgedy all the way around expecially for the kids. We didnt want it this way. It was forced upon us.
I think that a child deserves a relationship with both parents, but when one parent wants that relationship on their terms only it has become not about the child but them. I’m a single, unmarried mom of a now 14 month old. I work full time plus some. I’ve been solely responsible for my son since day one with regards to insurance, diapers, housing, daycare, etc. It has been a completely disastrous financial struggle for myself with no help from his father. I have consulted an attorney regarding child support but bc my ex works under the table & gets paid I cash….and I have undeniable income I would end up paying him. Wow right??? So I never pushed the issue & went about my life. After not hearing from my sons father for almost 6 months, around the end of April I hear from his new live-in girlfriend telling me that she is a part of my sons life & they will see him on a certain date. I was taken aback & did respond cordially & formally that she would meet my son on my terms, not hers & that this was an issue for me & my sons father to discuss. Fast forward to a visit I allowed my son to have with his father, keep in mind we are talking about an 11 month old baby at the time & I arrive & not only is the live in girlfriend there at his parents house….they (my sons father & his parents) were appalled that I would object to someone they have known a month spend the night with my son, let alone my ex & I & this girl had all spoke about meeting my son. Long story short they had me arrested for trespassing & simple assault after I slapped his dad for being an ass during the pick up & im now in an uphill battle to keep my son. Don’t let these deadbeat dads push you to the edge ladies!!!!
Hello everyone, “robinson.buckler@ yahoo. com” helped me out when i thought my life is lost don’t know where its going……… It all started when the father of my two kids left me and sworn never to have anything to do with me and all effort to get him back prove to be abortive and i decided to let things be the way they are cause i felt my life is lost don’t know where its going. But Priest Andrew came into the picture and things turned out to be how i have ever wanted it to be……….I will forever be grateful to him for the rest of my life, Am so happy!!!!!!!!!!
As a father who is dealing with the psycho ex, 17 hearings, 2 trials, 1 contempt trial, 57 motions and $400,000 in legal fees… That’s all her I have only responded never filed a single motion representing myself in court because I can’t afford to maintain my home pay child support and feed and cloth our son when he is with me and fight in court. I moved 1500 miles from Arkansas to be here in SO Cal where the cost of living is 10 times higher then back home. I pay $800 a month just for a studio. I don’t have a car at the moment and have to take the bus to see our son on my weekends. His mother provides none of the transportation.
Now what amazes me about all of this is she is constantly telling me that I am a lousy father and that I need to just pay my child support and leave. I started out with 2 hours a week seeing our son after I was the primary caretaker and stay at home parent. I have since that time fought my way to 1st and 3rd weekends and 8 hours every other Christmas Eve.
But despite her constant emotional abuse and harassment I stay here for our son. I know it would destroy him if I wasn’t here. And yes it pisses me off every time I hear some idiot sperm donor talk about how he never has anything to do with his kids.
I just wanted to thank you for acknowledging that some of us dads do have a hard time with the ex. Your report was very enlightened and educated refreshing compared to the typical dead beat dad beat men up stuff that normally gets put out there.
I’m sorry your circumstances are so challenging, and I really am glad to hear from a dad who is being a dad despite a difficult co-parent. Thank you for sharing here.
My daughters, 10 and 15, are becoming less and less interested in a relationship with their father. I’ve tried to salvage it, but his choices are impossible to defend. We were married 15 years. He met another woman and wanted a divorce. We agreed to split our assets 50-50 and even though I had been a stay at home mom I did not pursue spousal support. He chose standard visitation of 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends only, one night a week for dinner, and basic child support required by law. He did not want the daily responsibility an equal split would require of him. I get child support accordingly and spend it all on supporting my girls. I budget and track that his child support does not pay for me. He refused to agree to any extra for school activities/college. Things started out fine, except he canceled visitations often. A year later, he is now picking the children up for most visits but him and his wife stay in their bedroom for most of the weekend. The children are not allowed to eat without permission, but the adults don’t get out of bed until afternoon, so I send snacks with them. Their father tells them he can’t afford basic necessities they ask him for, such as soap. They pack for his house like it’s a hotel, not another home. The girls say they don’t feel welcome or wanted. Him and his wife do not respond to my attempts at communication. I follow the divorce decree to the letter to avoid issues. He cancels most weeknight dinner visits saying it’s not enough time to get them and he can’t afford eating out. He’s stopped paying 50% of medical bills now too. At first I felt concerned money was an issue. I thought, if he’s so broke why doesn’t he tell the attorney general that he can’t afford the child support and get it reduced. However, they recently told the girls they are building a million dollar custom home and showed them the architectural plans. Talk about a slap in the face. The girls are clearly aware of his money excuses not matching such an extravagant purchase. It’s hurtful and there’s no excuses, not he’s insecure, not he’s angry he isn’t a more involved parent, nothing. He doesn’t have a terrible ex-wife harassing him or turning his kids against him so he has to run and hide. He’s just an asshole. A self-centered, middle age, jerk who prioritizes his new wife’s wishes over his children. And they’re on to him all by themselves. So the part about wanting the wallet, but wishing he would go away is true. I use his child support to care for them, but I wish our daughters didn’t have to see the person their father has become.
This sounds so sad, I’m sorry for all of you. Ultimately, we cannot control our kids’ dads, or protect our children from that pain. All you can do is build a great life of your own, earn your own money, let your kids understand that money does not buy happiness, but self-made success pretty much does.
You’re so right! That’s exactly what I’ve said the entire time.
Alison, you’re a decent person, even after it all, your children’s welfare is your main concern. Stay strong.