This post about how many men are better dads after divorce is a few years old, written before I gelled my beliefs about equal parenting and the presumption that fathers be equal-time parents. That said, this post highlights some great anecdotes about how divorced parents can be better parents, and how when moms back off, dads can often thrive as parents.
Here is an excellent example of a single mom who helped her ex be a better dad, and had remarkable results for the whole family. Excerpt from my #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin):
It took more than five years, but I am proud to say that today my ex and I can enjoy family dinners, discuss discipline challenges, and have even mentioned vacationing together in the future. A big part of this was our shift away from me seeing myself as the primary parent and both of us embracing equal roles in our kids’ lives.
There are many ways you can do this, but in Valerie’s case, she actively reached out to her ex and explicitly supported him in being a better father. It worked:
The best advice after my divorce was from a counselor. I was complaining about the burden of having my kids most of the time because my ex (going through a period of self-loathing, pity, and guilt) was not taking the time to be with them.
She told me that my kids needed me to be 100 percent of the mom I could be to them, but being 150 percent of the mom they needed would not compensate for their dad being anything less than 100 percent of the dad they needed. I would be better off investing that extra 50 percent helping him be a better dad.
Something clicked in me and really shifted my perspective. It began with a discussion I had with their dad: “Our kids need more time with you. Our kids need you more involved in the day-to-day of their lives. Our kids need you to be 100 percent of the dad you can be. How can I help you?”
And I kept asking. Finally, one day he asked me to help him move furniture into his apartment so he could make it more of a home for them. I packed up some toys and clothes (and even dishes and cups the kids liked using) and took them to his apartment. I encouraged him to coach our son’s baseball team and I helped with its administration. I encouraged him to take one of the kids to dinner to spend time one-on-one with them while I kept the other two. He became more confident as a parent.
Once I started to give, he started to give.
That was more than five years ago. Our co-parenting relationship is balanced and in a very good place. It has been for a long time now—sometimes I forget it wasn’t always.
If you are a single mom, here are three things you can do right now to encourage your kids’ dad to be an equal co-parent:
- Back the eff off. Assuming your kids’ dad has not been proven to be unfit in any way, you get no say about what happens at his house. Bedtime, meals, toys played with and adults in their company are up to the dad. This includes any of his romantic interests. If the situation does indeed sound scary, take it to court. Otherwise, he is free to parent as he sees fit. It may take him some time to find his groove, find a rhythm and routine that works for him. Give him space to be the dad he is capable of.
- Reach out to him in a genuine expression of collaboration. “I know you are a good dad, how can I support you?” Say that. Mean it. Recognize the wonderful benefits that the fruits of this gesture can have for your children, and you! After all, what if you no longer fought with him all the time, worried about whether he sees the kids, or stressed over micromanaging the visit? What if he were a more involved, collaborative partner who assumed taking kids when they are sick, and together you gang up on the kids when discipline problems arise. You could get more time to yourself, fewer stressful days of full-on parenting, and a calmer, warmer relationship with the only person who loves your kids as much as you do.
- Say three nice things about your kids’ dad to them every day. This is as much about letting your children know that you support their father, as it is healing of your own wounds around the relationship, and reframes him in a more positive light in your own mind. Tell them a funny story about when you were dating. Highlight a physical attribute, personality trait that you admire, or tell them that their dad shares your values around sharing, lying or chores (if it is true).
A couple of weeks ago Thomas Matlack wrote on the New York Times’ Motherlode blog about how hitting rock bottom and losing his marriage made him stop drinking and be a better dad.
I’ve seen many times how divorce has made men better fathers – including in my own family. One of this blog’s commenters named Kirsten wrote that limiting the time her ex spends with their kids makes him appreciate them much more than when he lived with them full-time:
I saved my ex-husband’s relationship with his kids by getting his angry self out of here. He couldn’t handle being selfless everyday but he can do a decent job every other weekend. While I want nothing to do with him, my kids now have a dad who is happy to see them and he’s not yelling and screaming and scaring the crap out of them.
Again, a rather extreme example. Mine is also extreme – my husband and I separated while he was recovering from a brain injury, and he was in no state to be a co-parent. But gradually, thanks to the structure that a visitation schedule provided, he has become a more reliable presence in our kids’ lives.
But more than these tragedies, I’ve heard from everyday guys going through garden-variety divorces who thrive in their new, part-time parenting schedules. Several report that their ex-wives dominated domestic decisions and habits, and the men consciously or unconsciously acquiesced to her way of parenting while married. Now, left to their own devices, they’ve flourished in their new roles as independent parents. (Hear that ladies? Control freaks make men bad dads!)
Other stories are simply about men no longer taking for granted their time with their children and role as fathers. Some so cherish their visits that they find themselves more present and focused during those hours, when compared with when they lived full-time in the same home as their kids. Other dads struggle with guilt over not being around as much, worried their kids will one day have memories of the “weekend dad” — and do all they can to be involved and available.
I was recently chatting with a colleague contemplating divorce, and he said, “I owe it to my 3-year-old daughter to make it work.” That is certainly a noble and common notion, but I challenged him. A loveless marriage is no gift to any child. And there are so many examples of parents of both genders finding their groove after divorce — to the betterment of everyone involved.
- The benefits of dating single dads (wealthysinglemommy.com)