Divorce guilt is simply feeling bad because you chose to leave your spouse, initiate divorce, or otherwise believe your actions caused the end of your marriage.
It is normal to feel guilty or question your decision, especially when you think about the potential impact it can have on your family or others around you. Guilt is a reason to stay married, but it is not one that will inspire either of you to truly work on making the relationship a thriving, committed, connected one.
I see women get stuck on the divorce that they very much wanted and see the value in. Explicitly or implicitly, they feel guilty and that guilt holds them back.
Many women feel guilt about divorce. Divorce guilt lasts as long as you choose to, though it does take time to get over a big breakup. A good solid year is a generous measure of time to grieve.
Struggling with horrible guilt after filing for divorce? Consider finding a therapist online using a therapy platform like BetterHelp. Read about my experience with BetterHelp.
Recently a mom emailed me:
“I want to divorce my husband but I feel guilty.”
I feel so guilty for leaving my marriage. My husband is a really, really nice guy. He is a great dad, loves me a lot, has a good career. There was nothing really wrong with our marriage. I just didn’t love him any more and wanted out.
Now, our divorce is almost finalized, and we have all been so devastated — especially our kids. Now they have to schlep back and forth between two homes, go through the pain of having divorced parents, my ex is devastated, his parents and our friends are devastated, and we are both poorer having to support two homes. Even the dog loses since she stayed with me and misses her ‘dad’!
Of course I am very sad about all of this, but I just could not be married to him any more. We are not intellectual or professional peers — I am growing a digital business I am passionate about, while he is 100% content in his middle-management corporate job with good benefits.
I stopped being sexually attracted to him years ago, even though he is still a very handsome and fit man. Instead, I find myself fantasizing about and/or flirting with men in my professional circles who are mentally stimulating to me, understand my career and creative drive and ignite in me something I think I never experienced with my husband — deep, feminine PASSION (some of these guys are fat or old or not handsome — and I still find them so, so sexy!). These are men who jibe with my own growing social circle of equally driven and creative people — people who my husband never really connected with or felt comfortable around (even though, in all his decency and devotion to me, was always kind to and made an effort for).
I don’t have any commitment to any of these men, but simply feeling that way around them made me realize that by staying in my marriage, I am missing out on something I deeply crave and long to nurture.
Now, on the other side of my marriage, I see that I may not ever find that kind of romantic connection that I crave, and I may be lonely. I see those I love most suffering because of this decision, and I am left feeling selfish, guilty and all-around rotten.
Life after divorce — 11 things you can do now to move on
In short: I wanted the divorce — so why do I feel so sad?
“Remember that just because one feels guilt, doesn’t mean they are guilty,” says Michelle Pargman, a Jacksonville, Fla., licensed mental health counselor.
“Guilt is energy that can be used to further explore what one can do differently in the future. Grief is helpful to identify as a byproduct of divorce — whether the loss comes from the relationship itself, or the lost expectation of what was the original vision for the marriage. Once we acknowledge these feelings, we can address them — whether through individual counseling, group support, or identifying mentors, religious/spiritual leaders, or friends.”
I have heard many similar stories, all of which resonate on some level. I am glad I am not married to my ex, even if he is a good guy. Lots and lots of reasons, including some mentioned above by my emailer. But there are times when we are getting along, when we are chatting like old friends at the kids’ T-ball game, the kids are exhausted from schlepping back and forth between our apartments, I remember all his good qualities and all the benefits of marriage, and I think:
Can’t we just be adults and make it work? Can’t we just agree not to fight any more? Be in one home, be practical, get over this trite, adolescent notion of forever soulful romantic love, have no expectations your husband will fulfill you and just be realistic already – FOR THE KIDS’ SAKE?
Then he will blame me for my kid tripping in the hallway of my apartment and getting a bloody boo-boo on his head, or cancel a visit with the kids last-minute because he wants to see a concert and all those cozy notions are thrown out the window quicker than a Las Vegas divorce.
Maybe it means I’m selfish. Maybe it means I can’t control my anger. Maybe it means I am an indulgent adolescent artist, but I don’t want to be married to my ex-husband, so I am not married to my ex-husband. We were great together in many ways, but we also bring out the worst in one another — something that neither of us are committed to overcoming. Also: I just don’t want to be married to him.
Also, also: That is OK.
All these feelings are totally normal, even if they are conflicting. Sit with them all, and feel them all. They are all part of the grieving and healing and celebrating process that is a breakup or divorce.
Going through a divorce now? What to ask for in negotiations, so you land on your feet
“I regret divorcing a good man.”
Sometimes, women regret divorcing a good guy. I know of one couple who split up because she felt like he cared too much about his career, and she was lonely. He was a good guy, her life was fine, but she wanted more. She fell in love with her gay fitness instructor (who, needless to say, did not return her sentiments), ended the marriage and when her ex went on to marry a much younger woman, have two babies and grow his restaurant business into a venture netting in the hundred-million-dollar range, she regretted her decision.
You likely will not, but just get on with it. Find the value in your experience, forge a new journey and land in a new and different — possibly better — place.
Why do we feel sad or guilty about divorce?
You may feel sad, guilty, or ashamed about getting a divorce because one or all of these:
- You loved him, and now you don't and you are grieving that loss.
- You hurt him and you feel guilty about that. He's a good guy!
- You upset your entire family, hurt your kids and upended your life. That is a lot of responsibility for one person to take on.
- You are worried your kids will hate you for the rest of your life.
- You took a risk and are worried that you will regret it later.
- You already regret your decision to divorce.
- Everything in your life is changing and that is always hard.
- Your original plan, your dream of how your life would look and what you thought you wanted didn't work out, and you are working on letting that go.
1. You feel you are breaking your commitment
You ended a relationship that you committed to (broke your commitment), and the reasons are likely your own happiness.
2. You may listen to society’s pressures or standards
Women are taught that our highest calling is to sacrifice for family and children. In other words, we are taught early on that our happiness is frivolous and selfish.
We are told from all sides that children in single-mom homes suffer and are being punished for their parents’ inability to keep an unhappy marriage together. Mothers always take the blame for this nonsense.
Wives are instructed to be the glue in a marriage — a straying husband, or unhappy husband, or frayed marriage is pegged on her letting herself go / not being attentive enough / being a bitch and nag / not good enough.
Even if on an unconscious level, you take on the sexist shaming of moms’ sexuality. Any desire you may have to date, find romance, get laid, test the dating waters, poke around on a dating site — or be public with a man you are deeply in love with (and maybe cheated on with) — is met with a bountiful dose of society’s madonna-whore complex when it comes to mothers: We are told that good mothers are virgins, and our children will shrivel in horror should they be subject to their mothers’ expression of womanhood.
3. You are dealing with grief
You are legit grieving a relationship that once brought you great joy and comfort.
You are also legit grieving a relationship / dream / family that you very much wanted, that was part of a dream and a plan and an assumption about what your life would be — and no longer is.
Again, all of this is normal. Work through your rotten feelings, and understand where they come from.
While I am here to tell you that it takes two people to make a relationship work, and both parties have a responsibility for a relationship not working out, there can be some overt actions society tells us are wrong that place the responsibility on one spouse, such as:
- Battling an addiction
- Physical or emotional abuse
- Managing finances poorly — including racking up debt, overspending, and inability to keep a job / refusal to work
- Lack of sex
- Simply wanting to leave to live your own life
If you are feeling guilty for wanting a divorce
If you feel guilty for leaving a marriage, and you are really beating yourself up, here are a few things to consider:
- Be honest: Is your husband really working on this relationship? Or has he passively given up, too.
- Is he happy? Be honest.
- Do you worry that if you leave, he will hurt himself, or otherwise be miserable? (Co-dependent alert!).
- Do all your friends and family think this marriage is really bad for you and urge you to leave? Listen to them. We are often our own worst judges.
See where I am going here? I get that you feel bad, but our society has established it as women’s jobs to keep our men happy, fed, laid and our marriages intact.
In reality, you are a woman with needs and desires and since we can now earn our own money, vote, and own land in our own damn names, marriages mainly serve as a source of emotional and sexual fulfillment. Once that is gone, there isn’t a whole lot of reason to stay.
Where to find the best, affordable life insurance for single moms (no medical exam) in 2023
How divorce guilt holds moms back
Where feelings of guilt related to your divorce get messy, is when you hold yourself back in implicit and explicit ways. You stay stuck. Here are common ways women’s divorce guilt keep them stuck.
Divorce guilt can make divorce more expensive and painful
If you are just starting out on your divorce journey, regret or guilt can manifest in all kinds of toxic ways that make the divorce process that much more painful for all parties involved — including hiring litigious attorneys, playing dirty and costing everyone money and heartache. (Read: Our guide for how to prepare for divorce)
If this touches a nerve, take a deep breath. Ask your higher power for grace, kindness, and forgiveness — of him, and yourself. Seek out the lowest-conflict divorce you can. This might mean working with a mediator or filing yourself for divorce online.
Divorce guilt can hurt your co-parenting relationship
No matter how you feel about your ex, or your marriage, or the end of that relationship, if you have kids together, here are the facts:
He will be in your life forever. The sooner you figure out how to co-parent amicably, the better. Read these rules for successful co-parenting — no matter how toxic your ex.
You may find that he is a better dad post-divorce, and now that you don’t fight with him any more, and have the kids half the time, you are a better mom.
You might like him again (it has happened).
Read our review of OurFamilyWizard, one of the first co-parenting apps
Divorce guilt keeps you from dating and finding love (and fun!)
PSA: Moms are women. Women are sexual, mature adults who need companionship, sex, and romance. Maybe you simply are not ready to date yet, and that is ok.
But are you not dating because of guilt? Do you feel like you don’t deserve to be in love?
Do you feel weird to have a sex life with someone who is not your kids’ dad?
Do your friends and family lay on the guilt about taking time away from the kids to date? Or worse — do they pressure you to hurry up and get married again while you are still young — and create a “real” family again for the sake of the kids?
Maybe you are dating, or even have a partner — but hide this part of yourself from your kids, shrouding that whole, very important part of yourself in shame — which I promise you: your kids pick up on this whether you think they do or not.
Here is what you should do:
- Poke around an online dating site, like eHarmony. I’m also a fan of matchmaking services, especially for busy moms.
- Get laid. Post-divorce sex is often mind-blowing. Trust me: good sex is not hard to find.
- Therapy can help. Learn about all the top online therapy sites, which can be more affordable and convenient than regular therapy.
- Hang out with the right people. Maybe spend time with the funny gay guys at the gym, or join my closed Facebook group Millionaire Single Moms, where single mothers chat openly, while also supporting moms struggling through guilt and shame.
- Make some new mom friends. Single motherhood takes a freaking village, and having a group of friends to support you and make you laugh can make the hard days a little less hard. We reviewed a bunch of friendship apps to help you make connections in your area.
Divorce guilt means you hold on to a house you can’t afford
I see moms holding on to properties they can’t afford in the name of:
- Shielding their children from the stress of moving house (fact: research finds that financial stress / poverty is the #1 biggest risk factor in divorce)
- Maintaining a lifestyle she believes she is entitled to / the couple sought while married (fact: you’re not married to him! You need a new dream now!)
My advice in 95% of these situations: Take that money and run!
If you can’t easily afford the house, you have no business being in it. You also owe it to yourself to move forward to a new, hopefully more fulfilling life. New scenery is in order. This article will help you decide whether to keep the house, or sell.
Divorce guilt means you hold on to keepsakes you don’t use
My general rule: If you are not using it, it does not bring you joy, or otherwise serves as a dark reminder of unhappy times — get rid of it. And no: Your kids do not want your engagement ring. It represents a failed marriage, and likely heartache for them. They don’t want that shit!
What do you do with this extra, guilt-free cash? Invest in making your life better!
- Invest any proceeds in a new home — one that is efficient, easy to care for, frees you up to build and enjoy other parts of your life.
- Invest in your retirement
- Invest in a new career or side gig. Read: Top-paying careers for moms
Or pay off debt.
How to cope and get over divorce guilt
Here are ways to get over your divorce guilt:
- Consider therapy with a company like BetterHelp.
- Focus on your own self-care.
- Hang out with people who get it, get you, and see happiness in you when you don’t have the courage to see it yourself. Again: Millionaire Single Moms on Facebook.
- Decide that tomorrow you will wake up, the guilt will be less than the day before, and that it may take a long time for it to be 100% gone. That’s cool.
- Find success stories about other thriving single moms. I have a bunch in my book, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin).
- Pay attention to how you identify yourself. You know those women who have been divorced for 30 years, and in the first 2 minutes of meeting someone new they unload that their husband left them for another woman / abused her / was living a double life / etc.? Don’t be that woman. She has one identity: A victim of divorce. You are not her. You are an adult with full control of who you are and your happiness. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise: YOUR HAPPINESS IS CRITICAL.
The best revenge is living your best life — and sometimes you need to take revenge on yourself.
What I mean is this: Today you feel all kinds of shame and guilt for wanting to leave your relationship. Fast-forward to next year and your life is incredible: You are in shape, feel great, dating a great guy (or dating a lot of guys), thriving in your career, your finances are shaping up and your kids are doing AMAZING.
I don’t understand all the bitter comments from men in this post. I understand two people make a commitment when they marry, but nothing in this life can stay the same forever, marriage is just a contract. Why in the world would they want a woman to stay with them out of pity to not break the “commitment”, when they no longer share that spark, I just don’t get it. They would rather be miserable than single, getting crumbs of love from their partners.
I do not regret my divorce at all. I have been so much happier and such a better mom since not having to literally force myself to have sex with someone I didn’t have feelings for, it’s the most degrading act for the soul.
If these men really loved their ex wives, let them go and wish them well, you also deserve better, not crumbs or pity.
I would hate for a husband to stay with me for that reason I don’t see why it would be different for men. I have been broken up with multiple times before and never in my life did I think of begging someone so stay with me, life is just as good alone.
Nicely written. Thank you for taking the time to dump your brain. My brain appreciates it.
haha man of I had a nickle. anyways.
the reason why you wanted to divorce and the reason why almost all women want to divorce is because they transition from codependent to independent.. when you first got together you found a man who took care of you, who did everything for you. and probably gave you everything. you got bored of being watered by someone else.
now that you are finally moving on and growing on your own, you have stepped into a world that you have never experienced independently.
and let’s be real you probably haven’t had alot of sex partners in your time, you are horny and you now realize”wow if I missed out on this independent thing, what else did I miss out on” .
it’s not your fault for wanting to leave your perfect husband. it’s societies fault for leading you on the path of marriage in the first place.
That’s very untrue. I’ve been independent financially and physically for many years and I’m divorcing after 18. So…
My ex did the same thing to me. Two young kids, no family support anywhere nearby, two very busy demanding jobs with long hours. The hard years and raising a young family as part of a life together. Then she meet some guy in the gym and burns our lives to the ground.
I was devastated. How could somebody that I loved, and trusted my life with, cast me aside like you would a used tissue. Fast forward to years I’ve had therapy and counseling and I’m nearing the end of the grief process. I’ve met a new woman, And we enjoy spending time together. And we have a healthy and active erotic life together.
But I will never forgive my ex, for the pain that she caused my children. And how they’re young little minds will have to deal with something that they don’t really understand. She had us harmed us all emotionally and financially.
Complete and utter reckless, selfish, egocentric, narcissistic behavior. And she would be the first one to cheer for the crap that’s written in this article.
If she’s be the first one to cheer for what’s written in this article, then it sounds like leaving was a good decision for her.
Wow! I thought I was reading about my life! Impressive, thank you!
Not married ever but have been in 2 ( what I consider) long term serious relationships, not considering 1st child’s father that was not serious (Lack of awareness, young, unhealthy in all scopes) so not considering that one, And not guilty for the 2 breakups thereafter. 1st was 4 years and we were not on same page at all. He was a wealthy businessman and my busy go go lifestyle and my sons severe disabilities made me consider the jump to full time stance as a single mother, also I had 0 support from childs father since birth to now. So that was a no brainer to give my all to my child who has never knows any other support than myself and my family.
2nd is current daughter’s father and no regret for separation due to his diet and again lack of awareness as a father putting her 1st financially. Lines were too blurred. Now that we are separated (and I’m caring for my father who’s ill) he can provide financially without any “relations” in the way. It’s better for their relationship to have me be the one in charge of all time spent and costs of her living standard. She has genetic abnormalities yet is on a genuis level so her care is full time and requires numerous appointments and special diet and lifestyle. Day to day care cannot be met by the normal standard. Even bathing and naps require lengthy routine. She needs 100% attention all day and cannot be away from me as she still latches at 2 1/2 years old due to a comfort PANS/PANDAS. My son is 18 & has ADD/ADHD/ODD/NOS mood disorder, PANS/PANDAS TICS and a disabled hand along with numerous cognitive downfalls, and needs me to make financial decisions and help him with things as simple as writing and reading still. So I have to have all my energy in my 2 kids who have disabilities not in a clouded draining relationship that doesn’t meet my standards. 0 time for any ounce of selfishness from others and need full attention to my kids whom both depend on me immensely for their every need.
and this is why i never want to be married and /or trust woman,
“I am growing a digital business I am passionate about, while he is 100% content in his middle-management corporate job with good benefits.”
just freaking wow smh women can never be satisfied , I hope that guy is having the time of his life right now because she really did him a favor.
I am so surprised the woman at the beginning of this article was able to divorce him so quickly. I have been married 20 years to a nice guy that I do not love. At year 10 I knew I didn’t love him for the same reasons she described. I didn’t realize until year 15 divorce was an option. Now it has taken me the last 5 years trying to get up the courage to destroy my whole life, his life, and my kids life just to tell him I want divorce so I can be happy.
You will not be happy. There is nothing out here for you.
Divorce will not solve a single problem. It only compounds them.
I regret leaving him daily. I have a new boyfriend, but he is nothing like my husband. His eldest son is violent, and his youngest son is developmentally delayed, and has to sleep in the bed with us nightly, or he screams all night. . It is not the same. Meanwhile, He has moved on, and has a new wife. She’s cute and sweet (she’s also white) and I feel guilty that I hate her for it but I do. I know she thinks I’m horrible. His ex wife passed away two years ago, so we have full custody, which I was not counting on. I guess I deserve it, somewhat.
I thought I could recapture my 20s. It was like I was under a spell. When I woke up, I realized that not only was I not going to be able to recapture my college days, those days were not as wonderful as I described them in my head. Whrn my depression returned, it was like I remembered all those times I was lonely and depressed, despite being the “it girl.” My friends go on and on about finding a “good black man,” and it hurts me so much, because I had one and threw him away.
Ny current husband sits around playing video games with his children. He has a good job, but spoils his children and very little is left for me. Selfish I know. It still hurts though. I had the perfect man to grow old with, and I ended things.
I’m a strong woman of amazing talent and drive, but that doesn’t fully take away my regrets.
I am a woman and I don’t get it either. That’s outright selfishness. Nobody forced you to marry him in the first place. If you can’t love him wholeheartedly, or can’t love him for who he is, then DONT say yes! Marriage is a lifetime commitment. That guy did nth wrong and definitely deserves better!
What a sad tale. Just another example of a self serving person, with an horrific sense of entitlement and no sense of personal accountability.
Stop projecting, you get what you deserve. You wonder why men are stepping away from dating and relationships as a whole. Bravo.
My advice: divorce him! He’s CLEARLY too good for you. You are a stupid narcissistic woman who don’t deserve happiness!
OMG…you have NO IDEA how much you have just helped me. Was with my husband over 20 years, married 13, unhappy the last 5. Been separated a year and I’ve beat myself up every, single day. We separated because I met someone that made me feel like a queen, and he found out. I mean I cried at home, cried at work, all the time. The guilt and remorse was indescribable. I am just starting to feel better. But THIS…this gave me permission to smile!! Thankyou!!!
Emma, you’re an idiot.
I have been thinking about getting a divorce and decided to read this article. I am married to someone who prioritizes his computer and drugs over his family and honestly I have had enough. I made a goal to divorce him this year because I only have one life and I would rather be single for the rest of it, than to deal with what I deal with daily. Unlike other people on here I do not expect to find Mr. Perfect or am leaving him to look for someone who fulfills all my needs. I have came to terms that when I leave him I will not want to live with another man. My daughters are my number one priority and I want to become the best version of myself for them. I’m already on my journey to become the best version of myself but I can’t become my best version, being with someone who can’t even put his family first. You take a half committed wife and a half committed husband you will have half committed children. I don’t want this, we need to be on the same page to grow together and provide the environment for our daughters to succeed. If someone is not in love with someone anymore then why even stay with them. I would hate for someone to be with me and he doesn’t love me anymore, what’s the point. If you are leaving a good guy/girl that is your loss and if you come to regret it that’s on you. That isn’t for anyone to pass judgment on, worry about yourself. It takes courage to get out of a marriage, I’m married to someone who anyone with a right mind would divorce, and here I am still married to him. I am gathering more and more courage everyday to finally take the leap of faith and divorce him. Live your life as if you have lived and died once already and you have another chance to live the life you always wanted to live.
Please, if you are a woman (or man for that matter), think long and hard before heading down this crazy hedonistic road that this author is suggesting. She has made her decisions. You don’t have to follow in her footsteps just because you can. You may have genuine reasons to leave your marriage, an unfaithful or abusive spouse, or a serious breakdown of the relationship that is becoming toxic. But if your spouse is a good person, a loving parent, loyal and loving to you, just what more do you really want? Ask yourself seriously, what real benefit will I have by leaving and way up against the pain you will cause to those you love for doing it. Yes, you may feel unfulfilled in some way, but then so might your spouse. Are you doing all you can for them? Have you considered counselling? Have you tried other ways to give your marriage a lift? This article is so defeatist. This author’s marriage didn’t work out. That’s on her. She’s now dressing it up as some sort of path to enlightenment and freedom, but is it? really? what will you have to show in a few years time if it doesn’t wok out? Some failed relationships with guys that wouldn’t commit because you were a divorced mother? Ask your self that.
Really ? She should just suffer in silence and be unhappy for the rest of her life? You only get one life, it should be your best. Also, it ‘s good she was honest. She could have lied to him the rest of his life. Would you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you? Now he can be with the right person and she can be with the right person.
It doesn’t work like that. What you think will happen will not.
Rob C your comment is spot on.the self love movement has taken things to an extreme imo. it’s pretty sad to break up on a family on a whim – she ( & other men/women in such scenarios) need to realise that no relationship or marriage is always exciting or fulfilling. marriage is commitment – simple.the decision to make it work for the greater good. here’s hoping i end up with a man who shares my view.
My former husband is a wonderful person. We had a comfortable life together. There was and still is a lot of love there.
He also decided that sex was not important and was satifsifed with a celibate marriage, so for the last 8 years of my marriage I too existed in a celibate marriage. Problem was, sex was important to me an d I was not satisfied living like brother and sister.
Yes, I tried talking with him about it. Yes, I suggested counseling multiple times. He did not feel we needed help, because he was fine with things the way they were.
Neither of us wanted an open marriage, and cheating on him was not an acceptable option for me. So I left.
It sucked. I woke up in tears every morning for a full year. It’s better now, but it’s still not what I wanted for my life and not what I planned for when I made that commitment of marriage.
But unless you too would be ready/willing/able to live involuntarily celibate for the rest of your life or become very proficient at managing covert adultery in order to stay married to an otherwise lovely person,
STFU. Please, just keep your piehole closed about how selfish, narcissistic, and horrible people are for choosing to prioritize their own wellbeing over continuing to pour energy and resources into a relationship that is not working, with a partner who is not willing to do their share to try to fix it.
Love isn’t enough. Comfort and stability aren’t enough. I wish it had been, but it wasn’t – not for me, and I’ll wager it wouldn’t have been for you either.
My husband of 4 1/2 years started threatening to end the relationship pretty early on. For whatever reason, he feels like conflict = the end of a relationship. After a few threats, we eventually went to counseling and it would help, at least for a little while. Ultimately, when things would heat up again, he was threatening to leave, one time even storming downstairs in a fit of rage to tell our children (my two and his one). I told him to leave. Find an apartment and move out ASAP…he asked for my forgiveness, which I extended and we gave it another shot. It was always this cycle of he threatens to leave, I tell him to do it, he apologizes and gets real close. Rinse & repeat. This last time, well, let’s just say the timing didn’t work out for him. It was 5 nights before my bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction, my sister is fighting breast cancer and my uncle was just diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer…I was feeling more stress than I ever remember. We didn’t have much of a connection and we laid in bed, I grabbed his hand and said, “I really want to be close with you,” as a tear rolled down my cheek. He said, “I’ll get you through this surgery, but after that, we’re over.” I filed for the divorce the next day and it has since been finalized. I bought him out of the house and he is still looking for a place for him and his daughter to move. Essentially, I just took him up on his offer and yet I STILL FEEL GUILTY AND UNSURE. And this is just a tiny little piece…I have been a full-time stepmom to his daughter because her mother died when she was three and the co-parenting conflicts are nonstop. Anyway…I’m trying to set up some therapy to work through these feelings. I love him so much and I don’t know why, because I do not like him, for the most part. Our values are so different and there is so much resentment. I didn’t need him financially, actually my financial situation will improve without having to help him out. He wasn’t a huge help at home, but boy if he did one little thing and didn’t get boatloads of praise, well…prepare for the cold shoulder. As anyone can see, I need to get this off my chest.
Hi, given his petty and unstable behaviour, your filing for divorce sounds totally justified. He showed a complete lack of empathy to say that to you in the run up to your operation. What? He couldn’t wait a few weeks to let you down gently? What a manchild.
Unlike the tenet of this article which seems to place personal whim above those old fashioned values of loyalty to a good husband (or wife, because there are plenty of men who act in the same selfish way) and duty to your children. You know, the values that underpin any great relationship and provide a stable loving environment for children.
If you choose to marry and have children, it is supposed to be a commitment that will inevitably need to be worked on from time to time to make it work. If you can’t make that commitment then don’t get married. But once done, it shows poor personal character if you can’t show the maturity and self discipline to see it through. And this obsession with finding oneself prevailing in the modern female narrative is so disingenuous. If you want to behave like Don Draper off Mad Men, then just say so, stop making out like its some personal development or growth to explore yourself when in fact what you really want is just to explore other men’s bodies. Be honest with yourself and us and just say it for what it is. Its fine for women to want to explore their sexuality, just don’t make out its anything more than acting like men have for generations, and have been rightly chastised for, its hypocritical.
Selfishness and narcissistic personality disorder is so prevalent in todays women. It’s no wonder why MGTOW is the newest and most viable future for men. Why would a young man commit to a woman who tomorrow -on a whim- “feels” she no longer loves her husband or she isn’t emotionally or sexually amused anymore. Feminism has ruined the family structure. In the last decade 80% of divorces are initiated by women who guilt free destroy the marriage (and kids lives) in their pitiful selfishness. What’s worst is there are sites like this that provide cheap .20 cent guilt washes … but KARMA is a bitch.
I am so saddened by all the people bashing women that want better in their lives. It shows that the author is right. Women are told they are supposed to just suck it up and stay with a person, that for one reason or another, they don’t want to be married to. Yet a man, that has a good wife, who gets divorced on a whim is cheered on. If a good man has abandoned a vital duty in his marriage (and yes, SEX IS A VITAL DUTY) then he should expect a divorce at some point. All you men saying women just want a divorce to explore other men’s bodies should be ashamed. You are projecting your own inadequacies. You are saying women should be ashamed for wanting a basic function of marriage to be fulfilling. They ones saying older women are just “less marketable” are even more vile. No one wants an “old cow”? Heinous woman bashing in these comments. I bet all you guys making these comments think of yourselves as good guys. I’m so happy “toxic feminism” took place because it means I can own my own property and become a happy dog lady (allergic to cats) without anything like the “good guys” seen in these comments in my life. I will be happy when my divorce is finally done. My husband thinks he’s a good guy too. He’s really a narcissist jerk that wants to be married to a doormat of a woman like before feminism happened. He also rants about that on a semi frequent basis.
Well I’m a guy who’s initiated two divorces and felt guilty. My reasons were 1) they were a financial disaster (spent every penny I tried to save) 2) they were absolute slobs 3) they gained 100 lbs (I work hard to stay attractive and healthy) 4) one had an abortion so she could buy a new Honda (no joke) 5) one was infertile and insisted on never giving up ($24K wasted on that) 5) couldn’t hold down a job (after we got married, of course – interesting how that works).
But this article was just… sad. They women simply just wanted to explore other men, just because. Well that’s a personal choice I guess. But what irks me is the way these women word this to avoid admitting that they’re just not capable of monogamy and likely only married for some imagined security and children they could extract from a man they obviously weren’t ever attracted to. And that’s why they felt guilty. They used the guy. I felt guilty because I felt like I was punishing my ex wives for being legitimately dysfunctional. They knew they were screwing up and couldn’t change. And I didn’t have the tolerance to love them at their worst, a commitment we’re supposed to consider seriously before marrying someone.
If a woman can so easily lose passion in a marriage….what motivation is there for any man to commit to marriage ? The more I read the article, the more it saddens me. The idea that at any point in time, the woman you chose to marry could suddenly have a midlife crisis and decide to leave because she is bored.
Why are we encouraging this as a society ? Whatever happened to commitment ?
So what you are saying is you ruined multiple peoples lives and your own financial situation because you didn’t feel the tingles in your panse, You are a selfish and horrible person. And you will die alone if you don’t cling to another man before your looks fall apart and your money runs out. Good Luck, Future Cat Lady. Feminism is Cancer.
I used to argue with a male friend and assuring him hypergamy was not real. And then I run into articles like this…
It’s so hard to find stories like this so it makes it extra meaningful when I do. I’m married to a nice guy, we have tried to work on things that were making me unhappy but at the end of the day I just don’t want to be married anymore and I feel so guilty for that. Somehow it’s been drummed into me somewhere along the way that unless he beats me, cheats, gambles etc. i’m supposed to just be happy and make it work.
If we’re allowed to change careers within our lifetime, why can’t we change our relationships?
‘….. If we’re allowed to change careers within our lifetime, why can’t we change our relationships?…”
Try changing to a new career when you sunk 20 years into training for something else. Pretty stupid to sink your best years into a relationship and then starting over when your older and less marketable.
Basic fact is women get less attractive as they age, while they can still get sex pretty easy no one is gonna want an old cow when milk is cheep and plentiful ….
Yeah this was bad. Makes think of the “where have all the good men gone”
What? Too nice? I hope karma bites you in the back
This should be required reading for every man before his wedding day.