The real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids

 

Related: ‘Should you date a guy who doesn’t see his kids?’

One of the most common and heartbreaking topics I’m asked about is dealing with fathers who don’t see their kids regularly. A recent caller to The Emma Johnson Show had a typically devastating situation: Her 11 year-old-daughter’s father would go months without seeing the girl, and instead spent all his time with his new girlfriend. When the mom asked him why he didn’t return the daughter’s phone calls, he replied: “I don’t have anything to say.”

I gave her some ideas about taking the issue to family court, and managing both the daughter’s and her own expectations (stop trying to control him – you can’t). But the advice the mom told me that was most surprising and helpful was this:

Be empathetic.

The reason that a parent does not fight to be intimately involved with their child is because their sense of self-worth is low.

When you recognize that your child needs you — and you are valuable to them — you show up. You take parenting as a responsibility — not an extracurricular activity.

I’m working on that attitude as both a divorced parent and a child of divorce. My own dad was not involved in most of my life — and that devastated me in ways I don’t yet fully understand, but I have harbored a lot of anger about it. My ex is an awesome father, but there was a time when he was not as reliable as I would have hoped, related to what I wrote about a little bit here. Over the past half year I have let go of a lot of the rage I harbored for my ex over all kinds of things. But I see now that when he is not there for the kids, it is because forces bigger and darker than him are at play. And those things prevent him from being the parent he wants desperately to be — and enjoy his children as much as he otherwise might. Recognizing that allows me to be kinder to him, spend less toxic mental energy managing the situation. I’m a happier person and better mom because of all of the above.

W_Banner_Blog_WealthySingleMommy_0816_02_Turquoise

So when your heart breaks because he stood your son up again, are enraged at his disregard for your time at yet another last-minute cancelation, or your daughter knows her dad is on vacation with the new girlfriend but says he can’t afford to see her, you are 100% entitled to be livid. Because that is bullshit.

But it is also a sign of a broken person.

So practice forgiveness. And practice empathy. 

And report in the comments how it’s going.

Listen to my Like a Mother episode ‘If he doesn’t see his kids, don’t fuck him’:


 

Related:

What to tell your kid when their dad is not involved

My kid’s dad isn’t involved and I don’t know what to say

The real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids

Close the pay gap? Get dads involved? 50-50 visitation and no child support

Should you date a guy who doesn’t see his kids?

A dad explains: “Why I don’t see my son.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never miss an offer or update.

Just pop in your name and email and be the first to find out what WealthySingleMommy is up to!



No B.S. I will never sell your contact info.

380 thoughts on “The real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids

  1. This is a daily endeavor, but when successful I find peace and in return am a better mother to my daughter. That said, livid is a perfect description of how I feel when my 1 1/2 year old daughter’s father says he is exhausted after only spending 4 hours with her in almost two months. Even more infuriating when he says he can’t afford to see her more, but money is never an issue when taking vacations and long weekends for himself with his plus one. The anger, I feel, is simply the result of knowing my daughter deserves better and there is nothing I can do to convince him of that. Solution: forgive and try my damnedest to at least be the mother my daughter deserves.

    1. Yes, totally human to be angry. Trust me! In fact, I suggest you be angry for yourself, too — when he misses visits, you don’t get a break, a reliable schedule, or the co-parenting arrangement most of us crave. It sucks. But it is life.

      1. Here’s what I think. When a father let s go of the mother emotionally, spiritually, the relationship, sexually etc., he lets go of the children. I believe there IS love but not enough. The men who do step up are the responsible mature ones with a moral compass and integrity. Let go and let god.

            1. You nailed it. My daughters mom clearly told me she didn’t care if I visit my daughter and that she was going to do as she pleased with the money I’m paying in child support which is over $1200 a month plus medical insurance. She even said it was a blessing having this child because of the money she now receives. I want to see my daughter but I now have to move far a way so I can afford rent. The courts don’t care if you live under a bridge. All they care is the money. In the long run it will be better for the child not to have me present because the few times I saw her, the mom was always threatening she will destroy me completely financially. She was even happy when she found out I lost a family member. How could I want to have anything to do with such an evil woman?

        1. I totally agree my 14 yr old gets no money from his father who is a construction worker takes his four other kids on vacation with their mom tell my son about it but will not take him treat him awful sometimes come get him sometimes don’t will not answer his calls for months one time for 2 years when he does come get him he buys the other kids things not him nothing for Christmas birthdays but the other kids whatever they want hate to see my son so hurt but yup nothing you can do but forgive and watch your kid hurt and cry.

          1. Kinda just taught me to never have another kid again or else ill be left alone to care for them and struggle alone I have one and its been a long ride he’s 14 now . struggling and all even when he turns his back on my son he’s always allowed to do it again because the door has to stay open to continue to let him hurt him over and over again because he’s the father have to keep the door open and take the hurt and pain and deal with it I guess .

            1. No dear u dont have to do that to your son try by all means to push this man out of your lives otherwise he will grow up with anger.cut contact with him please

            2. I am a dad and i pay 1200 every month on time and ex will not make sure i get my time .But if she needs something she will start to let me see my son and as soon as she gets it she takes him from me so wtf

            3. No sorry you do not keep the door open for the ex loser to keep hurting the kids, no father is better than a crap one – end of story! It will make the kid tougher and they will eventually stop asking about their loser dad and be happier for it!!

            4. I absolutely wouldn’t allow someone to hurt my child like that. No matter who they are and my ex knows it. He tries that crap with my kids he can kiss goodbye to us/them pandering to his crap ever again

            5. Women like you aren’t just shittyBad mothers straight up. U let man ruin your life for what? becuase u pushed his kid out your vagina? Get your own life n close the dam door your kid is old enough to go look for him if he wants to be abused u don’t need to facilitate that anymore. Go get counseling and try Ginsburg a new life 14 years u sit there miserable n u think that’s being a good mom? You head is Fu**ed up

          2. You don’t get why he is mad. And this is how he is punishing you for his limited parental role. Offer his equal custody, equal visitation and be amazed at the results.

            1. Lol I beg my ex to take the kids half the time and he can even pay half support but he refuses. He only visits them when he’s free so 2x week never a sleep over. Selfish and lost soul. It’s very sad. Trust me I am very accommodating so my kids can see their dad but some men were so spoiled they are still all about them.

            2. I agree. My husband has a child with his ex (she has 5 from 3 different dads!) and they live over and hour and a half away from us. He is military so gone a lot and does sometimes have to cancel because of his job. She does nothing to help us see his daughter, nothing. It is easier to be a parent when you get to have the child actually living with you! It seems like kids always go to the mom in most cases and its not fair. She has used seeing his daughter as a ploy to get more money from us. Also, ex’s, you can be upset about a father not staying in touch with/visiting their kid (whatever the situation may be) but I’m sorry, you cannot be mad at them for having a life and having more children or new girlfriends or wives. That is why people that don’t want to be married forever, shouldn’t have children together. I know we can’t all know that a marriage or relationship may end but obviously when a relationship or marriage ends and a child is involved, it is not ideal and most often, one parent will be in the child’s life less.

          3. You should’ve considered what kind of Man YOU were BREEDING WITH. Your probably boring or annoying so what if he found a new partner how bout u try to do the same instead of sulk n Bitch for 14 years. Pathetic… my dad didn’t show up for visits u know what my mom did? Cut him off n find a new life which she did

            1. Honestly … How dare you judge someone you know nothing about. Get down off of that high horse of yours. If you can’t say something constructive, don’t say anything at all. This lady has come here for help, not for people like you to judge her.

            2. First off all, the statement “My husband has a child with his ex (she has 5 from 3 different dads!)” has nothing to do with the story itself. Your husband is a PARENT, he need to parent his child, find time, call, and etc…she does her parenting. If there is a will, there is a way..

            3. Um so he can just move on and say screw his other kids. If he really wants to see his child he would fight her in court. He would make arrangements to see the child.

        2. My husband let go (except he still asks for sex) and let go of our 3 child’s (12,9 & 2 yrs old). I forgive him for everything he has done to me ( I have a permanent restraining order). Inside im happy he don’t see our kids per court agreement, and even happier he moved on with new girlfriend and kids., but feel sorry for my children as they do miss their dad but one day he will have answer his 1st daughter and 1st son questions.( i.e. Why did you leave us too when you left mommy?) the eldest has most heartfelt questions. Even though my kids father and I are in the process of divorce, I LOVE
          my CHILDREN more than I ever have before my life is devoted to only them and choose not to get enrolled with anyone, as of now it’s been over a year, and As I still do love my estranged husband ( not in love) for giving me our children. I forgive him and leave it in the hands of the Lord God Almighty.

        3. Exactly. My bio dad didn’t give a fuk about me and N gave up my half sister for adoption. My mother cut his ass out my life and I ann so thankful for that. She met a man who became my step dad and raised me for years before he was murdered by our neighbor. The point in making is that he loved me because he loved my mother. When a man is finished with a woman he will love his kids yea but it’s not the same as daily raising. a child who doesn’t see their dad hug n kiss their mother grows up missing the link of human connection how it’s suppose to be instead they blame dad n go on to have daddy issues or anger issues. I personally am thankful my mother cut my bio dad out the equation it gave us the opportunity to have a real man who showed us true love regardless of the DNA link. My bio father later killed himself n then I found out at 30 years old I had a sister he threw away along G with the Whore he was cheating on my mom with… toxic much? Yea. So lesson is just because a man gave sorry doesn’t mean he will give much else. Find true love stop putting so much hype on blood.

        4. Melisa, I think many mothers WISH this were true. But the mother and the child are NOT the same person, no matter how much you may feel it. Most fathers NEVER let go of their children emotionally. Even when the pain of missing their children hollows them out emotionally, and when the grief of having that relationship damaged or severed becomes an unbearable weight carried day after day, they still don’t let go.
          https://walter-singleton.com/2017/02/04/to-envy-those-who-grieve/

      2. Hi Emma,
        I love your post and have read posts by many of the men and women that have responded. Divorced mom, living with our daughter clear across the country from her father (unfortunately). I relate to so many of the posts (by both men and women) in so many ways… For me, Forgiveness is essential to happiness. Forgiveness of self and other. Forgiveness and letting go… I recently read this post by a single dad and I love it (http://www.danoah.com/2010/12/real-dads-dont-leave.html).
        Come on divorced parents, let’s all get over ourselves enough to say we all suck sometimes, we all rock sometimes and deep-down we love our kids more than we will often let ourselves show–for whatever reason. We all love imperfectly (and that’s ok), we are all imperfect (that’s a fact), and being entrusted with the lives of our kids is not an obligation but a privilege… My ex and I do not get along since the divorce but I have never once said anything negative about him to our daughter. Regardless of his behavior (with which I often struggle) I always ask God to forgive me for not being forgiving and I ask that love heal the wounds and rifts. He loves his daughter. He’s hurting and angry… My own relationship with my father (parents divorced when I was 11), had been horrific for years and is now healed. I know what’s possible. Keep the faith.

      3. So they create all this pain and we get told “this is life”….and you want us to empathise with them!!! I think you have that the wrong way. We have all the same feelings as men. When did it become ok for men to take no responsibility for their life choices and women have to empathise with them.

    2. You know, I don’t think your article could be more dead on. I myself have witnessed the struggles of a man who knows what he should be but can’t seem to get there (and that’s putting it lightly). I know undoubtedly that he loves his daughter. But how do I explain to her his absence? When he says he’s going to come and doesn’t? What about missed holidays? I don’t. I can’t. It speaks for itself and I know that. I feel helpless. I feel sad. I know I’m strong enogh to figure this out, to help them out. So that she’ll understand why he isn’t there but still feel loved. What kind of magic is that? I know he loves her, why is this so hard, maybe I’m not doing enough, maybe it’s me that’s bad. Damn him.

      I know how you feel. I feel that way too. Except you and I are very different. That girlfriend you speak of? I’m the 15%of women dating/married to a guy with kids, I want you to succeed in all of this. I want to figure it out with you. I’m trying like hell, it feels like it’s not my place, but he’s struggling so I’ll be the extra push. We talk, I try to explain we’re struggling too, I have my own family to look out for, but your daughter is a priority to me too, believe it or not it is to him. He feels like a failure and seemingly is just giving up. He doesn’t know what to do. You said she’d be better off without him? Remember? He’s a sperm donor? Those two sentances have resulted in a year long battle on my end to speak your child’s name above a whisper. We talk about it more openly now, but I had to put in a lot of work. I had to ask when I know he didn’t want me to, I had to start the hard conversations. Can’t you see I’m pulling for you? I’ll never forget the day we started talking. It was simple, polite. It still is. I’m trying my damnedest over here, but it’s hard. Just know when I’m explaining to you why he’s not there, I want to work with you, stratagize, let’s do it together. I will get you as much money as I can as soon as I can get it. I changed jobs, I have an infant and I’ve got this man to manage. I’m not asking for your sympathy, I agree, this should be easy, it was immediate for us, I don’t know why it’s not that way for him, but we’re working really hard here, we’ll get there-you’ll see.

      Sometimes I don’t feel like we ever will. But I can tell you that I won’t stop trying.

      Sincerely,

      The Other Good Woman

      1. Why would you be with a man who doesn’t love his children enough to be present in their lives? He may love them. But he doesnt love them enough to be present. You don’t think his ex feels broken? Needs a break from parenting to ‘get herself together? Wake TF up! nHe will do the same to your children, if you end up marrying this guy. I was there. I did that. I thought he loved his kids so much but was broken. I tried to push him. We had a child and he is not available for her either. Don’t do it to yourself!!!!!!!!!!! Run for the hills

        1. I totally agree. I’m tired of hearing “he’s broken” or “he has nothing to say”, etc, etc, blah blah blah. I have sympathy for people who OWN their crap. Not for people that are narcissistic douche bags. Unfortunately there are too many of those types in this world. It’s sickening.

          1. I wish it were that way for me. My ex is living with a single mom and her son and she has pushed him away from paying chic support. She up and asked him to move 3 hours away from his daughter knowing that would put a toll on me and his child. I wish he was with a woman who cared about other single mom’s but I lost out and he found one that doesn’t care at all about someone who is in her same boat. Losers they are together. Karma will get her. He should be man enough to tell her to deal with it and yet he isn’t. It’s hearthe wrenching for me to see my child be pushed aside so he can play full time daday to another kid. Men!

            1. My wife has two kids from other men. My steps sons do not receive even a penny from him but somehow they still love their father. I as their step father do not treat them bad i even do not talk to them because i feel like this way… I do not have my own kids, because i wish i could have a woman with not kids so we can start real family like it is supposed to and not raise not kids from someone else. Here is the thing, and honesty i do not know what to do. Every-time i see my two step son, all i see is their father. I feel i am the second on every thing- The second husband, the second baby father, the second on give me a kid, the second of everything. i have 3 years dealing with this and i can not get over it. i am tired of being the second, tired of being out of the picture, tired of waiting until $ is enough to have my own child, TIRED!!! but nobody pay attention to me because i am the STEPFATHER which is crap, the second and the one who apparently receive all the failure from others but i am suppose to be okay with it.

            2. Well my ex married the other woman and she convinced him to love from Cali to Hawaii. Now he barely sees his kids. I feel it is all her doing. I feel she wants him and his money all for her and her kid. My kids feel very sad and angry at him as they see what’s going on. It kills me to know this is happening. My boyfriend sees his kids every weekend and u am amazed there are dads like him to want so much time with their kids. Too bad he has nothing to do with mine cus he says they he a dad already. Ugh.

        2. My story pretty much summed up. I thought my ex was a good day and felt sorry for him when he said he couldnt see as much of his daughter as he’d like ( i knew he could have made more effort if he wanted to) we had a child. He left us for someone else when my son was 12 weeks. Hes made no effort to see my son in 8months now.

        3. Well you are an obvious evident of being the former girlfriend of a jerk. That jerk sounds exactly like my ex. He said he loves his son, but never make the effort to see him. I always said the same thing to him, if you want to see our son, you know where to find him. I never stop you from coming to see him. He was never been consistent with his own presence. On and off. Making our son confuse. No one is stoping him from seeing his son. He was making tons of excuses trying to blame things on me. Well, typical old tactic that doesn’t work on me anymore. I am now more aware than ever before. I am go glad that we are no longer in any relationship anymore. He can marry and date whoever he wants. That’s not my business, I don’tgive a damn. I am just glad that I don’t have to deal with him anymore.

          1. My ex doesn’t see his boys or ring them, I don’t understand him how he could not want to see his children,
            It was my youngest birthday not long ago and no present no phone call. How do you explain that to a six year old when dad doesn’t ring him on his bday. I try to encourage him to see boys but never get a reply, some men are not big on responsibility, let me say there are some good guys out there, some good single dad’s who care for and support there kids and who want to be in there lives ,guys who don’t walk away.

            1. Same situation here and I find myself looking for excuses as comfort because seeing my daughters hurt, hurts me. This did not start until he entered in to a relationship with the woman he is with now. He entered in to a relationship out of convenience and someone to help pay his bills to compensate for the child support he was paying and since she was paying bills she felt it was her right to control the whole situation with the children. This sicko is in school and wants to work with children who have suffered from abuse and have mental illnesses. Yet, she obviously does not care too much about kids because look what she has done to mine. His fault because he has allowed it. She claimed she could not have children, but conveniently ended up pregnant within a few months of their relationship-if she has not figured it out by now, maybe she should, that he will do the same to her child.

        4. I totally agree. If you marry a man who keeps blaming his ex for not allowing him to see his kid and he doesn’t pay child support. Then a woman like that is very sad and desperate because he will loose interest the minute she gets pregnant!!

        5. So so so true! I’m in that situation and he made it out to be the ex that was unreasonable…..now I’m the new unreasonable ex and he is spinning the same stories and lies to his next victim. All while refusing to see his two year old daughter that he claimed to love.

      2. I really dont know what goes on inside mens head that dont want to be a parent. Pull your emotions together, shouldnt have kids if u cant afford to take care of them. Men need to take responsibility for there own actions they are not kids. My ex has new gf our bby is 7 months and he clearly has 2 kids before ours he never seen them because of the mothers, but im here open door he complains. His relationship with a girl who has 3 kids is more important he barley met her…ugh… She stated its none of her buisness its between us.

      3. Thank you for this article. I’ve struggled with huge amounts of anger & resentment after my partner left me in May. He is living 60 miles away with his new girlfriend, who has children but not actual custody of them. He initially promised to visit every weekend, but so far, has only been to visit us twice; he claims lack of money. I had convinced myself it was ‘her’ stopping him from coming down, and went through a rainbow of emotions, from ‘Damn you, you need to step up’ to ‘Sod you, we don’t need you anyway’. Your article gave me the first feelings of calm since all this began. No, I can’t control him. Threats, emotionally blackmailing and self-pity will not change anything, and only make me feel miserable, which in turn affects my parenting. From now on, I will try & keep an ‘open door’ policy. I know, deep down, he wants to be a good dad and I need to find a way of encouraging this, without having expectations of him. I’m doing it alone anyway – but having support from him would be the icing on the cake, and so enormously beneficial to our little guy. Thank you; food for thought X

    3. You’ve put into words the way I have been feeling. I just wish I could communicate how important it is to be there for me daughter. I am learning to let it go…

        1. Well, I just don’t understand my situation. I was with my ex bf for 3 months before he said he was ready to have another family. (He has two girls from a high school sweetheart) after I “thought” carefully to research whether or not he was a good dad/father, I was pleased with the results and during our 4th month into the relationship we tried having a baby. Success!! I conceived this July and my ex bf was elated with joy. He told all his family(cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers, mom and dad..and even his baby mama) he told his Co workers, his church and even close friends, both men and women. He wanted to move in together and I agreed, however I mentioned getting married and his response was “not until we completely know each other” I knew that was an excuse but like most women I allowed it…guess is why I got burned badly.
          Well, after 4 months of being pregnant it’s November and two days before Thanksgiving he and I both went for the ultrasound and was told I was having a girl. Now this is where things got complicated. Before finding out the gender, he had it in his mind, set and stone, that I am having a boy. He was convinced, he even convinced several others as well. Everyone, meaning his immediate family, kept saying to me “we hope your having a boy” but everytime I heard it, I never felt confident, I felt more like a warning. Arguments began in mid october..transitioned into November and during the ultrasound my ex bf fell silent the whole ride back to the house.

          Slowly he became distant, wanted to get two jobs (that would have him gone from the house all day), he began drinking with his brothers, going to bars with Co workers and worse when I became ultra emotional he started to tell me “I don’t care” I knew it was soon to end.

          Well December 12th, 2 weeks after arguments, let down, not coming home every night and no compassionate in regards to my pregnancy he calls to say, “I’m tired of pretending to be someone I am not, I am doing me now. I want nothing to do with you because the real person I am..I’m an ass hole and I will not be with you any longer.” When I asked him in regards to our baby girl, his response “I don’t want to be in her life, I’m sorry but this is my decision and I made up my mind”.
          Now I’m 6 months pregnant, no apartment (he was the one with the employment and decided not to pay rent any more) I got kicked out, and I’m living back with grandparents. So tell me, what went wrong and how can a man go for about..let’s see 9 months of “pretending”. Getting a gf, palnning a baby, getting a place together, and lastly having soo many people involved, and then next minute BAIL! And when asked what happened he ignores it and totally moved on.
          I’m 27 years old, first time being pregnant, going to school and only working on part time..how can I raise her in this economy on my own…
          Rely on God and Jesus when “man”(which includes women here too) decided freely to let you down.
          I put my trust in my ex bf and I became very dependent, especially since I wasn’t working due to possible miscarrying. I feel ashamed, embarrassed but mostly just sad. I will possibly be a single parent for my baby girl…how can a man be so cruel and have no remorse. .guess that’s why we all need Jesus.thanks for reading.
          Candace

          1. Hi Candace, I’m not sure how long ago you wrote this response, but here it goes. You have completely blown me away! Your situation hun isn’t the first and unfortunately won’t be the last. The key thing that you mentioned though is to put your trust in Jesus. Only he can change a heart. Continue to pray for your ex and God will do the rest. How did everything turn out with your baby and how are you doing? I can relate and when you let go and let God take over miracles start to happen that you never even thought of. I have two daughters 4 and 16 months old and no matter what I never have to worry about them because God ALWAYS has them covered girl honestly. I’m not saying that your life will be easy but I will and can say that with God all things are possible and where you are weak he is your strength. He will Never lesve nor forsake you either………Never! People will but he wont! Put God first and you will never be last. You’ve really encouraged me and I pray that you will be encouraged as well. Your disappointments and hurts will always turn out for good for those that love the Lord and it will encourage someone else like myself . As for your ex, pray for the areas where he is held in bondage and under strongholds because without God we are all nothing. Stay Encouraged

          2. Oh dear, I wish I could give you a hug and your baby girl a big hug. I feel you. His reaction was just like my ex, except that he has never been married before or have any children before. Told everyone he’s becoming father but things were not as I wish it was. My son is 3 years old now. I’m finally over him. Three years is long enough for him to show he care his son enough to be in his life but he never did and kept making excuses and blame everything on me. I’ve been a single mother all these three years. His very brief presence on my son make no impact on him. My son is the happiest cute little boy in the world. Hang in there girl! I can do it and so are you. Hope you will come to a stage where he won’t affect you anymore. Focus on your daughter. Put your trust on JESUS, not a man, not any man.

            1. Don’t give up. I realize it has been a long three years for you and your son. But people do change. Don’t ever totally close that door to him being in your son’s life, while also not holding out hope — does that make sense? Tough balance for sure.

            2. Hey everyone this is Candace and I want to share what had gone on this year since my last message.

              Moving forward, it was about Feb of 2016 and I was about 8months…and through the Grace of God I was comforted by the church and they began praying over me and surpinsgly my ex, which I was still madly in love with(men huh lol) for the past 2 months. I didn’t have family support because I was suppose to be a Christian, the friends I had were very biased and more angry than even I was, but I still didnt stop believing in Jesus and knowing that He will make a way for me and my child, since I thought the man (my child’s father) was stronger than God; I got the slap of a lifetime from God Himself when my ex left me, broke and homeless.. so here it is summer of 2016, my beautiful and healthy baby girl was born in April and surprisingly I got a call from my only male friend of 2 years returned back from the service and he offered to support me and aided me since my baby girl was 1 1/2 months.

              I wanted to tell my story to encourage young, old, super young and super old women of all ethnicities to put your Trust in the Lord because when the men we seem to trust more than our God fails us, God has already forgiven us and we must make the move to “stand” FOR God. I found out around the time my daughter would be born in April of 2016 than my child’s father met an older woman of wealth and began sleeping with her around Thanksgiving of 2015 which was why in December of 2015 he acted so badly towards me. I found out he never told her about me, and when the church, his family and friends and even some co-workers ( I guess people of his life really did care for me) tried to reach out, he “dismessed” them all to go and finally have that money he soooo worships. The older woman bought him a car, moved him into her home in just 2 weeks, 2 weeks!!!!!, she also spent loads of money on him and of course, bought him newer phones, clothes and accessories..he went on vacations and of course was a “father” to her boys than his own children (2 from his 1st baby mama, and 1 from me, his 2nd babymama) and lastly decided to marry her during the same month our daughter was born. All of this “good” came on to him, and though I was so lonely I was also staying strong for our Lord and tried my best to have a forgiving heart. Well, here it is almost the new year, and in less than a year my good friend proposed to me and told me, my family, my babydaddy’s family and God Himself that he will be the best man for me and the best father for my Lil girl. I ended up getting the dream I wanted, a family and marriage, because I stayed Faithful to the Lord…

              Oh and my ex, turns out his precious wife, was actually a lie and she never had the money but her sister has it, the house she has is now being evicted or foreclosures or whatever it’s called, lol, the car she bought him was used for a title loan to help keep mortgage payments and the lies he told her about me well the truth was revealed by the kindness I showed him regarding our baby girl. Now my ex wants me to get a divorce, A DIVORCE!!!, because he wants to return to me, the one he said got away..sorry hun, no thanks, eventually I found out she did me a favor..

          3. In your post, you said “So tell me, what went wrong”
            Seriously? Are you genuinely asking this question?
            Honey, as you’ve now figured out, YOU DON’T MAKE A BABY WITH SOMEONE YOU DON’T KNOW. His response says it all. He won’t get married because you guys didn’t know each other. What were you thinking trying to bring a child into the world with someone you didn’t know anything about. At 27 years old, you have got to have some common sense. While it is not your child’s responsibility to teach you responsibility, but you have saddled him or her with that job from day 1.
            I wish you the best ans really hope things work out for you, but please think before you act next time.

    4. I’m a father and I always read this stuff like its gonna change how I feel. Sadly what’s done is done. Being a dad I thought I’d chime in to shed my thoughts. I’m 34 and have a 6yr old little girl that I liv more then anything. My ex and I were together for 17 years and one day she just got up and left. Sad she fell out of love. We grew up since play school together and went to the same school all through the years.
      We had a great life, house, businesses, 2-3 vacations per year. There was no hitting or cheating, sure we argued but then again, after 17 years together and 26 years of friendship, who doesn’t. I begged her not to split my family up. I said we could go to counciling or take a break. She was done and that was it. I found out she found another man and that was the reason. I told her I didn’t have a child to be in a broken marriage and would not have it. I told her I didn’t have a child to be raised by another man, or for me to have scheduled times for when I could spend time with my kid.
      It’s been a year and a half and I’m finally tossing in the towel. I’ve deleted all social media and isolated myself as I can’t stand seeing picture of my family and her new boyfriend. So when you women think us dads are dead beats, yes absolutely we are cowards and are not manning up and doing what needs to be done. But never think that it’s easy and that every guy asked for it this way. I can’t speak for every father that you guys speak of I can only speak for myself. I would have gave 20years of my life not to have my family split up. My life literally has not been the same. So if you are a mother that walked out on your husband, and he didn’t want it, and you broke the family up, then maybe this can help you understand why some men are the way they are.

      1. I think the important thing here is the kid(s). My wife left the kids with me after the divorce. She also found another guy (in prison now) while we were married and it drove me crazy, but I dealt with it. It’s easy to hate her or all women for when she left me or the kids, or to shift blame on to her for how hard it is being a full time parent of two girls. But I know my kids miss her. I know I wanted to be in contact with both of my parents when they divorced. Life changes and forgiveness (which I’m still learning to do) is necessary to move on and to give the support needed to the children involved so they can be successful, happy, and healthy.

        1. “Life changes and forgiveness (which I’m still learning to do) is necessary to move on and to give the support needed to the children involved so they can be successful, happy, and healthy.”
          BRAVO!

      2. Amen brother… The only difference between your story and mine is ; my ex-wife was a closet homosexual that came out of the closet. Threw me out of my house while I was incapacitated in a wheelchair after a car accident and brought her lesbian lover in. All in front of my 5 year old little boy……… Divorced for two years. Physically I’m healed but psychologically still devestated …….

      3. I hear you on the social media thing. The ex husband cheated on me with a woman 14 years younger than him (I didn’t know until later). Now they are living together and I’ve seen a picture pop up on my newsfeed. It’s maddening to see them!

    5. One thing people might not realize is that sometimes, the new woman in your ex’s life is the one footing the bill for the outings, so that she can have alone time bonding with him. That is my situation with my boyfriend, with whom I live. He works very hard, both at work and at home, and yet my life is easier and I have more money, so i can afford to cash in for a ticket for him and all he has to do is accompany me. So, this particular sticking point is something that might upset single moms or dads who see the ex going off to have fun, but might not know that the ex is not paying for those outings.
      And I was clear from the get-go that I would not be paying to take his kids on vacation. I am not obligated to do that. We provide a good home (courtesy of me) and good, healthy food, and we spend quality time with them, but we are not obligated to vacation with them as well. They are not the center of the universe, and there is nothing we could do with both of them that they would enjoy.

    6. This is a very touchy subject with me! I do not see my kids on a regular basis!! This is a bullshit reason! My son Kyle is 20 and I talk to him a little now thank God that they grow up and figure out dad isn’t the evil POS he was portrayed to be! Kyle was 12 when I stopped seeing him! I went to his graduation univted because he was 18 and in control of his own life,LOVE HIM!!!! I have a precious daughter named Emma who is at the age of 14 and I seen her recently because I was in a relationship with a woman who had a daughter the same age she came up to me and hugged my neck at another little girls birthday party ,and I hugged her so hard I didn’t want to let go,I told her that I wanted her to know that I loved her very much!!:) Of course I cried! Now this is just an answer here your giving is someone who doesn’t want a relationship with that little girl! Basically he is a dumb ass who doesn’t realize when he gets older he will have no one!! That is punishment enough for this poor bastard!! There is a thing we call ALIENATION OF AFFECTION!! And I pity those who do this to LOVING caring FATHER’S!!!!!;

    7. Here is the deal. You divorced him and he moved on. Now it sucks he doesn’t visit but he has a now woman in his home who resents you and your kid. So, you divorced him and now the consequences are your kid gets to grow up without a daddy.

      1. Brian, you are right about new wives bring jealous. My exes new wife is revolting and insanely jealous of my daughter and I and has made sure he is self employed so he doesn’t pay child support. Second wives can be much more devious and possessive than the first mum/wife!

      2. No matter who initiates the divorce, being an ex-spouse does not mean the person is an ex-parent. In my case, I initiated it, because I did not care for the fact he was sleeping with my good friend. In some ways I will always love my former husband because he gave us three wonderful children. But I will never understand why he ignored their existence for decades when he was with wife #2 and wife #3. His current wife encourages them to have a relationship, but a lot of water has gone over the dam, so to speak. he would do things, such as, promising to come see them or take them someplace, then not showing up or even calling. I eventually quit telling them when Daddy was coming, so that their hopes weren’t dashed when he didn’t show up. Now, 30 years later, he is sorry and trying to foster relationships with our children, but they all tell me, it’s too late to bond now, sadly.

  2. Hi, stumbled upon your blog and it’s a great! I’ve had the same thoughts and realizations as what you have described. It has been very hard for me to be empathetic given that my toxic relationship with my ex was enabling him, making excuses for him, and dealing with him not taking personal responsibility for anything. I still don’t think he takes personal responsibility for most things in his life, including being a consistent, involved parent. But I do also see the side of my trying to control the situation, being critical, making it not so easy all the time for him. So I feel like I go back in forth with understanding his inconsistent behavior, to being so full with rage and it being unacceptable. I go back and forth and up and down like a circus ride and it gets exhausting.
    I recently realized what a good single dad looks like. He takes responsibility for his children 50% of the time during the week and weekends. Takes 50% of the expenses. 50% of the school holidays and vacations child care. 50% doctor visits. 50% after school activities. He is truly a 50% parent but a 100% co-parent. I’m talking about my boyfriend. He is a great example of what a father after divorce should be like. It’s possible, even with a difficult ex spouse! I think men are good fathers when they choose to be. And some will just never get it.

    1. Sounds like what I’m dealing with, with my ex. He kicked the kids and I out then that weekend the new girlfriend moved in. He put our son around her without my knowledge. It was bad. Since then things have gotten worse. He cut off contact to me which cuts off contact to his kids. He hasn’t paid any child support yet. He wrote one check and it bounced. He has skipped weekends or changed them so him and his girlfriend can do stuff and go on trips. I’m having a hard time explaining to my 5 year old why he isn’t going to daddy’s again on a weekend. His dad should have him and his sister every other weekend. I get really angry because how can he just dump his kids like they mean nothing to him? But then I think they need me more then I need to be mad at their dad. Do I have a right to be angry yes but I can’t let my anger control me.

  3. I’m not personally in this situation, so cannot comment with first hand experience, but this article hit a chord nonetheless.

    This completely makes sense and I can see that a lot of parents who do not have main custody of their child in situations like this may feel a lack of self worth and/or connection with their child if they don’t see them as often as the other parent.

    That said, we all have responsibilities and sometimes there are things in life more important than your own self-importance. I think that your conclusion sums it up perfectly!!

  4. It’s really hard to know what to say to the 4 year who says “Daddy hasn’t picked me up from school in a really long time. Not since I was a little girl. Why he not do that Mommy?” I can feel empathy for him but I don’t know how to answer her questions. My priority is making sure she knows it is not her fault. Right now, I blame his work, but often he is unemployed and there is simply no excuse that I can give her. Daddy has poor self esteem is not going to cut it.

    1. I’m all for being honest with kids — including your own feelings. I have said this to my kids:

      “I get really mad that your dad didn’t see you today. I don’t always understand why not, but it has nothing to do with you. You are a wonderful kid and I love you very much and daddy does, too. But sometimes it is hard for him to visit.”

      Never make up reasons why he can’t be there, and also don’t try to diminish your own feelings, because that creates shame in your child for having negative emotions.

      1. I know most of these are old but I couldn’t help reading and noticing how wrong I’ve been thinking not many endure what I have..a year ago my ex and I split for good after a 15yr relationship ,divorce etc very complicated !! We have 3 kids ages 6,10,15 for the last year I’ve watched as he has lied to not spend birthdays or even farther a day instead he stood my daughter up on her bday lied about his scheduling changing the day our son turned 15 only to later find out it was bull!! I caught him trying to have me agree to a schedule change after a year ago forcing it changed dragging me into court again this time I agreed again to it til he got himself caught up lying on his work schedule .i couldn’t believe how far he went and all I had to go thru to change my own schedule but yet when I confronted him I was called every name possible as always .i bend backwards for my kids why can’t he as well? We have 50 50 custody yes he pays support no I’ve never modified it as I should but now he not asks me he tells me the dates he will be gone next week and basically tells me I have the kids a extra week! He always does this since he knows I can’t afford to haul him to court and I’m barely making ends meet he takes full advantage of me while I just allow it loosing so much. I told him I usually wouldn’t mind but this time I can’t I have a busy week and I take care of elderly people he said oh your refusing and I asked you first so we will c so I said who ever you leave them with I need the name and number of sitter which he never gave I have a feeling he won’t allow the kids to return to him since it’s happened before he just won’t be home saying well I told you I was on vacation even though I said I can’t help this time ! I appreciate any feed back or advice from you guys sorry so long

  5. I love this post. I too have struggled with this. I work with divorcing/divorced families, for crying out loud. Every day, I deal with parents fighting desperately to split the baby where there is not enough baby to go around. Why didn’t my kids’ dad fight for this? Why did he seem to just hand over the parenting to me so easily? It was heartbreaking (even when I was secretly relieved to have more time with them myself). Like you, I’ve noticed him start to step up and step in in smaller ways as time has gone on. I work hard to stay encouraging in this regard. I have noticed that when I am not, he can easily retreat to his old ways. Because of this, I have recognized my own responsibility in keeping our relationship as positive as possible because he seems to need this in order to make an effort to be more involved. This is good for our children. So when I’m angry or frustrated, I remind myself it starts with me. Specifically, it starts with my relationship with him. Still. Even after divorce. But the benefits flow to our children, so it will continue to be a priority for me to work at having the best relationship I can have with him, for the rest of my life.

    1. I don’t know — you are not responsible solely for your co-parenting relationship, or for his lackadaisical approach to parenting. You do all you can — yes, more than your share — and then the rest is up to him.

      1. No. Not solely responsible for the co-parenting relationship. However, I am responsible – in all relationships – for recognizing which parts I can do better than the other person. Sometimes, that includes being the leader. Almost every relationship requires one, and in certain relationships that role may change from time to time. But if I ignore the fact that my kids tend to get a better, more involved dad when I do a better job leading the co-parenting relationship (at least at this moment in time) then that is on me. Not that I can control or should ever try to control his behavior – that is totally on him. My point is simply that personal responsibility is not simple.

  6. http://www.garviespointmuseum.com/schedule.php

    This hit a home run-almost. I think the reason is a case by case basis as to why the father is not involved. It could be for some that it is low self esteem. Is it still a valid excuse? I’m not sure about that. I was up all night minus about 45 minutes of sleeping when I fird laid down and spent 7 hours contemplating what my ex husbands problem is. An all too frequent toxic thing for me to continue doing. Why he hasn’t seen his son in 2 and a half years. We haven’t had communication in months although when we did for the brief moments of time–the 2 second emails he wrote to me, there was never a mention of our son. He has never EVER asked how our son is doing. He seemed to want to see me some months ago and I think the conversation on his behalf was a complete lie but we were set to meet and he then called and gave me some bullshit story and I called him out on being a completely useless shithead and insensitive to the fact I was traveling around with my son at 10pm telling me to meet him here and then there (I now look back and realize he was clearly never anywhere around). His last comment was along th lines of: “oh you have our son with you? the deals off, I had no intention of seeing him. I only wanted to see you.” So I recently discovered he has another child (newborn) with the woman he stumbled upon online shortly after he left me. He got pregnant a few months after he left and is now on to number 2 with this woman. So. Tell me. What the hell is going on. He can have a relationship with this woman and have 2 children whom he’s spent their whole life- which is about 18 months (plus gestation) at this point. But he can’t see our son. He can’t have a relationship with him at all. He made a comment about how he didn’t want to “get attached” and I understand how this could be so because for one he’s his son and 2 he’s a really outstanding kid. It’s easy for anyone to attach to him. He thinks it’s about him and me. It has NOTHING to do with me. I want no part of it aside from possibly driving. I would like my son to have a relationship with his father. I think his fear, yes fear, is that I will take child support from his job. I haven’t had him on child support and I refuse to do so. It would make my life far more complicated than it’s worth. I just want my son to know his father. And if he’s capable of having a relationship with his 2 new kids than what the hell gives.

    1. Look, you do what you can, then you have to let go. You cannot control him. And you cannot fully control your son’s environment and childhood. That is hard, but the sooner you accept that, the happier you will be — and not spending so much toxic energy trying to change someone who you cannot. Plus, you’ll be better rested.

    2. Because most women would prefer the father is gone/dead but that his money continues to flow. Most women see a father merely as a life support system for a wallet.

      1. Yeah, I call bullshit on that one, Tom. Nice try at vilifying women who are raising children on their own and victimizing the men who are abandoning them.

        1. Rachel, that’s a delusional, clueless comment and I have the data to support my position:

          Canada: 4.4 marriages per 1000. 2.1 divorces per 1000. This equals 48% of all marriages end in divorce.
          US: 6.8 marriages per 1000. 3.6 divorces per 1000. This equals 53% of all marriages end in divorce.

          When broken down by number of marriages:
          •41 percent of first marriages end in divorce. •60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. •73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.
          Forty-six point nine percent of non-custodial mothers totally default on child support support, while only 26.9 percent of non-custodial fathers totally default on child support.
          http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/marriage_divorce_tables.htm
          http://www.mckinleyirvin.com/Family-Law-Blog/2012/October/32-Shocking-Divorce-Statistics.aspx
          The actual divorce rate for those marrying over the age of 25 is well over 40%.
          Women receive spousal support at a rate which is nearly 18x greater that then the % of men who receive it.
          Seventy-nine point six percent of custodial mothers receive a support award, while only 29.6 percent of custodial fathers receive a support award.
          Seventy-five percent of children with divorced parents live with their mother and the typical custody “order” (not an agreement but an order) is 85/15 where the child spend 85% of the time, by court order, with the mother.
          http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/rand02.htm

            1. humm, I came to share your article and ran across tom here.
              What Tom does not point out is that women, who have stayed at home and was a housewife, thus gave occupational support to the husband, (ie moved where ever employment needed him to be) upon divorce received less in percentages of spousal support) than a husband that did the same for the wife. Most often, a husband that was a stay at home househusband and moved and relied only on the wife’s income usually received 100% of spousal support. Child support is usually 10% of the other parents income, and while the custodial parent have the children responsibility 93% of the time.
              As I did not come prepared as the trolling tom, a simple Google can produce the accurate stats.

          1. I agree with that Tom. I am a woman on the other end with a husband who has a child with another woman who bailed the state, and then asked for child support. Because his ex lives across the country, and we also have a family to provide for, we don’t even get to see the kids which is her preference anyway.

            1. LOL so because the kid is across the country the dad shouldn’t have to support him? Or because the dad isn’t willing to travel to see the kid he shouldn’t have to pay support? I understand that it sucks horribly for one parent to move far away, but that does not mean the other parent shouldn’t pay child support. It has nothing to do with being money grubbing, both parents should be responsible for the care of the child.

        2. Exactly Rachel…. All the dead beats get a pass and understanding. However, the parents who are active in the parents life, has to pull it together and get over the fact that they’re raising the chil(ren) by themselves.

      2. So,since you know all Tom,please explain the fathers that are not being legally required to pay child support. The fathers that have moved on with their own lives,girlfriends,their kids,plenty of money to spend on all that,while their own blood does without,but still has no interest in their own child. The fathers of children whose mothers beg them to just call the kid,or email or Skype with them,just so the kid will know who their father is.

        1. A woman can obtain an enforceable support order with little effort and the guarantee that it will be issued and enforced, wages garnished, etc. It’s the shrill, histrionic, irrational musings here that me so very glad that: I required my ex-wife sign a prenuptial agreement protecting my IP, properties, income, assets/investments, bank accounts and brokerage accounts and that I decided not to have children (though she wanted to). I’m also glad I hit the eject button after 4 years. Marriage is vastly overrated, utterly pointless and financially risky for me(n). Marriage never makes a relationship better. The best you can hope for when getting married is a lateral move but, typically, the relationship deteriorates and degrades due to marriage. I prefer not to have to go to family law court to break up with my girlfriends. My brothers all have sons and I will take them for 1-2 days of introduction to family law court before they marry to have them see how bad it is and why it’s pointless and to insure they get a prenuptial agreement if they decide to forge ahead.

            1. Unlike your other commenters I cite actual empirical data and verifiable statistics to justify my comments and I don’t pull them from my rear. The data doesn’t lie.

            2. Emma, I have read the many responses to your article and as a woman I will be regarded here as a traitor, but I will put in my 2 cents. My husband and I married 27 years ago, second marriages for both of us. I was the one who wanted my divorce from my first husband after 17 years of marriage, so I paid for the lawyer, left my ex everything in the marital home. Every knife, fork and spoon. I took my clothes and my car, that’s it. I wanted out and I was working so I made it as easy as I could for my ex. We had one child who was 17 at the time. He treated our son like gold when I left him, it was a ploy to get me back. When I filed for divorce, he dropped our son like a not potato and never had anything to do with him again. My son told me I was being selfish and should go back to dad. I felt heartsick for my son. Now………. here is where the other ladies will want to tar and feather me. My current husband was screwed royally in divorce court. And screwed is an understatement. He had to pay alimony for life, pay a large sum of up front money, child support for one child, all the while his ex took him back to court so many times the file had to be hauled into court in a wagon. And each time she took him to court for stupid things, we had to pay her attorney fees and ours. She even took us to court because we got an answering machine. She said we were avoiding her calls. Ya Think. She called morning, noon and night. She would show up on our doorstep all hours of the night and day. I was not involved with my husband and didn’t start dating him till a year after his divorce, so I was not the other woman. This woman got away with murder. He had one child at home who was a minor and every time we had her for the weekend all she did was cry. She used to tell us that “her mommy told her to tell her every thing we said and did”. We went to court to stop this, but it never did. So in the best interest of his daughter he stopped seeing her. He said he would not let his daughter be used or to suffer. So please, ladies, maybe just maybe your ex doesn’t want to visit your child because of the grief you give him or the anger you won’t let go. This woman carried this anger and revenge for 27 years. In that time, my husband lost his daughter, she didn’t die, rather her mother saw to it that they would never have a relationship, ever. Ex’es should understand when they seek revenge and use a child, the child is the one who suffers the most. I am in awe of ex’es who can be courteous to each and treat each other with respect in front of their children. I believe in child support 150%, but I do not believe in alimony for life. In the 27 years my husbands ex received a large alimony payment each month she did nothing to better herself, go to school, open a business or travel. Her main purpose was to as she put it in divorce court “to ruin him personally, professionally and financially”. Now……….does this sound like a situation that a man would want to stay in touch with his child for? Not all husbands are at fault, but the courts most often side with the woman.

            3. Yep, sounds like your husband got screwed financially, and he screwed his child emotionally. His poor feelings towards his ex wife– for whatever reason — are zero reason to abandon his child. Sounds like you drank is sad Koolaid.

          1. I agree with Tom in that marriage is pointless. Stay away from having children. It only complicates matters…leaves one discouraged after divorce. I made the big mistake 12 years ago with three kids to boot. What a waste. Tom…make sure you educate about having kids as well. Going through a divorce with little ones leaves a lot of emptiness inside. Way too risky and not good for children. Protecting assets. No more assets. Kids r the asset now. :)

          2. Actually, you are incorrect about child support being something simple to obtain with little effort. It can take months and months, some fathers are able to dodge it for years by moving around/not working etc.

      3. You’re absolutely RIGHT!! I WOULD love for him to be dead and gone!
        He walked out the VERY same day we BOTH discovered that I was expecting… To find himself a fresh piece!
        Heaven forbid this new life get in his way of freely plugging in the donor rod where ever and whenever he wanted without interruption!
        “Right or wrong, no one must know about this pregnancy.” That is what he’d said to me.
        So YES, I forced him to pay support as I didn’t get pregnant all by myself…he didn’t want to initially! He didn’t even want anything to do with his child UNTIL he was MADE to pay support!

        But guess what…I’ve got him by the short hairs now…and the ONLY thing he ever has to say is “Yes/No…I understand, and Thank you.”
        WHEN I decide to give him any info concerning his child!

        He’s NOT a Dad…he’s BARELY a father…he makes non parents look like saint…HE’S NOTHING MORE THAN A DONOR!

      4. Really? Who are these men? My son’s dad has’nt supported my son, nor his two daughters from another woman. He is 40 years old. Lives with his daddy and gets paid tax free money cash under the table from his little side ” jobs” a jackass of all trades. Never will he even think of seeking to work for a paycheck because he hates the idea of his money being garnished to help support anyone but him. Sorry, Deadbeats pull the plug on your life support theory.

      5. Really? Who are these men? My son’s dad has’nt supported my son, nor his two daughters from another woman. He is 40 years old. Lives with his daddy and gets paid tax free money cash under the table from his little side ” jobs” a jackass of all trades. Never will he even think of seeking to work for a paycheck because he hates the idea of his money being garnished to help support anyone but him. Sorry, Deadbeats pull the plug on your life support theory.

      6. that is because men have made it that way…since money is the only thing they give then that is exactly their fault….if men want to be vaulued for something more than they need to show up on time…have a plan….be affirming and positive….when they show signs of having more than just money..women will want more than that

      7. No Tom that is not correct, men use this as an excuse not to bother with their kids when a new woman comes along and demands all their attention and gets very jealous of the ex and especially the children from the ex, usually said woman comes along and says choose me over you child, the man does so and then a few years later realises what an idiot he has been marrying the idiot woman and his children no longer want to know him, duh wonder why. I am fed up with men blaming the ex for them disappearing out of a childs life, it is b/s.

        As Don Corleone said ‘A man is no man at all who does not look after his family’.

        1. What about the women that use the court to force the man out? In my first custody hearing with my ex I had domestic violence against her, she had threatened/faked needing an abortion, threatened suicide, harassed me, used my son as a weapon and a way to get what she wants. With all of this what do I get? 6 hours Saturday and Sunday every other week and a $610 a month child support bill, oh she lives at home with her parents and doesnt want to have a job. If she cant have me I cant have my son…says how ruined her life is being a single mother so I say if your life is so bad with a child sign over full custody to me and go about your life as if you never had kids, but that would eliminate her power over me so she wouldnt do that. I would do anything to have my son 100% of the time. The whole system is a joke and women play it to their advantage, men arent given a chance.

      8. Right. She was resource hunting all along. Had nothing to do with love or a family. When your role is done you get dumped out like yesterday’s trash no holds barred.

    3. He is doing this to punish you for beating him in court. Had it been equal he would feel like an equal. You won so to the victor go the spoils. He feels dejected by the lack of justice for fathers in divorce court and this is the only way to fight back as he can not beat you in court. Give him a victory over you so he can feel like an equal. He thinks less of himself for losing in court and less in the eyes of his children his shame keeps him from them. My advice to those just entering into divorce is an equal split in custody and visitation, this is a victory for both sides. And the loser does not have to walk away as I did. Remember to him this is war where the only good outcome can be a tie.

    1. See my links above. Women never believe they’re in the wrong and are loathe to take responsibility when they are. They constantly project upon others and extracting an apology from them when they make a mistake is akin to removing a wisdom tooth without painkiller, it never happens.

      1. Preach brother. Studies indicate updwards of 60%+ of divorced women REFUSE to take ANY responsibilty for said divorce. Men wake up. Go MGTOW.

  7. I will never understand how a father can distance himself from his own flesh and blood, but I guess this is why women have the nurturing instinct: To be sure that her child will be taken care of, regardless of the father abandoning his child. My kids are older: 19, 16 and about to turn 13, and my divorce began about 5 years ago. My two older girls seldom see or talk to him, while my son is still required to go on visits every other weekend. My ex is from a foreign country that doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but recently he demanded to have our son for the celebration. We’re supposed to split school breaks but he kept him until Friday after Thanksgiving. He even put my son on the phone to try to get me to allow more time “to go to the park” Friday morning. At this point, I’ve learned to deal with my narcissistic ex. It’s not about seeing our kids happy, but all about “winning.” And for a guy who earns six figures, goes on vacations and buys new cars every few months, yet owes $25k in arrears, he has a lot of gumption bringing another child into this world. Yes, he’s 40 and just had his 4th child. The last time one of my daughters spoke to him, she asked what he wants for Christmas, he said, “A new wife!” and laughed it off.

    Moral of the story: happiness isn’t collecting stuff. It’s about collecting memories with those you love. And I’d add that if you see your ex fails as a father, feel sorry for him. He probably doesn’t even realize what he’s missing.

  8. “He probably doesn’t even realize what he’s missing.” Yes, that is huge and sad.

    I totally get all the rage. I’ve been there, and am probably not 100% past it. But the goal is not to make him ‘get it’ or change or pay. The goal is to accept what is, and to go and make a great life with your kids.

  9. I don’t buy that he has “low self worth,” or even if he did, that is no excuse not to visit. He is the captain of his own ship, and he makes his own shitty decisions and he will be held accountable for them in one way or another.
    I don’t always feel great but being an adult, I put on my big girl pants and get the job done.
    He doesn’t visit because he’s a grown man with free will, and he’s consciously making this choice out of selfishness. No excuses.
    I will be sure to tell my child that bad choices are not hereditary!

    1. I agree completely. I don’t doubt that they have their own emotional issues. But that is their problem,not the child’s. I sure as hell don’t get to ignore our daughter and wallow in my own selfishness. You fathered the child,now grow the hell up and BE a father.

      1. I agree, but if it were that easy more men would do that. Look at the number of comments and FB ‘likes’ for this post — this is clearly a huge issue faced by many women, and some men.

  10. I have my 2 daughters 100% of the time but I have cried all day because I found out that their dad will be moving
    2 hours away in a few weeks. Why? Because I know that it is important for
    them to have some type of
    relationship with him and it’s just going
    to be more difficult if he is farther
    away. I think your article describes exactly why he hasn’t been there in the past but I have hope that he has finally dealt with some of his demons and will be able to make some of it up to them in the future. I have no doubt that he has always loved them but he was dealing with too many other things to be able to show it. It’s not an
    excuse, but a reason. Thanks for writing something that showed me someone else feels the same way. (and believe me, I have had more than my share of anger about this but I think I am mostly past that – I don’t think you can ever completely be if your kids have ever been hurt)

    1. Thanks Laura – I totally relate to your mourning the closeness of your kids’ dad. It is complicated and our feelings about it are complicated. Your new life and routine will be worse in some ways, and better in others. I have a new appreciation for flexibility. Hang in there.

  11. I’m sorry but no. Broken or not you make time for your child. I often feel “broken” and without self worth but I also don’t have the luxury (or want) to never see my kids or go months or weeks without doing so. I have anxiety & depression. I’m sorry but this is making excuses for another person and I refuse to do that. There comes a point in an ADULT’S life where they have to take responsibility for their own actions (or lack there-of). The entire time I was married to my ex I made excuses for his behavior and I’m sorry but no I don’t think that is any kind of healthy for yourself or your children. :/ just my opinion obviously.

    That said I also do not sit there stewing over it. I think it is what it is. If my kids are upset about their dad not seeing them I tell them to ask their dad what’s up with that the next time they talk to him. I also NEVER refuse my ex to see the kids when he wants to. I will even cancel plans I had with the kids so he can see them if/when he asks. I figure it doesn’t happen a ton and I won’t deprive him or our 3 kids from seeing him at any opportunity that does arise. I think that is wrong (unless their is danger in the kids seeing their father). Regardless of your relationship with him you put that aside for the greater good of your child. It is the same reason that as much as My husband and I would love to move out of state we won’t because it WOULD make it impossible for the kids to ever see their dad.

    1. I agree with never standing in the way of the ex’s relationship with the kids, but there is something to be said about tough love, forcing the parent to stick to his word, a schedule and respect for your time. It’s like parenting an unruly teenager, but they need boundaries and guidelines, and you deserve respect.

  12. Some dads just don’t care, simple as that. It can be hard to realize as a mother who love their children that there a “fathers” that just don’t give a crap. There are fathers that a capable of not loving and not caring and it that case I think it’s totally wrong to lie to your kids that “father loves you even though he hasn’t seen you in two years.” Your kids will grow up and start thinking for themselves and maybe even be bitter at you for lying.

    I also don’t see a point of over-understanding the absent father. That’s a choice they make.

    My son’s biological father has not seen him in over 4 years and my son is 5. They do not have any kind of relationship. I never lie to my son that his dad loves him, because it isn’t so. I tell him that his father does not know how to be one.

    1. That is all fair — who are we to say who loves whom? But I want to underscore that someone who simply does not give a crap about their own kid is a broken, wounded person. No need to dwell on why or how. But rather accept that there is something seriously wrong there.

      1. I find this advice very helpful but it’s so hard to not obsessed over the why or how this person can be so broken and not step up to the plate.

      2. I think this blog is interesting. I just want to know why would a father acts this way? Broken… If he is; how can we help this person that keep making lots of mistakes? I feel he loves his children but he doesn’t care to visit them…how can you help a broken person who does not communicate either?

        1. I’m actually a father in a similar situation. My kids live with me 100% of the time but my ex wife doesn’t make much of an effort to spend time with them. There were some things that happened in the past that caused us to go to supervised visits for her but since then she asks for them to call but doesn’t answer most of the time, then schedules visits and either no shows or cancels last minute. The kids have gotten where they don’t want to talk when she calls now. I struggle with how much I should push them to have a relationship with them. I encourage them to talk to her and reasurre them that she loves them but I’m not sure if that helps at all and almost feels pointless. I have a boy and a girl with her and she has 2 other boys from another relationship. At one point my daughter accused one of her sons of trying to force her to perform oral sex on him. She said someone came in before it happened. We went to the police and had a bunch of hearings about it and there’s a no contact order between them but her mom doesn’t believe my daughter and unfortunately my daughter knows this. Just a terrible situation all around. The hardest part is watching my kids hurt because of her.

          1. Joe, that is really a heart-breaking situation. Your kids are fortunate to have a steady parent in their lives. Seems like it is best to stop pushing your kids to have a relationship with their mom since she is so troubled. Maybe later she will be a better place where she can be an involved parent in some way, but now clearly that is not the case.

      3. Right probably is broken, but the caring parent whether male or female does not have the luxury to feel sorry for themselves…sick of excusing bad behaviour… look at the state of our planet…who’s in charge…the majority of the decision makers are men!

  13. The truth lies somewhere between Tom Leykis (if it’s in fact really him) and most of those posting here.

    If you’re one of the women saying the ex seldom sees the kids but always seems to find time for other things, I believe you. I’ve seen way too many cases like yours. Unfortunately, there are a fair number of guys who don’t give the male persuasion a good name and I’m sorry you, and especially your kids have to go through that.

    With that said…I have been and am acquainted with a number of cases where the ex-wife/girlfriend is a big problem. I have a relative who shares custody with his lazy ex-wife. She often fails to pick up the kids at the designated time and has a history of missing kid appointments that can’t be missed. A number of guys are actively shut out of the kids’ lives by the ex or the ex makes it difficult for them to see the kids. Of course, these women are usually trashing the ex in front of the kids, which in turn affects how the kids are toward their dad when they do see him.

    1. I completely agree with this… not all mothers are decent and put their children first… so many mothers involve their children in issues between parent’s (adults) that they don’t understand and tend to believe their mother (and why wouldn’t they) but the mothers interpretation of a situation is not always correct… so as a result lots of kids grow up thinking the dad is a bad guy instead of the truth… the mother couldn’t control her emotions so let the child to believe his/her dad was the bad guy so that she could feel justified in her actions….

  14. I’m eagerly attracted to what is real. Seeing “real” in the title grabbed my attention…enjoyed reading the article…surfed through the comments and wanted to take a moment to show up with my opinion. I have 2 wildly loving children (almost 16 and 13) and my ex husband has seen them 3 (maybe 4) times in the last 20 months. The children and I were living in Vermont a few years back and once I bowed out, the ex moved (back) to Scottsdale. I had trepidation about him being dedicated to seeing the children so the kids and I moved to Scottsdale to be near their dad. Over the 4 years we lived in the same town, I felt my ex was missing out on time with our kids. I always felt like the lucky one and though I was livid at his lack of heart, I was also compassionate for his foolishness. I would think about how sucky it must be to miss out on the evolution of your children. Being a mom has been my most favorite thing and I wouldn’t trade a moment of it. After 4 years, my ex moved to southern California (simply because he and his 2nd wife wanted to) and I had many sad thoughts about it. I was failing to stop the thoughts about what an ass father he was choosing to be and struggled to accept his evolution (so he called it). I was aware of my thoughts and pushed hard to find ones that suited my end game…happiness. I’ve always believed that a parent’s happiness is the key to emotionally healthy children. Since my divorce, I have found Life Coaching to be a huge asset and would recommend coaching to anyone who wants to play the game of life to their best ability. For anyone out there struggling with the reality that their ex is MIA as a parent, take comfort in this article and how it suggests that the missing parent is “broken”…for it’s true…and worth feeling empathy for…even if this person is heartless…more reason to be wholehearted!

  15. Your blog post really resonated with me because my son’s father recently told me that he didn’t think he was a very nice person. I wonder whether the reason he is very reluctant to see our son could be because he is feeling so bad and guilty about himself. HIs reaction when we found out I was pregnant was to try to bully me into getting an abortion. When he didn’t succeed, he left me alone to cope with the pregnancy and birth and wouldn’t even get involved when our baby had health problems and needed major surgery. I had to get myself a lawyer and fight very hard to get a reasonable financial contribution. To this day he shows almost no interest in our son. I have found it particularly hard to understand because he has two teenage children whom he worships and is very involved with: he doesn’t let any feelings of low self worth get in the way there! The other confusing thing is that despite all this, I worked very hard at trying to keep amicable relations with my son’s father. I didn’t want hostility and bitterness to be obstacles that stopped him seeing our son. But this has had the unwanted effect that he keeps turning up to see me when the baby is asleep!

    1. That all sounds very difficult. Sounds like you have done everything you can. Hang in there and maybe he will eventually change his tune, but that is out of your control now.

      1. Well indeed. But it helps (a bit) to consider that it isn’t because he’s ashamed of our son, it’s because he’s ashamed of himself.

  16. I am SO GLAD TO see the male population commenting here! Women, we will NEVER grow if we don’t shed our anger and try to see the system through their eyes, hearts & wallets! (I don’t understand why our society is so okay, and at times, even proud of anger. I think that is the biggest obstacle.)
    I have a 16 year old with a man who doesn’t exercise visitation, nor pay his court ordered support. I learned I would have to file enforcement paperwork and I have chosen not to. Why? Because $100 a month is the amount ordered and it is NOT worth it. The few times he’s seen her were awful. He told her the last time – at age 12,that the reason he was seeing her was because I was giving her up for adoption and he was her last shot for a home. He made fun of her sweet little beauty mark & tells her to scrub it off… It’s a freckle. These are only the things she recalls anymore. If I were to seek out that cs $, look at what I would invite into her life! No! I am th lucky one. I changed the diapers, kisses the boo-boos, played Barbies, parent teacher conferences, church, family (even his folks saw her through me), and best of all… I am the one that kisses her goodnight and makes certain she hears “I love you.” I am the lucky one. I don’t miss out on this short season of life in which I get to be mommy. My own mother called recently to tell me that child rearing (single or alone – she did both) was the best years of her life & she wished she’d known it at the time. I am now married to a wonderful man who has stepped up to love both of us as his own. (The absence of biodad has allowed bonus dad to really bond uninterfered over the past 13 yrs.) Here’s the kicker, hubs has a son just a year younger than my daughter. I have witnessed the occurrences from several sides. I am a daughter (both bio and step.) I am a mother (both bio and step.) I will tell ya, I Have witnessed how it makes a man like an ATM when biomom has a multitude of demands, complaints, etc. and when it isn’t balanced with gratitude (for the times he does things right) – biomom quickly becomes impossible to please. Hopefully she hasn’t discussed her anger with the kids because that’s always fun and obvious. The man who mentioned PAS is speaking of parental alienation syndrome. As a child of divorce, I can tell you one thing. Everytime you speak ANYTHING that could be perceived as negative beliefs/comments about my father/mother, you are insulting one half of who I am. One half of the blood in my veins. When my stepmother screamed “I hate your mom!” And my dad sat there and watched, I felt hated and humiliated. I quit chasing after Dad. (Although now, stepmom is leaving slowly… Divorce (again) and my Dad is now battling cancer. He’s my Dad. So I stepped up to care for him. Why? Because the cycle of BS WILL END WITH ME! I do not speak ill of my ex. When I do, I feel the anger increasing. I don’t want my daughter to sense that and mistake it for anger at her. It does us both MUCH better to sit back and be grateful that I get to have the memories with her. Period. End of story. I will gladly write checks for college tuition, new shoes, etc. I get to be the one to guide her through these experiences. At the same time, I see tears well in my husbands eyes over the state of his relationship with his son. He has paid his child support, but to actually see his son, he must go before the court & pay $2500 for the judge to cite a “motion for enforcement” when his ex says “yeah, yeah, I’ll let you see him” only to be denied at the door after a 2 hour drive to “try” – we did this until we ran out of money. And then he later ran out of will. And so I am married to the man who doesn’t exercise visitation. And I get it. All I’m saying is ladies, just make sure your hands are clean. Please. (I happen to know for a fact there are a lot of heartbroken, emotionally-wrecked Daddies out there because some of us have chosen to use our blessing as a tool to curse the very men who helped us become the mothers we are. I will keep my hands clean. It isn’t easy, but the lack of frustration, anger, etc. living inside of me makes this life a very good one. And that guy that can’t even manage $100 a month for our beautiful young lady – he isn’t gonna cast a single shadow on my season of motherhood or my daughter’s season of childhood!

  17. Some men are just raised through out their childhood, without a thought about being a father, but as a provider, protector and shamed (by kids or parents, uncles or just what they watched and witness on TV stereotypes) if they cried or nurtured/showed softness. Many good men think that their role is just to provide and be the strong rock for their children, and so many men step aside till the children are adults and they can relate, yet they provide financially, and protect their child when ever they get the call. These are not the bitter men that point blame or shame elsewhere, they are the true men, that just don’t know how to open up, and perhaps, feel if its important the the ones they are providing for, they will let them know. These good dads just need to be allowed, by positivity feedback what they can offer other than the negative junk.
    Once I told my father I needed him to call me every Sunday, so I could hear his voice, That I needed him to do that for me, he did after his divorce, I was 5 and starting school, we talked every Sunday for 40 years. He was a Great NC Father

  18. Love your columns, Emma, but this one struck a chord with me–as well as many of the comments. I know a man who is “broken” over not seeing his children, though not for lack of trying. Have you heard of Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS)? Check out the symptoms in this link http://family-law.lawyers.com/visitation-rights/parental-alienation-syndrome.html. I am sure that many single parents won’t see themselves in this list. But if even ONE applies to you, remember that while you are indeed succeeding in hurting the other parent, you are damaging your child(ren) far more. He has been to court many times regarding visitation; and while there is a LEGAL order enabling him to do so, a child psychologist advised against forcing teenagers to adhere to a schedule. This man is heartbroken, not just for himself, but the negative, long-term effect this will have on his kids.

    1. PAS is real. It’s hurtful in ways difficult to put into words. I am a dad who spent well over 100k trying to get joint custody or subsequently more visitation (2 more nights a month). I pay $2,800 a month in CS, am not late on it, am saddled with her legal bills, she makes over 160K a year, and I can barely afford a 1 bedroom apartment.

      I get told she does mot need to invite me to parent teacher conferences, she makes veiled threats to me in front of the kids, has released personal information about me to third-parties.

      I took my sons at every opportunity, made sure they are well-cared for and presentable at school, mind their manners, and do all the things a dad should do. I get crapped on by her and the courts and told by both to butt out.

      You can spout on and on about low-esteem, but when someone is actively alienated by one parent and discouraged by the courts from doing anything other than being a checkbook some people need to get on with their lives to try to find happiness in other ways or places. It’s sad for the children and the father who wants to be engages and is thwarted at every turn.

    2. Yep. I read the PAS article you referrenced in your post. My ex matches three of those behaviour criteria. She routinely defers to my daughter the decision of which parent she wants to stay with (knowing full well that the majority of the time the default choice is with her). She refuses to accept responsibility for her own actions in her financial difficulties and blames me for all her problems. Lastly she frequently schedules ‘events’ with my daughters on days that I have her without asking or even notifying me before hand. And when I object to this she then says that it wasn’t her decision, but my daughter’s. Classic…

  19. I can’t speak for myself because I don’t have kids but I have several friends who are divorced with kids.

    In all cases where custody is 50/50 or close to it, my friends have good relationships with the kids. However, in the cases where they’re saddled with huge support payments coupled with limited visitation, they have extremely poor relationships. The main problem in those cases wasn’t the child, but the mother. You’re put in a position to cut her a large check every month and you don’t get to see your kids enough to build a true parental bond with them. That’s a bitter pill to swallow. Every visit is an exercise in soul-sucking resentment and subjecting oneself to that routinely is awful.

    Meanwhile, the child doesn’t understand it. All the child knows is “daddy isn’t here”. A child doesn’t understand that if dad showed up more he could lose visitation altogether, or worse. A child doesn’t understand “the ruling of the court”.

    It should be no mystery why a person whose children, choices and money are taken away from him would want to simply put it out of his mind and focus on building a new life for himself. I have one friend who sends his alimony and child support via automatic payment. He never even has to see the bill, and that’s the way he wants it, because seeing it every month just crushed him.

  20. Hey Emma, what Suzan said, Parent Alienation Syndrome/P.A.S is the real deal. Those who do it are like terrorist and It is a downright nightmare to deal with and requires a lot of energy to counteract. My ex-wife is this way, and I have to be very proactive with everything regarding my young girls, 4&6, to avoid flare-ups with their mom. People with P.A.S thrive on taking the mistakes of a person and use it as a tool for manipulating others. Some go as far as manufacturing phantom mistakes. For instance: Although I made it to all but one gymnastics events, when I missed one and the girls ask their mom why I wasn’t there, the explanation given from their mom is “Well, if your daddy loved you, he wouldn’t have missed” or “Your daddy isn’t here because he doesn’t care.” A phantom mistake is telling the girls that daddy is coming to get them on a day I am NOT scheduled to get them and have the girls waiting for hours, then say “I guess daddy doesn’t want to see you.” Dealing with these types takes tremendous planning. We have a 50-50 schedule, and I follow it masterfully. I have never missed one day, and they always live with me when they are supposed to. I keep up with extracurricular activities ahead of time, and I only miss if it’s an emergency or planned miss. Communication is key with the kids. I let them know ahead of time if I can’t make it to the fall festival, practice, outing etc to avoid any misunderstandings. I have to be very aggressive when dealing with misunderstandings, and it is not for the faint of heart. If the victim parent is passive, gives up or rolls over in defeat, they will get eaten alive by the P.A.S parent. Anything that is false or untrue has to be squashed from the very beginning or things will get ugly quick and spiral out of control. I handle it with the girls by telling them the truth. I never degrade their mom, and I only focus on the truth. Then I call or email my ex to document the situation and let her know it will not be tolerated and it is unacceptable. I often hear from others that I shouldn’t let my ex control my life or allow it to dictate my schedule, but I don’t view it that way. I look at it from the standpoint of taking responsibility for being a dad, and also shielding/minimizing the damage that my girls could get from a full onslaught of parental alienation. Left unchecked and I would be dealing with two teenage girls in the future that really believe their daddy hates them. It really sucks that I have zero room for error, and every mistake will be harped on, but that’s the cards that I am dealt and I have to deal with it.

  21. Although I understand the point you’re trying to make, I see this as yet again another excuse for a man to not be apart of his childrens lives.

    My biggest issue with this is…..there are women and mothers everywhere who behave in the exact manner in which you describe above by men and fathers, but there isn’t a person on this planet that wouldn’t judge and chastise that woman. She would be made to feel inhumane for walking away or keeping her distance from her children.

    I don’t have stellar self worth, but yet here I am parenting ALONE and doing a damn good job at it. How would society treat me if the tables turned and my daughter’s father was parenting alone while I went off and searched for my self worth?! People would spit on the very ground I walk on. Making sure I knew what a disgusting excuse of a woman I was. Not her father though, awwwww…..poor baby doesn’t have any self worth, no worries, just go do your thing and come back when you’re good and ready?

    This is the mentality that keeps men out there behaving like children, why wouldn’t they when we all treat them as such. Maybe if everyone started spitting on the ground they walked on, held them accountable for their actions, they may think twice before acting like a child, because they’ll have the consequences of an adult.

          1. How are they your children if some woman took them away from you, appropriates your resources to care for them and then commands you to personally provide child care services for them? What if she did ask this against your will?

            What if she then publishes a blog telling the whole planet what a bad person you are and how her life is so hard?

            1. “How are they your children…?”

              As soon as you released yourself inside her and she popped them out, they are your children. Be more careful about who you mate w ,& suck it up until the kid turns 18.

  22. Probably because he lost his kids, his wife, his home, and now he has to make support payments for everything that he lost- because it was all taken away from him. Now, hes expected to provide free child care for the children who were taken away from him. Why should he

  23. And when the dad leaves poof just like that and abandons his child, and instead, has more children with someone new. My ex spent months convincing me to have a child then disappears. Talk about livid. My child is beautiful and perfect in every way and truly deserved better. My life has grown difficult beyond measure, and we both suffer over that low life’s choice.

    1. I’m sorry to hear of you challenges, Cynthia. But I hear a lot in your comments that you have willingly given away your power — HE convinced YOU to have a baby. YOU are struggling because of HIM. You are an educated person. You can find a way with your child. But first you must retire your anger for him,and funnel that energy into building a positive life for you and your young, beautiful family.

  24. While I can sympathize with Tom to some extent, it should be noted that the data themselves don’t lie, our interpretation of what they mean can vary. Women may be getting more support because women in general earn less than men, especially if they took maternity leave or were stay-at-home parents for a long time. You also have to consider the custody arrangement. Mothers usually take more responsibility for child care. After watching my own mother and two girlfriends go through divorce after being stay-at-home mothers for years, I have to point out that being out of the work force for 5 or 10 years often has a devastating effect on the stay-at-home parent’s future earning ability. People who are unemployed for long periods of time have much more trouble getting a job at all, and they’ve lost out on years of possible promotions and experience and retirement savings during the years when they are young and energetic enough to achieve them. Many face the terrifying prospect of living in poverty, not only for themselves but for their children, too, no matter how hard they are willing to work. Most, but not all, fathers don’t take responsibility for even close to 50% of child care following divorce, even if they did while married, which is unlikely. That means that even if the parent in this situation lands a job, it’s a serious challenge to keep it when she is frequently missing work when the kids are sick or have dentist, doctor, or other appointments. One of my divorced friends missed two weeks of work when her 3 kids got sick one after the other and her ex refused to take the kids even though he only works several days a month, and then she had to take unpaid leave and put her job at risk when she or they got sick again later. Fathers and the courts don’t seem to count the cost of all of the child care that a non-custodial parent gets from the custodial parent when they calculate child support and alimony, either. Try calculating the cost of paying for basic child care for three kids for all of the hours your ex takes care of the them, including medical appointments, parent-teacher conferences, etc., if you don’t go to them. Even if you consider that she should take responsibility for half of the child care, the cost would be substantial, and you would pay even more for nurse care for sick children. Imagine going to work the next day after staying up all night cleaning up vomit, too. I personally know of several cases where fathers told the mothers they didn’t want custody and wouldn’t fight for it, but only if the mothers agreed to forego child support. They all gave in because it made them sick to think that someone like that could get even partial custody of their child. I think treating a child like nothing more than a financial liability is worse than treating a man like an ATM. To many “fathers,” a wife is just someone they can use like an unpaid servant and child care worker so they can advance their own careers. They act like the work of being a parent is nothing and without value, and yet they can’t seem to do it themselves. Many women who take most of the responsibility for child care need child support and alimony just to get by. They’re not living the lifestyles of the rich and famous, and it’s only fair that they share in the proceeds of the career their ex was only able to achieve because their spouse took on nearly all of the work of running the home and caring for the kids. And please remember that leaving your ex in poverty affects your children even after they are grown. They might end up eventually paying the bills that she can’t. I hope you’re not really going to tell younger family members not to have kids. Imagine for one minute how it would make your kids feel if they heard you said that. Please don’t let your bitterness add to their pain. Finally, I want to dropkick any fathers who say they don’t call their kids because they have nothing to say. Maybe your kids have something to say; it’s not all about you.

  25. Hi! I stumbled onto this page after going on Google and typing “fathers who don’t see their kids because the mother is too difficult”. This of course is the excuse my ex doesn’t see our children. I’m 29 and a first time mom, I had twins 3 months ago. Anyone could tell you kids were at the bottom of a long list of things I wanted to do. I am quite honest about my deplorable selfish behavior at times and I thought I could never get over myself enough to give a child the attention I know they need. Thankfully when my boy and girl were born every second since then has been willingly devoted to them.

    My ex has 3 other kids with an ex wife and he makes a big effort to see them and pick them up every week. While I was pregnant my ex promised that even if we didn’t stay together he would be there for them no matter what, this unfortunately was an empty promise. We broke up in my 8th month when he cheated on me with his ex wife, I sucked it up swallowed all my feelings about it and gave birth to the twins 3 weeks early. When he did show up at the hospital it was a day later and he stayed all of 2 minutes before telling me he was going to go out drinking with his friends to celebrate the birth of our children. Needless to say these type of situations have progressed and he has spent no more then 2 hours collectively with them since they were born. We didn’t speak for the last month, until I had some news about my health. I have had 2 surgeries during which I had to imagine what would happen to my little ones if anything happened to me. This was the driving force to reconnect with him and see where we fell on a list of priorities. He has since made 2 attempts to spend time with the babies but each time he was a no show.

    The last time I spoke to him a few days ago he was supposed to call and come by to see them but he called after 10pm and proceeded to say he didn’t call or show up because I’m too difficult to be around. I’m still upset about things that apparently he has never sat and considered and when he does call I do go into a tirade usually about him flaking off his visit or the fact that he hasn’t helped with diapers or formula…ever! We got into a very hurtful exchange at the end of which he propositioned me for sex. He couldn’t come by and see the babies that day but he can call later that night and try to come over when they are asleep. After I hung up on him he has not called back since.

    I’m so upset it’s hard to stop obsessing, Am I being too difficult I mean yeah nobody would want to call someone who is always pissed off and in fight mode, but he has never once held himself accountable as a father to my kids. he picks up his other 3 every weekend and he can’t spare an hour for my baby twins? Then I start thinking it must be my fault there’s something wrong with me I’ve done something to cause this and now my kids will never have an active dad. Then I think. no I told him in the beginning this was terrifying to me and my father was never around I didn’t want that for my kids. It really messed me up that my dad had another family he was with and never was there for me. it’s a terrible thing to take on the responsibility that I may have ruined things for my children because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and stop nagging. Or will they respect me for demanding better for them and not allowing someone who doesn’t care about them forced on them? I don’t know and I’m so mad and hurt don’t want it to be about me it’s got to be about them but where do I draw the line? I’m so angry and confused I just want to give my kids the best shot at a happy life.

    1. Wow…. I say this with emotion and tearful eyes because I I’m going through the same thing with the father of my two boys and went through the same with my own father. I constantly question my actions, my thoughts, my words.
      I’ve given my boys father many many chances to be there and now that I’m truly done, I’m the bad person, selfish one. From time to time I question if I should change and yet give him another chance, perhaps I’m the one that with my nagging is pushing him away. But NO, I must understand and keep in mind that I have done what I think is best for my children. As for my dad, trust me I went theouythe same thing. I always prayed that my children did not go through what I went through. At one point I recall all asking my children’s father to not do to my sons what my dad did to me; forget about me, focus on his other family….. sadly it is all happening again. I’ve learned that I can’t keep focusing on what his not doing, I now focus on what I can do to better myself as a mother and a mother only. Good luck , blessing do you and your little ones

  26. Parents,

    I am 39 years old, Father of two Beautiful Girls. I Physically abused the Mother, was in Jail a few times, I had problems with Alcohol, Drugs, Violence, Self-Esteem. I believed she never loved me, thought she was always up to something, lying to me, wasn’t faithful. I was so closed off and abusive that I literally destroyed every fabric of my family unit with her. We’ve been separated now for almost 6 years, my Daughters are 4 and 5 and we split time with them. She has them at least 75% of the time these days and for the most part since we separated. As a result of my actions and lack of, she has Primary Residence, Guardianship, Sole-Custody.
    I am not going to give this big Heroic speech, but I decided to “man-up” and stop acting like a child, solve my problems, get clean, and get it together and CHANGE. Never did it again.
    I for years after the last Jail term seemed a bit too kissy with everyone, like I was too nice, it really did create more problems and distrust, but that’s how rock bottom it was for me. I had no fight left inside me. Still don’t. Always has to be a positive solution. Don’t give up.
    I have to completely agree with BOB and TOM. But I will state before I proceed that both Men and Women are capable of being the exact same way, depending on the “person” or “personality”. The statistics DO NOT lie. The statistics do seem to favor the Women in both Canada and the US and probably elsewhere. This is true. Very frustrating to one Sex.
    Men are naturally viewed as the more dominant and aggressive “sex” through history and especially when it comes to violence or abuse, trust me “I know”, and now neglect. At least that’s the statistical evidence or seemingly blunt view that is generally perceived by the public. Which as other men have stated in this BLOG that they feel defeated by, or used by the system with minimal gains and so “What’s the point?”. It’s really easy to become defeated by the person telling you to give everything, but offers nothing. I also know what that feels like.
    The problem is the Family Court System. Lawyers need to make money and Judges need to be Justified. Right? So this whole perpetual motion of a malfunctioning wheel of pain seems to be what is causing families so much terror. The Kids in most cases are helpless to this. So what is the solution to a situation seeking success? Cut out the courts. Agree to disagree. Resolve things if and where possible by being HUMANE about things and putting your own sexist comments, disputes, negative thoughts aside and re-focus on the original reason the Children were created, out of Love and Concern for one another.
    I am in pain tonight because as I wrote this, clear and clean of drugs, sober of mind, happy of heart excited to see my babies and she only packed two nights worth of clothing after telling me that she still doesn’t trust me after all these years and yet finds another excuse to shave time, or limit my time with them. There is literally nothing I can do now, but take her to court.
    Because I am a Father that can’t afford hefty child support, barely is able to make his parent portion at Daycare, and has had a rocky history, but Absolutely lives for and loves his two Daughters. All I can do now is fight for them.
    SO….
    If a parent doesn’t want to be in their children’s lives, then they don’t deserve too.
    Does life end at child support? Nope. Should one pay more than the other? Never.
    Are the family courts broken? Absolutely, Absolute Power Corrupts.
    Is there more fighting then resolve in the world today? Ya know it! FOCUS.
    Do Men deserve the same statistics as Women? Wait you mean Equal Rights? Maybe women will help us this time around, maybe things will change.
    Finally.. is the child (or children) happy? Go make sure!

    Scott.

    1. wow ur fight is commendable and ur vulnerability admirable keep fighting the good fight and be glad you were given the opportunity to see the error of your ways for have you not your children would have suffered and you never would have grown as a man or father…..little bit by little it will get better and you can rest well with urself knowing you gave it all u got and to their little hearts thats means a whole lot

  27. I use to have so much hate towards my ex husband after he left us high and dry for a new love when I was 8 months pregnant. The hate got stronger when a few months later they had welcomed a new child. they had bought a house, a new car and it seemed like we had never happened. there were times at the store that my card would decline because I thought he would have sent childsupport only to inform me after I had called that he did not get paid yet. At that time I was taking care of both kids and working hard to survive only to be taken back to court because he figured sole custody would be better for him! It was so unfair of him to even think that was an option and anger just got bigger and bigger. I am not saying I was always right but when it came to my kids I have always been there and he could have done the same! Noone told him to have an affair, no one told him it’s ok to have more kids if you can’t support the once you have and no one told him it’s ok to just not call your kids in 3 weeks or cancel yet another spring break with them.These are all decisions he has made and has to live with. I had to learn and accept that this is who he is and that something as precious as our children will never change him!
    Divorce is horriable but you are not divorcing your children! How can you as a person just walk away from something so special, so real and so innocent?

  28. moneystepper what a great quote , thankyou I just sent that to my ex :

    ‘sometimes there are things in life more important than your own self-importance.’

  29. I have not seen my kids in two and a half years, not by choice either.My ex wife basically got everything in the divorce and all I got was memories of our kids.the most painful thing is this person I once loved is using our kids as a weapon I don’t even bother reaching out because she is in control of everything.my daughter and I use to be so close before the divorce I wouldn’t even recognize her of I were to see her, the courts couldn’t give two shits if you see your children or not.their bottom line is money and to make sure you continue to pay.Best interest for the kids my ass! I’ll never get to see her grow up I didn’t even see her lose her first tooth, her mom probably got her brainwashed beyond what words can describe.my dad never had a relationship with his father because of his mother.So many dads out there want to be good fathers, their efforts and intentions are never good enough but holy shit that green stuff that gets deposited in my bank account every two weeks from my Job sure is.when will women stop alienating their children from their fathers especially dads who love their kids. When you get a divorce when you have kids not only do you lose a soul mate but chances are you will lose your children too.I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.evidently money and material things mean more to people men &women (not all) but just about everyone, than the love for a child. Not to get biblical here but the Devil certainly has a foothold over the family unit, enough so to drive a wedge between them and distance children from their parents. I go to bed and wake up thinking about the same thing, my kids.this is what living a nightmare is.one that you don’t wake up from and realize it was all just a bad dream.

    1. Really? Who are these men? My son’s dad has’nt supported my son, nor his two daughters from another woman. He is 40 years old. Lives with his daddy and gets paid tax free money cash under the table from his little side ” jobs” a jackass of all trades. Never will he even think of seeking to work for a paycheck because he hates the idea of his money being garnished to help support anyone but him. Sorry, Deadbeats pull the plug on your life support theory.

      1. Thank you for posting this! I am in a similar situation.

        I’ll spare the details, but my 5-year-old’s father somehow finds a way to stay current on his 8-month-old mortgage, support his non-working wife and their new child while not being able to find work as a house painter for eight months. He got a job just before the child support hearing he requested in June to make it look like he is making an effort in front of the Magistrate. He, then quit his new “legitimate” job the following day. Unfortunately for our little family, this is his pattern.

        I could write a detailed saga of laughable child support laws and their impotence when it comes to enforcement but it would be pointless. Additionally, I barely have the time and energy to continue the struggle to pay for child care so that I might work and support my daughter while raising her pretty much entirely alone. (I would LOVE to see some of that parenting time the father spent so much money and effort to attain actually happen so that I could get a break from single parentdom). It really isn’t worth the cyberspace though.

        I will say that I was surprised at the lack of “deadbeat” comments/stories here. I expected many more. If only it were for a lack of deadbeats….

        Thank you for posting this, it’s good to know there are others out there with similar struggles.

        1. Hey June – trust me, there are plenty of women who share these frustrations. Here, however, I urge women to focus their energies on letting go of what they can’t control, i.e. ex husbands, lousy family court laws, and narrow their energies to what you CAN control: building your career and income, being an awesome mom, nurturing friendships and romantic life.

          Hang in there. It does get better!

  30. I actually get to see this from a couple of different sides. I have been divorced for 2 years and I have a 10 yr old boy and 7 yr old girl. My son was adopted by my ex when he was 3 and doesn’t personally know his bio dad. He does know that my ex adopted him. Unfortunately he is an addict. He can be a good dad when he is clean but not very good when he is not. My son isn’t very close to him but my daughter thinks he hung the moon. I try really hard not to burst her bubble. I figure if anyone is going to do that it will be him not me. He is court ordered to pay $200 a month in child support and I have never gotten it. He hasn’t worked for years so I figure it is just a lost cause. I still continue to let my kids see him because I think the feeling of abandonment is worse than anything. Now that I am engaged it is harder to co parent with him. My fiance has a horrible relationship with his ex. She is conniving and horrible. She has made many false police reports about domestic violence and we are actually in the process of one of those claims now. He is an AMAZING father and man and it is very hard to watch him get so discouraged. He also has one son by another woman who refuses to let him see him because she is afraid her son will leave her. I just feel so bad for everyone who has to go through this. Not all moms are perfect and not all dads are perfect. The only advice I have is DON’T let your feelings for your ex cloud how you parent. Only think about your children and how you can make their lives amazing (with or without) the other parent. So many times we let how we feel guide us and it hurts our children so bad!

    1. I think my divorce is tough until I hear stories like this – it is really too bad that everyone has to get so crazy and can’t just get along — even on a cursory basis — for the sake of the kids. Good luck

  31. I was looking up, why dad don’t talk to the kids…and this what I found.

    I was married 19 years. I would say the marriage wasnt perfect and had issues. He got sick (cancer) had it removed (doctor hit the small bowel) then he lost his whole small bowel…Took care of him for 3years and got him back on his feet and he went back to work.

    When this all started our children was in 4th and 5th grade.
    Our kids didn’t do well… when had to change to smaller class size school 6th through 8th. I couldnt handle him working overseas for fear of him going in rejections. He wouldn’t call, nor write. After return he then started drinking ( or was drinking overseas… and I already knew bowel would stop functioning and go into rejection….I just told him hey don’t your think we’ve been through enough… he went back over seas found him a young woman… then left us in 2009 got him an apartment and then in 2010 moved overseas left again/ returned 2012… then he filed for divorce in… kicked us out of our home (of 19 years) in the middle of wint. ( because he won in divorce, but then wouldn’t give me my half) ( our children couldn’t do high school) we were homeless for like 2 years.. we bounced around from home to home. It was a night mire… and our kids was in an out of mental health hospitals…

    I still am angry…

    The biginning of 2015 took back to court, for my half in the divorce and he said he would pay me GOT A CONSENT ORDER (we had to go back to my hometown and live with my mother, which was out of state) he has not paid me yet. In all that time from Oct. 2012 til Jan 2015 he ignored the courts…and is still in Contempt of Court…

    I finally got an apartment (low income) in my hometown Oct.2104….

    I know I am a strong woman for I was a stay home mom. Some how I have managed to get a job…( help my children to get their highschool diploma) and struggle to keep a roof over our head, I don’t have much, but God has bless me with a bed ( we were sleeping on air mattresses) we are up off the floor… and a kitchen table, ( that I pay on each month) some things, have been given to us…like, loveseat, TV in the living room…and very little clothing because is just couldn’t hang on to what was in my storage unit…

    My story is pretty incredible… but I still have anger for I feel in my heart that my ex husband doesn’t want to communicate with his kids because he doesn’t want me knowing his life style…. He is on his third wife…

    My road has been long and I still am traveling it…trying to help my kids get on their feet… while I have so many worries of how am I going to do all of this….by myself…with a car seeing it’s last days…

    I wish I could write a book for those who want to be donor…for those….stay home mother’s…

    I am still angry… but struggle to be happy… what you said, maybe true, but I refuse to believe it in my case….I think he is all about himself…selfish…

    1. You are an incredibly strong woman…. and thank God for people like you…it isn’t fair and most solo parents ahve to do twice the work with half the money….it is a job! Course we love our kids…but let’s get real….the drop kick other parent, usually the father should help at least firstly financially, considering the burden placed on the carer parent….and of course make every effort to at least contact their child, phone call, letter whatever that does not cost anything.
      Sick of shitty parents, again majority fathers who cannot be arsed to contact…I really believe most mothers foremost want this, and can skip the financial and physical support if only the other parent demonstrated their love for their child. Right on; selfish and irresponsible…in the end their loss but unfair and I dare say damaging for the innocent victims…the child/ren.

  32. My husband and I were married 20 years. He was mostly verbally abusive and sometimes physically. We have two boys 12 and 17. We finally separated after he came home drunk and hit me. My son called 911 and he is being charged. He is able to see kids supervised but its been 9 months since and he has only seen them twice. He doesnt call either. My youngest is heartbroken and misses him. I just dont understand how after all these years he would walk away from our boys as well. He had not worked for the past year and we lost our home to the bank. Je is still mot working, possibly drinking heavily and living in another town with his mom. I just cant wrap my head around this. My youngest is now seeing a counsellor. My 17 year old says he’s ok not seeing dad.

  33. I am having a particularly crappy day, and was searching for some topics that may give me some comfort or the ability to find energy to get through the day. Oddly, I cam e across this topic and felt I should comment from the single father perspective.

    Before anyone tries to discredit my opinion, let me give you some of background. Single father of 3 amazing kids. Their mother and I went our separate ways approximately 15 years ago, Although it was not my choice to split …. here we are 15 years later, apart and having somewhat successfully moved on.

    I have been in their life every step of the way. It has not been easy. I can’t remember how many times I had to wipe the tears from my eyes when I drove into their mothers driveway to drop them off. It was equally hard not having them full time to tuck them in every night. Being there every day when they got home from school. I often wondered how a father could make a concious choice to ‘not be there’ for their children. I think the answer given by the author of this post has a lot of merit.

    We all have choices. I made mine and chose to be an integral part of my childrens lives. I will never look back with regrets however I feel scarred inside and like I have let them down. It is a tremendously hard thing to split from a person you care for, It takes a lot of maturity to differentiate between the grieving process of feelings you have for your ‘ex’ while trying to emotionally be the strong father (or parent) you need to be for your kids. Add to that the likelihood of interference from meddling in-laws, bitter friends … family and anyone else interfering or adding to the animosity levels of a separation/divorce.

    Take it from a guy who has been there and survived the process. It ain’t easy … and in fact can take you to the edge of insanity at times. I don’t condone the behavious of fathers who walk away or neglect their duties, but sometimes I do understand why they are absent. Sometimes, it has nothing to do with the kids at all. I just wish their was a magical answer to it all that protected the kids in the journey.

    1. This feels like my situation except that my wife left me. It’s nice to hear the process is survivable but it would be so much nicer to have a reference to work from. Any places you found good advice and support?

  34. Good advice even for those happily married, but with parents/in-laws who are distant emotionally but not geographically and don’t show up for their grandchildren.

    db

  35. This is an important topic for both sides to discuss and learn from, I think. It is important to know that it is easy to think the one side has it worse than the other when it comes to dead beat parents. Its easy to let bias slip when your all alone (at least as a parent) raising your kids seemly by yourself. However this isn’t a gender thing, It is often many reasons for those who say I love my kids to pieces but never follow that statement up with action. Instead its absence they give back after saying those words. My ex-wife’s child hood environment was hell, abusive father, mother and father constantly splitting up, sexually attacked by a family member, attacked by her boyfriends. I don’t have time to go into the full history, but the bottom line today is that I think she feels unworthy as a mother, she feels the kids are better off with me, she is mixed up with a bad abusive new husband who just beat her up bad last weekend and refuses to press charges, part of her feels she is still doing well as a parent even though she is absent because she never abused her kids, like she was a s child. She is broken, been broken for a while. 14 years she had in safe home. I’m not saying we didn’t argue or it was a perfect fairy tail marriage, but she never worried about violence, a bruise or abuse. Now she agrees the kids need to stay with me and she “moved out” to her mothers to escape the abuse. To find out she is pushing him to get medication to magically fix him so she can live with him again. The months preceding this domestic violence are littered with tears of disappointment. Missed holidays, birthdays and skipping out on her time with her 2 boys…I have to work, I’m going out of town, no call no shows, I have a party, I cant tonight, we (her new boyfriend and her) are arguing so they shouldn’t come up…just to name a few. But now she wants to mover further away almost an hour with a guy she know I wont let our kids around now that he has shown his violent ways. I fear she will completely disappear from our boys life. I want her part of their life, but I also want my boys to have the safe childhood they deserve. So its hard to watch her disappear, but deep down I’m just preparing for when my boys need explanations at the time when they can handle it. I never bad talk their mother, and I wont allow them to either. They know when they are an adult I will explain to them what happened the best I can but for now its ok to be feel the way you feel, and know your mother does love you. It feels like I may have rambled, but I don’t have time to proofread….Good luck to you all, stay strong and just show up, be there!

  36. I am a father of an 18 month old boy. I always cared for my son and took care of him. I was never married to the mother. Since she found a new man she has done everything to get me out of the picture. She moved over 80 miles away i havent seen my son in over 2 months. we have a court date in October.

    Women justify the father not seeing his child because he did not marry the mother and she wants to get revenge. Women are also not innocent. Not all but alot of women must tell the truth as to why the father is not in the childs life.

    If the mother of my son continues continues like this then i will have no choice but to move on and forget about him. Because in all honesty if i pitch up on her doorstep the police will remove me. If she does not want me to see him she will always find an excuse to cancel my visitations with silly excuses like ” oh he is sick and vomiting”.

    Such women now start telling the world “oh he is an ars**hole”, “oh he doesnt bother with his kid”. But the truth is they move hundreds of miles away. Call police when you want to see the child. Cancel court cases because she is suddenly ill on that day. Then when the father moves on due to the simple fact that he aint getting any younger and starts a new family, now he is a loser and a jerk. But to run to the courts for money oh yes that is what they are good for. These woman must get nothing, not a single penny and i dont blame men to play this game because such women are best dealt in the financial department.

    I am not saying all mothers are like this and that all fathers are saints, no thats not what i am saying. But truth be told some women are just plain old demons and then blame the fathers.

    1. Chris, I was all with you re: women being revengeful, malicious and manipulative, which they absolutely can be. But I lump you in with jerks with “i will have no choice but to move on and forget about him.” Forget him? FORGET HIM? One day he will be old enough — like at age 7 or 8 — to understand what kind of person his mom is, and what kind of man his father is. And if he doesn’t see his father fighting to be part of his life, well … there you go.

      1. Men arent getting any younger as well. We sometimes have no choice but to keep it moving. How much energy does a man have to continue fighting a never ending battle that simply cannot be won if the childs mother refuses to cooperate? Firstly it costs a small fortune to conduct a single court case. Secondly it takes great amounts of emotional energy to continue fighting, which can break a mans spirit. When a man is depressed and broken he then starts drinking and maybe doing a few drugs or two. Which man willingly agrees to be an alcoholic?

        So at a certain point if mothers refuse to cooperate a man then has a choice to make: either he sacrifices his mental, financial and physical health to continue fighting or he chooses the path of self preservation and happiness. Just because one woman wants to totaly and utterly destroy a man does mean that another woman will not bring him happiness and give him many children which he will see grow up under his guidance and care. So you see a man always has options and there are many lonely women out there who would not refuse the oportunity to settle down with a stable man of means. But if the man is an alcoholic and maybe hooked on drugs then his options dwindle down to very few or even zero options because no sane woman will take him.

        To finish up let me tell you a little secret. If a woman does want to cooperate then there is absolutely nothing that a man can do about it. The courts can do nothing if she says the child is sick or if she brainwashes the child to refuse to see the father. Secondly if the father even tries anything the police will be on him in less than a second and if he beats the police up then 5 police vans with back-up will arrive. Even if the man defeats the reenforcements then armoured special military units will arrive to finish him off.

        1. So your child is not worth the fight….you can try to sugar coat it and explain it but it’s really THAT simple: to you, your child is not worth the fight.

      2. Yes. Forget him. I’m not going to run my life into the ground to prove a point. I’m in the same boat as Chris. My efforts to be part of my son’s life are constantly thwarted. The courts just don’t care, and it costs me between $4-$5,000 a pop to have them remind me. My ex makes life as difficult and disruptive as she can and then taunts me with “I guess you don’t want to see him” in order to try to bait me to drive all the way to Pennsylvania to find an empty house. If it matters, I never return the emotional abuse that she hurls my way at any time we’re in contact (which is only when we deal with our son). Aside from it being beneath me, I loved this woman once and the memory of our relationship deserves better. It’s all been like this for years and there is NOTHING that can be done about it.

        So, yeah, she’s won. It was a rigged game with the way the court system is, but she’s still won nonetheless. I’m not going to just keep torturing myself out of principle. There are new people in my life that want me there, who I can make happy, and who are there for me. Would I like to see my son? Absolutely. I’d also like to be 25 again, wealthy, and be able to run a marathon. You have to accept what you can get in life, and gracefully let go of the things you cannot have. Maybe one day when he has some greater autonomy there might be something more I can do. But right now, i have two choices. Try to see my son out of principle and get humiliated and hurt, or spend the time with new people who have come around me and shown me nothing but love and support. I choose the latter.

        1. Scott- your comment illustrates why so many men abandon their kids. I appreciate your ex is being abusive and unreasonable. But your son deserves a father who fights through that abuse for the sake of his love for his son – and yes, principle.

          1. So, I should continue to run my life into the ground out of principle? How do I go about that fight? The judge has spoken, spoken, and spoken again. I have lost. He wasn’t abandoned–and I resent the implication otherwise. He was awarded by the courts. Not because there is anything wrong with me. Rather, because I can and do hold a job, while she doesn’t and won’t.

            I’m sorry, but your comments come off as incredibly smug. It’s not a surprise, but it’s far from the first time I hear it and as much as I don’t wish to fan the flames of the war of the sexes, basically invariably from women. As if I have a duty to run my life into the ground just to show that I’ve done so for him. If there were some reasonable chance of success, that would be one thing. But that’s not the case, or at least it isn’t as things stand.

            What does it profit my son for me to subject myself and my other loved ones (yes, my son is extremely important, but other people matter too and I’m NOT ashamed to say that my own happiness still matters!) to the constant cycle of grief, stress and abuse, when it results in absolutely nothing? I owe my son a great many things. But burning my life down and being unable to build anything new just for show isn’t amongst it.

  37. I told my ex either we have a 50%-50% joint physical and legal custody arranged or I walk. OR I AM DONE I MEAN IT. I even agreed to pay the full child support just let me see my kids! Instead I got the typical EOW (every other weekend) screwjob. Seeing your children 4 days a month isn’t being a parent. I feel over whelming bitterness and resentment over this cruel and unfair arrangement. I drop the kids off at my ex’s house and I i’m not allowed to see them for 12 days in a row. I am moving back to Brazil where i’m originally from. My kids are 5 and 9 and I am through with them. Ex will have some explaining to do.

    I sacrifice my whole life and happiness paying $1,200 a month child support for my kids and I am only allowed to see them 4 days a month. They call the her new husband “Daddy”. I guess he is the Dad biology doesn’t make a parent. Being a parent is tucking the kids into bed, reading stories, being there with them. Parent is a verb not a noun. Since I am no longer allowed to do those Dad things fulltime or 50% of the time and only everyother weekend I am no longer my childrens father. It hurts but it’s the truth. I am more like an uncle that my kids visit than I am a father. My wife’s new husband is their primary father figure now since he lives with them full time.

    I see my co workers more than I see my kids since I have to work 60 hours a week to pay all that child support. I am only raising the children financially I am just a visitor. Seeing my kids 4 days a month and sacrificing my life paying for her and her new husbands lifestyle is making me severely mentally ill. I have to see a psychiatrist and get pills. This lifestyle is torture i’m moving back to Brazil and starting a new happy life.

    You ladies would have to go to a shrink and get pills if you were only allowed to see your kids 4 days a month and had to pay your ex husband and his new wife $1,200 in child support. Then you could listen to your kids talk about their new “mommy” and yes the ex will talk shit about you to the kids. They must demonize you to justify the unfair custody arrangement or else they will look selfish. They will never say yes your father got screwed he has to pay me $$$$ and is now just a visitor. They must make themselves the rescuers and you the ex is incompetent.

    I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I am talked about as a moron incompetent Disneyland every other weekend Dad. (Dismissively saying I am not raising the children, that i’m not doing any significant work, i’m just an incompetent fun parent) I can’t teach the kids much only have them 2 days on 12 days off-repeat cycle over and over. I can’t discipline the kids. I am mocked and ridiculed by my ex. I am the flakey fun parent. I am incompetent, useless, pitied, dysfunctional, a joke, It’s very embarrassing. I am not respected as a parent. I feel like such a loser. I am a loser. I got so screwed. Non custodial every other weekend parents are losers. Living this lifestyle makes me feel like a big LOOOOOOSSSSSSEEEEERRRR.

    I feel dominated, humiliated, and controlled calling my ex asking for more time with my kids so I don’t even bother she never lets me anyway. I feel like a cuckhold paying my ex and her new husband $1,200 a month in child support and having my kids be raised by another man and call him Dad. I feel so defeated. I can honestly say that I am truly never happy.

    If I say fuck this and leave then I am cold hearted and mean. I’m a “deadbeat”. Either i’m a miserable $$$$$$ paying incompetent part time visitor loser or a mean deadbeat. I’m not happy I must leave. This lifestyle is untenable. From what I have observed from watching other non custodial parents is that the vast majority have poor outcomes. I will move back to Brazil and start a new family. I would rather be a deadbeat and happily married to a new woman that loves me and raising children that respect and love me than a miserable $$$$$$$$ ATM to an ex and new husband that hate me,mock,ridicule and bully me and to kids that i’m not allowed to parent that are being raised to think i’m a loser. I would rather be “bad” and leave and have a future happy marriage and be a real dad to future children who love and respect me than be “good” and be alone paying $$$$$ and miserable and being tortured by not being allowed to see my kids who think i’m pathetic.

    Non custodial parenting is a mentally ill dysfunctional lifestyle that will only lead to financial ruin and cause mental illness which in time will lead to physical illness. Also the non custodial parent is only human and might self medicate with drugs and alcohol. They will be dealing with feelings of over whelming anger, resentment and bitterness which may lead the non custodial parent to often verbally and psychologically abuse their children (the ex’s weapons) or god forbid get physically abusive and sometimes if you read the news tragic things occur. They might hurt their ex, the kids or themselves (divorced fathers suicide rates are astronomical.)

    In general people act how they are treated. If the person is treated like an incompetent, deadbeat, criminal, loser by their ex and the family court system eventually they realize they have nothing to lose by acting how they are treated. Ex and family court system think I am only worthy enough to see my kids four days a month. Well i’ll just take my screwed loser incompetent ass and fuck off and not see them at all then. You’re a deadbeat they will say. Meh… to me it’s just the gnashing of teeth of people who can no longer dominate, humiliate and control. Never will they be pleased with me i’m damned if i do and damned if I don’t. Naturally like most non custodial parents I will eventually choose the “I don’t” option it’s much much easier.

    1. Excellent. Dont give your ex a single cent, thats madness. At this point in your life you should only be focusing on you and only you. Why give the ex money which she will use to pay for an expensive dinner with her boy friend and then get fcuked on the bed paid for with your money. Stop paying immediately and build your own life because life is short. In 20-40 years each and every person reading my words will be rotten flesh 6 feet under the ground. So throw all moral to the wind and focus only on yourself. The point is to have a certain quality of life whilst you are still here and breathing, even make new babies if thats what your heart desires. The point is that you must never ever give your ex a single cent ever again in your life. Let her go work or even better let her man go work for her.

      But there are exceptions to every rule. If the ex plays her part and sees to it that your kids live near you and you can see them any time you want and as often as you want , then in my opion it is ok to pay child support. Let her take the money and go get fucked by different men, everything is fine and ok. But if the ex plays the dirty games that women love then pay nothing and start a new life far away from the money greedy parasite and only support the good women who give the access that you want to your children.

      1. I think you are full of nonsense. Its not about moving on, or fighting, or getting fucked. Its about ensuring that your child grows up in a healthy environment. A real caring father would ensure that he comes to terms with the mother and get to an agreement. Supporting a child has nothing to do with you seeing your child stupid betch. Every thing that happened to you and you baby your baby mama i am sure it was caused by you, as i see that you have a rotten mentality.

    2. Women don’t have the ability to look at that situation from a man’s point of view. They just see it as that is normal way of sharing the kids because the kids are suppose to be with mommy because she gave birth and its her right to have the more close bond and the courts agree 99% of the time. Women love to be in control when it comes to their kids …. notice I typed ‘their kids’ ….because that is what they feel and think anyway. Remember she gave birth to them and cared for them first for 9 months so her mind they are truly only her kids and she is the decision maker and the final say on her kids. Her mind, body and soul says ” I gave life and nurtured first so she gets the ” Pink Slip”…………. The reality is when they grow up they become adults with bonding, relationship and etc issues stemming all the way back to childhood and for some reason the cycle starts all over again and the parent of the adult child with these problems cannot understand why problems are going on psychologically with their adult child and the mental issues they are having.

  38. I just got off the phone with my ex-husband. I made the mistake of asking him to take our 3 children tomorrow so that I can work overtime. I need to work overtime so that I can make my ends meet, as he is not giving me any money. he knows I wont ever go stand in a court to ask for money for my children. No offense to anybody who does, its just not me. so he says why must he help me? its my fault for divorcing him. so I bit back my anger and just said. ok then see the children when ever it suits you. why do people, oth mothers and fathers try to spite each other with the children? that is your very own dna, what kind of farther or mother you are should not depend on the child’s other parent. But what can I do? go to court to ask a judge to make him spend time with his children? here’s what I think, people who are divorced for being inadequate spouses will make a lot of the same mistakes with their children. and its so sad. I don’t even have the ability to prey for that man right now. I don’t know how to tell my children they may not see their father this weekend. so if any of you are reading this please stop and check yourself, make sure your intentions are for the best of the children and not the worst for the ex.

  39. It’s easy to put the blame on the fathers who don’t visit, I’m also one of them.
    I have the misfortune of living in a country where fathers only get full custody if the mother is a dangerous addict or mentally unstable, and even then it is extremely difficult to prove. My kids were 2 and 4 when my verbally abusive ex finally left my house and moved back to her parents’ house 8 hours away. She got full custody of course, I got a weekend every 2 weeks and half of the holidays. Do you think that did me any good? I earn 360$ a month, I have to pay 40% child support, and all I have left for my living is 216$, my food, bills, travel expenses to my job. Keep in mind that this is not a rich Western country where you earn 5-10x more, this is Eastern Europe. I simply can’t afford the 60 $ to visit my kids, and by the time I get there after 8 hours of bus/train ride, it’s already late afternoon and I have to get back with the last train. Don’t even think about going to a motel, it also costs money. If I want to take them out of town it is 120 $. Money and distance is the perfect way to keep the fathers from seeing their kids, even if they want to. The court rejected my appeal to share the travel expenses with the ex, as a non-custodial parent I have to pay for everything.
    After a few months I realized that either I continue living in this hell and really go nuts over it, or make a hard decision and stop visiting altogether. Custodial parents will NEVER understand the pain of non-custodial parents, and they are hipocritically wondering why we are broken inside. A week before the ex moved out, my daughter hugged me and told me how much she loves me. I was the one who played with her, we laughed together, did all kinds of fun activities. It is over now, the ex won. Money won. I have a new girlfirend now, a new life, and I’m thinking less and less about them now. It gets easier with every single day. It is still better than seeing them for a few hours every few months and crying when it is over. Custodials would only understand if they had to give up their children for two months without the possibility of contact. Until then the fathers are always to blame.

    1. Dont give that witch a single cent ever again. As you said you are in Europe, i dont which country you are in. If your country is part of the EU then simply disappear into western Europe. Nobody will ever know where you are and you only tell your mother or father e.t.c. Believe me, i know this from experience, the ex will go totaly mad, run to the courts and try to get you arrested. You will see how that witch will become very well behaved and very very very nice, humble and courtious towards you when you turn off the tap through which the money is flowing hahahaha.You see my friend, go to west Europe, Britain, Germany infact Scandinavian countries are the best. Try for Sweden or Norway you will earn 20 times what you earn in your country and you never give the witch a cent because you dont tell anybody where you are.

  40. Father of 3 here, facing a separation, and I can only hope beyond all odds that I’ll have a fair chance of seeing my kids on a regular basis. Feeling crushed and gutted beyond belief.

  41. How about the fact the the mother justmay be a P.O.S. who refuses to work to help support the kids. Leaving the father to work 2 sometime 3 jobs in order to provide for them, put a roof over their head and support the mother (ex) as well. Stop blaming fathers who actually do every thing they possibly can for the kids. Sometimes a father has to pr is forced to miss a trip or play date do to the fact he has to work. The mother gives no support what so ever.

  42. I came across your blog and finally realize I’m not the only one going through this…
    I have a beautiful baby boy – Wil be 2 in November. His father is an inconsistent mess. We split up a year ago and we have been to family court twice and we will be going back for various reasons.
    I asked him to leave because of drugs. He smoked Marijuana morning noon and night and the last straw was when he left it out where our son could get it.
    He agreed to take our son every other weekend and I did not push child support at that time. We had a verbal agreement for him to buy diapers and pay me $300 a month.
    Needless to say he was inconsistent with visits – he was court ordered to parent at his mother’s and that didn’t work out. We went back to court in May and at that time I had child support court ordered as he stopped buying diapers and did not pay anything for Oliver.
    He was consistent with visits at least for a month then it was back to the same old. Only this time didn’t see him for 2.5 months.
    I just found out he’s moved in with his new girlfriend and her 2 kids – not informing me until the last minute.
    He still hasn’t paid any child support and says our son will sleep on a futon if I was to allow our son to go to this women’s house.
    I don’t know what to do.
    Bc of the drugs I have restrictions that he cannot smoke drugs or drink alcohol 24 hours prior to having our son. But how do I control the new girlfriends actions.
    I’m so frustrated as all I want is for him to be a father and want to have him more than 4 days a month. I’m at the point where I don’t want a cent from him and I’d just rather he walk away now so our son doesn’t get hurt.

  43. Sorry. I just can’t do it. Not only did he put me through hell with the lies, emotional stress and putting me down, he also set up child support trials and deliberately failed to appear. Then he decided to lay low and harrass me via email because I preferred to handle the whole situation in court instead of outside of court (under the table). Most recently I guess the mother of his new child (I didn’t know that he had another until she facebooked me) contacted me disclosing that “she’s heard so much about me…and wanted to know what happened between us because he blames himself [and how she thinks] that I should contact her and be friends.” WTF!!! I have a strict no contact rule in place because of his psycho ways. I don’t care about his new woman, kid. He refused to be a man and father to my son, but because the new chick does it his way [keeps it out of court] he’s the best father ever?!? I haven’t talked to him in years and he hasn’t seen his son since he was 2 months old. I cannot be empathetic to that individual. I do not care about his new life. He continues to play deadbeat so I could care less how he feels. So he took care of the new kid, good for them because he didn’t do anything for my son. I have no idea why the latest babymamma contacted me. I have no idea why the deadbeat would bother discussing me or my child with her. Especially since he refused to be a real parent.

    1. I agree… My daughter dad complains he his bby ma took his son away…n other the lil grl aint his… I end up getting pregnant and we split she was 4months… He cant handle being responsible…but he dates women with kids n his new gf is a kid n has 3kids…guess shes more important that his daughter i actually let him see. But i do all the effort..

  44. I read this article and didn’t quite make through all the comments and thoughts, I lost it in the fact trolling and defensive posture that Tom took early on. Also, I may be dropping this thought on the wrong article but I want to flip to a situation opposite of the one described in the article. My ex and I were married for 15 years, she left me not too long ago but long enough for things to be final and her living across the street from her new relationship, and it was a sometimes imperfect relationship. I get our kids every other weekend, standard visitation. But she refuses or displays a lack of co-parenting. I’m not involved in any decisions regarding our kids. I wonder how I could encourage her to create a positive environment for us to co-parent? The reason I ask this is due to the lack of respect I get from our oldest daughter, last visit when I asked her to hang up her phone in a car full of siblings and one friend. She told me no and then moments later told me she didn’t have to fu**ing listen to me. Would a visible positive co-parenting environment have helped to prevent this? I wonder many times if I am to blame for this situation with her.

    I will say that I had to start paying child support through the courts, which makes my life both easier and harder. Less stress worrying about if I can get together enough money for support and more stress worrying about how to get together enough money to buy groceries for their visits. No, I don’t go out five days a week, don’t have a girlfriend, and have only missed two weekends when my job absolutely needed me due to sickness of a crew member and when I couldn’t get back into town to get them myself at the start of weekend. I did communicate with our kids in advance and even tried to make arrangements to have them come down and stay with friends is I could see them for at least a short period but she refused.

    I feel like I’m rambling and I’m losing a connection to our oldest daughter that I feel will hurt her in the long run and future relationships. I know I can’t force her to co-parent and this isn’t about my ex, it’s about my relationship with our daughter. How do I flip this, I don’t like the direction things are heading. We tend to repeat history if we don’t learn from it which I feel is true even for our kids and their parents past.

    Please feel free to move this to a better article comment section if need be, thanks

  45. This ‘article’ paints a so simplistic and biased picture of absent fathers. The reasons for which a father may not want to be with their children anymore are very varied, deep and complex to try to lump them in a condescending “because he has feel low worth”. Give me a break for once. There are many things to begin with:
    1. Stop calling it visitation. If a biased, anachronistic judicial system cannot change, at least you take the lead and do it. Visitation is an utterly derogatory term which only serves to self-perpetuate the idea of division and exclusion rather than inclusion. Suggestion? timidly but solidly more legal people and just parents are using the more neutral term “parenting time”. If you keep meaning that a father visits and not parents his children, don’t expect a friendly reaction from him.
    2. If you want more free time then at the time of reaching a separation agreement, focus on shared custody and an access schedule that truly reflects it. Otherwise either you are shooting yourself in the foot, or simply you perpetuate the problem of myriads of mothers: they want free time but they don’t want to share the custody nor the parenting time. Really? keep being a selfish parent or grow up and behave like a mature-thinking adult.
    3. Real life is not Hollywood romantic crap to which so many women are addicted to believe is possible beyond the screen. In real life, people acts and adjusts more according to the many problems and opportunities that life presents than the corny cheesy image of a superhero, martyr, parent who goes several extra-miles for their children and leaves unscathed. Come on, please. Parents do, and will keep going the extra mile for their children, no question, but do it when it makes sense. Bending backwards when is beyond a healthy option is foolish. Stop believing in that Hollywood superhero that makes it happen all at the end of the 2 hour movie. Life is beyond those 2 hours, and many factors you don’t control, which in the end may cripple you physically and psychologically if you do not keep a rational ground where to step on. It is way different to bend backwards and act when your child’s life is in immidiate danger and other when you have been alienated parentally by the other parent to a point that it does not matter what you do, the oly outcome is take a step back, regroup your forces and wait until the child grows and sees for him/herself the true (if he/she can).
    3. When you have your child most of the time, the dynamic of the relationship and the energy spent on it, is of different intensity and nature than when you only are with your child one weekend every here and now, say every other weekend if you are lucky. It is exhausting in all terms because you need to catch up and take advantage of every precious moment with the child during that weekend. you know you will not be with him/her until another 2 weeks if so!
    4. Again, when you have very limited time with your child, and the environment where this happens is sour, due to some form of PAS, sabotaging, blocking parenting time for example, sometimes it becomes unbearable to do everything in your power to be there to in the end be rejected over and over and over again.
    5. At last, as there are more points to be made, mothers please understand once and for all: fathers are equally important, equally fundamental in the life of the children. Their contribution and love for them is as deep, as intense, and raw as the one you mother feel. There is not Orson Well’s animal farm here “some animals are more equal than others”. Once you understand that, everything becomes seen with another light. Yes, some fathers, as well as some mothers, do not care for their children and only for they BF/GF. But those are some, not all. Aim at the ‘all’.
    Stay well.

  46. It’s funny when I read this article…. two years ago I went through what anyone doesn’t want to go through. A partner that cheated because he was unhappy in the relationship. At that time I had my two kids, and I was the one that stood by them as everything fell apart while he was already in his blissful “new” relationship. Not caring at all that he wasn’t there even though they were still young he just dropped his role as being a Dad and that was that. But you know things are never greener on the other side, so he realized that he made a mistake and used the kids are a means to get on my good side and played me again, but I learned the hard way that if a man can’t own up to his mistakes and pretends that life is peachy then why should I let him back in? he left me, left the kids.. which was very traumatic and then returns as if he didn’t do anything wrong. Now two years later, he sees them at least 3x a month. It’s a joke… but my kids knows that I am the one that is there for them, always there to help them with anything, bring them to school, activities, and even though I have them full time, it’s something that I hold onto. My ex has a mind of a 18yrs old trapped in a 31yr mind. I had a lot of anger and hatred towards him… but seeing how all that energy was just for waste I see that now it’s pointless. I can only better myself and show my kids that I will never go anywhere even if I were to start dating, they will come first. It’s a sacrifice that single Moms go through, I know that I can’t be a Dad towards them but they will grow up to know how to a good and better person with my guidance. Thanks for this article :)

  47. This article and comments really struck a cord with me. I do agree that there is something broken about a parent who is not consistent in their childs life and does not put them first. I personally was dealing with my sons father who showed his true colors when I told him I was pregnant. This is someone who i “knew” for 7 years before we even had sex. I did not plan to get pregnant and I even moved to another state to begin my new life but then found out I was pregnant a few weeks after I moved. He begged me to get an abortion. Then while I was pregnant, he decided to get back with into a relationship with his on again/off again ex. She broke up with him when he told her he had another child on the way. The funny part about all this is he blames me for her not being with him anymore but he cheated on her consistently when they were together and unfortunately I began talking to him when he was in the rebound stage. I honestly never saw myself having a serious relationship with him. He wasn’t present during my pregnancy, the birth, or really at all. My son is 4.5 and I can honestly say that I have put so much time, effort, and money into investing in my sons relationship with his father and his fathers family but I can not do it anymore. I am a very empathetic person but if I have learned anything from my sons father is that you have to put yourself and your kid first! I have moved clear accross the country Twice so my child can be in his fathers life and the the first time I moved back he made promises to take our son on a vacation and the day I was dropping him off he canceled at the last minute and then disappeared for two weeks. I eventually forgave him for that but then told him if it ever happened again I would pack my sh!t up and move back home with my parents. Eventually I did have to move back home with my parents but once I got back on my feet I moved back to the state where my sons father lived. He had many months to prep financially, emotionally-or whatever for our move back but didn’t. We had an agreement that he was going to pay for our sons ticket…that didnt happen, he told me at the last minute he wouldn’t be able to do it. We had an agreement for him to take him sun-wed….that didn’t happen, he always managed to call on sunday trying to change the plans. Then the child support payments started to get pushed back….he was originally deposting the money at the beginning of the month but then he changed it to the middle of the month and I was just supposed to accept that. Then he was supposed to take our son to school…the day after he was put on the pick up drop off list he didnt take our son to school because he over slept. I made the decision that he will not have our son during the week because my son needs consistency. For someone who hasn’t been in his sons life you would think he would jump at the chance to take his son to school…nope! He also lost his job…but didnt know that I knew and continued to say that he can only take him sunday-wed because he has to work thursday-sat. He is not working!!! He is partying with his new girl which he stupidly shows on social media. He can take her out on dates but the child support gets pushed back. My son and myself have to do without becaue he decides to put himself first. I have bills to pay too but now I know NOT to depend on him for money or consistency in his sons life. Also I saw the comments about Parent Alienation. I looked it up to make sure I wasnt being a parent alienator. Whew! I choose not to interact with my sons father at this point because the merry go round of his inconsistency is draining…emotionally and financially. I finally put him on court ordered child support and told him if he wants to see our son he can pick him up on weekends from a third parties house (a friend of the family) friday-sun but he has not made contact with them for pickups. The thing is he wants to keep jerking around my time but I have a life now too. When we make an agreement and he doesnt show up I have to pay for a sitter or cancel my plans. Majority of the time Im paying for a sitter which is taxing financially. But Im starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I built a better support system and I made the decision NOT to interact with his father because I have done enough. His father needs to develop his own relationship in his sons life. If he wants to see his son he can pick him up on weekends or get court ordered visitation. He can tell the courts he over slept and they can decide what to do with all his excuses. Sometimes you have to realize the blessings in the inconsistency. Yes he may be broken so maybe NOW is not the best time for him to be in his sons life. Im pissed because I had to find that out the hard way but he will be welcomed with open arms once he takes iniative on his own to file for visitation and actually stick to the plan. I definitely believe my son should see his father more than two days a week but he has school and I overslept is not going to cut it. He has never made our son a priority and never made a birthday or given our son even a $2 bday card but will spend money and time flying out to his friends weddings and birthdays. It doesn’t make any sense to me but its no longer worth wasting my energy on. The final straw was when he told me that “he lost the love of his life messing around with me and my decision to have our son”? Wait a second! I personally DO NOT talk to men who are in relationships I cannot comprehend why its my fault when I didnt get myself pregnant. He is still emotionally tied to his ex before me and she is too but he will forever see our son and me as the reason he and the ex is not together. He doesnt accept his role in the situation and he is missing out on having a great relationship with his son because he will not get over his ex. Sometimes I wish they would get back together because maybe he will be a better father if he gets her back but i digress. Only time will tell what happens but I will no longer be mommy and daddy because I dont have to be…it’s that simple.

  48. When I find peace, mine comes over and bugs us more and brings his pot smoking stench and paranoid control freak attitude with him. Sometimes “peace” just isn’t the answer. I would absolutely LOVE it if mine stayed away–and he does sometimes. Sometimes he takes off for 6 months at a time and then creeps back with his self loathing because none of his family wants anything to do with him either and his job(s) that he retains for 6 months to a year before quitting or getting fired, is too controlling. Then he comes here to be a control freak.

    I can’t wait until the kids are all over 18.

  49. don’t know how i stumbled on this site, but I thought i’d reply because i’m the other half of the relationship from HIS point of view in a very similar situtation

    I am separated from my wife of 9 years, we’ve were together for 14, I am not the one who wanted this and i tried to save the marriage multiple times, we have a 8 year old son who i do see when i can,

    I find it hard to have him over for a few reasons and these may be selfish and just me and i might be “broken” or whatever

    I love my son with all my heart but when i have him i’m reminded about the life we used to have together and him saying that he wishes his family was back together, some of the reason i don’t want to have him is to get back against my ex about her having her time without him, I don’t want her to be able to go out on dates with guys when i have him for several days

    so i think in the eyes of most guys its to get even with the ex, and to prevent her from enjoying the single life that she wants, don’t get me wrong I’ve always had my son when i’m able to but when my ex tries and tell me to take him on a certain day months down the road my first reaction is to say no, I also feel like a “loser” for not being able to find someone else, while my ex has found someone so soon, probably while we were still together, its about punishing her and not about us guys not wanting to see our kids

    just a thought from a heartbroken father

  50. I came across this looking for advice. I agree with everything mentioned. my ex is doing the same crap. I mean he disrespected me n treats me like shit. But im still here trying to let him be involed in our daughter life. He has 2 kids his bby mother took him away he never seen him…the other grl he claim aint his. So just my luck we have bby, we broke up when shes 4months shes 7months nw.. Im open to let him see her but he never calls or ask.. About her. He sees her but only 2hrs. Smh. He dates other women with kids…n his new gf is younger…with 3 kids but i guess shes more worth his time than our daughter. They barley hooked up 2months on n off. Im pissed at least im willing but im the only one making efforts. So i filed for child support and legal custody. His gf i spoke to her tell her how it is…his kid comes first. She knows what shes dealn with…but she said she wants no part n thats our buisness n agree with me…so. Ugh…

  51. I found the various scenarios described interesting. Although I understand the idea that perhaps the father (or non-custodial parent if we want to be gender neutral) doesn’t exercise visitation because they’re broken but frankly its a poor excuse. They are the adult and the victims are children. I don’t want to hear about how they feel they have nothing to offer or are too busy or struggling with other things. They have kids that need them. I realize that women can do this too but men are for more likely to walk off or step out of their offsprings life and I think part of it is that society is more lenient on a father doing this. We tend to treat men who behave like this in an almost infantile manner excusing them. Yet most of us (men or women) tend to judge a mother much harsher if she chooses to treat her children like this. I have a husband who I’ve been separated from for nearly a year because he is having an affair. He pretty much divorced the entire family. We have a 50/50 custody which is a joke. For 6 months he never clled or visited our boys over weekends and put in perhaps 3-5 hours during week visits. Oh and he showed up briefly on Saturdays sometimes for T-ball then promptly left because he had things to do. He is not a parent. I consider him an estranged uncle or something along those lines that just pops in for a quick weekend or something fun with the kids. I have made the kids available to him but he simply doesn’t want to do any parenting. At the same time he continues to argue with me over the child support amount I’m requesting. And its not like were going to living the high life by any means even after I finish my gradute program and work full time again. I figure he (or non-custodial parent) needs to recognize the significant amount of time and effort that goes into childcare especially if they are not truly 50/50 coparenting. Because I have taken on this role I will be limited in terms of my career. I will not be available to go on trips for conferences or work late regularly. I will have to take time off when a child is sick or there is a school event. I’m fine with that but my estranged husband needs to recognize the long-term sacrifices I am making to be basically the sole childcare provider while he is free of these perfunctory duties. It would cost him a lot more if he had the children and had to place them in daycare and after school programs year round. So I guess what I’m saying is non-custodial parents need to keep in mind what the primary parent is taking on and the long-term sacrifices that are coming with that (man or woman) and should want to provide child support and more if they have the resources particularly if they have no intention of actually raising that child. I wish my husband was not simply a source of income and something more but he has made that choice because he decided the grass was greener.

    1. Women do look at men only as a source of income for the most part. The income is the most important contribution for men to make for the children. The problem is its the only thing women make a priority and main focus of the ex -husband / ex-boyfriend . Men just don’t feel as if the mother makes it a priority for the child/children to have 100% engagement with the father because the mom’s new life is more important with her new family ,different functions, her family and relatives are more important so the mom easily tells the father when he asks the mother to let him have the kids an extra day or so because his family is in town, but she turns him down because the kids have others things to do because something came up or planned it that way. I hear from fathers all the time at work and close friends that they constantly have to deal with this. Its no wonder over time the father gives up…

  52. Hello all.

    I am a single father of two beautiful kids. (son 12 and daughtor 9) all I want to say, my ex wife left me and kids almost three years ago for other man. last three years she has only seen our kids three times.( she told me she is busy all the times) I was heartbrokend by my wife I truly loved but I am over with her now and focusing on take care of my awsome kids and myself. That’s all!!

  53. Noncustodial Father here,

    I’m active in my kids’ lives, but…..
    I’ been tempted to abandon from time to time; like a dog chewing it’s leg off to get out of a trap.
    The trap? , psycho bitch mom.

    Sometimes men abandon because they are little pieces of shit.
    Sometimes they abandon because moms are gigantic pieces of shit.
    Just saying.

    1. Thanks for chiming in, and I know that your opinion resonates with many, many men. But … as a mom I just.do.not.get.it. I can’t stand dealing with my ex lots of time, but the thought of abandoning my kids because that literally never enters my mind.

      Can you please elaborate on this thinking? How does a) knowing your kids would grow up without a dad and probably hate you for it, b) miss out on their childhood and your own fatherhood make sense, just to avoid dealing with a difficult ex-spouse?

  54. Shame on you Emma for insulting me and telling me I drank my husbands Kool aid. HE DID NOT ABANDON HIS CHILD. His bitch of an ex wife made it impossible for him to have a relationship with her. Even going to court did no good. You sound just like the whiney women who bitch when their exes won’t see the kids, but fail to mention how they use the child to get back at their husbands. How they make it a living hell. Are some men deadbeats, yes. But not all and it’s attitudes like yours and the others posting that just shows how hard it is for some men to be involved in their child’s lives. If you had read my post with an open mind, you wouldn’t have sided with my husband’s ex, but bitterness seems to be what it’s all about. Keep the hate and revenge going, that’s just what the cild needs.

    1. You husband is an adult and a father. It is his choice to allow another person — his wife, in this case — to get between him and his responsibilities. Sounds like you are mommying him with your excuses for him. Your children deserve better.

  55. My a single mom of three and I have three different father’s for my child I have 11 9 4 year olds my kids have never meet there dads or each other dads I feel the choices I have make with the men in my past life is my choice. I have tried to talk to him about the kids but with choice of mines I don’t get an answer back. I don’t get child support or anything like that. I just feel that if they are not there I will not give you the choice to come and go. I’m raising men not boys. I have one father that calls me to tell me that his son should not be in student council or boyscouts. The other will call me to tell me how to raise my disable son when you have never meet him. Please don’t judge me for that but I have a son that does not need a boy to come in and out of his life. Nor do the other two. I have told my kids about there dad (all good thing) that they are not in the right place in there life to be in your life at the moment but please when you are old enough I will get them on the phone and you can ask them why there choice was not to watch you grow.

  56. I appreciate reading all the comments. I am a divorced dad. I had 50/50 custody for 14 years. I raised my daughter. We were extremely close. As the teenage years approached she decided to go live with her mom full time because she had gotten in trouble (minor issue and the first time I ever had to discipline her told her she could not go shopping with a friend on a Saturday). I reached out to her multiple times she never responded. After awhile I just gave up. She never recognizes fathers day.
    After having the door shut in your face many times eventually you move on.

  57. I think chris is so childish because to him its about money and a woman getting fucked.
    Why doesn’t he think about the kids life, for goodness sake it’s your blood we talking about here.
    Fathers like chris are clueless about being a parent.

    1. It’s easy to say that i am clueless and childish. The mother decides to move to another city, she constantly creates excuses and barriers to make it difficult for the father to play an active part in the childs life. For example why do women move cities after a break-up?. This alone makes it extremely difficult for the father to see his child often. What if the ravel costs exceed the mans monthly budget?. Factor in the fact that the child does not even remember who the father is when the father visits. Eventually the mother will teach the child that the father is a piece of shit, a loser e.t.c.

      You know what, fuck it. Let such women go to hell. There are many women out there and a man who has experienced such useless women like those who make it difficult for the father to be the childs life, will make a good decision when choosing a new woman. This time around i will choose wisely, before i even sleep with a woman i will study her history thoroughly to ascetain if she is even worth the effort or if she is a useless manipulating woman. In such situations it is easier to start a new family and a new life.

      1. women do it all the time and get away with it because society considers women to be the victims and now the laws are getting more in favor of the mothers that women know they can manipulate and even bring false charges if the woman is that evil. Just another tool to divide and separate parents and decline the family unit in America….

    2. He is right how women in society have changed . T.V. talk shows make men bad parents as so does the media as do magazines as so do the courts with new harsh laws that now women falsely accuse men of domestic violence and don’t even have to prove it anymore in court. Society has killed the American family and its decline will ruin every generation of children to think its normal . By the way men do a lot of rotten things in these situations , women are learning now they can get even because of all the things I just stated. Women were looked at to be the responsible parent and caring but its now an even playing field that society puts women and men to be greedy and self-absorbed….

  58. I am a man who has spent a lot of time talking to my preteen granddaughter about her father who never even calls her. I wish the sweeping generalizations in this article were true but unfortunately they are often far from the truth. Many men are simply incapable of understand empathy. They get joint custody for the sole purpose of reducing their costs, and never intend on being fathers to their children. The problem is that when this occurs the courts and the laws are totally unequipped to deal with it and the mothers and children suffer financially and emotionally. As far as I am concerned these men should be in jail for child abuse. .

  59. Thanks for writing this. Its sad but so true. But then are we merely making excuses for their behavior?

    My ex husband wrote in our sons 1st Birthday card “I will always love you”. At the time I thought it very strange and final like he was planning on not seeing and being present in his life as coparent after our divorce. And ever since, he has stopped visiting maybe once a month if that because he claims he doesn’t have gas money but he has money to go to the most expensive gym and gas money to get there and back and he has money to buy $800 plus air tickets to travel. Is that a broken person or merely a selfish person who makes everyone feel sorry for him when he doesn’t deserve pity or he should prioritize.

    I think it was weird for such a final statement but now my son is 20 months and he hasn’t even seen him for 4 months nor has he even seen him walk because the time he saw him 4 months ago he got angry with me after taking me to dinner and then picking him up and seeing him for 5 mins he left. and then before that hadn’t seen him for 2 months.

    Its heartbreaking but it also makes me feel that perhaps its God’s plan that its for the best he is not involved in this little guys life at the moment because he is toxic and his family certainly is.Plus its his family who hates me and his Mother would never let him come back in our lives she is so full of hatred.

    Anyway thank you for writing this.

  60. Bill thank you for posting your comment above it is good to see a mans perspective and I completely agree with all you said. Thank you for sharing

  61. tonight I told my son that his father had called after he went to sleep on his 7th birthday, but he wished him HB and said to have him call. I try to be fair and have them call- but he has not called since before xmas on our other sons bd, where he asked him what he wanted and never sent in, and for last birthday cycle, and the holidays before that. So do I still have the kids call him? Tonight when they spoke to him, he told them they can call whenever they want. But when does he want? They notice, and tears succumb. Not Fair! He sends no money, and only empty promises…setting me up for explanations that I will never truly be able to satisfy. There is no excuse for breaking my child’s heart. Do I stop letting him call?
    I am so sad for all these children of broken men. Women are so incredibly strong and competent.

  62. Try putting the shoe on the other foot, so to speak, and think how if feels for me, the father who is divorced. Except I have always been the responsible one and I have always been the one that goes to the soccer games, the back to school nights, the birthday parties, trick-or-treating on Halloween, etc, I have always been the one to be the stabilizing influence in an otherwise chaotic (and still ongoing) divorce of almost 3 years. I was the parent that took my daughter to her first day of middle school and I was the one that went to her art show. I made her lunches and patiently worked through her frustration with math homework. For all intents and purposes I have been the mature, responsible parent. And yet when she is sad, unhappy and insecure, with whom does she confide in, whom does she prefer to be with? Mommy, of course. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? Do you have any clue on how inconsequential and insignificant that makes me feel as a parent, as a father? Can you imagine how I feel as a father when I put so much love and effort to raise my child just to be reminded time and time again that no matter how much I care for her, love her and sacrafice for her I always be ‘second banana’ to her? Trust me, it hurts like nothing you can imagine.

    1. I feel your pain. The discussion my stepkids had right before Xmas this year in front of their father about how they’d rather spend Xmas at their mothers house (it was his year for Xmas), oh and well, they might go visit the paternal grandparents the day after Xmas for a few hours….was heartbreaking…..as if dad didn’t exist. I kept my mouth shut, but all I could do is look at his face and see the hurt there. I can’t fathom how much pain that was for him. My fiancé is the ultimate Xmas nut, plays Xmas music in the summer, bakes probably about 10 dozen cookies for his brood, cakes, and other sweets, decorates the whole house right after Thanksgiving. But none of that is good enough.

    2. That will change when gets older and puts it all in perspective. When children are young they yearn for mommy. I really believe its the bond of the women because they give birth and a bond is created good or bad. She will grow up and understand you were always there. I have seen this played with parents I know…..

  63. I was married 19 years. He traveled the world for his job. I was the stay home mom that worked part-time but mostly home and taking care of our two daughters. He got sick ( colon cancer) and became a transplant patient ( losing all of his small bowel) The years of being sick, 2004, 2005, 2006. The years I took care of our children and him… Our kids went through hell thinking that any day, we not going have a dad. Then after we all jumped that hurdle and he was finally went back to work, mid life crisis set in…
    He wanted a new motor cycle and wanted to party all the time… I had had enough…He wasn’t listening to his doctors. He was doing everything he shouldn’t have been doing… He was told to stay only six weeks overseas, he would stay twelve weeks…Then he found his new wife now overseas/ online. He made some really crazy decesions. He moved out…Then moved overseas to a country I counldnt serve papers. He wouldn’t pay children support, He wouldn’t pay alimony… He wouldn’t even show up for court for 2years… He got our home, but I got full custody of our children that he gave up on… He decided to throw us out of the home. His own children… Didnt even care that our kids were trying to get an education. All he cared about was his new wife and his new life…
    This is 2016 and he still is not talking to his children… I am still helping my kids…and I call them mine..because I am the ONLY one doing everything to help them be successful in life. I have realized, that you can’t make a person do anything… This is his legacy not mine. I have tried to contact BYemail and I just get from him…That he feels guilty for his actions but yet, he still can’t talk to his kids… I feel it’s a poor excuse… and I feel he doesn’t want too because he still owes me money and he would whether have his secret life and have his young wife…then make it right with his kids… I still have anger issues when I see my kids struggle… And I try to let go of the anger and tell myself now that my kids are young adults, they must find their own way now… I think, as time goes by and I see my kid succeed the less I’ll will think of why he isn’t contacting his children… There is more to this story but I will try keeping it short… My advice is to find your own support and leave their responsiblities to them…I feel it’s a waste of time sitting around wondering why their not doing what they should be doing…

    1. Really tough situation. This rung true for me: “This is his legacy not mine.” Yes and no. Yes, you cannot make him do anything he doesn’t want to do (as you so sagely point out). But it forces to you take on a legacy you don’t prefer: Solo mom.

      Well done in a difficult arrangement.

  64. I spent nearly 12 years in varying degrees of hurt, anger, trying to control and influence the situation with my ex in order to try to prevent my kids feeling hurt. It was me that was hurt though, mostly. I wish I’d have realized sooner that the best way to limit my kids hurt is not to focus on it. Give them a hug, say you’re sorry daddy didn’t make it, then carry on. when I made my peace that he is who he is and gives what he can the kids made theirs. Even when we don’t say anything to our kids, they feel our pain and anger. My kids were grown before I realized how much energy I wasted and how much bigger I made my ex’s shortcomings by my own expectations and by mentally keeping track. It’s better to accept and carry on. I think the articl makes a great point that by reducing expectations we make room for the father to step up.

      1. I am a single mom because of a boyfriend who seemed to love me deeply and wanted to have a baby. We were sickeningly sweet with each other until about a month into the pregnancy. He changed his mind about the relationship when I got moody in the first trimester. That was the first sign of trouble and out the door he went. No trying to work it out. He was just done.

        He moved thousands of miles away within 24 hours, leaving half of his stuff behind and has not yet met our child – even though he insisted that he still wanted to be a part of the child’s life as he broke up with me.

        Also no money has been paid for anything except by me and my family. Not even a small gift. Nothing. When our baby was born he said he apologized and said he wishes he could turn back time and not have walked out (if he really meant that he had the whole pregnancy to try to work it out instead of minimal contact). Not surprisingly he followed that sentence with “what’s done is done and we have to do everything for our baby now.” He has clearly forgiven himself. All this is in text message of course. Not a single phone call has been made since he left.

        He said he’s going to send money on a regular basis (only after I asked about his plans) but that hasn’t happened yet.

        I have treated this guy with nothing but respect in all of our correspondence. Maybe he thinks I’m ok with what he did because I’ve been so kind. To create a baby on purpose and then bail because of a few weeks of hard times. I’m trying my hardest not to tell him off.

  65. Just curious what one would say the excuse is for a person who is on their THIRD child, all different mothers. I think it goes way deep than “no self worth” and just plain SELFISH, SELF- ABSORBED, AND COMPLETE LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, is in fact insanity. I’m willing to pin it on complete lack of accountability, irresponsible upbringing, and mental illness. It’s a shame men cannot be branded on their forehead so that women have a chance to run for the hills. Thankfully I found a true man in my life to pick up the broken pieces. I feel for the sweet children that cannot say the same.

    1. Perhaps the women shouldn’t open their legs and let any man impregnate them willy nilly. How about we go back to the old days where you get to know person first, get married and THEN have kids? I’m not saying don’t have sex, I’m saying don’t get knocked up.

      Women are the ones in control. They are the only ones who get to decide whether a child will be born or not, so please stop blaming men for your irresponsible behavior.

  66. I was working and supporting my ex bf and took him in before he became homeless, 2 months later we are pregnant. I was so so excited, new home, baby on the way!! Work started to bring problems with my back while being pregnant etc.. Our son was 2 months old when my ex thought his mothers dog was more important, he came back… But he started getting pressure from the welfare to find a work!! Needless to say he did not even answer them and left us, my son (5months) and I could have lost everything!!! But the welfare helped me out in a few days, like I said I was working and paying all the bills.. Now it’s different and I suspect he is staying away because he can’t handle pressure to support us in any way. I feel my son deserves so much better but I can talk to a wall instead, he doesn’t pay his alimony, doesn’t call… Nothing. Never thought this was going to happen!

    1. Perhaps if you hadn’t chosen a loser for a boyfriend, you wouldn’t be in this mess. Perhaps if you didn’t have a baby out of wedlock, you wouldn’t be in this mess. Perhaps if women like you consult the man you are with before having a child, the man would still be with you.

      I’m amazed at women who, after screwing up on so many levels go around and blame everything on the man THEY THEMSELVES CHOSE to father their children.

      You get no sympathy from me.

  67. My ex left just before our second child was born and filed for divorce within the week. There was no conversation leading to this, and I could see he was struggling with depression but refused to seek help. He (much later) told me he had to leave like that to save himself from himself because he was thinking suicidal thoughts and couldn’t handle being a father and husband. We were young, only 20, and I do understand now. We’ve been apart for 11 years.

    For the first couple years it was hard. Our daughter was 2 when our son was born. He was not healthy for a few years, it was a very hard and real experience. Their dad was rarely involved the first years. Around our son’s third-fourth year he really became a great dad. We co-parented really great for 6 years! He was involved with school and doctors, came to recitals and sports, and consistently kept schedule, even scheduling extra if the kids asked to see him some more. He never missed time, if he had plans scheduled he made up the time during the weeks around it. Then 2 years ago he started dating someone and she and her own child moved in (within weeks of them meeting). Our two kids were not even told this was happening. They started coming home from time with him very upset. My son started showing up with bruises and my daughter started talking about how dad always just stays in his room with the door closed. The other child would tease and bully my son and their dad would come out screaming if they made too much noise or asked for his help (this is coming from my daughter who was 11-13 at the time). Their dad stopped responding to phone calls, and couldn’t make it to sports or school meetings. Even when our son was hospitalized, the doctor’s could not reach him over 3 months to seek his input in care and treatment. He started canceling his time with the kids, regularly… and they had reached a point where they didn’t want to go with him. They missed him, but were afraid to go to his house.

    He has confirmed all the things my daughter was saying were in fact happening. He’s decided he can’t handle the three kids (our two and his girlfriend’s one). He recently decided he doesn’t want to see the kids anymore. Our daughter said it’s like he just disappeared and now she doesn’t matter to him anymore. He can’t answer her calls because he is helping the other child with homework or spending time with his new family… So, now I have a child who is crushed that she had a great dad and he just disappeared. She is wondering what it would have been like if she never knew him at all…maybe it would be easier. My son keeps saying “he misses dad’s house” but he has special needs and can’t remember or really comprehend all that has happened. He’s very uncomfortable when he’s around his dad, his doctor & psychiatrist are helping.

    I’m looking for any advice on talking about this with my daughter. She is 13 now. She has no contact with her dad other than texts every couple weeks. She says that is all she wants and she finally feels okay with the way things are now, like she’s getting used to him not caring (her words). She and I talk a lot, openly. She does not want to see him, and told him so when he asked out of the blue to take her to the bookstore one day. She does not want to talk to a therapist (which she has in the past) because she says shes okay and she feels like she is handling this the way she needs to (but she’s willing to go if I want her to). She does not seem depressed or angry anymore. Sometimes, not often, she makes comments about “dads” or “men” or questions out loud what it would be like if…. usually pertaining to the possessions that were “lost” left behind in her room at her dad’s house. How can I help her better understand that these are his choices and his actions and have NOTHING at all to do with her brother’s special needs or her own behaviour (she is a perfectionist and rarely breaks rules, but is overly harsh on herself when she does make a mistake).

    Are there any other ways I could talk with her so she can better process his now complete absence (because he has said he won’t see them anymore, and he can’t video chat because his phone is too small). I don’t want her to think this is how dad’s are, or men… I also wonder if I should consider filing in court for sold custody as it would help with my son’s medical care. Any opinions on whether their texting is possibly harmful, if he doesn’t intend to be involved with the kids? She seems to mope for a while after they text, broods in her room a bit, but that’s usually the only change in behavior. And that’s only every couple weeks or so (when she attempts to text him and he gets around to a response, he doesn’t answer her calls). I’m open to all views, suggestions, input! Thanks if you’ve read this far!

  68. I don’t know where to start. I had 2 children from a man who is apparently perpetually broken!! My children are 14 and 12. My ex and I were never married and he was never in a committed relationship with me for years before I called it quits. I am now married for almost 8 years, for the last 10 years I have changed in how I’ve worked with my ex. Before I didn’t want to take him to court for child support, I felt it was something we could agree to together. For years I did this but he was always inconsistent (financially and physically) and he’s very stubborn so he rarely would listen to anything I said without an argument or him saying something disrespectful. Over the years it has been severely taxing. For most of my girls life we had lived in the same city or within a couple of hours away, he didn’t see the girls consistently.
    4 other children later (6 total-probably still not done) he is worse than he was 11 years ago and many of the people in his life enable him. At what point do you protect your children? My ex has a strong hold on my girls-they don’t want to make their dad angry or hurt him, but the relationship and reverence that they do have is because I have instilled that into them whether he was there or not. He is like a drug addict, wouldn’t you protect and shield your children from someone addicted to drugs? Why not a poisonous broken parent?
    The last straw for me is his latest “baby mama” asked if she could bring him to see the girls (we are 10 hours away), after talking with my husband we agreed. Plans got changed-she notified me, however at this point “the father” should have called his daughters to say he wasn’t coming but he didn’t. He doesn’t even understand why he should have. I have bent over backwards to have him be apart of their lives always but I have begun to change over the years and set more boundaries with him i.e. court order for child support and visitation, not allowing him to see them just because we were back home if he hadn’t been in contact (something I would do before), and not answering the phone if he was disrespectful to me (which is something he did often).
    But through all of this I continue to talk to him and tell him how important he is in the girls life, I guess I have daddy issues somewhat and I didn’t want that for my girls. I am not prepared to close the door totally but I am considering severing communication until he proves that he is serious about being in their lives.

  69. i have been dealing with this for a long time. my ex hubby and i ended back in the end of 2007 before our last child was even a year old. he did visitation on weekends and i had high hopes that even though our marriage failed due to drinking, abuse, and infidelity that atleast he would try to be a good dad. things would go good but then after a few weeks something would happen hed get drunk on the day the kids would be going to his place and lay into me so i chose to not bring them to his house (which he lived with his mother at the time) or i would go to pick up the kids and the house would be so disgusting (dirty dishes evey where with old food on them, coffee cups with days old coffee in them every where, garbage bags open and full all over, dirty laundry every where, animal poop on the floor as well as animal urine in the air) and the 2 children that could walk would be in nothing but a diaper running around and our littles one would be strapped in a baby swing coverd in filth with a soaked diaper while he was beyond drawn into a video game. those days i would talk to him about these conditions which seemed highly unfit in my eyes with little children around. then things would go good again and then he decided with his mother to try and kidnap our kids, worst event in my life ever, i was reunited with my children a week later and refused to let them visit until matters change. which i was in the wrong but yet i felt i had a very high right to be angry. he would call to see the kids but it was like he didnt know why he would call cause his mom would be in the background telling him what to say and then he would repeat it. i just left it be. after awhile he got involved with a women which he married and i agree that visits could go on again since he seemed to be getting himself together. which things were good for quite awhile until one weekend he decided to have an over night with the kids and did not talk to me just refused to let the kids come home and did not understand why they couldnt stay. i did not feel ok about it due to when he tried to kidnap the kids our daughter at the time who was 4 had stated that daddy kissed her pee pee, which he denies that to this day that never happened and on other days it wasent him it was someone else. i was very upset but he still got to have the kids over night and then after lying to me about wanting to have the kids to celebrate his daughters bday which they did not do and his wife telling me things that were happening at the house (verbal abuse between him and her) i decided to not have the kids visit him again. after that he has not seen them since he has on and off since then conntected me about wanting me to add him on my facebook account so he can see how his kids are doing or has sent me messages about his feelings towards me and the kids. not once did he ask me how the kids are doing and about visiting them. but when he goes to court about his child support because he for the longest time would not work and pay he would tell the judge but i dont get to see my kids. so i took it upon myself and set up visitation at our local womens shelter so he can work on building a relationship with our kids i had done that back in mid 2014 and still he has told me how he does not have the money our is never in our town to finish the paper work. he has been remarried himself for over 3 years now. he is expecting a new baby in may (he already has 6 other children 5 of them he does not see). and even though he is only 2 hours away from where i live and makes trips with his wife to visit her friends where i live and his family where i live is completely unable to visit his 3 children with me or contact them when i had given him email accounts that they have. after i told our 3 kids about the visitation center they were very excited (even though they have a step dad through my remarriage of 5 yrs) but i dont know what to tell them when they ask me why their dad wont visit them. but when i remind him about it i just get told that he has no money no way to get to town and no time to finish the paper work. i get so mad and angry about this. am i wrong to be angry about what hes doing to these kids??? how do i talk to them about this when they ask??

  70. I’m in the unenviable position of begging my fiancé to not give up on his kids, but I fully understand why he would want to…..his ex.

    It’s been 7 years of ups/down with her….nearly all of it over parenting issues. In fact, it was largely finances and the raising of the children that caused the breakup of the marriage. 4 kids are involved and we have to admit that we’ve lost the fight.

    The Christmases where she bought expensive gifts on credit, then when the bill came due, tried to get child-support recalculated to factor that in. (Bad move on her part. Child support actually got lowered because the agreement was made when she wasn’t working. The recalc took into account her salary.) If we bought a laptop for a child for school, miminal Windows machine, she’d go out and get that child an iMac top of the line for that same holiday.

    My fiance believes that kids should be expected to eat vegetables, do household chores that are age-appropriate, have the ability to do extra work for money, be polite, make ok grades, and answer your parent when questions are asked. Virtually all of that has been undermined one way or another by his ex. Sometimes it’s almost as if when my fiance tries to lay down any type of boundary, mommy jumps in to make sure that he has no ability to raise his kids.

    Two of the kids are technically adults, but never see us unless they want something.

    The eldest boy left our house when he threw a punch at his dad because he didn’t want to go to school. He barely graduated HS with a less than 1.0 average. Even the military wouldn’t take him after graduation because his grades were too poor. All through our attempts to get him to attend classes and work on his studies, the ex was telling him not to worry about the bad grades, it was no biggie. In fact, he was taken to psychiatrists, because it was our fault that he was so traumatized by the divorce and our relationship. He’s now 23, unemployed and just recently got booted out of a friend’s apartment where he had been sleeping on the couch and not contributing to that household either. Now he’s living with his grandparents. Apparently, this is our fault too.

    The eldest girl never comes over except to treat our house like a shopping center. I’ve had to prevent some of our items waltzing out the door in her arms. She is probably the best of the lot.

    Two are still at home. They now refuse to do any chores unless they are paid for each performance, minimum of $10 a pop….because mom does it. We don’t have the money for that, especially since we’re still paying on cars for both of the elder kids as well as child support. Mom doesn’t have a job, but her new husband is an inventor with several patents to his name. We both are government workers who make average salaries.

    We’ve tried to keep healthy food in the house, no or few HFC items, no sodas, etc because his family has history of both obesity and early heart failure. The ex brings over boxes of candies, chips, and other items we don’t buy much of, knowing full well that we’re trying to get the kids to eat fruit instead of candy, and healthy items instead of junk. The kids are told to hide them in their rooms, but we always find the wrappers….and the dead giveaway is the newly occurring refusal to eat dinner because they’ve gorged themselves on junk. We’ve tried to bargain with them to get a list of healthy dinners that they’d be willing to eat, but were told that we should cook each child whatever dish they want, even if that means cooking 3 different meals per night. That’s a no-go. I work 50+ hours per week, so does he, but he always makes sure he is home in time to have dinner ready by 6:30pm at the latest.

    Recently with the 14 year old girl, we asked her to not bring the thongs her mom buys her to our house because my fiance thinks it highly inappropriate for a 14 year old to be wearing a thong. He took her shopping to pick out new panties so that she could have something she liked that wasn’t a thong. We got a screaming phone call from the ex telling us that we were “oppressing” the daughter by requesting that she not bring thongs to our house. She threatened to sue if we didn’t allow the girl to wear thongs. It’s not like we said that she couldn’t wear them at her mom’s house, just don’t bring them to ours. We didn’t give in, but now the daughter barely leaves her room and refuses to answer when her dad asks her a question.

    After the events of this last week, which included pretty much all of the last 2 paragraphs, my fiance told me he is no longer cooking (he’s an excellent cook) for them, so the kids will have to fend for themselves now. And he has also said that when the boy who is still at home graduates at the end of this year, he was thinking about giving up his rights on the remaining child. We already know that we will be moving out of the area when she graduates from college just to get away from the ex, but he’s talking about stepping up the timeframe on all of that too. It makes me so sad I want to cry and just sick to my stomach.

    All he’s ever wanted was a large family that he could cook for and have fun holiday celebrations with as they got older. He has sat with his kids to do homework, taken them camping, given up custody time upon request so that the kids could see their cousins from her side of the family. He’s adjusted his schedule on nearly every request she’s made, whether it’s because she scheduled her courthouse wedding during his custody time or because she scheduled a vacation during her own custody time and didn’t want to bring the kids. I’ve dropped work to pick up kids from school because she’s decided to go out of town on her custody time, and worked from home when they were sick. Nothing appreciated by anyone.

    We’ve recently taken up an out of the house activity 2x a week. It started out as exercise, but part of it has been a sanity saver because we can just let the kids eat whatever when we go. We’re basically getting driven out of our home. After 7+ years of this nonsense, my fiance is too tired to fight for his kids anymore.

    So, if you wonder the real reason why your ex doesn’t see the kids and why you are a single parent, it might be the damage you’ve done by undermining the other parent’s decisions on child rearing. The golden rule applies. If you don’t want that parent telling you how things must be done under your own roof, don’t take that ability away from him.

    1. This situation is really heartbreaking, and I’d hate to think of your fiance really giving up.

      But screaming question: Why would the kids so drastically side with the mom if she is so unstable? Children understand right and wrong very early, they inherently want to succeed and are attracted to stability, love and strong morals. Something in this story is amiss …

      1. Mom can be very charming, and what’s not to like when you can pretty much get your way whether or not it’s good for you. To the children, she’s very generous with time and money. To us, it often comes in the form of competition. Don’t like it when you ask to be taken to the store for a brand new bathing suit at 8pm on a school night (and you already have 2, but you want to impress your friends on the weekend) and your father refuses?….just call mom….she’ll drop everything to drive clean across town and pick you up….and the first that we know of it is when you tell us where you are going and with whom on your way out the door. My fiancé becomes the bad guy. Our only choices at that point are to let it happen or risk a rather scarring episode where the police may have to be called. And, keep in mind that from the kids’ perspective, if it’s the only thing you know, then she doesn’t seem quite so unstable.

        But, yes, it’s not like they don’t notice that some things are amiss. Example: 5 years ago, when the teenage boy was in grade school, he expressed an interest in learning the sport which I competed at when I was younger. I wasn’t the reason for his interest, as that came from video games that he played, but I did encourage him. The ex, who knew about my hobby, categorically banned him from seeking any information on the subject. He told her that she needed to get over her issues and that his interest was based upon that game. She punished him by exclusion for several weeks. The eldest daughter, who probably has the clearest sight is that way because when her parents were going through the divorce, her mom would climb out the bedroom window to go clubbing, leaving her as a teenager alone to get the kids bathed and ready for bed. So, yes, there are things that they do see and they know their mother isn’t a saint, but they also love her and were raised by her, so the sight is limited. And maybe, when you have extreme examples of instability like that and the other behaviours are more calm, then they seem sane and reasonable by comparison?

        Some of it, like the regular threats of lawsuits (usually several a year, and a few have made it to court) have been kept from the kids as much as possible….by all parties. Myself and their dad because we have a policy about never saying anything negative in front of the kids about their mom, especially me, which is probably why I’ve vented on this forum. We’ve strived hard to keep a low conflict household. After hearing about what went on in the marriage, I felt that the children desperately needed that, and my fiancé was just happy to be in a low stress environment. In 7+ years, even when the kids aren’t around, I think he’s raised his voice to me twice. We argue, but its more at the discussion level and we try to never be in serious disagreement around the kids. They do notice that the environment at their mother’s house is much more high conflict, which some of them have told me is why they still keep visitation with us….to have a place to go during those times.

        ….and as an aside, I’m a divorcee myself and a stepchild. My father’s parents were divorced, so I’ve done the blended family/divorce thing from all sorts of angles. My parents never ever treated each other’s decisions about my welfare and upbringing post-divorce like this. They might not have agreed on things, but they never ever would deign to undermine the other parent’s authority or compete to play favourites. TBH, I feel lucky to have had the parents I did after my experiences with this.

      2. She is a controlling who threatens the guy and he can’t stick up for himself. Men do it all the time. Over time she has learned to control because he will lose everything and the woman knows the courts are still in the favor of women even in this day and age.

  71. I am a recently divorced father (Nov ’15) and was awarded 50/50 custody of my children on a two weeks straight at each parents house. This was maintained throughout the year long separation and was mostly agreeable. I should be grateful, right? I love my two young children more than anything and am lucky enough to share them. However, with the nature of my work, I must physically leave to work on a rotational schedule for two weeks at a time working 12-18 hours a day every single day I am gone. I do not contact the children the entire time I am away, so as not to speak with my ex. Upon returning from my two week rotational schedule, I have the kids full time being both Mommy and Daddy and frankly, just getting by. I do my best, but feel it is not good enough. I live in a small town with no family (both inlaws live here), few friends (ex employed tactical character assassination to lessen her guilt for several affairs), live in a rural area with literally no women I’m interested in, pay child support despite having 50/50 custody, and maintain a home that is not used 50% of the year. Angry that I had to pay child support, despite having 50/50 custody, and still raw with the fresh wounds of divorce I called my ex some very derogatory names, but in no way threatened her. She then filed a DV TRO against me saying I threatened her. With an upcoming court hearing, I am wavering on relinquishing all my custodial rights and abandoning my children. I feel incredible guilt and shame even thinking these thoughts, let alone writing them on a random blog. However, my plight was highlighted by this entry in particular. I love my children and want to be a positive influence in their lives, however, I’m just not built for this. I cannot live here in this small town, averting the twisted glares perpetuated by false truths and blatant lies. The very few people I have told my thoughts told me I was simply being selfish and I need to suck it up for my kids. Obviously not what I want to hear. Despite these recommendations, I plan to move forward with my life, selfishly and defiantly in opposition to my ex. She believes I would never be so bold as to abandon my children in search of greener pastures. She thoroughly enjoys her two free weeks without the burden or plight of responsibility, while blowing her undeserved child support checks at local bars and hair/nail salons.
    I doubt anyone will read this, but it was therapeutic getting the words out, even in vain. I was a very good, faithful, providing husband and father that has been relegated to nanny. I will either relocate, or kill myself.
    If people wonder just how a father is able to do this… this is how.
    I fully plan on paying full child support and talking with the kids as much as possible, but it will be from afar… unless the ex is willing to relocate with the children to my new location.

    My apologies for the rambling mess. I am still emotionally, financially, and morally devastated from my divorce. I am coping terribly, and cannot seem to quell the anger and rage towards my ex.

    1. Hang in there bud, sometimes you have to let go. It sucks but if it’s killing you there are two choices, let it or move on and try to heal.

  72. Thank you so much for this article. My son’s father just told me he no longer wants to co-parent. This is exactly what I needed. I even started writing again to vent. I literally was crying while googling and your article put that to rest. Thank you. <3

  73. @Abandoner: If your ex is willing to force you into even considering abonding your children then my advice to you is to never ever pay child-support. Have you totaly lost your mind?. Quit your job and find a new less stressful job. The fact that this move will render you unable to pay the current amount of child-support is irrelevant. What is relevant is your own sanity and well-being. Why should you go work long hours to give that idiot money whilst you must make due with less?. That idiot will then get a new lover,if that man is a smooth player he will pocket all your maintanance money, that I promise you. I promise that your ex will remarry and her husband will use your MONEY to build and maintane his HOME. Have you lost your mind?.

    Pay nothing, let that witch get off her ass and go work. If she wants to hurt you through your emotions then turn off the cash flow. Your children wont suffer if you dont pay. They have grandparents, aunts, uncles e.t.c. They are well supported and shielded from the negativities of life.

    At the end of the day it is about you and only you because she will eventually turn the kids against you. Thats why you earn less which means less stress, more rest, better health, better peace of mind, less alcohol because you wont need it. If you want extra cash then use any skills you aquired in your life to hustle extra money on the side that the tax man will never know about.

    Eventually you will find a good woman to start a family with and thats why you must know how to husstle. If you make the mistake now and solidify high child support amounts then if you only begin paying less when you remarry, the court will blame you and say to only doing it to give your woman money. Start now and learn the ropes that way your ex and the courts will have already given up on getting even a cent before you start your new family. Your new family will need alot of money.

  74. I didn’t read all the comments so this might have been mentioned, I was a good father, my ex refused to share parenting even though I was the emotionally close parent with my daughter. At first I had her 6/14 days then my ex made up story’s about my parenting skills so it was reduced to 4/14 days. Then she moved 45 mins away and said travel was too expensive so it was reduced to 3/14 days.. In the end I had her Friday and Saturday evening every second week. During this time I had a son with my new partner. We split when he was two because of the stress and drama from the first ex. She did the same thing the first ex did, copy and paste. Back to court, reduce time increase support payments. I now make $413.50 after deductions for child support. I have lost my home and live with my mother. I am 46 and on disability from stress and depression. I have not seen my kids in over a year. I get no phone calls or FaceTime calls, my 5 year old son starts school this fall and I don’t even know where he lives. So that’s why I don’t see my kids.

  75. What about the mother who only wants 1 of the children,moved out and took everything from daughter’s room nothing from his.Asking me to sign off custody of her and she will give me full on him .Of course I told her no ,6 months latter she coaches our daughter to claim son raped her (they are biological )trying to get custody. Which proved to be false.Claims after she only wants to see him 1 day a week has never showed or called .Occasional text ,nothing for his birthday or Christmas when he texted her why she said he is a spoiled brat for asking. I have my daughter 50% and figure I’ll have her full time when her cuteness wears off.I think this may be more then low self worth

  76. I would agree that parents who don’t see their children are broken – and only they can fix themselves. They have psychological issues ranging from inadequacy to NPD (narcissitic personality disorder). While I support having empathy, the real work is helping our children understand and process the pain that this causes. If the broken parent wants help, rare, then of course we should do our bests. But some people are simply vortexes.

    I wish everyone underwent psych evaluations before having children. There are a whole lot of charmers that are really toads.

    Also, I would not date someone who doesn’t see his kids. He, to me, is broken – and it’s not my job to fix him or drag my child through that journey. I don’t care what he would say about his ex – she could be a raging loon – he still needs to see and stay involved in the lives of his children. I wouldn’t be able to hide my disgust.

  77. My ex-wife and I ended a 14 year relationship that was so harmful that my kids were affected in a very negative way. When I left and knew this was the end she came to my parents house with the kids to use them as a diversion and accused me of domestic violence as she tried to enter my parents home in a rage. The ex -wife came at my dad in hostile manner and my father who is 70 years old and in very poor health was scared for his safety. I blocked her advances by restraining her arms as she was using them to swing at my dad. She had me arrested for domestic violence the next day after she made a police report showing I had bruised both her arms with markings. I know the crazy person that she is and know she made those bruises and marking to show as evidence for the arrest. My kids are 13 and 15 years old and I decided that for the mental well being and not putting them thru any harmful anguish I will be absent from them until they are of adult age. I want them to not see more crazy and mentally damaging episodes as they have seen enough. The ex-wife talks badly in front of them about me even when other people are around. I can picture me picking up and dropping off the kids and having confrontations with the ex-wife and the kids have to see it still. She will never change and hates me to the core for leaving and making our marriage the worst time she has ever had. She says everything is my fault and tells her family and anyone who will listen that I was the evil one and she refuses any fault of her own. She was controlling and always telling me in our relationship that she will take the kids away from me if I didn’t do what she told me to do. If I pulled off 3 things she asked for and she demanded an even bigger unrealistic 4th demand then I knew there was hell to pay. Nothing was ever good enough for her as she sat around the house on facebook all day or slept all day long while I worked from 4 in the am till 5 or 6 in the evening to pay for everything and told me once maybe I need to get a 2nd job because we were always broke at the end of the month. I gave up 4 or 5 years ago and just became like her. I was so exhausted trying to keep up with her demands that I felt I had a mental break down and my parents supported us . I had no ambition to want to strive for anything anymore and the real hell then came at me from her. I have no idea how or why we still stayed to together for the next 5 years but I was emotionally gone from the relationship. She told me 2 years ago that she doesn’t love me anymore and I gave an “Oh Well” kind of response to her and told her im sorry that I messed up. The reality is was out of love with her those 5 years back and maybe even more than that. I just made it looked like I cared so she would see the ‘guilt look expression’ the day she told me she didn’t love me anymore. She honestly gets enraged if she was told by me indirectly or directly that she was part of the problem for the relationship. This is why until the kids are 18 years of age I don’t want them seeing violent anger with her. She is a person that blames everybody else for all the negative things and me. I cannot trust her for the kids sake to keep even the visitation civil until the kids are 18 years old and these kids deserve better than that and they need peace. I want them to be prepared with mental sound as they enter into adulthood and let them get over the past because I do love them very much even if they are being told otherwise by her. F Y I.. I did cheat on her once that she knew about and had passing other affairs and feel guilty that I Should have just ended it then. 2 years ago she had 2 affairs herself and I didn’t like the one guy being around my kids and I encouraged her to have time with the other affair because the guy had a good career and seemed normal. She thought it was weird for me to encourage her to have another man and that I would even watch the kids as she went out with him for the weekend. In the back of my head though I just wanted to have a reason to get rid of her and put her attention on someone else so I can get out and pursue my life happy. I have never learned and changed so much from any type of experience I ever had than the relationship I had with her. I never thought I would learn so much from a 15 year relationship lol……..

  78. My babby daddy when he calls me to ask about our child he sound like he is felling sorry for me. i dont know why, its been 3 months not seeing his child yet he pays support through court.

  79. I am so happy there is a post to talk about this type of situation. I have been feeling lost like no one understands my situation with my sperm donor. I am going to give you the run down and then I really need some opinions .. okay I have a 7 yr old that NEVER sees his dad , the father pays child support faithly threw attorney general thats because they take it out of his pay check I take him to court every 3 years for modification and I do it because he doesn’t spend time with his son or call his son. My fear is when the child gets older the father will hate the child because of me takening him back for modification every 3 yrs, the father does not see the child or call the child the father only pays child support nothing else oh he has to pay for medical insurance but any drs bills, dentist bill he says he doesn’t have to pay but it is in the court order he has to ,, should I just suck it up and pay for everything on my own and continue to do everything by my self he has another gf and he rakes care of her 2 kids that are not his. I had this child he did not want any more kids I got pregnant and he wanted me to have an abortion I did not want to do that. So he is mad because I decided to keep my child . Should I take him back to court for more money and get reimbursed for my medical expenses or leave him alone. It really pisses me off. I said maybe he will want to have a relationship with my son when he is older I just feel like he will hate my son because of me. But itnis nit fair to me to have to do everything it makws me mad because these boys need a father figure I can not teach him how to be a man. I also have a 24 yr old his dad was not there either Thank GOD he turned out okay. What should I do ? Just leave him alone and let him live his life and raise anothetr mans kids or keep taking his ass back to court ?
    I really feel sorry for my son…

  80. My ex turned into a monster the last few years of marriage. Lying, cheating, mind games, demanding, and so on. I’m still hearing of things he did and said. He took his favorite daughter, (yes it was obvious to everyone) and left the youngest with me. He spent almost no time with her after he moved, now he doesn’t spend any time with her. No explanation. I’m sorry, but there is NO excuse or reason to EVER just stop being a parent. I wish he was ashamed, but he has never felt shame. He is selfish, and does not CARE what his choices do to anybody. He made that very clear. Be sympathetic and apathetic towards him? Absolutely no way. I will not waste my energy thinking or feeling anything good or kind
    towards a human who refuses to understand and respect emotions.

  81. hi. i have a 7mouth baby and my baby daddy doesn’t support his child he doesn’t visit her or call he never buy anything sins my child was born and he keeps on telling me that he will come and see her but he never do and even when she is sick he doesn’t care i really don’t know what to be because i sometimes tell myself that he will come to his senss but no am only fooling myslf.

  82. There should be no such thing as child support. The kid should go to the dad half time and the mom half time and each parent can cover the cost when the kid is with them. Women love to suck on the tit of the government and the fathers they could really care less about.

  83. Dear ladies, im glad i found this site. I feel ever woman here and i pray that we all go through it. Being single mom is never easy but because i love my child i’ll do anything to be there and give him all the love. It breaks my heart to move on thinking that my child is missing his daddy. He may not mention his dad a lot but i know he miss him dearly. I did everything to keep our relationship but it is very hard when your husband assume and thinks NEGATIVE always about you. I never stop explaining myself everytime i come home from work, parents house, etc. He is physically, mentally and emotionally abusing me for the last 3 years. But i kept it going because i always felt that my son’ needs us together as a family. I even kicked him out 100 times but he still ask for forgivness! and i always always forgive and move on with him thinking that he will change. but never…… so i been telling myself that someone in this relationship should be the one, the stronger one who can LET GO! and that was me i blame it all on me.. for giving him so many chances! it was me me me me… and know i am free from all this abuse…. but how about my son now :( his dad never calls or visit :(

  84. Its saddens me that most of this post is about woman with kids who moan about the father of the child to seeing there children. I as a father have my son with me all the time. My child has not seen his mother for over 7 months and refuses to even talk to her on the phone. She has not even tried to find out why her son would not talk to her. She has a new man in her life and I think my son feel that her mother left him to make a new family. My point is that not all fathers are a dead beat fathers Woman (mother) just as bad but it hurts me to see that woman get more support regardless. My son is doing well in school and is also well liked by his friends and teachers and love to be with me so much that I sometime I feel sad that he has lost this mothers love

    1. I have been divorced eight years now from my daughters mother. I have 50/50 joint and legal custody. With that I have paid and continue pay significant child support. Along with health insurance and many extras for my three girls. Early on it was great, I spent much time with them and was involved in their everyday lives. I had gotten over the fact my ex left me for my daughters third grade teacher and focused on work and my girls. It has gotten more difficult now that girls are getting older. My oldest is 18, then 16 and 12. The teenagers live almost exclusively with their mom. I made a tough decision to give them space and allow them to focus on their friends, school and familiar surroundings. I live 15 minutes away, but it seems like they live across the ocean. I noticed a couple a years ago they wanted to spend less time with me at my house. Rather than force them in my presence I took a backseat. I remained readily available, traded overnights for dinner dates and text messages. I supported them emotionally and financially the best I could. Now it seems my authority doesn’t hold weight with my ex. That her rules only apply regarding decisions and curfews etc. When I assert myself and try and enforce, I am the bad guy and they want to see me less. The ex undermines my decisions and dismisses my authority. The only time I am consulted is when she needs money. And don’t forget. I pay $800/month. Carry healthcare premiums. pay for braces myself. Bought my daughter her car, which I alone maintain and insure, plus carry their cell phone plans and much more. My 12 year old spends plenty of time at my house, I am just afraid when she gets older that will change. I am frustrated and emasculated as a loving father that has missing my girls teenage years. I can pay and play I call it. Cant get involved in the nitty gritty with the older ones. Not sure what to do.

  85. Heres the very reason the men don’t wanna be around you women,nag,complain,n pretend here to be self righteous.
    A man only run,when he has had enough.
    Control over the men,not wanting them to move on,interfere in their new relationships,pushing them away.

  86. You people are so judgemental and can’t see that all situations are different. In same difficult situation most people act in similar way. Parents don’t leave their kids just because it would not be nice to have relationship with them or they don’t love them. Sometimes that huge love for them is the reason.
    People get or have from beginning work so far away from child and other parent that they can’t see often their kids. When they never get the bond with kids they (kids) won’t be able to visit long holidays apart from mom/dad and close ones. Young kids don’t usually care to phone or Skype and have patient to it even with close people.
    Sometimes the situation is so toxic that it can only end by letting kids live in peace with other parent if they treat them well. Kids can sense that situation.
    It is also very common that parent who lost physical custody after years spending 24/7 with their child or parent who had very, very close bond with child and lived with him/her and by court will only be able to see their child 1 or 2 times a month that they can’t bear it. Kids will think they got back to them in visitation and cry their eyes out when they leave them again. Whole visitation may be ruined with sorrow because soon it will end and that will break parents and child’s heart all over again. Even the most loving parents may let their kids grief and forget them in that situation. Even if the damage was smaller for kids when that continued, parents can’t bear it. They may not be able to go with the feelings from loosing them all over and missing them. They may also get so depressed that they can’t work and also that they no longer are able to travel to visitations if they live far away. Those most loving parents usually get bad depression and suffer greatly. Many are broken to pieces and get physically and psychologically sick from it.They aren’t capable to fight for custody (in USA may not afford it) and it usually don’t change the situation. I can’t even bear to read moms and dads telling about situation like that. I know I could not bear it either and would get deep depression and maybe even lost capacity to work in situation like that. I wish that wouldn’t happen. But I do understand them. If that parent without custody wouldn’t have that strong, loving bond with child then it would be easier. If they never lived together, especially then it could be just nice visiting to close relative. Those people don’t get usually sick from grief, they can study/ work, soon date again and start family with other man/woman.
    In comparison. If you were in love and only saw that person once or twice a month it would be really heart braking and hard. Seeing relatives that much could be just enough without any grief or missing them in between though you love them so much you could die for them.

    I think it’s good that in many country childsupport is close to none and may disappear (it can be 0 and even millionaires usually have it 100-150$, max 250$, never more than with people wit low in come). Lawyers and courthearings are free for people with low income and depends on income anyways. Travel expenses to visitation are free for unemployed. Still in many smaller countries parents living in other side of the country may not be able to see kids almost at all if there’s no airlines and if there is not tickets you can afford. If you have 30 hour drive in weekend to your child and back, then how could you see them except in holidays?

    It’s also different to be a real life mom/dad who care for the child than donating sperm/eggs. That has nothing to do with parenting. Likewise sometimes condoms brake and 97% is quite low protection anyways. If men want abortion/day after pill and women won’t then it’s no more wrong if they both really want to rather have situation as when in sperm donation case than parent together. Single women can have kids that way or adopt and it’s fine. Gay men can adopt also or have biological children through donated eggs and surrogacy. If that’s fine then it’s fine then also.

    Only way to stop single parenting and for kids to have two parents is fir people to have sex only when married and stop divorcing. That would be the first thing where to start making children’s situation better regarding on biological parenting. If biological parenthood would be so important then there wouldn’t be egg/sperm donations and surragate mothers either.

    I personally think that it would be best for kids if people would have sex only when married and stay married for kids. People should know that big romance and sex life may stop for years after kids and relationship may end up from romance to companionship. That is actually by far the most likely and normal situation in relationships.
    I don’t personally think that kids should be made in tests tubes if not from parents egg/sperms for medical reason. That is only because many children end up as currency and sex trafficking and there is enough orphans wanting to be adopted. But if someone’s close friend or relative need egg/sperm donation and really want to do it that way and they did that, then that would be fine.

    I don’t see sperm/egg donators as fathers/moms legally or otherwise though they are that biologically. Though kids should have a choice to meet them when old enough because many want to by curiousity. But I would see adopted childs parents 100% fathers and mothers to their child.

    As long as people have sex without commitments, many kids don’t have both parents due to situations. To stop the latter, stop the first. When that happens we can help people with the situation. Not judge them.
    Truth is that nearly all western women and men can’t say they only had sex in marriage and stayed in it. So we can’t personally blame or judge anyone on that and the consequences from it even our situation is better.

    In any case it’s wrong to blame or judge people with very difficult situations when having everything well in our lives. We can’t understand them and say that we would be able to do better in that situation or that we may not do worse than them.

  87. My ex and I have a son who is almost 5 years old. We have been broken up for a little over a year now. In the beginning ex had our son Tuesday and Wednesday nights and every other weekend. It was working well, never any issues. He kept bringing up how badly he wanted 50/50 custody. I was reluctant but decided to try it. It’s been a few months since we started 50/50 now, and honestly he sees our son less than before. He cancels his nights regularly. For stupid reasons too “I’m having a bad day” I have bad days too, deal with it. Or “my IBS is flaring up, I’ve been on the toilet all day” to me these seem like cop outs. I am starting to feel like he wanted 50/50 only so he could tell people that, so he would look and sound like an amazing devoted single dad to his friends and family. This week, he has only taken our son for one night, picked him up around 7 ( his bed time is 8) and dropped him off at daycare for 8:30 the next morning, so in this week of 50/50 custody he spent about 2.5 waking hours with our son. I feel like this is going to continue to get worse until he just stops seeing our boy all together. Why would he beg for 50/50 if he cancels his visits regularly? I would try harder to force him to take our son on all his scheduled nights, but for me, no matter what kind of day I’m having, I would love to see my son every single day so I just agree and enjoy my extra time with my little man. I never thought my ex would become an absentee parent, and I don’t really want it that way, but it looks like that is where we are heading.

    1. I just want to add to my comment. I have not asked my ex for child support, have never restricted access or tried to put limitations on what he does during his time. I have been cordial. My ex, I feel, is trying to relive his late teens/ early 20’s since the breakup. He stopped paying the mortgage on what used to be our home, let it go into foreclosure, and moved into his womanizing buddy with a criminal record’s 2 bedroom apartment. Our son does not have his own room or bed in this apartment. I mentioned 6 months ago that it would be a good idea to at least get our son his own bed, ex said he would work on it, still no bed. It’s like he has just given up. I don’t get it. He works a good job and could afford his own place but he hasn’t put any effort into moving out of there. It’s ridiculous. I was a stay at home mom with nothing when we broke up. No job no money, no place to go. It took me 3 months to get a job and save up enough to get a place for son and I to live. All ex cares about is himself, his friends and his new “cool single guy” image. I don’t think this has anything to do with him feeling inadequate as a father. Other things just became more important to him than home, family and our child. I have never made any of this difficult for him. Even if he is off work all day, he does not pick our son up until an hour before bedtime(if at all) he never calls or asks about our son when he hasnt seen him in 6 days. I just went over the past 33 days, I had our son 23 days, he had him 10. By his choice, not mine! What is going on with this man? Mid life crisis? Regretting having a child? Selfishness? I don’t know anymore

  88. I’m a situation where I was told I’m not good enough (basically was told to NOT try and work on it anymore), constantly questioned on basic life skills by the ex, paying alimony and child support and working 2 jobs to do so.
    Yes, I get a bit tired. What am I doing wrong?

  89. I would LOVE to spend more time with my kids, but my ex-wife has decided that my children are required to call her live-in boyfriend “daddy”, and all the courts do whenever I try to get my visitation rights enforced is to scold her, and tell her that she ‘will be’ in contempt of court if she doesn’t start allowing me to see my kids.

    The courts will gleefully lock a ‘dead broke’ non-custodial father up if they can’t pay child support, but they refuse to enforce visitation rights, even in states where Interference With Custody is a criminal offense.

    This has taught me that family courts view non-custodial parents as the custodial parents indentured servants who are required to provide a government mandated LIFESTYLE for their children, and by inference, the custodial parent and whomever they choose to cohabitate with.

    As an honest family law lawyer (yes, there are a few left) told me, for the courts, it’s all about the money.

    Placing children with the lower earning parent and restricting the non-custodial parents access to their children increases the gross amount of ‘child support’ collected, which then increases the kickbacks (incentive payments) that states receive under the Child Support Performance and Incentive Act.

    My father is also terminally ill, and I told him to give my inheritance to my brother to keep it out of my ex-wife’s hands. I could use the money, but my family court judge has a history of ordering non-custodial parents to send windfalls to their ex-wives because “the mother deserves that money”.

  90. Well tht is shit, my daughter is 6yrs old n her father ,well he promises our daughter everything n hw he’s gonna call n take her out n stuff ,which he never do n im left with questions like , ‘ mom y is he nt coming doesnt he love me anymr or mom dd u tell dad nt to come c me anymr or mom plz tell dad to come on my Bday plz’. Tht is stressing me out i dnt know wat to say to her anymr coz he keeps repeating this over n over again. The thing is he calls after months or a year n just imagine by tht tym my daughter has stopped asking abt him n nw he calls, the worst is wen he brings he’s new wife/gf n their new kids to c my daughter ,playin perfect family in front of her, thats bullshit

  91. What I have to ask here is what about the situations when there was a father that is there for his kids and the mother is the one telling lies so they don’t have to see their children I look at things everyday about deadbeat fathers but everyday where I live I see a lot of deadbeat mothers and there’s a lot of them nowadays they don’t give very much media coverage because people would rather talk about deadbeat fathers but when you have a mother that says I can’t take the kids when I was supposed to because it turns out I have a warrant for my arrest and I have to go to jail but she never goes to jail ot she says she has to work a double shift but doesn’t even have a job. I don’t want to belittle your cause but I can say that in my opinion instead of this article being about fathers that don’t see their kids it should just flat-out be parents that don’t see their kids because in this day and age deadbeat mothers are just as prevalent as deadbeat fathers and it’s time for the people to notice then it is going on.

    1. I 1000% agree with you. Everyone is quick to bash fathers, but no one ever talks abut the conniving, scheming, manipulating, lying, bullying, irrational, crazy baby mamas that go to extraordinary lengths to completely ruin the father’s life especially when he has moved on and has a serious relationship or is married. These type of mothers will use any despicable, creepy and even dangerous tactic to try to destroy the peace and happiness of the father. In the process she will also destroy the happiness of her child all while killing opportunities for the poor kid. This is another reason why so many men throw in the towel with visitation especially if they are non-custodial and just completely give up because these type of fathers are so fed up with the abuse and have the right to be free from misery. These type of mothers think that they can boss around and control their ex for the rest of his life just because they had a kid together. This type of behavior is wrong and if I was a MAN/FATHER, I would not exercise visitation either under those abusive circumstances. Some mothers need to be taught a lesson and start treating fathers like FATHERS instead of treating them like a welfare check and some piece of crap they can kick around for 18yrs.

      1. This article is about fathers not mothers, if you want to read about mothers who are bad co parents I suggest finding a blog or article about that instead of complaining here about it. That’s like going onto a site for a recipe for spaghetti and complaining that it’s not macaroni.

  92. robinson.buckler @ yahoo . com who lives in (UNITED STATE) did a love spell for me about 3 days ago and the results came like miracle……….

  93. Seriously people. First let me tell you that I was a step child, I am a step parent, and I do have children from a previous marriage.
    I am proud to say that I do NOT get child support for my children because my parents raised a strong independent woman who can support my children on my own. I do not ask their dad for money because to put it simply I wouldn’t get it. He only works occasionally as it is and if I were to ever ask for money he assures me he would promptly quit his job. However, some people need child support and that is fine, but no need to bend the other parent over to the point that they them selves can’t live. My kids dad usually asks me the custodial parent for money to “feed” or “transport” the for his visitation. Nope, he never takes the kids for his time if he has to work because hello, why worry about day care when they can just be at their moms. For this reason he has never taken his summer “visitation”, but still acts like I’m killing him if I ask him to watch the kids for a few hours twice a week. Again, I do work 60 hours a week to support our children.
    Now as a step parent. We have joint custody of my step children with each of us getting 50/50 time. You got it, we have them half the time, pay for all their insurances, ect, and still pay child support. Heck we even paid for years of day care that they never even went to. That’s ok. Could we hire a lawyer and fight it? Of course we could, but the truth is I’ll pay it to their mom because the peace vs war is priceless. Do I like her? Not at all. I hate how she parents or lack of it I should say, but that doesn’t matter. Of all the issues that co parenting brings money is not the battle I choose to stress over.
    Stop blaming the new girlfriend/wife. She doesn’t have the power you give her credit for. She can’t actually stop him from being a decent parent. He is making that choice. Try your best to see the value that that extra set of hands can bring to the table. EX….someone to help with HW, and sick children. Odds are if you make her feel like she has an important role she will actually start acting like she does have one. No kid has ever been damaged by having to many loving parents. Your ego may, but your child won’t suffer from it. After all you did say it’s about how your kids feel right.
    My husbands ex was being completely irrational over money insisting that the $2,000 a month in child support she got for having the kids half of the time wasn’t possibly enough to support them. That of course seemed nuts to me ( I have twice as many kids and don’t get child support from their dad ). I found out accidentally in a conversation that she and I had months later that the reason was because my kids had expensive shoes. I think that’s when I actually learned that things aren’t always like they seem. All she wanted was me to buy them name brand shoes? Had she just told me that she felt my kids had better shoes then hers we could have saved a lot of trouble and hurt feelings. I assumed that they liked the nikes she had bought them, I had no idea that they had “shox” envy. Best part, I am an amazing shopper and could buy the shoes they wanted for less then she paid for what they previously got. So for about four hundred bucks a year we have saved thousands in court fees, and have gained a better understanding, and even empathy for each other.
    Co parenting sucks, but being co parented sucks more. I can’t even explain to you the amount of trauma that my parents and step parents caused me growing up by constantly fighting over everything in my life. I refuse to ever put my children or step children through.
    My advice. . . .always always be the bigger person. When you feel the rage coming on STOP because it’s not about you. Save your energy for the battles that really matter in the long term perspective. You can’t force the other parent to be rational, but your life will be a lot more peaceful if you quit trying to. It’s horrible to see your children hurting, but you can only be the best parent you can be, and you don’t want them to grow remembering that you were always fighting the other parent because it could translate to the dead beat getting their sympathy. They might actually think that parent didn’t come around more because your b***ching chased them away. Hang in there. They will grow up some day to be people you are proud to have raised, and you will know that you get all the credit for it, at least from them.

  94. looking for information . My wife has left me with 3 kids one with autism . Each day is a struggle. Not much information on women leaving their kids.

  95. To make this short and sweet
    . I met a guy who just got out of a 9 year relationship with his ex which they hv 3 kids together 3,5,8 … within 2 months of us being bf/gf we decided to hv a child (my first at 29yo.) (His 4th at 27yo.) .. he treated me like i was everything to him . He cheated on me a couple times with the ex and lied about things and was sneaky .. but he begged cried and pleaded with me to not leave him and he apologized .. plus i was preggo so i stayed , and he seemed to reallu be in love .. was super clingy .. after 4 months of being bf bf/gf he proposed with a beautiful ring and we got engaged .. 4 months later we got married .. we finally moved In together (I didn’t want to shack and we wasn’t married) so we tried to do things the right way and wait til marriage to move in .. we had our child a month later and he started to change .. he was only caring about his other children . Not spending anytime with our newborn especially when his kids was over which was every Wednesday,Thursday and Friday , and every other weekend.. his ex ended up putn him on child support , the kids was on Medicaid too .. he went to court when our newborn was almost 1 month old .. long story short alil after that he left me and the newborn .. i was on maternity leave only making 60% of my check .. and I had to pay all the bills and care for our daughter on my own .. he hasn’t given me any money , lied and told people I won’t let him see our child unless he comes back home , and lied on me saying I wasn’t being faithful to him .. On my life I hv never cheated on this man ever ! I fear God way too much .. he has to be lie’n on me to justify his actions smh . And to make his self look good by leaving me after 3 1/2 months of marriage and our newborn being 1 month ..he ended up going back to his ex .. the one he has the 3kids by .. he told me he doesnt want me anymore .. he does not call or check on our newborn at all but lies on Me and tells people I don’t text him bak or answer hiscalls .. he is a fukn liar .. I don’t see how someone could do an innocent child like that .. he takes care of his others .. and then y would he leave me ? I did nothing to him .. I introduced him to real , a good life .. he was use to the struggling life .. I’ve texted him and told him ok do me however but don’t do ur newborn like this she is a innocent soul .. his family never really liked me because they was still use to the other babymams and didn’t agree with him moving on . So u know when he lied on me for his reasons of leaving and y he hasn’t seen our newborn they was eating that up .. and was routing for him to leave and get back with his ex who he never married after 3 kids and 9 years togther . But he married me after 7 months of knowing each other … I’m a strong women..when I caught his truck at his babymama house at 1am I could hv slashed his tires , knocked on the door and made a scene or anything .. instead I took pix of his truck as evidence that I knew where he was (which was 80miles from where we lived) .. I know God’s revenge is bigger than anything I could do to him or his family .. plus i would also be held accountable for my actions .. it’sall in Gods hands .. I know hewill pay big time from God for leaving his family (me his wife and newborn), because he knows what God told him he needed to do and how to be as a man of God and husband .. so I know God will get him on that .. but for him to not call text nor check on his newborn and not send anything for her or send money for her is crazy to me and he knows I don’t make enuff right now but he taking care of another household smh .. I haven’t talked to him in 2 weeks and I’m not calling . I can honestly take care of her on my own because with God right now and my family I’m making way .. and When I go back to work off maternity leave I’ll definitely be striaght to take care of everything . But he needs to take care of this child .I want to put him on child support but then i only want him to hv supervised visitationx bc he is bipolar (wasn’t diagnosed but I know he is) he cusses alot and is very verbally abusesive .. he wasn’t an active parent with our newborn .. he never woke up with her at night (he couldn’t hear her anyways he said) , he changed her pamper once , feed her once and may be altogthr spent 2hours with her , and we was living togther smh .. plus now he hasn’t seen her in a month in a half and doesn’t ask to see her nor check on her .. I don’t trust him with her alone .. one part of me wants her to know her father but the other part doesn’t want her to be hurt .. she is a happy baby and has so much love from people and she doesn’t want or need for anything .. she is well taken care of and has alot of father figures in my family … I don’t want him around if he doesn’t want to be around her .. no one is forcing him . But he will support her financially if I decide to put him on child support .. we don’t need his sorry ass really . I want him to gone file for divorce if that’s what he wants to do .. because I haven’t been taking to no other man because I’m still married . I take that serious and I told God he is in control .. I don’t want my husband back but if God puts us back togther then I hv to follow God’s will .. but he would need to come bak a completely restored man .. IDK what is wrong with him . This is all random but I know God knows y .. so all I can do is pray and takecare of my beautiful healthy newborn .. what are y’all thoughts?

  96. I have two boys. 4 and 2. Their mother left us back in febuary. Its been 6 months of nonstop lies and disasters she has created. But the worst one is saying i refuse her to see yer children. After we make plans for her to visit. And she cancels 2 hours after. For my case i really am not sure. I was an emotional reck. Im staying with my parents with my boys. But i feel stuck in a rut. I cant control her. But im not sure how to live anymore

    1. I think that is awful Fred, it must be so difficult for you dealing with your two boys who must miss their mother, and made even more difficult with her behaviour. i hope evething settles down for you, it’s good you are with your parents , perhaps keeping a record of what she does would be a good thing. You also have your parents as witnesses to it. If she isn’t turning up when she is supposed to maybe it would be a good thing not to say anything about her pending visit. My ex is intermittently in our daughters life and I see how it affects her for the days after he just pops in. It so difficult , I know she wants to see her Daddy but he doesn’t take in to consideration her needs. I want to stop the random visits because of its impact on her, but I am torn and feel I am allowing him to upset her. Good luck and I hope it evens out.

  97. My daughters, 10 and 15, are becoming less and less interested in a relationship with their father. I’ve tried to salvage it, but his choices are impossible to defend. We were married 15 years. He met another woman and wanted a divorce. We agreed to split our assets 50-50 and even though I had been a stay at home mom I did not pursue spousal support. He chose standard visitation of 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends only, one night a week for dinner, and basic child support required by law. He did not want the daily responsibility an equal split would require of him. I get child support accordingly and spend it all on supporting my girls. I budget and track that his child support does not pay for me. He refused to agree to any extra for school activities/college. Things started out fine, except he canceled visitations often. A year later, he is now picking the children up for most visits but him and his wife stay in their bedroom for most of the weekend. The children are not allowed to eat without permission, but the adults don’t get out of bed until afternoon, so I send snacks with them. Their father tells them he can’t afford basic necessities they ask him for, such as soap. They pack for his house like it’s a hotel, not another home. The girls say they don’t feel welcome or wanted. Him and his wife do not respond to my attempts at communication. I follow the divorce decree to the letter to avoid issues. He cancels most weeknight dinner visits saying it’s not enough time to get them and he can’t afford eating out. He’s stopped paying 50% of medical bills now too. At first I felt concerned money was an issue. I thought, if he’s so broke why doesn’t he tell the attorney general that he can’t afford the child support and get it reduced. However, they recently told the girls they are building a million dollar custom home and showed them the architectural plans. Talk about a slap in the face. The girls are clearly aware of his money excuses not matching such an extravagant purchase. It’s hurtful and there’s no excuses, not he’s insecure, not he’s angry he isn’t a more involved parent, nothing. He doesn’t have a terrible ex-wife harassing him or turning his kids against him so he has to run and hide. He’s just an asshole. A self-centered, middle age, jerk who prioritizes his new wife’s wishes over his children. And they’re on to him all by themselves. So the part about wanting the wallet, but wishing he would go away is true. I use his child support to care for them, but I wish our daughters didn’t have to see the person their father has become.

    1. This sounds so sad, I’m sorry for all of you. Ultimately, we cannot control our kids’ dads, or protect our children from that pain. All you can do is build a great life of your own, earn your own money, let your kids understand that money does not buy happiness, but self-made success pretty much does.

  98. As a father who is dealing with the psycho ex, 17 hearings, 2 trials, 1 contempt trial, 57 motions and $400,000 in legal fees… That’s all her I have only responded never filed a single motion representing myself in court because I can’t afford to maintain my home pay child support and feed and cloth our son when he is with me and fight in court. I moved 1500 miles from Arkansas to be here in SO Cal where the cost of living is 10 times higher then back home. I pay $800 a month just for a studio. I don’t have a car at the moment and have to take the bus to see our son on my weekends. His mother provides none of the transportation.

    Now what amazes me about all of this is she is constantly telling me that I am a lousy father and that I need to just pay my child support and leave. I started out with 2 hours a week seeing our son after I was the primary caretaker and stay at home parent. I have since that time fought my way to 1st and 3rd weekends and 8 hours every other Christmas Eve.

    But despite her constant emotional abuse and harassment I stay here for our son. I know it would destroy him if I wasn’t here. And yes it pisses me off every time I hear some idiot sperm donor talk about how he never has anything to do with his kids.

    I just wanted to thank you for acknowledging that some of us dads do have a hard time with the ex. Your report was very enlightened and educated refreshing compared to the typical dead beat dad beat men up stuff that normally gets put out there.

    1. I’m sorry your circumstances are so challenging, and I really am glad to hear from a dad who is being a dad despite a difficult co-parent. Thank you for sharing here.

  99. Hello everyone, “robinson.buckler@ yahoo. com” helped me out when i thought my life is lost don’t know where its going……… It all started when the father of my two kids left me and sworn never to have anything to do with me and all effort to get him back prove to be abortive and i decided to let things be the way they are cause i felt my life is lost don’t know where its going. But Priest Andrew came into the picture and things turned out to be how i have ever wanted it to be……….I will forever be grateful to him for the rest of my life, Am so happy!!!!!!!!!!

  100. I think that a child deserves a relationship with both parents, but when one parent wants that relationship on their terms only it has become not about the child but them. I’m a single, unmarried mom of a now 14 month old. I work full time plus some. I’ve been solely responsible for my son since day one with regards to insurance, diapers, housing, daycare, etc. It has been a completely disastrous financial struggle for myself with no help from his father. I have consulted an attorney regarding child support but bc my ex works under the table & gets paid I cash….and I have undeniable income I would end up paying him. Wow right??? So I never pushed the issue & went about my life. After not hearing from my sons father for almost 6 months, around the end of April I hear from his new live-in girlfriend telling me that she is a part of my sons life & they will see him on a certain date. I was taken aback & did respond cordially & formally that she would meet my son on my terms, not hers & that this was an issue for me & my sons father to discuss. Fast forward to a visit I allowed my son to have with his father, keep in mind we are talking about an 11 month old baby at the time & I arrive & not only is the live in girlfriend there at his parents house….they (my sons father & his parents) were appalled that I would object to someone they have known a month spend the night with my son, let alone my ex & I & this girl had all spoke about meeting my son. Long story short they had me arrested for trespassing & simple assault after I slapped his dad for being an ass during the pick up & im now in an uphill battle to keep my son. Don’t let these deadbeat dads push you to the edge ladies!!!!

  101. It’s women who initiate the vast number of divorces for cash and prizes ripping the family apart in the process. I never wanted a divorce and fought hard for a couple of years trying just about everything. She never lifted a finger or even cared. She was in a position to get everything after I worked for many years to build our family nest egg to a sizable level. We had a dream life with wonderful kids. No abuse. She started flirting on social media, getting back in touch with past classmates. One thing led to the another and she was suddenly dealing with several different guy “friends”. Told me she wasnt in love anymore and staying just for the kids. That was it. Out the door I went. She tried for 2 years after that to use the kids in every way possible to manipluate me. I finally told her I was done talking with her forever as I was sick and tired of being used and drained further after a gut wretching divorce which I am still trying to recover from. It is truly awful. If I had known that the aftermath of a divorce would be so awful I truly would never have married or had kids. It wasnt worth it. Divorce is devasting. And I’m sorry. In this day and age women can’t be trust.

    I advise all men to never marry and go MGTOW. Protect yourself. Sadly many men’s stories are similar to mine. I’ve talked with literally hundreds of guys around the world. The stories are amazing. We were good husbands and good fathers. It is a tradgedy all the way around expecially for the kids. We didnt want it this way. It was forced upon us.

  102. All these haggles back and forth of fathers, in pain and mothers, feeling justified in what they do. My only question is, If roles/positions were switched right from the beginning of the divorce and every single attitude, behavior, action done from one parent to the other, is switched around, will those, especially the mothers, like to be treated exactly the same way they have treated the fathers? Would they be happy? If the children were taken away, their paychecks garnished, now made a visitor to your own children, badmouthed, alienated, efforts to be a parent blocked/frustrated, never see them again, missed every holiday, birthday, school day..Would they feel resentment, brokenness, anger at the other parent?

    Of course yes,…. That should tell you who and what kind of humanoid you are.

    1. Amen. It’s humilating to have to come and see my kids in the house I paid for which was ripped away from me by my ex together with all my accounts, car and possessions. It’s such a thrill to go over there to visit them. Hey maybe I will even get to see the new guy she cheated on me with. NOT!

  103. Hahahahahaha!! None of you “women” deserve a decent man!! The reason most dads don’t see their kids is because of spiteful vindictive child abusing mothers… Parental Alienation IS CHILD ABUSE!! Women who don’t allow the father to see their kids (89% of separated mothers) DONT DESERVE THE NEXT MAN THEY TRY TO EXPLOIT TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING!! Y’all are just grave digging Black Widows!! Then you wonder why your child has abandonment issues, feelings of rejection and low sense of self worth… It’s a good thing courts are starting to jail vile blood sucking scum like yourselves for child abuse then awarding custody to the alienated fathers lol you all deserve it, you cut off half your child’s family tree. That is fathers, grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins. If you abuse your child in this way, you obviously really hate the man who was one day good enough to have kids with, now with your post natal depression, not only do you think it’s ok to murder your baby (when a baby is murdered by a parent 71% of the time it was the mother who committed the murder) but you obviously think it’s ok for you to commit spousal abuse as well by denying access -you might get away with that one too just like you get away with murdering your baby…But you won’t get away with abusing your child much longer (haha) more and more countries are jailing the alienators…Time for some of that feminist “equality” to work against you…as a woman’s idea of “equality” is “special treatment for me” …If you women actually fought for equality you would fight for equal prison sentencing for women (instead of getting a sixteenth of the prison sentence a man gets FOR THE EXACT SAME CRIME) …Ha! You self entitled women are truly unbelievable and incredible…how about: #MakeLawsGenderNeutral #EqualPrisonSentencingForWomen #JailFalseAccusers #NotYourRight #EndFemalePrivilege #EndSexism #FeminismIsSexism #EndFeminism #HumanRightsNotWomensRights #Misandry #MGTOW #21fathers #MaleLivesMatter #MenArePeopleToo

    1. I’m sorry about your experience, it’s obvious that you are so very angry about it. Not all women are like the one(s) who have left you this angry. People seem to forget it is the children who end up the victims in all of this.

  104. Why not address the issue of men who are alienated and not provided an opportunity to equally be involved in the child’s life?
    The court system doesn’t provide for the dad’s who want to be highly involved equitably included.
    30% court mandated visitation isn’t parenting a child.
    I cant speak for the men who don’t want inclusion, but what about equality for those of us that do?

  105. Maybe it’s not the man. maybe it’s the nagging women. See, men know if they come and see there kid, odds are they have to see their lame A** Ex as well. And she’ll most likely talk about problems and concerns. I.e Well why aren’t you paying child support? Your not sending enough child support? I need you to do this? I need you to do that? You are coward for running off and leaving us! Etc,. Also what about the family courts there are only in the benefit of making money and not actually helping families and fathers have a equal right in the matter? ( It needs reform)!

  106. My ex and I finally separated after 27 years and four children, HE moved out because I still had hope that he would seek professional advice for his emotional detachment. This was difficult for me to accept as even though it was hard I believed him to be a stronger peson than to just walk away. There wasn’t anyone involved in the separation. And as far as I know it is still that way.

    However, he does not make time to see our daughter who is 2 and a half. He’s too busy, tired etc etc etc, but not too tired to go away for the weekend or a few days abroad, or just sit a watch tv for an evening. He has turned up 8pm/ 9pm AFTER his ritual evening sauna because he ‘needed’ to see her. I’ve tired to maintain a civil relationship with him but he tries my patience and is rude and offensive towards me. He doesn’t answer calls, which aren’t very many, or reply to the odd text regarding our other children. He does not communicate with our twenty year old who still lives with me. My daughter adores her daddy, she wakes up at night calling him and misses him dreadfully. She is very bright and loving but I see his time with her as he is addressing his needs and not hers.

    I truly feel sorry for the fathers who cannot see their children and cannot imagine what it must be like for them. But this guy…….as my mother says ….. should be shot with a ball of his own s…t. I just don’t get it, we are over, I accept that, but to behave in a way that damages your child’s right to form secure attachments is so bloody wrong.

  107. Seems like a pretty jaded opinion everyone has… how about from a man’s point of view?

    I was kicked out of the home by the woman who was cheating.. she seemed to enjoy slutting it up with just about any guy that came near her. I gave her everything – walked away from the home, and all belongings but that wasn’t good enough. Half… she ended up also with half my paychecks. Child support isn’t just “10% of a paycheck”, those deductions are before taxes so you get hit twice as hard.

    Then the court costs… I spent over $15k initially since she wanted even more than half. Every time she lied about something to keep me from seeing the kids, it was an easy $1k or more wasted to defend the lies.

    Currently, I’m about $35k wasted on trying to see the kids, trying to see them – hell, she won’t even let them call me, nor does she encourage them to call me. She bans them from facebook (under their real names, I’ve managed to find them under fake names) so I’m not in touch with them. Gifts always “go missing/lost in the mail” (even though successfully delivered).

    So, I’ve pretty much given up on the attempt to see the kids… is it a self worth issue – not one bit. It’s where I’ve had to draw the line between me moving on and enjoying the rest of my life vs throwing every ounce of energy and resources (including financial) into fighting this greedy ignorant woman.

    Your article is pretty jaded and one sided. Do some research with the fathers that have had their children taken away all for the purpose of the women getting a free paycheck.

  108. All I see is bitter comments from bitter women.
    You should be questioning your selves for sleeping with that man.

    Not all men are the same, I got a girl pregnant and didn’t know. She then cheated on me and started a relationship with that guy.

    I contacted he plenty of times asking if the child could possibly be mine. She always said no it was the other guys.

    Well after he got put in a federal prison for seventeen years, it was a different story. She then had a different side and story. She wanted me in the kids life.

    Unfortunately, I moved on and got over the hurt of never seeing my kid before the guy she wanted in her life screwed up and got locked away in jail.

    So when the other guy got sentenced to 17 years, my kid was already a year and half old. I have no feeling towards the kid what so ever because I wasn’t their when it mattered and I personally don’t ever want to be there.

    Does me not wanting to be in my kids life make me a bad person? No, it makes me someone that moved on from a situation I never wanted part of. Even though I tried before the kid was born, the mother to this day cannot understand why I don’t want to be in the kids life, it has done nothing but make her a bitter and bad mother.

    Yes I feel bad about some situations women are in because they truly did get hurt by a bad guy. Except holding on to your bitterness about how he treated you and your kid or kids will never fix anything and quite frankly makes you a bad mother for not showing your kid or kids the mature way to move on and make your life better.

    Some women quite frankly use the system to try and have power over a guy they lost. If women really wanted the man in the kids life, try not making him a slave to the system and treating him like human. The man is no longer in your life, there for you have no say or control what he does in his or his kids life.

    I am a absent father of my child and I will never be in her life. Quite frankly I’m not a dead beat father, I pay my child support, that’s my part, if women or the mother of my child can’t accept that then maybe they should have petite red them selves from having hose kids with that boy or man.

  109. I’ve got a situation for anyone who cares to give some perspective or insight. When my ex left me, I moved back near family a couple hours away (I understand I created some distance here), and my ex agreed to the move and took every other weekend, half of holidays, etc. At first he would do 1 overnight instead of 2 when my daughter was young then the mother of his first child complained (I guess he cut back time with his first too) and he started taking her for both nights.

    He’s been pretty religious about taking her every other weekend, occasionally he will try to cancel Fri at the last minute and want me to change my plans around to accomodate taking her halfway Saturday instead and I tell him he needs to be a parent and find a sitter then (if he didn’t request it last minute it would be a diff story).

    Anyhow, recently we worked out holiday time and he was going to pass on thanksgiving time at all again (he did this last year also) and I had to talk him into taking thanksgiving at all (he’s taking 2 nights, I’m taking 2 nights). Then a couple weeks ago he complained that daughter wasn’t calling him anymore (she’s 2), and I told him: she wasn’t asking for it, he wasn’t asking for it, why doesn’t he set it up to call her if he wants to talk? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a grown man to own his own relationship with his daughter. But anyhow he pretty much ignored and come the day after my weekend when I usually had her call him, still no attempts at a call, so I had her call him before bed. No answer. I don’t get his deal. Daughter seems a lower priority than a few other things in his life, he seems uninterested in time with her, but then he makes a complaint, and I come through (and have her call him) and then doesn’t answer. What’s the point of that? Is that a broken person like your article said or am I missing something?

  110. Sometimes a restraining is necessary like in cases of violence, stalking, sexual assault etc. Most judges do not arbitrarily hand out restraining orders with out any evidence of the above mentioned occurances. She still allowed to be upset with her ex as to why he created the environment that prevents him from being around his children.

    1. Evidence is saying he did it. Boom! Restaining order! Ask me how I know. Sadness is seeing her charged with filing malicious charges while sitting on the witness stand and not even getting so much as a fine.

  111. My son’s father sucks and I honestly don’t care that he doesnt spend much time with his son. I’m so tired of hearing “I don’t want another man around my son”. He disrespects my boyfriend terribly. He’s so worried about someone else being around his child and the fact that I’m with someone new. He doesn’t even give me the child support payments like he’s supposed to. I’m trying not to get it court ordered. He comes to my job tryingto start trouble (my boyfriend works there too). I feel like this is gonna be my life forever. He comes in my househouse without invitation and doesn’t want to leave. That’s why I hate when he comes to my door. I think I need a restraining order. Banding on my door in the middle of the night. I can’t take it anymore.

  112. Interesting reading! Heartbreaking comments here. I’m convinced that one day it will be illegal for a man to fail to give his time to his children just as it is now illegal (here in the UK at least) for him to fail to pay maintenance for those children. Currently, we just accept that a man will often break contact and not be involved with his children after he and the mother break up. We just accept it! I receive no money from my ex (he doesn’t earn enough) and I pay all my own bills by working from home through the night after my little one is in bed and on a couple of mornings when she’s in nursery. I look after her pretty much full time All th rest of my time. Meanwhile her father is free to work full time and do whatever he likes in the evenings and at weekends. He lives in the NEXT STREET from us! How is this right? I’m not wasting my energy to pursue him but my heart is breakng for my daughter.

    1. As you can tell, I couldn’t give a fxxx about sympathising with the fact that the father might be a broken man, with low self esteem issues. Grow some balls and step up,to your responsibilities! There is no excuse for failing to be involved in your children’s lives and failing to co-parent.

  113. I want to share my testimony and my happiness with you all in this site, last year my husband left me for another woman in his working place and he abandon me and my 2kids, everything was so hard for me because i love him so much, so i saw the testimonies of Great Mutaba he has been helping ladies in getting there husband back so i contacted him and he help me to cast a return spell for my husband and in 2 days my husband left the other woman and he come back to me with so much love and caring. i will never forget this help that Great Mutaba gave to me and my children.if you are here you need help to get you lover back you can contact him through this email greatmutaba@yahoo . com i am proud to be on his testimony…..

  114. What about when it is the mother. She has a new boyfriend but is in a tight spot, or sick, or can’t get better working schedule. I am the 11 year old child’s dad’s girlfriend who lives and has taken care of h I’m since he was 7. Everytime he sees her he comeshome crying and upset and lists her excuses. (Which he believes every word she says). We never say anything negative about her to him but it makes me so livid. His father had a widow maker heart attack Jan of 2016 . We are in a tight spot but take care of him everyday. We ask her for nothing but to see him. She pays nothing. Provides no transportation when she does agree to see him and part of the b time provide food for him when he is there. My kids are grown and raised them mostly alone and had back surgery ect ect but still took care of my kids. I do not understand and not sure what to do anymore. I am so over watching his heart getting broken repeatedly.

  115. I’ve read many of these posts and I get the feeling that every situation is different. But I do see some truth in Emma’s post about low self worth being a factor in not seeing the kids sometimes for myself. I’m up late at night wrestling with this issue and I don’t see a situation like the one I’m in so here’s a slightly different perspective. I’m a Dad of a five year old boy, I was never married to his mother, we dated briefly and she got pregnant. She didn’t want to try to make it work with me despite the fact that I was willing. In fact she wanted me to disappear and blamed me for ruining her life in many different ways by getting her pregnant, her body would be ruined, she will lose wages and position in her career, and no man will want her. Her entire pregnancy passed refusing to see me despite my best efforts. She expressed that she was going to raise the child alone and didn’t want or need any help from me. Yes she is a “strong” independent career woman. However, she agreed to see me a couple weeks before she was due and told me she was expecting a boy and his name would be “boy”. Then I got a call saying that the child was born and I could see him in a week if I wanted, this was four days after he was born. Over the course of the pregnancy I wrestled with the idea of not being in the child’s life. At the same time I investigated legal options to be a part of the child’s life if she was going to contest it. This was a stressful time. I decided to go see him. It took a lot of courage but I went to see him, and continued to see him at her house twice a week for the first two years. It was very difficult at first as she was very cold but I went out of my way to be helpful around her house and spend quality time with the boy and make the best of the situation. The child and I have built as close to a normal father son relationship that is possible under the circumstances. I have sent more than the guideline child support never missing a month, without a legal agreement or even being asked, or having it acknowledged by her. I always hoped that his mom and I would get together and we would be a happy family because that was the only happy outcome I could imagine, and for a short period we were trying to make it work, I think only because I was so nice she felt obligated. But it was not to be. There was too many trust issues and I won’t get in to the lies and deception too much, but I did find out she was with somebody else while she was pregnant and the first 2 years of the boys life. I should have seen that! (He looks exactly like me so I don’t question if I’m the father.) A few months after my illusion of having a normal family was gone she started dating another person and that is when my struggles started again. I found it difficult to separate my anger with her, from my relationship with my son. I missed a few visits here and there, and the visits I had with him were strained. I know this was not fair to him but I couldn’t control it and fake a happy attitude all the time. Over the past year I’ve struggled with this and missed some more visits periodically and actually contemplated not seeing my son any more since she recently moved in with this other man and his kids. We were never really together but I had enough of a relationship with her that I felt a part of my sons entire life for the first 3 years of his life. Since she’s completely moved on she says that if I want to know something then I can ask and she will answer but she is not going to make any special effort to talk to me because she has a busy life. This is very hard for me because I live 1.5 hours drive away and only see him once a week. I miss him so much all week and the visit is too short. It’s a painful weekly cycle and I know I can’t cut off contact with him but it seems like a way out of the pain sometimes and if I’m struggling I want to spare him my frustration. I’ve never dated anyone else since he was born because I’ve been afraid of being pulled away from him. So yes it is about self worth in a big way in my case because I feel worthless sometimes. Even though she has always been accommodating about seeing him and doesn’t directly cause me any grief, everything else she does says I don’t have any value. I know I shouldn’t count on this from her, I should just look at my sons face and listen to positive words from my friends and family. But I often think that if she made an effort to talk to me about our sons life and included me in decisions a little bit I could be a better father. I hope I will never break contact with him, but it is difficult, especially when I’ve always been a fringe player in his life. I know it will get easier to contact him directly as he gets older, and if I can move to his city I can be a bigger part of his life. I’m even starting to think that I should move on to another relationship with the right person, as long as they don’t try to take me away from my son.

  116. Boy, what I would of done to have had a wife that didn’t want to engage in trafficking my children to their new boyfriend and out of my life. Yes, 2 divorces…my children have been kept from me every time including a separation midway of the 2nd marriage. Lawyers said I couldn’t win every time I was faced with this denial of access to my children. I was discouraged to seek a meaningful relationship. That’s what it is when a lawyer tells you that. One of them is a judge now. I’m one of the lucky few. I survived the malicious domestic violence charges x2 (one each ex)…I survived being made homeless…I survived social service investigations. I survived a society that discouraged my involvement with my children and made it very clear that all they were interested in is my money. I’m lucky in that the truth came out…many are not that fortunate but all are discouraged from day one. I saw 1st hand the benefits of my children maintaining meaningful relationships with both parents. The oldest daughter is a senior in college and lives with me. The youngest daughter is a senior in high school and enjoys both her parents equally.

  117. Seriously, a bunch of hens in here. Yep I said it. Let’s talk about some perspective shall we? Would love to see that paradigm shift where the kids would stay with the man automatically without some major fight, and the woman could be relegated to two weekends a month, and a check. Grow some tits, would ya. Yea, if a man ghosts, don’t blame him. Everything will be fine for the kids, the mom. Life goes on.

  118. Sorry. Alot of women are such jealous and vindictive creatures. My husbands ex wife is sooooo difficult since him and I met after their divorce. She makes every time we have to pick him up so difficult, for instance…she wants us to drive to her house hours away, because she wants several weeks notice or else she has “plans” otherwise. She always has something to “talk about” even when things are fine. Every time things are not going well in her life or stalks my FB page, she is emailing him about non sense (he cut her off bc of her psychotic behavior from talking to him directly about their son). If not, she is taking him to court to get more,ones or make his life difficult, one of the two. I am so sick of it all.

    1. That’s what he tells you. It’s the same pattern of behaviour with men she was probably abandoned by him. He’s then met you and obviously not going to tell you the truth! Always 2 sides to a story he was probably no angel but your love struck ATM with him I hope he doesn’t go on to do the same to you one day. As for him and his child with her this is now none of your business, their child together their business.

  119. I wish my husband would see our daughter. I really have kept a very amicable relationship with him, but he always has some reason to not talk to us or see us. Really it’s the reason the divorce was filed to begin with. There is no new boyfriend, I allow him to stay with us when he visits as he lives far away. I wish I knew how to make him want to be her father.

  120. As a friend to a single dad, I watched him have to have the awful realization about many father’s he had hoped to help when he started his support group for fathers going through a divorce involving child custody. He thought he could show them how to protect their rights and understand what it took to get shared or sole custody of their kids. What he learned was most didn’t even file for joint custody let alone sole custody. They would use the excuse that it wouldn’t matter if they tried for it when, really, they didn’t actually want the responsibility of caring for kids. How could they get out and find a new woman if they had kids to look after? What they hoped he could show them was how to get around paying child support. So many just buy into the evil ex wife and unfair courts narrate because it’s easy. The new GF of course wants to believe the guy blameless, isn’t hearing the full story, and often doesn’t really want the kids around either.
    We need more father’s who don’t see child care as an emasculating burden.

  121. I admit I went for sole custody, mostly because my son has non-verbal autism and can’t be shifted around from house to house constantly. He can’t take it. My ex-husband readily agreed to it. I suspect his girlfriend doesn’t want the responsibility. My son is difficult at times. The ex chooses not to use visitation at all. It miffs me because I’d like a break now and then. I’ve made peace with never having a romantic relationship again. That’s impossible when you have a child with special needs. No one wants broken, old, fat, ugly, and damaged goods, but I’d like to be able to go out and see a movie once in a while.

    Such is life. One day it will be over and I’ll finally be rid of this misery.

      1. That is not how life works. I appreciate you have a brand to uphold and an image that goes along with it, but you are doing a disservice by making proclamations like that. I do not know anyone in my situation who has ever found love again. Have a child with special needs makes you unmarketable to all but the worst sorts of leeches, abusers, and scum. I will not expose my child to that.

        Do not give people false hope. It’s morally wrong.

          1. Eh, not really. I’m not a professional. I’m a cashier at a freaking Walmart. I do have a BA, but I’ve been unable to get anything with it, so no career to speak of really. I’m not the type your group caters to. I’m poor, live hand to mouth and don’t have much to show for life.

            I’m sure this kind of group suits women who have more connections, skills, etc, but that’s not me. I don’t have anything to bring to the table, but thanks for the thought. I’d rather not be fodder for your internet discussions, though.

            1. No, it’s for all single moms with positive mindsets- most of those with special-needs kids were positive about dating, and have some great advice. They felt you were understandably burnt out and offered some practical solutions. When you are ready to see another perspective and initiate change, please reach out.

  122. What if the child is the product of a “man trap” wherein the mother got pregnant on purpose to trap her man into marriage? It happens a lot more often than you think and in that case it is very understandable (albeit a bit petty) that the father is not as involved as he should be.

    1. Oh please. I know of someone who uses that narrative to justify their dreadful behaviour, but it simply isn’t true. What is true is he claimed contraception went against his religious beliefs, and then blamed his wife when she got pregnant.

      I’m not saying it never happens, I’m saying that it’s not as widespread as claimed, and in fact in many cases is a continuation of blame shifting for something they are 50% responsible for.

  123. My ex-husband of 16 years would see the children for about 3 hrs every Sunday but he would not take them anywhere. How would bring breakfast and watch movies with him. Now we have discovered that he is married and the entire family hurts. No one knew of this women. He even spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with us and he was a newlywed. His mom, dad, and children did not know. Now that we all know, he wants me to tell him what activities our children have. He wants to
    Know band performances, open house at school, wants to buy school supplies, and has recently asked if he could pay half on summer activities. Our kids are now 17, 16, and 10 and they do not know where he lives and has not spent the night with him since the day he moved out 5 years ago. It makes me worried that something is wrong with him, what are his intentions, and wanting to protect my children from whatever this is.

    1. Legally and morally, he has a right to a relationship and time with his children. I agree he is a weirdo, but that does not preclude his rights as a parent – or your children’s rights to their father. Take it to family court and demand that he have the kids at his home. Sounds like the new wife may not know about them.

      1. Sorry, I disagree. In the U.K., once a parent establishes a pattern of contact, if more was offered at the time but they didn’t take it, then they can’t come back and say they want more at a later date, because this is not in the interests of the child. Essentially the children’s rights and the parents’ responsibility to meet those are more important than the parents rights.

  124. After a 28 year relationship and three kids now 24,18,and 15 and trying for three years to get us back on track, my relationship ended 18 months ago. The children have had everything in their lives, my partner never worked, I paid for everything and have been a loving and involved father beyond the level some of my friends have been and other men I have heard stories about. Yet since the split my children refuse to have anything to do with me, will not even reply to text messages.My ex says it’s their choice and openly supports their actions. The pain has been unbearable and the lack of reasons and refusal of anyone to discuss all of this is insane. My self esteem is high and yet this level of cruelty is what’s killing it now. There are a lot good fathers out their desparate to be involved with their children. I am one of them. To say it’s the man’s fault and cite low self esteem as the ‘ real ‘ reason, is narrow minded, untrue and lacking in any understanding of the kind of emotional blackmail that happens more often than ‘good mothers’, who recognise the need of a father in a childs life , care to know about.

  125. I agree with the above poster. The article is a little biased. I do not doubt that there are a number of men out there who abandon their children and who behave badly. There are others who are forced out of their children’s lives by their mother. I am in that latter group.

    During my lengthy divorce proceedings, my ex-wife tried every dirty trick in the book to get what she wanted. She claimed I was abusive, that she was ‘afraid for her safety’, and tried to get ‘supervised visitation’. None of it worked, because it wasn’t true, and because, as an educated professional I had enough money to spend six figures on an attorney. However, it was still a waste of time and money. Even after the divorce, the games continued. I noticed the child was being tutored on what to say to me (did you ever hear a 7 year old respond ‘I’m not comfortable talking about that’ when asked a question?) and being instructed to call me by my first name and not ‘dad’. I grew tired of making phone calls that weren’t answered, or of being put on hold and the child not coming to the phone & of cancelled visits. I was denied access using Skype, lots of little things, and it was heartbreaking just seeing the child slip away from me little by little.

    In the end I gave up. I was angry and said goodbye and left for 2 years. After I had calmed down, i tried again and contacted the ex. I had hoped she would have calmed down and would be willing to work with me. But no, she is still the same bitter and vengeful baggage that she always was.
    Rather than attempting to discuss things and put things on the right track, she is willing to communicate in writing only. She refuses point blank to let me contact the child. Everything has to go through her.

    I have no interest in the corrupt legal system or enriching the attorneys even more. I have even less interest in continuing to fight with this woman. Life is too short and too precious for that.

    At this point, I’ve resigned myself to having lost my child. As time passes, it’s not as painful as it was. What the ‘system’ fails to recognise is that if a father is stripped of all his parental responsibilities (apart from the oh so important financial one of course), when he is removed totally from the day to day life of the child, when he doesn’t get the chance to help with homework, misses birthday parties because he’s not invited, when he is accused in writing of being a bad parent, a danger, abusive and all manner of lies are told about him, well, eventually the bond gets damaged, and it gets easier and easier to become disengaged, disinterested, distant and eventually, absent.

    Some people will say it would be the noblest thing to carry on fighting regardless. ‘I would do anything for my kids’ they spout. Frankly, I feel that’s very naive and is almost always a view propagated by women. Any father here who has been generously granted a weekend every 2 weeks knows the feeling when you say goodbye. You’re just getting used to having them around, and they are gone. It’s like having a wound that never heals. Like a band-aid being ripped off over and over. The pain never really went away.

    During those days, I used to recall these lines from shakespeare’s King John:

    Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
    Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
    Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
    Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
    Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;

    It is not healthy.

    Logically, I have to balance the damage to myself, my life and mental health, the possibility of the conflict damaging the child, against the damage done by my absence. If the mother won’t cooperate then you’re basically going to have a miserable life (which is what she wants, incidentally) and far too many women nowadays try and use the child as a weapon, in revenge against the father.

    Personally, I refuse to be blackmailed by my better instincts. I refuse to be reduced to the level of a disneyland dad – or a visiting uncle by some judge, attorney, social worker or indeed his mother. I refuse to beg for access, or beg for photographs, or ask permission when I can please take him on vacation. No. They will have no more of me. The ex wanted the child. Let her have what she wanted. One day, I will be able to get in touch without going through her once the child is old enough. Until then, I intend to get on with my life.

  126. I stumbled upon this post but I’m in a bit of a different situation. I’ve been dating a man for 5 months now who has a child from a previous relationship. Although he helps with his child economically he rarely calls her and has only seen her once since we’ve been together. He has a horrible relationship with his ex as she cheated on him while they were together. I side with this post as I feel that the reason he has distanced himself from his child is because he feels that he’s already lost her or he feels that he has nothing to offer her, maybe he’s ashamed of not being there for her more often. I’m not sure what it is but what can I do to encourage him to see her more often and play a more active role on her life. I never had a relationship with my father and I can’t imagine myself with a man who has a child but isn’t an active part of their life. Any advice?

      1. Frankly I don’t agree with the above. He is a grown up, and it is not your role to insist what he should and should not do. The women I have dated and indeed my current wife have all been supportive of my position and have said that it has opened their eyes to the depths that women will stoop to during the process. Frankly, I think you should be wary of opening pandora’s box and trying to interfere, unless you genuinely don’t care about this man.
        Your well-intentioned moves towards improving the situation from your point of view may well alienate him to such an extent that he ends your relationship. I know that I would, if someone tried to take that attitude with me.

  127. I’m a 33 year old single father of two boys 2 and 8 year olds. I recently got full custody of my boys as of 2 weeks ago. My kids mom does not care to be around my boys, doesn’t call for them, buy them anything, and when I call and remind her that she has to beautiful little boys who ask for their mother and miss her she acts like everything is fine.. she’ll talk to them here and there weeks at times. But not care or bother to see them and make up any excuse to visit them. She met a new guy and makes more of an effort to put her all into him, but when I tell her to put that same effort into being a positive mother figure to her boys she makes up any excuse again to make it seem like I make it difficult for her to be a mother… I feel like completely shutting her out and see if she will miss the boys enough to make her at least try to visit them or just live my life alone with the boys and keep making excuses to them that there mother is busy with her work . That one day she’ll have enough time…

    1. Hi Eliazar, I understand your frustration, but please do not shut her out completely. That’s not likely to have a positive effect on either her or your sons. One day when they’re grown they will look back over their childhood, and they will see the effort you made to keep up their relationship with their mother, and they will see the lack of effort on her part. I know it’s frustrating, but if you put the effort in, it will be worth it to them.

  128. Man, I can’t decide if your article is dead-on to my situation or beside it, but the commentary has been quite powerful!
    My husband and I have been together for 14 years and besides him being just an outright asshole to our 4 kids, and me every time I have to intervene, he has no relationship with them, no bond. No surpise, I know. As we are going through this divorce he has said time and again, that if he can’t have me, then he doesn’t want the kids either. It’s a package deal or nothing in his mind. Let’s face it, the kids don’t really want to be around him most of the time anyways, and I don’t feel like it’s safe to leave 4 kids in his care when all he does is scream endlessly about every cough, chew, or sneeze. I just can’t wrap my brain around why someone could ONLY make children with his wife because it seemed like what he was supposed to do, apparently not because he actually wanted children. Not that he ever told me, but that sure seems to be the case here. And now what do I do for them, for myself? He says he wants to sign off his rights, so he can drown himself in a bottle of sorrow and try to forget the last 14 years ever happened. In my state, you can’t just willfully terminate your rights as a parent without some hefty just cause(s). But I am convinced that between there being no bond with his children in the first place and the fact that he’s so verbally/psychologically abusive (although he doesn’t do it on purpose, he has serious issues yet to be determined that cause him to behave this way), perhaps I should just let him try to terminate his rights. If he couldn’t get better in 14 years time with a wife who bent over backwards to try, and had to mediate the whole rest of the time it’s not likely he’ll get better without me pushing him, therfore in their childhood years. I know he will never have good enough self esteem to feel like he is needed by his children, even with his mother and I constantly telling him such. There won’t be a girlfriend to distract, either. He’s the type of guy that will go on the rest of his days regretting lost me and never be able to move on, if he doesn’t take his own life first. How does a mother deal with this? What can I say to him to make him understand? I’ve said everything under the sun, it just doesn’t seem to matter to him. Without me, he has no reason to be a part of their lives, and often times says he has no reason to live at all.

    1. It sounds like you’re having a rough time, and although I don’t agree with the man saying that he has no reason to live, I can understand why he might say that. Men experience divorce in a different way to women – they get to lose access to the wife, kids, often the house and lose many of their friends to boot. The woman typically loses far less of her emotional support network.

      Either way, it’s really not your concern anymore. I believe that you will just have to do your best for the kids. I suggest that you just keep the door open and don’t make it hard for him to see the kids when or if he wants to.

      As for the ‘parental rights’ issue – remember the difference between parental rights and parental obligations.

      Parental obligations such as child support are legally required to be fulfilled. Parental rights such as visitation however, are available to be used, but are optional. Consequently, there is no need for him to ‘terminate’ any parental rights at all – he can merely choose not to exercise those rights if he so wishes, and, frankly, there is nothing that you can do about that.

  129. After being in a 12 year relationship with a true narcissist who was emotionally unavailable and emotionally abusive to his daughter I can say I spent the last 4 years begging and pleading him to simply act like he cared. I even covered for his shortcomings. But once I stopped doing so and ALLOWED my daughter to see who he truly was I was accused of being jealous of his new relationship and hateful. The more accountable he had to be the more he resented my daughter for demanding respect anddd the more he said I was the evil ex. He has justified NOT calling her by saying I influence her to be against him because it’s easier to put it on me vs being responsible for his own actions. For example he was going out of his way to wine and dine his fiancee but wouldn’t so much as buy his daughter a properly gift wrapped Xmas gift. When he brazenly posted pictures online of how well he treated his ex vs how passive and thoughtless he was with his daughter he half way changed only to eventually find a reason to not be in her life period. I have had several conversations with him and seen him several times but he refuses to call our daughter because then he must be accountable for his actions. I have refused to scream and force him to feel bad and now he is running around telling people I am the reason he can’t have a decent relationship with his child. I communicate by text or record all of our phone calls because he will lie and twist things. Its almost as if he inadvertently finds ways to sabotage his relationship with her. Unfortunate

    1. Sorry Nikki, that’s a tough situation. However, from what I’ve seen, the child will figure out the truth eventually. As long as you keep encouraging the relationship with him and his daughter, then one day she will see what you did, and she will know that you loved her. If her father won’t work on the relationship, then she will see that too. And the child is the only one that really matters. Good luck to you.

  130. Hi. I just wanted to chyme in and tell my story, at least in condensed form. How would you feel if you had been playing the role of both parents for your child for 3 yrs (he was 2 when she left and 5 when she returned) only to have the other parent return, throw you under the bus, lying their way into the courts good graces that its all your fault they were absent? I was not believed and i told the truth. She lied and got immediate visitation. I wouldn’t mind coparenting with this woman but the way she came back, making me out to be the bad guy, makes me stressed and it tells me not to trust her at all. Now the court is not going to care unless it’s something against me such as “unfostering” towards her and his relationship. The court threw my precious boy to the wolf and now I’m helpless and he doesn’t know I’m stressed because what’s happened. I have to fake it till i make it i guess. Her being back in his life has just gotten him hooked on video games and acting out now at school…thats all I’m seeing thats come from this. The judge wouldn’t even hear of a “gradual re-introduction.” He had to go last summer to a stranger day after the hearing. I had all holidays taken away for two years for no reason. Now im dreading this summer. Any ideas on how to get through this? I want nothing more than to actually be heard and be allowed to try get myself in the clear regarding keeping her away because I did not. She should be accountable for her lies. We could even continue with visitation as is, as long as our true characters were revealed and I get my holiday time back. It’s like I’ve been expected the follow a false narrative and It’s doing what they must want-eating me up inside.

    1. Hi Harold, I’m sorry you’re going through this, but honestly you need to find a way to let go. The courts don’t care about lies, they don’t care about character. All they care about is running the case through in and out as fast as they can, and making sure they collect their fees on the way. They will never hold her accountable for trashing you. You have to let that go.

      As far as holidays, yeah it sucks to not be with your kid on special days. Be sure you make the most of the days you get to spend with your son, and make your own special days. Kids need both of their parents, even if one parent is broken or inadequate. When they’re grown they will look back and see which parent was there for them, and they’ll see which parent encouraged a relationship with the other parent. They’ll come to their own conclusions, and that’s all that really matters.

  131. Too many mothers feel like they and children are a package deal. They feel like if their husband left them, that means he left the children as well. But the mother and the child are NOT the same person, no matter how much they might feel it. Most fathers NEVER let go of their children emotionally. Even when the pain of missing their children hollows them out emotionally, and when the grief of having that relationship damaged or severed becomes an unbearable weight carried day after day, they still don’t let go. I haven’t. I’ve tried, but I can’t. My sons are still my sons, and they need me, as much as I need them. And I will always cling to the hope that we’ll be together again one day.
    https://walter-singleton.com/2017/02/04/to-envy-those-who-grieve/

  132. Its hard to have empathy for my ex, he has 3 kids 2 he had when he was really young, hence the reason when we got married I had #3 by him. He told me that the mothers kept him away and that he had a lot of guilt about this Ect Ect Ect. We split up in Jan when he cheated on me and left, immediately started playing daddy to the OW kids. I bent over backward to make sure him and our daughter had contact and visits. Our daughter was a daddy’s girl, so I put aside my hurt and anger. It’s only been almost 3 months but slowly he stopped calling her daily and the visits got shorter. He recently made his relationship public, and it upset our daughter b/c along with the announcement came a video of him with the OW’s 3 kids playing and stuff and how lucky she was to have “such and amazing man”. Our daughter posted some puking enjoys on his post and he got mad and called yelling at her, I told him to stop and act like an adult, that she is 9, of course, she is going to be mad, he calmed down. I told him to email his days off so I could set up visits this week (our schedule isn’t set due to his work schedule varying but we per the counselor have to set up the schedule week by week) he never did and he hasn’t called and he removed her from his facebook. I’m sorry but she is 9 and allowed to be hurt and act like a child. He is almost 40 and should be grown up enough to emphasize with his daughter and put her first, especially since he supposedly had all this guilt about his two older kids. The only person I feel bad for in the situation are the kids that are abandon by their other parent b/c they are too selfish to make an effort or fight for thier kids

  133. About two years ago my boys father came back into town, after a “friend” of mine went behind my back and asked that my boys stay over at her place one night(with the intention he surprise the boys) the next day they were so happy, they would ask me if they could see him. So I spoke to him , of course he said he had just arrived , didy have a phone, car, work or place to stay. So , I understood, he asked for time to settle in. Months later he bought a home (lived with his wife and two boys)
    Has a car and a well paying job.
    We came to an agreement that he would have my boys one week and I would have them one week. My youngest son didn’t want to stay with because my son felt like his daddy didn’t take the time to take him
    To his practices or games. (Which he was right)
    The first incident : Friday night, his night to pick them up. I take my boys to their game, again make
    Sure they remind their father he has to pick them up at a certain time when the games over. He doesn’t show up. Games over , my boys call me say their dad is not answering. I go pick them up. About an hour and half later he calls me and asked if the boys are with me. Said he sent his dad to pick them up and the dad could find the place. Not wanting to argue I tell him he can pick them up in the morning.
    Second incident:
    His day to pick them up. My oldest son has gone to a dinner with the school team. My youngest is with me, he calls his dad and dad tells him he will pick him up later when he goes for his brother. Two- 3 hours later my son is inpatient and no longer wants to go with his dad( he thinks he is unfair thy he has to wait for his dad to go for his brother, when his dad was already on the same side of town we live in.)
    3rd incident: it’s his weekend with my boys, he asks me if they can stay because he has to work out of town… of course this is no problem to me. He tells the boys his wife is having some type of surgery , which either way I’m ok with them staying. Well the next day we start seeing pictures of him, wife,kids and mother in law with some mutual friend snowboarding.
    My youngest son sees the same pictures and asked why his dad didn’t take them. I told him I wasn’t sure. But that he should ask his dad, as I thought he would be the best person to answer that. Well he text him asking why he didn’t take them. Till this day he has not responded to his message.
    I finally said this is it , I’m done. I went to a lawyer and for personal reasons asked if he could assist me me with asking for child aupport for my boys with out having to go to the court. Lawyer says yes… after almost two months of my boys not going with their dad . The lawyer sends him a letter, he goes in doesn’t agree with paying the amount asked , but instead asked to give them 50/50 and he will pay less them half requested. I respond saying no, the lawyer types out a letter with a reasons I don’t believe it is in my boys best interest to be with their dad 50/50 but instead offer a much more realistic schedule.they will be with me School nights. He will have them every other weekend. He will still pay the same amount requested. He goes back to the lawyer says nothing, only there to schedule a mediation. We go in, the layer he says he will give what he originally said he would . The lawyer asks if he read the letter he answers “Somewhat” then he goes on to saying “if I give her what she is requesting , I won’t be taking the boys. I won’t see them either” the lawyer tells him , it is your obligation to take care of this boys. Physically and financially. He says ok but like I said if she wants the money then I’m going to have to work more and either way I won’t be “helping” with the boys. The lawyer one more time tells him. Ok, but you have every right to spend time with your kids he says “NO” they can look for me when their 18. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My thought was my boys especially my oldest. How was I going to explain this to my kids when they asked why they haven’t seen their dad. Upset and crying I went home and sure enough the kids asked what happened and doing what I though was best for MY KIDS i was honest.
    A week later my son gets injured , his dad finds out, calls him and my son doesn’t answer. It’s painful to see how everything turned out. Advise please. What do I do if he changes his mind. I did ask the lawyer that I wanted his decision of not seeing the boys on writing along with what he agreed to pay. Which by the way was lowered by 100 dollars. Why,? Do parents think it is ok that if they pay they don’t need to see the kids or spend time with them ?

  134. This is the other side of the coin. There are dads like as who are separated because the woman left the marital home and has decided not to provide me access to the kids. the law states unless 7 years before i can fight for custody. I have two sons and i visit the boy in school. The other one is 1 year and very soon when he starts school i will visit him too. I pay the school fees all by myself and send money bi-weekly into her account. Its not all men who are like that. sometimes the actions of some women make men to forget their kids. I could have done same but it will only be to my disadvantage in the future since the kids will say you neglected them. I know time will tell when they grow to learn it was all their mums doing not mine.

  135. I wish i see my son more. I work alot with wed thur off. Everytime i ask to see him, hes tired after school or hes busy at friends. I always say aslong as hes happy playing. On school holidays my ex makes plans with her new man to do something with kids. I only have one son with her. im tired of asking permission to see him. Thats why i let her get on with it. Tired of arguing, Tired of asking can i see him later after school and go to park or for something to eat becase most of time its a no. I dont give her money because i like to spend the money on him, when i get him and i know what i spend. I dont have another gfriend for 3years. I cant be Botherd. Mean time i live in my car because im trying to pay everything off. 3 months now living in car. Evrything sucks. If only i earnt 38grand like my brother A year and ile b able to pay my ex a grand a month to see my son. She be happy then. Most woman r happy when u give em money. Not like im living the dream, new gfriend, my own place with a garden for my son to pop over for the night, bbq summer, no i live in the car with no help from council because im not an emergency and she claims the benifits for him. Nway im going on. Bollocks, if only i can re inlist in army but to old. Feel like packing up, dissapearing.

  136. Ignoring the kids because of low self worth? Maybe they are just a narcissistic @$$hole. My son’s dad completely ignores him, he knocked someone else up about a year after my son was born and decided to marry her even though he owed child support, doing what he wanted was more important. He has a replacement family now and our son basically doesn’t exist for him. I see this happen a lot – guy fathers a child out of wedlock, he’ll may make an effort or not to see the child, then when he gets someone else pregnant he’ll settle down and marry her and the first kid gets abandoned.

What do you think? Please comment!

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *