One of the most common and heartbreaking topics I’m asked about is dealing with fathers who don’t see their kids regularly. A mom shared a typically devastating situation:
“My ex-husband doesn’t see his child”
The woman’s 11-year-old daughter’s father would go months without seeing the girl, and instead spent all his time with his new girlfriend. When the mom asked him why he didn’t return the daughter’s phone calls, he replied: “I don’t have anything to say.”
I gave her some ideas about taking the issue to family court, and managing both the daughter’s and her own expectations (stop trying to control him — you can’t). But the advice the mom told me that was most surprising and helpful was this:
Be empathetic.
- Reasons a dad does not fight to be involved
- How long can a father not see his child?
- Absent father? How moms can support fathers
- Can you force a dad to see his child?
- How to get dads involved
“Biological father refuses to see his child.” 5 reasons a dad does not fight to be involved
I’m working on that brand of empathy as both a divorced parent and a child of divorce. My own dad was not involved in most of my life — and that devastated me in ways I don’t yet fully understand, but I have harbored a lot of anger about it and so, I have thought deeply about why do fathers abandon their child.
When you recognize that your child needs you — and you are valuable to them — you show up. You take parenting as a responsibility — not an extracurricular activity. Unfortunately, our culture dismisses fathers, and fatherhood. Think about the typical TV dad: Homer Simpson, or Al Bundy, Ray Romano. Nice guys, but bumbling idiots, and as parents, clearly inferior to mothers.
Divorce and family courts reinforce this stereotype, defaulting to visitation and custody schedules in which dads are relegated to every-other-weekend “visitors” with their own children, and told their greatest value to their children is as a breadwinner (the other side of this coin is that women are shoehorned into the primary caregiver role, and forced to be financially dependent on men. More on this in: Why is child support so unfair to fathers? A case for needed reform
Ex feels there is too much drama with kids’ mom
On the surface, “too much baby mama drama” is a petty reason not to have a relationship with your children.
But dig deeper, and you will find many men explain a history of police involvement, restraining orders, and mothers screaming at them in front of the kids. “I worried that all the conflict was hurting the kids more than if I didn’t see them, so I stepped away,” one man told me.
Of course, that is just one side of the story. You, the mom, certainly have your version of events. But consider his. Just consider it.
Here, a dad explains: “Why I don’t see my son.”
Ex did not choose to be a father in the first place
Until June 24, 2022, when the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, women in the United States have a legal, constitutional right to abortions. That means that women in the United States have a legal, constitutional right to decide if she wants to be a mother or not. While conservatives slash away at that right by closing abortion clinics, state by state, women’s access to abortion is dramatically reduced, in practicality.
However, men have virtually no reproductive rights. If a woman gets pregnant, she can choose to carry the baby to full-term, put a man’s name on the birth certificate (or not — her choice), and take him to family court for child support and visitation. The father in these cases has no rights whatsoever about deciding whether or not he wants to be a father. He can be criminally charged if he does not pay court-mandated child support.
While there is no legal repercussions for a non-custodial parent abandoning their child, it is unjust to expect any person, of any gender, to take responsibility for a person they did not choose to bring to this world.
What to do when a parent cancels visits last-minute
Ex feels incapable as a father
The world tells men they are incompetent, bumbling parents. Think of Homer Simpson, Al Bundy, Ray Ramon — even good-hearted Dre on Blackish are all fumbling, lesser parents compared with their competent wives.
This is not surprising in a time when we still herald the stay-at-home mom as martyr-saint, and defer to women as the primary parent in every family — married, separated, divorced or otherwise.
If you were the primary parent during the relationship, and your ex now has just a few days per month with the kids, it is unreasonable to expect him to get into a groove as a father, understand his kids needs and wants, and understand and grow as a dad. In fact, men often report being much better parents after divorce for all these reasons.
Malicious mother syndrome
Malicious mother syndrome is a real medical condition in which one parent is revengeful towards the other, especially in cases of divorce. Parental alienation is a key example, though any display of revengefulness that makes a relationship with the children can be a symptom of this disorder.
Ex is a deadbeat dad
I have been reading the research on this topic, and interacting with single moms and single dads for nearly a decade. There are very few fathers who actively choose to bring a child into this world, and then choose to abandon that child without any good reason.
There are many men who want to be involved, loving fathers who cannot afford to pay the child support sum ordered by the courts. That does not make him a deadbeat, or a bad father who should not be allowed to see his children. Unfortunately, those two functions are often connected: Men who cannot afford to pay child support and are at risk of being arrested for arrears. That dad is not likely to go to family court to fight for more time with his children, out of fear of jailtime for child support arrears.
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How long can a father not see his child?
If there is a custody order in place, both parents must adhere to the visitation schedule outlined in the order.
Parents who do not follow these orders risk losing custody and facing jail time.
How long can a mother keep a child from seeing his or her father?
Child custody orders typically include rules for whether one parent can move away from the other parent without consent, or travel abroad or out of state without permission from the other parent.
Withholding visitation time can quickly put you in bad standing with the court, and put you at risk for losing custody as well as jail time.
Even if there is no custody order in place, a court will likely look unfavorably on a parent who keeps a child from his or her other biological or adoptive parent or guardian. “Friendly parent factor” is an increasingly common term written into state laws, as well as practiced by family court judges, which means that courts look favorably on parents who encourage a positive relationship with the other parent.
How much time must pass of a father not seeing his child before his parental rights are relinquished?
Biological parents have the legal and fundamental right to physical custody of their child, as well as the right to make important legal decisions on behalf of their child, regardless of involvement with the child.
If a parent is absent from a child's life, whether by choice or incarceration, they will generally still be recognized by courts as having parental rights.
However, if a custodial parent dies, goes to jail or otherwise is unable or unwilling to care for their children, then the non-custodial parent, or another relative or loved one may petition the court for primary custody. Otherwise, the state will appoint a guardian, which may include foster care.
On the other hand, if a non-custodial parent does not see his or her child for an extended period, which varies by state, nothing will legally happen. However, if the custodial parent chooses to seek to have that parent's parental rights terminated, he or she may initiate that process.
The other biological parent, a legal custodian or the state would need to take a court action to terminate the absent parent’s rights.
A state views an absent parent as someone who has abandoned their child by failing to make an effort to see or bond with their child for several months or years. Each state has its own laws in this regard.
What to do when the non-custodial parent doesn't show up or cancels last minute
Absent father? How moms can support fathers
First, let’s address the fact that the “deadbeat dad” stereotype is just that: A a trope, for which the history and explanation is complicated. Edward Kruk, PhD, a shared-parenting advocate, and divorce expert, writes in Psychology Today:
Despite President Obama’s 2011 Father’s Day lament on the irresponsibility of “deadbeat fathers” footloose and fancy-free from taking responsibility for their children, in fact the two major structural threats to fathers’ presence in children’s lives are divorce and non-marital childbearing. More often than not, fathers are involuntarily relegated by family courts to the role of “accessory parents,” instead of active caregivers.
This view persists among many, despite the fact that fathers in two-parent families, before divorce, typically share with mothers at least some of the responsibility for the care of their children. This is both because fathers have taken up some of the slack while mothers work longer hours outside the home, and because many fathers are no longer content to play a secondary role as parents. Most fathers today are keen to experience both the joys and challenges of parenthood, derive satisfaction from their parental role, and consider active and involved fatherhood to be a core component of their self-identity.
Whereas parents in general are not supported as parents by our social institutions, divorced fathers in particular are often devalued, disparaged, and forcefully disengaged from their children’s lives. Researchers have found that for children, the results are nothing short of disastrous.
Father Absence, Father Deficit, Father Hunger
The vital importance of paternal presence in children’s lives. Psychology Today
Kids who miss their fathers is just a surface symptom of deep psychological and societal issue that results when one parent is missing completely or partly from a child’s life. It is not just that the father (in the majority of cases) is not present to be involved, teach, care for and share in financial responsibility.
That child for their entire lives is plagued with the question: Why doesn’t my father love me?
Princeton University scholars’ meta-review of 47 studies, The Causal Effects of Father Absence, found that children raised without regular father involvement suffered:
- Increased behavioral problems
- Greater likelihood of smoking, drug use and underage drinking
- Lower chances of graduating high school, or attaining college educations
- Less likelihood of working as an adult, and adult who were raised without the involvement of their father had lower job statuses than those who had involved fathers
More research on fatherless daughters and sons finds:
- Daughters raised without an involved father are 71% more likely to have children as teenagers
- Researchers believe that a lack of father involvement affects a child’s brain social and cognitive development
- Troves of research link father absence to childhood obesity, increased risk of gang involvement, incarceration, mental illness, poverty and homelessness
What can moms do about fatherlessness?
The biggest change that must take place before fathers will be equally involved is to change our laws and culture to respect men as equal parents to mothers.
This will not happen overnight, but changes inside of individual families contribute to informing those around us, the courts, the judges and attorneys and mediators with whom we interact, and friends and family members who observe how we behave in our co-parenting relationships. This can include:
- Aim for a low-conflict / separation. Divorce and family courts are designed to make attorneys rich by incentivizing all parties to fight to win. If possible, opt for an amicable breakup, in which everyone walks away with a fair deal, and equal time and responsibility for the children. There are several quality online divorce services that we explain and review.
- Aim to be financially independent of your ex. Money exchanged between parents increases conflict between co-parents. Studies find the more conflict between parents, the more likely the father is to check out of the children’s lives.
- Stop trying to micro-manage your ex’s parenting. If you are in a relationship with him, let him take full responsibility for caring for the kids when it is his turn — he may not do it your way, fail, screw up and try again — just like any parent. If you are separated or divorced, don’t call the kids all the time when they are with him, or otherwise control his parenting.
- Focus on mutual respect and truly equal, shared co-parenting. Stick to the rules of healthy co-parenting, and if you need help with a shared calendar, splitting expenses and tracking communication, try a co-parenting app.
Consider this excerpt from The Kickass Single Mom, my bestselling book with Penguin:
There are many ways you can do this, but in Valerie’s case, she actively reached out to her ex and explicitly supported him in being a better father. It worked:
The best advice after my divorce was from a counselor. I was complaining about the burden of having my kids most of the time because my ex (going through a period of self-loathing, pity, and guilt) was not taking the time to be with them.
She told me that my kids needed me to be 100 percent of the mom I could be to them, but being 150 percent of the mom they needed would not compensate for their dad being anything less than 100 percent of the dad they needed. I would be better off investing that extra 50 percent helping him be a better dad.
Something clicked in me and really shifted my perspective. It began with a discussion I had with their dad: “Our kids need more time with you. Our kids need you more involved in the day-to-day of their lives. Our kids need you to be 100 percent of the dad you can be. How can I help you?”
And I kept asking. Finally, one day he asked me to help him move furniture into his apartment so he could make it more of a home for them. I packed up some toys and clothes (and even dishes and cups the kids liked using) and took them to his apartment. I encouraged him to coach our son’s baseball team and I helped with its administration. I encouraged him to take one of the kids to dinner to spend time one-on-one with them while I kept the other two. He became more confident as a parent. Once I started to give, he started to give.
That was more than five years ago. Our co-parenting relationship is balanced and in a very good place. It has been for a long time now—sometimes I forget it wasn’t always.
My ex is an awesome father, but there was a time when he was not as reliable as I would have hoped, related to what I wrote about a little bit here. Over the past several years I have let go of a lot of the rage I harbored for my ex over all kinds of things.
I see now that when he is not there for the kids, it is because forces bigger and darker than him are at play. And those things prevent him from being the parent he wants desperately to be — and enjoy his children as much as he otherwise might. Recognizing that allows me to be kinder to him, spend less toxic mental energy managing the situation. I’m a happier person and better mom because of all of the above.
There is also incredible work being done in the realm of shared parenting, in which courts presume that both parents are equally competent in the face of separation and divorce, and therefore presume that both parents should share in parenting time equally. There are now 60 peer-reviewed studies that prove that shared parenting is what is best for children — including in high-conflict cases (and I know of none that have found in favor of unequal time to either parent).
What to tell your kid when their dad is not involved
The literature finds very clearly that in cases where there is conflict between the separated parents, and when parenting time is heavily weighted in favor of one parent over the other (such as the every-other-weekend, Wednesday night arrangement, which constitutes 14 percent of hours in a month), the parent with the lesser time with the child has a very high chance of checking out of the kid’s life. Argue with whether or not that is fair or ethical. That has been happening for decades or more.
Shared parenting work in both the legal and mental health realms go hand-in-hand with work on parental alienation. A study found that 11 to 13 percent of divorce cases involve parental alienation, in which one parent systematically programs a child to reject the other parent, for no good reason. This is recognized as child abuse, and a symptom of mental illness on the part of alienating parent.
These facts are important to mention here in this post about fatherlessness. The research is there: When one parent is marginalized in their children’s lives, they tend to check out. As mothers — which are granted primary custody in 80 percent of cases that go to court — we can influence these things in powerful and positive ways. When you promote equally shared parenting with your kid’s other parent, that trickles into our culture, our expectations of one another, and that influences policy and court rulings.
When co-parenting fails: Can you force a dad to see his child?
In short: It is impossible to make a non-custodial parent take responsibility for his or her child. That said, when equal parenting time is promoted through courts and culture, men are more likely to use their parenting time, and even advocate for more equal parenting schedules.
29 ways to co-parent like a pro—even when your ex is a crazy narcissist
When your heart breaks because he stood your son up again, are enraged at his disregard for your time at yet another last-minute cancelation, or your daughter knows her dad is on vacation with the new girlfriend but says he can’t afford to see her, you are 100% entitled to be livid. Because that is bullshit.
It is also a sign of a broken person. And a sign of a broken culture and parenting expectations that go far beyond just your family.
Practice forgiveness. Practice empathy. Get therapy. And activism. Read Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You, By: by Amy J. L. Baker, PhD and Paul R Fine, LCSW
Bottom line: Get dads involved
Please listen to Terry Brennan, co-founder of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, explain why default every-other-weekend visitation leads to absentee fathers:
Note that in cases where ‘standard’ visitation is awarded — every-other-weekend — fathers become depressed and non-involved, and within 3 years, one study found, 40 percent of children in an unequal visitation arrangement had lost complete touch with their non-custodial parents, which are nearly always the father. Have a listen:
One of the most important things you can do to support your kids’ father’s parenting is just that: Allow him to parent. Presuming he has not been legally proven to be an unfit parent, you must operate from the premise that he is capable of keeping the kids alive and is allowed to make all decisions when they are in his care. If you eventually have a great co-parenting relationship, you may find ways to cooperate on special diets, bedtimes, and discipline. Otherwise, he is allowed to be whatever kind of father he likes during his visits. This includes feeding them fast food, letting them stay up late, and letting them spend the night at his sister’s house even though you hate her so much about that thing that happened at your wedding.
Do not call or text him or the kids frequently during their visits. Except for unusually long visits—which could be more than three or four days for very young children, or more than several weeks for older kids—do not call, FaceTime, text, or otherwise ask to engage with the kids. You must allow their dad to get into his own groove of parenting without your interference, and your kids should be allowed to get into the groove of life at their dad’s house.
Advice for mothers raising sons alone
I understand that you may miss them and worry they are having experiences that you will not share. I appreciate that this can be sad. But this is part of separated family life, and the sooner you embrace the wonderful benefit of having an actively involved, loving dad and fill your kid-free time in a meaningful way, the sooner these absences will stop being sad, and all parties involved can relax and flourish in the rhythms of your life. Plus, your children will sense if your calls stem from your own broken heart, and feel a need to care for you. That is not children’s job.
Ready to take action? Join MomsForSharedParenting.org — an activist org devoted to changing policy, law, culture and attitudes around parenthood. Time for 50/50 default parenting!
And report in the comments how it’s going.
Movies and books on single motherhood, divorce and co-parenting:
Recommended shared parenting documentary: Divorce Corp
Kickass Single Mom, Be Financially Independent, Discover Your Sexiest Self, and Raise Fabulous, Happy Children, By: Emma Johnson
Blend, The Secret to Co-Parenting and Creating a Balanced Family, By: Mashonda Tifrere
Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing, By: Dr. Richard A. Warshak
It is impossible to make a non-custodial parent take responsibility for his or her child.
If there is a custody order in place, both parents must adhere to the visitation schedule outlined in the order. Parents who do not follow these orders risk losing custody and facing jail time.
Thank you so much for this article. My son’s father just told me he no longer wants to co-parent. This is exactly what I needed. I even started writing again to vent. I literally was crying while googling and your article put that to rest. Thank you. <3
Glad it was helpful, hang in there … there are so many other moms in your shoes, you can make it, too. xxx
I am a recently divorced father (Nov ’15) and was awarded 50/50 custody of my children on a two weeks straight at each parents house. This was maintained throughout the year long separation and was mostly agreeable. I should be grateful, right? I love my two young children more than anything and am lucky enough to share them. However, with the nature of my work, I must physically leave to work on a rotational schedule for two weeks at a time working 12-18 hours a day every single day I am gone. I do not contact the children the entire time I am away, so as not to speak with my ex. Upon returning from my two week rotational schedule, I have the kids full time being both Mommy and Daddy and frankly, just getting by. I do my best, but feel it is not good enough. I live in a small town with no family (both inlaws live here), few friends (ex employed tactical character assassination to lessen her guilt for several affairs), live in a rural area with literally no women I’m interested in, pay child support despite having 50/50 custody, and maintain a home that is not used 50% of the year. Angry that I had to pay child support, despite having 50/50 custody, and still raw with the fresh wounds of divorce I called my ex some very derogatory names, but in no way threatened her. She then filed a DV TRO against me saying I threatened her. With an upcoming court hearing, I am wavering on relinquishing all my custodial rights and abandoning my children. I feel incredible guilt and shame even thinking these thoughts, let alone writing them on a random blog. However, my plight was highlighted by this entry in particular. I love my children and want to be a positive influence in their lives, however, I’m just not built for this. I cannot live here in this small town, averting the twisted glares perpetuated by false truths and blatant lies. The very few people I have told my thoughts told me I was simply being selfish and I need to suck it up for my kids. Obviously not what I want to hear. Despite these recommendations, I plan to move forward with my life, selfishly and defiantly in opposition to my ex. She believes I would never be so bold as to abandon my children in search of greener pastures. She thoroughly enjoys her two free weeks without the burden or plight of responsibility, while blowing her undeserved child support checks at local bars and hair/nail salons.
I doubt anyone will read this, but it was therapeutic getting the words out, even in vain. I was a very good, faithful, providing husband and father that has been relegated to nanny. I will either relocate, or kill myself.
If people wonder just how a father is able to do this… this is how.
I fully plan on paying full child support and talking with the kids as much as possible, but it will be from afar… unless the ex is willing to relocate with the children to my new location.
My apologies for the rambling mess. I am still emotionally, financially, and morally devastated from my divorce. I am coping terribly, and cannot seem to quell the anger and rage towards my ex.
Hang in there bud, sometimes you have to let go. It sucks but if it’s killing you there are two choices, let it or move on and try to heal.
I’m in the unenviable position of begging my fiancé to not give up on his kids, but I fully understand why he would want to…..his ex.
It’s been 7 years of ups/down with her….nearly all of it over parenting issues. In fact, it was largely finances and the raising of the children that caused the breakup of the marriage. 4 kids are involved and we have to admit that we’ve lost the fight.
The Christmases where she bought expensive gifts on credit, then when the bill came due, tried to get child-support recalculated to factor that in. (Bad move on her part. Child support actually got lowered because the agreement was made when she wasn’t working. The recalc took into account her salary.) If we bought a laptop for a child for school, miminal Windows machine, she’d go out and get that child an iMac top of the line for that same holiday.
My fiance believes that kids should be expected to eat vegetables, do household chores that are age-appropriate, have the ability to do extra work for money, be polite, make ok grades, and answer your parent when questions are asked. Virtually all of that has been undermined one way or another by his ex. Sometimes it’s almost as if when my fiance tries to lay down any type of boundary, mommy jumps in to make sure that he has no ability to raise his kids.
Two of the kids are technically adults, but never see us unless they want something.
The eldest boy left our house when he threw a punch at his dad because he didn’t want to go to school. He barely graduated HS with a less than 1.0 average. Even the military wouldn’t take him after graduation because his grades were too poor. All through our attempts to get him to attend classes and work on his studies, the ex was telling him not to worry about the bad grades, it was no biggie. In fact, he was taken to psychiatrists, because it was our fault that he was so traumatized by the divorce and our relationship. He’s now 23, unemployed and just recently got booted out of a friend’s apartment where he had been sleeping on the couch and not contributing to that household either. Now he’s living with his grandparents. Apparently, this is our fault too.
The eldest girl never comes over except to treat our house like a shopping center. I’ve had to prevent some of our items waltzing out the door in her arms. She is probably the best of the lot.
Two are still at home. They now refuse to do any chores unless they are paid for each performance, minimum of $10 a pop….because mom does it. We don’t have the money for that, especially since we’re still paying on cars for both of the elder kids as well as child support. Mom doesn’t have a job, but her new husband is an inventor with several patents to his name. We both are government workers who make average salaries.
We’ve tried to keep healthy food in the house, no or few HFC items, no sodas, etc because his family has history of both obesity and early heart failure. The ex brings over boxes of candies, chips, and other items we don’t buy much of, knowing full well that we’re trying to get the kids to eat fruit instead of candy, and healthy items instead of junk. The kids are told to hide them in their rooms, but we always find the wrappers….and the dead giveaway is the newly occurring refusal to eat dinner because they’ve gorged themselves on junk. We’ve tried to bargain with them to get a list of healthy dinners that they’d be willing to eat, but were told that we should cook each child whatever dish they want, even if that means cooking 3 different meals per night. That’s a no-go. I work 50+ hours per week, so does he, but he always makes sure he is home in time to have dinner ready by 6:30pm at the latest.
Recently with the 14 year old girl, we asked her to not bring the thongs her mom buys her to our house because my fiance thinks it highly inappropriate for a 14 year old to be wearing a thong. He took her shopping to pick out new panties so that she could have something she liked that wasn’t a thong. We got a screaming phone call from the ex telling us that we were “oppressing” the daughter by requesting that she not bring thongs to our house. She threatened to sue if we didn’t allow the girl to wear thongs. It’s not like we said that she couldn’t wear them at her mom’s house, just don’t bring them to ours. We didn’t give in, but now the daughter barely leaves her room and refuses to answer when her dad asks her a question.
After the events of this last week, which included pretty much all of the last 2 paragraphs, my fiance told me he is no longer cooking (he’s an excellent cook) for them, so the kids will have to fend for themselves now. And he has also said that when the boy who is still at home graduates at the end of this year, he was thinking about giving up his rights on the remaining child. We already know that we will be moving out of the area when she graduates from college just to get away from the ex, but he’s talking about stepping up the timeframe on all of that too. It makes me so sad I want to cry and just sick to my stomach.
All he’s ever wanted was a large family that he could cook for and have fun holiday celebrations with as they got older. He has sat with his kids to do homework, taken them camping, given up custody time upon request so that the kids could see their cousins from her side of the family. He’s adjusted his schedule on nearly every request she’s made, whether it’s because she scheduled her courthouse wedding during his custody time or because she scheduled a vacation during her own custody time and didn’t want to bring the kids. I’ve dropped work to pick up kids from school because she’s decided to go out of town on her custody time, and worked from home when they were sick. Nothing appreciated by anyone.
We’ve recently taken up an out of the house activity 2x a week. It started out as exercise, but part of it has been a sanity saver because we can just let the kids eat whatever when we go. We’re basically getting driven out of our home. After 7+ years of this nonsense, my fiance is too tired to fight for his kids anymore.
So, if you wonder the real reason why your ex doesn’t see the kids and why you are a single parent, it might be the damage you’ve done by undermining the other parent’s decisions on child rearing. The golden rule applies. If you don’t want that parent telling you how things must be done under your own roof, don’t take that ability away from him.
This situation is really heartbreaking, and I’d hate to think of your fiance really giving up.
But screaming question: Why would the kids so drastically side with the mom if she is so unstable? Children understand right and wrong very early, they inherently want to succeed and are attracted to stability, love and strong morals. Something in this story is amiss …
Mom can be very charming, and what’s not to like when you can pretty much get your way whether or not it’s good for you. To the children, she’s very generous with time and money. To us, it often comes in the form of competition. Don’t like it when you ask to be taken to the store for a brand new bathing suit at 8pm on a school night (and you already have 2, but you want to impress your friends on the weekend) and your father refuses?….just call mom….she’ll drop everything to drive clean across town and pick you up….and the first that we know of it is when you tell us where you are going and with whom on your way out the door. My fiancé becomes the bad guy. Our only choices at that point are to let it happen or risk a rather scarring episode where the police may have to be called. And, keep in mind that from the kids’ perspective, if it’s the only thing you know, then she doesn’t seem quite so unstable.
But, yes, it’s not like they don’t notice that some things are amiss. Example: 5 years ago, when the teenage boy was in grade school, he expressed an interest in learning the sport which I competed at when I was younger. I wasn’t the reason for his interest, as that came from video games that he played, but I did encourage him. The ex, who knew about my hobby, categorically banned him from seeking any information on the subject. He told her that she needed to get over her issues and that his interest was based upon that game. She punished him by exclusion for several weeks. The eldest daughter, who probably has the clearest sight is that way because when her parents were going through the divorce, her mom would climb out the bedroom window to go clubbing, leaving her as a teenager alone to get the kids bathed and ready for bed. So, yes, there are things that they do see and they know their mother isn’t a saint, but they also love her and were raised by her, so the sight is limited. And maybe, when you have extreme examples of instability like that and the other behaviours are more calm, then they seem sane and reasonable by comparison?
Some of it, like the regular threats of lawsuits (usually several a year, and a few have made it to court) have been kept from the kids as much as possible….by all parties. Myself and their dad because we have a policy about never saying anything negative in front of the kids about their mom, especially me, which is probably why I’ve vented on this forum. We’ve strived hard to keep a low conflict household. After hearing about what went on in the marriage, I felt that the children desperately needed that, and my fiancé was just happy to be in a low stress environment. In 7+ years, even when the kids aren’t around, I think he’s raised his voice to me twice. We argue, but its more at the discussion level and we try to never be in serious disagreement around the kids. They do notice that the environment at their mother’s house is much more high conflict, which some of them have told me is why they still keep visitation with us….to have a place to go during those times.
….and as an aside, I’m a divorcee myself and a stepchild. My father’s parents were divorced, so I’ve done the blended family/divorce thing from all sorts of angles. My parents never ever treated each other’s decisions about my welfare and upbringing post-divorce like this. They might not have agreed on things, but they never ever would deign to undermine the other parent’s authority or compete to play favourites. TBH, I feel lucky to have had the parents I did after my experiences with this.
She is a controlling who threatens the guy and he can’t stick up for himself. Men do it all the time. Over time she has learned to control because he will lose everything and the woman knows the courts are still in the favor of women even in this day and age.
i have been dealing with this for a long time. my ex hubby and i ended back in the end of 2007 before our last child was even a year old. he did visitation on weekends and i had high hopes that even though our marriage failed due to drinking, abuse, and infidelity that atleast he would try to be a good dad. things would go good but then after a few weeks something would happen hed get drunk on the day the kids would be going to his place and lay into me so i chose to not bring them to his house (which he lived with his mother at the time) or i would go to pick up the kids and the house would be so disgusting (dirty dishes evey where with old food on them, coffee cups with days old coffee in them every where, garbage bags open and full all over, dirty laundry every where, animal poop on the floor as well as animal urine in the air) and the 2 children that could walk would be in nothing but a diaper running around and our littles one would be strapped in a baby swing coverd in filth with a soaked diaper while he was beyond drawn into a video game. those days i would talk to him about these conditions which seemed highly unfit in my eyes with little children around. then things would go good again and then he decided with his mother to try and kidnap our kids, worst event in my life ever, i was reunited with my children a week later and refused to let them visit until matters change. which i was in the wrong but yet i felt i had a very high right to be angry. he would call to see the kids but it was like he didnt know why he would call cause his mom would be in the background telling him what to say and then he would repeat it. i just left it be. after awhile he got involved with a women which he married and i agree that visits could go on again since he seemed to be getting himself together. which things were good for quite awhile until one weekend he decided to have an over night with the kids and did not talk to me just refused to let the kids come home and did not understand why they couldnt stay. i did not feel ok about it due to when he tried to kidnap the kids our daughter at the time who was 4 had stated that daddy kissed her pee pee, which he denies that to this day that never happened and on other days it wasent him it was someone else. i was very upset but he still got to have the kids over night and then after lying to me about wanting to have the kids to celebrate his daughters bday which they did not do and his wife telling me things that were happening at the house (verbal abuse between him and her) i decided to not have the kids visit him again. after that he has not seen them since he has on and off since then conntected me about wanting me to add him on my facebook account so he can see how his kids are doing or has sent me messages about his feelings towards me and the kids. not once did he ask me how the kids are doing and about visiting them. but when he goes to court about his child support because he for the longest time would not work and pay he would tell the judge but i dont get to see my kids. so i took it upon myself and set up visitation at our local womens shelter so he can work on building a relationship with our kids i had done that back in mid 2014 and still he has told me how he does not have the money our is never in our town to finish the paper work. he has been remarried himself for over 3 years now. he is expecting a new baby in may (he already has 6 other children 5 of them he does not see). and even though he is only 2 hours away from where i live and makes trips with his wife to visit her friends where i live and his family where i live is completely unable to visit his 3 children with me or contact them when i had given him email accounts that they have. after i told our 3 kids about the visitation center they were very excited (even though they have a step dad through my remarriage of 5 yrs) but i dont know what to tell them when they ask me why their dad wont visit them. but when i remind him about it i just get told that he has no money no way to get to town and no time to finish the paper work. i get so mad and angry about this. am i wrong to be angry about what hes doing to these kids??? how do i talk to them about this when they ask??
I don’t know where to start. I had 2 children from a man who is apparently perpetually broken!! My children are 14 and 12. My ex and I were never married and he was never in a committed relationship with me for years before I called it quits. I am now married for almost 8 years, for the last 10 years I have changed in how I’ve worked with my ex. Before I didn’t want to take him to court for child support, I felt it was something we could agree to together. For years I did this but he was always inconsistent (financially and physically) and he’s very stubborn so he rarely would listen to anything I said without an argument or him saying something disrespectful. Over the years it has been severely taxing. For most of my girls life we had lived in the same city or within a couple of hours away, he didn’t see the girls consistently.
4 other children later (6 total-probably still not done) he is worse than he was 11 years ago and many of the people in his life enable him. At what point do you protect your children? My ex has a strong hold on my girls-they don’t want to make their dad angry or hurt him, but the relationship and reverence that they do have is because I have instilled that into them whether he was there or not. He is like a drug addict, wouldn’t you protect and shield your children from someone addicted to drugs? Why not a poisonous broken parent?
The last straw for me is his latest “baby mama” asked if she could bring him to see the girls (we are 10 hours away), after talking with my husband we agreed. Plans got changed-she notified me, however at this point “the father” should have called his daughters to say he wasn’t coming but he didn’t. He doesn’t even understand why he should have. I have bent over backwards to have him be apart of their lives always but I have begun to change over the years and set more boundaries with him i.e. court order for child support and visitation, not allowing him to see them just because we were back home if he hadn’t been in contact (something I would do before), and not answering the phone if he was disrespectful to me (which is something he did often).
But through all of this I continue to talk to him and tell him how important he is in the girls life, I guess I have daddy issues somewhat and I didn’t want that for my girls. I am not prepared to close the door totally but I am considering severing communication until he proves that he is serious about being in their lives.
My ex left just before our second child was born and filed for divorce within the week. There was no conversation leading to this, and I could see he was struggling with depression but refused to seek help. He (much later) told me he had to leave like that to save himself from himself because he was thinking suicidal thoughts and couldn’t handle being a father and husband. We were young, only 20, and I do understand now. We’ve been apart for 11 years.
For the first couple years it was hard. Our daughter was 2 when our son was born. He was not healthy for a few years, it was a very hard and real experience. Their dad was rarely involved the first years. Around our son’s third-fourth year he really became a great dad. We co-parented really great for 6 years! He was involved with school and doctors, came to recitals and sports, and consistently kept schedule, even scheduling extra if the kids asked to see him some more. He never missed time, if he had plans scheduled he made up the time during the weeks around it. Then 2 years ago he started dating someone and she and her own child moved in (within weeks of them meeting). Our two kids were not even told this was happening. They started coming home from time with him very upset. My son started showing up with bruises and my daughter started talking about how dad always just stays in his room with the door closed. The other child would tease and bully my son and their dad would come out screaming if they made too much noise or asked for his help (this is coming from my daughter who was 11-13 at the time). Their dad stopped responding to phone calls, and couldn’t make it to sports or school meetings. Even when our son was hospitalized, the doctor’s could not reach him over 3 months to seek his input in care and treatment. He started canceling his time with the kids, regularly… and they had reached a point where they didn’t want to go with him. They missed him, but were afraid to go to his house.
He has confirmed all the things my daughter was saying were in fact happening. He’s decided he can’t handle the three kids (our two and his girlfriend’s one). He recently decided he doesn’t want to see the kids anymore. Our daughter said it’s like he just disappeared and now she doesn’t matter to him anymore. He can’t answer her calls because he is helping the other child with homework or spending time with his new family… So, now I have a child who is crushed that she had a great dad and he just disappeared. She is wondering what it would have been like if she never knew him at all…maybe it would be easier. My son keeps saying “he misses dad’s house” but he has special needs and can’t remember or really comprehend all that has happened. He’s very uncomfortable when he’s around his dad, his doctor & psychiatrist are helping.
I’m looking for any advice on talking about this with my daughter. She is 13 now. She has no contact with her dad other than texts every couple weeks. She says that is all she wants and she finally feels okay with the way things are now, like she’s getting used to him not caring (her words). She and I talk a lot, openly. She does not want to see him, and told him so when he asked out of the blue to take her to the bookstore one day. She does not want to talk to a therapist (which she has in the past) because she says shes okay and she feels like she is handling this the way she needs to (but she’s willing to go if I want her to). She does not seem depressed or angry anymore. Sometimes, not often, she makes comments about “dads” or “men” or questions out loud what it would be like if…. usually pertaining to the possessions that were “lost” left behind in her room at her dad’s house. How can I help her better understand that these are his choices and his actions and have NOTHING at all to do with her brother’s special needs or her own behaviour (she is a perfectionist and rarely breaks rules, but is overly harsh on herself when she does make a mistake).
Are there any other ways I could talk with her so she can better process his now complete absence (because he has said he won’t see them anymore, and he can’t video chat because his phone is too small). I don’t want her to think this is how dad’s are, or men… I also wonder if I should consider filing in court for sold custody as it would help with my son’s medical care. Any opinions on whether their texting is possibly harmful, if he doesn’t intend to be involved with the kids? She seems to mope for a while after they text, broods in her room a bit, but that’s usually the only change in behavior. And that’s only every couple weeks or so (when she attempts to text him and he gets around to a response, he doesn’t answer her calls). I’m open to all views, suggestions, input! Thanks if you’ve read this far!
I was working and supporting my ex bf and took him in before he became homeless, 2 months later we are pregnant. I was so so excited, new home, baby on the way!! Work started to bring problems with my back while being pregnant etc.. Our son was 2 months old when my ex thought his mothers dog was more important, he came back… But he started getting pressure from the welfare to find a work!! Needless to say he did not even answer them and left us, my son (5months) and I could have lost everything!!! But the welfare helped me out in a few days, like I said I was working and paying all the bills.. Now it’s different and I suspect he is staying away because he can’t handle pressure to support us in any way. I feel my son deserves so much better but I can talk to a wall instead, he doesn’t pay his alimony, doesn’t call… Nothing. Never thought this was going to happen!
Perhaps if you hadn’t chosen a loser for a boyfriend, you wouldn’t be in this mess. Perhaps if you didn’t have a baby out of wedlock, you wouldn’t be in this mess. Perhaps if women like you consult the man you are with before having a child, the man would still be with you.
I’m amazed at women who, after screwing up on so many levels go around and blame everything on the man THEY THEMSELVES CHOSE to father their children.
You get no sympathy from me.
BINGO well put
Just curious what one would say the excuse is for a person who is on their THIRD child, all different mothers. I think it goes way deep than “no self worth” and just plain SELFISH, SELF- ABSORBED, AND COMPLETE LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, is in fact insanity. I’m willing to pin it on complete lack of accountability, irresponsible upbringing, and mental illness. It’s a shame men cannot be branded on their forehead so that women have a chance to run for the hills. Thankfully I found a true man in my life to pick up the broken pieces. I feel for the sweet children that cannot say the same.
Perhaps the women shouldn’t open their legs and let any man impregnate them willy nilly. How about we go back to the old days where you get to know person first, get married and THEN have kids? I’m not saying don’t have sex, I’m saying don’t get knocked up.
Women are the ones in control. They are the only ones who get to decide whether a child will be born or not, so please stop blaming men for your irresponsible behavior.
I spent nearly 12 years in varying degrees of hurt, anger, trying to control and influence the situation with my ex in order to try to prevent my kids feeling hurt. It was me that was hurt though, mostly. I wish I’d have realized sooner that the best way to limit my kids hurt is not to focus on it. Give them a hug, say you’re sorry daddy didn’t make it, then carry on. when I made my peace that he is who he is and gives what he can the kids made theirs. Even when we don’t say anything to our kids, they feel our pain and anger. My kids were grown before I realized how much energy I wasted and how much bigger I made my ex’s shortcomings by my own expectations and by mentally keeping track. It’s better to accept and carry on. I think the articl makes a great point that by reducing expectations we make room for the father to step up.
I have one simply questions for you; who chose the irresponsible person to father your children?
I am a single mom because of a boyfriend who seemed to love me deeply and wanted to have a baby. We were sickeningly sweet with each other until about a month into the pregnancy. He changed his mind about the relationship when I got moody in the first trimester. That was the first sign of trouble and out the door he went. No trying to work it out. He was just done.
He moved thousands of miles away within 24 hours, leaving half of his stuff behind and has not yet met our child – even though he insisted that he still wanted to be a part of the child’s life as he broke up with me.
Also no money has been paid for anything except by me and my family. Not even a small gift. Nothing. When our baby was born he said he apologized and said he wishes he could turn back time and not have walked out (if he really meant that he had the whole pregnancy to try to work it out instead of minimal contact). Not surprisingly he followed that sentence with “what’s done is done and we have to do everything for our baby now.” He has clearly forgiven himself. All this is in text message of course. Not a single phone call has been made since he left.
He said he’s going to send money on a regular basis (only after I asked about his plans) but that hasn’t happened yet.
I have treated this guy with nothing but respect in all of our correspondence. Maybe he thinks I’m ok with what he did because I’ve been so kind. To create a baby on purpose and then bail because of a few weeks of hard times. I’m trying my hardest not to tell him off.
I was married 19 years. He traveled the world for his job. I was the stay home mom that worked part-time but mostly home and taking care of our two daughters. He got sick ( colon cancer) and became a transplant patient ( losing all of his small bowel) The years of being sick, 2004, 2005, 2006. The years I took care of our children and him… Our kids went through hell thinking that any day, we not going have a dad. Then after we all jumped that hurdle and he was finally went back to work, mid life crisis set in…
He wanted a new motor cycle and wanted to party all the time… I had had enough…He wasn’t listening to his doctors. He was doing everything he shouldn’t have been doing… He was told to stay only six weeks overseas, he would stay twelve weeks…Then he found his new wife now overseas/ online. He made some really crazy decesions. He moved out…Then moved overseas to a country I counldnt serve papers. He wouldn’t pay children support, He wouldn’t pay alimony… He wouldn’t even show up for court for 2years… He got our home, but I got full custody of our children that he gave up on… He decided to throw us out of the home. His own children… Didnt even care that our kids were trying to get an education. All he cared about was his new wife and his new life…
This is 2016 and he still is not talking to his children… I am still helping my kids…and I call them mine..because I am the ONLY one doing everything to help them be successful in life. I have realized, that you can’t make a person do anything… This is his legacy not mine. I have tried to contact BYemail and I just get from him…That he feels guilty for his actions but yet, he still can’t talk to his kids… I feel it’s a poor excuse… and I feel he doesn’t want too because he still owes me money and he would whether have his secret life and have his young wife…then make it right with his kids… I still have anger issues when I see my kids struggle… And I try to let go of the anger and tell myself now that my kids are young adults, they must find their own way now… I think, as time goes by and I see my kid succeed the less I’ll will think of why he isn’t contacting his children… There is more to this story but I will try keeping it short… My advice is to find your own support and leave their responsiblities to them…I feel it’s a waste of time sitting around wondering why their not doing what they should be doing…
Really tough situation. This rung true for me: “This is his legacy not mine.” Yes and no. Yes, you cannot make him do anything he doesn’t want to do (as you so sagely point out). But it forces to you take on a legacy you don’t prefer: Solo mom.
Well done in a difficult arrangement.
Try putting the shoe on the other foot, so to speak, and think how if feels for me, the father who is divorced. Except I have always been the responsible one and I have always been the one that goes to the soccer games, the back to school nights, the birthday parties, trick-or-treating on Halloween, etc, I have always been the one to be the stabilizing influence in an otherwise chaotic (and still ongoing) divorce of almost 3 years. I was the parent that took my daughter to her first day of middle school and I was the one that went to her art show. I made her lunches and patiently worked through her frustration with math homework. For all intents and purposes I have been the mature, responsible parent. And yet when she is sad, unhappy and insecure, with whom does she confide in, whom does she prefer to be with? Mommy, of course. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? Do you have any clue on how inconsequential and insignificant that makes me feel as a parent, as a father? Can you imagine how I feel as a father when I put so much love and effort to raise my child just to be reminded time and time again that no matter how much I care for her, love her and sacrafice for her I always be ‘second banana’ to her? Trust me, it hurts like nothing you can imagine.
I feel your pain. The discussion my stepkids had right before Xmas this year in front of their father about how they’d rather spend Xmas at their mothers house (it was his year for Xmas), oh and well, they might go visit the paternal grandparents the day after Xmas for a few hours….was heartbreaking…..as if dad didn’t exist. I kept my mouth shut, but all I could do is look at his face and see the hurt there. I can’t fathom how much pain that was for him. My fiancé is the ultimate Xmas nut, plays Xmas music in the summer, bakes probably about 10 dozen cookies for his brood, cakes, and other sweets, decorates the whole house right after Thanksgiving. But none of that is good enough.
That will change when gets older and puts it all in perspective. When children are young they yearn for mommy. I really believe its the bond of the women because they give birth and a bond is created good or bad. She will grow up and understand you were always there. I have seen this played with parents I know…..
tonight I told my son that his father had called after he went to sleep on his 7th birthday, but he wished him HB and said to have him call. I try to be fair and have them call- but he has not called since before xmas on our other sons bd, where he asked him what he wanted and never sent in, and for last birthday cycle, and the holidays before that. So do I still have the kids call him? Tonight when they spoke to him, he told them they can call whenever they want. But when does he want? They notice, and tears succumb. Not Fair! He sends no money, and only empty promises…setting me up for explanations that I will never truly be able to satisfy. There is no excuse for breaking my child’s heart. Do I stop letting him call?
I am so sad for all these children of broken men. Women are so incredibly strong and competent.
Bill thank you for posting your comment above it is good to see a mans perspective and I completely agree with all you said. Thank you for sharing
Thanks for writing this. Its sad but so true. But then are we merely making excuses for their behavior?
My ex husband wrote in our sons 1st Birthday card “I will always love you”. At the time I thought it very strange and final like he was planning on not seeing and being present in his life as coparent after our divorce. And ever since, he has stopped visiting maybe once a month if that because he claims he doesn’t have gas money but he has money to go to the most expensive gym and gas money to get there and back and he has money to buy $800 plus air tickets to travel. Is that a broken person or merely a selfish person who makes everyone feel sorry for him when he doesn’t deserve pity or he should prioritize.
I think it was weird for such a final statement but now my son is 20 months and he hasn’t even seen him for 4 months nor has he even seen him walk because the time he saw him 4 months ago he got angry with me after taking me to dinner and then picking him up and seeing him for 5 mins he left. and then before that hadn’t seen him for 2 months.
Its heartbreaking but it also makes me feel that perhaps its God’s plan that its for the best he is not involved in this little guys life at the moment because he is toxic and his family certainly is.Plus its his family who hates me and his Mother would never let him come back in our lives she is so full of hatred.
Anyway thank you for writing this.
I am a man who has spent a lot of time talking to my preteen granddaughter about her father who never even calls her. I wish the sweeping generalizations in this article were true but unfortunately they are often far from the truth. Many men are simply incapable of understand empathy. They get joint custody for the sole purpose of reducing their costs, and never intend on being fathers to their children. The problem is that when this occurs the courts and the laws are totally unequipped to deal with it and the mothers and children suffer financially and emotionally. As far as I am concerned these men should be in jail for child abuse. .
Talk about sweeping generalizations! “Many men are simply incapable of understand empathy.”
Of course, what you write is true, sadly.
I think chris is so childish because to him its about money and a woman getting fucked.
Why doesn’t he think about the kids life, for goodness sake it’s your blood we talking about here.
Fathers like chris are clueless about being a parent.
It’s easy to say that i am clueless and childish. The mother decides to move to another city, she constantly creates excuses and barriers to make it difficult for the father to play an active part in the childs life. For example why do women move cities after a break-up?. This alone makes it extremely difficult for the father to see his child often. What if the ravel costs exceed the mans monthly budget?. Factor in the fact that the child does not even remember who the father is when the father visits. Eventually the mother will teach the child that the father is a piece of shit, a loser e.t.c.
You know what, fuck it. Let such women go to hell. There are many women out there and a man who has experienced such useless women like those who make it difficult for the father to be the childs life, will make a good decision when choosing a new woman. This time around i will choose wisely, before i even sleep with a woman i will study her history thoroughly to ascetain if she is even worth the effort or if she is a useless manipulating woman. In such situations it is easier to start a new family and a new life.
women do it all the time and get away with it because society considers women to be the victims and now the laws are getting more in favor of the mothers that women know they can manipulate and even bring false charges if the woman is that evil. Just another tool to divide and separate parents and decline the family unit in America….
He is right how women in society have changed . T.V. talk shows make men bad parents as so does the media as do magazines as so do the courts with new harsh laws that now women falsely accuse men of domestic violence and don’t even have to prove it anymore in court. Society has killed the American family and its decline will ruin every generation of children to think its normal . By the way men do a lot of rotten things in these situations , women are learning now they can get even because of all the things I just stated. Women were looked at to be the responsible parent and caring but its now an even playing field that society puts women and men to be greedy and self-absorbed….
I appreciate reading all the comments. I am a divorced dad. I had 50/50 custody for 14 years. I raised my daughter. We were extremely close. As the teenage years approached she decided to go live with her mom full time because she had gotten in trouble (minor issue and the first time I ever had to discipline her told her she could not go shopping with a friend on a Saturday). I reached out to her multiple times she never responded. After awhile I just gave up. She never recognizes fathers day.
After having the door shut in your face many times eventually you move on.
My a single mom of three and I have three different father’s for my child I have 11 9 4 year olds my kids have never meet there dads or each other dads I feel the choices I have make with the men in my past life is my choice. I have tried to talk to him about the kids but with choice of mines I don’t get an answer back. I don’t get child support or anything like that. I just feel that if they are not there I will not give you the choice to come and go. I’m raising men not boys. I have one father that calls me to tell me that his son should not be in student council or boyscouts. The other will call me to tell me how to raise my disable son when you have never meet him. Please don’t judge me for that but I have a son that does not need a boy to come in and out of his life. Nor do the other two. I have told my kids about there dad (all good thing) that they are not in the right place in there life to be in your life at the moment but please when you are old enough I will get them on the phone and you can ask them why there choice was not to watch you grow.
Shame on you Emma for insulting me and telling me I drank my husbands Kool aid. HE DID NOT ABANDON HIS CHILD. His bitch of an ex wife made it impossible for him to have a relationship with her. Even going to court did no good. You sound just like the whiney women who bitch when their exes won’t see the kids, but fail to mention how they use the child to get back at their husbands. How they make it a living hell. Are some men deadbeats, yes. But not all and it’s attitudes like yours and the others posting that just shows how hard it is for some men to be involved in their child’s lives. If you had read my post with an open mind, you wouldn’t have sided with my husband’s ex, but bitterness seems to be what it’s all about. Keep the hate and revenge going, that’s just what the cild needs.
You husband is an adult and a father. It is his choice to allow another person — his wife, in this case — to get between him and his responsibilities. Sounds like you are mommying him with your excuses for him. Your children deserve better.
Noncustodial Father here,
I’m active in my kids’ lives, but…..
I’ been tempted to abandon from time to time; like a dog chewing it’s leg off to get out of a trap.
The trap? , psycho bitch mom.
Sometimes men abandon because they are little pieces of shit.
Sometimes they abandon because moms are gigantic pieces of shit.
Just saying.
Thanks for chiming in, and I know that your opinion resonates with many, many men. But … as a mom I just.do.not.get.it. I can’t stand dealing with my ex lots of time, but the thought of abandoning my kids because that literally never enters my mind.
Can you please elaborate on this thinking? How does a) knowing your kids would grow up without a dad and probably hate you for it, b) miss out on their childhood and your own fatherhood make sense, just to avoid dealing with a difficult ex-spouse?
Hello all.
I am a single father of two beautiful kids. (son 12 and daughtor 9) all I want to say, my ex wife left me and kids almost three years ago for other man. last three years she has only seen our kids three times.( she told me she is busy all the times) I was heartbrokend by my wife I truly loved but I am over with her now and focusing on take care of my awsome kids and myself. That’s all!!
I found the various scenarios described interesting. Although I understand the idea that perhaps the father (or non-custodial parent if we want to be gender neutral) doesn’t exercise visitation because they’re broken but frankly its a poor excuse. They are the adult and the victims are children. I don’t want to hear about how they feel they have nothing to offer or are too busy or struggling with other things. They have kids that need them. I realize that women can do this too but men are for more likely to walk off or step out of their offsprings life and I think part of it is that society is more lenient on a father doing this. We tend to treat men who behave like this in an almost infantile manner excusing them. Yet most of us (men or women) tend to judge a mother much harsher if she chooses to treat her children like this. I have a husband who I’ve been separated from for nearly a year because he is having an affair. He pretty much divorced the entire family. We have a 50/50 custody which is a joke. For 6 months he never clled or visited our boys over weekends and put in perhaps 3-5 hours during week visits. Oh and he showed up briefly on Saturdays sometimes for T-ball then promptly left because he had things to do. He is not a parent. I consider him an estranged uncle or something along those lines that just pops in for a quick weekend or something fun with the kids. I have made the kids available to him but he simply doesn’t want to do any parenting. At the same time he continues to argue with me over the child support amount I’m requesting. And its not like were going to living the high life by any means even after I finish my gradute program and work full time again. I figure he (or non-custodial parent) needs to recognize the significant amount of time and effort that goes into childcare especially if they are not truly 50/50 coparenting. Because I have taken on this role I will be limited in terms of my career. I will not be available to go on trips for conferences or work late regularly. I will have to take time off when a child is sick or there is a school event. I’m fine with that but my estranged husband needs to recognize the long-term sacrifices I am making to be basically the sole childcare provider while he is free of these perfunctory duties. It would cost him a lot more if he had the children and had to place them in daycare and after school programs year round. So I guess what I’m saying is non-custodial parents need to keep in mind what the primary parent is taking on and the long-term sacrifices that are coming with that (man or woman) and should want to provide child support and more if they have the resources particularly if they have no intention of actually raising that child. I wish my husband was not simply a source of income and something more but he has made that choice because he decided the grass was greener.
Women do look at men only as a source of income for the most part. The income is the most important contribution for men to make for the children. The problem is its the only thing women make a priority and main focus of the ex -husband / ex-boyfriend . Men just don’t feel as if the mother makes it a priority for the child/children to have 100% engagement with the father because the mom’s new life is more important with her new family ,different functions, her family and relatives are more important so the mom easily tells the father when he asks the mother to let him have the kids an extra day or so because his family is in town, but she turns him down because the kids have others things to do because something came up or planned it that way. I hear from fathers all the time at work and close friends that they constantly have to deal with this. Its no wonder over time the father gives up…
I came across this looking for advice. I agree with everything mentioned. my ex is doing the same crap. I mean he disrespected me n treats me like shit. But im still here trying to let him be involed in our daughter life. He has 2 kids his bby mother took him away he never seen him…the other grl he claim aint his. So just my luck we have bby, we broke up when shes 4months shes 7months nw.. Im open to let him see her but he never calls or ask.. About her. He sees her but only 2hrs. Smh. He dates other women with kids…n his new gf is younger…with 3 kids but i guess shes more worth his time than our daughter. They barley hooked up 2months on n off. Im pissed at least im willing but im the only one making efforts. So i filed for child support and legal custody. His gf i spoke to her tell her how it is…his kid comes first. She knows what shes dealn with…but she said she wants no part n thats our buisness n agree with me…so. Ugh…
don’t know how i stumbled on this site, but I thought i’d reply because i’m the other half of the relationship from HIS point of view in a very similar situtation
I am separated from my wife of 9 years, we’ve were together for 14, I am not the one who wanted this and i tried to save the marriage multiple times, we have a 8 year old son who i do see when i can,
I find it hard to have him over for a few reasons and these may be selfish and just me and i might be “broken” or whatever
I love my son with all my heart but when i have him i’m reminded about the life we used to have together and him saying that he wishes his family was back together, some of the reason i don’t want to have him is to get back against my ex about her having her time without him, I don’t want her to be able to go out on dates with guys when i have him for several days
so i think in the eyes of most guys its to get even with the ex, and to prevent her from enjoying the single life that she wants, don’t get me wrong I’ve always had my son when i’m able to but when my ex tries and tell me to take him on a certain day months down the road my first reaction is to say no, I also feel like a “loser” for not being able to find someone else, while my ex has found someone so soon, probably while we were still together, its about punishing her and not about us guys not wanting to see our kids
just a thought from a heartbroken father
When I find peace, mine comes over and bugs us more and brings his pot smoking stench and paranoid control freak attitude with him. Sometimes “peace” just isn’t the answer. I would absolutely LOVE it if mine stayed away–and he does sometimes. Sometimes he takes off for 6 months at a time and then creeps back with his self loathing because none of his family wants anything to do with him either and his job(s) that he retains for 6 months to a year before quitting or getting fired, is too controlling. Then he comes here to be a control freak.
I can’t wait until the kids are all over 18.