Mention the fatherless epidemic in the United States, and the arguments are polarizing. We hear things like “Father refuses to see child” or “Father not involved in child’s life.” These issues can be especially thorny during the holidays.
It’s easy to fall into stereotypes about deadbeat or indifferent dads, but I discovered the issue is quite complicated:
Father not involved in child’s life? A look into why fathers walk away after divorce
It is either:
- Men are irresponsible douchebags who abandon their children to mothers, who are left to raise the children with few resources, or …
- Women are conniving, malicious, entitled nut-jobs who alienate fathers from their children while taking all said fathers' money — all of which is supported by the family court system.
However, as we unpack in this article, the real reasons are more complicated, complex and human. Men after all, are marginalized as inferior or at least secondary parents, a fact that is codified in family court when mothers are nearly always granted primary time with children — a power position that means men and dads are officially a lesser parent.
Read: My advice to moms and dads whose other parent is not involved
Why do fathers give up?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children, for reasons including:
- Sexist culture that does not value or support dads, or prime boys to grow up to expect to be involved, meaningful parts of their children's lives
- Family and divorce courts that favor mothers=
- Parental alienation, in which one parent turns the kids against the other parent
- One dad's compelling story about why he doesn't see his kids (keep reading)
- Many dads don't believe the child is theirs or were tricked into fatherhood, or otherwise felt they did not decide to father the child.
853 reader comments and counting on this post tell a story about how prevelant fatherlessness is, how passionate people feel about its reasons and results — and how varied and nuanced those reasons can be.
Looking for your kid's dad, but not sure where to start?
Background check tools like TruthFinder can be free or affordable ways to find people you have lost touch with — or never knew.
TruthFinder has a free trial and A+ BBB rating.
How can a father walk out on his child?
After studying this issue for the four years I've had this blog, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced. Men walk out on their child for many reasons, including:
- They never wanted to be a dad in the first place but were trapped
- They have been marginalized by our culture and court system to every-other-weekend parents, which is more painful than walking away and starting a new life that promises more joy
- Conflict with the child’s mother is too difficult to navigate
- They feel unworthy of parenthood, and feel like walking away is the best thing for the child
- The father never had a strong father figure, does not feel competent as a dad nor understand how important his role is.
Not sure where your child's father is — or you are looking for your dad? TruthFinder offers background checks, reverse phone lookup, address and phone number search. A+ rating on the BBB.
A father's experience with parental alienation
What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
These stories resonate with me, as they have challenged my earlier, blind admonishments that every parent has a moral obligation to fight for their children, no matter what.
I still believe this, but I also believe in empathy, and for recognizing each other's humanity.
Here is one story from a reader, John G:
Point of view from a dad who doesn't see his child
From my own experiences, I believe it's widespread for women to use children as a weapon to exact revenge against the ex during, and after, divorce proceedings.
During my lengthy divorce, my ex-wife claimed I was abusive, that she was ‘afraid for her safety,’ and tried to get ‘supervised visitation.’
None of it worked, because it wasn’t true, and because, as an educated professional I had enough money to spend six figures on an attorney.
However, it was still a waste of time and money. Even after the divorce, the games continued.
My son was being tutored on what to say to me (did you ever hear a 7-year-old respond ‘I’m not comfortable talking about that’ when asked a question?) and being instructed to call me by my first name and not ‘dad.’ I grew tired of making phone calls that weren’t answered, or of being put on hold and the child not coming to the phone, and of canceled visits.
It was heartbreaking seeing the child slip away from me, little by little.
I went to court on several occasions. There is the assumption that the man will just sit there and take the abuse because he does not want to lose the child.
She stuck by the letter of the law, and was able to severely limit my contact with my son by way of orders of protection and maintaining to the courts that he was a ‘danger.’
Related: This is the real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids
Orders of protection as divorce strategy
Of the divorced, professional men that I know, all of them had orders of protection against them by their wives.
This is even a problem that is recognized by the courts. Some attorneys go so far as to admit that the ‘afraid for my safety’ issue is part of the ‘gamesmanship of divorce.’ I went from the mindset of being a father to the child, to being reduced to the status of a ‘visiting uncle’ or a ‘Disneyland dad’ allied with thinking all the time like an attorney.
I was often worried what would happen if she started to make untrue claims that I had (for example) abused the child. When he fell over and scraped his arm when he was with me, I was advised by my attorney to go to all the trouble of going to the doctor, having the scrape bandaged and so on, just to legally cover myself in case she would claim that it had in fact been intentionally caused.
While on the lookout for anything that could be used against me, all the while constantly being told I was a bad person, a bad father, and all my involvement with my son was systematically stripped away. The whole process became a painful sham.
Where to find the best, affordable life insurance for single moms (no medical exam) in 2023
Father refuses to see his child? Not quite …
I eventually reached a crossroads with four paths. Some men commit suicide because they can’t handle the anguish. Others resort to violence and anger against the ex-wife. Others take the difficult road, and sacrifice years of their happiness, battling on a hopeless battle with the ex, just to maintain some sort of contact with the kids. The fourth way, is to simply give up, and decide that the cost to the child through seeing the conflict, and to oneself, is too high.
I considered all the above paths for a long time and was tempted by more than a few of them. In the end, I walked away from all contact with my child more than two years ago.
What to do when the non-custodial parent doesn't show up or cancels last minute
Mother keeping child away from father
After I had calmed down, I tried again and contacted the ex. I had hoped she would have calmed down and would be willing to work with me.
But no, she is still the same bitter and vengeful baggage that she always was. Rather than attempting to discuss things and put things on the right track, she is willing to communicate in writing only.
She refuses point blank to let me contact the child. Everything has to go through her.
Some people will say it would be the noblest thing to carry on fighting regardless. ‘I would do anything for my kids!’ they spout.
Frankly, I feel that’s very naive and is almost always a view propagated by women.
Any father here who has been generously granted a weekend every two weeks knows the feeling when you say goodbye.
You’re just getting used to having them around, and they are gone. It’s like having a wound that never heals. Like a band-aid being ripped off over and over. The pain never really went away.
During those days, I used to recall these lines from Shakespeare's King John:
Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;
Logically, I have to balance the damage to myself, my life and mental health, the possibility of the conflict damaging the child, against the damage done by my absence.
People who don’t know the situation raise their hands in horror, or pass judgment, assume that this is a choice that is taken lightly and easily. It is not.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. Sometimes I see children in shops that look like my child and find it hard not to break down.
Sometimes I can’t take my eyes away. Even the shoes are the same. I don’t like to watch movies with children of that age in them.
I had to remove all the photographs that I had of my child and every other item and put them in a box. And that’s where all those emotions are now.
In a box, held tightly under control, so that I can try and enjoy some semblance of a normal life. It usually works.
I spoke to my ex recently. She claims that the child is just fine. She doesn’t seem to think that I’m needed and believes that my seeing the child is a bad thing.
She told me that the gifts I had been sending postally were in a box and he never got them. What is the point of trying? Who am I to argue?
She lives with the kid and does the real parenting. All that I could do, once a month or less (she lives a long way from me) would be to visit for a shallow shared visit, a museum trip perhaps – that’s not parenting – that’s just being a Disneyland dad.
I am in despair that many people and the courts expect the impossible. They expect the man to be totally interested, committed, involved with his child’s life – and yet – they make it impossible for that involvement to happen.
How can you remain interested and involved when you are given no information about the child’s everyday life, when even the most basic contact is made difficult or impossible, when you are limited to four days a month contact time if you are lucky?
In far too many cases, the father is merely viewed as a source of income.
The mother is viewed as the ‘real parent’ who almost always gets physical custody of the child. And once she has the child, she is then almost entirely free of the threat of any consequences.
Related: What is parental alienation?
Impact on a child’s life when a father isn’t involved
This is a great shame for the children involved who will probably be involved in divorces of their own or be afraid of marriage because they have seen the consequences when they fail.
I shouldn’t be surprised if more and more men eschew marriage and traditional family values over the next century.
Personally, I refuse to be blackmailed by my better instincts. I refuse to be reduced to the level of a Disneyland dad by some judge, attorney, social worker or indeed his mother.
I refuse to beg for access, or beg for photographs, or ask permission when I can please take him on vacation.
No. They will have no more of me.
One day, I will be able to get in touch without going through her once the child is old enough. Until then, I intend to get on with my life.
Please listen to Terry Brennan, co-founder of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, explain why default every-other-weekend visitation leads to absentee fathers:
Note that in cases where ‘standard’ visitation is awarded — every-other-weekend — fathers become depressed and non-involved, and within 3 years, one study found, 40 percent of children in an unequal visitation arrangement had lost complete touch with their non-custodial parents, which are nearly always the father.
Have a listen:
Bottom line: Father not involved in child’s life? Try to make co-parenting work.
If you are tempted to turn your child against the other parent, or not sure what is the best kind of parenting time arrangement, keep it simple, and equal. In fact, there are now more than 60 studies that prove that equally shared parenting is best for children (and, moms and dads!).
While we're at it, have a read about why a simple, fair 50-50 shared parenting time with no child support is the best, fairest, and most feminist arrangement.
To prevent this kind of trauma, here are some tips to how to make co-parenting work:
- Accept that mothers and fathers are equal. This is a gender equality issue
- Accept that just because the other person doesn't parent like you do, that is not abuse.
- Let him fail, succeed and find his own parenting style. Many dads become better fathers after divorce because they have to.
- When communicating with him, use ‘your house' and ‘my house' … not ‘Home.' Same when you address the kids – “daddy's house” and “my house.” Both places are their homes..
- Keep him posted on matters large and small. Even if he doesn't show up for the teacher meetings, or make the doctors’ appointments, keep him abreast of what is happening with the kids.
- Buy him holiday and birthday presents on behalf of the kids.
But the bigger challenge is to change our culture, from one in which it is presumed that fathers are incompetent, and mothers are the default primary parent. Terry Brennan of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, and an equality activist. Listen to our podcast conversation:
For more on co-parenting communication, and reasons for better shared parenting, read: Co-parenting rules–even with a difficult ex
What do you think? Are you a dad who no longer sees his kids? Why? Please share in the comments …
Or, are you the mother of a child with an absentee father? What is your response?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children.
After studying this issue for years, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced, and there is plenty of legitimate room for both of these points of view. What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
To all of those who thinks that this article is BS and this is something outlandish. In many cases this is true. I was in EXACTLY THE SAME SITUATION. I was accused by my ex of being abusive to her and children (excuse to get a house,) and my court appointed attorney tried to push me to take a plea (I did not, because had plenty of proof that she is lying). I was a victim where my ex had affairs while I was working. I was accused of sexually molesting my children (Proven that it is not true and case was closed by child protective services). Kids were trained to call me by my first name and the ex-convict that my ex married call dad, daddy, father. I was accused to kids that I did not pay for the house and don’t pay child support (Not true again and caught up with her in court). Kids were told that I am “just a biological father and the real father is the man who wakes you up in the morning and cooks for you”… And etc and etc and etc.
To make a long story short and to bring some hope to those fathers that are still fighting and want to be in children’s lives….
Outcome of my case:
1. Received sole custody to retrieve children from a different state (Had to hire a private detective to locate my children)
2. Kids now live with me with total 8 weeks vacation with their mother.
3. $2,500.00 in child support out of $3,000.00 per month earned, no longer taken by my lazy ex and her new ex-con husband and money now goes for my children.
4. 1 year living with me and my kids, even when they are angry still call me Dad.
Side Note:
1. Ex still receives phone calls from kids every single day (I want to stop it emotionally, however will not be stopped because it is not about me, but about the children) They still miss their mother and I just hope they will realize later and appreciate my efforts to be in their lives and my efforts to make them better and compassionate human beings.
2. Ex does not want to pay child support and cancel or schedules something just to deplete me and kids financially. Side effect of getting married to the wrong woman and a boost to my self appreciation that I did not degrade to her level. She can do whatever she wants now and the more ways she will try to get under my skin the more ammo I will have against her in case she will try to get kids away from me again.
ALL MEN. If you are discouraged and depressed, and rightfully so. Have a HOPE and keep on fighting for your rights. You and your kids will be rewarded in a long run. You are needed. Kids don’t understand what they are saying and confused. Help your kids by fighting those women that should NOT BE EVEN have an honorable title of mother.
Whoever is writing this sounds like an entitled, coercive domestic abuser. Are you paying child support while being so high and mighty?
If you had a protection order against you there’s a reason. A permanent one is NOT easy to get, that’s one of many lies in here, along with several obvious points of verbal and emotional abuse towards your ex while you play victim.
Which is probably why she only wants to respond to in writing which is a SMART AND FAIR thing to do if you’ve been verbally abusive to her as you have in this writing.
You pass along a lot of myths and half truths here that are easily swept aside by studies and documentation. For example, it is not true that children do best with both parents if one has been abusive. The truth is that witnessing emotional and physical abuse is permanently damaging to a child’s psyche and can change not only a child’s emotional safety and sense of self but their biochemistry.
What’s also true is that a man who wants to be a father is awarded joint or sole custody 70% of the time even when he’s committed domestic violence. So what’s your excuse? Something fishy here… if you deserved custody you would have gotten it.
The fact that you didn’t is very telling and it sounds like your ex is being a righteous protective mama bear not “baggage” and I pity her for having had to deal with you.
I’m sure your son will be better off with a healthy, not entitled step father.
Entitlement like yours, where you’ve made ALL of this about YOU, is the number one sign of an abuser. That you think you refuse to be cowed by the courts and that’s somehow a better value than being a good man for your son only demonstrates that further: it’s all about power and control with you.
The number two and three signs of an abuser.
That’s what you’re really after. You want things your way and if you don’t get your way you walk away.
Don’t have more kids. Please
disgusted by abusers on April 17, 2019 at 10:30 pm
You’re an idiot. My story is very similar. I have never raised a finger, been abusive, been in trouble with the law or anything ‘fishy’. All I want is to be a father. My relationship with my daughter is hanging by a thread. After her indoctrination by her mother. Mind games and relentless fabrication of her wish to denigrate and desparage me at EVERY given opportunity. Looking for angles and spin to blacken my name. All I do is give love and affection to my daughter. I get not much back. Distant, no reply to calls and messages. Oh the occasional request for materialistic things, which I simply will not do give in to. If I dont buy her the latest iphone. I’m cruel, I’m a miser, I don’t care. I buy my daughter an iphone, I’m buying her affection, trying to win her over. So there you have it you cretinus individual. walk a mile in his shoes you prat,
the author sounds like my ex. No excuse for walking away. She was probably upset you weren’t prioritizing her and your son in the first place instead of you spending your free time at the bar. This wreaks of entitlement and no acceptance of responsibility .. what a speciall snowflake you are putting yourself above your son… accusing your ex of baggage after I am sure you
caused it. Lol men want to be treated and respected as men…. act with some respect in the first place at least towards your child. Funny you found a way of validating walking away from YOUR CHILD but what if your ex was too walk away… what then… there’s no excuse. Shameful
Melissa, I think you are judging this man. I am married to a divorce man with an adult child and a minor who has autism. All that I can say, is that some women take advantage of their privileges the court gives to them. Some women abuse the fathers economically and emotionally just because they can. My husband has been abused by his ex wife and she takes every opportunity to come out with bills that dont make sense. She is getting 3,100 for child support, medical insurance, life insurance, plus 2,700 from SSI and that is not enough for her. I work full time and I don’t even make that money. My husband took the decision to stop seeing his autistic son because he doesn’t speak, he doesn’t interact with anyone and just keeps hitting himself when the mother forces him to come to visit dad. This is child abuse because he likes his routine and doesn’t want to be with us. His ex wife doesn’t care that he keeps screaming and hitting himself, she just wants to have free time for her. She can get a baby sitter with the money she has but she doesn’t want to spend the money in that. Enough is enough. You have to take in consideration each case and don’t judge this man. Don’t think that women are right all the time. They’re humans and as humans, they abuse people too.
Please. Too many examples prove otherwise. Meth head moms who dont let the father see their kid for years…it always backfires. Now he has custody, finally, after 14 years. Im so happy for him. He paid child support for years, but didnt keep receipts (dumb). She got a lawyer and he was forced to pay it all back again, taken out of his check every week. She spent it on drugs. Im sure youd love to twist it to make him the bad guy, because you are full of hate. But you’d be wrong. Abuse comes from mothers far more often than fathers.
My mother in law is controlling my wife and encouraged my wife to leave me even her dad my mother in law also said that my son is her only hope my wife wont live with me and took my son to her house no phone calls not messages I can’t even see my son the more i think pf him i feel sad but i am relieved somehow that he can grow in a peaceful environment without witnessing his parents fighting. A man can’t express his sadness and pain but he drowns in it. I still feel the sharp pain in my chest when I think of my son and all the things i missed as a father, it also hurts to realize that the women i married is not with me when i needed her the most even though i tried talking to her and know what is that she wants she never opened up to me she even called cops on me for no reason and made false claim of violence when i never laid a hand on her or talked to her in a improper manner or abusive way. I am in a dark place i feel so lonely because the most important person my wife and kid are not with me no matter how hard i try or give time i am just alone. People should understand that life is short and we should embrace it live it with love. Hopefully one day people like my wife will understand. I left the rest on god.
Did you even READ his article??? I am the mother of a man who was never abusive in any way to his former wife….yet, she kicks him out of his own home and does it in an EMAIL!! He was left without a toothbrush. She then proceeded to post on social media what a victim she has been. I Iived with them for 4 out of their 6 years and never saw him be abusive, we don’t go for that kind of thing. Eventually she was confronted about all the lies by their mutual friends who knew what kind of father and husband he was. She has since had to create a whole new circle of acquaintance because she has lied on him so much. He has his kids EVERY weekend and 1 night during the week, because she wants her “free time”….I don’t want to hear anymore assumptions about divorced dads, The mom’s have all the power.
Thank you for speaking the truth. Nothing worse than being lumped in with truly abusive men, just because you are a divorced man. I was cheated on multiple times, treated with total and complete lack of respect as a human heing. I was kind, loyal, patient and a loving father. My character was drug through the mud. Abusive and cheater. Lies spread about me on social media. Flying monkeys everywhere. The things people didnt know is that my daughters spent 7 straight days with me, when she left for her lover. In the 9 months of seperation before the divorce, i was the mother and father. I was the one meeting with teachers, principals, coaching sports teams pretty much doing 90% of the parenting. It wasnt until our divorce was final (extortion, blackmail, victim status) that she had time for the girls and her secret lover because well its too hard to be a cheater and a good parent. She made her choice. Then came the exploitation of our young daughters and her new lover all over social media, the day after the divorce. It was completely selfish, immature and a sign of somone with severe mental issues. But society gets off on it and encouraged it, by fake comments and fake likes. For a yr and a half i had our daughters every thursday-Sunday. I paid 900 a month in child support. Its very difficult to reason with the illogical and unreasonable. Her problems lay much deeper inside of her and she truly is somone who needs alot of help. My relationship has been strained with my daughters. They fear her, without her even having to say a word, especially when it comes to me and I get it. I was a grown up and she did it to me. There is no words she wont use to literally tear you apart in the worse possible way. The lies, the fake love. Its very disturbing to say the least. I see my daughters now 2 days a week. So i just keep it simple, love them as much as i can. But ultimately they have been indoctrinated to believe that she is the ultimate voice. Her new husband is conformant and probably is responsible for the kids the majority of the time. He and his family have been duped, unfortunately he will learn the hardway. People like this dont change. Im remarried now, have 2 boys. Some of the things my current wife has heard about me is mind blowing. Thank God she is a free thinker and an overall great person. Its easy to see if you want to. But my ex is pretty much everything she always claimed to hate and everything she has accused me of.
I am sorry but your attitude is one of the reasons why great dads are given such a hard time and it is sad that you are not alone in your thoughts. I have been in exactly the same situation (minus the protection orders etc) and I can absolutely tell you, that in my case, I am a professional and earn a lot of money, have a house, 2 cars, a great family life, pets and the stereotypically great family things. My sons mother has no job, relies on welfare, spends any money I give her on tattoos, sleeps on the lounge in a 1 bed apartment which she cannot pay for and she was given primary care rights.. Crazy right?
I fought in court for 6 years ongoing, $500,000 and continuing and I have been accused of things you would be shocked at, with absolutely no proof. She just cries in court and says I dont pay, I left her etc etc etc yet I have all of the proof I need to prove her wrong in every aspect. BUT she still maintains control over my son and primary care. I have been harassed, run over by her family members in a car, targetted, sworn at and called all kinds of things in public, they turn up to court and just laugh at me.
This is very real and unfortunately, becoming more and more common.
Please try to think better of people if and when you know all of the facts. “Sounding” like something in written form is really difficult to interpret. I really wish you could see it from another perspective here. Good luck and hope you can have some patience as things arent always as simple.
OMG you just made me burst into tears! In a good way. The article had me feeling horrible, thinking that my daughters Father probably will say this EXACT thing about ME. Everything in the article is our current situation except that he’s in jail and never had an attorney, But I had to resort to everything in writing, getting a protective order, dealing with emotional and verbal abuse in front of our baby etc. But reading the article I empathized a bit and started to feel like maybe I’ve been too hard on him until I got to your wonderful response. You just validated EVERYTHING I have been feeling for the last year and a half of my daughters life.
I get that there are parents, both men AND women, who play the system, lie and try to manipulate their kids for personal gain or revenge but I have NOT been that way at all yet the outcome is the same and my daughters father would like write this EXACT article leaving out all of the facts and reasons behind my REACTIONS to his behavior.
So anyway, thank you for your response to this
Angy much? Sounds like you need to work on your own shoulder chip than scold people on the internet.
Some people are in the military, like me, I deploy and am gone. There’s nothing “fishy” about what I do. I’ve taken orders to be closer to my child, as soon as I did that, mom decided to move 12 hours away. Court wears you down mentally and financially. Because I’m always gone for work, I will never be awarded any semblance of custody. Just trying to talk via FaceTime to my child is a hassle. Mom constantly says my daughter is busy and won’t let me see her for days.
You can tell me that I could get out of the military, but I’m 10 years away from a full retirement. You can tell me it’s my choice and it is. But if I had gotten out where would that leave me? Jobless, no insurance, retirement gone, and id still be fighting for scraps while my daughter slips further away.
I’m still trying, but it is a daunting task. Everyone has a limit and for this individual he found his. Your judgement is annoying and inconsiderate.
I agree.
Men, quit the drama. There are REASONS why your kids mom dislike you. There are reactions to your actions. So to prevent YOUR hurt. You rather abandon your child? That’s what I hear. Unless the kid is old enough to say no in court. You are still entitled to spend time with them and any reasonable judge will okay a check in call twice a week to be mandatory. If your kid is over 12 and chose to not see you. You fu*ked up and he resents you for it.
Most people think that what was done in the relationship is between the parents but no. You hurt that child when you hurt their mom or vice versa. Unless the kid is under 3 he/she WILL remember. Also there are studies that show toddlers know and pick up the vibes.
Most mothers are okay with the dad being in the picture. The only ones I’ve known to not be are the ones who suffered domestic violence or some kind of psychological abuse. But it you’re a ‘good dad’ then there are no reason for the kid to dislike you even if the mom badmouths you BECAUSE they never seen you be mean or heard you be mean ans you show them kindness. BUT if they have heard or seen you be mean to their mom THEY will make their opinion on you. But even then. Don”t stop contact. Regardless of how ‘they will grow up and understand’
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL if as a child one of your parents stopped looking for you. calling you. visiting you. What’s worse How does your abandonment help them? You dont think they feel forgotten? You dont think it hurts their feelings that other kids have their dad to play ball with or see dads at their games or even practices. STOP the BS and accept you are playing the victim card.
If you live far. Move nearby. Just because standard court docs say 4x’s a month doesn’t mean a mom wont accept your help in between. Have you ever even offered to help on Wednesdays or ask if they will let you take your kid out to ‘McDonalds’ after school or how about saying I want to do homework with them. Also schools let you visit your kids. All i’m saying cut the BS. you men did something shady to your ex’s.
Brenda . Seriously . Groan. Obviously you have been tossed aside by a man and are bitter and resentful. There are jerk men. There are also very decent men who are sadly kept away from their children by sad woman like you.
You’re dead on. A protection order is extremely hard to get granted by a judge without THREE incidents. There’s definitely information missing here.
Reading this in awe. I do respect so much those men who fight for their kids no matter what. I am on the side of a future mother now, 6 months pregnant, and had to leave the father of this kid behind in another country, because he tried to make me abort and said things like: nothing will stop me from fighting,I will not be a father now. Long story, will not share here. But! I never wanted to be a woman who becomes a single mom, or wants to keep the father out. But I am turning into that now. Its nobody’s wish for a child to grow up in single-parent family, or for him/her to witness all the problems his/her parents face, but it happens. I just wish we all would remain humans. I wish all those dads to be able to rejoin with their kids when those are grown. For me..I am not much for financial support from him, I just always wanted him to be a part of that kid’s life, but now I am not sure..as he did everything he could for me to lose this child, not seeing that I could only make this one decision, which is keeping this kid. Well, not that he wanted to become a part of my boys life. All those dads, good luck! I believe you will get your parenthood even though after some years. I wish as well for those women to realise the harm they are doing to their own kids.
Every man that considers marriage OR fatherhood should read stories like these. People are incredibly naive and think it won’t happen to them. Many become parents by accident. Men: right now before it’s too late have a vasectomy!
I hear over and over, she wouldn’t do it to me, or if she did I’d do this, or do that. She wouldn’t stop me, I would blah blah blah…
I bitterly spew my story, from besotted father, always playing with them and enjoying a great relationship with them. To now nothing more than a vague memory to my baby, and the target of poisonous brainwashing in the eyes of my eldest.
There is an answer for the dads hurting (as I am constantly). When you read these stories, you see stress, pain, anxiety, strain on their current relationships, countless days thinking at 3 am when you have to get up for work, so much pain that you cannot watch a movie that has divorce or court cases, the burden you carry on your shoulders every damn day of your life, the coworkers and friends having to hear your “story” again and again with you just hoping for some healing. and lets not forget the countless tears. Of which I am fighting back right now as I think about my own “life situation” I assure you, There can be peace. The pain will never subside, nor will the tears, but you can get on with your life in peace rather than torture.
In order to do so, we must stop resisting what is. Yes it is hard. But not as hard as what you are putting yourself through.
Let it be. Look at what you have done as a father. We always look at the glass half full. “My son doesn’t talk to me”, “I just want to teach him how to grow up as a good man”, “This is unfair”, Millions of kids wish they had a father and mine disown me, (etc). And you are correct. But we never look at all that we did do for our children and continue to do financially if we are not there in person.
What I am about to say is so hard to do, but you will find PEACE. You will still cry. You will still hurt. But you will have a quiet space inside, you will no longer be constantly tormented by thought.
And that is; Accept this moment. (Yea right) I heard that. And yes it takes a while to sink in. Accept that right now, this moment your son(s)/daughter(s) do not want anything to do with you. Accept that you fought as hard as you could. Accept that your children have made a decision that you believe is wrong, That is crushing you, killing you, tearing you up inside. You are a FATHER. It is your job to teach your child the ways of life until adulthood right? How can you do that when your child refuses to talk to you?
Accept that for you, (right now) it isn’t going to happen. “When you resist you persist” which means the more you resist what is, the more you will be in pain.
Just as you are correct that there are millions of kids who cry because they want their dads in their life, so there are millions of dads who cry because they want their children in their life. What makes us hurting fathers so special that we should not feel pain? In other life situations it might be: Why did I get cancer? Why is it me that lost my house? Why did I have to marry such a ……. Or, for some other fathers; Why did my child have to die? Step out of your life situation and look. WE are not alone. WE are not the only people feeling pain on this earth.
What I am suggesting you try is this: 1) ACCEPT your situation. Say to yourself. Yes, my son/daughter does not want me in their life and that is what it is. I do not like it, but that is, what is. 2) Know that you are not alone in your pain. Say to yourself, I know this is a common occurrence and I am not alone. 3) When the voices in your head start complaining, and say, “God, why doesn’t my son want anything to do with me? I just wanted to be the best dad”…. Take a breath. step back and say, this is out of my control and I accept what is. Hard? Yes. but it will stop the tormenting you are putting yourself through.
If you think you can control your life, you will be in constant pain. We have no control. Your son/daughter has made a decision. A decision that hurts you, but it is their decision, not yours. It Is Their Decision, Not Yours! Accept their decision. Keep the door open if you can get that message to them. Perhaps they will come back. But that future day will not help you now. Accept what is. Accept the pain. Accept the “failure” you feel, Accept that your ex is doing everything she can to punish you. (And they can be damn good at it). Accept that you still have a life. Accept that it is not fair to your new wife/family to burden them with your pain. And the hardest step if you can even reach it; is to accept your child’s decision as if you wanted that decision and made that decision yourself. Then and only then will you find peace.
I have been a police officer for 28 years. I have dealt with broken families for my whole career. I personally lost my 15 year old son who chooses to live with his mom. I have lost my custody battle in the courts. I have a 13 year old that is slowly choosing to do less and less with me ie: fishing, kayaking, practicing hitting, snow skiing…. but chooses to still come to my home everyday after school, (I bought a house a mile away and went for 50/50 custody when I got back on my feet).
I live for every moment with my 13-year old because tomorrow he may be gone. I hurt. I cry…often, but I am at peace. I did not ask for this life situation but I have been dealt it. And I accept it.
I hope this helps you, dad. I hope you can find peace too. Two suggestions. Get on you tube and listen to Echart Tolle and Mooji. I even bought a subscription to you tube where I download the videos and listen to them going and coming from work.
One last thing. Cry. Do not hold it in. Yes we are men and men do cry. You are not human if you do not cry. Losing your child in death is the same as what we are going though. However, we do have a glimmer of hope that our child will come back someday. And if so, it will be our birthday. The best day EVER! Until then Accept the pain. Stop fighting it. Stop complaining. Start living again.
Your words are healing, I pray for you and so many who suffer in silence. Your a good man! I believe they will come to you when they are ready. Just don’t give up and make sure to take care of yourself while you wait for that day to come as it often does :)
I’m a mother who lost custody, and yes kids can get distant, especially as they age. lol Yes, I laughed, but I also cry sometimes. But, I also accept it as reality – besides being too poor to fight the stupid courts forever (which is what they want, ie. all your money). And yes, the kids do come around eventually, at least they are in my case. For me, my daughter finally had enough of her father and has been with me for 3 years now, boy was she stubborn when it came to visitation, ugh.. but she did it to the father when I had custody (so it’s not personal – she’s just lazy). I even offered to give her $100 to go see him, and she accepted!, but I didn’t give it to her, I just insisted she go randomly at least. My son has 2 more years of captivity and he’s free, he also really likes his friends and school vs where I live the school is pretty crappy and he’s not interested in homeschooling, he has weighed his odds and will stick it out his last two years with the man who neglected/neglects and abused us all. Best wishes to you. Good things come to good people, it’s true. :)
I did stop all contact with the father as he was always combative, and my oldest son (who hates him), lovingly does the drop off and pick ups for me, until my daughter moved in, now she does it for my youngest and last in captivity.
It’s war.
p.s. It doesn’t just happen to men……
I have a 5 year old son. I ended my relationship with his mother when he was one years old. We never married. I married another woman when my son was 3 and I now have a 1 year old daughter with my wife. Needless to say, I made the decision to withdraw from my son’s life for two reasons:
1. The multiple false child abuse allegations.
2. The cost of four years of litigation, over $70,000 which never seemed to end, or restrain his mother’s behavior.
In his lifetime, my son has been interviewed four times by CPS and two times by law enforcement— all before he graduated Kindergarten. All allegations were ruled out. However, after a while, the cost to your family becomes too great. These costs includes litigation costs, stress from CPS investigations, stress from criminal investigations, threats to your business and community reputation, threats to your livelihood, strain on childcare finances, stress on your marriage, and of course the continued subliminal programming of your child to believe that he needs protection from his father.
I used to be a father that thought that I would do anything for my child. But, that’s foolish naïveté. After 4 years of drama, you learn better. Bankrupting yourself financially and emotionally to fight for time with a child whose other parent will continue to go to extremes year after year to undermine you, no matter how good a parent you are, and no matter what court orders are in place, is a poor choice. It imperils your ability to care for everyone that depends on you, including the child you share.
So, you walk away, keep paying the child support check, and pray for a better day when your child is an adult. It’s like a death in the family. But, it’s for the best.
When one parent is bent on breaking a child’s bond with another parent, early intervention is best. In my case, both an Amicus and Psychologist recommended that my child be with me and my wife as primary conservators. But, if those intervention efforts fail, either due to the law, shrewd lawyering, or just bad luck — the malicious parent can succeed if they have the will to break your relationship with your child, the financial means to move baseless allegations through civil court, and most importantly the love and TRUST of your shared child.
So, before irreparable damage is done to both you and your child, you walk away … and walk away by faith.
Easy to say when it’s not you.
Uh not true on the police escort. Did you read the article?
When I showed up to get my kid, we knew she was there but the police wouldnt go in and get her even though I filed a report and had the order. They said it would be traumatic for the child (makes sense) and told me to get relief from the court. Well that means thousands in lawyers time off motels, months without seeing her, and then they just award make-up visitation, judge will do nothing but mildly chide mom and when she inevitably does this again it’s up to you and your family to raid the retirement again, spend all of your annual leave to spend a week in court over 3-4 court dates to resume visitation which she will likely make miserable for all parties anyway. Rinse and repeat ad-nauseam . All of this to be at most a visitor to your kid who is largely alienated to you at this point as the family who she spends all her time with likely dishonors your relationship with her. But judge as you wish. Some men come to a crossroads as stated in the article above where they decide it’s best for all involved to move on. Easy to throw stones at others and condemn. As for me I could care less what anyone thinks. Being self- assured knowing you did all you could has to be enough to comfortably walk this road
My son came to live with me when he and his girlfriend separated. ( never married thank god). They have a daughter together and she has a son from another relationship. The horrors began immediately. This young woman, much damaged by a harsh childhood, took it upon herself to become well versed in the court system. She seems to have an endless appetite to persecute my son. It would literally take many pages to document how much time and money has been spent defending not only my son, but my entire family. I went through my life’s savings, and have health issues as a result of the extreme stress .
Today I bailed my son out iof jail for alleged sexual child abuse, An untrue accusation which has already cost us 25k dollars and will follow him for the rest of his life even with the charges dropped. My granddaughter who is now seven, has been uprooted from her school and moved at the whim of her mother five tines.She has been told that her father and grandmother are drug addicts and alcoholics. Accusations we have had to defend in court multiple times. The 50/50 custody arrangement has been disrupted multiple times when the ex files for protective custody,Not a single charge is true are true, but the court grants them anyway. This results in my son and his daughter being separated for many months at a time. Once as long as a year while things languished in court.
With this latest allegation and subsequent seperation from his daughter my son has thrown in the towel, Hes just done. He has not had a moments peace in seven years. He knows people will hate him for it, but he wants to walk away from his daughter just so he will never have to deal with her mother again. He is on the brink of suicude if you ask me. His resources are completely used up, owing more money than a mortgage for legal fees. He knows it will never end. He hopes his daughter will want to find him when she gets older.
If I had not been a witness to the years of abuse he has endured, I’m sure Id be very judgmental about his feelings. Instead, I GET IT. People cannot, and should not point fingers, until they walk in those shoes.
I cried as I read this and I relate to every bit of this. We are not even divorced yet and I’m trying to correct everything that went wrong. Unfortunately I don’t see a way out of the pickle I’m in and the anguish of missing my son is just too terrible to sustain any longer. I think I can give at most 3 more months before I give in
I keep going by thinking of this: there will be a point beyond 3 months from now where your son will need you. It may be 18 years from now, but he will need you. It won’t be easy for you and is inhumane, but there will be a time when he will wish you didn’t give in.
Good Morning Emma,
I stumbled across your blog while searching for info for my now middle son, who is 17, with help to keep him in high school.(which he HATES). And I just had to comment. Even though I am sure it will be lengthy, and most will not make it through to the end, lol.
I am a single mom of 3. I am also permanently disabled.
my story with my ex is long. but I will try to recap some of the info since its important. otherwise the full story wont make sense.
I use to be a flight attendant. So for many years I traveled. And my ex, who has OCD, quite severely I might add, stayed at home with our children. (now 23, 17 and 14…boy, boy, girl.)
our oldest suffers from several mental challenges. Asperger’s, schizo-affect disorder, Severe anxiety disorder, and a few other things. Many of these my ex does not feel he has. That they are all in his head.
Fast forward to 17 years ago. 2 discs ruptured in my back and paralyzed me from my left hip down. I am now a full time stay at home mom. unable to work. no income. and NO break from a man with severe OCD. this took its toll and we divorced 5 years later.
I left him, but asked for minimal in the divorce. I only left because I couldn’t live with him any longer. there wasn’t anyone else or anything like that. But he was also verbally and emotionally abusive to the kids. Mostly the oldest since the other 2 were still a little young.
He owns his own business. and one thing I never knew about this was that they cannot garnish someones income if you are the boss. And it seems that even if you were set up in the divorce decree to pay for health care, that after 4 months, if you stopped, and saved $400 a month? that you don’t need to pay anything additional towards supporting your children, yet the other spouse..(me), who is 200% below poverty level, covers the health care. (thank God for state insurance.) unfortunately though my oldest has never to this day received the care he should have.
Throughout our entire time after the divorce, I have seen women come in and out of his life. He take spur of the moment flights with them after knowing them only 1 date! to las vegas to gamble, buy new cars, new watches, and yes, purchase new clothing or toys, or other age appropriate things on occasion for the kids when they were with him. But always was quick to tell me, or the mediator,(which was all I could afford), that his business was strained, he had to pay less, he couldn’t increase the support…etc. Every time we went.
all the while,I was forced moved his now teenage children to an 1106 sq. ft. 3 bedroom apartment…monthly visits to the food banks. our diets consisting of hot dogs, mac and cheese. Top ramen, While he pushes me to work. Which I cant.
This is only the tip of the iceberg. Since I could go on and on about the exwives he would lie to about things he said I did, or how he would tell them I wouldn’t let him see the children(never, NEVER did this happen!!) I have tried to take him to court. He has even ignored the subpoenas.
something my mom always says sticks with me about this. “actions speak louder than words”. He rarely calls to ask about the kids except for if he sees a grade has slipped below a “C”, and why is that? and what the hell are you doing about it? he also knows so little about what goes on in their lives that a few years back when my oldest son graduated? we were at a party together, and someone asked him what the name of our sons high school was? he didn’t know! (btw, we live about 10 miles apart.)
i’m not a man hater, I know there are good men out there. I have met them. I even know my ex has problems from his childhood, that he’s also a narcissist. I dated a man who is a wonderful father. Takes care of his children the RIGHT WAY. If his ex couldn’t afford something for them, he never once questioned it. if it was a reasonable request? clothing? school? it was a done deal. The child should not suffer because the parent harbors ill will toward the other parent.
I learned my lesson with this. I made the mistake and tried to be nice because I left. I felt that even though I had valid reason for leaving, and even though I needed to take care of myself, I wasn’t going to be someone who took him for everything he had. I just didn’t feel good about that.
Unfortunately over the years, he has tried to take everything. He has made our lives as difficult as possible, even when he didn’t need to. And to be quite honest? I’m not sure if he even knows hes doing it.
But that’s not the most unfortunate part. He is starting to find out that with all the things he is saying and doing, and has said and done. That even though I rarely say anything to them about his character. They are making their own decisions on their own. And he isn’t going to like the conclusions they are drawing I’m afraid.
I hope other fathers out there, who think what they are doing is not affecting their children? will stop and think before they act. Because that child will turn into an adult, and make their own decisions one day. And will look back and reflect on what has been done. Who they can trust, who they wish to spend time with, and who is worth their time. Because if they are not important enough for you to invest in them now? why should they invest in you later?
Having gone through a very similar situation to the ones described here, i share the same grief and disenchantment with life after being abused by s mentally deranged ex and an even more sick organization that does not do the job they claim to do. If we only had a reset button to go back and stsrt over.
For those who have went through this, remember when you were young and thought how your life would be? It is a sad realization when our dreams have been derailed by someone we would have once died for. As it turns out, they see to it that we still do while the court employees stand back and profit. They simply say what it takes to play their game of “get the money.” Its hard to believe we have to accept the sick joke we call family court. And people wonder whats wrong with this country. I’d say its obviously turning on itself over its obsession with the almighty dollar. The aftermath leaves disfunctionsl people destined to repeat and the sick cycle continues while the young only think their dreams of a family will come true. Makes one wonder…
I am also a dad who was alienated from his 2 children in the early part of this century After the games of he doesn’t want to see you ,he’ s not here, and presents not being received . I could see that my efforts were futile. We did the Court Thing wasting over $100,000 and each time the court dates approached the pressures on my son was increased to the point of being stressed out. my daughter ran from my ex,s house to her Aunt s Who although well intentioned played exactly the same game.(THIS WAS ALL DURING THE TIME OF COURT BATTLES)
There is a long story there but suffice it to say i decided to take the road less traveled.
So for many years i had absolutely no contact – i continues to send cards and presents but never received any replies.
Fast forward to present –shortly after child support stopped ( SURPRIZE) . I now have a Relationship with both my kids.
But both still exhibit the scars of that past.
Parental alienation happened to me with my middle daughter. I am a mother and this article was my life for over 10 years. PAS is not gender- based. There are links to borderline personality disorders in alienating parents. I consider myself a survivor simply because I am alive and not bankrupt. if you are Canadian, join CEPC (Canaduan Equal Parenting Council) and fight with us to pass a reform bill for the Divirce Act. Presumptive equal parenting in court is the first legal step to stop and identify alienating parents.
As a mother and one that also grew up without a father and did not rekindle a relationship until my late 20’s this is just bs. My father made excuses as to why he would not show up to pick me up on many occasions or tried to place blame on my mother. But here is the thing a man or woman who is dedicated to wanting to be apart of their child life will go to the ends of the earth to be there for their child in every way possible. As a mother involved with a absentee father for my child everything stated that supposedly women do to alienate the child etc was actually done to me by the father. I’ve had dcfs falsely called on me, I’ve had the father try to brainwash our child into not wanting to stay with me and causing her behavioral issues, not to mention the label as the crazy, bitter and heart broken hurt baby mama that is just using the child to get back at the father. Here is the thing be a father a stand up father and not a Johnny come lately one. My child father was granted upon my agreement weekly visitation of our child from Monday mornings to Wednesday afternoon and guess what he will show up consistently for maybe a month then there will be a month or two where he doesn’t show at all then he will pop back up and the cycle continues. The court system is not out to get all fathers and side with the mother. In fact I’ve seen judges shut the mother down, put her in her place and side with fathers. The judge is there for the best interest of the child. Another issue that arises is that men automatically associate child support with a scorned child mother. It’s a business relationship. Both parties should be responsible for providing for the child and both parents should be active in physically raising the child. Stop making excuses for being absent fathers because if you go to court and are ordered visitation and that mother does not want to relinquish the child or tries to play games you’re entitled to a police escort each and every time if needed to go along with you to get your child, the mother can be held in contempt of court and even have her parenting time reduced or an exchange location could be implemented to where both parties meet as for example a police station, supervised visitation center etc. There is no excuse for being an absent parent whether a mother or father period unless your presence causes more harm or detriment than good
Thank you! This ^^^ right here!
Yep. I never thought I would walk away from any child I would have. Then my pregnant girlfriend moved across the country and married her ex when I lost my job, and she put his name on my daughter’s birth certificate when she was born because they were married. I asked a hundred times for them to sign an AOP after she filed a false harassment complaint against me, after a year of him actually harassing both of us. I didn’t have a leg to stand on in the court system, being unemployed and the harassment complaint and them being married. I would send gifts. They refused to sign the AOP and said I could be like an Uncle and that if I didn’t accept that then I’d be a deadbeat loser who would have to live with the guilt of walking away. I realized this game would never end and that I’d only lose if I actually became legally required to pay child support and have to deal with the parental alienation tactics she was preparing. So I decided to walk away and let both myself and my daughter have a better life. And I am thankful to this day that I made that decision. My daughter is just fine without me and they have a happy family and I moved on with my life.
The father of my child lives across the state in Chicago, I live in California he flew me back home when I was 3 months pregnant, I just had enough of him cheating and emotional abuse , it’s so sad how one day he was happy about the pregnancy & next day he turned me down & made it seem like I trapped him . Now our baby girl is 10 months old , he didn’t want her to have his Last name , he didn’t come when she was born , he came 1 month later , then 6 months later , then 3 months later , he can only visit every 3-4 months , she dosent know who he is , he doesn’t change her diaper, he’s scared of puke , he says he’s been busy working & he has a life aswell that he can’t come much and he didn’t want to go through court and wanted a Notary paper stating that he will give me money , he only gives me $100 , he makes way more than me because I just found out his now fiancé is stalking me on instagram & he is going to own a house now , so sad my daughter will know her father is putting a last name on someone he left me for when I was living with him . My daughter deserves the world ! Hope someone gives me some advice on what my steps should be .
Dating in the 2020’s.
Well it was once a landscape of open frontiers. Family Courts,Feminism,PoundMetoo,Has brought all those dreams and hopes to a screeching halt.Both men and women are angry in dating now,because they know where they both lie in the dating world. Men being more modernized while women want to live in the fiftys and men still pay for everything. Over the decades I have found that men are the romantic ones, despite what you see in the movies or in media. In today’s dating arena I see no reason for a man to stick around for marriage or a relationship. As far as staying around being a dad, why? Courts rarely enforce court orders on women,but men go to jail or prison. Yes the double standard exists.This could go on and on ,i will just cut it off here.
I agree, Women expect to be courted today despite not being able to have kids,covered in tattoos,obese,with four kids and no future,on the verge of homelessness,depressed,on drugs. There is absolutely no value in being a father in society now with women being able to abscond with the kid anytime they want. The future is ghosting,pump and dump, and smashing and dashing. Thank you females.Courting a woman or dating means he sees a future in you, Notice how few dates are going on now? The market is flooded with worthless women.
Good valuable men don’t want used banged up expired women.Parental alienation has been going on for over 70 years now, we men expect it. It only becomes and issue when it happens to fems,Courts should enforce a default 50/50 parenting.Until laws change men are walking away.Maybe in a few generations after the change you may start seeing some healing between the two genders.
Every story has two sides, or at least that’s what “they” say. Like the dad in this story, I’ve roughly calculated that my divorce and subsequent incidents cost me well over $250,000. I had my children kept from me for several months. One day I got a call from my ex that she was willing to let me come and visit with my children and that on Friday at 8pm (this was well over a decade ago), I could come and pick them up. I took 2 witnesses with me. We arrived at her apartment complex to find her and the man she had been cheating on me with standing in the parking lot just laughing as we pulled in. I got out of the vehicle to find my way blocked by an older gentleman in a suit. The man informed me that he was from the county sheriff’s office and there to serve a restraining order. He read it to me and informed me that it was all heresay and I could get it dismissed, but that the damage was done once he served it. I told him that this was entrapment and he argued that it was not since all he was told by her lawyer was that I would be at this place and time and not for what reason. Several times during this discussion he had to physically move my ex wife back to her building because she kept coming over shouting in my face and laughing at me while screaming things. The sheriff and I talked about how she was acting and I told him that this was normal and at least this time she wasn’t physically hitting me in an attempt to get me to hit her back so she could call the police. So the decision was made at that point to allow the RO to stay in place so that I could avoid her abuse since if she contacted me, she would also be thrown in jail. That was THE most peaceful 3 months of my life.. until the divorce proceeding day. Her lawyer had someone slip the divorce court date in my mailbox at around 11:30pm the night before the court date. I know because I was living with a friend and hadn’t registered my address there with anyone. We’re both smokers and were just outside around 11:15 for a smoke as I couldn’t sleep and he stayed up to talk with me. We went back out at 11:45 to find the letter in the mailbox that wasn’t there before. After court I went to my car and hadn’t even made it to turn on the ignition yet when her lawyer called to inform me that the RO had been lifted. 15 minutes later my ex called me to brag about how much money I was going to be paying her and that I needed to leave her alone.. Yeah. Leave her alone. She wouldn’t call me and say anything. She’d call me once then hang up or just message me that I needed to call her about the kids. As soon as I called her, the berating would start about how much of an asshole I am and how many dicks she was sucking… My entire family begged me to walk away at this point, but I said I just couldn’t. Being a child of divorced parents I didn’t want my kids to live my life. So this was my life for several years. Then I moved out of State to be closer to my family. The first trip out to pick up my kids and back almost landed me in jail.. again. (before cell phones were put in my home town) I arrived at my parents house that my ex had been calling non stop. So I called. She starts screaming right away about where I’m at and who I’m with. I realized right then that she knew exactly where because she has caller ID. So I ask if she’s recording this call and she answers, yes. Then I tell her that I’m with my mother. She says.. oh so that’s out of state, right? Yes. Of course you know it is. So she says the police will be arriving soon because she never gave me permission to leave the state and crossing state lines with children w/o the legal guardians consent is a felony. No problem I told her. I’ll go right now to the local sheriff that’s my cousin. I’ll turn myself in and the children will be waiting there and to hurry because it’s a 15 hour drive so I would feel bad if my kids had to wait in a police station for that long. This sent her into an outrage about how I need to drive them back to her and turn myself in there so she doesn’t have to drive that distance. Are we seeing a trend of narcissim here? My aunt took the phone and talked her down and I got to finish my vacation with my kids. It all stemmed because since it’s a long drive I took my cousin who’s a woman with me and she was jealous. Yes.. the woman I caught sleeping around on me, and who constantly calls me to brag about how many guys she’s sleeping with was jealous that I had a woman in the car with my kids. I lived this life for the next 10 years. Same shit different day. I was on a first name basis with most of the police in both my town and hers by this point and had had enough. I walked away. My kids are all teenagers now and they have phones. They don’t call me though unless they want money. That’s maybe once a year. My ex files her taxes right away each year so I don’t get to claim that benefit like it says in our divorce decree, but that’s fine with me. I told her that’s my money every year for Christmas and birthdays and to leave me alone. I could write a book about the things this woman did to me, and most of my experiences have been retold so many times that my friends or friends of friends about to get married all come to me to discuss my experiences before they jump into serious marriages and or relationships. I could tell you about the time she had me call my family to convince them I was suicidal just so she would let me see my kids that weekend. Or the time she had me meet her with the kids at the bank parking lot and demanded thousands of dollars in order to spend time with them, knowing I only had several days back in her State to spend with them and committed myself to that vacation with my kids.
So, to those that think this is just men crying about paying money, I hope you rot in a Hell. This wasn’t just a divorce and child support for me. This was anguish and torture combined with physical abuse that had me on the verge of suicide many times and would have happened if my close friends and family hadn’t stopped me. And to Emma Johnson, I’m sorry, but this is not my real name and not my real email address, because even nearly 20 years later I have to watch what I put out there on the internet for fear of my ex finding your blog and taking me back to court for some BS which I don’t need in my life anymore. I move around every few years from State to State or job to job just to keep myself as low key as possible in my own sort of seclusion. I don’t keep friends around much because I know I’ll just be moving again soon. I am a damaged human being and I know this. My ex has destroyed me on so many different levels that only another man in my situation could understand. AND the worst part is that my story is not so unique that nobody has heard these things, but the courts continue to do this to me and others like me.
3 years and no contact with my child. Mother is exactly as described by the author. She unfortunately thinks nor cares much about the affects of her negative influences and parental alienation on the long term success of our child. I did what I could with court and realized the best thing for me to do for my child and myself is to let it go. If he wants to genuinely engage at any point I’ll be here if not then that’s fine too. We all live longer as adults than we do as children and a child isn’t property of any parent. As painful and disappointing as it may be to have one’s own child turn their back on a parent, a parent has to accept that a kid will have to grow up and think for themselves some day. Mine checked out at 15 and will soon be graduating from high school. I hope they grow up and mature to be an independent and responsible adult. I’m glad my child is in good health and has the abilities to do whatever he wants. That is the most positive I can look at with regards to a very horrible situation created by years of parental alienation.
Real men know when to walk away and go their own way
Ex wife ex kid same shit
Shoulda thought of that BEFORE submitting divorce papers
Before calling the police for NOTHING
Before moving away
Before obstruction and poisoning
So I surrender you win it’s unconditional like the Japanese and Germans in WW 2
I shall not resist take the money I need it not take the time I have other things to do
Like MLK I will not fight there will be no resistance I will just boycott not take the bus
I’ll walk
Kids got two hands ten fingers and when the time comes they might reach out if they don’t
SO BE IT
Sounds like a selfish excuse to me. Disneyland dad is better than no dad at all. Swallow your pride and man up.
Maybe if you womaned up you wouldn’t have opened your legs for a scoundrel
See those four days a month that you thought you could date those 4 weeks in the summer
You could vacation with the new D …
Let him pay the sitter
Man up? Pride? Seriously? Please
In my case: I just given up on my relationships with my X-wife and son. Because I requested my lawyer to ask for child test, which I agree is very low thoughts of doing it. But I highly disagree to pay child sport if it’s not proven. These medical test are available, why court system can’t use it?
I see then court may run into situation, where mostly children will be property of state.
Any way: I am feeling way better after I let this relationship go. To me I just pay child support and have him less than 4 days a month. It raise a question to me what kind of relationship is this??? I believe I am already paying child support and now child entertainment lol this is funy. Neither when he grown up will listen to me and neither he will be there the day I die. What purpose this relationship is after divorce?
To me it was only giving power to my soon to be x-wife about my emotions, like I couldn’t see my child on my own birthday and she said because the culture I came from don’t celebrate Birthday anyway.
Which given me big PAUSE to take control of my life and emotions. So she won’t drive me anymore crazy and let go this relationship. Some wise person who hasn’t gone through yet may say “that’s exactly what she wanted”.
I just didn’t care if she wins or losses. I cared about myself. Does it matter if she gets what she wanted? I’m not here to revenge I’m here to make life and future and live with peace.
I’m sure you all might be judging, what a DB didn’t charge about child. Trust me same system court who decides they already made sure child is good. Why would I care? These are the folks who don’t believe in system and judge individuals and look down. Court system is there to make sure child is safe, lessons child learns from schools. So what’s the problem like you guys keep your child 24hours along with you.
Now love: some other day
Excellent article! There are many of us but we are disorganized. Once we unite and take on the courts, we will be able to march and take our kids back. We need to calm out the unjust system that exists that allows greed to be the purpose behind robbing us of our kids. We need our Rosa Parks moment as we, and our children, our being denied of our God given right to family!!
This is the trailer of the new documentary, Erasing Family, by my friend activist filmmaker Ginger Gentile, who just presented at SXSW. Please watch, share:
https://youtu.be/_nvrkDBomJA
Emma Johnson, I want to thank you for such an insightful article. I was kind of blown away at this article and not only how well you understood the situation, but in your ability to write out the story and show what happens inside of some fathers who truly love their children but end up fading away. I will say that in what may be the most insightful piece of writing on this issue I have ever read, I veer away from one minor point in the article.
While this is NOT a criticism (because as I said this article is amazing journalism and painted an incredibly realistic and thoughtful picture of a complex issue) you said that it is a parents moral obligation to always fight for their children. I think that moral obligation ends when the father’s only recourse (the court system) does not provide hope that a reasonable outcome can occur and the damages incurred in the fighting hurts others in your life. When someone has done all they can with no relief it is time to accept that things can’t be changed and to let go.
To be clear, I am a single father who relocated across the country to maintain a relationship with my daughter. I drained every emotional and financial resource I had to be in her life continually for years but its not going to end. Its 2019 and I have been in court every year since 2014. For example, for just one of these hearings: I drive six hours round trip to pick up my daughter for court ordered visitation only to be told when I get there she isn’t there.
I have three more round trips for court after I file for contempt. After three months, thousands spent on attorneys, gas, motels, having her served I finally get to see my daughter. When I finally do see her she is coached on what to say, at 7 years old is critical of me (not from a genuine from her heart issue with me but from her mother’s words, she sounds like a parrot (after leveraging everything to be with her, that is disheartening to say the least) The mom withholds mail I send to her, I can’t facetime with my daughter without her mother interfering. And the court patronizes her but does nothing. At some point if a father has remarried he is jeapordizing his new family as fighting with the court drains every resource you and now (they also) have.
As the guy in the article alluded to, there comes a point where I am not going to drain all of my family’s finances and emotional resources in continual pergutory of begging the court to ensure I get unimpeded tablescraps of time. When I do get to pick her up I often get screamed at, berated, its also a hell for my daughter to be going through. She knows I love her at this point.
I have been living on my daughter’s mother’s terms for years now (living in the northeast away from family where my standard of living is poor, walking on pins and needles trying to stay in my daughter’s life, forgoing vacations and normal family life to spend all my money in court.) My relationship is undermined by everyone who spends significant time in her life. Its not a moral imperative anymore to fund the family court system.
There will come a day where I wont have to beg. My daughter is smart and will see things for what they are. I will acknowledge her pain, acknowledge and apologize for my absence, be supportive and loving of her and accept her wishes regarding our relationship whatever they may be. and I will tell her the truth. But I refuse to live in misery under the oppression of her mother and the indifference of the court system. I love my daughter, I do, but I have to balance the damage to me psychologially and financially (as well as the damage to my new wife and son) and the pain caused by my absence. The pain for everyone will be less if I accept my role as a paycheck (over 1k a month base with up to 1500 a month in add ons) and move on with my life. The moral imperative is certainly “up for debate” at some point for many men even though they may love their children so.
Thank you Emma, this article nailed it on so many levels. Thank you
Depriving a child of their fathers love and guidance is no different then denying them water, food and shelter-it’s child abuse. March 16th 2019 is the day I’ve finally had enough and checked out of my two sons lives. The family courts including; attorneys, judges, child psychologists, gaurdian ad litem, CPS representatives-it’s all a sham. Do not engage your ex and play the game. The word court should not even be applied with describing this organization. A court attempts to find balance/solution and not profit for personal gain. In order for family law to exist, it requires high conflict and a winner/loser. Men, more often then not, targeted as incapable and in some instances-a threat to their child’s safety. This in itself is hypocrisy since men of every culture over the history of time have been deemed “provider-protectors” and women “gatherer-nurturers”. If men are such a god damn threat to the life of a child why have they been the primary role in war and protection for millennia? They are the disposable of the two sexes. When one falls another will take his place. If they are the primary income earners in the relationship, then certainly they can financially support raising a child on their own without the courts intervention. Men operate out of a sense of logic, women act out of emotion-who is the more suitable role model to lead and guide? Marriages end in divorce 50% of the time, yet they are initiated by women 75-90% of the time. Lady justice peaked through her blindfold and tipped the scale in favor of women-women know this. 1/6 men get some kind of visitation with the children following the dissolution of their marriage or relationship. We get the title of “noncustodial parent”-an absolute insult in its self. I could rattle off statistics, anecdotal evidence and medical proof all day that men are just as, if not more capable then women to be the primary gaurdian. However-keep it simple. If your ex does not want you to have equal and shared contact-accept this and move on. Save your energy and money and put that towards your child’s future. The fight is futile and the more time and money you spend fighting the more the courts profit and gain. I wasted one year of my life trying to rationalize, plead, beg and even bribe my ex wife to come to terms with doing what was right. She is in violation of multiple divorce decree orders, of which she drafted and proposed. To find her in contempt of this would result in a slap on the wrist. All she sees is money. Remember the image of a donkey following a carrot on a stick being held by its owner? Men are the donkey, the carrot your child and the rider your ex wife. Buck that bitch off your back, live your life and hope someday your children will realize the truth and reach back out to you.
Brother I’m so sorry to hear this, it’s breaking heart for you Tomorrow. I will keep you in my prayers. What state are you in if I might ask?
I’m about to go down this road as I have 4 kids. I have our two oldest boys 11-13 with me since wife left 9 months ago. She has our 2 girls 3-5 and she hasn’t let us visit only if we go to her parents house in TN, I am in IL 530 miles away. I told her we could meet at police station to visit but she won’t do that even. She filed right at 6 months gone so I’ve got 2 lawyers 1 in TN one in I’ll. I hope they will make her move back as her actions in TN if she took off after 30 days I could have filed kidnap charges but here in IL no such law. I’m sorry that you are dealing with it.
Thanks for your post. About the only rational thing I have heard. The people that criticise this (usually woman) don’t know shit. It’s all a scam.
Same scenario, only I’m the mother that was alienated from her children.
Child support issued and jail time for contempt.
I gave up for many years by turning to drugs and alcohol for the pain. Suicide attempts failed.
My children are grown now and I’m beginning to bond with them.
I’ll never get back those early years and will probably never catch up on child support.
However, having a relationship with them now makes me very happy.