One of the most common and heartbreaking topics I’m asked about is dealing with fathers who don’t see their kids regularly. A mom shared a typically devastating situation:
“My ex-husband doesn’t see his child”
“Biological father refuses to see his child.” 5 reasons a dad does not fight to be involved
- Ex feels there is too much drama with kids’ mom
- Ex did not choose to be a father in the first place
- Ex feels incapable as a father
- Malicious mother syndrome
- Ex is a deadbeat dad
How long can a father not see his child?
- How long can a mother keep a child from seeing his or her father?
- How much time must pass of a father not seeing his child before his parental rights are relinquished?
Absent father? How moms can support fathers
When co-parenting fails: Can you force a dad to see his child?
Bottom line: Get dads involved
Movies and books on single motherhood, divorce and co-parenting:
“My ex-husband doesn’t see his child”
The woman’s 11-year-old daughter’s father would go months without seeing the girl, and instead spent all his time with his new girlfriend. When the mom asked him why he didn’t return the daughter’s phone calls, he replied: “I don’t have anything to say.”
I gave her some ideas about taking the issue to family court, and managing both the daughter’s and her own expectations (stop trying to control him — you can’t). But the advice the mom told me that was most surprising and helpful was this:
Be empathetic.
“Biological father refuses to see his child.” 5 reasons a dad does not fight to be involved
I’m working on that brand of empathy as both a divorced parent and a child of divorce. My own dad was not involved in most of my life — and that devastated me in ways I don’t yet fully understand, but I have harbored a lot of anger about it and so, I have thought deeply about why do fathers abandon their child.
When you recognize that your child needs you — and you are valuable to them — you show up. You take parenting as a responsibility — not an extracurricular activity. Unfortunately, our culture dismisses fathers, and fatherhood. Think about the typical TV dad: Homer Simpson, or Al Bundy, Ray Romano. Nice guys, but bumbling idiots, and as parents, clearly inferior to mothers.
Divorce and family courts reinforce this stereotype, defaulting to visitation and custody schedules in which dads are relegated to every-other-weekend “visitors” with their own children, and told their greatest value to their children is as a breadwinner (the other side of this coin is that women are shoehorned into the primary caregiver role, and forced to be financially dependent on men. More on this in: Why is child support so unfair to fathers? A case for needed reform
Ex feels there is too much drama with kids’ mom
On the surface, “too much baby mama drama” is a petty reason not to have a relationship with your children.
But dig deeper, and you will find many men explain a history of police involvement, restraining orders, and mothers screaming at them in front of the kids. “I worried that all the conflict was hurting the kids more than if I didn’t see them, so I stepped away,” one man told me.
Of course, that is just one side of the story. You, the mom, certainly have your version of events. But consider his. Just consider it.
Here, a dad explains: “Why I don’t see my son.”
Ex did not choose to be a father in the first place
Until June 24, 2022, when the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, women in the United States have a legal, constitutional right to abortions. That means that women in the United States have a legal, constitutional right to decide if she wants to be a mother or not. While conservatives slash away at that right by closing abortion clinics, state by state, women’s access to abortion is dramatically reduced, in practicality.
However, men have virtually no reproductive rights. If a woman gets pregnant, she can choose to carry the baby to full-term, put a man’s name on the birth certificate (or not — her choice), and take him to family court for child support and visitation. The father in these cases has no rights whatsoever about deciding whether or not he wants to be a father. He can be criminally charged if he does not pay court-mandated child support.
While there is no legal repercussions for a non-custodial parent abandoning their child, it is unjust to expect any person, of any gender, to take responsibility for a person they did not choose to bring to this world.
What to do when a parent cancels visits last-minute
Ex feels incapable as a father
The world tells men they are incompetent, bumbling parents. Think of Homer Simpson, Al Bundy, Ray Ramon — even good-hearted Dre on Blackish are all fumbling, lesser parents compared with their competent wives.
This is not surprising in a time when we still herald the stay-at-home mom as martyr-saint, and defer to women as the primary parent in every family — married, separated, divorced or otherwise.
If you were the primary parent during the relationship, and your ex now has just a few days per month with the kids, it is unreasonable to expect him to get into a groove as a father, understand his kids needs and wants, and understand and grow as a dad. In fact, men often report being much better parents after divorce for all these reasons.
Malicious mother syndrome
Malicious mother syndrome is a real medical condition in which one parent is revengeful towards the other, especially in cases of divorce. Parental alienation is a key example, though any display of revengefulness that makes a relationship with the children can be a symptom of this disorder.
Ex is a deadbeat dad
I have been reading the research on this topic, and interacting with single moms and single dads for nearly a decade. There are very few fathers who actively choose to bring a child into this world, and then choose to abandon that child without any good reason.
There are many men who want to be involved, loving fathers who cannot afford to pay the child support sum ordered by the courts. That does not make him a deadbeat, or a bad father who should not be allowed to see his children. Unfortunately, those two functions are often connected: Men who cannot afford to pay child support and are at risk of being arrested for arrears. That dad is not likely to go to family court to fight for more time with his children, out of fear of jailtime for child support arrears.
Learn about the best life insurance companies.
How long can a father not see his child?
If there is a custody order in place, both parents must adhere to the visitation schedule outlined in the order.
Parents who do not follow these orders risk losing custody and facing jail time.
How long can a mother keep a child from seeing his or her father?
Child custody orders typically include rules for whether one parent can move away from the other parent without consent, or travel abroad or out of state without permission from the other parent.
Withholding visitation time can quickly put you in bad standing with the court, and put you at risk for losing custody as well as jail time.
Even if there is no custody order in place, a court will likely look unfavorably on a parent who keeps a child from his or her other biological or adoptive parent or guardian. “Friendly parent factor” is an increasingly common term written into state laws, as well as practiced by family court judges, which means that courts look favorably on parents who encourage a positive relationship with the other parent.
How much time must pass of a father not seeing his child before his parental rights are relinquished?
Biological parents have the legal and fundamental right to physical custody of their child, as well as the right to make important legal decisions on behalf of their child, regardless of involvement with the child.
If a parent is absent from a child's life, whether by choice or incarceration, they will generally still be recognized by courts as having parental rights.
However, if a custodial parent dies, goes to jail or otherwise is unable or unwilling to care for their children, then the non-custodial parent, or another relative or loved one may petition the court for primary custody. Otherwise, the state will appoint a guardian, which may include foster care.
On the other hand, if a non-custodial parent does not see his or her child for an extended period, which varies by state, nothing will legally happen. However, if the custodial parent chooses to seek to have that parent's parental rights terminated, he or she may initiate that process.
The other biological parent, a legal custodian or the state would need to take a court action to terminate the absent parent’s rights.
A state views an absent parent as someone who has abandoned their child by failing to make an effort to see or bond with their child for several months or years. Each state has its own laws in this regard.
What to do when the non-custodial parent doesn't show up or cancels last minute
Absent father? How moms can support fathers
First, let’s address the fact that the “deadbeat dad” stereotype is just that: A a trope, for which the history and explanation is complicated. Edward Kruk, PhD, a shared-parenting advocate, and divorce expert, writes in Psychology Today:
Despite President Obama’s 2011 Father’s Day lament on the irresponsibility of “deadbeat fathers” footloose and fancy-free from taking responsibility for their children, in fact the two major structural threats to fathers’ presence in children’s lives are divorce and non-marital childbearing. More often than not, fathers are involuntarily relegated by family courts to the role of “accessory parents,” instead of active caregivers.
This view persists among many, despite the fact that fathers in two-parent families, before divorce, typically share with mothers at least some of the responsibility for the care of their children. This is both because fathers have taken up some of the slack while mothers work longer hours outside the home, and because many fathers are no longer content to play a secondary role as parents. Most fathers today are keen to experience both the joys and challenges of parenthood, derive satisfaction from their parental role, and consider active and involved fatherhood to be a core component of their self-identity.
Whereas parents in general are not supported as parents by our social institutions, divorced fathers in particular are often devalued, disparaged, and forcefully disengaged from their children’s lives. Researchers have found that for children, the results are nothing short of disastrous.
Father Absence, Father Deficit, Father Hunger
The vital importance of paternal presence in children’s lives. Psychology Today
Kids who miss their fathers is just a surface symptom of deep psychological and societal issue that results when one parent is missing completely or partly from a child’s life. It is not just that the father (in the majority of cases) is not present to be involved, teach, care for and share in financial responsibility.
That child for their entire lives is plagued with the question: Why doesn’t my father love me?
Princeton University scholars’ meta-review of 47 studies, The Causal Effects of Father Absence, found that children raised without regular father involvement suffered:
- Increased behavioral problems
- Greater likelihood of smoking, drug use and underage drinking
- Lower chances of graduating high school, or attaining college educations
- Less likelihood of working as an adult, and adult who were raised without the involvement of their father had lower job statuses than those who had involved fathers
More research on fatherless daughters and sons finds:
- Daughters raised without an involved father are 71% more likely to have children as teenagers
- Researchers believe that a lack of father involvement affects a child’s brain social and cognitive development
- Troves of research link father absence to childhood obesity, increased risk of gang involvement, incarceration, mental illness, poverty and homelessness
What can moms do about fatherlessness?
The biggest change that must take place before fathers will be equally involved is to change our laws and culture to respect men as equal parents to mothers.
This will not happen overnight, but changes inside of individual families contribute to informing those around us, the courts, the judges and attorneys and mediators with whom we interact, and friends and family members who observe how we behave in our co-parenting relationships. This can include:
- Aim for a low-conflict / separation. Divorce and family courts are designed to make attorneys rich by incentivizing all parties to fight to win. If possible, opt for an amicable breakup, in which everyone walks away with a fair deal, and equal time and responsibility for the children. There are several quality online divorce services that we explain and review.
- Aim to be financially independent of your ex. Money exchanged between parents increases conflict between co-parents. Studies find the more conflict between parents, the more likely the father is to check out of the children’s lives.
- Stop trying to micro-manage your ex’s parenting. If you are in a relationship with him, let him take full responsibility for caring for the kids when it is his turn — he may not do it your way, fail, screw up and try again — just like any parent. If you are separated or divorced, don’t call the kids all the time when they are with him, or otherwise control his parenting.
- Focus on mutual respect and truly equal, shared co-parenting. Stick to the rules of healthy co-parenting, and if you need help with a shared calendar, splitting expenses and tracking communication, try a co-parenting app.
Consider this excerpt from The Kickass Single Mom, my bestselling book with Penguin:
There are many ways you can do this, but in Valerie’s case, she actively reached out to her ex and explicitly supported him in being a better father. It worked:
The best advice after my divorce was from a counselor. I was complaining about the burden of having my kids most of the time because my ex (going through a period of self-loathing, pity, and guilt) was not taking the time to be with them.
She told me that my kids needed me to be 100 percent of the mom I could be to them, but being 150 percent of the mom they needed would not compensate for their dad being anything less than 100 percent of the dad they needed. I would be better off investing that extra 50 percent helping him be a better dad.
Something clicked in me and really shifted my perspective. It began with a discussion I had with their dad: “Our kids need more time with you. Our kids need you more involved in the day-to-day of their lives. Our kids need you to be 100 percent of the dad you can be. How can I help you?”
And I kept asking. Finally, one day he asked me to help him move furniture into his apartment so he could make it more of a home for them. I packed up some toys and clothes (and even dishes and cups the kids liked using) and took them to his apartment. I encouraged him to coach our son’s baseball team and I helped with its administration. I encouraged him to take one of the kids to dinner to spend time one-on-one with them while I kept the other two. He became more confident as a parent. Once I started to give, he started to give.
That was more than five years ago. Our co-parenting relationship is balanced and in a very good place. It has been for a long time now—sometimes I forget it wasn’t always.
My ex is an awesome father, but there was a time when he was not as reliable as I would have hoped, related to what I wrote about a little bit here. Over the past several years I have let go of a lot of the rage I harbored for my ex over all kinds of things.
I see now that when he is not there for the kids, it is because forces bigger and darker than him are at play. And those things prevent him from being the parent he wants desperately to be — and enjoy his children as much as he otherwise might. Recognizing that allows me to be kinder to him, spend less toxic mental energy managing the situation. I’m a happier person and better mom because of all of the above.
There is also incredible work being done in the realm of shared parenting, in which courts presume that both parents are equally competent in the face of separation and divorce, and therefore presume that both parents should share in parenting time equally. There are now 60 peer-reviewed studies that prove that shared parenting is what is best for children — including in high-conflict cases (and I know of none that have found in favor of unequal time to either parent).
What to tell your kid when their dad is not involved
The literature finds very clearly that in cases where there is conflict between the separated parents, and when parenting time is heavily weighted in favor of one parent over the other (such as the every-other-weekend, Wednesday night arrangement, which constitutes 14 percent of hours in a month), the parent with the lesser time with the child has a very high chance of checking out of the kid’s life. Argue with whether or not that is fair or ethical. That has been happening for decades or more.
Shared parenting work in both the legal and mental health realms go hand-in-hand with work on parental alienation. A study found that 11 to 13 percent of divorce cases involve parental alienation, in which one parent systematically programs a child to reject the other parent, for no good reason. This is recognized as child abuse, and a symptom of mental illness on the part of alienating parent.
These facts are important to mention here in this post about fatherlessness. The research is there: When one parent is marginalized in their children’s lives, they tend to check out. As mothers — which are granted primary custody in 80 percent of cases that go to court — we can influence these things in powerful and positive ways. When you promote equally shared parenting with your kid’s other parent, that trickles into our culture, our expectations of one another, and that influences policy and court rulings.
When co-parenting fails: Can you force a dad to see his child?
In short: It is impossible to make a non-custodial parent take responsibility for his or her child. That said, when equal parenting time is promoted through courts and culture, men are more likely to use their parenting time, and even advocate for more equal parenting schedules.
29 ways to co-parent like a pro—even when your ex is a crazy narcissist
When your heart breaks because he stood your son up again, are enraged at his disregard for your time at yet another last-minute cancelation, or your daughter knows her dad is on vacation with the new girlfriend but says he can’t afford to see her, you are 100% entitled to be livid. Because that is bullshit.
It is also a sign of a broken person. And a sign of a broken culture and parenting expectations that go far beyond just your family.
Practice forgiveness. Practice empathy. Get therapy. And activism. Read Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You, By: by Amy J. L. Baker, PhD and Paul R Fine, LCSW
Bottom line: Get dads involved
Please listen to Terry Brennan, co-founder of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, explain why default every-other-weekend visitation leads to absentee fathers:
Note that in cases where ‘standard’ visitation is awarded — every-other-weekend — fathers become depressed and non-involved, and within 3 years, one study found, 40 percent of children in an unequal visitation arrangement had lost complete touch with their non-custodial parents, which are nearly always the father. Have a listen:
One of the most important things you can do to support your kids’ father’s parenting is just that: Allow him to parent. Presuming he has not been legally proven to be an unfit parent, you must operate from the premise that he is capable of keeping the kids alive and is allowed to make all decisions when they are in his care. If you eventually have a great co-parenting relationship, you may find ways to cooperate on special diets, bedtimes, and discipline. Otherwise, he is allowed to be whatever kind of father he likes during his visits. This includes feeding them fast food, letting them stay up late, and letting them spend the night at his sister’s house even though you hate her so much about that thing that happened at your wedding.
Do not call or text him or the kids frequently during their visits. Except for unusually long visits—which could be more than three or four days for very young children, or more than several weeks for older kids—do not call, FaceTime, text, or otherwise ask to engage with the kids. You must allow their dad to get into his own groove of parenting without your interference, and your kids should be allowed to get into the groove of life at their dad’s house.
Advice for mothers raising sons alone
I understand that you may miss them and worry they are having experiences that you will not share. I appreciate that this can be sad. But this is part of separated family life, and the sooner you embrace the wonderful benefit of having an actively involved, loving dad and fill your kid-free time in a meaningful way, the sooner these absences will stop being sad, and all parties involved can relax and flourish in the rhythms of your life. Plus, your children will sense if your calls stem from your own broken heart, and feel a need to care for you. That is not children’s job.
Ready to take action? Join MomsForSharedParenting.org — an activist org devoted to changing policy, law, culture and attitudes around parenthood. Time for 50/50 default parenting!
And report in the comments how it’s going.
Movies and books on single motherhood, divorce and co-parenting:
Recommended shared parenting documentary: Divorce Corp
Kickass Single Mom, Be Financially Independent, Discover Your Sexiest Self, and Raise Fabulous, Happy Children, By: Emma Johnson
Blend, The Secret to Co-Parenting and Creating a Balanced Family, By: Mashonda Tifrere
Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing, By: Dr. Richard A. Warshak
It is impossible to make a non-custodial parent take responsibility for his or her child.
If there is a custody order in place, both parents must adhere to the visitation schedule outlined in the order. Parents who do not follow these orders risk losing custody and facing jail time.
I have two boys. 4 and 2. Their mother left us back in febuary. Its been 6 months of nonstop lies and disasters she has created. But the worst one is saying i refuse her to see yer children. After we make plans for her to visit. And she cancels 2 hours after. For my case i really am not sure. I was an emotional reck. Im staying with my parents with my boys. But i feel stuck in a rut. I cant control her. But im not sure how to live anymore
I think that is awful Fred, it must be so difficult for you dealing with your two boys who must miss their mother, and made even more difficult with her behaviour. i hope evething settles down for you, it’s good you are with your parents , perhaps keeping a record of what she does would be a good thing. You also have your parents as witnesses to it. If she isn’t turning up when she is supposed to maybe it would be a good thing not to say anything about her pending visit. My ex is intermittently in our daughters life and I see how it affects her for the days after he just pops in. It so difficult , I know she wants to see her Daddy but he doesn’t take in to consideration her needs. I want to stop the random visits because of its impact on her, but I am torn and feel I am allowing him to upset her. Good luck and I hope it evens out.
To make this short and sweet
. I met a guy who just got out of a 9 year relationship with his ex which they hv 3 kids together 3,5,8 … within 2 months of us being bf/gf we decided to hv a child (my first at 29yo.) (His 4th at 27yo.) .. he treated me like i was everything to him . He cheated on me a couple times with the ex and lied about things and was sneaky .. but he begged cried and pleaded with me to not leave him and he apologized .. plus i was preggo so i stayed , and he seemed to reallu be in love .. was super clingy .. after 4 months of being bf bf/gf he proposed with a beautiful ring and we got engaged .. 4 months later we got married .. we finally moved In together (I didn’t want to shack and we wasn’t married) so we tried to do things the right way and wait til marriage to move in .. we had our child a month later and he started to change .. he was only caring about his other children . Not spending anytime with our newborn especially when his kids was over which was every Wednesday,Thursday and Friday , and every other weekend.. his ex ended up putn him on child support , the kids was on Medicaid too .. he went to court when our newborn was almost 1 month old .. long story short alil after that he left me and the newborn .. i was on maternity leave only making 60% of my check .. and I had to pay all the bills and care for our daughter on my own .. he hasn’t given me any money , lied and told people I won’t let him see our child unless he comes back home , and lied on me saying I wasn’t being faithful to him .. On my life I hv never cheated on this man ever ! I fear God way too much .. he has to be lie’n on me to justify his actions smh . And to make his self look good by leaving me after 3 1/2 months of marriage and our newborn being 1 month ..he ended up going back to his ex .. the one he has the 3kids by .. he told me he doesnt want me anymore .. he does not call or check on our newborn at all but lies on Me and tells people I don’t text him bak or answer hiscalls .. he is a fukn liar .. I don’t see how someone could do an innocent child like that .. he takes care of his others .. and then y would he leave me ? I did nothing to him .. I introduced him to real , a good life .. he was use to the struggling life .. I’ve texted him and told him ok do me however but don’t do ur newborn like this she is a innocent soul .. his family never really liked me because they was still use to the other babymams and didn’t agree with him moving on . So u know when he lied on me for his reasons of leaving and y he hasn’t seen our newborn they was eating that up .. and was routing for him to leave and get back with his ex who he never married after 3 kids and 9 years togther . But he married me after 7 months of knowing each other … I’m a strong women..when I caught his truck at his babymama house at 1am I could hv slashed his tires , knocked on the door and made a scene or anything .. instead I took pix of his truck as evidence that I knew where he was (which was 80miles from where we lived) .. I know God’s revenge is bigger than anything I could do to him or his family .. plus i would also be held accountable for my actions .. it’sall in Gods hands .. I know hewill pay big time from God for leaving his family (me his wife and newborn), because he knows what God told him he needed to do and how to be as a man of God and husband .. so I know God will get him on that .. but for him to not call text nor check on his newborn and not send anything for her or send money for her is crazy to me and he knows I don’t make enuff right now but he taking care of another household smh .. I haven’t talked to him in 2 weeks and I’m not calling . I can honestly take care of her on my own because with God right now and my family I’m making way .. and When I go back to work off maternity leave I’ll definitely be striaght to take care of everything . But he needs to take care of this child .I want to put him on child support but then i only want him to hv supervised visitationx bc he is bipolar (wasn’t diagnosed but I know he is) he cusses alot and is very verbally abusesive .. he wasn’t an active parent with our newborn .. he never woke up with her at night (he couldn’t hear her anyways he said) , he changed her pamper once , feed her once and may be altogthr spent 2hours with her , and we was living togther smh .. plus now he hasn’t seen her in a month in a half and doesn’t ask to see her nor check on her .. I don’t trust him with her alone .. one part of me wants her to know her father but the other part doesn’t want her to be hurt .. she is a happy baby and has so much love from people and she doesn’t want or need for anything .. she is well taken care of and has alot of father figures in my family … I don’t want him around if he doesn’t want to be around her .. no one is forcing him . But he will support her financially if I decide to put him on child support .. we don’t need his sorry ass really . I want him to gone file for divorce if that’s what he wants to do .. because I haven’t been taking to no other man because I’m still married . I take that serious and I told God he is in control .. I don’t want my husband back but if God puts us back togther then I hv to follow God’s will .. but he would need to come bak a completely restored man .. IDK what is wrong with him . This is all random but I know God knows y .. so all I can do is pray and takecare of my beautiful healthy newborn .. what are y’all thoughts?
I needed to read this today. Thank you.
He is doing this to punish you for beating him in court. Had it been equal he would feel like an equal. You won so to the victor go the spoils. He feels dejected by the lack of justice for fathers in divorce court and this is the only way to fight back as he can not beat you in court. Give him a victory over you so he can feel like an equal. He thinks less of himself for losing in court and less in the eyes of his children his shame keeps him from them. My advice to those just entering into divorce is an equal split in custody and visitation, this is a victory for both sides. And the loser does not have to walk away as I did. Remember to him this is war where the only good outcome can be a tie.
“This is war where the only good outcome can be a tie.” I like that. And that is good advice overall.
looking for information . My wife has left me with 3 kids one with autism . Each day is a struggle. Not much information on women leaving their kids.
What kind of information Darren? This can greatly vary depending on where you are located.
Seriously people. First let me tell you that I was a step child, I am a step parent, and I do have children from a previous marriage.
I am proud to say that I do NOT get child support for my children because my parents raised a strong independent woman who can support my children on my own. I do not ask their dad for money because to put it simply I wouldn’t get it. He only works occasionally as it is and if I were to ever ask for money he assures me he would promptly quit his job. However, some people need child support and that is fine, but no need to bend the other parent over to the point that they them selves can’t live. My kids dad usually asks me the custodial parent for money to “feed” or “transport” the for his visitation. Nope, he never takes the kids for his time if he has to work because hello, why worry about day care when they can just be at their moms. For this reason he has never taken his summer “visitation”, but still acts like I’m killing him if I ask him to watch the kids for a few hours twice a week. Again, I do work 60 hours a week to support our children.
Now as a step parent. We have joint custody of my step children with each of us getting 50/50 time. You got it, we have them half the time, pay for all their insurances, ect, and still pay child support. Heck we even paid for years of day care that they never even went to. That’s ok. Could we hire a lawyer and fight it? Of course we could, but the truth is I’ll pay it to their mom because the peace vs war is priceless. Do I like her? Not at all. I hate how she parents or lack of it I should say, but that doesn’t matter. Of all the issues that co parenting brings money is not the battle I choose to stress over.
Stop blaming the new girlfriend/wife. She doesn’t have the power you give her credit for. She can’t actually stop him from being a decent parent. He is making that choice. Try your best to see the value that that extra set of hands can bring to the table. EX….someone to help with HW, and sick children. Odds are if you make her feel like she has an important role she will actually start acting like she does have one. No kid has ever been damaged by having to many loving parents. Your ego may, but your child won’t suffer from it. After all you did say it’s about how your kids feel right.
My husbands ex was being completely irrational over money insisting that the $2,000 a month in child support she got for having the kids half of the time wasn’t possibly enough to support them. That of course seemed nuts to me ( I have twice as many kids and don’t get child support from their dad ). I found out accidentally in a conversation that she and I had months later that the reason was because my kids had expensive shoes. I think that’s when I actually learned that things aren’t always like they seem. All she wanted was me to buy them name brand shoes? Had she just told me that she felt my kids had better shoes then hers we could have saved a lot of trouble and hurt feelings. I assumed that they liked the nikes she had bought them, I had no idea that they had “shox” envy. Best part, I am an amazing shopper and could buy the shoes they wanted for less then she paid for what they previously got. So for about four hundred bucks a year we have saved thousands in court fees, and have gained a better understanding, and even empathy for each other.
Co parenting sucks, but being co parented sucks more. I can’t even explain to you the amount of trauma that my parents and step parents caused me growing up by constantly fighting over everything in my life. I refuse to ever put my children or step children through.
My advice. . . .always always be the bigger person. When you feel the rage coming on STOP because it’s not about you. Save your energy for the battles that really matter in the long term perspective. You can’t force the other parent to be rational, but your life will be a lot more peaceful if you quit trying to. It’s horrible to see your children hurting, but you can only be the best parent you can be, and you don’t want them to grow remembering that you were always fighting the other parent because it could translate to the dead beat getting their sympathy. They might actually think that parent didn’t come around more because your b***ching chased them away. Hang in there. They will grow up some day to be people you are proud to have raised, and you will know that you get all the credit for it, at least from them.
What I have to ask here is what about the situations when there was a father that is there for his kids and the mother is the one telling lies so they don’t have to see their children I look at things everyday about deadbeat fathers but everyday where I live I see a lot of deadbeat mothers and there’s a lot of them nowadays they don’t give very much media coverage because people would rather talk about deadbeat fathers but when you have a mother that says I can’t take the kids when I was supposed to because it turns out I have a warrant for my arrest and I have to go to jail but she never goes to jail ot she says she has to work a double shift but doesn’t even have a job. I don’t want to belittle your cause but I can say that in my opinion instead of this article being about fathers that don’t see their kids it should just flat-out be parents that don’t see their kids because in this day and age deadbeat mothers are just as prevalent as deadbeat fathers and it’s time for the people to notice then it is going on.
I 1000% agree with you. Everyone is quick to bash fathers, but no one ever talks abut the conniving, scheming, manipulating, lying, bullying, irrational, crazy baby mamas that go to extraordinary lengths to completely ruin the father’s life especially when he has moved on and has a serious relationship or is married. These type of mothers will use any despicable, creepy and even dangerous tactic to try to destroy the peace and happiness of the father. In the process she will also destroy the happiness of her child all while killing opportunities for the poor kid. This is another reason why so many men throw in the towel with visitation especially if they are non-custodial and just completely give up because these type of fathers are so fed up with the abuse and have the right to be free from misery. These type of mothers think that they can boss around and control their ex for the rest of his life just because they had a kid together. This type of behavior is wrong and if I was a MAN/FATHER, I would not exercise visitation either under those abusive circumstances. Some mothers need to be taught a lesson and start treating fathers like FATHERS instead of treating them like a welfare check and some piece of crap they can kick around for 18yrs.
This article is about fathers not mothers, if you want to read about mothers who are bad co parents I suggest finding a blog or article about that instead of complaining here about it. That’s like going onto a site for a recipe for spaghetti and complaining that it’s not macaroni.
Well tht is shit, my daughter is 6yrs old n her father ,well he promises our daughter everything n hw he’s gonna call n take her out n stuff ,which he never do n im left with questions like , ‘ mom y is he nt coming doesnt he love me anymr or mom dd u tell dad nt to come c me anymr or mom plz tell dad to come on my Bday plz’. Tht is stressing me out i dnt know wat to say to her anymr coz he keeps repeating this over n over again. The thing is he calls after months or a year n just imagine by tht tym my daughter has stopped asking abt him n nw he calls, the worst is wen he brings he’s new wife/gf n their new kids to c my daughter ,playin perfect family in front of her, thats bullshit
I would LOVE to spend more time with my kids, but my ex-wife has decided that my children are required to call her live-in boyfriend “daddy”, and all the courts do whenever I try to get my visitation rights enforced is to scold her, and tell her that she ‘will be’ in contempt of court if she doesn’t start allowing me to see my kids.
The courts will gleefully lock a ‘dead broke’ non-custodial father up if they can’t pay child support, but they refuse to enforce visitation rights, even in states where Interference With Custody is a criminal offense.
This has taught me that family courts view non-custodial parents as the custodial parents indentured servants who are required to provide a government mandated LIFESTYLE for their children, and by inference, the custodial parent and whomever they choose to cohabitate with.
As an honest family law lawyer (yes, there are a few left) told me, for the courts, it’s all about the money.
Placing children with the lower earning parent and restricting the non-custodial parents access to their children increases the gross amount of ‘child support’ collected, which then increases the kickbacks (incentive payments) that states receive under the Child Support Performance and Incentive Act.
My father is also terminally ill, and I told him to give my inheritance to my brother to keep it out of my ex-wife’s hands. I could use the money, but my family court judge has a history of ordering non-custodial parents to send windfalls to their ex-wives because “the mother deserves that money”.
I’m a situation where I was told I’m not good enough (basically was told to NOT try and work on it anymore), constantly questioned on basic life skills by the ex, paying alimony and child support and working 2 jobs to do so.
Yes, I get a bit tired. What am I doing wrong?
My ex and I have a son who is almost 5 years old. We have been broken up for a little over a year now. In the beginning ex had our son Tuesday and Wednesday nights and every other weekend. It was working well, never any issues. He kept bringing up how badly he wanted 50/50 custody. I was reluctant but decided to try it. It’s been a few months since we started 50/50 now, and honestly he sees our son less than before. He cancels his nights regularly. For stupid reasons too “I’m having a bad day” I have bad days too, deal with it. Or “my IBS is flaring up, I’ve been on the toilet all day” to me these seem like cop outs. I am starting to feel like he wanted 50/50 only so he could tell people that, so he would look and sound like an amazing devoted single dad to his friends and family. This week, he has only taken our son for one night, picked him up around 7 ( his bed time is 8) and dropped him off at daycare for 8:30 the next morning, so in this week of 50/50 custody he spent about 2.5 waking hours with our son. I feel like this is going to continue to get worse until he just stops seeing our boy all together. Why would he beg for 50/50 if he cancels his visits regularly? I would try harder to force him to take our son on all his scheduled nights, but for me, no matter what kind of day I’m having, I would love to see my son every single day so I just agree and enjoy my extra time with my little man. I never thought my ex would become an absentee parent, and I don’t really want it that way, but it looks like that is where we are heading.
I just want to add to my comment. I have not asked my ex for child support, have never restricted access or tried to put limitations on what he does during his time. I have been cordial. My ex, I feel, is trying to relive his late teens/ early 20’s since the breakup. He stopped paying the mortgage on what used to be our home, let it go into foreclosure, and moved into his womanizing buddy with a criminal record’s 2 bedroom apartment. Our son does not have his own room or bed in this apartment. I mentioned 6 months ago that it would be a good idea to at least get our son his own bed, ex said he would work on it, still no bed. It’s like he has just given up. I don’t get it. He works a good job and could afford his own place but he hasn’t put any effort into moving out of there. It’s ridiculous. I was a stay at home mom with nothing when we broke up. No job no money, no place to go. It took me 3 months to get a job and save up enough to get a place for son and I to live. All ex cares about is himself, his friends and his new “cool single guy” image. I don’t think this has anything to do with him feeling inadequate as a father. Other things just became more important to him than home, family and our child. I have never made any of this difficult for him. Even if he is off work all day, he does not pick our son up until an hour before bedtime(if at all) he never calls or asks about our son when he hasnt seen him in 6 days. I just went over the past 33 days, I had our son 23 days, he had him 10. By his choice, not mine! What is going on with this man? Mid life crisis? Regretting having a child? Selfishness? I don’t know anymore
You people are so judgemental and can’t see that all situations are different. In same difficult situation most people act in similar way. Parents don’t leave their kids just because it would not be nice to have relationship with them or they don’t love them. Sometimes that huge love for them is the reason.
People get or have from beginning work so far away from child and other parent that they can’t see often their kids. When they never get the bond with kids they (kids) won’t be able to visit long holidays apart from mom/dad and close ones. Young kids don’t usually care to phone or Skype and have patient to it even with close people.
Sometimes the situation is so toxic that it can only end by letting kids live in peace with other parent if they treat them well. Kids can sense that situation.
It is also very common that parent who lost physical custody after years spending 24/7 with their child or parent who had very, very close bond with child and lived with him/her and by court will only be able to see their child 1 or 2 times a month that they can’t bear it. Kids will think they got back to them in visitation and cry their eyes out when they leave them again. Whole visitation may be ruined with sorrow because soon it will end and that will break parents and child’s heart all over again. Even the most loving parents may let their kids grief and forget them in that situation. Even if the damage was smaller for kids when that continued, parents can’t bear it. They may not be able to go with the feelings from loosing them all over and missing them. They may also get so depressed that they can’t work and also that they no longer are able to travel to visitations if they live far away. Those most loving parents usually get bad depression and suffer greatly. Many are broken to pieces and get physically and psychologically sick from it.They aren’t capable to fight for custody (in USA may not afford it) and it usually don’t change the situation. I can’t even bear to read moms and dads telling about situation like that. I know I could not bear it either and would get deep depression and maybe even lost capacity to work in situation like that. I wish that wouldn’t happen. But I do understand them. If that parent without custody wouldn’t have that strong, loving bond with child then it would be easier. If they never lived together, especially then it could be just nice visiting to close relative. Those people don’t get usually sick from grief, they can study/ work, soon date again and start family with other man/woman.
In comparison. If you were in love and only saw that person once or twice a month it would be really heart braking and hard. Seeing relatives that much could be just enough without any grief or missing them in between though you love them so much you could die for them.
I think it’s good that in many country childsupport is close to none and may disappear (it can be 0 and even millionaires usually have it 100-150$, max 250$, never more than with people wit low in come). Lawyers and courthearings are free for people with low income and depends on income anyways. Travel expenses to visitation are free for unemployed. Still in many smaller countries parents living in other side of the country may not be able to see kids almost at all if there’s no airlines and if there is not tickets you can afford. If you have 30 hour drive in weekend to your child and back, then how could you see them except in holidays?
It’s also different to be a real life mom/dad who care for the child than donating sperm/eggs. That has nothing to do with parenting. Likewise sometimes condoms brake and 97% is quite low protection anyways. If men want abortion/day after pill and women won’t then it’s no more wrong if they both really want to rather have situation as when in sperm donation case than parent together. Single women can have kids that way or adopt and it’s fine. Gay men can adopt also or have biological children through donated eggs and surrogacy. If that’s fine then it’s fine then also.
Only way to stop single parenting and for kids to have two parents is fir people to have sex only when married and stop divorcing. That would be the first thing where to start making children’s situation better regarding on biological parenting. If biological parenthood would be so important then there wouldn’t be egg/sperm donations and surragate mothers either.
I personally think that it would be best for kids if people would have sex only when married and stay married for kids. People should know that big romance and sex life may stop for years after kids and relationship may end up from romance to companionship. That is actually by far the most likely and normal situation in relationships.
I don’t personally think that kids should be made in tests tubes if not from parents egg/sperms for medical reason. That is only because many children end up as currency and sex trafficking and there is enough orphans wanting to be adopted. But if someone’s close friend or relative need egg/sperm donation and really want to do it that way and they did that, then that would be fine.
I don’t see sperm/egg donators as fathers/moms legally or otherwise though they are that biologically. Though kids should have a choice to meet them when old enough because many want to by curiousity. But I would see adopted childs parents 100% fathers and mothers to their child.
As long as people have sex without commitments, many kids don’t have both parents due to situations. To stop the latter, stop the first. When that happens we can help people with the situation. Not judge them.
Truth is that nearly all western women and men can’t say they only had sex in marriage and stayed in it. So we can’t personally blame or judge anyone on that and the consequences from it even our situation is better.
In any case it’s wrong to blame or judge people with very difficult situations when having everything well in our lives. We can’t understand them and say that we would be able to do better in that situation or that we may not do worse than them.
Heres the very reason the men don’t wanna be around you women,nag,complain,n pretend here to be self righteous.
A man only run,when he has had enough.
Control over the men,not wanting them to move on,interfere in their new relationships,pushing them away.
Its saddens me that most of this post is about woman with kids who moan about the father of the child to seeing there children. I as a father have my son with me all the time. My child has not seen his mother for over 7 months and refuses to even talk to her on the phone. She has not even tried to find out why her son would not talk to her. She has a new man in her life and I think my son feel that her mother left him to make a new family. My point is that not all fathers are a dead beat fathers Woman (mother) just as bad but it hurts me to see that woman get more support regardless. My son is doing well in school and is also well liked by his friends and teachers and love to be with me so much that I sometime I feel sad that he has lost this mothers love
I have been divorced eight years now from my daughters mother. I have 50/50 joint and legal custody. With that I have paid and continue pay significant child support. Along with health insurance and many extras for my three girls. Early on it was great, I spent much time with them and was involved in their everyday lives. I had gotten over the fact my ex left me for my daughters third grade teacher and focused on work and my girls. It has gotten more difficult now that girls are getting older. My oldest is 18, then 16 and 12. The teenagers live almost exclusively with their mom. I made a tough decision to give them space and allow them to focus on their friends, school and familiar surroundings. I live 15 minutes away, but it seems like they live across the ocean. I noticed a couple a years ago they wanted to spend less time with me at my house. Rather than force them in my presence I took a backseat. I remained readily available, traded overnights for dinner dates and text messages. I supported them emotionally and financially the best I could. Now it seems my authority doesn’t hold weight with my ex. That her rules only apply regarding decisions and curfews etc. When I assert myself and try and enforce, I am the bad guy and they want to see me less. The ex undermines my decisions and dismisses my authority. The only time I am consulted is when she needs money. And don’t forget. I pay $800/month. Carry healthcare premiums. pay for braces myself. Bought my daughter her car, which I alone maintain and insure, plus carry their cell phone plans and much more. My 12 year old spends plenty of time at my house, I am just afraid when she gets older that will change. I am frustrated and emasculated as a loving father that has missing my girls teenage years. I can pay and play I call it. Cant get involved in the nitty gritty with the older ones. Not sure what to do.
Dear ladies, im glad i found this site. I feel ever woman here and i pray that we all go through it. Being single mom is never easy but because i love my child i’ll do anything to be there and give him all the love. It breaks my heart to move on thinking that my child is missing his daddy. He may not mention his dad a lot but i know he miss him dearly. I did everything to keep our relationship but it is very hard when your husband assume and thinks NEGATIVE always about you. I never stop explaining myself everytime i come home from work, parents house, etc. He is physically, mentally and emotionally abusing me for the last 3 years. But i kept it going because i always felt that my son’ needs us together as a family. I even kicked him out 100 times but he still ask for forgivness! and i always always forgive and move on with him thinking that he will change. but never…… so i been telling myself that someone in this relationship should be the one, the stronger one who can LET GO! and that was me i blame it all on me.. for giving him so many chances! it was me me me me… and know i am free from all this abuse…. but how about my son now :( his dad never calls or visit :(
There should be no such thing as child support. The kid should go to the dad half time and the mom half time and each parent can cover the cost when the kid is with them. Women love to suck on the tit of the government and the fathers they could really care less about.
I might agree with you. Need to think on it more.
hi. i have a 7mouth baby and my baby daddy doesn’t support his child he doesn’t visit her or call he never buy anything sins my child was born and he keeps on telling me that he will come and see her but he never do and even when she is sick he doesn’t care i really don’t know what to be because i sometimes tell myself that he will come to his senss but no am only fooling myslf.
My ex turned into a monster the last few years of marriage. Lying, cheating, mind games, demanding, and so on. I’m still hearing of things he did and said. He took his favorite daughter, (yes it was obvious to everyone) and left the youngest with me. He spent almost no time with her after he moved, now he doesn’t spend any time with her. No explanation. I’m sorry, but there is NO excuse or reason to EVER just stop being a parent. I wish he was ashamed, but he has never felt shame. He is selfish, and does not CARE what his choices do to anybody. He made that very clear. Be sympathetic and apathetic towards him? Absolutely no way. I will not waste my energy thinking or feeling anything good or kind
towards a human who refuses to understand and respect emotions.
I am so happy there is a post to talk about this type of situation. I have been feeling lost like no one understands my situation with my sperm donor. I am going to give you the run down and then I really need some opinions .. okay I have a 7 yr old that NEVER sees his dad , the father pays child support faithly threw attorney general thats because they take it out of his pay check I take him to court every 3 years for modification and I do it because he doesn’t spend time with his son or call his son. My fear is when the child gets older the father will hate the child because of me takening him back for modification every 3 yrs, the father does not see the child or call the child the father only pays child support nothing else oh he has to pay for medical insurance but any drs bills, dentist bill he says he doesn’t have to pay but it is in the court order he has to ,, should I just suck it up and pay for everything on my own and continue to do everything by my self he has another gf and he rakes care of her 2 kids that are not his. I had this child he did not want any more kids I got pregnant and he wanted me to have an abortion I did not want to do that. So he is mad because I decided to keep my child . Should I take him back to court for more money and get reimbursed for my medical expenses or leave him alone. It really pisses me off. I said maybe he will want to have a relationship with my son when he is older I just feel like he will hate my son because of me. But itnis nit fair to me to have to do everything it makws me mad because these boys need a father figure I can not teach him how to be a man. I also have a 24 yr old his dad was not there either Thank GOD he turned out okay. What should I do ? Just leave him alone and let him live his life and raise anothetr mans kids or keep taking his ass back to court ?
I really feel sorry for my son…
My babby daddy when he calls me to ask about our child he sound like he is felling sorry for me. i dont know why, its been 3 months not seeing his child yet he pays support through court.
My ex-wife and I ended a 14 year relationship that was so harmful that my kids were affected in a very negative way. When I left and knew this was the end she came to my parents house with the kids to use them as a diversion and accused me of domestic violence as she tried to enter my parents home in a rage. The ex -wife came at my dad in hostile manner and my father who is 70 years old and in very poor health was scared for his safety. I blocked her advances by restraining her arms as she was using them to swing at my dad. She had me arrested for domestic violence the next day after she made a police report showing I had bruised both her arms with markings. I know the crazy person that she is and know she made those bruises and marking to show as evidence for the arrest. My kids are 13 and 15 years old and I decided that for the mental well being and not putting them thru any harmful anguish I will be absent from them until they are of adult age. I want them to not see more crazy and mentally damaging episodes as they have seen enough. The ex-wife talks badly in front of them about me even when other people are around. I can picture me picking up and dropping off the kids and having confrontations with the ex-wife and the kids have to see it still. She will never change and hates me to the core for leaving and making our marriage the worst time she has ever had. She says everything is my fault and tells her family and anyone who will listen that I was the evil one and she refuses any fault of her own. She was controlling and always telling me in our relationship that she will take the kids away from me if I didn’t do what she told me to do. If I pulled off 3 things she asked for and she demanded an even bigger unrealistic 4th demand then I knew there was hell to pay. Nothing was ever good enough for her as she sat around the house on facebook all day or slept all day long while I worked from 4 in the am till 5 or 6 in the evening to pay for everything and told me once maybe I need to get a 2nd job because we were always broke at the end of the month. I gave up 4 or 5 years ago and just became like her. I was so exhausted trying to keep up with her demands that I felt I had a mental break down and my parents supported us . I had no ambition to want to strive for anything anymore and the real hell then came at me from her. I have no idea how or why we still stayed to together for the next 5 years but I was emotionally gone from the relationship. She told me 2 years ago that she doesn’t love me anymore and I gave an “Oh Well” kind of response to her and told her im sorry that I messed up. The reality is was out of love with her those 5 years back and maybe even more than that. I just made it looked like I cared so she would see the ‘guilt look expression’ the day she told me she didn’t love me anymore. She honestly gets enraged if she was told by me indirectly or directly that she was part of the problem for the relationship. This is why until the kids are 18 years of age I don’t want them seeing violent anger with her. She is a person that blames everybody else for all the negative things and me. I cannot trust her for the kids sake to keep even the visitation civil until the kids are 18 years old and these kids deserve better than that and they need peace. I want them to be prepared with mental sound as they enter into adulthood and let them get over the past because I do love them very much even if they are being told otherwise by her. F Y I.. I did cheat on her once that she knew about and had passing other affairs and feel guilty that I Should have just ended it then. 2 years ago she had 2 affairs herself and I didn’t like the one guy being around my kids and I encouraged her to have time with the other affair because the guy had a good career and seemed normal. She thought it was weird for me to encourage her to have another man and that I would even watch the kids as she went out with him for the weekend. In the back of my head though I just wanted to have a reason to get rid of her and put her attention on someone else so I can get out and pursue my life happy. I have never learned and changed so much from any type of experience I ever had than the relationship I had with her. I never thought I would learn so much from a 15 year relationship lol……..
I would agree that parents who don’t see their children are broken – and only they can fix themselves. They have psychological issues ranging from inadequacy to NPD (narcissitic personality disorder). While I support having empathy, the real work is helping our children understand and process the pain that this causes. If the broken parent wants help, rare, then of course we should do our bests. But some people are simply vortexes.
I wish everyone underwent psych evaluations before having children. There are a whole lot of charmers that are really toads.
Also, I would not date someone who doesn’t see his kids. He, to me, is broken – and it’s not my job to fix him or drag my child through that journey. I don’t care what he would say about his ex – she could be a raging loon – he still needs to see and stay involved in the lives of his children. I wouldn’t be able to hide my disgust.
What about the mother who only wants 1 of the children,moved out and took everything from daughter’s room nothing from his.Asking me to sign off custody of her and she will give me full on him .Of course I told her no ,6 months latter she coaches our daughter to claim son raped her (they are biological )trying to get custody. Which proved to be false.Claims after she only wants to see him 1 day a week has never showed or called .Occasional text ,nothing for his birthday or Christmas when he texted her why she said he is a spoiled brat for asking. I have my daughter 50% and figure I’ll have her full time when her cuteness wears off.I think this may be more then low self worth
I didn’t read all the comments so this might have been mentioned, I was a good father, my ex refused to share parenting even though I was the emotionally close parent with my daughter. At first I had her 6/14 days then my ex made up story’s about my parenting skills so it was reduced to 4/14 days. Then she moved 45 mins away and said travel was too expensive so it was reduced to 3/14 days.. In the end I had her Friday and Saturday evening every second week. During this time I had a son with my new partner. We split when he was two because of the stress and drama from the first ex. She did the same thing the first ex did, copy and paste. Back to court, reduce time increase support payments. I now make $413.50 after deductions for child support. I have lost my home and live with my mother. I am 46 and on disability from stress and depression. I have not seen my kids in over a year. I get no phone calls or FaceTime calls, my 5 year old son starts school this fall and I don’t even know where he lives. So that’s why I don’t see my kids.
@Abandoner: If your ex is willing to force you into even considering abonding your children then my advice to you is to never ever pay child-support. Have you totaly lost your mind?. Quit your job and find a new less stressful job. The fact that this move will render you unable to pay the current amount of child-support is irrelevant. What is relevant is your own sanity and well-being. Why should you go work long hours to give that idiot money whilst you must make due with less?. That idiot will then get a new lover,if that man is a smooth player he will pocket all your maintanance money, that I promise you. I promise that your ex will remarry and her husband will use your MONEY to build and maintane his HOME. Have you lost your mind?.
Pay nothing, let that witch get off her ass and go work. If she wants to hurt you through your emotions then turn off the cash flow. Your children wont suffer if you dont pay. They have grandparents, aunts, uncles e.t.c. They are well supported and shielded from the negativities of life.
At the end of the day it is about you and only you because she will eventually turn the kids against you. Thats why you earn less which means less stress, more rest, better health, better peace of mind, less alcohol because you wont need it. If you want extra cash then use any skills you aquired in your life to hustle extra money on the side that the tax man will never know about.
Eventually you will find a good woman to start a family with and thats why you must know how to husstle. If you make the mistake now and solidify high child support amounts then if you only begin paying less when you remarry, the court will blame you and say to only doing it to give your woman money. Start now and learn the ropes that way your ex and the courts will have already given up on getting even a cent before you start your new family. Your new family will need alot of money.