Divorce guilt is simply feeling bad because you chose to leave your spouse, initiate divorce, or otherwise believe your actions caused the end of your marriage.
It is normal to feel guilty or question your decision, especially when you think about the potential impact it can have on your family or others around you. Guilt is a reason to stay married, but it is not one that will inspire either of you to truly work on making the relationship a thriving, committed, connected one.
I see women get stuck on the divorce that they very much wanted and see the value in. Explicitly or implicitly, they feel guilty and that guilt holds them back.
Many women feel guilt about divorce. Divorce guilt lasts as long as you choose to, though it does take time to get over a big breakup. A good solid year is a generous measure of time to grieve.
Struggling with horrible guilt after filing for divorce? Consider finding a therapist online using a therapy platform like BetterHelp. Read about my experience with BetterHelp.
Recently a mom emailed me:
“I want to divorce my husband but I feel guilty.”
I feel so guilty for leaving my marriage. My husband is a really, really nice guy. He is a great dad, loves me a lot, has a good career. There was nothing really wrong with our marriage. I just didn’t love him any more and wanted out.
Now, our divorce is almost finalized, and we have all been so devastated — especially our kids. Now they have to schlep back and forth between two homes, go through the pain of having divorced parents, my ex is devastated, his parents and our friends are devastated, and we are both poorer having to support two homes. Even the dog loses since she stayed with me and misses her ‘dad’!
Of course I am very sad about all of this, but I just could not be married to him any more. We are not intellectual or professional peers — I am growing a digital business I am passionate about, while he is 100% content in his middle-management corporate job with good benefits.
I stopped being sexually attracted to him years ago, even though he is still a very handsome and fit man. Instead, I find myself fantasizing about and/or flirting with men in my professional circles who are mentally stimulating to me, understand my career and creative drive and ignite in me something I think I never experienced with my husband — deep, feminine PASSION (some of these guys are fat or old or not handsome — and I still find them so, so sexy!). These are men who jibe with my own growing social circle of equally driven and creative people — people who my husband never really connected with or felt comfortable around (even though, in all his decency and devotion to me, was always kind to and made an effort for).
I don’t have any commitment to any of these men, but simply feeling that way around them made me realize that by staying in my marriage, I am missing out on something I deeply crave and long to nurture.
Now, on the other side of my marriage, I see that I may not ever find that kind of romantic connection that I crave, and I may be lonely. I see those I love most suffering because of this decision, and I am left feeling selfish, guilty and all-around rotten.
Life after divorce — 11 things you can do now to move on
In short: I wanted the divorce — so why do I feel so sad?
“Remember that just because one feels guilt, doesn’t mean they are guilty,” says Michelle Pargman, a Jacksonville, Fla., licensed mental health counselor.
“Guilt is energy that can be used to further explore what one can do differently in the future. Grief is helpful to identify as a byproduct of divorce — whether the loss comes from the relationship itself, or the lost expectation of what was the original vision for the marriage. Once we acknowledge these feelings, we can address them — whether through individual counseling, group support, or identifying mentors, religious/spiritual leaders, or friends.”
I have heard many similar stories, all of which resonate on some level. I am glad I am not married to my ex, even if he is a good guy. Lots and lots of reasons, including some mentioned above by my emailer. But there are times when we are getting along, when we are chatting like old friends at the kids’ T-ball game, the kids are exhausted from schlepping back and forth between our apartments, I remember all his good qualities and all the benefits of marriage, and I think:
Can’t we just be adults and make it work? Can’t we just agree not to fight any more? Be in one home, be practical, get over this trite, adolescent notion of forever soulful romantic love, have no expectations your husband will fulfill you and just be realistic already – FOR THE KIDS’ SAKE?
Then he will blame me for my kid tripping in the hallway of my apartment and getting a bloody boo-boo on his head, or cancel a visit with the kids last-minute because he wants to see a concert and all those cozy notions are thrown out the window quicker than a Las Vegas divorce.
Maybe it means I’m selfish. Maybe it means I can’t control my anger. Maybe it means I am an indulgent adolescent artist, but I don’t want to be married to my ex-husband, so I am not married to my ex-husband. We were great together in many ways, but we also bring out the worst in one another — something that neither of us are committed to overcoming. Also: I just don’t want to be married to him.
Also, also: That is OK.
All these feelings are totally normal, even if they are conflicting. Sit with them all, and feel them all. They are all part of the grieving and healing and celebrating process that is a breakup or divorce.
Going through a divorce now? What to ask for in negotiations, so you land on your feet
“I regret divorcing a good man.”
Sometimes, women regret divorcing a good guy. I know of one couple who split up because she felt like he cared too much about his career, and she was lonely. He was a good guy, her life was fine, but she wanted more. She fell in love with her gay fitness instructor (who, needless to say, did not return her sentiments), ended the marriage and when her ex went on to marry a much younger woman, have two babies and grow his restaurant business into a venture netting in the hundred-million-dollar range, she regretted her decision.
You likely will not, but just get on with it. Find the value in your experience, forge a new journey and land in a new and different — possibly better — place.
Why do we feel sad or guilty about divorce?
You may feel sad, guilty, or ashamed about getting a divorce because one or all of these:
- You loved him, and now you don't and you are grieving that loss.
- You hurt him and you feel guilty about that. He's a good guy!
- You upset your entire family, hurt your kids and upended your life. That is a lot of responsibility for one person to take on.
- You are worried your kids will hate you for the rest of your life.
- You took a risk and are worried that you will regret it later.
- You already regret your decision to divorce.
- Everything in your life is changing and that is always hard.
- Your original plan, your dream of how your life would look and what you thought you wanted didn't work out, and you are working on letting that go.
1. You feel you are breaking your commitment
You ended a relationship that you committed to (broke your commitment), and the reasons are likely your own happiness.
2. You may listen to society’s pressures or standards
Women are taught that our highest calling is to sacrifice for family and children. In other words, we are taught early on that our happiness is frivolous and selfish.
We are told from all sides that children in single-mom homes suffer and are being punished for their parents’ inability to keep an unhappy marriage together. Mothers always take the blame for this nonsense.
Wives are instructed to be the glue in a marriage — a straying husband, or unhappy husband, or frayed marriage is pegged on her letting herself go / not being attentive enough / being a bitch and nag / not good enough.
Even if on an unconscious level, you take on the sexist shaming of moms’ sexuality. Any desire you may have to date, find romance, get laid, test the dating waters, poke around on a dating site — or be public with a man you are deeply in love with (and maybe cheated on with) — is met with a bountiful dose of society’s madonna-whore complex when it comes to mothers: We are told that good mothers are virgins, and our children will shrivel in horror should they be subject to their mothers’ expression of womanhood.
3. You are dealing with grief
You are legit grieving a relationship that once brought you great joy and comfort.
You are also legit grieving a relationship / dream / family that you very much wanted, that was part of a dream and a plan and an assumption about what your life would be — and no longer is.
Again, all of this is normal. Work through your rotten feelings, and understand where they come from.
While I am here to tell you that it takes two people to make a relationship work, and both parties have a responsibility for a relationship not working out, there can be some overt actions society tells us are wrong that place the responsibility on one spouse, such as:
- Cheating
- Battling an addiction
- Physical or emotional abuse
- Managing finances poorly — including racking up debt, overspending, and inability to keep a job / refusal to work
- Lack of sex
- Simply wanting to leave to live your own life
If you are feeling guilty for wanting a divorce
If you feel guilty for leaving a marriage, and you are really beating yourself up, here are a few things to consider:
- Be honest: Is your husband really working on this relationship? Or has he passively given up, too.
- Is he happy? Be honest.
- Do you worry that if you leave, he will hurt himself, or otherwise be miserable? (Co-dependent alert!).
- Do all your friends and family think this marriage is really bad for you and urge you to leave? Listen to them. We are often our own worst judges.
See where I am going here? I get that you feel bad, but our society has established it as women’s jobs to keep our men happy, fed, laid and our marriages intact.
In reality, you are a woman with needs and desires and since we can now earn our own money, vote, and own land in our own damn names, marriages mainly serve as a source of emotional and sexual fulfillment. Once that is gone, there isn’t a whole lot of reason to stay.
Where to find the best, affordable life insurance for single moms (no medical exam) in 2023
How divorce guilt holds moms back
Where feelings of guilt related to your divorce get messy, is when you hold yourself back in implicit and explicit ways. You stay stuck. Here are common ways women’s divorce guilt keep them stuck.
Divorce guilt can make divorce more expensive and painful
If you are just starting out on your divorce journey, regret or guilt can manifest in all kinds of toxic ways that make the divorce process that much more painful for all parties involved — including hiring litigious attorneys, playing dirty and costing everyone money and heartache. (Read: Our guide for how to prepare for divorce)
If this touches a nerve, take a deep breath. Ask your higher power for grace, kindness, and forgiveness — of him, and yourself. Seek out the lowest-conflict divorce you can. This might mean working with a mediator or filing yourself for divorce online.
Divorce guilt can hurt your co-parenting relationship
No matter how you feel about your ex, or your marriage, or the end of that relationship, if you have kids together, here are the facts:
He will be in your life forever. The sooner you figure out how to co-parent amicably, the better. Read these rules for successful co-parenting — no matter how toxic your ex.
You may find that he is a better dad post-divorce, and now that you don’t fight with him any more, and have the kids half the time, you are a better mom.
You might like him again (it has happened).
Read our review of OurFamilyWizard, one of the first co-parenting apps
Divorce guilt keeps you from dating and finding love (and fun!)
PSA: Moms are women. Women are sexual, mature adults who need companionship, sex, and romance. Maybe you simply are not ready to date yet, and that is ok.
But are you not dating because of guilt? Do you feel like you don’t deserve to be in love?
Do you feel weird to have a sex life with someone who is not your kids’ dad?
Do your friends and family lay on the guilt about taking time away from the kids to date? Or worse — do they pressure you to hurry up and get married again while you are still young — and create a “real” family again for the sake of the kids?
Maybe you are dating, or even have a partner — but hide this part of yourself from your kids, shrouding that whole, very important part of yourself in shame — which I promise you: your kids pick up on this whether you think they do or not.
Here is what you should do:
- Poke around an online dating site, like eHarmony. I’m also a fan of matchmaking services, especially for busy moms.
- Get laid. Post-divorce sex is often mind-blowing. Trust me: good sex is not hard to find.
- Therapy can help. Learn about all the top online therapy sites, which can be more affordable and convenient than regular therapy.
- Hang out with the right people. Maybe spend time with the funny gay guys at the gym, or join my closed Facebook group Millionaire Single Moms, where single mothers chat openly, while also supporting moms struggling through guilt and shame.
- Make some new mom friends. Single motherhood takes a freaking village, and having a group of friends to support you and make you laugh can make the hard days a little less hard. We reviewed a bunch of friendship apps to help you make connections in your area.
Divorce guilt means you hold on to a house you can’t afford
I see moms holding on to properties they can’t afford in the name of:
- Shielding their children from the stress of moving house (fact: research finds that financial stress / poverty is the #1 biggest risk factor in divorce)
- Maintaining a lifestyle she believes she is entitled to / the couple sought while married (fact: you’re not married to him! You need a new dream now!)
My advice in 95% of these situations: Take that money and run!
If you can’t easily afford the house, you have no business being in it. You also owe it to yourself to move forward to a new, hopefully more fulfilling life. New scenery is in order. This article will help you decide whether to keep the house, or sell.
Divorce guilt means you hold on to keepsakes you don’t use
My general rule: If you are not using it, it does not bring you joy, or otherwise serves as a dark reminder of unhappy times — get rid of it. And no: Your kids do not want your engagement ring. It represents a failed marriage, and likely heartache for them. They don’t want that shit!
What do you do with this extra, guilt-free cash? Invest in making your life better!
- Invest any proceeds in a new home — one that is efficient, easy to care for, frees you up to build and enjoy other parts of your life.
- Invest in your retirement
- Invest in a new career or side gig. Read: Top-paying careers for moms
Or pay off debt.
How to cope and get over divorce guilt
Here are ways to get over your divorce guilt:
- Consider therapy with a company like BetterHelp.
- Focus on your own self-care.
- Hang out with people who get it, get you, and see happiness in you when you don’t have the courage to see it yourself. Again: Millionaire Single Moms on Facebook.
- Decide that tomorrow you will wake up, the guilt will be less than the day before, and that it may take a long time for it to be 100% gone. That’s cool.
- Find success stories about other thriving single moms. I have a bunch in my book, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin).
- Pay attention to how you identify yourself. You know those women who have been divorced for 30 years, and in the first 2 minutes of meeting someone new they unload that their husband left them for another woman / abused her / was living a double life / etc.? Don’t be that woman. She has one identity: A victim of divorce. You are not her. You are an adult with full control of who you are and your happiness. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise: YOUR HAPPINESS IS CRITICAL.
The best revenge is living your best life — and sometimes you need to take revenge on yourself.
What I mean is this: Today you feel all kinds of shame and guilt for wanting to leave your relationship. Fast-forward to next year and your life is incredible: You are in shape, feel great, dating a great guy (or dating a lot of guys), thriving in your career, your finances are shaping up and your kids are doing AMAZING.
Rule one when you’re a nice guy decent kinda of guy. Always get a prenuptial agreement and save every receipt from the money you spent on female. If I had know this trick, I could’ve been a millionaire in my teens. Rule two. You hear one word about the ex-gf or ex-gf LEAVE.
Rule 3. She’s not under age 25 to 18 LEAVE.
OK, I think you made the right call getting divorced. I have no beef with that. What I do think is wrong is you got married under false pretenses. If you thought that you were not cut out to be a traditional wife, you should have never married him, and you should have been honest with him. You could have saved the people in your life so much pain if you were honest with yourself and lived an authentic life. You took away his agency by not being honest about the kind of person you are, and that is what I have a beef with.
Sorry to be blunt, but your husband is lucky to have you out of his life. Being married to a selfish person is a disaster.
Simple solution for all you dudes out there. NEVER EVER GET MARRIED! Just hook up temporarily with all these divorced women chasing tingles (which they think is love), and then move on.
Sorry to be blunt, but your husband is lucky to have you out of his life. Being married to a selfish person is a disaster.
Simple solution for all you dudes out there. NEVER EVER GET MARRIED! Just hook up temporarily with all these divorced women chasing tingles (which they think is love), and then move on.
Why Women Initiate Most Breakups
Before I focus my attention on the ladies who still have one eye stuck in their how to get a guy to (____) article as they attempt to read this, or who have just learned some “tips” and “tricks” that will make a man want to commit sooner, I want to share a quick word with the lads. My fellow fellas, If you think what you are about to read is more regurgitated bellyaching about women’s monkey branching and “Chad” and “Tyrone”, you’re going to have to adjust your cognitive settings and perhaps lengthen your attention span. Reflecting women’s flaws to them by whining about them in hopes that they feel bad and stop dating Chad (and as much as they are relationship toilets waiting to be flushed with the turds of men that they date, you still want them to give you the love that your needy ass desperately needs) might be your way of doing things. I, however, tend to reflect women’s dumb brains to the world by holding the mirror in one hand, and holding popcorn in the other as I enjoy the front row view of socially conditioned women making complete spectacles of their gender!
Now ladies, if you think I’m about to tow the party line with more self-deluding, self-help book, relationship advice hogwash about your pulling the plug on relationships because of lying and cheating and domestic violence and other things that cause women to actually STAY with men for as long as they can tolerate said men, then get ready to be introduced to the REAL reason why women initiate about 80 percent of relationship breakups.
Let me start with this…
Imagine a guy that tries to become friends with another guy that he admires and respects, and does so, not by being someone of similar values or by being a positive influence in his life, but through manipulation by exploiting his naivety, gullibility and weaknesses. First of all, he is counting on the guy to have qualities that are the opposite of what made him seem admirable and respectable in the first place. This doesn’t do him any justice, because the qualities that he is hoping to exploit are qualities that will cause him to think lesser of the very person he is trying to befriend as a result of his admiration and respect for him. In other words, he is shortsighted and stupid. Secondly, he isn’t showing that man any respect by preying on him like he’s a pack animal. And he certainly can’t maintain respect for someone that he has that kind of attitude towards.
Now take this point and use it to look at the way women try to attain men. Women typically tend to do 3 things in pursuit of men that they’re trying to snag. They tend to exploit men’s sexual attraction for them by whoring themselves out or they turn themselves into commodities, which is another way of whoring themselves out, or they wait for some magical prince charming to emerge out of thin air and sweep them off their feet.
Okay, I’m not even going to bother entertaining that third stupid thing that women do, especially since I enjoy watching those delusional, idiot women get used and abused. If you’re going to leave it up to some man to have his way with you the way you want him to have his way with you and only when you want him to have his way with you, then you deserve what you get for counting on a man to see you as a retard that’s devoid of any adult agency.
The real point here is that when you see a man that is financially successful and has other qualities that you find attractive, you are playing against yourself if you’re counting on him to be naive and gullible to your intentions of snagging him as a provider or as some means to an end. Your entire plan to attract a man you are attracted to is predicated on him being the very type of person that turns you off or has qualities that you find less than attractive. It is illogical, irrational and quite ridiculous. It is the female brain being the female brain. By the way, when you commodify yourself for a guy, you are pretty much saying that you don’t have an identity, you are just a tramp that seeks social approval. You are not the female version of the man that you find interesting, so you turn yourself into his groupie to gain access into his life. That is some low self-esteem having, low level shit!
You can’t remain attracted to someone that you don’t respect, and you can’t respect someone that you see as a mark. Manipulating a man into doing what you want or giving you what you want might give you temporary satisfaction. Snagging a sucker that you see as a meal ticket or lottery ticket might get you someone to make parasitic use of. In either case, you are counting on a man to be dumb, naive and blind to your motives. It’s no wonder women are always pulling plugs on relationships due to the “romance” being dead. They can’t seem to realize that they are the reason why they are no longer attracted to the chump they were hoping to have both as their malleable fool and as their strong, respectable, masculine friend. Yes, I know, women aren’t the smartest thinkers, but this is not exactly about intelligence. This is an example of women being undermined by their own immaturity and selfishness. Women howl the loudest about relationships, commitment and companionship, but have the least amount of respect, understanding and appreciation for them. And no amount of dating advice that women seek for the sake of getting what they want out of a man will make things any better.
To be fair, the female biological objective is to find a male that can protect and provide for her and her offspring. Biology isn’t telling females to prioritize human decency. It’s a tough task to fight that, especially when women live in a culture that feeds them a sense of entitlement that’s larger than the world they live in and augments their biological nature with endless amounts of messages about how much they deserve from men and how to fill their long list of requirements in the most self-centered way possible. It also doesn’t help women’s relationship lives with men when women are trying to be equal to and compete with the same men they find attractive for being superior to them and are envious of at the same time. Women are envious of the same masculinity that they are attracted to, they are disgusted by the male sexuality that they rely on, and they are repelled by the weakness and emotional vulnerability that they think men are toxic and too stoic for not showing.
The female psyche is a very miserable thing to study. The life of a woman is a miserable existence. Just look at the average woman and see how miserable she is. Besides being mentally and emotionally unstable, the vast majority of women seem to be dealing with constant internal conflict while seeking dichotomous attributes from potential males that are oxymoronic. This impossible, self defeating goal leads them to misery regardless of what type of man they end up with. Like I’ve said before, being dominated by an alpha male makes her feel like shit, and dominating a beta male makes her feel like shit, so she seeks salvation in equality… But men and women are NOT equal.
Women are generally attracted to men that are taller, richer, bigger, stronger, smarter, braver, more confident, more competent and more educated than they are. And when a woman happens to land a man that is all that more than she is, she feels insecure and looks to find some way to outdo him or oneup him. Should she happen to “win” the competition or power struggle, she will no longer be attracted to the man she now sees as lesser than herself or someone that isn’t better than her. The novelty will be dead and the man will no longer be a “challenge”. In her eyes, he would have lost his edge, resulting in her loss of interest. So while she might end up feeling less insecure as a result of showing a man that she can do anything he can do, and do it better, she also ends up feeling less attracted to him. Like I said, the female brain being the female brain. It’s the female psyche, it’s female neurosis!
In short, and in closing, women are not quite cut out for relationships, at least not healthy ones. And this also applies to relationships women have with other women. Just look at how fake women are with their female friends, how jealous and insecure they are, and how they use less attractive women to prop themselves up. Plus look at how violent and dysfunctional lesbian couples are. Maybe it made sense why women were kept as obedient housewives and property of man to be taken care of and disciplined like children. At least now, women, while still children, have the option of being miserable by themselves!
I would argue that most women are unaware of this part of themselves that I illustrated. The ones that are, don’t really know how to express it or can’t quite put their finger on it. This also made me realize how simple men really are. It’s A LOT easier to be happier as a man. We don’t require women to be and to have a long list of things. We don’t require women to become attractive to us by performing a song and dance and turning us on with various attributes. Women are attractive upon sexual maturity. And I’m not talking about picky women, I’m talking about “normal” women.
Men don’t rely on women for survival, men rely on women for reproduction. So we don’t have to manipulate the same person we want to be in love with by exploiting their weaknesses and trapping them into commitment to ensure that we are provided for. We don’t require our love interests to be selfless, stoic, brave, stable and all about us. Another way of saying that is men are the givers of dick and the givers of security. Women are indeed takers. Earners are happier than recipients of unearned wealth, unearned power, unearned respect etc. Hunters enjoy the kill more than the people who eat for free. Getting free shit without breaking a sweat feels boring and miserable after a while. And this is why I laugh at female privilege. Female “privilege” is not only the cause of female misery, but it’s afforded to them at the expense of their dignity, agency and autonomy.
Maslow’s ladder made me realize that women might not ever feel the happiness that an adult male can experience, as happiness comes from gratitude and seeing the fruits of one’s labor and sacrifice. Women have their basic needs provided for them, their love is transactional and they inherit their social prestige from men they marry. And gratitude? That’s not a virtue I see many women being taught by society. They are being taught the opposite. I could go on for many more paragraphs, but I will end it here.
She actually did him a huge favor by divorcing him (though divorce is an awful thing). In her absence (both sexually and emotionally), he will likely avoid a having to deal with unwanted STDs and a heap of emotional/sexual frustration (as she likely had begun withholding sex from him). All he has to do is never (and i mean NEVER) take her back or have sex with her EVER AGAIN. He now has the opportunity to focus on honing in on what it is about himself that led to his poor choice in picking a mate. Lastly, if he choose, he can make certain not to make the same mistake in choosing his next mate (someone worthy of his love, unlike his ex). When vomit forces its way out of your mouth, let go; it’s a good thing (don’t try to slurp it up off of the ground later on either).
WOW! There are hundreds of articles asking why marriage rates are falling. This story is just reason #233134
The reason you feel guilt is because you’ve done a seriously awful, selfish thing to good people. That good man will be shattered. And the family will be dented big time.
She’ll probably try to crawl back in the near future. I pray this man has self respect and tells her exactly where to crawl to.
All these selfish excuses in the comments “You go girl”. You will ALL be miserable in your pursuit of the impossible.
Unchecked hypergamy = cats.
Enjoy your cats ladies. You’re going to need them.
If it was a male that did any of the above, he’d be branded a pig.
Women want a good man. They find a good man. Then they cheat on a good man. Why? Because he gave them the house and kids. Now they divorce the good man and fight tooth and nail for the house.
Very interesting article. My wife of 7 years (we have a 4 year old son) just told me that she wants to separate, because she is finally earning good money, and wants to live an easy and carefree life (she wants a motorcycle, sea doo and Jeep, but we cant afford all of these at the same time, but I would work towards getting them for her together ). I fit perfectly into the mold of this article’s type of husband, as my wife has told me too (saying I’m a wonderful husband, father, make great money, dont drink, do drugs, faithful, responsible and love both my son and wife to death). Needless to say, this article is exactly bang on to what I am currently going through. I just keep wondering why my wife wants to leave, if I am all of the things above? This article explains quite clearly where my wife’s head is at. It seems that she wants a life that she feels she can’t have while being married to myself.
Take the red pill and learn from your mistakes. If you would’ve drank, got high, and had a couple mistresses intermittently between episodes of love bombing she’d have had the emotional rollercoaster women really want and she’d never leave. Plus it would’ve been more fun for you too. Look to youtube red pill content to continue going forward. Oh and never, ever sign another marriage license.
First off, she is probably already cheating on you. I advise you to contact a Private Investigator, maybe through your lawyer, to find evidence so that you will have a stronger position in your divorce. That’s the thing, these women are behaving like children constantly seeking instant gratification. She’s living in a fantasy and you need to have the respect for yourself to know that you can do better. Just remember, men reach their peak attractiveness around 37-39. Women reach their’s at 22-24. I don’t know how old you are now but you will have the stronger position. Don’t take her back when she comes crawling to you after she’s bounced around from fling to fling.
Your wife is making more than you, and that’s the problem.
90% of relationships where the female earns more money end up in separation. The ones that don’t, the woman ends up cheating. Why’s that? Because women are NOT attracted to men they deem as inferior (even if she’s only making more money because you paid for her studies).
Never uplift women. If she’s ignorant and “clumsy”, don’t educate her. Keep her status way below your and make her think that you are WAY above her league and that you’re doing her a favor by settling down with her. It’s the only way to keep her attracted to you. I know it sounds lame and sad, but that’s how women work. You gotta play around their feelings, as irrational as they may seem.
So much drama. Everybody knows how it feels to feels dead on the inside, haha. That’s how life is a lot of the time. It’s a struggle, interspersed with fleeting moments of excitement and titillation. So if the nature of life will end up being something you blame on a partner or being in a long relationship, it will definitely be a good idea to stay out of them.
Funny, if someone did that to you or a bf does that to you, you will make a post complaining about how guys are crap.
You need serious help the person who wrote this article my god how can you advice people to destroy families so they can be happy meanwhile the husband will end up either doing hard drugs or dead. You think That’s “normal”? Hahahah
If you want to be single and free that’s great and perfectly fine but when you make a family and make a commitment then you can’t go back on that don’t you understand you are effecting other people now (kids/husband) but all you care abo it is “yourself”. May god forgive you for what you did to your husband.
I don’t understand all the hateful comments. Why is it such a horrible thing to take care of your own well-being when your husband isn’t? My husband is a nice guy and he tries his hardest, as do I, at making this work. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. Sometimes you would rather be dead than to feel the way you do about your marriage and/or spouse and you have a constant battle in your head on a daily basis because you don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s pain. EVER! So I should I go ahead and off myself because he doesn’t want a divorce, but having a conversation with him is maddening?
She’s childishly chasing instant gratification. The problem is her. She will never find the “perfect” guy she’s looking for. If she does, she’ll get bored with him too. She’s either going to end up settling with a lesser guy in 15 years or she’ll end up a cat lady. Either way, she’s devastated her family for a fantasy that doesn’t exist. Also, I would bet money that she’s already been cheating on him.
You are an evil woman. may your husband be rid of you and find someone who loves him.
It will be your husbands best interest to leave asap with your mindset & reasoning
What exactly wasn’t he doing that was described in the letter? Why didn’t she mention it and bring it to his attention then? There was the intimacy thing but we can all guess whom probably ceased that avenue. At no point was there a mention of any unhappiness. If anything it seemed like she was getting annoyed that her husband wasn’t either making as much money as she was OR that he just didn’t know the inner workings of her business. Hence the ‘intellectual’ equality.
Don’t get me wrong she can get divorced if she wants to, she can do that. Most people are disgusted by the fact of how flimsy her reasoning was, or the fact that she didn’t even attempt to create a unity between her husband in whatever regards she was complaining about. If she did and he just refused and she kept giving him chances to do whatever she wanted then yes by all means go for it. To simply uproot because a few men were giving you attention and had one alignment with you in regards to your business is selfish. I mean really if it a man did this to a good woman. None of you ladies would be defending his actions for working on his ‘well-being’.
This is incredibly selfish and naive. You made a commitment and you should be ashamed for breaking it for such selfish reasons.
No guy in his right mind would date a woman that threw away her husband in such a matter. Since he’d fear that he’d be next…Also beijg a middle age single mother doesn’t help.
My best friends wife left him a few years ago.
She got the house, new car and kids, he got the 97 fiesta which he sleeps in while paying for the house. Her new Boyfriend enjoys the nice house he spent ten years remodeling.
A few months ago she sold the house (his grandparents farmhouse) took the kids to Michigan.
They found him dead in his car last week, hose connected to the exhaust.
I broke up with my GF after this, I want nothing to do with women anymore, I can’t even look at them .
Go monk and be happy.
This is horrifying. Are all women this disgustingly selfish? You ruined a good man’s life because you don’t get the tingles anymore! How is that anything but evil? This kind of horror story is why men are afraid to marry. There’s nothing in it for them besides a HUGE gamble with nothing to win and everything to lose. Never trust women, gentlemen. They all have the potential to destroy your life like this monster. It’s best just to stay way from them commitment wise, have your fun and toss them out when you’re done. Don’t hire, vote for, or mentor them either. They’re out for themselves and have no concern at all for you and your wellbeing.
Nah, she didn’t ruin his life. In 5 years he’s going to find a woman younger and hotter than her who’s not so dumb to chase a fantasy, She’s hurting her family but that’s going to rebound when she realizes that her most attractive years are behind her and she other has to accept being alone or settling for a guy less attractive than the one she just left.
Wow. There was/is so much to unpack here. Emma is correct on a number of things but here are some where she is horribly wrong.
1. Society blames men more for the break up. He could not satisfy her in whatever way she needed it. A woman can get some shame only if she flaunts her infidelity.
2. Don’t stop arguing with yourself. At least not for awhile. Not “arguing” with yourself means you quit thinking.
3. You are being selfish. You SHOULD feel guilty. Marriage and families are not way points in life. Both parents make sacrifices. Families are a team effort. When the kids are grown then both or either parent can take more time for themselves.
4. Children in single mother homes fair far worse than a two parent home. Yes, work it out until the kids are adults.
5. Women fight tooth and nail to hang on to a house and lifestyle during a divorce because they know he will be forced to pay for it by the court.
6. The stories presented here are text book examples of hypergamy and misandry. Emma conveniently ignores this.
Clearly someone that does not understand that it is possible for a woman to be the bread winner in a family. The existing home may be the largest expense that the mother can handle on her own self-generated income; so why on earth is it appropriate for you or anyone else to judge that decision. Get a life, all of you. One person’s decision does not affect you. Women and men alike are afforded the right to choose their paths. I personally, would rather know that my spouse was married to me because he wanted to be or know that he left me honestly because he didn’t, rather than live an unhealthy lie for both my children and me. I read this article because I wanted to understand another perspective—not to judge it.
No, everyone is upset because despite all that this women had she still choose to abandon her family for her OWN gains. Not for her husband or her kids. At no point in her letter did she say she was unhappy or depressed. Instead it was because he wasn’t intellectual on her level despite his concessions for her. I thought it was differences that made people- well people. I don’t force my wife into everything I do or want and she doesn’t do it to me. We both understand we have our strengths in certain areas. Not to mention this seemed more like a whim than an actual underlining issue. Let’s not forget her blatant acknowledgment on not being intimate with her husband whom was, ‘attractive and fit.’ Instead prefers the company of old and fat dudes. At no point did she have any reservations about even talking to her husband regarding this matter. I mean I thought good communication between couples was relationship 101. It’s whatever you know she’s her own person neither you, I or anyone will have any bearing on her decisions. At the same time if a man did this, following his OWN path, which resulting in him leaving a good woman and kids. Well, there would be a lynching…
Brothers, this is 100% of women. You will never be enough for her. She will expect you to sacrifice everything to make the family work, even if you aren’t in love anymore… but the second she loses interest, its over.
Apparently even a Prince isn’t enough for a modern woman if you’re following UK news.
Why do I feel so guilty for wanting to leave my husband? Like a lot of the other people, I am going through a similar situation. My husband and I have been married for five years and together for seven. We also have two amazing kids together. SO, here is my issue. I noticed my husband looking at a website that had all naked girls and stuff like that. I said something to him about it and he dismissed me. I started noticing he never appreciated anything I did anymore, I could never do anything right and when we argued he would call names (Bitch, Cunt, Retarded, Idoit, ETC.) He never complimented me anymore, it was I always need to lose this or tone that. I was about to leave him and then I let him talk me into staying he promised he would change, and he would get better. Things did change for a little while and we got married during this time. When I found out I was pregnant, my husband started pushing my other kid from a previous marriage aside, like he didn’t matter anymore. He would never carry on a conversation with him or do anything with him as he used to and when he would say something, he was yelling at him to do his chores. Anytime he had something to say he would just yell it and get so frustrated with my son. My husband when we first met would always say he was our son and not just mine which also changed to him calling him just my son. So, of course, we would argue and fight over this but not just that, him not appreciating me or not wanting to have sex, him putting my feelings down like they do not matter. One day he gave me his phone while he was doing something, and a bunch of porn sites popped up. I got very upset and told him how I felt it was disrespectful and how much I disapproved of that and how it hurt my feelings he swore he wouldn’t do it again. I believed him. Another year passes we are still having the same arguments about my feelings, him disrespecting me and how he treats my son. Nothing is changing. He blames it on his job and him being so stressed. We relocate he changed jobs and I end up getting pregnant again, and while I am 8 months Prego I find a message on his phone from an Instagram account I didn’t even know he had. He is once again looking up other women who are half-naked but this time he is looking up women who are bigger than me but he is still telling me I need to lose weight and tone this or that and I should wear this or that or complaining that I never get my nails or hair done anymore. Me being Prego I stayed. Another year passes and we are still having the same arguments over and over. I Still to this day I find little stuff on his phone where he has looked up this person topless or he has gone to this porn site. He says I am being ridiculous and immature, and he doesn’t understand why it bothers me so much. He has also said he has talked to all his buddies and all of them who have step kids treat them the way he treats my son. This has all happened over the last four years and the last four years we have been having the same arguments over and over. SO, I finally told him I was done that I couldn’t do this anymore, he talked me into going to counseling we have been going, I am still going, but I honestly feel it’s too late. I feel he let too much time go by before he really wanted to start trying to work on it. And he really is trying I can see it but there are still the name-calling every once in a while and the attitude for no reason. I love him, but I am not in love with him. Not to mention I have still found some type of porn, topless women or something on his phone, he selectively deletes stuff which tells me he’s hiding things. I want a divorce I haven’t told him yet, but I want to know why I feel so guilty and am I wrong for wanting a divorce.
If your story is accurate then the guy sounds like a loser. He’s probably already cheating on you. Look into lawyers and hire a P.I. to get evidence that he’s cheating. It will give you a huge advantage in divorce settlements.
It is best to separate, not divorce because divorce means you stop loving him. Well, if he cheats or anything, then don’t divorce right away, the reason you can divorce is that you are not one, but two. But it doesn’t you can divorce him, but best separate him. So, that will show you are willing to be patient and love him to the end as you promise when you marry him, so not break a promise, so will you divorce your children if your children cause you a problem? I am sure not because it is more common to divorce spouses than children since there is no article for divorced spouses.
So, any person you are with always cause you problem since that what human are to cause a problem as they are not infinity good, so same as a dog cause problem to you that put bathroom all over around so you feel frustrated, so same with kids and husband, and anyone. The more you are close, the more you will feel frustrated. So, did you both go to date and talk to each other, to arose his feeling?? Why he feels that way?? Is it is any your fault did you nag him, and cause a problem or so? Compare to your kids, how you react to kids to husband? It is worse or better? If it is better, that shows you love your children more than your husband, so you can show equal love or more love so reduce the problem. So, ask question and why he is feeling stress? And let him know it is not about another person that is doing things, but it is about you and him, so all matters are both of you and especially each individual that is within which your inner matter more than his inner since it is your responsibility to do good, so is his, but he fails a bit, but you can pass by staying and be patient to show love. The more he causes problem, the more you show love, as long as it is not misleading that is two-faced, but accurate love. Remaining him in past, you love me, you pay attention to me, and so on, then what change? If you change, then do more as equal in the past. Even you are not in love, but you love him, so you love kids, but can’t be in love to kids but can do more and give more like you are in love, the same principle, so love and in love as both good words which need patient and give attention, but in love is an extra with staring, having sex, long hug.
Love him harder, but don’t give tough love except being firm, but not cruel or harsh, be very firm. Love is about doing your best to end. That shows you are the best wife ever, so the best mother is always popular in the term, but the best wife is not popular unless maybe in the good term, but not all term, the bad and the good. At least in movies and articles (perhaps). Let your husband know that you think you are lying about divorce or so, and when you want to divorce, then why he wants to stop you? It is because he wants a service, not a wife? So, you service him like he is a kind and you are the service? The way he acts, it is likely he doesn’t mind divorce, but you don’t. Tell him, it is likely you want to divorce me so why you act like you want to divorce me? That what divorce means to stop loving another person, not simply love, but like hate or low like, or something. It would be best for him to divorce you than you, and if he does, then you can say no and want separate, but your decision. So, do everything that is best in your power to remind him and do something for him so you arose his feeling, his love feeling. Also arise your feeling.
In short, women get bored with being married to the same guy over a long period of time, as they approach their 30’s and 40’s their sex drives are ramping up and they decide that having a family and husband is highly inconvenient right now when all they want to do is shag a few football teams worth of men so they throw their marriage away for the opportunity to shag some different people and who gives a toss about the collateral damage as long as they are ok and getting what they want.
Hard to argue with any of that
“I wanted the divorce — so why do I feel so sad?”
My guess is that it comes down to the understanding that everyone else did everything right and she still wasn’t satisfied. She won’t admit it, but her subconscious knows she won’t EVER be happy and that is the real source of her displeasure. We can’t chalk it up to her concerns for others because she demonstrated she has none. All that is left is her concern for self. Years from now, after a number of failed relationships, she’ll be demanding to know where all of the good men are, forgetting that she abused them in her younger years because no one was ever good enough for her and she had no concept of contentment.
Mom left my dad I hate her for it I lost all respect for her when I was 9 and til this day she’s been 12 different relationships “looking for love” my father are-married after 2 years.
My wife of 10 years just now tells me she’s slept with different men our first 2 years together while we dated. I want to divorce her soooo bad but we have 4 kids and a house she’ll get everything and I’ll rather burn everything to the ground befor I let that happen. I fell in love with another women who is deeply in love with me but I plan to use her for sex only ‘I won’t marry again.
I was Faithful for 10 years worked 2 jobs paid her school books and school fees bought her a new car and paid for her apartment only to find out she’s been getting smashed in on of her holes all I see is beat up P***y. 1st thought use to be I miss her today, now it’s “eww disgusting nasty B***h.
I would have given her a second chance but she lied the entire way, took her a long time to finally give me the truth. And one of guys she was in love with posted a video of her getting banged up on a porn site, a close next door neighbor bumped into the video and told me about it she still lied for years even after actual video proof I trusted her and didn’t believe she was such a terrible person I thought she loved me too much, we hold hands we kiss we laugh and talk every day… but she admitted it she claimed she suppressed it that’s why she Didn’t believe it was her.
So F**k that B***h I’m screwing different women left and right and right and left now. I’ll say I love them I want them I need them etc then I disappear faster then a New York minute.
I confuse her on purpose too I’ll fight for our marriage then hurt her over and over then do it all over again. She lied to me for 10 years I’ll string her along for 10 years.
Find a way to get the kids and get out.
My husband left because he got excited by some other woman and decided he could not love me anymore. It is similar to what this woman felt with her coworkers. I have to say she crazy for leaving a good man. You can get the passion back but you don’t want to get it back. You are tapped out. Your next marriage you will reach a point where you are tapped out and have to seek more thrill and leave that husband. My therapist said these types are incapable of deep relationships. They keep moving on to the next thrill.
ding ding ding! This is spot on. These types of women(or men too) aren’t capable of deep meaning relationships. Many of them are probably on the spectrum of personality disorders. My wife for example diagnosed with a cluster B type personality disorder is never happy or satisfied with anything. Constantly changing expectations, nothing can be her fault, she’s bored easily. I’m pretty sure I’m just a means to get what she wanted. Married, kids, a house. Now she got what she wanted needed to increase what she expects and demands, routinely threatens divorce. Have been to counseling etc.
The whole system is set up to victimize women and accuse men of being the perpetrator of anything negative. In my opinion a man that is a perpetrator of getting bored, being selfish, etc gets what he rightfully deserves, fighting for the rights to his kids, pays support, loses his home. After all a spouse that gets the other souse to fully invest and probably was never invested then decides to pull the plug should be left to pick up the pieces. But a woman gets rewarded for being selfish like these men while the good men endure the consequences of decisions they had no say in. Of course it’s easy to leave when you’re going to get to keep almost everything get support etc.
I read the comments here and realize some of them outright say that idk that I was ever in love, that they’re suicidal and so on. These are issues that most people would’ve been aware of before they were married. Why get someone to commit set you up on a good path, use them as stepping stones for some of your accomplishments then pull the plug. Basically you have no conscience, again this is exactly what Narcissists, antisocials and other related personality disordered people do. They’re not capable of love, get bored, act out of self interest.
Personally a lot of society won’t agree with me but if you’re going to walk away, you should walk away. There’s no reason that someone that walks away thinks they should stay forcing the other to take a hike and lose out that’s ridiculous.
These people will move on use up their next partner til they’re bored and just withdraw or keep a pattern of leaving good people. All this I want to leave for no reason is really a sign of immaturity and I feel sorry for your current partners and your next whoever they may be.
I’d like to see a post a post about men just leaving their wives because they were bored, have other sexual opportunities, didn’t get enough notches in their belt before marriage. They’ll be labeled as jerks, dogs, pigs you name it. Not sure what the female equivalent of all that is but ya that’s what these woman are the female equivalent of these men. It’s really a shame that the male and female equivalents of these two don’t end up together and drag each other down vs destroying their partners, kids and many others all in the name of “doing me”.
Did you ever stop to consider the fact that romantic partnerships all follow more or less the same trajectory? There are various names for each stage, but generally speaking: 1. Romance 2. Disillusionment 3. Misery and 4. Awakening. It really doesn’t matter who you’re with, you’ll eventually reach the latter stages if you stick with someone long enough, because we’re all humans and we have flaws and quirks. I’m not speaking to abuse, infidelity or other extreme situations, but rather the ebb and flow of any partnership. You can stay in stage 1, and leave when things progress to 2 or 3, but I think that says more about you than it does about your partner/s? Marriage does become work after a while, but you cycle back and forth, and you can get back to stage 1 if both partners invest in it. But ultimately, the grass is greener where you water it.
It sounds like you’re just not into marriage based on your own words. If that’s the case, then that’s fine. By all means, do you. But there’s no point in getting married if you aren’t 100% committed to it being forever, with the obvious exceptions of abuse, infidelity, etc. etc. That’s the whole point of marriage.
The number 1 common denominator of the few marriages that never failed are ones where the bride was a virgin. Fact.
Google or Bing it, instead of lazily asking me for sources.
Sounds like most of you used your husband as a sperm donor. Wanted committment, got it, got the baby, now want out. And it is easier to leave a marriage knowing most mothers get the kid. Most likely why women initiate 73% of divorces. Good luck to you all!
Thank you so much for this article. I married my husband in 2011, and even then I had a voice in my head saying something wasn’t right. I married him because he’s the most selfless, wonderful man I’ve ever met. Truly he is. But I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with him. Before I met him I fell in love with my best friend and the heartbreak from that relationship ending just about destroyed me. I convinced myself that the only men I feel a spark for are unavailable, emotionally or otherwise, and the challenge associated with those kinds of men. When I met my husband he was so nice to me, and really the first man I let take care of me. I wish I was passionate about him. I hate that I’m not, but pretending isn’t fair. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and he is the best father in the world. Most of the time I think I just need to suck it up for her. That’s the commitment you make when you have kids right? I’ve recently fallen in love with a man at work and while we haven’t cheated we talk about it. A part of me thinks he’s proof of my pattern – that I’m only into unavailable men and the challenge they provide, but the way I feel around this man, our connection, the thought of growing old with him and taking care of each other, of having another child with him are all so appealing. I lost my mom to cancer at 61 years old in August and losing a parent slaps you in the face with thoughts about your own mortality. Life is so very short. I want passion, sex, love, laughter, chemistry, intimacy. I’m just so scared I’ll regret leaving such a wonderful man.
“I’ve recently fallen in love with a man at work and while we haven’t cheated we talk about it. A part of me thinks he’s proof of my pattern – that I’m only into unavailable men and the challenge they provide, but the way I feel around this man, our connection, the thought of growing old with him and taking care of each other, of having another child with him are all so appealing … Life is so very short. I want passion, sex, love, laughter, chemistry, intimacy. I’m just so scared I’ll regret leaving such a wonderful man.”
Willing to bet a significant amount of money that you’d end up ultimately leaving that man at work, too. Passion, sparks, chemistry — those are igniters to a relationship, but they can’t sustain one because they never last. Also, “falling in love with a man at work” is really suspect. I doubt you really know him? You’re in love with the way he makes you feel, but you don’t really know him, so I wouldn’t trust that. It doesn’t mean you should stay with someone you don’t love, but nonetheless, I’d think hard about what “love” actually is, because it isn’t sparks, fireworks and all that — that’s what movies try to sell. Love is lot deeper than that. You’re describing infatuation more than you are love imo.
This has been a while, but I hope you didn’t make the mistake of leaving. The problem is inside you, you need peace. You have it, you have your perfect partner and family, you’re just numb to it.
You should have never married.
Its not ok. Your not GOD and stop pretending you are.
Feminism Does Not Exist In Scripture.
Your just another Attention whore
Al – first of all “You’re”.
Wow – judge much?
Who are you to tell anyone anything. You know nothing. You aren’t in her situation. Men do it all the time but dear-sweet-jesus – a woman feels that way and she’s a whore? She is allowed to feel that way. People outgrow each other all the time. Needs and goals change. And sometimes, what changes is who our support system is and who we were married to (or are married to). She is doing both herself and him a favor – allowing him to find someone who appreciates him for who he is and she needs to find who fulfills her. Does it suck? YUP. It isn’t ideal. But resentment and not connecting in a broken marriage be successful. Both deserve to be happy.
Why are you on this site if you aren’t supportive or seeking answers? Looks like a loooooot of bitter men here. It isn’t that men will never be good enough. That is an unfair blanket statement. Sometimes the status quo isn’t enough. We are all wired differently and need more to keep us going.
And women – shame for judging someone doing what she needs to do to be happy and healthy. You may not approve but how dare you judge.
And if you don’t approve – what do you accomplish by berating her? NOTHING. SHAME on you for doing so. Everyone is hurting and you just put more of it out there. Reflect on your life and see how perfect you are. And let us know how that goes……
Not a single man on here would ever deny that ‘men don’t do it too’. Far from it, we’re constantly told how terrible and despicable we can be. Yet when a women does something unethical or immoral she’s championed as a hero regardless of the consequences.
The only comments that have been objective and personable have all been from men commenters here. There are tons of stats, articles and the like of this being a growing trend among women. The fact you are actually condoning both the letter up top and this commenter or for leaving/cheating Is disgusting. Don’t you find it a little concerning that 70-90% of all divorces are initiated by women? Not only that but the court system is rigged against men. Just to emphasize the point again but no one is denying that men don’t do shitty things. On this note then how would you feel if a man did this to his wife? Flirting and even considering having an affair?
Like J said infatuation ISN’T love! It’s just those butterflies that you get when you get a SEXUAL attraction. You should look up the types/levels of love that was described by Ancient Greece. One of which is enduring love, it’s different t from that butterfly feeling. Women keep constantly chasing these butterflies. Sad to say they don’t last forever, and so many woman today are in a constant cycle of chasing…..waterfalls…
It’s whatever women have been complaining about there being no ‘good’ men anymore. I wonder why….?
Oh and let’s just say a growing YouTuber covered this…hence the amount of males here..