Mention the fatherless epidemic in the United States, and the arguments are polarizing. We hear things like “Father refuses to see child” or “Father not involved in child’s life.” These issues can be especially thorny during the holidays.
It’s easy to fall into stereotypes about deadbeat or indifferent dads, but I discovered the issue is quite complicated:
Father not involved in child’s life? A look into why fathers walk away after divorce
It is either:
- Men are irresponsible douchebags who abandon their children to mothers, who are left to raise the children with few resources, or …
- Women are conniving, malicious, entitled nut-jobs who alienate fathers from their children while taking all said fathers' money — all of which is supported by the family court system.
However, as we unpack in this article, the real reasons are more complicated, complex and human. Men after all, are marginalized as inferior or at least secondary parents, a fact that is codified in family court when mothers are nearly always granted primary time with children — a power position that means men and dads are officially a lesser parent.
Read: My advice to moms and dads whose other parent is not involved
Why do fathers give up?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children, for reasons including:
- Sexist culture that does not value or support dads, or prime boys to grow up to expect to be involved, meaningful parts of their children's lives
- Family and divorce courts that favor mothers=
- Parental alienation, in which one parent turns the kids against the other parent
- One dad's compelling story about why he doesn't see his kids (keep reading)
- Many dads don't believe the child is theirs or were tricked into fatherhood, or otherwise felt they did not decide to father the child.
853 reader comments and counting on this post tell a story about how prevelant fatherlessness is, how passionate people feel about its reasons and results — and how varied and nuanced those reasons can be.
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How can a father walk out on his child?
After studying this issue for the four years I've had this blog, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced. Men walk out on their child for many reasons, including:
- They never wanted to be a dad in the first place but were trapped
- They have been marginalized by our culture and court system to every-other-weekend parents, which is more painful than walking away and starting a new life that promises more joy
- Conflict with the child’s mother is too difficult to navigate
- They feel unworthy of parenthood, and feel like walking away is the best thing for the child
- The father never had a strong father figure, does not feel competent as a dad nor understand how important his role is.
Not sure where your child's father is — or you are looking for your dad? TruthFinder offers background checks, reverse phone lookup, address and phone number search. A+ rating on the BBB.
A father's experience with parental alienation
What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
These stories resonate with me, as they have challenged my earlier, blind admonishments that every parent has a moral obligation to fight for their children, no matter what.
I still believe this, but I also believe in empathy, and for recognizing each other's humanity.
Here is one story from a reader, John G:
Point of view from a dad who doesn't see his child
From my own experiences, I believe it's widespread for women to use children as a weapon to exact revenge against the ex during, and after, divorce proceedings.
During my lengthy divorce, my ex-wife claimed I was abusive, that she was ‘afraid for her safety,’ and tried to get ‘supervised visitation.’
None of it worked, because it wasn’t true, and because, as an educated professional I had enough money to spend six figures on an attorney.
However, it was still a waste of time and money. Even after the divorce, the games continued.
My son was being tutored on what to say to me (did you ever hear a 7-year-old respond ‘I’m not comfortable talking about that’ when asked a question?) and being instructed to call me by my first name and not ‘dad.’ I grew tired of making phone calls that weren’t answered, or of being put on hold and the child not coming to the phone, and of canceled visits.
It was heartbreaking seeing the child slip away from me, little by little.
I went to court on several occasions. There is the assumption that the man will just sit there and take the abuse because he does not want to lose the child.
She stuck by the letter of the law, and was able to severely limit my contact with my son by way of orders of protection and maintaining to the courts that he was a ‘danger.’
Related: This is the real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids
Orders of protection as divorce strategy
Of the divorced, professional men that I know, all of them had orders of protection against them by their wives.
This is even a problem that is recognized by the courts. Some attorneys go so far as to admit that the ‘afraid for my safety’ issue is part of the ‘gamesmanship of divorce.’ I went from the mindset of being a father to the child, to being reduced to the status of a ‘visiting uncle’ or a ‘Disneyland dad’ allied with thinking all the time like an attorney.
I was often worried what would happen if she started to make untrue claims that I had (for example) abused the child. When he fell over and scraped his arm when he was with me, I was advised by my attorney to go to all the trouble of going to the doctor, having the scrape bandaged and so on, just to legally cover myself in case she would claim that it had in fact been intentionally caused.
While on the lookout for anything that could be used against me, all the while constantly being told I was a bad person, a bad father, and all my involvement with my son was systematically stripped away. The whole process became a painful sham.
Where to find the best, affordable life insurance for single moms (no medical exam) in 2023
Father refuses to see his child? Not quite …
I eventually reached a crossroads with four paths. Some men commit suicide because they can’t handle the anguish. Others resort to violence and anger against the ex-wife. Others take the difficult road, and sacrifice years of their happiness, battling on a hopeless battle with the ex, just to maintain some sort of contact with the kids. The fourth way, is to simply give up, and decide that the cost to the child through seeing the conflict, and to oneself, is too high.
I considered all the above paths for a long time and was tempted by more than a few of them. In the end, I walked away from all contact with my child more than two years ago.
What to do when the non-custodial parent doesn't show up or cancels last minute
Mother keeping child away from father
After I had calmed down, I tried again and contacted the ex. I had hoped she would have calmed down and would be willing to work with me.
But no, she is still the same bitter and vengeful baggage that she always was. Rather than attempting to discuss things and put things on the right track, she is willing to communicate in writing only.
She refuses point blank to let me contact the child. Everything has to go through her.
Some people will say it would be the noblest thing to carry on fighting regardless. ‘I would do anything for my kids!’ they spout.
Frankly, I feel that’s very naive and is almost always a view propagated by women.
Any father here who has been generously granted a weekend every two weeks knows the feeling when you say goodbye.
You’re just getting used to having them around, and they are gone. It’s like having a wound that never heals. Like a band-aid being ripped off over and over. The pain never really went away.
During those days, I used to recall these lines from Shakespeare's King John:
Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;
Logically, I have to balance the damage to myself, my life and mental health, the possibility of the conflict damaging the child, against the damage done by my absence.
People who don’t know the situation raise their hands in horror, or pass judgment, assume that this is a choice that is taken lightly and easily. It is not.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. Sometimes I see children in shops that look like my child and find it hard not to break down.
Sometimes I can’t take my eyes away. Even the shoes are the same. I don’t like to watch movies with children of that age in them.
I had to remove all the photographs that I had of my child and every other item and put them in a box. And that’s where all those emotions are now.
In a box, held tightly under control, so that I can try and enjoy some semblance of a normal life. It usually works.
I spoke to my ex recently. She claims that the child is just fine. She doesn’t seem to think that I’m needed and believes that my seeing the child is a bad thing.
She told me that the gifts I had been sending postally were in a box and he never got them. What is the point of trying? Who am I to argue?
She lives with the kid and does the real parenting. All that I could do, once a month or less (she lives a long way from me) would be to visit for a shallow shared visit, a museum trip perhaps – that’s not parenting – that’s just being a Disneyland dad.
I am in despair that many people and the courts expect the impossible. They expect the man to be totally interested, committed, involved with his child’s life – and yet – they make it impossible for that involvement to happen.
How can you remain interested and involved when you are given no information about the child’s everyday life, when even the most basic contact is made difficult or impossible, when you are limited to four days a month contact time if you are lucky?
In far too many cases, the father is merely viewed as a source of income.
The mother is viewed as the ‘real parent’ who almost always gets physical custody of the child. And once she has the child, she is then almost entirely free of the threat of any consequences.
Related: What is parental alienation?
Impact on a child’s life when a father isn’t involved
This is a great shame for the children involved who will probably be involved in divorces of their own or be afraid of marriage because they have seen the consequences when they fail.
I shouldn’t be surprised if more and more men eschew marriage and traditional family values over the next century.
Personally, I refuse to be blackmailed by my better instincts. I refuse to be reduced to the level of a Disneyland dad by some judge, attorney, social worker or indeed his mother.
I refuse to beg for access, or beg for photographs, or ask permission when I can please take him on vacation.
No. They will have no more of me.
One day, I will be able to get in touch without going through her once the child is old enough. Until then, I intend to get on with my life.
Please listen to Terry Brennan, co-founder of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, explain why default every-other-weekend visitation leads to absentee fathers:
Note that in cases where ‘standard’ visitation is awarded — every-other-weekend — fathers become depressed and non-involved, and within 3 years, one study found, 40 percent of children in an unequal visitation arrangement had lost complete touch with their non-custodial parents, which are nearly always the father.
Have a listen:
Bottom line: Father not involved in child’s life? Try to make co-parenting work.
If you are tempted to turn your child against the other parent, or not sure what is the best kind of parenting time arrangement, keep it simple, and equal. In fact, there are now more than 60 studies that prove that equally shared parenting is best for children (and, moms and dads!).
While we're at it, have a read about why a simple, fair 50-50 shared parenting time with no child support is the best, fairest, and most feminist arrangement.
To prevent this kind of trauma, here are some tips to how to make co-parenting work:
- Accept that mothers and fathers are equal. This is a gender equality issue
- Accept that just because the other person doesn't parent like you do, that is not abuse.
- Let him fail, succeed and find his own parenting style. Many dads become better fathers after divorce because they have to.
- When communicating with him, use ‘your house' and ‘my house' … not ‘Home.' Same when you address the kids – “daddy's house” and “my house.” Both places are their homes..
- Keep him posted on matters large and small. Even if he doesn't show up for the teacher meetings, or make the doctors’ appointments, keep him abreast of what is happening with the kids.
- Buy him holiday and birthday presents on behalf of the kids.
But the bigger challenge is to change our culture, from one in which it is presumed that fathers are incompetent, and mothers are the default primary parent. Terry Brennan of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, and an equality activist. Listen to our podcast conversation:
For more on co-parenting communication, and reasons for better shared parenting, read: Co-parenting rules–even with a difficult ex
What do you think? Are you a dad who no longer sees his kids? Why? Please share in the comments …
Or, are you the mother of a child with an absentee father? What is your response?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children.
After studying this issue for years, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced, and there is plenty of legitimate room for both of these points of view. What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
WOAH. Wait a second. This might come off “uneducated” and I couldnt even read the entire article. But lets be real. This man who is and will always be the father picked a “6 figured” attorney to fight his “crazy spiteful” wife. Sure, she may be all these things. But did you ever take into fact the statistics or abusive narcissistic men (who may sincerely love their children) but legitimately are out to make their wives look like the enemy. This man is clearly manipulative. 6 figures on a lawyer?!??! And he still stopped fighting. This is a bold face lie. He doesnt see his child because he “lost” the game. This women might suck but he is a liar too. My husband is doing the same thing against me. Were was all this money when our daughter needed clothes ane food? I went into personal debt because I had postpartum depression and couldn’t work. I fought ror my life! And now the father of my child is crying the same wolf. I struggle to keep my child while I am beint severed papers to talk about why I needed additional help to take care of my child during my postpartum depression. Like me reaching out for help makes me an unfit mother. This dude might love his son but he cares more about winning the war. The court sided with her and they had their reasons. I seen some angry women. But statically women are far more likely to be abused emotionally, physically and sexually. The writing is on the walls and as women we cannot sit quiet. I was not the bread winner, I was told by my husband that he will take my child because I am “crazy” I dont make as much money and he has the ego to see i happen.
You are right Chrissy, you do come off as uneducated. You couldn’t even read the whole article. He spent six figures because he was desperate to see his kids and it still didn’t work. You are part of the problem. You are assuming he’s a liar just because he’s the man.
While I don’t doubt that some women can be vindictive and attempt to remove father’s from their children’s lives, most women want to share the responsibilities. My grandchildren’s father walked away and never looked back, but he can sure play the victim game. He even went so far as to post a “letter to my daughter” on his Facebook page, though he have never sent a letter, gift, or called any of the kids.
He told my daughter he wanted a divorce and to leave their house while he was stationed overseas, about 4 weeks before he was due to come home. She was 5 months pregnant with their son at the time. We moved her and the two girls home with us since that’s what he demanded. She left almost everything behind. When his mom found out what he did she was livid, and pushed him to immediately file for full custody. He had a new girlfriend immediately upon arriving back home. She had 3 children that she had sporadically lost custody of due to her drug use. She became pregnant almost immediately and they married BEFORE the divorce was finalized. Court was a joke, the allegations they threw out were constant and ridiculous, but easy to prove as lies. He and his mother actually bribed friends that didn’t even know my daughter to testify. Not being very smart they didn’t actually realize that we could prove that 3 of them didn’t even live in the state during the supposed time period. The ONLY thing my daughter asked for was to have her and him drug tested the first day of court. Our lawyer said if we wanted him tested she would also have to be tested. We were told from the get-go we would be sharing custody with her having physical custody. Except that’s not what happened, she was awarded full custody and he was awarded limited visitation.
At that point it was all over. He washed his hands of the kids, as did his mother. His father, on the other hand, was so disgusted by what his wife and son tried to do in the courtroom he moved out and filed for divorce. The ex and his wife had their son, and have lost custody at least twice due to drugs and care concerns. His wife’s 3 kids prior to their marriage are spread out among family members. The oldest boy is with his grandparents, the teen girl is with her mom’s sister, and the youngest boy is with his dad.
The saddest issue here is that it didn’t have to happen this way. Given the distance and school schedule frequent visits would have been impossible. The limited visitation is problematic because of his ongoing drug use and negligent care of the child he does have custody of. Yes, he would have had to have supervised visits if he couldn’t stay clean. But he didn’t care; there are no phone calls at Christmas or birthdays, nor other special occasions. no gifts, cards, Facetime or Skype calls. We don’t even have a phone number or address for him.
You dad’s think walking away is better for your well-being or the kids? I can assure you that whatever the circumstances are (unless there is abuse or negligence), it’s not. We have had to put our oldest granddaughter in some counseling because of her anger at her dad. She doesn’t care “how he feels about anything”, she’s angry he walked away. It’s not the first time I’ve heard what teenagers say about absent fathers. If you think you tried enough and were justified in walking away…as far as they are concerned you didn’t. You could have and should have tried harder, they should have come first, no matter what.
Yes, you may be able to have a relationship when they are older and can better process their emotions, but it won’t be the relationship you think it will be. How do I know? My daughter had an emotionally distant dad. He was never interested in his visitation, but his other wives were and did a great job with my daughter. But it was his wives and his parents and siblings that were involved in her life, not him. He didn’t come to her graduation or her wedding. He had no other children and he thanked my husband for being the kind of dad he couldn’t be. However, it still hurt my daughter, as a teenager she just couldn’t understand why he didn’t really care about seeing her. Today, they go to lunch or dinner a couple times a year…that’s it.
However hard it is, kids need their dads. They need them to fight for them, to care about seeing them, and to not walk away.
My fiancee came back to me after 3 months breakup, she left me because her ex husband was pestering her to dump me. But I am glad a witch I met through facebook did a love spell that brought her back to me. (sangopriestesslovesolution @outlook. com) reunited my ex back to me. We are getting married next month. I just want the world to share my happiness with me. Love is a beautiful thing. We are getting married in Beverly Hills Ca. because we just relocated, everyone is invited.
Connie Justine
Why they’re all so who get to see this.
I just reached out to my father after not seeing or speaking to him in 19 years. I did saw people search on the internet got several numbers of him some cousins and finally got through.
what gave me the courage to do all this is the landmark worldwide.
I will be meeting my father Sunday I’m currently 30 years old. I have not seen my father since the age of 11.
I’ve only been talking about this for many years and I buried emotions so deep that I thought they were non-existent no more.
This is all to make it short.
I wish you all the best of luck and I’m currently on the verge of tears writing this up.
Fall of those who need some help to get through this landmarkworldwide.com is the best way to start. it’s a 3-day weekend I did it this past weekend they gave me the courage and not be scared of no and to keep an open mind of a world of possibilities.
My son’s dad rejected him since the day I told him he was going to be a father.Wr lived together,joint tenancy together,and he was courting a barmaid near his workplace while coming home and making love to me.I found out about this the day I tole him I was pregnant,and he told me imediately that he wanted me to abort because he loved this woman.He left me alone and pregnant at home to go live with this woman.She now forbids him to see his 2 month old son and said for him to choose…he chose her
If you are the custodial parent and never been through court, visitation and never had to pay any child support you can’t really speak on why men just give up.
My son mother said so much shit about me when he was growing up now that he is 22 years old he has made his own judgements of me and who I am.
If you went through this battle you would understand it’s not a easy choice to give up but sometimes it’s the only one you have to keep your sanity.
I agree with the blog so much I am on two minds right now, I won my court case today to have supervised contact with my baby one every week so they can supervise me while I watch my child untill the final hearing were she has contested the cafcass report.
I have spent over 8 thousand pounds, and all her allegations got dismissed and she is still saying they are true and the cafcass report is wrong is what she is saying.
I made my application to the court when my daughter was 1 month old, she now 9 months old, because I said to the mum I didn’t want a baby I am not financially ready, she kept that in mind and led me on to buy all the baby essentials all of the clothing kept me sweet ask me if my family suffer from any health issues so that she can tell the midwife 6 months into the pregnancy I was amazing I wanted to be a dad, I messaged my girlfriend everyday before she went to sleep.
Soon as she gave birth and I slept in the same cloths for three days she said I don’t want you no more I said what about baby I love my daughter.
She said I can’t let you see her, I took her to court after 6 hearings November is my last hearing were she’s going to contest the caffcas report.
I’m court today my ex told her solicitor that is legal aided to tell me one of the days I will have contact with my daughter one hour can’t happen as it’s her first birthday, imagine how I felt.
The judge has already dismissed all crazy allegations but why am I going to supervised contact I feel I am digging a hole for my self, if she can do this she will in the future make up other excuses, what about brain washing her to call me by my name ,and not daddy my daughter will always be raised by her what about me.
I’m in two kinds what I should do. I’m thinking to leave it all together and wait till she’s older.
I’m 28 years old I’m from London I need to move on and have a wife and kids will I still be able to do this knowing my emotions will be played with because of my ex ? I am very confused
Any advise pleas help
Ive never understood how a father can get such a raw deal as every other weekend…thats 4 days a month. Almost no time at all. But its not like they cant contact you during the other time. However, my dad never did. While i felt bad for him and resented my mom leaving, he also made many mistakes. I never met my stepmom until he married her…one day i was just supposed to accept this new person, who was incredibly cruel and hateful. I loved me dad, but was terrified of her, and dreaded being around her. My parents never fought in front of me, but he and my stepmom fought constantly. Or rather, she screamed and broke things every day, while he sat and took it in silence. Needless to say, my view of women was forever warped and twisted by her constant criticism and poisonous anger. Once i was 18, i stayed away. My dad left everything to her when he died…i felt so betrayed. Not only was he a coward who never stood up for me, in the end it was like i never existed. It felt like being punched in the stomach. I got the worst of both worlds: separation since age 4, constant bickering and fighting, and ultimately being essentially disowned. Did he feel the need to punish me in some way? It wasnt my fault what happened. Im still very angry about it, and very hurt. Its been almost 2 years since he passed, and any feelings of love i once had are long gone. Hatred is all that remains. I wish i could have been a normal kid.
My husband has been separated from his ex for 14 years, of which he has attempted pickup of his 15 year old daughter throughout this time. He has recently decided he’s tired of the games. He went through the whole thing, showing up and not being able to pick up his child, making police reports, pickup/drop off at the police station, not being able to attend school activities or pickup/drop off from school. Once his ex found a boyfriend, she began trying to push my husband out of the picture even more. We figured she was trying to get him out of the picture so that her husband could take his place. My husband kept fighting for pickup and eventually, once the mother was married, things calmed down a bit. A few months ago, my husband and his ex’s husband started arguing because my husband grew angry that they were coaching his daughter over the phone when my husband and his daughter were having a conversation. Yes, they do not allow her to talk on the phone without them being in the room and she has to have the phone on speaker. They have played games with his visitation throughout the 14 years, but have increased again since that argument. The straw that broke the camels back happened a few weeks ago when my husband’s ex and 15 year old daughter continued texting him daily over a few days telling him that he didn’t have visitation with his daughter for Father’s Day because it wasn’t his weekend. He told them that Father’s Day is his weekend regardless of whose weekend it falls on. He got no response until the Friday, pickup day, when his daughter sent him a text that she had strep throat with a 102.8 fever and needed to stay in bed the whole Father’s day weekend, and then ended the text with, “do you still want to pick me up?”. My husband was angry and heartbroken that after all these years, his daughter has become a part of the games. So he decided not to respond or pick up. When I asked him if he’s sure, he said, “yes, I’m tired of these games, she knows who her dad is”. It’s sad that mothers like this use their kids because they are bitter and selfish. I know there are mothers out there who would love to have a father as committed as my husband that fight to see his child. Instead this mother’s sole purpose was to brainwash her child to take her side. I don’t know if my husband’s decision is right or wrong. I do know that dealing with his ex has brought him great stress, and that he has come to terms with the fact that his ex will always manipulate his daughter and that he has no control of that.
I could swear I wrote this myself. I went through the exact situation when my wife had an affair and left with my daughter when she was only 3 months old. The courts made me out to be a loser father. I got the every other weekend treatment but the “judge” thought fit to have me pay for everything. I lived like a pauper for 18 years. After 10 years my ex had turned my daughter against me and my family including her grandparents. Needless to say I lost contact and thought it was for the better. At one point in an effort to change things I hired a female lawyer and took the ex to court to have him enforce the visitation rights I was awarded. Not only did that not happen, the “judge” awarded my ex more child support (over $700 per month. I lived like a church mouse until my daughters 18th birthday. I was broke every single payday. I hated the judge and the system after this experience. I hate my cheating ex wife multiple times the level it was already at. One of the things her and her husband did was to keep moving farther and farther away. My daughter is over 30 now and married with a young son. We have reacquainted but it will never be the same. I have a huge resentment for lawyers and judges who treated me like a criminal. I wouldn’t put water on my ex if I saw her burning. You know. I’m the bad one
For every one woman who is a malicious mom there are far more fathers who wilfully abandon their children. If I had a dollar for every time I saw my grandson get his heart broken because his biodad blew off visitations or how often my daughter had to haul that overage adolescent into court for not paying child support. Yes I know MRAs are getting their moment in the sun but its a total insult the way your article demonizes single mothers. When I started reading the article I thought you would be fair and evenhanded but I’m quite disappointed that you are choosing to side with the men and are throwing single moms under the bus in the process.
To be honest it’s a miracle that any man ever touches another woman after he’s been through the alienation process by his ex.
I haven’t got close to one since and I don’t know any other man that has either.
I’ve just turned into an older player.
I am going through this process with my child’s mother. This week (It has been a year and half since my daughter has visited my family in California) my daughter’s mother cancelled my daughter’s trip two days before he flight. The reason she said she cancelled was due to growth hormone treatments. I called the doctor and found out that there was no reason her two week trip should have been cancelled. Anyway, my family and I spent a lot of money and planning for this trip only to end up with a broken heart. I do fly out to see her every 4 months but I no longer get along with the grandmother, who acts like Stevie is her child. Stevie’s mother and grandmother are the most controlling and manipulative people I know.
I read this article and have decided to take the same stance. I will no longer beg to see her one or two weeks out of the year. Hopefully, when she gets older, I could resume my relationship with her then.
I really have no words….I mean I have 2 sons and I have to beg their father to come and see them,to play with them,to take them for a weekend..if he can take them for a weekend meaning I can rest..(not that I’m complaining) But if a child can be with his father on weekends or school holidays meaning u can have abit of free time for yourself also…I wish my sons father could make time for them.He stays 30minutes drive away from us but they will see him every 3rd or 4th month which is very sad…
Right on brother, I support this very difficult decision. Sometimes they make it impossible for you to foster a healthy relationship, and they damn well know it; some even get off on it. The control they have is what they crave, and will go to any length to maintain it, even if it means creating irreparable damage to the child’s well being.
You can’t continue to light yourself on fire just to keep her warm.
Best of luck, and godspeed. The next decade or longer without any contact will be traumatizing, but it’s the lesser of two evils. You can’t make a deal with the devil-woman. It’s a lose/lose battle, but the war can be won when the child can make his/her own decisions.
Please don’t shy from telling your child the full truth when the time comes. The mother has no regard for her child’s opinion of his/her father or her well-being, for that matter. In return, have no reservations when it comes time to shed light on the truth.
This has happened to me for years now NH court allowed ex husband to be found in contempt of court. He was only responsible to pay back a portion of legal fees. This has not stopped him for violating court order. Now he is refusing visitation based on son being 14.
I talked to a NH lawyer who said a judge is not going to force visitation now that he’s 14.
Men who have custody can alienate a child from mom as well. It’s high time for me to take the high road and stop wasting money in NH family court that is broken. Word of advice, never marry someone who is in law enforcement. Courts will continue to favor these people do to brotherhood!
I am going through this for the second time in my life. I don’t think there is hope for a third. The damage is to painful. It’s worse this time.
However, I can’t let go of my kids. I vowed myself as a father to make sure these kids know they have a dad who loves, listens and cares for them.
Even if it’s just a little, I need them to know.
I do commend you for making your own choice, as every situation is different. I can see how it may be better for the child and yourself. I hope you find your peace.
This is really an interesting article and difficult situations for both parents. Currently, am in a similar situation, and it’s really difficult for me to live without my daughter. Fortunately, me and girlfriend didn’t get married but we used to live together and had our baby girl. I have been involved in my daughter’s life until our separation because I couldn’t tolerate her disrespectful and cheating attitude. After walking, we agreed on $300 a month and I will pick up my daughter every Sunday while she goes to work. I have been abiding by the agreement and everything involved until I met someone else. My ex-girlfriend doesn’t want my daughter to come to my house because I have met someone else. She said that in plain language to me. And I have been consistently given her the $300 every month. When it was my daughter’s birthday, I had to beg her to take my daughter out since it’s her birthday. I picked her up from her grandma’s place, and after picking her up, within one hour, the grandma called to tell me that I should return my daughter and I ended up spending only two hours with her. The funny part of it is, my ex continues to give my daughter out to her friends and family friends to take my daughter out and to their houses but not me (the biological father). On top of all these insults, she has sent me to the court (child support), and I asked her what for? She said because I don’t care about my daughter and that the money is too small. Whenever, my daughter sees me, she will run up to me and doesn’t want to go back to them. For the sake of peace, I don’t want to argue with her when it comes to my daughter. I have tried to be as respectful as I can but, it looks like I am being used. For about six months now, the longest time I have spent with my daughter is 3 hours, and while outsiders are enjoying and getting familiar with my daughter. I have receipts and evidence of being responsible in the life of my daughter when we go to the court. I don’t want full custody, I would prefer split custody. Does any of you think I have a case? And do I stand a chance of getting a split custody. I really wants to be involved with my daughter.
300 a month is too small. Your ex is worried about the new girl parenting you child and how you will now change agreed upon rules like parenting rules privileges etc. you should talk with her and let her talk about her worries no matter how crazy. It’s a trust issue. You would take certain precautions with a babysitter but because it is sometimes good for the girlfriends and ex to not be fighting I understand. My ex’s girlfriend I found would often be watching feeding and driving my kids without my ex being there. Basically babysitting. Both my kids are special needs and I always explain their condition. And give medical advise. I did not even get to tell her anything as a caregiver to another caregiver and she if she has any questions. My ex did not follow the dietary restrictions so he was a hero, then my kids would come home sick and I’d have to take care of them. Please just ask what she is concerned, listen and come to an agreement. Then you can she your daughter. Good luck. There are worse horror stories. But I think this o e is simple she does not want a stranger caring for her child, and knows this person will be influencing your behaviors.
As a woman, I would like the opinions of fathers –
How would you advise a mother to coparent with a father when they are not in a relationship?
I am not angry at the father, I just don’t want a relationship with him due to multiple reasons. I have told him I want him to have a relationship with our child, and that relationship with our child does not demand that I be in a relationship with him. I am open to joint custody, though it seems the father is determined that we live together as a family unit.
I do not want to be the difficult mom that separates her child from the father, and I’m looking for the best way to go about this for the child, and also for my sanity and well being.
Someone who finally understands. Going through the same situation with my ex-boyfriend. We share an almost 3 year old together. Our relationship did work out due to his constant womanizing. He has been trying rekindle our relationship, but I let him know due to his lack of commitment it will not work.
I have encouraged him to maintain a relationship with our daughter, but made it clear its not and invite to have a relationship with me. Quite frankly, despite trying to show otherwise, he doesn’t show much interest in our daughter other than taking her for random visits when ever he decides.
Its hard to co-parent with someone who quite frankly doesn’t want it. And sad to say for my own sanity, I don’t pay him too much attention. I have told him over and over again, but my words seem to go through one ear and out the other. His family has been not much of help either; they seem too share his viewpoints despite saying other wise.
I have just come to terms that I am a single mother in the true sense of the term and accept my responsibilities for what they are and mange them to the best of my abilities.
Honestly it sounds like you don’t need any advice. Give him the opportunity and he will take it. Don’t expect the world out of him and make sure the child understands neither one of you are the bad guy.
I am about to start this kind of battle.
My ex and I were together for 8 years, before I found her cheating. To be honest we’d been drifting apart for a while so I pretty much forgave it instantly, but it made me realise we shouldn’t be together anymore. She didn’t accept it well, she assaulted me while I was holding our son, she threatened suicide if I didn’t come back, etc. But after a month or 2 she got things together. While separated we had a 50/50 childcare split, I had my son Monday morning to Thursday evening, she had him Thursday evening to Monday morning. My ex and I had almost zero contact during this time as our son was dropped off at and picked up from kindergarten. It worked, with no paperwork or lawyers required. All good.
After being separated for around a year i met my current SO, and she fell pregnant after we had been together for 10 months. I spoke to my ex and let her know the situation and that I was going to be finalising the divorce. Everything changed. My ex refused to even speak to me about it so I needed to hire a lawyer, she then refused to speak to the lawyer too. At the first court hearing she accused me of assault, abuse, of regular cheating and numerous other things. She then told the judge that she was refusing to get divorced. I mean if I’m as bad as she said you’d think she’d be desperate to get a divorce right?
I asked for the joint custody to continue, she also rejected this, and demanded full custody with no visitation for me. Eventually I was awarded custody on every second weekend, and half of all school holidays. Not enough time, but better than nothing. My son used to tell me regularly that his mum and grandparents always tell him how bad I am, or that I’m not his family, that my new daughter isn’t his family. But it’s ok, because he doesn’t believe them.
3 months later my ex ran away with our son. Nobody made any attempt to find her. I’ve since found her living in the U.K. (where both me and my son are from) it’s been 3 months now since I saw my son. The country that we were all living in (my ex’s home country) isn’t signed up to The Hague convention so my ex will face no punishment for this child abduction. If I go back to the U.K. to fight for my son I face a court battle, that will cost thousands of pounds, could take up to 2 years and on top of that I’ll have to leave my SO and daughter behind while I do it as the visa process is complicated and lengthy. If I don’t go back then my son is being raised by someone who has committed child abduction, is a consistent liar, and has clearly demonstrated that she has no interest in what’s best for him.
The laws on these issues are clearly broken. They’re sexist, and they’re not in children’s best interests.
The justice system seems to be equally cruel. Most parents are fighting and say outrageous things to the judge to win them over. Family court is a joke. Anyone can say anything with no repercussions. The judges seem to expect it and are often bias. The judges are desensitized. I do wonder if my adult children have the right to go after the judge due to seeing their father was abusive, his communication with me was outrageous and not buying anything for your own children is child abuse. But the way I look at it the law protects the bad parents and enables them to get their opportunity to abuse your child equally its that cool? I don’t think my son o LT seeing his father because he was protecting me from bogus alienation charge and his many attempts to put me in jail. I can’t believe we had police many times when he was coming to pick up the kids. Makes no sense but people get away with it all the time.sorry. Your child needs you to not give up. Communication. Ever. No matter what. I understand your situation is tough I hope you can find a way to communicate and see your child.
This is a terrible, terrible world that discards so many fathers. All the hateful people that make comments that fathers must have done something wrong to ‘deserve’ being thrown out of the lives of their children must think they have never done anything wrong, and that they ‘deserve’ to be in sole control of children. This is a fallen world.
To fathers that have been cheated on, falsely accused of terrible things, and spat upon by the court systems, remember this when you are sitting in your car, at the designated time and location, with your stack of court papers signed by a judge, and your ex just refuses to comply with court orders. Remember this when the police tell you that their District Attorney had directed that they don’t enforce state law felonies for interference with child possession time. Remember this when you have realized that you could comply with the designated orders for 1,000 years and it would never help your kids:
God knows the truth.
Your awful ex may have ‘won’ and you and your kids have ‘lost.’ Your kids may be brainwashed. Maybe for the rest of their lives. But God will redeem all. In heaven there will be no more lies, nor more hate, and no family court system. And no amount of child support payments or alimony or expensive vacations will save your ex from their judgement. And I sure don’t want to stand before God as a family court judge.
My wife and I have met many couples, including a woman that goes out of their way to encourage their kids to have a relationship with a father that was just released from prison. Think about that for a second. This woman could take the hateful path of blocking their kids from having a relationship with their father, a convicted felon just released from prison. The courts would allow it simply by nor enforcing any of the father’s ‘rights.’ She surely would get plenty of encouragement to take that path. But she chose not to block their father. Instead, she spends her weekends and weekdays driving the kids to see their dad, because he doesn’t have a car. Imagine that for a second. Really, just think about that – this is the ideal that we think about for mothers – we imagine them doing what is best for their children even when it isn’t personally convenient for them. We hope they will reject the hateful ‘advocacy groups’ and reject the court systems that show them that they don’t have to do what is right. And sometimes, even if rarely, it does happen.
I am so very sorry for all the dads that have had their children stolen from them. And I’m sad for you and your kids that were denied their dad by someone filled with hate; whether you were a perfect dad or not.
God bless you
Unfortunately, at one time your comment about God redeeming all would have been believable. But through all of the Hell that I have had to go through with My ex taking my daughter 3000 miles away. And brain washes her all year long even during my every other spring break, and 6 weeks of which only 10 days was kept. I don’t have much faith in God anymore.
I did not cheat on my ex, I worked, took my daughter to and from school, sat and helped her with homework.
I look at all that I did and all that I gave and my 13 year old daughter despises me, due to the daily brainwashing from my ex.
I was tired of the coldness of my ex, the yelling and belittling of me by my ex. Then one night she said she should have left me 4 years ago after we had mover to Oregon 3 years ago. And I told her if she had felt that way for so long, I was done, I could not fix this. I was already sleeping on the couch, Her love and sex had dried up with the birth of our daughter.
So I went back home to AZ and she is living with her looser brother in NC.
My daughter will not return text, has canceled her emails, and youtube videos that I use to watch just to hear her voice, I call and no answer or returned messages. I am looking to the web for help when I found this blog, and I am ready to step out of visits for all the same reasons. When I put my daughter on the plan my heart is torn in two, I cry for days after.
And all the while Mom is living the dream, walking on air and can do no wrong, Don’t tell me about God’s love, God’s redemption. I have grew up with god, bless my meals with God, went to church for God, and pray to God every hour of every day for my little girl’s heart to soften and have her return a text, call me on my Birthday or return a call or text on Christmas. God? I just don’t know anymore?
Thomas Kmetz, your words are true. I am sorry for your pain and that of the others who have posted here. For the others, please don’t give up. Read Thomas’ words and hang in there. I hope that you continue to show up for your children and reach out to them. Keep sending them your love, show them that you think of them and are always there for them, even in small ways. Whatever you can. Text messages, gifts, time spent together. Show up for school events and activities. Most parents can access school info online and both parents have the right to be in contact with teacher. Your children will notice that you show up for them. And if your exes are truly bad parents who do not act in the interest of your children, remember that your children NEED you. But if your exes are good,stable parents, then minimize the conflict and make peace. Kids hate the conflict more than anything. Take the high road – there is no other way: My mom tried to alienate my dad and I didn’t want much to do with him when I was a teen, but over the years we have become closer. He never stopped showing me love and support in his own quiet way. We didn’t talk much, but his quiet , calm presence was a balm compared to her histrionics and drama. He never said a negative word about her but he didn’t need to. She did all of the alienating and it eventually backfired. If you behave well with your children they WILL see and feel your love. If your ex partner is evil and manipulative, chances are that one day, your children WILL see through her too. My 3 sisters and I all eventually did, but it was a slow process, and had my dad walked away from us, we would have lost the chance to have a loving and stable parent. We now all have good relationships with our father and stay away from our mother because of her manipulative ways…..Had our dad given up on us, we would have accepted his abandonment and I don’t know how things would have turned out. Fast forward 30 years: I left my own abuser husband after 28 years and my 85 year old dad was the one who showed up for me, reminding me to have courage, When I was completely terrified. For most girls, our Daddy is our protector, and I was grateful that he was there! My childrens’ father, the abuser, moved 75 miles away, and has continued to claim victim hood, parental alienation, etc , because I left him and his abuse was covert, all the while that he dated, remarried, and barely chooses to show up for the kids. He told the children I had an affair and fights me for the support that he giives me. I work full time and care for my kids. I drive them up to see their dad. Your children are lucky that their father wants to provide for them, play ball with them and do the things that they enjoy. Please don’t stop loving them! if you are a good parent , they need you!! and every little bit of concern and caring will make a difference to them. Peace.
I’m currently in This position where I get my kids every two weekends i get my kids it really does feal painful not being able to see my children everyday ive raised my girls she has attempted to place a restrainning order on me however it didn’t stand it was placed as a behavioral order refrain from stalking harrassing etc
However I’m fealing so much and just debating on giving up anymore my two baby girls come here and say they want there mother meanwhile I literally take them to park every weekend I have them and we spend as much time as i can together with them I had my oldest daughter when I was 18 a couple months after we got married we lived at her mom and dads house where everyday I was forced to do outside work and work on there yard and everything 2 years later we decide to move in my brothers x girlsfriends house with my wife and daughter big mistake on my part where i was accused everyday by her eventually she attempted to kill herself i grabbed the knife in attempt to save her life and she cut 5 fingers open so i put a restrainning order on her in pike county later 3 months I move back in her mom and dads house drop the restrainning order get back with her and end up having another child we moved in 3 diffrent places lived in hurleyville ny/liberty ny on chestnut st witch was probably the best place for us we hardly ever faught then we ended up moving to liberty commons in liberty ny 6 months later she ends coming up with some bullshit where she came home told me she wanted a break from our marriage then 2 weeks later on nov 21st she places a restrainning order on me (as mentioned above didnt stand) but yes I get to see my kids I thought it was the greatest moment of my life therefore I didnt realize how much stress its really putting on myself I love those kids with all my heart I’ll do anything for them I’m also fealing this point where I wanna give up because of all the mental stress its putting me through its not me walking away because im a bad dad its putting me to the point where I might do something I might later regret or do something i wont be able to regret because i won’t be walking anymore amongst this earth
I dont wanna step away from my whole life
I dont know what to do anymore im so confused because my choice wont only impact me it’ll impact my mother father and sister there all really into my children’s lives do i just move away and never look back?
Oh brother. Men that do not get contact with their kids should have learned how to communicate, care, and actually be in a healthy relationship with the mother. So few men are capable of this. This guy obviously did something wrong, like most men.
Completely agree. These men make themselves sound like victims instead of taking personal responsibility.
I have to disagree with you, as a father and a divorce lawyer, I have learned that many people are unaware of the depths people will go through to hurt someone in a divorce case. Men do not make themselves the victims this often occurs on the way they are treated by the court system. In divorces both parties need to be more responsible in the separation process. It’s unfair to say men make themselves the victim and not acknowledge that some women may do the same.
You are wrong to judge a person if you don’t the situation. I’m living with a man and he’s been put thru the same situation with his baby mama. I’ve tried to help with the relationship and communication since I was a single mom for 10 yrs but had a good relationship with my ex. This baby mama is a liar, sociopathic and most likely bi polar. You can’t win with these type of individuals
Actually if this was years ago I would have agreed with you. I used to think ” why isnt that dad more involved ” UNTIl my eyes were opened .
After being with my new husband and all the evil drama of his ex I have to disagree. There are men who definitely not great . BUT there are also many manipulative angry women who use their kids as pawns. Its disgraceful. I have witnessed it for 5 years now. It is so wrong . I am a woman . But I really have had my eyes opened about how family court is a joke and how you can be the calmed individual out there , who just wants to see his kids and watches as an vicious mother tears your kids away with manipulation.
So many men are punished for working by getting less time with their children . So many bitter women take full advantage of the fact that going to court again and again wears down people .
Coming from a place, where I have definitely been angry and resentful to the father of my child and said hateful things and made threats; I can 110% say it’s his fault. Men don’t like to take responsibility for their actions. And it’s always the mothers fault. I have apologized, offered to drive 2 states over and sit in the car so he can spend time with his son, have his family present so they could visit, not pay child support and not go through the courts if he just saw him 1! A month. Have unsupervised visits if he was consistent about seeing his child 6 months in a row. Sent him pictures and videos of his infant son. Everything. I’ve done every single thing to not be present and so that father and son could have a relationship and I am still the problem. My son is 18months old and he has seen his father 8 times. Zero in the last 6 months. He wants nothing to do with his son “because of me”. What? I’m not trying to even be involved at this point. Just trying to have my son have a relationship with his dad and I understand that some women are freaking nuts. But it’s usually a two way street and men have to bite the bullet and learn how to communicate with the mother of his child for the sake of the child. It is NEVER okay to abandon your child. If a mother does it she goes to jail and it’s unthinkable that men would but their “mental health” above that of their child.
This is sad. I don’t get why laws are not equal for everybody. There are good dads that suffer extortion by their kids’ moms. This shouldn’t be allowed. And the law should be there to avoid this, but its not. The system fails fathers all the time. They say “for the welfare of the kid” but they don’t make it easy for the child to have time with the dad. Some women are not mature enough to be moms. Usually women act by feelings and not with reasoning. They hate the man that impregnated them but now there is this new human that doesn’t belong just to the mom to put all that anger into them. The child is a dad and mom topic and if a dad really wants to share some time with that kid , the mother shouldn’t have the power to interfere. (unless of course the kid’s life is in danger)
I never got to spend time with my dad and not because my mom ever prohibited my dad to do so, but because he didn’t have the interest. But i think if my mom was making it difficult for me to see my father, i would have been full of resentment because it would be my mom’s fault that I didn’t have time with my father. But that wasn’t the case.
I feel sad for these dads that do want to spend time with their kids but the moms make it so freaking difficult. I mean if you, mom, hate the dad then hate him but that doesn’t mean that because the dad doesn’t want to be with you, he doesn’t want to be with the kid either. Its totally different. Stop making it difficult for the father to be with their kids. Just stop! And grow up and be a mother. A real one!
Hopefully, the laws change at some point in the not so far future and the fathers get the right as well to spend time with the kids if thats what they want to do.
In the meantime, at least fathers have the hope that your kids will grow up at some point where you won’t need to beg to spend some time with your kids to the mothers or judges anymore. So hang in there good dads.
It hurts so much. I chose the third action. I’ve fought the temptation to quit, and I’ve had to keep battling for two and a half years just to get to a third of the time with my children. How I long to be a full-time father again. The courts don’t care about history or context. Justice is rather stale.
Jason,
I know it hurts and it frustrating, but you are doing the right thing to keep fighting for your kids. Your always a full-time father, even if you can’t see them all the time. They need you in their lives, no matter if it’s not as often as you want. Eventually, things will change for you and the kids.
It is vary painful what we men pass through n the hand of our ex. Wife I am an example, for over a year I haven’t seen my son who is just 13 months when the mother apply for a divorce. She have accused me of a threat to her and my 13 months old son. She have ask for supervised visits because she and the child is not safe around me, she have accused me of threatening to kidnapped our own child, she said I am abusive to the child, investigation have go on, none of this is true, yet she is still playing the game of unsafey. She is not interested in away how I can see our child but only call for money. And the court is not doing anything. Being supported by the so call social worker. Instead she think the child is better of without me around. Is a painful experience.
I stubbled across this article while trying do some research about the same subject, just different circumstances.
My grandmother and I have shared custody of my 13 year old son, who has been diagnosed with both High Functioning Autism and Oppositional Difiant Disorder.
Knowing her and I could not live together, as we do not get along, I still moved her into my home after she lost hers. Something as sad as it is to say, because she is after all my Grandmother, I regret.
She not only underminds my authority when it comes to my son and downgrades me as a mother, she also continues to baby him, which makes it very difficult to try and get him prepared for adulthood.
Not only do I deal with her and her “nastiness”, my child has also become very disrespectful to me as well. Yes, I realize teenagers say things they don’t mean. I myself wasn’t the greatest to my own mother during those years. However, I honestly do believe my son hates me.
I may be a mother, and I may love my son more than he ever realize, but I am still human.. and I do have feelings.
The treatment I receive is so hurtful and hard to bare, that I have lost myself. My soul feels empty.. dead. I don’t even know who I am or what my purpose is anymore. I am just a body.
Even those who knew me, tell me I’m not the same.
I contimplate everyday about given in and given up. Giving him what he wants.. who he loves – HER. But I’m so stuck. Do I let the people around me continue to tear me down both mentally and emotionally until I just “remove” myself all together, because she made me lose him once and I refuse to be without him again?? Or do I let go, and never forgive myself for that either?? Either way, I lose.
But I also worry that if I don’t just give up, I may never find myself again. That what/who I have become will be all that I am.
Watching my children grow up without their father hurts my heart. My dream was never to be a single mom, much less a single mom who has to answer the questions like “does daddy still love me?” “Why does daddy not call?”
The reality is, daddy is sick. Daddy can’t stay sober. Daddy loves you very much and I wish he was here too. And that’s the truth.
We end up talking about their feelings and laughing at funny memories of daddy. And as much as I can hug them, teach them, discipline them, love them, I can never fill that spot in their lives. I can never be dad. I can play pitch and catch, I can talk to them about girls/boys eh o might like them, I can teach them to be a lady and gentleman, but I can not teach my son to be a man, and I can not teach my daughter certain things about men…..only their daddy can do that.
Men, step up, sober up, man up, grow up….be the dad he/she needs you to be. Even when it’s hard, even when it hurts. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on them. Find courage to persevere.
This is my situation exactly – toxic ex wife, three kids, I spend so much money on kids on my every other Saturday plus the $2200 a month child support. I pay three huge bills for lawyer, guardian ad Litem, court costs. In court for almost 2 years, the system is so biased against the father it has not funny. Was thrown in jail on false charges when she filed for divorce, never once had any issues with law or women before or since. She called me, my friends, my family, even my lawyer names. I love my kids but I have to check out, they are getting coached and have heard untrue stuff about me. I would rather be a big brother , but for now I have to pay massive bills for next 6 years before oldest is 18.
I used to have different opinions on this, I now see why so many fathers simply give up.
I totally understand what you mean. I’m a mother who’s going through this at the moment.
So why is your ex wife so toxic? You did something. You have 3 kids. Which assumes to belief the oldest has memories of you saying/doing something ‘wrong’ that has triggered him to ‘belief his moms lies’ Sorry dude. Seems like you’re just pist off your ex left you and won along with child support that you obviously hate to pay cuz u whine about it a lot. You’re the toxic one.
After scrolling thru some of the comments, all i see you is bash and make assumptions on what YOU think went down. You have nothing better to do than spew your negativity on these comments? Have some freaking compassion we are all human, we make mistakes, but using a child against someone is just harsh. You are right they are alot of situations where the fathers are complete dick heads. But not everyone is like that. If you have nothing positive to say, keep it to yourself Brenda.
@Brenda, you need a serious help, I really hope you find a peace in life.
Commenting and putting all these negative words when you don’t even know what exactly has happened in that person life, is telling a lot about your personality and understanding of life, you probably should be thankful that nothing major happened to you in this life yet, you probably think you have a power to control everything in your life and make it the way you want, as a media says (BS) you probably a (law of attraction) type person, it will take too much experiences and life lessons to know we don’t really have much control on our lives as we think !
I hope you currently don’t have any children and if you have them I hope your partner is more mature and wiser than you, there is a lot of learning for you to do, life is not a textbook to follow, life is countless experiences from day one until you die
Short story long, when there are children in family, the parents should realize it’s not about them anymore, they had enough in life and now their responsibility to raise them even if they have to give up on their own happiness.
by the moment one parent denies the right of the other parent under any circumstances, that parent becomes as equally bad as the other parent, it takes 2 to make a baby, but it take a lot of work, love, forgiveness, maturing and sacrifices to raise that baby. Thanks
Please stop watching TV, following a media and start living in real life and know that one day you will be gone, and the most importantly known that you are basically just another human and nothing makes you better than anyone to just start giving your selfish opinions on somebody else life that you didn’t experience, try to say something positive or come up with advice that can help people get up and continue living.
Meanwhile please try to get help to fix your thinking and hope that you never experience some major event that you are desperate to get a support from strangers on the internet and one like you comes and put a toxic comment that will do more harm that a needed support (nice encouraging words can be like a magic) we all make mistakes in life …including you (perfect lady)
There are some women so toxic, the laws are so skewed I have seen innocent men driven to insanity. The laws are from the 50s when many women got abused, nowadays women via courts have all the power and those that are abusive towards their husbands will someday be abusive towards their kids. No wonder men give up on their kids- even if they are drug free with a good job and no criminal history. I am not saying all women are abusive (or no men are abusive) – I am saying that a woman has all the say and she has to be the biggest loser to not win custody in today’s court system. No wonder some women never have the father in the kids lives – the whole society is geared against him regardless of his character. US courts need to be like foreign courts – assume 50/50 and make them prove otherwise. Otherwise you will have a society filled with toxic single moms and abused kids, who turn into toxic single moms themselves.
Wow am about to just give up too. Sad two boys 14 and 15 the x is An evil witch from the east. I live in Ohio laws are money. Sad
I have and now my new husband is enduring the “alienation” – it is very real and true thing. Ignored texts and calls – even when things were kind of good there were games, comments such as child not wanting to go. Now, husband was using (he is clean now) and did not pick up child and for this (understandably) is cause for the alienation – but I sure wish parents could truly co-parent — the primary parent seems to hold the other parent to such a high standard like they are another one of their children. Anyhow, begging, texting, no door answered – it’s punishment at it’s finest – does the child really need to see a bully parent do this and the other parent must accept not only are they not perfect, or that nothing can be talked out or discussed – just banishment. I think that kind of co-parenting is sickening and just as bad and unhealthy as for 2 parents to stay together for the kids — toxic co-parenting is really unhealthy and instead of the angry primary co-parent going and getting their own counseling – they act out their anger towards the other parent and the kid watches. The kid some say needs to say the other parent will do anything for them even be bullied and cause disharmony for all – or do you step back – I chose stepping back – it was putting my kids in the middle – they could see what was going on – I stayed ready, willing and waiting and did any appointments needed (which was one of the few times called) I think child support should be paid but toxic primary parents need to get support for themselves not take everything out on the co-parent and the end result is in my opinion some children learn to be manipulative, bullies and most of all unhappy. The withholding – or unwillingness to work through things for the sake of the child is beyond toxic and cruel to ones self and all those involved. Single parents sometimes are so busy playing games and not utilizing the self care they can do when sharing custody fairly and respectfully. Doesn’t anyone ever remember – when the parents were having happy moments the kids were truly the happiest! All was safe and ok. Hope in time parents grasp this for future co-parenting parents.
I always said that my husbands ex hated him more than she loved her son!! All she did was play mind games!! If children have a Dad out there that wants to be in their life let them!! The courts will suck the life out of you!! There isn’t a Judge out there that has the child’s best interest at heart!! They have no one to protect them from all the games which ever parent is playing!! They live this life for 18 yrs!! I lived that life!! That’s why I hated seeing my step son being done the way he was by his Mother!! Mental abuse is the worse !! I remember when my Dad first got with my step mom he would pick me up and take me to my Grandmas. I wasn’t allowed to go to his house. It took a few years. Then I started going every other weekend. I had a step sister my age. We got along really good. I also had two younger siblings. One summer my Dad ask if I could spend the summer and he was going to keep the child support for that week or month I can’t remember and buy me school clothes. I was already at my Dads with all my stuff. Well my Step Dad told my Mom he didn’t think that was a good idea him keeping the child support. So instead of my Dad just going ahead and paying it and still letting me stay the summer. My Mom and Step Dad came to pick me up. No summer spent with my Dad!! Selfish people on both sides !! Now that I’m grown up and went through a divorce of my own after being married for 19 yrs my ex was very selfish too. We had shared custody. Until my daughter became a teenager and he didn’t want to take her to friends house or ball games !! So she quit going as often. And their bond slowing started slipping away. He blames her. Now she’s a Mom of a beautiful baby boy and her Dad still chooses to not come around!! These things affect you in your life!! We didn’t ask to be born!! You are suppose to love and protect your children!! Teach them about this thing called life!! Make memories!! I really could write a book. So many more things I’ve bored you enough.
I am going through this decision process TODAY 2.5 years of hell, fighting for any chance to maintain a relationship with my daughter. This story is 100% mine as well. Been dragged to court over a dozen times, never lost in court but it makes no difference. Ive decided to step away. I’ll pay my monthly payment and hope that when my daughter is old enough i can explain and she’ll understand and forgive me. Im glad i read this article. Is meant a lot to me. Thank you.
This makes me so sad and so so so not alone. I am in this exact situation and today, right now, am at a crossroads as to whether I do continue this or do I stop. My sons mother has and still does, at every single turn, make it her life’s mission to sabotage and ruin every aspect of our relationship. She took him for no reason, I was actually in a hospital bed having final chemotherapy. I cam home and she was gone. Everything. I didnt see my son for 2 mnths after that. I had to move, I had no job, she had cancelled the apartment we lived in. Did I mention I was in Sweden and did not speak a single word of swedish?
SO far, for 7 years (my son is 6.5) I have driven 700km every week to see him for 1 day, its a 4.5hr one way drive. I pay all of my support, always, I pay for EVERYTHING and it has cost me countless hours in the car, in court and over $500,000.
From the smallest thing, like swimming lessons and getting an award, to doctors visits and holidays, I get nothing. IT is HELL that I would never wish on anyone. I have been lied about, called all kinds of names and she has done things with SOcial Services (who are family friends would you believe and the court dont seem to care) that not even my lawyer believed initially. She has forged my signature, taken money from accounts, closed accounts, accessed information, accused me of driving unlicenced and was apprehended by 5, yes 5 police for her accusation of driving unlicenced (which I wasnt).
ANd what do I get? NOTHING. I have remarried and have a beautiful wife and a new baby and my sons mother STILL wont stop. I dont want to fight, I dont want to argue, all I want is my son.
WHich makes me ask, why? WHy does she do this? She got what she wanted, she tricked me into taking my child, I am over 350km away, she gets money. SO why does she still continue 6 years later? What is the purpose.
So as I said, now I am at the exact crossroads right now as to what to do. I have always said and always sworn to fight for him, but I can see it is all coming to nothing. I am losing him in his mind, in fact I would say its already lost.
I dont know what to do but I do know I cannot keep doing this.
Really? You have NO IDEA why your ex wife ran away and hid for 2 months? Sounds like she was scared of you. Just because you were in chemo does not mean you were a nice innocent man. Most countries have a abandonment of home law that you could have filed and would of granted you more leaway and been able to have more control of the outcome. Seem’s like you gave up once you made a new family.
You can try skype you can try online games. BUT i dont get why you only got 1 day visitations.. Seems like she got something on you! And let’s be real. In court you have to PROOVE things so none of that yappy yap about ‘making up lies’ That’s the lie. Yes ppl lie but if they cant prove it the judge ignores their statement etc.
You did something to that ex of yours and like any typical being, you act like “idk’.
People like you are a great example of how women can be…full of hate and stupidity. I hope you dont have kids of your own, with a poison tongue like that. You sound like my evil stepmother. Women can be so heartless…its the child who suffers, every time, in these situations. One day the child will grow up and see through all the lies, and know that their mom never had their best interest at heart…she was more interested in playing games and ‘winning’ at an endeavor where the true loser is always her own kid.
Like the author, I gave up trying to get the courts to let me see my kids in the interests of my health and sanity. And for the trolls out there, I am still paying half of my take home pay as ‘child support’ to my very …ex-wife and her cohabiting paramour so your assumption that I am a “deadbeat” is false.
I have also told my children that my door is always open to them, and that I’m read to listen when they are ready to talk, but that I’m tired of the battles, the false accusations, and their mothers lies (that both they and the family court judge have caught her in).
I just hope and pray that I don’t live the rest of my days without my children in my life.