When things are tough on the single-mom front, this is what I tell myself:
I may sometimes be an overwhelmed single mom, but at least I’m not a married overwhelmed single mom. Because anecdotally, most married moms I know often feel like they’re often without a spouse. I know this because a) I was a married mom for a minute, b) I look around and see all these married, stay-at-home moms getting through the days by the skin on their teeth while their husbands build their careers, and they look as though they’re about to lose their minds (many have, frankly), and c) when you’re a single mom, women (and men) complain to you about their spouses. A LOT. And they tell me they feel like they’re single parents.
Oh, and there are some facts to back this up.
While about half of mothers will spend at least a year as sole custodian of a child (according to University of North Carolina researchers), kids are being raised by one parent in many other circumstances, even if the mother and father are technically married. These include:
- The 2 million military kids who have had at least one parent deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, according to the National Center for Children in Poverty.
- The 1.7million children who have at least one parent in jail, according to the nonprofit Justice Strategies.
- All those husbands with jobs requiring long hours and travel, resulting in them hardly seeing their kids.
And then there are the all those millions of kids I mentioned in an earlier post who are being raised in households where parents are addicted, depressed, abusive or chronically ill. Of course, lots of these situations can and do overlap – kids whose parents are addicted, depressed and in the can, those who are divorced and in the military, etc. The point is, statistics about moms raising children without a husband to whom they are legally married are misleading – there are far, far more women who identify – even if secretly, you know who you are! – as married single moms.
Don’t take it from me. ForbesWoman.com and TheBump.com recently conducted a survey of 1,200 mothers and found:
- 70 percent of working moms and 68 percent of stay-at-home moms resent their partner because of the unbalanced load of household and parenting responsibilities.
- 84 percent of stay-at-home moms don’t get a break from parenting after their partner walks in the door at night, and, 50 percent of stay-at-home moms say they never—NEVER!– receive a time-out from parenting.
- Not surprisingly, 24 percent of working mothers and 28 percent of stay-at-home moms say they sometimes they feel like a “married single mom.”
And in a lot of ways, they are: Married moms take on the majority of childcare and housekeeping regardless of whether they work outside of the home. Which is just like a real single mom. Except for the money part, of course. Because in most cases, the economic research on raising children alone will inspire you to stick your head in the toilet after your toddler poops on that little shelf in there that makes it impossible to flush. But much, much more on that later.
Because, really, nothing has to be that bad.
Coming up: Is it better to be an overwhelmed single mom than an overwhelmed, resentful married single mom?
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Hi Emma,
Morghan’s been sharing your posts on our mommy board. I wanted to let you know that I’m enjoying reading your blog. This most recent entry left me feeling better about my marriage. I frequently fantasize about being a single mom, and don’t appreciate all that my husband brings to the table when I’m feeling selfishly tied down.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks Kristen — that’s a perspective I didn’t expect from this post.
Wow. You hit the nail on the head. I am definitely a married single mom. I love my husband and we have a great marriage but when it comes to workload, well, it’s better for me to not tally it all up. My solution to not sinking into bitter, overworked, resentful land was to change careers. I’ve switched from being full-time teacher, part-time writer, full-time mom. (Nutty situation, that…) to full-time writer/mom. It needs to be acknowledged that my husband’s career has made it possible for me to change mine so I can pursue my passion instead of just clocking it in. So, yes, as you say in your description, money does change everything.
Kelly – very well said. Your situation sums up the feelings of many people, though I really admire that you took charge of your family life and started your own business (hello! totally relate!). I also respect that acknowledge that your husband’s income facilitated this change. I’m glad you’re reading.
I’ve been a single mom for almost a year now and I’ve realized two things: 1) my married female friends now confide everything about their marriages to me and 2) all the men in my life suddenly think they have a chance with me as if I’m really lonely and desperate because I’m a single mom now.
Nicole — two future blog posts for me in your email!!!
Unmarried parents can get financial assistance not just in the shape of foods & property assistance, but also within their education. Numerous national federal grants can hold your schooling. Numerous non-government organizations provide academic grants with regard to single mothers along with other valuable individuals. Another critical edge is there are many university federal grants that enable unmarried parents to have free child care aid for children. In this way their children could have a secured destination while their mums are studying.
YES I felt this way the WHOLE time I was married. My now ex husband and I slept in different rooms and were for all intensive purposes separated. My still married GFs tell me this all of the time
It’s too bad that so few spouses realize what their non-contribution to keeping the house functioning and raising the children does to the marriage. It led to our separation. It breaks down intimacy.
I was the text book case of single married mom. My abusive addict of a husband could never keep a job (barring that one year that he actually attempted to clean up, and managed to hold a job for a year) and other than the occasional fits of rage induced house cleaning (because I wasn’t able to maintain spotless, looking after him, his son, and our infant daughter) he basically did nothing but watch tv or sit on the computer, when he was home. I spent my time missing him and wishing he was home, but dreading when he did actually come home. Originally I agreed to do the inside work, if he did the outside work. All of it fell on me, as well as dragging him kicking and screaming to welfare when he couldn’t or wouldn’t find a job. As a single mom now, I am no longer in bad health, and I have lost 70lbs just from lack of stress. Even though my daughter misses her dad, who has no desire to be part of her life, I know that she is better off without him in the end and I do everything humanly possible to help her feel secure and loved.
Being a “single mother” means that a mother has one or more children that were neither conceived nor borne in marriage, e.g., that they are bastards. Why does this matter? Because single mother’s wombs are in effect the breeding ground of criminals (for boy children) and future mothers of criminals (if girl babies). The odds of these are conservatively 7:1 compared with children born and raised to maturity in marriage between both biological parents. This does NOT apply to widows, and partially does to children of divorced mothers.
From http://poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?poemnumber=710351&sitename=vulgerlove&poemoffset=0&displaypoem=t&item=poetry
Effects of Fatherlessness (US Data)
1) BEHAVIORAL DISORDERS/ RUNAWAYS/ HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS/CHEMICAL ABUSERS/ SUICIDES
85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)
90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)
71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)
75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes (Source: Rainbows for all God’s Children.)
63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)
2) JUVENILE DELINQUENCY/ CRIME/ GANGS
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978)
70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)
85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)
California has the nation’s highest juvenile incarceration rate and the nation’s highest juvenile unemployment rate. Vincent Schiraldi, Executive Director, Center on Juvenile and Criminal Justice, “What Hallinan’s Victory Means,” San Francisco Chronicle (12/28/95).
These statistics translate to mean that children from a fatherless home are:
5 times more likely to commit suicide.
32 times more likely to run away.
20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders.
14 times more likely to commit rape
9 times more likely to drop out of high school.
10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances.
9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution.
20 times more likely to end up in prison.
Intentionally becoming a single mother? Child abuse.
So Luke, what your saying is that children are better off in an unstable household where the parents constantly fight then they are in a household with one parent who is happier? Or what if the father is in the picture, but barely. i.e. does playtime, occasionally feeds the kid but basically is in the background 90% of the time? Where one parent does 99% of the work, has other responsibilities and can be full of stress constantly? So according to you children are better off in this environment where one parent is constantly on the verge of a stress breakdown because they have very little if any real help raising the child and the other parent is basically a playmate with occasional seconds of helping, then they would be if the parent doing all the work was to simply leave and be happier? Children reflect their parents. If they see their parent miserable and upset all the time because they are in a bad situation, then that child will internalize that struggle. But if a child sees their parent happier, and enjoying life more then they will clearly internalize that. I hope you never have to experience what it feels like to be married and raising a child basically on your own so your spouse can live all their hopes and dreams while yours are constantly pushed to the back burner day in and day out. Then you might understand what its like to worry that your child will end up in the same type of relationship, on top of all the other hundreds of worries you have as well.