Why is child support so unfair to fathers? A case for needed reform

In my work writing about women, money and family in the United States, there are two prevailing issues:

• Dads who do not live with their kids are barely involved. (Just 22% of dads who live apart from their children see them more than once weekly, per Pew.)
• That pay gap will. not. close.
• Child support is unfair and needs to be reformed.

Here’s the answer:

Start all custody negotiations at a default 50/50 equally shared parenting time and custody, with no child support or alimony.

• Why is child support so unfair to fathers
• How to avoid child support
• Child support reform promotes father involvement

Why is child support so unfair to fathers?

While the world is changing for the better in many ways, the majority of child support payors are men. Here are all the reasons why child support is is unfair to dads:

Child support is built on the presumption that one parent (mothers) care for the children while another (father) pays for them. This shoehorns men and women into sexist roles, with men forced to be the breadwinner.

Often, whether by law or practice, child support is tied to the amount of time a man is allowed to spend with their children — heightening an already adversarial family court system, and making men pay to see their children.

Child support calculations rarely factor in a man’s ability to afford payments, and in states where failure to pay leads to jail time, forces poor men trapped in a cycle of imprisonment, unemployment, and more imprisonment. Meanwhile, no money is paid in child support, and fatherlessness is perpetuated.

I elaborate on reforming child support in The 50/50 Solution: The Surprisingly Simple Solution that Makes Moms, Dads and Kids Happier When Parents Split (Sourcebooks, March 26, 2024):

Child support payments

Though the threat of jail is considered an effective incentive for people who are able but unwilling to pay, many critics assert that punitive policies are trapping poor men in a cycle of debt, unemployment and imprisonment.

The problem begins with child support orders that, at the outset, can exceed parents’ ability to pay. When parents fall short, the authorities escalate collection efforts, withholding up to 65% of a paycheck, seizing bank deposits and tax refunds, suspending driver’s licenses and professional licenses, and then imposing jail time.

Child support debt

“Parents who are truly destitute go to jail over and over again for child support debt simply because they’re poor,” said Sarah Geraghty, a lawyer with the Southern Center for Human Rights, which filed a class-action lawsuit in Georgia on behalf of parents incarcerated without legal representation for failure to pay. “We see many cases in which the person is released, they’re given three months to pay a large amount of money, and then if they can’t do that they’re tossed right back in the county jail.”

Skip Child Support. Go to Jail. Lose Job. Repeat. — The New York Times

While many assume child support is mandatory in divorce — it does not have to be. If you settle out of court through a low-cost online divorce service, you can negotiate joint 50/50 custody, equal parenting time, no or lower child support, and any other arrangements that you and your child’s other parent agree to.

If you go to family court, however, a judge will likely apply your state’s child support calculator, with no flexibility.

Do courts prefer mothers over fathers?

While the current child support system isn’t equitable, there isn’t concrete data to support that courts favor mothers over fathers in custody or child support decisions, says Molly Rosenblum, founding attorney of The Rosenblum Allen Law Firm in Las Vegas, Nev. which handles family law, criminal defense, and civil cases. 

Ultimately, courts are charged with making a choice that supports the best interest of the child.

When choosing a child support payment amount, judges are bound to use predefined calculations to determine how much the non-custodial parent will pay. This does not change whether the non-custodial parent is the child’s mother or father.

But the reality is — the cost of raising a child is far beyond child support calculations. 

“Is the system geared toward making men pay? As far as child support goes, I don't believe that's true,” says Rosenblum.

In Nevada, and other states, child support statutes are in place to make sure the non-custodial parent contributes financially to meet the needs of the child or children. 

And in custody decisions, Rosenblum asserts that gender of parentage is not a factor. The laws dictate that gender does ot influence custody decisions. However, in court, it may look like decisions favor mothers.

“In practice, it may appear that courts have a preference for mothers over fathers but I personally believe that this is changing slowly over time,” says Rosenblum. “I have seen plenty of cases where fathers receive primary custody.” 

A 2020 US Census Bureau report looking 2017 data about custodial parents’ child support found:

• Fathers are more likely to become custodial parents, rising from 16% in 1994 to 20.1% in 2018
• Legal or informal child support arrangements were in place for 49.4% of custodial parents
• Over half of custodial parents received some form of non-monetary support from the non-custodial parent

If you are able to work with the other parent and make decisions together, you and your child's other parent can create your own parenting plan for free using documents from your local court.

How child support reform promotes father involvement

Fatherlessness is a public health crisis, that affects every facet of American life. Antiquated child support laws and collection enforcement are at the root of this issue.

A whole body of work studying lack of father involvement finds that when a child is raised without active involvement of a father, they are likely to suffer:

• Diminished sense of physical and emotional security (children consistently report feeling abandoned when their fathers are not involved in their lives)
• Behavioral and social problems, including with friendships
• Poor academic performance as 71% of high school dropouts are fatherless
• High crime, as 85% of youth in prison have an absent father
• Fatherless children are more likely to have sex before age 16, not use contraception during first intercourse, and become teenage parents, and transmit STDs
• More likely to use and abuse alcohol and other drugs
• 90% of runaway kids have an absent father
• Mental health disorders (father absent children are consistently overrepresented on a wide range of mental health problems, particularly anxiety, depression and suicide)
• As adults, fatherless children are more likely to experience unemployment, have low incomes, remain on social assistance, and experience homelessness)
• Poor future relationships (father absent children tend to enter partnerships earlier, are more likely to divorce or dissolve their cohabiting unions, and are more likely to have children outside marriage or outside any partnership)
• Higher mortality rates (fatherless children are more likely to die as children, and live an average of four years less over the lifespan)

A dad explains: “Why I don’t see my child”

How to avoid child support

Search the internet and you will find all kinds of shady and illegal ways to hide your income, get fired and other nefarious ways to avoid paying child support. Here are a few legal ways to get out of paying support:

• Terminate your parental rights
• Agree to allow another adult adopt the child
• The child has been emancipated or enlisted for military duty
• Both parents agree to a settlement, including a parenting plan in which no child support is paid
• Increasingly, despite what laws may be on the books in your state, judges are ordering equal parenting time with no or reduced child support.
• If you currently pay child support, but the time-sharing has moved to a 50/50 schedule, you can file for a child support review to have it revised.

Why not to fight your ex for child support, alimony or other money

Money is often cited as the No. 1 thing divorcing couples fight over. Financial disagreements clog the courts and wrack up attorney bills — not to mention burn untold units of stress and misery for each party, their children and anyone within earshot.

This money-related financial tension carries over after breakups and divorce. Often, women tell me that they can't move forward with their lives because they are stuck financially because of money their ex owes. They tell me: I can't afford to go back to school / advance my career by traveling or taking additional responsibilities because there is no money for child care — because he won't pay. 

He may very well owe you that money. Morally and legally, you may be entitled to it.

But sometimes you can be so right, you are wrong. After all, the average sum of child supported ordered monthly is less than $300, and total child support owed is actually paid just 40% of the time. What if you let that all go and focused on earning big, big money? I want every woman to understand what it feels like to be financially independent. Only then do you truly step into your power, and live your life in the biggest, most authentic way possible.

1. It costs you more in legal fees than you stand to receive 

Life is not fair. There are laws designed to protect women and children in divorce, and there is also the universal law of what is just. But there is also the legal system, and it is messed up, unfair and is designed to support mainly the rich. Unless you're Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods, there is often a very low threshold to cross before it stops making sense to spend money on lawyers to get what you are owed. Do the math. Then take a deep breath. Let the breath go. And let that money go, too.

2. You're fighting for money he doesn't have

You can't get blood from a stone, as the old adage goes. Sure, he may owe you tens of thousands of dollars in back child support. You could have the courts take his car and send him to jail. But if you honestly know that he doesn't have that cash, do you really want to do that? Yes? What do you get in return?

How to deal when you’re a mom who pays child support or alimony

3. You're building a lifestyle around someone else's money — that you may never get

When you create a budget based on money you get from someone else, you are dependent on them. This is never a good idea. For financial reasons, that money may never materialize — or suddenly disappear. Men's child support and alimony doesn't show up if he loses his job, becomes disabled and cannot work, dies, refuses to pay for whatever reason, or has another child and is allowed by the courts to pay less. Plus, don't you just want to stop fighting and earn your own money? Doesn't that sound really, really delicious — to never be dependent on him or another man again?

19 reasons why alimony is unfair and hurts gender equality

4. You're fighting for money in divorce out of spite

Anger and spite are normal. God knows I've spent a lot of time being pissed at my ex! But exuding all that negative energy to take revenge is not a good reason to fight for money — even if you're entitled to it. Good reasons include providing a better life for yourself and your kids and/or because the money is genuinely yours.

Single mom struggles: How to overcome 9 stereotypes keeping you broke

5. He needs the money more than you do

Maybe each of your financial situations have changed. Maybe you have indeed moved on and are now killing it financially. Maybe he lost his job and is struggling. Maybe you're both stable, but you see that the money in question could help him out a whole lot more than it could help you. And now that you've moved forward, and you are no longer spiteful and angry, you have the energy to do the right thing.

6. Fighting for money is exhausting and bad for the kids

Divorce is one of the most stressful, draining crises a person can go through. In many cases — especially if there are children and significant assets involved — it is worth taking your time with a good lawyer to negotiate a fair settlement. But until the mailman delivers the manilla envelope containing your signed divorce decree, you will likely feel that your whole world is in limbo. Letting some stuff go moves everyone forward — including the kids.

After all, the more conflict between you and your ex, for whatever reason, means the children suffer at the hands of it. He might legally owe you, but sometimes you can be so right you're wrong.

Co-parenting is your priority now, and that is hard to do peacefully if you are fighting over money. Read my tips on how to co-parent with your ex, peacefully, as well as all the science-based research on why equally shared parenting is best.

One of the first co-parenting apps, and widely used app, OurFamilyWizard, which features chat, information storage (like pediatrician and teacher contact info, prescriptions, etc.), and financial record-keeping. 30-day free trial,  discounts for military families, and a program to provide OurFamilyWizard free to low-income families. Each parent can add unlimited numbers of other people for free, including children, grandparents, step and bonus parents, as well as attorneys.

Read our review of OurFamilyWizard.

7. You hold yourself back when you fight your ex for money

Deepak Chopra tells us that human beings have infinite energy, and I accept that to be true. But we are also physical beings living in the real world, and a girl only has so much energy to go around.

When you are dependent on his money, you are dependent on HIM. Dependence is never healthy. It holds you back, keeps you embroiled in a romantic relationship that is over, with someone who you likely don't care for much.

You have a choice: Spend your time, energy and power to fight with him, or invest that time and energy and power in yourself to earn far more money than he owes you from his 401(k). After all, when it comes to earning and building wealth, the sky is the limit!

My mantra: The best revenge is living well.

Bottom line: Because child support is unfair, seek equitable solutions

According to the National Conference of State Legislatures (NCSL), child support orders that consider the actual income of low-income fathers are part of the pathway to address equity in the system. Other factors include education on debt reduction and finding ways to increase earnings in employment.

And single mothers who are custodial parents have a financial burden on them to make up the difference as stated by The American Bar Association referencing 2020 US Census Bureau data showing that women were the head of 82% of single parent households in America.

If you are able to work together to create a parenting plan that covers top concerns like child support and visitation, you’ll have power over the outcome. Plus, you can file it in your local court to make it enforceable. 

If you leave your child support arrangement up to the courts, you might not agree with the outcome. To find the best equitable solutions, both parents must work together to come up with a parenting plan. File it in your local court so that it stands as a legal, enforceable decision.

 It’s all about creating a co-parenting relationship to raise your children in a healthy environment. For more information and help on how to achieve this, check out the following resources:

Divorce Corp and Erasing Family documentaries

Kickass Single Mom, Be Financially Independent, Discover Your Sexiest Self, and Raise Fabulous, Happy Children, By: Emma Johnson

Blend, The Secret to Co-Parenting and Creating a Balanced Family, By: Mashonda Tifrere

Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You, By: by Amy J. L. Baker, PhD and Paul R Fine, LCSW

Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing, By: Dr. Richard A. Warshak

---

Are you part of the Facebook group, Millionaire Single Moms? No income requirement, though BIG GOALS and a positive MINDSET required! Join now!