Mention the fatherless epidemic in the United States, and the arguments are polarizing. We hear things like “Father refuses to see child” or “Father not involved in child’s life.” These issues can be especially thorny during the holidays.
It’s easy to fall into stereotypes about deadbeat or indifferent dads, but I discovered the issue is quite complicated:
Father not involved in child’s life? A look into why fathers walk away after divorce
It is either:
- Men are irresponsible douchebags who abandon their children to mothers, who are left to raise the children with few resources, or …
- Women are conniving, malicious, entitled nut-jobs who alienate fathers from their children while taking all said fathers' money — all of which is supported by the family court system.
However, as we unpack in this article, the real reasons are more complicated, complex and human. Men after all, are marginalized as inferior or at least secondary parents, a fact that is codified in family court when mothers are nearly always granted primary time with children — a power position that means men and dads are officially a lesser parent.
Read: My advice to moms and dads whose other parent is not involved
Why do fathers give up?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children, for reasons including:
- Sexist culture that does not value or support dads, or prime boys to grow up to expect to be involved, meaningful parts of their children's lives
- Family and divorce courts that favor mothers=
- Parental alienation, in which one parent turns the kids against the other parent
- One dad's compelling story about why he doesn't see his kids (keep reading)
- Many dads don't believe the child is theirs or were tricked into fatherhood, or otherwise felt they did not decide to father the child.
853 reader comments and counting on this post tell a story about how prevelant fatherlessness is, how passionate people feel about its reasons and results — and how varied and nuanced those reasons can be.
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How can a father walk out on his child?
After studying this issue for the four years I've had this blog, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced. Men walk out on their child for many reasons, including:
- They never wanted to be a dad in the first place but were trapped
- They have been marginalized by our culture and court system to every-other-weekend parents, which is more painful than walking away and starting a new life that promises more joy
- Conflict with the child’s mother is too difficult to navigate
- They feel unworthy of parenthood, and feel like walking away is the best thing for the child
- The father never had a strong father figure, does not feel competent as a dad nor understand how important his role is.
Not sure where your child's father is — or you are looking for your dad? TruthFinder offers background checks, reverse phone lookup, address and phone number search. A+ rating on the BBB.
A father's experience with parental alienation
What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
These stories resonate with me, as they have challenged my earlier, blind admonishments that every parent has a moral obligation to fight for their children, no matter what.
I still believe this, but I also believe in empathy, and for recognizing each other's humanity.
Here is one story from a reader, John G:
Point of view from a dad who doesn't see his child
From my own experiences, I believe it's widespread for women to use children as a weapon to exact revenge against the ex during, and after, divorce proceedings.
During my lengthy divorce, my ex-wife claimed I was abusive, that she was ‘afraid for her safety,’ and tried to get ‘supervised visitation.’
None of it worked, because it wasn’t true, and because, as an educated professional I had enough money to spend six figures on an attorney.
However, it was still a waste of time and money. Even after the divorce, the games continued.
My son was being tutored on what to say to me (did you ever hear a 7-year-old respond ‘I’m not comfortable talking about that’ when asked a question?) and being instructed to call me by my first name and not ‘dad.’ I grew tired of making phone calls that weren’t answered, or of being put on hold and the child not coming to the phone, and of canceled visits.
It was heartbreaking seeing the child slip away from me, little by little.
I went to court on several occasions. There is the assumption that the man will just sit there and take the abuse because he does not want to lose the child.
She stuck by the letter of the law, and was able to severely limit my contact with my son by way of orders of protection and maintaining to the courts that he was a ‘danger.’
Related: This is the real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids
Orders of protection as divorce strategy
Of the divorced, professional men that I know, all of them had orders of protection against them by their wives.
This is even a problem that is recognized by the courts. Some attorneys go so far as to admit that the ‘afraid for my safety’ issue is part of the ‘gamesmanship of divorce.’ I went from the mindset of being a father to the child, to being reduced to the status of a ‘visiting uncle’ or a ‘Disneyland dad’ allied with thinking all the time like an attorney.
I was often worried what would happen if she started to make untrue claims that I had (for example) abused the child. When he fell over and scraped his arm when he was with me, I was advised by my attorney to go to all the trouble of going to the doctor, having the scrape bandaged and so on, just to legally cover myself in case she would claim that it had in fact been intentionally caused.
While on the lookout for anything that could be used against me, all the while constantly being told I was a bad person, a bad father, and all my involvement with my son was systematically stripped away. The whole process became a painful sham.
Where to find the best, affordable life insurance for single moms (no medical exam) in 2023
Father refuses to see his child? Not quite …
I eventually reached a crossroads with four paths. Some men commit suicide because they can’t handle the anguish. Others resort to violence and anger against the ex-wife. Others take the difficult road, and sacrifice years of their happiness, battling on a hopeless battle with the ex, just to maintain some sort of contact with the kids. The fourth way, is to simply give up, and decide that the cost to the child through seeing the conflict, and to oneself, is too high.
I considered all the above paths for a long time and was tempted by more than a few of them. In the end, I walked away from all contact with my child more than two years ago.
What to do when the non-custodial parent doesn't show up or cancels last minute
Mother keeping child away from father
After I had calmed down, I tried again and contacted the ex. I had hoped she would have calmed down and would be willing to work with me.
But no, she is still the same bitter and vengeful baggage that she always was. Rather than attempting to discuss things and put things on the right track, she is willing to communicate in writing only.
She refuses point blank to let me contact the child. Everything has to go through her.
Some people will say it would be the noblest thing to carry on fighting regardless. ‘I would do anything for my kids!’ they spout.
Frankly, I feel that’s very naive and is almost always a view propagated by women.
Any father here who has been generously granted a weekend every two weeks knows the feeling when you say goodbye.
You’re just getting used to having them around, and they are gone. It’s like having a wound that never heals. Like a band-aid being ripped off over and over. The pain never really went away.
During those days, I used to recall these lines from Shakespeare's King John:
Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;
Logically, I have to balance the damage to myself, my life and mental health, the possibility of the conflict damaging the child, against the damage done by my absence.
People who don’t know the situation raise their hands in horror, or pass judgment, assume that this is a choice that is taken lightly and easily. It is not.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. Sometimes I see children in shops that look like my child and find it hard not to break down.
Sometimes I can’t take my eyes away. Even the shoes are the same. I don’t like to watch movies with children of that age in them.
I had to remove all the photographs that I had of my child and every other item and put them in a box. And that’s where all those emotions are now.
In a box, held tightly under control, so that I can try and enjoy some semblance of a normal life. It usually works.
I spoke to my ex recently. She claims that the child is just fine. She doesn’t seem to think that I’m needed and believes that my seeing the child is a bad thing.
She told me that the gifts I had been sending postally were in a box and he never got them. What is the point of trying? Who am I to argue?
She lives with the kid and does the real parenting. All that I could do, once a month or less (she lives a long way from me) would be to visit for a shallow shared visit, a museum trip perhaps – that’s not parenting – that’s just being a Disneyland dad.
I am in despair that many people and the courts expect the impossible. They expect the man to be totally interested, committed, involved with his child’s life – and yet – they make it impossible for that involvement to happen.
How can you remain interested and involved when you are given no information about the child’s everyday life, when even the most basic contact is made difficult or impossible, when you are limited to four days a month contact time if you are lucky?
In far too many cases, the father is merely viewed as a source of income.
The mother is viewed as the ‘real parent’ who almost always gets physical custody of the child. And once she has the child, she is then almost entirely free of the threat of any consequences.
Related: What is parental alienation?
Impact on a child’s life when a father isn’t involved
This is a great shame for the children involved who will probably be involved in divorces of their own or be afraid of marriage because they have seen the consequences when they fail.
I shouldn’t be surprised if more and more men eschew marriage and traditional family values over the next century.
Personally, I refuse to be blackmailed by my better instincts. I refuse to be reduced to the level of a Disneyland dad by some judge, attorney, social worker or indeed his mother.
I refuse to beg for access, or beg for photographs, or ask permission when I can please take him on vacation.
No. They will have no more of me.
One day, I will be able to get in touch without going through her once the child is old enough. Until then, I intend to get on with my life.
Please listen to Terry Brennan, co-founder of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, explain why default every-other-weekend visitation leads to absentee fathers:
Note that in cases where ‘standard’ visitation is awarded — every-other-weekend — fathers become depressed and non-involved, and within 3 years, one study found, 40 percent of children in an unequal visitation arrangement had lost complete touch with their non-custodial parents, which are nearly always the father.
Have a listen:
Bottom line: Father not involved in child’s life? Try to make co-parenting work.
If you are tempted to turn your child against the other parent, or not sure what is the best kind of parenting time arrangement, keep it simple, and equal. In fact, there are now more than 60 studies that prove that equally shared parenting is best for children (and, moms and dads!).
While we're at it, have a read about why a simple, fair 50-50 shared parenting time with no child support is the best, fairest, and most feminist arrangement.
To prevent this kind of trauma, here are some tips to how to make co-parenting work:
- Accept that mothers and fathers are equal. This is a gender equality issue
- Accept that just because the other person doesn't parent like you do, that is not abuse.
- Let him fail, succeed and find his own parenting style. Many dads become better fathers after divorce because they have to.
- When communicating with him, use ‘your house' and ‘my house' … not ‘Home.' Same when you address the kids – “daddy's house” and “my house.” Both places are their homes..
- Keep him posted on matters large and small. Even if he doesn't show up for the teacher meetings, or make the doctors’ appointments, keep him abreast of what is happening with the kids.
- Buy him holiday and birthday presents on behalf of the kids.
But the bigger challenge is to change our culture, from one in which it is presumed that fathers are incompetent, and mothers are the default primary parent. Terry Brennan of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, and an equality activist. Listen to our podcast conversation:
For more on co-parenting communication, and reasons for better shared parenting, read: Co-parenting rules–even with a difficult ex
What do you think? Are you a dad who no longer sees his kids? Why? Please share in the comments …
Or, are you the mother of a child with an absentee father? What is your response?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children.
After studying this issue for years, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced, and there is plenty of legitimate room for both of these points of view. What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
I gave my ex husband 50/50 custody because I thought it would be so much better for my kids. He is supposed to be with his beautiful children 3 nights a week. He sees them every 2 months for 3-4 hours at a time. I am left picking up the pieces financially and emotionally. My $165 a month in child support is barely a week and a half of groceries. I’m not bitter or angry, but I see the pain in my children’s eyes every time he cancels. Or he calls then once a week crying about how much he misses them, but can’t see them and makes promises over and over again. Do I really go to court and become the “bad guy”?
I will always advise a woman going through a divorce against 50/50 custody.
I am sorry you feel this way, I am sorry the father of your children has failed them. But not all fathers are bad, don’t tar all men with the failings of your Ex. Some men are good.
If u actually offered the 50/50 then you are a good human being in my book. Plz dont take him to court tho my parents did that and my mom didn’t want me going there and it has hurt me my entire life. Bad. Even a dad who isnt seen as a goid person can be a good dad. And if you wish for your children as parents to follow your, what I consider to be the epitome of making morally and ethically correct parental decissions. They deserve to see the hurt this has caused. They deserve to know the man who made them misses them so much and they deserve to know the reason he isnt presently as active as once before is because he is constantly assaulted with dangerously large sums of pain. It’s a Pain so destructive and sinister that to ever expierence it 1st hand can only accomplished through placing your life at risk to feel it. This is unique in the sense that reguardless what popular opinion may be at the time and despite the many malicious attempts to either minimize, deflect, or even to ignore completely. Sadly I see a chilling number of such immoral scandals everyday committed by shallow, selfish, and unempathitic women whos vindictive and bitter agenda has through stealth and manipulation, created the dangerous foundation of family court providing a safe haven for conniving and spiteful women to go to for assistance with court or strength in numbers. The inconceivable amount of life that has been tragically lost as well as the damage linked both directly and indirectly to family court are depremental problems that society is facing. Victim roles are now shameful acts dramatized to be used effectively as weapons by women. They are constructed diversion used to cause unbearable levels of mental and emotional torture to be dealt forcibly to fathers on a daily basis. Contributing largely to the verifying statistics gathered by society, this manifestation of toxic values has grown slowly but never gone unnoticed. It creates a detailed account of a mans very own personal hell. Its orgin is hate, Manufactured by revenge fueled mothers and distributed by the resentful hate stored in their hearts. The level of suffering is irrelevant tho, because any attack direct or indirect towards the man and the love he has for his children as well as abuse that, indeed, targets his very lifes purpose. These heinous actions will always be sufficient enough to collectively merit, and rightfully so cause a man to take his own life to end the suffering. Understanding that commiting morbid acts like these are done in such a neurologically reflective way, that it argueably steals your free will away and leaves you no option but to die or suffer through…..Stress. Trauma. Depression. Anxiety. Hopelessness. Helplessness. Fear. Degradation. Remorse. Agony. Torture. Worthlessness. Devaluing. Grief. Loss. Dehumanization. Belittlement. Abused. Misunderstood. Used. Tainted. Humiliated. Unfulfillment.
This describes my situation perfectly. Very few people understand the trials that I’ve has to go through. I literally dropped everything and ran states over, driving myself into unemployment and financial debt in pursuit of my son after his mother ran off with him. I was told that it’s her legal right but had I done the same, despite being on the birth certificate, I could wind up in prison for abduction. Despite all of that, I wound up being a Disneyland dad not by choice, but by the mandarin of the courts. I’ve been thrown into absolute financial despair, unable to provide for my own son and myself included. I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on things for my son for when he comes over here only for him to not ever be over here.
His mother ignores my texts. She ignores my families texts. She is in absolute control of my son. I’ve been told outright by the court during the process of filing for custody that I do not matter as much as she does. The problem is that my son is my entire life. Its physically impossible to make it on a daily basis without him. After losing him I slipped into a very deep depression that not even a severe dependency to alcohol could correct. I’ve aged faster both physically and mentally. You can see it on my face that I’ve lost my child.
The last time I saw my son, his mom picked him up. He tried to force his way out of the car seat, pushing her away while she tried to buckle him. He was screaming and crying while he reached out to me. At that time he was a year and a half old. A baby that young shouldn’t have to be that aware of the fact that he was leaving his dad. He knew it was time to say goodbye and he didnt want to. They say that at that age, they’re incapable of deciding for themself, but goddamit my son knew where he wanted to be. He made a choice to stay with his dad and his mom told him no. I havent seen him since.
It’s not that I dont want to be involved. It’s that I just cant keep up. I’m exhausted. I’ve been on my knees begging his mom like I’m cattle begging to be spared the slaughterhouse. I’ve been treated as lesser than human by the courts. During her pregnancy, I was deliberately held back from things because that’s all about the mom. They just dont understand that my love for my son goes beyond everything. I bonded with him in a way that absolutely no one else is capable of, and he did the same with me. Hes my boy and I’m his daddy. But I’m not allowed to be with him because, as others have mentioned, I broke his poor moms heart. For that, he has to pay the price too.
Kevan, I can relate completely, I’ve seen my girls maybe six times in the last 19 years. The courts let me know emphatically that everything was about the mom, not the children or their best interests. They’re grown now and thanks to years of brainwashing, they’re convinced I abandoned them. The truth is, their mom left me for one of her boyfriends. Those who have never been in our shoes cannot begin to understand. I too spent thousands on lawyers who did nothing but take the money. For my own sanity, I had to focus on trying to better myself. Rather than drinking or becoming a couch potato, I went back to school and got my degree and have dedicated myself to helping others. I pray for a restored relationship with my daughters one day but I don’t know if that will happen. I just have to take one step at a time and try to move forward, in a positive direction. You are in my prayers.
Any “father” who stops seeing their kids or kid just bc they don’t have it their way , is ridiculous. You can’t take it out on the child just bc you don’t get to see them more then you want to And on your time instead of the moms who bust their asses raising these kids alone . Mothers are given custody bc kids are better taken care of by them. Men tend to put themselves and their own feelings first especially young men who are not ready to be a parent. Stop saying all the moms want is money bc it’s your responsibility to provide for your kid too! Not just hers . Do you expect to just not pay for anything the kid needs ?? Even if all she does want from you is money so what?! Yous are together anymore so what else is she going to want if it isn’t you? you Men are so dramatic and lie and try and make us moms look bad while we bust our asses raising the kids from the second they come out of it . Then complain that you don’t get your way. It’s not about YOU.
I would prefer an absent father instead of a sad father destroyed by the cooldest mom. So, please, mothers, think outside of the box. I bet that 90% of money related arguing issues are happening because the mother cannot hide the “I want everything from you. I want you to slowly die but continue with sending money” face. This is not normal and the fact that for some money mothers are always ready to distroy the relationship with the father of the children is hilarious. Of course we are responsable of sending money for rasing the child. Every normal man should see this way. Not normal is that moms are fighting for those money rather than understading and learn to be calm and have peace.
This is what my ex wife is saying while she prevents me having access to the kids. “This is not about you”. Of course, she complains to everyone how hard is for a single mother to raise the kids and what a scumbag the father is. Please enlighten me, what is this about?
These accounts are all very sad and I can relate to them so well,I got divorced after being married for 24 years,during which my self worth was constantly eroded to a point where life was no longer worth living and I wanted out,tried a few times but came to realise the course of action was to get away from the person inflicting the damage,this took 3.5 years,loads of legal fees and my two daughters.
That is now 17 years ago ,I haven’t seen one of my kids since then,she has to sons,also never seen,my other daughter stared to treat me like her mum did and I had to make a very difficult decision in order to protect my life,that was to cut her off,it’s all very sad but my two children,now 39 and 35 are well old enough to work things out for themselves if they wanted to ! But they have inherited a problem,like my ex did from her mother,they will never be what I want them to be,that is a normal person respecting themselves and me and enjoying being in each other lives ,and so every time I get down I have to remember the torture that took me to the edge and ask myself do I need to be driven there again ? Well head over heart ,the answer is always no.
Life can be so good,I am remarried and very happy with my life and wife of 11 years now.
The pain of loss will only end with my passing,am very down and sad sometimes but do my best to focus on the great things in life not the mistakes from the past.
PAS gave me so many answers,it helps me understand which can help people cope most of the time.
I wonder if one day my grandchildren will come looking for me but won’t hold my breath,god knows what they would have been told about me ! All very sad,all inflicted by a sick person who was in need of so much help I couldn’t give.
I would like to have been a grandad and spent normal time sharing the great things in life,still no to be,head up and move on.
Parent alienation syndrome is a very real problem damaging so many lives but not talked about so much.
So I decided to fight (in the beginning). I was young and she was as well. She became pregnant. She wasn’t sure who’s baby it was so she named more than one person but eventually zeroed in on me because I was working.
The first 2-1/2 years I didn’t see him because I first went into the military and a lawyer told me let it go so I did.
Eventually there were two of us that supposedly had blood tests and I was the one that was told it was my child.
The situation was very awkward to say the least. Meeting a child after almost three years for the first time was not easy and of course I had “supervised” visitation.
We were constantly in and out of court because she and her boyfriend of the week made seeing my son a living hell but I was determined to give it my best.
When I would go to court eventually the files of court documents would need to be brought in on a literal hand-truck. In the beginning she would call DYFS or CPS as its now known and make bogus claims.
Eventually she was able to get a restraining order on me without my knowledge. The only reason I knew it happened was because she was playing her usual games and I called the police department for help and they informed me at that time.
After 12 years I finally gave up and walked away!! He is 33 and has nothing to do with me any longer.
Going to stop child support was another thing of beauty. I filed for consideration when he was told 19 years old in case she tried to say he would be going to be a doctor or what have you. My lawyer said the child support rights do not automatically end at 18 years of age. Even though he wasn’t in school at the time she said he was just taking a break and returning again so the only way to end the gravy train was to pay all of the college tuition in exchange for the support order to end which thankfully she agreed to. The courts are instrumental in breaking up families each and every day. Why? Because their is no financial interests in actually helping them resolve issues.
Also the “court appointed psychologist” get their money because we need conflict resolution.
I was tired of the Charade so I moved on to save what was left of my son and aggregation and lost income for me family!!
Well that is exactly what happened to me and I’m the mother…mine was when my child was 11…completely brainwashed and taken advantage of because he has emotional and learning delays…so I let everyone be because it became to draining to be I court every other month for what?! Lawyers to get paid and leave loop holes and it just became a vicious circle… I feel for everyone and especially the children! The system fails in a lot of ways!
I’m a mother to my 4 yr old son, he lives with his dad full time while I get 1 weekend per month. Everything in this article I can relate to just switch it from father to mother. My ex has done the exact same thing to me and has tried to brainwash my son into thinking I’m not his mom. My ex has tried to replace me with his new wife. I fight everyday. Still going to court fighting. Holding onto my 1 weekend by a thread. It’s emotionally draining, mentally exhausting, heartbreaking. I just want to be with my son. And to think all this because I left my ex who was controlling and emotionally and psychologically abusive to me.
This aint all cases because when I had two sets of twins dad was more interested in running the streets in bars drinking doing cocaine! My daughters were in the hospital born with issues all I asked for was love and support! After losing one of my twins to Mercia in the hospital died, I’d took the children to Arizona, came back on a Christmas visit and he’d found out got a lawyer and took me to court claiming I’d taken the children away from him and not allowed him to be a father, I was beyond myself, and couldn’t afford a lawyer couldn’t get free help since we were never married made things different, he’d lied and lied in court!(May god store his lies) and had them place the children with him as I was placed as a fight risk because we had our flights paid for! Two years in court fighting going to stupid parting class what not going on he’d tried not letting me see them! I got mad called the police I had my right thou to see them and he’d not keep me from them, it took time but I restarted from ground up! With nothing here no job no family nothing! Was depressed over it but I’d vowed I’d not allow this to happen to us! I love my children! I got a job saved up got a lawyer for them not me! And went back in! It took two court dates and I got them back! They gave him visitation rights! We can’t leave the state because of it! Not cool! But after all he did to hurt me! And tear down my world! I rebuild it all back! I didn’t allow it! I didn’t give up!. Don’t give up! He’d tried turning my kids and all now there not the same but it’s a healing in progress and hella worth it! Not all woman are bad not all men are bad! This isn’t even about the children but selfish narcissistic people! Need to be dealt with!. It’s not the children’s fault but there the ones that in the end suffer from it! Protect your children from the ever lasting effects it’ll leave them!.
Oh I’d forgotten to add to my story he’d got rights we can’t leave this crime infested state for his rights, but he don’t bother to see the children, don’t call them nothing, he does nothing! I’m sitting back doing me, working raise them the rest of the way to greatness, and they see Truth, I do nothing to keep them from him never did, so know it’s not what seems to really be about. And ya courts just want money so the keep the games going!.
Same. I am an alienated mother. Gotta love a mother in law who has hated you from day one and wanted control of your family. Well when tragedy struck, she swooped in like she was the devil dressed up in a superman costume. My husband didn’t even have it in him to fight with her. Hence the divorce. I tried maintaining contact for the kids sake. She had instructed them to call me by name and call her mom. She told them repeatedly I killed their brother (it was an in-home accident noooooot caused by me or anyone). She stopped any and all contact with every single one of my family members, whom were my children’s everyday. She slapped me with a restraining order. It has now been a decade since I have seen either one of my kids. I did not get to help them heal from the loss of their brother. I didn’t get to see their first days of school. And I second that firmly, making a choice to distance is not something taken lightly and not a decision made on a whim. It is devastating. Life altering. PTSD-creating. I wish I could scream and out their names everywhere.
I am the mother.. But the father didnt take the kids… My own mother did.. Damn how. It hurts
I don’t know where to post a new comment so I’m doing it as a reply!
I have moved to the city that my son is, I live in a small room instead of a mansion just to be close to him. I work Uber everyday and everyday watching come out of school and get in a car. Then I watch him go to his house and smile and be happy. Everyday I ask his mother to see him and everyday I either hear a talk to my lawyer or no answer. I am more than willing to pay child support, the time is just not enough. I say I love my son, she says, too bad!!! He says I want to hang out with you, she says I don’t think so.. my parents bday gifts returned, as is mine!!! But I try… everyday I try… everyday I send him an email saying how much I missed him and love him. Everyday I send him an email saying good night and I love him!!! And I will try every single day till I die, and I am sure it will make my ex happy that I died. But my son will never ever doubt that I loved him for a minute. So keep trying, keep trying every day. Bc they will grow up one day, and they will understand. No one and nothing can ever bring the time that u lost back, but maybe this is your calling in life? Try every single day!!
I was told that if I wanted any equity from our home or jointly owned business, I would never see my kids again. That was almost 10 years ago, and the narcissistic cheating “person” I married and loved for over 20 years has made that come true. Call me a “checked out” dad if you want, but you will never know the pain of parental alienation and brainwashing of children if you haven’t had it happen to your own kids. I would love nothing more than to be “checked in” to my kids lives, but the path to get there would be extremely painful because of my exes and her father’s complicit brainwashing and lies. By the way, by “checking out” God introduced me to a wonderful gal whose three fantastic kids needed a man of integrity in their lives, andi live every day to be that man. I’ve been very happily married for 6 years, and my kids who have been alienated suffer for not knowing their stepmom and stepbrothers and stepsister and wonderful stepgrandparents.
I am a father to a daughter who never got to experience what it’s like to have a father, I hear daughters are closer to their fathers like sons bond with their mother’s. So it must be more difficult because when I last seen my baby daughter at 3 months old I promised my princess that this would be the first and last time I would be apart from her little did I know I would never see her again. How can you put an argument if only one side of the story is being told. All I know I miss my princess had to move on two boys later and a very happy wife “I hope” and 10 years on who will testify to my character a descant dad who’s only mission in life is to make every effort to make his wife and two kids happy and that gives me purpose. It’s sad i was the same person with my ex, women have more rights then men when it comes to kids and divorce.
I’m father. I lost custody. In her home town she new everyone. Used order of protection against me. Threw me in jail. Took all my money and possessions. I have not seen my sons in 5 years. The saga goes much deeper.
I am a alienated father of 18 yrs now…..we got a divorce when my oldest was about 2 and my youngest 8 months old….between the courts and my ex….i was forced to sign my rights over in 2006…..2 years ago..when my youngest turned 18…we…being me and my family reached out to them….we were very quickly and firmly told….never to contact them again…….I will never see…of know my children as long as I am on this earth
Keep trying man… I send an email out to my kid every day. Telling him how much I love him and want to be with him… when you stop trying you are done!!! You try daily!! Hear no daily but at least you hear it!!
Yup – had this. Everything I did or had ever done, I was bad at. Other than my income I was useless. Bad person, bad parent, bad husband.
Multiple IVO’s, she invaded my home, stole money, and I haven’t seen the kids for nearly 10 years. The last IVO was enough, I wrote to my children’s school and asked for copies of their school reports to be sent to me and I got a restraining order for that.
So – I gave up being their father, they were 12/14 and hated me and all my family and everything about me, they’d changed their names and trying to rebuild any relationship with them was pointless because my poison was ex would just twist it out of context.
I paid nearly $3000 per month child support and never missed a beat, but there’ll never be any recognition for that, and any chance for a relationship with my kids is gone because they’re strangers now and they don’t need anything from me. Good luck to them.
I’ve since remarried and had another child and we’re very happy, but it should have been a bugger, happier experience all around.
Silly really – there’s no winners.
I was 21 yrs old and only dating my whom I thought “boyfriend.” When I got pregnant he told me I needed to get an abortion. I told him its my choice and I don’t believe in abortion. He said that his ex of 10 yrs had 7 abortions by him. I reminded him that I was not her. He then dumped me… I gave birth alone. I needed help so I stayed with my dad but he would only allow me to stay if I applied for.Child support from her father. I did. He got very angry and wanted to talk with me and work something out. I scheduled a date and was met by his mother who said they want no part of the child and that they aren’t even sure she was his. I tried 9 months after her birth to get him to change his mind then I moved to Ohio to better my life. In the 4 years I lived there I received a few calls/texts just asking how.we were. I visited California 1 to 2 times a year. He didn’t want anything to do with her. The last visit he wanted to meet her. They played fot an hour monitored at the park. Mind you, he only paid child support the first year and then quit his job and started working under the table. I never saw a dime of child support. Nor any gifts sent ect. I put myself through nursing school and struggled so much. I decided to move back to California because I missed home… I had.spoken to him a few months prior to moving home asking him of he wanted to get to know her. He said yes… when we retuned he visited her a hand full of times but monitored and I always had.to make the plan and take her to.him… eventually I got tired of the inconsistency and thought it was unfair to her and I. I told him that he needed to take her every other weekend so he is consistant. He finally agreed… He would cancel his weekend for his plans with friends or ask to switch weekends. It was really ridiculous and very inconvenient for me. But I allowed it because I badly eanted her to have a father. It wasnt until she came home with a hand print bruise on her butt… She was so upset that she told.me she didn’t want.tonsee him again.. he called a year later saying how sorry he was and that he wanted her in his life. I asked her if she wanted to try again. She did. After a few visits, the last visit he was saying very cruel things about my family and me and she came home crying and said she just doesn’t want to visit him anymore. I never said ant negative thing. Always letting her have her own opinion. Mind you he still didn’t pay child support. Or buy her clothes. He did come to her birthday parties until that last visit but the gift hw brought was always only from his mother. She stopped contact when he did. He now owes 145k in child support. He also has 2 other daughters who are older and is very good to them. So not all women ore cruel and heartless… Some are opposite… I do feel so bad for fathers who deal with woman not letting them see their kids. That is so wrong. And brain washing them is equally wrong. But sometimes, woman really have a good reason to keep a sociopath from their kids… that happens a lot too. So.in reality there is every different type of situation and each are unique. I personally believe that the man is at least 50% responsible for that child regardless if they have a relationship with the child or not. Sorry but i have an egg and he has a sperm. I didn’t get pregnant on my own. It takes both to make.a baby and even though it wasn’t planned it still is both peoples responsibility regardless if he wanted to abort or.not. dont have sex if you dont want babies. And if you cant stay abstinent then use protection.
Hey Tab, don’t pass quick judgement on other fathers who may have gone through a Hell you cannot even imagine in their fight to stay in their children’s lives. The whole system is so rigged against men I’m surprised that we aren’t seeing mass uprisings with public hangings of judges and divorce attorneys. So you got one little kid. How would you feel if you had three, and a vindictive ex with almost unlimited funds to keep you in and out of court, making all kinds of accusations, and otherwise doing every possible thing to keep you from having any contact with your kids, including moving them out of state without notifying you. Oh, it’s so easy to expect others to be superman, to buck up and somehow find the means to keep fighting for years, but at some point, Nature has programmed us for pure survival and so, we must let go and try and salvage the rest of our lives.
I hope that anyone reading this never truly understands what attachment to a child is. There is only one way one comes to comprehend it. It is severed or taken away.
Father is a verb, it’s not who you are but rather what you do..
I’m just a 50 year old “dad” of a special needs son age 14, so what do I know..
All I do know is I miss my wingman each and every day….
My husband, who is a wonderful father, no longer sees his 12 year old son after years of having to repeatedly call police to enforce visitation once or twice a year and constant treatment as a second class parent. Last year my husband’s ex made false allegations of abuse and the mother and my stepson both lied in court to try to get an order where my stepson could get to choose when to see his father, regardless of how many people had tried to explain how emotionally unhealthy that is. It didn’t work but a small town Texas judge with a self proclaimed grudge against her own ex husband did rule that my husband can no longer call the police when his ex refuses to show up to drop their son off. After spending every cent of our savings and almost losing my husband, I have quit trying all together. My husband still reaches out through text and gives his son the option to talk. Usually he gets no response, some times two or three empty words. Breaks my heart for my husband and stepson. They both deserve more but this broken court system allows and even encourages this destructive dynamic in blended families. It is too late for us, but praying for change for the kids that statistically are very likely to be ripped from his life down the road. We want to help be part of this change and help people to understand what is really going on in this fatherless epidemic but don’t even know where to start
My wife taught our kids for 15 years (before I found out) that even though I was living with my family, they were to understand ‘things’ about me — and I never knew why they always favored their grandparents over me. The excuses were always that ‘this is what the kids chose to do’ and I’d never been in the room when that conversation supposedly happened. After the separation, they were in their mid-teens and again, my wife stressed that the kids didn’t feel comfortable around me … not until she and I had a few counseling sessions did I find out why. They are young adults now … I’m very proud of who they are and what they’ve accomplished … but I’m not their daddy any more or less now than I was when I was systematically demonized under the same roof we all shared. I’m a stranger, who gets to spend every night and weekend sobbing that I made the mistake of not grasping more about the woman I love, chose to marry, and continue to be faithful to even long after a divorce that releases her from her ‘burden’ but does noting to fill all the holes dug in all our hearts. If I had been any of the things that they were taught about me, they would be in dire need of much more counseling than they nurses along to perpetuate the story — but as things are, they had so much of their childhood stolen simply because their mother had been damaged early in life and her drive to exert control over everyone would not allow for a partner, a lover, a friend — certainly not one who would be truthful and faithful with her for the rest of her life. Teaching kids that this is normal is a horrifying injustice.
My husband left our marriage due to infidelity. Our kids were 20 and 22 when he left. They tried out of obligation to see him but they never felt comfortable after he left. It was truly heartbreaking. We were a close family. It’s been 20 years and my daughter has seen him 3 times since he left; 2 funerals and a wedding. No phone contact, no birthday cards, no holidays. It breaks my heart to think after 20 years they don’t want anything to do with him. I just can’t imagine how that would feel and it scares me to death to think about if it were me. I have asked my daughter why and her response (at 24) Mom, mind your own business! That is between me and him. He wasn’t the best if dads. He wasn’t always there for them and he was physically abusive to me when the children were young. He then became verbally and emotionally abusive. I believe he has narcissistic personality disorder. The signs are there. It’s just such a shame. I truly hope he is happy in his new family because he paid a sever price.
I am in awww of all the fathers wanting to be in their children’s lives. I am a single mom to a 7 year old boy. His father has shown no interest in his life and has not contributed financially in his life. When he did it was to impress the new love in his life. Every month he had a new women. Even though he did not support my son financially I let the father see my son because my son wanted to see his father and I knew through my own experiences what depriving my son of seeing his father could do to him( I hardly saw my father growing up). My son later told me he did not want to see his father because ” My dad only wants to see me when he has a new women” that was when I stopped visitation completely. The father was later locked up as he had stolen money from these women and their businesses. He used my son to get closer to these women, leading them to believe he was a “loving father” and I probably helped him to do that as I let him spend time with my son despite him not helping with raising him. There are always two sides. I wish he was the father who actually wanted to spend time with his son. I can see my child needs his father but I can’t force him to be something he doesn’t want to be. I am disgusted that he used his own child to steal money from women. All my son wanted was his fathers love. Even though we separated, we could have had a parental plan to ensure our son had both a mom and a dad. Instead I have a very confused child who is going through a terrible phase because I have to be mom and dad. His dad used to tell me he doesn’t have to contribute financially and that he can just say he isn’t working to the courts and that was what he did and it worked. You get some horrible mothers and fathers out there and it’s sad that the children are in the centre of it all.
Almost a mirrored story. I made every attempt to keep my daughter and her dad connected. Taking her to his job, and family events. Inviting him to everything, but he never showed. The final straw was him asking me for 600 dollars that I took from my daughter’s education account to loan him. Needless to say he never paid it back, like I owed him. My daughter is 5 and he has given less that 500.00 total over her life to help support her. I swear i truly weeped for the men above. They are the unfortunate rare ones.
Men should not be allowed to “step out” of their kids lives. There should be mandatory visitation – if you don’t show up for your kids, you should go to jail. I read this blog because I wanted to see the reasoning behind fathers abandoning their kids; and oh my god, guess what? “It’s the mothers fault I gave up on my kids”.
I’m not buying it. You gave up on your kids because of you. Court is time consuming, and I’m sure the legalities are mind numbing and you have your career, your social life, your hobbies, and other family to tend to, so hell yea it’s easier to just forget the kid and move on, save some money, free up your mind. And maybe when they are 18 you can tell them how it was all their mothers fault that you said fuckit. Maybe they will buy it? Doubt it. Put on your big boy panties, pull them motherfuckers up and FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS, BE THERE FOR YOUR KIDS, and put them FIRST IN YOUR LIFE.
I have an 16 month old son, he doesn’t even know what a dad is. Why? “Because of the way I talk to his dad”. I cuss him like a chained up negro every chance I get now. He deserves no mercy. Does he have mercy on me or his child? Nope. Refuses to even pay child support, never showed up to meet his baby, none of his family helps or has seen my son, and not to mention the financial/mental/emotional burden he has left me and my children with. Yet… he deserves empathy? Fuckthat. LIFE IS HARD, on all of us. You are supposed to be a man. So man-up. I have to man-up every day, trust me, the struggle is REAL, but one thing I haven’t done, (and I’m just a dumb, poor, Kentucky hick) is abandon my kids. You’d have to hold a gun to my head and pull the trigger to get me to give up on my boys. Some of y’all aint as manly as you think.
Tab you are the reason the system is broken a bitter evil person, you will never know the pain you can’t understand. There’s a reason you are alone it’s called “YOU”
Sean … I agree!!!!
I don’t think you know what you’re talking about. My husband struggled every day not to be alienated out of his kids lives. We’ve gotten very close to just leaving and living our lives without all the court involvement and drama.
Tab I’m not feeling bad about calling you a horrible person for what you wrote. My wife indoctrinated our children to believe that I was violent (never a reason to get away with that but whenever I raised my voice, in their little heads I was reinforcing her truth). By the time she realized she wasn’t going to get me to leave her by just being horrible to me for years, she escalated to encouraging the kids to seek counseling for abuse through their school. Now, in addition to being afraid of their father for the first half of their lives, they are now young adults with the burden of having lied to lots of adults over the years because they found out how they’d been used but could t unring the bell. I have been raked over the coals by law enforcement and investigators, worked two full-time jobs simultaneously while living in my car, and getting no feedback from my kids unless they needed help with money or their vehicle. I am a stranger to them — and it will never be a matter of working my way ‘back’ into their lives… I was unwelcome from their earliest memory, and no fictional court that somehow actually cares about families is anywhere to be found. So thank you, for reminding us all that in addition to working ourselves to death to pay bills we didn’t pile up, and never getting to know the love of another person for the rest of our lives, just how repugnant we all are for not being as clued in as you are.
Tab, you are the reason families are broken. You’re so delusional you don’t see that you are doing exactly what your dogging fathers for. You claim to be a victim of your ex while having full custody of your child and arguing dads are pathetic for thinking they’ve been a victim of you. Which holds WAY more weight than you being a victim of them. Stop pretending to be a victim while destroying your child to get back at your ex. You’re evil and vindictive and highly delusional. The sad part is very few people, if anyone, will have the guts to correct you. Even if they do, you’ll think they’re the problem and not you (again, you’re highly delusional). I feel sorry for your poor child for having to live with a monster who doesn’t give a damn about them. As long as you get back at your ex (and NEVER grow up) then your child’s psychological and emotional well being is a worthy sacrifice to you. Rot in hell.
To the person above! Of course because you aren’t empathetic and obviously can’t be you wouldn’t have the slightest clue on how we as men feel while the mothers decide to break us in court financially and then go to extremes to block us from it children. Maybe you had a deadbeat husband and so forth but make no mistake about it this has and continues to go on with the fathers that care. Only last week I attempted to take my life because of the hurt and pain of not seeing my daughter. This article is on point and if your to nieve or ignorant to see this then you are apparently part of the problem we face today. How many women commit suicide daily for not seeing their children? How many women have sole custody of children in America today? I believe around 86% or so last time I checked so before you spout off and try to engage in a conversation you have no idea what it is like to be us then you should show some respect and not have crude remarks. I’ve manned up for nine years straight and over $100,000 in legal fees to date and still going. Why because of a narcissistic woman that is so hard to deal with it is sickening. Much like your comments! This is the sad truth for millions of men and women around the world however statistically more men deal with it.
Girl yes!!!
Tab … You really need to get some counseling! Your anger is palpable! Whether justified or not, I have no real clue as I do not know the FACTS of your situation.
YOU tho have no real clue as to the FACTS, in the situation you are so harshly judging!
When one parent, be that a mother like you, or a father, WITHHOLDS bonding or a loving relationship with their child/children, the parent withholding, or alienating the other, IS in fact ABUSING the child/children.
I pray that YOU, Tab, WAKE UP, do some research and educate yourself before your child recognizes what YOU ARE doing.
Before YOU DO irreparable mental/psychological damage to the INNOCENT CHILD.
May God have mercy on your Soul!!!!!
Yes, you’re the problem. If women like you understood the pain that mothers often cause their exes, maybe we could have a conversation. But you are heartless.
EXACTLY 100% what i was thinking !!!
You sound like a real lovely woman by your comments. I have been dealing with a horrible situation trying to see my kids getting screwed by the courts and ex who is vindictive and manipulative. It is amazing how more often then not men are looked at as a paycheck and the children are used for mental warfare. I’m on the verge of giving up with all of the odds against me.
Tab,
You sound like the problem! Almost makes me think you wanted a man more than a father to your son. I’m sure you are that woman that would make your kids get back in the car if you saw another woman in your childs father car during a parenting time exchange.
Chill with the bitterness. Nobody should have to spend tens of thousands of dollars just to be able to see their child for a couple nights a week. Court systems need to start locking these women up for violating court orders and poisoning their kids.
The pain of losing a daughter is beyond words. I remember the last time I saw my daughter was at a children’s museum, we played all day and she told me that she just wanted to play with me, I promised her that next time we would go to the zoo. She was 3 years old and that was the last day I was able to see her. Ten fight in court lasted for over two years, and believe me fight I did with all that I had, with all my resources and every single possible tool at my disposal. I found myself in restraining orders, court hearings every month, mandatory counseling, and worst of all supervised visitations. At the end, out of money, my career in danger, my marriage failing, my time and energy spent on preparing for court or a counseling session, scrapping for money to pay for supervised visitations I was presented with a way out. We could continue on this path or I could sign my rights away. She was an officer of the court well versed in the law. The shame that came after making my decision was difficult to overcome, thoughts of suicide, my family doesnt speak to me. They tell me that I should have continued fighting- how, why? I found this article and it help to know that I wasn’t the only one with this experience. Reading your comment made me understand that people are blind to the reality of the court system. All I have is love for my child, my little girl, all I wanted was to be her dad. Instead, i was presented with this nightmare and impossible choices. And all I can tell you is that it hurts everyday, it hurts to breath and it never goes away. I hope for a better future, I hope for the day she comes looking for me and maybe that will be my chance. In the meantime, I prepare because I know I have to ready. Your comment, similar to my family’s comments come from not knowing and not understanding.
I am a former attorney, met a woman and had a kid, she pulled him out of my life 11 years ago. I flipped out, racked up some DUI’s and some Violation of Protective Order convictions (trying to see my son!). After years in prison she suddenly wanted to reunite, (yah the next day after she was supposedly scared for six years?); don’t do it! These women of today are largely narco (i.e. narcissist) freaks. I got back with her (mostly to see my son), then broke up about 2 years ago. Haven’t seen my son since December 23, 2017, can’t even call him etc. The legal system is a scam and a fraud and an imposition upon the honest tax paying public. I do not intend to return to the fraud Bar Association ever. Just walk away or consider termination of parental rights. Give them what they want!
Thanks men for sharing your stores . I have not seen my daughter in 4yrs now i have been to gail for breaching a vro ( buy calling my child) when I had so called phone contact turns out i could only email- texr but had been told buy a judge that i could video call her was not on the new vro that was never survived too me oh well it is what it is at the start of all this my ego would not allow me to accept supervised vist es i should have sucked it up and done it now im fully astranged from her and she does not wish to talk to me . Im just about to lodge some parenting papers to the family court but my brain is telling me not do it but my heart is saying do it . I miss u daugjter and im sorry that i don’t know you and if i could i would be the best man in your life i pray for you and hope that you never repet the cycle of bullshit to your own family .is there support groups for people in this situation because I need outside help to get on whith my life now.
Don’t do it please one day you two will be back together. Don’t listen to your heart it’s hurting right now. Wait it out my dear wait it out
My ex and I were young addicts when we had kids. I ended up incarcerated for nearly 10 years, she was incarcerated for 4 and her parents took the kids. They brought them to see her every week, made sure they sent her cards and knew who their mom was. When she got out she had a connection to them. For me, I was told that bringing them to see me would only confuse them. My letters were never given to them and I never got any from them. When I was coming to the end of my sentence all of the sudden my ex pops back up wanting me to move close to them, maybe see how things go but by that point I was a different person. I didn’t want to be with her at all, I wanted to have a life that meant something and lead somewhere and I wanted to see my kids. Unfortunately she didn’t like that I didn’t want to be with her and that’s when all the stories to the kids started. I was a mess back then, no lie, we both were. I did things I shouldn’t have and so did she but since she had physical custody I was the monster. I was the deadbeat who lived 3 hours away because he wanted to start a new family, not because that’s where the job and opportunity to build a good, solid life was. The kids were fed a pipe dream, that I would be instant well-adjusted father and when I wasn’t it was because I chose not to be. I chose someone else (I did get married) instead of them. It’s been years now and my oldest hates me, doesn’t want anything to do with me because I wasn’t instant family when I was released. I didn’t know how to do anything beyond say “I love you” and that wasn’t enough then and it certainly isn’t enough now. I’ve financially supported them, of course, but I wanted to be more than just money. I wanted to get to know my kids but that’s hard when their mom told them I’m someone I’m not anymore and refuses to walk back any of her comments or admit that the person she “knows” was a 20 year old drug addict, not a grown man with a mortgage. Do I blame her? Not anymore, she has her own demons and broken dreams to deal with but the damage is done. I can’t change being gone for those years and I can’t seem to break through the narrative that I never tried to contact them while I was inside. So, at least with my oldest, I’m done being punished for not living up to his unrealistic expectations that his mother implanted in his head. Judge me for that if you will, I’ve made my peace with it for now. Maybe some day he’ll be old enough to start questioning the stories or sit still long enough to listen to my side. Maybe. Until then, bashing my head against a brick wall for another 10 years hoping that he’ll answer the phone or respond to a text isn’t healthy and helps no one.
I am at this crossroads literally at this moment. Short relationship with a narcissist became a lifetime of misery, bankruptcy, suicide attempt and now I am accused of being a homicidal maniac who is ready to commit homicide of either Mom or the child to not pay child support. My child is 9, I have paid over $250K in CS and have spent 5 of her 9 years being shaken down in family court by a woman who has literally not provided $250 to this child. Kid doesn’t even have a bedroom, (One room basement apartment with Mom). Family court I am treated like a deadbeat for only paying $1800 a month. When I attempted suicide, you think that would have been the time for the Judge to step in and say ENOUGH!!!! But no…. All the judge cared about was “So when you getting back to work, Sir”… Ummm, I tried to hang myself in the basement of my home and spent a week in the psych ward. Do you know how FRIED your brain is to attempt this? Especially when your subsequent child is sleeping 2 floors above you. I look back and imagine the terror my baby girl would have been in as they wheeled her fathers body out of the house. I will never do that again, my subsequent child is what keeps me going. But this latest abuse of the courts and myself have led me to finally having to walk away. I have a box full of pictures, my filing 4 times for custody because her mother was neglectful and spent all the CS on herself, my texts to talk to her, see her and her mothers latest restraining order accusing me of being homicidal. Oh, and this is in response to me filing for a GAL due to a DCF report that was “Substantiated with concern due to mother’s abuse of alcohol and child residing in an unsafe home”. Yet, it is somehow believed and encouraged to continue these patterns of abuse by Mom. I hope in my daughters early teens we can reconnect and some may not agree but I am going to show her exactly why I had to do what I did and exactly how much money I give to her mother so she can start demanding it be spent on her behalf. Stay strong everyone!
I’m currently going through this with the divorce and visitation with my kids. It feels like seeing/visiting my kids is optional, depending on my ex’s mood. It really does get to the point, as a divorced father, that the only option you have is to let go. The mental games have reached such a toxic level, that the emotional price of trying to be a good Dad and a present father is no longer worth it. The harder you try the more resistance you face trying to be there, the less you try, well, your labeled as a deadbeat dad. There is no way to actually do the right thing in this situation. I guess just let go and someday God will handle it. Either way you spin the dice, it’s set up so that I will eventually not be a part of their lives, and that’s very depressing. I love my kids to death, but I deeply regret ever meeting that woman or having children with her.
I wish my ex husband was a good father. Since we split he has been in and out of our daughters life. He got up and moved to another state and didnt say a word. Even when he was living here I told him we can work out more days besides the ones the court entitled him to and guess what he never picked her up or even tried. He puts his gf before his own kid. Still now that hes back for a while I let him see her whenever he wants and still he isnt consistent. I hear so many stories of fathers wanting to be involved in their childrens lives and the mothers making it impossible. Me on the other hand wants my daughter to have her father around but he just doesnt care. Ive realized u cannot change a person and i do my best with my daughter and I never bad mouth him to her bc in the end she will see who he truly is. I admire a man who does anything for their child. Kudos to all of u that do.
When the ex wife relocates taking your 4 year old daughter with her and her new man an hour away, away from you the father and other relations then you are then a alternate weekend dad with holidays thrown in. For 8.5 years I’ve driven up and down the motorway to pick her up. Or take her swimming then tea. Sometimes driven up for parents evening for just 10 min and back.
I’ve had too work for this time off work to get those weekends off. I used to cry buckets on having to drop her back half way on the Sunday on my return home.
It’s become harder when she turned 11 3/4. Just towards end of Primary school. Then secondary school it got harder.
Social media, friends etc. She wants to be with her friends on weekends so there’s no flexibility ie school nights at mine. Their has never been school nights here because of the distance. So if the school and friends aren’t local then I can tell you its harder.
Before my daughter was taken away I took her to nursery and picked her up. The last 6 months of her time in nursery were up there and believe me it was hard.
When an ex wife meets somebody else you’re not needed so much. They moved for him as he never lived here which i couldn’t move because of work and this is where our familys live.
It’s been 6 weeks since my daughter has been here. Shes ignoring my messages because she knows I’m asking if shes coming here. She is so focused on her friends. But there’s no compensation ie to stay here school nights. I want to help with her homework, ask about her day etc.
Her mother said to me one year before they relocated (I was given 2 months notice) “he will be more than a father than I will” (referring to her now husband).
I feel useless, inadequate, shown disdain by ex wife now my daughter shows it. Parents need to live in the locality of the school and friends.
This is what has frustrated me more.
The ex wife took away my parental role.
It still hurts today and I feel suicidal sometimes. I sometimes can’t function sometimes as she has reduced me to a Disney dad.
I’ve felt undermined so many times now my daughter has a phone and it distracts her when she is here staying in her room til late that our two days together is almost over. I don’t have the luxury of almost 2 weeks that the ex wife has because of the distance.
While in the same disgusting situation, I always try to remember -“its about my little girl”
My Ex has the dishonest courts on her side no matter what she does.
Is it good to keep calling my daughter, knowing that her mother will not allow her to answer her phone or call me back?
Is it good to send gifts and presents only to get ranting texts from the mother degrading the gift as not good enough?
MEN need to take back their family and get the courts out of the way.
Do what you think is best for your child. Hopefully, someone will be able to tell her the truth when she gets older. Your name will be mud by the time she is 18. Its about your child.
Come this Saturday it will be 3weeks since I’ve been banned from my child. For. For the reason on trying to replace me and punish me for helping my ex out over some. Basically for two years (Leonardo was 2 14th of sep) she’s been an absolute nightmare. We split last sep, she got pregnant to some absolute joke 3 weeks later. I was pushed from my sons life as the new bf was insecure of me. May just gone tho, she comes of me to state ‘my bf is violent, my bf is rubbish with my child, my bf smokes weed around him’ I personally threw his stuff out and said If I saw him I’d leave trails of him around the street. Disgrace! So nearly 8months pregnant and with my son to look after I had no choice but to help her out. Her mother had fallen out with her because she left the new babies dad. What mother/grandmother would want family around someone like that. But yeah I moved in with them for 6wks, I loved it as I was actually parenting my child. Once the baby was born she banned from seeing his child, she asked me to tell him I was the baby’s dad (he knew we had slept together just before she fell pregnant) just because she was embarrassed who he was etc. I said no, I don’t play god and that’s someone’s life! Anyway two wks after she was born she had the dad in her house with my child there. I stopped helping, that was end of July. She got back with him and clearly she’s with him for money aswel as support so his days with her as a family are numbered. So I was again restricted to a Saturday 10am while 6:30pm as she won’t allow my family to help him see me (I work 2 jobs 6/7 days a wk everywk! Just now I’ve returned from working two jobs in the day! Keeping busy works as other wise I was just sat waiting for him, which is depressing) so I was restricted to saturdays. I have texts statingbshe doesn’t like that my child has a better bond with me than her. And she finds it acceptable to snatch him in when I drop him off as he’s screaming dada no dada no, it’s heartbreaking saying goodbye to some tiny fingers screaming dada at the other side of the door. So obviously I’ve messaged regarding my concerns, she just brushes them off and says ‘he’s fine after ten mins’. Well I’m not, my saturdays evenings are spent alone as I honestly have nothing to offer anyone, he’s all I think about. The last time i dropped him off I had to take him back to her dads, I knew he wasn’t gonna settle, again he was hysterical, so we both ended crying, the last image I have of my child is of him headbutting,kicking and punching his grandad (he gets on lovley with him) screaming dada extending his arms out. As I complained to her I got banned, I actually got banned! Got told to see a solicited if I wanna see him, got told by her mum ‘show us how much you want your son’. A week after he came back police were called out as he was been abusive. Like the story’s of other dads off of here that I’ve read, it’s a control thing all the time and for two years that’s exactly how it is, but like someone else said on here ‘it’s less painful to be absent than controlled’ check my instagram out, my boy is my world. But I don’t have the pain of having to say goodbye at home time, the lonely empty Saturdays aren’t empty anymore. I’ve done with my grieving for now. But if he forgets me he doesn’t have to have insecurities from me. I don’t know what my comments menant to do but I feel a tab bit better getting bit out! Ps I’m at the solicitors tomorrow :)
System stinks there’s no accountability from a money grubbing system leaving fathers In a poor financial state with expectations of them having a relationship with children even when conditions imposed of seeing children make it virtually impossible. Children eventually work things out but by then it’s too late damage has been done. Court imposed distance and made it hard to see child. Mother cried she needed family support and I was abusive and she needed help with child so child was relocated. An asshole listens to tunnel vision questions imposed by barristers and makes a decission. Report writer knows who u are in 1 he. It’s not about sympathy it’s about children isn’t is federal circuit court? So this is why I’m making decission of not seeing child.