There are plenty of memes going around Facebook giving Father's Day shout-outs to single moms who “do it all.”
Make your way down the card isle at any store, and you will come across a half-dozen Hallmark cards designed for moms on this day for dads.
Cards read:
“Happy Father's Day, Mom!”
“Mom: You're the best! Thanks for being both father and mother.”
“Happy Father's Day to all the single moms pulling double duty.”
It is not OK to wish single moms a Happy Father's Day.
Should you wish single moms a “Happy Father’s Day”?
What your kids hear when moms say they are the mother and the father
- “Fathers are replaceable.”
- “Men are irrelevant.”
- “I am a martyr and you owe me.”
- “Your dad sucks.“
- “Your dad will never be an important part of your life.“
Should you wish single moms a “Happy Father’s Day”?
In short: Moms never get to celebrate Father's Day. Don't wish any female-gendered person Happy Father's Day. It is absolutely uncool to every male, female, adult and child.
Overwhelmed and (often justifiably) resentful mothers who do not have a supportive co-parent (whether she is in a relationship or not) have long taken on the mantra: I am the mother and father.
Subtex: I do the work of the two parents that a child should have, because the asshole won't do his share. Sometimes, the backstory is less bitter and involves the death of the father.
I get it. I really get it. I get that you do all, or most of the work.
I get that he checked out and that is so, so, so wrong and absentee fathers hold men, women, fathers, mothers and most of all children back.
Absentee fathers is a big freaking problem in this country, as I have explored in numerous posts. What to tell your child when their father is not involved.
I am making it in my work a priority to address and remedy.
Why single moms are not fathers on Father's Day
First, no child is guaranteed two parents. In fact, through most of history in societies around the world, children were raised by whole clans. The idea of a two-parent nuclear household is an advent of the past 150 years.
Second, the problem of absentee fathers is not because men are inherently horrible, and do not care about their children. The reason so many kids suffer without a father — and mothers of those children struggle to raise them — is an institutionalized and complex social shitshow that is caused by both genders equally, hurts both genders equally. In summary:
Our society, culture and policy has institutionalized the patriarchial model that men are breadwinners, women are caretakers.
Countless articles bemoan that even educated, high-earning married women do far more child care and housework than their husbands. Why?
One possible explanation for this is that by outearning their husbands, wives worry that they are breaking norms on gender expectations. The same norms are at play for men in female-dominated occupations, such as nursing, who are more likely than other men to do more masculine types of housework like power-hosing the deck or mowing the lawn. Women in male-dominated occupations, such as law enforcement, tend to do more feminine tasks such as cooking and washing the dishes. These men and women are “correcting” for their jobs by asserting their masculinity and femininity through housework.
ALIYA HAMID RAO, in The Atlantic
Now, let's look at separated and divorced families. Only one state, Kentucky, as of 2019, has any laws that guarantee that both parents — mothers and fathers — are guaranteed a presumption of equality when it comes to parenting time. The rest of the states default to the decades' old mantra of best interest of the child which means that both parents are encouraged to fight tooth and nail to prove they are the better parent, the reward for which is majority custody and parenting time.
All the white, straight, rich men (who have benefited for centuries from unpaid at-home wives) overwhelming award mothers primary custody. Dads are relegated to every-other-weekend parttime visitors in their childres' lives — often with unaffordable child support requirements.
Conflict between parents ensues. The less parenting time fairness, and the more conflict, studies show, the less involved fathers are.
The men check out. Fatherlessness ensues. Inconsistent involvement from fathers is tied to every social ill: Emotional and academic delays, low employment, incarceration, addiction, and an increased likelihood of repeating these family patterns.
Are single-parent families whole?
Out now from Sourcebooks:
by Emma Johnson
Featured in Newsweek, MSN, Slate.
What your kids hear when moms say they are the mother and the father
By saying: I am taking credit for being a father, you tell your children:
1. “Fathers are replaceable.”
They are not.
It is heartbreaking that your kids' dad is not an equal parent, but that doesn't mean that his absence is irrelevant.
It's not.
It's a big deal, and your children deserve the honor of feeling sad, mourning the absence of a committed dad.
2. “Men are irrelevant.”
You don't die when you don't have a romantic partner, and your kids don't die when their dad isn't around.
But that does not make men irrelevant.
You have a son, or you have a daughter.
If we are going to teach our children to respect women, we must respect all genders equally.
3. “I am a martyr and you owe me.”
First of all, no one owes you shit, no matter the day of the year.
Second, you kids don't owe you because you raise them.
The makeup of their family, the involvement of each parent, is on those parents.
You do you, raise your kids and stop asking them or the world for acknowledgment.
4. “Your dad sucks.”
He might suck. You might be right.
But don't say that to your kids — directly or passively.
Trust me, I get the temptation.
I've been guilty of saying bad stuff about my kids' dad.
But it is not pretty and you will feel bad later.
26 reasons being a single mom is awesome
5. “Your dad will never be an important part of your life.”
That may be true, but it may not be.
There are many, many examples of parents who checked out of their kids' lives, but re-emerged to be meaningful fathers and mothers.
Maybe they finally get their priorities straight.
Or deal with mental health or financial issues that hold them back from being involved.
Other times, the vitriol of the divorce or breakup subside and make room for healthy co-parenting.
If you establish that Father's Day does not involve your kids' father, you close that door of hope.
Instead, you do what you can to raise those gorgeous children.
It may mean welcoming in other male figures (even if their dad is actively involved — it is impossible to have too much love for our kids!).
Related: When to introduce your boyfriends to your kids — or have him sleep over?
It may mean growing your community by way of friends and neighbors and other bonds that make life full and happy, and help your children know that life is abundant with love — as much love as they are willing and able to accept.
Even if the love does not come from the people whom you crave it from most, there is indeed more love than you, your kids, or even their dad, can fathom.
Your kids and you get to celebrate your love for each other in May. On Mother's Day. [Happy Mother's Day to you, you incredible single mama!]
Until then, I wish all the fathers — biological, surrogate, foster, step, unofficial, official, absent, part-time, incarcerated, and otherwise — a very happy Father's Day.
Maybe you are opening a power tool and crappy popsicle stick framed pic of your kid, and enjoying a regular ol' Sunday with them.
Or, not at all. But in some way you made a contribution, and if you are like a huge portion of dads in this country who do nowhere near your share:
I believe you can do better. I believe you will do better.
And whenever you're ready to step up, please, please do. It's never too late.
Wtf is this? This is absolutely trash, incredibly anti women. Who actually follows what you write? . For many reasons and yes if it’s addiction, incarcerations, abuse whatever it is .. mom does both.. happy f ing Father’s Day MOM. Stealing the light? On a comment I read? Stealing… ahem quite presumptuous, since in many situations dad simply does not want a part in it.
This page needs to be taken down.
This article is total bullshit. I willingly shared custody with my ex husband because I was told it would be better for my kids. They both flunked out of high school due to his lack of parenting and boundaries while I was the earner and supported him the entire time. He did not have their best interest in mind and when I tried to show that to child support services it fell on deaf ears until he left our 14 year old daughter home alone for the weekend without telling me and she threw a party as his house. Not only did he not tell me, he gave her way more than food money for the weekend. Subsequently another child got hurt at that party and lost function of her left leg from nerve damage due to passing out drunk on the concrete porch. This young girls dad camped out on his doorstep trying to get justice. I live in CA, and CSS let this happen. I don’t know why this had to happen, but I think CSS is overcorrecting and it has to stop. I felt like they ignored my warnings and now someone else’s child got hurt.
This is straight trash!! Lol this year I will be celebrating Father’s Day (I’m doing the damn thing day)! As single mom this article is a slap in the face to ALL SINGLE MOMMIES.
This article is a slap in the face to all the women who parent completely alone. I will never read your blog ever again and I hope no one else does.
This is absurd and steeped in obvious privilege. The holiday is about recognition. Some moms deserve recognition for both.
I agree 100% what a horrible article you should be ashamed!
This is horrible for all the reasons mentioned and then some. Hold men accountable and give credit when credit is due. In this case, to good fathers and moms who had to be both!
I disagree strongly with this! I will never wish a happy Father’s Day to an absentee father. It takes more than getting someone pregnant to be a father. Happy Father’s Day to all the Single mothers and all the uncles and step up parents etc.!
This is one of the worst articles I’ve read. I didn’t choose to be a single mother and I hold absolutely no resentment towards my children’s father. I am however extremely disappointed in him. I love my kiddos and taking care of them is a fulltime job I gladly do, as I’m sure a lot of single mothers do. Happy Father’s Day out there to all the mommas absolutely killing it, today and every day
Just gonna disagree. Happy Father’s Day to me.
Well you’re just the worst. Found this because I was looking for ideas to start a Father’s Day tradition after many weeks of therapy where we talked about breaking free of this unquestioned heteronormative family schema. My ex was violent and alcoholic. He was arrested and after a lengthy CPS investigation he gave up rights to our son. My trauma therapist who is treating me for PTSD from the relationship, got me to think about making a healthy new tradition which I was so heartened by. Then I read this garbage article. Still going to celebrate Father’s Day. I’ll make a small toast to not being stuck in your worldview.
Ew. You could have literally not said any of this.
And you are part of the problem. It’s funny how much data backs up this line of thinking yet some people are just so narcissistic they care about their own feeling more than their children’s outcome. Pathetic.
What? Somehow you have twisted a stupid little fun gesture like getting your mom a card on Father’s Day and twisted it into some overwrought deep existential drama about motherhood and fatherhood, men and women. Are society is becoming one that desperately needs to cry about EVERYTHING.
Emma,
People seem to be very upset by your article. I did also find it a little triggering….However, I’m not sure you deserve the level of vitriol you’re receiving. I think the aggression is misplaced….I’m a single mom, who has a deadbeat baby daddy. Ultimately, I think you’re right that a mother is not a father. But a good mother can certainly be all a child needs to grow into a happy healthy adult. Research seems to support this. My plan is make sure I have positive male role models in my child’s life.
Research absolutely does not support this. Children raised by a two parent household absolutely outperform children of single parent homes. I do not know where you are getting your information but I can only assume you are looking at studies that support confirmation bias.
I am a single mom and I agree with the sentiments of this article. I am not a father by any means nor proclaim to be. Yes, I have to do more work to support my children on a daily basis. My village is strong and supports my children. Yes their biological father is not present but they have uncles and grandfathers that are. With a lot of therapy and support of the village I have gotten to healthy emotional place – Happy Father’s Day to the uncles, fathers and grandfathers!
So true I hope some learn something, love the unhinged comments from the so call better ones on a relationship, lol, internet trollers should take care of their kids more than their phones.
Thank you for realizing the unique value that only men can add to children’s lives. And just plain getting it.
I dont understand why we shouldnt wish our single mom a happy fathers day if the fathers of the child would step up and play there part of been a good father show there child love attention and affection then we wouldn’t have to wish mother a happy fathers day
I’m glad someone said it! For the single moms trying to steal the spotlight on father’s day….think about what you’re teaching your kids. It only makes you sound entitled. You made your bed, now lay in it. I said what I said.
Emma, you SUCK!!!
Until you have stepped foot in any of our shoes, you should keep your mouth shut.
How could you even be a single mother writing such crap. Get off your high horse and sit your ass on a donkey because you’re acting like a jackass!
Yes she does. Clearly never been an actual single parent-she should change her website name.
Shut your mouth girllll
Happy Father’s Day to all the single moms reading these comments. Ignore this article and know that this is your day too. Anyone who says otherwise can piss right off.
I have to disagree. It’s a tradition for my family. It’s a fun vs shameful way of finding another way to celebrate. Twice the work. Twice the reasons for confetti and ice cream.
The kids can quietly stuff their feelings into their subconscious or we can redirect the festivities.
This is a really heteronormative article. There are lots of different types of families out there, and this only attends to the mom/dad style of family. To say that nobody who is female should be wished happy Father’s Day is really short sighted and reductive.
Some of us are single mother’s by choice. There never even was a dad in the picture and no one to resent. I’m taking the day!
Horrible sentiment. Single mom’s are both parents. Aren’t you a single parent? If not, maybe do not speak on such topics.
My Mom worked two jobs to support 5 kids after my deadbeat father left and never even checked in on us.
I can remember her saying she wasn’t hungry and weighing in at 95 pounds.
I can remember getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and hearing her crying.
You, Emma Johnson, have no idea what you are talking about.
I wish the strongest and most loving woman I have ever know a happy fathers day every year.
I have strong doubts about the mental state of this writer.
Either this is written by a Patriarch behind a female screen name or some suppressed woman suffering from Stockholm syndrome at the hands of a very controlling man.
Emma, you by writing this article have insulted the hard work a mother puts in her child’s life 24/7/365.
Just as a student doesn’t get 100out of 100 from a teacher for doing F’all…likewise a deadbeat dad absentee sperm donor doesnt get the love, respect, recognition and honour of a dad landing on his plate.
I teach my children not to be so nice to other’s that they walk all over them.
I am extremely disappointed with this article of yours
A happy father’s day to all the single moms out there.
X
To those of us who escaped abusive relationships, picked up the slack where these men never acted as a father, never got any support what-so-ever by the other parent or other family, I wholeheartedly disagree. We had to not only pick up the pieces of our lives but make sure it didn’t affect our children. It’s not our fault the perceptive of what a terrible father is. We do double the work, earn all the money, and are the only ones encouraging our children to live wonderful lives. And for that we should get the praise we deserve. Just because YOU are comfortable with co-parenting or YOU didn’t remove yourself from a traumatically abusive situation, doesn’t mean you can dictate who can celebrate being both parents in the family. Shove off!
Happy Father’s Day to all the single moms out there doing what these deadbeat losers refuse to. This article sucks and the comments prove it.
Hmm what about single moms who wanted the ivolvement of the dad, but he left/pays nothing and is not involved at all….and my son comes homes recently saying he ‘hates fathers day’ as he feels left out. Of course, focus on grandpa or WHOEVER he wants. If he picks me, totally fine. I’m not concerned with potentially triggering little boys/men. Your opinion is awful abd triggering. Tone is in line with ‘the mom is manipulative’ and single moms get enough of that. You are not an expert, you should be more cautious.
What if the child’s father has passed away? So yes, my grandson’s mother is both mother and father right now.
Of course she looks like that. One word. KAREN
Wealthy single mommy.. says it all.. I tried reading your article but it was offensive to me and the memories of my family that had single mothers holding it down and raising many children without fathers and also fathers without mothers helping. Not everyone has the support system you have and the education but they make it work.
What about single fathers? We don’t claim Mother’s Day for ourselves. Mainly because we find it disrespectful to the mothers that raised us. But got forbid any of you extend that respect to the real fathers out there. Claiming Father’s Day as a single mom shows the world how bitter and insecure you really are. Grow up for the sake of your kids
I disagree. Being a “real” single mother, I have raised 2 children pretty much by myself. I received child support for one of my children for 6 years out of 18 of $250 a month. Then when they graduated from high school the medical insurance ended as they headed to college.
In my opinion if a parent is getting real financial support of at least half the cost of the child’s need, then they are not single parents. Single means one parent is single-ly supporting a child. A parent receiving $8,000 a month in support is not single, even if the paying parent is not spending time with the child. I average $60,000 a year and the $250 a month I received barely covered groceries. I still had to pay mortgage of $1,400, utilities of $500, general expenses for clothes, food, personal items of about $300(average) and educational cost for private school of $1,000 to $2,000 and $1,000 for summer camps. I made major sacrifices to provide for my children, which is what I’m suppose to do. So to give credit to either of them in the form of Happy Fathers day is an insult to me playing the role and unjustified to them for their refusal to step up and be fathers. So… Happy Father’s Day to me!
I find your point of view hurtful and unnecessary.
Happy Father’s Day to EVERY single mother who has to pull double duty! I DGAF what your opinion is… We all deserve recognition on this day, as well as MOTHER’S DAY! We (I) did all the things he should have done but, he literally said he couldn’t be a father!! We were married 7 yrs… With 2 kids and NOW you figure this out?? FU I’m taking credit!!
The father of my friends child died when she was a year old and she does celebrate him as dad on fathers day but she isn’t a single parent. She is the ONLY parent now. And I will respectfully disagree with you and continue to wish her a happy father’s day while acknowledging her child’s father
Mothers have a mother’s day. This is not rocket science. Don’t have a loving father in your life? Don’t celebrate father’s day. How is this tough to understand? Many single mothers have run off their kids’ fathers on purpose. It’s not hard to do really. Take him to court, claim maltreatment, sue for as much Alimony and Child Support as you can, claim abuse, sue for sole custody, sue for ownership of his entire house, and leave him with absolutely nothing but the very real struggle to make those lofty payments wile barely scraping by in a studio apartment. And then tell the kids that the reason daddy isn’t around is because he’s a deadbeat dad (while you all enjoy the house he paid for). So yeah, thanks to the legal system, a great many single dads can never be a father or enjoy father’s day. So yes, I will advocate for Father’s Day never being for the mother because no good mother would ever do this to the father of her own children.
Both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are what you make them. There is no gender neutral Parent’s Day (yet?) even though society in 2019 is increasingly moving away from defining roles by gender. If we’re so fortunate to have children and they’ve been blessed with gratitude in their hearts to want to celebrate us, who the heck cares when they do it, or how pubically. Parenting is challenging enough. Saying when or how we’re allowed to celebrate is essentially just another way of holding one another down, when we could be lifting each other up. A woman celebrating Fathers Day obviously doesn’t take that day away from male parents, just as a man celebrating mother’s day doesn’t take that day away from women.
For me, I was raised with an amazing, irreplacacle Dad, so I definitely value and have the utmost respect for the father role. Now, I have a sweet little boy who does not have a father. He had a birth father, but that man did not wish to be involved as a parent, which is completely fair and completely within his rights and his reproductive freedom. My son and I are a happy, very complete family with a lot of love. And though I am a woman, I will assume a role that has similarities to the roles both mothers AND fathers play in a two parent household. I would be honored if my little boy grows up with the love and gratitude in his heart to want to celebrate me beyond just Mother’s Day. (But that’s up to him!) There is NO way I think this gives him the message that fathers are replaceable or that he doesn’t need to be a responsible father if he has children someday. On the contrary, I think it shows him that every occassion to show love and gratitude to those who love us is worth making the most of. Which will only make him an even more amazing parent, if he someday chooses to be one.
Emma you are an idiot! My dad gave up his rights when I was 6 months old. Your situation might be different but everyone’s is. My mom raised 3 kids with no child support or help from my sorry donor. Think about things before you write a ridiculous article
Why are the other comments salty? Lol if there’s no father figure in the picture then just celebrate Mother’s Day. You’re the mom. Whether you’re taking on double duty it doesn’t make you a father too, it just means you’re taking on more as a MOM.
This whole article is absolutel crap. You can wish a mom happy father’s day if she is the only one doing anything and shame on you for saying otherwise.
Furthermore if she is doing EVERYTHING it absolutely means that sperm donor is a jackass to the highest degree and deserves no recognition AT ALL.
This is just my personal opinion. Not saying you were right not saying you’re wrong… but…..
You should probably look outside of your own personal opinion before you make a bias article claiming to have valid information on why/ how/ what people think, do, and feel. Feels like you pulled this one out of your ass. Try asking 100 single mothers and I bet majority of them would have no problem getting appreciation and recognition for the hard work they sacrifice for their kids.
Did you even try to get others opinions or did you write this completely relying on your own “wealthy single mother” mentality??! This is what’s wrong with the majority of the people that classify themselves as rich and wealthy. The more money they get the more ignorant one becomes to having empathy. Actually stepping out of your own shoes and mentally placing yourself in someone else’s must be a cheap eat…. Marketed to the poor it seems.
I disagree.
When they had us making Father’s Day cards at school one day, I chose to address it to my mother – despite my teacher pushing me to address it to some other male figure in my life (and good on her for trying, there just wasn’t anyone that close to me). It said “Happy Father’s Day, Mum”. :)
When I was a child, I didn’t even want another parent. I just wanted more of my mother – there wasn’t quite enough of her to go around.
There was no grandparent coming over and helping out. She even babysat, taking care of even more children, to help make ends meet. She wasn’t pulling double duty. She was pulling quadruple duty.
People can do as they please in their own families. Maybe they have multiple parental figures of the same sex and want to spread the love out… be that two parents or grandparents/uncles/aunts.
My mother never claimed Father’s Day for herself, her children gave it to her.
And I think that’s beautiful, don’t you?
I’ve given her father’s day gifts, as well – that’s when the power tools are on sale! Sometimes Mother’s Day has been a “wait for the Father’s Day gift” – if I don’t have multiple gifts that year, heheh.