Mention the fatherless epidemic in the United States, and the arguments are polarizing. We hear things like “Father refuses to see child” or “Father not involved in child’s life.” These issues can be especially thorny during the holidays.
It’s easy to fall into stereotypes about deadbeat or indifferent dads, but I discovered the issue is quite complicated:
Father not involved in child’s life? A look into why fathers walk away after divorce
It is either:
- Men are irresponsible douchebags who abandon their children to mothers, who are left to raise the children with few resources, or …
- Women are conniving, malicious, entitled nut-jobs who alienate fathers from their children while taking all said fathers' money — all of which is supported by the family court system.
However, as we unpack in this article, the real reasons are more complicated, complex and human. Men after all, are marginalized as inferior or at least secondary parents, a fact that is codified in family court when mothers are nearly always granted primary time with children — a power position that means men and dads are officially a lesser parent.
Read: My advice to moms and dads whose other parent is not involved
Why do fathers give up?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children, for reasons including:
- Sexist culture that does not value or support dads, or prime boys to grow up to expect to be involved, meaningful parts of their children's lives
- Family and divorce courts that favor mothers=
- Parental alienation, in which one parent turns the kids against the other parent
- One dad's compelling story about why he doesn't see his kids (keep reading)
- Many dads don't believe the child is theirs or were tricked into fatherhood, or otherwise felt they did not decide to father the child.
853 reader comments and counting on this post tell a story about how prevelant fatherlessness is, how passionate people feel about its reasons and results — and how varied and nuanced those reasons can be.
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How can a father walk out on his child?
After studying this issue for the four years I've had this blog, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced. Men walk out on their child for many reasons, including:
- They never wanted to be a dad in the first place but were trapped
- They have been marginalized by our culture and court system to every-other-weekend parents, which is more painful than walking away and starting a new life that promises more joy
- Conflict with the child’s mother is too difficult to navigate
- They feel unworthy of parenthood, and feel like walking away is the best thing for the child
- The father never had a strong father figure, does not feel competent as a dad nor understand how important his role is.
Not sure where your child's father is — or you are looking for your dad? TruthFinder offers background checks, reverse phone lookup, address and phone number search. A+ rating on the BBB.
A father's experience with parental alienation
What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
These stories resonate with me, as they have challenged my earlier, blind admonishments that every parent has a moral obligation to fight for their children, no matter what.
I still believe this, but I also believe in empathy, and for recognizing each other's humanity.
Here is one story from a reader, John G:
Point of view from a dad who doesn't see his child
From my own experiences, I believe it's widespread for women to use children as a weapon to exact revenge against the ex during, and after, divorce proceedings.
During my lengthy divorce, my ex-wife claimed I was abusive, that she was ‘afraid for her safety,’ and tried to get ‘supervised visitation.’
None of it worked, because it wasn’t true, and because, as an educated professional I had enough money to spend six figures on an attorney.
However, it was still a waste of time and money. Even after the divorce, the games continued.
My son was being tutored on what to say to me (did you ever hear a 7-year-old respond ‘I’m not comfortable talking about that’ when asked a question?) and being instructed to call me by my first name and not ‘dad.’ I grew tired of making phone calls that weren’t answered, or of being put on hold and the child not coming to the phone, and of canceled visits.
It was heartbreaking seeing the child slip away from me, little by little.
I went to court on several occasions. There is the assumption that the man will just sit there and take the abuse because he does not want to lose the child.
She stuck by the letter of the law, and was able to severely limit my contact with my son by way of orders of protection and maintaining to the courts that he was a ‘danger.’
Related: This is the real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids
Orders of protection as divorce strategy
Of the divorced, professional men that I know, all of them had orders of protection against them by their wives.
This is even a problem that is recognized by the courts. Some attorneys go so far as to admit that the ‘afraid for my safety’ issue is part of the ‘gamesmanship of divorce.’ I went from the mindset of being a father to the child, to being reduced to the status of a ‘visiting uncle’ or a ‘Disneyland dad’ allied with thinking all the time like an attorney.
I was often worried what would happen if she started to make untrue claims that I had (for example) abused the child. When he fell over and scraped his arm when he was with me, I was advised by my attorney to go to all the trouble of going to the doctor, having the scrape bandaged and so on, just to legally cover myself in case she would claim that it had in fact been intentionally caused.
While on the lookout for anything that could be used against me, all the while constantly being told I was a bad person, a bad father, and all my involvement with my son was systematically stripped away. The whole process became a painful sham.
Where to find the best, affordable life insurance for single moms (no medical exam) in 2023
Father refuses to see his child? Not quite …
I eventually reached a crossroads with four paths. Some men commit suicide because they can’t handle the anguish. Others resort to violence and anger against the ex-wife. Others take the difficult road, and sacrifice years of their happiness, battling on a hopeless battle with the ex, just to maintain some sort of contact with the kids. The fourth way, is to simply give up, and decide that the cost to the child through seeing the conflict, and to oneself, is too high.
I considered all the above paths for a long time and was tempted by more than a few of them. In the end, I walked away from all contact with my child more than two years ago.
What to do when the non-custodial parent doesn't show up or cancels last minute
Mother keeping child away from father
After I had calmed down, I tried again and contacted the ex. I had hoped she would have calmed down and would be willing to work with me.
But no, she is still the same bitter and vengeful baggage that she always was. Rather than attempting to discuss things and put things on the right track, she is willing to communicate in writing only.
She refuses point blank to let me contact the child. Everything has to go through her.
Some people will say it would be the noblest thing to carry on fighting regardless. ‘I would do anything for my kids!’ they spout.
Frankly, I feel that’s very naive and is almost always a view propagated by women.
Any father here who has been generously granted a weekend every two weeks knows the feeling when you say goodbye.
You’re just getting used to having them around, and they are gone. It’s like having a wound that never heals. Like a band-aid being ripped off over and over. The pain never really went away.
During those days, I used to recall these lines from Shakespeare's King John:
Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;
Logically, I have to balance the damage to myself, my life and mental health, the possibility of the conflict damaging the child, against the damage done by my absence.
People who don’t know the situation raise their hands in horror, or pass judgment, assume that this is a choice that is taken lightly and easily. It is not.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. Sometimes I see children in shops that look like my child and find it hard not to break down.
Sometimes I can’t take my eyes away. Even the shoes are the same. I don’t like to watch movies with children of that age in them.
I had to remove all the photographs that I had of my child and every other item and put them in a box. And that’s where all those emotions are now.
In a box, held tightly under control, so that I can try and enjoy some semblance of a normal life. It usually works.
I spoke to my ex recently. She claims that the child is just fine. She doesn’t seem to think that I’m needed and believes that my seeing the child is a bad thing.
She told me that the gifts I had been sending postally were in a box and he never got them. What is the point of trying? Who am I to argue?
She lives with the kid and does the real parenting. All that I could do, once a month or less (she lives a long way from me) would be to visit for a shallow shared visit, a museum trip perhaps – that’s not parenting – that’s just being a Disneyland dad.
I am in despair that many people and the courts expect the impossible. They expect the man to be totally interested, committed, involved with his child’s life – and yet – they make it impossible for that involvement to happen.
How can you remain interested and involved when you are given no information about the child’s everyday life, when even the most basic contact is made difficult or impossible, when you are limited to four days a month contact time if you are lucky?
In far too many cases, the father is merely viewed as a source of income.
The mother is viewed as the ‘real parent’ who almost always gets physical custody of the child. And once she has the child, she is then almost entirely free of the threat of any consequences.
Related: What is parental alienation?
Impact on a child’s life when a father isn’t involved
This is a great shame for the children involved who will probably be involved in divorces of their own or be afraid of marriage because they have seen the consequences when they fail.
I shouldn’t be surprised if more and more men eschew marriage and traditional family values over the next century.
Personally, I refuse to be blackmailed by my better instincts. I refuse to be reduced to the level of a Disneyland dad by some judge, attorney, social worker or indeed his mother.
I refuse to beg for access, or beg for photographs, or ask permission when I can please take him on vacation.
No. They will have no more of me.
One day, I will be able to get in touch without going through her once the child is old enough. Until then, I intend to get on with my life.
Please listen to Terry Brennan, co-founder of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, explain why default every-other-weekend visitation leads to absentee fathers:
Note that in cases where ‘standard’ visitation is awarded — every-other-weekend — fathers become depressed and non-involved, and within 3 years, one study found, 40 percent of children in an unequal visitation arrangement had lost complete touch with their non-custodial parents, which are nearly always the father.
Have a listen:
Bottom line: Father not involved in child’s life? Try to make co-parenting work.
If you are tempted to turn your child against the other parent, or not sure what is the best kind of parenting time arrangement, keep it simple, and equal. In fact, there are now more than 60 studies that prove that equally shared parenting is best for children (and, moms and dads!).
While we're at it, have a read about why a simple, fair 50-50 shared parenting time with no child support is the best, fairest, and most feminist arrangement.
To prevent this kind of trauma, here are some tips to how to make co-parenting work:
- Accept that mothers and fathers are equal. This is a gender equality issue
- Accept that just because the other person doesn't parent like you do, that is not abuse.
- Let him fail, succeed and find his own parenting style. Many dads become better fathers after divorce because they have to.
- When communicating with him, use ‘your house' and ‘my house' … not ‘Home.' Same when you address the kids – “daddy's house” and “my house.” Both places are their homes..
- Keep him posted on matters large and small. Even if he doesn't show up for the teacher meetings, or make the doctors’ appointments, keep him abreast of what is happening with the kids.
- Buy him holiday and birthday presents on behalf of the kids.
But the bigger challenge is to change our culture, from one in which it is presumed that fathers are incompetent, and mothers are the default primary parent. Terry Brennan of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, and an equality activist. Listen to our podcast conversation:
For more on co-parenting communication, and reasons for better shared parenting, read: Co-parenting rules–even with a difficult ex
What do you think? Are you a dad who no longer sees his kids? Why? Please share in the comments …
Or, are you the mother of a child with an absentee father? What is your response?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children.
After studying this issue for years, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced, and there is plenty of legitimate room for both of these points of view. What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
I am a grandmother to a child whose parents are divorced. I love my grandchild and used to spend time with her every week including her spending several nights with me each month. Since the divorce it is a struggle to see her once ever 3 or 4 months. I call every week, send letters and packages in the mail. My daughter in law who has custody has many excuses why “it’s not a good time for a chat or a visit”. She won’t even allow me to babysit when she has other things on her schedule and cannot take the child. The “forced estrangement” has been very Sad and painful.
I was a responsible father. A vicious game played by the ex wife to get as much money out of the father that the courts allow while supporting the collution that the father is no good. Money unfairness aside, my adult kids have divorced me. They have stopped responding to text and calls. One has asked me not to attend her wedding because its uncomfortable. But they didnt seem to mind me being in their life when I was paying for college, a car or student loans after graduation. The well was poisoned at seperation. Its been 18 years since the divorce. The mother-child bond is naturally too strong to have a chance. Time to give up on the adults kids and move on.
This is my situation to a tee. I have a bitter ex wife who has been making it extremely difficult to see my children since our divorce over 3 years ago. It started by not giving the phone to the kids when I would call or hanging up the phone repeatedly when I call. I would have scheduled visitation and at the last minute, I would get a text saying they were sick or being punished. I eventually stopped taking excuses and would would insist on my visitation being honored. It has escalated this year. After my wife and I got a new house and my ex’s alimony ended, my ex made an accusation that I abused my children and was granted a protective order. This protective order prevented me as well as my family from having contact with my kids for almost a month. Despite the acussations being proved false, by virtue of this woman saying she was “scared” I was not able to see my kids almost a month. This order was based on a forged note allegedly written from my kids but civil courts don’t have to prove that it is true, just the person is scared which prevents fathers’ from seeing their kids. Luckily I was able to afford a lawyer but even then I was only able to negotiate “supervised” visits. And get this, the supervisor is my current wife. My ex wanted to make it where my wife’s life was impacted as well. It is important for people to hear these stories and know what is really going on. Kids are coached what to say. In the forged note, my 10 year-old said he was “emotionally scarred”. What 10 year-old talks like that. Mine doesn’t. People are very quick to judge a situation in which the fathers aren’t in the children’s life. I was mentored kids until my time became consumed with getting access to my own kids. I too questioned how a father could not be in their kids lives but I totally understand now. IF I wasn’t able to to hire lawyers, I would not have any access to my kids. The laws in this country allow many mother’s to use kids as weapons, ultimately doing causing them lasting emotional harm.
Fathers can be daft, I am the grandfather, my son in law left suddenly we were aware he had changed behavior, but it was a surprise when my daughter with a broken foot that day and a 6 month old and 2.5 year old was left at 11 30 pm breastfeeding without any actual explanation,. he didn’t return and met for two hours in two weeks, stating it was her fault ! and the house wasn’t clean enough. and she was asking him what was wrong all the time.
In fact he was having an affair, staying away 3 days a week for 8 months, and had just decided to return to single life. He kept the pretense through mediation till discovered, for 9 weeks.
But he wanted access to the children every other weekend, ok so they went to his mothers for 4 hours, difficult as breastfeeding and he broke into the house to raid for papers somewhat alienating himself, demanded half the home she bought with her fathers money, and 104000 pounds with a clean break, exceeding all capital she had , however she earned 23000 after tax and him 66000 after tax, their total capital ends up as 300k after mortgage
it was impossible after he stopped paying food hle council tax and had taken refunds to the day of leaving for her to manage.
So she filed for financial remedy.
He clammed up, on a pickup where he and his mother refused to say where they were taking the children and he filmed her reaction, he reported her to the police for a false report of assault,
dropped by police as she just pushed the phone from her face.
he then spent and spent 125000 in 18m
65000 cc 35000 car 18000 bachelor pad and holidays with girlfriend, so his outgoings to loans matched his income, and his what assets and earnings he has.—
the court seems pretty powerless,
he all the time continued access every 2-3 weeks demanding longer hours or overnights pretty impractical with a baby.
the contact wasn’t regular enough to maintain a relationship he had every contact he asked for but his life got in the way.
Now he is bringing action for full weekend contact from 2 with his girlfriend 10 years younger no children as the cares at his 1 bed city 10th floor bachelor pad,
1.5 hours travel.
each way.
regular visits frequently ins essential to the well being of the children who rarely mention him but genuinely enjoy the visit but are disturbed at night after for three days,
he comes he disappears, better not to come at all is my opinion,
if he cared he would support them financially.
he genuinely cant see he has done anything wrong and the wife is all at fault, how do you break through that.
and she has to sell the family home now as the children start school.
I watched a most atrocious example of this tragic situation with my ex fiancé and his son. He was a beautiful, kind and loving father to him and his ex wife trashed him for ten years in and out of court. He has not seen or spoken to his son in over four years. To say it was heart breaking is a gigantic understatement.
My ex husband is doing this to me over our 13 year old daughter as well. He tells her things like I was happier before I had her. He convinces her to keep a journal of every time we argue and she does. He tells her I have anger issues and that it’s not normal to argue with your mom. I could go on and on ad nauseum but you all get the point. She’s going to live with him at the end of the school year – in a different town. I’m afraid, after seeing that there is no protection against this type of abuse for either the child or the targeted parent, that this is the beginning of the end of my relationship with my daughter.
Again – heart break doesn’t begin to describe the situation. I have been fighting to try to prove myself a decent parent for 10 years. I’m tired. I’ve stopped believing in any kind of higher power. I can’t do it for much longer.
My heart goes out to all targeted parents. It’s not right.
I was scared of my daughter going to live with her father. I knew that over time that l would be deleted from her life, after only one year of living with him she stopped all communication. It has now been a heart breaking 3 years since l have heard from her. It started with him telling her l was mentally unstable and l should not cross her boundaries. Giving a hug if she did not want it was me abusing her and trying to be controlling, if l entered her room or had conversations for more then 10 minutes l was mentally abusing her. Ever aspect of being a parent was slowly changed into me being a horrible parent, l was not able to have a voice or opinion. How is hugging a child abuse ? Not only did her father convince her of this, but his whole family supports and reinforces this value system…Iam only one person against an a large group of influencers the effect her life on a daily bases…? Every day is a struggle, my heart is crushed and lam exhausted. I miss her, yet lam afraid that anything l do will reflect badly on me…Narcissist never stop controlling you now matter how much you try, the only have one goal at all cost to ruin your life…He promised that and has followed through
Yes, targeted parents can be the mother or the father. It is not specific to the fathers, although it is more prevalent for women to engage in parental alienation. I think what this father describes is the experience of an exasperated targeted parent. He describes the experience of every targeted parent — male or female. I think that his idea that it is because he is a father is misplaced blame. Really, it is a dynamic of parental alienation and domestic violence that he describes.
Being in almost the same position as this man.
My daughter is 5 and I haven’t seen her in years. Last tome she was 6months old right after court order child support. ( mother keeps her away and moves constantly and courts don’t do a thing ) police don’t enforce court orders for the father yet it’s kidnapping if I did it.
To those that may also be what I did was-
I have opened an email for my daughter and email her on occasion (I.e. – when it’s a holiday, birthday, her brother was born and Disney trip she missed yet wished she was there )
With technology the way it is today it’s only a matter of time before she reaches out to me and I’ll give her the email and password and show her I did care and tried many times but am open to a relationship now if she is….
Dad loves you Lacey where ever you are.
I have a daughter, 11, when she was born I took care of her, as my back preventd me from working, the mother was happy as she thought motherhood was , in her words, boring. I liked being a stay at home dad. I did this for four years until we moved back to my exs native country. the grandmother took over, or tried to. She was abusive, verbally abusive to our daughter, my ex hated her native land and went badk to the usa. I moved put and saw my daughter almost daily. every weekend, she came to my place, this went on for four or five years. The ex came twice in three years. Cheated with best friend, with other men, finally married a psychopath. She began asking that our daughter move back to the states, I asked and daughter , obviously, missed her mom and needed a mom, so she went, before she went ther wer promises of being able to see her anytime, to call anytime, as soon as she went, everything switched , she was never available, the ex began namecalling, not answer g sms, no, not twenty a day, four a week, maybe…she began threatening child support arrears that didnt exist. When will I see her, I can come in March, shes busy. April, busy. Summer vacation? we arent comng Eventually that summer I was served custody. I thought of fighting, with no money, talking to my daughter became odd, like I was speaking to an adult . I asked why she was doing this, where will it stop. You know where and how to stop all of this. Giving full custody? Ill raise child support until passport is suspended, until you hurt. Sign away parental rights? I thought Id never do this, but thought of my daughter in a custody battle that never ended. I signed and cry almost daily. A daughter I raised has legally disappeared. This pain is too much.
I am the Dad of 7 and 4 year old girls. Military member married to a family friend for 8 years. I worked my butt off to provide. Within the last year and a half, mom wanted to finally work and be independent. I supported her completely and within a month, she had a new boyfriend. She wanted to take the kids from the house but I fought it. She was gone for two months where I had to figure out everything on my own as a single dad. And I did. Mom returned by saying she felt unsafe in the home and I was a drunk. Never have I had any issues with alcohol and even got evaluated on my own free will. A couple of drinks to help with sleeping was a better option than sleeping pills that would completely put me in a state unable to function (doctors words, not mine). We also only had two real arguments in 8 years. Judge denied her two requests for immediate custody. Interim order stated we get 50/50 and i pay her $1,000 in child support and even more on the 2 months she willingly quit her job and was living with her boyfriend. In the last month I was forced to agree to pay her $20,000, along with nearly $30,000 in benefits, keeping all marital debt, over $12,000 in lawyer costs, while losing more time with the kids. It would have cost me way more if actually going to trial. They absolutely love being with me and we do a LOT together to include daily activities, girl scouts, sports, ballet, fishing, camping, attending daddy daughter dances, cooking classes, family video games, making and selling ice cream, archery/gun range time, board games, and my favorite of teaching them how to clean up after themselves… things they love. Wish I was even slightly exaggerating about this list. I am there for every activity, especially when mom has used the excuse she has to work at her minimal paying job, she could easily get a higher paying job but why when I am shelling out so much from my primary military job and 6 side gigs (bartending, uber, lyft, turo, instacart)? I have felt victim to the court system and understand where this other dad is coming from in the article. I have cried for days on end through this process of well over a year. The past 3 days I didnt have the kids I had to ask my boss to come to the house because I was crying uncontrollably and could not leave. I know I am still grieving. I am to the point I cannot afford to do anything but free activities with the kids. Which is fine, they love just being with me and dont need to be lavished but they are missing out on so many opportunities. Mom says they dont need to be a part in any after school programs, especially since they ‘interfere with her time’. I know there are crappy men out there… I am not one of them by any means except I will do anything to provide for the girls. But, I am worn out. Im tired. I know the feeling of the 4 option crossroad all too well. Right now the 4 year old has a 101.1 temp, first time they have been sick. No clue what I am doing on this one. I have work in a couple hours and have already missed a lot of time from work. Not only from being there for them but the many counseling sessions, classes, and getting them to and from school on time. If I want to still provide and take care of them financially I dont know how many more days I can miss. I dont have a girlfriend around to help as to not confuse the girls, Im doing this all on my own. Just hoping I can keep going. I googled single dad sick kid help and after some tylenol, I ended up here. To the author, I dont blame you at all with your choice. You made the one you felt best for your kid. And it being the most unselfish choice, good job.
Good on you. I’m in a similar position. The pain is real and it doesn’t go away. I’m 4 years in and I have been in pain for so long. Emotionally and financially there is not much left. For women I believe that is the point. You are just a resource of time and money, you are the solution to the problems they have. If she moves, or moves schools it’s just more driving for me, from work to pick him up at school, I’m always sacrificing time and money. She says I can just move if I don’t like it, so I would have to move again. As woman’s rights have increased families and home life had not gotten stronger, it had become more broken. I’m sure a side by side comparison would show a correlation between women’s rights and divorce and kids that don’t have a father in their life. It’s because woman’s rights are not human rights, but rather some sort vendetta against men part or dinner other perception of what can be gained. I have been super dad for years now. It isn’t sustainable. And the mom constantly tells them inappropriate information about me, our tells mostly what I would call lies. It’s hard because besides it bothers me what can I say? Your mom is lying? It is sad seeing them hurting thinking one of the parents doesn’t like the other or that one patent is doing something mean to the other. I hope you hold on as long as you can, it’s not wasted time. But for me it is ending soon.
Like the author says there are 4 responses. I choose to fight but that cost me $150,000 in legal fees. Many men dont have that. Walking away is the most economical, mentally healthy way to deal with it in hind sight. My kids still ended up ignoring me as adults once i didnt have to pay alimony. I am excluded from everything since. So Divorce. Move to Indonesia where US extradition is not honored and marry. Or Brazil. Find a wife and start your life over. Or live in misery. Its ok to persue your own happiness. Just send food and clothing via Amazon :-) to the kids.
I guess I just do not understand some of the responses. There are cases where mothers or fathers do not care about being parents (abortion, adoption, abandonment), other cases when they really, really do want to be parents but the other parent is doing everything to stop them and it is unjustified, and other cases where there is an actual reasons to try and prevent children and mothers/fathers from being together (drug abuse, for example). The story that was presented is focusing on the second problem only. That doesn’t mean concerns about the other problems are not legitimate.
The problem is I know from first-hand experience as the child whose father was prevented access, that the stories men like these are presenting is true. It is harmful to the child for their parents to keep going as they are if one is illegitimately blocking access. The problem is that the custodial parent is the one who is hurting the child, but it seems like the one fighting for the child is causing all of the problems. And if we do not give those fighting some power, all that is left is hurt children (because of the conflict and tge losd of the other paremt). Hurt children become hurt adults. We do need to give those suffering with this power to stop this parental alienation form of abuse.
I feel for these alienated patents! I feel for these children who are being kept away from a loving parent. “The real deadbeat is the woman who keeps a child from a loving father,” (and vice versa).
Wow! What about legitimate, document cases of abuse? Am I still a manipulative witch? My son has spoke to his father once in 4 years. He hates him. He refused to accept any gifts from him. Did I brainwash him? What about the documentation of abuse against me and my son? I defended my ex husband when he broke my arm because I was so afraid of him. This man told me how he was going to kill me.
There ARE cases of child abuse and domestic violence. It’s America’s dirty little secret. Blaming the victim is sick.
We had a protective order for quite a bit. I was stupid. I believed that he was going to change and going to keep going to get help and stop drinking. Holy crap, was I stupid!
Their father deciding to stop seeing was the best thing he ever did for them. I have remarried a kind and loving man who my kids adore. It’s given them time to heal physically but more importantly emotionally.
I don’t care if he never paid me child support again as long as he stayed out of our lives. My kids are scared to death of that man. They have nightmares and panic attacks when he calls, which is once every year or two.
I don’t think everyone is like my ex husband. There are great men and fantastic Dads out there. I married an amazing one. But convincing the public and judges that all cases are parental alienation is dangerous and deadly especially in cases like mine.
Thinking of walking away is a difficult road. My ex and I have been divorced 4 years now. I am recognizing that I am simply only an atm in all of this. Our divorce was rough just like others here. She refused visitation on at least a few times. This all started when he was only 2. There were police encounters when she refused visitation but nothing was done to her. She was the one who was “awarded” the custody. I get only a weekend every other weekend. She doesn’t send pictures, no communication, I’m excluded from school meetings even. We live in different counties many hours apart. She can’t even have him contact me for a once a week video chat. When he does see me he calls me mommy because she’s the only one he’s used to. He refers to his new dad as daddy. I don’t even know where I stand with him. While I know family would say stay the course, I believe I’m on a path to give up. It’s just tormenting to see what’s occurring. Not only that, it’s an undue hardship in my life of having to drive hours to see him, only to pick him up, spend one day with him, then have to drive hours to drop him back off. It seems I’m on this never ending grind of this cycle. I too, believe I’ll be walking away, because for him, it’s just not worth seeing him go through all of this and then try to maintain my own sanity which now even seems limited through all the chaos, failed communication, and never ending driving.
My 14 year old son blocked me in September , after a long year of fighting with the hospital . As he had Cancer and my ex did a good Job of turning my son against me while playing happy family’s with his new girlfriend . She even was allowed to live at the hospital while I was given no support I have zero family. And i was alone fighting for my son to recover and fighting to keep him at home with me where he had always beeen. I’m in Truma deeply hurt angry let down. I’ve tried everythin to get him to come home. My ex don’t even contact me he hasn’t used my son to send messages what are for adults to discuss. My ex has never payed for his child and left me years without no support my son would go to my ex’s mums to have more of a routine I never tried to keep my child away from him or his family. Soon as my son got ill and then seen money signs and a free disabled car and buying my son with gifts to get him to stay with them. My son now has completely disowned me after his treatment . I’m so hurt beyond hurt I wanted to take my own life how could my child do this? Yes I know his father and all his family provide him with stuff I can’t but what about my love and his brother?? What about all these years I’ve struggled to give u what I could. What about the 4 busus and 4 hour bus drive to hospital with a 5 year old and getting home lat every nite while u was in hospital . I was made to leave as I never got supported. And the hospital denied me staying and my ex and his partner was staying I was alienated from my son when he needed me the most . My ex never tried to take custody before so now my sons 14 and my ex is being a goof father I’m just what?? This is the worse pain of my life I don’t want to breath without my kids. Now I can’t even text my child . My other child is suffering I can’t get a lawyer what else is there left?? No body cares
Excellent article by the author I completely agree. I too have had to draw the line in the sand. I have two kids boy/girl two separate mothers. They both are using the court against me to keep my child away. It is a deep pain like no other. It cuts life a knife. But somehow I must find joy and go on with my life. They both have me blocked from calling and I have no clue where they live. And I’m paying a hefty child support for both and yes I have weekend visitation in place. Still no luck.
Im a single mother. I had my 1 year olds father move out because I got really tired of his picking on me, financially using me, paying all the household bills and everything for the baby alone. Its as if he was with me just so I could support him. He blamed me for everything that would go wrong in his life, cheated on me before I was pregnant and while I was pregnant, hit me various times and in front of his other child. He has multiple kids from multiple woman. He recently started seeing someone and he allows her to answer my calls and texts when I ask for help with the baby. I have stopped reaching out and he has stated he cannot deal with me insulting this person he is seeing so he is giving up all rights and I should file the paperwork for this and send it to him to complete. Most recently, I believe he is engaging in drugs and is homeless thanks to the female he is running around with who has lost custody of her child. He does not pay childsupport and does nothing for my child but has that female text me insults and say I was a regret to him. I am no longer communicating with him since it is pointless. He wants to be a bum and chase this easy girl around. I believe he is sellig and doing drugs now, as well. It is a sad situation. My child is learning to speak and often cries out Dada. His sibilings and parents do not help or contact me about the baby.
They are worse than there son.
He is a disgrace and thinks he is so happy with this bum easy female now and has no time or care for his child. Before this female came in the picture, he would ask to see the child weekly but it would be when he didnt have other plans. Basically, my child was a second option when his bum friends of the females he was begging to be his girlfriends were too busy for him. He would not financially contribute or help with any of the childs needs. I am at a loss for words here and regret having him leave because now my child is the one to suffer a life without a dad and all children need a mom and dad.
I am so sorry we are both suffering the same faith. I sit and cry because I want this sorry man that could care less about his daughter. My baby just turned 4 he has been in and out of her life all the way. I try to keep in contact with him for her but he is not interested. He also has a drug addiction and a drug addict girlfriend who hates my daughter and she stated that my baby isn’t his. I believe she is being geared by him. He won’t never admit it but when I say let’s get a blood test done he tells me I know she is mine. But he makes no effort to be in her life. I’m so hurt and I need counseling bad for my baby. What do I do keep trying to make him and continue to be insulted. Please help anyone I’m suffering. I look at other kids with there dads and it breaks my heart that my baby won’t ever have this. If anyone knows of support I can get please let me know
We are not divorced yet but separated. We live several States apart. Despite my encouraging him to come visit our daughter he has only seen her twice in 5 years. He tried calling her for a while. She was angry and didn’t want to talk to him. I actually made her talked to him a couple of times. He stopped calling. We are going to mediation and two weeks. He is flying in for the first time in more than two years. He had made no plans to see our daughter. I pushed him to see her and he is planning to see her for one evening before he leaves. He has sent her childhood things to us. She is now a teenager. He doesn’t want any of her childhood pictures or artwork or clothes. It breaks my heart that he is treating her like this. I feel like he is associating her with me and he is angry with me so he is angry with her. I feel like he should have tried to continue to act like her dad even though she’s resisting. She’s a child he’s an adult. He needs to be strong enough to fight for her. But that’s exactly one of the reasons why we got divorced. He is uncomfortable with emotions his own or anyone else’s. In the end my daughter is the one who is getting hurt the most.
I’m a mother of 2 great kids. I’d give anything for their dad to be a stable part of their life. For them to get to see him and spend time with him clean and sober. I’m so sad that there are so many mothers who use their children as pawns and don’t allow good dads to be a part of their children’s lives. It’s heartbreaking for the kids and the dads.
Today I have decided to leave my daughters life. Our daughter was born in America, but brought to England without my permission by her mother 8 years ago. I spent the last 8 years fighting to be a positive part of her life and have failed. I was not aggressive in court as I felt that the woman I loved and married was mistaken or under the influence of her rather nasty but wealthy family or would she would see that I just wanted to be a good father and whatever had happened between us (I still don’t know) had nothing to do with our little wonder. I would win in court and she would battle away again and again – one particularly bizarre time she defended refusing me access for a year claiming that our daughters bed was not good enough, and later that I was not actually living in my house… It worked, although I won in the courts I was delayed and delayed and delayed. If I fought too hard in court she would get her friends to contact any work places that I would find and harass my bosses till I was fired, she would hire security guards to harass me, this I could handle. However it was when she would send me audio recordings of our daughter screaming crying and yelling about me (when we had not even met for 3 years) that I realised I could not fight in court. Cafcass was alternatively excellent or terrible, once completing a investigation without contacting me and once sending corrections days after the court case had finished. Last year I finally began contact in .earnest, but by then the damage was done. At first she would be full of fear and hide or simply sob, but I broke through and found good times and smiles and happiness, but always in front of a wall of pain. Today my daughter told me she only saw me out of guilt, I told her that we should never do things out of guilt but instead out of love and that she didn’t need to see me if it made her feel bad. I explained that I should never wish to make her feel guilty and that whatever she felt she needed was all right with me. I told her I will always be there for her and always love her, I was positive, loving and kind. I have lost so much, though, I cannot carry the burden any more. I left my home (Colorado) sold my cars, my house, gave up my family, lost my career, damaged my health irreparably, moved 2000 miles to a country that despises me for being an immigrant. Now I am poor, exhausted and broken. I have no future here and today I realised no future with our daughter. Not all fathers are bad and not all mothers are bad, but sometimes people carry the weight of their own childhoods into parenting – I know my Ex’s was dickensian in its pain – and I am sure she is just trying to protect her daughter, but sometimes actions are simply evil.
Believe me your never going to win against a mother’s bond with a chikd, who is basically responsible. She can still lie and play the victim and she owns your kids mind. She’s mom. I cried for a week in grief when i realized i could never win my adult kids hearts. Deep sobs and sadness. Then I met a new love overseas. She really knows how to treat me respectfully and with love. Its true love. Start a new family and get it right the second time. Keep the door open for your other kids but dont have high expectations. Move on and let it all go. Be happy. You only have one life!
I’m seriously considering walking away from my children. Been 8yrs since I left their mother. Her persistent manipulation of the children has led me to bankruptcy fighting legal battles just so judges can call me an idiot. It’s only been getting worse as my daughter gets older. I’ve reached the point where I feel my involvement with my children only causes more problems for them. We live in a system where my money is important but my time is not.
Please dont stop. They need you more than you know. It may appear they dont but they will appreciate it in the long run. My ex and I divorced 3 years ago and I have never tried to stop him from getting the girls. I made it easy for him to get them. I made sure he was informed about every aspect of their life. I had only two expectations (financial help to the best of his ability & spend as much time as he could). He failed at both and gave up on them. Im left confused as to why and its affecting my daughters. Please dont give up on your children
This is very unsolicited advice for the wrong situation. We don’t know your story, and from what it sounds like we are currently facing the same. She manipulated the children for over 10 years. So they are so well rehearsed in saying how their dad is abusive, neglectful, and how their mother is absolutely perfect in court, to the judge, to the lawyers, to any cps worker that gets involved. They have chosen not to visit anymore, and mom sits by and smiles because she knows there is literally nothing anyone can do about it. Court cannot force the hand of a child to get into his dads car, police cannot physically force them, and if he attempts she will call the police. And they’re all 12 and younger, so teenage years aren’t exactly going to be any better easier. After 6 years in and out of court, the damage has been done in the children’s mind of being brainwashed and were ready to walk away.
I just needed to get this out. I divorced partway through a military career with four kids. My Ex left me when i deployed to go overseas. I knew things were rocky and we had worked to patch things up but i didnt know she was going to have a moving van at my place the day after i left and also boyfriend lined up. When i found out i was devistated. I vowed to do everything i could to be part of my kids lives and help to raise them. Three months later she had moved 3000 miles across the country without letting me know. My duty kept me stuck but I had sporaic trips and contact over the next few years, they were still excited to see me on all of my visits. I took orders I didnt want to be close to them. She came to visit once and wanted to get back together, as much as I loved my kids it just wasnt possible, there wasnt anything emotionally left for her, and as much as I wanted to be a family it wasnt the right choice and would do more harm then good. After a discussion and I told her, she woke up my kids out of their beds that night and drove off without me even saying goodby. She remarried, he’s a nice guy. When i finally got to the same geographic location as them it was even more difficult. I had to deal with “vactions” during my court appointed weekends, times changed at her whim, my phone calls went unanswered for days, weeks. For a while i still made it work. Facebook was great, summer visits, taling them to see my relatives, then things changed again. She moved 9 hours away, she rarely met me partway or worked with me on visits. My kids talked like robots, once proactive boys seemed more distant, their answers scripted, hesitation, stiffness, and looks to mom when i came to pick them up.
I deployed overseas for two years. The the oldest suddenly unfriended me at 18, one by one they stopped responding on digital media. Other then a call about finances or a health bill no communication came my way. I tired to get word to them i missed them. I planned my trip home. She informed me they all needed new phones but ive only gotten her lone number, all communications stopped. Now on Christmas, I go to call and she says that ive been abusive to them, to my kids! The only thing i’ve thought or cared about over the last 16 years… I never even attempted a serious relationship becuase I wanted all of my free time to go them, and i feel ive lost them anyway. I think they’ve been brainwashed into thinking im a terrible person but I cant even talk to them. My military sevice has made it harder, but her use of my children as leverage has always been present.
Did she finally win? I’m at the point now where everything they do is controlled by her. Maybe one day they will see I still love them.
I think the point of this article is to highlight the abuse of false information. However I do not understand the concept of giving up and how that helps anything at all. I traveled 4.5 years through court misleadings and will do it again if need be.
There is no doubt in my mind some mothers triangulate the courts and abuse the service to serve there selfish entitlements through libel. There are also numerous victims of DV that don’t recieve the appropriate protection because of the generalized standards of our courts or are viewed as a perpetrator because they don’t speak up. Active “good” fathers also fall under a category for minimum standards in involvement. I can confirm how much this can hurt.
All I can really say to this father who decided to step out is, you are a coward trying to validate your actions. You are stepping away from your child using them as an excuse for your own needed self care. Perhaps you dont deserve it after all. If you could step up, be a parent to your child regardless of any inbitterment from a toxic or disfunctional co parent relationship and simply work at diffusing conflict you would receive limitless victory knowing your child has both parents and the other parent hates it.
Cool story bro. You’re an asshole and one of the guys who hurts all of our causes. “Oh I took a dicking lying down so you should too”. And when your kids are 45 and you’re dying and they still don’t give a shit about you, remember your self righteous diatribe here and remember that you did it all for nothing. You’re a coward for submitting to the state run disenfranchisement of fathers. These guys who’ve decided to stand up for themselves are not.
^ this is the best most accurate reply. They literally won’t give a shit about you in contrast to their mother. If they had to choose, they’ll pick her every time.
Good god…what an obtuse generalization. How close do you live to your kids? Does you job REQUIRE you to live states away? How much of you salary goes to alimony (not child support) to a wife that is physically, mentally and vocationally capable to work, but doesn’t…because the $ income she gets from your 80-100+ hour work weeks discourages any gainful employment. How many times have you been to court to fight for you children (while missing work, i.e. income and still being required to pay to maintain another heathly and very capable adult’s life)? How much $ are you in debt from going to court and fighting for your children all those times over and over?
It’s easy to say you won’t give up…all the way up to the point you just can’t go on. I’m happy for you that you haven’t got that point. Get off your soap box and open your eyes. Surely you’re willing to see how many circumstances DO NOT look like yours. That doesn’t make someone a bad dad. Yes…there are a lot of “bad” dads out there. This story doesn’t include one.
I stopped seeing my children for these same reasons. For 5 years I fought for them through the courts and after receiving generous court ordered access, my ex started calling children’s aid to start bogus investigations after every visit. After 8 CAS investigations and bringing the children’s aid to court for harassment on two occasions I have given up. The CAS must investigate every complaint just in case and will never go after someone for false accusations because it will discourage people from coming forward with real issues. So I am done. I wish I stopped earlier as the conflict has been detrimental to me and my children. It’s now been a year and I’d like to say that I’m doing well but that’s not the case. I am currently an inpatient in the mental health ward at my local hospital with a strong desire to end my life. Good luck to all you men out there who are going through similar experiences.
I’m at the same place. The court granted custody to my two sons’ abusive mother and gave me a “fantastic” visitation schedule that can’t be enforced because the mother threatens the kids with punishment if they go with me. They are well into the process of alienation now.
The more I try to be involved in my kids’ lives the more their mother litigates and manipulates the kids. It has to stop. When I try to pick them up they get hysterical because they will be punished if they go with me, either that or they just aren’t there because she already took them in direct violation of the schedule. I still have options left for trying to enforce the visitation schedule, but they are based around punishing the mother for violations and will only heighten the conflict and lead to more pressure on the kids.
So now it has to stop. I and my second wife have done everything we reasonably could to help the kids at the expense of our own health and wellbeing, but the system has its own ideas about what’s in their “best interests”.
I’m not abandoning my kids, neither are the other fathers here. I’m letting go in a tug of war before they get irreparably damaged by their narcissist mother. They’re already traumatised, that much was confirmed by a court-ordered psychological assessment, and I know that their mother is capable of far worse.
She’s abusing my children in this way specifically to get to me, that much is clear. My only hope left is that when I remove that option and feign indifference, she will let up on the kids and turn her attention elsewhere. There is a precedent, it happened much like that a year ago. When the pressure was let off, each of the kids in turn made an “escape” from their mother, refusing to return to her after I picked them up, which ultimately led to the custody case. When my oldest son made his “escape” early this year he was undernourished and on the verge of pneumonia. My wife and I spent more than six months nursing him back to health and preparing him to repeat first grade (he’d been sent to a grammar school a year early, he wasn’t even ready for a regular school and he was failing spectacularly). When my youngest made his escape on his birthday just over a year ago, he told of all sorts of mistreatment – apparently he’d become the scapegoat when his older brother started failing in school. His older brother told a similar story – the roles were switched after little brother came back “home”.
I don’t expect that they will ever try to make another escape, as the mother has now pulled out almost all the stops and due to the custody ruling I wouldn’t be able to take them in anyway – I would be in violation and the authorities would respond to that by shooting first and then shooting some more later. I don’t even expect that they will want to resume contact, since the last few times we saw each other were associated with extreme unease and resulted in punishment from their mother. Over just a few weeks their story has changed from, “Mum will punish me” to “I just don’t want to” and my youngest already started making up crazy excuses and telling me he doesn’t ever remember loving me (internalisation). Now I am likely to be forever associated with that fear and pain, along with whatever other dirt their mother and her family smear me with. I am becoming the embodiment of their mother’s abuse.
Not all alienation/estrangement situations are identical, despite the obvious similarities. Up until recently my kids were resisting their mother’s alienation, they wanted to be free from her abuse and they had something of a way out. Thanks to the welfare services who ignored mountains of evidence and advised the court to give custody to their mother they no longer have a way out and the abuse has quickly become far more insidious than it was during the trial. The only way I can see to make the abuse stop is to take away the target, and ultimately I am that target.
What’s most shocking here is reading the accounts from the UK, US and NZ of draconian court orders and other restraining measures applied blindly to fathers, that sound almost as though they were DESIGNED to facilitate alienation. I thought I had it bad here when by comparison I got a “great deal”. What’s obvious is that without proper intervention, no court-ordered schedules, no matter how generous, will lead to maintained, healthy contact with the non-resident parent if the resident parent is a narcissist.
To all you trolls out there – burn in hell.
I miss mine so bad. It’s been really hard. I just dont understand it at all.
You’re not alone. Stay strong.
My son is not with me, the divorce is not final. But the minute I see him I cry because I know he will not be staying. I feel like our little family, however imperfect, is dead.
People try to comfort me by saying (divorce happens all the time, and “look at the problems other people have”) things that don’t even begin to resonate. I don’t care about those other people. I care about my son.
Please, for those out there who try to normalize this pain, don’t tell the person with grief about how other people suffer too. Just give them a hug. Say that you are there to be their friend. It is bad enough when we lose those we love to death. But my little guy will grow up without somebody who loved him dearly.
The most important part of my life and the most important person is alive and I never get to see him.
Military families make this sacrifice by choice, and God bless them for being willing to have Mom or Dad gone. But a divorce, without one party even being willing to seek counsel is not the same. It is selfish. It is not about the child.
These “no fault” divorces seem great for some. But they are actually cruel when you consider the child. It also sends the message they should want away from vows they made. Sickness/Health, Richer/Poorer….
Best wishes to others feeling pain like I am.
Agatha, you sound just like my ex-mightmare who whined and bitched that we should “co-parent” while she continued to micromanage everyone including me demanding that I run my household like hers. you are truly missing the point about the position we part-time “dads” are placed in by the courts and by the custodial mothers. I was told from the beginning of my divorce that all she wanted was for me to disappear. very indicative of someone who is not capable of compromise, shared decision making, or an adult relationship like marriage: all the reasons why most good dads leave their wives only to be tied to playing the same “uncle” role they did while married. get a clue Agatha. your bitterness and that of all these custodial mothers is the flashing warming signs for young men to find real mature and emotionally stable young women to marry first and then maybe, maybe, have children with.
Wife or husband, mother or father – whoever leaves the marriage for another person loses a lot of their “rights” with the child/children. The child’s home is the home that the child knows as home. If the mother or father shacks up with another person – that home is not the child’s home……It is the home of the new boyfriend or girlfriend and the parent that left to be with the new boyfriend or girlfriend. The child “visits” that home.
I would like a dollar for the times I have known the child to be off “visiting” the parent and their new “spouse” and being told to treat this place like home, treat the new “spouse” as a step mother or father, then the relationship “fails” and the child is just supposed to take in their stride and repeat the same feelings towards the next new “spouse”. It is wrong and it is cruel to the children.
As for the mother having more rights than the father. Well every child knows their mother…..sometimes they have to guess with their father.
yes, sometimes the children do have to guess who their father is.
these “good moms” are so busy spreading em for multiple men on social media, even they cant keep up with it.
I call BS and shame on you for hiding under the mantle of ‘alienated parent’. John G is clearly angry at his wife. But he is allowing his anger to get the better of him in a way that sort of proves her point. He may not be physically abusive but he certainly shows sign of being a narcissistic abuser. For example uses little tricks of language to get you to feel that his choices are the only logical one. For example he very cleverly frames it as if there are only four choices when you ex-wife doesnt like you and uses the ‘letter of the law’ to torment and ‘abuse’ you 1. suicide (interesting how that is named first). 2. Violence (interesting how he names that second) 3. Sacrifice years doing hard battle or 4. Give up. Now given those 4 choices alone, no reasonable person would fault a man for giving up. Except battling with the ex is not a choice between 4 roads. Its more like wandering in the forest. There are infinite paths. And one of those paths is humility. But no.. no way is ‘educated and wealthy enough to afford attorneys but not wealthy enough to move closer to his children so he can get to see them’ John going to be reduced to going to museums and shallow shared visit ordered by ‘some judge’! Why that would be jst being a Disney Dad..and what he wants is to completely and totally enmesh with his son or have no contact at all. And also..if she is going by the letter of the law..then he wants us to think that the the law is also a partner in his ongoing abuse. Except when he has high powered attorneys that are too smart to ‘let her get away with that’. Also he dehumanizes in his language. IE..Who calls their son ‘the child’ over and over..or ‘the kid’? A person who sees him as a pawn, that’s who. That is divorce paperwork talk and anyone who uses it is playing the ‘divorce paperwork’ game. Look John.. when you find yourself at what you see is a crossroad. you swallow your ego, accept whatever the law has given you, enjoy it to the best of your ability, go home, cry in your pillow and then go see a therapist. Can you imagine if, when you were contemplating suicide or violence you decide to let her ‘win’ and humiliate your better instincts and travel ‘far away’ to see your son and take him to the toy train museum and sit through her stupid sunday dinner smiling and hugging him. Even if he cried every time you left he would know that you would be back again and again. And as for the gifts..buy them, wrap them and send them to yourself. That way when he grows up you can show him that you cared. None of these things require that much effort. What it requires is for you to come to terms with what the courts have decided and get on with it. Like million of women who get fucked by professional men every single day re alimony and child support.