Mention the fatherless epidemic in the United States, and the arguments are polarizing. We hear things like “Father refuses to see child” or “Father not involved in child’s life.” These issues can be especially thorny during the holidays.
It’s easy to fall into stereotypes about deadbeat or indifferent dads, but I discovered the issue is quite complicated:
Father not involved in child’s life? A look into why fathers walk away after divorce
It is either:
- Men are irresponsible douchebags who abandon their children to mothers, who are left to raise the children with few resources, or …
- Women are conniving, malicious, entitled nut-jobs who alienate fathers from their children while taking all said fathers' money — all of which is supported by the family court system.
However, as we unpack in this article, the real reasons are more complicated, complex and human. Men after all, are marginalized as inferior or at least secondary parents, a fact that is codified in family court when mothers are nearly always granted primary time with children — a power position that means men and dads are officially a lesser parent.
Read: My advice to moms and dads whose other parent is not involved
Why do fathers give up?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children, for reasons including:
- Sexist culture that does not value or support dads, or prime boys to grow up to expect to be involved, meaningful parts of their children's lives
- Family and divorce courts that favor mothers=
- Parental alienation, in which one parent turns the kids against the other parent
- One dad's compelling story about why he doesn't see his kids (keep reading)
- Many dads don't believe the child is theirs or were tricked into fatherhood, or otherwise felt they did not decide to father the child.
853 reader comments and counting on this post tell a story about how prevelant fatherlessness is, how passionate people feel about its reasons and results — and how varied and nuanced those reasons can be.
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How can a father walk out on his child?
After studying this issue for the four years I've had this blog, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced. Men walk out on their child for many reasons, including:
- They never wanted to be a dad in the first place but were trapped
- They have been marginalized by our culture and court system to every-other-weekend parents, which is more painful than walking away and starting a new life that promises more joy
- Conflict with the child’s mother is too difficult to navigate
- They feel unworthy of parenthood, and feel like walking away is the best thing for the child
- The father never had a strong father figure, does not feel competent as a dad nor understand how important his role is.
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A father's experience with parental alienation
What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
These stories resonate with me, as they have challenged my earlier, blind admonishments that every parent has a moral obligation to fight for their children, no matter what.
I still believe this, but I also believe in empathy, and for recognizing each other's humanity.
Here is one story from a reader, John G:
Point of view from a dad who doesn't see his child
From my own experiences, I believe it's widespread for women to use children as a weapon to exact revenge against the ex during, and after, divorce proceedings.
During my lengthy divorce, my ex-wife claimed I was abusive, that she was ‘afraid for her safety,’ and tried to get ‘supervised visitation.’
None of it worked, because it wasn’t true, and because, as an educated professional I had enough money to spend six figures on an attorney.
However, it was still a waste of time and money. Even after the divorce, the games continued.
My son was being tutored on what to say to me (did you ever hear a 7-year-old respond ‘I’m not comfortable talking about that’ when asked a question?) and being instructed to call me by my first name and not ‘dad.’ I grew tired of making phone calls that weren’t answered, or of being put on hold and the child not coming to the phone, and of canceled visits.
It was heartbreaking seeing the child slip away from me, little by little.
I went to court on several occasions. There is the assumption that the man will just sit there and take the abuse because he does not want to lose the child.
She stuck by the letter of the law, and was able to severely limit my contact with my son by way of orders of protection and maintaining to the courts that he was a ‘danger.’
Related: This is the real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids
Orders of protection as divorce strategy
Of the divorced, professional men that I know, all of them had orders of protection against them by their wives.
This is even a problem that is recognized by the courts. Some attorneys go so far as to admit that the ‘afraid for my safety’ issue is part of the ‘gamesmanship of divorce.’ I went from the mindset of being a father to the child, to being reduced to the status of a ‘visiting uncle’ or a ‘Disneyland dad’ allied with thinking all the time like an attorney.
I was often worried what would happen if she started to make untrue claims that I had (for example) abused the child. When he fell over and scraped his arm when he was with me, I was advised by my attorney to go to all the trouble of going to the doctor, having the scrape bandaged and so on, just to legally cover myself in case she would claim that it had in fact been intentionally caused.
While on the lookout for anything that could be used against me, all the while constantly being told I was a bad person, a bad father, and all my involvement with my son was systematically stripped away. The whole process became a painful sham.
Where to find the best, affordable life insurance for single moms (no medical exam) in 2023
Father refuses to see his child? Not quite …
I eventually reached a crossroads with four paths. Some men commit suicide because they can’t handle the anguish. Others resort to violence and anger against the ex-wife. Others take the difficult road, and sacrifice years of their happiness, battling on a hopeless battle with the ex, just to maintain some sort of contact with the kids. The fourth way, is to simply give up, and decide that the cost to the child through seeing the conflict, and to oneself, is too high.
I considered all the above paths for a long time and was tempted by more than a few of them. In the end, I walked away from all contact with my child more than two years ago.
What to do when the non-custodial parent doesn't show up or cancels last minute
Mother keeping child away from father
After I had calmed down, I tried again and contacted the ex. I had hoped she would have calmed down and would be willing to work with me.
But no, she is still the same bitter and vengeful baggage that she always was. Rather than attempting to discuss things and put things on the right track, she is willing to communicate in writing only.
She refuses point blank to let me contact the child. Everything has to go through her.
Some people will say it would be the noblest thing to carry on fighting regardless. ‘I would do anything for my kids!’ they spout.
Frankly, I feel that’s very naive and is almost always a view propagated by women.
Any father here who has been generously granted a weekend every two weeks knows the feeling when you say goodbye.
You’re just getting used to having them around, and they are gone. It’s like having a wound that never heals. Like a band-aid being ripped off over and over. The pain never really went away.
During those days, I used to recall these lines from Shakespeare's King John:
Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;
Logically, I have to balance the damage to myself, my life and mental health, the possibility of the conflict damaging the child, against the damage done by my absence.
People who don’t know the situation raise their hands in horror, or pass judgment, assume that this is a choice that is taken lightly and easily. It is not.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. Sometimes I see children in shops that look like my child and find it hard not to break down.
Sometimes I can’t take my eyes away. Even the shoes are the same. I don’t like to watch movies with children of that age in them.
I had to remove all the photographs that I had of my child and every other item and put them in a box. And that’s where all those emotions are now.
In a box, held tightly under control, so that I can try and enjoy some semblance of a normal life. It usually works.
I spoke to my ex recently. She claims that the child is just fine. She doesn’t seem to think that I’m needed and believes that my seeing the child is a bad thing.
She told me that the gifts I had been sending postally were in a box and he never got them. What is the point of trying? Who am I to argue?
She lives with the kid and does the real parenting. All that I could do, once a month or less (she lives a long way from me) would be to visit for a shallow shared visit, a museum trip perhaps – that’s not parenting – that’s just being a Disneyland dad.
I am in despair that many people and the courts expect the impossible. They expect the man to be totally interested, committed, involved with his child’s life – and yet – they make it impossible for that involvement to happen.
How can you remain interested and involved when you are given no information about the child’s everyday life, when even the most basic contact is made difficult or impossible, when you are limited to four days a month contact time if you are lucky?
In far too many cases, the father is merely viewed as a source of income.
The mother is viewed as the ‘real parent’ who almost always gets physical custody of the child. And once she has the child, she is then almost entirely free of the threat of any consequences.
Related: What is parental alienation?
Impact on a child’s life when a father isn’t involved
This is a great shame for the children involved who will probably be involved in divorces of their own or be afraid of marriage because they have seen the consequences when they fail.
I shouldn’t be surprised if more and more men eschew marriage and traditional family values over the next century.
Personally, I refuse to be blackmailed by my better instincts. I refuse to be reduced to the level of a Disneyland dad by some judge, attorney, social worker or indeed his mother.
I refuse to beg for access, or beg for photographs, or ask permission when I can please take him on vacation.
No. They will have no more of me.
One day, I will be able to get in touch without going through her once the child is old enough. Until then, I intend to get on with my life.
Please listen to Terry Brennan, co-founder of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, explain why default every-other-weekend visitation leads to absentee fathers:
Note that in cases where ‘standard’ visitation is awarded — every-other-weekend — fathers become depressed and non-involved, and within 3 years, one study found, 40 percent of children in an unequal visitation arrangement had lost complete touch with their non-custodial parents, which are nearly always the father.
Have a listen:
Bottom line: Father not involved in child’s life? Try to make co-parenting work.
If you are tempted to turn your child against the other parent, or not sure what is the best kind of parenting time arrangement, keep it simple, and equal. In fact, there are now more than 60 studies that prove that equally shared parenting is best for children (and, moms and dads!).
While we're at it, have a read about why a simple, fair 50-50 shared parenting time with no child support is the best, fairest, and most feminist arrangement.
To prevent this kind of trauma, here are some tips to how to make co-parenting work:
- Accept that mothers and fathers are equal. This is a gender equality issue
- Accept that just because the other person doesn't parent like you do, that is not abuse.
- Let him fail, succeed and find his own parenting style. Many dads become better fathers after divorce because they have to.
- When communicating with him, use ‘your house' and ‘my house' … not ‘Home.' Same when you address the kids – “daddy's house” and “my house.” Both places are their homes..
- Keep him posted on matters large and small. Even if he doesn't show up for the teacher meetings, or make the doctors’ appointments, keep him abreast of what is happening with the kids.
- Buy him holiday and birthday presents on behalf of the kids.
But the bigger challenge is to change our culture, from one in which it is presumed that fathers are incompetent, and mothers are the default primary parent. Terry Brennan of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, and an equality activist. Listen to our podcast conversation:
For more on co-parenting communication, and reasons for better shared parenting, read: Co-parenting rules–even with a difficult ex
What do you think? Are you a dad who no longer sees his kids? Why? Please share in the comments …
Or, are you the mother of a child with an absentee father? What is your response?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children.
After studying this issue for years, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced, and there is plenty of legitimate room for both of these points of view. What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
As a mother of two special needs kids who father just walked out on us. Who made plans with his mistress to leave us and never come back. I’m disgusted you would even give most men on here any excuse.
Most men who leave their children as I’m finding out are Narcissistic, who are pathological liars, and so of them borderline sociopaths.
By you even giving a excuse to these types of men shame on you.
There a special place in hell for women like you. Who actually turn villains into hero’s. Abusers into nice guys. Abandonment actually is emotional, and mental abuse and trauma on the children.
i”m sorry. I don’t agree with this post. I am reading between the lines about this so called “good dad” that mother is just keeping him from his kids.
I am a brother to a wonderful mom of 3. The dad says all the same things as above and guess what, He is being kept away because he’s not good for the kids. And a kid that says “I’m not comfortable talking about that” sounds like a healthy minded child with good boundaries. What was this guy asking the child that made the child have to say that in the first place?
Stop saying good dads are kept away. There are more bad dads and abusive dads claiming to be good dads then good dads claiming to not see their kids. As a dad, I have acquaintances with the same sob story above and guess what. They aren’t good dads!
Wealthy Single Mommy you need to stand by other women and not merge the issue. Kids need good dads but if a dad is a narcissist then they are better off with no dad. Ask most kids with bad dads. they would agree with my statement.
Just take what I’m saying.
This is false. It’s a tactic and games played by opposing divorce attorneys and family law court judges. Don’t play into it. Most states will NOT remove father’s rights even if he ends murdering children’s mother. Children will be required to visit him in prison. Custody support vs custody and visitations are not the same thing. If father does not visit his children nor provide besides the most basic and minimum, then it could be considered “abandonment”. We see fathers who violate protective orders, pass supervised visitations to only endanger his children as leverage to NOT pay child support, steal property and harm his entire family.
Fathers who WANT to be with their family and children, it shows. Judges will see through those antics as most states do want children to have both parents involved. However, both need to be present and involved. Most judges are males – so they’re not going to give their own parenting rights – trust courts do not play into any antics. If anything, in more affluent counties, children are removed from their mothers who are the primary caretakers and alienated. There’s financial abuse as their mother sacrificed to be the stay at home care taker. It’s unfortunate. Don’t let opposing greedy attorneys get the best of either of you. In the end, they all have drinks together afterwards and conspire. They all campaign fund for those judge’s reelection. You might be entering their courtroom the first time but for the rest – they grew up together, play together and conspire with one another as they have built relationships. It extends into criminal court, DA offices and other. Do what’s in best interests of your children. Refuse to play into those antics. They also have relationships w law enforcement agencies which is why in some states and/or counties, government employees and attorneys are acting as sovereign citizens. It doesn’t have anything to do with you – they’re going to take what they can from you. Delaying is another tactic to drain your retainer. They scare the mothers with exact same tactic as they do fathers.
Good luck and don’t read above articles as it could be from a family judge like Alicia franklin York who used to be a court-appointed CPS attorney. She billed government and tax payers 23/24 hours daily for a whopping over $800,000 salary. She does not have any children and her spouse Douglas York is the dirtiest divorce attorney (past “dirty cop” in Houston) known to that city. Their peers testified and will state their disdain for this couple who victimize all their clients. Douglas York – as a former “dirty cop” – will send criminals and convicts to stalk, harass and steal your property. He has a long record of fraud financial institutions from his own clients. With their exposure, comes with many in their testimonies in federal courts nationally. Ultimately – they still have to have a willing participant – so will use opposing client if he/she is willing to commit crimes they’re setting them up for. It’s important to report these attorneys and judges to their State Board so others are no longer victimized. Everyone’s children are used as leverage – it’s the only thing they have as they’re minors and keep them held as custody of the “court”. What they can’t do, is take away your civil and constitutional rights. Don’t commit crimes nor offenses. Don’t listen to antics of this attorneys who are combatting you both against one another. Record and document. In the end, both want a divorce and none of you won a thing for your children.
As for these articles of alienation – halt the divorce attorneys from playing these games to delay divorce process in family court. Otherwise, as an author, I suspect you know nothing of how courtroom antics really work. There are no alienation of father’s rights. Once family law attorneys and those judges/DA offices stop acting as sovereign citizens, justice is restored.
This was horrible (speaking as an ex-father), but I can empathise to the letter what these accounts have gone through. My ex was a horrible person to me – mentally abusive and occasionally physically (Never to the child) to the point where had to leave. I saw my 2 yr old daughter every other weekend on a Saturday. To start with I saw her for an afternoon or morning – within the first month or so of splitting up our bond was as close as ever, but as the months went on that gradually disappeared from my child’s eyes – times we spent got shorter because she wanted to go home, she no longer knew me as dad but by my first name whilst ‘dad’ was my ex’s new partner.
I tried to see her during the week after work, but I’d be half way to her house (I lived 40 mins away) only to then be told my daughter had gone to bed because she was too tired (so me ex told me).
I struggled mentally – to reiterate what one of the above accounts said it I became more of a ‘Disney land dad’ (never heard that phrase before reading this). Seeing my child for sometimes 2 hours a month where my ex made it purposefully difficult for me to increase that time was heart breaking. In the end, my daughter had a closer relationship with the living in partner than me, and every time me daughter asked to go home after seeing her for an hour or so broke me.
In the end, I had to weigh up the stability she had through my level of contact vs the ‘normal’ life she’d have with constancy, and my own mental wellbeing.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Making the decision to stop seeing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever done to the point where I too had to store all her photos away to keep my emotions separate. I now live 3 hours away from her. Anytime I see a little curly haired Child that looks like my daughter I find it so hard to swallow the lump in my throat. I feel awkward around friends‘ children Because I feel like I’ve let my own down.
I’ll never know if I made the right decision or not, and will always feel ashamed for having to walk away – like I’ve failed. But at the same time the only thing I’ve been able to do is rebuild my life rather than staying stuck in the present, miserable which was how I felt when I my ex limited my contact time because she was the primary carer. I was a devoted father, And I loved my child more than anything. I can’t even admit to having a child anymore in the fear of being judged by any new friends I’ve made since because they might. It understand and tarnish me with the “deadbeat dad” label, so now I’m left living with a huge secret.
I certainly don’t agree with shaming mothers or fathers, but I do feel like a lot of the time there’s next to no empathy for fathers, so reading this article was so reassuring to know there are cases out there which aren’t the simple “get up and run” moments you hear about when fathers don’t see their kids.
I am a dad, my 3 year old boy is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I tell him that all the time. I used to be his hero, when tumult came I encouraged him to be strong, to be happy when you can, and he listened.
The eroding of my image as his hero, someone he could look up to, someone he could trust to be calm in the face of the storm seemed to erode almost overnight.
My boy was born with narcotics in his system and mom had a child welfare case for it. I resolved to work through it with her for the sake of the family. That was over three years ago and I have been brought to my knees, like the writer said I’ve contemplated suicide.
My awesome son is three and a half and he went from being in awe of me and being influenced greatly by me, to not wanting to even see me anymore, consistently. He is suffering and I can see it in everything he does and it breaks my heart like nothing ever has or ever will.
Everything changed when I had to ask Mom to leave after nearly a week straight of her screaming, cussing, and yelling at me in front of him at two years old, right in front of him. My pleas to not do this in front of our child actually made her get louder. I gave her 30 days to find a place, she was working, and I said she could have more time if she needed it. She told me I had to leave my own home which I had done countless times before, slept in my car etc. This time I said no, not in the angry condition you are in, my stuff would have been destroyed and my home potentially burned to the ground it was that bad.
She claimed to mutual friends that I threw her out on the street, cheated on me with someone I thought was my friend, was using hard drugs and began to attempt to distance me from my child. When one too many barriers had been erected I reported her to child services for suspected emotional abuse (kid told me that his mommy hates him and he wants to DIE, before he was 3 years old), and drug addiction. Even with the history she refused a drug test and they didn’t make her take one.
After child services and a wellness check he changed overnight. She can’t stand the eyes of the state on her and expressed such contempt for me doing such a thing. She has a bad temper and anger problem. Now he does also. She takes legitimate concerns I have with how she is influencing him and ignores them by saying “you think it’s all my fault.” One of the worst times I can struggle do remember is when her phone called me on accident while I was going through a very rough patch. For three minutes it recorded without her knowledge, it recorded the man who she cheated on me with (who she supposedly didn’t see at all anymore knocking on the door. She immediately started bawling in his arms that I’m going to kill myself, that I need rehab.
My ex-partner took my child and moved back to her/our (I have duel nationality) home country (Northern Europe) and I have made the decision to cut off communication for the immediate future and not provide her with child maintenance but to open an account for my daughter and deposit money monthly. I don’t know if it is the right decision but wanted to write down my reasons as to why I made this choice.
When I met my ex, I had just gone through a difficult divorce and custody battle and I have another child in my country of origin (Mediterranean) that I still currently live in. I ensured that I have very regular contact with my first child and went through hell to obtain this. I pay child maintenance for my first child and was paying regular maintenance to my second until very recently when I made the decision to stop payments and save it in an account instead.
I foolishly rushed into a relationship with an old friend of mine who came to this country on holiday every year after my divorce and very stupidly had unprotected sex with my now ex. Before becoming pregnant, my now ex wanted to move to my country of origin as she had come here on holiday many times and we believed that we were madly in love and that we could make it work. When she told me that she was pregnant I asked her if she wanted to continue with our original plan of moving out here as I wanted us to be a family but told her that under no circumstances would I move to her country as I have a child here and I can never leave her. My ex chose to move out here.
My ex did not like life in my country of residence at all and there are aspects of life here that are more challenging than in her home country. The year was incredibly tough, both financially and emotionally as I was the sole provider for the majority of our time together and a newly divorced dad so savings were non-existent. On top of that, my own family were not happy with our relationship but once our daughter was born and with stern words from myself that I would not have them disrespect my ex and new family, they came around. I managed to get my ex a job but after a few months she decided to quit as she was not happy and really just wanted to move back. She continued to give it a good try here and was able to find a much better-paying job that she was due to start later in the year. I hoped that with a better income and change of scenery that my ex would start to enjoy the finer things this country has to offer. It is a very Mediterranean lifestyle and does definitely have its perks. Our daughter was going to a good nursery, had good medical provision and most importantly had both her parents who loved each other,
However, if someone just doesn’t like the place they live in, there’s no changing that I guess. My ex decided to leave early this year and not come back. She left the job prospect she had and moved back to her mum’s and is now struggling to make ends meet as she still hasn’t found a job, in large part due to Covid I guess. Considering that one of the big reasons she decided to leave was the idea of better job prospects in Northern Europe and better pay, the situation seems quite ironic now. We did not separate on bad terms and I believe we still genuinely loved each other. I did not stop her as I knew from past experience that a desperately unhappy partner will inevitably lead to a break-up down the line.
When she left and took our baby, I was obviously devastated and felt a part of me being ripped out. She really is the most beautiful and innocent baby with so much character and joy. I gave regular maintenance payments until now as it is clearly the right thing to do. I hated being a Skype dad, it is so heart-breaking to see your baby girl and not be able to cuddle and kiss her. I went from being involved in every part of her life to being some guy on a screen. At first I called daily, then my ex told me that she wanted me to call only on Sundays as she needed to heal and get over me. I refused and we compromised on every other day. Then I decided on only Sundays and this is why:
My ex started asking me for money to pay her credit card debt while she lived out here. We used card sparingly and only when absolutely desperate when I literally had no money left at the end of the month (I covered all rent, bills, nursery fees etc while she lived here). I even had to ask my parents from some money at times just to get through the month. She decided to bring up the debt during my Skype visits with the baby and when I disagreed, she would go into hysterics and close the call. This only happened twice as I told her from now on I will only call on Sundays because it was too emotionally straining having the fear that the call might be cut off if she was unhappy with any way. My only contact with my daughter was completely supervised by me ex and her mother who gave her ‘two cents’ every now and gain as well.
She gave passive aggressive jibes every now and again questioning how much I cared and how my ex didn’t want me to forget about our daughter like her father did to her. I felt that there was a narrative that was created about me and my ability as a father was repeatedly questioned. This was too much for me and I felt that I was ‘damned if I do and damned if I don’t’. She was upset that I didn’t go chase her to her home country despite me clearly telling her that I cannot leave where I live as I will never choose to leave either of my daughters. My ex created that ultimatum.
Because of this, I started feeling strong resentment towards her. First of all, she left me ad took our child when we could have had a very good life here, My eldest daughter lost her sister and still asks if she’s coming back. She moved back to her country on the idea that life will be better for our daughter but that is simply not true. Our daughter now has a worse quality of life then she had here and I do not have the income to rectify that. Her mother needs to get a job and I appreciate how hard that is for a single mum. Our lost conversation was my ex crying about how broke she is and how I send money to help clear ‘our’ (the Credit card is solely in her name) debt. I agreed to help provide for my child, not financially fix my ex’s poor decisions (quitting a paying job and using a credit card to go on holidays to your home country when you have a child to care for are not reasonable decisions imo)
Anyway, I apologise for this mammoth comment and will wrap it up. After seeing where this ‘co-operation’ was heading I proposed either a bank account in our daughter’s name and when the baby needed anything I would withdraw from the account or my ex could work out monthly costs of the baby and I would provide half. My ex refused both options and continued going on about her debt and basically insinuating that it was all my fault that she was in the position she currently finds herself. I then decided to open the account and she won’t see another cent from me unless she produces valid costings of what she needs. I also decided on no further Skype calls for the immediate future and left it open because it is eating me up inside not seeing my daughter, even if the Skype meeting are nowhere near ‘quality time’. I will only be able to afford to see my daughter a few days a year as my ex made it clear that she won’t be coming back here on holiday and of course the baby can’t travel on her own. She won’t let me come and get the baby so that’s out of the question also.
The baby is so young and I’m just a Disney Dad (without being able to afford a Disney trip!), why go through all of this? The age where my daughter will be able to really get the best out of this kind of ‘parenting’ seems so far away, better to cut things loose right? It doesn’t feel like the right decision and I already know that I will very soon re-establish contact but the psychological impact of long-distance parenting really can’t be understated. I’m just mentally exhausted from it all and can empathise with the writer.
Having been in two of three of the roles in these family dynamics, I can bluntly say this is a load of shit! I was a child whose father was literally unknown to me until I was 37 years old & went looking for him. At first I heard these excuses and felt really bad for him. After about 2 -3 years and sitting him down one time to tell him how his lack of involvement in my life effected me as a child and now adult, he let the truth out : he “never wanted to be a dad” and had “no interest in being a father or grandfather”. The act was up! I no longer bother sending holiday greetings even.
As for the 2nd perspective, I am a divorced parent to 3 kids and one moved in with my ex due to differences in rules at home. The ex and I do not have a good coparenting relationship – I requested one of those apps because I hoped it would keep said ex reigned in (it doesn’t). So 1 kid lives with ex, 2 live with me. One that lives with him hasn’t spoken to me other than to tell me how hated I am for 2 years now! I spent the last two nights on virtual parent teacher conferences about that child. I send daily texts reminding that child I love them. I know their doctor’s appointments (if they ever have them because I called and got added to those accounts myself – my ex pretended I was out of the picture.) The other two children who live here refuse to see my ex because ex moved 700 miles away without even saying a word to them. My ex is listed on all their school and extra curricular activities despite the distance because I put my ex on there yet not once has my ex participated in a parent conference or activity for them. I don’t bad mouth my ex to my kids – I teach my kids one simple truth: Love is a Verb! My ex moved out and disappeared, came back to ask for visits for a while but when it meant homework and activities for the kids, moved away without saying goodbye or anything. My one child who lives with my ex does so because that child had such rage when my ex disappeared my kid got put in juvy. I said – child needs time with the other parent and can go (not realizing of course that my ex was hundreds of miles away and would take my child there without telling me). That child is failing school despite having higher grades from a much more difficult school when living with me. My ex still blames me for everything that doesn’t turn out in my ex’s favor – one of the most tell tale signs of a narcissist. This article is one giant narcissistic sob story.
Emma Johnson is not a therapist, she has no training in family sciences or human behavior. What she is good at is floating sensational headlines and sacrificing involved parenting for a career.
Although I am from Germany, I still want to leave a comment here. I am not blaming anybody, neither males nor females but it seems as the current situation we see on this planet is a sustainable demolition of family structures, very much likely created on purpose by those in power. I am not talking about politicans here, who are just executing what they have been told to do and what they are paid for so well. I would even argue, that this new-structuring could be in the best interest of the next generations as they would be forced more to look for answers within themselves than the generations before them who were much more dependent, sometimes even into their adult years. BUT due to the rise of feminism and support woman have been receiving in general over the last decades, you are automatically a bad person in general in the moment you have a d*** between your legs. Let me put this straight: as a man you find yourself almost delivered to this process, that seems to be very much alike comparing it to others altough there is some individal differences which each situation and the persons involved.
She wants a child so badly that she does everything to realise her goal. She didnt want to work anymore and with regular support paments she may have to work only parttime. She (and it is mostly Women who leave the relationship) finds another man very quickly and blames her ex for not being good enough. Lets be true: there will NEVER be a man who is good enough for women who grew up in the knowledge they can have everything and its their right to be happy. Keywords Narcissts and Empaths. YES, there are male empaths walking this planet as well as female narcissists. So you, as a man, finally find yourself without home, without child, without money AND are forced to stay close to your children what potentially will limit your future possibilities. You suddenly reach a point where you have to make a decision: the child or me. To make such a decision is the hardest thing I ever had to do but I dont see any other choice because I would never be able to live the life I truly imagined for myself. I would be happy if I would have any perspective at all concerning my future. But she does! I am sitting in my parents house with almost 40 years, depressive, alone, afraid, lost, broke etc. No one gives a shit about those dads who want to be a good father but simply cannot play the game due to the circumstances they face. So what do yo do? I have days, where I hardly can get up, where I break down only thinking about my 5 year old son. I cannot watch children play outside, cannot watch movies with boys of my sons age. This is destroying me on a level I never thought was possible. Shall I commit suicide? Is that the soluation? Are you fucking kidding me? I am a human being as well and my inherent right is to live a happy and healthy life according to my own conditions. I get to known more and more dads who separate themselves physically and emotionally FOR THEIR OWN SAKE AND SANITY!
It’s tough and it doesn’t get easier, but with time, you’ll be able to cope. You just have to stay busy. Keep your mind occupied with good things. The system is designed to chew us up and spit us out. Don’t let these ghouls break you. They’ll take evrything from you, but don’t give them an inch. Definitely, down give them your life. Be well. Godd bless you.
I’m father of my son. 6 months not see him. Just evaluate and visitation by supervised mother. I can’t do it anymore. I want see him in person and give him what he wants. I don’t want facetime on video anymore. I did give up whole things. But, move on. Next chapter new life, start over and see someone else. Meet new woman and want help me change life, have her 3 new babies and move along. The problem is, my ex can had my son long years without see Dad. She put him in brainwashing and gone by. Smh
Sad, sad, sad. I’m almost in tears, my son his 15 and his dad won’t take any responsibility at all. I have always tried encouraged his involvement, but I ended up raising our 2 children on my own after we separated and this was without any financial support from him. With our daughter, he didn’t even have her for one weekend! But ironically she moved in with him after uni!
I had to comment because just for the record, men are 4x as likely to be narcissists then women( e.g. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201503/which-is-the-more-narcissistic-sex) and you know what a major trait of a narcissist is? Not accepting responsibility that is blaming the other her person so please don’t believe everything you hear!
I’m not saying all women are innocent, but I think the problem is not as widespread as it seems. Certainly not 50/50. I know more irresponsible Dad’s sadly than responsible ones sadly. No-one I know would behave like this. And please Dad’s DON’T GIVE UP, if all else fails, never stop trying – worse case you can contact them at 18!!! Children need to know they are wanted and loved.
I feel your pain! I am a mom with my son’s dad and the judge denied our son reunification with us. There is a history of domestic violence perpetrated by my son’s father onto my son and I and restraining and visitation orders broken by the two of us. Although it is important to note that while the previous sentence is true, my son’s father for 3 years had received anger management training, completed dv classes and produced that proof at the last court hearing, done community service and had been and was on probation before I decided to take our son to see him. Unfortunately though, my son’s dad’s violent history and angry outbursts at social workers during our case and the fact that I was not able to maintain long term separate housing from my son’s father, led to the judge denying custody returned to me. I feel so desperate and in despair. I am being punished for being a victim and labeled as a mother that did not protect her child by returning to live with my son’s father because my child desired to see his father and my aunt and uncle would not let me parent my own child (they are the ones that called the police on my son’s father and I for violating restraining and custody orders because I took my son to his father’s house to see him on Father’s Day which he said he wanted to do.) The visitation order stated a professional monitor had to be present and the visit had to take place in a public setting. I am getting punished with my son’s father because I took his side. Reading this was heartbreaking and I feel and truly empathize now with father’s pain. I hope one day this hell changes for fathers in society and we stop victim blaming and shaming mothers for supporting the fathers of their kids. ❤
If your daughter moved in with him after University, I’m guessing she finally became conscious of your narcisstic behavior. Have you thought on what you may have done to make it difficult for him to have a relationship with your kids? I really don’t appreciate your gender bias and discrimination of fathers to help support your weak position. I think you need to get some professional help.
She said without any financial support from him. If you willingly dismiss childsupport your a reasonable person. I find that the opposite of narcissistic behavior. But the gender thing yeah full of it you just know the wrong kinda dads then. Could be a personal problem.
I am 39 years old and had my daughter at the age of 24 with a college sweetheart. My daughter is 16 years old now and I spent the first 14 years doing everything possible to be an involved father and relentless commitment. She was my first daughter…my pride..my ambition..one of my main sources of motivation from a professional standpoint and personal growth standpoint. I had a great dad growing up and I wanted to be even better than that, to my own daughter when I got the chance. Her mother has suffered with depression and other emotional challenges..but when my daughter turned 14, her mother started a lot of toxic behaviors (i.e. not allowing me to see my daughter, sending my daughter to me to ask for money for her mother’s own benefit despite me never missing a child support payment, encouraging my daughter to call the mom’s boyfriend “dad” etc). Things began to get worse. The mom started to allege false claims of abuse and initiated 2 phone calls to child protection services that alleged that I abused my daughter, never fed her, etc. Both CPS investigations were, of course, unfounded, butI had to spend 2 critical years and approximately $25,000 on lawyers and therapists fighting for my daughter. At the conclusion of the case, my daughter’s mother filed an order of protection, which was dismissed as the judge knew that I had no reason no interest in communicating, let alone harassing her. While she was blocking me accessing to my daughter, she was also taking me to court for an increase in child support. She manipulated the courts to keep me away which was not sucesful, but she was able to destroy the love and the chemistry that my daughter has with not only me but also my parents and her siblings. I was very exhausted…she managed to brainwash and coach my daughter to say things that I never did. She instilled fear, hatred and animosity in our child that never existed. Many women find it hard to deal with a divorce or break up from someone that they don’t even like, just imagine how torturing it is to have your child…someone innocent that you adore, cherish, and love ripped from you….as you did nothing wrong. The emotional baggage was eventually too much to bear, and at the age of 16 years old…I decided to become an absent father to her. Not out of desire..but out of emotional survival. My daughter and I were close..so I had to hide pictures….discourage ppl from asking me about her and really surppress the pain and hurt, because I was prone to cry at the most random times. I would not wish this circumstance or feeling on my worst enemy.
My ex partner is charming, attractive, intelligent and manipulative. I had been with him 2 going on 3 years. We have a little girl 10 months old. Before we separated I had given him ample warning that I wanted us to separate he has addiction problems that we had tried to work through with drug and alcohol services however I realised he only ever did so much because he didn’t really want to stop. His family warned me along the way but I thought he was really trying. I asked him to move out at this time he was arrested for drinking and driving and was bailed to our address and told me it needed to go through court before he could change his bail address . I reluctantly agreed to wait for that to happen this carried on for 6 months. In the end I put my foot down and told him it was time to move as he was begining to unravel arriving home drunk and on recreational drugs. I understood addiction isn’t easy but he had all the services to help he suddenly stopped going. Despite this we wrote up a mutual agreement which allowed him to have baby two nights a week at his mother’s farm where he would be living. This was on the bases that if he drank he would let me know and I would keep baby until he was sober. This agreement lasted a 2 months then I noticed his habits were changing he was drinking more often and started turning up at my place unannounced drunk. I was mentally drained and needed some structure and stability as he wasn’t respecting boundaries. I went to the courts to have an agreement done which lead to supervised visits but the judge allowed me to decide who would supervise I chose his mum and she signed a contract. I pleaded with the judge that he is a good father when he’s well but that he needed rehab to sustain sobriety and strict rules around his baby, I said he loves our daughter she was the only thing stopping him from having a full blown relapse. Judge organised a follow up court which to decide on directions. Before we got to court babies father turned up unannounced again pleading for me to take him back. I was still in love with him but I knew I couldn’t just go back together he needed help that I couldn’t give him. I had two choices ring the cops or let him sleep it off and keep trying for our baby. He woke was sorry he left. This behaviour kept happening and his mother allowed it I went to check baby and his mother that signed to be supervisor wasn’t home he had baby on his own now he wasn’t drunk he was hungover looking the reason I checked was because his mum came on her own to pick up baby saying he had to do some work on the farm I did trust his mum but said in future I need to see that her father is straight headed. I let her know that I couldn’t allow anymore bad behaviour that I know he’s a loving father but if I kept agnoring his behaviour we could both loose our baby. Anyway it didn’t stop his mum began to become two face with me and things got worse in the end I had to report him to police as he arrived at home again. My babies lawyer stopped all visits I’ve had a hard time explaining that he needs rehab nothing would work until he’s had extensive rehab. I feel sorry for my baby she loves father so much and goes round calling dada. He is now saying I’m using baby as a weapon and that I am controlling as he sees his addiction isn’t a problem because he has managed to cut down. I’ve left out alot because it would be pages long. Basically he is walking away but managed to make it seem like I am keeping him away from our baby but all I wanted for baby was safety, healthy boundaries and structure I would do anything for our baby girl even work around her father’s addictions as there is drug use also he has managed to cut it down to 2 days a week but the behaviour didn’t change I love him dearly and wish him well and will tell my girl all the beautiful parts of her father as I know she will look for him one day and I will help her I just hope she understands what she finds I will do my best to teach her without tainting her few of her father. ❤️
What about the woman who has to go through all the baggage and pain with the father?
I came here because I am struggling too. My girlfriend and I decided to relocate to FL in 2006. We had our first son in 2007 and our second in 2008. We were in our early 20s, and we scraped by. We met as teenagers and had our ups and downs. In the final year of our relationship, she filed for child support while we were still together. Doing this behind my back, the first I heard of it was when my work received the judgment. I assume she used her mother’s address as her residence and had the paperwork sent to our house, and since she was unemployed, she could check the mail. She explained it was best because if things didn’t work out, I would not start in arrears. This caused issues because I would get paid, but we would have to wait for the child support to be loaded. We were already so stretched that this caused our electricity to get turned off while waiting on the child support on one occasion. We became miserable; I would go to work and come home, and the house was a disaster. I offered her to have a baby sitter a few days a week, which we could ill afford so she could have some time to get things done. We decided to separate, and she would get a job and live nearby. Instead, she had been talking to someone on FB back from Ohio, so one day, I came home, and she had our car packed up and was moving back to Ohio.
I was devastated. I was in FL with no family with minimal means. No car and could barely afford a place to live. I didn’t know my rights. At first, she would let me call and talk to the boys. I would fly up for the holidays. The communication became less and less frequent. Then one day, she sent me a long email explaining what she did was best for the kids, and she was getting married. She suggested a stepfather adoption at; first, I resisted. Over time, with less and less communication and barley surviving because of the amount of child support. I thought maybe it was best. I could only see my boys a couple of times a year. She made it difficult to communicate via phone. So I agreed. Well, then she strung me along, and finally, I realized that was not going to happen. Instead, she just cut me off, blocked me on everything. She moved multiple times and then moved to Seattle. I tried to find ways to open a dialog but had no way to communicate. Years have gone by, and I had to stuff the emotion down deep. The more time that went by, the guilt and hopelessness built up. I didn’t have te resources for a legal battle.
Now 11 years since she left, my boys are 11 and 13, and I don’t know what they look like or much about them. Now I am in a much better financial situation. I purchased a home with four bedrooms, so we had plenty of room. I have thought about reaching out to her husband to try to appeal to what’s best. I was a far from perfect father and made mistakes I was just a kid at the time. I was never violent or aggressive with her nor the kids. I just can’t understand for the life of me why you would want to rob the kids of knowing their father, especially one that wants to be involved. My father past away when I was 18, he was far from perfect, but he loved me and showed me every opportunity he got. I can’t imagine not knowing him. My hunch now is it’s probably easier for her to block it out. I have paid child support uninterrupted all these years. There is going to come a day where they look for me and will want to know the truth. As a mother, you would have to see that it hurts them, and maybe they don’t talk about it. Just as a parent, you would have to know that. I am flawed but want to be involved.
Sadly, the kids will be raised to think you’re a bum and you don’t love them, and you may not get a chance to ever heal and build a relationship with your kids. I hope I’m wrong. I want to see you and your kids reunited but the system in place is designed to bleed us dry and leave us cold, broken and labeled as a villian, regardless of the facts. There are some dead beat dads out there, but in this legal game, even the best Dads are all deadbeat dads in the eyes of the court and the people who work in the system. It’s luke being charged in a crime and being guilty and having to prove your innocence. It’s exhausting, and the system will chew you up and spit you out. The only winners are the lawyers and the Courts, who profit from our misery. I truly hope you are reunited with your kids. God bless you.
I’m about to go down that road myself. I have a two year old daughter that I have yet to be allowed to even meet yet. My ex started blocking me out the day that she told me that she was pregnant, and broke up with me. I tried talking with people in her family to “circle the wagons” and come to a cordial co-parenting agreement “moving forward.” She filed for a restraining order a week later saying that I was “harassing” her family and that “I scared her.” The judge granted a temporary restraining as a “cooling off period.”
I’m about 7 months deep into an APR case, represented myself pro se for the first few court dates, and only was able to establish paternity and child support. I’m paying $400 a month and have not met my daughter yet, due to me opening a CS in human services to establish paternity, HS gets to establish CS regardless of visitation, or lack thereof. My case is split in two for now.
I have a lawyer now, we are trying to schedule mediation, which according to the judge, must take place before I get 2-two hour visits with my daughter a week with a CFI present for the first five visits. Due to covid, I don’t have the money to pay my share of the mediation bill, my work hours were cut to only 6 total a week.
I don’t feel like a dad… I have only seen 3 pictures of my daughter, the first of which was my exes new boyfriend holding her. I’ve missed out on everything. I tried a few days ago to visit my exes grandmother to see pictures. She called me a sperm donor, and told me that my daughter has plenty of father figures and that I should just walk away and start a new family.
I hate my life. I miss my daughter. I want to be a father, but his is honestly not working. Sometimes, I think that I should just walk away, because lord knows the cost benefit analysis says that I should. No matter how good of a father I can be, it will never over-come being a weekend dad, and having my daughter grow up the majority of the time in a family that doesn’t like fathers, and only surrounds themselves with men that are subservient to wishes of women for the sake of sexual access…
That ending statement was really beautiful. “One day”, I am sure they’ll come see and want to get to know you. For whatever lost time, they’ll come around because you’d still love them
I feel your pain. I am there, ripping off Band-Aids and sticking them on and having them ripped off, it’s so frequent that the skin is coming off, and the flesh is tearing apart, and I am nothing more than a skeleton of a man of the father that I wanted to be, that I am not allowed to be. My baby is the only blood I have ever known, I’m adopted. My adopted parents kept any information from me of my birth family, and now the mother of my child is keeping my birth child from me. I feel like a paycheck, I just wanted to make my baby the happiest little girl, and now I can’t do that do, because I’m being pushed away by her mother, which is in turn hurting my baby and me. I pay my child support. I recently tried making videos and writing a letter, but who knows if that will ever reach her. I feel like giving up until she’s old enough, but I wonder how my daughter would feel knowing I didn’t try and if she would be broken because her father felt like she wasn’t worth it. She is. She’s worth every ounce of pain, tears, emotional damage, and I would go through it a million times more just so she doesn’t ever have esteem issues. So, I feel your pain, but, I don’t agree with leaving the small place I have in my daughter’s life. Fuck my life, not hers.
Would it matter if I explained all the craziness in my seperation, no, it’s only how it has ended, I have not seen my daughter in 3 years nor has my family, you can send gifts , texts, cards and try all you want once that bond has formed between your child and the other parent there is nothing that will break that, every action of my daughter, her words were just a copy of my ex’s, I had a great and loving relationship with my child , it hurts so much to realize what I have missed with her, you almost have to start to believe your child is dead, and in many ways it’s the truth, you can only hope as they grow they will see what has happened , and realize what they lost and who took it from them. I only hope my bitterness does not grow like my ex’s and I can be there for her, like I was before any of this happened,
Sadly, men do this as well. I knew he was upset and wanted to hurt me after I left. I saw the lying and the strategy through the long, drawn out hearings and the controlling behaviour towards me. But I never thought it would actually get to the point where my little one felt the need to lie. According to him, she says things that are of a neglectful nature and he reports it back to me. These things simply are not true. What is going on? I’m not even an emergency contact. What is the point of a court order if it is not enforced? This, this is heartbreaking. My heart goes out to all the parents, men and women and to the children stuck in these horrible circumstances.
I just wanted to say something:
I know that I may be the exception, not the rule, but I tried to not be prejudiced toward my son’s dad- even though he assaulted me many times (I had to have stitches in my lip/mouth and he put a hole in my mouth), I complied with the weekend visitation rules- but I did so in fear and trepidation that he might start abusing my son.
I felt helpless- I tried to hold my toddler son back a few times from visits when his father was acting angry, but all that just threw us into family court, where the judge scolded me and told me he was going to put me in jail. So I was compelled to continue with the usual visitation routine– all the while hoping and praying my son wouldn’t get assaulted, like I’d been.
Abut a year later, he was assaulted by his father. There was nothing I could do, except go back to court and try to get supervised visitation, which I did.
His father was a charming, intelligent man who was also extremely bright. He was also very funny- he kept the mediation people in stitches with his jokes, and our main mediation counsellor was a woman who found him attractive and was dismissive towards me. I saw this from the very beginning, and there nothing I could do to change it. So I don’t agree that many men aren’t given a fair chance- my son’s father was given every opportunity to change, but he was an abuser, and he continued to go in that direction- ultimately, sexually abusing, and deeply scarring our son. Years later, when he was 11, I was finally able to recover money from the state of CA f-$10,000- for counseling sessions for my now pre-teen. He’s doing well today, thank God- and I really mean that- we human beings think we’re so smart, but sometimes we need to stop trying to make everything “perfect” for the parents, get out of the path of narcissistic people as much as possible, and think about our child’s best interests, not the parent’s.
I have been physically abused by my ex for the last 4 years and the last time he almost killed me was in front of our daughter. He was arrested and charged and now has a restraining order and can’t come near me. I don’t feel safe because his family has threatened me in the mean time and therefore are condoning his behaviour. I was willing to compromise but after all the threats I got I can no longer. I am getting full custody and visitation once a week supervised. I fear for myself and my daughter and therefore I should have the protection I need. It’s not every case where the child needs their dad and vice versa (if the mom is not good).
Dam. That’s horrible. Hope the best for you and your son for so many years ahead. I just hate molestation
I am the father of a 2 year old. My ex pushes me away any chance she get. She likes to control. I cannot do anything unless its under her rules or she revokes my access. I had visits every other weekend. Which was going fine until i got into a relationship. She forced my girlfriend to go over to her place with me which was really my ex only drilling her with questions. My parents, sister, friend no one is allowed to watch my kid at any time. I must be present 24/7. I cannot post any pics on social media and neither can my family. So she puts me in a trapped position. I had a dinner planned and it is at a time my child would have to be back with their mom in like half an hour. So i told her a week in advance that i will bring her home an hour early. She tells me the day of that she is not going to let me go to the dinner. Its my time with my child. Well sorry things come up in life where i child can be watched by someone. She will not allow that and revokes my access. Any little thing i do or need to do she accuses me that its more important than my kid. And that when my kid was born i gave up my social life.i dont believe that at all. I am allowed to have a social life and be a parent. She is making my life hell. I am not going to live under her rules and control and i am not going to court wasting thousands of dollars just to lose and drown in debt. I have unfortunately come to the conclusion i cannot take her bullshit anymore and am going to stop seeing my kid. When she is older i will gladly see her. Righy now my ex is making my life impossible to live.
for your daughter sake you need to fight for her and your rights, i dont know how much you make , but you can go to court and fill out a form based on your income so all your court fees will be waived but you need to put a stop to your child mothers behavior . I first you start with filing a visitation order and once the mother does not let you see your child on your vist day call the police show them your visitation order stamp by the court, they will give you a card , then file a contempt of visitation and put her ASS in jail . also in your visitation order put in there if this becomes an on going issue with her not obeying court order you want to seek full custody. but you do want to apply for joint custody you have your child 50 percent of the time, if you go through the courts she will be following the court rules. any communication with her let it be through text message so you can show the court what type of person she is . when my friend mother was treating him the same he did all of the above, and when it was time for him to pick up his child, the mother orders was at visitation time the father would blow his horn and the mother would let the child walk out and he had do contact with the mother. you can not give up on your child , their is to much free soures out here to help you
and if your child goes to school in the order on the days you have your child you pick them up and drop them back at school and the mother will get them from school on their days and give a copy of that order to the school . in the order put you want access to your child schoold rtecords and emergency contact and most important add that the mother can not leave with your child out of the state or without a court order and if she moves she needs to give you and the court notification within a certain lengh of time. do not give up . you can contact me at [email protected]
These anecdotal accounts are nothing compared to what has been actually occurring nationwide for decades. A scientific report was prepared for former North Carolina Senator Richard Burr around 2006 regarding the fraudulent practices and actions of states in enforcing the federal statute CSPIA. Essentially ~95%+ of all domestic violence accusations made in family court are completely false or fabrications, as admitted by the actual petitioners (the vast majority of whom were female), in tens of thousands of interviews in family court houses across the United States. The top reasons given were to seek revenge on their ex-husbands (or ex-wives to a lesser extent), or to cover up their own infidelities. Limiting or barring access altogether to children was almost unanimously admitted by said petitioners to be utilized in order to maximize child support payments to the petitioners (mostly, but not always women mothers). State family court judges, the report concluded, also directly participate in the scams by ordering zero or minimal visitation, while being cognizant that the federal rules allow for financial incentives to the courts based on the sheer value of child support dollars collected. Divorce attorneys are also enriched by being needed to defend the respondents (mostly, but not always men) from said false charges. CPS and DCSS child protection agencies also contribute a sizable stake in incentivizing maximum child support collections via each state’s formula calculations, which disfavor the non-custodial parent most discriminately (again, mainly men). Given that anywhere from two-thirds, three-quarters, to four-fifths of all DV restraining order petitions are dismissed, leaving the remaining 5% of presumably ‘legitimate’ petitions result in a grand total of between 98.3% up to 99% of all DV restraining order petitions being complete nonsense, if the petitioners had not perjured themselves in the other 95% of cases. Yet, we are to simply “believe” women in the vast majority of these cases in the #MeToo generation? Recall that two of the three ‘witnesses’ in the recent Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearing blatantly admitted total fabrication of their accusations, without any repercussions.
My personal experience is that merely because I am a law abiding firearm owner, I was discriminately forced by court order to forfeit custody of my child through systematic forgeries and unsubstantiated allegations. Then, a pseudo-justification of parental alienation by the mother ensued, which mandated involvement of a mental health professional, which has resulted in a single contentious supervised telephone call to my child in a four year period. I am allowed to send cards and letters, without any response to date mind you, but no other contact has been allowed by the ‘mental health professional’ so far. It was suggested that I seek personal counseling to deal with the “loss of my son”, that offering him gifts was paramount to bribery, and I should be patient because “it could take a year” before I can call him. In summary, the entire court, mental health therapy, and legal system conspired to completely destroy my family, or what was left of it. The mother, my ex-spouse, finally admitted to the ‘mental health professional’ that it might have been her fault for abandoning the child by leaving him with me initially, and hence he missed his mother dearly, even though I insisted that they both have regular contact with each other at the beginning of the separation period. Her violent conduct when I started dating again, after nearly two years of separation, and several rejected attempts towards reconciliation resulted in a bitter divorce battle. In addition, six days after agreeing to the visitation schedule, of which I had physical custody, the mother literally kidnapped the child. She then raced to the courthouse to get a bogus PFA request, which was temporarily granted ex parte, all the while a criminal warrant was issued for her arrest. Police said that her PFA petition voided the arrest warrant, without so much as a hearing on the criminal charges. So the police conspired to assist her family court extortion, all under the guise of “fear for her safety, and the child’s safety”. Albeit no criminal charges were ever filed against me personally.
Astonishingly, I had asked my attorney what would happen if the child were suddenly motherless, as I have it on good knowledge that she is in very poor health. His answer was that he would automatically be ordered to be in my custody and care immediately as the only surviving biological parent. Bewildered, I’m asked how would that be possible. He stated that I was not or never deemed an unfit parent. But, I cannot see my child or speak to him through the court order because I might be “dangerous”, and he’s “afraid”, and “uncomfortable” with me.
As you can easily read, my parental rights have de facto and in a pro forma fashion been terminated, albeit not officially. Nor would they ever be terminated. If that were to happen, then I would not owe anymore child support payments. There in lies the rub. In this society, men, and some women, are seen as mere wallets, ATM cash machines, and sperm or egg donors. The no-fault divorce signed into law beginning with old ‘conservative’ California Governor Ronald Reagan in the 1970s opened the door for “Kramer versus Kramer” style judgements across the USA. Currently, I am paying $18,000 per year in total child support payments with absolutely no visitation. That is >60% of the total average cost to raise a child to age eighteen, and three times the cost I incurred whilst I was solely caring for my child individually. This was supposed to be split between two parents, yet was not. It essentially is a version of backdoor alimony, as it is generally disallowed in modern times. However, I was never stingy financially when my child lived alone with me. We ate in fine restaurants most days. I spoiled him generally. But the child support payments are 20% of my annual gross income. This is supposed to be split between two parents, but, it rarely is.
As a result, with my new partner, I will not publicly acknowledge her as anything more than a partner, a business relationship only. I insist that we split everything, and if we should have our own child, I have demanded that I not be on the birth certificate whatsoever. I will spilt evenly, child expenses as long as we remain together. We have agreed, in writing and verbally, that if she leaves with the child, which will be inevitable in my opinion, then contractually she cannot pursue child support payments in the future. The decadence of human familial relations and general society in favor of the state is preferencially dissolving.
Well i think women are just bitter i come from foster care and Ive seen a lot the courts side with the women whether their truthful or not it doesnt matter what the father has to say where just suppose bow down to the women. I look forward to being a father just to shut out told im not going to raise he’s my child by the mother and just send me money money and not you cant send stuff for him so there’s really no help for guys who want to do the right thing and bet the family court system that set up to make men fail and be trapped it really sad and get to be depressing sometime women can lie on the man and we have to deal with the consequences its not right.
No dude no. In some case, itll be, “yeah”, or “maybe”, in some situations for men that deal with a “bitter and vengeful baggage”.
But no dude no.
It’s not that women a bitter, some men are very controlling and manipulative that use their kids to hurt the mother. I’m a parent of 1 trying my best to be civil but nothing that I do is very good enough. I’m always portrayed to look like the villain.
This is so sad! I have 2 grown children. I divorced their father when they were little. The stepmom was abusive. I tried to talk to him about it, but he wouldn’t listen. I didn’t want to be the mom who kept their kids from their dad. I limited overnights when they were little. As they got older I let them decide when & how long they stayed.
I have a baby now. An unplanned pregnancy. I support the father’s requests for visits. He chooses to get our baby every Friday through Saturday. He also video chats with him during the week. He has him now for 4 days because his family is in town and wants to spend time with him.
Kids need to come before adults. Kids need both parents. I’m far from perfect, but will never interfere with my kids relationship with their father.
That black and white thinking is evidence of a serious problem with logic and reality. There may be MANY reasons a father is not involved, aside from just number 1 and number 2. You completely fail to mention domestic violence.
Adrianne, you’re projecting your own situation on everyone else. Everyone’s case is different. You sound very angry and biased against men. Despite what you seem desperate to believe, every custody case does not involve “abuse”.
This is coming from a custodial mother, by the way. Seek help.
Thank you.
Parental alienation crosses gender, race, class, and economic boundaries. What this father talks about happens to mothers as well. It is the standard alienator handbook 101…..the targeted parent is “abusive”, the kids are told to call you by your first name, told not to smile in pictures with you, to mistreat you, swear at you, be destructive. I have lived through hell and back…then hell and back again. I am a woman, a mother of my three children, and my x husband is an alienator. Not just any alienator, but an obsessed alienator. Call it bitter, call it immature, call it mentally abusive, whatever the reason is, my x husband cannot co-parent and uses the children as pawns to hurt me. He either is not able to understand why this is damaging to the children, or doesn’t care. But whichever it is, still doesn’t make it right. Parental alienation crosses all boundaries and what you describe is not specific to being male. it is specific to targeted parents. Men are alienators as well. Sadly, we live at a time when there is so much more to be learned about parental alienation. Giving up is not the answer. I know its hard, as I have done it for 6 years. I have spent over $300,000 fighting in court just to know my own children. But I have to tell you, that through my own developed strategies, and a good lawyer who specializes in parental alienation, and a reunification therapist, I have managed to continue to know my children and in fact, rebuild my relationships with my kids. I was at the point of complete estrangement from my children, and now I am able to hug them, kiss them, and they smile in pictures again and call me mom. If you asked me if I would ever be here 5 years ago, I would have never thought possible. It is only now that lawyers, therapist, judges and other professionals are starting to understand what parental alienation is. We are now learning how damaging it is for the child to be forced to choose sides and placed in a loyalty bond. As hard is it is for the targeted parent, it is harder for the child trapped in this dysfunctional and abusive dynamic. No to make anyone feel bad, but walking away is like leaving the child in an abusive situation. No one would do that if their child was being sexually abused, or physically abused. So why do we find it acceptable to give up and walk away when it’s a case of emotional abuse? Parental alienation is domestic violence. Internal scars can last a lifetime. If you research the long term effects of parental alienation, you will see that it needs to be taken very seriously. Don’t give up. Inside your son/daughter is a child crying out for the love of both parents.