Who deserves to call themselves a “single mom”?

 

confused woman with maths

As can only happen in class-weird America, people in this great nation can be heard vying for the right to claim rights to refer to themselves as a “single mother.” It is an interesting and relevant debate — one that speaks to how unmarried moms move forward with our lives as individuals, but also how we collectively define with our place in the world. First, let’s get out of the way all the broads who are not single moms.

Ladies, if your husband is away on a hunting trip for a weekend, you are not a single mom. Or even, as Michelle Obama accidentally did earlier this year, you call yourself a single mom because your husband is really, really busy with his fabulous career, you are out. And FYI, when you refer to yourself as a single mom you piss off a whole lot of people–people who have little or no financial help to raise their kids, or partnership that provides the emotional and logistical support that all families need. Not that you meant anything by it. But when you say that we want to kill you.

On forums and in casual conversation, I hear people (usually men – men who pay lots of child support) grumble about women (usually their exes) who define themselves as single moms. “They have no right to say that — I pay for her manicures and weekends in Cancun with her 26-year-old personal trainer boyfriend!” is the usual gripe.

Which leads us to examine what “single mother” really means. Yes, you are unmarried and romantically available. Fair enough. But “single mom” is a heavily loaded term with lots of social and political connotations. Depending on how you vote, a single mom is responsible for bearing fatherless criminals and living off of the taxpayer’s dime; or she is a saintly martyr for her children and a victim of a chauvinistic society that tells men it is OK to abandon their children by a male-dominated court system that let him way, way off the hook.

But what if you’re living in reality and fall somewhere in between? What about families where custody is civilized and shared 50-50? What if you get a fat support check every two weeks? Or the parent who is saddled with 100 percent of the responsibilities, but remarries into a supportive relationship? Or you get no financial support, but lots of logistic and parenting cooperation? What if you’re doing it all on your own, but have the financial means to hire extensive help with the kids and house? What about the married mom whose husband has a lil somethin’ on the side, lends zero help with the kids and blows the mortgage payment on electronics and poker games?

I feel totally fine calling myself a single mom: I float my family financially and am the primary caretaker of my kids. If my ex’s situation were different he would gladly participate in a different way, and he very well may in the future. My status (and yes this is all about status) as a single mom because that is a fact. But would I call
myself something else
if I were not so very independent in my parenting?

The crux of this issue is that “single mom” carries with it at least a twinge of status in many circles — in other groups it lends serious street cred. Being a single mom can be inherently hard, and in America we uphold hard as a virtue. In most of the country, bragging rights belong to the person who put herself through college, saved up for the downpayment on his house, and never took a cent from parents after graduating high school. If you happen to have a trust fund, inheritance, or cashed in on a tech start-up, you keep your pie hole shut and keep your lifestyle in line with your middle-class friends (or go find rich friends).

Which brings us back to single mom semantics. On one hand, we could agree to dismiss the issue as a big, WHO THE EFF CARES?! On the other, the fact that this topic warrants a blog posts underscores bigger changes afoot: changes in family structure, marriage, family economics, and gender, class and money — all my most favoritest topics of conversation, but also some of the most important and compelling issues of our time. As we figure out where women and mothers fit into the worlds of work, money and politics, we need language to help us along the way.

Until we iron out the details, I’ll stick with my title of “single mom.” But not too tightly. After all, to toss off a casual “I’m a single mom” can suggest a belief that you are automatically deserving of respect — an attitude that pisses off pretty much everyone.

13 thoughts on “Who deserves to call themselves a “single mom”?

  1. that’s the thing… I guess “single” relates to relationship status, but the way “single” and “mom” get put together as “single mom” makes it sound like you are parenting alone. That’s why I’m not sure what to call myself. I don’t want to call myself “divorced mom” but I feel like that is more accurate. I’m a mom and I’m not married, but I was and that person is contributing to my kids support. I do feel like describing myself as “single mom” would almost negate any support I’m receiving from my ex. Not that I care about him getting credit, but I don’t need to get extra credit that when there are women out there doing a lot more.

    I’m not sure there’s really a right answer so I just try to avoid describing myself in these terms if possible.

  2. It seems that by claiming “single mom” it is a dig on our kids’ dad — which is not necessarily the case.

    Better question may be: When can a man deserve to call himself a single dad?

  3. Thank you for opening up this intriguing conversation. Obviously, married women/those in partnered committed live-in relationships are NOT single moms. And they sound frankly pathetic and whiny when they characterize themselves as such. It was an uncharacteristic misstep by Michelle Obama to do so — count on it NEVER happening again.

    Every permutation [choice, chance, divorced . . ] under the “single mom” heading has advantages and disadvantages — and there is no way and no reason to measure who carries the heaviest load.

    1. Thanks Dr. Leah! I agree, but what about these caveats:

      >>>What about families where custody is civilized and shared 50-50? What if you get a fat support check every two weeks? Or you get no financial support, but lots of logistic and parenting cooperation? What if you’re doing it all on your own, but have the financial means to hire extensive help with the kids and house? What about the married mom whose husband has a lil somethin’ on the side, lends zero help with the kids and blows the mortgage payment on electronics and poker games?

    1. Great post! Seems most single moms gripe about that topic at some time or anther. But what are your thoughts on unmarried moms who have many advantages – like financial wealth, lots of free time, a great relationship with their ex, etc.?

  4. To me, if there is a child with no father or male in the house, then they are a single mom. If they are getting alimony or child support they’re still single. They have to do all the stuff to keep the house running, they should get credit for that!!

  5. I have been doing a lot of soul searching on what it means to be a single mom. I am not with my son’s father, or anyone else for that matter (romantically/partner-wise). I do recieve child support from him. Although in the single mom (parent) continuum, I am doing pretty well. I have a job that I love that pays me a decent salary, I completed my schooling before I had a child and I live where I have family and friends support.

  6. @Seanna – I hear you saying you struggle to call yourself a single mom because you’re thriving. Interesting, and suggests that “single mom” has such a negative connotation for you.

  7. @ Emma, I haven’t meet very many single moms who are thriving in real life, or have very many single mom friends in general. Most are either married with kids or have no kids and single. Most of the media protrayals of single moms are pretty dismal. I think I struggle in own the title of “single mom” because it has been this way since day one, single parenthood is my norm. I think it would have been much harder if I started out co-parenting and had to adjust then.

  8. An interesting article re terminology. I am a divorced dad paying child support but not alimony to my ex-wife to cover among other things the shelter for my children while they live 50% of the time with her in our old apartment. She is engaged band when she remarries her new husband is moving in with her.

    Do I call myself a Single Dad? I have wondered whether I have that right. As the kids don’t live with me 100% of the time?

    But I do pay 100% of the child support under NYS law to their mother. In effect I pay 150% of the required food / shelter / clothing formula as in addition to paying the support to her I support them fully when they live with me. Does that give me the right to say I am a single dad?

    Probably not as the kids receive emotional support across two households from two parents etc.

    As the writer states there is a certain street cred of stating you are a single parent but the term should probably only be reserved for those parents who are doing it fully on their own with no second parent in the picture financially or emotionally.

    Does my Ex think of herself as a single mom? I cannot say. Would it bug me if she does? probably. Especially when I have no proof that 100% of my child support is being used fully for my children’s needs or knowing as I do that it covers the roof over head when she is gainfully employed, granted she earns substantially less than me and I am happy my children continue to live in our old 3 bedroom apartment where with me we share a single bedroom apartment in Queens.

    Do I have gripes? Of course but what divorced single parent doesn’t.

    1. Eric, this stirs up so many thoughts including many stories I’ve heard in recent months from disgruntled divorced dads. These — like you, I sense — are good guys, devoted dads, with feminist politics. But something goes amiss in the divorce process and they do seem to be getting screwed. A few examples:

      -One dad who earns about the same as his ex– in the six-figures — but because he earns maybe $5k more he is subject to NYS child support laws and pays her 25% of his gross. Like you, his living arrangements are far, far inferior to hers, even though he too has 50% custody.

      -Another’s ex earned a PhD while they were married, never contributed financially during the marriage, and now pays her $100k per year in support and alimony, and has 40% custody, and again, lives in inferior housing. He said that during a meeting to discuss taxes she flat-out refused to admit the sum that he gives her “because she wants to see herself as a struggling single mom.” (his words, but …)

      It seems that the pendulum has swung too far in so many cases … part of the problem is that the majority of parents who are not in committed relationshisp with each other – the guys are loser, negligent dirt bags. So judges have little sympathy for these dudes. And alimony is still in effect (though being phased out).

      In short, the underfunded legal system has not yet caught up with the nuances of what is going on in professional families where both parties are capable of supporting a household, and both parents are equally involved, rendering obsolete the argument that one parent should have a bigger/nicer home on behalf of the children.

      I’ve heard plenty of grumbling bitter men, and don’t think you fall into that category.

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